#I told him I could talk anytime from 11 until the evening | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aquanova99 · 1 year

Text

Haunted (Cato x Reader)

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Part 7

Prev <<

Next >>

A/N: Im sorry its taken so long I am trying to wrap up book one but how do I change it and leave out unnecessary details... I'm working on it

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Cato’s POV

The room was tense. Seeder’s gift was sure to draw some attention. Rumors swirled around Rue’s death sparking anger in District 11. While the victors had become friendly throughout the years of mentoring bringing them together it wasn’t a common theme to grieve over other tributes like this. From the same district, maybe. Then again, alliances did not normally cross over between more than one district outside of District 1,2, and 4. The mentors whispered what her actions would bring upon them. Haymitch had been in and out of the shared viewing room. Only talking to Chaff a handful of times.

You’d been largely silent focused on the screen anytime y/n came into view. She was stone faced the morning after Rue and Marvels death. To someone from the capitol it could seem that she was simply waiting for the next canon to go off, but it would have been a stretch. Anyone with half a brain could see she was in a catatonic state. You wondered if Thresh really believed Marvel had gotten help in his endeavor with Rue. Likely not, Thresh seemed shaken up enough that he seemed the type to avenge his tiny friend and from what you saw he had made his way to the part of the arena covered in a field of wheat. If he knew about the dangers it was as a good place as any, you certainly wouldn’t have chased him out there.

Cashmere decides to sit next to you, clearing her throat and wakes you out of trance you seem to keep finding yourself in. She doesn’t speak to anyone in particular, but you know she’s directing every word to you. “She’s different, that one. We will have to help her when she comes back.”

“Don’t all tributes get that, mentors for the first year.”

“Hm? I don’t know what you mean, I must have been thinking out loud. It would be a shame if she couldn’t dig herself out. We don’t want her to go through the same thing Annie did.” With that Cashmere floated away. Annie. The girl from 4. She had come out a little more messed up than the usual victor, dissociating completely in certain situations as if she was somewhere totally different. Finnick had taken upon himself to help her get through her spells, and as much as he could try and hide the pair had grown dependent on the other, completely and totally in love with each other. It was easy to ignore everything when they were home, but Finnick was often called away and playing the role that was forced on anyone who had received help from sponsors. Even those who got nothing could be forced into keeping some annoying capitol citizen ‘company.’ You remember it had only been a month after you had gotten out of your own games. You still hadn’t left the arena, I guess that was your own fault for finishing so quickly, it never processed right. The woman…you couldn’t remember her name, you barely remembered her face, all you saw was a threat. You’d broken her arm the second she touched you, and then…well its lucky there were more people hanging around because before you knew it you were unconscious.

Killer Cato. The only good that came from that name is that until Brutus and Enobaria deemed you safe you were lucky enough to avoid traveling back and forth to the capitol. Most of the time the tributes were allowed to live their life as victor peacefully until the victory tour, most of the time. Some victors like the morphlings or the ones who weren’t conventionally attractive or maybe the ones who got lucky and survived the games on their own were left to their own devices. Most of tributes from 1, 2, and 4 were asked and more often than not told to pay a visit to the generous people of the capitol more quickly than the others. Unless she did something unappealing to the viewers y/n would probably suffer the same fate. Cashmere’s words soothed you, maybe there would be a way to keep her away from that life for now. Seeing as she risked her life for family, or something close to family, its likely the threats the capitol offered would force her to comply…These feelings were weird. You didn’t understand why it mattered. If she won you would only see her once a year once you were both mentors. Out of all of the tributes, she seemed like she had the best head to win, that’s all. Right? Maybe you can get some use out of the training center.

Hours go by, and it’s a slow day. The gamemakers are going to have to do something to pull them together, Y/ns eyes are hollow as she sits by the fire, seemingly waiting for anyone to come find her. They don’t. Arioch and Clove wont be lured by something so similar to what destroyed their supplies and killed an ally, not yet anyway. You wonder if Clove and Arioch had realized he had been ready to turn against Arioch, if they did neither showed any sign of doubting him. The red-headed girl is still spying on them, waiting for an opportune time to try and steal whatever foods been handed to them by the sponsors. Clove had been keeping Arioch calm, but he was getting angry. Lyme was only giving what was absolutely necessary for them to eat. She worried they wouldn’t be able to ration it properly and judging by how annoyed Arioch was getting she was right. It was clear he was fond enough of Clove that he knocked it off whenever she would say something about it but she had her fair share of complaints. You were shocked no one had gone where Thresh was hidden, it seemed to be abundant with food. If you knew about it anyway, which you were almost positive your tributes wouldn’t. The academy you trained for the games had classes on interviews, deadly snares and traps, and the biggest majority fighting, there were also classes for food and foraging but it was never forced. And realistically, you never needed to know about that, seeing as there was always a steady stream of sponsors willing to bet on your districts training.

Then finally as everyone is ready or already retiring to their rooms for a night of unrestful sleep, the trumpets sound. Haymitch sits back down in a spot next to you, a his hands clenched together as he rests his arms on his knees. Not even looking at his screen. You realize he knows what is about to happen, what the announcement will be. And you couldn’t have been more wrong. Claudius Templesmith has an announcement. You expected a feast, something to give Peeta a chance but no, the words ‘rule change’ freezes every victor left in the room. You realize why Haymitch has been largely absent today. You realize Peeta’s one sided pining has worked, and you also realize that maybe, it wasn’t so one sided, she’s teary eyed as his name leaves her lips the second the announcement is over.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Y/ns POV

You were about to be sick again. You had never felt so conflicted. You should wait until morning. Every instinct screamed at you to not be so reckless. You couldn’t sit still, couldn’t sleep. You had your night glasses anyway…the ones Thresh had told you about. Thresh. The one who could have had an ally had you been able to save Rue. Rue. The young girl who could have made it if she hadn’t teamed up with you. Really it was the tributes of District 11 that originally urge your feet forward. You felt a guilt begin overing you under a weight that seemed to be getting heavier to shake off the more you allowed yourself to think of either of them. And Peeta. You could have ruined everything. He had continued playing up the star crossed lovers, why else would the gamemakers make a rule change like this. You move quickly and silently, theres only one place he could be, really. Arioch had gotten in your head, if Peeta was really that badly injured you may not have much time left, and you’d be damned if you lost anyone else. You only stop to rest when you’re close enough to the stream that you hope you’ll be able to hear or see Peeta.

The second daylight hits your still weary eyes you sit up. It stirs you from a rather unfulfilling sleep and you are off to try and find Peeta again. You almost give up several times before you manage to find that blood-streaked boulder. Hes close. He has to be.

You were amazed how even near death Peeta seemed to have his sense of humor intact. In other news, you suddenly remembered how much you hated the act of cleaning wounds.

“Something wrong?” He asks after seeing my face.

“Shut up.” Peeta laughs as you try not gag while cleaning his wound.

“How do you manage to kill anything around here?”

“You never know, I may be killing you as we speak.”

“Cant you just use that spear?”

“My food isn’t draining pus all over me. Blood I can handle.” You shove him some dried fruit and continue working on him. Its clear the wound is far above any medical capabilities you thought you had. After working on his leg for an hour you are finally able to wrap, and all you can do is hope for the best.

“I need to clean your…undershorts.”

“Okay.” He says it so calmly you grit your teeth, you’ve cried too much in that past couple of days for nakedness to be another thing on an ever growing list that makes you squeamish. You just avoid looking in his direction while he takes them off and turn your back to him as you get cleaning. “So no pus, but nakedness is okay? Or are you just being stubborn like how you were with Haymitch?”

“Speaking of…have you gotten anything?”

“No, what did you get?”

“Burn medicine.” You don’t need to say anything about the bread its an unnecessary truth. “It was when it was earlier in the games so he could probably afford it then.”

“Uh huh, not because you’re his favorite or anything.” You’re unsure what to say. You cant deny you and Haymitch understand each other on a different level. And survival wise, you could outlast anyone here. Maybe he could only bet on one of you. But with the rule change… ugh the whole rule change. The capitol has to be waiting for you to kiss him or love him. I mean youre washing his damn underwear, cant that be enough.

“I bet you he’ll send you something when he can.”

“Its okay Y/N, besides I know what will make me feel better.”

“Me too. Medicine.”

“No, you. I mean obviously you’re doing something right.”

You toss him some damp clothes to put back on. “Lets hope I am and your fever breaks.”

“Seriously thanks for coming back for me, I know you didn’t hav—” You cut him off and hugged him as tight as you could

“Just get better okay.” Because you did want him to get better. Whatever the reason was, the gamemakers are falling for his pining and giving you a chance to return it. Honestly after everything that happened with Rue, you kept thinking back to his words the night before the game. And this was something the games wouldn’t change. You weren’t in love with Peeta, and you couldn’t pretend. He was more of a family member or friend you would do almost anything for. But kissing him would feel wrong, be wrong. A hug is as much as the capitol would get for now, if your feelings changed later and you both made it out of here maybe you could play along.

“Is that all I get.”

“Get better and then maybe, maybe you get more.”

“I’ll take what I can get.” Peeta was so good at this. It didn’t take him long to doze off. You take the time to collect more water and hunt for anything near the stream. You know through the slower moving parts the fish could be easy pickings. You debate staying with Peeta, but you both need something in your system. Maybe you should let him rest, but you cant hunt for anything with him out in the open. You relent after about an hour and coax him into walking with you down the stream, as long as he can anyway. You comfort him as he gathers whatever strength he has left and when hes ready you find a small cave like formation a little way above the stream. You let him sleep and work on making the cave as unnoticeable as you possibly can. You let him sleep and work on making the cave as unnoticeable as you possibly. You manage to further downstream and pick off a few fish where the water is slow. You try to ignore how badly you missed a few times and instead try to figure out how to make yourself more appealing to any possible sponsors, you cant tell him you love him but if you cant give him medicine, maybe you can give him hope. The audience might turn their indifference into pity if you could make them believe that you cant allow yourself to fall in love yet. You take a deep, dramatic breath before entering the cave.

Peeta is still sound asleep in your sleeping bag. Good. It will be easier to do this when hes not fully coherent. You crouch besides him and brush a strand of hair away from his face, you try to show your hesitation, tapping your fingers and shaking your leg before shaking your head and kissing him on the cheek. A cheek that is rapidly raising in temperature.

Peeta stirs, “Mm Y/n?”

“I caught us some fish.”

“Thanks for finding me,”

“It’s the least I could do. Just get better for me, okay?”

“You know what would really make me feel better?” You roll your eyes, he is much better at playing the lovestruck boy than you could ever hope.

“You already got one. But if you actually get better…” then what? You don’t want to kiss him, “then maybe.” That’s the best you can do for now.

“I’ll take it.” He smiles at you. You can tell the fever medication you have is having next to effect on him. If he doesn’t get medicine soon he’s going to die. You both know it. You hear a soft crunch of leaves and you’re up in an instant. Peeta grabs your hand to try and stop you from doing anything dangerous, you squeeze his hand and put the other on his cheek. You then quickly grab your knife and sneak to the edge of the cave, you try not to laugh when you see the silver parachute at the foot of the entrance. Haymitch is obviously rewarding your actions. Not that they aren’t out of real concern but regardless its clear that hes going to keep pushing for you to act like this if its what sends you food. Realistically, what you want is medicine but you aren’t likely to get that at this stage in the game.

“Hey Peeta! Looks like Haymitch decided to send you something after all.” You are able to convince him its for him soup is easier for him to eat, otherwise he would have sent actual food. It seems to make sense to him anyway. Apparently even soup is a struggle for Peeta, “And here I thought you wanted to get better, I guess no kisses for you.”

“Not fair.”

“Please Peeta, you have to get better.” It takes entirely too long for him to stomach the tiny pot of broth. Once he sleeps, you put the last of your bandage supply left on his warm forehead. Great. Now you wish you had made out with more in the arena before you blew it up. Whatever. You could mope while you kept watch since its all you could do for now. Anything else is just hope that the audience enjoyed what you did today.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Cato’s POV

Haymitch continues to go in and out of the room. If this had anything to do with the rule change, you can only hope he continues doing it. Y/n finished telling a story about her and her brother scrounging around their house to look for anything valuable to sell to buy their younger brother something for his birthday. To probably most people, it should be clear she had some other way to get their brother an old guitar. Music is something that seems relatively prevalent in her house, you think back to her singing with Rue. You wonder how often she’s gone without eating to feed someone else in her family, she was barely sleeping to continue to check on the boy from her district. For some reason the kiss she gave him kept replaying in your brain. He was definitely hurting her chances of making it, but its clear she struggles to not help out other tributes. That probably isn’t making Snow very happy. The concern on her face grows as she finishes her story and rechecks Peetas leg, which won’t make it without any medicine soon.

She cleans the bandage again, clearly not helping make a dent in his fever. They both know the blood poisoning will take him out soon if the games don’t end in a matter of maybe two days tops. And after the camera has shown Thresh doing quite well…it doesn’t seem like Peeta would be the one to outlast his fellow tributes. Haymitch almost collapses into the couch, you’re shocked he doesn’t spill the whiskey in his glass.

“You alr—” you try to ask before he puts one finger up, effectively quieting you while he takes a sip. Guess he’s doing worse than you thought.

“Its too expensive.”

“The medicine.” Its meant to be a question but you know the price is too much for any sponsor to fork over.

“Hopefully Effie and her gaggle of friends have gossiped enough to get an idea to the gamemakers.” Almost on cue the trumpets sound an announcement. When Claudius Templesmith begins speaking Haymitch laughs to himself, “Sometimes I think I might actually love that woman.”

Just as quickly as relief hits, Peeta threatens to follow Y/n to the banquet. Haymitch mutters something about Peeta making everything difficult and steps out again. You think how hard it must be to do this alone all these years. Most all of the other districts have someone else to divide the work out. Haymitch looked as tired as his tributes in the arena. Maybe ten minutes pass before he stumbles back into the viewing room. You just hold out some kind of spirit in a cup. He raises it to you before letting his head fall back.

“Nothing else I can do.” Y/n has been arguing with Peeta on letting her go to the cornucopia. The small vial meant nothing to you but Y/n stared at it for a long while before going back to the cave.

‘I guess I don’t have to go to the feast after all. Haymitch sent you some medicine.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah it says to take it like a shot. But it smells nasty. You’re stomach will probably try and reject it.’

‘I’m sure it wont.’ He snatched the vial with what little strength he had. You didn’t miss the smirk she had as he tried quickly drank it back. She played a big gamble on his ego and it paid off. She immediately plugged his nose and covered his mouth before he spit anything out. The effort was already draining the little energy he had, his attempt to force himself to throw didn’t help.

‘I’ll be back before you know it.’ Peetas anger reached all the way to the capitol. His eyes brimmed with fury as sleep overtook him. Y/n was smug at her victory, but she quickly leaned over him. Fussing over the sleeping bag covering him, cleaning any remaining medicine on his face, brushing his now sweat soaked hair from his face. ‘I hope you know I had to. I need you to make it.’

You watch as she presses her lip against his and try to find some logical reason on why you suddenly feel the need to go hit something. Y/n wastes no time. She starts arranging the cave to be almost undetectable. Luckily, she had been working on it before, as she finishes quickly. She walks for awhile and sets up a fire, with dusk settling it gives her good cover and she has time to cook everything she had caught the past day, making a decent meal of rabbit and fish. She finishes and fills the water containers when she gets back to the cave before allowing herself to sleep again. She only allows herself a few hours. You find yourself worrying about her lack of sleep.

The camera pans to the other districts again. The girl from five is starving and damn near freezing to death. Her item will definitely be something to protect her from the weather. Cato and Clove are cold too, their breaths making small white clouds, but they have the experience with cold weather training. Thresh seems fine too. You wonder what will be in store for those three.

‘Come on. I promise to make it a good show.’

‘No way. I kill her.’

‘Don’t be like that. You’ve killed almost everyone else we’ve dealt with and since you missed loverboy, its only fair I get a shot at her now.’

You don’t have to wonder who they’re talking about.

…’You’ll drag it out.’

‘Of course, when I’m done with her they’ll forget why they were ever rooting for her in the first place.’

‘Good thing you’re on my side, Clove.’ He chuckles, Clove grins with a sense of pride

‘So I can do it??’ Too excited, you think

‘Yeah sure.’

You didn’t expect Clove to do anything else. One of her critiques from the academy was quite literally how she wasted too much time making a show of things. She needed to prove she belonged. Its why all of you were shocked when she was the one picked from your district and not another eighteen year old to match Ariochs anger. Then again, if Arioch had another one of him out there they would have torn eachother apart before getting out of the blood bath. Probably over who got a certain kill.

Y/n began her journey back to the cornucopia. You wondered why she walked somewhat sideways until you remembered the big explosion. The ear must have been permanently damaged, or damaged until she made it back. She stopped more often than not to make sure she was hearing correctly. There was nothing. She arrived to her original hiding spot with no issue, with the glasses she slowly moved as close as she could. Arioch and Clove had sought out the space closest to the lake, which ended up helping Cora, the girl from five. She had snuck around the other side of giant cornucopia, hiding inside and ensuring she would be the closest to the feast the second the table appeared. Thresh was at the biggest disadvantage, positioning himself at the back of the cornucopia, He would need to listen for when the table came up because he definitely could not see from there.

District 5 had the right idea. Y/N realizes this the second she runs off. She wastes no time and runs in immediately after and grabs the tiny bag for her district, unfortunately Clove comes to the same realization. Y/n tries to follow District five but it’s clear Clove will be there before she can run off. You wonder why she only brought her knives but then again, the other weapons would require more time for her to aim and might end up hindering her. Cloves first knife is knocked away. You’re sure Y/ns cut up at least a little but not enough to stop her. She throws her own knife and it lands in Cloves right shoulder. Fortunately, that’s the arm she throws with. Unfortunately, this incites a rage you werent aware she had. She yanks the knife out, and switches it to her other hand quickly. Her aim is off now, and the knife whizzes past y/ns head. Y/n makes the mistake to look at where the knife landed and in that second Clove is tackling her to the ground. You remember your conversations on the roof that seem so long ago, and know she wont make it out of this. Your heart sinks to your stomach. Clove begins relishing in this, she knows this information just as well and is going to make her suffer just like she said she would.

‘Well if it isn’t the girl on fire. Whats the matter 12, worried about getting the medicine to loverboy?’

‘Worried about getting your screentime?’ She smirked until Clove threw a relatively soft punch considering her arm was clearly struggling to lift itself.

‘Not at all, I promised to give the audience a good show. Its funny because if it was Arioch right now, he’d probably finish you off pretty quickly. Would that be better for you? To go as quickly as your pathetic little friend?’

The mention of Rue has her struggling to unseat Clove with no avail, ‘Shut up. You don’t get to talk about her.’

‘The girl who hopped around in the trees. Rue? Well, we took care of her, and nature will take care of loverboy. and now I’m going to take care of you. Now, where to start?’ Y/n lifts her head trying to do anything to get Cloves balance off just to get a better chance of getting out of there. Clove is taking delight in her struggle, ‘I think we’ll start with your mouth. Make sure you blow loverboy one last kiss.’

‘Wow so clever. But if I can only say one last thing…’ Clove is puzzled for only a second more before Y/n spits in her face.

Clove gets one more punch as Y/n continues to struggle. When her nose begins to bleed she stills becoming unblinking, staring down her last opponent. You see Thresh coming up to the table freezing as he hears the entire conversation. ‘Lets start then,’

She barely leans over to trace the outline of Y/ns lips before he yanks her off his former ally. Flinging her to the ground. ‘You’re the one who killed her??’

Clove begins scooting backward, frantic at another opponent she clearly did not expect. Arioch had begun looking for another tribute where Y/n ran out of and was only now heading back to his original hiding spot.

‘No! No, it wasn’t me.!’

Thresh picks her up again holding her against the cornucopia. ‘I heard you!’

Arioch is already beginning to run as Clove begins screaming for help. He answers her but he’s too far. Thresh smashes her into the cornucopia. Y/n is still sat as she looks up in shock. Cloves body has the slightest moan escaping her lips. You look away, hating that the death wasn’t quick that somewhere in her mind she feels the pain coursing through her body. Your eyes snap up when Thresh speaks again.

‘Just this time Y/n. For Rue.’

Y/n eyes look at the two bags he has, ‘Don’t do it Thresh. Its not worth it.’

‘Clove!’ Ariochs voice makes Y/ns stand in a defensive position.

‘You better run now, Fire Girl.’ Y/ns scrambles to collect her knives and begins to run. She pauses when she hits the edge of the forest. Thresh has run off with both backpacks which could be a really smart or really stupid move. She looks at a frozen Arioch leaning over Clove and continues to run towards Peeta.

Y/n makes several stops as she runs towards Peeta, once to make sure her nose had stopped bleeding, it had. Once to see if her arm had stopped, it had not. She squeezed it shut until her feet hit the stream. She stops several more times to bend over and hold her head. You assume she is getting dizzy. The punch probably giving her an effect of a concussion. Every time she stands again she seems to have trouble getting her bearings but she makes it to the cave. Her hands shake as she struggles to open the small box, it contains one needle. She fumbles to unzip the sleeping bag and the second Peetas arm is exposed Y/n tries to center the shot. She has to take several deep breaths to calm the adrenaline that is sure to be coursing through her body, her hands are still shaking but she is able to slowly press down on the needle’s plunger. When shes finished she throws it across the cave and curls up into a ball, finally succumbing to the sleep that’s been eluding her since finding Peeta.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Y/N’s POV

You couldn’t cry, not again. You’ve cried too much in these games. One, its embarrassing, two the capitol cannot have another excuse to make you look weak. So when Peeta tells you Thresh’s picture is in the sky you ask if he can take the first watch and you cover your face with the sleeping bag until the tears stops falling. You have a feeling Peeta understands, but to what extent?

You’d woken up to the sound of the anthem. Peeta stroking your hair like you had done to him when he had been sick. You had to explain how you had worked with District 11. How Thresh moved you to a safe location after the tracker jackers, how you had helped fix his shoulder, how you’d gotten them both food and blew up the career’s supply, and the worst part…the part you didn’t want to ever discuss, Rue. Peeta had made a remark about how he must have felt like your alliance was still technically in place since Arioch and Clove had still been around. But you knew deep down, that it wasn’t about you, but Rue. The feast you had gotten for excitedly hugging Peeta and peppering his face with light kisses had suddenly turned to lead in your stomach. You had pretended to get caught up in the moment, and apparently, it had been enough for Haymitch to let you both eat real food while hiding in the downpour that had been happening the last couple of days.

Under the sleeping bag you think about anything besides your fallen allies. So you retrace the events leading up to the meal, the kisses, Peetas retelling of how he fell in love with you…well how he fell in love with Katniss. You had been friends with Katniss long ago, when you were both really young, and the memory albeit fuzzy was there of a young more cheerful Katniss telling you all about how she sang the valley song for her class. Then the mining incident happened, and the resentment that your father was one of the few to make it while hers was gone forever drove a divisible wedge. After that, it felt wrong to compare situations. Without your own father being able to work, you had lost him too. Pride had made him bitter and somewhat cruel, and he refused to work. Your mother was so focused on rehabilitating him, it fell on you to help your brothers. You remember how your father said nothing before you left, except to make himself seem like somewhat of a hero. You had once thought about how different you and Katniss had grown to get to the same indifference towards your parents. You could barely manage to be in the same room with your father while Katniss still held him in the highest regards, you at best felt pity for your mother for being tied to someone who believed he was better than everyone. Katniss for lack of better words, hated her mother for the abandonment. You were so similar you wished everyday you could restart the friendship you two had had long ago, you also wonder what she makes of this whole act and Peetas story that so clearly reference her. He was great at changing small details to make it plausible. You had just promised him that when you both made it out of there he could take you on an actual date, playing enough to keep the audience’s hopes up, well and Peeta kept poking fun at you saying he was planning on going all out when you got out. Regardless, you both played on this story and got the incredible food that you were trying to inhale before he looked outside the cave and saw Thresh’s picture in the sky.

Thresh. You should have told him about that extra backpack you’d hidden in the beginning of the game. Stopped him from taking Ariochs backpack. He was sure to have made Threshs death slow…and painful. You think about the last time you ever saw him he finally used your name. The capitol food threatens to make a reappearance. You give Peeta one of your knives, tell him to hide it in unless he absolutely needs it. He could train with the arrows tomorrow because honestly, you weren’t proving to be very good with it. You wonder if Katniss was irritated at how poorly you aimed, you wonder if she would train you on it when you got home. You wondered if you could be friends again. You focus on that instead of the sleep that’s eluding you again now that you’re thinking of Thresh’s murder. Now all you had was Cora and Arioch. Arioch you could handle, Cora…you remember how she almost agreed to be allies, and had least said you wouldn’t gun for each other.

Eventually, Peeta wakes you so you can keep watch. You comply soundlessly. You’re so thankful you aren’t alone anymore because really, you were barely making by before the rule change. You were tired of killing, you didn’t need anymore blood on your hands. Of course, this is the hunger games, and you knew that likely you wouldn’t have a choice.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Catos POV

Peeta had proven being kind could save your life in the game. You saw Y/n’s panic as she spun around expecting Peeta to have eaten those berries. Instead, they find the District 5 girl. Y/n cleans the berry stains from her mouth and hands, and closes her sunken, hollow eyes before trying to move Peeta along. He meanwhile, was waiting for the two of them to be able to eat together, really he’s quite lucky, most people would have snacked on the berries before meeting back up with an ally. His naivete, sparing him a quick death. She claimed she wanted to get some space before Arioch barreled through the woods but likely, she was uncomfortable with another dead tribute. She needed to compartmentalize. The capitol wouldn’t like how torn she seemed everytime a picture was shown in the sky.

You noticed Haymitch was all but telling her to accept Peetas affection. She seemed to be trying to suppress her attraction to the guy, but you were unsure how much of it was an act. It was clear the audience was going crazy over what they saw as fear of losing someone she was in love with. Fear of admitting something that was too good to be true. Their return would ensure the two of them would be forced to get into a relationship immediately. You wondered if they could keep up the whole pretense.

In the real world the victors we’re headed back to their respective floors for dinner. You and Enobaria went to the couch while Brutus went on about how Arioch would win out.

The temperature was dropping quickly too quickly. This was the finale. Everyone would have work off tomorrow throughout all of the districts. And Arioch now had the advantage of complete body armor. Seemed a little unfair but I guess it was two against one. Peeta was about as good as Glimmer with the bow and arrow. Y/N held Marvels spear as they headed to the cornucopia. The camera pans to Arioch confidently walking deeper into the forest where the girl from district five was picked up. He’d been hunting since brutally torturing Thresh in the downpour. The fight could go either way, but Arioch was going on pure rage and vengeance. He made the death painfully slow, making cuts that individually wouldn’t kill anyone. Thresh fought back well, the weapon and armor he had stolen came in handy. The rain however made it hard for him to see clearly and Arioch still had the glasses. You were somewhat surprised when Arioch didn’t scream his success after finishing him off.

The gamemakers has quieted the background noise they had going on. The snarling was unmistakable. You could hear whatever creature was back lick it’s lips as it growled in Ariochs direction. Muttations. Half wolf and half human like things that looked like… oh god. You turned to look at Enobaria, maybe you were wrong. Her scowl told you your suspicions were correct. She quickly stood up and retired to her room. The rest of your victors were silent, knowing how she felt about the mutts, about herself every day she woke up, every time she looked in the mirror. You wondered if she thought she was just like those mutts on the screen. You wished there was something you could say, anything to help. But words weren’t really your strong suit.

When you turn back to the screen Y/n and Peeta have heard Arioch and the mutts running towards them. She should have thrown her knife the second she saw enter the clearing. But she frozen. Utterly frozen at the giant creatures following him, figuring out exactly what they were. Who they were.

Peeta yanks y/ns arm. They barely managed to make it to the cornucopia without any injuries.

‘It’s them. All of them.’ Y/n whimpers as she fumbles to tie a bandage on Peetas once again, bloodied leg.

‘Are- are those their real eyes???’

You force yourself to look at the muttations a little more closely. The eyes definitely looked entirely too human. It was a sick thing to do to them. Even dead their bodies served the capitol. Always loyal to the capitol.

The hair on the wolves had different textures, the one who could only be Glimmer had blond shiny hair, the one with the number four had curly hair throughout his entire body. You refused to look at them any more. You looked up when you heard y/n scream out just to see Arioch yank her hair to throw her back on the floor. Peeta quickly tackles him, even injured it’s clear Peeta has experience fighting but he’s injure and Arioch quickly has him in a headlock. Y/n is already trying to figure out where to aim the spear.

‘Drop it or he dies.’

‘He dies and you come in second.’

‘Then I get one last kill.’

‘Yeah real impressive killing someone injured, but seeing as you couldn’t kill him the first time I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised you need to prove a point.’ She grinned, she was playing a dangerous game. Peeta was weakly clawing at Ariochs arm but the stalling could only go so far.

‘I was supposed to win. It should have been me or Clove..’

‘Come on Arioch, we all know I’m the one you have to beat. Look I’ll even go no weapons, no arrows, no spears, no knives.’ Arioch laughs at what seems is y/n signing Peetas death certificate.

It finally registers to Peeta what Y/n wants him to do. She sighs and pats her leg as she bends down, eyes on Arioch while she lays down the spear. Peeta manages to dig the knife y/n had told him to hide straight into Ariochs thigh.

He’s caught off guard and instinctively goes to remove the knife while screaming in pain. Y/ns gamble paid off, she throws her own knife towards his head. It nicks his already injured forehead sending a gush of blood down his face. The pause gives Peeta the room to push him off the cornucopia. Arioch isn’t one to go down easy, you think at the mutts that are way too excited to have him back down on the ground. Y/n rushes over to Oeeta cupping his face in her hands…

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah. Much better now.’ He pulls her in for an embrace they share until Ariochs screams begin cutting through the freezing air.

You find yourself holding your breath as they try to figure out how to help Arioch. Peetas convinced he would waste all of the arrows. Y/n is unsure without her knives but exasperated takes the bow and arrow from Peeta. And for the first time that you’ve seen in the arena, she hits her mark and the canon goes off.

‘That’s it! We did it!’ Peeta says through chattering teeth. Y/n collapses next to him and rests her head on his shoulder. Just like that the mutts disappear back into the woods. Y/ns eyes trained on the remaining wolves, saying goodbye to her friends one more time.

‘I can’t wait to go home.’

Peeta tries to cheer her up again, ‘you know what this means?’

‘What?’

‘You have to go on a date with me now. You promised.’

Y/n laughs, ‘you promised actually…but I’ll hold you to that.’ She lifts her and pulls his chin closer to hers and presses her lips firmly on his. His hands pull her closer before she pulls away. You find one of your nails has begun going back and forth on your skin, digging into it and leaving a large raw scratch in the palm of your hand. Some act.

Where’s the damn hovercraft? Hours go by and y/n and Peeta are forced to huddle together to try and preserve whatever body heat is left between the two of them. You go back to the viewing room where most of the victors are watching as intently as you plan to.

‘What’s taking so damn long?’ Y/n asks by the time the sun begins to rise again

‘Maybe we need to move away from the body. They probably still need to collect it.’ Already y/n has figured out what’s beginning to happen. She presses her lips together but nods.

‘Well then let’s move.’

They both move slowly. Probably as quick as their bodies can move after spending the night in freezing weather. They make it to the edge of the clearing, certainly farther than they were from the district five girl. When the hovercraft eventually grabs Ariochs bloodied body Claudine’s Templesmith’s voice echoes through the arena. You lean as close to the screen as you can just in case you miss anything.

‘Greetings to the final contestants of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games. The earlier revisions have been revoked. Closer examination of the rule book has disclosed that only one winner may be allowed. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor!’

Y/n closes her eyes and takes a deep breath knowing deep down this was coming. She looks at Peeta. Injured and takes a step back.

‘Dont y/n. One of us should go home.’

She shakes her head, ‘No.’

‘Y/n—‘

‘Peeta, I can’t. You could go and see—‘

‘Don’t be dumb y/n. I’m not going without you.’ She’s about to protest when he says, ‘that’s fine, you’ll outlast me anyway.’

He’s about to remove the bandage he has wrapped around his leg that’s already soaking through when y/n screams, ‘No! Just wait. Please.’

‘They have to have a winner y/n.’

That’s when she hatched the idea. ‘No. They don’t.’

She holds out the night lock berries. Peeta is about to protest when she tells him to trust her. They split the berries. Your throat is dry. You want to scream at both of them. Stop. Don’t give everything up now.

‘3.’

‘2.’

….

‘1’

They both have the berries on their lips when Claudius Templesmith comes back, frantic ‘Stop! Stop! Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the victors of the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games, Katniss Y/N L/N and Peeta Mellark! I give you the tributes of District Twelve!’

But while the announcement caused y/n to freeze, it caused Peeta to bite down. You could hear a pin drop in the room. Y/n spots the berries out and turns to Peeta excitedly, before she sees him try to open his mouth but fail as the night lock seizes his system and he collapses to the ground. Her moth drops and she’s frozen until the canon sounds one. Last. Time.

Haymitch smashes a glass across the room, “Damn it!” He storms out with Chaff following behind him.

‘No. No no no no. Peeta wake up.’ She falls to her knees and lifts his head on her lap, when he doesn’t respond she tries to shake his shoulders. ‘Peeta! Wake up, damn you! We just won. We’re supposed to go home. You owe me. You promised me! You said you would take me out so GET UP!’

She’s bawling by the time she gets out those last words. When the hovercraft comes for her and I guess Peeta as well she covers his body not making any effort to leave. You grimace, you know what happens when you don’t voluntarily go to the hovercraft.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen I am pleased to present the Victor of the 74th Hunger Games! Y/N L/N’

‘No! It’s both of us. Shut up!’ She screams as Peacekeepers descend from another hovercraft. She seems to be to busy rocking Peetas upper body gently alternating between telling him it’s okay to get up and begging him to open his eyes.

The peacekeepers each grab one of her arms and she goes feral; kicking and screaming protests, ‘No! LET ME GO! You can’t leave him please! No!’

You find yourself wanting to tell her it’s going to be okay. But you know that’s not entirely true. Still, you wish you could comfort her. The room is a mixture of mouths agape, people holding in their shock by covering their mouths, and looking at eachother with a look that can only be described as confusion. You all watch as her cries get quieter and quieter when another peacekeeper sedates her. And just like that her body ascends into the hovercraft, coming back to the Capitol.

That’s when it hits you. Y/ns coming back. And she’s going to have a whole new game to play.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Taglist: @chloe-skywalker @ietss @tomihoeka @chiimiki @akinatrix @inky-sun

#hunger games #catching fire #mockingjay #tbosas #the hunger games #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #hunger games cato #hunger games cato imagine #cato hunger games #cato x reader

182 notes · View notes

hiraeth-witch-11 · 1 year

Text

Bond To Happen Part 11

Part 11: What if I'm a Mistake?

Warnings: the reader has passive suicidal ideation, lots of big feelings from trauma, mention of SA, canon typical content

Word Count: 3500ish

“You slept in the same bed as Billy Russo and nothing happened?” Karen asks in blatant disbelief, fingers stilling in your hair. You roll your eyes at her from your spot on the couch, head resting in her lap.

“That is what I said, Kare, 3 times now, I think. He’s a good guy, he’s never made me uncomfortable and he respects my boundaries.” Your tone is a little defensive.

“I know, sweetie. Honestly, he’s surprised both me and Frank with how he is around you. I just meant you both obviously have some sort of connection and I thought being that close might be what changes things up a bit.”

You relax at her words. “I was so tired, I passed out pretty quickly. I was just grateful the thunder wasn’t as loud after I fell asleep.”

“And if you both had been more awake?” Her words make you think.

“I don’t know if I’m there yet, Kare,” you say softly. “It’s not like he’s even actually said anything to show he’s interested either. There would have to be so much talking to even start anything romantic or physical and I haven’t told him everything about my magic. It would be too complicated and I don’t even know where I would begin…”

“Do you want me to just listen or do you want my thoughts?”

“Thoughts,” you mumble, focusing on the show the two of you have on in the background.

“I think you’re focusing on the obstacles instead of deciding whether or not you want to try,” Karen says kindly.

“What would I do if I did decide?” You ask earnestly.

“I think you gotta pick first, babe,” she answers with a smile.

“Ughhh, why can’t things just be simple. It would be so much easier if I actually got a real amount of energy from you and the rest of the gang,” you groan.

“Me too, but at least it’s been helping a bit, right?”

You nod, unable to voice the lie. You did feel better around your friends, especially when touching them, but it didn’t last. Even when you had tried opening your connection to their auras and actively feeding from them, the results had been disappointing. The moment they left the room, your fatigue would come crashing back down on you. You still spent as much time with your found family as you could, but it was about as effective as taking ibuprofen for a stab wound. You didn’t want them to worry, though, so you didn’t say anything. You kept yourself from truly putting words to it, but you had pretty much resigned yourself to your eventual death. Anything you tried now felt like it would be useless. A flailing of limbs as you ran out of air. You didn’t want that. You just wanted to be with your friends until you couldn’t anymore.

Billy was a fantasy, a white knight you were starting to daydream about swooping in and fixing all your problems. But you don’t think even he can help you at this stage. You’d probably have to be attached at the hip 24/7 to make a difference in your health. To be honest, you’d lost pieces of your will to live steadily over the last few years. The first when your parents disowned you. Another when a blonde man slipped something into your drink, a choice that led to his death. You think the biggest part of you gave up that night in the rain, surrounded by the bodies of men who saw you as less than an animal.

******

The days following you and Russo’s rainstorm adventure, he made a point to check on you twice daily. Often through a text in the morning and evening, but it quickly evolved into more. Billy stopping by your office to chat or share food became a regular thing. If he came into the office with a coffee, he always had an extra for you. Frank complained about being left out anytime he noticed. Turns out, you were right, Russo had a sweet tooth, so you would frequently find a tart or donut or some obscure miniature dessert on your desk during the week.

Russo asked about your life, your family. A sore topic, it turns out, for both of you.

“They disowned me when I told them about all this,” You say, waving a hand and allowing a bit of your icy blue magic to be visible around the room.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Russo says earnestly.

“It is what it is. They told me I was as good as dead to them. They weren’t bad parents, though, so it was tough to accept they meant it. Up until they brought out the shotgun to make sure I moved all my shit out of their house. At least they waited until after undergrad to decide they hated ‘my kind’.” You leave out some details. Mainly that they called you a whore because of the details of your magic. At the time you thought you were some sort of succubus related witch. But you’d only ever had sex twice with a friend in college so you don’t think you can really claim either title.

“I grew up in foster care. Frank was the first family I ever had.” Billy admits after a few beats. His aura darkens at the memory, you can tell it’s painful for him, but the change in aura doesn’t feel uncomfortable for you like it should.

“Frank’s good people,” you say finally. “He’s a grumpy bastard, but he’s a real softie on the inside, I think, at least.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Billy laughs. “He’d pout for a week.”

“That is such a strange visual. Frank Castle pouting,” you snort, imagining it. “It’s weird to think that about this time 2 years ago, I didn’t have a single friend in the city and now I’ve got a whole little group. Never had that many people in my life before.”

“Surely you had friends in college?” Billy asks incredulously.

“Never more than two at a time, and most of them didn’t last long.” You shake your head. “It was okay though, I’ve always preferred the quiet.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt it then,” Billy says, jokingly moving to get up.

“No, no. You are a rare exception. Especially as talkative as you are,” you tease.

“Glad to hear you like me, sweetheart,” Billy says, smirking as he settles back into the chair.

“I didn’t say that.” You feel your cheeks warming and rush to turn the subject back to him. “What about you? I bet you had a bunch of friends through school. You seem like a popular guy.”

Russo shakes his head non committedly. “I was just another pretty face in highschool. Same for the Marines, at the beginning at least.”

You can sense a little bitterness around that word. Pretty. He didn’t like it. His whole aura tenses as he says it. It was something you’d suspected before, but his aura had never confirmed your suspicions until now.

“Well, you started your own company from the ground up and you do a lot of good with it. I would say you have progressed past being just a pretty face.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

******

“Hey, Blue. Any plans for the weekend?” Billy asks, leaning against your doorframe.

“I was planning to get drinks with Karen tonight, but she has to work late so I’m deciding whether or not I still want to go.” You rest backwards in your chair and interlace your fingers over your abdomen, twiddling your thumbs as you think.

“Alone?” Billy arches an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah. Unless you want to come?”

“I’d love to.” Billy smiles at your offer.

Looking back, you probably should have just gone alone. With Billy next to you, you don’t really want to feed. Or you want to feed from him too much and have decided it wouldn’t be fair to do that to a friend without them knowing about it. Instead of feeding, you enjoy a strawberry daiquiri and tease Billy over his choice in beer.

“I don’t need to try it to know it’s gross, Bill.”

“So you’re judgin’ me without having anythin’ to back yourself up?”

“Objectively, I know my drink tastes better.”

“That’s ‘cause it’s sweet, can you even call it a real drink, sweetheart?”

“It has twice as much alcohol as yours does, and it actually tastes good. I swear you and Frank drink that shit just because you’re ‘too manly’ for anything else.” You use air quotes around the words and take another sip. “Try it and tell me you still think yours is better.” You offer him your drink. He raises an eyebrow and swaps drinks with you.

“Only if you try mine.”

You make a face, “Fine.”

The two of you drink at the same time and you grimace. “Yup, I stand by my statement. All beer is gross.”

“Yours is better,” Billy nods, taking another sip.

“I told you so.”

He hums and goes in for a third sip.

“Hey, get your own,” you say as you swipe your drink back before he can drink anymore.

“Why would I do that when I can just steal yours?” Billy grins.

“Absolutely not, William. I will fight you for it.” You finish your drink and the two of you talk for another few minutes before you are ready to call it a night.

An obnoxiously loud chorus of laughter comes from a group across the room and you wince at the noise.

“If you don’t like crowds so much, why do you go out for drinks instead of stayin’ in?” Billy asks curiously as the two of you get up to walk home.

You shrug, “I can’t become a hermit, Bill.” And you have to at least try to feed sometimes.

“Well I’m happy to come with you anytime you want company.” He eyes the room with disdain. “Or a buffer.”

He holds the door open for you and the cool night air hits you as you laugh in response to his words, “A buffer from what?”

“You haven’t noticed all the guys starin’ at you that whole time?”

“Like in a ‘thinking of harvesting my organs for the black market’ way or a ‘there’s something on my face’ way?”

“In a ‘jealous that you have company already’ way.” Billy moves to the outer side of the sidewalk.

You give Billy an incredulous look of disbelief. “In that case, it was probably meant for you, not me.”

“Most of them aren’t my type, sweetheart.”

“Most of them aren’t my type either.”

“What is your type then?” Billy asks.

You are my type, your mind supplies unhelpfully. “I’m not even sure if I know anymore. Most often, it’s women.”

“‘Women’ is a pretty broad category.” Billy grins.

“There are a lot of gorgeous women in the world and they all look different, I happen to appreciate different types of beauty.”

“I hear that. And when it comes to men?”

“My type gets more specific with men. Not that I’ve even dated one in years.”

“That specific, huh?”

“Yup. They have to respect boundaries for one, which feels damn near impossible to find sometimes. I can’t date anyone who’s sexist or racist or homophobic or threatened by me.They gotta be able to communicate their feelings effectively. They have to understand my whole weirdness with touch. And that’s not even adding in if I find them physically attractive. What about you?”

“I thought my type was anything on two legs,” Billy jokes.

“Come on, it’s not fair if I’m the only one revealing all my secrets.”

“So your type is a secret.”

“It might be.”

“In that case,” Billy chuckles. “I like fiery women- and men occasionally.”

You try not to let your surprise show at the admission. Sure, he had hinted, but he’d never outright said anything.

“If we’re talkin’ more than just a passin’ thing, I guess I gotta lot of the more specific descriptions too. I’ve just never really gotten around to a real relationship and figurin’ all that out. Frank keeps tellin’ me ‘quality over quantity.’”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never had a real relationship either. The closest I got was pseudo-dating someone for a month in college. It ended when I started flinching anytime they touched me. That was when this whole thing really got started,” you explain gesturing to your temple. “It sucked ‘cause I really liked them.”

“I don’t really like touch all that much either,” Billy starts softly. “There was this guy at the group home. I must have been ten, eleven at the time. When a grown man tells you that you're pretty, you know nothing good is coming. Let's just say, I wasn't interested in the kind of games that he had in mind. So I went after him with the stickball bat. Caught him good a couple times, too. Then he broke my arm. Got pissed off, ripped my rotator cuff in three places.”

You don’t know what to say, don’t know what you can say.

Billy continues, “And the older I got, the prettier I got, and the more people wanted a piece of me in one way or another. When people want somethin’, they find a reason to grab it. Shit, you probably know what I mean better than most.”

You nod and look up at him as the two of you keep walking. “You didn’t deserve it, any of it, Billy.”

“Neither did you,” Billy insists, surprising you. You’d never told him what happened, never told anyone. Frank was the only one who you had even mentioned it to. You preferred to keep it buried. Maybe you’ve misread and he meant something else, but instinct tells you he knows, he sees you, he understands.

******

“It’s okay, Frank, it’s just a migraine. People get them all the time and still work,” you insist.

“How many days this month have you had a migraine this bad and still came in?” Frank asks, sounding pretty pissed at you. The lights in your office were as low as they could go and you had had an ice pack over your forehead when Frank came in unannounced as he had a bad habit of doing.

“I didn’t keep track. I don’t know why you’re upset, Frank, I’m getting my work done. This hasn’t affected the quality of my readings or reports.”

“Be straight with me, Blue. Are these migraines ‘cause of your magic?” He refuses to let you get out of this conversation with your excuses. The day or so after you’d returned from your trip with Billy, you had felt better than you had in months but that feeling quickly devolved into feeling worse. You’d had a taste of how good it could be and your magic was protesting. Even going out with him the other night was only a brief escape from the pain.

“Yes.”

“Shit, kid, I didn’t know things had gotten this bad. Does Bill know?”

“No and you won’t tell him. There’s nothing to be done and my job keeps me focused. I’ll tell him if it becomes a problem.” You keep your voice firm, trying to match Castle’s classic stubbornness. You didn’t want to bring Billy into all this, you don’t want him to worry.

“If you get any other symptoms. So much as a sniffle, you will tell one of us immediately. Tell me you understand,” he orders.

“I understand, Frank. I will, I promise.” You aren’t sure if it’s the truth.

Frank eyes you, as if he doesn’t quite believe you either. He eventually nods and leaves your office. Once he’s gone, you remove the ice pack from your face and sit up, reaching for your water bottle. Warmth trickles from your nose and you reach up to wipe it away absentmindedly, as if it’s an itch. You look down at your hand and assess the scarlet coating your skin.

“Fuck.”

******

You had a theory that Matt knew something more than he let on about your health. Sometimes he’d ask if you were okay, a deeper meaning in the words. Or he’d make a point to ask if you wanted to talk, if you needed any help. You didn’t realize how much his enhanced senses were picking up until he confronted you one night in the kitchen of his apartment while you helped clean up after game night.

“You aren’t okay, are you?” He states more than asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Matthew,” you reply coolly as you dry a dish.

“You’ve been brushing this off for too long, Blue, talk to me.”

“There’s no point, nothing is going to change this.” You gesture to your head, aura flashing.

“Bullshit. Have you even been trying? Have you looked for anything more concrete about your magic or your species?” Matt is struggling to keep from raising his voice in frustration.

“What is the point? I tried, but it didn't work. I gave up. There is no point in fighting anymore.” You aren’t as good at controlling your volume.

“The point,” he’s practically spitting in anger, “is that you have people who love you. You could have a good life. You just have to want it.”

“A life without real sleep? Without being able to sit in only my thoughts? Without any real chance of a life partner? In a country that’s would sooner collar me, or fucking burn me, than help me? What is the point, Matt?” You’re yelling now, tears slipping down your cheeks as you feel that quiet, ever present rage fill you. The rage of a queer person used to hearing slurs in hallways, bars, and family dinners. Of a woman who has been threatened and belittled and hurt by men who think they are owed something they choose to take. Of a witch who lost her family, her home, her dreams of the future, who was forced into becoming a survivor.

And with this, you begin to face some of the pain you have forced so deep down into your mind. Everything you were, everything you loved, has been taken from you piece by piece. Your family was your only constant growing up, you’d always struggled to make friends. Your parents took that from you in an instant. You thought you would find freedom in your travels, but all you received was hurt and hate from the strangers you encountered. You finally finally settle in a city where you begin to feel safe, and then your rights are slowly stripped away. You hadn’t wanted to be alive in a long time. Even with your friends, your pain still festered within you like an infection you refused to treat. Sometimes you think death would be easier than this. Anything would be easier than this.

“You deserve to live, Blue,” Matt says softly, voice thick with emotion.

“You don’t know that, Matt. You don’t know what I’ve done to stay alive this long,” you shake your head furiously.

“Have you ever purposely hurt someone innocent?”

“No, but I-”

“Then it doesn’t matter. Do you think Frank deserves to die for what he’s done?”

“No, but-”

“Then why would you?”

“What if I’m a mistake?” You voice a fear that has followed you for so long, you can’t remember a life without it. Something that started small, when no one wanted to play with you as a little kid and grew as disaster seemed to follow you everywhere. “What if I’m wrong and that’s why this happened? Maybe this is nature’s way of self correcting.”

“Someone as good as you, could never be wrong, Blue.”

You break down at that. Full, heaving sobs as you lean over the sink, face in your hands.

“Can I?” Matt asks and you nod, feeling his arms wrap around you.You turn and cry into his shoulder, venting emotion that you’ve tried so hard to avoid, and he lets you. Rubs your back gently and murmurs kind words into your hair. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

After a while, your sobs taper off, turning to heavy breathing interrupted with sniffles. You try to apologize for ruining Matt’s shirt, but he won’t let you.

“How long has that been building up?”

“A while,” you admit.

“I know I'm not one to talk about the whole, you know, sharing things and talking about feelings, but you know we’re here for you. Right?”

“I know, Matt.”

“I found some older stories and documents, Karen helped but I told her it was a surprise for you. They look promising, Can I send the info to you? Maybe you can look it over and see if anything clicks?” He explains once you’ve calmed down.

“Okay, I’ll give them a look,” you agree. You aren’t sure if your feelings about dying have changed much, but for Matt, for Karen and the rest of the people you’ve become so close with, for Billy, you can try.

Series List

If you want to be put on, or taken off my taglists, feel free to tell me!

Series Taglist: evyiione, @kayhi808, @ellooo0ooo, happydeanpotter, intothesoul

Billy Russo Taglist: @snowkestrel

Feedback is the spice of life and I appreciate any and all comments, questions, and thoughts.

#billy russo x reader #the punisher #fluff #witch!reader #angst #daredevil #frank castle #magic

29 notes · View notes

madamemedic · 1 year

Text

Room for One More? (Chapter One: Nat 20 on Unarmed Strike)

(This is a poly relationship with you, Eddie and Chrissy. Here's a quick list of what will change or stay the same.

1: No Upside Down

2: Jane gets legally adopted by Jim because Becky cannot look after her and Terry at the same time. So he adopts her.

3: Will does not get lost.

4: Bob is alive; he just doesn't date Joyce.

5: Barbara moves out of town to get better education choices.

6: Nancy cheats on Steve, but Steve finds out later. Nancy still ends up with Jonathan.

7: Star Mall is owned by a greedy company, no Russians; thus, it still stands, but Steve and Robin quit anyway.

8: Joyce and Hopper are newly dating.

9: No powers

10: Reader is 19

11: Nobody dies. Even Billy.

12: There is no papa.

That is it. Enjoy.)

Chrissy POV:

As far as Chrissy knew, her life was stagnant and, to be honest, boring. Every day was the same in the sleepy town of Hawkins, Indiana. Wake up, go to school, practice for cheer, go home, sleep and repeat. Chrissy was fed up with the days that seemed to drag on. However, it is always wasn't dull. There were times when two people made the day enjoyable despite not being involved.

It was Eddie Munson and (YFN) (YLN). Every lunchtime, you two arrive hand in hand. The love that even Chrissy could see when you looked at each other was something special. Jason never looked at her like that. It made Chrissy slightly ashamed, but in a way, she was jealous. You two were attached at the hip, where you saw one. The other was just a little behind. Today was no different.

"Look, it's the freak and the weirdo," Jason mutters to his jock friends as you and Eddie sit on the Hellfire table. The way you sat on Eddie's lap was casual like you two were sitting at home. Chrissy then saw Eddie's arm slink around your waist to slide your body closer to his. How could you two be nonchalant with your public displays of affection? Jason wasn't like that. Sure, if he caught anybody looking at Chrissy, he'd bark at them along the lines of 'hey, that's my girl, man' or 'quit staring at my girl.'

Chrissy was no longer interested in her food and couldn't help but watch you two. Eddie leans in to whisper in your ear. It must have been funny because you laughed and lightly tapped Eddie's arm.

"Gross, people like that need to be locked up in looney bins" Jason never held Chrissy close or told her jokes. In fact, Chrissy felt more like a trophy than a girlfriend at times. Of course, she could break up with him, but she didn't like being alone. So Chrissy sucked it up.

The jocks didn't seem to care that their words were mean and downright hurtful. Chrissy was damn sure that Jason was trying to provoke Eddie like always. He didn't always get what he wanted, but today, Jason hit a nerve.

"You got a problem, little boy?" Eddie calls over to her table. Now is where Eddie and Jason exchange insults; Chrissy thinks the whole ordeal was childish. So she usually ignored the talk between the two boys. That was until someone said her name.

"I would say that I feel sorry for your girlfriend having to date a freak like you, but she's like a weirdo like you two. A couple of circus clowns." Chrissy could see that comment got to Eddie since she saw his hand on your hip clench for a few seconds before relaxing.

"Oh, we freaky alright. I bet you don't stray from missionary because any other position scares you," Hellfire's table cheers.

"Damn, I feel sorry for Chrissy; bet never given her the big O; I bet Jason's a one-pump chump kind of guy. But, don't worry, Chrissy baby, if you want to experience a good time, you are more than welcome to come to me, baby, anytime." That's when Chrissy looked at you. You had the most salacious grin on your face, and Eddie looked like he was going to pass away with how hard he was laughing. But, on the other hand, Jason looked ready to burst from anger. Apart from Jason's table, the entire lunch room was laughing along, only fulling Jason's anger.

"Freak, you best put a muzzle on that bitch before I do", Jason had stood up. Chrissy could see that Jason was ready to start a fight.

"A bitch? Now listen here, daddy's trust fund baby. You even try to muzzle my girlfriend, and I'll fucking kick you and your friend's asses" Eddie had now, by the end of his sentence, walked over to the Jock table. This looked like it was going to end in a fight. Still, you had taken Eddie's hand and started to pull him away whilst saying, 'he isn't worth it' and 'Eddie, you can't afford to get another detention.'

"Yeah, that's right, get your bitch to defend you. Fucking slut" Now, up until he said that, you had almost got Eddie to go back to his table, but that's when you did a 180 and stormed over to Jason. His face was cocky, but not for long, as you punched Jason square in the face. There was a loud cracking noise as Jason fell to the floor, cupping his nose.

"FUCK, I THINK SHE BROKE MY GODDAMN NOSE" The room fell silent.

"TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN, AND I'LL BREAK MORE THAN JUST YOUR FUCKING NOSE", You spit at Jason. Chrissy was stunned. Sure there had been back and forths, but this was different. By the time she recovered, you and Eddie were gone. The room now was bustling with whispers as Chrissy had turned to Jason. His face was covered in his own blood... wait for a second; you really did end up breaking Jason's nose or what looked like it to Chrissy, but there was no time to ponder as Jason called for Chrissy to take him to the school nurse. Of course, Chrissy, the ever-doting girlfriend, helped her poor boyfriend to the infirmary. Despite Jason having the broken nose, Chrissy hoped you and Eddie got away safely. Maybe when the dust settled, Chrissy could find you to see if you were OK. But for now, she was stuck tilting Jason's head back to stop the bleeding.

(Hoi, you punched Jason, and now he has a broken nose. Rad. I hope you will leave feedback and enjoy your day or night)

#Eddie x reader x Chrissy #Chrissy x Reader x Eddie #eddie munson x Reader #chrissy cunningham x reader #hellcheer #ST AU #fem! reader #afab! Reader #bi! reader #bisexual reader #bi! chrissy cunningham #bisexual chrissy cunningham #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fanfics #reader insert

12 notes · View notes

focusandrelaxforme · 10 months

Text

Documenting My Subject's Hypno Slavery Journey (Part 11)

--------

After her trip away, we've spent some time getting her back into the swing of things.

She's still having trouble with swallowing cum, but we've managed to condition her into wanting it in her mouth, so I'm calling that progress.

I've found that the more aroused she is, the more receptive she becomes to conditioning. The main potential issue with this is that sometimes this becomes a state-dependent response, where she only really responds to the conditioning when she's aroused.

In light of that, I'm trying to keep a good mix of conditioning her in ways that aren't overtly sexual, such as her health/workout progress.

That said, since hypnosis itself and conditioning itself is a kink, there will always be some amount of arousal colouring everything. Moving forward, we're just going have to accept that she's going to be a bit horny all the time (just part of the sacrifices that we have to make).

--------

Dear Diary,

I haven't written for a while, but I am finally back from my trip and feeling less stressed. Master is trying to get me back into my normal routine now that I am home.. and I feel relieved to be back under more control. I don't realize how much I need it until it isn't there. I was a good girl on my trip and managed to keep up with my workouts for Master. I feel so accomplished. Tonight was my first one back at home and I did a very good job. Master has left my pussy wet and aching all day. I have wanted to touch myself so many times today. Thinking about how needy my poor clit is...and I can't even remember the last time I was able to play with it. I love feeling a little desperate and wanting to beg Master to let me play. It's embarrassing how much I wanted to play today.. I probably could have just rubbed myself against the corner of my bed or couch arm and came. Master went over my rules again today so I could get back into my daily rituals. I was reminded what I am allowed to remember and be aware of. I missed going deep for my Master. I needed it so much. Shortly after talking to Master, my husband came in to take a shower and I got down our child for a nap. I think I was casually speaking to him and offered him a blowjob. He eagerly accepted and pulled down his boxers for me. I began licking and sucking like I hadn't had his cock in years. It felt so good to obey and feel his cock in my mouth. I love being on my knees for my Master and getting any hole he chooses used. I was sucking my husbands cock so well that he was already ready to cum. He double checked that he was allowed to cum in my mouth and i told him yes and reminded him how much Master has trained me to want his cum. I sucked eagerly until my husband began to cum in my mouth. I involuntary gagged several times on his cum.. i don't think my mouth is used to the new instructions for Master yet.. but I managed to keep all the cum in my mouth and felt a deep rush of an orgasm flow through me. I felt so deep at that point. Just like I do now. I could barely move as I sat there on my knees with the cum dripping down my chin and my eyes closed. I wasn't about to swallow the cum. Because I was afraid I would gag more.. but the fact that I was able to keep it in my m9uth was a small miracle in itself. I then took a nice hot shower and brushed my teeth. Master instructed me to never remember giving my husband a blow job and to just go back to normal. I felt relaxed after my shower...but suddenly had a wave of nausea.. maybe from being so deep. I ate and felt much better. Anytime any kind of though that Master doesnt want me to know arises..it slips away so fast and leaves me feeling confused. I Felt so wet and excited all day.. my clit feels like it needs to be gently rubbed to a nice edge for my Master. He is going to let me fuck myself after this journal. And I cant wait for my orgasm. They are so much better with Masters control. I love obeying. And I feel so deep right now.. that I could almost fall asleep. I am floating on a cloud.

Xoxo the very eager , horny slave.

--------

#hypno girl #hypno journal #hypnokink #hypnotized girl #kittysub #hypnosis #irlhypnosis #hypnosub

5 notes · View notes

encantadocinco · 9 months

Text

Sneak preview for Chapter 11!!

“Roy, now!” Ricky shouted, orbing his opponent to Menudo.

“Leave it to me!” Roy yelled back, hurling a fire ball at their enemy. As the flames engulfed it, Charlie focused his powers.

“I’ll end this.” Charlie smirked.

There was a flash followed by a rain of white feathers descending on the boys as yet another training dummy was obliterated.

“We made pretty good time with that one.” Charlie commented, checking the stop watch he wore around his neck. “Still room for improvement, though.”

“I didn’t get to do anything, I could have slowed down time.” Ray pouted.

“Feels like time is moving slowly enough.” Miguel complained. “We’ve been at this for hours, let's call it a night.”

The other members mumbled their agreement from where they stood in the Menudo mansion’s private gym. The polished hardwood floor around them was littered with feathers and bits of destroyed training dummies.

“Yeah, I suppose that’s enough fight training for tonight.” Charlie conceded, wiping the sweat from his brow. The others sighed in relief and began leaving until Charlie called, “Ray, go get the portable stereo.”

“What for?”

“We’re going to rehearse our choreography for the new songs.”

“Again?” Ricky groaned.

“Charlie, we’re worn out.” Objected Miguel.

“And tired!” Roy snapped. “It’s nearly midnight, I wanna go to bed!”

“I’m hungry.” Ray folded his arms.

“You guys are a bunch of babies!” Charlie scolded them. “We’re making our North American debut in a few weeks time and I want to be ready!”

“Well, we should probably sleep and eat at some point before then.” Ricky mocked.

“Come on, this is the first time in months we haven’t been dealing with demons or vampires. I think we should take advantage of the lull in activity to really focus on our training.” Charlie argued. “But if you all would rather just lay around and stuff your faces, fine. Whatever.” Charlie threw his hands up in surrender and headed to the door, turning around part of the way and calling, “Just make sure you’re all up at six so we can get some rehearsal time in before our radio interview tomorrow. And study your English before you go to sleep.”

When Charlie was out of the room the others let out a breath of relief and turned to Miguel.

“He’s your best friend, can’t you talk to him?” Ray pleaded.

“I’ve tried, guys, but he’s really serious about this. When we leave Puerto Rico he wants us to be prepared. And he does kind of have a point. I mean, our last visits to New York weren’t exactly uneventful.”

“I guess you’re right. But Charlie’s pushing us all way too hard. I don’t think he’s taken a break since we’ve gotten back home.” Ricky shook his head. “He’s going to burn himself out.”

“If I don’t burn him up first.” Roy sneered.

Charlie sighed deeply as he let the steaming hot water run on his neck and down his back. Lately the shower was the only place Charlie was able to slow down and think. He had kept up a frantic pace since Menudo returned from New York, even Joselo had started encouraging him to relax a little, but anytime he tried the weight of his inactivity was smothering. When Charlie had first joined Menudo, he was told he had the strongest of the five powers and would be the leader of the group. But since then, they had lost two of their members and Charlie’s confidence in his ability to lead the group was severely shaken. He was determined not to lose another member and to be prepared in advance for any potential challenge they might face. Still, he had to admit this constant training and frantic pace were beginning to take a toll on him, physically and mentally. As Charlie rested his head against the shower wall under the soothing stream of hot water, he closed his heavy eyes and felt his mind begin to drift. He was jolted suddenly out of his thoughts by a sharp clanging of bells. After overcoming the initial shock that he had nearly fallen asleep standing up in the shower, Charlie realized what was happening and wrapped a towel around his waist, running out in to the hallway where he found the others boys in a state of confusion.

“What is that ungodly noise!?” Roy yelled, covering his ears.

“Burglar alarm.” Ricky shouted back.

“Stupid 20th century invention. I had just fallen asleep.” Roy griped.

“You mean somebody’s breaking in?” Ray asked, panic rising in his voice. “Like, a thief?”

“More like a demon.” Charlie answered, gritting his teeth. “Damn, I knew it’s been too quiet around here lately. I better put on some pants.”

He sprinted in to his bedroom and without bothering to turn on the light began digging through his wardrobe. Suddenly he became aware of an intense chill in the room. Flicking on a nearby lamp, the first thing Charlie noticed was his wide-open window, curtains billowing in the cold nighttime breeze. He knew that window had been closed before he took his shower. Glancing around, nothing seemed in disarray but he could feel that someone, or something, had just been in this room. Charlie nearly jumped out of his skin at the touch of a hand on his bare shoulder. Turning he saw Miguel behind him.

“Damn, you scared the shit out of me.” Charlie grabbed his heart. “Did you guys find the demon?”

“Demon? No, but Joselo did find a gap in the fence where someone cut through it. And then there’s that.” Miguel pointed at Charlie’s window and Charlie went to investigate. He looked out and saw a ladder was leaning against the wall under his windowsill.

“That’s the ladder from our tool shed. And the alarm was triggered from your window being forced open.”

“Does Joselo know what kind of demon might have done this?”

Miguel laughed. “Just a burglar, probably. Something for the police to worry about, not us.”

“I don’t know.” Charlie narrowed his eyes as he looked around his room and out at the yard. “Something doesn’t add up.”

“That’s because you’re still in battle mode from all that training today. We live in a big house, someone tried to rob it. These things happen. Joselo called the police and they’ll deal with it.” Miguel shrugged. “Get some sleep. Good night.”

As Miguel left a realization hit Charlie and he chased Miguel in to the hall.

“Miguel, wait! You said that’s the ladder from the tool shed, right?”

Miguel stared at him blankly. “Yeah?”

“The took shed is on the other side of the house. Why didn’t they break in to one of the windows close by? They dragged that ladder all the way across the yard to get to my window.”

Miguel blinked in surprise as he took this in. “Yeah, that is weird. Almost like you were being targeted.”

“Mmhm. Targeted because I’m the group leader and I have the strongest power. I’m telling you, this is demon activity.”

Despite the fact that he was apparently being targeted, Miguel couldn’t help but notice the smile on Charlie’s face at his feeling of being right. Seeing that Miguel didn’t look entirely convinced, Charlie continued.

“I know how we can find out for sure. You could touch the ladder or the window ledge and try to get a vision off of it like you did with the shirt button we took from the vampires.”

Miguel shrugged. “Well, okay, if it’ll make you feel better I’ll try.” Rolling up his sleeves and squinting shut his eyes in intense focus, Miguel began running his hands along Charlie’s window and the ladder underneath it. Charlie watched Miguel continue this way for a few minutes until some of the concentration fell from his face. “Nope.” Miguel started to say. “No, I don’t think anything is…” Suddenly he spaced out in a deep vision, his hand still on the window. After a moment Miguel jolted back to reality.

“Well?” Charlie prodded.

“Woah.” Miguel steadied himself and caught his breath, then smiled. “Hey! I didn’t get a headache this time like I did when I first intentionally summoned a vision!”

“See why I keep bugging you guys to train your powers? I was right, they’re getting stronger.” Charlie boasted. “And I bet I was right about the demon too, huh?”

“I don’t know, it looked human to me. I didn’t see much though. It was dark and whoever, or whatever, it was had on all black. Something did stick out to me, though.” Miguel admitted.

“What?”

“Well the person, if it was a person, looked to be about our age. They were the same height and size as we are.”

“So were the vampires.” Charlie pointed out. “What exactly did you see?”

“The security alarm went off as soon as the person got in your room. They left right away, but first they opened your nightstand drawer and… well, I’m sorry to tell you this but they stole your diary, Charlie.”

“Diary?” Charlie scoffed. “Miguel, I don’t have a diary. I’m not a girl.”

“I keep a diary.” Miguel pouted. “Well, they stole a book from your nightstand, whatever it was.”

Charlie opened the drawer and looked in. “Oh,” he sighed. “That was just my day planner.”

“Was there anything important in it? Stuff you don’t want anyone else to know?”

“Nah. Just random crap I need to remember.” Charlie started. Miguel was relieved until he saw a look of dread spread across Charlie’s face as he continued talking. “Like… our schedule for the next three months, the security code for the gates and…”

“And?” Miguel prodded anxiously.

Charlie gave him a weary, apologetic smile. “The detailed progress reports I’ve been keeping on how you and the other members are coming along in your magical training.”

2 notes · View notes

solarsavoy · 2 years

Note

All the flavors for Deshi? I like their vibe

Whee!! Thanks for asking! ^^ (PS, I hope you like the ask game. I made sure all the questions could be used as headcanons because I was thinking of you when I wrote it.)

Link to ask.

1 – Favorite color?

Red. It demands attention and only the cool people can pull it off. (Deshi's reasoning.)

2 – Hobbies?

Videogames. He's always wanted to start cosplaying, but is bad at crafts and limits himself to buying the right things instead of making them. Loves anime. Prefers RPGs.

3 – What are their strengths?

He doesn't know until stuff happens, but he has surprisingly good fighting instincts. He's creative in his approach and finds unique ways around things when he puts effort into it.

4 – What are their weaknesses?

He doesn't pay attention to things. He is a notorious avoider. Leans towards inaction, even in serious circumstances. Very hard on himself. (More on that in the damage section.)

5 – Favorite food(s)?

None in particular. He just likes food.

6 – Least favorite food(s)?

He hasn't found any yet, but as for Theran food, he doesn't want to know how it's made or where it comes from. It's very off-putting.

7 – What would be their dream job?

Professional cosplayer, professional gamer, online persona.

8 – What is their DND alignment?

Neutral Lawful with good tendencies and ideals.

9 – What is their hidden talent?

Fast learner. (I didn't have an answer in mind when I came up with this question...)

10 – List a personality quirk of this person.

He's naturally curious and if he's with the right person, or alone, he will "fuck around and find out" even if it's potentially dangerous.

11 – List something strange/weird/unexpected about this character that their loved ones probably don’t know about them.

The cosplaying thing. He has told no one and does it in secret. He's always looking for the right jacket or pants or boots online though.

12 – What is their complex? (Sister, inferiority, etc) Explain.

Inferiority complex. (More on that in the damage section.)

13 – What is their main sin of the seven deadly ones?

Sloth. It's less about being lazy and more about wanting others to take care of things or figure it out. If someone needs an ambulance, he's not the one to call 911. He doesn't volunteer. It doesn't help that he's afraid to mess up, and he actually isn't lazy when it comes down to it, but he would almost always prefer to stay still and let the world happen around him.

14 – How would they be as a parent?

He would be terrified every second, but he would put extra care into making sure the kids know they are capable and strong and enough because that reassurance was always something he lacked growing up. He's also the type to say "I dunno, ask your mom" because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and upset her.

15 – What is their main love language?

Quality time. The more time he spends with someone, the closer he'll feel. On the other side, the more time someone demands of him, the more resentful he'll feel. His favorite is quality alone time.

16 – How do they act around a crush?

A lot of blushing. A lot of avoiding. He'd probably be the type to worship items the person touched like if they picked up his pencil for him or handing him his notebook, Deshi would never use it again and keep it in a secret box for eternity.

17 – How do they act when they are in love?

Pre-relationship: Multiple attempts to communicate or ask them out, but he'd fumble a lot. He would volunteer his time just to be near them, even if he hates the thing he's volunteering for. Constantly looking for things to talk to them about.

In a relationship: He would be there for anything at anytime. He'd talk to them all the time, want to be around them, even if they're doing separate things. He'd try to do all the work to set up a date to ensure the best time so the person doesn't have to think or work or anything. He doesn't always succeed, but he always tries.

18 – How would they react to a confession of love?

Girl: He'd freeze. I don't think he'd be capable of moving for the next twenty-four hours. His mind would be running a million miles a minute and he'd question over and over again if that really happened. It would probably break him.

Guy: "I'm not into guys." In a bland voice, then turn around and walk away and obsess over whether or not he gives off those vibes that he's not straight.

19 – How do they show their love/affection?

Loves cuddles! (But he doesn't know that yet.) Loves kisses and cuddles and being around them. It's the only time he's really touchy-feely. It's like he can never get close enough.

20 – What is their idea of a good time?

A night in with no plans and no people, except their significant other. They make dinner, watch a movie, game out until 2 in the morning, and then fall asleep on the couch. He could do this every night until he dies and never get tired of it.

21 – Describe their ideal date.

He would be cool and suave and have everything planned. His date would have want for nothing and then compliment him on how easy it is to be around him. He would find some personal meal like a fancy private room at a restaurant or a picnic out in a park or on the beach where no one else is around. He'd spend time watching the sky and talking about life and listening to their dreams and hopes as though they have all the time in the world. Then he'd man up, take the girl home, and kiss her goodnight. On the lips. Ideally, he would lead the whole thing. (However, it rarely works out that smoothly. 😅)

22 – How do they handle drama?

He avoids it. Even if he's the center of it, he just doesn't talk about it, doesn't bring it up, and obsesses over it in his head, but he does not engage. If it's bad enough, he will secretly wish doom upon them. However, if the person antagonizes him enough or catches him at the right moment, Deshi will say something snarky and fight about it and wish he'd never engaged and swear he never will again. He's very reactionary, so it depends a lot on the other person.

23 – What is their sexual preference/sexuality?

Straight and he's demisexual.

24 – What is their BDSM tag? (Brat, sub, Master, vanilla, etc)

I took the BDSM test for him and surprisingly, sub outranked vanilla by a fair amount. All the rest were zero though. So he's not too kinky, but definitely prefers the other person to have control.

25 – What is their phobia or greatest fear?

Failure. That he'll mess up something big. It's different if he doesn't even try and there's a bad outcome. His fear is trying and failing anyway. He already thinks he's not enough. (See below.)

26 – What is their emotional damage?

When he was eight, his dad disappeared and his mom had just had his baby sister and was a complete wreck. Wanting to help her, he became the "man of the house", thinking it was temporary and that Daddy would come back. But he didn't. He doesn't entirely blame his mom, but she relied on him for more than he could do at the time. He took care of his sister, bathed her, fed her, all sorts of things. He grew up too early. When he realized no one was coming to help, he started feeling the pressure and looking up things that a "man" was. This gave his a severe case of toxic masculinity as he's on the thinner side and weak, but also because he's a kid, he's incapable and limited. He internalizes most of this, for his family, but it's eaten him up enough that he's extremely bitter about things. He doesn't want to do things unless he has to, and his sister grew up to hate him, so he doesn't want to fuck anything else up either. Sometimes, he wishes he could just disappear and no one miss him.

27 – How do they handle emotional pain?

Internalizes to the point of breaking. If broken, he is prone to random emotional outbursts of anger and will not hesitant to bite the hand of the people he cares for most. He shuts everyone out and will wither away and die inside.

28 – How do they handle physical pain?

He's never broken anything, so he freaks the fuck out. He's kind of a wimp, but he doesn't say anything and just freezes while overthinking things, including "would a real man treat this as nothing? But it doesn't feel like nothing. Daaaah, it hurts!" He might clench his teeth or bite his shirt to refrain from screaming/crying.

29 – What would bring them to kill someone?

First off, it would take a lot of character building since he's prone to inaction. If it was enough to get him to react, it's a feat, but then it would have to be something that "fixes the problem". He wouldn't want to kill anyone unless he absolutely had to and no one else could do it, and it was the right thing to do, and it would have a good outcome from the person's death, etc, etc.

30 – How would they react or change after they’ve killed someone?

He'd probably cut himself off emotionally. It'd eat him up inside, and he'd justify it over and over, but he'd still think about it. He'd probably have nightmares. He'd probably feel guilt, even if it was the right thing to do and only he could do it. It would haunt him forever, but he'd never talk about it. Not to anyone. Ever.

Thanks for the ask! I hope you enjoyed it. ^^

#Deshi Gushiken #Krystar #solarsavoyasks #original character #in depth analysis #i love him

8 notes · View notes

tartanblogger · 1 month

Text

WHO IS TARTAN COMPOSER?

THREE BIG DISAPPOINTMENTS IN MY LIFE

#1 Missing out in Hull (England) on a tea-chest chock full of toy soldiers, tanks, aeroplanes etc (all made by Airfix). A young lad, a neighbour next door beat me to the path of a lady who beckoned us down to the back yard...oh well, ho hum!

DISAPPOINTMENT NUMBER 2

#2 Again in Hull, out with my older brother who lived there at the time. I spotted a toyshop and in the window was a model kit of the (at the time) famous children’s TV series by Gerry Anderson (God blesss ‘im!) FOREBALL XL5!!! I couldn’t believe it. Anyway, after much annoying coaxing and pleading, my brother bought it for me...great so far!

HERE COMES THE DISAPPOINTMENT!

At home I eagerly opened the FIREBALL XL5 space rocket model box and searched for the crew, Steve Zodiac, Robert the robot and the lovely Venus. to my utter dismay, disbelief and chagrin, was a plastic parachutist soldier with an attached colored plastic parachute and NOT the XL5 crew!

MISREPRESENTATION, BIG STYLE!

Talk about the trade description act! On the box lid was a full size, full colour version of the rocket with the crew, hurtling through space. In actual fact, the rocket was rather dull looking, plain grey plastic with transfers (decals) that needing soaking in water and then stuck on to embellish the rocket. ah, c’est la vie!

#3 I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED MUSIC!

The Royal Scottish Academy of Music & Drama was t’THE’ place to go in Scotland to study music and the arts. It was akin to RADA and the London School of Music! My big mistake and regret was I plumped for THEOLOGY instead of music??? However, I gained my degree and took up teacher training at the famous Jordanhill campus and therefore qualified as a teacher in RMPS (Religious, Moral and Philosophical Studies).

I always had a talent for music and it was not until years later, that I was in work and attended a local church, only to find out one of the parishioners was in fact the HEAD OF MUSIC COMPOSITION in the RSAMD at the time! I got to talking to him and told him of my compositions, songs tunes etc and he said post them to me at the RSAMD, which I did within a week or so, I received a reply saying how he had listened to the material and he felt I had a natural bent and talent for composition and encouraged me to take up the course.

All said and done, by that I had a family to feed and had to work full time and even now I could kick myself for missing out on what could have opened alot of doors of opportunity to me. However, I had to become an auto-didact, learning from countless books and CDs...now of course You Tube has a load of instructional videos, but then, there was no private turtors in composition, which was my forte. I’m still learning but it hasn’t stopped me from producing various orchestral/other genre works. The learning is my passion, as is creating music.

Feel free to hit me up for a chat anytime. TC.

#tartancomposer #music composition #classical music #beinga composer #missed opportunities

0 notes

momoffdrugs · 6 months

Text

11/15/2023 3:30 AM

i was sexually assaulted by another woman.

an experience i filed into a neat little folder, packed into a box, and pushed into the back of my mind to help me through the rest of my pregnancy.

and i always downplayed it. “no it’s not a big deal” “it’s ok i forgot about it” “im not really sure if it was rape” “she didn’t mean it she was dunk”

but it fucked me up. so bad. to the point where i haven’t enjoyed sex in over two years.

and it’s something i am trying to process whenever i can mentally handle it, and ready to open the box, folder, closet.

well here it is.

amber,

you were my friend, i listened to you, you listened to me. we talked about our despair, our serenity in sobriety. we went to meetings together, talked about god, talked about being mothers. i was new, you had already been around the block with a lot of things. i had a little crush on you, because i loved your confidence. you weren’t afraid to say what you wanted, liked. you weren’t afraid to be honest. you were really cool to me in a time where i felt alone and scared. so when you called me when you were supposed to be on your way to georgia, drunk, crying, telling me you were let go of the program, i was concerned for you, and wanted to help you in anyway i could. i told you to come back to the apartment and i would help you figure it out. except when you finally did come back to the apartment you were completely drunk, and aggressively angry. at the whole world. and i wanted to help you. and i just remembered this, you and ben talked, and you tried to fuck him and he put you down, and when you came back you were even more upset. our RA tried to help you into bed, and when she went in with you, she came back out shortly after and asked me to help you instead. so i did, and you grabbed me, kissed me, and i said amber you’re too drunk to know what you’re doing, but you insisted, and put my hand down your pants. and at first i tried to roll with it, maybe i wanted this? but no, this isn’t what i wanted, and i told you no, and you didn’t care. and you weren’t just going to let someone reject you again right? so you shoved your hand down my pants and touched me without my permission. tried to rip my shirt open, and when i stood up, you tackled me onto the bed. and we physically fought back and forth between both of the beds in your room. and up until this point, in anytime i was ever assaulted, after the first couple times of no, i would accept it, and just lay there. because i knew at some point it would be over and i could just leave. but this time was different, i had a reason to fight back, it wasn’t about me, it was about my baby. it was about keeping us safe. so i fought back with everything i had. and eventually made it out. i was crying, locked myself in the bathroom until i heard you leave. then i went down to the office to call my parents to get me. didn’t even care about the police, just wanted to be rid of everything. go home, be safe. only to find out you, amber, inappropriately touched the RA when she tried putting you to bed. and that shit rocked my world. why would she just leave me there alone in that situation, there, with you? i felt so pissed off, and let down by the women around me. you hurt me, in so many ways. many ways which effect me to this day STILL. and you know what? i thought blocking you out, numbing myself from these thoughts, this event, would make me better. because it’s all about what you give power right? but these things have come to haunt me years later. i don’t think i’ve ever actually recovered, because i never truly grieved what you did to me. you killed a part of me that day. a woman, who was my friend, completely betrayed my trust, and hurt me in the most insanely devastating way. how could you do that to me and my child?

and i didn’t want to press charges, i just wanted it to be over. never wanted to think about it again.

i went to the hospital the next day, had tests done to see if my baby was okay, because of all the stress the night before caused. and she was fine. i was fine. had to do a rape kit, talk to a rape counselor. an entire ordeal. which is the WORSTTTT. like literally so traumatizing. the worst part about getting raped is going to the hospital and retelling your story every fifteen minutes to various people and then getting std tests, asking them to test you for herpes and they reject you. then the daunting question of are you reporting the incident? why not? don’t you want to prevent more victims?

but why retraumatize myself and go thru that whole ordeal? never seemed worth it to me.

so when i heard you got arrested for DUIs in three separate states on your way back to georgia i smiled. because i knew you were going back to prison. and i knew you would have to spend time away with no physical freedom. up until right now, i hadn’t thought that maybe you sat there and maybe felt bad for what you did to me. say to yourself and thought maybe i did something wrong to this pregnant girl. have you thought about how your actions killed a part of me?

nobody understood why i got back on drugs after my baby was born, not even me.

but in retrospect it makes sense.

i was assaulted by you. and you killed a part of me.

and i haven’t been able to get past it.

i thought i did, but i realized im more hurt than i originally thought.

you took away my ability to connect with someone during sex.

i now have to be drunk to feel comfortable enough to kiss someone. and i am put into fight or flight mode when someone touches me without my given permission.

you took away connection from me. physical intimacy.

and for that, i hate you.

i don’t know how to undo this, i don’t know how to move past it.

i can’t afford therapy. trauma therapy.

i know you’re out now, and i really don’t want you to prosper. i hate what you took from me.

i’m not allowing you to take up this negative energy in my life, but you took it.

i’m trying to grow, and you’re stunting my growth.

fuck you amber. i fucking hate you.

#journal #trauma #sad thoughts #drug rehab

0 notes

worldismyne · 1 year

Text

The Longest Sleepover Ch 11

Summary: The first year of school did not go as planned for Harv and he’s never felt more alone. That is, until a loud kid from the saga studies course decides they’re best friends now.

(Year 1 AU, Harv deals with homophobia, Finn is oblivious.)

Series: Warrior U

Pairing: HarvFinn

Rating: T

Ao3 Link

"You can do this." Harv said. He stared himself down in the mirror, trying his best to not to feel silly. "It doesn't matter if you run into someone you know, you're allowed to be there." These exercises were supposedly helpful, but anytime he did them, he felt anxious someone might overhear him talking to himself. He knew he couldn't do his job and hide from the outside world at the same time. Finn wanted to check out the summer harvest festival today, and if Finn went, Harv had to follow.

The clothes Emet made for Harv still felt like a costume to him at times. The black leather armor pieces were more decorative than functional, and the furs added to the unnecessary embellishments. It was, however, more comfortable than the ridiculous tunic Finn had forced him to wear for the opera.

With each passing day the burden of being away from home had lessened, if only slightly. Having a job helped, even if the things asked of him were odd. He tried not to think about what the spell components he gathered were for, or how Finn's chores had slowly become his. At least this way he didn't feel like he'd end up back on the street for being an inconvenience.

"Harvey, open up." There was a banging on the upstairs bathroom door. "Or at the very least hand me the hairspray." Finn opened the door before Harv could object, his blond bangs half obscuring his vision. He blindly pawed around for a comb. "Usually you get ready so fast, what's the matter?" Harv traded spots with Finn and caught the comb just as Finn discarded it for some magic in a can.

"Nothing."

"You know I can tell when you're lying." Finn said in sing-song.

"Then you know I don't want to talk about it." Harv rolled his eyes. Finn sprayed his hair and held the curls in place while the potion dried.

"Is this keep me distracted 'nothing' or a let me be 'nothing'? You know I have trouble telling the difference." Finn said. He glanced over at Harv as he adjusted his armor for the sixth time.

"Distracted, unless..." Harv sighed, sensing Finn's mischievous grin rather than seeing it. "Unless Trevor tries to talk to me."

"Finally going to acknowledge the poor soul?" Finn said, feeling quite smug that his pestering had a hand in Harv's decision.

"Maybe, I don't know. It depends. I'm not chasing him down, if that's what you're thinking." Finn brushed past him to find his wrist length gloves.

"Oh no, of course not, wouldn't want to look desperate or anything." Finn half teased. Harv glared at him weakly.

"Is this your idea of helping?"

"I thought you didn't want my help." Finn collected the last of his things and went down stairs.

"I don't." Harv paused at the top of the stairs. "But, uh, it wouldn't hurt to stay close. Just in case." He hurried after Finn, if nothing else to focus on something other than the many ways today could go wrong.

-----

They had missed the church blessing, the first loaf of bread of the year. Finn was too afraid to set foot near the church, apparently one too many a person had told him he'd burst into flames should he come in contact with sacred ground. Which, at the end of the day, Harv wasn't too keen to show his face there himself. He had hoped to overhear who got the honor of baking the first loaf. It was something his mother had been working toward for years now.

Skipping the service had afforded them a first look at the festival decorations. It was humbler than Finn had hoped, all-natural greenery and sticks fashioned together with twine. The inedible leftovers from the haying had been gathered in the center of town to fuel the night's bonfire, an impressive tower of drybrush considering last year's prediction for the harvest.

"I don't get it." Finn sighed. "What's so exciting about a pile of hay?"

"A bigger harvest means fatter animals." Harv said with a smile. "The bigger the bonfire, the less misfortune the coming year."

"Sounds like a bunch of fiction to me." Finn shook his head. "At least the fire will be pretty." He dragged Harv to the various stalls local vendors had set up. Some had little games of chance, others had little treats or rare items on display. After the service let out, people trickled into the streets and it was easier to blend in the crowd. Performers took to their posts, competing for the money and attention of festival goers.

Finn was plenty satisfied with his caramel apple and heckling other musicians under his breath, but he was more than happy to pay to watch Harv try his hand at the games. Most of them were rigged or had to be played a certain way, but when it came to feats of strength Harv came out on top. Without even trying he'd broken a high striker, and Finn couldn't help but cackle at the game runner's misfortune.

"They'll put hay in just about anything won't they?" Finn said as he watched a covered cart trot by with hay falling out of the back end. "That's about the only thing we haven't tried, let's go." He tugged on Harv's arm, but the warrior remained rooted.

"Finn, that's for couples." Harv said.

"Don't be ridiculous, it says right there on the sign ages five and up." Finn crossed his arms and waited for Harv to admit he was right.

"Do you see any children in that line?" Harv looked away. "It's the only place in the festival you can be kind of alone. Just, trust me, okay?" Finn looked at the line of young couples eagerly chatting with their partner as they waited for the cart to come back.

"Just because couples like to go on it, doesn't mean we can't-"

"I'm not going." Harv turned to walk away, knowing full well he couldn't win a battle of words with the bard. "Go by yourself if you want to go so bad."

"Fine, maybe I will!" Finn stood rooted in the line with his arms crossed, but Harv didn't turn around. As much as he didn't want to go alone, now he was committed to his word. He could only imagine how boring this festival would be for Harv while he was waiting for Finn to get off the ride. That alone gave him a little comfort.

------

Harv had kept the hayride line in the corner of his eye until Finn got on, spending his time mindlessly looking at nearby stalls. Of course, he'd already seen them all, but there wasn't much else to do. As much as he'd like to get something for his friends or brothers, nothing really stuck out to him. The best he could do was the silly straw doll he'd won at the high striker.

"Harv?" Harv's heart caught in his throat. "Wow, nice clothes. It's good to see you doing better. I was pretty worried." Trevor said. His taller friend smiled patiently at him as he fumbled for the goofy looking prize he'd won and shoved it into the empty air in front of him. "For me? Thanks!"

"I'm sorry..." Harv began. Everything he'd planned to say was quickly forgotten.

"What are you sorry for?" Trevor ruffled Harv's hair. "I know it wasn't your fault." Harv grabbed Trevor's hand before he could take it away.

"I..." He could hear the dull hum of other people's voices, feel every stray glance from a passerby. But if he didn't say anything now, he knew he'd kick himself for a week at least. "I like you." He squeezed Trevor's hand. "So... it kinda is... I mean..." He let go of Trevor's hand and hid his face in his hands.

"...How long were you planning on staying at the festival?" Harv peaked through his fingers at his crush. Trevor was awkwardly shuffling his feet and looking away, his face was flushed. "The bonfire's soon, we could um... we could get a spot."

"That'd be great!" Harv dropped his hands. "But, I promised Finn we'd go together. He's on the silly kiddy ride, but when he gets back we could meet up with you."

"That's okay..." Trevor sighed. "Another time maybe?"

"Yeah, of course." Harv backed away awkwardly. He didn't really want to go, but he thought he'd seen Finn get off the ride. "I'll call you." He waved goodbye, waiting until Trevor returned to Cliff and the others before hunting down Finn. He found the bard dumping the rest of his caramel apple in the trash.

"Good, you're here." Finn said quickly. "We have to go."

"Go?" Harv followed Finn as he weaved through the crowd, peeking up his head every so often to check if Harv was still there. "Wait, like go go? I thought we were going to watch the bonfire. What happened?"

"It was awful, just like you said. Only you left the part out where you have to share the cart with other people." Finn shuddered. "If that wasn't enough, Darren was in line with his little paramour and I may have exaggerated how awful it was when scolding the people I was forced to ride with. She overheard and slapped him."

"Who slapped who?" Harv asked.

"Darren's date; she slapped him and stormed off, but it wasn't my fault." Finn sharply turned down a different row of stalls. "He has a very slappable face. It was funny until he decided I did it on purpose." He waited as two knights stormed past in the direction they thought Finn had run off in. Finn glanced up at Harv, who despite the dire situation couldn't stop smiling. "Is my potential death that amusing to you?"

"No, sorry, I think Trevor tried to ask me out; but this is more important." Harv covered his mouth and tried to look pensive. "I'm taking this seriously, I swear."

"What do you mean 'tried'?" Finn practically shook him. "You need to tell me everything, but maybe not where Darren's on the warpath."

"Forget about Darren, do you want to go to the bonfire?" Harv brushed Finn's hands off.

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then we're going." Harv meandered out into the main walkway. Finn stayed in the secluded part of the fairground and motioned for Harv to do the same.

"Harvey, have you lost your mind?"

"What's he going to do, really? Yell at us a whole bunch?" Harv shrugged. "This is a public event, we're allowed to be here." The sun was starting to dip below the horizon, bathing the fairground in red and purple. "We can leave early if you want, but you should at least get to see them light it."

Maybe he was letting not getting rejected go to his head a little, but Harv wasn't going to let some jerk spoil their fun. Both of them should get to leave the festival on a high note. Finn slowly peeled himself away from the shadows to where Harv was standing.

"Alright, we can stay, but just to see what all the fuss is about, then we leave."

"I know just the place."

-----

The rooftop of the tailor's guild was slightly easier to get to than the tops of the bergamot trees, but Finn felt just as uneasy about being up there. Harv dragged a few old crates out of the shadows and gestured for Finn to take a seat. Finn eyed the worn wood with caution as he gingerly sat next to Harv. One stray splinter could tear his stockings or pierce the skin, but Harv couldn't care less. A stiff breeze tugged at Finn's hair and he pulled his arms in close, still warmed by the lingering daylight.

The townspeople were the size of fleece dolls from where they sat, milling about toward the unlit bonfire with anticipation. The sights and sounds were more bearable here, merely a dull nod to the senses. One by one, the shop keeps lit their lanterns, a winding snake of light slowly blinking to life under the setting sun.

"It's all the same fire." Harv said, leaning in so Finn could find where he was pointing to. "Someone in the church has been nursing a flame from the new year, and they use that to light the festival. Then, once the flame makes it to the bonfire, they'll let it burn out."

"What happens if it goes out before then?" Finn asked. Someone almost fumbled the torch, but was able to protect the flame from the wind long enough to reach the hay bail.

"Bad luck I suppose." Harv shrugged. "It's the thought that counts more than the actual fire. It's supposed to represent the town making it through another winter." Finn hummed in response, watching the delicate flames hungrily consume the pete in front of a cheering crowd. The wind picked up, further fanning the flames, and soon a roaring fire danced in the night. "The first time I went, I didn't realize how far the heat could reach, and spent most of the night within a few feet of the bonfire. The next day, my face and arms were as tender as they'd be after a week's worth of field work. That's why everyone's staying out of the light."

"Was it worth it?"

"I think so." Harv shrugged off his cloak at the next bluster of wind and draped it on Finn's shoulders. "What?" Finn's hand curled into the dark furs as he studied Harv's confused expression. "I'm sorry it doesn't go with you shoes or whatever, but you looked like you'd get blown off the roof if I didn't do something." Finn bit his lip. "What?"

"Nothing..." Finn glanced down at their seats, an uncomfortable gap between the crates that'd be difficult to sit on, even if he tried to push his crate closer to Harv's. This was the closest they could get for now. "Thank you," Finn watched as the town's people danced and drank in the fire's glow. "For not ditching me and... well... yeah..."

"Of course I wouldn't..." Harv said. "What would make you say that?"

"The brick wall of your dreams tried to ask you out." Finn rolled his eyes at the goofy grin that spread across Harv's face. "What does that even mean anyway? You didn't turn him down did you?"

"Not exactly." Harv fiddled with the pendant around his neck. "I told him I liked him and he wanted to go to the bonfire together..." His hand stilled. "Oh heavens, he didn't actually say he liked me back."

"Don't start getting in your head about it!" Finn slapped his shoulder. "I'm pretty sure 'let's hang out alone' is a pretty clear answer to 'I like you'. "

"I thought so." Harv smiled again.

"...well, what are you going to do?" Finn asked after a bit of quiet had passed. "You turned down his idea for a date, it's only proper you offer an alternative."

"I don't know Finn."

"You. DON'T. KNOW!?" Finn reeled back, his head in his hands.

"I never thought I'd get this far." Harv grinned sheepishly. "It was easier to not think about it, then get my hopes up."

"Well what do you think we were doing this whole time!?" Finn counted on his fingers. "You could take him to a cafe, or a show, or a picnic." He grabbed a breath of air. "There's the salon, or window shopping, you could even go for a stroll by the lake if you're so inclined. How could you not know? Just pick one!" Some of the townspeople looked up toward the roof, unable to see anything, but alarmed at the sudden shouting. Harv's hand slowly left the pendent around his neck.

"Finn, were we... Did you think we were dating?" Harv held his breath as Finn turned away from him.

"No!" Finn pulled the cloak closer around him. "I was just being a good friend and showing you places you could go. It's different." He bit his lip. "Don't ask me how it is, just trust me, I know." He had been told many times before in many ways that he was hopeless."No one wants to waste their time pursuing a romance with someone without those sorts of passions. Hanging out with friends is the closest I'll ever.." He sighed. "If you tell him it's a date, it'll be different, you'll see."

"Finn, I'm sorry."

"What's there to be sorry about? I'm fine." The excitement from the fire being lit had died down, with festival goers relaxing in the warm glow of the bonfire or wandering back to their previous tasks. It seemed like fun the way Harv described it, but he knew better than to suggest venturing closer with Darren somewhere in the crowd. It's just a fire, he told himself, a boring old fire; just like they had in any old hearth. He hadn't been missing out on anything, these people just made a big deal out of something ordinary. "Can we go now?"

"Yeah, sure." Finn stood up the moment Harv agreed, and started climbing off the roof toward the alley. Harv lingered a bit, trying to see if he could pick out any auburn hair in the crowd. The entire town was dyed in orange light, making even the fairest of hair indiscernible from his friend's. It would have been nice to hang around the festival grounds longer, but he couldn't help smiling again. Next year would be different, next year he'd get to spend it with someone special. That little thought warmed his chest more than any fire could.

#warrior u #harvfinn #little finnharv things #fanfic

1 note · View note

three-step-shuffle · 2 years

Text

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I was born in Connecticut but my parents moved to Florida when I was 11 months old. I celebrated my first Christmas in a house next to the church that was later condemned due to black mold.

When I was four, I talked to a stranger in a park (his name was Maurice lol) and another kid told on me. I hid under the bed at my grandparents house when my mom came to pick me up because I was scared of her reaction.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and aunt. My grandparents would pick me up from preschool and when I was in elementary school I would ride the bus home to their house. My grandpa was my best friend growing up.

Family parties were a big thing when I was little. We’d have big gatherings for the fourth of July, Christmas and new years eve. I remember spending 4th of July hanging out with my cousin Joey in his room (a closet) because the power went out.

NYE 1999/2000 my mom let me have champagne and I wanted more. My mom wouldn’t let me have more (because I was 6) so I got my cousins to give me more.

Went to summer camp and was “friends” with a girl named Joy who would bully me into buying her snacks.

In December 2001, my mom and I went to New Jersey to see her family. On the first night we were there, we got a call from my dad telling us that my aunt had died suddenly. My grandpa was already showing signs of dementia and deteriorated rapidly after my aunt died.

My best friends in my neighborhood would always want to stay over at my house and I could never stay over at theirs because they were scared of their dad.

Sometime in elementary school, my neighbor who was a year younger than me (Jonathan) showed me his penis and said he’d hurt me if I told anyone. I cried when I told a priest at confession.

Anytime I slept over at Kate's house, her brother Jonathan would try to get in my sleep ind bag.

I was an altar server at a catholic church from third grade until 10th grade and even helped to train other altar servers.

My grandma in New Jersey died of a brain tumor in July of 2003. We went up for her funeral and to clean out her old house.

My grandpa died in August of 2003 after almost being removed from hospice for being there too long. I had the option to see him after he died, but I didn’t, and I regretted it for years.

In fifth grade they made us take DARE and swear never to do drugs. What I remember most about dare was sharing my goldfish pretzels with Seth.

Hurricane Charley happened the first week of 6th grade and we missed a few weeks of school. My mom made me go to work with her since we didn’t have power and she didn’t want to leave me home alone.

In sixth grade, we would spend all band class hanging out in the storage rooms goofing off instead of practicing.

Spent the first few weeks of summer hanging out with my friend Nicole. We'd spend a few days at my house, then a few days at her house, and go back and forth. Sometimes we would get into physical fights for fun.

The first time I remember hurting myself was in 7th grade science class. I don’t know why I did it, but I still have the scar on my hand.

In seventh grade, I paid to quit my competitive soccer team after weeks of getting no playing time and being treated like I wasn’t a part of the team.

In seventh and eight grade I was sexually harassed by a classmate, Alex. He’d feel me up when nobody else was around. He’d do this even when he had a girlfriend. Even when he was single, he’d do this, but would never show any actual interest in me.

In eight grade I realized I was an addict without ever touching a drug. We were talking about House at before school and I said that I’d probably wind up addicted to pills or something in the future.

Briefly dated Max in eighth grade. While we were dating, a rumor started that he “slammed me against the lockers in a sweaty rage,” which was completely untrue. We only kissed once.

In 8yh grade I was on an OM team doing the balsa wood problem. When we lost at state, my mom gave us champagne.

The summer after eighth grade I went to California with my cousins and wanted to sneak out of the beach house we were staying in so I could find a sharp shell to cut myself with.

My “best friend” would make me tell her who I had a crush on, and then would immediately be interested in the same person I was interested on.

In 9th grade, Alex finally showed an interest in dating me, but instead went out with my best friend because I couldn’t get a ride to see the Simpsons movie with him and his friends.

In 9th grade, I met Aaron and had my first encounter with people smoking weed (they were smoking in one of the storage rooms.

Dated Casey, who got mad at me for being curious about drugs and wanting to try them.

Dated Zach and went to homecoming with him.

Dated Zac even though I was more interested in Adam (who was dating my best friend)

When I was fifteen my mom encouraged me to drink cough medicine straight from the bottle because I was sick and couldn’t find the little cup thing. Anytime I was sick after that, I drank nyquil straight from the bottle.

At some point when I was 15 or 16, I made a concoction of vodka, rum, nyquil, robitussin with codeine, and fruit punch that I would drink when I couldn’t sleep. I called it “sleepy juice”.

When I was 16, I met up with Aaron after school and we smoked a blunt in the driveway of my parents house.

I would regularly skip jazz band with a group of people by sneaking into one of the storage rooms during class. Aaron would usually be violently high and get I to some kind of shenanigans like coloring my leg with sharpie or taking his pants off.

My best friend since elementary school stopped talking to me because I “lied about smoking weed” after she saw a survey I had posted on MySpace.

When I was 16 or 17, anytime I was drinking orange soda out of a taco bell cup, there was alcohol in it. I regularly drank during physics because it was my first class of the day. A few times, I smoked weed before going to school.

Brought alcohol to my ceramics final junior year.

Got shit faced the day before my APUSH test (by myself, instead of studying, all while texting my friend Gaige) and showed up for the test the next day still drunk. Left school after the test and had to clean vomit from the night before out of my carpet so my parents wouldn't find out.

I frequently lied about what I was doing after school to smoke weed. I’d tell my mom I was taking a nap or going to the park with people so she wouldn’t bother me and I could get high in peace.

Tried meeting up with Wade and Sean at the park to get weed and ended up breaking my phone. Had to lie to Danielle about why Wade and Sean were there and never even got the weed.

Was involved in kicking Angelina off of our Odyssey of the Mind team because she got high (on various pills) at competition, just like she did on the physics club trip to universal.

Tried to get Adam to hook up with me but he wouldn't because he had dated my “best friend”

Tried to get Aaron to sneak over to my house to get high and hook up.

Dated Allen and pushed him to do things sexually that he didn’t feel ready to do at the time. I wanted to have sex but he wanted to wait until he was 18.

Moved to Orlando to go to UCF. My roommates were super straight edge and into church and would always try to get me to go to their church groups with them.

Got invited to a party by this guy Kris from my speech class. When I showed up, it was like 6 people. We got drunk and high and then everyone disappeared and I was in his room with him. He wanted to have sex and I kept telling him no but he kept trying. I made an excuse and drove back to my dorm. He texted me when I got home and said that he was going to keep going even though I said no.

Hung out with this guy Dan from my western civ class but didn’t get high. He wanted to have sex, so we did. I never told him that it was my first time. We started hooking up regularly after that and whenever I’d go home for the weekend, I’d stop by his place to smoke and have sex before going back to my dorm.

Not long into college I started smoking weed multiple times a day every day. I’d wake up early before my 8:30 am class just so I could get high before class.

Became an active member of NORML@UCF and always went to the parties they had after meetings and got ridiculously high.

Started hanging out with the guys who lived across the hall from me and would regularly get drunk and go on adventures with them.

Hung out with Dan after class one day and decided to do shrooms. Dan kept making terrifying faces at me, so I refused to talk to him and didn’t talk until his roommate Andrew (who I had a crush on) came home.

One of the guys across the hall (Richard) had never smoked weed and said that he wouldn’t try it until he lost his virginity, so I drunkenly hooked up with him to get him to smoke weed for the first time.

Got pulled over going 85 in a 55 on the way home for winter break. Thought I was going to get arrested because my car smelled like weed ( I had hotboxed it before leaving) and I had weed sitting out but didn’t.

Got a handle of melon vodka and invited people to the nature trail to drink it with me. Wound up going back to Andrew’s apartment where we proceeded to get shit faced and hook up. I also drunk tweeted that night. The tweets have since been deleted.

Got a few tabs of acid and did a tab by myself in my dorm room. I made a tent out of my closet curtain and some textbooks, watched Alice in Wonderland, and painted with my hands.

Bought shrooms from a guy (Tim) in my 2D class and went over to this girl Alex’s apartment to eat them and make art. Alex got drunk and me and Tim had to hide her wine bottles and take care of her while tripping until her boyfriend came home.

Puked on a table and passed out in a Froggers. Refused to get in the car to leave because I didn't want to throw up in a BMW.

Beer bonged four loko by the pool at Carlos’s apartment on St. Patrick's day and texted my mom pictures of the pool rules because it said “do not use if you are ill with diarrhea”

Stopped being fwb with Andrew and started dating

Any time we would hang out with our friend Terry, we'd get barred out.

Worked at Universal at the Spider-Man ride. Got sexually harassed by a coworker and ate edibles during lunch.

Got dumped by Andrew three days before valentine's day. Got back together on valentine's day. He gave me a heart shaped nug and a one hitter I immediately dropped and broke.

Did coke for the first time at White Trash Bash (Dan's 21st birthday).

Did coke again and got too drunk on wine and refused to get in the car because I still needed to puke. Rode home with my head in a trash bag.

Terry and Dan’s apartment got robbed and Terry showed up at Andrew's with a suitcase full of drugs. We helped ourselves to the coke and ended up doing it all in one night. I woke up to Andrew telling me that all the coke was gone and freaked out.

Took Ritalin to get through finals. Tori taught me how to get around the time release. Took a Ritalin in the middle of my teaching SpEd final to get through the essays.

Came home for new years eve and went to a party with Becca, where I met Joey (it was his house) who was fresh out of jail.

Got dumped by Andrew 3 days before I turned 21 and started drinking and didn't stop.

Drank OE out of a wawa coffee cup during my tsol class on my 21st birthday so I didn't have to stop drinking. Went to hooters with Cameron and was late to my own party. Had a random drunk lady give me five dollars and tell me not to sleep with anyone unless it was a girl.

Went to a party the day after my birthday and hooked up with Wilson in Joey Kelly’s bed (he gave us permission). Drove home drunk when Kristin started puking in the grass. Tori gave me a few vyvanse 70s as a birthday gift.

Came home for the weekend and drank beer with Zac in the Walmart parking lot. Got to the st Andrew's fair right as it was ending and ran into Joey who invited us over. Zac drove us to a gas station to buy hookah coal and Joey stole us some shisha. Went to another gas station to buy cigarettes and Joey stole a trash can. Went back to Joey's and did shots of fireball and poured gasoline on the road and lit it on fire. Hooked up with Joey while Zac was waiting in the other room alone.

Got drunk with Josh B and lost my phone at the restaurant. When I realized I lost it, I freaked out and broke my computer.

Messaged a guy (Travis) saying “hey, wanna fuck?” And started hooking up with him. One night we shot potatoes into a lake and fucked in a park

Convinced my friend Ben K (who was friends with my ex) to start hooking up.

Started working at the zoo. Quit my first day when my manager scheduled me on a day I told her I couldn't work but got rehired when she quit a week later. Got Savannah a job at the zoo and would ride in to work together.

Bought beer for the high school kid who worked at the kona ice cart.

Started drinking with the guys at the Gat (Cameron and Josh B). Josh tried to convince me to take Cameron's virginity because he's a good guy and deserves to get laid. Shot fireworks into the drain pipes and played beer can baseball.

Traded Tori a copy of my ID for an eighth of weed.

Tried going to the pool with Savannah, Josh B, and Cameron but ended up going to the beach where we got extremely drunk. Me and Savannah flushed the guys on purpose. Got back to the apartment and hooked up with Josh.

Got in a fight with my roommate’s boyfriend and got a concussion. Went to Ben’s with Savannah after talking to the cops and sat on a stool in his shower drinking a beer as Savannah cleaned mulch out of my legs.

Couch surfed for three weeks and hooked up with Ben and Josh to have somewhere to stay.

Got harassed by the cops and accused of lying about the situation with my roommate's boyfriend.

Almost passed out at work and Savannah had to take me to the hospital.

Did acid while on hydrocodone and almost cried when I got lost in my minecraft world. Me and Savannah sat on Sade’s balcony and watched a\Adventure Time and painted each other’s backs with our hands. Only came inside when cops started showing up at her apartment complex in response to an armed robbery in the building next door.

Convinced hot guy from work (Dylan) to come over to Sade’s apartment to go swimming with me and Savannah and we both tried getting him to hook up with one or both of us (he wouldn’t).

Bitch roommate finally got evicted with less than a week left on the lease and we were able to go back to the apartment in time for Savannah to pack up and move out.

Let Savannah and Sade sleep on the couches during the gap weeks when nobody had anywhere else to stay.

Hooked up with Cody (random guy Sade had met online and hooked up with and told me to hook up with)

Started working at Airport Lanes

Hooked up with Matt (one of the guys who worked at the concession stand at the bowling alley).

Went back to my apartment with Matt and started drinking and smoking. Matt started ranting about how he’s God and the Devil and also an alien and how he thought Hitler did the right thing because he ended people’s suffering because existence is pain.

Wound up crying on the kitchen floor after Matt had to pull a knife out of my hands because I was trying to hurt myself with it.

Started dating Matt

Started doing coke more frequently. Matt’s cousin would frequently barge into Matt’s room and be like “wanna do some coke?” And we always said yes.

Did coke sitting in a diy car wash

Started abusing Matt’s vyvanse and took more of his prescription than he did. I would always ask him for some before or during work, and came to rely on it to get through work on Fridays and Saturdays when I was the only server for our two biggest leagues.

Matt convinced me to go to North Carolina with him to visit his friends who lived there. We each popped a vyvanse and chugged some red bull and he started driving (at like 10 pm). Once we were through Georgia and into South Carolina, we each smoked a joint. A little while later, Matt got off the highway at a random exit, almost crashed into a stop sign, drove through the intersection and into the bushes on the side of the road. He started grabbing at my face and laughing hysterically. When I finally got the car into park and managed to get him out of the car, he grabbed a razor blade from the center console, which I had to snatch from his hands. After a lot of screaming at him (and apologizing to the woman who pulled over to see if we needed help getting the car out of the bushes) I managed to get him into the passenger seat so we could get back on the road. When his psychotic episode finally died down, he got mad at me for taking the back roads and costing us time, even though it was his fault we wound up on some random small highway when he had his episode.

Got drunk and applied for a job as an educator at the Orlando Science Center and sent them an email about how much I wanted the job. Got an interview and stayed up all night the night before it doing coke with Matt. Had to take a vyvanse to stay awake and was almost late to the interview. Got offered the job.

Got belligerently drunk at the bowling alley the night before Thanksgiving and had to be escorted out by my manager, who also called the cops on me. Punched Matt in the face while he was trying to help me and almost got arrested. The cop told me “either you get in the passenger seat of your car and let him drive you home or you’re getting in the back of my car” and I got in my car and let Matt drive me back to my apartment. Ended up getting Fired from the bowling alley with only one day left until I was supposed to be done working there (I had already put in my two weeks after getting the job at the science center).

Worked weird hours doing offsite programming for the Orlando Science Center.

Drank while driving home form work on New Years Eve because I “had to start drinking early so I could go to sleep early” since I had to work the next day. Matt showed up, even though we were broken up at the time and drank all of my Fireball and crashed a party my neighbors were having.

Repeatedly broke up with Matt and got back together

Got repeatedly accused of cheating

Broke up with Matt

Hooked up with my ex Andrew because I was bored and he was down. Had to leave his place at like 7am because he needed to go to work and ended up in Savannah, Georgia because the vape store wasn’t open yet and neither was the Sanford Flea Market. Matt started texting me and got mad at me for driving to Georgia.

Got belligerently drunk at EPCOT. When I was leaving the park, I couldn’t find the tram stop (which is directly in front of the exit) and decided to walk to my car. Got lost trying to find my car and blacked out. Came to at home after driving 45 minutes home on multiple highways.

Hooked up with David after a party because I “wanted to fuck an 18 year old”

Worked at the zoo again and met Conner. We would go out drinking after work on a semi-regular basis and started hooking up.

Slept on the couches in the living room for months because the AC was broken and it was cooler in the living room and my room was disgusting.

Started dating Conner

Went to a work party at a bar and hotboxed someone's car. Me and Conner tried to convince Pierce the zip line guy to have a threesome with us.

Met up with Justin and ended up getting molly. Did molly in a Walmart bathroom at 4am whenI had to be at work at 9am.

Worked an event at work and got free food and beer. Had our manager steal beer for us and did molly off the counter at work.

Started getting high with Justin on a regular basis. Justin would drive to my place when he was supposed to be at work and I would drive us up to Sanford to go get coke. Pawned any jewelry I had to get money for coke.

Started doing coke or adderall on a daily basis. I’d do coke for a few days and when I was short on money, I’d buy some adderall or vyvanse.

Would regularly go to Publix and buy two six packs of beer. While Conner was at work, I’d drink a full six pack and two from the next six pack. I’d dispose of the first six pack before picking up Conner so it looked like I had only two beers instead of eight. I’d drink the rest of the six pack once Conner was home.

Tried to stop drinking and doing coke. Started drinking again when I ended up in Savannah, Georgia with Conner and his friend Connor (Conner told me it was okay for me to drink, so Connor bought us drinks). Ended up stopping for gas in Georgia and bought two 40s because they don’t sell 40s in Florida.

Went on a three day nonstop adderall binge because I wasn’t doing coke. Refused to leave my bedroom when Justin and Danielle were over because I “needed to keep working” on the homework I was doing but would just snort more adderall when they were all outside smoking.

Started going to the bar Woodstock on a regular basis. Got in for the first time as someone’s plus one and ended up buying coke from OB and doing it in my car with the guy who had gotten me in.

Would set up an art tent at events at Woodstock to attempt to sell art. I’d leave COnner to man the tent while I ran around looking for drugs so I could hide from him in the drug gazebo and get high without him knowing.

Cleaned my room while on coke. Every time Conner would go outside for a cigarette, I’d do another couple lines to keep myself going. Ended up finding a bag of molly that I had lost a year prior and invited Justin over to do it. Conner got mad because we wouldn’t share with him since he had to open at work in a few hours.

Went to UCF with COnner and the guinea pigs while they were doing inspections at my apartment. Conner got pulled over going 45 in a 25 and had a suspended license so I had to show my ID so I could drive. Had to dig out my wallet without the cop seeing the quarter of weed that was at the top of my purse. Panicked when the cops were taking forever to write the ticket because I thought they were calling for the dogs and I had a backpack full of paraphernalia and coke and weed in my purse. (They did NOT call for the dogs, the rookie just fucked up filling out the paperwork.)

Would regularly go to Woodstock alone while Conner was at work so I could get high without Conner knowing. One night I ended up doing coke and acid with OB and ended up finding out about the Pulse shooting while I was tripping.

Kent’s sister Jamie died of a heroin overdose and I choose to get high to honor her. Was going to come back to Cape Coral to go to her funeral but knew I couldn’t go that long without getting high and that I wouldn’t be able to hide my using from Conner if we were staying with my parents.

Wasn’t allowed to be alone with Justin because we were always sneaking around getting high together.

Justin cut me off from buying coke so I hit up Matt to cop. Met him in Altamonte Springs and drank car beers with him while waiting for his guy with the coke.

Drove around drinking on 4th of July when I was out of coke and almost got pulled over.

Set up three days in a row at Woodstock and made Conner bike to work. Traded two drawings of mushrooms for a capsule of molly on the second night and rolled during the Buku show. Convinced Matt to come on the third night to help me set up and to bring coke for me to do. Told him I would pay him in art but refused to give up the painting he wanted.

Convinced Conner to go to twisted Tuesday with me but he was being antisocial and playing Pokémon Go, so I took him to UCF to play Pokémon and went back to twisted. Ended up getting shitfaced off Dr. Pepper and captain and went with OB to try to get high. Ended up hooking up with OB on the way to his friends place. Got bitched out by Justin (who had picked up COnner from UCF when he wasn’t feeling well) for not being home at like 2am.

Broke up with Conner the next day and never told him about hooking up with OB. Called my mom crying about breaking up with Conner and she transferred me money so I could go do something to feel better. As soon as I had the money, I immediately hit up Matt so we could go cop. Ended up doing coke in the parking lot at the Center for Drug Free Living in Orlando.

Hit up OB and started hanging out with him. Did the rest of my coke and popped Xanax and drank with OB. Ended up meeting up with this girl Lauren and her friend Sterling and used the remainder of my money to get meth. Ended up shooting meth in Sterling’s laundry room. The next day, they wanted to do heroin, so I drove them to meet the guy and they paid me for the ride with a line of meth. Ended up shooting heroin for the first time (and not really feeling it because I had just snorted a line of meth) and had to do a second shot to feel anything.

Spent the next three days driving around with OB and Lauren, staying wherever we could for as long as we could, getting high on whatever we could (at one point Lauren stole a can of duster from Publix so we could get high while she waited for her dad to send her more money). Ended up getting high in the bathrooms at New Smyrna Beach at 4am and then going to a nature area to try to see alligators as the sun came up. Went to Publix and bought salad, donuts, and peach soda when we realized we hadn’t eaten for three days and went to the UCF nature trail to eat.

Got high at OB’s grandma’s house an had to drag him to the car after he passed out (we gave him a bunch of seroquel to knock him out when he started talking about wanting to kill himself)

Went with OB to Austin’s coffee and chain smoked while talking to a coke dealer (OB was on acid and stole my lighter and abandoned me).

Drank wine slushies with Lauren at the Sanford Mall when we went to get her bags from Sterling’s.

Kicked Conner out of my apartment so we had somewhere to get high and crash for the night.

Confronted by Conner about how he knew I had been using with Justin for months.

Let Lauren OB take my car to go cop “meth” while I was sleeping off the alcohol withdrawals. Found out that what they got wasn’t actually meth so they dumped it in the trash (I got mad because I would have done whatever research chemical it was anyway since I hadn’t gotten high in a few days). OB Freaked out about how we needed to stop doing drugs and deleted all of his plugs’ numbers from his phone.

Made fake molly with OB so we could go to twisted and make some money so we could get high. Ended up drinking a water bottle full of tequila, a water bottle full of vodka, and eventually a water bottle full of gin while holding the bag with the “molly” while OB ran around trying to sell it. OB decided to bring some girl home with us, so I found a random guy (John) to bring home. Ended up hooking up with John and going to the other side of Orlando to get coke and did it all on the ride back to my apartment.

Had to drive OB’s girl home and OB took 10 k-pins and then forgot that he took them. Cut my arm in the car (intentionally) to see if I could even feel anything at that point (I couldn’t)

Invited Matt over so he would share his drugs with me. OB got pissed when me and Matt split a 30 and did all off Matt’s coke without sharing with him.

Woke up to OB demanding my keys so he could go get dope. TOld him I didn’t trust him with my keys, but he wouldn’t let me go with him, so I let Lauren have the keys. Get a call from Lauren a couple of hours later saying that OB ditched her in a parking lot and took all the dope. Tried for hours to get OB to text back or answer my calls about where he was, but he never responded. At around midnight, me and Matt went to check out all of OB’s usual spots to try to find my car to steal it back. Get a call from OB’s mom that her son had been arrested and overdosed (my response was, “So where’s my car?”). Stopped at Wawa on the way home to get cigs and found the other people who had been in the car with OB (they were less than a block from my apartment when he got arrested)

Hung out with Matt and Lauren by the pool and passed out from doing duster. Upon waking up, I immediately wanted to hit it again.

Went with Scott, Lauren, and Matt to get coke and stopped to get more duster. Went back to my apartment and got high. Got bored sitting in my room so we went to the pool to drink beer and chill. A few minutes later, my parents and Conner show up and confront me, saying they know what I’ve been doing (Savannah called them and told them) and demanded that I come home with them.

Went to detox at Park Royal for 9 days after almost getting Baker Acted when I rolled up my sleeves. Woke up from a nap one day and Kent was there. Borrowed Kent’s visitors on visitation day. Met Alex.

Started PHP the day I was released from inpatient. Went to an NA meeting the first night after getting out of detox and met Phil and Jersey Mike. Ended up hooking up with Phil, who immediately told his sponsor (Jersey Mike) because they had a bet about who could sleep with me first. Phil took a video of us fucking and showed it to random guys at meetings (it was a terrible video and he dropped the phone halfway through, made me laugh)

Met Michael and hooked up with him in the parking lot of the boat ramp. He immediately called his sponsor (Jersey Mike) and we ended up over at Mike’s house. Had a threesome with Michael and Jersey Mike in the shower. Had sex with Mike again when Michael left because his girlfriend was calling him.

Went to steak and shake with Alex after a meeting and Ended up at Jersey Mike’s house again. Had a threesome with Alex and Jersey Mike. Another day, me and Alex were hanging out and ended up at Phil’s house, where we had a threesome with Phil.

Switched from PHP to IOP. Skipped IOP one Friday, lied to my mom about going to a meeting, and met up with MIchael to smoke crack. Knew we didn’t have IOP Monday, so I should have been able to get away with using, but owned up to it during group and still managed to graduate from IOP a little over a week later.

Met Ash for the first time at Peace day in the park and stated hanging out with him. Ended up sleeping with him at his hallway house while his roommate was gone for the day. Kept hurting myself and wanting to use, and eventually convinced Ash that we should get high together. Told my mom I was meeting people at the mall for dinner and then going to a meeting so she transferred me money and me and Ash copped dope in a McDonald’s Parking lot. Shot dope in the Publix parking lot and then went and sat under the bridge at Centennial Park and did the rest of the dope. Ash got a call from his house manager that he had a house meeting so I drove him to his halfway house. Ended up nodding out in the car reading an article about Harambe (RIP) while everyone was in the house meeting. Met up with Ash and his roommate the next day and picked up random people from the side of the road who said they knew where to get meth. Drove out to the wood in NFM and copped some meth. Dropped Ash and his roommate at Publix while I went and ate dinner with my parents. Lied about going to a meeting and went and shot meth in the yacht club parking lot. Dropped the guys back at their halfway house and went to Late Night (lol). Found the remainder of the meth in my car and learned to hit myself because I wanted to get high and there wasn’t enough left to snort it. Stayed up all night before going to Solomon’s Castle with my parents (ughhhhh). Found out the next day that Ash was on a bus back to Tennessee.

Lied to my psychiatrist about staying clean since I had relapsed on crack and he prescribed me Vyvanse. Went to meetings on a regular basis.

Matt got kicked out of his halfway house so I convinced him to come visit for a few days. Met up with him after a meeting at the Casa Loma Motel and snorted a bunch of coke. He commented on how I looked miserable the whole time. Decided to shoot some coke since I had a rig with me. Rig clogged on my second shot and I gave up trying to do it after an hour and a look around at the situation I was once again in.

Got a job as a paraprofessional at Mariner Middle School when I had about 30 days clean. Went to Naples with Brandi (sponsor) and bought a ridiculous shirt at a goodwill (I still have that shirt).

Met Mike at a meeting and started dating him. Decided one night that we wanted to go to dinner instead of a meeting (we were going to go to the Edison Parade but it was raining) and ended up wrecking my car. Still went out to eat after my mom took us both to the hospital to get checked out. When Mike broke up with me, I immediately met up with Ron and we hooked up as I was still getting messages from Mike about the breakup.

Met Devon at a meeting and talked to him until he missed his ride home. Ended up hooking up with him once.

Dave died and I stepped up my involvement in Area and my home group.

Hooked up with Jaxon outside of a church (multiple times). Told him that we couldn’t keep hooking up because I needed to focus on my recovery.

Met Cole at a meeting and spent a long time talking to him while the White Sands houses played volleyball. Started dating Cole. Cole was really fucked up over the death of his brother and was always on the verge of relapsing.

Cole lied about visiting his grandpa to get an overnight from halfway and went with me to Orlando to pick up my cap and gown for graduation. Went to a meeting in Sanford where Cole ran into someone he had once gone to treatment with and I picked up a nine month keytag. Ended up driving around for hours talking before going back to the hotel and sleeping together. After the fact, he told me it was his first time.

Went to Orlando with my parents a week later for graduation.

Cole was on the verge of relapsing and I knew that if he used, I’d use, and we’d both end up dead. To save myself, I ended the relationship saying “I’m just too crazy for a relationship right now.” Cole relapsed.

Went to SFRCNA in Port Charlotte and bonded with Brandi during a meeting. Had to sneak off to the bathroom throughout the convention so I could take my meds (I was on 70mg and 10mg adderall twice a day). Brandi called me late one night when I was driving home from the convention because she had a nightmare and knew I’d be up.

Stayed in the penthouse at Cape Harbour for hurricane Irma. Hung out with my dad in a parking garage during the storm so we could watch the rain and smoke/vape. Went home after the storm and had no power. Went to more meetings than usual to be in the air conditioning. Also got cock blocked by the hurricane.

Hooked up with Matt S after a meeting. Was going to hook up with him a second time but cock blocked myself by going to Chipotle with people after a meeting instead.

Hooked up with Kyle M in the yacht club parking lot.

Became really good friends with Jeff S after texting him late one night asking how to meditate.

Decided that I shouldn’t be on vyvanse (because I was on wayyyy too high a dosage) and started to taper off of it. Alway got mildly suicidal around day three after dropping my dosage. Started by stopping the adderall.

Celebrated 1 year at the Keeping it Clean home group. Brandi was out of town for work, so Jeff gave me my medallion.

Found out Cole died from Sam while waiting in line at 7-11. When I called Brandi, she hung up on me because she was more concerned about getting tickets for Star Wars (which we were going to see after the meeting that night).

Talked to my psychiatrist about getting off of vyvanse and he lowered my dosage but told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go off it completely. Tried to get completely off it anyway. After being off it for about a month, I almost met up with Tyler to do meth, but didn’t and went back on vyvanse.

Broke down at a meeting about how I wanted to get high and didn’t know what to do. After the meeting, Jeff broke up with me, saying he was “just too crazy for a relationship right now.”

Hooked up with Jeff W after a meeting (daddy issues much?)

Worked for David L cleaning up job sites, assembling furniture, and handling his office work. Interviewed for a teaching position at Island Coast High School and got a call later that day that I had gotten the job.

Met up with Cole’s friend Chris to pick up the memorial plaque he had gotten and ended up hooking up in a parking lot in downtown Fort Myers.

Had Kyle W speak for me at triage and ended up hooking up with him a week later while parked in front of his halfway house.

Met Ben at a meeting and started hanging out and hooking up. Almost got arrested when a park ranger rolled up on us when we were hooking up in the parking lot of the boat ramp.

Hooked up with Dylan while I was still talking to Ben and fucked things up. Broke off contact with Dylan when he said he had feelings for me and continued hooking up with Ben.

Met Marshall at a meeting and started hanging out with him (even though I knew who he was and had been warned about him). Went to the beach for an event and hung out with Marshall. Started spending time with Marshall on a regular basis. Marshall repeatedly relapsed and every single time, his mom would start messaging me, expecting me to find him, which I always managed to do.

Went to GCCNA in Weston and got a message from Marshall saying he only wanted to be friends. Still continued to play captain save a bro.

Went to FRCNA in Tampa and shared a room with Taylor. Ended up hooking up with Taylor and contemplating suicide. Dealt with texts from Marshall’s mom trying to locate him again. Met a serenity keeper named Daniel and hooked up with him before the main meeting the next night while Taylor was out with a friend. After the meeting, I started talking to Jeremy in the smoking area and we decided to go back up to my room (since Taylor was still gone) to hook up. After Taylor left to drive home the next morning, I was sitting in the smoking area and started talking to this guy Mike. For some reason, we decided to go back up to my room and hook up before I headed home.

Drove around looking for Marshall because his mom had lost him on a run once again. Drove by an extended stay and had this weird feeling that that’s where he was. Got a call from Marshall in a panic the next morning asking me to come to said extended stay to come get him. Rescued Marshall from the extended stay and dropped him off somewhere in Suncoast.

Started talking to Josh at meetings, even though he had a girlfriend. Had him speak for me at triage right when he had 6 months clean. Josh broke up with his girlfriend and we started dating. Got a job at Oasis Middle School. Went to the Kesha and Macklemore concert in Tampa with Brandi even though I had work the next day. Josh helped me set up my classroom. Started hanging out with Josh at his halfway house and even paid the rent he was behind on so that his curfew would be extended and we could keep hanging out.

Switched from vyvanse to adderall because it was cheaper. Also got prescribed klonopin.

Went to WCNA in Orlando. Stayed at some resort in Davenport and would park at Icon Park and walk a mile to the convention. Got glared at by Josh’s ex during the clean time countdown. Josh moved into 3/4way house and I spent the night every weekend.

Celebrated 2 years clean at the Keeping it Clean homegroup. Brandi gave me my medallion.

Got an apartment with Josh, his roommate from halfway (Tyler) and one of his housemates (Bama). Tyler had his own room, but Bama slept on an air mattress in the living room. We changed home groups (Hot Topic) and Josh celebrated one year clean. Bama relapsed on meth and we couldn’t get him to move out of our living room, so we tracked down his warrant from Alabama and Tyler called it in. When we searched the stuff Bama had left behind, we found beer, liquor, and meth.

Was coerced into co-signing on a new car for Josh.

Josh got mad at me for messaging Jaime late one night when I was having really bad thoughts of using. I told him that I didn’t want to share those feelings with him because what would happen if we were both having those thoughts at the same time?

Became increasingly stressed at work and started having really bad anxiety. The klonopin wasn’t helping (it was a really low dose once a day) so I decided to take some of Josh’s Xanax. (I painted my ceiling tile that’s hanging in the clubhouse while barred out). About a week later, Josh looked at me and said “I really want to shoot some coke right now” and I said “that sounds like a great idea” so we did. Josh got ridiculously paranoid and screwed all the doors and windows shut because he thought the cops were coming. Managed to get the door open and went to area where I gave up both of our H&I commitments and told Brandi that I had relapsed.

Picked up a white keytag and decided that I needed a new sponsor (Mary). When I had 11 days clean, Josh confessed that he had gotten high again (without me), so I got mad and met up with Marshall to go cop and ended up shooting dope. A few weeks later, we tried to get clean again. Josh went to detox and I stayed home to taper myself off on subs on my own. Decided that I wanted to go to ECCNA at FGCU and went for one day on my own (with no clean time). Josh AMA’d from detox the next day and we went together the next day and got in a huge fight before the main meeting and left to go get high together.

We kept using and Josh (who had gotten fired from his job) tried to start his own business. Spent Fourth of July helping him redrywall a garage ceiling. Got a guy that Josh met in detox to help with the work and got a new dope connect (our usual guy never showed up that night)

Overdosed for the first time on July 8th 2019. Texted Mary about how I was done and wanted to get clean, but kept using anyway. I would occasionally try to get off dope by doing subs and going to meetings, but it never worked.

Was low on money and dope, so I’d ask my mom for money for bills only to spend it all on dope.

Josh’s friend Ashlyn moved in with us and we all hooked up. Ashlyn moved out a few days later because she was starting to have feelings for Josh.

Got a Job at Varsity Lakes Middle School while I was still using. Would get high under my desk before school, during lunch, and during my planning period. Started getting physically sick from stress at work and ended up quitting (it was suggested that I resign at the end of the first semester because my evaluations weren’t good)

Went to detox on December 31st 2019. Made friends with Garrett and Zach and spent a lot of time talking to Zach. Garrett tried to convince me to hook up with him when they left the bathroom unlocked, but I turned him down. Made plans with Zach to go to a meeting the night we got out. Josh got mad at me for talking to Zach (because I was talking about possibly breaking up with Josh so I had a better chance of staying clean) and accused me of “emotionally cheating” on him. Relapsed again after going to a meeting that night.

Got my insurance license (after giving myself cotton fever before the licensing exam) and started working at First Family Insurance. WOuld get high in the bathroom during lunch and would have to take my adderall (which I had stopped taking) just to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Covid happened, and we started working from home. I was high constantly. I would shoot up while on the phone making calls for work and during my lunch break. I would occasionally nod out while leaving messages for people and I was struggling to make sales (because I’m not good at sales and I was too fucking high all the time) and got fired and went on unemployment. Josh wanted to get unemployment but was technically self employed, so we lied on his forms so that he could also get unemployment money to help pay for dope (even though we were selling dope by that point)

Started selling dope to Andrew. Usually he didn’t have any money, so we’d wind up with a Wii or a new smart TV. When Andrew actually had money, Josh would make me do the hand off because he was paranoid about the cops watching him (they were)

Started letting Josh hook up with people when they wanted dope and didn’t have money. Usually it was just Ashlyn.

Fought with Josh (a lot) over literally everything. Josh got mad at me and told me I was “ruining his life” when I was helping him to fill out his forms for his medical card because we hadn’t yet received an email that we needed to finish filling out the forms.

Josh stopped just giving me dope like he had been doing and made me start paying for my own dope (even though I was still managing to pay all of the bill and make sure we had food). When I had money, I’d spend it all on dope. When I didn’t I’d use my mom’s credit card to buy cartons of cigarettes which he’d trade me a couple of bags for or I’d use her card to fill up his truck with gas.

Used my mom’s credit card to pay the overdue water bill and get our water turned back on (again).

Josh started hooking up with Amanda because he was initially trying to scam her out of money (because bitch is RICH RICH) but then tried to coerce me into haveing a polyamorous relationship with him and Amanda.

Used my mom’s credit card to buy Josh a gold chain that he wanted so he’d give me a couple of bags. Went back home and got in a huge fight and decided that I was done with Josh and with dope and called my mom and told her I was coming home and needed to go to detox again. Went back to the apartment the next day to grab clothes for detox and to get high one last time (traded a carton of cigs for three bags and did all of them at once even though he told me not to). Went to detox at Park Royal and convinced my psychiatrist there to let me skip a day of the subs taper so I could leave a day sooner.

Wanted to get high after a meeting so I went and hooked up with Zach instead. He told me that seeing how crazy I was in detox had been keeping him clean (he had six months at that point).

Managed to fill a script for adderall that I shouldn’t have been able to fill and started taking it again at my prescribed dosage (which was. Way too high after not having taken it for months) and didn’t sleep for a few days.

Drove around screaming at children and watching fireworks on the Fourth of July.

Decided that I wanted to get high, so I lied about going to a meeting and hit up Kevin and we went and copped. Went back to my old apartment to get high because there were fresh rigs there and because I knew Josh wasn’t there (I could still track his phone). Tried to do a bag and woke up on the floor with the contents of my purse spread around me. Kevin told me that I wasn’t breathing and that he did the sternum rub and it didn’t work and that he almost had to narcan me. Told him that slapping me usually worked when I wasn’t breathing (woke up many times to Josh slapping me in the face because I had nodded out and stopped breathing). Snorted some adderall so I was alert enough to drive Kevin home.

Lied about going to a meeting again the next day and met up with Phil. Copped more dope and got high with him (without overdosing).

July 8th 2020: Got high before cleaning out my car to take it to the shop. Went to take a shower after cleaning it and decided to get high first. Woke up to a cop standing in my bathroom doorway. Apparently my parents had been knocking on the door and I wasn’t answering, so they popped the lock and found me not breathing and called 911. Before I would let the EMTs take me to the hospital, I made the cop follow me to my room so I could give him my dope because I knew that I’d just do it when I got out of the hospital.

Checked into White Sands the same day I overdosed. Made it through detox fine and then had some kind of mental breakdown and started scratching my skin until I would bleed using various objects. I wasn’t allowed to have in my possession: plastic silverware, paper clips, soda can tabs, pencils with erasers, pen caps, or thumb tacks.

Got a message from Zach while in WS saying that he was making really bad decisions. I called him and he tried to convince me to sneak out to go shoot dope with him. Asked him the next day “So how did your bad choices work out for you?” And never got a response because he had overdosed and died in the waiting room at SalusCare detox.

Got out of White Sands and moved into their sober living apartments. Roommate accused me of stealing her meds (who tf steals Kepra?) and got moved to a different room.

Hooked up with Nick. Started hanging out with Marshall again and thought he overdosed in the bathroom at his work and called Nick freaking out about what to do. Stopped hanging out with Marshall and started dating Nick.

Moved out of sober living and back in with my parents. Spent all of my weekends at Nick’s place. Changed sponsors.

Got a job at SatCom Marketing with Patrick and Sean and started throwing up from anxiety (I hate making phone calls and was working at a call center, like wtf) and found out that Ben overdosed and died. Got a job working at Caloosa Middle School as a paraprofessional. Found out that I wasn’t;t getting renewed due to the budget (of course) but was offered a position as a math intervention teacher. Got my teaching certification reinstated.

Celebrated one year clean at the Not Quite There Yet homegroup.

Started teaching at Caloosa Middle and got covid within a month of school starting. Moved in with Nick while I was out of work with covid.

Started having panic attacks at work. During one panic attack I was asked “so you want to hurt yourself?” And said “yes but I can normally stop myself from doing it” and ended up getting baker acted. Spent a week at Park Royal and was out of work for over a month until I was cleared to return to work. Went back to work but continued to have panic attacks after almost getting hit by a student. Was given the option of stepping down from my teaching position to go back to being a paraprofessional and took it. Continued to have panic attacks at work.

0 notes

padawansuggest · 2 years

Text

Okay so I decided I wanted a fic where Cin Drallig takes Obi-Wan (11 years old) as a Padawan but since he’s the head of the temple guard and an instructor, he leaves the temple very rarely, and he wanted to make sure his padawan had field experience too, so Mace (very fond of the baby) Plo (chronic dad syndrome, very fatal) and Dooku (who saw the child and was like ‘awww… he’s Qui-Gon shaped… I’m gonna tame him’ and decided Komari could use a friend) all agree to occasionally help out by bringing him on various searches and missions. It works out for about a year…

And then Obi-Wan wakes up in the healing halls after a painful vision that looked like a 20 minute seizure to everyone else and Cin trying stoically not to cry over his new tiny boy being hurt, and not even in a way Cin can protect him from, and Obi-Wan says sorry to him in the force for making his time hard, only to immediately make a fuss so big it brings half the council down on them wondering what the child could have seen to cause that much issue.

Anyways. No one listens to him, he doesn’t have enough facts, he doesn’t even know where it takes place, he’s barely got any experience with visions, yadayadayada.

Except. Sifo-Dyas. Who unfortunately, had a quarter of the vision Obi-Wan just did, and didn’t like a lick of it.

Which is why Obi-Wan conveniently disappears from the temple less than ten hours later and sends the whole temple into a flurry. It’s. Bad.

They don’t know where the child is. They’ve started double checking the temple and combing the streets.

And here’s where it gets time-line-fuckery cause I KNOW these things didn’t happen at this time but I don’t care.

Dooku makes planetfall on Galidraan less than two days after the child went missing. He hasn’t heard back from anyone while in hyperspace tho, so he doesn’t know to concern himself… until a red haired blur comes streaking past him into a clearing and talking all fast and frantic and then… well… have you ever see a human try to catch a rabbit that keeps running in circles? Yeah so that ensues with Dooku chasing after the tiny one while a bunch of True Mandalorians are lookin on like 👁👄👁 from the edge of the clearing cause these two Just Appeared.

And Dooku is asking why Obi-Wan felt the need to stowaway in the ship (and that it explains the ‘stowaway tooka kitten’ Komari had shiftily said she was leaving ration bars out for) and he’s finally got Obi-Wan exactly where the child does not want to be, which is perched on his hip like a toddler.

Obi-Wan keeps answering his questions with ‘can I go down now?’ And being firmly told no, unless someone had a child leash he can’t slip, he will not be put down anytime soon.

Obi-Wan gives adorable little baby growls and explains that there are ‘Kyr’tsad’ over the hill and they came to kill the Manda’lor and no one was listening to him in the temple but Obi-Wan knows the senate is ordering the Jedi to kill Haat’mando’ade and no one listened to him when it needed to be stopped-

Anyways. So. The Manda’lor and his son are like lol cause this kid really managed to escape the Jetii temple just to warn them the Death Watch was here and now he’s in Annoying Child Timeout, huh, these jetii kids are a lot like mando kids.

So Dooku hands Obi-Wan off to his co-conspirator Komari (who is also grounded but can now be trusted not to let her tiny friend wander off or she won’t leave the temple for a year) while the Jedi forces go to help the True Mandos (Obi-Wan obviously gets bored and convinces Komari to let him talk to the pretty one, Jango, so they can be friends too, and now Jango has a 12 year old who thinks he’s cute lol) and everything was happy forever ever.

Until the moment Obi-Wan gets back into the temple, at which point he is in Dumb Padawan Baby Jail which means Cin is not putting him down for a month and he will be grounded for at least two years and that vision and it actually coming true means he’s in a million new classes for the unifying force and Yoda hisses every time he sees him, which means Obi gives Yoda Extra Tight Hugs cause he seems like he could use them and also Mace got a migraine upon Obi-Wan revealing the Death Watch to the True Mandalorians and he needs to be told sorry, right now, be nice to the master, say sorry for creating a shatter point. Plo is just. Still dad shaped. I just can’t leave Plo out.

Cin refuses to let the child out of his sight for at least a week.

#star wars #obi wan kenobi #cin drallig #mace windu #master dooku #Yoda hissing every time he sees Obi is all I ever wanted #Obi brings him a frog as a peace offering #Cin puts Obi on a baby leash whenever they leave #Dooku def got his robe chewed on as punishment for not putting the child down #Jaster was about two seconds from asking if he can keep the child

292 notes · View notes

fireinmoonshot · 2 years

Text

DECEMBER DRABBLES – DAY THIRTY-ONE: Champagne Kisses with Druig from Marvel's Eternals.

Druig really hadn’t wanted to come to the New Years Eve Party. He’d been against the idea from the very start, thinking that there would be no worse way to bring in the New Year than being surrounded by too many humans all drunk on alcohol and excitement.

You had ended up convincing him a few hours before the party started, talking about how you really wanted to go and that you really wanted to be able to kiss him at midnight with a view overlooking the city.

He’d snorted and muttered a “You won’t be looking at the view, love.”

It turned out, however, that he was the one who’d gotten a little too drunk on alcohol. It wasn’t even midnight yet. There were still twenty minutes until the New Year and Druig was more than tipsy.

You stood by Sersi’s side, watching the rest of the party and talking every now and then, looking at Druig out of the corner of your eye from where he was sat by the bar, a glass in his hands.

“I don’t know how you convinced him to come,” Sersi said.

“I told him I wanted to kiss him at midnight and that somehow managed to win it over. He’s always a sucker for a midnight kiss on New Years Eve. I would have been more surprised if he’d still said no,” you smiled to yourself and took a sip of your drink.

Nevertheless, Sersi was still impressed.

She excused herself a few minutes later, wanting to go and find the others she’d come along with – humans – and left you alone. It didn’t take you long to decide to go and see Druig. It was nearing midnight, after all, and you did still want to kiss him, even if he tasted like alcohol.

He smiled at the sight of you and stood up from the chair.

“My love is here,” he slurred his words a little. “Hello, gorgeous.”

Smiling, you placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down onto the chair, moving to stand in-between his legs. You hooked your arms over his shoulders. You could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“Someone’s been having fun at this party,” you chuckled. “Thought you didn’t want to come and hang around the drunk humans?”

Druig shrugged. “I figured I needed some champagne to get through it.”

“A little more than champagne, I think.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s just been champagne! Let me prove it to you.”

Before you could even think to say anything else, Druig’s hands gently grasped your face and he kissed you. You could taste the champagne on his lips as they moved against yours.

He pulled away with a smirk. “See? Champagne.”

“Okay, I believe you,” you held your hands up in surrender.

Druig smiled to himself and wrapped his hands around your waist, pulling you closer to him. It was a little uncomfortable to stand like this between his legs, but it was clear that he wasn’t going to be moving anytime soon judging by the way he was holding you.

“How long till the midnight kiss, then? Weren’t we meant to go to the balcony and overlook the city?” He raised an eyebrow.

“You said I wouldn’t be looking at the view, so now I’m not sure…”

Druig frowned. He wasn’t happy with that answer at all, seeing as he immediately stood up, knocking straight into you, and took one of your hands in his to lead you outside towards the balcony.

It was chilly outside, a breeze making its way across the balcony, colder because of the snow, as Druig walked you over to the balustrade. His hand in yours was warm and comfortable.

“How long till midnight now?”

You looked down at your watch and read the time. 11:57. The last few minutes had passed very quickly since Sersi left you alone inside. You showed Druig the time. It was only a few minutes until the New Year.

“Do we have to wait till midnight on the dot?” Druig dropped your hand and stepped closer to you, one of his hands going to the small of your back and the other to the nape of your neck, tilting your head up towards his face. His lips were only inches away from yours.

“I think technically, we’re meant to wait,” you mutter. “But I don’t think I would mind if you started earlier…”

Druig took that as your acceptance and lowered his lips to yours. You could still taste the champagne on them like you could when he’d kissed you inside. You were so wrapped up in the feeling of his lips on yours, his hand in your hair, his hand moving up and down your back, that you didn’t even hear the sound of fireworks exploding in the air around you as the clock hit midnight and the year changed.

You started the New Year in the way you both intended to spend it: wrapped up in one another completely, with little care for anyone but each other.

#druig #druig x reader #druig x you #marvel #marvel x reader #eternals #eternals x you #eternals x reader

228 notes · View notes

strawberryspence · 3 years

Text

A Dinner and A Future

Fluff | Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary: Spencer just wants your first date to be perfect and surprisingly, it goes really well.

Word Count: 3,7k.

Warnings: some cursing, first date nerves, but that's it. just pure mindless fluff.

Writer’s Note: Hello! I've been going through a writing dry spell and the thing that solved it was writing this. I've been seeing a lot of edits on tiktok about Spencer's traumas and I just wanted to give him something simple and happy. I was also listening to Kodaline on repeat while reading this, so yeah it's going be hella sappy. Enjoy! <3

Gif is mine. Lesley Smith-Juniment, you have my heart.

Spencer is nervous.

Wait no, scratch that, nervous is not good enough. He was brimming to the edge with worry and queasiness. What other synonyms does nervous have? Spencer was antsy, anxious, perturbed, uneasy, at this point he can recite the whole thesaurus.

Spencer closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe. He can do this. He has waited for this for a long time and he won’t waste it because of burnt pasta.

Okay, he looks back at the note that David Rossi himself wrote in his own special handwriting.

1. Cook 1 pound pasta until Al Dente. Boy Genius, Al Dente should be firm when bitten. You cook it on a boiling water with salt and oil. SALT AND OIL.

2. While that’s cooking, do nothing. LITERALLY DO NOTHING. Watch it. Do the sauce later. In some miraculous way, if you don’t watch the pasta you’ll burn it.

A grin spreads across Spencer’s face as he puts down the paper and reaches for the fettuccine pasta and dropping it on the boiling water (which he measured with measuring cups he borrowed from JJ)

“Okay, now I wait for it to boil.” Spencer stares at the pasta as it cooks. Did he buy enough parmesan cheese? or enough pecorino cheese? Oh no. He looks over the other side of his counter where all the (complete) ingredients sit and he sighs in relief as if he hasn’t checked it 15 times since he started.

The pasta was still cooking and isn’t going to be firm anytime soon. Spencer ponders if he should just cook the sauce while waiting but he knows he’s going to mess it up if he doesn’t give it his undivided attention.

He looks at the watch on his wrist as it ticks to 5:21. He has one hour, thirty nine minutes and forty six seconds. He still has time before the date. The date with you.

It took him nine months, Derek and Emily annoying him to death to just ask the pretty librarian out, one extensive background research from Penelope, two separate talks of the “You deserve to be happy” advice from JJ and Hotch and one lecture about marriage from Rossi to finally ask you out.

He’s kinda annoyed really because he spent so much time thinking about you and thinking of the perfect way to ask you out but he shows up at the library you work at one day with a cup of coffee in hand and his heart on the other.

You didn’t even hesitate. There was no pause to process what he asked, there was no questions following the embarrassing stumbling of the words, “W-will you go have d-dinner with me? L-like a date... Date?” You immediately said yes with a small hop and the biggest smile on your face.

This date has to be perfect. He asked you to come to his apartment at 7. Spencer would’ve picked you up but he was making you a home made dinner and the date was taking place on the rooftop of you apartment, which Penelope and Derek helped him decorate with lights.

He tries the pasta and when its finally firm to the bite, he takes this as his queue to read the paper again. Of course, he can remember all of the instructions but Rossi still wrote it down and reading it calms his nerves.

3. If its cooked, drain your pasta water but leave a little pasta water on the side. Then you can continue.

4. In a pan on MEDIUM heat (just around 2-3 on the stove setting) cook one pound diced pancetta and 1 cup chopped onions in olive. Put this down and chop chop!

Spencer puts the paper down as he follows the instructions to drain the pasta. After he was done with it he puts the pan on the stove and starts chopping up the ingredients he needs.

Cooking is strangely calming. He never thought he’d find it calming. He always found himself burning stuff. So he sticks to the microwaveable meals and fast foods, even if he knows the statistics about these kinds of food.

After finishing the chopping he reaches over the paper and reads it again.

5. Are you done? Okay. Put the chopped stuff on the pan with olive oil and cook it until the pancetta is browned and onions are soft.

He immediately follows the instructions written. The onion and pancetta create a silent hiss as it hits the pan. As it cook he looks down again.

6. That’s going to take a while, so leave it but stay by its side. I am giving you permission to do two things at once. Dr. Reid, please be mindful of it.

Spencer rolls his eyes before proceeding to #7.

7. Combine the two cheeses. Then divide it in half. Then pour the half into 4 egg YOLKS. Just yolks! The yellow ones! Then beat it lightly until its really combined.

He has already separated the egg yolks from the whites (a job he didn’t think would be that hard but was surprisingly very hard) before he started cooking. He adds the combination of cheeses to the eggs and lightly beats it as he watches the pan of onions and pancetta sizzle.

When done with the egg and cheese combo, he gives the pan a stir before looking back down.

8. Is the egg done? Yes? Good. Is the pancetta and onion good? Yes? Good.

9. Okay, now you put your pasta in the pancetta pan.

10. REMOVE IT FROM THE HEAT! REMOVE IT!

Spencer follows the instructions to the T. He puts the pasta on the pancetta, gives it a stir and immediately removes it from the heat. He sighs in relief. He hasn’t burned anything yet.

11. You haven’t burned anything yet? I am proud of you.

12. Now, pour the egg mixture into the pan and toss the pasta until coated. TOSS IT GENTLY. If you’re scared use tongs.

13. Pour about 1/4 cup of the pasta water I told you to set aside earlier. You don’t have to pour all 1/4 cup, just until you get the creaminess you want.

Spencer reaches over the nearest tongs. He’s not going to toss anything tonight that involves pastas or pans. He’s taking the safe road because he wants everything to be perfect.

14. Add the rest of your cheese! Toss some more and then add salt and pepper as NEEDED!

15. You can serve it with parsley.

16. Now, go take a shower and change into some cleaner clothes.

17. Just be you and have fun, Spencer. Goodluck! :)

Spencer smiles as he puts the paper down and makes the finals touches to the pasta. He starts doing what was instructed and it surprisingly, ends up in the perfect texture. Just like the one he tasted when Rossi had a pasta night.

He was proud of himself as he takes it off the stove and makes sure that all the stoves are turned off. There was this report he read in 2018, that cooking and leaving the stove open was the leading cause of home fires.

He takes the food, puts it into a fancy tupperware (another thing he borrowed from JJ) and puts it in the microwave. He cleans up a little and stuffs the pans and pots to the dishwasher, because you are coming in his apartment even for a second.

He starts getting himself ready for the date with a shower. As the warm water glides through his body he thinks of how funny life could be.

Spencer first meets you in the library. He has not slept well in weeks so instead he opts to go to the library to get some reading done. But as soon as he sits in one of the (surprisingly) comfortable leather chairs, its as if sleep knocks him out. It wasn’t until the closing time that you wake him up and he thinks that you were an angel sent for him. This elicits a giggle from you.

“I am sorry, I am not an angel. I am just the librarian and we’ve been close for over an hour now. I just didn’t want to wake you up. You looked like you really needed that sleep.” Spencer immediately jumps to his feet as he apologizes profusely to the kind librarian, “Oh, it’s okay! Don’t say sorry. I was also reading so I didn’t mind the peace and quiet.”

That’s how Spencer meets you. He comes back a few days later after a case with coffee, croissant and an apology. You immediately become friends and thats how all of this started. Spencer finds himself falling in love with the kind, gorgeous, clever librarian faster than he expected.

Every week after that, Spencer comes to the library with pastries and coffees for his favourite librarian and every week, you welcome Spencer with a warm smile and a new book for him to read. He can read it in one sitting but he reads it in the slowest pace he could so it can last for a week.

Spencer comes out the shower and stares at his closet. Should he go casual or formal? Casual or formal? Its just dinner, he’s chill and casual is the way. He picks one of the few plaid shirts that he has and puts it on with a white shirt underneath. He tries to brush his hair, it sits for a moment before it starts curling again. He cringes but leaves it be.

Spencer proceeds to the kitchen to start packing the food into a wicker basket (that he also borrowed from JJ, he basically borrowed her whole kitchen). He packs the utensils in a table napkin that comes with the basket. The main course for the date was the carbonara, and the dessert was a tiramisu Penelope made.

He reaches over his sofa where the bouquet of paper flowers are. He made it a few nights ago with Penelope’s help. He stayed up to make more of it with old books he found in the BAU.

Because what kind of flowers is the best flowers for librarians? Origami flowers made with old book pages.

He shouldn’t be nervous. You’ve been friends for all the months that he didn’t have enough courage to ask you out. You’ve taken trips to old bookstores together for book hunting. This shouldn’t be different from your other trips.

The pitter patter of rain against his window takes him out of his thoughts.

“Shit! Is it raining!?” Spencer yelps, before opening the closed curtains. Beads of water runs down his windows and if its any other day he would love it. But not tonight, when he planned a rooftop date. He cringes as he thinks of the fairy lights hanged up and the table set up that is probably soaked now.

“Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Think, Spencer, think.” Spencer thinks fast. He finds the extra table cloth that JJ gave him because “Just in case.” He reminds himself to buy her a bottle of wine as a thank you. He places it in his small kitchen table before taking the utensils out of the basket and placing it on the table in a fancy way.

Candles. Does he have candles? Spencer scrambles around his kitchen, like a chicken without its head, looking for candles and he finds it underneath the kitchen sink. He lights some of it up and props it into some glasses (he doesn’t have a candle holder he realizes after lighting it up).

With the lights dimmed down leaving the light from the window and the light from the candles, his dark apartment gives off a romantic, kind of comfortable, vibes. It was kind of perfect because with the books on his shelves and the lighting, it actually has the same vibes a library gives off.

He was ready now, bouquet of paper flowers in hand. He can’t believe how smooth things are going, minus the damn rain. Only thing that’s missing is you.

A knock comes to the door and he instantly opens it. There you were, hair a bit wet and messed up from the rain.

His future was bundled up in a cozy cardigan and a pair of jeans right in front of his eyes and he didn’t even know it.

“Hi.” Spencer smiles.

“Hi.” You smile.

“A little to the right. No. No. Too much right, now give it a little bit to the left.” You sigh, your hand under your chin, “No, no, baby, its crooked.”

“Love, can we do this later? The pancetta is going to burn.” Spencer laughs as he climbs down the ladder with the frame.

“But you said you’ll help me with putting up the frames!” You pout at him, Spencer chuckles before kissing your nose, “I know but you also asked for my famous carbonara and I can’t do both at the same time.”

“Hmmm. I still don’t think you can call it yours when its originally Dave’s.” You follow him to the kitchen, zigzagging through the boxes of books you’ve both barely opened.

“What he doesn’t know, won’t kill him.” He winks at you before giving the pancetta and onions a stir.

“It already smells good, love.” You snake your arms through his waist and lean your head on his back. Spencer lets go of the spatula and spins around to face you.

“Thank you, sweetheart. Go unbox some of the books and I’ll call you when its cooked so we can fix the frames. Okay?” Spencer kisses the top of your head and lets you go.

You walk out of the kitchen to the hallway full of boxes full of books. You chuckle as you open the nearest box and its just full of chemistry books. You push it to the room where Luke, Derek and Spencer has built shelves for all of your books. An olive green couch sits in the corner beside the built in fireplace.

Hmmm. This is your home library but as a former librarian the dewey decimal is calling you. But then again, the books you and Spencer have doesn’t have classifications on them. You began unpacking the chemistry books and placing it on the shelf. You can hear the distinct hiss of the pan and Spencer humming Kodaline’s The One.

You push in another box from the hallway to the room and its another one of Spencer’s, this one full of philosophy books. You start unpacking it to the shelf below the chemistry books before stopping as you pull out a book that doesn't belong with the philosophy books. A smile graces your face as your hands glides unto it. It was the book Spencer bought for you on your first anniversary.

The Peter Pan cover is a bit tattered, it was an older edition he found in your favorite old bookstore. You open the book and Spencer’s messy writing greets you with nostalgia.

“We are most alive when we are in love. Thank you for making me feel alive everyday for the past year. Happy Anniversary, love. I live a full life as I love you fully.”

You smile at the book before hugging it to your chest. You sigh deeply as you looked around the room and how it felt so surreal to be in the new home you share with Spencer.

“Love, I am finish. Come meet me in the hallway!” You leave the book on the shelf as you hear Spencer calling you.

“Are you helping me with the frames?” You clap, excited to finally put up the frames. Spencer smiles as he sees you excited to put up the pictures.

“Yes, okay you need to tell me if they’re straight okay?” He instructs before climbing the ladder.

“To the right, just a bit. Oh! Perfect!” You scramble to reach for another frame as he comes down the ladder to move it, “Here! This one.” He climbs again and you instruct him with directions for the frame again.

After a few more frames, he finally comes down and looks at the frames you asked to be put up.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Spencer smiles down at you and gives your cheek a kiss as he wraps his hands around your waist, “It is. Thank you for framing them.”

The frames comes in different shapes and forms, the biggest one in the middle is the picture of your wedding day. Your wedding took place in a library you immediately fell in love with when looking for places to get married at.

In the picture, you were smiling, your head rested on Spencer's shoulder as he reads a Harry Potter book he found in the kids section. It was a candid moment, both of you running to the back of the shelves to get a moment to yourselves after the wedding and the photographer snapped it before leaving the two of you in peace.

Beside it are pictures with the team on the wedding day, some on thanksgiving, christmas, new year with the BAU team, some with your family, some with Diana and in the corner is a shadow box containing the paper bouquet that Spencer gave you on your first date, the same exact flowers that was in your hands as you walk down the aisle to him.

“So, how's the first six months of officially being a Reid-Y/L/N?” Spencer teases as he lets you go from the back hug to face you and you roll your eyes at him, ��Oh very hard. They hear Reid and they immediately expect greatness.”

Spencer laughs, “Same as the last name Y/L/N.” This time your the one who laughs at his statement, “Uhhh. I am not the one with 3 PhDs and 3 BAs.”

“And I am not the one whose a New York Times best selling author.” Spencer laughs even more when he sees your nose crinkles, making his heart dance and swell in glee.

“Hey, let’s dance.” He takes your arms and leaves it on his shoulders as he wraps his arms on your waist.

“We don’t have music, you silly goofy boy.” Spencer rolls his eyes at the endearment used, “I’ll sing.” He hushes you down.

“You make my heart feel like it's summer when the rain is pouring down.” Spencer’s singing voice was soft and sweet in the edges. Most nights you lull him to sleep with your humming to keep the monsters at bay and some days, his better days, he’s the one who sings and these were the days you treasure the most.

“You make my whole world feel so right when it's wrong, that's how I know you are the one... That’s how I know you are the one.” He sways you to the gentle buzz of his voice. You close your eyes as he sings the same song he sings to your ears on the dance floor for you first dance as a married couple.

“When we are together, you make me feel like my mind is free and my dreams are reachable hmmm.” Spencer hums as he runs his hands on your back. Your head on his chest and your ear listening to the way his heart is beating for you.

“You know I never ever believed in love, I believed one day that you would come along and free me.” Spencer feels at ease as he sways and sings, knowing that he’ll have you in his arms for the rest of his life.

The song ends but you and Spencer continue to sway to the music of silence.

“Can you believe its been 4 years since our first date?” Spencer asks, in disbelief of how fast time is running when he’s with you. You pull away from his chest so you can face him. You find a small spark in Spencer’s eyes as he thinks fondly of the night.

“Really? 4 years since our first date got rained on and Penelope cried because we broke all her fairy lights?” Spencer laughs before protesting, “Hey! I paid for that!”

"4 years later and I still can't get enough of that damn carbonara." Spence cackles, like an evil villain, "Don't tell Rossi that I stole his recipe for my beautiful partner."

"4 years later and I am still completely in love with you." Spencer smiles as he leans down to place a small kiss on your temple.

"4 years since I almost completely lost my mind because I was so nervous about our date." You roll your eyes, "Love, our first date was perfect. We've had this debate how many times now?"

"19 times." Spencer answers and you pinch his nose before looking around the room that’s still full of unopened boxes, “See. We should probably eat lunch and unpack. Why do we even have so many boxes of books?”

“Honey, you were a librarian and you are a writer. I am a professor and FBI agent that can read 20,000 words per minute.” Spencer answers as he looks around the unpacked house.

You smile fondly at him before standing on your tiptoes a bit to reach him and give him a kiss and he immediately steadies you with his hands. Kissing you was intoxicating and Spencer loves every bit of it. You only pull away when the kiss finally takes away your breathe.

“I love you, Spence.” You smile as you hold his face in your hands, “I love you more, sweetheart.” He smiles at you as you untangle yourself from him.

“Let’s eat your famous carbonara and unpack the rest of our house. It doesn’t really feel like home when all we can see is boxes.” You giggle before dragging him to the kitchen, making Spencer sit on the island as you prepare the pasta he cooked. Spencer watches you as you sing and dance through the kitchen in one of his old cardigans.

He doesn’t say anything but you were wrong. Home is not four walls with unpacked boxes and hundreds of books.

Home was when you showed up bundled in a cardigan, wet from the rain for your first date with him and home is still you, four years later, bundled up in his old cardigans and singing songs that magically fills and heals the crevices of his heart.

the recipe i copied for the famous carbonara!

taglist (if you want to be added, please message me 🥰): @all-tings-diego @shemarmooresfedora @averyhotchner @samuel-de-champagne-problems @bingereid

465 notes · View notes