#I have been exhausted for years

[dusky-cathedral]

November 15: Burning

-tw: parent death, religion

Sitting in my car in the parking lot, another text of revelation fired off with trembling fingers to my (so kind, exceptionally patient and understanding) partner. The realizations have been getting worse since my father passed away, but the car rides to work seem to be the only free time I have where I can just think uninterrupted so it's to be expected. 

-it's always been a race to starvation in my life.

How to be the child that needs nothing, that can survive on air, that can give and give and give without fatigue and look Holy while doing so? The eucharist dissolving on my tongue is a bitter pill to swallow, but sacrifice is the highest form of love, isn't it? 

So I did. Fully parentified at nine, eager and willing, changing diapers and desperately trying to keep a house in order while Mom worked late and Dad convalesced. Drying myself off with washcloths because the full size, fluffy towels were reserved for my mother, she works so hard, you wouldn't understand, making myself as useful and self-sufficient as possible, meticulously crushing my young heart into a tiny, creased ball of adult worry. 

The eternal burden of being a child that was a burden, listening to late night conversations I wasn't supposed to hear, pulling the shoebox out from beneath my bed while my siblings slept and counting out the change I had saved with trembling fingers that are oh so familiar now, wondering in childish naivete whether my offering would be enough to stop the fighting. 

I have spent (notably, anyway) the last five years burning myself to death, or close enough to it, to keep the family warm. My mother telling me without a hint of irony or self-awareness that I remind her of Luisa from Encanto, and all I heard was I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service. I remind her of herself, of a missionary martyred for a cause that, quite frankly, wouldn't notice if I was gone. But sacrifice is the highest form of love, and so I give. 

While my father slowly died, I made sure everything was taken care of. The sink full of dishes from meals I was not present for, floors covered in dirt I didn't track in, the bathroom torn apart in the chaos of illness and overuse and the sickly tinge of pink mold to illuminate my shortcomings, as sure to inspire shame as if someone had said outright you missed a spot. 

I just burned and burned and burned, and I was permitted to do so. I am still permitted to do so even after my father has passed on; it's practically expected. We swear by rote, for want of more, and the exhausted chorus rolls in my head: Leave her Johnny, leave her! 

-I guess I'm just tired, I text my siblings instead of shouting I don't have enough, I am not enough, I am drowning, I am burning alive. 

But even that tiny admission is a shortcoming, because when (if) they ask how they can help, anticipating some one-time task, I can't bring myself to answer you'll need to help every day. There is no simple fix for this life, no easy organization tip presented by someone with a picture-perfect living room decked out in tones of Builder Beige. I have been burning for so long I don't know what it feels like to not be required, to not be obligated and expected and only loved in the way that one would love a hammer or a pair of garden shears. 

What's an extra hour or two, right? I'll go to bed exhausted and wake up just as tired, and nobody ever asked me to do it, nobody expected me to do it, and why didn't I ask for help?

Flames pouring from my eyes and mouth, ever-so-Holy with that oh-so-coveted servant's heart, the next load of laundry put in the dryer amidst my choking, ash-filled reply to every sentence issued towards my (their, our) never-ending tasks, “No worries.” 

Even if I did ask for help, they'd never believe it.

//-ATLAS

#writing #I have been exhausted for years #Somehow I got the eldest-daughter syndrome #I will forever appreciate my partner for their patience with me #sacrifice #love #loss #please take care of yourselves #you can't get YOU back if you lose yourself

[ruporas]

can’t talk about it

[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.

Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We  can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."

The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"

The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."

The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."

The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."

The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]

#vashwood #trigun #trigun maximum #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #Theyre both thoroughly exhausted tired individuals -- vash having to fight this lonely battle for over a hundred years and getting dragged #back into inevitable situation with knives after a 2 years hiatus of being a gunslinger. they both need so much Rest and comfort in this #department... .SIGHS. BUT I JUST THINK ABOUT WOLFWOOD . AND HOW... LITTLE He has existed on no man's land. how majority of his years being #alive is being used as a weapon and to kill when him at his very core is the most giving and selfless individual ever #badlands rumble inspired me a bit but i do think wolfwood gets dragged into occasional tasks from the eye of michael while on his duty of #guiding vash -- or i think that one chapter where we got to see other members of eom -- there's like a clear division within the eom too #i think.... so i figured similarly to vash but not to the same amount -- there are people that look for wolfwood too. but most of the time #it's probably wolfwood that has to look for someone else and take them out. i feel like it happens ever so occasionally. #evidentially these two don't talk enough canonically but they always know how to express things properly to affirm that they're okay #they have the worst time ever sharing burdens - can't willingly burden the other and has neeever asked for help or reprieve in their #desperate situations... vw is a huge case of right person wrong time syndrome so they just. in the time they get to spend together -- even #if romantically - they don't have enough time to heal to get over that kind of hurdle. They've just never asked for help in all the years #they've been alive -- they don't even know how to and its just aughhhsgskg #and well! they don't even need to ask! because they'll be there for each other anyway at the end of the day -- company and presence alone. #ruporas art

[b0bs0ndugnutt]

Because the “shrodinger’s queerbait” nonsense will never go away, indulge me an analogy (and a long post).

wlw ships are the “made from scratch” cake in a world where we only ever expect cake mix from the box.

Say you have a show where, in the first interaction between a male and female character, there is a red box. It could be a Betty Crocker box of cake mix. Because all it takes is just one smile — one wink — one raised eyebrow— and the fans don’t question it. We’re clearly making a cake here. The box is red.

Meanwhile, you have two female characters building their own relationship that have elements that could build to romance. There are eggs in the fridge. A few more episodes, there’s flour in the pantry. Sugar. Baking powder. Queer fans start whispering…we could be making a cake here. Other fans scoff “you will read into anything. They’re just eggs! Everyone has eggs in their fridge!” Maybe so, maybe not. They are written off as discrete ingredients, nothing to see here.

That red box is still sitting in the pantry. Obviously we’re going with that one, and it’s definitely cake mix. That guy and girl stood next to each other again.

The wlw relationship is now full-on batter. It was a cake recipe all along, but it’s not baked yet. The crowd that wrote off every ingredient is now saying the writers are just going to “squander” that box that could be ready-made cake mix or that they’re being “forced” to bake a cake with the very ingredients the writers deliberately bought and put in their pantry.

Now it’s in the oven, the cake is baking. That crowd will still insist it’s forced, or maybe its actually something else, or it’s rushed, or it’s pandering. Whether the writers painstakingly built a pantry to make the cake they truly wanted or they were cultivating good ingredients and realized they had the fixings for a more decadent cake and went there, it doesn’t matter. It’s still a recipe. One that fans who always have to piece together ingredients had hoped for or saw from the get-go, despite being scoffed at and disparaged. Just because that crowd didn’t see (or refused to see) those ingredients as part of a whole, doesn’t make it any less of a recipe.

And wlw fans shouldn’t have to keep writing essays to demonstrate that the wlw “cake” has all the ingredients every cake mix does, or keep pointing out that fans were ready to believe a cake was being baked when they saw a nondescript box, but that they’ll do anything to discredit or doubt the cake from scratch that’s now cooling off on the counter.

It is partly a function of heteronormativity from the audience in immediately seeing romance in any whisper of interaction between m/f characters and passing off all charged interactions between female characters are sisterly or platonic. And it also comes from writers, who are either being cautious so as not to spook corporate overlords or audiences, or who are preserving plausible deniability.

To take the analogy further, box cake mix is fine! It works! It is, practically speaking, what a lot of folks know by default. I thought I was a Duncan Hines girl once myself. Vanilla cake mix has the ingredients measured out, it’s a safe bet, it tastes like cake.

But it doesn’t mean every red box is cake mix. And it doesn’t make the cake that had to be pieced together from scratch due to censorship, caution, time, narrative build-up, what-have-you, any less of a cake.

#Also this is a pillsbury cake mix hate blog so it doesnt count. The good ones have red boxes. #are we discoursing on this fine evening? Why not. #This could be about literally any wlw ship #but as someone who binged 8 volumes of rwby before 9 and missed all the drama but sees the vestiges of it years later somehow #its wild to me. Because as someone who saw the narrative in one gulp #it is very obvious they have put a lot of love and attention into Bumbleby #anyway this applies to #Bumbleby #korrasami #clexa #bubbline #harlivy #i could keep going #Having to defend a wlw ship like it’s a dissertation EVERY TIME is exhausting #And the fact that wlw fans have been burned before shouldn’t be wielded as a sword and a shield every time a wlw ship is viable

[isbergillustration]

Something something becoming a city

#really should continue reading that nk jemisin book so i could make a better pun. i got like 2 chapters in before getting distracted by uni #reading. two years ago. oops. after i finish burning chrome? only got two short stories left in that i think #sketchbook #drawing #colour pencil #coffee #illustration #artists on tumblr #my art #uh. i had a point when i started drawing this. i think it might have been please commission me because being a care worker is exhausting an #i consider quitting ever shift i get that's not a night one #or buy originals #sold a lot of those earlier. not so much since january. idk why.

[whamss]

"Making Rosemary tea drinking lesbians is bad" says Internet User, but not because it strips them of their characterization and turns them into carbon copies of each other, destined to sit in the background while other characters (men) have character arcs around them, but because they aren't Silly Enough. No no, we don't need to flesh them out, we just need to turn them from Wise Lesbian Couple to Comedic Relief. This will fix everything wrong with fandom depictions of them. *Wipes sweat from forehead* Woo! Being a feminist is so tough!

#talk tag #homestuck #if you cant tell im starting to have feelings #obligatory ofc its okay to write rosemary being funni but man is it exhausting when the bare minimum or rosemary thought seems to be #“wait a second! rosemary arent tea drinking lesbians! theyre secretly really funny” with no thought past this #trust me i like writing them fail as much as the next person but yk these are characters right? #you know that they exist outside of each other... right!?!??! #rosemary #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #recent developments in fandom have managed to invent a whole new flavor of rosemary for me to hate #that accidentally perpetuates all of the issues w them that people have been pointing out for years #anyways i miss them

[the-ships-to-rule-them-all]

the level at which people are misusing the term "Never Again" in the far left absolutely infuriates me.

"Never Again" doesn't refer to the idea of no more genocides -- unfortunately people are evil and corrupt and seek scapegoats and destruction, there were genocides in the years following the Holocaust, there were genocides 10 years ago, there are multiple genocides going on as we speak

"Never Again" means we as Jews will pay attention to the warning signs, will not mindlessly allow antisemitism to fester and take over our communities, we will fight back. it means we will be proud. it means we will not let you hate us without a word of refusal.

"Never Again" is a warning for us, it is a reminder that what happened then can happen now -- is happening now. The Far Left doesn't get to use it against us. You don't get to turn our tragedies into hate-speech and antisemitic rhetoric.

Am Yisrael Chai

#abby speaks #that fucking NYT article made me rage so much #needed to get this out #if this somehow makes you pissed at me go ahead the unfollow button is right there #I have always said that Palestinians deserve a state and I have always believed that Israel has a right to exist #the lack of knowledge at these “protests” shocks me - people don't know which river or which sea; they don't know about the hostages #free gaza from hamas #we are allowed to mourn the “protests” started before we'd even had a chance to. #I will never ever forgive or forget the people that have made mourning still feel impossible #I am not about to sit here and say that the Israeli government is blameless #however if you didn't know that 1000s of Israeli have spent the past year protesting against Netenyahu's right wing government shut up #we need actual solutions; neither Israelis nor Palestinians are going anywhere #and you guys need to start calling out the antisemitism in your movement #I have my doubts on that actually happening and you'll never see me donate to a lot of these causes again #the goy left has lost my respect and my trust and now it only has my side-eye #sorry for the rant in the tags it's been an exhausting few months

[bonemeal12]

What a loser /pos

Close ups under the cut!

#been absolutely exhausted lately I haven’t been able to make a full piece just for myself in 1000 years #I only have the energy to doodle if I’m drawing for myself these days #also don’t even ask me about the red robin costume ok I don’t get it either #it has a look somewhere in my brain I just don’t have the energy to draw it #my art #doodle #tim drake #red robin #dc #what does zesti look like?? I don’t know #can’t be bothered to search hard enough to find a ref #he would put orange juice in his cereal unironically cause I said so #he would have bat themed socks #he would wear his ex’s superhero merch

[dayurno]

this is somewhat of a vent post & something i said i would not do again but has been plaguing me enough that i think getting it out might feel better. so. has anydoggy else been. Baffled and upset by nora sakavic’s refusal to speak on how terribly aftg has treated its characters of color? with the author of the series coming back with a new book and starting up on her online activity again, and questions of what she’d change about aftg bubbling up, it’s particularly glaring to me that we are all playing this very long game of pretend where we ignore how badly the non-white cast has been treated & her lack of thoughts on it

and i understand not wanting to bring up nicky and thea because people pick on her for it. i’m not trying to discredit nora sakavic’s terrible history of getting harrassed online by aftg fans. but i think it is very cynical, and it is very juvenile, and most of all very cruel, that she gets to ignore the very real ways the books have set up these characters to be hated. i think it’s obvious why the characters who get the most hate are the only canonical characters of color, and i think we do not get to treat this like a deliberate decision on the fandom’s part when the books have put these same characters in degrading and embarrassing and terrible positions in the first place. aftg is not a story about nice characters with clean pasts, but there is a very specific nastiness to the only characters of color being a brown man who sexually harasses and later assaults the main character, a black woman whose only scene is her lashing out at her love interest after being ignored for the first two books, and the japanese villain who gets maybe two lines of complexity before he goes back to being a terrible person. the white cast, in comparison, while not at all free from flaws, are never shown to commit mindless evil; all of their actions are ultimately justified. the book goes out of its way to give them concession after concession. we know exactly who to side with, because aftg tells us who these people are. does nicky’s assault ever get addressed in the books? does riko’s reasoning to be the way that he is ever gets more than briefly aluded to? is thea reserved even a shred of humanity or grace in her one scene?

anyway. it’s been years of talking about this and the fandom has been constantly hostile to criticism in this regard, and more recently any criticism at all, and it’s Grating to be on the other side of this discussion. it’s exhausting to know that in ten years we do not get even an acknowledgment besides the author saying she will not answer questions about nicky and thea anymore. it’s upsetting and it’s ugly and i wish no one had to talk about this again, but we do because what i thought was common sense has been washed away by a sudden influx of no-nuance adoration for the trilogy. basically i hope we all explode

two hours later edit: you're allowed to reblog this! sorry about the confusion

#this has been so upsetting to notice but 🥹whatever #there is a different kind of bitterness to thinking about how ten years have passed #and we are getting new content that changes and maybe even rectifies many of the ways we see and interact w aftg #and none of it not a bit of it addresses the racism #how it’s been ten years and the only thing we really get to show it is a book about a ship between two white men the fandom came up with #after seeing them be Suggested to interact in canon #i understand not wanting to hurt nora sakavics feelings by asking her about this #but imagine how tired we are. Imagine how tired we are #do you know how bad it feels to read through nicky’s worst moments in aftg #and know that he was written this way because he looks like me? #do you understand how exhausting it all is. can you imagine? #the fandom has been so quick to undo the criticism fans of colors have been making since day one #and for what. for what! my doves. for what? #have we come out of it any greater? have we done anything but lie to ourselves? #and anyway this is not some mindless pessimism #this is not me telling you that aftg is bad and you cant love it; cant have it mean anything to you #this is me saying that when we acknowledge these things it makes us better readers and better people #nora sakavic if you are reading this from whatever hellhole america you find yourself in #grabs you by the shoulders. This is not the end #this is not something to sit back and feel bad about #you have opened the floodgates of hell with tsc. kick the door in and release a revised version of aftg #there is a real material way for you to make this better. it is possible and it will not kill you #i would read a revised aftg. my mutuals would. many many many many fans would #making mistakes is not just a human right its a human inevitability #but we do not have to let ourselves get defined by them. We can do hard things #lets go of nora sakavics shoulders. anyway. where were we #aftg #txt #tsc

[kindahoping4forever]

Nostalgia For A Time That Never Existed in Washington DC - 26 May 2024

#today was such an exhausting day to have eyes #5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #luke #nostalgia tour #nostalgia tour dc n1 #kh4f post #i feel so sane and normal and not in any way feral or like my brain is on fire #this weekend has been so very fun but so very too much 😌 #the content has just been so specifically 👩🏻‍🍳💋 #this first picture is actually obscene #picture 5 has me ready to commit a series of crimes - idk what crimes specifically but i am ready for them #pictures 9 and 10 have me ready to be just straight up committed #this is fine #remember how this isn't even my lane lmaoooooo #remember how not even 2 years ago i had an entire tag devoted to me trying to come to terms with my Feelings about this guy #🤡

[satans-knitwear]

Guess who survived their first exercise class (ever... )

It was me. I did it. I didn't chicken out or run away or cry (much) or throw up (during, at least)

Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me

#I'm so proud of myself but holy shit. Anxiety is no game. That felt so much more difficult than it needed to be #Got immediately adopted by several old ladies tho so that's a win #The exercise wasn't strenuous or anything out of my ability range but the insane amount of tension in my muscles is exhausting #satans knitwear #I have been wanting to get out of the house and do this (join something) for years now! And i did it!! #Have cute pics to celebrate #alt pinup #pinup girl #pretty lingerie #bi girl #cheeky #uk girl #wlw

[uncanny-tranny]

You survived this year. You made it, I hope you find solace in the recognition that you have done it.

However last year went, know that you've made it. May this new year bring you comfort, joy, peace, and thriving.

#positivity #encouragment #encouraging words #yes i hope you have been able to do more than sirvive... but surviving isn't bad. it's scary and exhausting sometimes... #...but if all you could do is survive... know that you've not 'wasted' 2023. your time spent here wasn't in vain #your time spent on this earth hasn't been wasted and i hope nobody feels that they've squandered this past year #yes if all you can do is survive... please do that. i hope though that you are given the opportunity to thrive

[joltrify]

6th year of Heatblast!! //

I'll admit- can't say I'm a huge fan of this year's redraw- while I had high expectations for myself going into this one, it kinda turned out... eh.

But hey, here's to a better opportunity next year! Hopefully my head won't feel full of sludge.

(Bonus inspo for his head-crest thingy)

This year, I wanted his head shape to resemble a stag beetle :3

#it doesn't help that I'm also TWO WEEKS late to the redraw... #I had the sketch down since january but I've been too exhausted to refine it until last week ;m; #I like the pose and certain aspects of his design but the colors felt lackluster this time around. #But I WILL do better next year! #I have to! #I BETTER!! #art #digital art #Digital Illustration #ben #ben 10 #ben tennyson #ben 10 fanart #fanart #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 omniverse #heatblast #heatblast fanart #ben10 heatblast #fire #end my suffering

[elitadream]

Goodness, what a week. =_= Coming up with a concept on the spot and assuming that I could remotely finish it on time was wishful thinking. Looks like I won't have a chance to draw the Christmas themed idea I had in mind, unfortunately. 🥲😮‍💨

#I've been insanely busy and have learned about a few change of plans today on top of that 🙇‍♀️ #RIP #Not having my tablet or more than an hour of spare time to myself is exhausting #Christmas time has beaten me to a pulp this year #I'm SO tired it's ridiculous 😭 #The good news though? I should be able to share two pieces between the 26th and 31th 🙏 #That'll make up for it! #Plus I might have just found a way to integrate my previous idea to a future piece #So... there's that at least 😅 #I expect the last week of december to go a bit more smoothly #Or at least I hope so 🥺 #Wishing rest to everyone else who needs it atm 😴💫

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

yes i’m tired and angry at hbo max for not even bothering to give us scraps and yes i’m miserable and jaded about rainbow capitalism but also if we DO actually get a trailer tomorrow the extreme dopamine hit and the flood of endorphins that i’ll get from seeing new footage of edward teach will probably temporarily override any trace of bitterness about being continually done dirty by corporations for like, at least an entire week

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd season 2 #ofmd s2 #txt #j #mine #og #edward teach #edward teach born on a beach #if we DONT get a trailer tomorrow then it’s business as usual and im too exhausted to feel any real way about it aside from “resigned” #not getting a trailer yet is by far. the smallest hardship i am facing rn lmao #it would be nice to have a trailer and have something to be excited about but i’ve been coasting miserably for months at this point #what’s a few months more lol #OH AND ALSO i agree with that one post going around about “we’re not doing rainbow capitalism discourse this year” #im only mentioning rainbow capitalism in this post bc im just talking about my criticisms of hbo specifically rn #and how they’ve been ignoring ofmd entirely #like i said in my tags elsewhere tho i will gladly lick hbo’s boots for a bit if they just give me a goddamn trailer

[deoidesign]

.

#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without' #I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk. #can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work... #for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well! #it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to. #but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end... #I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too. #but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk. #anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better. #but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much. #and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so... #I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better. #and I'm just crying because of all this combined. #I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

[strawglicks]

People are already whining abt the flag on grahams plushie be for real 💀

#ohh it doesnt represent me .. ok plushies arent made to represent you it represents him #plus its being released like. right at the start of pride month . so its def related to that #god forbid people get a cute pride flag with their plushie that represents said character #‘b but what about me im not lgbt’ … take it off? #if you see a pride flag and IMMEDIATELY have an issue with it. thats uh. thats a problem! #graham is lgbt and always has been suck it up . #heres to hoping this will drive out any homophobes who are FOR SOME REASON in this community #ugh i just needed to complain a bit #its so tiring. so exhausting . im tired of ppl complaining abt how lgbt people express themselves #this isnt just an issue with the plushie this is a general thing #ESPECIALLY approaching pride month. this always happens #theres a SPIKE in homophobia bc theyre desperately trying to silence us #i just want to enjoy pride month but its so hard to bc homophobes get so much louder . #and it ends up just being. exhausting. anyway #heres to a hopefully happy pride month this year . #i just need to avoid some places .