#I was actually gonna start writing this thought in my journal but the thoughts were coming too fast so typing is the only way

[waynewifey]

aporia — b.w

part one : dear mr. wayne

part two: aftermath

part three: aporia

epilogue

sumary: aporia suggests “an impasse”, a knot or an inherent contradiction found in any text, an insuperable deadlock, or “double bind” of incompatible or contradictory meanings which are “undecidable”. [reference]

pairing: battinson/bruce wayne x reader

genre: drama & romance

warnings: mental health struggle, miscarriage, car crash, a lot of internal dialogue

word count: 2k

A/N: the more i write, the more i put myself in this story. i feel like this ‘you’ is so complex i can’t help but try to explain her further. part four will be bruce’s perspective on all of this + an epilogue. i’m so grateful for the amazing feedback given on the last two parts and for the new followers, thank you so so much. i hope you enjoy this. (also this gif??? HELLO???)

GOTHAM. USA.

— bargaining.

the uncomfortable silence makes you want to scream. she told you that was a normal reaction and they couldn't get rid of those moments, they were essential for your self reflection. the problem was being alone with your thoughts, even for just one minute. they keep deciding you won't recover any time soon. everyone keeps holding you like a cracked vase. even negligence was better than being put under the microscope.

"i don't know what you want me to say" you respond, your gaze anxiously shuffling between the objects in the room. the woman's eyes, however, don't ever leave your face. she holds that journal like a scientist analysing a mutation. like you're some weird thing.

"you should say whatever you feel like saying." that's what she always answers. dr. quinn was extremely stoic, even for a therapist. you still liked her, though, because her pragmatic approach helped you shift your point of view and see yourself from an outside perspective, which made you want to help yourself. after weeks of feeling extra irritable, still trying to forgive your husband for lying to you, you realised maybe everything was too much for you to handle by yourself. you wanted to go back to the real world but before that, you had to do this. a quick chat with your psychiatrist and he gave you the contact to harley quinn.

"i think i've been way too mean to bruce" your confession has her nodding, like that observation had been made sessions before and she was waiting for you to realise that. "he's been so supportive and helpful, but sometimes words just fly out of my mouth and i don't even mean them"

"do you think it's easier to blame him than to come to terms with what actually happened?" you can't answer, because this was all you've asked yourself lately. you were a coward, hiding behind his suffering to prevent confronting yours. it's easy to curse him, to reject him, but it's not what you want to do. lately it feels like you don't have any control over your emotions and actions. you thought maybe if you pushed away the last person that still cared for you, you could disappear in your loneliness and finally stop hurting. "y/n you've been through something terrible. the kind of thing we never think it's gonna happen to us. i know it doesn't feel real, but you have to face it that it is. the thing about trauma... you have to keep living with it. you have to keep going, because it doesn't go away. but this is your life and you don't get to stay on standby. you hurt the people you love because it's better than hurting yourself. you told me you feel bad about it, so why won't you change?"

why won't you? you don't even know where to start. it felt comfortable living in sorrow forever. horrible, but comfortable. again, it was in fact easier to blame him than to accept this was reality. but he's right outside, been waiting for you for two hours, as he has done twice a week for over a month. you weren't being fair to him. he didn't deserve this. dr. quinn sees the defeat in your eyes and sighs in a mission accomplished type of breath.

"think about this, okay? we'll talk on friday." you nod, as if you weren't already overthinking it.

bruce sees you before listening to you. he's created the habit to stay in the waiting room with headphones in, blasting loud music. he didn't want you to feel like he was prying on you. he also didn't want to listen anything you had to say about him. you had the right to be mad at him, given everything that had happened. he knew you didn't mean it when you bomb dropped the word 'divorce' every now and then. it would take you some time to get back to normal and he wouldn't rush you.

you walk to the car quietly and get into the driver's seat. he agreed to let you drive to and from therapy. the office was actually in dr. quinn's house, a little bit on the country side of the city, if you could call it that. it was a 50 minute drive with no traffic, roads empty enough for you to drift off in you thoughts. he watches you drive, eyes brightening up a little more everyday. he realised that trying to shield you from the world wasn't going to work out. you need to learn how to be on your own. he needs to learn how to care for you while away.

"i'm sorry," you caught him off guard, observing the curves of your face. he frowns at the unexplained sentence. you glance at him but look back at the road. "for the way i've been acting. for pushing you away. for being too complicated. i know you're trying to help… thank you for staying."

"darling, of course. for better or for worse, remember? i'm never leaving you. we're getting through this, together. and don't you worry about me, i'll be okay when you are too, alright? you're doing great, i can see how much you're working towards it." he holds out a hand for you and you take it, intertwining your fingers. his calloused palms are softer now, courtesy of the months without batman-ing. they still embrace yours entirely and warm the cold tips of your fingers.

"i love you" the sweetness of that feeling dominates your tastebuds and it's almost like the day you started dating. that innocent type of love that consist of the pure enjoyment of each others company. however, your attempt to savour the moment is ruined by a shape in your peripheral eyesight.

"i love you too" bruce's voice is muffled by the anxious thoughts taking over your mind. the panic starts to overflow. he notices your body getting stiff and the wheel looking loose on your hand. your breathing lost it's rhythm to creaking gasps. there's something wrong. your eyes are frozen in a vehicle. he's seen this van before. maybe not this one, but an identical one, in a security camera tape in court. it looks exactly like the one that took you. "baby, hey, hey. i'm right here." you don't pay any mind to the man beside you. you can't, not when your instincts are telling you to run. not when you can feel the gun getting knocked on your head over and over again. bruce is saying something. the tears are blurring your sight. this is too much.

he's calling you screaming at this point, tears are rolling down your cheeks and you still haven't looked away from the van. there's a bump coming up, the car is dangerously fast and you're not driving at all. he goes for the wheel but isn't quick enough. the tires wiggle, going in their own direction. the car changes lanes, getting in the wrong way of the street. another car is coming and the impact isn't light. your head is thrown forwards, the airbag covering your face. the windshield shatters and little pieces of glass get stuck in your hair. the crash isn't too bad, you're both still awake and only the front has been smashed. but you get out hyperventilating, falling onto the ground and weeping.

bruce gets out as well, only a scratch on the forehead. he has to kneel on the dirt to hold you up. for a while, he doesn't say anything. the other driver is standing, phone in the ear. he's also fine. the cars were the only damage. two other drivers stop by, offering help. you wish he could help you, but it seems as if there's something inherently wrong with you.

— depression.

the weeks following the accident were harsh. it took a while to get you believing in recovery again. you still weren't sure. somehow there was press at the site, so pictures of you crying next to a car crash made it to the papers. there's minor commentary online about you faking it for your husbands popularity. most of the netizens feel desperately sorry for you and have painted you to be their new princess diana, the comparison seems wild to you.

you only go online every three days or so, because you can't resist the urge to know what bruce hasn't been telling you. jokes on you, he's actually been a lot more transparent lately. you agreed that the batman would show up to the sentence of edward nashton, to pressure the jury with his presence. it worked and the criminal got life without parole. the lawyers said that your public presence impacted on his trial, as 20 years was the standard. you were just glad he wouldn't do that to anybody else ever again. the case got national and your family from outside the state, that you not-so-kindly kept in the dark, started making contact, victimising you all over again.

but things were getting better, gradually. it had been almost a year and it felt like that chapter of your life was finally being finished. you were trying to get your life back, including your driver's license. it was suspended for a while after the accident, so now you had to submit a bunch of medical records to prove that you were mentally fine to drive again. that's how you found yourself in bruce's home office, searching everywhere for your documents. you could've asked him where he put it, but he had just fallen asleep in the living room and you didn't want to disturb him.

in one of the desk's drawers, you find a folder with the local hospital logo on it. you open it, shuffling through the papers you've seen before. only one stands out, with "ob/gyn" on the top of the sheet. you wonder if there's anything helpful there. your eyes start reading the words one by one, listing the examinations they've done on you. the subject changes abruptly.

the ultrasound analysis reports the miscarriage of an unknown pregnancy to the patient's spouse.

you feel like you're about to throw up. the world starts spinning as you force yourself to continue to read.

the fetus was estimated to be in the development stage of the beginning of the second trimester. the miscarriage was most likely a result of several mechanical trauma. dilation and curettage was performed with the patient in a medically induced coma.

you try to remember to breathe in and breathe out just like dr. quinn taught you. you expect the tears but they don't come out. the panic doesn't come. it's suddenly so quiet. it's not like a hole has been punched through your chest, it's like you have no chest at all. it's like you don't even exist. you somehow sit down, your body does. you feel as if it's moving on it's own and you're just watching from afar. your thoughts sound so distant, so irrelevant. you can only think of the baby that had once been inside of you and you didn't even realised. you didn't have the time to love him. you've had him there, right there, the thing you wanted the most in the world and he was taken from you. everything was taken from you.

if a tree falls on a forest, and there's no one around to hear, does it still make a sound? it felt like your fall was silent.

#fluff imagine #robert pattinson x you #robert pattinson #robert pattinson imagine #battinson x you #batman x you #battinson #batman #the batman #the batman x reader #angst imagine #batman angst #fanfiction #batman x reader #harry potter imagines #golden trio era #james potter #marauders fanfiction #bruce wayne x you #bruce wayne smut #bruce wayne imagine #bruce wayne x reader #bruce wayne #bruce wayne angst #bruce wayne insert

[hope-drunk]

ok hear me out.. Bully!Abby who reads through the readers diary and finds out about the readers crush on her?!?!!?... idk, i have no specifics im just infatuated with this plot LOLL also literally obsessed with ur wtiting *chefs kiss* 🤌

nooo bc... bc… (sorry in advance this is all over the place)

i can't see any of my faves as bullies because i’ll cry if they're mean to me BUT i think abby would definitely be rude to you if you were new to WLF.

like she sees this new sweet thing running around base and she’s complaining to manny like, “why’d she even get let in here?”

you’d get paired up with her for patrol and she’d just roll her eyes at you, preparing herself for the extra effort she's gonna have to put in, expecting you to not be able to hold your own.

once you're actually on patrol though, she realizes you aren't as bad as she's anticipating. you're not as good as her, of course, but you weren't terrible.

when you're going back to your own rooms after patrol, she gives you a quick, "good job today." and your heart just flips!!

you can't stop thinking about her after that. you try to stay cool because she very rarely even pays attention to you, but you can't help but talk about her in your diary. scribbling little hearts around her name when you write about your day.

and then one day... you're in the cafeteria, writing down the details of your patrol, and someone calls you across the room, so you walk over to them leaving your diary open on the table, not even thinking about it.

and abby, who was gonna come talk to you about the plans for a run tomorrow, sees your stuff and walks over to it. sits down next to where you've left your food and diary, and she can't help but peak at what you were writing. sits there in shock when she sees her name all over the place, but quickly gets her act together when you walk back over to her.

then she asks you if you’re free, asks you to come back to her room with her to discuss what the plan is for tomorrow. and obviously you agree, quickly packing the journal into your bag and following her to her room like a lost puppy. the whole walk there you can’t help but stare at her back, the way she walks with such determination, the way her shirt is hugging her arms a little too tightly. by the time you approach her door you’ve got yourself worked up, a gooey feeling in your stomach.

“listen, i saw what you wrote in your diary.”

your heart literally drops to your ass, you start profusely apologizing for making her uncomfortable, but she’s quick to cut you off.

“you’ve got a little crush on me, hm? you like when i’m all mean, don’t you?”

you just stare up at her with wide eyes, the embarrassment of being called out makes your cheeks turn red.

“yeah, i bet you do like it. just need someone to give you a firm hand, isn’t that right, sweet girl?”

she swears she can see the thoughts leave your head as you slowly nod up at her. she can’t stop the smirk from spreading across her mouth as she realizes how much fun she’s gonna have messing with you </3.

#༉‧₊˚. 💌 #anons ! #abby ! #abby anderson drabble #abby anderson x reader

[indigenouslabrys]

Rough night - Ellie x Fem!reader

Summary: In moments like this, Ellie's house becomes your safe place.

Warnings: reader has a really toxic (lesbophobic) mother, a lot of crying, argument, and some fluff/comfort at the end.

A/N: that's a modern au because I never know what to do with original universes of shows/games 👍🏽 Also, maybe I did write Joel a little bit too emotional (?), but that's because I took out my daddy/mommy issues in this story, hope you don't mind.

You were reading your favorite book when you heard your mother calling you from the second floor.

"Y/n, come here now."

''Can you wait for 5 more min-'' She cuts you off.

''What do you think I mean when I say 'now'!?''

"Ok, I'm coming.'' You roll up your eyes and get up from the couch.

When you get upstairs and see her in your room, holding your sketchbook and your journal, you feel your heart racing.

''Why are you going through my stuff?'' You try to act calm.

''It doesn't matter. I'll ask just once. Who's Ellie Williams, and what's going on between you and her?''

You don't know what's worse, the question or the way she says it.

''W- why are you asking?'' You stutter.

''I made a question first, answer me.''

''She... she's just a friend, nothing more than that.''

''What kind of friends take pictures like these?'' She shows you two Polaroids. One was of you and Ellie kissing and the other was of you sleeping on her chest, both of you naked.

''Ok'' you sigh ''Actually she's my girlfriend, we're dating for eight months now. That's it.'' You say, looking away from your mother's eyes.

''What about that guy who you were always hanging out with?''

''Jesse? I tried to be with him, but after a few weeks I realized I don't like him. At least not the way I like her.''

She sighs ''Listen. I'm gonna sleep now and when I wake up I don't wanna see you here, ok?''

''Wait- what? Mom, please, don't do that!'' You say, but she ignored you and kept making her way out of your room.

''I refuse to share this house with someone like you.'' She takes a deep breath before keep talking "it's 11:47(pm), you have until tomorrow morning to leave.''

''But I have nowhere to go!''

''You should've thought about it before doing what you did.'' This is all you hear before she slams her door.

When you have a mind of somewhere to go, you rush into your room and start to pack up. It's not the best time of the night to walk alone to her place, but you don't have too many options left.

_______________________________________

Ellie was sleeping when she listened to something like a few knocks on the front door. She gets up and goes downstairs to see what is going on. Her eyes widen in surprise when she sees you.

''Hmm... hi.'

''Y/n? Fuck- come in, it's cold outside.'' Ellie says taking your hand to bring you inside. "What happened to make you come here?''

''My mom found our pictures in my room and kicked me out.'' You try to hold the tears back, but they insist on falling down your cheeks. ''Well, I think I'm homeless now."

''Oh, babe." Ellie pulls you in a hug ''Why you didn't tell me, hum? I would take the car to pick you up.''

''No way I would let you drive after telling that. I don't like it when you drive angry, it's too dangerous.'' You say laying your chin on top of Ellie's head.

''You go out at nearly 01:00 am is dangerous.'' Ellie chuckles hugging you tighter. ''Come on, let's take your things to my room.''

It took about an hour to tidy your clothes, shoes, and other things you could shove in your suitcases and backpack. When you two were almost done, a deep voice sounded from Ellie's door.

''Y/n?'' It was your father-in-law ''I thought you were coming here tomorrow.''

''Hi, Joel. Well, I planned to come here only tomorrow, but I argued with my mom, and she told me to leave.'' You explain sitting on Ellie's desk chair. ''It's ok if I stay here for a few weeks? Because I'll understand if you say no, it's totally fine.''

''Why would I say no?'' He gives you a slight smile.

''Soo, she can stay?'' Ellie asks.

''Of course. '' Joel says coming into the room, hugging and kissing the top of her head, doing the same to you next. ''I'm sorry for what happened. Well, good night to you two.'' He heads out and closes the door after you and your girlfriend answer.

''Have I ever said I love your dad?'' You say laying down on Ellie's bed. She lays by your side.

''More times than I'm able to count.'' She lays by your side. ''We're gonna keep organizing everything or just ignore it and sleep?''

''Sleep, of course. This was the most tiring night of my life, and you must be tired too.''

''I can't even disagree.'' Ellie gets up and turns off the lamp, now the only light in the room it's from the moon passing through the gaps of the curtains. She comes back to bed with you ''Are you okay?'' Ellie says caressing your cheek.

''Hum?''

''I mean, after everything. How are you feeling?''

''I'm not at my best, to be honest. But at least I'm with you, and that's the most important thing to me.'' You take her hand in yours and kiss it softly ''I love you.''

''I love you the most.'' ❤️

A/N: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY POSTED IT.

I'm sorry if reader explaining her situation more than once got a little repetitive since you already know what happened, I didn't know how to write it in another way.

#ellie williams x reader #ellie tlou #tlou fanfiction #tlou imagine #the last of us #ellie x reader

[helluva-dump]

At this point, the hazbin/helluva critical community has fallen flat. And when I say that, I mean that it lacks potential. Like, I thought we were criticizing about the characters and the show itself. I thought we were talking about it's issues and what Viv could approve on it. But now, these people are just targeting fans of Viv's show who are just going on about their day, taking screenshots of harmful posts and posting it on the critical blog just to shit on them. You can't even consider that "critical" now when you're just being an asshole. They wonder why Viv and her fans think the critics are so bad. On top of that, these people love to make assumptions about Viv harassing Gooseworx all because she's a "terrible person" like please stfu. "She probably did this" and they don't even have any proof. Maybe consider that Viv actually enjoys tadc and it's success? What is all of this "viv is mad because the amazing digital circus is more successful than her shitty shows"? I dunno, man. That critical community is just so fucking dumb and stupid. They're not even talking about the shows anymore. They just bitch and fuss about everything.

For real, I had never seen such a critical community this much of a train wreck as the fandom is.

I mean hell, I engaged with the SVTFOE community before (and that show has the EXACT same problems as Helluva boss) and the critical blogs were very chill.

I feel like what didn’t help is how immature and unprofessional Vivziepop acts publicly. But at the same time…. I can’t really blame her for getting defensive when these antis dogpile her on everything.

And yes, the screenshots making fun of harmless posts of fans were red flags to me. Like dude, we have rabid fans and Stans do that to us, why the hell are you stopping to their level??? (I’m not gonna include the voodoo controversy because that to me needed to be talked about. A lot of POC fans and criticals had every right to discuss that and Viv should had given an apology or explanation over that. With closed religions that always got stereotypes due to colonizers, you need to be careful when writing about them. )

Oh God don’t get me started on the whole Vivziepop and Gooseworks relationship assumptions… that actually annoyed me too and I’m sure there’s no bad blood with them. I get she had bad blood with Tracey and possibly Ashley, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume she’s like this with every indie creator.

Honestly, its both of their fandoms that are acting unhinged. But I even seen hardcore fans of Viv like Dani praising TADC and Gooseworks, so I doubt the whole fandom are planning to sabotage them. TADC isn’t a rain full of sunshine either, they too have so much bad apples there.

Also my big issue with this community I’ve noted some critical blogs that claim they wanna make an original series (well one already made a webcomic) but they NEVER stop bitching about Viv and go on and on how they never do this to their project… unmmm dude? If you constantly compare your project to Viv’s, your gonna lose your audience this way. This can make you come off as an a logger and a very petty person to others. Trust me, this is NOT going to make people want to be interested in your original projects.

It’s also very unprofessional to do this publicly. I get looking at bad writing motivates you how to not to things… but the constant comparing is going to make you look like a very petty person to your outside audience. And they feel like your project won’t have agency on its own without being “better than Helluva/Hazbin.” I say this because I too am working on an indie project I want to make to a webcomic. And I REALLY don’t wanna ruin my reputation that way.

That’s what Zeartist did when he made his shitty ass books and would constantly hitch and whine about twilight on his life journals. And he would always bring up his original series and how it’s “better” and how he wouldn’t write such garbage like Stephanie Meyer.

And guess what???? His books are just twilight 2.0 but even worse 😂😂😂 he ended up doing the exact same thing stephanie did, bitches out over criticism, and yeah a huge hypocritical asshat.

That’s why constantly comparing your project to another person’s to seen as better is NOT a smart idea. Please have some self awareness there if your actually planning to make a webcomic or an original series.

Also… I’ve noticed people that have beautiful startled would waste it on blind hatred. Like that “I HAtE VIVZIEPOP” blog. Like godamn, their art is beautiful but they had an unhealthy hate obsession with Viv… why waste your energy on that when you can make something better?

I’m not talking about rewrites, AUs, or redesigns because to me those are like fanfics and for fun. The stuff I do is mainly just for fanfic fun and a writing/world building exercise for me. But also a little bit of self indulgence since I sitll admire Viv’s characters. You can enjoy something without giving your support to the actual creator. I’m trying to show my support to the team behind it.

(I’m even planning to buy fan merch from one of the clean up artists on their shop. To me it’s the ethical way of getting Hazbin/Helluva merch without directly giving it to Viv but to her artists instead. )

#helluva boss critical #Hazbin hotel critical #have some self awareness yall #anon ask #ask

[sturnwritess]

Heart-ache

pairing:

warnings: Drinking, angst, depression, !self-harm!, !!!attempted su!c!de!!!, !!!PILLS!!!, mentions of sex, su!c!de letters, panic attack, anxiety!

READ THE WARNINGS BEFORE YOU START!!!!!

______________________________________________________________

Tonight was just like another night in LA, but Matt seemed a little off. "hey matt I'm gonna go to the market, I probably won't be back for another hour or so." you say. "oh ok i'll see you later." he says nonchalantly, "ok baby, love you." you say as you leave the room.

As you were driving to the market, you remembered Matt didn't say "I love you" back. That was 20 minutes ago, as you were driving you realized you left your wallet at home. As you drove back you realized there was a lot of commotion upstairs. You left your wallet in matts room, as you went up the stairs hearing grunts. You just thought Matt was in pain, so you felt sorry but once you walked into the room you almost died.

Matt was buried deep inside of another girl. Matt heard his door creak open, he looked towards his door to see you standing there. The other girl noticed and screamed "GET OUT!" you looked towards matt and felt tears rolling down your face, you slammed his door shut and ran down the stairs. You've never cried over matt, and it squeezed your heart at the thought.

You slammed the front door closed and ran down the driveway to your car, you got in your car and started speeding down the street not caring if you got into a car crash. You sped through every yellow light with you screaming into sobs, as you got home you went to your room and saw your depression pills.

You grabbed your pills and went downstairs to find a bottle of tequila, you set them aside together and started ripping pages out of the journal matt got you for your anxiety. As you were writing letters to all the people you loved apologizing to them about being selfish and killing yourself.

Even matt got a letter, and you even apologized to matt. As you went toward the pills and tequila, you grabbed them and sat down against the fridge. As you downed the whole bottle of pills and chased them with tequila, you set them aside and grabbed the letters and left them in your hand as your mind went dark.

Your roommate had gotten home and saw your body on the ground, foam coming out of your mouth. She called an ambulance with sobs coming out, the ambulance finally had gotten there and had got you to the hospital.

Matts pov:

As I regretted everything that happened, I got a call from an unknown ID. I picked up and heard a woman from the other side of the phone, "Hello is this Matthew Sturniolo?" "yes, this is Matthew." I replied, "this is Debbie from Shawn Memorial Hospital, this regards y/n/ y/l/n." "is she okay?" I asked. "No sir, she had an attempted suicide." she says while sighing.

My heart starts picking up and I can't breathe, "sir, are you there?" "i-im on my way." I say while hanging up. My hand grips my wheel tightly, while I'm running every red light. I finally made it to the hospital, I went up to the front desked and asked for her.

As the nurse led me to her room, I finally stumbled upon it to see her pale skin and the IV needle stuck into her arm. Tears dwelled my eyes and i could sob knowing this was my fault.

___________________________________________________________

3 hours later

As I opened my eyes, I saw a figure in the corner of my eye, I wondered why or how I was still alive. As I turned my head to see the blurry figure, my heart dropped seeing matt asleep on the chair. He seemed to notice I was awake and saw the reaction on my face, "hey y/n" he sighs "what the actual hell are you doing here matt."

I say with a harsh tone. "I know I'm not the person you want here right now, but you almost died and I couldn't help but be here." "matt you stopped caring about me once you cheated on me." you say.

"Y/n, that's not true." you look at him "if you cared about me, you wouldn't have put me in this place, get out of here." you say with no emotion. You saw how matts eyes filled with tears, "you cannot cry matt, this was your fault and your fault only." you say as your words dripping with venom.

Matt got up to leave and glanced at you one more time before he left, you sat in your bed crying. Sob after sob you decided to rest.

3 days later

I finally got cleared, I get to go home. My roommate drove us back to the apartment, as I got home i hugged her and ran up the stairs to my room. I turned on my tv to play spotify and rest, and my bed has never felt better.

Except the fact that my bed smelled like Matt and that made my heart clench, as i started to close my eyes my doorbell rang. I assumed my roommate got it, i heard her footsteps rummage up the stairs. She held a box in her arms with a label "y/n", I could tell it was everything from Matt.

She told me Matt was waiting for his hoodie back, the one his mom gave him. I got up and grabbed the hoodie from my dresser and started going downstairs, she grabbed my arm "are you sure you don't want to me to give it to him?" i nod and proceeded running down the stairs.

As i went to the front door Matt was standing there waiting and expecting my roommate, he looked baffled when i was the one to open the door. He saw the effect on me, and it made his brows furrow.

I held out his hoodie and gave it to him, "here you go matt." i say. "Are you sure you don't want to keep it?" he says. "I don't want anything of yours matt, not anymore at least."

I throw his hoodie into his arms and cut him off by slamming the door to his face. You sob into your arms sliding down the door, I finally had gotten up from the floor and went to the bathroom to find a blade.

You grabbed the blade from the double-sided mirror and pressed it against your arm with pressure, as you picked the blade up from your skin you saw the blood dripping down your arms as you felt relieved. A cut after a cut felt amazing, as you got some paper towels to clean up the blood, you exited the bathroom and headed back upstairs to your room.

As you got to your room, you picked up your phone and went on to Instagram. After you scrolled, you got burning sensations from your arm, you paid no attention to the pain and went to messages. You saw matts contact and deleted his number along with every picture of him.

As you let out relentless sobs to your pillow, she finally had cried herself to sleep. As she woke up 4 hours later, she went onto youtube to look at what matt had posted. She saw that in their new vlog matt seemed depressed, you couldn't blame him and you wish you could kiss his pain away, but you remembered this all was his fault.

You exited out of youtube and fell asleep again, you woke up again but realized the time was 4:36 PM, you paid no attention to that and fell back to sleep. You had finally woken up at 12:52 AM, you had decided to stop being lazy and hop into your bathtub.

You ran hot water into the tub and took your clothes off, you got inside of the bathtub and felt the sting toward your cuts. You picked up the shampoo bottle and put shampoo on your palm and ran it through your hair, the feeling of clean hair was amazing.

As you got done taking the bath you hopped into your bed, you almost fell asleep before you woke up out of your sleepy state. You got up and walked towards your dresser to put on your grey sweats and a black oversized hoodie.

You put your hair into a braid and got back into bed, you went scrolling on your phone and got a text from Chris.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

chris: hey i heard what happened with matt, and I'm sorry i hope you feel better.

you: thanks chris, and i will. read 1:14 am

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw that he left me on read, I didn't even care anymore. It's like i had no more emotion left in my body, Matt was the only person who I could be happy around. Thats never going to happen again, but I didn't care.

I wish that I wouldn't have forgotten my wallet that night, or maybe i wished the fact that matt never cheated on me. I hate him after everything, but at one point in time i loved him so much more than my heart was capable of loving.

I wished the best for matt, i still do and will forever. He deserves happiness and i couldn't provide that for him, i won't be happy again but i pray that he finds his soul mate. I loved matt and i forever will.

the end

______________________________________________________________

horrible angst but matt won the poll so here yall go, i love yall soso much and i wrote this with NO sleep at all

================================================

@sturnioloshacker@sturniolosluvv@sturniolosstar@strawberrysturniolo@chrisslut25@chrissturnlover@chrisloyalgf@chrissolosa@matts-k1tten@mattestrella@sturniol0s@nicksnosering@matthewsturniolowife@christophersturniolo@asturniolos@nathandoe@sturnproductions@mattsgirlie@mattsmunch@mattsnymphette@nicolassturniolos@matthewsturniolo@mattthemuncher@mattitties@loveesiren

#Spotify #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #matt x reader #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo x you #sturniolo triplets #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #ansgt #fluff #sobbing #nicholas sturniolo #christoper sturniolo #matt smut #chris x reader #chris smut #lol #lolz

[punsmaster69]

3/DEC/20XX

"I've always said that filling a glass to the brim is the most efficient method..."

flowey turned to me with the most shit-eating grin i think i've seen from him yet.

"But wow. I mean, really, 𝘞𝘖𝘞.

You reeaally took that to heart."

"soul, technically."

"Whatever. Point is, you've messed yourself up baadd."

"You can barely 𝘀𝗲𝗲!"

"noticed that. not why we're here though, petals."

"I- PETALS?!"

"Do NOT call me that!"

i considered saying something like, "ok, whatever you say, petals." but didn't.

flowey's not gonna actually help me if i piss him off too bad.

well.

helping is what i 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 him to do...

instead he's taken the opportunity to get out all the snide remarks he's got about my whole overflow thing going on.

pretty sure he's been biting these back real hard while the others were around.

——

he's still going.

what a butthead.

hm.

know he likes...

dinosaurs.

dragons.

video games.

'specially that one character. a dino of some kind.

the color green.

drawing. (with frisk, usually.)

puzzles.

candy. loves candy.

loves anything sweet, really.

ok. any of those sound like gift ideas?

whatever. guess i'll figure it out later.

...

wow, he's still talking.

"......."

nevermind, he stopped.

"Why do you keep looking at me, then at the page?"

"Are you really writing ALL of this down?"

"nah."

"What ARE you writing, then?"

"just random thoughts."

"Ew. Nevermind. I don't wanna hear about whatever goes on in that probably-hollow skull of yours."

"k."

"got any ideas for frisk's, yet?"

flowey's face tells me he's forgotten that's why he was here to begin with.

"........."

and his silence tells me that he really doesn't have any.

"...ok."

"let's come back to this."

"got ideas for tori?"

"NO."

"what? can't get her gifts now?"

"You're gonna be all gross about it!"

"gross?"

"Romatical!"

"...romantic..al?"

"That's the word."

"romantic?"

"no 'a', no 'l'."

"You get what I mean!"

"not gonna be, 'romantical' about it."

"pure-intentioned holiday gifts."

"𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘺?"

"not sure what to call it anymore."

"Obviously-"

"Obviously..."

his face shifted as he thought about it.

"...Christmas."

"or gyftmas?"

"Have you just been calling it 'holiday' this whole time?"

"been switching between the three."

"so, no ideas?"

"........."

"ok. welp. since you've apparently only agreed to come here so you could berate me.."

"i'm kicking you out."

"....."

"Fine! Good! I don't wanna be in your terrible room anymore."

so i carried him to papyrus' room.

paps looked up from his book.

"HELLO SANS! AND HELLO, FLOWERY."

"Howdy."

with having set flowey on the end of paps' bed, that kid's decidedly no longer my problem.

"bug him for a while. i'm outta here."

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"back to bed."

"What??"

"gonna write the rest of the journal first, but yep."

"What time is it?"

"IT'S ABOUT NINE, I BELIEVE."

"...I spent three hours talking to YOU?!"

"OH! I SUPPOSE YOU SHOULD BE GETTING HOME, FLOWERY."

he closed his book and hopped up.

"AWAY WE GO!"

flowey was being carried out the door before he could even start to say anything about it.

——

still blank on the present-idea front, but there's plenty of december left to think it over.

maybe i'll ask tori about frisk's.

#undertale #journal #sans #flowey #papyrus #sans and flowey

[worksby-gabriella]

Ours

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Reader

Summary: The jury's out, but Y/N's choice is Eddie.

No specified gender for reader

A/N: I don't really love this, as I've said before. I'm goinna label it as a drabble but I'm probably gonna add more to it at some point soon when I actually KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING WRITE. 😄😭

Inspired by: Ours by Taylor Swift

Nancy is rambling on and on about something for the school paper in the journalism room, I wish I could listen and focus but instead I’m soaking up the stale morning air in the room. I spent the night with Eddie and I feel like that’s enough of an explanation on its own.  

  I’m reminiscing about last night’s venereal events when I’m snapped out of my haze by Nancy and Fred snapping their fingers at me, “Helloooo, earth to Y/N.”  

 I hear Nancy’s annoyed voice ring throughout the room, the silence is deafening.  

 I whip my eyes to hers as Fred joins into the conversation, “You were with the freak last night, weren’t you?”  

 His eyes look at me accusingly but I get defensive and ignore what he asked me, “Hey! Don’t call him that.”  

 I glance down at the typewriter I was working at, when I hear Nancy tsking and see her shaking her head slightly out of my peripheral vision.

 “What Nancy?” My voice comes out irritated because I know what she's getting at.  

 “I told you he’s a bad influence.”  She says in a mocking sing songy, I told you so tone.

 “I- What? N-” I start but Fred interrupts me.  

 “She’s got a point, you came in late today, you don't pay attention, you skip 4th period, and by the way we can see the hickey on your neck.”  

 I self-consciously tug up the neckline of my sweater, “That's not true, he just brings out a more contumacious side of me.”  

 “That's literally the definition of being a bad influence, Y/N.”  

 “Ugh. Not it’s not, he makes me more outgoing, I feel excited and giddy around him. Plus, I love him.” I stick out my tongue at my two friends and they lay off a bit, laughing at my childish antics.  

 Speaking of Eddie, I start to feel a sense of longing for him in this very moment. Ever since I’ve met him, I feel this constant sense of boredom when he's not around. He makes me feel alive and exhilarated. If he were here right now, we’d be laughing our asses off at everyone’s too serious expressions.  

 I feel myself smiling like an idiot at my thoughts, and glance up at the clock eager to see Eddie once again.  

 “Alright everyone, it’s 10:30! Time to wrap it up! For the long of God please make sure all your pieces have been written by tomorrow or principal Higgens will have my ass!” I yell out to everyone as they start packing up their stuff and heading out the door.  

 I’m one of the first to leave and as soon I exit the doors a pair of hands wraps around my waist, spinning me towards them. I come face to face with a smiley Eddie. My lips immediately separate and form a wide toothy grin. He pulls me closer as I laugh. Our noses are touching and he whispers, “There’s my little writer.” against my lips before giving me a quick peck on the lips.

 He pulls away as I say, “Well hello to you too, Mr. Munson.”  

 We start to walk down the Hall as he wraps a protective arm around my shoulder.

 “You know, sweetheart, I’m actually kind of digging this whole sexy teacher thing you have going on.”  

 “What do mean?” There’s a humorous tone in my voice.  

 “I was watching you through the window on the door. You’re all walking around revising people’s work, directing them, dismissing them.”  

 “You're crazy, Munson.”  

 “Only about you, Y/N, only about you. Almost makes me want to join the school paper.”

 I’m laughing and Eddie is watching me with a content smile. I notice people are watching me and him walk together. It’s not unusual for this to occur, when people found out about me and Eddie, they were nothing short of shocked. Hawkins High had an idea of me, an idea that couldn't be any more different than the idea they had of Eddie.  

 Their idea of me is very clean. I’m a good student, I get good grades, I abide by the rules, I’m innocent in every way possible, I’m soft, a people pleaser if you will. I’m nothing more than good. Their idea of Eddie is extremely tainted. He’s not the brightest, he’s a rule breaker, he’s a stoner, he’s rough, he simply didn’t care. Where they right? Perhaps they were but that doesn't mean someone like me can’t love Eddie, and that Eddie is crazy in every way. You know what they say, opposites attract.

 “They're staring again.”  

 “Hm, I guess they are.”  

 I hide my face in the crook of his arm not liking the attention.  

 “Well then let’s give them something to watch.” There’s a mischievous glint in his eye.  

 “Eddie-” 

  He cuts me off, kissing me once again, his lips move in sync with mine, and I can feel the tips of his tongue start to nudge my lip, asking for permission to enter my mouth. His hand moves down my shoulder to my waist, pulling me closer as we stop walking all together. I hear movement stop in the hallway and the nose level gets slightly more hushed. His hand travels back up my back and into the hair at the back of my head, twisting in my hair. One of my hands is grasping his bicep for leverage as the other holds my notebook. I let out a whimper, only quiet enough for to Eddie hear.  

 Before Eddie this wasn’t my thing, PDA that is, but since him, all I want is for him to act on his desires at any moment. It makes me giddy when I think about him wanting others to know about us, he wants poeple to know I'm his and he's mine. I think it's sweet, and like, insanely hot.

 He finally pulls away, leaving me to hope we’ll resume this rendezvous later, in private. His lips are ever so slightly smudge with my pink lip-gloss and I can just feel how swollen my lips are, “What were you saying?” He asks me, smugly.  

 I shake my head, moving his hand back to my shoulder, “real smooth, love.”  

 People carry on with their judgmental looks and Eddie knows it’s making me conscious because he tips my head up with his free hand, “Hey sweetheart, people only care so much because they love to be envious when others are happy. Or at least I hope your happy.”  

 He adds that last part to lighten the mood.

 “of course, you make me happy.”  

 He gives me a warm smile as I continue on, “People love to throw rocks at things that shine.”  

 “Exactly. And don’t you worry your pretty little mind because we are carrying on that little stunt later.” He winks at me pulling away, and slyly slaps my ass as we arrive at my next class.  

#eddie munson/reader #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie x reader #eddie stranger things #stranger things x reader #stranger things smut #stranger things moodboard #stranger things #fluff #steve harrington #mike wheeler #dustin henderson #max mayfield #eleven #chief hopper #taylor lyrics #joyce byers #johnathan byers #argyle #lucas sinclair #erica sinclair

[futureplayboibunnie]

‘Jealousy’

Dr Strange x fem! reader!

I LOVE THIS ONE but its super long <3

SMUT 18+

‘’Where the fuck is it?’’ You groaned into the air surrounding your room, the reality of your diary going missing hitting you like a speeding truck at a red light. You weren't even out of your dress yet.

Your mind was running rampant with the sly idea of someone in the Compound taking it and scanning over your inner most thoughts dwelling in the deep dark lagoonless cave of your mind. You left it at the Compound a few weeks ago but you specifically remembered bringing it home to your apartment. But there was no sign of it anywhere. As you toppled over your cabinets and drawers, you attempted to soothe your nerves with the idea that you had just misplaced it somewhere around here and it made you look at the clock. It was 1:43 am. You had been rummaging around for two hours. Life was starting to blur into something pointless. You accepted your fate with a sigh, the fact that you couldn't journal tonight made you uneasy. You just had so much to say, tonight was so... eventful.

—

Believe it or not, you were actually excited for this night. Stark always threw the most extravagant of parties and now you were regretting it all. Shame and embarrassment was brewing on your face, the red flushing against your cheeks illiciting a cold sweat appear upon your brow.

Everyone was gathering and conversing aand it only added to your nerves. Stephen Strange had absolutely nothing to do with it. At all. Your toes curled into your heels as you glanced at Stephen, it was impossible not to rip your eyes away from him as he was literally standing across from you. He was intensely handsome and was oozing with sex appeal.

However, you couldn't really look at him the same as you accidentally overheard something that you shouldn't have. It was Stephen on the phone- on the phone with a woman. He had scurried away from the party as if no one would ever notice if he was gone- you always noticed.

‘’I just want to see you right now, but I can't. I'm stuck at am Stark party.’’ He huffed against his phone. You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at his disheartening response. Stephen wanted to leave? Leave you? You heard the woman giggle across the line and it made a certain sort of jealousy bubble inside of your gut. You couldn't hear what she said in response though.

‘’You gonna fuck yourself and pretend it's me?’’ Stephen rasped huskily against the phone and it made you scramble to stop listening and go back downstairs. You were blushing like a flustered idiot; you hated admitting that you were jealous of whatever young, bouncy, brainless woman he was fucking next- you were everything that they didn't have.

As you made your way down the hall, carrying your blush with you, your body was met with Sam's broad torso and your nerves were anything but pacified- this was it, you were caught in the act.

‘’Y/N? What are you doing up here?’’ Sam questioned.

‘’Oh, nothing...Just went to the bathroom.’’ You gave him a sweet, awkward smile hoping he wouldn't interrogate you and would let you off the hook instead.

‘’Oh, so you weren't chasing Strange down?’’ It was obvious he saw right through you and your instant psyche mechanism was to be defensive.

‘’What? Hell no. I just needed a piss Sam. Are you seriously questioning my piss right now?’’ You laughed condescendingly.

‘’No I'm questioning how much 'you want Stephen to defile you' but I don't know I think I might just be pulling that out of my ass.’’ Sam chuckled at you knowingly as he took his laugh with him as he walkedaway from you. What the fuck? He knew your secret. Fuck this.

‘’What?’’

‘’I'm actually kind of jealous of him, the guy gets so much pussy. I wonder how he does it.’’ His voice trailed off as he finally left your view.

He just had to rub salt into the wound

What made you worry was you remember writing something extremely similar in your diary about Stephen defiling you. Wait. Has Sam read your diary?

No. Impossible. No one has seen your diary, no one has read your dirty and dark desires which mostly included Stephen. You were just reading into things and being paranoid.

No one knows anything. Everything is fine.

—

Your paranoia was poisoning you. You couldn't find it anywhere and now all your thoughts were on Stephen. Just him and your impossible jealousy for the women that have had the luxury of being bedded by him. You still haven't made it out of your dress and it was making you increasingly uncomfortable.

You grovelled to your bathroom to get ready for bed and put this ugly night behind you. You winced at the sight of yourself in the mirror. You thought your mind was playing a sick trick on you when you felt a shadow to the right of you, you glanced up again into the reflection and jumped when you saw Stephen behind you; stood with a crooked smile on his face. You jumped and gasped as you registered the fact that he was here.

He was right here. In your house. In your fucking bathroom. You whipped yourself around to fully face him, you regained your usual cynical defensive composure.

‘’You're so...jumpy.’’He remarked and it made you all the more self conscious. He was still in his tux.

‘’What's your issue? What are you doing here?’’ You responded, too tired by your jealousy.

‘’What, so I can't see you?’’

‘’I just don't appreciate you portalling into my shitter.’’ You smiled sarcastically. ‘’And besides, don't you have another bimbo you need to fuck?’’ You walked out of the bathroom and Stephen couldn't help but follow you like a lost puppy.

‘’No I've actually spent most of my nights reading this.’’ You turned around and you observed that he was holding up your fucking diary.

Your whole world was tipping on its side.

‘’Sam stole it for me. He was also on the phone with me tonight as one of my said ‘bimbos.’’’ He explained with a stupid cocky smirk on his face. It was a fucking ploy?

‘’What are you guys, 12!? Give it back now!’’ You tumbled your way to him and tried prying it from his skilled marred hands, but he was edging it away from you as a means of torturing you. As if you needed any more of that. Stephen thought you were adorable.

‘’Relax, you're fine.’’ He said way too casually as if he hasn't read your innermost thoughts.

‘’You know what, I give up. Fuck it and fuck you.’’ You raised your hands up as a means of surrender, your seething tongue piercing through the shame and embarrassment. You sat yourself at the edge of your bed and crossed your arms and legs in a huff, your whole body was tense.

‘’I want Stephen to fuck and ruin me into a different dimension, I don't like wanting someone this bad but he just makes me lose my mind. I hate him though, hate the way all he notices are one trick fucks. I think that's my favourite.’’ He bit his lip and stared right at you reading it and you have never felt so seen, his gaze darked with every utterance.

Stephen had been obsessing over you for a while now, it didn't take him long to understand how jealous you get. Quite frankly it was all thanks to Sam doing the morally devious thing of stealing your diary. But Stephen couldn't help himself, he wanted you to make the first move so that he knew fully that you wanted him back. Stephen was rarely ever nervous when it came to women but you. God, you were his dream. All those other women were to fill the void of you, he pretended that it was you he was fucking but it was all just in his head. He saw you through all of them. You were becoming difficult to supress and extremely hard to read, he just had to make sure is all.

‘’You don't own the name Stephen. Maybe I was talking about another Stephen. Preferably a Stephen who doesn't fuck half the women he sees.’’ Your smile was venomous, you rolled your eyes at him as he made his way over to you.

‘’You are really specific in what you want, aren't you?’ He stared down at you and you felt very challenged under his gaze. You were entirely pissed off. His ego was soaring.

'’And I think you're compensating for something.'’ Your eyes darted to his dick and that made his face harden.

‘’Why is it always you that has to be in denial?’’ It wasn't really a question or a statement and it made confusion plague your features.

Stephen leaned down and pressed his lips to yours as he softly cradled your chin. The action made you shake at the sheer reality of it all, as he pulled himself away to make sure all of this was okay, he gazed into your stunning eyes and found that they were wild and brazen, and also quite surprised. He didn't understand why, he thought he made it excessively clear. The only way to tease it out of you was to make you jealous.

‘’Do it again.’’ You breathed against his lips sensually and he did exactly what you said. Stephen kissed you again, but you were against his lips harder. Opening your mouth to allow his tongue to taste at you, Stephen thought you were immensely sweet. You pulled him in by his tie to get his body heat closer to yours.

You yanked him as you layed down on the bed so he could position himself ontop of you. He shook his blazer off as your hands tugged at his hair. Beautiful bastard. Your mouths were glued together, the scratch of his beard only added to the sensation. You moaned as your tongues intertwined and were perpetually locked in an endless battle.

‘’May I?’’ He asked after ripping his lips away from yours, his fingers toyed with the straps of your dress. Stephen's politeness was another form of torture for you: you just wanted him to destroy you.

‘’Get me naked Stephen. Please.’’ You whispered against his lips and he had never heard anything as erotic as that. His lips tugged into a seductive smile.

He peeled it off you instantly, skin bare and soft and eyes impossibly wide in anticipation. Your tits were drawing his attention first, he paused before he could sink his teeth into them.

Stephen just gawked at you, dumbfouded by the reality of how someone could be that effortlessly beautiful, smart and funny. It was driving him mad.

‘’What?’’ You giggled bashfully as you began undoing his buttons on his dress shirt before ultimately discarding of it on your bedroom floor.

‘’I know you want me to fuck and ruin you into another dimension but...’’ Stephen cut himself off as you began suckling and biting at his neck and ruffling his hair with your hands.

'I want to savour every bit of you, I don't care how long it takes.' Stephen confessed breathlessly and it made you halt in your tracks and blink up at him in his lust clouded eyes.

You guided his hands to toy with the thin string of your underwear and it made Stephen's eyes widen.

‘’Feel how much I want you, feel how wet I am for you. Take whatever you want from me, stretch it out for me. Please.’’ Your kiss was intoxicating and as honeyed as your voice. His fingers ripped away at your panties before he shimmied them down your legs and kicked his pants off.

‘’You're such a good girl. My good girl.’’ Stephen pushed his hard aching cock into you at such an impossible depth. You were so tight it was like you were vacuum sealed to his dick. The use of the pet name made you screw your eyes shut in pure pleasure.

As he began setting a slow yet deep rhythm, his fingers were playing with your already swollen clit. It was all so stimulating- his hands and teeth were taking turns on your tits and it made you throw your head back in pleasure. Your body melted into his perfectly as your back arched off the bed and into him.

‘’Mine. You're mine. Understand?’’ Stephen growled, his eyes locked onto yours as he was making such slow, deep and intimate love to you. Sex has never felt this personal and hot before and it was all his fault and doing.

"Yours.’’ You sighed as he kissed at your neck tenderly. He kept repeating his ministrations were becoming impossible to bear. You felt like you were about to explode.

You found your undoing at that. Being his? Fucking hell. You came hard onto him as his fingers intertwined with your and he held them firmly. Eyes gazing desperately into eyes, he let himself lose it at how you bore your entire soul through them.

That silence when he was just holding you was his favourite part. Stephen finally felt the warmth of you in his arms, tracing little shapes on the soft suppleness of your skin.

Everything just felt so personal tonight, you let him in and he wanted to stay there until he had nothing left to lose but you.

——

wait now that i’m re-reading its hella short fml

#dr stephen strange #dr strange angst #dr strange fluff #dr strange x fem!reader #dr strange x y/n #stephen strange smut #dr strange smut #stephen strange

[roosterbruiser]

giving a life update bc it makes me feel better about myself feat. another face reveal

I think I'm gonna treat this like a sort of journal entry and include some cute pictures so this doesn't feel like an absolute dump :-)

so to begin here's a picture of my nephew (yes it's a dog)

I am so excited for all my upcoming projects. right now, my focus is on finishing CS all the way. after I finish CS, I think I'm gonna go ahead and come out w HOT TO GO! (BRB x Reader) and then start regularly posting VV and SS again. I think I have my October schedule pinned down (like everything that's coming out) and that is so exciting! I can't wait to share w y'all!

I'm a working girl now!! I nanny 4 days a week!! it's lovely!! just one baby who's only 1!! and the parents work from home so I never have to stay late or anything!! it has been a bit of a challenge getting used to the schedule (but I thrive with schedules!) so that's why I've been a bit absent on here!!

still trying to get my house set up....living room has come a loooooong way, but my bedroom is suffering! hoping to work on it here and there! but my main priority is getting back into my regularly scheduled writing!! the living room def isn't completely done (have to finish my gallery walls!) and I wish the walls weren't white, but we're renting so! I do what I must!

plus being back in the area I'm in now means I'm by my friends again so I've been Going Out And Socializing which is crazy!!! here's some pictures of me at a local brewery wearing the bolo necklace I got with @ohgodnotagainn in Colorado!!!

in all complete and utter seriousness, whenever I was coming out with a new chapter for my three stories every single week (and updating Landslide like every two days!) I was at my lowest point. I was like one nasty thought away from having a grippy sock vacation and holding onto anything that eased my Darkness--which was absolutely writing and sharing on here with everyone!

here's a pic of me when I was at one of my lowest points. I was in Chicago in the dead of winter with people I didn't know very well (it was still fun!) and had never felt more lost in my life. it also exactly coincided with my stories getting popular on here after my 200 follower celebration. like, I remember being on the train and checking my Tumblr every hour and always having 100+ notifications. I'll never forget how mind-boggling it was!! I went from 200 followers in early January to 2.8k now in late September. and I love you all SO much!!!

I'd like to think I look much happier now :-)

I kind of have a bf now and I'm sooooo embarrassed ab it. like. who breaks up with the person they thought they were gonna marry, gets back with their ex, and just stays w them??? me, I guess! no but I am actually happy. we're going to see CHAPPELL MF ROAN'S ALBUM RELEASE tomorrow and he's gonna wear a silk scarf and trim his mustache. I'm in love. like, actually in love. Alice Hoffman says, "Fall in love whenever you can." so I did!

the closest I'll give to a face reveal.....

anyway. I'm happy. the only thing I wanna work on right now is my health (simply MUST get into the hot girl mindset) and my writing!! everything else is gravy, baby!!

gonna try to answer asks / mentions / dm's this weekend!

#life shmife #life update #face reveal part three #update #my works #my wirting #my life

[zuleyhasposts]

Stand By Your Man (Negan/Reader)

Chapter Twelve - Who's She?

ou were in your room, writing on the new journal you brought with the points you gained. Every time you hesitated from writing your days, your thoughts or whatever you wanted to say, but this time you decided to change it.

At the beginning you looked at the blank page, unsure about what you could write. The idea of writing about Negan didn’t seem so bad, but you still felt sore about everything that happened.

When you finally let the pen touch the page, a loud bang came from your door. It was so hard and loud that it made you jump from the chair.

You could hear Negan’s voice yelling from the other side of the door. “Open this fucking door.”

You froze in the moment, wondering why he became this angry, until you remembered what you told Simon.

“So he told him.” you thought.

You waited a bit before actually opening the door, you didn’t want to look scared only because he was yelling and banging. You could see his face furious at you, making you understand that you really fucked up this time.

“What in the fucking hell are you fucking doing to not open this fucking door?” He almost screamed at you.

You pulled him inside your room by the sleeve of his leather jacket. “Do you think it’s normal to yell like that and to catch everybody’s attention?”

“I don’t fucking care about what others think.”

There were only you and him in the room now and you could feel the tension building up. You had to expect this moment to come, especially after touching one of Negan’s weak spots: respect. You both created at the beginning a friendship based on that and now you wanted to destroy it by using the same card.

You put your hands on your hips, walking around the room and looking at him in his eyes only sometimes. “What do you want?”

“I know what bullshit you told Simon this morning, I want to see if you still have your beach ball sized lady nuts and say it directly on my face.”

He was using his sarcasm to humiliate you, to put you in your place. It was a behavior you saw already, but never on you.

You laughed at him, making his expression angrier. “Did you really think I wanted to see you after what you have done to me? If you want me to repeat my same exact words from this morning, I’ll satisfy you: I’m not fucking interested in seeing you.”

He leaned closer, this time being face to face with you. “Do you think you’re gonna win this fucking game?”

You could feel his breath on your face, the same sensation a prey felt when it was about to get eaten alive by its predator. This time, again, you took your time to answer.

“No, Negan, I don’t think I’m gonna win because there’s no fucking game. I won’t play with you, I don’t want to see you again. So, have fun with yourself or your wives because I’m fucking out.”

There was only one thing for sure: Negan would have never hurt you and you both knew this. An episode like this one would have meant certain death for someone, but not for you. He could have said and done so many things, but he did none of them. Instead, he looked at you one last time before leaving you alone.

You started to pant again when the door shut down, feeling all of the adrenaline leaving your body. You fell on your knees, supporting yourself with your arms. Right now, even the idea of your head being smashed with Lucille was less terrifying of Negan’s silence. You didn’t know what to expect from now, but you couldn’t deny you were scared. Tears found their ways again on your face.

────────────────────

Negan didn’t care if everybody was staring at him in the corridor. It wasn’t surprising that they had a concerned look on their face, his yelling echoed in these walls. His mind couldn’t stop replaying the discussion you both had moments ago, he couldn’t stop thinking about the pain he caused you right now. As to make things even worse, the memories of all the discussions he had with Lucille started to appear in his eyes. He felt he was about to blow up at any moment.

He slammed the door when he came back to his room, Simon still sitting on the couch, as if he was waiting for him. When he looked up to him, he stood up because he understood that staying was the worst decision he could take.

“What did she say?” He asked before leaving Negan.

“She said that she doesn’t want to see me again.”

Simon sighed, not expecting the situation to escalate this bad. “I’ll let you know every time if something happens to her, until the situation doesn’t get fixed.”

He patted his shoulder before leaving Negan alone in his room too. His hands were in his hair, looking how everything was slipping from his grip. He looked at Lucille, wondering if that was her punishment for all the suffering he put her into. After so long, Negan felt lost once again.

────────────────────

You really tried your best to not let your mental health be so much influenced by what happened, but you couldn’t. The strength you had before all of this - before the Apocalypse - was disappearing from your tired body. You were falling into the same dark spiral you had to fight when you started to lose everything. You thought it was a matter of time before you became all alone and on your own again.

You started to isolate yourself to the point that you wanted to eat in your room, being in complete silence with your thoughts. No matter how much Simon tried to hype you up or make you talk about it, he failed every single time.

Every job you made, every guard turning you made, every reunion you did, was done with your expression lost in the void. You avoided every eye contact, every word, everything from everyone. Someone that couldn’t stop bothering you was the creepy guy named Edward. It got to an extreme point where you literally shouted him to fuck off. He kind of did, even if he still tried to be closer to you.

You did a great job by ignoring Negan in these past few days, like he never existed before; even if the tears in your room said otherwise.

Negan’s behavior became even worse than before. Alexandria was the main victim from his anger and delusion. He spent the majority of the time, only letting Simon in and telling him how you were doing. The hatred he had for himself grew every time that Simon told him you were doing worse than the day before. But still, nothing changed from the last time.

A week passed by and if you thought you passed the worst part, you were sadly wrong. Another challenge started for you when other people decided to join the Sanctuary. The day that happened you wondered what was wrong, why everybody was being so noisy about it when it was so common for new people to come here and work for their protection.

“For sure she’s gonna catch Negan’s attention.” A woman said and the one next to her nodded.

“She’s gonna be something new.”

Everybody was freaking out because there was a new girl, and she was all around Negan for the time she and her group came here. Almost like an octopus, you thought of it as a metaphor.

When you finally caught a glimpse of her, you could see how everybody was talking about her and the way she was “a breath of fresh air”.

“Thank you Negan, you saved my life!” Her voice sounded like a squeak. He didn’t say anything, he only smiled at her and kept talking about whatever he was saying.

She was probably younger and, for sure, she was more full of vital energy than you. You decided that scene in front of you was enough to bear, so you simply left the crowd with their chatters.

After that “introduction”, you didn’t catch her often, mostly because you were in your room or working, but the few times you did she was talking about Negan with other girls. You didn’t know what she knew about you and Negan, but, from the way she looked at you every time that you both made eye contact, she wasn’t really happy. You knew she was trying to be one of Negan’s wives.

The worst part came in when you saw her and Negan chatting in one of the corridors. You were trying to reach Simon to speak with him about job stuff and that was when you saw them.

“Please, Negan, when can I see you again?” Her tone was extremely euphoric, you could feel your nerves twisting.

“Marika, babygirl, you know that I’m fucking busy these days.” His tone, his sarcastic and charismatic tone came back and you couldn’t stop clenching your fists.

While you were completely rotting in your own room, Negan was having fun like he always did. He made you fool for a second time, you thought, but this time you didn’t have the energy to react to it. You wondered only if Sherry was annoyed again this time because of her.

“I know! But I miss you so much…” You could see her hand touching his beard, like a sensual invitation. But Negan didn’t touch her, instead, he moved her hand away softly. He smiled at her, which probably made her think that she only needed to try more to gain his touch.

You needed to walk past them, knowing you couldn’t look at both of them. You thought that you overcame the anxiety he made you feel these days, but it never left you. Your heart decided to pound anyway, making your chest almost hurt.

You bit your lip before starting to walk, completely ignoring both presences. You felt on your skin their eyes, like if they were ready to devour you. You kept walking, as you heard the new girl, Marika, making a disgusted sound. You were sure now that your presence bothered her.

Negan’s eyes were still on you, watching you walk away until you disappeared from them. It was Marika that brought him back to reality because he couldn’t stop looking at you.

“Negan? Are you here?” She asked innocently, trying to hide the disgust she had about you.

“Yes?” He pretended that nothing happened, but he could see that Marika liked it because she smiled at him again.

He knew what he was doing, but it only helped to grow the hatred sensation he had for himself inside.

────────────────────

When you finally reached Simon, you had to support your back against the closed door. You couldn’t catch what exactly he was doing, but you saw in his hand an unloaded gun. Your shortness of breath and your sobbing were enough to make him drop everything on the table.

He got closer to you, with a worried expression on his face. “What the hell happened?”

Between all the tears, you were able to talk. “He already has someone new, he completely forgot about me. While I was crying because of him, he was laughing all the time!”

“Hey,” Simon’s hands reached your shoulder, “try to calm down, okay? Breathe some fucking air and then you explain everything to uncle Simon.”

You nodded and let yourself calm down with each breath you took in. When it worked enough, you started to talk again.

“It is about Negan. He has another girl, even if I don’t think it’s another wife because no one mentioned it. He clearly forgot about me already, Simon. While I was crying and rotting inside my room, he was happily fucking someone else.”

For all this time, Simon never talked with you about how Negan was doing, but he also was doing pretty shitty. He was surprised like you were when you mentioned another girl around him, because he didn’t know it.

“Listen,” he said while he looked at you, “why don’t you go back to your room and get some rest, mh? I’ll try to fix this shit.”

Tiredness was all over your body, but you didn’t want to stay in your room again. “No, Simon, please, don’t. I think the only solution is me leaving the Sanctuary.”

You didn’t lie about it: for all the time you were isolating yourself, you thought often to leave this place. You always stayed alone, so it wouldn’t have been a problem to survive on your own again.

The look that Simon gave you was an angry one, “Don’t try to say this bullshit again, you’re not gonna leave the Sanctuary. Now go and rest, I need to talk to Negan.”

You sighed again and left the room with Simon. You could see him taking the corridor that led to Negan’s room and you only wondered what they could talk about.

───────────────────────────────────────────

AO3 Link:

#ao3 #negan fanfiction #negan x reader #the walking dead ao3 #negan smith #ao3 fanfic #negan smith x reader

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 1: Coming of Age Post Moonlight.

The films in Unit 1 are: Pariah (2011), Get Real (1998), Edge of Seventeen (1998), My Own Private Idaho (1991), and Mysterious Skin (2004)

Today I will be writing about

Pariah (2011) dir. Dee Rees

[Available on: Amazon, YouTube Rental, Run Time: 1:26]

Summary: A Brooklyn teenager juggles conflicting identities and risks friendship, heartbreak and family in a desperate search for sexual expression. (from IMDB)

Cast:

Adepero Oduye as Alike (pronounced Ah-Lee-Kay) Aasha Davis as Bina, Alike's love interest Charles Parnell as Arthur, Alike's father Kim Wayans as Audrey, Alike's mother Pernell Walker as Laura, Alike's best friend Sahra Mellesse as Sharonda, Alike's younger sister

Overall Thoughts (this write up is longer than my The Birdcage one because this time I actually took notes)

I LOVED THIS FILM. I am so intrigued by the layers this film builds for itself. If there was one phrase that came to mind while I watched this film it would be “code-switching.” Not in the traditional way it would relate to language and linguistics, but in the way that there is code and there is switching. Because there are so many levels of change and obfuscation in this film from the clothing to the queer flagging to the thinly veiled threats. Before I get too far in to this, let’s do a quick analysis of the main character’s name

Alike Freeman. 

Alike- Origin: Nigerian, Meaning: “girl who drives out beautiful women” (at least according to babycenter)

Freeman- I mean…I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. But it is very very intentional. 

The film opens in a lesbian club, showing Alike wearing baggy, masculine clothing. On the bus ride home, she changes into a more femme style. And here we have the first switch. With her friend, out on the town, in the dark (look, Ben! I haven’t even seen this show yet, but I knew you were gonna pop in here with the link so I figured I would get ahead of it) Alike is free to be herself. To be openly, purposefully queer, to code herself that way. But the same cannot be said at home, where she is still in the (glass) closet. Second switch occurs when Alike leaves the house wearing more feminine clothing, and changes to more masculine clothing when she gets to school. 

We see the first code soon after when Alike spends her lunch period in her English teacher’s classroom. (This is how you know the story was written by a lesbian). We see her full name for the first time written on the cover of her journal. Alike Freeman. What a wonderful name for someone who is not free to be herself in all parts of her life. The second code we see established around the dinner table and on the basketball court. The way this family interacts with each other, there is the push and pull between honesty and secrecy, control and lack of it, respect and disrespect, and the love you feel coming from these characters is palpable, but there is an undercurrent of understanding that this love may be conditional. 

Audrey is interesting as a character because you know that she knows, and you know that she is trying to pretend like she doesn’t see it, and you know that she is (again, coding) trying to not-so-subtly “correct” her daughter’s behavior through the clothes that she buys her, through the disdain she has for Laura, by not letting Alike close the door when Laura is in her room, through telling Alike “God doesn’t make mistakes”. And the way that Audrey is lonely and isolated within the context of her family, within the social groups at work, because she is so internally focused on trying to stop her daughter from being gay that she has neglected every other connection in her life. 

We get another semi-code with the conversation in the hallways between three girls, one of whom says: “Some of them AGs are cute, I’m not saying I would, but I’ll holla” \\ “I’m not gay, but if i was gay, I’d talk to [Alike]” \\ “I like girls, I love boys” while making occasional eye contact with Alike across the hallway or walking right past her. The girl is letting Alike know she’s interested while still trying to maintain both the illusion of straightness and disinterest. 

Audrey connects Alike with the daughter of the literal only person she talks to in her office (read: her only trusted person) in the hopes that Alike will act more like a “lady”. While at first glance, we understand Audrey’s intention, we get yet another code from Bina that this plan may backfire for Audrey…when Bina mentions the English teacher. Queer. Coding. 

I loved the way that everyone knew, everyone knows that Alike is queer, and they just. won’t. talk. about. it. I love the way this film shows the very hard lines of allyship (yet another switch). When a butch lesbian comes in to the barbershop and is being harassed by his friends, Arthur stays silent. When she leaves, Arthur gently calls out his friend. When Arthur’s friend calls Alike a “bull-dyke” he’s ready to throw hands. No one is willing to risk a fight with their friends when they are being shitty to a queer no one knows or cares about. Another code, this time from Arthur to Alike comes after his friend makes yet another homophobic, and vaguely threatening comment about his daughter while she is inside the store, when he says “you know you’re daddy’s girl, right?”. She is safe to be herself with him. His love for Alike is unconditional…unlike her mother’s. 

I loved the way Alike’s caterpillar poem related to queerness, to closeted queerness in particular. The way the caterpillar felt trapped and suffocated in the dark cocoon, the way that Alike feels trapped and suffocated in the closet as she develops in to herself, as she develops in to her adulthood, as she develops in to her queerness. 

I am obsessed with the way that Arthur codes his conversation with Alike as he attempts to coax her in to coming out to him when they are alone, at night, in the dark. I mean, just!! He starts to try to bring it up, bails, skirting the conversation to ask about school instead, Alike knows what’s up, and having complicated feelings around her first kiss, she starts asking her father for advice, keeping pronouns out of the conversation, slowly building to the moment where she is going to come out to him, and he knows it, and she knows it, and Arthur just…interrupts her to start asking questions about “him.” He adds he/him pronouns in to the conversation, and he walks away continues the conversation where Alike cannot see his face, and where he cannot see hers. Because he can’t handle that conversation, because he knows how deeply rooted Audrey’s homophobia is, because the second he hears her say that, he knows that he has lost his daughter. And so instead, he sends her vague and coded messages with his questions around the women’s club, and it being bad news, and to not be associated with it. Because again, if Alike comes out, he knows that he will lose her. So he steers the conversation the way it needs to go where he can equivocate to his wife, telling her that Alike told him she has a boyfriend (because she didn’t correct him when he started adding he/him pronouns to his questions about a crush). 

I loved that Bina, a femme character was constantly the one initiating intimacy, while Alike, a masc character was constantly second guessing and then eventually bailing on initiating intimacy, and I loved that Bina is the one who decided she couldn’t handle admitting that she was queer while having sex for the first time helped Alike get over her hand ups. It felt subversive to me this way. 

I LOVED LAURA. I think she 300% deserves better, but I loved that despite the fact she struggles, despite the fact that she was disowned, despite the fact that she acts tough (and is tough) she is so compassionate, so caring. She lets other homeless queers sleep in her sister’s apartment for the evening so they have a safe and secure roof over their head, she got her fucking GED, she reached out to her mother despite being the one abandoned by her, and she took Alike in after her mother beat her for being gay despite the fact that Alike kept blowing her off in order to follow her feelings for Bina. Laura is a community pillar and we love and support and cherish community pillars in the house. 

I loved that while we get this initial eruption, and an acute burst of pain when Alike comes out, and her mother attacks her, the very next day Alike is in the light, watching the birds, being treated with softness and kindness, smiling and eating ice cream. I like that the loss of Alike’s presence in the family was palpable, that Audrey is clearing out the kitchen in the dark, that the Freeman’s are eating in the dark, and that Arthur reaches out to Alike in the light. 

I loved that Alike makes it clear that she isn’t running. I like that I don’t feel like Alike is suffering here, the people who lose are her family, the person who loses the most is her mother. Alike still maintains a relationship with her father and her sister, and following in Laura’s footsteps, she tries to extend the olive branch to her mother. But her mother cannot do it. I love queer kids reaching out to their parents, and it is important to me to see that pain that comes from loving your parents unconditionally and finding they cannot do the same for you in return. 

I don’t have anything I really want to say about the ending, because it was perfect and the script speaks for itself

“Your mother would always pick you up, your mother would always pick you up…you remember how we always used to race when it rang-” \\ “I got accepted in to an early college program…” \\ ‘I’m sorry I let her hurt you, you can always come back home. Things are gonna be different, I promise.” \\  “I’m not running, I’m choosing. I’m not going back home.” \\ “I know.” \\ “And you should tell Mom she was right, God doesn’t make mistakes.” \\ “You should tell her yourself.” 

The way this moment punched me in the gut? Knowing that I was watching a father trying to bring his baby home and realizing that he is facing an adult who has been freed instead. 

And on the subject of freedom, I am incredibly moved by the finally lines of the film: 

“For even breaking is opening. Broken to the new light without pushing in. Open to the possibility within pushing out. See the love shine in through my cracks. See the light shine out through me. I am broken. I am open. I am broken open. See the love light shining through me, shining through my cracks. Through the gaps. My spirit takes journey, my spirit takes flight. Could not have risen otherwise, and I am not running. I am choosing. Running is not a choice from a breaking. Breaking is freeing. Broken is freedom. I am not broken. I am free.”

Where Does This Film Fall in My By, For, About Queers Categorization?

THE GAY TRIFECTA

The writer/driector, Diandria “Dee” Rees, is a lesbian and describes Pariah as “semi-autobiographical"

Favorite Moment

I wouldn’t say there was a particular moment that stood out above the others as my favorite, because it was all incredible, but I will say that my favorite visual element that was employed was the use of lighting. When Alike is in queer spaces, her world is awash in vibrant and varied colors. In the privacy of her room she is bathed in red light, when she is being comforted by Laura after the fight with her mother, she is bathed in blue. 

10/10 Film

#bengiyo queer cinema syllabus #pariah #pariah (2011) #wka long post

[sky-neverending]

a little bit from my modern newsies au!!

David groaned and headed out the door, making it to the field about three minutes later. He stood awkwardly on the side as the players finished up, running around in stupidly heavy uniforms. Jack was on the sidelines, yelling at them to keep going. He turned to the left and saw David, a scowl forming on his face as the two locked eyes.

“You want something, Jacobs?” He called out, hands on his hips. Sighing, David walked toward him. He had no clue how he was going to get through the next two weeks.

“Kelly.” He greeted lamely, a sorry excuse for a smile plastered on his face. “I need to talk to you.”

Jack inspected him for a moment, almost as if he was searching for an ulterior motive. “You're talkin’ to me right now, Dave.”

David blinked at him. “Yeah. Okay. Are you free right now?” He asked blandly, watching as Jack looked pointedly from him, to the field, and then back to him before sighing.

“Yeah. Give me a minute to wrap this up, then we can talk.”

As he walked away, David watched, attempting to distract himself by picking idly at his fingernails. But he couldn’t help it; there was something so mesmerizing about the way Jack carried himself. Tall and confident, never a falter in his step. He was nauseatingly perfect. David hated him.

He hovered by a bench as Jack talked to the group, patting a nervous freshman on the back. He could just pick up his voice, yelling about the final game that was coming up the next week, encouraging the team in a manner that Davey could only wish Jack would talk to him in.

David shook that thought away. It wasn’t his fault that he wanted Jack to be nice to him. He was nice to everyone else. There wasn’t a single person, besides the occasional bully, that Jack Kelly didn’t treat with an unfathomable amount of kindness.

But he turned angry and cold when it came to David.

It hadn’t always been like that. There had been a time where Jack and David were joined together at the hip. They had spent all of middle school and freshman year bouncing from each other's houses, getting into whatever trouble Jack caused that David then had to get them out of.

When Jack started dating Sarah, everything changed. He distanced himself from David, rarely offering him a second glance in the halls. And when they broke up? He had gone back, tried to apologize, but David wouldn’t have it. He cut Jack off then and there, and the memories turned bitter, tainted with rage and despair.

And now, aside from the occasional snarky comment to and fro, they didn’t speak. That didn’t stop them from sharing darting glances filled with hurt and anger across the classrooms, or whispering about each other behind closed doors.

David didn’t actually know if Jack talked about him behind his back, but he figured the constant stares from Spot Conlon were enough of a sign.

Before he knew it, Jack was headed back toward him. The grin on his face dropped as he got closer, matching David’s own expression that grew cold with the proximity.

“You wanted something?” he asked, hands on his hips. David shot him a mocking smile.

“I need to write an article about you. Which means I need to interview you a few times. When are you free?”

Jack held up his hands. “Wait, wait. You're just gonna assume I’ll do it? What’s in it for me?”

Sighing, David crossed his arms, leaning his weight onto one leg. “Look, Kelly. I need this to save the journalism club, which is getting cut thanks to you and your gang of sweaty teenage boys running around with a ball. And it’s not like this is going to affect you in any way, except by maybe spreading some more positive propaganda around.” He took a breath. “So please, don’t make me resort to begging. Just agree, and we can get it done as soon as possible, and then we never have to talk again. Okay?”

A look David couldn’t quite read flashed across Jack's face, only for a split second. And then he nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll do it.” He spit on his hand and stuck it out, offering it to David, who scrunched up his face in disgust.

“Not happening.” he said, taking a step backwards. “I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow.” The statement was more of a demand than a request, and if Jack answered he didn’t hear. He was too busy storming away, feet thudding against the grass as he held his shoulders back in a state of mock confidence.

#sky writes #newsies #newsies fanfiction #newsies 1992 #jack kelly #david jacobs #davey jacobs #javid newsies #javid #javey #javey newsies #wip #newsies wip

[amelylinaa]

went hiking ;]

i took myself and my little sister hiking recently, wanted to share some of the photos i guess

now it'll be more of my thoughts and feelings and other stuff that's probaly not important for you, if you're here for the cc - new infant stuff is being made, so stay tuned!

so I really feel like I've matured a lot, it's been one hell of a ride if you ask me about this year. Frankly speaking i've lost any meaning in my life, like at all, i didn't know what was I doing, who I was, where was I being and thoughts of future seemed so irrational, because there wasn't even any point of living till that time. I just couldn't see future for myself. In january I got diagnosed with CPTSD and things kind of started making sense in terms of my behavior, coping mechanisms, escapism etc. I've started reading reddit posts of people telling their stories of how they've coped with this diagnosis. I guess i never really fully moved on from it, so it mostly still taunts me when i suddenly remember that ah yes, i'm actually forever mentally ill, nice. But I just started to move on you know? obviously not without any help, first of all I started taking antidepressants, then my close ones were there in my toughest times, because the hardest and at the same time most familiar feeling is feeling lonely, like you'll never have someone who understands you, like you have so many relatives and people around your life, but at the same time you're so alone in your head and feelings to the point it suffocates you so much, that crying isn't even possible any longer.

What struck me the most when antidepressants started working (sadly only after 5 months from the moment they were prescribed) is that I never in my entire life felt so... alive??? I really can't remember the last time I've actually felt so balanced, I started having thoughts again (it was so shocking for me that in the beginning i actually had some big issues with sleeping, cause my mind just didn't know how to go to sleep when you're actually able to think), i got all those feelings of love back, that i never knew i was robbed of. Like i would look at my cat and actually start crying just from how much i loved her (now im just extremely happy seeing her hehe), I would look at my absolutely normal patreon/tumblr profile and get so emotional looking at how many lovely people like what i do and support me.

But this leads to another very sad thought that haunts me sometimes, that actually the way I was living all this time wasn't normal, it wasn't my quirk or character type or some other shit I would hear when talked about the way I was feeling (or rather feeling nothing). Like all this time I was always blaming myself. This really made me cry at first. Actually lots of things made me cry when I started my healing journey (now I just don't cry, it's an antidepressant thing).

Only after antidepressants started working all the other "normal" things started helping me cope with anxiety and feeling of loss and sadness like "oh just go for a walk", "start exercising", "journal", "drink more water and eat healthy". You now the shit people that never experienced depression tell you and it's not their fault they don't understand. Honestly it's actually insanely lucky for them, that they don't understand.

So writing all of the above I wanted to say that please, don't be hard on yourself, it's not your fault that you're that way, but unfortunately it's only you who can actually trully help yourself. Even if it seems like there's no point in doing anything and life seems meaningless, remember that there still can be things worth living for, even the smallest ones like who's gonna pet all the doggies and kitties??? or who will download all the most prettiest loveliest most perfectly done clothes by the best creator (me) on patreon/tumblr ever????hehehe. Life is unfortunately meaningless, if you don't give any meaning to it, and it's not your fault that you can't find it, just give yourself time.

I'm absolutely not even remotely close to healing (and honestly I don't even know if it's really possible with CPTSD), but I'm definitely feeling better. Actually I'm feeling kind of down right now, but that's ok!! Because well I'm sure sad for a reason and I'm just trying my best to embrace it and fully feel sad I guess, so I can move on and feel peaceful again, until a new emotion comes and I'll try to feel it again, because that's what apparently humans do as I've learned after taking antidepressants.

Hey, you've read all the way to here, woah, you know that I'm proud of you? And not just beacuse you've read my stupid thoughts, but just because you're here with us, you're very strong and I'm very proud of you.

stay safe, love you all to the moon and back, 

your silly girl, Ame <3

#idk how to tag this #thoughts #my thougts #just cptsd things #living with cptsd #cptsd recovery #mountains #hiking #backpacking

[cakeinpants]

How are Mel and Iz doing by the way?

– Oh! Iz, look, there's a whole empty journal here.

– Cool..

– What can we do with it?

– You found it, what do you wanna do with it?

– Idunno...

– You can write memoirs. So that one day, when you and I already gonna be dead, some guy from a demolition crew that came to take down this building will find this journal— and use it as toilet paper or something...

– ...You know I actually like this idea except for the last part. I can start a diary and write down all my thoughts.

– Will I be allowed to read it?

– No.

– Aw..

_______

"Entry 1."

"Hello 1 First journal entry and... We're doing pretty good! There's so much to tell, I don't know where to start.

Right now me and Iz are staying with a group of other runaway muds at this abandoned factory. They were workers at a freight station and ran away to escape getting disposed of after being deemed "dysfunctional". They have their struggles, but they're good people.

This place apparently used to be a furniture factory called "Eternal Renovation". And was abandoned because it was built on bad soil and part of the building started falling apart. It's not the fanciest place, but we're safe here for now and it's all that matters.

It's so great to finally be able to openly be a female... Tho I'm not sure if I'm doing it right? I have no idea how to be a queen.. I'm kinda still just me, but can complain about girl problems to Iz instead of hiding them, haha..

You should've seen his face when I explained what "those days" are.

And yeah, things between me and Iz are going much better. At first he seemed to have gotten a bit.. distant. And was pretty obviously uncomfortable around me. It really worried me.

But now we're warming up to each other again, maybe even more than before and it was such a relief... I think he just needed some time.

Also! Iz started growing feathers too! Like all over. He looks kinda funny with them. Weird right? He says he's never grown feathers before. I guess not breathing toxic pesticides every day can do wonders to you.

...if he ends up growing better plumage than me, I'll be upset...

Also I found this harmonica when exploring the building and now I'm learning to play it. I love it so much! It's like having a voice again that doesn't sound like a dying paramite.. heh..

I want to learn to play more different instruments if I ever get a chance to.

Well.. that's all I can think of right now.

Alright, gotta go!"

#oddtumblr #oddworld #sketches #ask blog #web comics #saggingardenz #webcomic #fanfiction

[mandizo]

this is it. you are not immune to my chemist spokeishere propaganda!!!!!!

hes literally a chemist why hasnt anyone thought of this yet?? like,, the creature plays around with explosives like they're lego bricks. thats literally what we do. except that he does it better , bc he puts having fun with his deadly kaboom stuff first and safety last

i hereby present to you my meticulously constructed hc that is totally based on facts and logical reasoning. not because i want them to be exactly like me . open the fold to die instantly!

spoke is an awesome 😎 chemist, in the sense that he doesn't wear goggles, doesn't put on a lab coat, or have any sort of ppe in general, he runs his reactions in glass bottles other people use for brewing and he even stores his energetic end products in glassware. without labels ofc. sure enough if the stuff in it just decides to explode one day the bottle will be reduced to countless glass shards flying everywhere but that has never happened. in fact spoke never got hurt synthesising energetic compounds (i should really stop calling them that it just means explosives) no matter how insane the reaction setup looks. he'll stir the mixture wit h his own fingers and the reaction still runs smoothly

crossover with the most hc of all time, spoke cant read , he just cant, but that doesn't really affect doing chemistry does it? dont really have to know how to read. just look at the hexagons with goofy faces on them. he also has an experiment journal like any other chemist. but since he cant read he doesn't actually write anything down. there r only his doodles of withers blowing stuff up and the energetic crystals he makes in there. also some pages are just covered in azides and peroxides. the entire thing is just a gigantic safety hazard. the cover and a couple of pages are gone bc one time parrot was looking through his stuff and took the notebook out of a chest. the book detonated on the spot and the cover and some pages were blown off. parrot lost a heart but spoke is still pretty mad at him since one of the missing pages has a drawing of these reeeaaally pretty S4N4 crystals he made one time.

he draws stuff with d-p backbonding as double bonds (hes literally me!!!) and instead of drawing benzene like a hexagon with a depressed face in it he draws a ^_^ in. look at the example youll get what I mean

also he doesn't know how to do retrosynthesis. when he has to design a route he works from the start to the end. and hes pretty good at it

miscellaneous stuff below

⬆️ the brainrot hit when i was taking the math exam ive been talking abt im failing so hard lol

⬆️ S4N4 crystals from tom’s vid on it

uh thats it actually. im aware that there are some key details i need to work out but i think im just gonna enjoy what i already have for now. um. idk. listen to austenyo? lol

#lifesteal #spokeishere #lifesteal smp #i am putting my deranged thoughts into the main tag for all to see!!! teehee #im so sorry #what does any of this mean