#I have my own childhood hair-related experiences that if I happen to give them away it's fine lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pinkipeachiikeen · 1 year

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Galaxy Boy (Yamaguchi x Fem!Reader)

Hurt/comfort oneshot

Word count: 6230

Summary: Yamaguchi overhears Y/n talking about how much she hates her *‘freckles’ so Yamaguchi wants her to give him a makeover- but gets a whole lot more than he bargained for

childhood friends to lovers, mutual pining, anxious yams, lots of fluff

Authors Note: I really went all out in this fic- a lot more than expected. I just relate to Yamaguchi a lot anxiety wise which took this fic from a cute little scenerio type thing to a whole 6000+ story and honestly? I’m not ashamed. I hope this can provide some comfort to others that suffer with anxiety as well

Also even though it says reader has freckles- reader is not of specific race and their was no skin tone set in mind and does not have to have freckles

Content warnings: VERY anxious Yams. and VERY brief mentions of self harm? (Yams mentions picking freckles off)

Likes, reblogs and comments are much apprecited! Tell me what you liked in the story! How it made you feel! Every comment and such is motivation for me to write more

“I look DISEASED!”

“Girl, you look fine.”

“Do you not see them! I’m hideous!

“Y/n, it’s not even that bad! Stop being so dramatic.”

“I’m not being dramatic!” she claims as she slams her locker, causing a metallic ring through the deserted hallway, making both her and the boy peeking around the corner flinch. “Okay, Maybe I was being the slightest bit dramatic.” The girl admits, fidgeting with her fingers as she looks away sheepishly. God she’s so cute. Yamaguchi sighs. And so out of my league. The said object of the boy's affection turns her head around to almost catch his eye, but he dives behind the corner at lightning speed, holding his breath. “What are you looking at?” Her friend asks. “Nothing, I just thought I heard something.”

Yamaguchi can feel his heart almost beating out of his chest. What am I even doing here? He was just walking back from the bathroom and he heard his friend's voice and wanted to say hi, but didn’t wanna interrupt the conversation she was having. So naturally, he ends up hiding because talking to the other sex is scary, even if it’s just Y/N, someone he’s known for ages.

And someone who had a crush on them for almost as long.

Yamaguchi never meant to fall for her, it just kind of happened, like most cases of young love. Y/n is just so- How can Yamaguchi even explain it? She’s just so ethereal to him. Like a fairy, brightening up everyone's world, and pulling them out of their dark, dim shell. She speaks her mind and stands her ground, something that is so foriegn to him, theat he tends to forget she struggles with her own troubles from time to time as well. Yamaguchi finds himself feeling lucky he got to see her become much more outgoing and comfortable in her skin over the years, but almost gets whiplash from seeing her stumble on her words and hide behind her hair with him, then biting back with playful- but harsh- jabs with Tsukishima.

He remembers the day he met her almost like it was yesterday. Back then he had no idea that she’d change his life forever, he just liked her drawing of her pet dog. She’d always been an artist, and he remembers watching her trying out different mediums every week. She’d show up to school with her bag stuffed to the brim with different pencils, markers and even paints. She had to learn to carry all her supplies in a separate bag after one tube burst open all over the contents of her bag. After that she had bags on bags on bags filled with all the materials she planned to use throughout the day and they only got more complex over the years. Yamaguchi recalls the day she ran into their shared classroom and announced that your new canvas of choice would be skin, as she wanted to experiment with makeup. Soon after the bags of art supplies dwindled down to her makeup case and bag of moisturizer she used and tried to convince him and Tsuhishima to invest in, which had little avail. Much like the times where she’d ask him and Tsukishima to pose as models in her pieces, she would ask them to be the models or ‘test subjects' for her makeup looks. Well not exactly. She never asks Yamaguchi to model.

He has to pretend that doesn’t hurt each time.

Yamaguchi shakes his head, banishing those thoughts away from his mind, once again. He doesn’t need that right now. “I’m serious though!” Her voice draws him back to reality, and back to the conversation. How does she look diseased? He asks himself. He thinks she’s the most gorgeous being alive, but he’s just a bit biased.

“Anyway, I stay in the sun too long ONCE and get all these freaking blemishes on my face. Once!” She complains, pointing to her face. Wait- is she pointing at- Her friend shakes her head. “It’s not even that bad! Can’t you use a cream or something to get rid of them?” Y/n shakes her head. “I tried everything! At this point i’m considering picking them off.” What?! Her friend sighs. “You really are dumber than I thought. How would you get to practice makeup with big old gashes on your skin? And you know they would probably just come back.” her friend reasons. Y/n flutters her lips as she adjusts her bag. “Yeah, I know. I'm just tired of looking at them And using so much makeup to cover them up all the damn time. I’m almost out of concealer. Again.” Y/n said something else as her and her friend walked back to their classroom, but they were too far out of earshot at that point and Yamaguchi couldn’t seem to care. His heart was plagued with her words.

“Diseased.”

“Hideous.”

Yamaguchi felt sick. The only thing on her face that was even relatively new that she could be talking about was her freckles. Like the ones completely decorating his face. Y/N never had freckles growing up, but she did always complain about having sensitive skin and could’ve easily gotten them from the sun like she mentioned earlier. Her words keep running through his head with no end in sight. She’d rather harm herself than have freckles? Harm herself in stead of looking like me? He’s aware that she was probably being dramatic, but logic has no place in the mind of an anxious teen. If she thinks that way about herself and her few freckles, what does she think of me? Yamaguchi takes a deep breath in and adjusts his clothing that was wrinkled against the lockers. He knows what he has to do.

“What are you even talking about?” Tsukkisima asks, while adjusting his headphones. “Whatever, it’s nothing,” Yamaguchi sighs and fiddles with the pencil in his hand. “What’s the answer to number six?” Tsukishima grasps Yamaguchi’s twiddling pencil. “Stop that shit. What’s up?” Yamaguchi bites his lip and mutters something incomprehensible. “Huh? Speak up.” “Why doesn’t Y/n ask me to model for her!?” Yamaguchi shouts, bursting out of his seat and slamming his hands down on the table garnering stares from everyone else in the library. Tsukishima’s eyes widen at his friend's outburst as Yamaguchi’s flushed face only gets redder. “Sorry.” he apologizes, settling back down in his chair.. “You really wanna be Y/ns test subject?” Tsukishima side eyes Yamaguchi. “Well I- uh- I mean.” he bites his lip. “I don’t necessarily not want to…y’know.” Yamaguchi tries to avoid Tsukishima's annoyed gaze. “It would be nice to be thought of?” Yamaguchi states trying to convince Tsukishima that any normal friend would want to be a makeup ‘test subject’, regardless of any romantic feelings involved.

“Dude.”

“Yes?”

“You’re freaking whipped. It’s pathetic.”

Damn, so much for that attempt. “I’m not…” Yamaguchi meets Tsukishima's gaze, already calling his bluff. “Okay maybe a little bit. But is that so bad?” Yamaguchi signs and clunks his head to the table. “ This shit has been going on for way too long. I’m starting to believe it’s a fucking kink or something since no one would actively draw this awkward pining shit out.” Yamaguchi rolls his eyes. It’s not like he would understand. He likes to bat off any and all feelings with a 5 foot pole. “I didn’t consent to observe this over the past.. .” He numbers off his fingers. “How long has it been? Four years?” Yamaguchi mutters something into the table. “Were you talking to the table or?” Tsukishima questions. “I said,'' Yamaguchi picks his head up so his chin rests on his folded arms “five years.” A moment of silence passes. “Five fucking years? Do you not realize that means you spent a whole third of your life simping over this girl. A third! Can you imagine what you could’ve done with all that emotional turmoil instead?” “Do you not think I ask myself that question everyday?” Yamaguchi snaps, as Tsukishima's eyes widen. Yamaguchi exhales. Calm down, Tadashi. He’s just trying to help. Yamguchi rubs his eyes trying to cast away the exhaustion creepy in. Whether it be physical or emotional, he couldn’t tell. “Look, i’m trying to work on it, ok?”

“Work on what?”

Yamaguchi swears he jumped at least a foot in his seat and his heart stopped beating, every ounce of fatigue is zapped out of him with Y/n’s subtle and friendly shoulder touch. Yamaguchi didn’t necessarily hate her touch, not in the slightest, even though her hand recoiled after his full body reaction to it, assuming he did. He loves the subtle touches she gives to her friends, even if they make him panic internally- whether he and Tsukishima were talking about her before then or not.

“I’m sorry!” She apologized. “ I didn’t mean to startle you!”

“It’s fine!” He breathed, clutching his chest and heaving. “I’m fine!”

He was not fine but he quickly gathered his senses anyway to come up with a cover story because ‘Oh we were talking about my everlasting and undeniable love and attraction for you and how it’s crippling me inside! Nothing important! Just boy things.’ isn’t something Yamaguchi just felt fine confessing; that was the root of the problem after all.

“Tsukki here,” Yamaguchi starts, pointing a friendly thumb to the visibly annoyed Tsukishima “won’t stop teasing me about my English homework, and I was telling him to buzz off about it.” he gives a little chuckle and wonders if he’s visibly sweating. Y/n furrows her eyebrows, finding it hard to believe that he told anyone to buzz off at all, and even more hard to believe that he said that to Tsukishima, the salt king himself. She recalled a time where he offered to tutor her in the same subject he’s now struggling in when she fell behind after a few sick days, but she doesn’t press the matter and moves on with an awkward ‘Okaaaay?'' She turns to Tsukishima. “So Tsukishima!”- “No, I'm not gonna be your test subject. You could never pay me enough.” Tsukishima interrupts. “Damn.” she sighs. “Worth a shot!” Then Tsukishima does something so traitorous it may startle the very foundation of their extensive, and once unbreakable friendship.

“Ask Yamaguchi, he’d love to be your dress-up dolly for the night.”

Yamaguchi pales Tsukishima Kei what the hell are you doing?!?! He casts the traitor a wide eyed look and attemps to kick him in the shin, but misses and kicks the table leg. Y/n takes note of poor Yamaguchi’s immense panic (and now, pain) and quickly retorts in what she believes to be his defense. “Tsuki, don’t sign him up for things like that, it’s mean!”

Wait.

Does she not think I'm good enough?

Is it because of my freckles?

Say something, you freak!

So in a moment of immense self-pressure, he states, albeit a bit too loud (once again),

“I- I can do it!”

All three of their eyes widen in disbelief. Tsukishimas in astonishment and a bit of pride for Yamaguchi finally doing something, anything to advance his relationship and end the horrid pining, Yamaguchi in fear and surprise of his own actions and the repercussions of them and Y/n in something Yamaguchi can’t yet decipher.

“What?” Y/n asks. “Um- I- Uh..” Yamaguchi gathers himself, clears his throat and sits up straight, almost regretting when he meets Y/n’s eyes. “I can help you with your makeup- as a m-model of course.” He specifies. Y/n’s eyes widen and he mouth hangs agape. “You really don’t have to!” she blurts. Yamaguchi’s heart sinks. Of course. Why would she me to model of all people. Theres as reason she hasn’t asked you, idiot. “Not because I wouldn’t want you to!” she corrects after seeing him deflate in his seat. “I- I just don’t want you to feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to! Thats- uh- that’s why I haven’t asked you before because you are always so nice and helpful! And I- I didn’t want you to feel pressured to do anything you didn’t want to for my sake!” she clarifies with her hand fiddling with the bottom of her uniform. “Then why do you ask me all the time?” Tsukishima chimes in. Y/n’s head and personality does a 180 as she whips her head to face him. “Beacause, you are an asshole and it’s fun to annoy you, duh.” She states like it’s obvious before she turns back to Yamaguchi. “I would love to have you as my model, if you would have me of course.” Yamaguchi gulps and nods his head, trying to ignore what other meanings ‘if you would have me’ could have out of context. Damn, Tsukki was right. I am whipped. “Yay!” she says with a little hand clap. “I’m so excited! Text me when you can come over! I’m free most days!” Wait. Shit. Shit, shit shit! Yamaguchi, in all his newfound confidence (and pressure from his best friend) forgot that he most likely would be modeling at a house. Probably hers and most likely alone. What the hell did I get myself into?

Yamaguchi never thought a door would be so intimidating. Just knock! He tells himself. It’s not hard! He gulps. Welp. Here goes everything, I guess. He slowly raises his shaking fist to the door, just for it to swing open and make Yamaguchi jump in the air like a scared cat from a cartoon. “Hey Yams! Come on in!” She ushers, not noticing, or caring about his skittish reaction as she grabs his hand and takes him to her room.

Before he has time to really panic that ‘y/n is holding my hand, oh my freaking god! What if it’s gross? What if im sweaty? Whatifwhatifwhatif-’ He’s already in her room- which bring in a whole new set of worries. Holy shit I'm in a girls room. Holt shit. I’m in Y/N’s room. I”M IN Y/N’s ROOM. It’s not like he hasn’t been in her room before. As kids, the trio of Tsukishima, Y/n and Yamaguchi, would fight over the correct names of dinosaurs and who got to be the pterodactyl when playing with Tsukishima’s toy dinos between these four walls. The four walls, which now were painted and decorated with anime posters and pictures of her favorite idols along with some of her most treasured art works you made over the years instead of the many, many, many scribbles from half baked drawings in crayon and marker that she hid from her parents with the pictures she drew in class. He remembers you bursting into class one day a few years ago, excited to tell them that even though her parents knew of the childish scribbles you made on the wall in bouts of ‘artistic genius’ they offered to help you redecorate and paint over it .

It makes him realize how long it has been since you really spent time together.

Has it really been that long?

How far has he really drifted from you?

“Earth to Yamaguchi?” Yamaguchi snaps his head to Y/n’s voice. Shit. How long has she been talking? “There you are!” she giggles. “Oh, i’m sorry!” he apologizes as he rubs the back of his neck. “ I just got distracted by…yknow,” he gestures to the ‘new’ redecortaed room. “All of this. It’s kind of hard to recognize without the big lion drawing on that wall.” he points. “It was a superhero!” she corrects as he chuckles. “I can’t tell you which one it was supposed to be though.” she admits meekly. “Now come on!’ she encourages as she plops down on her rug. “Sit right here.” she points to the spot right in front of her. “O-Okay.” he gulps and obeys, trying not to relish in the fact that he’s barely a foot away from his crush, in a house that’s empty but the two of them. “So, I was wondering if you had any restrictions before we start?” Y/n aks as she begins to lay out her products. “Restrictions?” he asks. “Y’know, things you really don’t feel comfortable with. Like I won’t give you clown makeup or anything!” she promises. “But I do have a more extravagant out-of-this-world idea when it comes to you.” Out of this world? Yamguchi questions. “Oh! And I want it to be a surprise! Not because of anything bad I just really wanna see you reaction to your final look! I understand if you aren’t comfortable with that of course!” her voice starts to speed up, much like his when he feels like his is rambling on and on. “I am really grateful for you being here and letting me do this and i certainly don’t-” “Hey.” Yamaguchi places his hand on hers, out of pure instinct, but draws it back after both pairs of eyes drifted down to them. “I- I really don’t mind either way! To be honest!” Yamaguchi reveals with a large, friendly grin as Y/n’s shoulders relax and a soft smile reaches her face. “Okay, got it!” She says cheerfully as she pulls out a few more products from her makeup bag.

“And Yamaguchi?” She turns to face him.

“Hmm?”

Her eyes meet his as she softly speaks.

“Thank you for being here. It really means a lot to me.” She tucks her hair behind her ear. “I..really miss you, y’know?”

Yamaguchi swears he’s never seen something as ethereal as she is right now, her figure doused by the sunset peeking through the window on her left, a sheepish, shy smile complimenting her relaxed and welcoming body.

His lips move on their own as he opens them to say “Y/n, i-”

“Oh this is just your shade!” she announces. “Don’t you think?” she asks as she puts a dollop of what Yamaguchi believes to be foundation on his wrist and rubs it in. “It fits perfectly!” She exclaims. oh. “Yeah, it does.” He agrees, with a pitch of sadness in his voice that he hopes isn’t recognizable.

As Y/n starts working on his face Yamaguchi can’t help but to slip into those deprecating thoughts that follow him around like a shadow and take him by force into the darkness. Especially in times like this.

She doesn’t like you like that! It’s very obvious, even an idiot like you should be able to see that!

She doesn’t even want you here! She’s just being polite!

She thinks you are HIDEOUS, remember? DISEASED!

Yamaguchi does what he can to combat the demons in his head and the subtle stinging in his eyes.

“And just a few drops of concealer!” she states as she blends the creamy liquid under his eyes. “But-” Yamaguchi starts. Y/n lets out a slight “hmm?” as she looks through her makeup for a specific item. “I-I don’t think that would be enough.” He stammers as her eyes meet his figure once again. “To y’know,” he gulps. “cover all of this” he motions to his cheeks. “What do you mean?” she asks. He bites his lip as a woeful look crept over her face. “Yamaguchi..” she utters in a sorrowful tone, like she’s comforting a child. He can’t stand to look at her when she uses this voice, he already feels on the verge of tears

. “Is that why you wanted me to do your makeup? To cover your freckles?” He nods into his shoulders. “I-” she sighs. “I’m sorry, Yams. I can’t do that. It’s not right.” Yamaguchi quickly meets her eyes. “W-what? Why?” she shakes her head. “Your freckles are a part of you Yamaguchi. You’ve had them all your life and they are what makes you you. I’m not gonna hide them. I thought you told me you stopped worrying about your freckles in middle school.”

I did, for the most part. But it’s different when the love of your life basically calls you ugly.

He opens his mouth to say something, but bites his lip in shame.

She starts to put her makeup into her bag. “You can ask someone else, but I can’t do that. I just can’t.” Yamaguchi is being pulled every which way by his emotions .Confusion, anger, hurt, guilt. So much so he blurts out half baked words;

“Do you think I'm hideous and disgusting?”

Y/n whips her head around from the makeup she was placing away. “What?! No! Of course not! Where did you get that id-”

“I heard you!”

“I-in the hallway near the lockers. I wasn’t- I really wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, I just wanted to say hi!” he looks away, at the floor, at the ceiling- at the abundance of plushies on her bed, anywhere but the disappointed face he expects to see “But you were talking to your friend about your freckles and how you try so hard to cover them and get rid of them and how they are disgusting, and shitty!” He’s facing her now but he can only focus on how much it hurts.The words piling and piling out, red hot from years and years of painful silence- stabbing him, branding him with the fear and self hatred he already harbored since he was young. “And you- you only have a handful of them while- while i have a freaking constellation on my face! And I-” he wipes his face, now aware of the outgoing tears. “I can’t get rid of them! No matter how many times I try to hide them, no matter how many times I try to pick them off they- they always return! And I can’t change that! No matter how many times I try! And I do try, so so fucking hard So if you- the most beautiful person thinks that they are ugly in any way shape or form, then what does that make me?!” The tears are blurring his vision now, blinding him from the horrified look on Y/n’s face, eyes wide with her own tears starting to simmer- but Yamaguchi can’t find himself to care. “I- just want to be-” he chokes as he gasps for air. “I just want to be enough for you!” he wails. “That’s all I ever wanted to be! And- and you are just so perfect in every way! How can i?” he sniffles and hiccups, calming down where he can only see her tear stricken face.

“How can I ever be enough for you?”

And suddenly, it was never about his freckles.

No, it was about a boy, a boy locked away in the tower of his own head, beaten black and blue by his demons wanting love- wanting to just be enough for someone. For anyone.

For her

For himself.

And he just opened the floodgates

What have I done?

Yamaguchi barely recognizes her touch embracing him at first, as reality settles in fast and hard, grounding him and shattering him. Shattering all the resolve he’s built up for years and years leaving him defenseless in her arms. What have I done? Oh my god.

What have I done?

“I’m so- so sorry!” She cries into his arms, but he sits still paralyzed by fear, regret and everything he doesn’t know. About her. About him. About the two of them. What have I done? “Tadashi!” she calls “Tadashi, please.” He shakes his head, trying to self medicate and take himself out of his trance. “I’m so sorry.” he whispers into the air, avoiding her eyes. She shakes her head. “Tadashi please.” she sobs. “Look at me.” she begs as he lifts his head a little bit. She holds his chin lightly and looks into his eyes. “Tadashi please, listen to me.” His eyes finally meet hers and she can see him coming through. “Tadashi, you have always been enough. Always have been and always will be.” she sniffles. “God, I'm so fucking in love with you.”

What?

“I- I know, I know it’s crazy but I loved you since the day we met, Tadashi. I remember feeling so alone- and i was so freaking awkward- sitting under that tree, drawing. I was watching all the other kids play and I felt so alone, but then like a ray of sunshine, you walked over and told me you liked the picture I was drawing of my dog. I just was so enamored of the little boy with big eyes and the cutest freckles. I might not have known it then, but I've known for a little while that I'm head over heels for you. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” she reveals as she wipes her eyes on her shirt. Her eyes locked on his, he could barely register anything she said past “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

“I’m so fucking in love with you.”

“With me?”

She giggles as she lightly punches his arm. “Yes, you! Who else?” she confirms as he gulps. He didn’t mean to say that out loud. “But why? I’m not-” She makes a buzzer noise and shakes her head. “Yamaguchi, you are the nicest, most hardworking, most outgoing, amazing person I know. I’m lucky to have you in my life.” Yamaguchi feels his face heating up by the second. “You were the one always encouaging me to do my best with my art and supporting me even when I never though I could do it. You are the first one I want to come to when I have good or bad news and the first one I share my art pieces with. It’s you Yamaguchi.”Once again Yamaguchi feels the prickiling of tears in his eyes, but for a different reason this time. she chuckles and leans into an awkward laugh. “Wow, it feels so strange finally saying that out loud after all those years. I thought it was obvious after all the times I was caught staring at you in class, and all the times I suddenly became super clumsy around you. Hell, I was terrified of even being alone with you like this that’s why I never asked you to- Eh? No, please don’t cry!” she begs as Yamaguchi lets out a soft laugh. “I’m just so happy. I loved you for so long, Y/n.” he reveals as he wipes his eyes. Y/n gulps. “Shit.” she utters. “What?” he says alarmed. “This means Tsukishima’s right. We are two pining idiots.” she reveals as Yamaguchi throws back a laugh. “He gave you the talk too?” She groans. “Only like every other day! I’m surprised he never spilled to either of us. No wonder why he was always so annoyed.” she giggled. Y/n clears her throat, sits straight and pushes up her imaginary glasses. “I’ve watched you simp for way too long, any longer i’m going to demand compensation. 500 yen every time I see you staring at him, 1000 for every dreamy sigh and fluttering of the eyelashes and 1500 for every time you complain about ‘how it’s illegal to be that cute.” she mimic in her best Tsukishima voice. Yamaguchi cackles “No, no no,” he corrects between breaths of laughter. “It’s like..” he clears his throat as he preforms a slightly better Tsukishima impersonation. “All this endless pining has to be a kink or some shit- and I didn’t fucking consent.” Y/n clutches her sides in laughter as Yamaguchi makes sure he processes every second of this moment, one he’s deemed to replay time and time again. Just the two of them acting like fools again, just like they did before- but now without the fear of rejection and being vulnerable. Yamaguchi could never dream of something more beautiful.

She waves her hand in his face as he snaps back to reality. “Huh?” he questions as she laughs. “Yamaguchi, I swear you have the attention span of a goldfish.” she teases as she nudges him. “Yamaguchi.” he repeats slowly as she cocks her head. “Yes? That’s your name?” she states as he shakes his head. “That’s not what you called me earlier.” Her face tints red as a goofy grin takes over her face. “Okay, Tah-da-shi!” she gives his nose a little boop per syllable as the same red tint and goofy grin transfers to him. “What I was trying to ask before you went all space cadet on me was if Tsukishima actually said that.” she asks. “Hmm,” he hums as he taps his pointer finger on his chin. “Depends if the part about you staring at me and sighing dreamily was true.” he questions with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, suddenly confident. Her jaw drops as she stammers.

“Who- who allowed you to smirk like that?”

“Who allowed you to be all cute and flustered?”

“Stoppp!” she whines as she hides her face as he chuckles. “You know what!” she announces. “I did stare at you in class.” she admits as she pokes his chest. “You and all your cute freckles. I always tried counting them but always lost count or felt like a creep for staring. But-” she inches closer to his face. “I couldn’t help it, I've always been a sucker for pretty boys like you.” he gulps. “Y-you think i’m pretty?” he whispers as she hums in agreement. “Well you- you can count them now if- if you’d like.” he offers, hoping to all gods his voice didn’t crack like he thought it just did. “I’d love to.” she mumps and closes the distance and places a kiss on his cheek, and on one of his freckles.

“One.”

Another freckle

“Two.”

Another freckle

“Three.”

Another freckle

“Four-”

Yamaguchi couldn’t take it anymore and leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Time felt like it slowed for him as he savored every moment of her sweet, soft lips on his. It was short and sweet, but left them breathless all the same and left them smiling into each other as they caught their breath.

“Hey Tadashi?”

“Yeah?”

“What did you mean earlier? About the hallway?”

Shit. He forgot about that.

“Uh…” he bites his lip. “It doesn’t really matter, how about we just keep kissing, yeah?” he diverts as she stops him, placing her hand on his chest with a giggle. “Ah-ah-ah. None of that.” he pouts. “So.. what you are saying is you don’t wanna kiss me?” he retorts, biting his lip, holding in a giggle of his own. “I definitely did not say that, Yamaguchi.”

“Tadashi.” he corrects

“Tadashi.” she repeats, playfully rolling her eyes. “I’m serious. I wanna clear it all up right now so there's no more misunderstandings with us, okay?”

Yamaguchi sighs. “Fineeee. But please don’t make a big deal or laugh at me or anything, okay?” She frowns. “Why would I ever laugh at you?” He shrugs and takes a deep breath in.”I might have heard you in the hallway a few days ago talking about how much you hate your freckles and how you think they are shitty, and gross. You said you just use makeup to cover them so I thought you could do that for me? And when you said you wouldn’t it made me feel-” he stops as he sees her covering her mouth in what he only assumes could be an attempt to hold back her laughter. “You said you wouldn’t laugh!” he whines. “I'm not-” she starts, and attempts to act composed, but with little avail as laughter seeps through the cracks and she begins to howl in laughter as Yamaguchi crosses his arms. “I’m sorry- I really am!” she says between gasps of laughter. “But- but you think- you think these are freckles?” she questions, pointing to what Yamaguchi believes is a freckle on her face. He nods dumbly. “Yeah…what else would they be?” “Acne!” she exclaims. “Blackheads, to be exact! Dirt, grease, grime and sweat that crept into my pores and clogged them!”

“What.”

Y/n throws her head back in laughter. “So you were so worried over nothing! This,” she takes a deep breath in to regain composure. “This is why we don’t eavesdrop.” “I wasn’t trying to! I- I just wanted to say hi! I-It’s really not my fault you talk so loud!’ He pouts as he crosses his arms and looks away. “Tadashi, you are so cute. Worrying over what lil ole’ me thinks.” she pinches his cheeks. “I’m not-” he nudges her grabby hand off of him with his shoulder and sits up straight, trying to maintain the smidge of dignity he has left. “I’m not cute, first of all. Second, your ‘lil ole opinions’ mean a lot to me, if you didn’t get that earlier.” he reveals, blushing. “I wasn’t lying when I said that my freckles stopped bothering me in middle school. It's not easy to just forget and get over something I struggled with all my life.” he references to earlier. Hearing you say- or at least thinking I heard you say how much you hate them really hurt me, as much as I hate to admit. I know it’s pathetic-”

“It’s not.” she interrupts.

“It’s really not. We all have our insecurities, we all have our demons, we all have our limits. One thing that those things all have in common is the tendency people have to ignore them or pretend they don't exist.” She explains. “It’s so much easier to do then accept them, because when you finally do,” she looks into his eyes. “You learn to overcome them. It may take ages, and you may never fully get over them. But it’s a sure lot more than what most people are able to do. And you,” she pokes his chest. “Are so much stronger than you believe. Admitting your insecurities, looking them in the eye and accepting that although they may bother you some now, they don’t have half as much of a hold on you than before. It’s amazing, Tadashi. You are amazing.”

In that moment he knew that he may never feel enough for anyone or anything 24/7 and may feel the ups and downs that life will inevitably bring- but he has her and she’ll be around to remind him that he is, and that is all he needs.

“Now that that’s settled, time to finish your look!” she cheers as she claps her hands.

“Wait, what?” he questions. “I thought you didn’t wanna do my makeup anymore after I told you I wanted my freckles covered?” she shakes her head. “Nope.” she says, popping the ‘p’ at the end. “I think it’s more important to do it now than ever!” she exclaims with a smile engulfing her face. How was Yamaguchi supposed to say no to that?

“O-okay!”

Thump

Tsukishima couldn’t sleep. If you’d ask him why, he’d probably say it’s because a headache (even though the he’s bouncing a volleyball against his wall causing loud thumps guaranteed to make any headache immensely worse.) and under no circumstance him worrying for his best friend who, earlier acted like he had a date with death, instead of a date with his crush.

‘it’s not a date! Just two people hanging out and doing makeup! Just friendly activities!” Yaaguchi whined as he closed his locker. Tsukishima rolled his eyes and sighed. “I don’t give a fuck. But if you two don’tt walk into class together holding hands i’m having Shrimpy serve a spike on your fat, dumb head.” he promises and walks away as he hears Yamaguchi complain about not having a fat head and Hinata (who came out of nowhere- as per usual) get all mad about being called Shrimpy even though he was never directly mentioned.

Hmm. Maybe Tsukishima does have a headache. A Yamaguchi sized one.

THWACK

The volleyball he was tossing bounced back past his hands- and onto his face. God damn it. He tosses the ball off of his bed and grabs his phone, in need of a mindless distraction that won’t bruise his face and break his glasses.

Oh? A mention from Yamaguchi? Isn’t he supposed to be with Y/n right now?

He clicks on it and it's the absolute last thing he’d ever expect to see.

A picture of Yamaguchi, shyly looing into the camera with the most bashful smile he’s ever seen on the boy, and a mirage of of pinks, blues and purples decorating his face, with spreckels of silver littering his face with lines connecting them, almost mirroring his freckles-no;

They were stars.

A galaxy

A Constellation.

But the most surprising feat in the photo was Y/n with he arms around his neck, looking into his eyes with nothing but clear admiration and content, with sloppy dots- freckles- across her face that she most likely had Yamaguchi do for her with makeup, ones that almost matched his everyday look. Below the picture was a caption reading;

My Galaxy Boy

With sparkles following and preceding the words. He scoffs and shakes his head playfully. That's so y/n. The he scrolls down to see where Yamaguchi tagged him;

@Tskeishima Is my fat head safe?

He smirks as he types;

@sweetyamagashi For now.

Took yall long enough.

#yamaguchi x reader #haikyuu yamaguchi #Haikyuu x reader #yamaguchi x you

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crystal-moon-101 · 3 years

Photo

Since I saw people talking about Ben's little big chill kids, I thought I'd finally do some headshots of my ones, who are also a part of my Ben 10 Next Gen. For me, I've always imagined that for young necrofriggians, they all start out looking the same (Beyond some size difference), but as they grow older, they'll start to develop their own patterns, small body traits and shades of colour, as showcased here. I'll share the little info on each sibling, and the basics of who they are as a person. When Ben first found them again, saving them from poachers and going full mum mode, they had been developing these different psychical traits, but not enough to identify each properly on their own, so while giving them names, Gwen used bandana pieces to colour code them, and each kid still wears theirs to this day, slightly modified. So here they are now, as full grown young adults. You can follow from left to right each row, or just the colours next to their names. -North (Black)- The largest and physically strongest of the kids, North acts as the leading member when Ben isn't around, doing their best to watch out for their siblings and be a middle ground to them. It's been this way since they were born, looking out for them and doing whatever they can to protect the others. This has resulted in North collecting quite a few scars and wing tears, though they wear them with pride, wanting to display how strong they are to others. They often looks up to Ben when it comes to being a hero, in how their mumdad protects others and the galaxy, and wants to be a fighter like him one day, often asking to train with their mumdad whenever he's around. Ben has suggested Plumber training for North, but they're still thinking about that. -Tundra (Red)- Tundra is a very curious one, and is known to wander off when things catch their interest. They prefer using experience to learn from, thus making them quick on their feet when something happens, and good at thinking logical. When the siblings are struggling with something, or come across some kind of problem, it's often Tundra who provides the quickest answers that should go well for them. That being said, due to their wandering, they gave gotten into trouble a few times and need to be saved by their siblings or Ben, as despite how smart they are, they can be a bit of a ditz when something catches their interest. -Grey (Silver)- Having a connection to the earth bellow, Grey often spends their time searching caves, and any hidden areas they can find. They especially love to research and find minerals of any kind, ranging from metals to gems, sometimes even studying their metal lunch for the day before eating it. Because of this, they can be carelessly dirty, and aren't the cleanest of people, but does pick up after themself when reminded. Grey is also pretty close with their sibling Storm, and surprising Gwen and Ben when first hearing the two call each other "Dweeb" and "Doofas", when first meeting them again. -Storm (Brown)- As someone who likes to spend a lot of time flying and high in the clouds, Storm is fascinated by the weather and how it behaves, and feeling the cold fresh air and challenging themself with flight training. This has provided them to have the most agility in the air, and knows the best ways to build up speeds, while also not draining themself. Whenever they aren't flying around, they're doing research on the weather, very keen to be a meteorologist one day. Whenever Ben visits, they will often ask him about the weather on other planets, and any adventures he's had in the sky. Storm is also pretty close with their sibling Grey, and surprising Gwen and Ben when first hearing the two call each other "Dweeb" and "Doofas", when first meeting them again. -Crystal (Blue)- Graceful on their feet, Crystal is a charming and gentle person, with a keenness for the art of dancing, especially when hovering in the air. This was something sparked in them when seeing how the patches in their wings, which are see through, glittered and reflected light through them, making Crystal often move around to see what they could get them to do, and the introduction of dancing was something they latched onto as a result. They are one of the hardest of the siblings to get angry, upset or rile up, and often goes with the flow and speaks in a slow and soft voice. Because of their kind nature and beautiful display of their wings, Crystal has attracted many others who are interested in them, many falling for them after meeting Crystal for a mere minute, though they tend to pretend not to notice, and turn down those who ask. -Orion (Orange)- Having an eye for art, Orion is a skilled painter and drawer, while also dabbling into other art forms to create things, their room filled with their works of art, and often creating gifts for others. From when they were little, Orion has always admired their auntie Gwen, and are always keen and eager to hang out with her when she visits, showing every new drawing and painting they have made while she was away. In fact their fondness for auntie Gwen is why they picked the orange bandana, as it reminded them of her hair. -Neva (Green)- Fashion focused and head strong, Neva is a keen one, who knows exactly what they like and isn't afraid to say it. They love designing things to wear, especially since fashion isn't that big on Kylmyys, and Ben brings them fabrics and items they request from earth whenever he comes by on a visit. Though, despite Neva's expensive tastes, they are most certainly aren't a snob, and more often than not create outfits and accessories for others that Neva knows they'd like, and wants to bring out the best beauty in them. Though admittedly, they can get a bit carried away if someone asks for fashion advice, or even brings up the idea of something related to it. Neva also a bit of a business mind too, having gotten some clients recently on their homeworld after seeing what Neva could make. -Raine (Aqua)- A very sweet young one, Raine has a keen eye for collecting things, particularly shiny or unknown stuff. From gemstones to simple earth utensil, if something interests them, Raine is known to take it with them, sometimes snatching without thinking. They don't mean any harm, and just sometimes think before acting, and will give something back if they've realized what they've done, but if it's clear they can keep it, then they aren't one to share, though do like to show off what they have with joy. They are also very well organized, knowing where everything they own is, and even when their siblings misplace something, having a photography memory and mental list of things. They may own a lot of stuff, but that doesn't mean they want to live in a pigsty. -Vale (Yellow)- Being one of the quiet ones, Vale likes to keep a lot to themself, and don't speak very often, only when they need to. They spend a lot of time outside, observing nature as it passes by them, using a little diary to note down what they see, hear, feel, smell and even taste. They like to appreciate silence and the world around them, and the beauty of nature, and collect little things to store away in their diary as memory. Whenever they visit earth, they love to visit the forests in the spring and summer, seeing the range of colours blooming from flowers, and has many flower prints because of this. -Lux (Beige)- Quite the basic of people, Lux likes to live life in a simple way, and tends to try and stare clear of any chaos, which is quite hard when you have 13 wild siblings. Because of them, they can come across as annoyed and frustrated at times, and can be blunt and honest, but they do love their siblings, and is often the one that says what's needed to be said. Lux also have massive wings compared to their body, a ratio none of the others have, and use to trip over their feet a lot growing up. Now, their massive wings are a great way to hide away when they're not in the mood to talk to read a book, or to hug a family member when seeing them down. -Micha (Pink)- Bubbly and sneaky, Micha has been dubbed the "Pink Ninja" for a reason, someone almost always able to hide away and sneak up on others. They love to jump scare people, and has found more and more crafty ways to get around without being noticed, even without their ability to go invisible. They love to pull jokes and get a laugh out of people, and Micha is known to have a snort with their own laughter. It's always their mission to catch Ben off guard when he visits, as each time it gets trickier due to him knowing it's coming, and his training and skills build up over the years, but Micha always finds a way in the end. -Zodiac (Gold)- Patient and often neutral toned, Zodiac is often seen to be pretty wise. From a young age, they've always loved stories from history, especially those about myths and legends they hear from around the galaxy, and spend a lot of their time reading and researching anything they hear about, always keen to hear a new story they may have never heard about before. It always fascinates them how much Ben has seen and done, and the stories he tells, Zodiac is practically fond of those about Alien X and Celestialsapians, and wants to meet one one day. -Alaska (White)- High on energy 99% of the time, Alaska is always zooming around and never has time to stop. They rarely sit still for long, and it takes a lot to drain them of their endless energy, always moving in a blink of an eye. Because of this, Alaska is the fastest of the crew, which has come in handy often. But they can be easily bored, and a little frustrating to deal with when they don't pay attention, but they do like to spend that energy by jumping around each sibling to spend the day with, and wants to engage in all of their activities to support them. -Arlo (Purple- The smallest of them, Arlo was born the runt of the group, but thanks to their siblings, especially North, they managed to survive childhood when most other necrofriggian runts would have died. This makes Arlo the baby of the group, and the one they all want to protect, even if it can be a little baring at much, wanting to prove they can be strong on their own. And Arlo somewhat got their wish, when reaching a certain age and Ben learning that one of his children had the spark, thus meaning Arlo is an Anodite, and is able to use magic, though they're far from being perfect at it, and their small body sometimes struggles to keep up. But each day Arlo practices, wanting to feel more than just the tiny one, but they are generally kind and great with emotions, being very supportive and just trying their hardest.

#ben 10 #B10 #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 original series #ben 10 ben tennyson #ben tennyson #Ben 10 Big Chill #Big Chill #necrofriggian #Baby Chills #Ben 10 Next Gen #next generation #My Art

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etheriadearie · 4 years

Text

“Promise”

Why can't you just… Promise ?

Today's goal is an in-depth look at one of the most beautiful and breathtaking episodes of She-ra: "Promise"

Storywise, it's incredibly important to the series, and focuses entirely on Catradora. It's the first time since Adora left Catra behind to seek out the sword that the girls really have an opportunity to talk, and things are not going well. Both of them are royally pissed off at the other, with good reason.

For Adora, we're gonna deflate that proud hair poof of hers a bit, as we'll take an honest look at her as a person at this point in her life. And Catra... she's really guarding her feelings closely, as she's already deeply angry with Adora. But we will use the combination of Catra's younger self in the memories they see, plus looking at other times in the series that relate to this episode, where she was less guarded, in order to understand her as a person at this time. Also: warning: tl;dr, best enjoyed while cozy with a drink..

To get started, we skip to when they end up stuck together…

After Adora takes drastic measures to ward off the security spiders by collapsing the tunnel, the girls are now stuck together, and so… they talk...

We immediately see how incredibly irritated they are with each other as Adora chides Catra for being in the Crystal Castle, since the monsters will continue to attack them as long as she's protecting Catra… only to have Catra retort that she didn't ask for protection. Some snippy bickering back and forth happens, then...

Adora asks: "Does Shadow Weaver know you're here?" Very deadpan assertion from Adora. She knows Catra must be disobeying orders, she just doesn't know why.

"I'd say Shadow Weaver has bigger problems right now". Catra is already starting her move against SW back at the Horde. With SW abusively blocking her every move within the Horde, and now that Catra knows that SW was going to mind wipe Adora, Catra has decided she must deal with her abuser.

Adora puts on her telltale sideways grin, and Catra chafes at Adora's flirtation, saying "I told you it's not because I like you” downplaying Adora’s suggestion that this was the reason she let her go. Catra freely admits here that she does like Adora, but it's not the real reason she did it. Still, Catra doesn't explain further, and we see later that Catra often lets Adora explain away her actions this way... but that Adora constantly misses the deeper truths.

"Where are your new best friends? I thought you did everything together". She's very snarky and dismissive of Adora and her flirting. She's mad about Adora leaving her for her new life.

"The ones you let SW imprison and curse?" Adora is angry at Catra for what she did, which was a sudden escalation of things by Catra.

"Yeah obviously, what other friends would I be talking about?" An obvious dig at Adora for leaving her, everything behind. She deadpans this, staring back plainly. Catra is obviously really angry at Adora... while Adora is legitimately mad at Catra for doing something so nasty to Bow and Glimmer...

::Let's take a moment to talk about Catra's feelings about Adora's new friends: Catra feels horribly betrayed by this. Adora completely tossed her aside, and replaced her with Bow and Glimmer. What comes to mind is at the end of Sea Gate, Catra is thrown in the water and then looks up at Adora, who is celebrating and cuddling with Bow and Glimmer. Catra is emotionally forlorn watching this, as Scorpia comes to drag her off to safety, Adora doesn't even look back towards her.

She's forgotten, Adora showed no love towards her at all in that scene (and then hardly any at Princess Prom, either). Adora ignored her plea for her to return, she didn't reach out to Catra at all. And now she watches her cuddle with her new friends: everything Catra thought she had with Adora meant nothing, and she's been replaced with these feel goodie goods who are fawning all over Adora.

Suffice to say, Catra couldn't do this, she's got way too many issues with emotional intimacy and touch aversion. So she watches Adora, seeing that what she offered her wasn't good enough, knowing because of it she's forgotten. Catra was trying really hard to be a close friend to Adora in spite of her issues, but as we will see, Adora wasn't trying to understand what was going on with Catra. And because of this, Catra was too afraid to express her affection openly, and yet here's Adora... accepting all of Bow and Glimmer’s love, for which Adora really did nothing to earn. Adora took Catra’s friendship for granted while ignoring her deeper needs, as will be explained, then completely abandons her, not even seeming to miss her. Catra is deeply hurt by the unfairness of this.

>Catra stares back at Adora, frustrated when she doesn't even acknowledge their lost friendship.

"Well, we don't need to go together. You do your weird little magic quest thing I'll find my own way out". Catra looks resentfully at the sword on Adora's back as she says this. Catra is laying down boundaries, except it's useless since they are trapped together. But, boundaries are important to Catra and as the episode progresses, Adora shows that she doesn't really understand Catra's.

>As they walk along, both girls' shadows loom equally tall. The symbolism is that in this story, both are equally important... it's also a shockingly beautiful sequence. (pic above)

After entering the room of infinite darkness, Catra tries to separate from Adora but the door is gone, they are stuck together. Weird things start happening. As the Fright Zone appears, both of them are confused. Adora decides to suspect Catra, after all, she attacked her friends. But as Adora grabs Catra, Catra is surprised and confused... Catra doesn't like being touched unexpectedly, Adora knows this but is ignoring that and attacking her. She gets treated as an enemy when she clearly hasn't done anything wrong, and it sets the tone for the two of them: Adora has constantly treated Catra as an enemy since the very moment she defected, not even trying to understand Catra's point of view. And so Catra increasingly emotionally distances herself from Adora. Catra angrily casts Adora's arm aside, not liking being vilified by her, and Adora doesn't understand why Catra is so upset. Catra slips away to explore, needing space from her.

The way Adora immediately suspects and then attacks Catra is symbolic to the whole episode: by defecting to the Rebellion, Adora chose to start treating Catra, and her entire unit, as enemies, backing it up with hostility. But Catra doesn't really agree that the horde is evil... in her experience, it's just how life is.

>The two girls, now separated, call out to each other. Adora hears Catra's call, then another: young Catra is behind her, looking lost and insecure. Catra joins Adora as their first memory has just begun…

~DISCLAIMER TIME~ A lot of information in She-ra is inferred by emotional context, so if this seems a bit head-canon-y, I assure you, I have data! Please ask questions and seek clarifications, I promise to answer back! ~EtheriaDearie

>A worried and hurt young Catra runs to young Adora's side. She is emotional and needs support. Adora checks her out then gets the real deal: Catra was in a fight with an adult. It hints that Catra always had to deal with people messing with her, even before SW began her abuse. This is a guess, but it's probable: this is likely a happy memory of the two of them right before the hurting began. Along with the "promise" memory and the moments immediately preceding their entering the Black Garnet chamber, these scenes set the baseline for what their friendship was like before Catra suffered SW’s abuse. Also, this memory is a happy one, and how Adora remembers their friendship: it was likely triggered by her memories. The next ones are not, as I believe they are triggered by Catra, who is trying to explain to Adora what was so painful about their childhood...

>Catra doesn't know what to expect when she shows Octavia to Adora. She probably expects Adora to try to apologize on her behalf, or to give her a hard time about what she did. Instead, Adora sticks with her friend and yells “Hey Octavia, you're a dumbface." This brings young Catra much joy, Adora is sticking with her, not passing judgement. The two young girls run together hand in hand, experiencing childhood bliss, but it doesn't last. The present versions of themselves return, holding hands...

They share a brief moment of connection before Catra pulls her hand away in anger. Adora is surprised at the strength of Catra’s reaction. They are not on intimate terms any more, in fact, I suspect they had been struggling for a while before Adora's defection. Adora doesn't want the moment to stop, but Catra does. It hints that the gulf between them is already wide.

"How can you deal with all this magic stuff?" Catra has a deep distrust of magic, as it was used in her abuse. She resents it, and throughout the series whenever anything magic happens that she doesn't see coming she gets creeped out.

"I'm only dealing with it because I need to figure out how to heal Glimmer after someone got her cursed." It's a valid criticism, but Catra deflects it.

"What do you want? An apology? You're not getting one." We don't get the full story on this moment until season 5 when a young Catra tells Adora she'll "never say sorry to anybody, ever." Adora doesn't like Catra just refusing to explain, and as Catra pushes her away, Catra is full of reproach at Adora's judgement.

::As an abused child, Catra was continuously vilified and abused by everyone but Adora. And when Adora would suggest she apologize throughout their lives, she can't understand why Catra won't. It comes down to literally everyone in the world judging Catra and being cruel. Not once did any of them apologize to her, even though she didn't do anything to deserve the abuse. Except Adora... but that has issues, too. In fact, SW literally tells her "I won't apologize" regarding her abuse of Catra. Can you imagine the hurt at that?

[pic caption: Catra refuses to apologize, Catra often shows her deeper emotions while blinking, in this case: the incredible pain she experienced from SW’s abuse.]

So no, Catra won't apologize, she had a thing she was trying to do by kidnapping Bow and Glimmer and taking her sword, and it ended badly. But she felt she had a good reason to do it: she wanted to force Adora to see her, to make her acknowledge how big of a part of Adora’s life Catra used to be. And it's not like anyone has been helping Catra, she's had to make every single decision on her own her entire life and live with the consequences.

Also, mistakes for Catra have an entirely different meaning than they do for Adora. Whenever Adora made a mistake, she was given an opportunity to fix it. This is a theme of their relationship: Adora expects Catra to let her fix her mistakes. But for Catra, she learned that any mistake she made was dangerous, as when she did make a mistake, SW would torture her for it. And if other people saw it too, they'd use it to perpetuate the notion that she's some kind of no good fuck up. So Catra is extremely careful to not make mistakes, and if she does, she tries to cover it up, distance herself from it. (note: this isn't the same as Catra's intentional rebellions against this system where she was unfairly targeted for abuse-). This is why Catra simply cannot forgive Adora easily for breaking her promise: in Catra's world, she had to be perfect, or she could have been dead by SW's hand. She wasn't allowed to make mistakes like Adora is, she is what is clinically known as 'hyper vigilant' and always preparing for the worst. And so she applies this standard to be perfect all the time to Adora, and therefore she won't give Adora the same license to make mistakes with their friendship. Catra thinks Adora should know better, and see the consequences of her actions.

>Adora lets it go: when Catra seems to shut down, Adora does her best to try to accept her. Adora tries a different track. She asks Catra why she let her and Glimmer go when SW had them imprisoned, when it could have resulted in Catra getting in trouble. Catra walks ahead, trying to distance herself from having to answer. But the magic of the Crystal Castle intervenes: as Adora slips and begins to fall, Catra saves her. It's a symbolic moment: Catra has always tried to protect Adora, to save her from pain. It's why she changed course to give the sword back to her, partly.

"Did you really think I'd just let SW erase your memory like that?"

"I don't know. Probably." Adora shows such little understanding of their friendship. It shows Adora really is thinking of Catra as an enemy, not as the complicated person stuck between protecting her friend, and the cruel necessities of her life.

Catra looks at Adora with disappointment. "Yeah, well, you never did have too much faith in me." Adora tries to understand Catra's emotions, fails.

"Huh, can you blame me?" Ouch. Adora smiles at Catra, trying to show love for her roguish quirks. But it just shows how little Adora understands: she is repeating a negative stereotype of Catra that everyone in their old life believes and perpetuates. And Adora should know better, instead of just assuming the worst about her. That persona is one which Catra uses to protect herself, partly from her own emotional feelings, but also as a necessity to protect herself from SW. She had to act like she doesn't care, doesn't try, so SW wouldn't see her power.

"Psh, not really." As Catra turns away, again she deadpans this but you can see pain and disappointment leaking past her indifference.

As she walks away she trails her tail across Adora's hand, flirting and drawing Adora's attention to her butt. It's a cute little moment of telling a truth to counter the lie: 'Adora, you should know me better, and also, I like you.' Still, it's only a half truth: Catra couldn't let SW win because SW is Catra's true enemy. But, Adora takes the flirtatious hint, as always. She accepts it and doesn't dig deeper.

Catra asks Adora about their childhood, trying to understand how Adora could just throw it all away. Adora gives a very direct and impassioned speech, she looks Catra in the eyes, trying to convince her and make her understand why leaving was the right thing to do. Catra hides her emotions, weighing Adora's answer. She doesn't agree with her sentiment, in Catra's experience good and evil are relative and exist as such everywhere. Also, she's right: we meet many people in the Horde who aren't evil. And Adora's finding the sword is one giant sinister manipulation by Light Hope. Moral grayness is a constant theme in this show. Still, this isn't really why Catra chooses to stay with the Horde.

Adora sees her explanation failing to convince Catra, so she tries reminding Catra of their deeper friendship, telling her she misses her too. Catra is temporarily taken aback at being called out before remembering to deny it. She tells Adora to get over herself, and Adora tells her she won't stop until Catra says she likes her. They flirtatiously rough house, and Catra smiles during it: yeah, she does. But she denies it anyways.

::Adora often tries to be respectful of Catra's personal space but is making an exception here: she's telling her that she finds her desirable, and if Catra wanted it, they could be together. Adora can't understand why Catra feels the need to resist this, but she knows doing it helps her friend feel wanted. Still, this shows how casually Adora views their attraction.

Yes, they should be together. And actually, they had an unspoken agreement that they would be. But Catra's not going to open herself up to that just to serve her desire. She wants more from Adora, for Adora to show her that she really does see her, and cares about her. If she did, maybe Catra could open up about some of her pain. Being intimate without doing that would be impossible, and so far Catra's life still isn't safe enough to risk her feelings. Adora's promotion could have meant the beginning of something new between them, where they worked together to build a more secure future together where Catra didn't have to be fearful all the time. But instead, Adora left her.

So begins the second memory. The two girls, now teenagers, compete against each other in sparring. It's clear they are flirting, and neither is fighting all out. When Catra taunts Adora by putting her finger to her forehead, she shows how much better she is at fighting. She full heartedly laughs, Adora enjoys this and then throws a purposefully weak strike to restart the fight. When Adora seemingly turns the tables through brute force, Catra plays hurt to exploit Adora's naiveness. As Adora tries to show concern, Catra turns the tables back. She wants to teach Adora a lesson: that not everyone will play fair, as Catra knows all too well from SW's abuse. But Lonnie interrupts her. Catra doesn't appreciate this and makes quick work of Lonnie, showing just how good she is. Adora attacks, getting the predetermined win. Catra doesn't enjoy the beat down but accepts Adora's help up. She heads to Lonnie as Adora receives compliments from their commander.

As Catra confronts Lonnie, she tells Catra "you were playing dirty, I was just leveling the field". Catra will hear these words again when she leaves Adora behind in frustration near the end of the episode. They are significant: these are stereotypical views forced on Catra, and those views ignore that Catra was just doing something she felt was important: teaching Adora about the harsh realities that exist in the world. Real enemies don't play by the rules, and will be unpredictable.

As Catra’s anger rises at this, Adora puts her hand on Catra's shoulder to calm her down, then compliments Catra on her fighting skills. Catra ever so casually tosses the comforting hand aside. She's saying 'I can handle my emotions without your help, but thanks for asking.' As she tells Adora she let her win, Adora tries to tell if Catra really is ok.

Thus starts one of cutest exchanges between the two of them: as Catra tries to explain why she lets Adora win, Adora puts on her sideways 'you like me' grin while she playfully denies that Catra let her win. Catra gives a very animated and obviously made up explanation about not wanting to have people expect things from her. Adora grins along, and halfway through her lie Catra leans in, staring at Adora's lips before looking up into her eyes. Once again, Catra is undoing a lie by telling a truth: she let her win because she likes (loves) her. But it's only a half truth, once again...

Adora accepts the explanation, keeping her sideways grin: 'it's so cute how you like me'. Catra's explanation done, Adora moves on, wanting to catch up with their unit. Catra lets her do so while excusing herself. As Adora leaves, a huge amount of meaningful information passes across Catra's face…

First, Catra feels bad about having to lie to Adora, and it shows. Then, as Adora leaves to socialize, disappointment and rejection shows: Catra had hoped Adora might look deeper, and try to see the deeper truth. As Adora turns away and leaves we see a look of total love and adoration on Catra's face. She really, really loves Adora. She's the light of her life, a real idiot no doubt but Catra will always love her for exactly who she is.

The girls remain their younger selves as the rest of the memory plays out, Adora staying to accept praise while Catra separates to deal with her internal feelings which Adora always fails to see: the hurt and aloneness she feels.

>A frustrated young Catra cries, expressing her repressed emotions. It would be easiest to assume she cries because she's sad about losing, but we have to look ahead to the next memory to find the real truth.

Catra is sad because she never had a choice. SW took that choice from her, and while Catra is happy to let Adora win because of the love she feels for her, it hurts that she never really got to decide. And Adora doesn't see that, doesn't see the pain Catra is bearing, hiding. And so she cries for that, too. The one person who should love her doesn't really see her. As she looks up in the mirror to see herself, since no one else in her life seems to see her pain, she sees her present tearful self looking back. The pain of the past is real in the present, and while she's older now and won't let herself give in to tears, she feels the pain as she did back then. (pic 1, below) She sees the tears and it snaps her back to her present self, totally unnerved by the simulation as the security detects her and attacks. A fearful Catra screams, wanting help, wanting Adora.

>Adora snaps back to herself, having been participating in the replay of the memory post Catra excusing herself. She tries to run to help Catra, full of worry. She sees a terrified Catra trapped by the spider. As the spider begins to drag her away the two girls lock arms, trying to free Catra. But it's too strong, and as we see their grip start to slip, Catra looks to Adora wanting, pleading for help. As Catra is pulled away, Adora feels helpless, knowing she couldn't help her friend. She thumps her head in frustration that she wasn't there for Catra.

The scene speaks to an obvious truth: Adora has never quite been there enough for Catra. She's always less present, less aware of Catra's reality than she could have been. But since Catra was experiencing a painful memory when this happened, her reaction shows her vulnerable emotional state, and so she called out for help: Catra just wants to feel safe, for Adora to be there to help her. But she wasn't.

>As Catra is dragged away, she feels helpless, and calls out mournfully for Adora. But she's long gone; Catra is alone and scared, as usual. She screams out her frustration, the realization that she’s never gotten the help she needed, she always ends up alone. She cries tears for the suffering and anguish she feels from that. (pic 2, below) It’s a moment that shows us the real inner Catra: She feels deeply, whether it be her desire to be seen, loved by Adora, or the fear she feels in this moment and others. She tries her best to act confident in herself, but it's a lie: she needs support, yet is left behind by everyone, including Adora. She was willing to bear her pain for Adora's love, but she has become increasingly aware of how tenuous that really was growing up.

>Catra digs deep, like she's always done. She will handle this, won't take the abuse lying down. She shifts her mentality to being the survivor, the person who has survived years of abuse. She frees herself and gets to her feet, accessing her foe, determined to defeat it. She attacks, using her anger to deal damaging blows, seeking to destroy her enemy, to make sure she survives. She stands back, confident she's won, proud of herself for it. She doesn't quit, she always perseveres against those who want to destroy her. (pic 3)

Adora shows up, finishing the monster. Catra doesn't drop her mentality, this person who has lived a separate life from Adora and survived on her own, doing the hard things like winning fights and resisting Shadow Weaver's abuse.

Adora walks forward, seeing Catra's anger, determination. She looks blankly, trying not to upset Catra. She's trying to get a read on Catra but not having any luck, so she's being cautious. She asks if Catra is ok, casually pulling webbing off Catra's shoulder, trying to exist in her physical space without upsetting Catra further. "I had it" says Catra, not dropping her fighter stance, mentality at all. Catra is very much feeling the aloneness of her life from everyone, including Adora.

Adora tries to casually put aside Catra's assertion that she had it, she smiles diplomatically. She tries again to touch Catra, to break down her animosity and get her to calm down. It doesn't work. "We need to make sure we stick together from now on." As Adora touches Catra, she tenses, uncomfortable. Catra has strong touch aversion, and Adora knows this but she also knows doing it sometimes helps Catra shift her mentality, so she's trying to get Catra to connect emotionally, to get her to accept care.

"Will you stop telling me what to do?" An exasperated Catra says. We see a look of total dismay cross Adora's face. She's not understanding why Catra has so much animosity in this moment. (pic below)

As Adora looks at Catra, she hunches her body, looking misunderstood and isolated. Adora has consistently failed to see Catra's emotional states and so Catra is feeling more and more apart; that the mentality of the survivor she's feeling now is the right one. Adora didn't really help her at all growing up, and she doesn't see her for who she really is, either. Adora always took the easy explanation, like saying that Catra did things for her because she liked her. Never looking deeper, trying to see her struggle. And so Catra doesn't drop her combative pose, she stays in it because she feels in control, less vulnerable.

As for the words "stop telling me what to do", that's an essay in itself but consider: just now Adora became frustrated when she lost Catra, and now tells her they need to stay together. But they didn't, they never did, and even when they are together Adora is no real help to Catra. So she reacts in anger to Adora trying to direct her. After all, in the next scene we will see that Adora leads Catra into danger, and then doesn't really help her as she gets abused. Adora is no great leader, not according to Catra's experience.

::Adora is having a total loss, here, as she tries to understand Catra, why she's angry at her: It's because she has never really known this 'survivor' side of Catra. Adora wants to comfort her and calm her down, but Catra isn't having it. I think this is when we first see Adora begin to realize that there is something is very wrong with her friend that she has completely failed to see, and she's deeply worried by it. (pic 2)

[pic cation: Adora can't read Catra's emotions, Adora realizes Catra is deeply angry. Outside SW’s chamber, Adora wants to take Catra’s hand.]

Adora loves Catra, but can't seem to get through to her: Catra is holding herself apart from Adora. Again, Catra pushes Adora's hand aside, frustrated. She expresses her exasperation at the situation, saying she's sick of what's going on. Adora follows along, confused. As Catra seemingly purposefully leaves her behind, Adora demands to know what Catra's problem is, saying that she was trying to save her. Catra looks down at her confrontationally, frustrated with Adora's lack of vision. "For the last time, I don't need you to save me. I've been doing just fine on my own. No thanks to you." Uh oh.

The words "no thanks to you" are especially cutting. Adora has totally failed to see the struggles Catra had all her life, she didn't understand the hurt and abuse Catra was fighting against. And so Catra did it all on her own, protecting herself and trying to remain strong. Her love of Adora might have helped her have hope, but fundamentally Catra overcame the abuse by not giving up on herself, believing she had worth, and not letting others tear her down.

Adora runs to Catra's side, taking her arm in one hand. Feeling her friend becoming increasingly distant from her, Adora tries authentically telling Catra her feelings, hoping to make her friend see her desire to help and understand her. Adora explains that she's sorry for leaving and that she did it because she couldn't stand the war the Horde has pursued. Her next words are telling: "but I never wanted to leave you". 'Want' is an important word in this series, and it comes up again in season 5 when Catra asks Adora "what do you want, Adora?”. By choosing to leave the Horde, Catra feels that Adora wanted that more than she wanted what they had together. Also, promises are not something you're supposed to break over a 'want'. And Adora so casually breaking their promises makes Catra think she doesn't matter to Adora. It's not the truth, but this belief still determines her reaction in this moment. Even though Adora dearly loves Catra, including at this point in the story, she hasn't shown it in a way that Catra can see as meaningful. As Adora finishes saying this, Catra looks back, feeling alone and unwanted, seemingly thinking 'but you did leave me, Adora.'

Adora tries to appeal to Catra to join the rebellion with her. Then she says "I know you're not a bad person, Catra. You don't belong with the Horde." Catra must be thinking 'Ok so at what point did you become the authority on whether someone is good or bad, Adora?' Adora has shown no interest in understanding Catra's position, she treated her as an enemy without fail since she left her, literally in every single case including at Princess Prom when Catra was trying so hard to romance her. And Catra doesn't accept Adora's naive black and white view of the world. Think about it: when Adora defects she begins treating all Horde with hostility, including her dearest friend, she judges them all and doesn’t even try to see them as the complicated people that they are. So when she suggests Catra doesn't belong with the Horde, Catra looks back at her, feeling totally isolated from Adora. Even though Adora's plea is earnest, Catra declines it.

>As the next memory begins, we see Adora now has both hands on Catra's arm, she's desperately trying to hold on to her bond with Catra and show her desire to fix things between them. Catra doesn't drop her wary demeanor at all, and Adora looks lost and anxious over this as a young Catra runs by.

The memory starts out full of childhood innocence as the two of them play together. When the girls see that the Black Garnet chamber is open, young Adora remarks "we're definitely not allowed in there." Young Catra looks at Adora, seemingly asking if she wants to go in, trusting her. Young Adora runs off, and Catra follows her in. Yes, Catra participates in the decision, but she's not the one who runs towards the chamber, and that's important to what happens next.

A worried (adult) Adora looks to her friend who seems so distant, stoic. Anxiously, Adora tells Catra "You don't have to go in there." Adora knows what happens next is very bad, that this is a hurtful memory for Catra. As an unwavering Catra begins to walk towards the chamber, Adora looks down at Catra's hand. [pic above] She wants desperately to reach out and take it, to hold Catra back from this terrible moment, to tell her she's sorry for messing up. Adora knows now that she screwed up, that she's let Catra down, somehow more than she ever realized. She doesn't know what to do about it… she follows Catra inside.

The young girls explore, Catra touches the black garnet and gets shocked. Adora has second thoughts, she realizes they're trespassing.. but of course, SW returns, so they try to hide. As SW takes off the mask, Adora cries out, taken aback... young Catra looks at her in dismay. She's about to pay for Adora's mistake with a lifetime of suffering. Offended, SW tells them to "Get out!" but rethinks. She puts the mask back on, and decides to use this moment to instead abuse the girls and use the crime of their trespass against them. As SW tells Catra to stay, Adora turns around, seeing that Catra is caught, and she's scared for her friend. She really did make a poor decision, and as a highly empathetic person, what happens to Catra scars Adora, too.

Held powerless by magic, Catra tries to explain that they were just playing. SW's words to her set the stage for a lifetime of physical and psychological abuse: SW leans over her menacingly, telling her "Insolent child, I've come to expect such disgraceful behavior from you, but I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well." Again, it's not Catra who decided to go in, so it's really not her fault. SW disparages her and heaps blame upon her for Adora's bad choice, ignoring the truth.

Adora weakly tries to protect Catra, saying "SW, it wasn't her fault. It was my idea too." It's an understandable response, as they're just little kids. Still, Adora could have taken the blame for their trespass, since she led Catra inside. But it's about to get a lot more hurtful for Catra...

SW's voice echoes through Catra's head as she trembles in terror: "You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me. I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. Do you understand ?" Catra trembles in fear, her eyes unfocused, the room empty but for SW menacing her. She's in a dissociative state, terrified and helpless. I think some people probably feel like this must have been a idle threat, but it isn't: SW abuses Catra many times after this for her mistakes. And the depiction of the dissociative state helps us understand just how damaging it was. While Adora seemingly goes on to not realize the importance of this memory, for Catra it is formative to her entire life.

Again, Adora tries weakly to stop what's happening, putting herself between them. She tells SW "please, stop" then looks over at Catra, full of concern. Running over to SW, she tells her "she didn't mean to". This is so hurtful, as young Catra is very smart. Catra knows Adora has blown it again, after all, what is it that she "didn't mean to" do when it was Adora's idea to trespass? Adora isn't getting the magnitude of the situation, and Catra is very much left to fend for herself.

SW then does a very insidious thing to Adora, a very directed abuse that's meant to work against her personality and empathetic reactions to others pain. She tells her "Adora, you must do a better job of keeping her under control. Do not let something like this happen again..." SW follows this up with years of manipulation to make Adora even more susceptible to abuse. But in this moment, SW again heaps the blame for Adora's mistake onto Catra, who did nothing wrong. For Catra, she comes to believe that what she did doesn't even matter, nobody cares what the truth was. Even Adora. But for Adora, the hurt goes deep as well. She made a bad decision, her friend gets hurt for it, and she never comes clean... instead, she's told she has to do a better job of controlling her friend, and that she has to be perfect so that it doesn't happen again. It's a deep and hurtful moment for Adora, just like it is for Catra. But the hurt is much less direct, and more sneaky. Nonetheless, Adora struggles with this moment, this abuse of her, in the most intimate and painful ways all throughout the series.

Young Catra watches on as SW completes her manipulation of Adora. For Catra, she's left with the feeling that nothing she does matters, she was blamed for something she didn't even do. And Adora seemingly took the easy out, spreading the blame. But she doesn't realize this moment is so insidious for Adora, that it attacks and manipulates her at her emotional need to help others. From this moment on, Adora is afflicted with a desperate fear that she can't protect others, and must lead perfectly so they don't get hurt. This internal conflict erodes Adora's self worth, and causes her great emotional pain throughout the series. Catra, instead, believes she is being told she has no worth, and isn't even allowed to make her own decisions. It's hurtful, and it's part of why she tensed so badly at Adora for trying to tell her what to do earlier. We see this realization cross young Catra's face: she feels forgotten in this moment.

We see the young girls walking away from SW's chamber, Adora with her hand around Catra's shoulder. This comfort is not enough... Catra really needed Adora to stand up for her there, to come clean, and she didn't. Trying to comfort her now seems hollow. As they flash to their present selves, Catra knocks Adora's arm aside in frustration, accusing her of needing to play the hero.

Adora responds, saying she was only trying to protect her. Catra's next words tell the real truth of their childhood: "You never protected me! Not in any way that would put you on SW's bad side!" Adora at first chafes at this statement, feeling like she did try to protect her, then crosses over to confusion at the strength of Catra's assertion. Catra is telling Adora she was blind to her pain. She wasn't there for her, and this is very much at the core of Catra's disappointment with Adora: the fact that she never stayed, never tried to understand. Adora let SW control her, make her ambitious, and so Catra was put to the side of that, and over time Adora grew apart from her. Catra’s exact words here are important: she says that Adora ‘plays’ at being the hero, yet always seemingly protected her status as the favorite, never standing up to SW and risking harm onto herself in order to save Catra from pain.

And so, the fact that out of seemingly out of nowhere, Adora decides to risk everything and defect in order to fight for people she doesn't even know, insults Catra. Adora abandons and consequently fights against her own people, leaving Catra behind, unilaterally treating her as an enemy. Never, in their whole lives, did Adora ever fight for Catra, only offering affection afterwards to make up for the cruelties that happened to Catra. So no, Catra doesn't want Adora to save her, or her sympathy, when she seemingly cared so little about her pain. Adora was no hero to her.

Now an obvious question might be: if the manipulation is that Adora is supposed to protect and control Catra, then shouldn't she have had to see SW abuse Catra for it to work? The first part of the answer is that it was never really about that, once the idea was put in Adora’s head, SW used it to manipulate her further into a mentality where Adora would accept praise, promotion on her path to becoming a force captain.

The other is that when someone is being hurt like Catra was in that moment... if the one person in the world who is supposed to get it doesn't get it... then it becomes very hard to ever bring it up to them again. It's a specific type of hurt and abandonment: for Catra, she goes on to believe that this is her burden, that somehow she alone is supposed to learn these hard lessons. And so she doesn't tell Adora about the abuse. Also, keep in mind that they are small children, and Catra doesn't want Adora to hurt like she does... so she's actually protecting her, in her mind. But the fact that time goes by and Adora never seemed to care, to stop and see Catra's pain, was very hurtful to her. And Catra’s feelings of betrayal at Adora’s not seeing the hurt are justified: in episode 1, we see Adora watch SW menace Catra, then happily run off to accept her promotion, only remembering to check on Catra as an afterthought. Catra needed Adora's support, and never really got it.

[pic caption: (left to right) Adora’s apparent willful ignorance of the abuse.]

So Catra believes she learns these hard lessons so Adora won't have to, but is left alone in her pain. This also means that SW specifically abused Catra at times and in places so Adora wouldn't be aware, which again, tells us it was never really about making Adora responsible for Catra's decisions. No, the reasons were much darker, and Catra bore it all alone.

The girls flash to their younger selves, and Catra accuses Adora: "Admit it, you love being her favorite." Catra is telling Adora that she was disappointed and hurt that Adora kept accepting praise and privilege from SW, after that moment when she so clearly should have seen how SW abused her, and the maliciousness of the death threat. In Catra’s mind, Adora could have rejected SW. As painful as it is for a small child to be without any parents, it would have been the right thing to do, for Catra. SW was no good to Catra, and they could have shared the pain of being orphans who only had each other, but instead Catra ended up bearing all of the abuse while Adora was given privilege.

Adora denies this assertion, and yet she did accept the privilege SW offered her. Catra's next words show how ignorant Adora was to the realities of their lives as they flash back to their present selves: "Oh yeah? When you left, who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then ?" Catra bore all the abuse and punishment for Adora's leaving, and Adora wasn't there to see it. Catra did this bravely for Adora, in fact, up until before Princesse Prom, Catra did everything she could to cover for Adora, just like she asked, protecting her, hoping she'd come back to her. But Adora shows no understanding at all for what Catra went through, she didn't even think about what must have been happening to her. Adora has never taken the time to think about how her actions affect Catra's life.

Adora counters, suggesting that Catra could leave the Horde, and therefore get away from SW's abuse. Catra just glares back at her, disappointed. Catra knows running from the abuse won't solve anything.

::What this comes down to is a totally different understanding of the world. For Adora, she thinks she became a hero for leaving the Horde, and becoming She-ra. She doesn't realize she was lucky to fall into the situation she did, with Bow and Glimmer helping her gain acceptance and protecting her. She's totally unaware that the reality that her becoming She-ra is a manipulation born out of evil intent. For Catra, she's always known that the world is harsh, and that bad people exist who will try to destroy you. She's not afraid to fight, she's had no choice learning these harsh truths. It's a jaded view that negatively affects her perceptions of people, but it prepares her for the worst, and so she relies on it. So when Adora suggests she run from it, she rejects her as naive. They flash back to their younger selves after Adora suggests Catra can leave like she did, and Catra accusingly points out that she doesn't need to follow Adora around. That they're children is relevant to the previous memory where Adora led Catra into danger, and then didn't protect her. Catra isn't interested in following Adora blindly after she's put her in danger so badly in the past.

Flashing back present selves, Catra tells Adora she doesn't want to leave. As she says this her face conveys her anger at the world, her drive to face SW instead of flee. She says "I'm not afraid of SW anymore, and I'm a better force captain than you ever would have been." Let's take this in parts: Catra won't run from her abuser, she's already planning to take her down. Doing so is important to Catra, as it fixes her world in an important way. And that Adora can't see this just shows how far apart they are now. In Catra's mind, Adora was supposed to stay, and as they rose to power together, they would have supplanted SW, fixing Catra's world. The two of them would have been stronger in the end. But Adora did leave, so Catra impatiently tries to get Adora to see that she won't just run away. If Adora doesn't want to help Catra overcome this evil, then she'll do it on her own.

Her disappointment in Adora for abandoning this fight is apparent, what comes to mind is when Catra calls Adora weak in the Sea Gate episode. And now Catra knows she's got the power to do this, she's a force captain, and if she can just find a reason to depose SW she knows she has the station and fighting ability to take her down. She always knew she could lead, but was happy to let Adora have success because she really didn't want that responsibility. So she points out her superiority, not to show that she's better than Adora, but to tell Adora she was blind to Catra's worth, and to be hurtful to Adora for abandoning her.

They flash back to their child selves: Adora looks at Catra, hurt and confused "You always said you didn't care about things like that." Adora is feeling hurt by the idea that she was unknowingly taking advantage of Catra, because Catra has seemily just told her she was lying.

Now, this next part is important, and it's important that we are seeing Catra's reaction as her child self: Catra looks sad and lonely as Adora finishes her question, and she's crying. Something adult Catra would never let herself do. So we're seeing a much more authentic expression of Catra's hurt and emotions than if it were her present self. What you need to understand here is that those emotions don't really match her words... Catra tells her "Well I was lying, obviously!" But her face says she's angry and hurt at Adora for not seeing her pain.

As she delivers those words her face is full of accusation and insult, she's being dramatic, something we will see Catra do time and time again. She stares down Adora, eyes scrunched up, showing Adora how betrayed she felt by her insensitivity. Then we get sadness, disappointment. Finally, we get a lonely kind of furious sorrow: all that time feeling alone and Adora didn't bother to understand is written on her face.

The tears are still flowing, but as she turns away they shift back to their present selves. Adult Catra looks totally alone, heartbroken.

Ok but how we REALLY know Catra isn't telling the truth is this: almost word for word, this moment exists in episode 1. ANY time you see that happen in this show, you need to look back to find the meaning of it.

>We will need to look in totality of this scene in episode 1: An excited Catra pounces on Adora, asking her what SW said. She sees the badge and takes it. Here's a funny thing, because we see Catra jump on Adora you might think Catra is always like this, she just comes into Adora's space as she pleases. But once Catra has the badge, we see no anger or jealousy. Just total wonder. She shows nothing but exuberation and happiness for Adora's promotion (pic 1, lower left fyi).

Catra knew this could be the turning point she's been waiting for, that Adora was due for promotion. And so she's jumping all over Adora, full of joy. We only see her attitude change once Adora tells her SW isn't letting her go on missions. And so, we can infer a lot of information from this...

Catra expected this moment to change their lives for the better. That Adora's rising in rank means freedom, the beginning of something new. Some many new things, in Catra's case. But Catra definitively shows us in this scene that she doesn't desire the success for herself. She only shows happiness for Adora, for them together, and she's ecstatic. (pic 1, fyi)

This, in Catra's mind, probably means the start of their romantic lives. If Adora is the force captain that brings them to victory, SW won't be able to just trample all over their lives. Catra can begin letting down some walls, maybe even let Adora pursue her romantically. If they're together, and Adora is on her side because of that, she becomes safe from her abuser. It's a much better outcome than trying to fight SW, but that's not how the story goes. No, Adora leaves her instead. How's that for emotional whiplash? All of these truths are laid bare in s3ep5, when we see Catra's perfect reality, when she and Adora are together romantically. Catra only wants to be safe and to be loved, but when Adora leaves her she loses trust in the goodness of Adora, and in people in general.

> Adora tells Catra she shouldn't be surprised she's been cut of of the mission because she's so rude to SW, to which Catra responds by calling Adora a people pleaser, then storming off in anger...

::Note, as this is important: Adora is taking SW’s side, and not Catra’s, which is entirely opposite of their early childhood memory of Octavia. It shows how Adora had started listening to the negative judgements others placed on Catra...

>Adora goes after Catra, finding her sulking on the roof. Catra is angry, betrayed by the world, at the injustice that SW is in her life. Adora asks "I didn't even think you wanted to be a force captain?" Catra tossed the badge at her, saying she doesn't. Then she folds her body up, holding herself. Adora sees this, but doesn't touch her. She's being careful to respect Catra's boundaries. But the anger Catra feels here isn't about being denied the chance to be a force captain, it's at all the hurt that SW has dealt her and continues to do so. And Adora doesn't see that, which disappoints Catra. But, she's unable to verbalize it herself, she is too insecure in her emotional vulnerability, so she lets it slide.

What we have here is two different instances of the same question with two different answers, but in both cases Catra is telling the truth. In episode 1, it's the truth that she doesn't care about being a force captain because of her love for Adora, and the promise, in her mind, that they will eventually be together. In episode 11, Catra then says she lied, and this now is also true: Catra did think about what she was going through, all the pain and sacrifices she made for Adora, which were done in the name of love. But Adora doesn't love her the way that Catra loves Adora, instead leaving her behind. And so now that Adora didn't ever see how excellent a person Catra actually was, how dedicated to her she is, and the pain she was willing to bear for her sake, it does matter. Because that's shitty of her, and so now Catra will survive on her own by her own excellence, her strength that Adora never stopped to see. So Catra is guilting Adora, trying to make her see how blind and unfeeling she is.

>Back to ep11: Catra tries to walk away from Adora, who desperately chases her, trying to understand why Catra is becoming so distant, wanting her to tell her what's wrong. She reaches out for Catra's shoulder in one last attempt to get Catra to talk, she knows touching Catra could maybe get her to be more open. But the truth is Adora has been far too easy on Catra, she needs to be more forceful if she wants Catra to talk, which she later comes to understand... she's been coddling Catra, and so Catra is allowed to wallow in her unhealthy mental states.

Catra takes Adora's hand, forcefully holding it away from her and delivering a hurtful line: "Why do you think I gave the sword back to you in the fright zone? I didn't WANT you to come back, Adora!" This hits Adora like a load of bricks, her dismay is evident. And it's all true, which is the sad part. Catra was already preparing to cut ties with Adora, as even by that point she had come to a realization, a decision: if Adora doesn't want to be with her, then she'll do it herself. She will do the hard things on her own.

She turns away from Adora, looking hurt and betrayed. And Adora is at a complete loss, she doesn't know this side of Catra, this part of her that has survived hardship all these years... she lets her leave, not knowing what to do.

Adora is then attacked by the security, which takes up her time. As that happens, we see memories only shown to Catra. Catra runs, emotionally overwhelmed as all the unfair judgements, the abuse, and hollow apologies ring out around her. All the years of frustration and sadness weigh on her, she tries to keep it together, lashing out at the holograms. She falls to her knees, fighting back emotion and trying not to cry, her inner, vulnerable self is near the surface, and she's trying not to break down in tears over all of the hurt she's had to bear...

… and then she hears soft crying...

She turns to see her younger, tiny self, crying. Then, a tiny Adora joins the tiny Catra. Unlike the other memories, Catra never flashes into her younger self, she just watches...

The tiny Adora pulls the blanket down, Catra hisses at her... Adora sits down next to her tenderly. And we finally get the promise, the two parts that Adora has so tragically broke...

Adora tells her "It doesn't matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you... nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other." The tiny Catra looks at Adora, wanting to trust her, to believe in her. As she says the question, present Catra echos it: "You promise ?" This was a sacred moment that gave Catra hope as a young orphan, that maybe she would be ok.

And so, the present Catra echoes it. Adora tells her she promises, as the skeptical present Catra looks on. Tiny Catra is still sad, insecure... she hugs Adora, needing this. Adora suggests they go back out to play... and we see tiny Catra look at her, still afraid, reluctant, wanting to stay. But she decides to trust Adora, and so they walk out, holding hands. Then something unique happens. Tiny Catra stops to look up at her present self: note, this is entirely a unique moment in the simulation, it never happened in reality... and yet Catra is given this moment...

The innocent child stares up Catra, making her see her. It's a look full of meaning, it doesn't carry any specific emotion... only innocence. Catra is having an inner child moment. That most deep and innocent part of her, her vulnerable self who feels love, is communicating with her. It's asking her to see it's vulnerability, and it's pain. Catra sees this, all of the pain Adora has caused her, the breaking of the promise, the promise that this innocent part of her was holding on to desperately with hope. She is forced to acknowledge Adora's disloyalty to her, her carelessness. Catra is reflecting on how she did her absolute best to keep that promise, even after Adora failed to look out for her in SW's chamber. Catra was so loyal and so good to Adora all of their lives; she made sure Adora had a good life, and she played by SW's rules so Adora could be the chosen one, wanting to protect her. All in the hope that they would be together, and that their love was real. But Adora couldn't even do that much, she left her. And Adora doesn't understand her, she doesn't even seem to miss her.

[pic 9: Broken Promises, Catra’s inner child, The Hero goes Her Own Way].

Present Catra watches her tiny self leave, coming to the tough realization: that she's never been able to trust Adora, not really. Her love isn't reciprocated, not by her standards.

…. which makes Adora a deeply unsafe person to Catra...

Catra survived SW's abuse, learning to believe in herself, protect herself because no one else would. All while keeping this hope of love in her heart, this vulnerable core of herself that has tenderness and loves Adora, and needs love back. But, her need for love goes to such a deep vulnerability that giving in to it and then again being rejected or forgotten by Adora would simply destroy her. SW held the threat of death over Catra’s head her entire life, and Catra resisted it, got through it by being tough and trusting in herself. So now she sees she can't trust Adora: everything that happened since she left her behind, the fact that Adora always treats her as an enemy, that she seems to show no lingering desire for her, and doesn't even seem to miss her while replacing her with new friends, seems to confirm her worst fears. Fears that have been building over the years, starting when Adora broke their promise in SW's chamber, and then as Adora pursued her success while accepting praise and privilege from SW, ignoring the abuse Catra bore because of it. She decides she can't trust Adora. Love is a lie, a weakness. A weakness that could destroy her last bit of individuality, and belief in the world.

And so, Catra, The Survivor, makes the decision... in her mind it's the brave one, just like way back when and she decided to bravely stand up to SW's abuse and not let it destroy her: she will stand up to the threat that is the weakness of her love for Adora. Adora is selfish, she doesn't deserve Catra's love. She was stupid to believe that love was even possible, for someone like her… who has always been ignored, and told she is unworthy of praise or even existence. There's only one thing left for her to do: she will be alone, strong on her own, for herself.

Her gaze hardens... that part of her that has made sure she survived SW's abuse, and made sure she won fights when she was threatened, is now the decider. It will protect her from her vulnerability, and reject Adora for her. I suppose you might be confused as to what I'm referring, or maybe not... If you haven't had to fight for your life, whether physically, mentally, or otherwise, you might not know this side of yourself well. But we all have it, it's The Survivor. And while I knew mine would protect me, I didn't accept it as my real self, I didn't accept its necessary but vicious deeds as my own. This is very much how Catra is, and as the series goes on she puts this survivor in charge of more and more decisions, we watch her deteriorate as this part of her gets out of control, protecting her from darkness with more darkness. All the while her vulnerable inner self suffers, watching the horrible deeds and becoming more and more alone, desperate for affection.

>Adora is outnumbered, eventually ending up hanging from the cliff's edge by spider webs. She hears Catra return, dealing with the spiders. Adora looks up, hopeful because Catra has returned...

Catra saunters in. Let me say a few things before we go through this part: Catra is about to say a lot of things that aren't really true. They are instead meant to be hurtful to Adora, Catra is being intentionally mean. We shouldn't take her exact words as her authentic beliefs, because they're not... no, Catra is doing what she believes she has to so she can be apart for Adora, and be safe from her. The truth is, Catra needs to be away from Adora. She's too scared of the vulnerability that is her love for Adora, because Adora hasn't shown her that she cares. And she can't do that by defecting, no, she must stay with the Horde. It's the only thing she feels there is left for her to do.

Now, let's go through this: and heads up: I'm getting at something very powerful that's going on here that you may not have realized. This speech is, in fact, a heroic moment. A heroic moment... for Catra. Not Adora, for Catra. And you just need to open your ears to hear it...

"Hey Adora."

🎶 is sad

"Catra! Help me, please!"

"This thing wouldn't work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you... then again, you're special... that's what Shadow Weaver always said..."

🎶 is melancholy

"Catra, what are you doing??"

"Ah, ya know, it all makes sense now... you've always been the one holding me back... you wanted me to think I needed you, you wanted me to feel weak."

🎶 has even tone

"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?"

"Catra that's not how it was.."

🎶 rises, falls, sad (“Promise” begins playing)

*Catra chuckles* "The sad thing is I've spent all this time hoping you'd come back to the Horde... when really you leaving was the best thing that EVER happened to me..."

🎶 lowers, is dark, is dramatic. -Note: we see Catra seemingly become deranged as she says this line. This is Catra deceiving herself out of perceived necessity.

"I am so much stronger than anyone... ever... thought." *she cuts part of the web*

🎶 begins to rise, uplifting

"I wonder what I could have been if I'd gotten rid of you sooner." *she cuts the rest of the web, Adora falls, catching herself*

🎶 rises, is dramatic

"I'm sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best. Please, don't do this."

🎶 is still rising, uplifting

*Catra stands proudly, nobly, looking at the sword. She looks down at Adora, then she casually tosses the sword past her...

🎶 is rising, hopeful, heroic.

"Bye Adora, I really am going to miss you..."

🎶 is heroic, violins now playing, adding depth

*Catra turns and walks away from Adora, proudly*

🎶 has risen to its height, crests, is heroic.

"Catra... Catra, no!!"

🎶 remains high, cresting, heroic

*Adora cries, sad, confused by Catra's leaving her...*

🎶 crests again, fades out...

Ok, so... let's talk about what just happened here. The undeniable conclusion is that this was meant to be a heroic moment, and a damn heroic moment... for Catra. The writers are telling us that Catra leaving is an important part of her hero’s journey, and that it was the right thing to do. You might be wondering, how can that be? The short answer is, Catra is on a hero’s journey unlike all the other hero’s journeys normally portrayed in fiction. All of it, even her darkest deeds, all her cruelty towards Adora, will be part of a very... important... and powerful... journey. One which will forge her into a hero in this series, in her own incredible right... how this is, what she is, is yet to be revealed... but make no mistake, she's a hero. Just not the one you expect…

We see Adora open her eyes, and see Light Hope. She tells Adora to let go. She means of her emotional attachments, as we find out. Adora cries for her lost Catra, that she couldn't bring her back to her. She lets go...

BIG ASSERTION TIME: Now, I know it's a common theory that these memories were all just an elaborate manipulation by Light Hope to divide the girls from each other, but I don't agree with that. No, I believe this was a memory journey guided by Catra, subconsciously, to help her tell Adora why she couldn't come with her, why she has to be apart.

Take for instance the memories and visions that Adora sees when she's on her way to the Heart of Etheria in season 5: this system exists apart from Light Hope, who dies at the end for season 4. This simulation comes from somewhere more primal: in my belief, it is the deep magic of Etheria being visualized through the First One's tech. We see the simulation show Catra the promise memory, something Adora isn't shown at all, and then allows her to see her inner child's hurt. Something deeper is going on here, and you should consider how strongly the magic of Etheria is resonating with Catra when it does. Because the magic of Etheria will again speak directly to Catra, this isn't the last time... In short, the magic helps the two of them to understand each other, because Catra is an important part of Adora's true She-ra journey.

I also believe that a theme of this series is that abusers, like L. Hope, are not perfect vindictive manipulators. They are flawed, and L. Hope in particular, I believe, is no genius: she fails time and time again. That L. Hope uses the moment to get Adora to let go is her using the moment to her advantage, she didn't play ultimate control over it. She just piggy backed on Catra's hurt to do it. So that last memory really was for Catra... Furthermore, I simply cannot believe L.Hope would understand the concept of the inner child… as she can't even understand sarcasm.

But now, because of this, Adora now knows of Catra's pain... and this is the beginning of Adora's long journey back to Catra, of her repairing their bond…

Let's address the obvious counterpoint: Adora now knows that Catra is hurt, but she doesn't yet understand why. And it's not really her fault, as Catra doesn't know how to talk about her feelings, among other things. But it's apparent that Adora doesn't remember these crucial memories as well as Catra does, even though they were critical in her development as well. Adora is a mess of emotions, just like Catra, and (if) she has ADHD, it might be one reason why she doesn't really get Catra. Especially if her parental figure has been manipulating it against her. Adora very much vibrates between stimuli anxiously, so SW might have made her forgetful by distraction over time. Also, the way in which Adora treats Catra as an enemy when she doesn't accept Adora’s (totally rushed, afterthought, and hollow) ultimatum that she defect with her, is a reflection of Adora's ingrained Horde war training… this is something she has to unlearn, as it is wrong. But Adora is a good person, she really, truely, is, because Adora never stops trying to make it better. And so, she slowly, but surely, comes to understand Catra’s trauma.

We get one last scene of Catra returning to the fright zone. We get to see Catra's truth here: She walks, as if she's not even there, she's deadened by the sorrow and the inevitability of what her life will now be: one of hard work, and zero joy. She will try her best to stand on her own, and put Adora out of her heart, slamming its doors shut against love. It doesn't work, but that's what she's trying to do, nonetheless. This is the beginning of a profound depression that builds over the next 3 seasons, and combined with new traumas, nearly takes her life.

But the tech Catra has brought back will end up giving her what she needs to face down and depose SW, just like she needed...

::Here is another complicated twist that's so essential to She-ra as a series: Catra, in fact, protects Adora by taking down SW. Catra may go on to command the Hordes forces so effectively that it pushes the Princess alliance harder than it's ever been pushed before, but her deposing SW is extremely important in the story. She both removes SW’s ability to attack Adora, and then denies her any sorcerous power by taking the Black Garnet from her, since SW needs an external source to draw power from in order to use her vampiric powers...

Ok so more theory time: it's a common belief that Catra stays with the Horde, and goes on to try to conquer the world out of some deep need to externally validate herself, and to prove she was the better child by beating Adora. I don't think any of these explanations are true. Catra may go on to play such a character on a surface level, but every time she professes to have any such ambitions, she is either in the presence of Adora, or under incredible stress. In the one case, she's saying those things to try to hurt Adora, and make her see how naive and foolish Adora always was, especially now that Adora thinks she can fight against her.

In the other case, it's actually her survivor mechanism trying to take over, to make her world safe. In every case where Catra says something about ambition, somewhere in that scene, Catra shows the distinct emotions of her true inner self: generally, these emotions are sorrow, fear, and loneliness. They don't exist on screen long, they are what is known as micro expressions. (See below for a short discussion of Catra’s micro expressions.)

To put it simply, the only reason Catra stays with the Horde is so she has somewhere she can be separate from her feelings and heartbreak over Adora, and then she climbs the ranks in order to find safety, first from SW, and then Hordak, once he threatens her life with his temper tantrums. That she fights against Adora is just a collateral consequence, she isn't out to get Adora, but nor does she care if Adora gets hurt, because she’s hurt her. Catra does fight against the princesses, though (including She-ra).

A core feature of Catra's character is indeed one of personal power. She's a person who is told to hurry up and die at an early age, but refused to do so. So her arc, her issue, isn't a cautionary tale about chasing validation, it's about her overcoming her fear of vulnerability and allowing herself to rely on others in a way that lets her be safe without needing to combat the darkness with more darkness. But vulnerability scares her because of the abuse she experienced.

As for validation, the only person she would want that from is Adora. This is because Catra believes in herself already: that she has a sacred right to exist, no matter what SW and others may tell her (note: Adora struggles with this, she's actually the one who seeks validation). But, she also needs love, and she is too fearful that Adora doesn't really love her and is afraid of being hurt by that. It's also why I think she's so chaotic towards Adora: her inner child tells her adult self to protect her from her love for Adora, which it tries to do, but that same child misses and needs Adora in so many ways. So she's trying to be mean to compensate for the incredible desire she feels towards Adora. I love it when Adora calls her a brat in season 5, it's such a well deserved line, mmhhmmm.

Actual discussions of how these particulars play out in the show are better left for another time, but there you have it.

Promise sidebar discussions: Catra’s micro expressions; Catra nearly dies at the Battle of Bright Moon

“White Out” microexpression discussion: [see pics below] This is the first time since the Battle of Bright Moon that Catra and Adora meet. So it's a good time to talk about Catra’s micro expressions. Picture 1: Adora says “Hey, Catra” out of the blue and Catra is completely blindsided, she figured she wouldn't be bothered out in the middle of nowhere. She's anxious and unhappy to be seeing Adora. Along with her suspicious absence the episode before in “Roll With It”, the answer is obvious: Catra has been avoiding Adora. She may have cut ties with her in “Promise”, nearly bested her at the Battle of BM, but she doesn't want to see her. She doesn't know what she feels about her.

Picture 2: Enraged monsters are decimating the base, and a battle breaks out over the corrupted disc. Catra is desperately trying to protect it, because she can control Adora if she has it... and she needs this chance to have her back. As Catra reaches to pick it up, she's facing away from everyone and so no one can see her desperation and sadness from missing Adora. (pic 2) Shortly after, we also see her clutch the disc desperately to her chest in a way that's very endearing, right before the monster attacks her and makes her drop it. Then, as she's about to die in its jaws because she doesn't want to give Adora up again, Scorpia breaks the disc and saves her life. We see in this episode as Catra completely loses track of her emotions, and now realizes she has to come to terms with the fact that she's so desperately sad from missing Adora, she was willing to die just for a chance to have her back.

Pic 3: Catra hates working for the Horde. She HATES it. She gets zero joy from the job, and she’s already figured out that Hordak will kill her if she screws up too badly. She didn't want this job, plain and simple, but now feels stuck with it. None of this is the life she wanted. Combining this knowledge against Catra’s declaration to Adora at the end of Promise, we know she's not happy that she had to go her own way...

Catra’s near death experience at the Battle of Bright Moon

At the Battle of Bright Moon, Catra leads Adora (She-ra) away. They battle, but then Catra retreats and instead starts listing out every single worst fear of failure she thinks Adora has. It's a dark moment, she's acting much like SW did to them as children, and we watch her manipulation take root in Adora. Finally, her words are too much, and as Catra looks down at Adora's (She-ra's) back, we see Adora become deranged, overcome with her fear of failing everyone... (pic1, above) she picks up a boulder and throws it directly at Catra. Catra is knocked flying, and only by the barest of margins does she keep from falling to her death. Adora nearly kills Catra. And so, as Adora drags Catra up from the cliff and slams her into the wall, we see a totally heartbroken and emotionally crushed Catra. In this moment, Catra believes all of her worst fears are confirmed: Adora only cares about being She-ra, so much so that Adora would kill her in the name of being that hero. Catra uses this moment, this belief, to justify her division from Adora. Sadly, she's wrong... she's ignoring the seriousness of the threat that the battle poses, and as Adora was facing away from her during that moment, she doesn't see the terror and desperation Adora experiences due to her cruel words…

Oh, and one more thing before we go: when Catra says “What, did you really think this was about you ?” SPOILER ALERT: It was. Because She-ra is one big Catradora story… and we love it.

As always, thanks for reading. <3

~EtheriaDearie

P.S. :: as I am new to tumblr, if you enjoyed reading this, please consider giving me a reblogg! Thanks!! 🙇💛

#she ra #spop #she ra and the princesses of power #catradora #happy birthday Catra #catra #she ra shadow weaver #shadow weaver #adora #my writing #thanks for reading #she ra synopsis #she ra fan theory #she ra meta

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extraintrovertedalien · 3 years

Text

Brave face, talk so lightly(hide the truth)

'All my life, I've just wanted to make things easier for them.'

Au August

Day/Prompt: Day 26 - Soulmate

Ship: Prinxiety, brief logicality, creativitwins

Word count: 3k (I'm so sorry I got carried away)

Cw: swearing / brief murder mention / implied death / crying / nightmares(?) / anxiety mention / caps / claustrophobia(?)

A/N: the prompt is your dreams are your soulmate's memories. The title is from the song "Sick of losing soulmates" by dodie. I wrote the first 1/4 of this a few days ago and the rest in one sitting and I couldn't care less about proofreading it so Im so sorry if there are any mistakes ;-;

@tsshipmonth2020

I see a girl in the distance. She has her back turned. Long chocolate-colored hair tied in a low messy bun. My hand is reaching out to her. I feel this sudden longing to be held by this woman. Craving her caring and loving words. Telling me that everything is going to be alright.

Wait. Why is she getting farther away?

She looks back at me with a sad smile. Everything gets dark. I let my eyes stray from her to look around. When was I in a hospital corridor?

"I'm sorry, Pumpkin. You're gonna have to continue our adventure without me. But, fear not, Little one. I'll always be there by you. You just gotta learn to know where I am,"

She caresses my cheek, giving me the warmest smile I have ever received.

She's gone, suddenly. I touch my cheek, still feeling the ghost of her warm touch. Along with… something wet? Am- Am I crying?

"Roman!"

I don't move. I feel stuck. But, also free, somehow. Just unsure of what to do, I guess?

"Roman! Wake up. You idiot!

"Roman!

"Oh, thank all things unholy! I thought someone was in our room, trying to murder us! You were crying, and- and whispering stuff! And it's creeping me the fuck out! And I'm not easily creeped out, you know that" Remus exclaimed as he sat on Roman's chest, grabbing his twin’s shoulders.

"Man, you're soulmate must have some twisted memories," He continued, getting off of Roman and returning to his own bed across the room.

'Yeah. Twisted…' Roman thought.

~*~*~

"You okay there, Sweetie?" Roman heard from where his head was buried on the kitchen counter. "Yeah... Just thinking about my soulmate again," he admitted.

"Another bad dream?" His mom inquired as she sat next to Roman, patting his back. "It's not just that. It's about the move. Like, we're never really sure which of our memories they see, right? But, they've seen all my memories from this place. Like, they know where I've been my entire life…" he trailed off.

"I'm just not sure how they would feel seeing a whole new different place… They don't seem to be in a place to experience a big change right now. All my life, I've just wanted to make things easier for them. And, yeah, my dreams don't really change that much. But, I make an effort, y'know?" Roman looked up at his mom to seek at least some kind of reassurance.

"I understand what you mean, and I think that what you're doing is great. And I know that you're gonna be the bestest thing that's ever gonna happen to them. But, I'm really sorry. We don't really have any choice with this move. I know your soulmate is in a dark place right now, but you can't always do everything for them. You're also your own person," His mom hugged him.

Roman felt like he was hopeless in this situation. And, he was always hoping for the best. For his soulmate or otherwise. Maybe his mom was right about putting himself first sometimes.

~*~*~

Virgil was in his first period when someone he didn't expect to walk into his classroom… walks into his classroom… They were wearing an army green shirt, a denim jacket with neon green highlights and spikes at the bottom, ripped jeans, and platform boots with more spikes and vulgar words written on them. To say that this man was familiar was an understatement. He KNEW this man's entire life THROUGH his dreams.

Virgil felt like he was trespassing someone's life. Like, he wasn't supposed to know the man. And that, they shouldn't be in any way related. Especially to their sibling.

He wasn't really ecstatic about meeting his soulmate. IN SCHOOL NO LESS. It wasn't really an ideal 'meet-your-soulmate' place for someone like Virgil.

"Alright, students, I'm sure you've all noticed that we have a new student right here. Now, why don't you go and introduce yourself, Mister," their teacher said to the denim jacket guy.

"Umm. Sup? I'm Remus Duke Kingsley. Nice to meet you all. And, if you see a guy that looks like me but without the mustache and wears red all the time, he’s always loud, you can’t miss him. That's my twin brother, Roman. The boring one," Remus says, yawning by the end of his introduction.

'HOLY FUCK, TWINS?!' Virgil thought. Fortunately(or unfortunately, depending on which part of Virgil's brain you're asking), Remus already gave him a vague description of who to look out for.

~*~*~

Virgil continues his day and falls into his daily routine, which mostly includes attempting to avoid being perceived by anyone. It usually succeeds if you exclude his friend, Patton, from ‘anyone.’ He only hopes that his soulmate also sees Patton in their dreams cuz, to be honest, Patton is the ray of sunshine everyone needs. Yeah, he was also friends with Logan, but he’s more like a moon if you ask him.

Virgil goes into the cafeteria and sits at their usual table, his back facing the entire cafeteria. He takes out a paper bag from his bag and grabs the sandwich he bought earlier, not waiting for his friends.

A few moments pass before Logan and Patton reach his table. “Hey, kiddo! You alright?” Patton says as he sits down. Virgil just gives them a nod and continues to eat. “I heard this morning that there were new students,” Logan inquires before Patton interrupts “Oh yeah! They’re twins! I have first period with one of them. He’s really nice. Oh! Hey! Roman! Over here!” Patton shouts and waves his arm toward a student that just entered the cafeteria. “Hope you guys don’t mind that I invited him over to sit with us,” He continues and flashes both Virgil and Logan a smile no one could say no to.

“Hey, Patton.” The guy says to Patton. “Hope you guys don’t mind me crashing your table. I’m Roman by the way,” Roman says to the other two. “Pleasure to meet you, Roman. I’m Logan. And, no, we wouldn’t mind at all,” Logan answered him back. Roman looked over to Virgil who just nodded and said his name. Roman then proceeded to sit next to Virgil but not paying him any mind.

And, though Virgil seemed to be calm about the situation, his mind is currently in flames having his anxiety and his gay panic fight over each other. Virgil is currently waiting for who would win, that's why he seems so calm on the outside. After finishing his sandwich, he was trying to think of something he could do to keep himself from leaving and be noticed. He looked over to Logan, attentively listening to Patton talking about the dog he saw this morning. Roman was silently eating his lunch, also listening to Patton, but looking around the cafeteria every once in a while.

It seems that Virgil’s anxiety won the fight because he decided that he doesn’t want to stick around with his friends and his apparent soulmate without doing anything. So, he stands up and excuses himself from the group. "Hey! Wait!" Roman calls after him. Virgil stops a few feet from the table to look back at Roman who was already jogging towards him.

"Virgil, right?" He assures.

Virgil nods. "Ok, there’s just something I wanna ask you. Are those two soulmates?" Roman throws his thumb back, pointing at the two left at the table. "Cuz, as much as how adorable they look together, I kinda don't want to be stuck as a third wheel," he continues.

"Oh. Yeah, those two are soulmates. Sometimes, I wonder if they ever do notice me every time I leave the table," Virgil elaborates, looking back at his friends with a slight smile.

"Umm. Class doesn't start for a few more minutes. I was wondering if I could join you for a while? Wherever you were going…" Roman trailed off, realizing he didn't know where the shorter male was headed.

"Uhh. Yeah, sure. I was just headed to the courtyard to pass the time,"

'Shit. Virgil, why are you doing this?! Why did you agree?! You have anxiety!' Virgil mentally scolded himself.

"Ok. Cool. I'll just go get my stuff," Roman flashed Virgil a smile before heading back to the table.

'Fuck. I am so screwed,' Virgil thought.

~*~*~

"So, what's the deal with those two? I mean, how did they deal with the soulmates thing?" Roman finally spoke a few moments after they found a bench to settle on. "Uhh, well. Logan is my childhood friend and the first day we started high school here, they both had a dream of roll call the other had that day, I guess? They both heard each other's name and boom. You got your glasses gays," Virgil discussed, reminiscing the events that happened that day.

Roman let out a chuckle at Virgil's last words, causing the other's heart to skip a beat. They remain silent for a while, watching the other students passing by.

"What about you?" Roman spoke up.

"What about me?" Virgil glances back.

"I mean, what about you? Have you met your soulmate? Do you know who they are? You just seem like an interesting individual to me, having to stick around knowing you're third-wheeling all the time yet valuing your time with them and your time with yourself all the same. Well, either that or I'm just embarrassed that I think you're uncomfortable with me here…" Roman rambled, rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassed.

Virgil chuckled, "Nah. I just get anxious when meeting new people. Plus, I think you're a pretty nice guy." They smiled at each other, Virgil feeling his face heat up, and looks away immediately. "And, about the soulmate thing. I think I have a clue of who they might be, I just…" he trailed off.

"What's holding you back?" Roman muttered, lowering his head, attempting to catch the other's eye. "I… I just think that my memories aren't that… for them. They're just this amazing and joyful person… I just don't think they deserve to see my bland memories every night,"

The pair fell silent, Roman feeling sympathy for the other. Virgil felt Roman shift in his seat before speaking up, "I don't think anyone's memories are ever bland."

Virgil looks up at Roman who has a far-off look with a slight smile on his lips. "I think that our dreams are what shows us what we're missing in life. What our soulmate has that we need and what we have that they need. You know, what makes you both feel complete when you're with each other," Roman smiled.

Virgil pondered on the other's statement for a while. "Is that... Is that how you feel when you're with your soulmate?" He said, being careful with his words. Roman sighed but remained smiling, "I haven't met them yet. But, what you said earlier reminded me of them. I always think they're a little different. My moms said that dreams are supposed to show my soulmate's memories. But, no one is ever sure which ones we see. Well, my dreams always have one thing in common… There's darkness every time…" Roman trailed off, looking more sad as he continued.

"Sometimes, they walk out of their house and, suddenly, everything goes dark and I see pairs of eyes staring at me as I walk. Or sometimes, they lie in bed and, suddenly, it's dark again and I'm stuck inside a box too small for me. But, there’s always this one dream that always repeats itself. Though, I'm not sure my soulmate's gonna be comfortable with me sharing," Roman finally snaps out of his trance and looks up at Virgil, looking embarrassed.

At this point, Virgil is now entirely sure that the person in front of him is his soulmate. He feels tears cloud his eyes so he looks away to play off wiping them away before looking back at Roman with pity in his expression. This is exactly what Virgil was afraid of, having his soulmate also experience the darkness that clouds him every day he wakes up.

"Wow… They- I- I don't know what to say… What are you gonna do when you meet them?" Virgil glances at Roman, pity still in his eyes. Roman let out a sigh but smiled, "I'm gonna give them the biggest hug they've ever received and reassure them that I'm always gonna be with them and that they'll never have to feel alone all the time ever again." Roman looked at Virgil with a smile. But, before he could notice the tear that fell from the other's eye, a loud shrill of their school bell rang throughout the courtyard, signaling the start of their next class.

"Talk about first impressions," Roman said with a chuckle, standing up. "Well, see you around, Virgil. I got a few more 'Hi, I'm Roman' to do," he continued, leaving Virgil on the bench.

~*~*~

I hear my converse squeak as I walk through the hallway. There are people around me, but they're all just silhouettes of the same familiar darkness. I'm walking to what seems to be the cafeteria. I sit down and grab my lunch from my bag. A few minutes pass, two figures sit in front of me. There's something familiar about them despite being two black silhouettes.

"Hey, kiddo! You alright?"

Patton?

"I heard there were new students," Logan?

Wait. Am I…

"Oh yeah! They're twins!"

Oh.

"I have first period with one of them. He's really nice. Oh! Hey! Roman! Over here!"

Before I could look over to… me…

Darkness. Again.

I hear muffled voices. Too muffled to be recognized.

I stay in darkness for what felt like hours before I get surrounded by light.

Too bright.

There's a silhouette in front of me. It doesn't have any facial features but I can feel it stare at me. Slowly, the light around me doesn't feel too bright anymore. It feels… warm and comforting. Similar to the feeling I have in my chest, along with a squeezing feeling. I feel tears cloud my eyes, but I feel happy, somehow?

I feel someone embrace me. I look up to see the silhouette. Its arms around me, like it's protecting me. I feel secure. I feel loved.

I hug back, breaking down in its arms.

"You don't have to be alone anymore"

I hear my own voice. I break down sobbing, seeking more of the silhouette's warmth.

I stopped sobbing after a while but remained in the silhouette's arms for what felt like hours.

"You gotta wake him up!" I heard a distant voice say in a hushed tone.

"No, he hasn't slept like this since who knows when… Something must've happened yesterday..."

I feel myself slowly drifting from where I was standing.

"We can just tell the school he's sick"

"On the second day?"

I feel someone caress my cheek.

"You can stay too if you want"

"Hey, sweetie," Roman opens his eyes to his mom in front of him.

"What's going on? Why are you all in our room?" Roman asks as he sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He eyes Remus standing in front of their mama. Their mom is sitting on the edge of Roman's bed, facing him.

"Well, sweetie. You see, you just had a full night's sleep," their mom explained.

"You looked so peaceful too," their mama added with a smile. Roman stopped to let the events of his dream last night come back to him.

"Roman, is everything ok?" Their mama walked over to him, tucking a few strands of his hair behind his ear. "Yeah… Yeah, I'm okay!" He flashed a smile to his moms, meaning what he said.

~*~*~

Roman hadn't been able to sit still ever since he got to school. 'Late', he should add. Apparently, he overslept while Remus and their moms decide whether to wake him up or not.

When they got to school in the middle of first period, they were excused because their moms were there to explain. With a slightly bent truth, of course.

Roman had to wait three(and a half) classes to talk to Virgil. They didn't have any classes together, to which Roman was bummed to find out. When the bell rang, signaling their lunch break, Roman hurriedly headed to the cafeteria. When he got there, he spotted Virgil just about to sit down at their usual table.

"Uhh. Virgil? Can I talk to you for a sec?" Roman felt awkward, to say the least.

"Uhm. Sure," Virgil replied, standing up. Roman led them under a tree in the courtyard, away from other students. They stayed silent for a while before Virgil spoke up, "So… what'd you wanted to talk about?"

Roman just stared at Virgil for a few moments, examining him, before enveloping him in a tight hug. Virgil stood frozen for a while, surprised at the gesture. He slowly placed his hands on Roman's back, still confused at the sudden affection.

"You're not alone anymore, Pumpkin," Roman said in a gentle voice, cradling the other's head. Virgil froze when he heard the nickname. His expression then softens and hugs Roman tighter, burying his face on the taller male’s shoulder.

"How did you find out?" Roman heard, slightly muffled by his jacket. "Had a dream about yesterday," Roman simply stated, not elaborating more. "What about you? You said you had a clue. Oh! That rhymed,"

They both laughed.

"I have first period with Remus and I recognized him right away," Virgil replied, his face still buried on Roman's shoulder. "Oh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with him," Roman chuckled.

"No, I'm sorry you had to deal with him your entire life,"

"Well, we're not alone anymore now, are we? Roman asked with a serious tone. Virgil parted a few inches from Roman, still holding on to him. He smiled as he looked up at Roman, "No, we're not."

This might be the last one I'll do for AU august but I'm also deciding if I should go back to the prompts I missed when I was sick hmm

I wish I included Remus more in this but it was already 3k words and thats the longest I've ever written so maybe its for the best XD

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sailordiavolo · 3 years

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suicide prevention month 2021 - things that helped me stay alive

i heard that this month is suicide prevention month in the united states. as someone who’s struggled for many years with suicide myself, and is currently in the mystical “better place”, i feel it’s my duty to open this can of worms. i am unafraid of the stigma that comes with discussing such things.

i’ll go over things that helped me to cope during dark times. these may also apply to being depressed in general (?) because no offense but “drinking water” doesn’t help as much as google seems to think it does. note that these aren’t be all end all solutions, more like techniques that helped me to stay sane on some of my worst days.

1. get rid of everything that’s an immediate danger to your health.

if you’re actively a danger to yourself, safety-proof your home. don’t keep sharp objects lying around, or anything dangerous of the like. get rid of anything toxic or chemical, and don’t keep medicines in excess.

2. if you can’t make yourself happy, try to mildly amuse yourself instead

thinking “happy thoughts” doesn’t really work for me, especially if i’m in the throes of a depressive episode. i do have many things that make me happy, but i seem to forget about all of them in dark times. that being said, really dumb jokes get me every time. if i can make myself laugh, smile or chuckle, i’ve already made it 10 times easier for myself. and if i can do that, usually it’s easy to make myself forget about the original reason i was upset in the first place.

dear reader, i don’t know what would count as “mildly amusing” to you, but here’s some things that work for me.

i have a self care playlist on youtube. mine’s pretty dumb, but making a playlist like that of things that you find entertaining or amusing might help. another amazing one is distantcry’s worst beat ever collection.

very specific songs that really get me going include metrostation’s shake it, botdf’s bewitched, rm’s expensive girl, and she past away’s ruh.

3. do some self care activities

self care is very very important. when you feel like you’re absolute worst, that’s a free pass to be as selfish as you need to be until you feel better. no job, no person, no drama is worth dying over. all of that can wait until after you’re finished what you’re doing. if you’re not really sure what to do as self care activities, i’ll list some suggestions.

take a hot bath, if possible. if you have the resources, add bubbles, flower petals, bathe salts or candles. i did this the other day and sat in the bath and ate crumpets. it was amazing. if not, have a steaming hot shower. (i know it’s hard to find the energy, but it’ll help, i promise)

watch your favourite childhood show, or your favourite show at the moment, or play a video game.

sleep all day, or take the day off.

eat your favourite food, or the best food available to you right now.

spend some money if you have it. personally, i never spend all my money in a week, i save some in case i have a panic attack or something so then i can spend money on something totally random to make myself feel better.

change up your appearance. i usually end up cutting my hair short or randomly dying it, but this can also mean dressing in a way that makes you feel good, painting your nails, or doing your makeup.

4. know how to comfort yourself

this is related to the last one but knowing what brings you comfort is very important. it took me a very long time to figure out what things i find comforting. list the things that you find comforting, and you can use those to help yourself feel better. it might be music, interests, even something abstract.

if you can’t think of anything, then make sure to pay attention to things that make you feel nice/comforted, and list them down. it’s also important to know what will send you over the edge, so you can avoid it.

5. distraction topics

this may help with anxiety as well, but having distraction topics can help you to calm down and forget about what you were worried about. it’s good to have a few distraction topics up your sleeve in case of emergency. i’ll list a few of my favourites, but if you ever need one don’t be afraid to ask me directly, or send me an ask on my blog! i have a ridiculous amount of misc knowledge just floating around.

dinosaur fossils of mothers protecting their nest have been found, meaning that dinosaurs probably felt some form of motherly love. love on earth is billions and billions of years old. creatures have loved each other on this planet since before the dawn of history. imagine being the first organism to love on this planet and what that must’ve been like

some cave paintings were animated. they had different frames painted over each other, and the flickering of a flame in the cave would cause the images to appear as if they were moving. isn’t that extremely profound?

i saw somewhere, that scientists attempted to see what an electron was made out of, or something to that effect. it’s made of a pool of energy, which is essentially nothing. no form, no matter. everything is made out of nothing.

6. romanticise your future

a lot of us probably don’t have a concept of the future, or if we do, it’s something that sounds absolutely horrible. well, forget about that! think instead about how hot n sexy you’ll be in your 30’s, 40’s, etc. don’t worry about how you’ll get there for now, your future self can take care of that. think about your ideal life, and get excited like it’s absolutely going to happen. the more you think about it, the more it will become true.

7. romanticise your current self

nobody in your life understands you? that’s because you’re the hot brooding mysterious one. struggle with very dark thoughts? omg you’d be so powerful as a jujutsu sorcerer. people are staring? it’s because they’re in love with you. people whispering as you go by? also in love with you. no friends? the universe had to keep you humble because otherwise you’d be too perfect. hate the way you look today? you’re just a littel troll babie. the more amusing these thoughts are, the better. and if you think these things for long enough, eventually it will trick your brain into thinking it’s true. who’s gonna check you? the telepaths?

8. put things into perspective

i am prone to delusional thoughts when i’m panicked, and i have to remind myself to reel it in. think about it, you’re more afraid of answering the phone than you are of death? doesn’t sound very cash money of you, bro.

think about how many years you’ve really lived, especially if you think you’ve failed in life. take 12 years off your age, because childhood doesn’t count. also take off any other years which you were forced to live the way someone else wanted you to live, rather than for myself.

for example, i’m currently 23. my household was pretty strict, so i couldn’t really do anything before age 18. which gives me a grand total of 5 years of me trying to figure out life by myself. it helps me to remember how young i actually am in the grand scheme of things, and that i have plenty of time to still figure things out.

9. find a safe outlet for dark urges

for me, art and journaling really helped. music too, especially when i felt like i could relate to either the lyrics, or just the tone/mood/feel of the song. it might be exercise, or you may like to do creative writing or make oc’s. sometimes you may just need a friend or someone to listen.

if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can message me or shoot me an anon

10. sleep it off

sleep is not going to cure anything, but if i’m pushed over the edge and am struggling with dark thoughts, going to sleep almost always helps. most of the time i still feel like shit in the morning, but no longer in the mood to try anything hasty.

lastly: suicide is not the easy way out

note: i’m gonna be discussing my own experiences with suicide in this part, so if you don’t want to see that, then don’t read past this point

suicide is not the easy way out. it’s messy and it’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s gonna bring out the worst in people. i’ve been struggling with it since age 19.

one particular attempt landed me in the hospital after i swallowed a bunch of painkillers. i couldn’t think or speak properly, i was slurring my words and tripping over myself. my doctor brushed me off and said that it “would probably get better” with time, but it never did. it improved, but my mind has never been the same as it once was, and one of my biggest insecurities to this day is when i struggle to learn new things or get things mixed up that i shouldn’t. i struggle to learn the simplest of things, and my reaction times tend to be very slow.

the point is, sometimes you don’t die, sometimes you just end up hurting yourself in a way that won’t get better. nobody needs that. if had’ve known how to calm myself down back then, i might not’ve tried.

i don’t mind talking about it now, since i’ve dedicated so much time in learning how to uplift myself. i may be in the “better place” now, but you don’t need to rush yourself to be better immediately. sometimes you need to be patient, use baby steps, or learn to accomodate yourself where you are. these things take time. that’s okay.

and remember, you are loved and very much needed to be here on the planet with us.

#suicide awareness #suicide awareness month #mental health awareness #mental health #depression #anxiety #self help #suicide prevention #suicide prevention month #cw suicide

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radiorenjun · 4 years

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I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Warnings: mental breakdowns, heartbreak, mentions of blood, science (ew), mentions of death, major angst, arguments, flashbacks, physical injuries, fighting.

• Wordcount : 9.4 k

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: IX, X

• Song rec of the chapter : Start Over Again - New Hope Club

“Shit, I didn’t think it would be this bad.” Hyuck exclaimed as they finally managed to drag Jaemin out of the arcade. “Why was his wrist glowing like that?!” Chenle exclaimed as Jaemin gripped his wrist tightly, trying to make the burning sensation subside. “Idiot, didn’t you pay attention to Science class?” Hyuck replied as they watched Jeno (who had ran off to the nearest run towards them with a small packet of ice cream mochi in his hand.

“This was the only thing nearby, put this on.” Jeno handed Jaemin the cold packet, who thanked him softly and carefully placed the packet on the burning skin. “What’s happening to him?” Jisung asked, looking at his seniors as Jaemin leaned his back against the wall, slumping against it with a heavy sigh, trying to ignore the searing pain.

“I’m fine, really. It’s just a little wrist pain. It’ll go away sooner or later. I-” Jaemin muttered under his breath before Jeno cuts him off with a strict tone. “Shut up, Jaemin. You’re not okay,” he spoke sternly before running a hand through his hair in distress. “Hyung, what’s going on?” Jisung asked, in a more serious tone, truly concerned for their dear friend.

“It’s his tattoo. It’s burning his blood.” Hyuck explained, his usual teasing tone was now replaced with a serious one. His eyes staring straight at the glowing red skin as the younger boys stared at him in shock, Jaemin’s head shot up in surprise, eyes wide to see if Hyuck was messing him or not. “Hyuck, that’s not funny.” Jaemin let out a strained laugh, letting out a sharp hiss when Jeno pressed the cold pack harder onto his skin. “It’s not a joke, Jaems.” Jeno scolded softly.

“How is that even possible?” Chenle asked, baffled. Jeno rolled his eyes as he released his tight grip on Jaemin’s wrist, causing the younger boy to glare at him, pressing the ice pack against his wrist gently. “Guess someone never payed attention to Science class,” Hyuck muttered under his breath, receiving a punch on the shoulder from Jisung. “Get to the point, hyung.” he frowned.

“From what I remembered, that tattoo is connected to your emotions. It’s like the old red string soulmate theory. It’s the only thing that connects you with your soulmate. if you found your soulmate but they reject you or hurt you in any shape or form, the brain registers emotional pain of heartbreak in the same way as physical pain.” Jeno explains briefly, as Jaemin’s eyes widened at the new information. How come he’s never heard of this before?

“When the tattoo appears, it turns into some kind of blood vessel that connects to the emotional part of your body. And when you experience some form of heartbreak that’s caused by your soulmate, the tattoo somehow produces bacteria that burns your blood on your left wrist, hence the bright glow.” Jeno adds on, sighing, a hand going back to scratch the back of his neck. Hyuck nodded, “I knew this because Jeno gave me his science notes when we had that science test,” Hyuck exclaimed, putting a hand on Jeno’s shoulder who gave him a deadpanned look.

“There are some cases that the pains were so bad that they had to be removed.” Hyuck added on. “And let me tell you, it’s not a fun process to do so. It’s pretty rare, but they say if you’re not careful, removing it might mentally break them.” Hyuck unconsciously rubbed his own wrist, wincing at the mere thought of getting a part of his skin peeled off.

“So all this time. All the chest pains, all the wrist pains I’ve been enduring, was because I was feeling emotionally hurt by my own soulmate?” Jaemin asked in a rather hesitant tone, his pupils filled with disbelief. “Not hurt, per say. More like jealousy.” Hyuck concluded with soft shrug. “Jealousy?” Jaemin gaped, his mouth opened in disbelief. He didn’t know what to say. Or if he could say anything at all. It was all too much to take in.

“Yep. I don’t know if you noticed, but every time you see Renjun and Y/N together these days, you often glare at them as if you were going to have lasers shooting out of your eyeballs into Renjun’s skull.” Jisung joked, a small smile appearing on his face, trying to ease the awkward tension around them. “You need to seriously stop lying to yourself. If the world set you up together, you’re bound to develop feelings whether you like it or not, that’s how this fucked up soulmate system works.” Hyuck groaned in annoyance.

“You’re more stubborn than Jeno when his mom told him to not get a cat because he’s allergic to fur.” Jisung nodded in agreement. Jeno turned his head to the younger boy, letting out a soft, “what?”

“Very funny, you two.” Jaemin rolled his eyes.

“Honestly, hyung, this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so stubborn bout going against fate.” Chenle huffed, leaning his arm against Jaemin’s left shoulder, looking at the older boy with sympathy in his eyes. “Wait, does this mean,” Jaemin paused as his mind drifted back to you, his brows furrowed in confusion and a slight tint of horror.

“All this time, y/n felt this excruciating sensation for two whole years?” Jaemin gulped. By the way Jisung and Chenle gazed at their older friends curiously, he assumed they didn’t know any of this. A part of him didn’t want to talk bout this in front of them. Yet, another part of him was too curious yet nervous to find out the answer, for his friends’ reactions had said it all. The two boys looked away sadly, bowing their heads to avoid eye contact with their best friend. Jaemin felt his heart drop into his stomach, your innocent smile flashing through his mind, causing his guilt to fill him up even more.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jaemin asked, guilt filling his veins like a running tap filling up a jug with water.

“We wanted to. At first, we thought you knew. That’s why we were rather hesitant when talking to you since that day,” Hyuck exclaimed with an exhausted sigh, biting his lip nervously, referring to your birthday. “Then when you said you almost failed science back then because you didn’t bother reading the notes we shared, we were about to tell you,” Jeno continued hesitantly, his own eyes filled with guilt, remembering how Jaemin hated the ideas of soulmates so much, he didn’t even want to listen to the teachers explanations when it comes to the soulmate system that he purposely didn’t study for the soulmate part of the topic for the test.

“But then,” Hyuck cut him off.

2 years ago

“Dude, you barely passed Science, what’s up with that?” Jeno gaped, seeing Jaemin’s low score displayed on the pin board their school had set up beside every entrance to each class for event posters and test scores. Jaemin shrugged nonchalantly, his eyes filled with disinterest. “This was like the easiest topic of the whole semester, how in hell did you get a 72?” Hyuck exclaimed in disbelief.

“I didn’t bother to study with this one,” Jaemin shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Dude, it’s about the soulmate system. The only interesting topic in the whole school year, it’s all basic knowledge.” Hyuck deadpanned, nudging Jaemin’s arm with his elbow. Jaemin rolled his eyes, groaning in annoyance. “So? I don’t want to know shit bout that lousy system.” Jaemin replied with pursed lips.

“Shit, man. That’s kind of mean. I bet you didn’t even know that if you hurt your soulmate you’ll-”

“Haechan! Jeno!”

The three boys turned to see you smiling widely at them, though the smile didn’t reach your eyes. You quickly jogged up to the two boys, grabbing the, by the elbows in each hand, gripping onto them tightly. “Hey Nana!” you greeted, giving your soulmate a loving smile who just sent you a small friendly smile and a small wave. “Sorry, do you mind if I borrow your friends for a bit? I got something to say to them,” you giggled nervously, tugging them backwards to say it’s urgent so that Jaemin couldn’t catch on.

“Where did you come from?” Jeno asked, raising a brow at you. You frowned slightly, “through the wall.” You replied in a sarcastic tone, causing Hyuck to let out a soft chuckle. “It’s really urgent. I really need to talk to you guys,” you spoke seriously, tugging them back as Jaemin raised his brow at you suspiciously. “What’s so urgent that you got to take my friends away from me, huh?” Jaemin teased, causing you to let out a soft laugh.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” you winked, giggling. “But we have class in less than-” Jeno was immediately cut off by your desperate tone as you tugged them back quite roughly. “It’ll just take a second!” you said nervously, eyes pleading at them to go with the flow. Hyuck and Jeno shared perplexed looks before letting you tug them away from Jaemin.

“See you in Chemistry, Jaemin!” Jeno waved at his friend, who waved back with a soft smile before turning to the other direction to get to his locker. You pulled Hyuck and Jeno around the corner, looking back to see if you were far enough from Jaemin. “What’s up with you Y/N? You look like my little sister when she told her teacher that I ate her homework.” Hyuck asked in a concerned tone.

Your smile from before dissipated into a rather exhausted expression, sighing as you leaned back against some random student’s locker. “You guys have to promise me to not talk to Jaemin anything related to the soulmate system.” you frowned, eyes boring onto theirs seriously. Jeno frowned, confused. “Okay. Why though?” he asked questioningly.

You looked back, making sure Jaemin was nowhere to be seen before hesitantly speaking. “He doesn’t know anything bout the soulmate system. Like, literally nothing.” you started, rubbing the back of your neck in distress, letting out a pained sigh. “He’s been that way ever since we were kids, you know that, Jeno. And it’s best if we keep it that way,” you explained.

“Y/n, no. You know full well what’s going to happen. You’re gonna get hurt, like physically hurt, y/n. We need to tell him,” Jeno shook his head, refusing boldly with Hyuck nodding in agreement. You sighed, smiling softly. “I knew you were going to say that. But really, I’m going to be fine. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” you waved it off with a light smile.

Hyuck and Jeno gave you uncertain looks. “I’m serious.” you huffed with a slight pout, “I appreciate you two caring bout my well being but I’m really going to be okay. Trust me,” you held up two crossed fingers from your left hand, grinning sheepishly. Hyuck and Jeno eyed the sore mark around the tattoo on your wrist, identical to Jaemin’s which was red as if it had been gripped tightly by someone.

“Y/n, you’re gonna get even more hurt. You need to tell Jaemin, what if he stops being stubborn if you just tell him?” Hyuck tried to reason, feeling his own wrist sting by the sight of yours, wondering how painful it could be to feel such an awful sensation. You let out a soft shrug, “I don’t want to see him sad like that. I am his soulmate after all, soulmates are suppose to keep each other happy.” you smiled, though Jeno and Hyuck could see the sadness through your pupils.

“What’s the point in that? You’re just gonna keep him in the dark so he can be happy while you suffer in pain every day? That isn’t fair, y/n. It isn’t fair to you nor to Jaemin,” Jeno furrowed his brows, feeling frustrated with his stubborn friend. Why couldn’t he just get over the whole ‘I’m going against fate because this whole soulmate system sucks’ bullshit?

You gigged softly, looking down at the sore mark around your tattoo, caressing the balloon doodle with your thumb. “You two don’t fully understand. I want him to love me, but I don’t want him to love me just because he’s forced to.” you sighed, taking your two friends aback slightly. “Maybe one day-” you shook your head profusely, trying to shake the negativity out of your head.

“No, I know one day, he’ll love me back the way I love him. I just need to be patient with his stubborn ass. I’ll never stop trying until that happens. And when that happens, maybe none of us will be sad anymore.” the sad yet hopeful smile you plastered across your lips was enough to break Jeno and Hyuck’s heart. They wished you and Jaemin could have an easier plot to your story, wishing that you wouldn’t have to go through such a painful process just to make your soulmate happy. But love makes you do crazy things, and they knew they should respect your decision.

“How are you so sure? It’s been months, y/n.” Jeno asked rather hesitantly. But he needed an answer why you couldn’t just tell him. Hyuck nodded, he couldn’t find the courage to speak. Hell, Hyuck didn’t even know what to say to you, not when you were looking at him as if you were clinging on to your last hope of life. You gave him those sad smiles you only see in movies when a main character knows they’re in for a long painful ride through life.

“I’m actually not.” you replied shortly, putting your hands into the pockets of your jacket, “But this is what love does to me. It makes me feel as if I gave up on this, I’m going to have the whole world turned upside down. I guess I’m just that whipped.” you shrugged simply, kicking a crumpled ball of paper someone dropped earlier. “Love? What is love, really?” Hyuck asked in a rather bitter tone, recalling the hurt expressions you would always have whenever Jaemin wasn’t looking.

You paused to think bout it for a moment before looking at the two boys with a knowing look, “I don’t know myself. But it feels amazing to be in love, I want it to last as long as possible. Even if it might not work out for me in the end, I just want to at least cherish it while I can,” you grinned, giving them enthusiastic jazz hands.

“So, can you promise me that you’ll both keep this between the three of us?”

“So you both actually kept it from me all these years?” Jaemin exclaimed, feeling anger overwhelm his whole body. Hyuck’s head shot up, “she looked tired enough, we couldn’t say no, you asshole!” he shot back defensively, jaw clenching tightly. “Telling you would be like taking her last bit of hope, she didn’t want to burden you with the thought, so she kept it to herself, you ungrateful douchebag!” he spat, his face red with anger as he stared back at his friend in disbelief.

“Oh, so you decided to let her suffer internally so I can feel like shit about it later on? Sure, Donghyuck!” Jaemin shot back, pulling the frozen pack to clench his fists by his sides. “Oh, so it’s y/n’s fault now, is it? That’s what you’re implying?!” Hyuck growled, letting out a groan of annoyance at his best friend’s stubborn self.

“You ass, you really can’t see how fucking stupid you’re being? She’s your fucking soulmate, for fucks sakes! Get your head out of your ass and wake up, if you just showed a bit of interest with the whole soulmate system then this wouldn’t have happened in the first place!”

At this point, things were getting a bit too intense for the two boys, Jisung had to step forward and grip his senior’s shoulder, in case Hyuck tried to do something to Jaemin. “Shut up, Hyuck. You don’t even know what you’re talking about! You’re just one of those people who follows this fucked up soulmate system, you just don’t get it!” Jaemin took a step forward towards the older boy, jaw clenched tightly in anger.

“Yeah, sure, if this system is so fucked up, then what bout you, huh? What about you, Na Jaemin?”

“What about me?”

“If this whole system is fucked up, like you say it is. Then what about you? Don’t you think it’s fucked up that you keep hurting your own childhood best friend for your own selfish purposes, you prick?”

“Hyung, I think thats-” Jisung attempted to coax Hyuck to stop before he did some permanent damage to their whole friendship, only for the older boy to shrug his hand away with a harsh scowl on his lips. “Shut up, Jisung. I’ve had it with this bullshit, it’s time he opens his fucking eyes and stop acting like a fucking brat.” Hyuck spat back at the younger, causing the poor boy to sigh in defeat.

“What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” Jaemin felt his heart ache, not in the way whenever he would see you or Renjun. It was a different kind of ache, it felt as if tiny sharp objects were slowly piercing through his heart. And Jaemin was afraid that he didn’t know how to make it stop.

“It’s funny how you just tossed away her feelings for your own for two whole years. You didn’t even know that she was hurting, right? You treated her like shit for two years: throwing away her cookies, her gifts. Taking her kindness for granted, rolling your eyes at her whenever she was in the room. Not to mention talking shit bout her behind her back.”

“I do not talk shit about her behind her back-”

“Oh, really? What about those times you complained how clingy she was? How she was suffocating you with her presence? How she was getting annoying day by day, huh? What do you call that?”

“I was just-”

“You were just what, Jaemin? You were just pissed off? Or was it because you didn’t think she was right behind you listening? Or is it gonna be another of your petty excuses?”

Jaemin couldn’t respond, he didn’t know want to say. He admits that what he’s done in the past wasn’t the nicest things, but he was just upset whenever he said those things. He froze in his place, unable to find the right words to respond. Or rather, he couldn’t respond at all.

“Oh, so now you have nothing to say? Just admit that you’re being irrational about this whole situation, Jaemin. It’s not that hard to admit that you’re wrong, you bastard. No wonder Y/n replaced yo-”

Before Donghyuck could finish his sentence, Jaemin pushed Donghyuck by the chest harshly in anger. Hyuck took a few steps back at the harsh impact, his scowl turning into a smug grin. “Shut up, Donghyuck.” Jaemin growled, shrugging off Jeno’s hand when Jeno stepped forward to gently coax Jaemin to let it go before they both do something that’ll get them in trouble.

“Did I hit a nerve? You know it’s true, Na. You just won’t admit it!” Hyuck growled, causing Jaemin’s blood to boil under his skin. Both of his fists were clenched tightly, ready to punch something. Or rather, someone.

“Stop it, Hyuck.” Jeno barked, his tone getting an octave lower. At this point, Jisung and Chenle were eyeing their elders cautiously, ready to drop their snacks to the floor in case a fight breaks out. “What? I’m not lying, aren’t I? It wouldn’t take a genius to know that Y/n basically replaced him with someone clearly better for her. I mean, Renjun’s would be a way better soulmate than your selfish ass, anyways.” Hyuck taunted with a proud glint in his pupils.

“Hyuck, stop it before you’re gonna regret something,” Jeno barked once again as Jaemin clicked his tongue, his jaw clenching tightly as the atmosphere thickens between the three boys. “If only Y/n wasn’t cursed to be soulmate with an asshole like you, then she didn’t have to put up with your ungrateful ass for all these years!” Hyuck exclaimed, raising his hands up dramatically to rile Jaemin up even more.

It all happened so fast.

In a split second, Jaemin launched himself onto Hyuck, grabbing the younger boy by the collar. “Take it back,” Jaemin spat in his face, tone laced with anger. Hyuck still had a proud smirk on his face, provoking the boy even more by his smug expression. “I’m happy she didn’t have to get stuck with you for the rest of her life despite being cursed for having the same tat-”

Hyuck didn’t get to finish his sentence when Jaemin’s fist collided against the side of his face. “Jaemin! Hyuck!” Jeno ripped the two boys apart, holding Jaemin back before he causes a ruckus. Jisung and Chenle held Hyuck back as Jeno began to scold the younger boys, “Fuck off, Jeno!” Jaemin tried to shove Jeno off of him, but Jeno tightened his grip on Jaemin’s shoulder, holding him back tightly.

“Jaemin, stop it you’re making a scene.” Jeno hissed as Hyuck let out a cocky “Ha!”, getting out of Jisung and Chenle’s grip. “No, Jen. Let him go, maybe if he beats me up, he’s gonna realize how shitty of a human being he’s been.” Hyuck taunted with a sinister laugh, causing Jaemin to let out a harsh growl at his friend. “You little-”

“Hyuck, stop provoking him. Jaemin, calm down before someone calls security!” Jeno struggled to keep Jaemin at arms length from Hyuck, Jaemin’s pupils darted at the people around them staring, whispering and crying out for someone to get security. He felt anxiety crawl up his skin at the countless of eyes glaring at them, but one that truly caught his eye was your own figure walking out of the arcade.

You had a skip in your step with an enthusiastic smile on your face as you stared back at your friends, pointing at the nearest food court as you looked back at your friends. His eyes widened slightly when he saw one of your friends pointing towards the crowd around them, anger soon being replaced with a strong surge of panic.

Jaemin masked his panic with an incredulous scoff, shoving Jeno’s hand off of him with an annoyed huff before bumping his shoulder against Donghyuck who gave him a death glare as he stomped off to the parking lot as fast as he could, ignoring the eyes of strangers as he leaves his friends behind.

“Son of a bitch!”

Jaemin couldn’t be anymore thankful that his parents were away on a business trip for two weeks, they didn’t have to see their son experiencing a mental breakdown right before their eyes. Jaemin slammed the door shut as hard as he could, hitting his fist against the door in anger, swearing loudly as he vents his anger out on the white wooden door.

His fists were red with pain, but at that moment he couldn’t find it in himself to care. All he wanted was to block out the pain he was feeling deep down inside of him and let it out before it exploded inside him. Before the pressure broke him inside and outside.

Eventually, the sound of his fists hitting the wooden door stopped. Jaemin took a step back, panting, his hair messy, his blood boiling, his heart racing in his chest, exhaustion filling his entire body. He collapsed onto the mattress of his bed, sighing out. Jaemin felt exhausted, mentally and physically. He felt like being stuck in his room for the rest of his life. He felt like he wanted to just disappear.

Jaemin turned over to his stomach, burying his face against the soft fabric of his pillows. His heart ached even more, his wrist wasn’t burning anymore but it still left a dull ache in it’s wake. And for once in his life he wasn’t covering his soulmate tattoo with his watch or wristbands. Jaemin’s glassy eyes stared at the small tattoo that got him into this big of a mess in the first place as his mind keeps spinning in his head.

The tattoo that was once a bright doodle of a small red balloon floating in the middle of two clouds had now transitioned into a dim crimson red, the white color in the clouds and the bright red color in the balloon were barely visible. Jaemin assumed that was probably the side effects of either the pain killers he took or the tattoo releasing bacteria from the emotional pain in his chest.

Jaemin chuckled to himself, turning his head to see the half empty bottle of pain killers standing innocently on his desk. Laughing lightly to himself at how frustrated he gets whenever the pain wouldn’t stop despite taking the maximum dosage. “I’m so stupid.” he mumbled to himself, rubbing his face with his palms in frustration.

On second thought, he couldn’t remember the last time he saw your tattoo. Jaemin’s brows furrowed, at the thought. Come to think of it, you had been covering your own tattoo up these past couple months. Either with the matching friendship bracelet he got you for your 16th birthday, joking how you should cover your tattoo with it, hours prior to when your tattoo appeared.

You wore it all the time since then. The charms on the bracelet were large enough to cover the small tattoo on your wrist. Were you using the bracelet as an excuse to cover the marks your tattoo left on your skin from everyone else? Was your cheerful demeanor a facade all this time to cover your pain from Jaemin so that Jaemin wouldn’t feel guilty for hurting you?

Everything was a mess.

Jaemin wanted this whole problem to just disappear.

He groaned as he sat up from his bed, eyes examining his bedroom. The distant nostalgic sound of both of your laughter echoing in his mind as he recalled the times when you two used to joke around and make each other laugh so hard you had to hold your stomachs. The memory of him flicking your forehead whenever you do something annoying to make him laugh. Pupils staring at the small pebble that sat at the corner of his desk, his mind fluttering back to the time when you were 15.

“So I have a present for you.” you giggled, barging into his room and dropping your bag carelessly in the middle of the room. Jaemin looks up from his phone, raising his brow as a smile stretched across his face. “Is it food?” he asked, an eager smile stretching across his face as he watched you pounce on his bed with your arms stretched out like a starfish.

You turned to your best friend, giving him a bittersweet smile before letting out an evil, loud, maniac laugh, leaning you head back for a dramatic effect, abruptly turning to Jaemin with a deadpanned expression before letting out a cold emotionless, “no.”

Jaemin frowned, his bottom lip jutting out as he whined. “And here I thought you’d finally pay me back for all the peanut butter sandwiches I sacrificed every recess.” he complained under his breath, smacking your backside with one of the pillows behind him. You giggled, sitting up as you watched your best friend pursed his lips at you.

“You wish, Na Jaemin. That’s never going to happen, that I can assure.” you giggled, shaking your head as you snatched the pillow from his hands to lay it on top of your lap. “Then what did you get me?” he asked, a confused frown forming on his lips, leaning his head to the side in curiosity. You smiled simply at him, “close your eyes, first.”

“Why?” he eyed you suspiciously, watching as your right arm reached for something inside the pocket of the peach coloured hoodie you were wearing. “I swear if you get me one of those strawberry infused tea that the 6 year old girl from across the street constantly forces innocent bystanders to buy, I’m going to-”

You let out an incredulous scoff, putting your hand on your chest with an offended frown. “Preposterous!” You gasped dramatically. “I would never make my best friend suffer by buying him a disgusting drink made by a 6 year old who eats play doh for a living!” you exclaimed with an offended tone.

Jaemin gave you an incredulous look, leaning back on the bed with his arms supporting him as he raised a brow a you. “You literally made me try her special oreo, milo, peanut butter and jam, ‘expresso’ a few weeks ago.” he said, wiggling his index and middle fingers when he said ‘expresso’.

You gave him an innocent dorky grin in response, “no regrets.” You hissed with a smug smile. Jaemin rolled his eyes at you, “I’m serious, I’m actually concerned. Knowing you, you probably hired some weird psychic witch to make a voodoo doll of me.” he frowned jokingly. Actually, he was half joking considering you were weird enough to convince him that you were secretly a witch from another dimension.

You giggled, putting the back of your hand on the top of your head as you wailed out dramatically like those people in theaters and soap operas. “Oh dear God, Na Jaemin has no faith in his oh-so-amazing best friend! What have their friendship become!” you cried out, scrunching your face as you pretended to cry in front of him, causing Jaemin to reach his hand out to pinch your cheek gingerly.

“I don’t think ‘amazing’ is a word I would use to describe this whole experience of being your friend since diapers.”

Now it was your turn to purse your lips, causing Jaemin to send you a charming wink, rolling your eyes in response. “Is that so? I think it’s time to finally terminate our friendship.” you sniffled, wiping an invisible tear as Jaemin let out a laugh your statement. “I’m kidding, Y/n.” he cooed in a high pitched voice, putting both his palms against you cheek and squishing them together to pucker your lips.

He snickered as you smacked his hands away from your face, “get your hands off of my face, you peasant.” you giggled before sitting up straight and giving him a serious look. “Now. Close your eyes!” you frowned, booping his nose jokingly. Jaemin raised his brow at you, pushing your finger away from the tip of his nose. “Fine,” he sighed, closing his eyes slowly.

He felt you tug down the hood of the jacket he was wearing over his head, feeling your palm pat against the fabric against his eyelids .”No peeking, Jaemin!” you exclaimed eagerly, your hands moving to pull his hands out from behind him. He rolled his eyes with a small chuckle when he felt your fingers pry his own open to spread out his palms.

“Did you get me those old squishy stress balls you keep gazing at whenever we go to the mall?” he asked with a soft giggle when he feels you place something small and smooth in his palm. “I’m too broke for that, you know that, Jaemin. Now, open your eyes!” you giggled, he felt the bed sink, signalling you probably moved to lay down.

Jaemin placed the object in his hands in his left hand, his right moving to pull the hood over to the back of his head as he slowly opened his eyes and looks down at what you have placed in his palm. His brows furrowed in confusion at the grey object you had placed in his palm, his head shooting up to look at the cheeky grin displayed on your face.

In his palms was a small pebble.

A fucking pebble.

He squinted his eyes at you to see if you were joking, but you just kept giving him the same cheeky grin. You weren’t joking in the slightest. You two stared at each other for the next 15 seconds. Your eyes wide as if daring him to speak and complain while his dared yours to explain what level of degeneracy your weirdness has come to.

Jaemin clicked his tongue at you.

“You got me a rock?” he deadpanned after a pregnant pause. You were on your stomach, gazing up at him with your face in your palms with a chesire grin spread across your face. “First of all, it’s a pebble. Second, it’s not just a pebble, it’s a pebble with-” Jaemin watched you lean over to flip the pebble in his hands around.

“A picture of Doraemon!” you exclaimed cheerfully. Jaemin stared at the small cheap sticker of Doraemon winking at him, then stared back at you with a blank expression. He bit his lip to keep himself from bursting out laughing, watching you bite back your own laughs. “You got to be joking me. Please tell me you’re joking,” Jaemin threw his head back laughing, placing the pebble on his bedsheets in front of him as he applauded and laughed at the same time.

You shook your head as you wheezed, laughing loudly as you smacked your fists against the pillow you were laying on. “Oh you WISH I was joking. Hell no, dude, you’re gonna keep a rock as a momento of my iconic existence.” you shook your head, wiping the tears from your eyes as Jaemin stared at you incredulously.

“What the hell am I suppose to do with a rock? Also what’s with the sticker? It looks like some weird omen.” Jaemin snickered, he really couldn’t stop laughing at how stupid this situation looks. You shrugged innocently, giving him a teasing grin. “The sticker adds flavor to the pebble. I couldn’t find any permanent markers to decorate it with.” you shrugged, causing Jaemin to bawl out laughing, throwing his head back.

“Remind me why I’m still friends with you?” he chuckled. You puckered up your lips gingerly, “because you just married me.” you winked, causing Jaemin to furrow his brows in confusion. “Have you been eating to many candies again, y/n?” he asked, placing the back of his palm against your forehead. You huffed, slapping his hand away, eliciting soft giggles from your best friend.

“You accepted my gift, that means we’re married!”

“How so? What kind of weird nonsense have you discovered this time?”

“Hush, this is actually a really cute fact.”

Jaemin sighed, nodding his head as he gestured you to continue on. You grinned gingerly, “Did you know that when penguins propose to their mates, they give their mates a pebble? Like some sort of wedding ring!”

There was a pregnant pause. Jaemin just giving you an incredulous smile, his cheeks flushed pink as he wonders how adorable this moment could possibly get. “Is this your way of saying you want to marry me or is this your way of calling me short?” Jaemin teased, his sweet wide smile never leaving his face as he leaned over towards you.

You raised your brows in surprise, a bright pink tint appearing on the soft skin of your cheeks. “Welp, this clearly backfired.” you muttered under your breath, causing Jaemin to let out an amused laugh. “What were you even trying to do here?” he exclaimed, stretching his arm out to gingerly pinch both of your pink cheeks as you whined out in embarrassment.

“I just want to pull a little harmless prank to make you blush. I clearly didn’t think this through.” you said, gripping his wrist as you try to pry his hands off of your cheeks. Jaemin giggled, his heart fluttering. “You’re getting weirder day by day.” He mumbled to himself, shaking his head profusely at you.

“Shut up, I thought it was cute and funny at the same time.”

“Would you marry me though?”

“What?”

Jaemin gulped, shaking his head when he realised he said that out loud. “Would you marry me though if we had the chance?” he asked shyly, rubbing the back of his neck shyly with a bashful smile. You leaned your head to the side, pondering for a small moment, attempting to ignore the heat rushing through your cheeks. “Would you?” you mused, chuckling at your best friend who just gave you a dopey grin.

Jaemin shrugged, “I don’t see why not. It’s better than marrying someone you met because of a stupid birthmark.” he smiled innocently. You rolled your eyes at this. “Your resentment towards the soulmate system will always be an unattractive point. I hate to be the person who blows a candle, only to have the same lame soulmate mark as you.” you joked, causing Jaemin to smack you with the pillow beside him.

“Rude!” he exclaimed with a laugh. “What if you were that unfortunate soul?” he asked with a giggle, causing you to frown. “Well screw that, I’ll peel the damn mark off of my skin.” you shot back, giggling in between words as Jaemin pouted at your words, pursing his lips in response. “Wouldn’t that be ironic, though? We’ve been friends since diapers, I’d be damned if I have to spend the rest of my life with you.” you commented.

Jaemin stopped laughing, leaning back on his arms as he took a moment to think about it. “But wouldn’t it be better that way though? Like, you wouldn’t have to go through that awkward introduction phase when we could just move on to the honeymoon phase.”

You scoffed. “I’d rather barf in my cereal.”

You let out a loud ‘oof’ when Jaemin tackled you against the sheets to smack you with his pillow repeatedly.

Jaemin chuckled to himself at the memory, smiling sadly at how ironic yet cliche this whole ordeal was. He walked over to his desk, picking up the pebble from the space in between his books and stationary. He tossed the pebble in the air, catching it in his other hand. His eyes pausing at the old Doraemon sticker on the pebble, half of Doraemon’s face had disappeared. (Jaemin’s weird desires to peel things off had kicked it when he was tossing around the pebble in boredom)

His thumb glazed over the sticker, causing it to fall off of the pebble and to the carpet floor. “Shit!” Jaemin cursed, kneeling down to find the Doraemon sticker. ‘Y/N’s gonna kill me,’ he thought to himself with a chuckle as he picked up the sticker, it took him a few seconds for him to realize that you two weren’t friends anymore. ‘Right, she probably doesn’t care about some stupid sticker anymore.’ he frowned, sighing heavily.

He gently placed the sticker back on the pebble despite the fact that it couldn’t stick anymore, placing the pebble back on his desk as he stood back up on his feet, He looks back down when he felt his wallet slip out of the pocket of his jacket when he stood up. His heavy heart weighing down on him when he looks down at his wallet.

His wallet had fallen open, revealing the photo of you two when you were still kids slipped into the transparent pocket of his wallet. Jaemin picked up his wallet in between his fingers, his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach as he collapsed back on the mattress of his bed. He tucked his arm under his head as he turned over to his side, never keeping his eyes off of the picture in his wallet.

The picture was slightly blurry. Baby Jaemin was attacking you with his latest transformers action figure, his lips puckered to make dramatic sound effects. Baby you had your face scrunched in laughter, a hand outstretched to shove him away by his shoulder. You had a barbie doll in your free hand, protecting your barbie from his transformers figure.

Baby Jaemin’s cap was floating in mid air, having been knocked off of his head when you threw your doll’s hairbrush at the perfect moment. The one who took the picture was your grandmother, who truly believed that you two were soulmates since the dawn of time. Jaemin’s frown deepened at the thought of your beloved grandma. How she would use any given time to take at least one picture of the two of you together. How she would walk in the middle of your play time to five you two some cookies or treats she made.

“Grandma, what’s a soulmate?” you asked in the middle of your play date with Jaemin. Your grandma smiled simply, sighing as she leaned her cheek against her palm. “Soulmate, huh?” she repeated as Jaemin sat beside you in front of her with a cookie in his between hands. “A soulmate is like..” your grandmother paused, eyeing the two of you as you sat side by side with cookies in your hands as you obediently listened to your grandmother’s words.

“To me, a soulmate is like a best friend. It’s the one person who knows you better than anyone else.” she explained briefly. “More than your own family?” Jaemin asked, chewing in between words, causing your grandma to chuckle. “Almost more than your own family,” she winked, grabbing a cookie of her own out of the container filled with chocolate chip cookies.

“It’s also someone who makes you a better person in life, because most of the times, they inspire you to be a better person. A soulmate is someone you can carry with you forever.”

“Forever? Wouldn’t they get bored?” You asked with an innocent tilt of your head. Your grandmother smiled briefly, “well, would you get bored of playing with Jaemin, Y/n?” she asked, causing the both of you to look at each other. You shook your head with a bright smile, “never! Jaemin is my best friend!” you exclaimed, causing Jaemin to let out a loud cheer. “And y/n is mine!” he exclaimed, wrapping his tiny arms around your figure as he gingerly pressed his cheek against yours, causing you to giggle.

“That’s good. Though, a soulmate will always support you and believe in you. They will stay by your side no matter what. They’ll always be there to make you smile.” your grandmother explained. “Does that mean a soulmate is someone who can make you happy all the time?” y/n asked, eliciting a soft chuckle from your grandma who just nodded simply.

“Exactly my dear!” she exclaimed. “Gross,” Jaemin teased, scrunching his face in disgust at the thought. Your grandma chuckled, leaning down to fondly ruffle Jaemin’s hair. “Jae, you shouldn’t say things like that. I’m sure you’ll understand and change your mind when you’re older and more mature.” she spoke gently, making Jaemin scoff lightly, crossing his arms stubbornly.

“No I won’t! Just you watch, Grandma! I’m not going to have a soulmate when I grow up!” he exclaimed with a huff. You giggled as you hugged your barbie doll to your chest, “well I do! It sounds like a forever friend!”

Jaemin raised a brow at you, tilting his head in confusion. “A forever friend?” he asked. You nodded eagerly, pulling your barbie doll away from your chest to play with it’s bendable arms as you continued to explain. “A friend that’s going to be with you forever and ever like Mr. Snuggles!” you exclaimed, pointing at the big teddy bear leaning against Jaemin’s power ranger action figure.

“I wish I could meet my soulmate now!” you exclaimed with a bright giggle. “I’m sure they’ll be the nicest person ever!”

At this point, Jaemin couldn’t hold back his tears. His heart aching like never before, but this time he didn’t bother grabbing the bottle of pain killers near him. He puts his wallet on his nightstand as he sniffled, his heart overwhelmed with different emotions all at one. Guilt. Anger. Regret.

Jaemin furiously wiped the tears from his face, his frustration growing by the second. “Fuck!” he cried out, sobs coming out of his throat as tears continuously cascade down his cheeks. He turned over to his stomach, burying his face in the soft fabric to muffle his cries and sobs.

They say karma hits back at the best of times. It was no different with Na Jaemin. Like what your grandma had said, he’d change his mind of his perception of this whole soulmate system. There was no point in fighting against fate. How could he be so selfish as to let the people he cared about get hurt? How could he be so foolish to take your kindness for granted?

Jaemin’s eyes screw shut tightly, trying to stop the flashbacks going through his head. He knew he couldn’t stop the nostalgic memories from flooding through his mind. After all, you two shared every moment of your lives with each other that it would be preposterous for the world to not make you two soulmates. This is what he wanted right? He wanted you to go away.

Now, he just wanted his best friend back. He wanted you to give him cookies again every week. He wanted you to sit next to him during every class you had together and make weird jokes or express abstract opinions of a certain topic. He missed those times when you two would go to the arcade to get the biggest stuffed animal in all the crane games you could find and play some Mario Kart afterwards.

He missed how you would sneakily wear his hoodie in the middle of class because you ‘were cold’ or ‘forgot to bring yours’. He missed blasting music loudly from his car radio as he drives you both to school, headbanging aggressively to the beat of whatever song was playing on the radio. The way you would comfort him by buying him desserts or cookies from the nearest bakery whenever he received a scolding from Coach or the former Team Captain.

Jaemin paused, remembering your bright smile when you stood in front of Renjun. That genuine smile you always used whenever he was in your line of vision. He sighed at the vivid memory, He moved so he was laying on his back, sniffling back his tears as his mind spun even more as he couldn’t help but think that maybe Donghyuck was right.

Whenever he was a jerk, Renjun was always there to comfort you. He was always there to help you whenever you were on the brink of failing a certain subject while Jaemin would always ditch you for practice or to hang out with Jeno and Haechan. Maybe it would be better if Renjun was your soulmate instead of Jaemin.

He’ll make you way more happier than he ever could. Jaemin’s heart clenched against his chest at the thought of you being in a romantic relationship with someone else. Though, who was he to complain if you and Renjun were secretly into each other? He knew it was very unlikely for a someone to fall for someone else that’s not their soulmate, but it wasn’t completely impossible for one to do so.

All that you ever wanted was to have someone by your side for the rest of your life to make you smile when you’re at your worst. Jaemin couldn’t even do that back when he broke your music box. What was the point in asking you to forgive him now if you wouldn’t even look him in the eyes without giving him an expression equivalent to what an injured puppy would at their owner?

You deserved someone like Renjun.

Maybe Hyuck was right. You were cursed to be born with a soulmate like him. You were cursed to have the same stupid tattoo as he did on your wrist. You didn’t deserve to suffer that much emotional pain for such a long time for his sake. You didn’t deserve all the pain he put you through. And he knew he didn’t deserve to have you in his life.

Jaemin spent the rest of his day crying his eyes out. Finally letting out the pent up emotions that his actions had caused him, letting his heart scream out in pain as it tries to release the tension that came with longing for the feeling of holding your delicate heart in the palms of his hands. At that single moment, he never wished for anything so bad as he did when he wished he could start this whole soulmate ordeal over again.

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ddarker-dreams · 4 years

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Fallen From Grace. Yan Giorno x Reader [COMM]

Giorno has given you too many gifts to count.

This benevolent act serves multiple purposes, culminating towards the goal of making your time here better. He doesn’t shy away from the reality of what he’s doing to you, the extent of your loneliness after being displaced. Forcing himself to remember this bitter truth keeps him from getting complacent, striving to make your experience all the better.

No detail is to be overlooked. In what little free time Giorno has, he molds your surroundings to your liking. The meals that are planned for you consist of high nutritional value, often rotating your favorites with only the best ingredients and chefs to prepare them. Your wardrobe is full of outfits tailored to your measurements and tastes. Rare and ethereal flowers span across the master bedroom you share with Giorno, him creating them with the purpose of soothing you.

For all this effort, Giorno never has an expectation for your gratitude. He doesn’t believe he deserves it, having stolen you from your normal life. He’s the reason for the tear soaked pillows, the restless nights and detached demeanor you’ve adopted. Whether it’s to ease the guilt that suffocates his heart, or to see your eyes light up for only a moment, Giorno tends to you.

This custom, handmade journal is one he gave you at the start of your time here. With you receiving limited human interaction, Giorno found it important for you to have a way to express your thoughts. While you were initially antagonistic towards him about the journal, you began to use it. He lets you hide it from him, letting you believe it’s out of his reach for peace of mind.

Ironic as it may sound, Giorno respected you by never laying a finger on it. The overwhelming temptation of learning his beloved’s most inner thoughts isn’t lost on him. He could read it and place it back to its original spot without you being none the wiser. For months, he made a point in refusing this alluring idea.

That is, until this very second.

Sitting on his dark mahogany desk, is the journal that contains your private thoughts and experiences. Giorno’s eyelids flutter shut, a soft sigh leaving his lips. Leaning further into his chair, he gives more thought to the situation. The forbidden fruit lays before him, ready to give knowledge he shouldn’t have.

There’s a grander reason for this dilemma. When spending time with you, Giorno is keen to pick up every nuance of your behavior. It’s a trait of his that has followed him since childhood. Every twitch of your mouth or hesitation in your voice paints a larger picture. He’s capable of reading you, knowing your thoughts before you even know them yourself. This often works out in his favor.

But lately, when he speaks to you, something feels different. In a way that doesn’t make sense. You still hold apparent dislike for him, but you avoid eye contact less. There’s a sense of underlying assurance, like you’re privy to information that he isn’t. It gets under his skin, eating him from the inside out.

No longer do you threaten him with bitter words, detailing your resentment towards him. You seem content to sit in his presence, talking casually about what you’ve done that day and asking him the same. He won’t lie and say he doesn’t like the development. But his gut tells him there’s a malicious intent laced in your new behavior.

What are you hiding from him?

The realm of possibilities is few and far between, and Giorno considers every possibility. None of his theories placate a voice in his head, a gnawing that something is very wrong. Talking to you and asking questions laced with hidden agendas has led to no discoveries, options growing limited to discover the truth.

Running his fingertips over the spine of your journal, he gingerly opens to the first page. It’s a dirty feeling to be doing this, invading your privacy behind your back. He’s done worse for the sake of your well being, the justification spurring him to continue on to the next page. It contains your first entry.

“I didn’t want to write this. Putting the words into paper almost feels like I’m accepting the reality of what’s happening to me, this parody of a life. I don’t have much else to do to pass the time.

Even my hobbies bring me little joy, knowing who set them up for me like a doll in a dollhouse. Focusing is another thing entirely. How can I focus knowing I’m always being monitored to some degree? Even as I write this, I wonder who’s watching me.

In the past, when I felt anxious, I’d write. And well… anxiety is the heartbeat of my life now. Everyday I wake up, more numb than the last. All I look forward to is when I’ll sleep next. At least then I don’t have to feel anything, I can just exist without trying. There’s nothing else for me to say.”

He knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Giorno’s lips curl down into a frown, his eyebrows furrowing and stomach dropping. Seeing the depths of your pain so tangible, in your own words, kills a piece of his soul. It’d be an insult to you to waver now, he thinks, resolve staying firm. Not wanting to invade your privacy more than necessary, he skims through more entries in hopes of finding any leads on your current behavior.

“It’s already been three months since I’ve begun living here, if you can even call it that. I’ve gotten better at spotting the guards. I like to think of it as a little game. They’re good, I give them that. But when you have nothing to do, living in a house with no noise, it grows easier to listen. To notice things I wouldn’t have before.

Maybe I’m going stir crazy. I don’t like knowing how I’m being monitored, but I’ve grown accustomed to it. I hate to admit how he was right , when he said I’d grow accommodated to this with time. I don’t want to. I don’t want to learn to live like this. But I can’t stop it. Resisting the inevitable is a pointless waste of energy, which I hardly have anymore.”

Giorno picks up on your lack of mentioning him by name. In most of your entries, you avoid even insinuating to his existence when possible. It’s a cold sensation, knowing who he loves most omits him at every chance. He understands -- it’s what he deserves after putting you through this isolation -- yet the complex hurt remains prevalent. Every word stingers more than the last.

He soldiers on, searching through more entries.

“I wonder if they’re allowed to talk to me. When I call out to the occasional shadow, or creak in a room beside me, there’s no response. But I know they’re here, I’ve seen him giving them orders in the past when I pretend to sleep. It’s always in hushed whispers, as if anything they say could surprise me.

I just want to talk to someone. Someone that isn’t him. Someone that doesn’t avoid my gaze like everyone else here. It makes me feel like I’m a disgusting sight to behold, even though I know why they look away. The guilt from witnessing what they do, outweighed by their longing for money. I hate it. It makes me hate them. At least look at me, like I’m a human.

They’re spineless cowards. All of them. Disgusting subhumans that take a paycheck over my suffering. I hate them so much, almost more than I hate him.”

Giorno freezes, noticing small crinkles in the paper towards the end of this entry. Signs that you must’ve been crying, he deduces. God. He wants to tell himself that it’s worse than he thought, but that’d be a lie. All along he’s been aware of the great extents of your suffering, all pointing back to him.

Running a hand through his hair, loose from its normal styling, Giorno wonders if he should stop now. Every word is like a nail in the coffin of his heart, paining him in more ways he thought possible. Making difficult decisions has come as second nature to him, so he preserves on.

“Yesterday was my birthday. What a shitty thing to realize. I got a lot of things. More than I ever had gotten before. More offline games, clothes, perfume, shoes, jewelry, and even a painting. By the looks of it I think it’s rare, but who gives a fuck.

An interesting development occurred. One of my guards, if that’s what you’d even call them, approached me. He had just gotten off the phone, and informed me that my plans for the day were going to be different. Apparently the big boss got held up at work, so he wouldn’t be joining me for dinner.

Am I supposed to be upset about that? Well, I certainly wasn’t. Who cares. Seeing him would just make me feel worse. I hate how out of control I feel like he’s around. I almost find myself forgetting about all he’s done, when he speaks to me so calmly. Just thinking about it makes me feel dirty, like I should shower.

I didn’t see a point in responding at first. But eventually, I spoke up before the guard could leave. I asked him why he was okay with this, what he sees everyday. He didn’t offer a response. But I noticed something. His breath hitched, I’m sure of it.

Maybe there is another human being in this pseudo-prison after all.”

A painful reminder of the past. It did hurt him at the time to have to miss out on an important day with you, even though Giorno was self aware to know his presence brought you little comfort. There had been emergency phone calls over an attack from former Passione members, retaliating for losing drug related income.

The timing of it was awful, just thinking back to it reminds Giorno of the impatience he felt then. Hours were spent personally dealing with cleaning up what had happened, meaning he wasn’t able to see you as was originally planned. Orders were given back home to inform you of this change, though it’s now evident it impacted Giorno more than you.

The last section piques his interest. You felt you had noticed guilt in one of the guards? The pool of men that Giorno had carefully sifted through are no strangers to witnessing barbaric acts. Such is the life of a gangster. In your state of heightened emotions, there’s a possibility you could’ve imagined it.

The journal goads him to continue, unraveling the mysteries of your heart.

“I’ve gotten better at spotting the guards.

I can’t believe something like this is exciting to me, but it is these days. It’s kinda funny in a pathetic way, watching as they shrink back when I spot them. The guard from before is the one I recognize the most. I pretended to be hurt, and he came out of the shadows to check on me.

I guess he wasn’t expecting me to turn around looking fine after my acting, because he didn’t leave right away. Before he got the chance, I asked what his name is. He sighed, probably relieved that he wouldn’t have to report to his boss about me being harmed. He said his name is Marco.

At that point, it was my turn to be surprised. I guess he was too, given the slip up. I must confess, it felt nice talking to someone. It’s been so long since I’ve heard another person’s voice. He went to walk away soon after, but I stopped him. It’s not like they can use force to get rid of me, so why the hell not?

I told him I was bored and wanted someone to talk to. And, for some reason… he stayed.”

Giorno rereads this passage multiple times, scrutinizing it. So you managed to speak to one of the guards he assigned to watch over you? When he was recruiting within Passione for the position, he made expectations explicitly clear. They were not to interact with you unless an emergency calls for it. And if they felt the situation called for it, they needed to report it back to Giorno.

Your safety is paramount in his eyes. Regardless of this being a minor grievance, this guard will be punished accordingly for breaking the rules Giorno set. All of them were put in place knowing that if you grew connected to someone and they you, possibilities of insubordination would blossom.

The dates on the pages are getting closer to the current day, not many more entries left.

“Marco and I have been speaking more frequently.

He gave me a rough idea of the conditions in which we can talk, only in certain blind spots and times where other guards aren’t around as often. I wish it wasn’t so complicated. In our rushed conversations, I’ve learned more about him. I didn’t really think I would get all that invested in this person, since he’s stood by and watched my situation for a while now.

But now it makes a bit more sense. He told me that his little sister is unwell, having to practically live in a hospital room. That this dirty job is the only one that can cover the full expenses, and that without it she wouldn’t last. I can’t say that I forgive him entirely yet, but… I guess I can sympathize. I wish there was more I could do to help.

Her name is Lucia. One of the times we talked Marco told me she’s the strongest person he knows, staying dedicated to her studies despite having waning strength. She’s a few years younger than me, but I think we’d have gotten along well. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave this place, but I wish I could meet her one day.

Having him to talk to is nice.”

Ah... so that’s what it is then.

Unpleasant emotions rise within, feelings that Giorno long thought were gone. Times before when you were speaking freely with your friends, laughing among them and living your life to the fullest. Those times were he wanted nothing more than to join you, to have you by his side and share in the experience. His position shot down any hopes of that, the possibility of endangering you deterring him.

It was a painful time. Knowing that what he wanted was close and yet so painfully far, just out of his reach. Giorno wanted you to look at him like that, mirth in your eyes and a smile on your lips. To enjoy outings to the movies like you did with your friends, to have inside jokes and memories to fondly look back on.

Envy doesn’t begin to describe the hideous feeling that permeates within him. Giorno’s grasp on your journal feels weaker, fingers shaking as he flips to the next page. Predator-like intent shines on his visage, emerald eyes narrowed and grip tightening. Not typically one to dwell on what could’ve been, it’s rare Giorno would feel like this. He makes the most out of every situation, his resolve unwavering and sights set on a single goal.

You throw all of it into a loop, his normal composure a long forgotten memory.

“Today I played a game of checkers with Marco.

I think he was letting me win, but it was fun nonetheless. Apparently one of the normal guards was tending to business elsewhere, so we had more time together. He’s kind, kinder than I would’ve ever expected. When we’re together I just forget about everything other than the present moment.

For once, I don’t feel like a prisoner all on my lonesome. I don’t notice the heavy ring on my finger, the suffocating air of this villa that I despise. It’s just us, cracking jokes and learning about one another. It’s what I look forward to the most, what I hold onto even when Marco isn’t around. It makes me feel human again. Like I’m not [First] Giovanna, but entirely myself.

Smiling comes a lot more naturally these days. I can even find myself stomaching his presence easier, though I still don’t like when he’s around. As long as he doesn’t find out about Marco and I, I feel like I can get through this. Everyday I change the location of this journal, within the expanses of this mansion.

I still wish there was more I could do to help Lucia. I suggested giving Marco some of this stupid jewelry to pawn off, but he said it’s too risky. It’s surreal to know even pawnshops in Italy are fiercely loyal to Passione’s Don, and would be too hesitant to purchase his wife’s jewelry in fear of retaliation.

Having all this wealth surround me feels like a waste when I know there’s someone who could actually use it. As much as I don’t like the thought, maybe I could convince Giorno to help Marco somehow. I have a few ideas but they’re probably all too risky. He does always tell me, ‘If you ever want anything in this world, tell me.’

I want to help Lucia. I want to help Marco, who I’ve found myself caring for.

I’ve never asked Giorno for anything really. I don’t know how to propose it without making him suspicious--”

Giorno can’t stand to read it anymore.

Closing the book and placing it down, he steeples his fingers together. It takes a great deal of effort to frustrate him, normal composure melting away. Is it betrayal? Hurt? Jealousy? Everything wraps around his person, the air in his office feeling thick. Loosening the tie around his neck, he takes a much needed deep breath.

A flash of your smile from earlier this evening at dinner comes to mind. You called him by his name, maintaining eye contact and asking about his day. Lulled into a false sense of security, wanting to believe nothing more than the farce unfolding before him. Of course you didn’t love him back. He was a fool to have deluded himself into believing that.

At his fingertips is his phone. With a single phone call, he could command the world to fall. To have this guard who failed him tortured in the worst ways imaginable, experiencing hell on earth. Or to even join Passione’s former boss in a never ending cycle of death, that stretches the lengths of eternity.

So many possibilities. Yet none of them would soothe the agony of his heart. Completely and utterly alone once more, like his earlier days. Requited love was all but an illusion, a fog that has now been lifted.

Giorno purses his lips, considering. Fingers drum against his desk, the sound reverberating across the empty room. Grabbing a hold of his phone, he calls upon someone who could help him deal with this traitor appropriately. A message must be sent, he thinks, that will set the tone within the organization. It will hurt you to lose this newfound companion, but it’s a sacrifice he is willing to make. It’s not like you need to know the details either.

The phone rings. Once, twice. Before his second in command on the other line picks up.

“Yo, Giorno? You’re calling pretty late,” Mista’s voice is chipper as ever, the distant sound of music playing in the background. “Everything alright?”

Getting up from his chair, he walks over to the window that overlooks his garden. His beloved wife walks among the paths, bending down and inspecting a rose. Giorno remembers when he turned an object into that very flower, how your dull eyes lit up at the awe inspiring sight.

This is ultimately all for you, he reminds himself.

“Yes, everything is fine. Are you free at the moment? I have a job for you.”

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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

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Alright. Let me say something though. All of you thought on kid Kai. But takes this: BABY KAI :O!!!! If is not a bother I would like a scenario of that x3 just Kai being hitted by a baby quirk and he is like those grumpy babies who are fussy over on someone else's hold BUT on his S/o he is a quiet and kinda cute(???), just him searching for her nose and touching her while muttering some incoherents words and OH GOSH SO CUTE-

Oh well seems like much of you like to see kid kai now this is about babies? Alright then

Your eyes were wide open, the same went for your poor jaw that seemed like it was going to break at any second as you shamelessly pointed at Mimic holding a squirming baby away from him as Kurono pinched his jaw and winced when he wiped a drool of blood coming out of it.

"Don't ask." Mimic muttered as he winced at another one of the baby's whimpers.

"How?!" You accidentaly screamed and the two man winced a bit as Mimic yelled 'What the fuck did I just say?!' Before cursing out loud when the baby bites his hand.

"Quirks (Y/n). Quirks." Kurono hissed before furrowing his eyebrows at the toddler on Mimic's arms whose was persistent as ever to not lose a fight "The boss's from the another yakusa had a brat on their own, and the kid developed her quirk a week ago aparently and thought it would be funny to use on Chisaki, and well.."

"There. A brat." Mimic completed while almost dropping Chisaki on the ground when he shriek again.

"Please tell me this isn't permanent..." you whispered in awe, your words not exactly connecting with the way you stared at the baby version of Chisaki, squirming and fighting still on Mimic's grip with the most grumpy and cute look and pout you ever saw.

"Hold still brat!" Mimic hissed out loud and Kai seemed to stop immediately at that "You might be my boss but for fuck's sake!"

A sniffle or two was enough for all of the room to shut up immediately. Even Chrono widened his eyes and seemed at panick.

After all, the only one on the yakusa who had even a vague experience with toddlers and babies was Pops. And well... no one was ever going to interrupt the old man's resting neither receive a scolding.

The sniffles were getting more frequent but even as a baby, Kai seemed to at least hold back the tears stubbornly as the three adults panicked.

"BLoCk HeAd Do SomEthINg!!!!" Mimic shouted in despair as Chrono looked at him with wide grey eyes.

"Do I look like I know what to do?!"

"YoU ArE hIs ChIldHooD FucKinG FriEnD BitCh-!"

"Stop yelling! Thiis is not helping the slightest!" You tried to calm them both down but the sounds of sniffles lowered a bit and the three of you also quiet down to look at the golden eyed toddler who had locked his gaze at you.

"Chisaki?" Kurono muttered as Irinaka shook him a bit up and down before using out Chrono for punching him on the back of his head.

You finally payed attention to the baby version of him. The clothes he was wearing aparently had also decreased, and you had to admit that the small yet a little too big purple feathered jacket on Kai was just too cute to handle.

"Seems to like you." Chrono muttered more in sarcasm before widening his eyes when Kai WHINED and made grabby hands at you.

"Welp, all yours!." Mimic suddenly handed Kai to you without even sparing your poor self to understand what was going on. Both of you and Chrono stiffed your bodies in fear of anything to happen; but instead Kai just fisted his tiny hands on your clothing and looked at you, not even moving around like he was one second ago on Mimic's grip.

"My would you look at that." Hari said in sarcasm but also a hint of amusement as crossing his arms and staring at you both with a half smirk.

"My break time fuckers. Good luck" Mimic sighed, walking around and mumbling how much he needed a coffee.

"So... what do I do now?" You asked in despair before tensing when you felt the brush of Kai's little fingers on your collarbone.

"Have no idea. Let's just wait until the effect goes away I guess." Hari took a couple of steps towards you and Kai growled cutely and you almost let out a coo pf how adorable he sounded "But let's evit Pops with him like this, just for his own pride to not get hurted, right pal?" He smirked at how the baby glared at him and clinged to your neck.

"Okay... but-oh!" You noticed how Kai was now looking at you and holding out his two hands in both of your cheeks with a quizzical look on his baby face, like he was analyzing it.

"Kurono-kun what do I do?" You whispered and glared at the white haired man when he snorted and smirked.

Giggles left both of you CHOCKED, especially when you looked at your front and saw a smiley baby Kai whose was with one hand in your cheek and the other one in your nose.

"Whaaaaaaaa??????" You said in a goofy open smile as Chrono rubbed his eyes to see if he hasn't gotten crazy or anything related.

"And here I thought that he was just born being an ass would you look at that." He smirked as you giggle along with the baby in your arms.

A whole evening passed and now you an sleeping baby Kai on your lap, cuddled up on your chest as you ran your fi gers through his dark brow looks and chubby face.

"The boss from the other yakusa said that the effect will be gone in one or two hours." Kurono sighed from the other couch as he dropped his cellphone on his side "At least with you he got quiet."

'And I got finally the baby pictures I always wanted of him!' You thought in eargness as you took one more of Kai on that position he was.

He was going to kill you... at least you would die in happiness.

"Well would you look at that." A voice shook you and Kurono, the said man cursing to himself as he saw Pops smirking at the sign of you and Kai on the couch.

"Oh well, I tried to save your dignity Kai." The man muttered as the baby tilted his head with sleepy eyes before sighing and nuzzling on your chest again.

"I will give you one more warning." Kai growled threateningly as he caged you on the hall, golden eyes staring down at you in pure anger but his ears flushed red in embarrassment due to the events of yesterday.

"I swear I have no more." You lied as Kai growled.

"Dont you dare lie to my face (L/n) (Y/n)."

"You know? You were much more giggly as a baby." His right eye twitched and went to punch the wall if it wasn't for your quick movement of lowering his mask down and kissing him. Catching the man by surprise before running off laughing at your victory.

"I swear to god come back here this instant-!"

"Kai my boy gotta say, now the album I have of you is complete" the elder said in a glorious tone as he took one last look at the photos on his hands as he passed by.

While Chisaki was this close to smashing his face on a wall.

#overhaul x reader #overhaul chisaki kai #overhaul imagine #overhaul scenario #overhaul #chisaki kai x reader #bnha chisaki #chisaki kai #bnha #bnha fanfiction #my writings #zuffer writings

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poetic-emptiness-fanfic · 3 years

Text

Something There

The name of this fic is from a song Something There from Beauty and the Beast.

Characters: Hande Kuura, Reidunn & Lydik - Reidunn and Lydik belong to @vikinglumberjack

The first meeting of Hande and Lydik!

No content warnings.

Words: ~4 000

Hande enjoys spring: it's that time of year when nature comes back to life after months of slumber. A smile creeps across her face while she's walking towards the marketplace, not only because of the warmth or budding flowers and leaves, but because today she will meet her best friend after a long time. Reidunn has returned from her months-long journey to Longyearbyen, so of course they had to arrange a meeting.

It doesn't take long for Hande to spot the redhead from the crowd. She starts to wave at her friend whose face turns to meet Hande's eyes. They both smile to each other and Hande takes the huldra into a warm hug.

”Dunna, welcome back! I've missed you! How was your journey? Any news from your family?”

”Takkâ, Hande! I've missed you, too! It was fine, sometimes the weather was a little stormy on my way back home, but I was happy to see my family again. They're all fine, thank you for asking! They sent their love to you – they had hoped you would come with me again.”

”I'm glad you didn't experience anything too harsh on your way home! I would've loved to come with you, but you know how it is: Nadia needs me with this mental health clinic project,” Hande chuckles before she continues, ”That's what you get when you say an idea out loud and the Countess actually ends up liking it.”

Reidunn pats her friend on the shoulder, reassuring Hande it was great, that Vesuvia is going to have an important institution thanks to her. The magician quickly brushes it off, changing the subject to Longyearbyen. The huldra decides to indulge Hande this time, and tells about all the things she's done during her stay at her childhood home. They keep sauntering the marketplace until they stop at Selasi's bakery to grab some pumpkin bread. They're sitting on a table, enjoying the warm weather and each other's company.

”So, Dunna, it seems that you haven't just come back to Vesuvia. What have you been up to, or have you just rested after the journey?”

”I've tried to rest, yes, but I also had to make some arrangements. I need to make some space to my new roommate.”

”Oh, you have a roommate now? That's so nice! How did you end up with this situation?”

”He's a friend of mine. I haven't seen him a while, but when I was at Longyearbyen, he approached me and asked if he could come with me to Vesuvia.”

”How neat! What's his name? Is he a Fosna?”

”His name is Lydik. No, he is not a Fosna. He's a fae – a Nøkken, actually.”

Hande's eyes widen and her posture becomes stiff. Reidunn has a Nøkken as a friend? One of those scary, human-eating water creatures? For all of her life, Hande has been warned about them, how they lure their victims to the water to drown them. She also knows some people in Hjalle who have lost their loved one to a Nøkken. And now there's one living in Vesuvia...

Lost in her thoughts, Hande whispers, ”Näkki maalle, minä veteen...¹”

”What is it, Hande?”

Hande turns her gaze to Reidunn, still a little absentminded, ”Oh, it's a Forestian spell, to banish a Nøkken from water if you're going to swim.You need to throw a stone into the water while saying those words and then a creature needs to go to the shore and can't go back unless you let it return with another spell. I... Why do you have a Nøkken as a friend? They're monsters, they've only caused harm in Hjalle – I've heard too many stories of disappeared people whose steps lead to water and not back. People didn't even find their bodies to bury...”

”Oh, I'm so sorry to startle you, Hande! I forgot how that could be upsetting for you. But it isn't what you think, Lydik isn't like that! Actually, he saved my, Guivi's and Bilzi's lives when we got lost as children.”

”Oh?” Hande looks surprised, but also intrigued, ”I didn't know that could be possible. How did it happen, may I ask?”

Reidunn starts to tell about her adventure with her siblings and how Lydik had taken them under his wing. How he had showed kindness to the children by entertaining and protecting them during the night. The huldra can see her friend relaxing a little, although the magician still looks astonished.

”Wow, that really is something else,” she says, ”I've never heard of a Nøkken who has saved human lives instead of taking them. Sorry, Dunna, it seems like I judged too harshly.”

Reidunn reaches for Hande's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, ”It's okay, Hande. I should have warned you first.” The huldra seems to think for a moment and then smiles to her friend, ”If you want, we can go to my place. Lydik's there so... I've told him about you and I think it would be nice for you to meet.”

”You have?” Hande sounds surprised. She gives a little smirk for Reidunn and adds, ”I hope you've told only good things, and haven't frightened him by telling that I'm a Nøkken discriminator.”

The huldra bursts into laughter at Hande's latest remark. Reidunn is also relieved – she doesn't want to upset Hande, and it could be troublesome for Lydik if her best friend would decide to dislike Lydik without actually getting to know him. The duo raise from their seats and head to Reidunn's home.

***

Reidunn lets Hande enter first to her herbalist shop-apartment. The magician is greeted by music – fiddle music, to be exact. Hande stops in her tracks, starting to listen the sound that comes from upstairs. A melody is swaying and gentle, and has lots of short glissandos in it. The magician can hear a tuning of an instrument differs from her own violin: it sounds warmer, raspier and more ”homemade”. A shy smile rises on her face and she closes her eyes, taking in the whole experience.

Hande's friend can hear the music, too, which fills her mind with worry. Oh no, it's Thursday! Reidunn approaches the magician quickly, fearing she'll be traumatised after this incident. Before she's reached Hande she becomes a little baffled: Hande isn't walking towards upstairs. The huldra slows down and circles to meet the face of her friend. The magician's eyes are still closed, taking in the pleasant melody. Reidunn can see how Hande picks out the tune with her fingers against her thumb, like it's the fingerboard of her violin. Reidunn relaxes immediately. Phew, Hande isn't in trance. The huldra decides to wait for the song to end before she'll speak, for she doesn't want to startle her friend.

When the song ends, Hande opens her eyes and smiles at Reidunn, ”That was beautiful. How did you do it?”

Reidunn thinks for a moment before she opens her mouth, ”It was... Hande, don't freak out, but it was Lydik.”

Realization hits Hande and she feels dumbfounded. It the Nøkken is playing the fiddle, then why...

”Why am I not in trance?” Hande places her hand on her forehead, as if to feel if she has fever. The magician had no idea about this ability of hers. Reidunn seems as much surprised as her but then answers, ”I am not sure what may be the reason of this, but it seems like you're immune to Nøkkens' music.”

The magician, still a little confused, ponders out loud, ”I guess quite a few can do that – maybe it's related to families that have had magicians in their bloodline? There's nothing special about me in addition to that...”

Reidunn looks at her friend, giving her a wistful smile, ”That is a rare ability, I've never heard of anyone who is able to resist Nøkkens' playing. Not any human, at least.”

Hande isn't sure what to say – this ability of hers has taken her completely off-guard. The magician decides she doesn't have the time to muse about it too much – she will have time to think about it and ask from her family later. Now she can see the humorous side of this incident and chuckles to Reidunn, ”That kind of hospitality, eh? Trying to trick unsuspecting guests with his beautiful playing! How rude.”

The huldra looks a little confused, not sure whether her friend is joking or not. Her tail swishes nervously before she answers, ”No, Hande, it isn't a trick. I just brought a friend home. I'm sorry, it's Thursday and for some reason Lydik plays instinctively on Thursdays, and I didn't realise to warn you.”

Hande approaches her friend, hugging her lightly, ”It's okay, Dunna. I was only joking. How could you know he's playing right now? Besides, this was spontaneous visit, so Lydik doesn't know I'm here, either.”

Reidunn relaxes, her tail calming down as well. The huldra can't help but admire Hande's abilty to see humorous side of situations even soon after she has been nervous or baffled because of them. ”Would you like to meet him?” Reidunn asks with a warm smile on her face.

Hande answers her friend's smile with a smirk, ”Weeell, maybe this once. And if something goes wrong, I can always incant him inside of a water orb!”

Reidunn lets out a giggle and leads Hande to upstairs. Lydik is still playing his fiddle, apparently unaware of the company he's going to get. Hande is still a little nervous, but her curiosity is taking over – it's not every day you get an opportunity to meet a fae, after all. She waits behind Reidunn when the huldra knocks on a door that apparently leads to Lydik's room. The fiddle playing ceases and Hande hears a low grunt behind the door. Reidunn turns to Hande, ”For your information: Lydik can't speak, but I can interpret his communication to you. He understands what we are saying.” Hande nods after which Reidunn opens the door.

Lydik has put his fiddle away and turned to see the comers. Whatever Hande has expected to see, it wasn't this: a thin creature almost twice of her height with green skin, only loose pants covering his body. The Nøkken has yellow-green, wavy hair with twigs poking out of it, straight nose, elf-like ears and green, glowing eyes that reminds Hande of alligators.

A yelp, ”Ei perkele, hän on pitkä!²” escapes from the magician's mouth while she instinctively takes a step back towards the door. Her back hits the door and her brain catches up with her reactions. Don't be stupid, startling because of his height! There's nothing he could drown me with, and besides, why would he try to kill me, Reidunn's friend.

Hande's body is filled with embarrassment. ”I... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to... I... I just got a little startled of how tall you are. I don't know why, but I get this stupid inferiority complex every time I am near someone who's much taller than me...” she stutters, trying to meet the Nøkken's eyes despite of their huge height difference.

Reidunn observes the situation a little worried: she can notice how Lydik has tensed a little, probably willing to hide, and now also Hande is nervous and starting a tangent in order to hide it.

”It's not because of you, it's completely on me... I've never met a Nøkken before and half of my family has always warned me about your kind... Reidunn told me how you helped her when she was a child, I really don't have anything against you, I'm so, so sorry...” Hande continues her rambling, unable to stop the flood of words. Her mind races, like she's on the back of a kelpie, unable to get off while the creature gallops towards the water. Great, now I'm thinking of horses...The last thing I need to do now... The magician starts to wringle her hands and she wants to do is to flee the scene, but she feels like her feet are glued on the floor.

Lydik is watching this new acquaintance in confusion. He isn't sure what he's supposed to do. He can sense the woman is nervous, even a little scared, but isn't sure if it's because of him, or like she claims, because of her. He glances at Reidunn pleadingly and the huldra goes to comfort the woman, who still hasn't stopped her nervous talking.

”Hande, it's okay. Just breathe,” Reidunn says calmly while rubbing her friend's back. Her best friend's voice helps Hande calm down – she feels safe, accepted. Reidunn has always had this skill of making Hande feel comfortable, since the beginning of their friendship. She is Hande's pillar of strength, always there for her, like Hande is for Reidunn. Little by little tha magician's breathing stabilizes and she's able to collect her thoughts. It doesn't make her feel any better about her messing up, but at least she's stopped rambling.

”Well, that was awkard... I'm so sorry, I don't know why I get this nervous in new situations... It seems like I'm socially rustier than I used to be,” Hande raises her gaze to meet Lydik's eyes once again, ”Please, let me try again: My name is Hande Kuura and I'm delighted to meet you.” Hande places her right hand above her heart and bows at the Nøkken in order to greet him.

Lydik is still a little confused, but his body relaxes. He glances at Reidunn who is still by Hande's side. The huldra gives him a nod – it's okay now, even Lydik himself can sense the woman next to Reidunn has calmed down. He cocks his head, but then he gives Hande a small smile while mimicking the magician's gesture. After his greeting he pews at Hande.

The magician looks questioningly at Reidunn, not sure what that sound means. ”I think Lydik is trying to say he's also delighted to meet you. Pew is a friendly sound,” Reidunn interprets.

Hande answers to Lydik's smile. ”I heard you playing, it was beautiful,” Hande says sincerely after a moment of silence. The Nøkken's smile turns into a friendly grin, revealing his sharp teeth. The magician doesn't get startled by that, ironically enough.

”You look different than I imagined,” Hande states looking pensive.

Lydik cocks his head again. This time Hande realises he's asking a question. She thinks for a moment, but then decides she can say her thought out loud, ”Well, to be honest, I expected to meet a huge pile of alga with scary eyes,” she gestures to his direction with her hand, giving the Nøkken a bashful grin, ”This... It is a positive surprise. My expectation would have been way too creepy for me to handle.”

Lydik looks at Hande for a moment, but then he starts to chuff. This yellow-haired woman is funny indeed. His chuffing increases which creates a confused look on Hande's face. The Nøkken notices that and approaches a shelf nearby. He starts to tap some kind of rhythm onto it with his finger. Reidunn follows him carefully while Hande's confusion seems to increase.

When Lydik stops, Reidunn nods and turns to face her friend, ”Lydik used Morse code. He said that he would've thought that sharp teeth would be more creepy than some algae with eyes. He found your remark funny, by the way: that chuffing noise means he's laughing.”

Hande chuckles, surprised by the fact Lydik is laughing at her sayings. ”Morse code, you say?” the magician asks creefully, ”I need to learn that, so I can understand what you're saying.”

A realisation hits Lydik who starts to look confused once more. Still by the shelf, he starts tapping, looking at Reidunn questioningly.

”Oh yes,” Reidunn exclaims, ”Lydik asked how you're fine although he played, Hande,” the huldra turns towards Lydik before she continues, ”Well, it seems like that Hande is immune to Nøkken music. It didn't affect her at all, and Hande didn't even realise at first it was you who was playing.”

Hande nods in affirmative, ”I don't know how, but it seems like Reidunn is right about my immunity”. Lydiks turns to meet Hande's eyes. He looks like he's impressed. Once again the Nøkken taps and Reidunn interprets, ”He says: Woah, I've never met someone who could do that.”

Hande lowers her gaze to the ground, feeling embarrassed for the attention she's getting. In the hopes that Reidunn will indulge her, she tries to slightly change the direction of the discussion. ”Well, your playing did affect me, though. Like I mentioned before, it was very beautiful. I just wanted to stay and listen for a while. I play a violin myself, so it's nice to meet someone who can also do that,” she says wholeheartedly with a friendly smile on her face.

Lydik's impression brightens and he gives Hande a wide smile with some cheerful pews. He places his hands in front of him and then he draws his hands to the opposite directions in the air: his left hand upwards and right hand downwards. The Nøkken's fiddle and bow appear in his hands from thin air.

Hande smiles at Lydik looking impressed, ”That's a neat trick! I have to settle for a case and then glare at anyone who almost kicks it.”

Lydik chuffs and then gestures to his instrument, asking if Hande wants him to play again. The magician's smile softens when she replies, ”Please.”

Lydik lifts his fiddle onto his shoulder. He doesn't need to think for long what he wants to play. The song is faster than the previous one, something one would dance to. Most of the time Lydik concentrates on playing, but from time to time he glances towards the women in his room. Reidunn is swaying with the music and Hande taps the rhythm with her foot. The Nøkken notices Hande's face is lit up with a pure delight, not an empty smile what those people in trance would have. He finds it fascinating, intriguing even, and he wants to play even better because of that. Lydik really likes seeing that look on Hande's face.

After the song ends Hande starts applauding, Reidunn following suit. Lydik is confused, because he isn't sure why the women are clapping, but judging by the smiles on their faces, it is something positive. He smiles a little sheepishly and makes his instrument disappear once again.

Hande notices Lydik's confused expression and hurries to explain, ”Oh sorry, I'm so used to doing this I didn't realise it might be new to you. People start to applaud to a person if they've enjoyed their performance, usually something related to music, but it can be dancing, a speech or something like that. You really are playing well, thank you for this performance.”

Pleased with himself, Lydik grins widely to Hande. A chuckle escapes Hande's mouth, but it's a kindhearted one, so neither Lydik or Reidunn thinks anything of it. The magician seems to think for a moment, before she opens her mouth again, ”Lydik, have you made your fiddle yourself?”

The Nøkken nods in affirmative and Hande's face lits up again, ”That's wonderful! Unfortunately I can't make violins, but my uncle Paavo – he's the brother of my mother – has made mine. From what wood are your fiddle made of?”

The room is filled with Hande's questions, Lydik's tapping and Reidunn's interpreting. The atmosphere is completely relaxed which fills Reidunn with relief – she has been a little nervous when she noticed that her friends were uncomfortable, but now that they have warmed to each other, both of them are able to show their best sides which the huldra enjoys to watch. Lydik's expression grows brighter and brighter, now that he's able to talk about one of his passions with someone who actually understands the details.

After Hande has learned that Lydik has used Nøkken magic to make his fiddle waterproof she starts to wonder about differences between Nøkken and humans in general. The magician keeps eyeing Lydik curiously, trying to determine what kind of skin does the Nøkken have. Only if she could touch it... No, it's not appropriate to touch others! But what if I ask permission first? No! Hande tries her best to listen Reidunn, but she's buzzing with curiosity and it gets harder and harder to contain herself. She must know.

Before Hande can decide whether to open her mouth or keep silent, Lydik's eyes lock on hers. Ugh, he must've sensed I was ogling... She gives him a bashful smile which the Nøkken answers. Feeling a little more courageous, the magician blurts, ”Can I touch you?”

Reidunn turns to watch Hande, looking extremely surprised. Lydik's smile turns into an expression of confusion once more which causes Hande to wince. ”Ugh, sorry... That came out wrong... I meant to ask, if I can touch your skin, to try how it feels like? It seems like the texture of your skin is different from human skin... Of course you don't need to let me if you don't want to, my curiosity just took the best of me...”

Before Hande can start another ramble, Lydik holds out his arm to her, smiling encouragingly to her. Hande holds her tongue and glances at his arm, a little hesitant. ”Are you sure?” the magician asks to which Lydik only nods. Slowly Hande reaches out her right hand towards Lydik's arm. She lightly strokes his hardel with her forefinger a few times. ”I didn't expect it to be this soft,” she states absentmindedly, ”It feels like a skin of a lizard... Interesting...”

Sensing Lydik's pretty intense gaze on her, Hande becomes extremely self-conscious and lets go of Lydik's arm. The magician clears her throat and thanks Lydik for letting her inspect his skin. Then she looks like she just rememberd something and exclaims, ”How rude of me! I kept touching you like a test subject, but didn't offer the same for you. If you want, you can touch my arm.” While saying the last sentence, Hande holds her arm to Lydik in turn.

Lydik isn't quite sure what Hande meant with ”test subject”, but he touches Hande's arm, mimicking her previous movements. The magician's skin feels smooth under his fingers and only soft arm hair offers some texture to it. Lydik notices how the hair on Hande's arm rises up and her muscles tense up a little, so he stops stroking, cocking his head once again.

”Oh, it's okay. I just am not used to new acquaintances touching me,” Hande says bashfully, ”To be honest, usually I don't like being touched at all, if the person is not a close friend of mine or a family member. I was ready to make an exception because of my intrusiveness.”

Lydik is still watching Hande, feeling a little puzzled about how to response to her latest remark. He didn't feel the woman had been intrusive, she has asked permission. This has been the first time someone has asked permission to touch him before doing that, except for Reidunn. Hande has been nervous, yes, but she's also been kind and friendly to him, even though she has learned to fear his kind, if rightfully so.

Lydiks smiles at Hande and gives a clumsy pat on her shoulder with some pews. Reidunn swallows up a giggle and states, ”I think Lydik tries to say he likes you, Hande.”

Hande answers Lydik's smile. ”Thank you, Lydik,” she says sincerely, but after that her smile turns into a mischievious grin, ”I think you're okay... for a Nøkken.”

Everyone stays silent for a moment, but then Lydik starts chuffing which causes Reidunn and Hande to burst into laughter, as well. The atmosphere is full of warmth, and it looks like a magician and a Nøkken have found a friend from each other.

TRANSLATIONS:

¹ ”A Nøkken onto the ground, I into the water...”

² ”Holy shit, he's tall!”

#The Arcana #Arcana oc #Lydik #fan apprentice #Reidunn the Apprentice #Hande the Apprentice #fanfic #my writing #my work

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jobrookekarev · 3 years

Text

Little Moon Chapter 5

Chapter: Five of ?

Words: 1616

Summary: Luna and Joe go to the library where they read a book about adoption and Joe tells her the story of how she adopted Luna.

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy.

Characters: Jo Wilson, Luna Wilson/Ashton, Val Ashton.

Rating: General Audiences.

Additional Tags: Fluff, All the Fluff, Toddlers, Adoption, Libraries, Tiny Astronaut.

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

AN: As I'm getting back into the swing of things I'm hoping to start updating this at least once a month, especially with the new season!

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One of Jo's favorite places to take Luna was the library. Unfortunately, her toddler didn't have as much of an attention span as usual. At two years old, Luna had caught up developmentally with most of her peers, except for the occasional delay, but that was to be expected. Yet ever since she started walking, Jo had a hard time keeping her still. The one thing that Luna would sit down for, was books, specifically books about space.

Luna loved anything space related, including her pink tiny NASA suit that she insisted on wearing most days. So after a late night shift, only a few hours of sleep, and because she wanted a quiet day, Jo picked up her little pink astronaut, and they flew over to the library in the car/spaceship. Now they sat in between the shelves as Jo pulled out a couple of random books.

“This one looks nice,” Jo said, pulling out a book, but then she read the description.

It was an adoption story, and usually, Jo didn't get those out for Luna unless she had read them over first. When Jo had adopted Luna, she considered buying a book about adoption to help explain it all to her when she was older.

Jo remembered the adoption and foster story books she read as a child. She could have never imagined her parents willingly choosing to put her in that situation, but they did. The foster home she was in wasn't better like all the books promised they were. They weren't the loving families that all the books painted them to be. Instead of a forever home, she dreamed of her birth parents showing up and whisking her away, loving her the way someone should have.

Jo had sorted through millions of adoption story books. Unfortunately, most of them were religious. They often painted the birth mother as a woman who made the right choice to place the baby with their family, but Val didn't give Luna up willingly. She died and Jo never wanted to keep that fact from her daughter either.

No adoption or foster care kids' story was without pain. Jo’s was the pain of her birth father's assault and her mother's abandonment. Luna's was of her mother's death and her father’s disinterest. She wanted Luna to know that she is loved, that she was always loved, and that Val loved her and that Jo fought for her because she loved her too.

“Maybe not. Let’s pick another.”

“No, Mama,” Luna said, grabbing a book from where she sat and Jo's lap. “Read, read.”

Jo sighed and took another look at the book as she flipped it over and read the description before opening it up. This book seemed alright, so Jo flipped back to the first page and started reading it.

“Mommy and Daddy, Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born,” Jo began as she read the book to Luna. When she got to the page that had the baby laid out in actual size, Jo paused and smiled. “You were much smaller when you were born, you were this little.”

Jo showed Luna with her hands the size that she was, as Luna pointed to the baby on the page. “Big ‘aby.”

“Yeah, that is a big baby,” Jo said as Luna finally allowed her to turn the page, and she continued reading.

Once Jo finished the book, she put it in their stack to check out. After sorting through a few more books, the two of them walked out of the library with their collection. Jo held the bag of books and Luna held one book tightly against her chest. Despite living downtown, Jo often found herself hanging out in the Queen Anne neighborhood. It was safer and easier to hang out in, with more parks and things for the two of them to do. It also helped that she was close to Meredith and Link’s place. She put Luna in the stroller and started to walk the two blocks over to the park.

As they walked, Jo couldn't help, but remember the adoption story in the book and Luna's own birth and adoption story. Through the advice of others and from her own experience as a foster child, Jo never wanted to lie to Luna about how she came to adopt her. Still, that didn't change the story of how Luna came to be in the world.

She survived on her mom's liver and was born during a pandemic. Her mother loved her so much, but she never even got to hold her. Val died and she hadn’t gotten the chance to meet her daughter. Although Jo knew Luna before she was born and held her as soon and as much as she could, it didn't make things any easier. Jo had been telling Luna about Val. She made sure that Luna had a picture of Val in her nursery and that she knew her Mom’s name.

“Hey, Luna,” Jo said, leaning forward to see over the canopy of the stroller. “Do you want to know about your birth story and about your Mama Val?”

“Mama story,” Luna repeated with a nod, and Jo smiled down at her.

“Okay, so the day I met your mommy Val was in the middle of a crazy year where everybody had to wear masks to cover their faces. Your mommy had come to the hospital where I work because her tummy didn't feel good. That's when we found out you were in her tummy and not only that, you weren't where you're supposed to be. See, most babies grow in their mommy's uterus, but you were growing on your mommy's liver!”

“Li-er” Luna said as she tried out the word.

“Yes, Liver, you are my little liver baby,” Jo said, leaning forward again and tickling Luna’s side as she giggled. “But you weren't supposed to be on your mommy's liver, so we had to go in and get you, and you were so tiny when you were born. You weren't quite ready to be born yet, so we took you to the NICU, and that's where you lived for the first five months of your life. And your mommy Val, she loved you so much, but she...”

Jo faltered a little, she had always told Luna about her mom, but she had always brushed over the fact that Val had died. She turned the corner as they approached the park. She didn't want to introduce her daughter to death so soon, but she deserved to know what really happened, and Jo didn't want her thinking that Val walked out on her.

Jo looked down at Luna, who looked back up at her with big blue eyes, Val’s eyes. She looked so much like Val. They had the same blue eyes and white blonde hair. The same pointed little chin, and the same little nose. As Jo got to the park, she picked a bench and parked the stroller next to it.

She sat down so she could face Luna, taking her little hands and holding them. “Have I told you how little your hands were when you were born? They were the size of my fingertips and now look at how big they are.”

Luna smiled and laughed as she looked at their hands. “I big girl.”

“Yes, you are a big girl, and you look so much like your mommy Val, so beautiful and strong like your mommy, and you are stubborn and smart like me,” Jo said as she took a deep breath and looked down at their hands. “Your mommy Val couldn't stay here. She had to go to the great beyond, like in that movie we watched, do you remember?”

Luna nodded as they had watched the movie Soul with Scout and Meredith’s kids a few days ago, and Jo figured that if Luna was going to understand death, it needed to be at least age appropriate and not scary.

“Yeah, well just like in the movie, your mommy Val is in the great beyond, and that's why she's not here with us. That’s why I’m your mama, that’s why I went to the courthouse, and I asked them if I could keep you? And at first, they said no, but I wouldn't give up on you. I fought for you. I fought so hard because I love you so much, Luna, and I wanted to be your mama. Finally, I met with a special lawyer who helped me adopt you, and so we went back to the courts, and do you know what they said?”

Luna shook her head, but she smiled at Jo, a beautiful big smile that made the harshest of days become the happiest.

“They said that I could keep you forever, and so that's what I did. You're my daughter forever,” Jo said, lifting Luna up out of the stroller and holding her into the air. “You're mine forever, my Little Moon, and I love you so much.”

“Love you, Mama,” Luna said, puckering her lips, and Jo smiled as she gave her a peck.

“Alright, let's go play. You want to go on the swings?” Jo asked as Luna nodded and Jo carried her over to the swings.

They spent the rest of the afternoon at the park, and Luna smiled and laughed, and ran around just being the carefree child she could be. Jo was happy to give her that because, despite her rough start, her daughter had a happy childhood. That was what she wanted for Luna and she knew that was what Val wanted for her too. The day Val died, Jo promised her that she would take care of her daughter. That she would give her a happy childhood and a happy life, and Jo kept her promise.

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AN: My mother is adopted and when I was younger, I used to read the book “Mommy and Daddy Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born” by Jamie Lee Curtis. It mirrored my mother's adoption story, and that's how I came to understand that she was adopted. It didn't say that adoptive parents were better and what the birth mother could have given. Sometimes, like in Jo’s story, there is no better. Her foster parents were terrible, but her birth mom was in the midst of her depression and couldn't bear the sight of her, and I doubt she would have been able to take care of Jo. There were just two bad situations and a child stuck between them. I'm really glad that Jo got the chance to adopt Luna and be better and do better for her daughter. That's part of why I love this series.

#jo wilson #luna ashton #val ashton #grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy fanfic #my work #my writing #my fanfiction #luna wilson

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cat--ann · 3 years

Text

.flow

I just finished playing through .flow, so I think I’ll try to give my full thoughts and interpretations on a lot of I found and experienced in the game (in the form of a series of points, because my thoughts are scattered even at the best of times).

for now I will be just be tackling characters roughly in order of how relevant I believe them to be to Sabitsuki’s life and experiences, while I will talk about Sabitsuki (and, by extension, Rust) at a later time.

CHARACTERS:

Black-Haired Girl / Onigo: Sabitsuki’s life began with a death. Specifically, the death of her mother. Onigo represents the very few things Sabitsuki both remembers about her mother (her distinctive long black hair and blue dress) and what she was told by the hospital staff (the fact that she died giving birth to Sabitsuki). The reason why she dies so often in the game itself (childbirth event, every time you encounter her as Rust) is because thats all Sabitsuki can relate her with. Sabitsuki also likely feels guilt in relation to "causing” her mother’s death, as she manifests the idea in the form of the incredibly visceral Childbirth Event.

Oreko: Sabitsuki’s childhood friend, another child who either “lived” in the hospital like Sabitsuki or simply another kid who met Sabitsuki during a time she was in the hospital. Oreko would grow interested in technology and machines as she grew older, eventually becoming something of a mechanic/scientist (though Sabitsuki likely never exactly understood what Oreko’s machines were, which is probably was she internalized them as looking quite bizarre and scary). She also likely had a very big interest in the seas, explaining why she wears the divers helmet and why Sabitsuki associates her with the ocean. Oreko was Sabitsuki’s only companion in any sense throughout the majority of her life, someone who was there for Sabitsuki no matter how much abuse Sabi sustained from society or no matter how bad Sabi’s illness got. Unfortunately, Oreko’s life would eventually be cut short. Sabitsuki most likely never figured out how her best friend perished and was likely in denial about it for some time before making peace with it (Finding Oreko’s ghost requires interacting with her “alive” self a decent amount, and the area her specter is found in is relatively calm compared to most other areas containing significant characters). Oreko’s final appearance to Rust in deadhole could be the last remaining shred of “normal” Sabitsuki having one last memory of her best friend, before she disappears and only Rust remains.

School Girl/Kaibutsu Sabitsuki: Sabitsuki’s manifestation of what she once was/fears she could become again, the one who was harmed by and later took revenge on Smile and the one Sabitsuki is always running from to some extent. School was likely a very, very bad time for Sabitsuki on a personal level, possibly due to Oreko’s death (though there isn’t anything that really indicates when Oreko’s death happened in relation to Sabitsuki’s life so it could be for any currently unknown reason). Kaibutsu Sabitsuki is what Sabitsuki remembers herself as during that time: a violent monster who hurt the only person Sabitsuki was even remotely close to at the time.

Smile: Though Smile is obviously a very significant person in Sabitsuki’s life, exactly what their relationship was and Smile’s history in general is very vague. His appearance in Disposal is likely a representation of his first meeting with Sabitsuki, as he isn’t wearing his usual outfit and lacks his tattoos (their appearance while as Rust may just be because Rust always sees Smile as his “true” self) and seems to react to Sabitsuki’s presence with mild confusion more then anything else. They later met properly during school, where by this point Smile had gained his tattoos and they obviously had formed a relationship of some sort (whether it was just an acquaintanceship, a friendship, or something more significant isn’t exactly clear but Smile was at least comfortable enough around Sabitsuki to have her visit his house and meet his sister). Unfortunately, their ambiguous relationship didn’t last. Sabitsuki’s corrupted school event shows what I believe is likely the end of their relationship and the last time they ever interacted with eachother. For one reason or another, and I suspect the cause was likely Sabitsuki herself, Smile attacked Sabi in the basement of the school. On a personal level, Sabitsuki likely viewed this as an injustice against herself (even if Smile was likely only doing what had to be done) which is why Rust later imagines herself getting revenge against the boy.

The Cleaners: The Cleaners are people who “clean up” (i.e. kill) those with the illness Sabitsuki suffers from. At some point in the past, they massacred the residents of the hospital Sabitsuki was staying in (as seen in 0.16) but left her alive for whatever reason, taking her away to live an actual life beyond the hospital walls. Why they spared Sabitsuki specifically isn’t something I can explain really, but its possible she was simply much less far along in her illness compared to the others and had the potential to be “saved”. Sabitsuki likely doesn’t view the Cleaners as a threat or “enemies” as it were and rather seems fairly neutral about them despite understanding what they do on some level (as seen by obtaining the limbless effect from one’s chainsaw). The Cleaners also had a second purpose asides from their main directive: working at the Sugar Hole (or whatever its “real” equivalent may be). Given Sabitsuki’s fondness of the place (it being one of very few areas in .flow that aren’t directly threatening or foreboding in some way), its possible The Cleaners brought her to the Sugar Hole shortly after leaving the Hospital with Sabi.

The Girl In The Yellow Dress: Buried far in Sabitsuki’s subconscious are the few memories focused on a mysterious girl known only for her faded, dirty yellow dress. Though not strictly always buried far beneath (being seen in Deterioration very easily while smoking in the hall) and never reacting to Sabi’s presence, she is clearly someone Sabitsuki lost tragically and has done her best to bury all the remaining memories of. So, who is this girl? Though my theory is abit shakier thanks to just how vague a character she is, I believe the Yellow Dress Girl to have been a sex worker who briefly acted as Sabitsuki’s caretaker before she somehow met her end. Maybe through knowing the Cleaners somehow or just being in the right place at the right time, this girl ended up as the guardian to a young Sabitsuki. Working as a prostitute (either already her job or something she took up to support Sabitsuki), the young Sabitsuki grew to genuinely appreciate this girl as a motherly figure and they briefly shared a legitimately nice life together (as seen in the “sugar float days” event). However, it didn’t last, and thanks to the darker side of her job creeping up and taking over her life, the Yellow Dress Girl ended up separated from Sabitsuki and possibly even dead. Sabitsuki, unable to properly deal with the trauma of losing someone who did so much for her and she held so dearly, repressed the memories of her and pushed the Yellow Dress Girl into the furthest points of her mind, where memories of the good times were fleeting and brief while memories of the end lingered unchanging.

Little Sabitsuki: Little Sabitsuki is fairly self-explanatory: she represents how Sabitsuki remembers herself as a child, either weak and bedridden (hospital), or lost and forgotten (snow world). Little Sabi’s condition worsening as regular Sabitsuki’s does could represent just how sick Sabi truly believes she is, unable to see even her past self as anything but diseased and broken. Sabitsuki never got to experience a “proper” childhood, she has no memories beyond the hospital, the overgrown halls, and the cold.

The Inner Demon: Underneath it all, this is how Sabitsuki truly sees herself. A bloody, diseased demon who exists only to cause suffering to both the world and people around her, aswell as her self. A manifestation of all of Sabitsuki’s sins and wrongdoings in the form of a dark mirror, buried so far deep within Sabitsuki’s subconscious the idea of confronting it leads Sabi to vomit her own blood in anxiety and terror. Only once Sabitsuki sheds her sense of self and becomes Rust can she properly confront her demon. The years and years of self-loathing building up from her birth, to her disease, to the loss of her friends, to the loss of control, to the loss of her self, leads Rust to perform a metaphorical suicide as she beats the demon to death as the final action taken in her own subconscious.

Kaibutsu: What Sabitsuki fears she will become should her illness completely take over. They take the form of grown-up versions of her fellow children at the hospital, possibly meaning that she believes all of them would be doomed to become a Kaibutsu, or perhaps that she saw multiple children become Kaibutsu at the hospital.

Fetuses: Sabitsuki’s physical manifestation of her illness, only appearing by the time Rust takes over (as while Sabitsuki rejects and is terrified of the illness, Rust embraces it).

Takibi-san: A homeless girl Sabitsuki spent a small amount of time around after leaving the hospital. Sabi mostly remembers her thanks to Takibi’s distinctive pink hair, a very uncommon trait in .flow’s world.

While this is all for now, I do plan to do a similar analysis for Sabitsuki and Rust. If that goes well enough and I still feel up to it afterwards, I will do another two analysises for the maps and the effects.

#.flow #smile #oreko #smile (.flow)#analysis #.flow (game)#sabitsuki #rust #.flow spoilers #spoilers #theory

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awyeahitssam · 4 years

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Bakery!AU, werewolf Stiles Stilinski, no Hale fire. Working Title: No Shoes, No Shirts, No Fucks Given

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the woods, the bark of a large tree stump digging into his bare back.

Looks down.

Notes that he’s butt naked, though the sensation of twigs and leaves in uncomfortable places could’ve clued him in well enough without the visual input.

Groans.

“Fucking seriously? I knew I should’ve stuck to city life.”

He’s been a werewolf for nine weeks, and it’s the first time he’s left Berkeley since he was bitten. His dad had heavily hinted that he wanted him home for winter break months ago, and back then Stiles had been eager to agree.

That was Before. After, he just felt a crawling anxiety.

It was his dad. There was no way Noah wouldn’t notice something different about Stiles. He was a cop, trained to be observant, and in the past Stiles might have been fine but Noah had really stepped up his parenting game in Stiles’ junior year. He was hardly an absent father these days, which seemed like a bad thing for the first (okay, fifth) time.

Point being that Stiles took his finals, packed his shit, and decided to drive the two and a half hours back to Beacon Hills on about zero hours of sleep. Because he was an adult and could do what he wanted, and he wanted to be home two days sooner than promised, before his dad could throw out whatever incriminating shit was in the fridge.

After nearly falling asleep twice in about eighty minutes, Stiles ceded, pulled into a rest stop, and decided on a nap before continuing on. He had been taught to drive by three separate police officers, and besides that wasn’t dumb enough to keep himself in a situation that would have him crashing into a pole.

Key word being keep himself in, because he sure as heck would put himself in it during some manic burst of energy.

So he wasn’t super sure about the moral of this story. Don’t pass out at a rest stop, you’ll be kidnapped, stripped, and dumped in a forest?

More like: being a werewolf sucked ass.

The only footprints that he could see were his own, and his feet were bare but undamaged, coated in several layers of dirt.

Stiles groaned, standing and relishing the pop of his spine. Then he picked a direction.

Started walking.

It takes Stiles about half an hour to find his way out of the woods, and by that time he’s recognized it as the Beacon Hills preserve. Maybe it was a Stiles thing, or more likely it was a werewolf thing (because Stiles liked a brand new excuse to blame everything on as much as the next guy), but this was no half-assed form of sleepwalking. He had gone at least sixty miles.

It took another twenty minutes of jogging to make his way into town. His dad’s house would be another forty or so, and increased body temperature or not, he’s freezing.

He sees a light on and goes for it, because whatever happens can’t be worse than being caught half-naked and covered in dirt by the old lady next door who babysat him when he was little.

It’s a bakery, less than six months old since Stiles hasn’t been home in that long and it wasn’t here last time. His dad had probably mentioned it in passing, but Stiles can’t remember for the life of him.

Most importantly, when he pushes the door (completely bypassing the ‘Closed’ sign) it budges open, bell chiming over the entryway. A sharp-eyed man looks up from the counter, mouth already open to snap something, and his words fall away in the face of Stiles pathetic state.

“Look man, I know the sign says ‘No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service.’ but I just had the weirdest night and your shop is the only building with lights on this early and I’m really, really hoping you have some spare clothes behind the counter.”

Stiles stares the dark-haired baker down hopelessly, giving his best doe eyes, and says, “Help?”

It’s not something he’s used to asking for, but put in this situation there’s not much else to do.

For the longest moment the man just stares into Stiles’ eyes, but then he takes a deep breath and the crease between his brows eases.

“Come with me,” he sighs, raising the counter so Stiles can follow him into the back of the shop. “Wouldn’t want the Sheriff’s son to be arrested for public indecency, would we?”

Stiles tries not to bristle, because there are several officers on duty (two of which he had dodged on his way) and the guy seems like he’s about to help him out. Besides, something about the man’s presence is settling, and his frazzled mind finally seems to be focusing for the first time in days.

Of course, it gets a little sketchy when that focus extends to him memorizing the scent of the guy’s shampoo and hearing his heartbeat like a loud, steady drum directly in his ear. Stiles is trying to wrangle in his super senses when a pair of sweatpants and a white tee are shoved into his arms. He turns to blink up at the man, who’s tugging his button up back on sans undershirt, and shifts awkwardly.

“Uh, thanks,” Stiles rasps, and swallows when he realizes how hoarse his voice sounds for the first time.

“Change in here,” the man says curtly, showing Stiles to the employee restroom. “We’ll talk when you’re done.”

Stiles nods, entering the bathroom with a heavy sense of trepidation. He’s going to have a hard time explaining this away, and he knows it. Still, he’s earned a reputation as ‘silvertongue’ at college, and not just because Loki was his favorite Marvel character and Stiles was good with his mouth.

He dresses slowly, bits of a plan coming together as he wipes the dirt from his feet with a damp paper towel and washes his hands. By the time he exits he looks somewhat presentable, mostly in that he’s no longer naked and doesn’t have dirt streaking his face, legs, and feet.

He hears movement towards the front of the shop, and spares a longing glance towards what he assumes in the back door, but before he can make a move the baker pops his head around the corner, eyes narrowed.

“I made tea,” he announces, and it sounds bizarrely threatening. “Come join me.”

Stiles flashes him a sheepish (and one-hundred-percent false) smile and follows him out to one of the tables. They sit.

“So, uh, thanks for the clothes—I’ll wash them and bring them back here tomorrow, if that’s cool?”

The man shrugs ambivalently, but his eyes are sharp and heavy as he regards Stiles. “That’s acceptable. Care to explain your nude jaunt through the night?”

“It’s morning,” Stiles quips back, mouth quicker than his brain, and winces preemptively, waving his hand through the air as though to dismiss his automatic snark. “No, ignore that, I’m rude and yeah, you kinda deserve an explanation here.”

Stiles sighs heavily, looking to the ceiling as if asking for some otherworldly assistance, before crossing his hands and looking back to Peter with faux seriousness. “No one in the history of ever should agree to a drunken carpool with frat boys.”

The guy’s eyebrows raise.

“Not, like, drunk driving carpool. This was more of a everyone-but-the-driver-is-wasted-after-finals-and-the-driver-can’t-turn-down-a-good-bet-to-save-his-life kind of situation. And, if you aren’t following, I was the driver.”

It's a simple enough part for Stiles to play. Stupid college student gets in over his head. Sheriff’s Kid - Bad Again? Cliches exist for a reason.

Stiles falls into his role flawlessly, blushing and wincing and laughing awkwardly at all the right points. He pulls experiences from his life to make the emotions more genuine, though some part of him still feels distant and amused by the whole situation. It’s probably the same part of Stiles that cackles at the misfortune of others and thinks morbid things at the least appropriate times.

So yes, Stiles is caught up in the lie, but he’s also monitoring the guy for a reaction. Nothing about his countenance seems to indicate disbelief so it’s a good bet this is working. Stiles was seven when he taught himself to be a good liar.

Becoming a werewolf just made him a great one. The ability to smell whether somebody was buying his shit or not was invaluable.

And really, who would admit to such a preposterous and embarrassing tale if it wasn’t true?

“—and now that you’ve got enough material to blackmail me for life, what even is your name?”

The guy, who had stared at him steadily through his rant, scent fluctuating between incredulity, amusement, and irritation, tapped neat nails on the table between them. “I’m ever-so hurt you don’t already know it, but very well. It’s Peter.”

Stiles cocked a brow.

“Hale.”

Stiles blinked, because Hale was not only a name he knew from childhood, but one that had popped up in his extensive research into his sudden lycanthropy.

And this guy couldn’t be serious.

“Oh? Any relation to Talia Hale?”

The man smirks. Stiles wonders if he can smell his building irritation at the thought that—

“Oh yes, Alpha Hale is my older sister.”

Good god.

“Did you seriously just sit there listening to my ode on the tribulations of being a dumb college kid for shits and giggles?”

Peter shrugs loosely. “I wanted to see if you could lie convincingly, and it seems you can.”

Stiles’ exhaustion and grumpiness began to peek through the need to protect his secret. He had to find his car, figure out what led to the sleepwalking and how to prevent it in the future, and determine whether or not he was going to be attacked for entering another pack's territory despite having grown up there.

He also had one million questions about the whole ‘how to werewolf’ issue, but he’d been doing fine on his own so far and Stiles hated asking for help. Especially from someone that practically reeked of smugness.

Stiles wrinkled his nose, huffed, and stood. “Thanks for the outfit, I’ll bring it back tomorrow morning.”

He turned to the door, and for a moment Peter let him live in the delusion that he could walk out without a word.

“You know, sweetheart, your life is going to be difficult if you can’t even tell a born were from your average human.”

Stiles stalled, glancing back. It was a good point. Stiles had been in the same high school as Cora Hale for four years and never even suspected. Clearly he wasn’t as observant as he liked to think.

“My life is already pretty difficult, darling. Are you just pointing out what’s evident, or offering a solution?”

Peter made a thoughtful humming sound, watching him expectantly, and Stiles scoffed. “Yeah, I thought not.”

Whatever this man wanted from him, Stiles wasn’t interested.

He was halfway out the door when Peter asked, “Would you like a ride?”

Stiles grit his teeth and tried to think logically. He couldn’t show up at his dads sans jeep, and he really didn’t fancy walking the sixty plus miles to find it.

Still, “Don’t you have a shop to open?”

#steter drabble #steter #peter/stiles #STILES/PETER #alpha stiles #naked vision quests #(No not actually)#Pre-Slash #first ‘chapter’ and Peter has already seen Stiles naked #wolf whistles

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tosikoarts · 4 years

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SFW Alphabet | Koito Otonoshin

WAP reference? In my SFW alphabet? More likely than you think. You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

First of all, everybody in the radius of two kilometers knows that Koito has fallen in love. He isn’t loud about it but it is written all over his smug face 24/7: when he starts daydreaming about them (which he does a lot), faint blush covers swarthy cheeks and his eyes fixate at the farthest point on the horizon. Tsukishima has to call three times before the Second Lieutenant finally notices his presence.

Okay, maybe, he is a little louder than was previously stated. Koito hasn’t had a lot of love experience so for him it is a bumpy road of trials and errors. Considering his behavior in front of First Lieutenant Tsurumi, easy to imagine how he awkwardly stutters in the crush’s presence, switching between native Satsuma dialect and classical Japanese. As they grow closer, nervousness dies down, and Koito finally talks like normal people do! Oh, he is such a show-off. However, he is a sweetheart as well so his talk comes across as a nice kid trying to be overly cool. Makes tons of compliments but can’t take any himself. No, he does. No, he doesn’t. Koito is a mess that thinks about small compliments for weeks. You say he looks nice with hair parted down the middle and this young man never goes back to his previous haircut.

It is serious when Koito starts rapturously venting to Tsukishima about them. At first, Otonoshin starts asking subtle questions not to seem too inexperienced. Then he asks for advice on how to dress, what to give as a present, how to act in general. If there are any problems in the relationship, Koito will 100% craw to his Sergeant for help.

One of the first and generally the main way of affection for Koito is giving pricy presents. Even when he is trying not to flex on wealth, it comes across as disguised bragging. Gifts given are always unique and of quality, so there is no reason to be indignant.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

His best friend has to be either someone from childhood or the Imperial Japanese Army Academy. Koito won’t befriend anyone in the actual military (except one exhausted Sergeant) since he has a fear of becoming a career trampoline.

Koito squanders the money on entertainment with no remorse and no shame. If he gets a new Western-style suit, his best friend will receive one in the mail too. On nights out Koito generously pays for the food and drinks, saying that they will pay next time but the next time never actually comes. There is some money in his bank account, why not spend it?

His best friend automatically becomes a part of his family and friend of Tsukishima. Koito doesn’t ask, he confidently states it. If they for some reason do not want to be close with the listed contingent, Koito faces cognitive dissonance and, notwithstanding, tries to improve relations between them.

Koito is not a stranger to gossiping and petty drama. He doesn’t get involved ever since his family has a status to maintain, but he knows what skeletons are hidden in the neighbors’ bedroom closet. His best friend hears the phrase “You won’t believe what I know” more often than “First Lieutenant is so amazing”. By the way, yes, Koito is still that fangirl and they have to deal with it.

Eh, you can’t rely on him in troubles, though. He will unapologetically push the blame on another person to stay an innocent good boy that was accidentally dragged in the mess, but he will make amends after the noise dies down.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He is so touchy-touchy-lovey-dowey, oh my god, just like you would expect from a touched-starved young man. Koito has no problems with PDA, he enjoys gazes fixed on him, so it is not uncommon to see him with the partner on the lap. Tsukishima learned to turn a blind eye and do some extra work to give the Second Lieutenant more time with his loved one. Koito prefers spooning to any other position so he can press them against his chest and fall asleep in their warmth. Sweetheart cradle is the second-best option but, honestly, Koito is down to anything that includes any of his limbs resting on their body.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Too young (especially in the mental sphere) to think about settling down. He is 20 years old or something, right? Koito doesn’t even know what he wants, what his principles are, what his life guidelines are, so no, there’s no way he thinks about settling down any time soon. Perhaps in 3-5-10 years, after his father knocks some sense into the guy, Koito will come to the conclusion that it's time for a new chapter in his life but definitely not now. Oh, also, he is useless in the household. He can’t cook, he can’t clean (and he can’t tell how he got this ring).

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

That doesn’t go well at all. Pangs of conscience do not give him the chance to pretend and delay the moment for too long but Koito can’t just say “yeah, that’s it” and walk away as nothing happened either. He chooses the most feckless option – cruelly distancing himself and making them lose interest in the relationship. Once the decision is made, there’s no going back. Koito's interest in his military career rises significantly and, suddenly, he is always busy disciplining juniors, taking additional trips wherever First Lieutenant sends him, surprising everybody with an overwhelming passion for small arms… Yeah, I’d say that boy sus.

If the time spent apart doesn’t kill their fire, Koito will go full mean mode and start acting like a literal jerk. It’s small comments that hurt the most: he finds them too loud or too quiet, too touchy or too cold, yadda yadda. Unreasonable ostentatious attacks of jealousy? Hell yes. His goal is to get on their nerves even if it means still small voice will whisper what a terrible person he is. Regrets the childish behavior months later but won’t admit it no matter what. Fights the desire to crawl back to them for a year or so.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

It's too early to talk about it. Again, he is standing on the doorstep of real-life and significant changes like getting married and starting a family are not even close to his vision of the future. Koito hesitates much and overthinks more so there is no point in waiting for a proposal in the first two years of a relationship. There are vulnerable moments when he doubts his own suitability for marriage. They may lead either to deep conversations with psychological aspects (remember the gnawing feeling of being a family failure?) or to abrupt distancing but in both cases, Koito pulls himself together and remembers: if such an amazing person chose him among another than he must be special.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

One of the few soldiers who were left damaged but not broken, so gentleness does not just smolder, but burns in Koito's heart. When it comes to being gentle, he is a physical manifestation of fondness: it beams from his eyes, radiates from his touch, and hides in his choice of the words. Someone may find it inconsistent, but brutality outside the battlefield, in any type of relationship, seems unnecessary to him as well. In a physical sense, Koito is quite remarkable in his raring, so his actions can come off a little sloppy, rushed, and aggressive.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Exciting hugs! Koito trembles from the top of his head to the tips of the toes when he gets a chance to hug his loved one even if it is the tenth time this day. Most often, he starts with a fast welcome kiss on the cheek before pulling them into the tight embrace: it is heartwarming but never the same, which makes a person wanting to come back for another dose of unconditional love. Koito is down to hug at any time of the day, of the week, of the month and, honestly, he sees it as one of the most gentle and innocent expressions of affection.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Blurts it out by accident after half of a year of stale dating. The delightful feeling of sentiment overwhelmed him to the point of blinding adoration so Koito couldn’t stop himself from an unexpected confession. With head resting on his hands and cheek muscles twitching from the continuous wide silly smiling, Koito just blurted out what came to his mind at the moment, realizing what that was a few seconds later. To avoid embarrassment at all costs, he played dumb even though everything was written on his face in bright red color. Whatever. Conscious confession isn’t that easy. He is full of love but translating it in an understandable voiced statement is freaking work.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Whether he is a witness to his loved one being a flirt or his loved being hit on, Koito is l i v i d. In the first case scenario, his ego is hurt so badly, he storms from the room to avoid throwing a tantrum right there on the spot. Any attempts to speak with him after what happened result in loud indisputable “don’t touch me” and silent treatment for a good week or so. The mere thought of being replaceable terrifies poor Koito, it forces him into unhealthy coping like acting demonstratively independent and detached to show them he can do it solo. We’ll pretend it is not a desperate tactic to punish them, ok ok. When his love is being hit on, Koito does not even assess the situation. He rushes to the partner to save the day, steps between them and another person, laughs it off, and asks his rival if there’s any problem. Usually, confrontation is pretty effective against unwelcome suitors. Thank god, because Koito wouldn’t want to get physical anyway.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Awwww, have you ever imagined yourself as a teacher? Too bad because as much as passionate he is, Koito is hopeless. Literally. Lack of experience affects his (non-existing) technique. Couldn’t figure out he had to open his lips for a French kiss, leave alone any abstruse tricks, and knowledge of more sensitive spots to pay attention to. All preferences in the form of instructions have to be said aloud: Koito may act like he doesn’t need them, he is so cool and mature, and only losers need to be guided, but in reality, the opposite is true. Thanks to the above-mentioned features, his favorite kisses vary from pecks on the cheek to thigh and hand kisses but they never include kisses on the lips. If the partner is the same height or taller, he prefers to be kissed on the temple and top of his head. In other cases, doesn’t have any preferences.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

There are times when you have to do what you have absolutely no idea how to do, and it perfectly describes Koito’s relationships with kids. Somehow, they are on the same level but at different poles: he would rather cry because of how annoying capricious baby is than find any way to calm them down. Changing a dirty diaper is a challenge like no other, and going to the continent for a little girl protected by the company of bloodthirsty, armed to the teeth veterans sounds a lot easier (and not so disgusting) than babysitting a single baby. Older children are fine if they know how to keep themselves occupied and out of the sight. On his watch, there is always a small chance that the house will catch fire or the most active child will break their arm. Requires obligatory supervision of a more experienced babysitter.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

No one is leaving the bed in the morning. Sleeping in is inevitable. Do not plan anything for the first part of the day because if Koito chooses to devote the weekends to the lovely company of his partner that means he will squeeze every single second spent together out of it. It doesn’t matter what they do in the bed, like cuddling, talking, doing something spicy (youtube censorship much?) as long as they remain under a warm blanket. Koito giggles a lot catching their soft gaze on his lips, tickles them when silence falls. If the couple stays in the family house, servants are ordered to prepare the tastiest breakfast with gourmet chai tea as well as to find possible entertainment for the day.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

The end of the day is the last opportunity to let off steam before getting into a slower pace, and, finally, going to bed. To no surprise, Koito prefers activities aimed at the work of muscles and not of brains. Nothing too extreme though. Horseback riding is a common pastime if they are not in the mood for anything else. In other cases, Koito offers to play cricket in the summertime and go ice-skating in winter but his all-time favorite is swimming in sun-warmed waters of a crystal clear river. Despite the cold underwater currents winding around the ankles, Koito can swim in circles for hours without letting his loved one go ashore. If they are up for a challenge, competitions for who can hold their breath longer and swim to the other side faster are always a choice.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

As soon as they let Koito know that they are interested (doesn’t matter in him personally or in him speaking), the dam breaks. He is ready to talk about anything, from how the day was to the meaning of life, the role of the monarchy in the future of Japan, and what influence Heinojou’s death had on him. So to say, Koito sees no problem in opening up early in the relationship. There are no forbidden topics in his mind except, maybe, what is so below the beltline: starting any intimate conversation reduces Koito to a red stammering (in Satsuma dialect of course) mess. It gets better with time.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Chill enough? Not in the Tsukishima’s sense of “I have seen too much shit in my life so I am no longer surprised by anything and I expect nothing as well” but in a cheery and optimistic outlook. If he breaks a plate or cup, it is a reason to buy a new one, not to throw a tantrum on how Japan no longer makes quality dishes. How boring life would be without nuisances, huh? However, Koito immediately blows off when it comes to serious matters like life-threatening situations. Overall? Absolute ray of sunshine, anger is unnecessary, keep calm and take it easy.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Remembers nothing but anniversaries’ dates. Seriously. Don’t expect Koito to compliment your eyes’ color, he doesn’t remember it. Favorite food or place? Did you mention them at all? Hm. Blame it on the charm of the moment that hypnotized Koito and sent him into oblivion. He doesn't bother himself with writing down any facts and details and is visibly surprised if the partner expresses frustration with his forgetfulness.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Perhaps it will be a surprise but the most memorable moment for Koito would be doing “bad stuff” together. As for a person, who has not yet emerged from cheerful adolescence, drinking, smoking cigarettes, and, who would have thought, opium together leaves a weird feeling of agitation and gaiety. Hiding with the partner in crime, bottle covered under the lieutenant's coat as if he is some kind of thief, is something Koito won’t ever get used to. He drinks and mumbles gibberish then pulls his loved one closer for some sloppy smooches that never work out: someone keeps missing lips and laughing like a goofball after every failure.

Smoking opium, which happened exactly one time, was the complete opposite of previous experience. They ended up in semi-darkness in a distant room with artfully painted paraphernalia and one carved pipe that was passed back and forth for the whole night. An intoxicating sense of calm and emptiness hit Koito in the head as he was watching his loved one fusing with the thin lilac smoke: a situation they were in was too bizarre to be real but magical too so he had no right to complain. Memories of that night stayed with him for the whole life but Koito never had a desire to go for a smoke again.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

For the sake of justice, Koito has a protective side, but the carefree character often overshadows it. He meets dangerous situations in conditions where one large group of opponents confront another so everyone covers each other's back. When Koito has to fight one on one he can fully rely on the own strength and reactions but when there is someone to protect things get messy really fast.

Koito is ready to cover them with his body to save from a whistling bullet but this thought comes from a place of “I can’t come up with a plan what do I do what do I do” and not from rational thinking or self-devotion in the name of love. Nah, boy just no thoughts, head empty but HEART FULL.

Would want to be protected as well? He has no problem being viewed as one who needs help. Won’t want them to act recklessly though, exchanging their life for his isn’t fair a bit.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Youthful maximalism and all-encompassing love push Koito to new feats every day: he racks his head over which place to choose for a date, should he buy them expensive things or no because what if they look at him as at tasteless braggart, maybe, he should have not brought a bouquet today, maybe, he is too annoying… At the beginning of the relationship, he is excessively enthusiastic and scarred to mess everything at the same time. Often this mixture leads to an awkward situation but with some guidance, Koito calms down and begins to feel a partner on an intuitive level. Anniversaries will still be celebrated on a grand scale though. He has literally no chill when told to make that one day special. Lacks consistency when it comes to everyday tasks: either puts all of his effort in building a stool or does nothing the whole day.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

The bloated ego doesn’t seem a big problem at first but it keeps popping up now and then in the conversation and overall behavior. Again, it is not even close to megalomaniac extend but can be pretty annoying when Koito keeps putting himself in every story and boasting with every minor achievement.

Not the most independent, kinda clingy guy that needs somebody that he can always rely on. We have already seen Tsukishima's fate and this is what awaits for the person who decides to tie the knot with him.

LOUD. SO LOUD. DEAFENING! If you think Koito would lower the voice down or, for the frick’s sake, stop screeching but no! Excited? Yell! Scarred? Yell! Surprised? Yell! I can see him screaming louder than his newborn baby shocking midwives in the maternity hospital. Pray to God that it is not inherited.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not to call him obsessed, but Koito takes good care of himself and tries to be attractive in the eyes of others. He may spend a little bit too much time staring in the mirror during the mourning routine, brushing hair locks just the exact way he wants them to be. Several creams are lying in the drawer of his nightstand and Koito replenishes its stock with enviable regularity. Of course, he looks sharp: when circumstances do not oblige Second Lieutenant to strict dress code, he pulls off well-tailored looks, both traditional Japanese and Westernized ones. Just imagine him dressed to kill, wearing an all-leather long car coat with skintight gloves. Koito is too powerful in his handsomeness.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Has zero knowledge of how to handle break-up and that pretty much describes what a hell ride it will be for Koito. Obviously, the violent reaction is accompanied by complete confusion, he is at a loss for words and can’t find the right ones even in the Satsuma dialect. Well, if he had a gut feeling that they are planning on leaving later or sooner, Koito would lash out at them in the worst way possible: every wrongdoing suddenly transforms into hidden signs confirming that he was not loved at all, never ever. He makes a loud scene with eyes brimming, screams whatever nonsense comes to mind to stop them from speaking further. No explanation can overpower his growing resentment. If break-up comes up out of a blue, Koito remains silent, listening to whatever they have to say. None of the words makes any sense to him and there is nothing he can tell or ask. Nothing makes sense. He sighs while rubbing his temples, eyes shut tight to separate from the world as much as possible, and turn down the white noise coming out of their mouth. Koito leaves without saying a word with a plan to avoid them in the next few weeks.

In the case of their death, Koito is in no hurry at breakneck speed to take revenge but that definitely doesn’t mean he is indifferent. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and even such a hothead as angered Koito is can wait for a better moment to strike.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Since Koito joined the army, celebrations turned from long-awaited days into in minor verbal congratulations aaaand that’s all. The atmosphere is just not the same. In the beginning, he tried to keep head up but general disinterest killed his vibes and left him bitter.

The only person who does not mind supporting the Second Lieutenant is Tsukishima: he gladly watches Koito happily screaming as he launches a colorful kite into the air, joins playing hanetsuki and sugoroku on Japanese New Year, once he even gave Koito pochibukuro as a joke. Otonoshin was merry and embarrassed at the same time since, you know, pochibukuro is given to kids, not adult men who shoot people for a living.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Mysterious silent people aren’t the company Koito can tolerate. He hadn’t had a good experience with Ogata back in the 7th Division and doesn’t see himself with anyone hiding behind a duplicitous smile.

Scolding Koito for his frivolity won’t do anything good, quite the contrary, it will force him into acting withdrawn in their presence. Attempts to change Koito are pointless since action generates opposition: the more he is told to be a serious man, the more infantile he will become.

By the way, it is important for Koito to see a class in his surrounding. He himself carries an elusive aesthetic so lack of taste and sense of beauty is a bummer. Good thing they can be acquired just like other skills.

Comparison. Do not compare Koito to anyone, ever. His father probably did it a lot back in the days when talking about Heinojou’s success so Otonoshin became allergic to any “you are just like/you act like/you look like/wish you were like” comments.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

The most normal person in the 7th Division when it comes to sleeping. There’s literally nothing to describe: Koito falls asleep fast, he doesn’t have any problems with falling asleep or waking up, doesn’t use any medication, doesn’t have any evening rituals. Dreams are a rarity. Loves to sleep with someone by the side, so he can hug a person from behind with both arm and leg, and if the place next to him is cold and empty, Koito may hug a pillow or rolled blanket.

#golden kamuy #golden kamuy imagine #golden kamuy headcanon #koito otonoshin #tosikowrites

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