#I think it will be very cathartic to have something from all this LITERALLY cut out of me actually

[joycrispy]

I have (very minor) surgery tomorrow to repair the last (I hope) of the physical side-effects of 2022. Which means a significant source of chronic pain will be gone, and also, that's one more thing about it all that I never have to think about again.

Good riddance.

#about me #one day I might write about the full extent of how badly ptsd just Fucked Me Up #but for now --even now-- most of what I feel is relief and determination and focus. I've found peace and I'm digging my heels in. #not much time or inclination towards bitterness #this post is one last snarl for the road #I think it will be very cathartic to have something from all this LITERALLY cut out of me actually #anyway. I'm bone tired and a little sick/sore From The Thing but it's been such a good week; despite despite despite #the work continues

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 70 – American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis

I’m honestly not sure I ever would have gotten around to reading this on my own, but ended up buying it through the ‘blind date with a book’ thing a bookstore in New York was doing when I was visiting (incredible gimmick, for the record). The fact that it then took me a solid three months to actually finish probably tells you something about how genuinely difficult a read I found it. Not in the sense of being bad, but just legitimately difficult to stomach at points. Overall I’d call it a real triumph of literature.

Not that anyone doesn’t already know, but; the book is spent inside the head of Patrick Bateman, high-flying wall street trader and Harvard blueblood at the close of the Reagan era. Also a serial killer. The story is told as a series of more or less disconnected vignettes, jumping from dinner conversations at one exclusive bar or club or another to the brutal torture and murder of a sex worker to several pages of incredibly vapid pontification on Nina Simone’s discography. The story vaguely tracks Bateman growing ever-more alienated and out of control as the year goes on, but there’s very much not any real single narrative or cathartic climax here. - most stuff just happens (stuff that’s either incredibly tedious or utterly nauseating by turns but still just, stuff).

So yeah this is an intensely literary work (obviously), a word I’m here using to mean one that is as much about the form and style of the writing as about the actual events portrayed. Bateman is a monster, but more than that he’s just an utterly boring and tedious husk of a man, traits which are exaggerated to the point of being fascinating– if you told this story in conventional third person narration without all the weird asides, it would be a) like half as long and b) totally worthless. The tonal whiplash of going from an incredibly visceral depiction of Bateman cutting out the eyes of a homeless man to six (utterly insipid) pages on the merits of The Doors is the selling point here (well actually I think Ellis goes back to that specific well probably one time too many, but in general I mean).

Bateman is a tedious, unstable monster, but as far as the book has an obvious thesis it’s that he differs from the rest of his social milieu only in degree. A symptom of a fundamentally rotten society, not a heroic devil among sheep. The book’s climax, such as it is, involved Bateman getting into a drug-fueled gunfight with the NYPD, shooting multiple people in the middle of the street, and then stumbling home and leaving a rambling confession to every crime on his lawyer’s answering machine – but despite very clearly wanting and trying to get caught and face some sort of consequence or justice, people just refuse to believe that someone like him is capable of anything like that. (It’s not, it must be said, an especially subtle book).

There is, as far as I can recall, not a single character who gets enough screentime to give an idea of their personality who I’d call likeable. Sympathetic, sure, but that’s mostly because it’s pretty much impossible not to sympathize with someone getting horrifically tortured and torn apart (at one point a starving rat is involved). The upper crust of New York yuppie-dom is portrayed as shallow and vapid, casually bigoted towards quite literally everyone who isn’t identical to them, status-obsessed to the point of only being able to understand the world as a collection of markers of class and coolness, and totally incapable of real human connection. Bateman is a monster not because of any freak abnormality, but just because he takes all of that a few steps further than his coworkers.

The book is totally serious and straight-faced in its presentation, and absolutely never acknowledges any of the running gags that are kept up through it. Which shows impressive restraint, and also means that none of them exactly have a payoff or a punchline – it’s just a feature of the world that all the expensive meals at trendy restaurants everyone competes for tables at sound disgusting when you think about them for a moment, or that the whole class of wall street trader guy are so entirely interchangeable that ostensible close friends and coworkers constantly mistake each other for other traders and no one particularly cares. Or – and I’m taking this on faith because fuck knows I’ve got no idea what any of the brands people are wearing are – that the ruinously expensive outfits everyone spends so very much time and money on for every engagement all clash comically if you actually looked up what the different pieces looked like. The book’s in no way really a comedy, so the jokes sit a bit oddly, but they’re still overall pretty funny, at least to me.

I like to think I have something of a strong stomach for unpleasant material in books, but this was the first work of fiction that I had genuine trouble reading for content reasons in I can’t even remember. I’m not sure it’s exactly right to call the violence pornographic in a general sense, but as far as American Psycho goes the register and tone Bateman uses to describe fucking a woman and torturing her to death are basically identical (and told in similarly explicit detail), and all of Bateman’s sexual fantasies are more or less explicitly just porn scenes he wants to recreate, so. Regardless, the result’s pretty alienating in both cases – his internal monologue never really feels anything but detached and almost bored as he relays what he does, sound exactly as vapid and alienated as when he is carefully listing the exact brands and designers every person he ever interacts with is wearing at all times, or arguing over dinner reservations for hours on end with his friends and lovers (though both those terms probably deserve heavy airquotes around them). He legitimately sounds considerably more engaged when talking about arguing over sartorial etiquette. It all adds up to a really strong alienating effect.

Anyways, speaking of sex and violence – perhaps because my main exposure to the story before this was tumblr making memes out of scenes from the movie, but I was pretty shocked by just how explicitly awful Patrick is ‘on screen’. The horrible murder, sure, but also just the casual and frequent use of racist and homophobic slurs, the pathological misogyny, the total breakdown he has at the idea of a gay man being attracted to him and thinking he might reciprocate – all of these are entirely in character for an asshole Wall Street ‘80s Guy even if he wasn’t a serial killer, but it’s still oddly shocking at first to see it so thoroughly represented on the page. It makes how comparatively soft-pedaled the bigotry and just, awfulness, of villains in a lot of more modern books stand out a lot more, I suppose? I have read a lot of books that are in some sense About queerness and/or racism in the last year, and no one in any of them holds a candle to good old Patrick Bateman.

Part of that is just the book being so intensely of its time, I suppose. The New York of this book is very much one of the late ‘80s, incredible wealth living side by side with social rot and decay, crippling poverty everywhere and a society that has to a great degree just stopped caring. Absolutely none of which Bateman or any of his peers care one bit about, of course – they’re too busy showing off the latest walkmans and record players, going to the newest clubs, and just generally enjoying all the fruits of Reagan’s America. Recent history has made the fact that Bateman’s personal idol is Donald Trump almost too on the nose to be interesting, but in 1991 I’m sure it was a bit more subtle in how telling it was.

Anyway, yeah, horrifying and exhausting read, triumph of literature, my god did Easton Ellis hate America (this is a compliment). Now time to go watch the movie!

#book review #literature #american psycho #brett easton ellis

[sunny12th]

2, 6, 8, 15 for dany!!!

Under the cut <3 ty for asking

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

Dany is never what anyone expects her to be, narratively and from a meta standpoint. We don't expect a female character, far removed from the main point of magic in the story, to find her own magic and be a destined hero. We don't expect a child rape victim to have a lusty, consensual, and fun romance with a side character. She was not expected to survive khal drogo or the red waste. She was not expected to pivot at every turn and find a third way. And we didn't expect the very real consequences to come from her actions in slavers bay. No one expected the wide spread consequences across Essos from her actions - a slave revolution brewing. No one thought we'd get to see what might happen when a revolutionary character actually commits to the revolution and then has to handle the fallout. That feels so rare to me. She exists so far removed from what the average fantasy reader, or reader in general, would expect to find in a book and I think the fandom takes this for granted sometimes.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

Not going into detail but- isolated childhoods with not very good siblings, messy family history, and a whole heaping of desperation. Looking back, it's pretty blatant why I latched onto Dany when I first read agot back when I was like 14/15. Projection and cathartic healing babeyyyy 🔛🔝

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

In another ask, I said that I hate when the fandom uses Dany's family/ancestry as evidence for her impending madness. Along with that, I also really dislike the notion that Dany should have not acted at all to free the Unsullied and other slaves because she didn't have a clear enough plan to handle the fallout. This idea that, because she couldn't do this Perfectly she should not have done it at all. For obvious reasons lmao. One reason I like Dany is that doing nothing goes against her character and usually leads to negative consequences for her, as in Meereen.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

I'm not overly invested in any of Dany's ships tbh. That being said, my fave is Dany/Jhogo. I am probably one of 3 people that like them. grrm is an excellent writer when he cares to be one but he didn't care for the Dothraki. Why are none of the bloodriders allowed any interiority or ... personalities. Or anything that might let them feel like distinct characters that warrant the level of proximity and relevance they have to Dany. 'blood of my blood' - was this supposed to mean something? Because it couldve meant a lot! especially to a character like Dany, with no blood relations and desperate for family. Besides Jorah, the bloodriders and her dothraki handmaids are the characters she spends the most time with since book one.

Anyways, Jhogo has a bit more personality than the other bloodriders, he's 'of an age' with Dany (all the bloodriders are around the same age), and it just has so much potential. The royal guard/royalty trope but outside the culture we usually see this is. And!!! They've seen each other literally at their lowest. They survived the red waste together, sacked cities together. Jhogo is held hostage for her right now, along with Daario. I can't pull up the quote right now but Barristan remarks that Jhogo is indispensable to Dany, or smth like that, in his POV chapter. They grew up together, learned how to be strong together. If grrm had cared, they couldve been a top tier romance. It wouldn't have felt rushed or like they were pulled together through fate. Could've just been two lost kids growing into love. But this wouldve required grrm putting effort into the Dothraki characters and he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't feel the need to do this.

#went on a lil tangent there #i also like the dany/daario that exists in my head #daenerys targaryen #mine #ask game #ty for asking!

[thelostgirl21]

"My number-one priority, which I said to her, was just to make sure that we were doing it right and that we did it sensitively with a care and a kinship, and I wanted to avoid all kinds of stereotyping, really. So there was an awful lot of script rewrites and things like that. We deleted whole scenes in favour of songs. So I brought in a new song, and I said: 'Can we just cut all this dialogue, and I can just sing something?'" - Joey Batey, Digital Spy interview

The first time I watched that scene, when Jaskier started singing that last part to Prince Radovid:

Of them, I’ve had enough. With you, I have enough. With you, I am enough. I am… I am enough...

I literally started crying. Because, although it's played for laughs, since the beginning of the show, Jaskier's often been portrayed like this "annoying character" that tries too hard to be liked, wanted, and involved in his friends' lives... to find his "forever home"...

But often, he just gets punched in the gut, blamed for everything going wrong in other people's lives, gets told off when he tries to introduce himself or be included in moments where people are there to offer each other comfort (but apparently want none from him) as a result...

Season 2 started to make some progress on that, with Yennefer and Geralt allowing themselves to show more vulnerability around him, and telling him that his help his needed...

Season 3 saw characters that are usually so quick to dismiss him and treat him harshly (ex: Yarpen Zigrin) actually thank him, when they realize how selfless Jaskier can be, and the risks he is willing to take to help others (even those that treat him like an annoying nuisance)...

But still, he'd gotten used, at some point, to being "barely tolerated" rather than "wanted". And his "break up" with Geralt broke his heart and hurt him so much that, although forgiven, I believe it did leave some scars...

As someone with ADHD (that has a tendency to get overexcited about a bunch of things without noticing that it doesn't interest people, impulsively interrupt them with my thoughts, follow them around, and "impose my presence" without meaning to) and associated rejection sensitive dysphoria, Jaskier's behavior and emotional responses are something very easy for me to identify with.

And having him sing "With you I am enough. I am enough," hit me right in the feels, in the most cathartic way!

Prince Radovid is the first person we met on the show, I think, that was shown as being immediately happy to meet Jaskier, wished to adopt that puppy and bring him home right away, saw him as being irresistible and special, envied Geralt for having Jaskier as a friend/companion, couldn't get enough of his singing, and listened when he talked to the things he didn't say...

Knowing that it is Joey himself that just decided to basically show up to work with that song he'd written, and ask if he could sing it instead of using the dialogue in the script, just ended up offering yet another layer to that scene.

When hearing him sing:

"It’s not a want, it’s a need, it is paying no heed to what others say to sing."

now, I can't help but feel like there's some kind of "meta" dimension to those lyrics, as the actor chose to sing what he - as the person embodying Jaskier - wanted to sing, rather than what had been scripted and what others would have wanted him to sing.

That song feels deeply personal, born out of a very intimate understanding of the character, and how being treated the way that he used to be treated would have emotionally and psychologically affected him.

I'll be 100% honest, when Joey was talking about the sapioromantic connection between the characters, and explaining how Radovid wore a mask, was a bit of a mystery to him, and how Jaskier would become fascinated and wish to figure him out...

...I was genuinely concerned that they'd somehow manage to "romanticize" yet another toxic relationship, where the two characters would constantly be trying to outsmart and play mind games with each other.

But that's not it at all. They are both seeing what they try so hard to hide from others. Prince Radovid's environment is highly toxic and dysfunctional (as Jaskier aptly described, he's stuck in a vipers' den) - knowing too much, or not enough - can mean life or death for him.

Whereas Jaskier tries so hard to meet expectations and be what others need or want him to be - give voice to other people's issues, stories and problems - that he all but becomes invisible to others himself as a process.

Sure, they know his name and his songs. But they don't know Jaskier's own soul or story. He fades away in the background for the benefit of others.

They are both trying to figure each other out not because they are people that enjoy indulging in court intrigues, manipulating others, and dominating "the game" for their own gain...

They are trying to emotionally connect with the good, beautiful, and vulnerable parts of themselves that they have been forced to hide from the rest of the world to survive.

They are highly insightful empathetic individuals using their gifts on each other to empower each other, rather than malignant narcissists using their perceptiveness to control each other.

This is an extremely refreshing and healthy relation dynamic that I was sort of hoping for - since Joey put so much emphasis on how important it was for him to offer a relationship that may be flawed, but handled sensitively and carefully without resorting to stereotypes - but this totally went above and beyond my expectations!

If Joey Batey himself isn't queer, then he's got such a capacity for love and emotional empathy that he's apparently able to care about queer issues with the intensity and insightfulness of someone that has experienced them.

The fact that he's using queer labels and sub-categories that are often lesser known by people outside of the LGBTQ+ community to describe Jaskier's sexuality (sapioromantic, panromantic or pansexual...), as well as talking about issues affecting non-monosexuals, such as the desire to avoid bisexual erasure, brings some much needed attention towards the richness and diversity of the LGBTQ+ community!

I sincerely couldn't be happier, or more grateful...

Apparently, there are plans to further explore Ciri's bisexuality, too, with the introduction of Mistle in Season 3!

Here's hoping they'll be using Jaskier as "queer consultant" for the other queer romances on the show...

Also, the relationship between our sweet Bi!Ciri and her weird Pan!Uncle Jaskier means everything to me...

I'm trying to remember if Ciri has been exposed to any models of queer romances in her life...

I mean, most unions between princes and princesses, or kings and queens, are often political alliances. They might have same gender consorts, but I'm not sure that this is something they would have educated younger princesses about, or made very "public".

I sort of want to have her catch Jaskier and Radovid while they are kissing at some point, and realize that the innocent crush she had on Triss in Season 2 is something that is perfectly normal, and that she shouldn't be afraid nor ashamed of that part of herself.

Maybe even go to him and start asking him questions about it... That would be a very thoughtful and sensitive way to explore what being queer means in the world of the Witcher; having Ciri learn, directly from Jaskier, about the potential risks associated with being in an openly gay relationship.

There would really be such an opportunity for the two of them to continue to bond over something like this, and Ciri would know that she's got someone that genuinely loves her and that she can trust to support her and the choices she makes regarding her love life in the future, no matter what.

I can see so many possibilities, though I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about this (since if they went that route, it would just seem too good to be true!)...

#Jaskier #Pan Jaskier #Pansexual Jaskier #The Witcher #Radskier #Pansexuality #Radovid #OTP: You Learned My Song #Extraordinary Things #Panromantic Jaskier #Panromantism #Sapioromantic Jaskier #Sapioromantism #Bisexual Ciri #Bisexuality #LGBTQ+ #The Witcher Spoilers #Queer representation #done right... #Thus far at least! #My Posts #My Stuff #My Thoughts #Videos #Feels! #All the freaking feels! #Love and Diversity win! #Best way to conclude Pride Month!

[stevie-petey]

hello i wanted to say this earlier when you were talking about the wiritng of duffer brothers and specifically how they will likely be bringing back the love triangle again and i just wanted to add how it feels like a step back for all three of them! i felt like nancy breaking up with steve was important for both of them, for steve to realise that he needs to do some serious introspection and let go of the life that he knows is fake, and for nancy it feels doubly important to not attempt to stick with something just because it was there in the past, and instead allow herself to move on from a stage she feels complete with and move onto what she really wants (johnathan), even if it's unconventional! and then for johnathan it felt like the more classic, someone is choosing me when i am not usually chosen moment. i honestly, truly, wouldn't even be that mad if they break jancy up, just because, y'know they're like 19-20, and it's okay for nancy to decide she wants to explore things outside of hawkins and it's pretty normal for most people, and would strengthen that "moving on" theme they were able to capture in s2, but if she goes back to steve.............hmmmm. feels unfair thematically for steve to go back to a person he dated during a specific period of his life he wants to get away from, feels unsatisfying for nancy wheeler to be delegated to Love Interest TM (as u mentioned) AGAIN, and feels bad for johnathan because omg why??!!?!? would u do that to a character whose already lost a lot of the importance and relevance that he used to have???? remember when he used to be the main character (not to mention they literally cut out his new friend argyle for the hell of it). idk i feel like after s2 they just stopped caring about a lot of these core characters and there are so many moments i could point to and be like hey guys nice regressing you did there.

my apologies, this is getting really wrong, but you mentioned that you like themes and i LOVE your themes it's very cathartic. i am excited for s3 to see character themes continue because i understand ur working with the show itself here but it immediately upset me when they made, like, russian soldiers, the main villain of the season. i felt like we had developed two very good seasons exploring the US's ability to use its citizen's bodies, especially women and girls' bodies, in its war for imperial power, and were doing some good digging at the crux of the cold war, with the upside down and its monsters making up great metaphors for the war crimes and unnatural horrors it's willing to unleash onto people as long as the government and military benefits, with brenner and the scientists and the labs all representing this part of the government. and then we get "russian communists are bad".......right......and i'm sure you believe that....... i understand that they needed like a new villain, but i think it would have been better for them to continue that thematic critique they had established already. like, the base being in the lab is perfect! wow! what an immediate link to capitalism and consumerism in reaganamics and the ways it is designed to hypnotise you to spend your money and feed the economy that thrives on unethical practices and can only exist if it has a population hooked into the addiction of product consumption that in turn provides the economics to increase the empire. DO SOMETHING WITH THAT, GODDAMIT. The mindflayer even mind controls people which fits so well into this theme but they insisted on having the russians be the human villains of the show and it blew it so bad for me :(. i don't know exactly what they should have done, but i think maybe even having a portal open to the upside down because of all the artificial-ness of the mall mixed with the constant ads trying to convince (ie control) people to bye stuff mixing with hawkins freakiness would have been more fulfilling for me. obviously i know you won't be doing anything like that but i'm excited to get some relief through character relationships from this huge problem i have with the duffer brothers.

yeaaaaah u can def tell the show was going a bit haywire once season 3 released BUT the seasons vibes were immaculate u cannot argue with that. however yeah its wack how they brought up some cool villains and powers and then just. dropped it. do we know what happened to all those flayed people ???

as for jonathans character just becoming less and less important as the seasons go on ,,,, i grieve that every day. he deserves so much better in that aspect. and nancy !!! and steve !!!! like the love triangle pisses me OFF !!!!

as for ur russian rant imma be real i followed a bit of it but my brain is so sleepy and im not a history buff but ur SO real and valid for all that. i think the russians were fun but apparently everyone hates them ??? wild. i also have poor media literacy but thats not important rn

#procrastinationprincesses #ask #m speaks #like seriously did everyone just die who were flayed #did everyone just believe the mall fire story ???? #why would they all conveniently be at the mall at the same time #sigh

[andrewminyardapologist]

⚠️⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️

-Andrew's trauma

-Banana fish

-Nothing graphic or explicit, but mentioned and very emotionally heavy

Less friendly idea re: The Foxes watching anime

I could see Andrew watching banana fish. I think he would notice Neil's interest in the sports animes and decide to see if there are ones that he might be interested in.

I think he would know what he was getting into before he watched it, and frankly I think he would bring it up with Bee before he did. Bee would most likely caution him to watch only one episode at a time, make a plan for if he gets triggered, and make sure he's in an okay headspace to engage with that kind of media. I also assume this is likely several years after TKM and he's made a lot of progress in therapy.

When people dissociate very heavily and disconnect with extremely traumatic events it is quite literally not even safe for them to visit those memories. Even talking about it could send someone into fight or flight, which is useless when you are trying to PROCESS trauma after it's over. It can even be more traumatic. However, there's a decent amount of evidence to show that engaging with it through media can be almost a stepping stone. A safe way to engage with those topics and emotions but from a distance that makes it bearable to do so.

All this is to say I think Andrew would really relate to Ash Lynx and while sometimes it would really hurt to watch this show, ultimately it would be really cathartic for him to have this way of saying "this is how I feel" without having to actually say it. He might show specific parts to Bee to explain complicated thoughts he can't verbalize without help yet and Bee would help him find a way to use that to talk about himself. Inch by inch.

I wouldn't be surprised if he showed some scenes to Neil as well. The part where Ash breaks down to Eiji and cries even though he refuses to be anything but strong almost anywhere else. He's showing this to Neil and Neil just nods and tells Andrew, "I understand. You don't have to say it." And asks if Andrew wants to put his head on Neil's shoulder. Do I think he's going to break down and cry? No, but it's enough. The way they care for each other is enough.

Other scenes I think Andrew would specifically relate to:

-When Max? I think it was? Burns the folder of pictures of Ash from when he was abused. I think for Andrew that's Neil having Proust killed. Knowing that his past can't come back to hurt him anymore, that it can't be used against him. (I think Aaron killing Drake might also resonate here but it's more about the emotional manipulation of knowing someone has EVIDENCE of the worst moments of your life)

-Andrew shows Bee the scene where Ash is being held captive and stops eating, then has that sort of shock induced manic episode where he's laughing really hard.

-Takes him a moment to speak after that, a full minute or two, but he tells Bee that's how he felt on the meds sometimes and how he felt after what happened with Drake in TRK

-Eiji getting shot. Baltimore. I think that one is pretty clear cut. I don't think he would show anyone this to explain a feeling because everyone already knows. I think he might just really you know "go through it" a little while watching it.

-Ash going to prison but not the really awful parts. I just think he would find it funny that this other blonde guy that he really relates to also went to prison. He'd send Neil a picture of Ash in a jumpsuit captioned "mood" or something

-Knife fight, Andrew is terrifyed for Ash and also finds it funny that Ash is good with knives

-That scene where Ash (post being SAed) is sitting down on the box and he's shaking really hard and screams "don't touch me," and stops shaking when Eiji holds him. I don't have a specific parallel for this necessarily, but I think about how hard Andrew was shaking after Aaron killed Drake and how the only thing he cared about was making sure Aaron was alright. I know it's not exactly the same dynamic and situation, but both of those moments feel very similar to me in the sense that this awful thing has happened, and everyone is coming off of adreniline, and the primary concern is "make sure my people are safe and not injured"

- When Yut-Lung hands Ash a gun and tells him "pull the trigger and I won't lay a finger on Eiji" and Ash doesn't even blink. When he realizes it's empty he says "No bullets? Give me a bullet." Protective of their people and don't give a shit about their own safety in the process.

-When Ash is institutionalized and tortured. I think the situation is a lot different but forced drugging? Abuse? Held against your will in a hospital? Andrew draws some uncomfortable parallels there.

-Dino falling to his death in episode 24: Andrew is watching this alone in his room, headphones on. Neil and Kevin are in the living room watching exy and the rest of the Foxes are who knows where but mostly in their dorms. Out of absolutely fucking nowhere they hear Andrew let out the most absolutely swear filled stream of "fuck you, you piece of shit, rot in fucking hell, thank FUCK get WRECKED you absolute pediculous fucking scumbag, mother fucking quisquilian bag of dicks, take that you fucking bastard..." Etc etc etc for a solid 30 seconds.

-Neil and Kevin burst in thinking Andrew's LOST IT to find him sitting at the desk half out of his chair cursing at a computer screen and flipping it off with both hands. By the time the other Foxes get there Neil and Kevin are laughing, so they all kind of just stand there awkwardly trying to figure out what's going on.

-"Andrew's watching the last episode of an anime"

-Collective sighs of relief, mild confusion, a couple of laughs.

-"Was it good?"

-"No, I hated it. Bastard's finally dead and I am celebrating." Andrew tells them.

-they all assume Andrew hated it and the protagonist died, Andrew means Dino and that he hates it because it made him feel understood (he's going to rewatch it and it's a matter of when not if)

-When they all sort of shrug and go back to whatever they were doing before, Neil breaks out into a grin and looks at Andrew. He's the only one who knows what show it is, and the only one who has any idea of who any of the characters are. "He's dead?! Fuck yeah!"

-Neil goes back to his exy game and twenty minutes later Andrew shuffles out of the room.

-"I chose to believe it was an ambiguous ending. Killing off the fucking main character who does that?"

[-Kevin looks into the camera like he's on the office, looks at Neil, then back into the camera. Looks at Andrew, then back into the camera, absolutely deadpan. Points to the chess piece on his face and holds up his bad hand.

-"We all lived, Kevin. Not ambiguous."

-Andrew mutters "Could have fooled me for a minute there. Yikes."]

-Absolutely NO ONE mentions it when Andrew starts wearing red converse instead of black ones because the first person who tried got a glare so harsh Andrew might as well have returned to his old habit of holding people at knife point.

There is so much more I can say about this, so many more scenes I think Andrew would relate to, and so many more characters that I think could have really interesting parallels to each other but I digress.

Additionally, I think if Ash and Neil ever met they would get into a fight comparing the gang/mafia related parts of their stories and would need a lot of red string and a powerpoint night to make it all make sense to each other.

#aftg #all for the game #aftg fandom #neil josten #andrew minyard #aftg andrew #aftg neil #aftg angst #aftg kevin #kevin day #this is unfortunate #because im projecting here #heavily #banana fish #ash lynx

[ferretwhomst]

i have so many thoughts about that last rnm episode and none of them are super coherent- it is like 4am after all. but thought i'd just talk about them before going to bed

(putting them all under the cut because as usual this got uh... Long.)

EVIL MORTY WAS FUCKIN GREAT THIS EP. i have nothing specific to say about him but it was nice to have him just. there. being snarky and sarcastic and annoying. love that guy.

NOT TO MENTION THE BIT OF BACKSTORY WE GOT??? GODDAMN. i know on tumblr we all make a case for traumatized teens who get called fucked up for just... Being Teens..... but i also like when they Are actually that fucked up <3 (<- in evil morty's case he Has His Reasons but STILL. also i do mean this affectionately)

they really had prime say "you're me, except, you know, less." while the mortys were onscreen. damn. that definitely won't go anywhere

the scene with the Diane Orb (???) was so funny. she's trying to kill him and he just stares at her and goes "god, i miss that face" what a sentimental little freak <3 i need to study him

something very !!!!!! about rick calling himself a rascal by the way. "rascal" is like an entire gender identity. something special about it

really like the little alliance between evil morty and morty prime. the Heroic Step and the portal closing on him... me too man i've been there

"IF YOU DIE I'M TAKING YOUR STUFF." space cruiser ai and garage ai should be friends LMFAO. SPINOFF SERIES WHEN!!!!!!1

prime calling c137 "wife guy" was really funny to me for some reason. never gonna get that nickname out of my head and i mean that in the BEST way possible

also "i do miss when it was just us!" literally in agony. they keep dropping hints that c137 and prime were actually associated with each other for at least a short period prior to the incident (unless i'm reading it wrong. idk like i said it's late) and i desperately wish we could see more of their dynamic from BEFORE shit hit the fan

i may have laughed a little too hard at prime's pensive emoji-ass expression during the uncle slow bit

THE MOUTH CHAINSAW MADE ME LOSE MY SHIT HONESTLY. just the sort of fucked up thing prime would do of course but it caught me so off guard

i know everyone expected that prime would hold morty hostage or something (at least judging from the fanart) but honestly? i loved the awkward ass conversation he had with "his" morty. "original grandson! this is super weird, obviously!" like yeah good reminder that all ricks are just. Like That (and by that i mean autistic if that wasn't clear LOOL). prime is a terrifying little bastard and he definitely comes off intimidating in his funny little videos but in a real life unscripted scenario he kinda sucks at improvising and he's so real for that

also SHITTY GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!!

morty trying to shake a clearly battered and bloodied rick awake and the fuckin... laser thing (?) falling away to reveal all his guts lying around was. wow.

"we could be like batman and robin!" "eh. i don't need a robin." GET HIS ASS EVIL MORTY!!! also kinda glad they had prime use the word "sidekick". i know it's supposed to show how little regard he has for mortys but it fits the actual power dynamic between ricks and mortys better than the show insisting that they're Partners when they are Clearly not on equal footing in their relationship. my guy that is a 14 year old boy and his abusive 70 year old grandpa!

"schematic booger-aids" who let this man have a child

god the scene where rick just beat the shit out of prime was so fucking cathartic. the way prime's still spewing insults, laughing horribly in rick's face till the very end. FUCK.

also just. "admit it, you would've been me. i just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! and eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE!" i have nothing to say about this, my thoughts are too scattered but know that i'm thinking about it. a lot.

"not exactly an alive amount of blood" have i mentioned how much i love evil morty

FUCKING OBSESSED WITH THE PART AT THE END WHICH DIRECTLY MIRRORED MORTY'S DISSOCIATIVE EPISODE AFTER S1E6. THE SAME SONG TOO. GOD. HARMING ME LIKE THIS!!!!!!

(also side note i actually went back to s1e6 to rewatch that scene at the end, and i think it's funny how much Better the show is at gore now. like. just take one look at the shitty blood spatters on the garage walls in the original scene, and then compare it with any of the gore we've seen for the past couple seasons. it's crazy)

okay i think that's all i have to say for now. um. don't know how i'm supposed to recover from an episode like that but sure

#ferret rambles #rick and morty #rnm #rick and morty spoilers #unmortricken

[cookinguptales]

capribornio said: From my own personal perspective? Write it. Lots of people have complicated feelings about the end of s5, and it might help others to process them. And it would definitely help you, I think.

--------

Complicated is a good word for it... Like there are parts that I find interesting and parts that I enjoyed and parts I would like to explore more but like. Let's just say I wrote a very long rant here and then deleted all of it.

(but the rant did come out in the end, so I'm putting this under a cut)

But I guess, fic-wise... It's hard for me to write something in direct opposition to what canon has said re: Guillermo's desires and motivations, but I also find that reveal to be completely unsatisfying when paired with... literally every event of the series thus far. I found the ending of the season to be so deeply unsatisfying that it... honestly kind of killed my love for the show a little. Even the past seasons. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch a single episode since the finale aired. It doesn't feel fun anymore. I know I'll bounce back eventually, but right now I still feel so frustrated. I worry that I might feel that way until I see how s6 shakes out, at this point.

So... when I think about writing a fic, all I can do is feel that sense of... things not being finished, I guess. That sense of dissatisfaction. Like I can write a version of nandermo that is still largely canon compliant, but that version of nandermo will be just as dissatisfying as the show has been. I can't build to catharsis that doesn't exist. I can't bring together all the things the characters have done thus far to a satisfying and logical conclusion because the show didn't do that. This last season pretty much said that all of the character motivations we've had thus far didn't amount to a hill of shit, so like... how do I write something satisfying using stuff from the entire series when the writers completely ignored a lot of that early canon in s5?

So whenever I think about writing for them now... the end of the fic is not cathartic. It feels like things are okay for now but are doomed to failure eventually.

I guess... as far as the show goes, I'm not at the point where like. I have lost all hope in it. I'm really, really hoping that they fix some of this in s6, as much as is possible. Like... some things I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to move past, but I'm hoping they at least find some other way to make Guillermo truly supernatural and comfortable in his own (deadly!!!) power. Like at least give me fucking that, otherwise what the fuck are we even doing here.

At least give me confirmation that Guillermo de la Cruz does not actually see vampiric life as being worth less than human life, because it's starting to feel an awful lot like he thinks murdering vampires is fine but murdering humans isn't because vampiric life is intrinsically less valuable than human life. And therefore his human friends and family matter more than the family they keep telling us he's been building with the vampires.

At least!!! Understand that after using the vampiric world as a very thinly veiled metaphor for queerness and being socially othered for four and a half seasons! It feels awful for your queer and/or socially othered audience to see the only protagonist with a choice actively choose the mainstream world instead! Because he understands now that the vampiric world is just too ~gross and terrible~ for him!

Like we can never get back s5 and have a version of it without massive plot holes and character decisions that make no fucking sense (especially Laszlo, christ) but the writers still have the ability to give me those things, I guess, if they actually! want to!

I'm sorry I literally cannot talk about this without ranting lmao. It's frustrating because a lot of Nandor's thoughts and feelings about Guillermo's changing are fascinating and I'd love to explore them. I think they're generally pretty IC. I like thinking about him believing that Guillermo could never be a vampire because he's too sweet, and him believing that he morally can't turn Guillermo because Guillermo would hate it, and him believing that he can never truly be with Guillermo because Guillermo's not actually cut out for their world -- and will thus die probably centuries before Nandor will.

But god, the fact that s5 tells us that Nandor's right when everything in the first few seasons shows us that he's wrong is so fucking frustrating. It's like they forgot that Guillermo de la Cruz was one of the most interesting and complicated and downright vicious characters on television while simultaneously being adorably endearing. The flattening of his characterization that we've seen happen steadily over the past few seasons has culminated in this, us being told with a straight face that Guillermo de la Cruz can't handle killing humans and has somehow never realized that he'd have to do that in order to be a vampire. He's too?? Nice?????? Guillermo de la Cruz, whom we've seen mock humans for being sad and lonely as he leads them to their deaths and then dismembers their bodies. Too empathetic to feed on a human!

Fucking! okay!

I actually always kind of suspected that he wouldn't become a vampire with the others, at least not exactly the same kind. I'm not actually upset about that. I'm upset that he actively rejected that world, not because he could be something better and more interesting on his own, but because he didn't have the stomach for it. I always thought he'd realize that he's too strong to be just a basic-ass vampire, not that he'd realize he's too weak.

Seeing Guillermo build his own strength for several seasons only for them to tell us at the last minute that no, he is actually too weak just like they'd always mocked him as being, feels fucking insulting. Guillermo, after stubbornly wresting his power from the jaws of mediocrity with his own two hands, willingly giving it up--! Because he couldn't handle the life.

fuck, man.

This wasn't Guillermo realizing that he's stronger without vampirism. This is him just... being defanged again, both literally and metaphorically, just like they've been systematically doing for... honestly, since the showrunner change, really. S3 was fun and I enjoyed it, but now I can see the fucking writing on the wall. They never intended to let that man kill indiscriminately again, and I hate that. They're just going to keep taking away his power and his backbone and have him get kicked around again and again Freddie-style until we all die I guess. Because I guess they think that's funnier and easier to write.

I don't even know what to make of it all. It's so diametrically opposed to everything I found interesting about the character. The first few seasons were all about weirdos living in a normal human world. The humor was mostly derived from, like, a vampire trying to figure out the DMV. And Guillermo was finding that he was much less of a "straight man" to their weirdness as he thought. That he was being thrust into a wild and powerful world that he couldn't control, until he could. Until he found his own power and used it to devastating effect. He killed so many people in s2.

But as the show has progressed, as they swapped showrunners, as the focus has changed to exploring a much more supernatural world, Guillermo has been getting more and more "normal". He really is becoming more of the straight man. He almost never kills anymore, and when he does, it's solely out of direct protection that he can find no other way out of. He keeps trying to be responsible, to be caring, to be fair, and nothing else. Who gives a shit about that? Let the man kill a room full of people again. Let him throw a fit because the vampires didn't kill a victim he brought to them. Let him manipulate innocents into an early grave solely because it suits his own selfish needs.

Like damn, where's the man I remember who could be feral and selfish and sweet and caring all at once? What is this "too kind to be a vampire" bullshit? Was it just too hard for them to keep writing a character who was so complex and had so many contradictions? Did they think they had to make him suddenly feel conflicted about killing so they could justify his sweetness? Like Guillermo hasn't always managed to do both? What's even the point of giving him these powers, of having an arc where he comes to accept these powers, if you never let him truly use them anymore?

fuck

The entire time I was watching s5, I wanted to write a fic where they all get dosed with some kind of sex potion and Nandor and Guillermo have a lot of sex while thinking they have no choice for ages before finding out that it wore off weeks ago. And Guillermo finding out the truth and, like... I wanted to use him having that terrible knowledge that could destroy the relationship they'd been building to mirror the other secrets Guillermo is keeping. And I didn't know how I wanted to end it because I didn't know how the season would end. What Nandor knew and what he didn't and what his response would be.

And now I know how I want to end that fic, and it's with them together but not in a fully open and meaningful way. Guillermo is still retreating into humanity because he can't figure out that he lost that a long time ago, and Nandor has come to terms with the fact that he'll probably never truly have Guillermo. There's still anger and hurt feelings and a sense of dissatisfaction, like they'll never have an honest, truthful, and fully emotionally satisfying relationship if things stay as they are then. But they both love each other too much to give up the pale substitute for a relationship that they have. They both know what they have now isn't as good as what they could have had, but the alternative, living without each other, is too awful to contemplate.

And I know, I know that's just mirroring the way I feel about the actual series but...

damn, man. I guess I do still have a lot of feelings. lmao

SORRY I may be too exhausted right now to hold back. I'm just. Frustrated. idk.

#we never came back from the questionable guillermo characterization choices post-time skip did we #RIP #wwdits tag #again trying to keep this out of the main tag so people won't send me hate mail again lmao #replies

[inlocusmads]

Hii 🥰

Does your MC / OC have a guilty pleasure? If so what it is?

Oh yes sure! Some of them do border in on hobbies, so it's just a messy mix of both:

Nora (crimes): Reality TV shows or just surfing through the channels, doing sudokus, getting a stack of magazines just to browse through pictures and cut out articles she enjoys.

Trystan (crimes): Documenting literally everything in the form of voice messages, pictures; scrolling through socials in the unhealthiest way, doing crosswords (and he's very good at it), starting home furnishing projects but never finishing them

Killian (blades): Whittling and crafting - that's pretty much it. Give her anything and she's going to want to make it into something useful - like a soup ladle or an arrowhead. She wants to be doing something with her hands.

Maura (wake the dead): Actually getting her 8 hours of sleep. A rarity, so much so it becomes a guilty pleasure. She's always on edge.

Rowan (murder at homecoming): Literally just stepping out of the house and just wandering around her little town with her bike or by foot. It's 'guilty' in the sense her parents don't encourage her to do that (after Perdita) - strict curfews and all, so she tries to loophole her way out as much as possible.

Stevie (murder at homecoming): While forgery was *somewhat* a "hobby" if I can say, of hers, she's moved past those days and now just resorts to camping out in the mall. It's pretty cathartic; she likes the busy activity even though she doesn't wish to buy anything. Along with mystery TV shows and sketching little things.

Inam (laws of attraction-ish): Making dioramas. Think Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec. Inam loves making them in her spare time. She got into claymation once - which was a pricey hobby, so she gave up due to its not-so-sustainable means and now just converts shoeboxes into these really intricate sets and scenes. She's got a dozen of them sitting in her closet and she's embarrassed to show people because she thinks they're pretty childish

Think that should cover it???

Thanks so much for the ask Peonie!

#peonierose #askboxed

[maxbegone]

hi! I hope I’m not overstepping but you mention grief a lot with lone star this season and I saw your reblog of 308 and how you appreciated it. It’s really been such a prominent thing for TK this season and I just wanted to see if you could talk about it more? Again I’m sorry if I’m overstepping!!

hi! you're not overstepping. i personally find this really cathartic to talk about. my fear is that i'm talking too much about it, but i've found so much comfort and familiarity in season 3 with this overarching plot line that this is my way to process.

season 3's subtitle should literally be "grief" because we're seeing it from the get-go. i'm going to talk about tk for a minute before i get into the fact that he is in no way the only one grieving — and said grieving is not just about death. and i don’t think i can fully do this justice without acknowledging the prominence of grief in every character this season. 

i kind of went all out on this this is going to be long, so i'm going to drop all of this under the cut. special thanks to @doublel27 for taking a quick look at this.

way back in the pilot, when we meet judd, it's on the back-end of a tremendous loss and accompanied by so much trauma. he lost his entire crew to an explosion on a call and we watch him process it throughout the entirety of the first season. we get bits and pieces as the series goes on, but for the most part the currentness of it remains in season one.

now, let's jump to the obvious grief this season — tk and gwyn. all of 3.08 was about tk processing losing his mom so suddenly. he kind of blinked and she was gone without realizing, only to find out however many hours later. as someone who has been through this sort of immense shock very recently (funnily enough, this episode aired just around a year after i lost a parent), it's an interesting thing to think about. you're just going about your day when suddenly you get this news that completely rocks you and changes you forever. i've written about this ad nauseam, but i wasn't kidding when i said i can keep going.

i find 3.08 so heart-wrenching and raw, just like it's meant to be, but also so comforting. these are characters, sure, but i see myself in this story, i feel the fatigue, the shock, the numbness, the pain. it is, truly, a beautiful depiction of grief and one of the most beautiful episodes of television (take that with a grain of salt, i do not watch a lot of tv). not only is he grieving the loss of his mother, but he’s grieving the loss of jonah’s mother — his little brother will never grow up with her, and now it’s up to him to show him everything she’s taught tk over the years. they’re going to go through that together.

something i truly appreciate about tk's grief especially is that the writers didn't tie it off with a neat little bow at the end of the episode. they so easily could have, but instead they it carried on somewhat prominently throughout the following, and we see featured it again in 3.13 and 3.18. gwyn was tk's lifeline. she was his guide, just as much as owen has been, but she was always there. now that's not to say owen wasn't later on, but the relationship tk has with his father is surrounded by work. neither of them are great communicators, and we learn this season a little more as to why, particularly with owen.

grief not in death:

alright, this might take a minute to explain, so bear with me. but something i've recognized in the last year is that grief is not synonymous with death — you can grieve the loss of a friendship, lost time, loss of a childhood home, etcetera, and we see that with all of the characters this season.

owen: in the beginning of the season, we find out that he's absconded to hill country, tucked himself away in a cabin and is avoiding all of his problems back in austin because he feels he's failed the 126. he mentions this in the waiting room of the icu in the beginning of 3.04. he’s terrified, and during the sequence later on in the episode, he becomes so overwhelmed he collapses out in the snow. as the season goes on, we see him suppressing more and more of his anger, only to have the harsh reality of what it might become blown up in his face in 3.14. this is due to years of suppressed grief. yes, he's grieving gwyn — how could he not? she was the love of his life, she made him a better person, she's the mother to their son — but come 3.16 and we discover owen lost his brother at a very young age and fully blames himself. his family falls apart, he and his mother move to new york, his relationship with his father is non-existent, and when the time comes to confront him in hospice, he discovers his father's new family. it hurts, of course it hurts, but that doesn't mean owen isn't grieving then, too. if robert hadn't encouraged his father's second wife to leave the room, owen might not have had a chance to say what he wanted. and a really important beat in this episode, while short, is the facetime conversation he has with tk. they both acknowledge the fact that their relationship has been strained and promise each other that they're going to work on fixing it. there is grief there — you can't tell me these two hadn't been grieving the closeness they once had prior to that moment.

tk: i already mentioned gwyn, which is the most prominent version of his grief, but there are several other instances. he and carlos are broken up in the beginning of the season and there is no way he isn’t grieving that. he got scared, blew it up, and ran. come the end of 3.12 and into 3.13, he’s grieving the loss of his sobriety, his loss of choice. all of 3.13 is about tk coming to terms with this and restarting his sobriety, all while carlos learns to take a step back. this is his first time going through it without his mom, and he needs to learn to navigate this part of his world without her, too. during that call in the same episode when that boy watches his mom die and becomes nearly inconsolable, tk falls right back into his grief. he pulls out old photo albums, stares at them, and says he would give anything to be as happy as he was in those photos. it’s a beautiful, painful thing. it strikes deep. fast-forward to 3.18, and we see the grief come in again with the harrowing idea that he might lose his dad — either in the building collapse or to cancer. it’s even in his proposal to carlos: “my life has been scarred with loss.” so while tk’s grief is absolutely the most prominent this season, we can’t just lump it solely about gwyn’s death. 

carlos: absolutely, he’s grieving. like i said before with tk, he’s also grieving the loss of their relationship. he wasn’t given any real explanation when trying to surprise tk, only to have it blow up, and suddenly he’s left heartbroken in the home he bought for them to build a life together. nancy asks him to come to the hospital because tk wants to speak to him, only to discover that he’s suffered hypothermia and is in a coma, rapidly heading in the wrong direction. by body language alone, we see the numbness in carlos’ grief, because he begins to mourn the loss of tk before he’s even gone. everyone in the 126, near and far, is grieving tk while they wait on bated breath, but more than anyone else, it’s carlos (and, of course, owen.) andrea shows up, encourages him not to give up hope, to speak to tk even though he might not hear, and that grief and fear is gone once he wakes up. we see it again a little bit in 3.08, grieving with tk over the loss of his mother, for tk when no one is sure the plane will land. in 3.11, it could be argued that carlos is grieving the choice he made deploying his taser on the suspect at the beginning of the episode. it lead to his death since he fell on a kitchen knife, but there’s also a lot of anger and frustration (that he doesn’t fully admit to) as he and grace investigate further into what went down. 

grace: hers is a little less evident, save for what we see in 3.11. she’s angry, yes, because she and carlos got played, but she’s grieving the loss of the victim of a prank, too. yes, things work out in the end, but you can’t say that anger doesn’t coincide with grief. now, going back to 3.05 with the introduction of wyatt, judd’s son that he didn’t even know he had, she mentions she’s angry, that she shouldn’t be, but she is. this isn’t someone she would’ve ever known about, but there’s lost time in this relationship for judd and wyatt. is this grief? maybe not, but it could be read as such.

judd: yes there’s the old crew, but more of a focus this season is judd’s lost time with wyatt. he comes out of nowhere, shows up and rocks judd’s world, but he doesn’t write it off. in fact, he makes it a point to get to know this boy — his son. at first he’s convinced they have nothing in common, and sure, maybe they don’t at surface level, but the deeper into the relationship we get, the more we see it. they can both ride, they both get arrested for doing something dumb. gotta love that parallel. but wyatt mentions it first: he’s mad about the time they didn’t have together. and judd’s mad, too. so, this is grief; they’re grieving the loss of the time they could have had together in the past, but they’re going to make the most of it now. 

tommy: although her grief is much more prominent at the end of season 2 with charles’ death, it does carry into season 3 a little bit. she’s struggling with moving on, and a call to the curandera we meet back in season 1 with michelle, gives her the push to do that. the candles relighting at the end of 3.06 is something tommy needed to see. we watch her attend these grief groups, which she takes tk to at least once, we watch her step back into the dating life (however messy the second part of that is), and ultimately allow herself to not be as “buttoned-up” as she had been in the last year. it’s not like she isn’t going to grieve charles, because of course she is. that was her soulmate, the father of her children, her best friend. judd and grace give charlie that name in honor of him, an honor tommy sincerely loves, if evident at all by her reaction. she carries on at the end of the season, but she carries on with charles in mind.

paul: paul had some major developments this season. as a result of the hypothermia he suffers from in the beginning of the season, he develops a rare heart condition that very nearly kills him. he has the option to get a pacemaker implanted which will greatly increase his projected lifespan, but decides against it. this is his choice, one that marjan, his best friend, his ride or die, is distraught over. when she says he’s going to end up like his dad, who died from a heart attack at 36, paul responds with the wish that he could only be half the man his father was. they end up in a fight, and although she saves his life later in the episode when he goes into cardiac arrest, paul completely loses his choice because the doctors operated — thus implanting said pacemaker. that right there, and you can agree with me or not, is an avenue of grieving. paul is grieving his loss of choice (which easily mirrors with paul being trans and his loss of bodily autonomy he’s fought for), and he’s angry about it. he’s allowed to be, because marjan went against his wishes, and what we see in the following episode is paul spiraling. because the loss of choice has kind of moved to the back burner while grieving the loss of this incredibly important friendship takes the helm. he asks about marj but doesn’t reach out, and all the while she’s angry.

marjan: more than anyone else, she takes losing the 126 the hardest. but, she also fights the hardest. she’s out there putting herself at risk chaining herself to the station, resulting in her arrest, driving up to find owen and drag him back to austin, and deals with a (very) dirty cop. but more than anything else, she’s the only one showing up, and she’s mad about it. we hear her call multiple people “abandoners” throughout the season (the crew in general in the premiere, and mateo later on in parental guidance). she’s grieving the loss of her found family, of the firehouse she’s come to know and love where she uprooted her life to move to. a place she considers home. and now it’s turning to rubble. fast forward to the end of 3.04 and she has the single biggest smile of anyone at the 126. but when we move into the arc between 3.09 and 3.10, she’s furious. and although that���s true, she’s also grieving the loss of this best friendship. she’s waiting there fore paul to reach out when mateo alludes that maybe she should take the first step. marjan foresees several people abandoning her (mateo for the 129, and of course paul). once again, the 126 is falling apart like it was in the beginning of the season and she’s losing all hope. it works out in the end, but remember that there is anger in grief, and this was her way of showing it.

mateo: his is a little different. he’s not in the icu with the rest of the 126 when tk’s comatose, he’s instead working with judd and the 122. but when the captain from the 129, captain tatum, a man who treated him kind of shit while he was there, comes back into his life, mateo is witness to this man losing both his memory and a member of his house. he’s offered and accepts the position of lieutenant, steps in at the funeral when tatum can’t remember what to say, and deals with it when his mind goes and calls mateo probie, going back to the whole treating him like shit thing all because he wanted to protect him. in this instance, mateo is grieving second-hand, but in a similar way, he’s really not. this kid has a big heart and he just wants to help, which is exactly the reason he steps up to the plate. he wants to ease tatum’s pain, however invisible it might be. and when he has to make the difficult decision about reporting tatum to the fire chief about his dementia. ultimately, beautifully, tatum accepts and acknowledges that resigning is the right choice for his safety as well as others in a scene that parallels the beginning of the episode. a quick nod to 3.18 when owen gets caught in the collapse and mateo nearly loses it yelling for him, somewhat reminiscent of tk in 1.04. 

nancy: i wrote a whole thing about it already, and i have to give credit where credit is due to brianna baker, but nancy does lose her two best friends while on the job. she obviously loses tim in season 2 to volcanic debris on a call, but she also loses tk. she and tommy manage to get his heart started again out in the snow, but the whole thing is incredibly touch-and-go, resulting in so many unknowns and what-ifs while in the waiting room of the icu. imagine if she did lose tk permanently. i can’t say nancy would still be doing the job she does today. because while she wasn’t able to save tim, she was able to save tk. she’s still grieving tim, even if it’s not spoken or evident, because she’s human and it’s part of her character. that was her best friend. and as much as tk is as well, he’s still standing. in 3.12, after resuscitating a dnr patient despite seeing the bracelet saying otherwise, she decides to resign. tommy talks her out of it, to arrange something with the patient and her sister so they can have a conversation in spite of the lawsuit. but in this moment she’s grieving the loss of her livelihood, the reason she gets up every morning. nancy has only ever wanted to save lives, and while the decision was wrong and went against the patient’s wishes, she’s just trying to do what’s best. ultimately she doesn’t resign, but she mourns a little with the sister at the bottom of the episode. like most things this season, it does work out in the end, but we know it’s something nancy is going to carry with her.

alright. wow. that was...a lot. but, like i said, i have a lot of feelings on the matter. anon, i hope i didn’t lose you reading this (and to anyone else). 

if anyone would like to talk about this more, i would absolutely love to. 

#911 ls #911 lone star #911 ls meta #lone star meta #tw grief #grief mention #anonymous #answered

[alltimefail-sims]

I woke up this morning to more asks than I have ever gotten in one sitting, and it was such a cool surprise so thank you guys!!! This was literally so much fun! All asks & answers are below the cut because I didn’t want to spam the dashboard with my long responses haha.

@mangosimoothie these are all some great questions and thank you for that!!

5. Do they have any tattoos? If so what are they and do they have any special meaning?

Zoe doesn’t have any tattoos yet, but she has always wanted one! She just doesn’t know what she’d get and would be like “It’s got to be perfect if it’s going to be on my body forever!” But Erwin has one very minimalist medium-sized sunset tattoo on his right shoulder blade (kind of like this). He got it on his 18th birthday, it was something he and his sister always wanted to get together!

7. Do they have any unusual fears?

I wouldn’t say they’re unusual fears, but Erwin is very scared of small spaces and Zoe is scared of geese because of a bad run-in she had with a goose on the Kindergarten playground lol.

11. Do they have any addictions?

Zoe doesn’t have any addictions! She’s a meticulous person who is very health-conscious and her mom was a great example who showed her how to set healthy boundaries and limits. Erwin on the other hand is a different story! Erwin smokes cigarettes (something he picked up from his older sister Maggie, it really started as a way to feel closer to her after she went missing and has turned into a stress coping mechanism). Plus, he has an unhealthy dependence on caffeine. The man has been known to go through a pot of coffee all on his own, he doesn’t even care about taste. He’s poured energy drinks in coffee before (gross, I know). He just... doesn’t sleep well.

Even though it was definitely a challenge to choose between my pixel children, I think the Top 5 sims I’ve made are:

The whole Carter family, but especially Caleb. He is truly cathartic for me to play and write.

My version of Alexander Goth (really he’s my son, EA can take Alexander Goth from my cold dead hands, they have never done that boy justice!!)

All my Strangerville sims, but Tashia and Junia would be tied for third because I have no other sims like them. They challenge me!

Sha West (I’ll be posting her later, she is from one of my private saves where I’m doing the globetrotter challenge for fun and I loveeee her).

Rin and Lazlo Fite (twins so they count as one lmao. They were originally just submissions for another simblr, but I fell in love with them and their backstory!)

This was even harder!! I follow a LOT of simblrs. But my current top 5 sims from other simblrs are:

The entirety of Gen 3 (Asa, Finn, Casper, Stevie, Elaine, Jada) from Frozen Pines by @softpine. I cannot pick between these babies, they all have my heart equally.

The entire Halabi family, but especially Gus (and Lena) by @sojutrait

Lucas Munch by @gunthermunch

Izara Ali by @acuar-io​

Pheebs by @softerhaze​

Honorable mention to River and Ro from Inheritance by @cyberth0t​! My old ass was around when this was a sims story, but now it’s an awesome webtoon here!!

Lol I love that. Crush away, anon.

2. Do they wear perfume/cologne? If so what scents do they prefer?

Erwin doesn’t wear a cologne really unless he’s going out! But Erwin always smells fresh - like a light, clean ivory soap smell mixed with his laundry detergent and a warm mix of light bergamot, jasmine and lemon. Fresh and pleasantly light is literally the only way I can think to describe it ajajksdjkasjgs sorry hope that makes sense! Although he does smoke cigarettes, he never smells overwhelmingly like smoke (it’s just barely present!).

6. If they were badly injured, and for whatever reason couldn't go to a hospital, who would they go to for help?

Erwin is stubborn and kind of a loner, he would probably patch himself up in most circumstance. But he’d have to have a deep bond with someone to let them see him in pain/vulnerable like that!

16. Do they have or want kids?

He does not have kids! As for wanting kids, he’d say no. But really he just doesn’t think he’ll ever have the opportunity to have kids. He doesn’t dislike the idea at all, but definitely isn’t in a place for kids right now! In the future though? He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about that...

29. If they were real would you be friends with them?

Hmmmmm I can’t say for sure. Current Erwin? Probably not, we live very different lives! But future Erwin and I would probably get along very well!

19. How easy is it to become their friend?

It is not easy to gain Junia’s trust in any way lmao. Friend, romantic partner, work associate... doesn’t matter to her. She keeps things pretty distant and professional across the board. But if you break through? Dear God, she will love you and protect you fiercely.

@missjinglecoco​ thank you for these questions! <3

1. Do they have any crafting hobbies?

Erwin likes to take polaroid photos just for personal enjoyment! I wouldn’t say he scrapbooks, but he likes to do a *version* of that by journaling with polaroids...so scrapbooking without the stickers and fun paper lol. He also runs a podcast about spooky stuff like unsolved mysteries, paranormal stories, and conspiracy theories!

12. Do they have any sense of style? Regardless of the answer do they believe they have a sense of style?

He absolutely has a very quirky sense of style, although he would say he just likes to wear stuff that he likes and isn’t intentionally curating a look. His style is vintage casual with an alternative touch - quirky patters, ripped loose jeans, lots of 70s-80s dad tees you’d find in a Goodwill.

33. Do they play ttrpgs? If so what kind of characters do they play? Or are they more likely to GM?

Yes! He hasn’t played since high school, but he loves Dungeons and Dragons. He typically plays as an elf wizard! He would love to be a DM/GM, but he’s never had the time to come up with and execute a campaign of his own creation.

@chelseasanidiot​ Oh that’s my baby!!! My favorite!! Thank you for asking about him <3

3. Do they enjoy cooking?

YES! He loves cooking with his mom and his abuela! Cooking is a love language to him, and it’s a way he connects to his culture too. He’s the kind of person that is always offering food and to his friends and loved ones and sees it as a basic act of service - “We’re hanging out at my house, so I should give you a snack - just makes sense!”

4. Do they enjoy baking?

Not as much as cooking, but he does enjoy baking if it’s with Cheryl!

28. Are they a #gamer?

He loves lots of different games, but he would not call himself a #gamer lol. He doesn’t take games so seriously! His sister is much more competitive that him!

Of course! <3

8. Do they collect anything? If so what and why?

She collects snow globes! Whenever she and her mom would go on vacation, she’d get a snow globe from that location as a souvenir.

9. When they're sick what do they do to feel better?

She is very productive, so she just doesn’t have time to lay around sick. She takes healing very serious - strict regiment of herbal teas, vitamin C supplements, rest, vapor rub (still using the same big pot of Vicks that probably is from the 90s), humidifier, soups, keeps a notepad with her medication rotation schedule...the works!

10. Do they have any regrets?

Nope!

42. Can they speak multiple languages? If yes which all do they speak and why?

She isn’t fluent in any languages outside of English. She only remembers a few words/phrases from high school French. She also would recognize a few words or phrases in Arabic from knowing Anwar and his family for so long.

43. Can they handle stressful situations?

Yes, she operates very efficiently under stress (and grief). She needs people to remind her that it’s okay to slow down and just... feel. 

44. Who, if anyone, would they trust with their deepest secrets?

Anwar! He’s her closest friend since childhood and she’d trust him with her life. Eventually you guys will see her open up to more than just him though <3

45. Do they plan in advance or just wing it?

Plan in advance always. Just thinking of “winging it” makes her skin break out in hives lmao

#ask game #strangerville outtakes #erwin pries #zoe tate #junia cahill #alexander goth #woah this was SO LONG but we did it!! #You guys are amazing for all these questions thank you #atfs answers #strangerville

[transexuality]

lost signals spoilers under the cut i have a lot to talk about

i wasnt attached to riley at first, like i wasnt really crazy about her as a character but holyyyy shit her character arc and her relationship with rex hit me like a truck, i really learned to love her over the course of the game. i love that the protagonist was a cynical, stoic woman. i love that the protagonist was a pregnant woman in her 30s, i feel like we dont really get a lot of stories like this about people like riley. especially when we saw the snippets of what her life had been like leading up to the events of the game... Ouch. Ooooh my god ow. she is such a great character, i cant say enough how much i feel for her. AND i love that there was no romance between her and jacob! theyre just friends! and its great! maybe theres a romance plotline i missed with them cause of the choices i made but i dont see a way there would be? anyway, really loved their dynamic theyre both SUCH good characters. i just really love that this game is about these two 30 something year olds who are just sort of... lost and aimless in life, who both feel like they dont have anything going from them but because of each other and because of what they go through, they find meaning again. thats beautiful to me. AND JACOB BECAME AN ARTIST IN MY ENDING! im so happy! literally teared up when i saw that he was pursuing his passion! i also cried, very hard during the scene with riley and rex on the deck when rex was fishing.

AND SAVING ALEX, oh my god. that made me cry. saving everyone was just. cathartic. what an amazing conclusion to this story, everything fell into place for me and im so so happy with how this happened!!! i cant wait to play again and get different endings. It's all about love. oxenfree has always been about love and this game is about love its all about love.

i chose for olivia to go in the portal... i thought i was going to regret it but i kind of dont! im happy with how the game ended and where everything ended up! i felt so bad for picking olivia but i wanted riley and jacob to have their futures so ultimately im happy with what i decided.

jacob is my favorite character i think? honestly it might be riley, she really won me over in the second half of the game. i love her. i dont know what else to say. this is a great game. i love how much STUFF is in this game, i got all the addler letters! not the bonus collectable which im curious about... i also didnt get the picture for hank, so im looking forward for that.

And oh my god. maggie!!!! shes real!!!! we got scenes with her!!!! thats crazy!!!! god that was just so cool to actually TALK to her and be in a scene with her! i was hoping for more of her and anna, i wouldve loved a scene of riley traveling back in time to see them together in love or something but ill take what i can get. I LOVED THIS GAME

#lost signals spoilers

[danpuff-ao3]

Hi!! 🎈💋🤲 For the ask game!

Lety!! Thanks for the asks!

[answers under the cut cuz wow is this a long one...sorry 🙈]

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

Oh gosh, what a good question! Not one I know how to answer, I'm afraid. This is one of those things I'm always interested to hear what others have to say; what do they think my style is? Others probably see it clearer than I do, mired in my own mind as I am. And as hazy as it is, plagued as I am by a hypercritical and perfectionistic nature.

Perhaps it shifts a bit. Generally I try to stay in one POV and mold the telling around that character's voice and nature, which will inevitably have some impact on style. Though perhaps the core of it remains the same, driven as I am by my own goals. My aim is always to be true to the characters themselves, in whatever scenario I've conjured for them. The aim is always to be a bit ruthless, in ways that are both cathartic and indulgent for me. It's always character and emotion. And I always want to make people feel something; maybe to make them think.

Everything is very intentional, though perhaps not in a very conscious or logical way. Word choice...god how I agonize over word choice. Punctuation, too. Em-dashes and ellipses and semicolons! They all convey something a bit different. They affect the rhythm in their own way. Do I have choppy sentences, or do I connect them with a semicolon? To I carry through with endless em-dashes? What details to slip in, to color the world and flesh it out, without overburdening the story? What facts are important to keep, and which can be carved out? What is necessary to tell this story? What do I sacrifice for the greater good? What do I keep, like the greedy goblin I am?

But rarely is it "the curtains are blue because blue is sad and Harry closes the sad blue curtains so he can suffocate in his own sadness." And it's certainly never "I placed a semicolon there because it was the most correct way to structure that sentence." Pfffff. I'm all about the vibe, baby. Blue curtains set the scene the way I needed. The semicolon gave a burst of emotion that a comma couldn't quite cut.

...but then I've also had to last minute reorganize scenes because it occurred to me that it was very important to know when the full moon in April of 2001 happened. Is this story about werewolves? No. Is the full moon involved in an important plot point? Also no. But it does feel very life or death in my brain, so here we are.

So perhaps my style is best described as "weird obsessive lady tinkering with words under a thin veneer colored by her POV character", idk.

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

Yes, yes!!!! Absolutely! If only to ease my mind, since I feel like a lunatic and an annoyance and hearing back from them generally lets me know "hey I haven't scared this person off!" But also it's just generally nice to hear from people, and to connect with creators I admire! A big joy of fandom is the community of it so I dunno...it's just friendly and fun and makes me smile!

🤲what do YOU get out of writing?

A headache. Sorry, I recently finished a rough draft that actually was a headache, but I think the spirit of the question is more...why do I write? What am I benefiting from it? Besides a headache.

Well! I am a lady with a very vivid imagination. And a lot of feelings.

So firstly, language is made for communication. And I was going to go off on this whole tangent in the first question. How...okay, maybe I don't always choose the most technically, literally correct way of doing things, but art is not much about being technical and correct. And neither is communication, really. You think of the pedants out there who gripe and complain about slang, or words that shift meaning (as if words aren't all made up, and as if words don't historically change meaning as times change and societies change, but I digress...) and they miss the point that this is communication. Language wasn't built for you to make a 100 on your English paper. It's for us to connect.

So...writing as communication. Conversation, and stories. How much we learn about others and the world. And how much we learn about ourselves.

So...communication and connection, in some ways. Even stories that aren't shared, it's much like writing in a journal. It's still new life breathed into the chaos of my mind. And even if it isn't meant to be shared, doesn't mean it never will be. And even if no one else ever does read it, it's much like talking to oneself.

I spend so much time in my own head, mulling over a thousand and one thoughts. My brain never shuts up, okay? So while daydreaming and contemplation is the inward function of those thoughts and feelings, speaking and writing is the outward motion of them, even if it's only putting them to word, putting them to shape, in an empty room. And that outward motion can shed new light on them, or cast them in a new shape. Lines you'd not noticed before, a different shade of blue there. It's a new and different way to experience what I'm thinking and feeling, helps me process them better, helps me come to terms with my own mind.

So even at its most personal and private, still the idea of putting it in a new place and exploring it in different ways.

But then, when you share it, when you let others read it, it's communication in the more proper way you think of it. Connecting with others. Sharing with others. And knowing that all of the benefit I get from seeing the world through another's' perspective, I give back by sharing my own. And the connections made to others through them!

Stories have been such a huge part of my life for my entire life. My mom would sing me songs and read me stories every night. And the moment I learned to read, I never stopped. There is so much to learn from and take from stories. The stories I've read have helped shape who I am. And my writing is such a similar thing. It's part of me. A way of sharing all of the color and noise and movement in my soul. A way of sharing every twisty thought, every sharp feeling. It is so much a part of me, even if not in very literal, easily-definable ways.

It can be a means of catharsis. Of purging the poison, or riding out a fever. It's a safe way of interacting with things too complicated or too dangerous to face head on.

Writing is empathy. It is sitting and looking through another's eyes. Not a real person, maybe, but an other. A way to consider other people, and how they think and feel, and how to connect with them.

Writing is an adventure! All sorts of journeys I might never take in real life. A way of considering potential and opportunity. Writing is playing. It's a game. It's toying with scenarios and worlds and words. It's fun, and thrilling! But it can also be daunting, and challenging.

It can be easy. It can be release. It can be joyous and exciting. It can be terrible and awful and difficult. Not always good things, but it's just...who I am, I guess. It gives me what I want, sometimes, but mostly what I need. It's good for me, mind and heart and soul, however rough the ride is.

Most people who know me know I love astrology, so I have to end with a nod towards that. 😂 My moon (emotion, subconscious) is in Leo. Leo, which is light and cheery and magnetic. It's my need to be seen and to connect. Leo is about creation. And adulation, I'm not gonna lie. 🤣 But it's mostly...just having a lot of energy and an overactive imagination and a whole heck of a lot of passion. Leo is generous and big and loud. It's just a need deep inside to create and share.

And maybe the biggest thing of all is that: the act of creation. Feeling productive and accomplished and proud. To have given form and life to something outside of myself, and the desire to see it grow and thrive.

Wow this was a lot of blabbering, oops. 🙊

Let's Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks

#asked & answered #fic writer asks

[ariaste]

Hi! I just finished reading "a choir of lies" for the second time and im discovering shrimp emotions not known to man, the book hits wayb too close to home and is cathartic in the best possible way, and its stylistically so well done! Your character voices are impeccable and it's a delight to experience how this recontextualizes the first book, and what the voice of that character hid from the story. Did you always know you wanted two unreliable narrators, or did you come up with the story first and the diary/footnote storytelling second? And I love what you did to the Heyrlandische setting, it feels incredibly strange to have your country turned inside out so accurately and I'm pestering my friends to read this as well because I Need to talk about the intentional and accidental references and Everything, like how shipwreck translates to "wrak" which rhymes with a dutch accented way of saying "fuck", was that intentional? How did you come up with the gender system? The words sound so accurate, did you base them on any existing words or did you just combine sounds very accurately?

so many great questions!! First of all thank you so much for all the compliments <3 Secondly, you might enjoy my Discord server if you want to hang out and talk to other fans of the book! Link here: https://discord.gg/ftYnk8T42K Putting the answers to the questions behind a cut:

Did you always know you wanted two unreliable narrators, or did you come up with the story first and the diary/footnote storytelling second?

As soon as I knew I wanted to write a book from Ylfing's POV, I started tinkering about how I wanted to approach the unreliability of first-person narration for him, and how it would be different than Chant's in A CONSPIRACY OF TRUTHS. I THINK the general idea for the story came first, but by the time I actually started writing it, I'd hashed out the diary/footnotes two unreliable narrators thing with a friend :)

like how shipwreck translates to "wrak" which rhymes with a dutch accented way of saying "fuck", was that intentional?

Hah! Nope, that was a lucky accident, I am literally just learning about this now. I... tend to have extraordinary luck for these kinds of things. ;)

How did you come up with the gender system?

I, a queer nonbinary person, was like "yo let's fuck some shit up, let's get WILD" and then I just went hogwild on it lol Okay but as a more serious answer -- the binary view of gender is a very Western sort of thing. There are cultures all over the world today that recognize the existence of more than two genders! So as a queer person, gender is just one of the things I like to think about with my worldbuilding, rather than blithely accepting the default, and I like to build cultures that have lots and lots of different ways of looking at the issue. All my fantasy novels are set in the same world; some of the cultures have a gender binary, some SUPER don't, some have a third gender but it is reserved for people in religious/spiritual roles.... In general, I just try to do worldbuilding in ways that are fun for me to think about, because that probably means other people will have fun with them too :)

The words sound so accurate, did you base them on any existing words or did you just combine sounds very accurately?

I did base a lot of the gender words and terms of address on existing ones! A couple of them, I combined sounds to make something that sounded like a Dutch-ish word -- I minored in linguistics, so I know a little bit about what I'm looking for in that regard. Afterwards, I had a Dutch-speaking acquaintance glance over them just to double-check that they sounded like words to their ear as well. I think they had tweaks on one of the words, but I don't remember which one at this point.

Hope that answered all your questions! :)))) Thanks so much, glad you liked the book!

#alexandra rowland #a choir of lies #the tales of the chants

[boxofbonesfic]

I'm so sorry to hear that :( I hope the universe rewards you tenfold for having to deal with this. 💖

I was so moved by your fic that when I sent the ask, I took a screenshot because I wanted to remember my feelings in that moment LOL! I'll retype what I wrote originally but it cuts off at the bottom so I'm not 100% sure what else I wrote and I'll just freestyle some extra thoughts <3 Written at 4:33 am December 25th (LMAO):

"hello!!!! 🩷🩷🩷 i am writing this message feeling so vulnerable and raw at 4:30 am because i was reading ur rockstar!bucky fic the devil between us and wowwwww... when i say im crying, i mean I'm literally crying!!!!!!!!! the way you tell stories is fucking incredible from the plot to the pacing to the dialogue to the FEELINGS!!! i am so in awe of your talent and i feel like i just walked into a movie that changed my life. this fic is so fucking beautiful and painful and vivid and i'm feeling it everywhere and i am hopefully going to go to sleep now and dream about it bc !!!! it's bone deep for me right now. Thank you for your art!!! And marry Christmas if you celebrate ❤️❤️❤️ the present i'm giving myself this year is believing that those three got their happy ending 🥹"

And that's where it cuts off!! Looking back, I could have been way more specific. I think your world building for that fic is a stroke of genius. It was so visceral for me. The way you wrote Bucky's grief and his desire to just completely disengage with the world as he knew it gave me such an epiphany. I honestly started crying because his feelings were so powerful and overwhelming. Reader's helplessness made me emotional, too, because I've been there - watching somebody abandon themselves and knowing you can only do so much. And I've also been that person running away myself. I felt this crazy gratitude for the moment I was in, getting to read your fic, and Bucky's grief was so real to me that I was honestly also grateful I haven't experienced his pain. Sweet iris, reader's strength, the small town vibes, the washed up rockstar, the slow burn, the tension, Bucky's negative self-talk, the family that is and could have been... it made me feel the full spectrum of human emotion. Their love was so real and palpable and the history between them that you felt in every scene was disarming. It was so healing for me and I hope they ended up healing, too. God, I just love the fic and think you're amazing ❤️ anyways I think i've blabbed on long enough!!! Love you bones have a good day <3

i don’t even know where to begin—there’s a lot of like, very real pain in that fic from all angles, and it really means a lot to me that some of the people reading it can feel what i’m going through when i work on it. it’s one of the things i’ve got sitting on my harddrive that makes me feel the rawest, to be honest.

and there’s just something so like, real, about hurting people and knowing you’re doing it but having absolutely no control over that. i feel like i’ve been the reader, i’ve been bucky, and i’ve been steve, and sometimes that makes it both really cathartic and also sometimes very sad to write 😅

anyway this ask made me cry, thanks

#ask the bones #flailing #hey nonny nonny ho ho #asks i want to remember

[linkspooky]

Megumi’s Shadow

There’s something cathartic about watching Megumi simply overpower his way through an ambush, especially since he is a character who before this has always held back his strength. However, if you haven’t noticed it a lot of the things Megumi has said and done so far this arc had big red warning flags reading “DANGER, DANGER” attached to it. The killing game itself has been a bad influence on Megumi so far, and it’s probably only going to get worse from here. More under the Cut. 

1. The Brighter the Light the Longer the Shadow

Jujutsu Kaisen itself uses a lot of Jungian ideas as the basis of its worldbuilding, curses come from repressed human feelings that leak out of their minds and become sentient. However, Megumi is perhaps the most Jungian character, in the Jungian manga, about Jungian ideas. What I mean to say is Jung splits the mind between the conscious self which is what we see on the surface, and the repressed shadow self which is everything else about ourselves which we do not acknowledge / are not aware of the repressed, instinctual, animalistic side. 

Megumi’s cursed technique is quite literally, summoning animals and storing things (including himself now) inside of his shadow. There is a lot of Jungian symbolism used by his character. For example, on the Moon Tarot Card there is an image  A dog and a wolf stand in the grassy field, howling at the moon, representing both the tamed and the wild aspects of our minds. The domesticated dog is the stand in for the conscious mind, the wild animal wolf the unconscious. Megumi’s very first shikigami is a pair of two dogs. After one dies, they take on a much more feral wolf form. 

Megumi is someone much like the domesticated dog, and the wild wolf split very much down the middle, with an unacknowledged dark side. 

What is Megumi’s dark side? That he is like his father, and like Gojo to an extent. This, mirrors this. SOURCE HERE: [x] 

He has become a mindless puppet of carnage, bearing his fangs at the strongest around. 

When Toji was resurrected as a zombie, he became quite a literal shadow of himself, instead of the human being we know, he attacked everything around him like an animal. Once again, the symbolism of domesticated / wild imagery repeats itself. 

However, the Megumi and Toji parallels aren’t simply “Megumi is like his father because they both have an extreme violent side”. I think a lot of fandom misconception about Toji is that he’s simply a guy who is strong, because a lot of characters only remember Toji for his strength therefore objectifying him. Toji is one of the most complex and flawed characters in the manga, but one of his main character traits is how downright cruel he is. Toji wasn’t just a paid assassin doing a job. He wasn’t just making mnoey to get buy and send support for his son. This is intentionally shown on Gege’s part when he partners Toji up with someone whose more businesslike even though he’s doing dirty business. Toji is someone who went out of his way to be as cruel and callous as possible towards others, as a way of hiding his more vulnerable self. 

Toji forgetting Megumi, or at least pretending to forget is such an important character moment, because we as an aduience later know how much Toji loved Megumi and put importance on him. However, how Toji loved Megumi and how he treated Megumi are two different things, because Toji deliberately chose to be cruel and distant because he didn’t believe he was capable of being any better of a father to Megumi after his wife died. Toji is someone who deliberately chooses to be the worst version of himself. He makes money and instead of sending it home, he blows it all off on the race track. He’s not doing this job out of necessity, but to prove himself stronger than the sorcerers. 

The reason Toji’s actions are still felt to the plot this day, is because Toji was deliberately contining the cycle of abuse that was heaped on him as a kid. That’s what is tragic about his character, because we know Toji is someone capable of love and softness, and he deliberately chose to harden himself enough to hurt others. Because that’s what he thought strength was.

 The cycle of abuse is like that it cycles. Toji’s choices have lasting effects to this day. It was one of the reasons Geto went off the rails. It especially effected his son Megumi. Toji wanted his son Megumi to have a life better than him, that is true, but Megumi ended up living life in a pretty similiar way and inheriting the same flaws. Megumi is pretty much at risk for becoming Toji the same way Maki once was.

Even though Megumi seems the complete opposite of Toji on the surface, at the core their pretty similiar. Toji’s issue comes from never having a home or ever being shown any kind of unconditional love in his life, and only ever being objectified by those around him. He was treated as an object for being the only Zenin born without cursed energy. Now Megumi, inheriting the strongest curse technique in the Zenin family has lived a very similiar life. He was abandoned and never had a stable home for most of his life. When Gojo found him he brought some stability yes, but also Gojo very clearly intended to use Megumi because he had a strong cursed technique. Ask yourself this if Megumi had been a normal kid, would Gojo have even bothered to help? Megumi gets help from Gojo and it’s a very conditional kind of help, on the condition of that he grows up to be a sorcerer and risk his life for complete strangers. 

Megumi has this insane amount of responsiblity thurst on his shoulders when he’s like five and never had parents or a stable home, so his response is to repress himself. If Megumi thinks about how unfair the circumstances of his life are or how angry it makes him for more than ten seconds it’ll break him, so Megumi just doesn’t think. 

The light novels are actually a pretty excellent resource for characterization, because the first story entirely written from Megumi’s perspective, features extremely dry prose, written as mechanically as possible, that just sounds exhausted (this is a compliment) and includes this bit. 

However, his eyes that were as deep as the night that peeped out from the bottom of a deep ditch became even more lifeless.

Fushiguro tried once more to switch off his self-awareness.

Numbness was the safety feature of life. If he did not think of a way to protect his spirit, it would not be strange if a curse was born.

Fushiguro was a sharp contrast from Itadori who was in high spirits and was restlessly excited.

If Toji presents himself like the wild wolf, then Megumi presents himself like the domesticated dog. Megumi wants to pretend to be in control of his life, so he’s obedient, acts in control of his emotions, by numbing himself all the time. That’s why Megumi’s middle school backstory is so important, he’s almost nothing like his high school personality where he just seems like an emotionally withdrawn introvert, he was considered a hooligan always getting into fights. Megumi’s middle school flashback is also a good way to explain Megumi’s logic behind how he acts. 

“Do not kill me, and I will not kill you” is Megumi’s guiding principle. Megumi believes in fairness and justice and that it’s something you have to create in the world with your hbeavior. Therefore, Megumi believes each time he lashes out with violence, he’s only doing it in retaliation. Megumi’s guiding philosophy is that he’ll leave others alone if they leave him alone. He is willing to become violent, but only ever in reaction to, and at that point it’s fair because he was provoked. Megumi believes because he chooses when to be violent, the same way he chooses when to save people, that he’s in control of himself and therefore better. Because what Megumi hates is people who walk around without self awareness. 

Of course judging for yourself what’s good and what’s bad is, basically... what you’re supposed to do but it’s important to remember Megumi’s ideals of good and bad are black and white. Megumi’s greatest character trait is his childishness. He surprises people at times how immature, and also pure he can be, because he’s always acting far older than his age. However, his ideas of good and evil are extremely simplistic, not only that Megumi just doesn’t plain listen to other people at all when they try to explain circumstances. Megumi is notably unempathic to Noritoshi Kamo Jr. whose led a very similiar life to him. 

What’s interesting is that Kamo actually had a correct reasoning when he decided to try to kill Itadori Yuji in the Kyoto and Tokyo event. Kamo Jr. was listening to the clan heads yes, but he also said he believed that Yuji was too dangerous like a bomb waiting to go off, and... he was right. Yuji did in fact detonate and cause a massacre. Despite Noritoshi Kamo Jr. seeming like the more cruel one for being willing to sacrifice one person to negate the dangers towards thousands, and Megumi wanting to protect his friend and save “a good person” the situation turned out to be more complicated than that. 

Megumi doesn’t really want to live in a complicated reality because it’s too much for him, so he clings to simple ideas of good and evil. In fairness to Megumi though, he doesn’t particularly see himself as a good person. He admits that he’s selfish, and only picks and chooses between people. Megumi acknowledged beforehand that going into the killing game he had no qualms with killing people to rack up 100 points. 

However, just being self aware doesn’t make it okay. Toji was also, a very intensely self aware person who knew he was doing the wrong thing... but that didn’t stop him from doing it. 

Megumi is interesting foils with Higuruma someone who also just like Megumi, tries to uphold higher principals of justice to make the world a fairer place. However, where they differ is their attitudes towards murder and also other people. Megumi looks down on weak people, because he doesn’t want to be weak. Megumi believes, and has been taught (hi Gojo), that the way to be in control of his life is to live up to his full potential of a sorcerer, and therefore he’ll never endure the out of control circumstances of his childhood again. Megumi looks down on someone like Remi for... panicking in a life or death situation. You know something most human beings would do. 

Megumi acts like a prosecutor wanting to hand out punishment to make the world a fairer place, punishing those who trasngress a boundary and provoke them. However, Higuruma wants to make the world a fairer place by making sure the law works properly and defending those on the bad side of the law. Higuruma wants to find value in human weakness and ugliness because it is human. 

Higuruma lashes out and kills someone, and even though the judge and prosecutor were committing a crime in his eyes, he felt awful for killing them. It’s important to note these chapters happen one right after another. Higuruma talks about how awful killing other people feels even if you have a reason for it at the time. The next chapter, Megumi kills someone without even feeling a little bit remorseful. 

It’s not really the fact that Megumi killed someone, but his entire attitude towards it. Remember, Megumi didn’t have to kill someone here. This is after the rule is instated that you don’t have to kill people for points. He could have threatened him for points. He could have left him there because he was already down. 

I define a cold blooded killing, as killing someone when they are either incapable of fighting back, or going out of your way to kill someone for no other reason. Megumi had a reason when he was fighting back midair, but the moment he chose to kill someone is important, because the man was already down and unconscious, and Megumi executed him in a brutal manner while also narrating about how this action was just waving away sparks. 

Jujutsu Kaisen isn’t just any battle manga, it takes a lot of time to etablish the fact that the decision to kill someone matters because life has value. Remember how broken up Nanami was about having to mercy kill the people that Mahito forcibly mutated into horrible monsters? Remember, how even though there wasn’t any other option, having to kill someone in that manner was painted as a harrowing thing. Life has value, even the life of a person that Megumi doesn’t like / views as trash. If everyone is fighting for survival what makes Megumi’s fight for survival so much more important than others? He’s not the protagonist of reality. Yuji went out of his way to kill someone as well. When Kechizu and Eso were fleeing from Yuji and Nobara, they went out of their way to hunt them down and kill them in cold blood and... they both turned out to be Yuji’s brother.

They were, just like Yuji, victims and experiments of Noritoshi Kamo who had been manipulated. If Yuji had chosen a less violent option, Yuji could have gotten to known his brothers, and Choso might have had less reasons to kill people in the subway during the Shibuya incident. Yuji went out of his way to kill them, that was an action that had consequences and mattered. 

This entire dialogue isnt’ to say that Megumi is a bad person though, it’s just he’s unaware of his darker side. Yes, Megumi does go in noticing that he’s perfectly willing to kill people to earn points even if they are just people trying to survive. However, the problem is Megumi thinks this attitude is okay. Megumi doesn’t consider himself a good person, but at the same time he thinks if his actions can save people that are close to him it doesn’t matter.

Megumi puts people like Yuji and Tsumiki on a pedestal as “Good People”. While Megumi doesn’t consider himself a good person, he considers his actions in service to those good people. However, one Yuji is just as capable of hurting people as any bad person. As evidenced by the fact that he’s you know a mass murderer. And two it’s not really taking the wants of Tsumiki and Yuji into consideration. Tsumiki never wanted Megumi to get into fights and hurt people because she cared about Megumi as a person. Yuji cares just as much about protecting Megumi as Megumi does about protecting him. So, we have Megumi going out of his way to do very dark and violent things, and saying it’s for both Tsumiki and Yuji’s sake, even though neither of him would want them to do these things. 

Then, why is he doing them? 

It’s because Megumi’s trauma has made him into a violent and unstable person just like his father. There’s no such thing as a trauma that doesn’t negatively effect people, and there’s no being stronger than your trauma. Megumi could, like HIguruma, and like Yuji, live with the knowledge that there’s a part of him that’s violent and wants to hurt people. There’s a wolf inside of him even though he pretends at all times to be a domesticated dog that would never bite others without a reason. However, he doesn’t want to live with the responsibility of that. He represses himself instead, over and over again, and his shadow grows darker and deeper. 

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