#I hate the end and I think that missing people is the worst pain imaginable.

[lovealwayssay]

Life is just loving people as much as you can until someone has to leave and you have to say goodbye and then just missing them forever over and over again.

#I hate the end and I think that missing people is the worst pain imaginable. #i just moved out of my college dorm and I’m SAD #i miss you #missing #graduation #moving away #changes #leaving #lifelessons #life #sad

[hanetea]

Flowers in the winter

Summary: 6 months of the year I am technically married to Satoru Gojo; and the other 6 months, well... I still am married to him. Word count: 2.6k CWs: Teen!Gojo, he's a warning in itself..., Timid!reader, Reader!POV Canon compliant till I say so, rom-com, slow-burn, how slow? maybe like 3 chapters slow, fluff, angst, eventual smut, no beta, mildly edited This is part 2 (you can find part one here > part 1 )

“I’m sorry” I sniffled as I heard nothing but laughter for mistaking the other person at the end of the line for someone other than himself. But who could blame me!

“How can you, married for two years by the way, not even recognize the sound of my voice anymore? Was 2 years not enough for you?” his laughter finally dying down, and all I could do was to swallow how much this man was just enjoying my perfectly understandable reaction. 

“But for us it barely was two years huh” he says sighing, finally able to breathe after laughing. I pinch my arm a little. I mean after all he was right, it was barely 2 years, hell it was probably only just 6 months of us together.

“Heh, why are you quiet? Cat got your tongue?” but it's moments like these that I wish it was less than 6 months.

“Sorry sorry, I’ll stop teasing” he chuckles as if reading my mind. I pout as I bring my knees closer to my chest. Since he called me he should be able to tell me where to go right? Maybe even pick me up at the train station… I could hear a hearty sigh on the other line. “ so, you're coming tomorrow?” He's going to at least give me an address as to where jujutsu high is right?

“Yes” I said, twirling my hair between my index and thumb. ‘Please tell me where to go-’

“Great! I’ll see you then-” “WAIT!” 

There was a pause of silence between us. Me letting my nerves get the best of me, and unintentionally cutting him off mid sentence. Embarrassment creeps into my cheeks as I try to bury myself with a fistful of my hair, bringing it to the front of my face. I should’ve just asked through text or something.

‘Ahhhh I want to diee’

Gojo clears his throat, breaking the silence. “What’s wrong?” he says in a completely oblivious tone, which only made me more nervous on what to say. 

I try to collect myself breathing slowly so that I can get my words across,

“Um, Gojo, so about Jujutsu tech…” I start but my mouth just shuts on its own, 

“Gojo Satoru is not a kind man”

My mothers warning rings in my head, and my palms start getting sweaty by the second. ‘I should be more polite’ I thought, still trying to find the words to say but before I could add more he gives me a big ‘Ah!’ making me jump a little from the sudden noise.

“Yea! The admission wasn't that bad, though you know that the elders were being such a big pain about it.” he gave a loud sigh to exaggerate how much he hated it, which made me smile, this man does not like being bossed around. 

“Yknow what's crazy tho?” his voice suddenly hushed as if trying to not let anybody hear “there's only 3 students in my class” which gains a small gasp from me “i-including you?” I whisper back. In the same hush tone that he was using, “Including me!” he responds back, I can't even begin to imagine a class of 10 people, how much more just 3? With yourself included? And the worst of it is that you’re classmates with Gojo….

‘I feel bad for them…’ A whole year with him… I can't even begin to imagine how that would be, without missing a beat Gojo fills my silence with little stories of his time at jujutsu high.

“The campus is HUGE! It's very traditional in terms of architecture but I think you already know that.” He continues to ramble, Gojo can really carry the conversation with just himself, and honestly it's comforting to know that he won't get mad if I stay quiet. However…

“Um, sorry Gojo but to be honest,” Gojo turns quiet in the other line, I swallow what timidness I had to get my words across, feeling that the man on the other side is also going to listen to me. “I’ve never been to jujutsu high, o-or know where it is” I finally put out. Gojo still stays silent in the other line which makes me hope he didn't take offense. “...you’ve never been there?” he says softly which makes me embarrassed

‘Was I supposed to know?’ I bite my lip

“M-my mom doesn't really tell me about jujutsu society…” with every word that escapes, the quieter it becomes. Growing up I’ve been told that women have no place in jujutsu society. And my mom reaffirms this belief by raising me as a normal girl as much as possible. Since a woman’s role is to be a wife to her husband, I was kept in the dark about anything that revolves around jujutsu. 

‘I only know some things because it involves Gojo…’ but now I’m starting to think I should know a little bit more, just to keep up with his life… He is at the center of it after all…

“Is that so?” his voice rings clear, in a span of a few months, Gojo’s voice changed. I wonder what he looks like now? This is no longer the Gojo Satoru that I knew a year ago. Will he be disappointed that I, his wife, didn't change at all? Will I be tossed aside, the older we get?

“I can pick you up, which station are you going to?” I shook my head trying to rid of my thoughts that was occupying my head 

“M-my ticket is for Asakusa station, but I can catch a train to whichever is more convenient for you-” he giggles at the other end, confusing me as I don't really know what he found funny “no that’s fine I'll pick you up there.” His voice is so gentle, it almost made my heart leap out of my chest. I can't let myself misunderstand, Gojo didn't mean anything about it. 

“Thank you” I say, barely a whisper, twiddling my toes trying to warm them up  “No worries.” he hummed in response. My shoulders relaxed, as I let go of the breath that I didn't know I was holding. Gojo, despite his obvious status, was very different from the other male authorities that I have the displeasure of knowing in Jujutsu society. He wasn't someone to hold his authority above you unless provoked. Even though we aren't the typical couple, where mutual feelings isn't the thing keeping us together, but societal pressure. I'm happy that we are different from a typical jujutsu marriage. It’s comfortable,

“Gojo Satoru is not a kind man”

But I'm okay that it's him that I have to be with.

“Goodnight (y/n), I’ll see you soon” he says one last time before hanging up.

I heave a heavy sigh, dropping my phone to the side, My other hand playing with my hair. I really ended up having a casual conversation with Gojo… ‘Gojo is so easy to talk to… I mustn't be swayed’ I thought. The more comfortable I am, the more I am able to make mistakes. I don't think he’ll be pleasant when that day arrives.  I imagine a cross Gojo, but it seems like it's hard to picture what that looks like. I twiddle my toes more just trying to think. Instead, a picture of an more diabolical Gojo came to mind, ‘No, I think he will just endlessly tease me if I do… ahhhhh’ now scratching my scalp, hating the second option even more, I look back towards the picture frame that I previously dropped.

I don’t want the marriage of a jujutsu sorcerer. Constant avoidance, infested with malice, a bitter marriage that would’ve been better off separated. ‘I don't want that’ But if that was the fate that I was preordained to have…

I pulled the picture off the frame and folded it into my wallet. Giggling as I see his little pout still peaking through.

‘I mustn’t feel anything for Satoru Gojo’

I placed my wallet into my bag, I'm now fully packed, ready for my journey… my 6 month long journey, easing my heart in what lies ahead.

-

“We have arrived to, Asakusa station” 

I inhale a lungful of air, waiting for the doors to open. As I'm immediately greeted to the warmth and bustling crowds of Tokyo. 

I hold nothing but just one luggage in my hand, and a small backpack for more personal items to be easily accessed. 

This is the station where I'm supposed to meet Gojo. If he were a normal man, I wouldn't exactly be as worried as I am right now,  it's not exactly hard to spot a 6 foot something with unbashful white hair and a pair of intimidating stark black glasses but with the lack thereof and with his track record of tardiness to multiple events. It doesn't take rocket science to deduce that I may be waiting here for a bit.

I heave a heavy sigh, one that often is released during an intense exam season. Feeling an intense load of anxiety suddenly turning at the pit of my stomach.

‘I wanna go homee’ I sob inwardly walking around the area that's within reasonable reach from the waiting deck, so that I can be easily spotted just in case the unreliable clan leader decides to swing by and save me from the predicament that he himself caused.

I find an empty bench to occupy as I wait for the time being. I tug my sleeves a little as I start to feel a chill, what a perfect welcome to the winter season. 

Ping!

I felt my phone vibrate as I open my phone I saw that I've received a message.

My eyes widen, it was a message from Gojo.

Gojo 10:15am

Sorry, the mission took surprisingly long, I'm 10 minutes away from the station did you just arrive?

I look at the message for a little bit, feeling relieved and a bit embarrassed that I assumed that he was just being leisure With his time when in fact, Gojo was a man who's always short on time with how busy he was.

But regardless he still found the time to help me when I'm in need.

You 10:16am

It’s okay, I've just arrived anyway. Take your time.

Was that too casual? Despite being similar in age I have a hard time talking to Gojo since I was taught to respond formally, but since Gojo hates tradition I was told by him explicitly to ‘ease up’ 

Ping!

I looked at the notification, it was a reply from Gojo 

Gojo 10:17am

10 seconds

“Eh?” I accidentally said out loud, but before I could ask what he meant he sent another message

Gojo 10:17am

5 seconds

By now I think I was sweating bullets, what do these mean? And why are they so ominous?

I felt a single tap on my shoulder making me to jump in surprise, I turned around and was immediately greeted to a wide grin.

“ It's been a while ” he's still as big as ever, I scramble to my feet feeling my soul leave my body just to race back inside to regain control. Gojo, despite saying he’ll arrived in 10 minutes arrived in less than a minute, and yet not a single hair was out of place or a single sweat roll down his face. Effortlessly he looked pristine and perfect. While a single tap made me look like a rag doll ready to be washed. 

“Did I scare you?” he chuckles as I feel my face with my hand to realize not only am I sweaty, my cheeks were also hot from the shock.

“I- I” stammering finding no words to say as my head was a jumbled mess. Standing in front of me was no Gojo I met from when I was 15

This was a different one, a leaner, taller and older Gojo, if his looks didn't kill me before It will kill me now.

“Wow! You haven't grown an inch!” he says while taking my luggage off my hand. While his eyes continue to inspect me. We stand with a fair distance away from each other but his domineering figure if it were to topple over would bury me whole “You look like you still sleep with a nightlight”

“I-I do not” I defend myself from the embarrassing accusation.

But I still do, every night.

‘ahh this man is too much’ I bring up my hands to fan my warm face, I can tolerate Gojos teasing but I get easily embarrassed and it shows on my face which I believe he has much delight in seeing by getting a rise out of me. I prepare myself for a wheeze or a chuckle from him, a sadistic reaction at least to come out but instead I felt a gentle cool touch my cheek. It was a hand, his hand. 

“Gojo?” I was shocked at the sensation that the name just rolled out of my tongue. 

I looked up to him and saw that he was staring down at me still wearing a smile. But it was different, my breath hitches on my throat. His glasses were still blocking his eyes, but compared to before, his smile was gentler, and his face had completely softened. 

He continues to move his hand to cup my cheek, making me squeeze my eyes shut from the sheer cool of his palm. His cool hand was a stark contrast to my warm skin. Which contributed to the growing embarrassment rising with every touch.

“But you’ve changed…” he said, tracing my lashes with his thumb as I kept my eye shut. “Your eyelashes got longer…” his hand,  never leaving my face caresses my cheek, leaving specks of cool on my skin everywhere he touches. He moves my head gently as if trying to observe every nook and cranny, Not really missing a single area, feeling like he wouldn't be satisfied till he saw everything. He slid his thumb down my nose bridge, outlining it. “Your nose is still the same” he gives a little giggle before sliding it down lower, his thumb now ghosting my lips, I puff a breath on it from the cool that it radiates but it doesn't move. Only keeping a distance, never truly touching me.

“You look good” he says softly, he moves his hand away to push some hair away from my face, and tucking it gently behind my ear before giving my earlobe a little pinch that made me flinch. 

The reaction only making him giggle as he gives my nose a little poke with his finger before shifting the front of his body away from me, while I was left with the sight of his broad back. “let's hurry before we miss our train” he moves with long strides.

I stand there completely frozen, my brain not really understanding what just happened until it starts crashing down to me like a tidal wave. I covered my mouth before a scream exploded out of my body. 

‘What was that? What was that?’ my brain was in a jumbled mess that my knees gave out and I'm left crouching on the ground. 

My heart was doing somersaults with the way it's beating. Being awestruck by how much he changed was one thing, but being caressed was a whole different story! 

“Pardon me~” I felt a strong arm slither around my waist. In an instant, my entire body was hoisted off the ground with much ease. Gojo stands there carrying me like a duffle bag. He looks down at my pitiful state but not really minding it.

“As much as I want to enjoy your reactions, we have 3 more trains and a bus to catch” the silver head beams a wide smile while announcing this, my eyes furrowed in confusion.

‘Why do we need to ride 3 more trains?’ He gives me a toothy grin as if reading my mind.

“How else are we going to reach Jujutsu high! It's all the way on the other side of Tokyo from Asakusa station.” His legs start moving as he carries me in the same awkward position. 

“EXCUSE ME?!” Gojo only laughed in response.

#jjk #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #jjk fandom #jjk x reader #satoru gojo x reader #haneblurbs

[edenmemes]

god of war: ragnarok starters

may contain spoilers !

❝ trust? you have broken my trust. ❞ ❝ you seemed troubled in your sleep, even for you. nightmares? ❞   ❝ if you’re not fighting dirty, you’re not fighting, right? ❞   ❝ the worst is still ahead of us. we must be strong. ❞   ❝ it’s times like this i really miss home. ❞ ❝ you must live with your deeds, but do not be troubled by them. ❞ ❝ you don’t strike me as someone who fears death. ❞ ❝ that is not who i am anymore. ❞   ❝ the problem doesn’t have to reach our doorstop to be our responsibility. ❞   ❝ please don’t make me do this. ❞   ❝ the storm is getting worse. ❞   ❝ i’d offer you a hug, but why traumatise either of us further. ❞   ❝ whatever anger you’re feeling, whatever loathing toward me...it’s nothing to what i’ve said to myself. ❞   ❝ i know the hate that burns you from within. i’ve felt those flames...known the comfort of their warmth. ❞   ❝ i do not need you to protect me. ❞   ❝ be glad you have a home to remember fondly. ❞   ❝ you’ve come a long way since i first met you. ❞   ❝ the pain only grows. will i ever be free of it? ❞ ❝ i need you...i can’t do this by myself. ❞   ❝ got a case of pride, i get it. hope yours clears up quicker than mine did. ❞   ❝ you were given an impossible problem. do not blame yourself for failing to solve it. ❞ ❝ you speak of your deeds with shame. ❞ ❝ i wronged you. and i cannot change that...and can never apologise enough for it. ❞   ❝ we do not know what lies ahead. i wish to enjoy the time we have left. ❞   ❝ there is no need to shoulder this burden on your own. ❞   ❝ i suppose that’s all any of us can hope for in the end. that our death has purpose. ❞   ❝ i don’t need to hear about your mistakes. i’ve made enough of my own, thanks. ❞   ❝ some free advice? you don’t want to let anyone catch you talking to your sword. ❞   ❝ you reek of cheap mead and that is by far your most endearing characteristic. ❞   ❝ i expected you to come and find me. that no matter how hurt or angry, you wouldn’t abandon me when i needed you the most. ❞   ❝ you started this fight --- i will end it. ❞   ❝ you don’t have to do this kinda stuff just to keep my mind off things. ❞   ❝ could i ever think of this place as home again? after all that’s happened? ❞   ❝ all too often, people are blinded to all but their immediate self-interest. ❞ ❝ not exactly a calming presence, are you? ❞ ❝ know that all reigns end, and all empires fall. ❞ ❝ do not doubt the lengths i will go to. ❞ ❝ so much has been taken from me and i’m supposed to let it all go? ❞   ❝ if you don’t think i could lead us, just say so. ❞ ❝ i’m not saying anything you haven’t thought. ❞ ❝ there’s no making this right, is there? ❞ ❝ love should be---could be---stronger than hatred. ❞ ❝ it seems to me we share a common enemy. ❞ ❝ i know how bad it can get with one’s own kin. ❞ ❝ seems the only thing i can do right these days is destroy everything around me. ❞ ❝ i am haunted by your incompetence. it keeps me up at night. ❞ ❝ so i’m not allowed to give you a nickname? ❞ ❝ oooh, getting nosey. getting personal. ❞ ❝ that’s the most dangerous and irresponsible thing i’ve ever heard. ❞ ❝ i haven’t given up hope on you. ❞ ❝ i had hoped my days of ceaseless battles were over. ❞ ❝ to grieve deeply is to love fully. ❞ ❝ the truth is always more complicated. to imagine it’s simple is dangerous. ❞   ❝ you're a killer, just like your father. ❞ ❝ you think you just get to walk away? ❞   ❝ uh...someone’ll clean that up. ❞ ❝ i dont know if we’re breaking fate, or fate’s breaking us. ❞ ❝ how can you, of anyone alive, be squeamish about war? ❞ ❝ oh, wow...that’s quite the compliment. ❞ ❝ i grow tired of your lack of empathy. ❞ ❝ to abandon a poisonous path and walk another is no small challenge. ❞   ❝ can i get you a water or something? ❞ ❝ confronting the past comes with a price. ❞ ❝ i want things to be the way they were. ❞ ❝ being in love’s always a risk. that’s what makes it fun. ❞ ❝ i was always fond of our talks, you know. ❞ ❝ curiosity’s all well and good...but so’s privacy, yes? ❞ ❝ whatever you ask, consider it done. i am forever in your debt. ❞ ❝ what’s the biggest thing you’ve ever fought? ❞ ❝ so...was this all that you hoped for? ❞ ❝ the closer we get, the more tightness grows in my chest. ❞ ❝ your path leads to countless deaths. unimaginable pain and suffering. ❞ ❝ can’t you take a joke, you old goat? ❞ ❝ everyone takes it easy on you because they’re scared of your father. ❞ ❝ that’s family.    you got to keep them close where they can make you good and crazy. ❞ ❝ maybe, for the moment, you’re of more use to me alive. ❞ ❝ look at the ruins before you and understand the truth: this was your doing. ❞ ❝ forgive me. my words were chosen carelessly. ❞ ❝ my success does not come from luck. ❞ ❝ just shut up and drink. ❞ ❝ no matter the size, every creature has a weakness. ❞ ❝ sometimes we never really know the ones we love. ❞ ❝ tell me about your homeland. ❞ ❝ leadership? not really my strong suit, let’s be honest. ❞ ❝ what am i gonna do, walk around with a bandage on my head, begging for attention? ❞ ❝ why are you so bent on hurting me like this? i’ve done nothing to you. ❞ ❝ you seem like a calm and reasonable person.      are you a calm and reasonable person? ❞ ❝ i’ve seen my fair share of bloodshed, but this is an awful lot for one morning. ❞ ❝ if you’re planning on killing me, at least let me finish this song. ❞ ❝ everywhere i look, i am reminded of my mistakes. ❞ ❝ i have seen many lands. many realms. i can tell you with some certainty: no such paradise exists. ❞ ❝ do something about it or shut up already. ❞ ❝ breaking tension with humour is the sacred duty of a travelling companion. ❞ ❝ forgiveness can be powerful. even for the unworthy. ❞ ❝ you have no idea the kind of shit i’ve been through. ❞ ❝ our actions have consequences. to be reminded of them is not a punishment. ❞ ❝ take the hint. go away. ❞ ❝ something is on your mind. what is it? ❞ ❝ what a twisted little soul you have. ❞ ❝ your eyes say everything. ❞ ❝ me and you against the world, huh? just like the old days. ❞ ❝ there is no making things right. only better than they were. ❞ ❝ without me? i thought we were partners. ❞ ❝ this will end in blood. the only question that remains is which side is willing to spill more. ❞ ❝ i have lost myself before. more than once. ❞ ❝ you cannot sneak up on me like that. ❞ ❝ is it always moral to kill something that’s trying to kill you? ❞ ❝ we’ve gotta be more than a bunch of stories with our endings already written. ❞ ❝ the smell is making my eyes burn. ❞ ❝ you are staring... ❞ ❝ even the brightest among us carry darkness. ❞ ❝ anyone ever tell you that you babble when you’re terrified? ❞ ❝ every path i walk...leads back to vengeance. ❞ ❝ maybe our families are just meant to be enemies. ❞ ❝ i know how it feels...to lose a parent. ❞ ❝ your love of this place...i can feel it. anyone can. ❞ ❝ what you can do is get the fuck out of my sight. ❞ ❝ it was stupid of me to hope in the first place. ❞ ❝ is that regret in your voice? ❞ ❝ there are things even gods cannot control. ❞ ❝ you don’t care about anyone beyond yourself. ❞ ❝ say something. i enjoy hearing your voice. ❞ ❝ does it frighten you? that is why you must do it. ❞ ❝ the dumb doesn’t fall far from the tree. ❞ ❝ you’re quite agitated, even for you. ❞ ❝ ain’t you never seen a legend in the flesh before? ❞ ❝ you are one of the few i would call a ‘friend’. ❞ ❝ this place is kinda pretty, when things aren’t trying to kill us. ❞ ❝ i find the hues and shades of your shortcomings almost moving. ❞ ❝ i still might kill you when this is over. ❞ ❝ i wish i could do more, i really do. ❞ ❝ do you ever have those moments where you wish you could...go back? rewrite your own past, make different decisions. ❞ ❝ do you want me to stop talking about your muscles? ❞ ❝ you are a formidable warrior, but even more than that, you have a good heart. ❞ ❝ this world takes more strength than it gave me. ❞ ❝ i’m trying to save your life, you big jerk. ❞ ❝ at least something out here doesn’t wanna kill me. ❞ ❝ i’ll just say it. i’m getting a really terrible feeling from this place. ❞ ❝ violence changes us. you are not weak to feel its effects. ❞ ❝ i’ve always loved you, you know. ❞ ❝ what side are you on anyway? ❞ ❝ everything was fine until you showed up. ❞ ❝ i have been...falling back into my old ways. angry. distrustful. ❞ ❝ one day, you will have to survive. without me. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to like me but...we’re gonna have to trust each other. ❞ ❝ you think war drives me? or power? wealth? no. never has. ❞ ❝ and they say i’m the bad guy. ❞ ❝ you feel it in the air, don’t you? the anxiety. ❞ ❝ i’m not being weird, you’re being weird. ❞ ❝ sure you’re up for breaking the rules like this? ❞ ❝ doubt is a weakness we cannot afford. ❞ ❝ mm. i do not like riddles. ❞ ❝ it just seems like a lot for someone your age. ❞ ❝ use the judgement of a man and not of a child. ❞ ❝ so what are we supposed to do? roll over? do nothing? ❞ ❝ war will not give you the purpose you seek. ❞ ❝ nasty hit! are you alright? ❞ ❝ well, glad you survived the first day. ❞ ❝ what do you think? is there a right side in this war? ❞ ❝ didn’t you ever have an awkward phase in your youth? ❞ ❝ you will not find me good company. ❞ ❝ how about we just don’t kill each other? ❞ ❝ what have your promises ever been worth? ❞ ❝ why would you come this way alone? ❞ ❝ leave now, whether you value your life or peace in your death. ❞ ❝ i put you in so much pain. put you in a terrible situation. ❞ ❝ the most difficult battles are fought within. ❞ ❝ it’s not my job to teach you everything. ❞ ❝ thanks for patching me up. ❞ ❝ loss can do things to a man. ❞ ❝ i don’t know why i thought i could do this alone. ❞ ❝ i will do what it takes to keep you safe. ❞ ❝ a desperate creature can be the most dangerous. ❞ ❝ you’re just sharing your thoughts on a subject you know nothing about. ❞ ❝ this isn’t who you want to be. ❞ ❝ i knew this was going too smoothly. ❞ ❝ can one man do this much damage? ❞ ❝ this is your final warning. ❞ ❝ you have a lot of nerve, know that? ❞ ❝ i am counting on you. to be safe. to be smart. ❞ ❝ uh, maybe that’s not a good idea? ❞ ❝ well, that was violent. ❞ ❝ don’t go to too much trouble on my account. ❞ ❝ are you not a soldier? are you not a leader of people? ❞ ❝ just when i thought you couldn’t get even more godly. ❞ ❝ do you wish to speak of what happened? ❞ ❝ you have no hold on me any more. ❞ ❝ have you ever been in love? ❞ ❝ mind if i give you the best advice you’ve heard all day and possibly ever? sleep. ❞ ❝ you’ll have my wise and faithful counsel always. ❞ ❝ look, i just want to do the right thing. ❞ ❝ all i ask for is a good night’s rest. ❞ ❝ you’re angry with me, aren’t you? ❞ ❝ we live in strange times. ❞ ❝ do you hear that? i thought i heard a voice. ❞ ❝ any outsider is considered a threat. ❞ ❝ it is not always wrong to trust people. ❞ ❝ never thought i’d be so relieved to be back here. ❞ ❝ well, we all make mistakes. ❞ ❝ this is the craziest thing i’ve ever done. ❞ ❝ when we get out of here, i’ll give you some space. ❞ ❝ violence cannot prevent violence. ❞ ❝ the truth can be a cruel thing. ❞ ❝ defy your prophecy at your own peril. ❞ ❝ i must say, i think we make a good team. ❞ ❝ where would you even be without me? ❞ ❝ calm your mind. control it. ❞ ❝ you look...weirder than i imagined. ❞ ❝ we must tread carefully. danger is close. ❞ ❝ there are worse things to discover about someone you love. ❞ ❝ i know how it feels to be wronged. ❞ ❝ did you just wake up with the urge to be a pain in my ass? ❞ ❝ is it revenge if justice is served? ❞ ❝ sometimes there is no other way. ❞ ❝ all journeys come to an end. ❞ ❝ you’re the first person that i’ve talked to in a really long time. ❞ ❝ i’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment. ❞ ❝ so...do you forgive me? ❞ ❝ sorry, i’m just really excited to talk to you. ❞ ❝ is there any way to stop fate? ❞ ❝ it would be the first time in a while i have something truly mine. ❞ ❝ the earth is the reflection of those who tend it. ❞ ❝ i have to say. i am profoundly unimpressed. ❞ ❝ i did not come to you for a lecture. ❞ ❝ perhaps there is a measure of monster inside us all. ❞ ❝ i was about to look for you. ❞ ❝ i said we would speak no more of that. ❞ ❝ peace cannot endure without force to protect it. ❞ ❝ what is it you will not tell me? ❞ ❝ where has everyone gone, i wonder? ❞ ❝ i suppose we’re all entitled to walk our own paths. regardless of where they end. ❞ ❝ you are in way over your head. ❞ ❝ so much about that day i wish i could change. ❞ ❝ it is difficult to seek forgiveness when you feel unworthy. ❞ ❝ i don’t recall asking you to come along. ❞ ❝ don’t you know who i am? ❞ ❝ real power does not need to flaunt. it emerges when the time is right. ❞ ❝ i don’t move, you don’t move. don’t do anything you’ll regret. ❞ ❝ sorry we got off on the wrong foot there. ❞ ❝ i meant it when i said you’re not a prisoner here. ❞ ❝ the culmination of love is grief, and still we open our hearts to the inevitable. ❞ ❝ why aren’t we working together? ❞ ❝ maybe together we can take back what’s ours. ❞ ❝ you don’t hear me spreading your business all around town, do you? ❞ ❝ you judge me? you? ❞ ❝ you think i’m being stupid. ❞ ❝ go before i change my mind. ❞ ❝ you deserve nothing but pain. ❞ ❝ always expect the unexpected. ❞ ❝ don’t go telling anyone about that. ❞ ❝ i shouldn’t have listened to you. ❞ ❝ you think my anger is irrational? ❞ ❝ prophecies are slippery by nature. ❞ ❝ seek no quarrel with me, and i’ll have no quarrel with you. ❞ ❝ you’re a destroyer, like me. ❞ ❝ you think i’m trouble? you just met me. ❞ ❝ not sure that makes me feel any better... ❞ ❝ let me see the monster inside. ❞ ❝ i know what you’re doing.     trying to play on my sympathies in the hope i let you live. ❞ ❝ i do not want you to feel alone. ❞ ❝ the mistakes of the past need not be repeated. ❞ ❝ never mind...i shouldn’t have asked. ❞ ❝ i regret many things. killing you will not be one of them. ❞ ❝ do you believe in fate? ❞ ❝ you can’t kill what you can’t catch. ❞ ❝ i just could use some fresh air, is all. ❞ ❝ i told you never to come back here. ❞  

#roleplay meme #roleplay starters #rp meme #rp starters #long post for ts #gow spoilers #god of war spoilers

[chemdisaster]

okay so i made this post a while back and now i've had more ideas

so there's a lot of potential with this. whether or not scar knows what he's doing, what kind of curse it is - things progressively going more and more wrong for the other hermits, them falling ill over the course of season 8, scar turning everyone into hybrids, SCAR CAUSING MOON BIG-

the idea i'm most insane over is the curse being an illness of some sort. so last life ends and everyone feels off. and at first they think it's just post-life game stress. but it doesn't stop. maybe it starts off as a small cough - but then it's cramps and lightheadedness and then people are fainting and coughing up blood. it's rough. by the time moon big happens, everyone's in awful shape and no one can figure out what's going on. 

now, scar. he comes back from last life and he's - well, he's miserable. so he isolates himself, doesn't really speak to anyone if he can help it. he does hear bits and pieces about what's going on, small rants in chat, that sort of thing, and he's torn between "why should he care" and "good, let them suffer". he feels weird, himself - but compared to the anger and betrayal and hate and hurt coursing through him, it doesn't really stick out. 

then maybe at some point he realises that stewing in his misery isn't healthy. and he wants to fix things, he misses his friends. so he starts making an effort to talk with the others more again. tries to convince himself that everything's fine, enough time has passed, he's fine. but he can't get rid of the burning anger and hurt he feels when he looks at them. can't help the vindictive pleasure when they cough in front of him. 

so now things just keep getting worse for everyone, right. and scar is starting to suspect something's wrong. he knows what using his magic feels like, and something feels off. imagine the slow progression of that. him going from suspecting that something is going on, to dreading it, watching everyone bend over in pain whenever he's near, still being partly satisfied as they do-

when he's finally sure that he's the one causing this, i'm imagining him having the worst breakdown. it's everything he's feeling - all the things that happened months ago that hurt as if they're still happening now, but worse. the realisation that he lied to himself when he said everything was okay, that it's not and now other people are suffering because of it. the hopelessness because he doesn't know how to stop it. he doesn't know how to make himself not feel. he wants to fix this and a part of him is still happy that they're in pain. 

now, imagine when they get to s9. all the effects of the curse are suddenly gone. everyone is happy. and scar immediately goes as far as he can because he can't let that happen again. and now he's not just sad, he's afraid. afraid of himself and what he can do, afraid that there's no amount of distance he can go, that as long as he exists everyone involved will keep hurting. and at this point maybe the curse turns inward. 

imagine someone - grian because i'm a desert duo bitch - finding him. he finds him and scar is just curled up on the floor, pale, hugging himself, in pain, both physical and emotional. and grian kneels next to him and holds his face in his hands. and scar doesn't look at him, and he doesn't say anything. because nothing he says can fix this. not anymore. 

imagine when it turns out that this can be fixed. scar lets grian know that he's too far gone, and he expects, begs him to drop it. but grian just keeps coming over. and others start coming over, too. they help scar through it, just sitting next to him as he writhes in agony on the floor, in enough pain that he finally truly lets himself feel - all the betrayal and hurt and guilt and why are they here, after it all, after what he did and what they did to him. 

scar barely notices when it eventually eases up, at first. when no one around him falls ill. when he can look at the others and not feel the cold of a lonely mountain and the burning of a pool of lava. when he can breathe and not be tripping and stumbling over every inhale. when, bit by bit, it starts getting better. 

his magic notices, though. and it starts to go outward again, but this time it's good. instead of dragging blood out of his friends' throats, now his magic grows flowers all around him - they're soft and pretty and a sign that he's healing. and maybe one day scar inhales their scent. and he gives grian a bouquet and asks if they can still be friends. and it's - it's okay. it's all okay. 

in conclusion, aaaaaaaaa

#gtws angst #gtws #gtwscar #goodtimeswithscar #grian #desert duo #last life scar my beloved #last life #last life smp #llsmp #ll scar #last life scar #last life gtws #last life series #life series #life smp #textdisaster

[resident-idiot-simp]

I’ve always hated media interpretations of hope, usually its depicted as an innocent fragile little thing that needs to be protected regardless of what form it’s taken ie inanimate object, animal, human or just a concept. I actually like what they did with hope in the Percy Jackson universe but I won’t into details here for fear of spoilers.

I think Ghost as the God of Hope works really well because he (nearly) always survives regardless or in spite of what it will take to live like when he dug himself out of his own grave. None of it was pretty or kind and there are even moments where he is small and fragile but it feels earnt in the story and hearing still survived Hope has a nasty habit of springing back up even after you’ve squashed it.

I fell like people have a habit of writing Despair as some loud ugly thing that just lashes out and it can be that but it can also be silent and still or even seemingly happy it doesn’t always lead to steaming and crying I have literally seen people so sad they start laughing.

I’ve think Soap as the God Despair works so well as well because people also sometimes mischaracterise him as this happy go lucky guy who not as smart or as good at his job compared to the rest of the 141 and Ghost in particular, he may not be as stealthy as Ghost but he’s more destructive and I would argue smarter in a book sense way.

As Gods I’d say they both have a Grim determination to get the job done the difference being hope fighting for the end and despair fighting till the end.

One of the inspirations for this idea was the story of Pandora and the Alone mission. Soap opens the proverbial jar and lets out the nightmares when questioning graves on his and shepherd’s betrayal. Pandora was curios and opened the jar realising evil unto the world. Ghost stayed to watch over and guide Soap through a city being destroyed by monsters they’d previously helped. Hope was the last thing left in the jar and it stayed to protect and help humanity survive.

When questioned about Ghost staying behind to help Soap in Las Alma’s they both responded together and opposite eachother, Soap in despair felling alone and Ghost resolute always there.

This was supposed to be short lol

Side note imagine 09 Ghost Soap Persephone and Hades

I agree honestly it misses the whole point of hope smh.

OOHHH amazing reasoning absolutely agree with you. God and that is such a powerful connection and example. That even in the worst moments humanity will always succeed and conquer.

I have to it is a sight to see and so telling of the sheer lengths people can go and what they can handle. The amount of respect I have for people who suffer so much and can still smile is beyond words. My mom is disabled and was told she would never work again, but that woman got up and told the world to fuck Itself. She got better It's still hard and there are days she can't get out of bed, but she beat the predictions. She has chronic fatigue and chronic pain with fibromyalgia, she has a heart aneurysm we are keeping a close eye on and just beat breast cancer. She from what I have seen is the embodiment of hope and the strength of the human spirit.

Completely agree as does @azilver we talk about this a lot. People really don't understand Soap's character and it sucks. It's all a mask or if it isn't it is a tool in his arsenal so people don't realize how dangerous he is.

Again, completely agree.

YES, GOD DO YOU HAVE A LINK I NEED TO CONSUME THAT LIKE CRACK!

AGAIN, SPOT ON! That is such a good way to tie that line into the idea as well as a good basis on top of the already solid reasoning!

(HOLY SHIT!!!! OMFG YOUR RIGHT THE LIST IS BEING ADDED TO THAT IS SO BASED)

#call of duty modern warfare #cod modern warfare #hybrid au annon #Resi responds #deity ghost

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

would love to more chapter four thoughts,,, maybe even about his execution if you have any thoughts about it you haven’t shared!

Ohh Gonta's execution!! My opinion's kinda shifted on it over time so I'm very happy to talk about it.

When I first played ch4 I very vocally hated his execution. It was the last straw for me in a very painful trial, and honestly I was just disgusted by the monokubs' role in it. I still am. That definitely hasn't changed LMAO. As with many things in v3, the monokubs really weren't necessary and actively made it more upsetting in a way that I think detracted from the tragedy already happening on screen. Also, I'm still a bit puzzled by the wild west theming? Like... sure? It's not the worst thing in the world but wouldn't something relating to his backstory in being raised by wolves be more relevant?

That being said... I do think it did one thing extremely well. The way the execution had Gonta placed (completely tied up and unable to move) was a good move for his character. Gonta was facing his death head on, not even trying to resist. I think any execution that has Gonta resist kind of misses the place Gonta was put into at the end of trial 4. So putting him a situation where things happen to him, rather than him having to pointlessly try to prevent his death, was a good choice.

I'm still not the biggest fan because of the big stain of the monokubs, but ignoring them for a second its really not that bad of an execution. Still probably not my favourite in v3 (that honour goes to Kaede or Kaito). I also Wish they had leaned more into fun bug theming, but I understand that bug related horror can get to be too much very quickly. I would also have liked if they had leaned into other things relevant to Gonta's character (I'm still confused... wild west???). I do have some fun alternate execution proposals:

The classic I think most people talk about is something to do with insect pinning, which I think is an AWESOME idea. Or alternatively, maybe something to do with how you often freeze live insects before pinning them? Or how smaller insects are preserved in vials of alcohol instead of being pinned? Regardless, I think this is an great idea

Something to do with spiders. I know they're not insects, but Gonta likes ALL arthropods so...

Something to do with insect molting or pupating. I think either being trapped inside a pupa or having to escape an insect molt could be a fun idea. Escaping a molt is probably too active for Gonta's headspace at the end of trial 4 though, and I'm not entirely sure what could kill him from this that doesn't repeat a previous execution.

MY Alternate execution idea, which incorporates Gonta's desire to be a gentleman. Gonta is at a fancy dinner party, all other guests being finely dressed mannequins. Gonta is either eating at a table with lots of high profile guests OR his hands are tied in the position of a waltz around a mannequin. Every time he slips up in etiquette or dance steps, the mannequins scowl and heckle him. Meanwhile, a giant bug zapper is displayed on stage in the ballroom. As Gonta attempts to put all his focus into being proper and gentlemanly, more and more insects are being lead to the zapper and dying vividly. Eventually, Gonta can't take it anymore and abandons all decorum. In the dining scenario, I imagine him vaulting over the table and knocking it over entirely. In the dancing scenario, I imagine him tearing free from the mannequin, potentially destroying it. He runs onto the stage, to the shock and vocal disgust of the mannequins, attempting to turn off the zapper. But he's unable to stop it and gets electrocuted to death. This. Is definitely too active for the end of trial 4. But I really like executions where the character has to struggle to remain composed against it (like Makoto's), so it's a concept I've rotated around in my mind a bit.

#gonta gokuhara #drv3 spoilers #pluto answers #THANK YOU FOR THE ASK KIND ANON!! #thrills chills queues #(its. 2am)

[blueicequeen19]

Cruel Intensions Pt. 2

Warnings: dub-con with dark JJ

JJ brings me back to his apartment. I don’t get the chance to look around but I can tell it’s sparse, like he’s not here often. Just enough to sleep. He shoves me down on the bed not even bothering with the lights as he manhandles me onto my back and attaches his mouth to my clit.

“Oh, shit.” I gasp, my hips bucking on their own as my denied orgasm races forward again. I might cry if he denies me again. His hands dig into my thighs, spreading me painfully wide as he licks and sucks while staring at me with those hateful blue eyes. My back arches off the bed like I’m possessed until my body explodes and I scream my release. One turns to two then three until I finally swat and push at his head to get him to stop. I try to crawl away to the center of the bed but my legs are jello and he’s yanking me back.

“Im not done. Im no where near fucking done with you.” I stare at him as he quickly stands and strips. I’d forgotten how beautiful he was. He even has that stupid V that makes girls go crazy. I lick my lip’s despite the little voice in my head telling me to run like hell.

“Do you like what you see?” JJ asks, stroking his cock hard and twisting at the end. It seemed like it might be painful. “I know I do. You seem awfully shy for a slut.” JJ grabs my ankles and yanks me to the edge of the bed, ripping my shirt over my head then tearing my bra off.

“I’m not a slut.”

“That’s not what I heard.” I lift my hips to remove my skirt but he stops me.

“The skirt stays. I like it.” JJ begins crawling towards me as I crawl backwards to escape him.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing but I’ve had enough.” JJ growls, pinning me beneath him as he shoves my legs apart and slaps my clit. I cry out and he does it over and over. I try to cover myself but he slaps my hand away, using his cock instead. I don’t get any warning before he’s shoving it inside me. My eyes immediately start to roll back.

“Goddamn it, you feel so good.” JJ bites out, giving shallow thrusts as he works himself deeper. I brace my hands on his chest, moaning and whimpering the deeper he gets.

“Look how stretched you are. Poor thing.” JJ reaches between us and spreads my pussy lips even further as he watches himself disappear inside me.

“It’s too much like this.” I breathe and he laughs.

“You can handle it. Filthy little slut like you has probably fucked half the island by now.”

“I told you, I’ve only ever been with you.” He’s suddenly in my face, eyes bright with his anger as he buries himself fully inside me.

“Liar.” JJ spats, withdrawing half way and slamming back in so hard I’m crying out. He does it a few more times before yanking away with a curse, burying his fingers inside me instead.

“Fuck, I’m going to cum again already.” JJ spats, like it’s the worst thing imaginable.

“JJ, I—.” I reach my peak too fast and hard with the way he angrily fucks me with his fingers.

“So tight even after four orgasms.” JJ licks a stripe through my slit that has me bowing off the bed before quickly shoving his cock back inside me.

“JJ, fuck.” I whine, digging my nails down his back. He hisses, gripping my throat as his hips snaps forward harder and harder.

“Did you think about me while you were fucking other people? Did you miss me at all while you were whoring yourself around?” I don’t even realize what I’ve done until he levels me with a murderous look and my palm stings.

“I don’t know who’s been feeding you your information but they lied to you.” I growl. His hand wraps around my throat and my body squeezes around him. He lets out a shuddering breath but I can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t know what to believe. That tough shell is cracking because he wants to believe me.

I don’t get any warning when he slams his lips down on mine in a toe curling kiss. His tongue dives into my mouth, claiming me as deeply as he can. I don’t know why he feels the need to claim me, I’ve always been his.

I feel myself clenching then he’s moaning against my lips as he releases inside me, signaling my own orgasm.

My brain is still in a fog when he pulls away. I catch sight of him pulling on his boxers just before stepping out on to the balcony to smoke. I pull on his shirt with my skirt, since he still has my panties, and I take a moment to admire his chiseled back before stepping out too. The smell of weed is thick in the air.

“I hate you.” He finally says as I lean against the glass door with my arms crossed, crossing my legs at my ankle when I feel myself starting to drip.

“I know you do.”

“Why didn’t you get with anyone else?”

“Because I told you I wouldn’t.”

“That was before you sent me to jail.”

“I still meant it. I only ever wanted you.”

“Enough. You’re under my skin already. No need to make it further.”

“I’m only telling you the truth.”

“I don’t know that. I don’t trust you. I hate that my heart wants to cling onto every word you say while my brain tells me something else.” JJ finishes off his joint, keeping the distance between us as he leans against the railing.

“Believe what you want.” I let my hands slap against my thighs in defeat. I turn to go back inside when his arm wraps around my waist, his free hand diving under my skirt.

“You’re making a mess.” JJ growls in my ear, sliding his fingers through my slit.

“It’s your fault.” I try to sound angrier than I feel but it’s hard when his fingers rub circles into my clit. He nuzzles into the side of my neck, nipping and kissing as her torments me. I grip the handle on the door tightly to try and ground myself.

“JJ, I need to go home.” I whisper and he pauses, slowly turning me so I can look up into his angry blue eyes.

“You mean your parents house.”

“I live there.”

“Not anymore.”

“And where do I live now? Here? With you? Why would I agree to that?”

“You’re delusional if you think for a second that you have a fucking choice. You owe me.” JJ growls, caging me in with his arms braced against the glass door. “I don’t need your compliance.”

“Will you punish me forever?” I whisper, biting back tears.

“Is being in my bed really a punishment?” His voice is lower as he swipes his thumb over my bottom lip, his hard cock pressed against my stomach. I try to turn away to hide the way my cheeks burn but he grabs my chin, holding me in place.

“They will never let me go.” I whisper, ignoring his question.

“They can name you heir and your children can continue their legacy but it’ll be my name and my children you give them. I know they’re hosting a charity event that’s meant for you to meant all the matches they’ve lined up for you. We are going to crash it. Now turn around and bend over.”

#jj maybank smut #smutwarning #outer banks smut #dark #dark!fic #tw dark content #dark!jj maybank #jj maybank x reader smut

[eddieobsessed]

i’m worried about you…

pairing: fem!reader x eddie munson

summary: you’re extremely depressed and eddie takes care of you

warnings: angst/ fluff, happy ending. swearing, ed, depression, i think that’s it but tell me if i missed any

a/n: a little angsty story to reflect how i’m feeling. i know eds and depression aren’t like this for everyone, but this is how they manifest for me. also sorry for the long intro to this story. leave requests and criticism<3 (not proofread)

you had some bad habits. self-destructive ones. they only got worse when you were in a bad headspace. and that’s exactly where you were right now. if you imagined what your brain looks like, all you would see is a black void. you felt so, so shitty and you didn’t know what to do about it.

when you got like this, you also tended to hate everything about yourself. your body, your voice, the way you smiled. you hating your body was the worst. you could stare at yourself in the mirror for hours and keep picking out new points of insecurity. how pointy your knees were. how your neck was too long. how your ribs were too wide. but the worst of all was your stomach. no matter the size, you always thought it was too big. or that it was shaped weird. shouldn’t it be flat? you thought to yourself.

there was one thing in the entire world that made you feel a smidgen better. and that was your boyfriend, eddie munson. he always knew how to make you smile when you feel like you can’t. when you’re upset he spends extra time with you, just to cheer you up. but the thing is, you hated doing this to him. you hated that he would drop everything to come and be with you. it made you feel like a burden.

this time around was especially bad. you hadn’t showered in four days, you didn’t sleep at night. instead you stayed up thinking about everything that was wrong with you. you hadn’t eaten anything but a bite of a granola bar in the past 24 hours. the hunger in your stomach was painful, but you couldn’t bring yourself to eat anything. you couldn’t bear it. when you ate, it made you feel dirty. you knew that people needed to eat, but you didn’t want to. you ate too much anyways, you felt.

eddie noticed. he noticed right away, actually. he noticed the purple bags under your eyes. he noticed the way your shoulders hung low. and he noticed how you didn’t talk. you didn’t talk, only speaking when you needed to. he was worried, he just didn’t know how to approach you. he knew this episode was a bad one.

you woke in the morning, after getting a single hour of sleep. you turned to your bedside table, where your alarm was ringing through the air. you pressed stop, almost pushing it off the table completely. you let out a long groan, trying to rub tiredness from your eyes. you rolled out of bed and walked into the bathroom. you took a look at yourself. you were revolted. you had basically black half-circles under your eyes, your hair was a greasy mess, and your body looked like a skeleton. you don’t know why, but looking at yourself in such a state made you angry. you were pissed at yourself for letting yourself get to this state, but you were also pissed because you knew you couldn’t stop it. you just had to keep getting worse.

you didn’t bother brushing your hair, or putting it up. you didn’t dare touch your toothbrush. or even think about stepping into the shower. instead, you just peed and left the bathroom. getting back to your room was even worse.

when you opened the door to your room, it made you even more angry. there were clothes everywhere, half you didn’t even remember wearing. your records were strewn about in one corner, and in the opposite was your record player. you tried to ignore the mess and opened your closet. you grabbed the closest pair of sweat pants and threw those on, then finding a tshirt and a sweatshirt to match. you took a final look in the mirror and all you saw was a black, dirty mess. you put the hood up around your head, it didn’t make much of a difference. you left the closet, grabbed your backpack, and left the house.

as you were leaving, you could hear your parents yelling after you. “aren’t you gonna eat breakfast?” “you’ve got to clean your room!” have a good day, sweetie!” jesus, they were annoying.

you hopped into your car, throwing your bag in the seat next to you. you didn’t bother putting music on, the ride silent and long.

once you got to school, you stayed in your car extra long, waiting for everyone to leave the parking lot. you didn’t want to face anyone, especially not eddie. you knew he was worried about you, you just didn’t care enough to talk to him.

once the parking lot was pretty much clear, apart from a few stragglers, you grabbed your backpack and hopped out. you strode from your car to the school, your head down the entire time.

TIME SKIP

it was now lunch time, but you couldn’t be bothered to actually get any. you walked into the cafeteria, immediately spotting your boyfriend and his crew. normally, you’d go over, seating yourself on his lap, laughing along with the group. but today? you found an empty table across the lunchroom from them. once you sat down, you put your head down, hoping you get a quick nap in.

as you were falling into sleep, you felt a hand tug you on the shoulder. you whipped around to curse out whoever it was, but you were already being dragged out of the cafeteria.

once in the hallway, you realized it was eddie you dragged you out here.

“eddie what the hell, i was trying to sleep.” you snap at him.

“y/n, i’m worried about you. you wont talk to me, you look like shit-“ he realizes what he just said before continuing.

“wow, thanks for the compliment, you think i don’t know how i fucking look? yeah, eddie, i know i look fucking sick.” you cross your arms over your chest.

“that’s not what i meant, i’m just worried about you. you’re not okay and i can tell.” he tries to hug you, but you wriggle out of his embrace.

“i’m fine, eddie, honestly.” you wanted to tell him the truth, but you didn’t want to burden him with your problems.

“okay, y’know what.” he grabs you by the legs and throws you over his shoulder. you kick and punch at him, but he was an iron grip.

“eddie, put the fuck down right now! i don’t need your fucking help! put me down!” you scream at him. you continue to to kick and punch him, but it’s no use.

he doesn’t talk again until you’re in the passenger seat of his van. you huff as he sets you down, punching him some more. before you get out, he’s in the driver’s seat, turning on the car.

“eddie, we’re in the middle of fucking school, where the hell are we going.” you can feel the anger bubbling in your veins. you just don’t want him to help. you feel bad making him deal with you.

“we’re going back to my place and you’re telling me what’s wrong.” he says, sternly. his grip around the steering wheel is tight, his knuckles turning white. what the hell does he have to be mad about? you say to yourself, turning and looking out the window.

once you get to his house, he opens your door for you. you walk up to his door, still with your head hanging low. you know he’s going to confront you, you just don’t know what to say when he does.

he opens the front door for you and you shyly walk inside. once he’s inside as well, he shuts the door slowly, almost like he’s preparing himself. this scares you. what if you pushed him away too far this time? what if this his final straw?

“y/n, i know something is up. i don’t know if i did something, or you’re done with me, i just need to know what’s up. i need to know what’s going on in my girl’s head.” he walks to you and looks down at you. you’re still too scared to meet his gaze. there’s a million things you want to say, but you can’t find the right words to do so.

“eddie…i…i don’t know what’s wrong.” the words start spilling out of you, without your control. “i’m so tired, but i cant sleep. i’m hungry, but i wont eat. and my entire body just aches all the time. i feel like im going to pass out most of the time. my mind is a never ending void, and i just keep falling farther into it.” you’re crying now, saying everything through short sobs and hiccups. eddie cups your face in his hands, turning your face to look at his. he swipes away your tears, but it’s really no use because they just keep coming.

“y/n, you need to tell me this stuff. i’m here for you baby.” his eyes are pleading to have a look into your mind. you can tell he really cares.

“i know, but i feel like such a burden. i don’t like worrying you with my problems.” the sobs start racking through your body. you shake and hyperventilate. being vulnerable scares you, even though you’ve done it a million times before with him.

“hey, y/n, breathe. take a deep breath sweetheart.” he pulls you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you tight. you cant stop crying, but his hand running down your back soothes you.

“eddie-please help me. i need help.” you say into his chest. he hugs you a bit tighter before pulling away just enough to look at you.

“y/n, i will help you, but you need to let me help you. you’re not burdening me with your problems, i love soothing you. you just need to tell me them, so that i can help you before things get this bad. now what can i do for you?” he places a kiss to your forehead and swipes some more tears away.

“i-i need a shower. and i need to clean my teeth.” you laugh a little, knowing your breath smells rank.

“alright, good job honey. do you want to shower with me, or by yourself?” he says, walking to the bathroom.

“with you, please.” his hand in is yours as you follow him. he turns on the shower and asks if you’re okay with the temperature. he helps you strip and get into the shower, before shedding his own clothes.

in the shower, he washes your hair and body, helping you stay up straight. as he’s washing you, he sees just how skinny you’ve gotten. he decides not to say anything, but it puts a strain on his chest. he’s careful with your legs and arms. and when he gets to your torso, he holds back tears as he can see your ribs. once he’s gotten you clean and rinsed, he helps you out of the shower and wraps you in a towel.

“alright, let me see if i have a spare toothbrush for you. should be around here somewhere…” he says looking in drawers. as he does, you look at yourself in the mirror, realizing what he just saw. you start to cry again and he pulls you into another hug.

“what is it, baby? what’s got you crying?” he hugs you more carefully this time, worrying he might hurt you.

“i’m a fucking skeleton.”

“baby, let’s skip the teeth and get some food in you. i know you’re starving.” he carries you into the kitchen, setting you down on the counter.

“alright what do you want? i think we have some ramen somewhere, or i could make you a sandwich. or do you want a burger? i think i could one up” you laugh at how he thinks he can cook a burger.

“we both know you can’t cook a burger. ramen will be just fine.” you’re still laughing when he gives you a hurt expression.

“oh, c’mon, i can totally cook a burger. i’d rather not burn down my kitchen today, so i’ll go with the ramen. but one day i will cook you the best burger you’ve ever had.” he jokes as he grabs a pot.

“we’ll see about that.”

you sit on the counter, watching him cook as he hums a little tune. you jump off the counter and grab his hand. knowing what you’re doing, he spins you around, by the arm. he grabs your waist and pulls you into him. you get lost in the dancing and are only pulled out it, when you hear sizzling.

“eddie! you let the water boil over!”

“oh shit!” he jumps towards the stove and moves the pan off the burner. you crumble with laughter.

soon, the ramen is done and you’re seated on the couch with the bowl in front of you. you’re scared. your stomach is screaming for food, but you don’t think you can do it.

“come on, baby. you gotta eat.” eddie coaxes the bowl towards you. he’s rubbing his hand up and down your back. you finally get of the feeling in your stomach, grabbing the bowl. you shove a huge chunk into your mouth and chew.

“woah, slow down, honey. i don’t know the  Heimlich maneuver.” he laughs through his words. you try to smile at him, your mouth filled with noodles. he laughs more at that, before turning on the tv.

once you’ve finished your food, eddie is immediately proud of you. “good job honey, thank you for eating.” he holds your face and kisses you.

“thank you eds” you say through the kiss.

“alright, now let’s get you dressed.” he lifts you up again and carries you to his bedroom where he sets you on the bed.

“how does one of my shirts and a pair of boxers sound?” he asks, holding up the two items.

“sounds perfect.” you say, standing up.

“alright now lift your hands over your head so i can dress you”

“eddie, i can dress myself y’know”

“shush, let me take care of you” he lifts your arms and pulls the shirt over your head. then he leans down, having you step into the boxers. once he pulls them around your waist, he lays on the bed.

“come here, pretty girl.” he opens his arms for you, before you crawl on top of him. you nuzzle your head into neck as he rubs your back.

“thank you for taking care of me. i’m sorry for not talking to you sooner. i love you eds” you say into his neck

“i love taking care of you. and don’t be sorry, i know how hard it is for you to talk to people about these things. i love you too, sweet girl. now try to get some sleep.”

soon you’re drifting off to sleep as he plants kisses to your head and holds you a little closer.

#eddie munson #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson fanfic #eddie x reader #stranger things 4 #eddie stranger things #stranger things #fanfic #eddie munson angst #stranger things angst

[inthebeginning-rebellion]

i do think people are taking djenks 'izzy is a father figure!!' comment a little too literally

ED saw Izzy as a mentor/'father' figure, a safe, codependent, but also deeply toxic and volatile bond. 'I loved you, as best I could.' he could never love Izzy in a way that was... better, because it was dependent on violence and repression of the true self. I don't think he really saw Izzy as a DAD, it was more that he was a sort of... amalgamation of a lot of things that Ed never had and wished he had but were still not what Ed dreamed of. Lucius says to Stede 'maybe the time with you is the best he was ever gonna get'. Izzy was... the best of a lot of bad relationships, but still not a relationship where he could be his true self. He had to be Izzy's ideal.

Izzy loved who he and Ed were together, the infamous notorious brigand of the seven seas Blackbeard and his loyal, deadly first mate. He loved this concept and this ideal and this comfortable niche they built together after a lifetime of not belonging, but he spent all of season 1 HATING Edward, pushing Edward down, wishing Edward would die. He loved an idea of a man that did not exist anymore, and Izzy knew that about Ed, he knew it long before Stede came around and was refusing to acknowledge the fact that he was beating a dead horse. 'I have... love for you.' I have love for who we are together. I have love for the idea of us as a pair. I have love for what we built. But not you, not what's in your heart.

They're still and always will be family, there still is and always will be love, but love that was unequal and dependent on things that did not match up to what the other loved. I think when Izzy comes back, in whatever way they bring him back 'cause look I'm sorry he's not staying dead if we get a season 3 are you kidding me? Buttons is a bird. Ed was dead long enough for the crew to resort to eating raw seabird. Magic is real and love is true and varied and comes in many many forms, and witches turn into seagulls, and widows paint lighthouses, and soup is good, and whim-prone men open inns, and to be loved is to be changed. I think I'd be a lot sadder about Izzy if I wasn't so 100% sure of the fact that he'll be back. I just don't see a world where Izzy isn't there in season 3, I really don't.

I don't think Stede and Ed are going to be staying as Innkeepers for very long. I think they're going to miss the sea and they'll have to get back out there in the great wide open sooner rather than later, and I think they're going to end up bringing Izzy with them in some form or another. I don't think they'll necessarily be pirates, but I do believe The Revenge is home and I do believe they'll find a place to meet in the middle. (I'm saying, Dinner Theater on the Revenge, docking in Nassau, Barbados, and the former Republic of Pirates.)

Anyway the point is. Ed and Izzy felt vastly different types of love for one another and it was tainted by experience and aggression and pain. They brought out each others poisons and when Ed got tired of the poison, Izzy demanded it continue. And by the time he got what he wanted, Izzy, too, had changed too much to want that poison. But he did ask for it, he demanded it. And it nearly killed them all- it did kill Ed. Imagine that, demanding your oldest friend, your family, to be their worst self, regretting it, and then killing him for it. And yes, he became a unicorn and came out of his shell and grew. But there's still... more, for Izzy to become.

His death will be his rebirth, I think, in a way that goes far beyond the unicorn. He is the spirit of piracy. He became that, in season 2. If we get season 3, fuck it man. Give me ghost pirate Captain Hands, the true and literal spirit of piracy.

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd meta #meta #long post #takes a massive hit from my vape #its just like #he's the spirit man #he's the thing that saves you from a cutlass swing you shouldn't have been able to dodge #the thing that makes an impossible shot ring true #the indestructible little fucker you cannot get rid of because there will always be indestructible little fuckers #running around the world and saying fuck you not today #fuck you i was awful to a person i was supposed to care about but now im here to stay and keep an eye on all of them #and you can't kill that which is already dead #man i dont even care about izzy that much #but everybody's got such wild takes and im like uuuugggh guys #it's cool relax don't worry

[heyitssashag]

I completed the 10k race, today!

I didn’t sit at a bench and take a break. I also didn’t come in last. (Both were my biggest fears when running this today …other than falling, breaking bones and ending up in hospital.) This is officially the worst time I’ve ever had: 1:22:16 for a 10k race. That being said, I don’t care. lol. I’m super proud of myself for trying and finishing. I was really contemplating about not showing up at the start line this morning. So glad I did! There was lots of energy and excitement. Thousands of people were dancing, hyped up and getting into the spirit.

There’s a quote that came to my mind and I can’t remember who said it (but it was by an ultramarathoner). I don’t even remember if these are the exact words but it went something like this:

Running is 99% mental. The rest is mental.

Running requires a lot of mental stamina when doing the longer distances. 10k isn’t much for healthy people and most can run the whole thing without an issue. For someone like myself who deals with pretty serious health problems and chronic pain, this was a big deal! It required a lot of positive thinking throughout!

I think I can. I think I can.

lol

(Little Side Note: Before anyone thinks I’m nuts for doing this race, I did get the “okay” from the neurosurgeon, prior. 😊)

The race was held in downtown Victoria by the BC Legislature. I’ve never ran this one before. So glad I did. The weather was perfect for it as well!

My kid accompanied me and waited by the finish line. Then I grabbed my much anticipated decaf americano at Starbucks and we jumped on the long bus ride home. I’ve taken 2 pain pills, today. I’ll likely need to take another one later. I’m contemplating about taking an anti-inflammatory as well but I hate taking those as they’re hard on the gut. (I have some that are prescribed.) I may wait until tomorrow as I usually tend to have more pain the following day or 2 after exercise.

Tomorrow I see the oncologist and also a counsellor at the Cancer Agency (in person). I’m not happy that I have to take the super long bus ride back into town again but it’s important I talk to them. I’ll be discussing what the protocol is if/when I have to go off my medications for surgery. I imagine I’ll need to do that a few weeks prior. The nice thing about that is my immune system will hopefully have some time to recover …a little. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo. Ha. Kidding. I believe I’ve mentioned this before but incase you missed that post, another interesting fun fact about me is that I’m allergic to tattoos. I broke out in hives for nearly 4 months around my first (and last) tattoo. I even started looking at places to get it removed. Finally it calmed down and I didn’t have to live on antihistamines anymore. So weird. I’ve won the lotto when it comes to getting strange health things. lol.

Anyway, I’m now laying on my heating pad with Steve the cat. I just checked my step count and I’ve done over 21,000, already. Yay! This evening, I’ll be meeting a friend over Zoom so I’m looking forward to that. Right now, I’m going to make a cup of tea and read my book.

#metastatic breast cancer #now I’m craving chocolate #running makes me crave sweets #everything actually makes me crave sweets #10k Sunday #race report #broken neck recovery #blogging on my blog

[martinacollenderplaywrightblog]

The day Leonard Cohen died even the sky wept for him. I woke to texts from my friends at the time trying to protect my broken heart from grieving but as much as we want to protect our loved one's hearts from grieving it's a form of magic not accessible to us mere mortals. I died a thousand times missing Leonard and I know some people will call me silly for grieving for someone I didn't know but what you must understand, I spent so many lonely nights comforted by his words and his words alone, so how could I not know him?

I went to see the Elvis film with my sister, and as I walked into the cinema, I KNEW he died at 42, I know he suffered drug and alcohol abuse, I KNEW this but still the knowledge didn't protect me from breaking down in the cinema when they showed his last performance singing "Unchained Melody" and when he sang "I'll be coming home, wait for me" I disvoled into a grief of such intensity I was sure I was simply going to die. There's a moment in the film where his ex wife is telling him I can get you help, I can bring you to Rehab and there's a deep sadness in him and he just says no. That's all he says is no. Two letters. But those two tiny letters held this pain that he was beyond help.

I'm poor and a nobody. Somedays I fantasise about being famous and rich but most days I'm grateful for being a nobody. I think it's a terrible infliction to be famous. Your worst days, the times your on your knees are splashed across the front pages of newspapers and people talk about you as if your absent of feelings. The world watched Amy Whinehouse, Elvis, Whitney Houston, Leonard Cohen and many many more being really sick and suffering. There pain was splashed across newspapers and people on radio and TV debated there sickness and addictions as if it was entertainment.

I'm a huge fan of Harry Potter; it was my childhood and I'm grieving because JK Rowling has come out with such hate for trans people who I adore, I'm heartbroken that my childhood hero has turned to hate against the very people she gave hope to. Daniel Radcliffe suffered an alcohol problem, he said he turned 18 and was handed millions of pounds and was surrounded by people who never said no to him and he began drinking a lot. I don't judge him for a second as I often to turned to seeking answers at an end of a bottle but it upset that pictures of him drunk and in an awful state where splashed across the papers, imagine being on your knees in pain and photos of your agony being so public, it's horrible and cruel. Emma Watson said in a interview the day the she turned 18 she went for dinner with her family and when she can out of the restaurant, the photographers were lying on the ground trying to get photos of her underwear up her dressed because she was now 18. To be victimised at such a young and venerable age was deeply distressing to me particularly Emma who is a fierce warrior for equality for women. These are just two examples of how vicious the media can be with no regard for human emotions and feelings.

I'm from Waterford, Ireland and I joined Waterford Youth Arts when I was 15 years old because I was interested in theatre. I hated it. There was far too much hugging and screaming from the other members and I found the games stupid and embrassing. I was all set to leave the world behind me after a month or two when I made my way to Garter Lane Theatre to see a production of To Leap From Paradise by the late, great Jim Daly. I was captivated and fell in love with the words and life's on stage I recognised as my own. I found out about Red Kettle Theatre Company and fell in love with the idea that a group of people from my home, from Waterford, got together and created magic. I loved that they put on plays with a beginning, a middle and an end with sets and costumes. I was far more interested in this than playing silly games. In my investigation of this group of people I discovered Ben Hennessy, a wonderful artist and set designer, my now favourite ever Playwright Jim Nolan and an extraordinary actress Jenni Ledwell. They were so talented, nationally known and famous artists, and they were from my hometown. I adored them and they became my hero's, by absolute stroke of luck they became my friends I'm so grateful to be able to say. I remember seeing Jenni Ledwell in Eden in The Theatre Royal and I fell head over heels in love with her. She was amazing and stole my heart. I waited for her afterwards with the intention of asking for her autograph, but when she came out from backstage in whirl of energy and light with a radiant smile I was too shy to go up to her, this was THE Jenni Ledwell like. I told her years later when we became friends and she laughed and said "Yea fecking eejit Teeny!" We lost Jenni recently and I've never been as affected by death as I was by hers, the grieve of losing someone famous, someone I adored and someone who is my friend is unbearable on the worst days, heartwrenching on the somewhat better days.

I find it very distressing to watch these famous people suffering because in my mind I simply can't separate the fact that they have feelings and are in pain with that there famous.

When I told my pyschratist I was grieving them, a look of utter confusion came across his face and he said "I'm sorry Martina we don't have a tablet for that" he simply didn't know what to do with such an intense grief on a daily bases.

I'm a mess, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm happy, I'm always crying. I can't separate loving someone and being in pain for their pain, I'm constantly and forever more overcome with emotions on a daily bases, either overcome with love and drowned in grief. I'm mental and I don't know if it's because I'm mental or if it's just the way I am but everything is very intense. It's a price I pay for being able to love and if that's the cost I don't mind paying it.

I'm obsessed with famous people, the talented who rise to the top, sometimes I feel like I have no right to know these initmate details of their lives but I only want to know to understand their lives and hearts.

I was going through a really hard time, was hidden in lies and secrets. Jim Nolan, my favourite Playwright knew me briefly at the time, he could see I was in pain and reached out to meet me for a coffee. I couldn't tell him what was troubling me. The coffee was brief because I didn't have the words to explain my pain but at the end Jim peered at me with concerned eyes and said "Martina someone told me on my dark days, no matter how bad things seem, it WILL pass, try and remember that" I didn't believe him at the time, I couldn't ever imagine that pain leaving but I'm grateful to say Jim WAS right. It passed. It was such a gift to know my hero, someone famous, had dark days too and survived. It gave me hope that not only could I survive but I might be able to be talented too despite my faults.

Right now, I'm exhausted with emotion, nothing bad happened! In fact quiet the opposite I had a great week but I'm just drained for feeling so happy and love for my friends and family. I do become so overwhelmed with love for the people in my life I have to cry to release the emotions. Its funny and I'm used to it and I know I need to rest for a time now. I wonder if their is a heaven, and I highly doubt I'd be allowed in for my sins but if I am I wonder will I get to meet these famous people and thank them for the profound impact they've had in my life. Because really amongst the love is a deep gratitude to them. What can I say, I love the bones off them!

#writing #poetry poem writing prose #quotes #famous #Leonard Cohen #Harry Potter #Red Kettle Theatre Company #Jenni Ledwell #Jim Nolan #Ben Hennessy #Theatre #Waterford #Daniel Radcliffe #Emma Watson #50s elvis #Elvis #Crying #Weeping #bipolor

[r0b0tbrainr0t]

Transformers Fic prompts based on supernatural quotes

send me things in my asks (instructions at bottom of post) and I’ll write 150-500 words for you

Freedom is a rope, god wants you to hang yourself with it

Maybe I can be saved

What’s an angel without its wings

Nipples?

Fight the fairies!

Are you god?

[carrier]’s not a “thing”

You used to read to me when I was little

I’m not clean

You don’t get to be sorry!

We’re the ones you should be afraid of

You’re nothing to me

I will hunt you down and kill you

The [bot] with the [unmaker’s] blood

Nothing is worth loosing you

There is reason to hope

I got out or I thought I got out but then my family needed me and this is my life

I’m not scared of angels

I’ve been tortured by the [unmaker] himself

We have all heard of you, the prodigy. The boy king.

I just wanted you to be a kid a little while longer

There is so much evil in the world I feel like I could drown in it

This time it will be final

I’m angry. I’m mad at everything.

This isn’t your memory

Well then I ain’t gonna let him die alone

The fish have begun to anticipate me

Family don’t end with blood, boy.

For some, it’s God’s throne room. For others, it’s Eden. You two, I believe it’s the Cleveland Botanical Garden

You can go straight back to hell you ugly bitch!

Well come on. You a wimp?

I want a family, I want to be safe

I will never be powerless again

I truly cannot imagine the depth of your loss. This was your child. I can’t imagine the pain.

I thought they were perfect, but they were monsters

They were never alone

You say thank you. You say your sorry. You hope they are in a place without sadness or pain. You hope they are somewhere better. You say good bye

Since when is life about getting what you want?

My mom was my hero

I will miss her everyday of my life but she would not want this

No matter how good they are they always end up the same way

You know the worst thing I can think of? The very worst thing? Is for my children to be raised like I was.

That wasn’t fair and I couldn’t do it

I hate you and I love you. I forgive you

He’s a [pick what you want here*] he’s already cursed

Who do I have to kill to get some fries around here?

The king is dead long live the queen

But love is a weakness and I will never be weak again

I did not belong there! I was a freak

I can’t walk, I can’t fight, but I can do something

[insert what you want here*] are never kids, I never was

I’d tell you [bots] to stay out of trouble but what’s the point?

I’m kind of good, which sucks

You think this is righteous? What you’re feeling, it’s called doubt.

But I was raised on Tolkien* man where is all this?

But between you and me I’m a little worried about him

Well you’ve always got little old me

“No keggers” “I don’t have any friends.”

Good god! Never trust anyone!

Now tell me does the punishment fit the crime?

I’m an angel, you ass

I’ll integrate the cat

It always had to be you

My heart breaks for you

I just want it to be over

No. You made them to create lesser beings; to make you large, to make you lord!

Don’t you get it, heaven*, hell, this world. If it ever had a meaning that moment is past.

No one gives us the right, we take it

Oh I’m loyal, to them, to people.

You have no idea what I care about

I was a son, a brother, like you

Where do I even start to look for forgiveness?

Only humans* can feel real joy but also such profound pain

No one makes us do anything

I like… cocaine*

It was night and now it’s day

Accidents don’t happen accidentally

A testament to my unending mercy

We might as well blow coke* and jump on the bed

Teenage mutant ninja angel*

This isn’t her story! it’s mine!

I am being, she is nothingness

I wouldn’t expect you to understand, you are not a father.

There is nothing special about you, not then, not now.

They made their choice, they chose family

I’m old. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Nothing lasts forever, well I do.

I loved you, brother

The word’s most evil skank and and a deadbeat god

Perfect like a marble statue. Cold. No choice, only obedience.

“There is no wrath! No [fill in what you want*]!” “But there’s still me!”

Fallen in every way imaginable

“I’m sorry,” “no you’re not, you don’t even know the feeling”

I was stationed in earth for 2000 years, just watching silent, invisible

The thing inside of you is unholy, it’s an abomination

There’s loyalty, forgiveness, love…

The father you love, you think this is what he wants?

No. I’m sorry. It’s time to think for yourself.

Let him do what he believes is right

If I didn’t hate you, I would love you

The fact remains I do not, will not, and have not ever loved anything ever

I’d wish you’d come with us

“Tell me why you abandoned me? Us?” “Because you disappoint me”

I understand the three beans but what’s the surprise?

I want my wife* back. Oh god, I want her back.

A mother always defends her children

A mother would never abandon her children

I lost my shoe

Hey assbutt!

Balls!

Gay love can pierce the veil of death and save the day (I FUCKING WISH this wasn’t a cannon line in that show)

Go be gay for that poor dead intern!

I was drunk it was Comic-Con

He’s our kid

I’m busy you son of a bitch*, this better be important!

You’re not a talking dog

The killer stuffed dinosaur in love

Why do you keep talking about my shoulders?

I’m Batman

I need sleep, I love sleep

There’s no words in this newspaper

Are we about to shoot this teddy bear?

We’re teddy bear Doctors

He shattered my Shatner!*

That’s not holy water by the way

It’s him! It’s doctor sexy!

I tell you one thing, there is no way I’m kissing that damn frog

Of course it’s not UFOs it’s fairies!

Son, you are all kinds of messed up

It was a little glowing hot naked lady with nipples and she hit me

What makes dick so hard to beat?

Did they get to fifth base?

Don’t roofie me and call it romance

If you dig down deep it’s all dick

Dick made more dicks

What like it’s my first tatoo?

Princess Leia in a bikini, straddling a 20 sided die

“So you’re the man going around pretending to be their father*” “well someone ought to be,”

When the tent is a rockin don’t come a knockin!

Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?

After we kill it we can go to disneyland

I hate that thing. I want one.

It doesn't matter what you are, only what you do

My greatest sin is how many times i have let you down

You don’t even look like a real ghost *gets attack with ghostly abilities*

Why do these people assume were gay

Demos i get, people are crazy

No not really, We have guns and we’ll find you

I kill monsters, that's who the hell i am!

“You’re afraid of my mother?” “i think so,”

“When we freaks die, where do we go? Not heaven, not hell…so?” “Lego land?”

I think you pissed off my sandwich

Maybe you should try plan D for dumbass

It’s lizard, it tastes like lizard

Bert and Ernie are gay

It’s called anime and it’s an art form

You’re like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food button until it dies

I’m not gonna apologize for loving that fish

“It’s like there's light at the end of the tunnel,” “that’s hell fire”

take care of my unicorn

'insane' is kinda what we do

Dude, you were hallucinating sheep on the road

If you know evil’s out there, how can you not believe good’s out there too?

No drinking, no gambling, no premarital sex

they basically just outlawed 90 percent of your personality

Some people are just born tortured

Guess that’s why we all hold onto life so hard… even the dead. We’re all just scared of the unknown

Rebel a little bit… in a healthy, non-satanic way

Killing things that need killing is kind of our job. Last I checked, taking pleasure in that is not a crime.

Why do I have to be some kind of hero?

We going to fight or make out, ’cause I’m getting some real mixed signals here

I think the world’s gonna end bloody. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight. We do have choices. I choose to go down swingin’

Always knew I’d find the source of all evil at a vegan bakery.

Nobody gets that angry unless they’re talking about their own family

Wow, you get a trophy in Stockholm Syndrome

Of course, you should be afraid of the dark! You know what’s out there!

I lost everything for nothing

Don’t make things needlessly complicated as you humans tend to do

If you’re gonna make an omelet, sometimes you have to break some spines

god has a beard

these kids today, with their texting and murder

stop smelling the dead guy

this isn't wallstreet* this is [instert your choice of evil], and we have a little something called integrity

you breed with the mouth of a goat

*butt naked standing in the middle of a drive through lane* father?

*lady in red playing while slow dancing with an alien looking traumatized*

"what are you stoned?" "generally, yeah"

*cupid crying in the corner* should someone maybe go and talk to him?

congratulations [name] and [name] you are both offically virgins

no one in the history of torture's been tortured with the torture like the torture you'll be tortured with

*looks out into the kitchen* I'm gonna get my gun

I need to know everything you know about sex. go.

do we need a cat? doesn't this place feel one species short

on my car, he showed up naked covered in bees

"why do you just assume im not gonna be helpful?" "because you're a dick-wad" "but i'm your dick-wad"

"is that where I messed up?!?!?!?!??" "Sir this is a radio shed...."

"I can't believe you were going to kill me" "you're a zombie" "I'm a tax payer!"

I shot god

it's about a mime that's secretly a cockroach

is ketchup a vegetable?

"how many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?" "frankly, too damn many"

do you want me to do the whole airplane thing with the spoon?

"he's not the brightest bulb but he's so...firm" "please stop talking"

so the demons were too polite?

you're gonna do that thing where you just shut the hell up forever

*watches a play about their own traumatic childhood as preformed by catholic middle school girls*

this drink doesn't look so bad *downs the whole thing* *in a strained voice* I was wrong

real men don't drink out of cups this small

I got it at the hot topical

the ones you can't save, you need to forget about them

The internet is more than just naked people. You do know that?

You’re changing the world, and I want to be a part of it.

My people skills are rusty

People Don’t Just Disappear, [name]. Other People Just Stop Looking For Them

We’ve got work to do

We make our own future

Give me the baby before I snap your neck

Just a couple hours ago, I killed Death. I'm pretty much open for anything

So you're having a midlife crisis?

The universe is trying to tell us something we both/all should already know. We're stronger together than apart

We're far from perfect, but we are good

I see light at the end of this tunnel... And if you come with me, I can take you to it

I was nine years old. He was supposed to say, "Don't be afraid of the dark".

Alright it's time for plan B. We're getting on that plane

What? That I don't turn evil? That I don't turn into some kind of killer?

Well, they weren't evil people, you know. A lot of them were good, just something happened to 'em. Something they couldn't control

Dude, it was more than a sprain. All right? And it was a friggin' demon, but –

Were you ever nice?

There is not much difference between madness and devotion

I so miss being an atheist

What are you looking at? Still learning all you can about the world?

Nice try but hell no!

So...how you been feeling? On edge? Pent-up? Unfulfilled?

It's not like anyone gave me a handbook on how to be a werewolf

This doesn't make us square. If I see you again…

Our family's not cursed. We just...had our dark spots

If you’re going to have faith, you can’t just have it when miracles happen, you have to have it when they don’t

[name], the only thing you would have ended was your life

You don’t have to be ruled by fate. You can choose freedom

I'm extremely old, I think I'm entitled

[name/names] may be a bit rough around the edges, but they're the best [people] I've ever known. And they're my friends

A [fill in]’s memorial complete with monster. [name] would’ve appreciated that

I learned that from the pizza man

We could have been better Gods

What's in that bottle? Delusion?

There’s a new sheriff in town

Pardon me, but I have spent the last "year" as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent

Once, there was only dark. If you ask me, the light’s winning

People don't come here for the truth, they come for good news

They do know we're brothers, right?

She was the love of my life; how many times do I gotta kill her?

You think I’m a magician? I may be able to read thoughts and sense energies in a room, but I can’t just pull facts out of thin air

If we make it out of here alive, we are so breaking up

That was just a sad, pathetic, cry for attention

I know you can't. And you do too

You love the job

Oh, right, right, I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you? I mean, you had like a deck of cards and a wand?

Well, get some doughnuts while you're out

Like Greek myth siren? The Odyssey?

He's like a crappy little credit-card-counting criminal prodigy Rain Man

Let me guess. You're lead dog now, but you would just love my full cooperation

You did it. I-I mean, it was a little touch and go there for a while, but you did it

Drifting serial killers do that

There is a demon in you and you're going to your safety school!

Oh my god! These guys are psychopaths!

no matter what shape you’re in, the bottom line is, you’re family

This sad doomed little world, it needs you.

it needs every last [fill in] it can get

Are you under the impression that family is supposed to make you feel good?

We start and end with family

Getting my ass kicked by those Juggalos was therapeutic

Shut up and drink your beer*

You’re going to wipe out a whole town for one little witch.

Sounds like you’re compensating for something

If it’s my last day on earth I don’t want it to be socially awkward

Power doesn’t control you, you control it.

i can’t. I’m dead

it’s shaped like a papaya

The mustache alone…

I got to start carrying paper clips

with the barbarian queen painted on the side

where did he get coconuts?

with three Exclamation points

boob job?

define "semi functioning"

do not use the words ‘hole in the floor’

So we got a goat dude with the name of a pirate

you don’t want to go fighting ghosts without health insurance

from the neck down, is he smooth like a Ken doll?

I mean we do have the son of Satan living down the hall

i’m the stapler queen

you’re mother Theresa with a neck beard

his blood is glittery?

you crap margaritas

mommy the giant is crying

I don’t miss digestion

three days ago I wasn’t even alive

are perp might just be a giant fly with low self-esteem

wands and swords at dawn

Put on some pants

I think I got asthma

three hearts, the two spleens, the seven nipples

I could steal them from their cages, the monkeys

you’re bidding the moon?

what the hell is kale?

they’re unhappy because the rabbit is fake

lots of dudes wear cowboy hats

*just in general you can fill in any human thing like hands with servos and god with primus for transformers

** you can pick to change the pronouns in any quote

***if you have a supernatural quote not on the list you can comment it and I’ll see if I feel comfortable to add it to the list for you to be able to request

Instructions for asks and I will only be doing this via my asks so if you comment I’m not doing it.

I’m not doing OC or reader shipping but cannon characters from different continuities are okay

A) give me the number of the quote so it can be considered completed

B) give me the quote itself with any changes you want to it such as making he into she or replacing god or the devil with primus and unicron

C) what character/characters you want it to focus on

D) which continuity do you want it written in

ii) I’ve seen all of prime, the bay movies, rescue bots, some of rescue bots academy, most of TFA, season 2 and 3 of cyberverse, have a rough of idea of the goings on in the mtmte comics but haven’t gotten in too deep.

E) you can add little head cannons like for example seekers learn to fly by getting yeeted by their creators but nothing that changes the story too much

ii) please keep the number of head cannons to 3 or less

#transformers #maccadam #tfp #transformers prime #maccadams #mtmte #cyberverse #ratchet #bumblebee #tfa #rescue bots #bayformers #bay verse

[xx-jazzilla]

⚠️ Long emotionally draining post to vent ⚠️

I love my kids and family with every single part of me.... but I cannot help feeling my pregnancy has been stolen from me.

After the miscarried I couldn't think straight or do anything but feel helpless for our loss, for what I lost. With PCOS it already took so long and was so hard to get pregnant that we were nearly a year into discussing and talking about our 2nd baby. When I got a positive test it was so great, and when I sat in a waiting room for 2 hours after my 12 weeks ultrasound I couldn't help but fear the worst happened. When they confirmed it I couldn't even finish the appointment, I pulled over repeatedly on the drive home crying too much to see and went straight to Ben. I spent weeks unable to imagine a worse feeling - until I got a 3rd positive test 7 weeks later and the doctor said they could have missed something because we weren't even sure id had a period.

I spent my 1dt trimester constantly terrified, terrified of another loss and how I couldn't mentally handle it a 2nd time. Then at 12 weeks again I started bleeding... so much blood I was terrified because I didn't bleed last time so something had to be really wrong. I was thankful to hear her heartbeat in the ER but nobody told me why I was bleeding for nearly 2 weeks, I just bled and stressed until they said it was a hemorrhage but we were okay. I still bled for 2 months, and nothing made me feel better until it stopped at 19 weeks.

I got 3 weeks of relief. We were in the 2nd trimester, we were finally "safe". Then at 21 weeks, more blood and discharge and I really thought it was nothing. But it was Saturday so I couldn't go to my doctor, and better safe than sorry. Until it wasn't safe. Again.

I had 3 mm of cervix left, I was "silently dilating" from contractions I just thought were pregnancy pain in my back, and my waters were bulging. The doctors said I had an "insufficient cervix" because incompetent cervix was no longer a nice term. I signed and acknowledged the risks of my D&C and thought that couldn't possibly happen to me. But if I didn't I could die because my body wasn't aware I was miscarrying.

We weren't safe, again. Our children and I were at risk, again. And for the 3rd time in a year I felt entirely helpless as a mom, even though I've worked so freaking hard to be a better parent. To be a consistent mom and DO better than what I knew.

It has been 2 months since then, and I feel like I've lost nearly every joy of pregnancy. I have no friends and family with me, even though they call and text and check in regularly im still thousands of miles from a hug when I'm having a hard day. I can't do things by myself, even though I worked until my water broke with Austin and enjoyed our life together still. I sit, and worry and think about what I've done wrong to be here. About all the people I know that take their kids for granted, that weren't parents and yet how easy it seemed for them and how unfair that is. How stressful every little pain is, especially the last few days of being in constant pain -because I don't know how bad it could end up being.

I'm thankful for Ben, he has taken on everything and more for us. The house, the stress of bills from none of us working, being full time dad and the worry for his daughter. I've never felt so much love, and commitment and like I could count on 1 person so much.

I also appreciate everyone reaching out, and your thoughts and good wishes for our safety. I don't want anyone to think that I do not see all the love we are given and aren't thankful.

But this is draining, I feel like I've lost my pregnancy and myself. Like my body is incapable and I don't understand why this is happening to us. As though I'm alone in so many ways, but can't express that because I "have to be grateful" nd so many people are "praying for us" and I feel so hateful because sometimes I just want to scream IM FREAKING ATHEIST PLEASE HELP ME IN A WAY THATS GEARED TOWARDS ME AND MY HEALING NOT TO APPEASE YOUR OWN EGO.

#incompetent cervix #life and stuff

[unknwnxquantity]

What a privilege to type on my silly little screen. Have my silly little existential moments. Have my little spirals. Ponder on everything and everyone. While there’s ppl dying. No food no water no shelter. No peace! That’s so sad man. IMAGINE NOT HAVING A BED! No comfort! The worst possible things imaginable are happening at this very moment. At every moment. I always think to myself, “I wonder who in this exact moment is dying? Who’s having sex right now? Who’s experiencing the most life changing moment right now in this very moment?” I think like that too when I pass big apartments in the city or driving along the highways. I think I’m looking at hundreds of people in my peripheral vision that are blocked by the building walls. And then I wish I was like Superman and can see through the buildings to see what ppl are up to. What are people doing right now? Who’s living in their truth and who’s not? Whose heart is breaking? Are you fukking or are you making love? Do you love them, “love” them or are you thinking of someone else? How did you guys end up here together? Are you crying right now? Are you sleeping/napping? What are you dreaming about.. do you remember your dreams? Is it a life changing dream? Do you even pay attention to the hidden messages!! Or playing video games? What are you watching? What made you start watching that show/movie and how did it capture your attention? Why do you like it? What music are you listening to? Why are you listening to that particular song right at this moment? Did your friend put you onto it, is it a viral tiktok sound? Are you distracting yourself from the world around you? Are you missing an ex? Why do you miss them? Do you actually miss them or do you miss how they made you feel? Are you missing your mom? Your childhood friends? Are you missing the memories too?

The wars the killings. There are people that will never know peace and sanity a day in their life. CONSTANT living in fight or flight mode. Survival mode. High cortisol levels. How tragic is that? Yet we complain about our phones dying too fast, or our order being wrong. I hate thinking of all the disgusting and unspeakable ways of ppl (or animals which is even worse bc it’s usually bc of us) dying at this moment. Or worse, not dying and living with their incurable ailments. Imagine not being able to walk or breathe without assistance? Knock on wood man. I tell myself that the pain is temporary and they won’t feel it in their next life. That they’ll have a chance for a better life. Maybe they’ll return home. Maybe they’ll reach nirvana. Probably not, but who am I to say that? Maybe after their death here, their souls go to the spiritual infirmary (I forget which theory that is!!! Where souls go to this soul hospital almost omg I wish I could remember…. Okay I found it it’s in a book “journey of souls” by Dr newton), to recover from their deepest wounds. Wounds. I tell myself pain isn’t real for them (it is). Souls literally fight to come on earth!!! For that serious spiritual upgrade. It’s so hard to get on this earth. We don’t appreciate it. Now I wanna watch the soul Disney movie. I need to watch it again. (The irony of me being obsessed with h0llyw3ird and knowing the dark stuff/subliminals/programming from all our fav cartoons/shows/movies growing up… all the unspeakable things…. And yet my nostalgia is deeply rooted in them (like billions of others) talk about cognitive dissonance🤪)

#unknwnxquantity

[thisismetrying-111]

One year. One week. One day.

You are the best and worst thing to ever happen to me... I wonder how many times that statement has been made around the world. How many people have truly felt the deep, empty hole that gets left behind when a part of you as real as your arm goes missing. You were a part of me. You are a part of me. You are no longer a part of me. Ripped away by teeth so rigid and wicked. The phantom pains I feel at my core are a constant reminder of what is no longer there. What is no longer mine. It's like living in a new body, completely foreign to me. For a split second I knew what home felt like and I'm now back on unfamiliar ground. Barely hanging on, yet, still holding myself together. Wearing a smile you once found captivating, seeing through eyes that you once swam in. Walking around in a world filled with and without you. You once called me forever. Now you don't call me at all. I imagine my future and for the longest time after you left, I still saw you in it. Now I imagine nothing. Not that I imagine my non-existence, I simply cannot imagine any moment other than the moment I am in. It's like looking at an old tv screen that is a black and white fuzzy mess with that terrible noise I think anyone born before 1990 would recognize. In some moments, I think I hate you. In some moments, I think I have a fighting chance at successfully living a life in which you don't exist. You would tell me I could do it. You would tell me that you aren't worth holding on to. Words you have told me many times. That you aren't worth it, not worth this. But as I write these words, I realize something... You weren't telling me that YOU aren't worth it. It's what you can or cannot offer me that isn't worth it. You know that you cannot live inside of me, you cannot fill that vast space you left in my soul when you left my life. Because you can't live and thrive while loving me. Loving me was your downfall. Loving me made you weak, angry, bitter. I did not bring out the best in you. What I brought out in you was all the ugly, all the pain, that you spent countless years burying down into the very depths of you that I loved. As I started to dig into you, filling those places, those things started to lose space. But they had to have somewhere to go. And I became the very contrivance that brought these things to the surface. And every mistake I made, every fault I had, seemed to project these more and more. I never stood a chance. We never stood a chance. Like the most doomed twin flames, predestined to come together only to show each other the worst parts of ourselves. Mirror images. Only I am the one unable to pick up my pieces gracefully and move on. I sit here, one year, one week & one day since you ended us, still writing to you. I wonder when it will end, if it will end.

Grief

noun

deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.

I have experienced the death of someone I loved. And I don't know what is worse. Grieving the loss of someone who no longer lives in this world, or grieving the loss of someone who no longer lives in my world but is still very much alive. But I do know that the sun doesn't shine as bright or feel as warm. And just when I thought I'd run out of tears, they come to me like a familiar friend. Reminding me that you were real. You existed. I loved you. And I still do.

"He's both the wrong man and the right man in one man; he's both the good and the bad. Your brightest moments and your darkest hours. He's the first to make you laugh and the first to make you cry. This is the man you'll have the hardest time understanding because on the one hand, you love him for the joy, but on the other hand, you despise him for the pain." - Amari Soul

111 is the angel number I see the most. When we last spoke, I started seeing angel numbers everywhere for about two weeks until things went radio silent again. I spend a week writing down every angel number I saw. And the most consistent angel number that came to me was 111. When I realized the date today was exactly one year, one week and one day since our break up, I couldn't help but wonder if there really is some divine intervention in our lives and relationship. When I searched, this is what I found. I know you will likely never come across this blog or see these words, but I truly do hope that you are on your path to enlightenment and that you are on your journey to finding peace and healing. I can't help but pray that one day, our paths will cross again and it will be the right time for us both.

111 - This number means you both are on track to enlightenment, but might have more spiritual work to do to complete your journey. Your twin flame may or may not see 111 at the same times you do, depending on where they are in their spiritual journey. 111 is a strong number for twin flames.

#heartbreak #love #breakups #grief #breakdowns #twin flame #angel numbers #spiritualgrowth #spiritual journey

[floral-hex]

I don’t know why I’m writing this.

My hearing has kind of gone out again. By “out” I mean I am overwhelmed by tinnitus, dead air, distorted hearing. My hearing aids don’t help, they just make the muddle louder. I’m in a bad place. I feel sick. I’m having a hard time eating. I’m sleeping too much. It’s not just hearing loss, there’s a mental component to it. I feel closed off. I feel so alone. I haven’t been this depressed in awhile. I shouldn’t have stopped antidepressants and now I’m scared to start again because starting them is always the worst, and, well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few days. I can’t see myself living with this for long. I’m scared. I’m alone. Even around others, I feel alone because I can’t understand them and I hate forcing myself and my problems on them. My mother asked how my hearing was today and I broke down in front of her. She’s not my therapist, I hate putting my problems on her, but I couldn’t hold it. I’ve been so desperate for some human contact, for someone to vent to, that I just started weeping. I told her I’m scared about how I’ll live, that I’m falling apart and have been thinking about ending things. We talked for a bit and she said she’d help me make some appointments tomorrow since I can’t really hear right now. I hate this. I hate making her worry. Telling your mom you want to kill yourself… fucking sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. She said she’d take me to the hospital at any hour, if I needed it. She doesn’t deserve that pain. Im not going to do anything harmful. I haven’t reached that point. I’d never want to hurt my family like that. I couldn’t imagine leaving my little brothers. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

I wish I could move to some deaf commune like from Sound of Metal. I wish there was a place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Just give me a simple job, a small room, 3 meals a day, and that’s all I want. I’m so lost. I have no friends. No prospects. I miss my dad. I miss being small and having someone else in control. I miss having a partner there, just someone next to me in bed, some other warm body to hold on to when I need physical comfort. I’m sitting in the kitchen right now because I can’t be in my room right now. It feels like a tomb. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. I hate that I’ve been sleeping all day. I have no where to go and I feel alone. I cancelled my gym membership. Too much money and I didn’t have the transportation. They used to be 24 hours before covid. When I first moved back to Arkansas, I was depressed like this. I’d go to the gym at about this time of night while I was depressed. I miss that. Some place to go when my mind needed distracting. Now I have nowhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to keep writing because I need this distraction. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t know if I want them to. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have friends online anymore. Mutuals keep deleting. All my old friends have moved on. I’m bad at chatting with new friends because I have nothing to talk about. I have such a nothing life. I feel ashamed when people ask about me, about my life.

You want to know about me? I’m… fuck, I don’t remember how old I am. Fuck, I’m 34. I’m 34 and unemployed. I dropped out of college. I can’t hold a job. I was excited about trying to get a job, I thought my hearing had been holding up, I was going to send out applications, I swear, but this present problem has just made me feel hopeless. I can’t make friends because I’m 34, unemployed, live with my family, and have no hobbies besides sleeping and just surviving. I’m sorry. I want to be your friend. I want people to be my friend. I don’t want to die and be forgotten. I put out albums in my 20s! I had a cooking show in high school! I had friends, I went to concerts, I’ve had so many cats. I’m going to be forgotten. My bandcamp will never get visited. I have albums worth of instrumentals I wrote in my early 20s that no one will ever hear. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for years, but I’ve never sat down to actually write. My own family won’t know about these things. I’m going to be forgotten and that feels worse than death. I need my family and friends to know how much I love them. I love them so much. They’re the only reason I don’t want to go. I want to see my brothers grow up. Im so scared. I’m scared for them and I can’t help them. I have nothing to offer them. The world is too heavy. And they’ll be off to college soon enough and I’ll never see them. They’re at that age where they go straight to their room, they don’t talk to me much. I miss watching movies with my little brother. I miss playing video games with them. Talking with them. I just want to hold them and tell them I love them. That they saved my life. That I’ll be here for them as long as I can so please, please don’t shut me out. Please just sit and watch a dumb movie with me and be with me for a little bit because I need to be with them, in that moment, while they’re young, so I can remember this. They’re going to go off to college, they’re going to go live their lives, and I’ll still be here and I know they’ll still love me but I won’t matter as much. I’m worried about my mom. She’s sick all the time. She can’t work anymore. Life is crushing down on us. I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to leave us. I don’t want her to leave her teenage sons. That’s not fair. They need their mom. Their dad already ran off. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want them to be 20 and scared and miss their mom. I wish I could be there for them. I told her I was worried about losing her, and she said she could live another 10 years. That sounds like no time at all. 10 years, if we’re lucky. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want my brothers to lose her.

All I see is everything’s expiration date. I’m so focused on the end. I want to be here, now, but I’m so scared. I’m wasting it. It’s 2:40 in the morning and the world feels dead. I feel like I’m on a dead planet and I’m just sitting here, rotting and postponing the end. It could just end right now, tonight. I know it would be scary, but when it happens, it’s just dark and nothing. Once I passes out giving blood. It was just dizziness, nausea, and then nothing. When I came to, I was surprised how… nothing, it was. It just happened and it was nothingness. No dreams, just gone. I know it’s not the same, but it also kind of is. I’m scared. I don’t want that. I don’t want nothing. I want life. I want to be happy. Please, I need something, I need to be happy, I need a life. I need friends and I need a job and my family and I need my hearing to just fucking figure itself out. I can’t do this “one month of good hearings, one month of bad hearing, repeat.” If I can just survive a little while, I know it’s bad right now. It gets bad.

I have to be positive. I have to be. So tomorrow I’m going to make some appointments, or my mom will if I can’t hear, and I’m going to try to get on some antidepressants, even though I’m scared about how I’ll feel, and I’m going to beg for something like Xanax to help give me immediate relief for these ever increasing moments of massive anxiety and hopelessness. I’m going to try to demand ear tubes. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I’m lost. I’m desperate. Please, just do this small unnecessary surgery so I can feel like I’m doing something. I think I’m going to go back to therapy. I haven’t been in years. I wish weed was legal here, because god knows I need it, but it’s not like I could afford it if I could buy it. I need money. I need to go out. I feel so closed off. I need to go to the movies or bowling or even just back to a gym. Please please let my hearing clear up so I can get a simple job and have some kind of pay check. I shouldn’t be this old and feel this lost.

So now it’s 2:45. I’m in the kitchen. I drank some coffee because I needed the caffeine and sugar to hopefully give me a dopamine boost. I don’t know if it did. I’ve just been crying this whole time, so I don’t know. I slept all day. I need to be awake during the day, so I shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but I think soon I’m going to take some Benadryl, take a shower, and try to sleep until the sun comes up. I feel sick. I’ve been sleeping too much. I have no appetite so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but it’s all tasteless and hard to swallow. I’ve been here before. I know it can get better. I don’t know how, I mean, everything else seems to be collapsing inward on my family right now, but… I have to believe things can get better. I feel like I’m choking right now. I feel trapped and suffocating. I’m so nauseas and sick and scared. I just want someone to walk in and say “hey, can I sit with you awhile?” I’ll keep going, but this is…

AND I can’t fucking use this app because it eats my battery and overheats my phone! What the hell.

Okay, 3 a.m. 3:05. What am I doing

I ran out of space for tags. This is too long. No one is going to read any of this. Why would you? You shouldn’t. It’s like a really long sad sad rant. Aaaaaaaa I’m losing it. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Half tempted to join a cult so I can just live with a group of people that control my life for me. I know that’s a shitty joke and cults are terrible, but also my brain is so bad and I feel so hopeless that when I say I’m half joking, I really do mean I’m partially serious. Sure sure, you’re God, dude, that’s cool, I’ll believe that, just give me a bed, 3 meals, and I’m in. Aaaahh ughhhh 3:15. What am I doing? How many followers will I lose for this? Why do I even have this blog? I’ve been on here for, I don’t know… I want to guess 15 years. Maybe more, maybe less. I don’t know why. It’s some connection to the outside world. No one talks to me on here. Sometimes they do. Some years they do, some years I just “exist” on here with very few interactions. It’s sad. I need real friends. I need a job so my coworkers can be friends. I need money to go out. I need self confidence and money and a job so I can join some dumb dating or friendship app, but right now… okay, I can’t go back down that road right now. Just scroll back up and reread my whining.

3:20. Distract myself. Keep writing. Distract. I can’t write forever. Okay. I need to go. I’ll be okay. I’ll try to be. If you read some of this, I’m sorry, but maybe thank you. I don’t deserve you. This world is so scary and lonely. Thank you for being here. Really. I appreciate you.

#this is a LONG LONG cry for help #it’s okay to unfollow me after you see this huge thing on your dashboard #tw: suicide #also to complain some more: the tumblr app has been killing my phone lately #I need my phone battery to run Bluetooth for my hearing aids and use the roku app to livestream tv audio to my headphones #but this app just sucks up all the battery and makes it overheat #I’ve been charging the whole time I’ve written this and it’s only gone up 3% #how fucked up is that #I probably also need to masturbate for serotonin but I just can’t get in the mood #half tempted to get back on tinder and basically say ‘hey I’m hard of hearing. I’m lonely. I can’t maintain a relationship #but if you want to just sit with me in the park and read or sit close to me and also make out then please hit me up’ #’hello. I’m old hard of hearing poor and boring. please hold me for a little while. I need to know I’m not alone.’ #arkansas just kinda sucks for things to do after midnight that’s not a bar I guess #why did I write all of this #I needed to. #this is why I need a therapist #I’m probably going to copy it down #I thought about sending this to my mom but I can’t rightly put this on her #this depressive pointless stream of consciousness #I just needed to get it out #I feel a little better #but it’s still 3am and it’s too quiet and I’m alone with myself. AND I HATE MYSELF so that sucks #I don’t know how to distract from this #I don’t have the drive to play video games. tv isn’t making me happy #reading is hard lately. my brain doesn’t want to absorb anything written so it makes me feel overwhelmed looking up info that might help me #I need dopamine! or serotonin! I need some sharp boost of happiness so bad. #goddddd… I need help #all my mutuals are deleting and I wouldn’t know how to talk to anyone #I feel alone on this app #text