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krscblw · 4 months

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Ghoul scent associations pt. 4 - Imaginary Authors edition

Imaginary Authors is one of my favorite perfume companies, and I recently got samples of their entire collection! Of course, my first thought was to apply that to the ghouls. So here that is!!

Some of these are ones that I used on other lists that I still agree with, but most of them are new. Also, as is the nature of using a very limited number of options, not all of them fit perfectly, but I did my best, and I think like 90% of them fit very well.

Usual warning: This might look weird on mobile, but it should be good on desktop. Apologies, I'd fix it if I knew how.

Aeon: TELEGRAMA – Imaginary Authors

Talc, lavender absolute, black pepper, teak, amyris, vanilla powder, fresh linens

Telegrama is a very powdery, peppery, gentle lavender scent that fades into soft vanilla. If it was a color, it would be a gray-purple so pale it almost looks white. It’s comforting but not childish, classic but unique. It smells like Aeon’s particular brand of simple comfort.

Aether: Blend No. 83 – Imaginary Authors

Dark chocolate, sugar cane rum, Arabica coffee, velvety foam, benzoin, musk

Blend No. 83 is a sweet, musky, chocolate-coffee scent modeled after an espresso martini, but it isn’t as gourmand as it sounds. It settles into a dark musk with the suggestion of coffee and chocolate. It’s grown-up but not at all boring, just like Aether.

Alpha: BULL'S BLOOD – Imaginary Authors

Geranium, Spanish rose, patchouli, black musk, tobacco, sandalwood, bull's blood

Bull’s Blood is very musky, smoky, and spicy, and comes on strong enough to knock you over. However, it’s also very sweet, and dries down to more of a smoky-sweet almost-floral. It’s not too serious but has an almost shocking intensity to it, and is potentially polarizing – like Alpha. If it was a color it would be dark burgundy.

Cirrus: SAINT JULEP – Imaginary Authors

Sweet mint, tangerine, southern magnolia, bourbon, grisalva, sugarcube

Saint Julep is a very sweet, realistic gourmand with notes of mint and tangerine in the foreground and bourbon in the background. Despite being lovely in a very straightforward way, it’s dimensional and grown-up, which reminds me of Cirrus, and has light, minty notes that remind me of air as an element.

Cumulus: FOX IN THE FLOWERBED – Imaginary Authors

Jasmine, tulips, frankincense, wildflower honey, pink peppercorns, silver thistle, alpine air

Fox in the Flowerbed is a very pretty, cloying, sweet jasmine and honey scent that makes me think of a field of wildflowers high up on a mountain. This scent is sweet and sticky but also light in a way that reminds me of Cumulus. If it was a color it would be pale blue.

Dewdrop: A CITY ON FIRE – Imaginary Authors

Cade oil, spikenard, cardamom, clearwood, dark berries, labdanum, a burnt match

This is very smoky and woody in the beginning, but it fades into a sweet berry scent. It really does smell like fire and matches. It reminds me of spending all night next to a bonfire. It’s almost overpowering at first, but sweet underneath, just like Dew.

(Also, this was one of the fragrances that solidified Dew's scent for me. All the other ones I've picked for him are based on this lmao)

Ifrit: O, UNKNOWN! – Imaginary Authors

Black tea, lapsang souchong tincture, orris butter, Kyoto moss, musk balsam, sandalwood

This is a very subdued, powdery black tea scent. It’s musky and dark, very mysterious, and somehow not at all gourmand. It’s dark and faintly smoky in a way befitting of a fire ghoul, with the black tea scent that I associate with Ifrit. If it was a color it would be a gray so dark it’s almost black.

Mist: FALLING INTO THE SEA – Imaginary Authors

Lemon, bergamot, grapefruit, lychee, tropical flowers, warm sand

Falling into the Sea is a sweet, citrusy, tropical scent that has a balmy, sandy, coconut background. It smells like a tropical beach on a perfect day. If it was a color it would be the shade of teal that super-clear water is. I typically associate greener, more aquatic scents with Mist, but this fits a different interpretation of her. Mist in a very good mood, maybe.

Mountain: CAPE HEARTACHE – Imaginary Authors

Douglas fir, pine resin, western hemlock, vanilla leaf, strawberry, old growth, mountain fog

Cape Heartache is a gorgeous, sweet pine and strawberry scent. It’s very forest-y without being too atmospheric, and it smells like the fantasy version of a lush, foggy old growth forest. It feels very slow, peaceful, and grounded, and is a mix of masc and fem, which reminds me of Mountain. (Also I smelled this for the first time and absolutely fell in love with it, which I kinda did with Mountain too lmao) If it was a color it would be the silvery green of evergreen needles.

Nimbus/Aurora: SLOW EXPLOSIONS – Imaginary Authors

Saffron, rose absolute, leather, apple, benzoin, cashmeran, Arpora night market

Slow Explosions is sweet and fruity with an earthy element from the leather. It’s pretty and almost delicate until you register the deeper, more grounded notes, similar to the way Nimbus seems dainty at first glance but decidedly is not. Overall lovely. If it was a color it would be glowy yellow-orange.

Omega: MEMOIRS OF A TRESPASSER – Imaginary Authors

Madagascar vanilla, guaiacwood, myrrh, benzoin resin, ambrette seeds, oak barrels

Memoirs of a Trespasser is a very woody scent with a little bit of smokiness and vanilla. There’s also something a little bit animalic. It reminds me of a late 1800s adventurer type with lots of maps and wooden chests full of interesting things. It’s sophisticated and mysterious with a sense of worldliness that fits Omega.

Rain: EVERY STORM A SERENADE – Imaginary Authors

Danish spruce, eucalyptus, vetiver, calone, ambergris, Baltic sea mist

This scent smells like a rocky coast, lined with evergreen trees and blanketed in mist. It’s cold, multifaceted, and surprisingly magnetic (like Rain). I don’t usually like aquatics but this is beautiful, it's one of my new favorites from Imaginary Authors. If it was a color it would be dark greenish-blue.

Sunshine/Stratus: IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING – Imaginary Authors

Raspberry, citrus pulp, coconut palm sugar, Madame Isaac Pereire (rose), sandalwood, tropical punch, stardust

This scent is very raspberry/fruit punch heavy with a sandalwood undertone. It isn’t overwhelmingly sweet, but it’s very fruity. It’s Miami-in-the-80s themed and that definitely shows. It’s playful, fun, and sweet-but-grounded, just like Sunny. If it was a color it would be magenta.

Swiss: A WHIFF OF WAFFLECONE – Imaginary Authors

Vanilla, salted caramel, Saigon cinnamon, heavy cream, sandalwood, orgeat, scoop shop

This scent is a gourmand with a woody background. To me it smells like burnt sugar, heavy, clingy sandalwood, vanilla, and sweet spices. It’s more mature than the notes would lead you to believe. It isn’t the type of scent I usually associate with Swiss, but I can see it fitting an alternate interpretation. Maybe quint/fire or true multi Swiss. However, it does have the sweet, intense, almost smothering qualities I associate with him. If it was a color it would be the very light gold of slightly caramelized sugar.

Zephyr: YESTERDAY HAZE – Imaginary Authors

Fig, iris, cream, tonka, tree bark, walnut bitters, orchard dust

Yesterday Haze is a smooth, creamy but dry, slightly sweet scent. It smells sort of antique, but not outdated. It’s sophisticated and very pretty, like Zephyr, and has the dusty, powdery feel I associate with them.

(One of my absolute favorites from IA, for what it’s worth)

Thank you for reading!!

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sim-berry · 6 months

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Reminders for the upcoming TS4 update!

Simmers, the new expansion pack For Rent comes out on December 7th and as we all know, big updates can mess with your game especially if you use mods. I've learned my lesson from the last few updates and I'd like to give some suggestions to help!

Note: I use the EA App for Sims 4, on a Windows computer. The methods I describe here will probably not apply to MAC users. I also don't know if these work for pirated games so just be careful!

-BACK UP YOUR SAVES. Just in case your save gets corrupted or the update somehow manages to lose your saves (this has happened to me- after the update, my saves were gone). Here's what I do:

Navigate to your "Sims 4" folder. In my case it's Documents>Electronic Arts>Sims 4.

Find your "saves" folder and right-click to copy it.

Paste your copy of your saves folder to your desktop (some people paste to their external hard drive as well, but I'm not sure how to do this)

Right click on your copy to rename it. It's a good idea to write the date on which you copied your folder. Here's my current backup:

Your saves are now backed up! If you lose your files in the game or they become corrupted, open up your backup folder, then select and copy all the files in the folder and then paste them into your actual saves folder. Your saves will then be restored! You should do this every so often just in case. I try and back up my saves once a month.

-Turn off automatic updates. This way you can choose when to update your game. I personally wait until mod creators start updating their mods and then update the game.

Open the EA App and head to your settings, then the "downloads" tab.

Turn off the "update games automatically" option.

When you're ready, update the game and enjoy!

-Follow mod creators on social media. If you use mods, it's a good idea to keep up with updates and what the creators are up to. When there's a huge Sims update, many mods (especially script mods) tend to break and need to be updated by the creators. Keeping up with them allows you to see what their plans are for updating the mods. Creators use many different platforms, but from what I've seen most tend to use Tumblr, Patreon, and Twitter/X to post updates. If I find a mod I really like, I always follow the creator. They also deserve tons of support for their amazing work!

-Know which mods are broken and updated. In addition to following mod creators, there are multiple threads that log all mods with each update. They tell us which mods are broken, which are updated, and which were unaffected by the update. If you're experiencing a glitch with a mod, you can report it on these threads. Here are examples of threads from previous updates:

Always check these before writing to an official Sims/EA forum about a glitch. If you use script mods, the bugs you're experiencing will most likely be from these mods. Also, if you use UI mods like UI Cheats, don't freak out if your UI looks like this:

Your game isn't corrupted, the mod is just outdated. UI Cheats almost always breaks after a big update. The creator of UI Cheats updates frequently, so make sure to check up on their Patreon page.

-Check in with the community if you have a bug. The Sims Forums, r/Sims4 on Reddit, and Simblr are good places to go if you have a question about a bug you're having. r/Sims4 was a lifesaver for everyone who had the dreaded tooth glitch in Growing Together. If you're having a non-mod related bug, chances are others are having it too, so don't feel afraid to ask!

I hope this helps some of my fellow simmers. Good luck with the new update and pack, I can't wait to see how my favorite Simblrs use it in their stories and gameplays!💖

#sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 info #sims 4 update #sims 4 for rent #sims 4 expansion pack #important #the sims #sims #sims 4 mods #simblr #the sims community

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undertalethingems · 2 years

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With what has happened on deviantart, do you think instagram is a good alternative to use as an art portfolio? (I know this is an undertale blog, but i saw you commented about this and i want to know your opinion)

Well, I don't use instagram--so I can only give you my vague impression. but...

The long and short of it is that no, i don't think instagram is a good portfolio site. my thoughts on why below the cut:

As i understand it, instagram relies heavily on constant activity on your newest posts to feed its algorithm so you get any kind of visibility. people going back to look at and interact with your oldest works may actually punish you? somehow??? (i shouldn't have to explain how dumb that is XD) from what i've heard, you basically have to post every day, which inflicts a terrible pressure to constantly perform and produce, making huge demands on your time, and that's 100% a fast-track to burnout. If people can make it work for them that's great, but that's not how I'd want to live, and it's just not possible for many others. so if you can't meet these demands, your art gets buried and impossible to discover, and older works that might still be amazing never get seen.

Furthermore, as far as I know you can't really use it on desktop. if you try to post a large piece or paint digitally, it may be hard to upload, and many people will only be viewing it on their phone screens... not ideal for anything with a lot of detail. So it wouldn't show your art in the best light if you do larger pieces like that.

and finally, instagram is owned by facebook. if you don't want to give facebook any more data on you than they already try to collect, don't use instagram :'D

it sucks that deviantart no longer seems to be the best place to post art--and that there are no clear alternatives. There are options, sure, but I don't know how well they work or if they're particularly friendly. Deviantart, at the very least (and for better or worse), was always where anyone could post, no matter their skill level and interests.

Anyway, if you just want a place to post only your art (and not mix it in with other types of posts), you can always make a sideblog here on tumblr; if you want something more "professional" to display your best works, you might look into making a little website for yourself. there should be options to do so that are either free or pretty low-cost, though i haven't looked into it recently so i don't know what's out there. It'd be more intensive to set up, but you'd have more control.

them's my thoughts on the matter; what you do with them is up to you, but hopefully they've helped ^^;

#undertalethingem chats #art tips with undertalethingems #sorta anyway XD #to be clear i'm thinking of a portfolio as a professional collection of your art #not really a general place to post your works like a social media site #so consider what you actually want out of a replacement site #and choose accordingly #i still have to think of what i want to do.... [sigh]

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k00299539 · 6 months

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LSAD Seminar 01: Colour Theory with Sylvia Shortall

What is Colour Theory?

In it's most basic form, colour theory is the study of how colours relate to one another and how this, in turn, affects our perception of them. The feeling or emotion evoked by a colour or combination thereof is of particular interest this field of study.

Above: An old RTE test card from 1978 recorded by Andrew Walmsley on Youtube.

The Medium Affects the Message

An important consideration when discussing clour and colour theory is through what medium the colour is being perceived. For instance I have two desktop monitors; A pen display for digital art and an old Dell monitor from a million years ago. Due to differences in technical specifications and calibration they display colour slightly differently. The pen display is marketed toward artists for its colour accuracy, whereas the Dell monitor was basically made to for looking at spreadsheets. If I slide a picture across from one monitor to the other, I can observe the colours change in real time. In this sense, the accuracy of colours is something we can take for granted.

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Above: A video which explains digital colour and how images are projected onto monitors.

Enter PANTONE

So if we can't even trust a colour to look the same between two different monitors, how on earth can brands like Coca-Cola or Starbucks slap their logo on every conceivable product under the sun with one recognisable colour?

Well for better or worse the answer is Pantone LLC and their proprietary Pantone Matching System (PMS). Basically Pantone have a specific formula to render any given colour in any given format. For instance an average computer monitor recreates colour through backlighting hundreds of tiny pixels varying shades of red, green and blue. This is known as the RGB colour model, which is considered "additive" as the colours "add" together to create their intended effect. Print media on the other hand, uses the CMYK colour model. The is a "subtractive" colour model, where the cyan, magenta, yellow, and black (K) mask one another out gradually until the desired tone is created. Pantone somehow they were able to copyright this process and have people pay them for it. If it's not obvious, I hate Pantone and here's a video that should explain why:

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Above: A good video about a bad company.

Janine Antoni - Loving Care, 1993

Sylvia actually recommended I research Janine Antoni for my project, so I was happy too see her work show up in this seminar. Personally I feel colour is one of the less important aspects of this particular piece, but all the same, it's roll can't be diminished either.

The use of commercial hair dye, Antoni's long hair and the act of mopping play into stereotypes of women and their gender defined "roles" in life. The gallery floor becoming covered in dye and the audience being gradually forced back out the door they came in can be seen as an act of reclamation. In this sense Antoni is challenging gender roles by using the traditionally feminine to accomplish the traditionally masculine. For me, it brings to mind the contrast between how men and women sit in public spaces, the phenomenon of "Man-spreading". Something that is seen as a faux pas for women but normalised for men. Antoni makes the viewer confront this kind of everyday sexism.

I think she choose a monochrome colour palette here for the contrast. The deep black on the brilliant white. The Yin and Yang of those shades is often said to represent men and women. I'm gonna move on now cause I'm really just rambling about a piece of art I enjoy.

Above: Hair dye charts bear a striking resemblance to Pantone swatch booklets.

Colour for Legibility

Many maps, such as the famous London Underground map designed by Harry Beck, use abstracted visuals and colour to distinguish between and make clear what might otherwise appear as confusing and arbitrary.

Above: You can tell me which one of these two maps is more legible...

Similarly road signs are specifically engineered in such a way as to be legible under any given time of day or weather condition, regardless of colour.

The Politics of Colour

Colour can mean a lot more than simple aesthetics. As Sylvia points out in the lecture, there can be strong political associations with specific colours. A powerful example of this is how our public post boxes in Ireland were mandated to be painted green after the country achieved independence from British colonial rule. In fact the shade of green was entirely arbitrary, one could argue the act was more about the removal of the distinctly British-associated shade of red, which itself speaks volumes of the power of colour.

A similar example of the political power of colour was the #Blackout campaign to protest against racism and police brutality following the killing of George Floyd.

Left: Yves Klein, Center: Anish Kapoor, Right: Stuart Semple

A bit similar to Pantone and their patented method of matching colour, a number of artist have gained infamy for their roles in legal ownership and exclusive use of colour.

Yves Klein, an influential french artist and pioneer of performance art. Klein, in collaboration with Edouard Adam, created a vibrant blue, reminiscent of the lapis lazuli used in medieval paintings of the Virgin Mary. This shade was dubbed International Klein Blue or IKB. Klein registered this process with the French patent institute in 1960 but never formally patented it.

Renowned British-Indian artist Anish Kapoor, known for sculptures such as "The Bean" and Sky Mirror, was granted exclusive artistic use of the super-black coating Vantablack by it's creator Surrey NanoSystems in 2014. This provoked widespread criticism across the art world.

Kapoor drew particular criticism from Biritsh artist Stuart Semple. Semple, in retaliation to Kapoor's exclusive licensing of Vantablack released a shade of pink paint called "PINK – the world's pinkest pink paint" with the specific legal caveat that it could not be purchased by or for Anish Kapoor. This spurred him on toward a movement of democratising colour, creating affordable alternatives to patented shades such as the aforementioned Vantablack but also to Yves Klein's IKB and even an alternative to Pantone's matching system.

If it's not obvious I think artists have legal exclusivity to materials of any kind is an affront to art itself, and I'm happy to see people like Semple challenging the practice.

Above: Anish Kapoor's now iconic reply to Stuart Semple after getting his hands on PINK.

Stanley Whitney and Colour

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Stanley Whitney is an American painter known for his use of colour and politically motivated art. I included a video above where he talks both about important political causes like contraceptive rights and also his feelings on colour.

What I admire specifically about Whitney's work is his persistent use of a loose grid as a composition. It highlights just how much emphasis he places on colour. What speaks to the viewer in a Stanley Whitney painting are the colours and their relationships between one another.

#Disrupt #Research #Colour Theory #Colour #LSAD Seminar #Youtube

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nerdynuala · 11 months

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Hi!!! Your hcs are relaxing, could you ask for some of hange ofc about her normal daily life? Like... I once saw one about it being very canon that she would have an ipad with something like 10000 games.

Hello! Sorry I'm answering late to this, had a busy week.

Sooo I suppose this is about modern Hange's daily life! I haven't really thought of modern AU in general but this sounds fun, especially because now that you mention she would have loads of games on her iPad I have to mention the ONE headcanon I read about a while ago, that has stuck with me forever. That one headcanon is the absolute truth to me. I'm so sad I can't credit it properly because I don't remember who posted it, but that genius of a fellow Tumblr user pointed out Hange would have this song set as default tone for her mobile. And honestly, I can't unsee this lol

Anyway, this one wasn't mine, so have some of my own:

(using she/her pronouns since the ask uses these)

- Her laptop's desktop is a mess. She "loses" folders or documents once or twice a week. "Leviii I swear I did nothing! Nothing at all! They just keep disappearing, I didn't even click on anything"

- She goes to bed at ungodly hours, but despite the lack of sleep she does not have even the slightest hint of eyebags. Lucky one.

- Yes, iPad with 1000 games but only uses two or three. She still plays Fruit Ninja. One of her favorites is Among Us, especially when she gets impostor. She does get caught most of the times though, because she's too impatient and ends up being uhm not-so-stealthy.

- Oh and she definitely plays Pokemon Go. Opens it once a year really, but she never ever got rid of the app on her phone.

- Sings in the shower. She's definitely not a good singer, yells too much and is constantly out of tune.

- Do not ever look at her YouTube playlist. Most random videos on that. You can find silly songs such as Narwhal, Dewgong and Capibara, and then a bunch of random science videos. Has watched videos about how Romans pooped and Roman baths like a hundred times. Her favorite YouTube thing is still the llama Carl though.

- Has a lot of plants in the house but they're all dead or about to die. She has a little plant that somehow has managed to survive and sticks with her. She talks to the plant as if it was a pet.

- She will never admit it to Levi, but when she does not want to do the dishes, she eats straight out of the pan.

- Wouldn't be bad at cooking, but lacks the patience for elaborate dishes. Ends up cooking very quick things and eats a lot of pasta with different sauces because that's quick. She also has it al dente, not because she knows that's how it should be done, but because it's quicker.

- Can't stand when it's hot in summer and strolls around the house with just her panties on. The neighbors on the opposite building have seen her naked through the windows more than once. She just does not bother to pull the curtains.

- Sleeps on her back most of the times and snores a lot.

- Her natural time to wake up in the morning is around 11 am. Before that, she can wake up but feels extremely groggy.

- Owns plushies. But not teddy bears and common stuff. She has an axolotl plushie, a kiwi bird plushie, a dodo and a platypus.

- She has this thing to go the beach or the pool. She loves it.

#ask box #answered #headcanons #hange zoe #modern au #aot #snk

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bright-and-burning · 12 days

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☕️ computer operating systems

my personal order goes macOS > linux > windows!

there was a really good post i saw a while ago talking abt how the three approach interacting with your computer (like the deep bits not like. your file explorer) differently. i’ll try to somewhat replicate it but ill definitely do a worse job akdjsk

linux is like you’re in the same room you can see it all you can touch it all. which makes me slightly nervous bc my computer science background is Noooot the kind of cs where i feel all that comfortable rearranging a computer’s guts. both physically and digitally. but in school i worked a lot with linux specifically with super computers so using it is fine i would just get nervous abt accidentally hitting self destruct . somehow .

mac (which is a unix OS) is like you’re in different rooms but you can open the door and peek in and mess around a little (and even a lot) but it’s pretty hard to trash the room. which is why i like it! the command line interface is nice and upfront, everything is pretty intuitive to get into and mess with imo like you don’t have to download extra software just to unzip .tar files (cough. fuck you windows. cough). all of my cs professors had macs for their laptops and would remote in to linux super computer access lol. the unix philosophy is “operating systems should provide a set of simple tools, each of which performs a limited, well-defined function” whereas windows’ philosophy seems to be “fuck you we’re microsoft”

and windows is like. you can open a window (that was unintentional) and shout at it. maybe. they HIDE everything?? i feel like im jail breaking my work desktop literally daily just trying to force it to let me see what’s going on with code. why do you have to go searching for command line interfacing. ALSO jesus christ the fucking pop ups the add ons the BULLSHITTTT they throw in that mf. i remote in from my mac to my windows work computer when im wfh and ill accidentally hit command + c to copy (bc that’s control c on a mac) but the keyboard mapping means command = windows key so it tries to pull up cortana. but it just pulls up a window that says “cortana in windows as a standalone app is deprecated” THEN GET RID OF THE KEYBOARD SHORTCUT YOU FUCKING MORONS!!!! that one happens 2-3 times a day when i wfh and every time i get mad. the constant fucking pop up notifications and the stupid news thing that comes up whenever i accidentally roll my mouse over the bottom right. half of the features on windows feel like adware it’s insane???

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll talk about how i feel about it

#tldr linux is fine but makes me nervous bc im not as experienced w it #mac is my bestie i love her i know how to work with her she’s never failed me #windows i want to set on fire like biweekly #ask

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jattendschaton · 9 months

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Hey! I'm just someone random but I saw your post from a few days ago talking about how you can't unsend messages on Instagram until the recipient accepts your message request. I ran into this issue recently myself, and I found out the solution after messing around a bit.

All you need to do is log into your account on the desktop browser version of IG and go into your messages. At that point go to the conversation, click the three dots next to the message you want to delete and then "forward" "copy" and "unsend" should pop up. I tested it on some of my own accounts and from what I've seen, if you do it this way the recipient will have no trace of the message you sent.

Oh my goodness hi thank you!!! It was so kind of you to message me this solution!!!

I logged onto my account on a desktop browser and actually it looks like the messages are already gone somehow?? I don't know, I unblocked the artist yesterday to see if the messages would still pop up and they did (so I reblocked them to continue my attempts to hide), but when I unblocked them today to try your solution, they were already gone. I checked again on mobile and even there it looks like the messages are gone ?? I honestly have no idea why but !!!

Even if I didn't actually get to use your solution, it still was helpful to get me to check again and find out the messages were gone. And if this ever happens again, this'll be the first thing I try. Genuinely, thank you for your help—it was really lovely of you to reach out with your expert Instagram knowledge, I really hadn't even thought of trying to fix it over desktop!

#ask #anonymous #you are the best kind of person ever #you are not just someone random you are a HERO #seriously so fucking sweet of you to see someone freaking out over something dumb and reaching out to help them <3<3 #I know my freakout probably seemed disproportionate for what it was but it genuinely really triggered my anxiety #so the idea that you are just a kind person reaching out with your knowledge to help another random person on the internet #is so lovely!! youre wonderful!!!#thank you thank you thank you for your help <3

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maglors-anion-gap · 1 year

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(@cosmic-walkers so sorry for the late reply - work was very busy this week. Posting our thread as a new post because I feel bad gumming yours up with a bunch of reblogs. RIP to everyone's dash tho, the ADHD is leaping out and this post will not be short.)

Note: the text in all the images has been copied into the image description function on desktop. let me know if for some reason it can't be accessed.

Anyway, cosmic-walkers and I had a really good exchange about maeglin and his treatment in text that got me thinking again about eol and the difficulties I've had engaging with his narrative even after coming around to a more nuanced.

I mentioned this in my tags and asked how folks go about repairing eol's narrative:

And I got a really thoughtful reply that, with permission, I'm sharing here so that more people can see it. Hopefully it is as interesting to you all as it was to me. (browse images right to left, top to bottom. comments organized in vertical order in each image).

Thank you @cosmic-walkers for taking the time to write that out for me. It absolutely makes sense, and I actually really love getting long messages because I feel like the length constraints of both tags and comments hinder free conversation.

I have a degree in public health, and my focus was interpersonal and family violence; I don't bring it up to toot my own horn, but rather to offer some context for readers here and to draw from as I analyze the patterns of behavior in the narrative. For what its worth, I think that more nuanced readings of eol's character line up pretty well with frameworks for understanding unhealthy relationships, abusive relationships, and family violence.

I think it makes people uncomfortable to engage with the idea that abusers are humans. I don't mean that people ought to feel a preponderance of sympathy for them (at the expense of their victims), but rather that humans have human triggers, motivations, and psychologies. Of course, we are talking about elves, but *vague hand waving.* I joke that my degree was the most expensive, circuitous way to get therapy, but it really did help to engage with concepts like family systems theory to understand my own life and move forward in healing past "that sucked and my abuser is a monster .... who somehow manages to treat everyone else well... why me?"

Family systems theory posits that abuse can arise in certain dynamics and be conducted by people who, in other dynamics, would not act abusively. It asks us to describe both the overarching family system as well as the subsystems that exist between different members. Noise in one subsystem echoes to impact the rest of the system. It emphasizes the impact of boundaries (divisions, openness or isolation, emotional closeness), roles (patterns of behavior, and who may be targeted/blamed/scapegoated), rules (spoken and unspoken standards, traditions, and guidelines), and hierarchy (power, who holds it, respect and lack thereof). People chafe against the the last concept, feedback and circular causality, because when applied incorrectly it can sound like the victims are provoking their own abuse - this is not true, and it should not be applied like this. It only means that a relationship yields certain behaviors depending on its climate, and that once a pattern of behavior is established it becomes harder to break.

When analyzing family systems theory, many people choose to pair it with the family resilience model, which prioritizes repairing the broken aspects of (sub)system relationships, hilighing positive characteristics and using them as strengths to propel other behavior change, and promoting flexibility, openness, and equitability of social and economic resources to stabilize (sub)systems to begin the healing process. Of course, not everyone wishes to remain in contact with their abuser. Of my two abusers, one I have cut contact with and the other I now have a healthy relationship with. But, utilizing models and evidence based practice like this is critical to actually understanding and then remediating abuse and its damage.

Edit 1/1/23: I forgot to mention the impact of stress on abuse. Many abusers release their stress, confusion, and concerns in the form of abuse because they don’t have another way to process and positively direct those emotions. This can be caused by lack of emotional intelligence or ability to self regulate and soothe, lacking interpersonal communication skills, poor modeling from their own role models. I’ve written evidence-based program plans for mitigating teen dating violence, and to make an impact you have to far in advance of the common age of onset of dating violence. We should be teaching stress management tools, emotional regulation, communication skills, and bodily autonomy is late primary and early elementary school. But many people connect dating violence and sex in their minds and don’t want to talk about it with kids. In reality, a lot of abuse happens because of disregulation, not because of inappropriate desire. This is compounded in real life by theories of power and hierarchical respect - if people feel like someone is of higher value than them, they treat them respectfully, but if they feel like they are the person of higher value, they feel it is within their rights (and perhaps a just affirmation/ defense of system hierarchy) to treat them as they please.

I bring all this up because after reading your comments, I tried using it to analyze the system of Eol, Aredhel, and Maeglin, and the subsystems between them. We agree that as a whole, their family system is tense, unequal, and prone to violence (not necessarily the physical kind). Edit 1/1/23: everyone in the family is experiencing stressors, including Eol himself. The way he responds to these stressors is not healthy and has an impact on the subsystems of their family.

The subsystem of Aredhel and Maeglin is the easiest to analyze in some ways, and there's a wealth of knowledge to pick over. The two of them are emotionally close, open with each other, ally with each other (as in, we do not canonically see either of them display pecking order behavior in which one abuse victim then abuses someone less powerful in another subsystem), and seem to have similar power distance (aredhel is his mother, but she is not characterized as being domineering toward him, and has about as much systemic power as maeglin in comparison to eol, though eol treats maeglin worse initially, forming a subsystem I discuss next).

Eol and Maeglin form a fractious subsystem. It is characterized by high power distance, emotional isolation (see: not naming Maeglin until he was far along in childhood), and Eol regards him more as a possession than as someone worthy of his respect and basic dignity (see: the attempted murder). Resources is a more uniquely human concept, but Eol is the lord of Nan Elmoth, he exerts some control over the forest, he maintains his own staff and people, and he has the ability to forbid (and enforce) certain behaviors. Maeglin spends more time with his mother than father (out of the house too, if memory serves, though this may not be so odd for elves) and dreams of running away to Gondolin, and it seems to me that Aredhel's tales of Gondolin (ironically, a city-prison of another sort) are so sweet to him because of his current family situation.

Aredhel and Eol form the third and final subsystem. I think it is important to note here that many, if not most, abusive relationships begin well. At baseline, many abusers are adept at concealing red flag behaviors until they successfully lock down their victim. But I am more interested in exploring the family systems model of abuse here (Eol is often analyzed using the characteristics of a serial abuser, and while some people fit that model, in combination with the terrible handling of race and culture in this arc, brute caricatures, and white damsels, I think it does more to reinforce an over-done reading that leans into rather than away from Tolkien's biases).

As you so rightly mention, Aredhel and Eol begin their relationship with a certain degree of love. We can see some differences in power, agency, and respect from the start - I am reminded of Eol enchanting the woods to draw Aredhel in. However, this is a storytelling device common to fairy tales, even ones intended to be read romantically, and because I am a huge lover of the Ballad of Tam Lin I must be honest with myself and admit that this alone can be taken as a stylistic choice and not an indicator of purely evil intentions.

The difference in power only grows as Eol forbids Aredhel to visit the lands of the Noldor; this puts her in a difficult bind, as she is also not welcome in the largest kingdom of the Sindar. In general, controlling someone's movements indicates a paternalism and lack of respect that it's difficult to build a healthy relationship on. Now, initially they do go about exploring together, and I think this is something that would have endeared Eol to Aredhel, something she would have enjoyed, something they could have found common ground in, and something that perhaps reminded her of old friends like Celegorm. As their relationship degrades, we see mentions of that closeness, emotional openness, and equity of station disappear. Now Eol goes about his business, Aredhel concerns herself with their son, and they wait until Eol is gone to flee.

On the topic of why people agree to the demands of abusive or otherwise toxic partners, when interviewed many people say that they would like to stay with their partner but that they just want the abuse/hurtful behavior to stop. Now, it's not always possible to achieve that, but many people love their abusers. They make excuses to themselves, their families, and to the medical and legal system to protect them. We cannot discount the impact fear, threats, isolation, and lack of resources have on this behavior, but it would be wrong to dismiss the emotional attachment many people feel. I believe this is a valid reason why Aredhel would initially entertain Eol's demand that she not travel in noldor lands (additionally, she has only had experience with her brother at this point, and Turgon eventually relented and let her go, so perhaps she thinks she can eventually wear Eol down into relaxing his restrictions). It would also explain why she pleads twice to save Eol's life.

Now, I think their relationship, even before Maeglin was (lovingly) conceived, was poised to fall apart. Eol cannot get past his opinions of the noldor, and while those opinions are not incorrect and are, on their own, valid to hold, he marries a noldor woman and has a half-noldor child with her. I think a certain lack of trust in Aredhel, and lack of respect for her cultural background, lays the foundation for his abuse of their son. I read some excellent meta recently about the functional impact of the Quenya ban, and the writer posed that by banning Quenya, the language and culture was associated with kinslayers - thusly, anyone who wanted to participate in political life in Beleriand (which required peace and intergroup co-operation) would have to disavow not just the kinslayings (despite being overwhelmingly kinslayers themselves) but also there heritage. I can see this kind of mentality come out strongly in Eol's treatment of Maeglin: he is concerned that Aredhel teaching Maeglin about her family is like a poison to him, that any faith he has in his wife's good nature or his own ability to parent effectively and teach Maeglin about his own culture is overwhelmed by the canker of noldorin culture.

I think this further corroborates your claim that their relationship slowly degrades from good to bad, because I don't think Aredhel would have tolerated that initially, and if we follow LaCE I'm not sure conceiving Maeglin would be possible with the degree of animosity we see toward the end of their relationship. But I might push a little on the idea that the relationship between Aredhel and Eol was healthy up until the birth of Maeglin. I think the introduction of Maeglin to the family, the creation of two new subsystems, the shift and echo of power within the system, all combine to catalyze abuse. But a loving relationship does not equal a healthy relationship, and loving and being loved by someone does not mean that you have a true, deep respect for each other. It is fully possible to be in love with someone, care deeply about them - and be unable to relate meaningfully to them, or understand their fears or needs. This is how I perceive Aredhel and Eol's relationship almost up until the moment she flees from him.

Now I have some loose end thoughts. Regarding the impact of Eol's parenting on Maeglin, there is some interesting research on chronic fear in children that I refer to now. Chronic (prolonged, or recurring) fear in children causes a host of acute and chronic issues later, both physiological and psychological. Blood sugar, stress hormone levels, sleep health, capacity for and strength of emotional attachment, attention span, short and long term memory, sociability and antisocial behaviors, and rage are all negatively impacted by experiencing chronic fear. Fear is a word that has certain connotations in people's minds, but in this context it can mean anything from living in a war zone, to experiencing abuse, to being bullied or growing up being discriminated against for any reason, to being food or housing insecure, to being routinely disciplined in an illogical/punitive manner. Not all sources of fear are imminent physical threats (there is a reason it is a separate and unique felony crime, for example, for a child to witness abuse taking place even if the child is technically safe).

So we can look at all this and apply this to how we think Maeglin thinks, feels, and interacts with the world considering his poor relationship with his father, the disintegrating relationship between his father and mother, his introduction to gondolin (and losing both parents), and then the discrimination he faces within Gondolin. He moves from one system of fear to another system of fear, and the irony is that his father couldn't stand him for his mother's heritage and the Gondolindhrim judge him for his father's. I think in some ways, Nan Elmoth and Gondolin are reflections of each other, and what happens when xenophobia, isolationism, and fear come into play.

Something else that came to mind while writing was that different groups of Sindar view the Noldor differently. Doriath views them as a challenger to the rule of Beleriand, and this is evident in how Thingol speaks of his kingship and the laws he makes. Some Sindar go with Turgon to Gondolin - though the ruling class, and the historians like Penlodh are all Noldor, so while Maeglin was not entirely alone in Gondolin, he still was not truly free, and the historical record after his death is most definitely biased. the Sindar in the north see the Noldor as allies - though again, similarly to the Sindar that took Turgon as their Lord, or the Edain immediately swearing to elvish Lords, I see Tolkien's bias and racial hierarchy creeping in here to determine "logical" progressions of events. I think all of this contributes to a very tense environment in Beleriand, between the noldor and the sindar, between different groups of sindar, etc etc, and different groups would likely have different fears/reactions to the Noldor. I think Eol was poised, with his cultural trauma, for his marriage to fail. And he is mentioned in connection to Thingol, not Círdan, so his cultural and political context comes into play here. Additionally, we have no idea how old he is. Thingol (and Círdan too iirc) is old enough to remember the Teleri that left for Valinor; this is speculation, but Eol could be as well, which would at least contextualize his intense reaction to the kinslayings as an even more personal grief.

This was a very long free-form way of processing what I think about Eol, and I think I can safely say I find him more interesting as a character now. I really wanted to like him! I tried so hard! I can find something to like about almost every character in the legendarium (even if it's just a "wow that is such an interesting/stimulating way to build characterization"). And I think I can do that with Eol now. I think there's so much to explore re: Nan Elmoth, his skill as a smith, and his relationship with the dwarves.

I actually think it was you that posted about Feanor and Eol being similar, and the thought crossed my mind again as I was writing this up, firstly because of their similar passions, but also because I think they respond to stress, fear, and grief in a similar way. Neither of them handle it well, and they take it out on the people around them. In fact, I think it's great to contrast these two. On the one hand, we have Feanor, grieving his mother, his father, the last bit of stability in Valinor, and feeling like he doesn't belong in that society, that he's tainted, and that everyone secretly hates him (Morgoth's brain worms aren't helping). On the other hand, we have Eol, who is grieving the murder of his kinsfolk, and who views the arrival of the noldor as the colonization and the potential obliteration of his people (a valid fear to have, and corroborated by those princes of the noldor who cross the sea not to fight Morgoth but to obtain kingdoms of their own). And of course, the threat of imprisonment in Gondolin for life is the last straw, and very important in my mind when considering what Eol does next.

It just came to mind, but you could perhaps draw a parallel between Eol trying to kill Maeglin as a perverse mercy killing to spare him the pain of being an outcast in Gondolin, and Denethor trying to burn himself and Faramir alive to prevent their remains from falling into the hands of the Enemy. Eol has a certain love for his son, and unfortunately it's the killing kind.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me, and I'm in agreement with you! It was really helpful to hear your thoughts. In a way, it was kind of freeing to hear you say Eol was kind of crap? The last conversation I had (years ago) with someone about Eol and transformative works, I got the distinct sense that they thought anything less than a fully exculpatory reading of Eol (and reworking the narrative to place the blame of Aredhel's death on "an accident" or "getting between Turgon's men and Eol") was not good enough to repair the narrative. And don't get me wrong! I actually really enjoy AUs and canon divergence, and this arc is no exception!

But sometimes I like to stick closer to canon, and pick apart the biases in the narrative and how they're impacting the characters, especially in an arc that is tied so closely to those characters. I had a pretty firm grasp of the biases at play, but I didn't have as good a handle on the dynamic between Eol and Aredhel and that really tripped me up when I considered possible adaptations to their arc.

My final thought is that I hate having the only character of XYZ background be the villain. I think the way I can potentially get around that is that because it's easier to repair Maeglin's narrative, it's easy for me to make Maeglin sympathetic. As you said, Eol is sympathetic, and nuanced, but also kind of a shitty guy. Whereas Maeglin is sympathetic, nuanced, does some things are are Not Well Adjusted, but also imminently likable once the narrative biases are stripped away. Most of Maeglin's "Crimes" in the narrative are like "he was in love with his cousin, but he was respectful and didn't say anything about it, but she was a mindreader and found out anyway," and "wow he's so close to the king, that's suspicious (even though they're blood related and that's not a red flag at all)" and "he gave up the city ... to gain his cousin as a prize ... but he was tortured first, so maybe it was the torture that really sealed the deal, not the cousin-loving?" Sorry, abrupt departure from academic language into dark humor. But yeah. Fully fleshing out both of these characters - and maybe including some of the sindar of Gondolin and Nan Elmoth as OC's even? - is maybe the way to go.

#Eol #Maeglin #Aredhel #Sindar #Nolofinweans #Gondolindhrim #meta #cosmic-walkers #tol-himling #long post

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oumaheroes · 2 years

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I love how you describe Ireland and the organized chaos of his house, if you ever wanted to write a little ficlet or drabble about someone (maybe someone used to England's specific brand of hoarding like Canada, or someone overly neat like Prussia) walking into That for the first time and their reaction or some things they notice, I'd eat it for breakfast without any milk 💕 I feel like Ireland is also kinda protective of his space, so he doesn't let just anybody in his house and he doesn't particularly appreciate uninvited visitors. (There are of course exceptions and different levels to this, like I don't think Scotland has needed an invitation for decades, but England should at least call first)

Word count: 1k

Characters: Ireland, Germany

---

‘Whatever you’re thinking of, it will be worse.’

Prussia’s warning was the first thing Germany thought of when Ireland suggested that they take a detour to his house.

‘Forgot my wallet,’ Ireland had told him apologetically as the day’s events wrapped up in Dublin, ‘So we need to swing by mine before we head on out.’

‘I don’t mind paying fo-‘

‘Ah! No you don’t there,’ Ireland looked offended, ‘You’re my guest, I’m not letting you do that. No no, we’ll just pop in to mine and I’ll grab it. It’s not too far anyway and there’s a nice pub nearby- we can eat and drink there before carrying on.’

Germany didn’t really have any reason to argue. Running through old European social rules he’d memorised to see if he was somehow breaking one of them (there were, irritatingly, so many), he couldn’t think of any pertaining to Ireland and so he went, content enough for the brief walk after the long day.

Ireland’s house just outside of the centre of town was nothing fancy- not too large or prominent but a decent size for someone to live in for a few centuries without getting sick of the place. Clean brick amongst similar looking siblings with a neat front garden it looked ordinary enough.

‘Shit everywhere.’ Prussia had said, ‘Stacks of stuff all over the place and never where it should be. That was what pissed me off the most.'

At the time, Germany had pictured a ramshackle house with bits and pieces of it littering the garden and spilling out of windows, odd assortments of items all over the place like a table in the bathroom or clothes in the shed.

This had been about a hundred years ago, so who really knew.

Prussia, as he was far too often for Germany’s liking concerning the ‘old world’, was right.

Inside was chaos.

The door opened up into a foyer. The large windows which would have made the place nice and bright held an assortment of plants, leaves flopping over each other and onto the floor. An old phone table stood nearby; ancient phone dwarfed next to a very ugly looking iron candelabra. In the kitchen beyond, Germany could see a printer open on the floor by an island counter, its innards gone to instead hold what looked to be an assortment of cables. The counter itself-

‘Sit yourself down and get comfortable,’ Ireland said, closing the door behind them and ushering Germany inside, past the kitchen and through to a living room, ‘Want a tea?’

‘…I’m alright, thank you.’

‘You sure? Wee drink won’t do you any harm. How about coffee?’

Germany eyed up a teetering stack of books on an armchair. He got the feeling that etiquette dictated that he was supposed to accept, ‘A coffee sounds good, if that’s alright.’

‘Perfect, wait here a moment.’

Ireland disappeared with a whistle, leaving Germany to search for a place to sit. Aside from the armchair, there was a large sofa which would have been ideal but there was a computer on it. Not a new computer, either a modern laptop or desktop, but one of the fat, old beige-coloured monitors from twenty years ago. It was upside down, the back of it missing, and was empty inside. Next to that was a suitcase, half packed or unpacked with clothes.

He looked about for somewhere to move them to.

The room was very cosy, if nothing else. Mismatched rugs covered the floorboards, half on top of each other, and a generously sized fireplace was covered in photographs, different size and coloured frames higgledy-piggledy on the mantlepiece or hung on nails. Two large bookcases stood flanking it packed with books, CDs, and DVDs, and then paintings covered the remaining walls (a tasteful light green wallpaper, when it could be found).

The more Germany looked, the stranger things became.

On the shelves between some books appeared to be a collection of ornate spoons in a pint glass. On another shelf lay a very large hammer, the Scottish flag rudely scored on the handle. Draped along several others were numerous ties and then one lone hat crowned them all, jauntily placed on a fat tome on the top. On the side facing the back garden, an empty easel stood in front of the large bay windows, a large handsaw balanced against the spine and a watering can resting at its feet.

Germany hesitated. He had to sit somewhere; it would look incredibly impolite of him to be still standing stiffly in the middle of the room when Ireland returned. There were side tables next to the sofa and armchair but these were also full, and there was a TV stand but instead of a TV stood a very ugly wooden carving of… a gnome? A child…? It was something. Handmade, concerningly. Either way it was large, taking up the whole table greedily with beady eyes and clawed hands that may or may not have been holding a very misshapen baby.

Incredibly unsure of himself, Germany carefully put the computer monitor on the floor and perched delicately on the edge of the sofa.

‘Jesus, you look stiff,’ Ireland told him when he returned minutes later, ‘You alright? Do you want a lay down or something upstairs?’

‘No, thank you.’ Germany forced his back against the sofa. To his surprise, it was incredibly comfortable and he sank back fully against the cushions, ‘I’m perfectly fine, actually.’

'If you say so.' Ireland balanced his own mug amongst one of the bookcases and picked up the stack of books off the armchair with a frustrated tut.

'These are all Arthur's,' he told Germany, 'I've had 'em for months and he hasn't even noticed; you should see the amount of tat he has. Hoarding bastard.'

---

AN:

Hope this fits what you were wishing for, Anon!

And you are totally right about Scotland and England regarding visiting Ireland. Scotland happily pops over whenever but England has never felt as though he's had the right to do that and Ireland doesn't really invite him over anyway. If there's work needed in Dublin, Arthur usually flies or takes the ferry home unless they're there for a while, in which case Ireland would begrudgingly offer to put him up.

(The odd statue is another Wales creation- they all have one somewhere)

#aph ireland #aph germany #hws ireland #hws germany #heroes writes #heroes answers #heroes ficlets

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mood2you · 10 months

Text

Welp

I actually haven't gotten the desktop update yet but the way Tumblr's denizens have been complaining about the looming algorithm reminds me that Tumblr was made as a blogging or micro-blogging platform. I know the difference does matter, but it hasn't enstated a 256 character limit (although, fanfiction writers are vexed by the limits of characters/lines, a limit is here!) so it must be a blogging site.

No one remembers what blogging is, since now it's a thing influencers do to become copyrighters, doing free influencing to "gain experience" which sounds just miserable. But I think blogging is like having a diary entry, not like Tweeting, which admittedly a lot of my posts read like. They are one or two lines, sometimes with mangled punchlines, or just a mean observation of the day.

There is also art which I believe in spreading. That's the one thing that reblogging as probably been turning this site into something it wasn't from the beginning, because if the next few paragraphs is more personal, you may be confused on if I want it to go viral or just be widely spread, (as opposed to just posting art without blogging, but then, why are you on Tumblr? Because somehow the users of Tumblr are kind of unique, and blogging would be good for showing the WIPs of a long piece or showing off a portfolio) but after all I am publishing it, so I must want someone to see it. This week has been slow on art and I will get to why, but I did one ArtFight Piece, which I am proud of, mostly because of the background as the form was hasty. That doesn't mean no one can think the form is good, it's just about how I produced the piece. I got the pose completely wrong, so stiff, and then fixed it real quick.

No matter what, it's cartoonie and loose. It is a drawing of SundaePlaza (Sp on AF and Sp on Twitter) The pose was the most inspired part, hand-in-hand with me seeing Super Mario in the character description and erroniously pulling Kirby and then going back and seeing Kirby explicly called as an inspiration they would love to see in Blondie (the character) art. Really a star would throw you around quite a lot unless you leaned into the turns, something I was reminded of earlier this month subway surfing.

I meant to work on JPB every other day besides ArtFight, and Undermoon on the other days since I was jumping into it so happily I thought I should spread the love onto my preexisting comic. But Stardew Valley has eaten my brain. And I'm reading more this side of the month because things have settled down compared to earlier. It's really hot out, and I like to read outside, and lately I've been so conscience of heat exhaustion, but my hair has gotten long enough to wash it in the morning, and then go out with a cool head. I used to wash it at night and wake up with it sticking straight up, well ordered enough naturally, I never gel it.

I've also been working on learning to crochet but it's going slowly.

My poor old cat didn't eat this morning because I was carpet-cleaning with the loudest machine ever. He has been losing weight. I took an oddly shaped matt of his knee last night and he seemed more sore than grateful, and he left a big hairball in the bathroom last night. He hates to be brushed. Who knows what to do with him, give him a Lion Cut I guess, but I don't want to trust groomers with him. The kittens are alright.

I've been catching up on Reading Glasses, which has a lot of ads.

#blog #artfight #tumblr

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hunterofthehunters · 11 months

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15) Adios

Lots of thoughts from this one. Content warning, I’m gonna talk about a pet that passed away, along with other thoughts.

A few years back, when I was still in college, I had a dog. First dog that was ever really my responsibility. My friend, my family, my buddy.

Beautiful black lab named Hana. Smart dog, listened really well, had a bark as loud as a dog three times her size. And she was already pretty big. She had a habit of following me around everywhere, always wanted to be with me. Whenever I’d do my pacing when thinking about something while writing, or anything really, she’d always be right up my butt. Bumped into me a few times, almost made me trip. I got mad at her sometimes for that. But she’d always give me that sweet look, and it’d be right back to how things were. Loved that dog.

She got cancer less than a year after we got her. Young dog. Raised her from being just this little pup. Felt like we’d had her for years. Gone, just like that.

I remember sitting by her in our living room that summer, while she was sick. Lost a retail job that I was balancing in-between work because I just couldn’t handle coming and going every day after sleeping next to her, seeing her suffer, wondering if things would ever get better. They did. We had hope for a bit that she’d fully recover, even.

Then it came back. And she died within the week.

I remember not wanting to do anything that month. I just couldn’t. I was lucky it happened during summer break. I might’ve flunked college completely if I didn’t have the time to grieve.

I remember when they made the decision to put her to sleep. I didn’t want to. But she was hurting. And she couldn’t take any more.

I never went with them when they left. I kept hoping some miracle would happen, but it didn’t. She went there without me that day. My parents were the ones who said goodbye that day.

Whenever I go back to that moment, I wish like fucking hell I’d sucked it up and been there to say goodbye. So she knew that I loved her, down to that last moment.

Her ashes are on my shelf to this day, resting right over my desktop as I type these thoughts out right now. I wonder if she’d be sitting near my chair right now, sighing happily as she drifts off to sleep. I can only hope she doesn’t resent me for what I didn’t do that day.

Why am I bringing this up? Adios brought me back there, for a bit.

Adios is a role-playing game. You’re not playing as ‘yourself in a situation’, though maybe you’ll see yourself sometimes. You’re playing as a man who lived a life full of regrets. A man who wishes he could’ve done right by the ones he loved. This is his story. You just get to bear witness to it.

Maybe you’ll see something in that. A mirror, maybe. Or maybe you won’t. Fact is, this is a game about mourning. Mourning ones we’ve lost. Mourning decisions we’ve made. Mourning the decisions we didn’t make, or should have made.

Knowing your death is coming is a rare privilege in some ways. A curse in others.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, honestly. I just wanted to talk. Maybe there’s some parts of me that never fully grieved, that this helped me sort out. Or maybe I just need to reflect. Either way, it was a good experience. I think some part of me really needed this. Appreciated sharing in these thoughts with someone else.

We had--well, have--another dog. Quite a few other dogs, but this little boy’s special. Little fiery chihuahua named Bruno. He was with us with when we lost Hana. Had him before her for about a year, and he was with her when she was growing up. Was supposed to be mom’s little buddy, but when Hana got sick, he was with me in the living room every night. We slept next to her, were with her every step of the way. Guess somehow we bonded, because ever since then he’s taken a similar role that she had. A buddy who follows me around, keeps me company. Makes sure neither of us are alone.

I think, when the years pass and it’s time for him to go, I’ll make up for what I didn’t do last time.

Adios means goodbye. Make sure you say it when you need to.

‘Til then, I’m gonna enjoy our years together.

Love you, little dude.

#loog's 2023 media thread #adios #tw animal death

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