#I had a date that got canceled cause she got covid and now I’m just like…..help 🙃 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flotsam-gazette · 1 year

Text

CANCEL

https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/music/story/2021-07-26/jackson-browne-phoebe-bridgers-downhill-from-everywhere

Jackson Browne on cancel culture, his ‘shelf life’ and how to survive rush hour in L.A.

BY AMY KAUFMAN, JULY 26, 2021

Jackson Browne knows people think he’s past his prime. Or “way out over my due date,” as he puts it on his new album.

“I’m talking about shelf life,” he says. “But I think a lot of stuff is still good after the date that’s printed on the package.”

At 72, the musician is grappling with what his life will amount to — that’s really what the lyric is about, he says: “An admission that you’re supposed to have settled stuff by this time.”

It’s not that he had a vision for what life in his 70s would be like; he’s never looked that far into the future. But he has always been a self-reflective sort, unafraid to question whether he’s squeezing all of the juice out of the fruit.

Even one of his first hits, “Doctor, My Eyes” — released in the midst of the Vietnam War — told the story of a man puzzling over how to digest the hardships of the world.

Browne’s eyes are still wide open on “Downhill From Everywhere,” the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee’s first collection of new music in six years. On the album, the singer-songwriter takes typically forthright stands on ocean pollution, immigration rights and gay marriage. Though he grows somber when he discusses current events, Browne also seems to have softened with age — exuding less an obstinate attitude than an equable one.

In the late ’60s and ’70s, Browne established himself as one of Laurel Canyon’s preeminent songwriters with now-standards like “These Days” (written when he was 16), “Take It Easy,” co-written with the Eagles’ Glenn Frey and “Running on Empty.”

Back-to-back smash albums “The Pretender” and “Running on Empty” made him a full-fledged rock star, but gradually he would pivot his music and career away from pop philosophy and toward the political. He organized “No Nukes” benefit concerts against nuclear weapons and nuclear energy alongside Graham Nash and Bonnie Raitt in 1979 and condemned U.S. policy in Central America on his 1986 album “Lives in the Balance.”

Browne still champions numerous causes; he was performing at a fundraiser for the charity God’s Love We Deliver in March 2020 when he became one of the first stars to contract COVID-19.

He likes experimental theater — he’s wearing a shirt from Tim Robbins’ Culver City-based the Actors’ Gang nonprofit — and seeing live music with some of the young artists he’s befriended, like:

Dawes, Jenny Lewis, Inara George and Phoebe Bridgers. (Earlier this year, Bridgers enlisted Browne to duet with her on a new version of her song “Kyoto,” and she in turn then appeared in a music video for his song “My Cleveland Heart.”)

Browne, who lives in Los Angeles’ Mid-City with his longtime partner, Dianna Cohen, has two adult children from previous marriages.

This week, he heads out on a three-month tour with James Taylor that will stop in Anaheim in October. The Times spoke with Browne at his Santa Monica recording studio, Groove Masters, where Bob Dylan, Frank Ocean and David Crosby have made music.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

What made you decide to record an album after six years?

The way you pose the question presupposes that there’s getting ready. I’ve had a studio for 30 years (since 1991). I’m always doing something. It’s more like there’s a residue you gather or a condensation that gathers.

You once said that your standards plague you. Do you still feel that way?

I think I was talking about the fact that it’s not a good idea to try to write a song as good as some other song you’ve already written. Because when you wrote that song that you thought so highly of, you weren’t holding it up to some other standard; you were just trying to write something new. Look, I’ve got a high opinion of some of my songs, but to write something new you have to forget everything you’ve ever done.

You sing on this album about being concerned for the future your children will inherit. What scares you?

I am in a state of grief for the world that my kids are inheriting — my grandson (son of Ryan). Elephants and tigers are in danger. The ocean’s got dead spots in it. The reefs are dying. The natural world’s ability to bounce back from what we’ve done is an existential threat. ... We’ve got these electric cars, so why don’t more people have electric cars? Why don’t we phase out fossil fuels? They won’t until they’ve sold us every last thing they have. I don’t get to talk about this stuff very much in conversation. So for me, the challenge is to write a song that people don’t mind hearing and that helps galvanize some sort of feelings or helps them find some resolve.

When you started more politically themed music in the 1980s, were you worried about losing your audience?

I know it was considered problematic by some people in the music industry to talk about politics. But they were never my people. You hear people like, ‘Oh, he’s losing an enormous part of his audience by talking about this.’ They’re talking about sales and s— like that. That never mattered to me anyway. Please.

It didn’t matter to you at all?

When you sing about stuff that nobody knows anything about, the recognition for what you’re doing is gonna drop off. At the same time, a bunch of other things were happening that are probably more responsible for the popularity declining, like punk music.

You’re just not 25 (in 1973), now you’re 33 (in 1981), and there’s a completely different aesthetic going on and an attitude about everything that’s come before, rightfully or wrongfully dismissing you.

Many of your reviews cite you as being a really serious person. Do you think that’s fair?

I’ve had people remark on that to me, like, “Oh, I expect you to come in with sheaths of newspapers and notes and stuff.” There was this great remark that Don Was made. He was asked about a song that was political, and he said, “Oh yeah, we’re kind of political. Well, we’re not like Jackson Browne, where we’re with a pointer and talking about troop movements.” It was a funny thing to say.

I was playing at a Christmas show in Asheville a few years ago, and I sang this song about war called “The Drums of War.” Later, I was talking to one of the guys on the show and said, “Maybe I kind of sandbagged these folks. You think I shouldn’t have sang them a song about the war [at] Christmas?” He said, “People know you, Jackson. They’re not gonna be shocked that you sing a song about the war.”

How do you get your news?

I’m just kind of old school: I read. I can’t stand television. Even calling it television shows I come from another century. There are newsletters I get and books, and I really like radio. KPFK Pacifica. In L.A., I try to drive when my programs are on. I don’t mind rush hour because the Tim Ferriss program is probably on, and it’s a good way to spend an hour.

You’ve developed relationships with a lot of younger artists. How did those friendships start?

That’s the music that really moves me. I feel really lucky to know all these people, and I guess I know them because I go to their shows. I met Phoebe at a party, but I hadn’t heard her play. It was a birthday party for [Australian singer-songwriter] Tal Wilkenfeld at an escape room. I was sure we were gonna escape, but we didn’t make it. Funnily enough, the room was about a pandemic. But it was hard to figure out. But later, when I heard her music, I went, “That’s Phoebe. That’s that girl I met. Holy s—.”

What did you like about it?

If I want to use the word “gratitude” in a sentence, it would be about artists like Taylor [Goldsmith, from Dawes] and Phoebe, who are bringing an emotional literacy and prowess with words to rock lyrics again. It hasn’t been absent; Lucinda Williams and Randy Newman have been there all along. But when you see somebody young applying themselves to those kinds of skills, it’s encouraging because it makes you think that is on the rise and that a more youthful segment of the population will be exposed to that.

Did any musicians serve as mentors to you when you were young?

David Crosby agreed to sing on my first record. He absolutely showed me how to record — how to multitrack vocals. He praised me to others and to myself, and that was really important. I feel a great debt of gratitude to David.

But you no longer speak to him?

That’s true. He said nobody he’s ever made music with will talk to him anymore. I would point out that his son makes music with him, and that’s really what’s at the heart of his productivity right now, is his great relationship with his son. I don’t really want to go into the details of why we’re not talking.

There was a good documentary made about him recently. Do you ever think about being a part of a film like that or writing a memoir?

I’ve thought about it because it’s been proposed. I may eventually not be good for much else, so I’ll leave myself enough time to sound off about stuff. I kind of feel like I don’t know anything.

I’m sure people would love to hear your stories — and about dating the likes of Nico, Joni Mitchell and Daryl Hannah. Carly Simon wrote a really good memoir about her marriage to James Taylor.

Who’s interested in that though? Who’s interested in Carly talking about James?

Uh, me? A lot of people!

I’m not very interested in that stuff. Have you read Linda’s [Ronstadt] book? Now that’s a good book. It’s about music. Yes! People don’t want to know about Jerry Brown and Mick Jagger and all of the people Linda had relationships with. Besides, you have to be a really good writer. And I can’t even write a postcard.

What are your thoughts on cancel culture?

I’m not very aware of cancel culture, because I’m basically helpless about social media and the kind of quick, fast-breaking news about s—. That washes over me. I’m concerned that “canceled” has become a reflexive thing. My version of cancel culture is just turn it off or change the channel.

To use an example involving people you know, Phoebe Bridgers and Mandy Moore — they were part of an investigation alleging that Ryan Adams was emotionally and verbally abusive. As a result, some say he should be canceled.

I think powerful men have been taking advantage of their status with women and that should stop. ... I think it made a big impression on everybody that [Bridgers and Moore] came forth and talked about it. That’s their right and their responsibility to tell the truth and why we like their work.

I worry about [cancel culture] though because there are examples of actors, supposedly, who I think are tremendously gifted and I don’t know what all they did. ... In some cases, it sounds really bad. In some cases, it sounds like, really? They patted somebody on the butt and so we should not see this person’s movies now? I don’t know. I’m not just trying to wriggle out of your question. I’m just trying to say that I’m actually not a good person to [talk about this] because I’m so uninterested in that stuff. I wouldn’t watch the O.J. trial.

What are you hoping your fans will take away from your new album?

You mean, you want me to boil it down? It’s not for me to say. There are no CliffsNotes for these songs. I’m not that self-conscious. I’m not worried about what people are gonna think about me. This is not an ad for myself. This is a collection of songs with me really trying to express myself.

So you don’t think about how you’ve evolved musically?

Honestly? The things that I think about are trying to sing in tune and making the song sound good.

Why keep making new music?

[Laughs] I just thought that this morning. There’s so many other things going on. What could possibly be a more glacial f—ing process than writing a song about climate change, for instance? What it gives me is a song to sing that can be sung on an occasion, and sometimes that occasion is where people have gathered together to do something about something. I like the way I just said that, because it’s very all-inclusive. It may sound like I’m being vague, but I mean it gives me a song I can sing that reaffirms what I think.

Amy Kaufman is a columnist at the Los Angeles Times, where she writes a monthly A-1 column, “For Real With Amy Kaufman.” The series examines the lives of icons, underdogs and rising stars to find out who the people are shaping our culture — for real. Since joining The Times in 2009, she has profiled hundreds of influential figures, including Stevie Nicks, Kevin Hart, Joan Rivers, Michael B. Jordan and Lady Gaga. She also works on investigations and was part of the 2022 Pulitzer Prize finalist team that covered the tragic shooting on the “Rust” film set. Her work often shines a light on the darker side of the entertainment business, and she has uncovered misconduct allegations against Randall Emmett, Russell Simmons and Chris D’Elia. In 2018, her book “Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure” became a New York Times bestseller.

0 notes

multimetaverse · 3 years

Text

HSMTMTS 2x01 Review

New Year’s Eve was a great way to return to HSMTMTS especially after such a long gap. Let’s dig in!

Vladimir Lenin once said that, ‘’ there are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen". It’s been almost a year and half since S1 ended but this past week has seen revelation after revelation as the fandom has resurrected itself and promotion for S2 kicked into high gear: Joshua Bassett came out, Frankie and Joe confirmed that they are a real life couple, Larry seemingly confirmed that S2 will only have 11 eps rather than the 12 initially ordered, and perhaps most importantly Olivia revealed that she and the main cast are under contract for 4 seasons and made clear that she’s leaving the show as soon as her contract is up.

I really enjoyed this premiere, it felt like picking up right back where we left off. I’m guessing that S2 was originally supposed to premiere around Christmas or New Year’s but the holiday decorations and real Utah snow add a charming aesthetic to the ep. Tim Federle deserves credit for giving HSMTMTS more of an ensemble feel which is no easy feat with a cast as large as this show has. It likely won’t last due to covid restrictions but at least for tonight we got to see all the characters hanging out together acting like a real group of friends.

The dialogue tonight really reminded me of Glee and I think I mean that as a compliment. Miss Jenn in particular seems to be doing her best April Rhodes impression minus the alcoholism.

The rini scenes tonight were lovely. Perfect gift was a great song and I loved the rini duet during the music in me as the world faded around them leaving just the two of them. The Harry Styles reference is funny in light of Josh’s coming out interview. Of course, it’s hard now to separate Nini and Ricky and Olivia and Josh. Their chemistry shines through as 2x01, 2x02, and possibly parts of 2x03 were filmed pre Jolivia breakup which seems to have happened around summer 2020. Whether they can keep that same chemistry later on in S2, not to mention future seasons, remains to be seen.

A major theme tonight was communication and clearly Rini need to work on theirs. Poor Ricky had to learn that Nini’s moving to Denver the night before she leaves town which has to remind of him of his mom effectively abandoning him. Ricky saying that he’s never gonna breakup with Nini ever again sure sounds like foreshadowing for a disaster though the odds that this time Nini initiates the breakup are pretty good.

I’m glad that the show is continuing to delve in the Bowen’s divorce story with their house being sold and Ricky and his dad having to move into an apartment. Divorce is expensive and the division of assets typically leave people less well off. Mike Bowen needs to work on his communication skills but he’s rocking that beard; it takes him from depressed divorced dad to depressed divorced daddy.

Seblos was cute and in a nice change of pace Disney doesn’t seem to be cynically teasing them then cutting their scenes. It was refreshing to see them just being a couple and to hear Carlos casually refer to himself as gay. In that regard tonight’s ep didn’t seem like it was a Disney show at all and it’s major progress that there are now two main gay characters on HSMTMTS. We learn that Carlos is rich which seems likely to be a source of conflict with Seb who comes from a large farming family.

Bet on It was really fun and I liked that Ricky apparently couldn’t stop singing it. The medley of HSM 2 songs was fun but I’ll be real with you wildcats, I never thought HSM 2 or 3 were nearly as good as the first movie so I’m not sad that they’re doing something else this year.

Wild that Big Red’s mom also calls him Big Red. Salt Lake Slices seems poised to be a big part of S2 both as hangout spot and work location for some of the characters. Redlyn are sweet together but sometimes Big Red comes off as a closeted gay guy which isn’t ideal for a het pairing that is supposedly a big part of S2.

Nice to see Gina so excited to have sleepovers with Ashlyn. We know from 2x03 that Gina contends with being single on Valentine’s day and from her glances at Ricky tonight she’s clearly not over him. Tim’s playing with fire and I can only hope he knows what he’s doing. I liked the little detail of Kourtney having AOC on her vision board, it feels true to the character (hopefully AOC gets elected president one day if the USA doesn’t collapse into a fascist dictatorship or civil war before then). EJ’s beard has got to go but I like that he seems committed to being a better version of himself; very doubtful his plan to go straight to Duke like his forefathers doesn’t change by the end of the season.

Derek Hough did a good job of playing Zach as a subtly condescending man who managed to swiftly undermine Miss Jenn’s confidence, we’ll see what he and North High bring to the table.

Looking Ahead:

Next week are auditions for Beauty and the Beast, we know Ashlyn gets the role of Belle and EJ has conveniently removed himself from the running for Beast which presumably clears the path for Ricky to take the lead. There’s been some controversy over the casting choices and I’ll save my comments about it for the 2x02 review.

We get to see Lily who looks like a meaner version of season 1 Gina, we’ll see how much depth she actually ends up getting. Howie is introduced in 2x03 and Antoine likely shows up later on. Jack likely shows up towards the end of the season.

Howie seems to have a connection with Kourtney though the character synopsis does say he gets close to a wildcat or two which certainly leaves room to slide him into Gina’s plot. We know Antoine is into Ashlyn so that’s another love triangle to look forward to. Jack was described as having wanderlust and most of the cast seems not to have filmed with him so I think it’s likely that he plays a role in convincing EJ to take a gap year rather than head straight to Duke.

A translation leak on TikTok reveals that in 2x03 Gina is sad that she’s only gotten a Valentine’s Day gift from her mom. A brief clip from the promo shows up her on her porch at night holding a heart shaped box of chocolates. If that’s supposed to be from a secret or semi-secret admirer than it has to be from either EJ, Ricky, or Howie. If it’s a platonic gift then it could be from anyone, we’ll see what Tim has up his sleeves.

Nini moving back to SLC is a question of when not if. It’s going to be very difficult to bring her back in a way that’s justified and also doesn’t leave the time she spends in Denver looking like a total waste. Frankly, I’d rather the show just bite the bullet and bring her back with as little fuss as possible.

We’re possibly around a quarter way through HSMTMTS given that the mains have 4 season contracts and presuming that the show is not cancelled earlier. At the very least the show will be radically different after S4 if they try to continue it as Olivia has made very clear that she’s going to leave asap to pursue her burgeoning music career full time (notably she’s only done the bare minimum of promo for S2).

Looming over the remaining seasons of HSMTMTS is what the professional relationship between Olivia and Josh looks like especially since in many ways the show is built around Ricky and Nini. Off screen relationships have often caused on screen problems and dating a co-worker is rarely a good idea since even clean breakups leave lingering resentments. Obviously the Jolivia breakup was not clean, Driver’s License, Deja Vu, and Good 4 U (which is a certified bop) were clearly written from a place of hurt and in some ways were written to hurt. It’s no surprise that Joshua has dropped his duet with Sabrina Carpenter from his EP; someone on his team at least is trying to stop the damage to his reputation. There’s a decent chance that Olivia’s songs becoming such hits has irreparably damaged Joshua Bassett’s reputation among the same pool of largely young women that he’s targeting his music towards thereby cutting off his music career at the knees. If nothing else this behind the scenes drama should keep things entertaining for a while.

Until next week Wildcats

#HSMTMTS #Rini #Seblos #Ricky Bowen #Nini Salazar-Roberts #Carlos Rodriguez #Seb Matthew-Smith #Gina Porter #ej caswell #HSMTMTS Reviews

54 notes · View notes

weirdestbooks · 3 years

Text

Secret States Chapter 1

A Normal Beginning

America's POV I rubbed my eyes as I began waking up. I had finally gotten enough free time, without my insomnia keeping me up, so I was able to get an hour of sleep. That's not a lot, but way more than I normally gets.

"I can't believe I actually slept." I muttered to myself as I pulled myself out of bed, holding my chest where pains remained due to COVID and the capital riot. I looked around my room, which was pretty empty. I had a desk that was covered in paperwork, along with my laptop. Next to it was a printer. The desk and printer sat between two bookshelves, which were filled with books, non-fiction and fiction alike.

There was a couch next to the bookshelves, underneath a window that looked outside.My bed was opposite of my desk. It was plain, with blue covers and red sheets. I had a bedside table with a lamp, and a picture of me with my kids.

Unlike what most other countries thought of him, I could be and was mature. I love my kids, all sixty-two of them. My states and territories, along with DC, NASA, NATO, Liberia, Palau, Marshall Islands and Micronesia. I even considered Philippines and Cuba to be family, even though I wasn't sure they, especially Cuba, returned those feelings. I would tell them, but I didn't want to make things awkward between us.

I got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing my Stars and Stripes, along with my black eyes. My black eyes were very odd. No other country had them, only the organizations, although I wasn't technically a country myself. The United States of America was called the Union for a reason.

I didn't always have my black eyes though. They looked like any other country's eyes until the large waves of immigrants that changed America from having one culture, to having so many, I can't claim a nationwide culture.

Even though both my father, the United Kingdom and the Soviet Union are also technically unions as well, they didn't have the black eyes I do, which lead me to believe black eyes were a sign of having no or many cultures, as opposed to a main one.

This theory was only further cemented when New York developed black eyes as well. Although, he was pretty sure Soviet had one black eye, which was the reason for his eyepatch.

I got myself ready for another day of mind numbingly boring meetings with the rest of the world. I hated how other countries always liked blaming me for things or just making fun of me. I know my country had done horrible things and I hate myself for being unable to stop the government from doing them, but the other countries didn't need to bring it up.

At least my family stood up for me, along with my friends, like Germany and Japan, although how Japan could be friends with me after what I did to her mother was a question I could never find the answer to.

I shook the pessimistic thoughts out of my head, muttering "No pienses así América. Estas tratando de compesarlo. Deja de culparte cuando las cosas van mal." (Don't think that way America. You're trying to make up for it. Stop blaming yourself when things go wrong.)

I opened the door to my room, before almost being barreled down by American Samoa and Hawaii. American Samoa and Hawaii were dressed very similarly, with t-shirts and shorts, although Hawaii wore a lei. Hawaii's flag had a Union Jack in the upper left hand corner, with blue, red and white stripes. American Samoa's flag was dark blue, with a white triangle that had a red outline coming from the right corners. In the triangle was a bald eagle holding a war club and a fly whisk.

"Faʻamalie Tama. O aʻu ma Hawaii sa na o le taumafai lava e faʻatumu le isi vaega o atumotu o le Pasefika e faʻamalosi ai atumotu Caribbean." (Sorry Dad. Me and Hawaii were just trying to get the rest of the Pacific islands to prank the Caribbean islands.) American Samoa said. Due to not having an official language, I was able to understand and speak all languages spoken within my borders. This wasn't a small amount, with approximately 350 languages spoken in the US. I loved this however, as it allowed my children, especially my adopted ones to speak their first language, or just whatever one they preferred.

"Mai hopohopo makuakāne, e hōʻoia wau ʻaʻole e ʻeha kekahi!" (Don't worry father, i'll make sure no one gets hurt!) Hawaii stated as she grabbed American Samoa by the arm pulling her brother towards Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands room. I smiled at my kid's antics as he walked towards the stairs. As I walked downstairs I bumped into another person, causing them to drop their papers.

"Sorry D." I said as I helped the district gather up her papers. The District of Columbia, or Washington DC, was wearing a pencil skirt with a button up dress shirt. Her flag was white, with two red lines though the center and three red stars at the top.

"It's okay Dad." She responded, smiling, "I'm glad you finally got some sleep though. You know I can help you if you get overwhelmed. I am the capital after all."

"You do enough as it is. You're also up early. Are you heading to the capitol building to try and convince Congress to grant you statehood?" I questioned, handing DC back her papers which consisted of plans on how they could redraw the capital to allow for Washington DC to become a state.

"Yeah. I'm upset that Trump prevented it from happening, but hopefully with a new president I can get closer to achieving statehood. I'm going to head out now. Vermont's making breakfast. Love you Dad, goodbye!" DC said as she walked out the front door.

"Love you too" I responded before sticking my head in the kitchen.

"Bonjour Vermont" I said as I looked at the nation-turned state. Vermont was wearing a green and blue plaid shirt along with jeans and worn out boots. His flag was blue with a coat of arms in it, the central image being a pine tree.

"Bonjour Papa" Vermont said as he took another couple of pancakes off the griddle. "Je prépare des crêpes pour tout le monde, alors ne vous inquiétez pas pour la cuisine. C'est une journée de repos pour vous." (I'm making pancakes for everyone, so don't worry about cooking. It is a rest day for you.).

"Merci Vermont." I said as I walked into the dining room, being met with the faces of NATO, New York and Delaware.

"Hey guys. Did you get any sleep York?" I asked them as I sat down.

"Like your one to talk Dad. And I did." New York said as he sipped a pot of coffee. New York was wearing a suit and had a blue flag with his coat of arms on it.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure York gets some sleep before he collapses." Delaware said. Delaware was dressed in a shirt and jeans. His flag was a colonial blue, with a yellow sideways triangle with his coat of arms on it. The flag also showed the date he ratified the Constitution, December 7, 1787.

"I was founded by twelve countries, why's this the family that I have to be a part of?" NATO asked. NATO was wearing a suit, as he also had to participate in meetings with other countries. His flag was blue with a compass rose, with four lines coming out of the four cardinal directions.

"Really?"

"Come on NATO, you know you love us."

I laughed at my kids' protests to NATO's comment as Vermont came out with the pancakes.

"Foods ready. Where's everyone else?" Vermont asked and he put a plates of pancakes on the table.

"Sleeping." Delaware said.

"Del, we're Americans, we don't sleep for this long." Vermont said, crossing his arms.

"The South are messing around in the backyard, but surprisingly, the West is still asleep. I think the Midwest is doing something with the crops. The four corners are doing something. NASA on the phone with Navajo talking about names for that Mars mission he has." NATO said as he began to eat his pancakes.

"How do you know what everyone's doing?" New York asked.

"I don't. I have no idea what the territories, Mid-Atlantic's, Hawaii or Alaska are doing." NATO responded.

"Sam and Hawaii are trying to convince the Pacific islands to help them prank the Caribbean islands." I said, thinking back to the conversation I had with the two islands earlier that morning.

"Are the former territories going to be involved?" Delaware asked.

"That I don't know. I'll let you know if any of them tell me something about it" I said. As I said that, an alarm on my phone went off.

"Time to go?" NATO asked.

"Yep. Del, you and the Thirteen are in charge, along with Vermont. Alaska has been having nightmares again, so help him with that if you need to." I said as I got up from the table.

"Got it." New York said as he took another large sip of his coffee.

"Á bientôt!" (See you soon) Vermont said.

————————————————————————

Canada's POV (BTW, I am not describing the flags of any countries that are well known, only the states because they aren't as well known) I sat down next to my brother Australia as I walked into the meeting room.

"Hey, have you seen Ame recently?" I asked Australia.

"No, but 2020 was crazy for everyone, he's probably just dealing with COVID stuff. UN did cancel all in-person meetings in 2020 because of COVID. Thank god for the vaccine." Australia said, rubbing a hand on a burn scar.

"Mes fils!" (My sons!) I heard my mother announce from behind me. I looked over to see my father, UK; my younger brother, New Zealand; my uncle, Ireland; and my mother, France.

"Bonjour Maman. Comment ça va?" (Hello Mom. How are you?) I said. Maman smiled.

"Très bien. Avez-vous vu Ame?" (Very good. Have you seen Ame?) She asked.

"Non." Canada replied.

"What are you talking about? I heard Ame's name, but I don't know French." New Zealand cut in.

"Sorry Kiwi." Maman said.

"I heard my name. Are we talking about me?" I heard America's voice from behind me.

"Ame!" Australia said. I turned around to see my brother, who had his hands in his pockets. He had his sunglasses on and had a slight smile on his face.

"Hello America." Père said.

"What up Pops? How's everyone been?" America asked, sitting down next to Australia.

"COVID's been tough. I'm glad for the vaccine though." Père answered as he and Maman sat down.

"Thank god for the vaccine is definitely on everyone's mind." Maman said. UN then walked into the room followed by NATO, ASEAN, EU and AU.

"Hello everyone. I am hoping to continue our meetings for now, but if there are any complications involving COVID we will head back to online meetings." UN stated. "We will begin with the countries most affected by COVID. First up will be the United States of America, followed by the Federative Republic of Brazil and the Republic of India."

————————————————————————

The meeting was incredibly boring, just everyone talking about their cases and vaccinations, the same thing we've been doing since COVID started. After the meeting, I walked out with my family as they discussed random topics.

"Man I wish Uncle Scotland, Uncle England, Uncle Wales and Uncle North could attend these meetings. Then we could really have a family reunion." New Zealand said.

"Your Uncles would make a mess out of the meeting. Nothing would get done." Père stated.

"So we should definitely let them come. It would make it more fun!" America said.

"Yeah Britain, let our brothers come. They would definitely add spice to the boring meetings." Uncle Ireland said, draping an arm around Père's shoulders. America and Uncle Ireland always loved joking around trying to get a rise out of Père. I think it stems from their independence, but they are still close regardless.

"We should try and get together, we are vaccinated and we can wear masks if anyone gets truly worried about it." Australia suggested.

"Let's. I need to see someone other than myself. Maybe tomorrow?" I asked. Everyone gave nods of agreement, aside from America.

"America?" Maman asked, questioning his lack of a decision. America bit his lip.

"I'll have to check, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to." He said, but still seemed conflicted. I was worried about my brother. He had a lot of COVID cases and seemed to be a lot more tired than usual. But if something bad was happening, surely America would tell someone.

"America, can I speak to you alone?" A voice behind us asked. I turned around to see a country with a flag very similar to America's, but instead of the fifty stars there was one big one.

"Sure thing Liberia. I'll be right back, guys" America said, walking over to Liberia.

"I didn't know Liberia and America were friends." Père commented.

"Ame's friends with everyone." Australia said. He then paused and continued, "Well not with North Korea or Iran or Russia-Okay maybe he's not friends with everyone, but he has a lot of friends."

#weird’s wattpad stories #statehumans #countryhumans #countryhumans america #secret states by weird #writing

20 notes · View notes

literaltrvsh · 2 years

Text

Hi I came back from the dead because the world is on fire and twitter doomscrolling has caused me to rip my hair off, so here’s an update for my still active mutuals (HI I MISSED YOU GUYS)

Started testosterone august of 2018

Moved to Washington state

Accidentally started dating my ex boyfriend from high school (this was not an accident)

Had a psychotic break and spent Easter 2019 on a grippy sock vacay

Got admitted to a two year program for psychosis, turns out I’m schizoaffective (we love spicy schizophrenia)

Moved to Portland and into my boyfriends apartment

I got top surgery in may of 2020! (It was almost cancelled due to COVID, I got lucky and Oregon opened elective surgeries may 1st)

Got my name changed AND my gender marker

I got a peer support certification and briefly worked in a residential facility for people with psychosis

Started working at a hospital in the radiology department

(Contracted TB? Somehow? In the middle of a Polly pocket? But also might not have TB? Unclear)

Got another dog, she’s a German Shepard/French bulldog mix. Weird, I know.

Had my appendix removed in august, and got married four days later.

Now were just isolating, as my husband and I both work in the medical field and are trying to not get ourselves or anyone else sick.

Anyway, I missed y’all.

#me #trash talks

5 notes · View notes

hotpinkrathian · 3 years

Text

Kyalin Week Day 6

Prompt Chosen- Modern AU

Now, I know people are tired of hearing about the pandemic, however when I saw Modern Au as an option on there I just had to write Kyalin during quarantine... it was too tempting.

"We have to quarantine at home for two weeks, its mandatory." Kya explained.

"I want even at the hospital, how could I have gotten it?"

"Because I was at the hospital, I could have it, and spread it to you." Lin crossed her arms, releasing a dramatic groan.

"Come on Lin, I know it's not ideal, and I'm sorry, but look on the bright side. We get two weeks off, just the two of us. We could, you know, try that thing you mentioned the other night."

"That was you who mentioned that."

"Well you didn't shoot it down, so its both our ideas now." Lin sighed, pursing her lips and Kya wrapped her in a hug.

"Alright, but as soon as my two weeks are up I'm going back to work."

"Of course." Kya kissed her on the cheek, watching as Lin disappeared into the bedroom. Her eyes panned the apartment, it looked like it could use a clean, so she got to work.

"What are we going to do for food?" Lin asked, staring into the empty fridge.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Kya, we have no food in here." Kya came up behind her, placing her chin in the nook of her neck, frowning at the sight of the fridge light that illuminated nothing but the shelves.

"We eat out too much. I can call Tenzin maybe he can bring us some supplies."

"No, Tenznin will bring us a very selective diet and If I'm going to be in here for two weeks then I need real food. You know Kya, these abs don't feed themselves." Kya raised an eyebrow, moments away from kissing Lin, when the earthbender pulled out her phone.

"Mako? Okay... okay... look, I'm out for two weeks. Try not to start a gang war while I'm gone. I need you to do something for me."

"Tell him to get KitKat!" Kya said, Lin raised a finger, telling Mako to get a pen and paper.

"You ready?" Lin asked him, and began to fill him in on their grocery desires.

"Pretzels too! I could use pretzels right about now..." Lin added pretzels to list of demands. Finally when they were satisfied with the list, they hung up the phone.

"He says he'll be around in an hour. He went to get Asami because he's never gotten groceries on this scale before."

"Smart." Kya smiled up at Lin, who was checking her phone. "So..." Kya said, drumming her fingers on the counter, "what should we do for an hour?" Lin looked up, putting her phone face down on the counter.

"Well you're practically undressing me with your eyes."

"Am not!"

"Oh yeah?. What color bra do I have.on today?" Kya pursed her lips, thinking.

"White."

"Wrong, black."

"What? No.I remember this morning you-" she stopped as Lin pulled open her flannel, revealing the black bra she was indeed wearing.

"You tricked me." Lin smirked, walking around the counter and planting a kiss on Kya's lips.

"I have some paperwork to get done, call me when Mako gets here." Lin smirked as she walked off, and Kya glared at her, running her tongue over her teeth. Thinking about how there's no one else she'd rather be quarantined with.

Mako knocked, letting them know their things were outside their door, as per standard, they waited until the two kids had left before picking up their things, Lin put four bags on her arms, gesturing for Kya to take the remaining two. She put the stuff on the counter, and watched as Kya took the time to wipe everything with Lysol.

"Kya," Lin said seriously, "are you worried at all? About this whole thing?"

"Like being quarantined? No not all."

"No, not that, I mean more like the pandemic in general."

"Oh. I haven't really thought about it, but yeah, I guess I am. I'm worried about mom, I know she's safe as she could be in the south pole, but this isn't how I want her to go. Are you worried about Toph?"

"Are you kidding me? The woman couldn't die if she tried!" They laughed, and Lin put her hands behind her, gripping the edge of the counter. "In all serious, I'm more worried about the people, the news says the unemployment rate has sky rocketed in the last few days."

"Lin?" Kya asked, putting the wipes down. "We're good right? Financially?"

"Oh dear, of course. I've been working for thirty years, saved up as much as I could not to mention my share of the Beifong fortune... its not me I worry about."

"Mako?"

"Yeah."

"He'll be alright, we won't let anything happen to him. I bet Asami and Korra already have a plan for him that he's completely unaware of in case things go south." Lin smiled and Kya lifted her lips to Lin's scarred cheek.

"Come on," she said, "help me put this stuff away."

The two of them cooked together for supper, and Lin almost forgot what it was like to be home for supper, let alone to cook it.

"Okay I think I got it," Kya said, lifting the spoon to her mouth.

"Kya, that's the stirring spoon you can't lick it and put back."

"Oh yeah? Watch me." Kya drew her tongue over the spoon, maintaining eye contact with Lin and causing her to blush. Lin gulped, breaking the eye contact and Kya returned the spoon to the pot, stirring the sauce again. Lin went for the sink, grabbing Kya's butter as she went past.

"Lin!" She yelped, swatting her girlfriend playfully on the shoulder.

"I didn't do anything!"

"Yeah right!"

"I swear!" Kya narrowed her eyes, seeing through Lin's weak attempt to hide a smile. Lin set the salad and the bread on the table, ordering the plates and glasses across form each other, lighting a candle in the center.

"Whats going on?" Kya asked, looking at Lin's arrangement.

"I figure, since we're here, I might as well make up for all the date nights I've had to reschedule, or cancel, and never got around to it." Kya looked at her thoughtfully, putting her pot on the table.

"You're telling me I've been on a date this whole time and didn't know?"

"Yep. Surprise," Kya stifled a laugh and sat across from Lin, staring at the other girl lovingly.

"Well, you should know I don't usually go home with someone on the first date."

"Well good thing its not the first date then." Kya raised her eyebrows, her eyes still locked with Lin as she brought a piece of food to her mouth. Lin caught Kya up on everything in her life, the abnormally quiet Pice Chief talked on and on, and Kya listened, absorbing every word of it.

"Kya?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you finished?"

"Oh, yeah,' she said, sitting up. Lin took her plate, and Kya admired her from behind.

"Lin," she said, "put the dishes down."

"What?"

"We'll do them tomorrow. Please, just kiss me already."

"What if you have Covid?" Kya chuckled.

"Then we'll both have it anyway." She pushed herself off her chair, meeting Lin halfway across the kitchen, their lips meeting in an epic dance. Kya jumped, wrapping her legs around Lin's waist and the metalbender's hands found places underneath Kya's thighs to hold her. Lin set her on the kitchen counter, pushing her abdomen in between Kya's legs.

"Been a while since we've done this," Lin admitted between breaths.

"We haven't had time."

"Well, now we have two weeks to make up for it." Kya smiled as Lin's lips clashed with hers again.

"I love you," Kya whispered.

"I love you too."

1 week of quarantine

"Wait so what happened in the last movie?" Kya asked, just to get a rise out of Lin.

"Kya, were you even paying attention? Qui Gon and Obi-wan, master and Padwan head to the desolate planet of Tattooine where they-"

"Lin, I'm kidding." Lin rolled her eyes and Kya cuddle in close, reaching her arm over into the popcorn bowl on Lin's lap.

"Don't do that again or I'll spoil it for you." Kya laughed, pressing a light kiss on Lin's cheek. When Kya had mentioned she'd never seen a Star Wars movie, Lin had organized a rather professional viewing of them all, in chronological order. Kya would much rather be doing something else, but she could see how excited Lin was to watch them with her, so she did. All the good (and bad) the movied had to offer.

"Whos that?"

"Anakin."

"The little boy?"

"Yeah, there's a time gap."

"Wow, he's so grown up."

"Just you wait," Lin said, placing a fistful of popcorn in her mouth. Befoee the movie could get any further, the phone rang, and Lin got up to answer it, letting the movie play for Kya.

"Hello? Pema is that you? Hmm? No we are just- really? Is everyone okay?" Kya sat up, looking over at her girlfriend with concern.

"Theres a breakout at the air temple," Lin whispered to Kya.

Oh no, poor Pema. I hope Rohan is okay.

"Is Tenzin there? Okay, well, try to stay calm, please Pema! Where's Jinora? Put her on the phone." Lin tapped the counter, waiting for the eldest of the Airbender kids to come to the phone.

"Jinora? Is everyone okay? Ikki has it? You need to keep her away from the others, don't let Rohan out of his room, and please, try to keep you're mother calm until your father gets home tomorrow. Yes... I love you too Jinora, good bye, as soon as we can leave we'll come down there." Lin put her phone on the counter with a sigh, and Kya ran up to her.

"We have to go, I can help them!" Kya pleaded.

"No, dear, we can't help them. If we go there we are just exposing ourselves to it, and I don't like to admit but we aren't exactly spring pig-chickens anymore Kya." Kya frowned, crossing her arms.

"Lin, they are our family."

"I know Kya, but we can help them by staying here, and staying healthy. Don't forget we can be incarcerated for leaving." Kya growled, scrunched her nose and Lin reached her hand out on the counter.

"One more week to go, we got this. Remember what you told me, try to enjoy it."

"Pretty sure I said we could try that technique from that movie where I use waterbending to-"

"Well I paraphrased it." Kya's lips formed a smile, and her heart melted at the soft look Lin was giving her.

"Come on," she said, "let's watch this movie." Lin nodded and the two of them returned to the sofa, Kya resting her head on Lin's lap, her hair being tousled by the police chief. Every so often she'd look up at Lin, who was absolutely enticed by the movie, even though she said it was 'the worst one.' She fell asleep before the end, and Lin let Kya stay there long into the night, moving her only once her own bladder couldn't take it any longer, placing her in their bed. Kya groaned softly, rolling over and pulling all the blankets for herself. Lin crawled in behind her, still holding her in her arms.

3 Days until the end of quarantine.

"Kya, I know you've lost all sense of time, but you need to put clothes on."

"Whats the point? No one comes, no one goes. No one sees me. No one knows..."

"If you start speaking in poetry again I'm locking you in the bathroom."

"Go ahead, at least there I hear the voices from the drain." Kya groaned, flopping onto the couch face first. Lin sighed.

"Do you.... need to talk?" Lin almost choked on the words, but it got Kya's attention and she sat upright.

"I've always been an extrovert Lin. Im a people person and now that the people in my life have been removed... I'm just a person." Lin pursed her lips, she hadn't thought about it like that before. She had always been reserved, truthfully quarantine had been easy for her, she did daily workouts, reading... other stuff with Kya. But Kya couldn't be on her phone for more than half an hour without needing a change of space.

"I don't know how to help you with that..." Lin started, "but I can... give you a hug?" Kya smiled sadly and walked up to Lin, forgetting her nudity and hugging her.

"Lets go on the porch for a bit," Kya said, "I need some air."

"You're going to have to put some clothes on then, I don't think the neighbors will appreciate your tits being out the same way I do." Kya laughed, looking down at her torso.

"Oh they would. But fine. I'll put on some clothes, but you better be the one taking them off later."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Kya grinned, satisfied with that, before she could dissappear into the bathroom however, Lin called to her.

"Oh, Kya!"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Maybe we can try that thing you mentioned last week." Kyas eyes went wide, and Lin smirked.

"This is why, I love you Lin Beifong."

"I love you too. Now go get dressed, we're going to miss the warmest part of the day." Kya sped off, and Lin watched her go, the same gentle smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I could be quarantined with her for the rest of my life, and I'd never get bored. When Kya returned, she skipped onto the porch, and Lin used her bending to extend the available area for the moment. Kya sat at the edge of the concrete, letting her feet hang over the edge, humming a gentle tune. Lin sat next to her, her lips pursed in indecision.

"Kya," she said, drawing the waterbenders crystal blue eyes to her. "When this is over, we should get married." Kyas eyes widened, and for a minute Lin thought she scared her, but then she was pulled into the most passionate kiss of the their relationship, nearly sending both of them to the ground below.

#lin beifong #team avatar #kyalin #legend of korra #kyalinweek2020

87 notes · View notes

ourladylennon · 3 years

Text

this is a stress rant and also I absolutely have to get these thoughts out of my head and onto something so that I can understand how I'm feeling. so pardon me.

I have some very mixed feelings about my latest tattoo experience and it has been incredibly, astoundingly stressful. For anyone who was interested in how it went.

and after typing out this whole rant and reading it back my advice is: ALWAYS make sure it is exactly what you want. ALWAYS speak up if you don’t.

I have a specific style, as everyone, but the style of tattoo I have is a bit of a niche that can be hard to find: geometric design with dotwork/pointillism/stippling techniques to create shading rather then standard fill in shading. This shading style is incredibly time consuming and taxing for the artist and I've had a lot of trouble finding people who specialize in this (and within my area).

I started with an artist about 3 years ago, whom was new to me but known to be good. Got my appt set up, he drew me an entire sleeve- it was absolutely gorgeous. Went through two sessions and his work is genuinely amazing. Clean. Precise. Detailed. Unique. I didn't vibe with him too great but it was something I kind of put aside. But without explaining the whole fucking mess that became, just know that our artist-client relationship fell through. This left me with only the beginning of my tattoo. The whole ordeal was really stressful and upsetting so I put down the goal of getting it finished to try and recoup. And I just continually hit roadblocks trying to find artists who are good at dotwork and willing to do it. Often times they live in other cities/states/etc. Obviously this involves meeting a new artist, trying to figure out if it's a good fit, driving out for consultations/redoing all that process- s t r e s s. Now with covid, it's even more difficult because almost every artist I've come across that I've considered has closed books. All of them being out of town which is fine because it would be worth it. It's expected.

But after three years of this go around of trying to find someone, I was getting really put out by the process and just wanting to get this thing going. (Mistake #1- or #2 technically cause fucking up w the first artist is where it all started and I do regret it to this day).

A new shop opened IN my town- a miracle!!! I started following an artist whose work I found to be particularly amazing. Clean lines, clean shading, artistic seeming. Didn't see any pointillism, but I just like kept seeing her work and thinking damn that's good. So I decided to reach out and told her this is what I'm looking for, a dotwork sleeve and here are some examples of the style I like. I specifically mentioned this and asked if they'd be interested in working on it because I know that dotwork is not everyone's thing. The artist replied and said they've been wanting to get into and would like to do that (we'll call this mistake #3. Do not assume the artist, even if very good at other things will be good at all things. Do not go to an artist wanting a specific style without having seen their work for THAT style).

At this point I sent over pictures of my current tattoo that we'd be adding onto for reference. In my mind this is what I thought would mean: "I am looking at what you have to see how to incorporate it into a new sleeve design and see how I can create a collaborative piece and mesh the two together." (Mistake #4: that was not the case. Do not assume. Anything. Ever.)

The appt date was relatively quick despite the fact that I figured she'd be booked out for quite some time (red flag #1: not because she wasn't busy. But because this was not a whole lot of time to come up with a design but I figured "Well she knows her capabilities better than I do and she wouldn't suggest it that soon if she weren't sure). In my previous experiences, the artist will send you a proof or have a separate appt to review the design. I never received an email with said design (red flag #2, in my personal opinion. But I thought I was just being...extra? Also just thought, okay I'll see it at the appt and it will be OK, right? <- mistake #5).

I show up, there is no sleeve design. (RED FLAG #3) There are two single mandala tattoos. Outlines only. No shading. I'd also like to say my style is much more geometric fractals than it is mandala. A lot of people find these interchangeable but...they're really much different. (RED. FLAG. #4). I genuinely did not see that coming. Maybe I'm wrong to say, but this was negligent in my opinion and experience. A sleeve design ensures that your finished piece flows, that it works together, you can see the whole picture, modify, etc. Especially with it being an addition to my existing work. Cannot stress how much of a red flag.

I'm wigging out at this point. I don't love them but I want this tattoo. I'm going back and forth thinking, "maybe it's just because the shading isn't filled in I can't picture it." (MISTAKE #6: trust your gut!!!). I tell her OK well I like this about this one and that about that one. She only nods and listens, where I was expecting feedback; perhaps an "OK well we can draw it on" or "I can rework it" etc. She didn't and I am too paralyzed to speak up. (Red flag #4)

Mistake #7: I accept it at this point. I pick between the two. She has to go resize it. I'm having a literal internal freak out and battle. I am someone who DOES NOT know how to speak up for themselves. In any way. EVER. For any reason. At any time. I am a fear based individual, in fact, I am nearly certain I have APD (avoidant personality disorder) and it effects me severely and deeply. To the point that simply speaking to someone can be hard for me.

But my brain was screaming you cannot do this! You aren't sure! This is for life! It's your body!! You HAVE to say something! (RED fucking alert)

She came back with the one design resized and my heart is thumping, my chest is constricting, the throat feels like it's closing. I make myself say it. I tell her I don't think this is what I'm looking for. I literally almost busted into tears trying to say it because I was so fucking terrified and overwhelmed. I've never been in a position where I genuinely wasn't sure whether I liked what I was looking at. She says you don't need to be sorry you should speak up this is your body. So immediately, I lost a lot of tension because of her kindness. I thought she would be angry or rude or upset, just because I'm fearful. She proceeded to kind of go in and shade in with a pencil on the stencil to give me a better idea and apologized that she should have had that prepared. I continue asking questions to assuage my concerns and feel....better....ish. she offers to redraw and reschedule but I went against my gut, gave into my desperacy to continue my sleeve, dismissed my feelings as being just my typical overexertion of fear and did something I NEVER do: turn my back on my instincts. (Mistake. Mistake #8)

She was pleasant and I genuinely enjoyed her, felt comfortable with her which is not something I can say about previous artists and that's a good chunk of why I decided to continue. I liked her, I liked her other work I've seen, I just thought that once the stippling was in that I'd see it was really nice. However, I am laying there and I'm like I do not feel poking, which is literally how dotwork is done. Dot by dot. I'd feel her do the tiniest bit of dot-dot-dot and I'm like OK OK I'm just not paying full attention and missing it. But then I'd hear and feel her shading- standard shading. I'm like why is she using a shading tip? I'm just confused honestly. I'm like I have no idea what the could be for, just assume it's necessary for something I didn't realize. But I can see because I'm laying and my arms at a weird angle.

I finally get a peek while she's pausing and its....not dotwork. It's not dotwork at all, in fact. It's too late at this point in my eyes. It was only partially done but what am I gonna do? Stop her in the middle and have an unfinished tattoo? And then what? (Try to) go to someone else to have them do dotwork and have a half unmatching tattoo? There was nothing I could do. So I resigned and accepted this as the consequences of my actions and ill choices. And that's honestly been the hardest part to deal with: I let this happen to myself because I could not speak up. The only person who could have stopped this was ME. And I could not do it. That's how deeply my issues of fear run. And that is terrifying, pathetic, sad.

I'm not saying I got the world's ugliest tattoo. It's okay. Just okay. In the words of RuPaul, meh. I don't want meh. I want astounding. And I didn't do what I needed to to make that happen or not happen.

I just have been in awe over the fact that I asked for dotwork and the artist expressed no concern over this, literally had my existing tattoo right above where they were working and continued to not emulate that style of shading at all. Most of this is my fault, 90% of it. But there was negligence on the artists side and I genuinely don't think they meant it to be. I just don't think they had enough experience, but they too should have spoke up if they didn't feel they could carry it out. They gave me no inclination that they could not or would not be doing dotwork. At any point. And I do feel upset that I don't think they put in the effort or care to work off my existing tattoo in their design, and in looking back, their design also does not look nearly anything like the designs I gave for example. It was my job to walk away and request a redesign or to cancel and I didn't. So in the end this is on me. And it has been very taxing on my mental state.

To end this shit show: the tattoo I just got costed half of what my first one did, while only having taking the fraction of time as my first and being less then half the size of my first. It is not nearly as clean, it certainly reflects their level of experience. The shop environment was not fantastic: it felt a bit like as if I had walked into a chain restaurant...but a tattoo shop. There were no private rooms, there were no tattoo chairs. They were literal stools and that's not...not professional or normal. And I chose to continue.

I'm faced with some really tough decisions moving forward. I am at least thankful it is relatively small ish and wraps towards my inner arm which makes it less visible. But I'm at a crossroads of whether I go through the whole mess of trying to find a FOURTH artist to try and finish my sleeve the way it was meant to be finished (dotwork, whole sleeve design etc) and make the best of it at the risk of having a fucking patchwork arm. Or I continue to work with this artist and see the design through myself (literally design it myself which I didn't want to do but it doesn't appear that I should leave this to them), so that at least the remainder of my arm is consistent shading and work.

And because I've made it sound like the tattoo is atrocious, be assured it's not trash by any means. It's just not what I wanted. Big sis learned a big lesson.

(the immediate center is bothering me the most. But I think it can be altered. Nonetheless. The skill/experience level shows, unfortunately. And you can certainly see the difference between the stipple shading on my first tattoo and the regular shading on the new one.)

I am trying to be positive and that's all I can do. I accept the results and I think it can be fixed to a certain extent, and I can only hope as I move forward that I make the right decision and that the end product is something I enjoy.

#aye aye aye children #it was a big lesson is all i can say #genuinely helped to get all this out #i was able to identify my biggest stressor of this whole experience which is a disappointment in myself first and foremost #but i have hope #and it will be okay #as my dear anon reminded me tis but a bump in the road #sorry for the huge ass rant but i have been having the worst anxiety over it and i do feel a lot better #and i am glad to get this off my chest and move on #it's like a resolution to move forward now #deep breath! :-)

6 notes · View notes

606writings · 4 years

Note

Hi! Can I have Gavin with an s/o that gets a spike in her depression. Like, she's flying alright one day, but the next all of a sudden she is much worse? Covid has been messing with me a bit

SC: Depression [Gavin]

A/N: Hi hi! Sorry for the late response, I was a bit busy with university:( But now I’m here happy to share this with you all, since this actually helped me to express what I feel like when I struggle with anxiety and depression. And I hope this helps you to remember that you have people who love you!💛 Get well soon, enjoy!💞

Warning: This isn’t very heavy, but be aware this is about depression.

Genre: Fluff, angst(?).

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning then.” Said Gavin before placing a gentle good-bye kiss on your cheek.

You smiled widely at your boyfriend and nodded cheerfully.

“Yes! I’m so excited to get that dessert everyone is going crazy about…!” You replied giving small and eager jumps.

He laughed lightly and waved at you, just before getting on Sparky, leaving you standing in front of your apartment’s building radiating happiness.

You sighed still overwhelmed by all the good things you lived today with Gavin. It was such a pretty day, so he asked you out to take a ride and then a walk in the park with him.

You talked about a lot of fun stuff, and you two completely forgot about your jobs so it became a very relaxing evening with him, and one of your best days together.

While walking to your apartment you started to think about the next day, since you two agreed to go to a famous restaurant everyone was talking about because they had the “most delicious desserts in all the city”.

Agreed? I didn’t even ask him if he wanted to go, I just said we would go together…

You said that as a joke to yourself and laughed. But then that innocent thought made you think more deeply about it:

Yeah… I kind of forced him to say yes…

The smile, that until now was still beaming through your face, started disappearing.

Gavin doesn’t even like desserts that much, what if he didn’t want to go there? I should’ve asked him…

As every word filled your head with worries and regrets, your steps started slowing down until you were almost dragging your feet.

By the time you finally arrived at your apartment’s door you were feeling a strong pressure on your chest and your breath was heavier and heavier.

Should I just cancel our plans for tomorrow…?

You asked to yourself as you entered your home and walked directly towards your bedroom without paying attention to anything else, and falling onto your bed with what little energy you had left.

Even though it started as small thoughts about canceling your plans and worrying about forcing Gavin to do something he didn’t want to, they lead to negative and stronger thoughts.

Suddenly, you felt as if a dark and cold bubble started wrapping you around, accompanied by an emptiness in the stomach that was annoying you, since you had already eaten an hour ago.

But you knew it wasn’t real hunger, it was a side effect of the well-known darkness you were falling into once again, in a very long time since you started dating Gavin.

After that, you had a long and hard night dealing with your thoughts without being able to fall asleep, as they were lurking in your mind, till you could finally get some sleep.

Early in the morning you heard your alarm, piercing loudly through your ears waking you up, but instead of following your usual routine, you hit the alarm and almost broke it so it wouldn’t sound again later, and went back to sleep.

But that moment of peace vanished after 20 minutes when your phone rang with an incoming call. Not even wanting to see who it was, you pushed the phone off the bed and you let it ring, thinking that after a few minutes whoever was calling would get tired and just forget it.

Oh, how wrong you were. Only 10 minutes had passed when they called again and again, one after another trying to reach out to you. That’s when you decided to turn the phone off, so you wouldn’t be bothered again.

What you weren’t aware of, was that the one person calling was Gavin, actually excited about having breakfast with you since he couldn’t spend that much time with you lately, and he decided to make it up for you doing something you would like and buying your favorite foods.

When you didn’t pick up the first time, he thought you still weren’t awake so he decided to wait a bit more before calling again. He reconsidered letting you rest until you wake up on your own, but he was sure you would be mad if you lose your chance to try together the desserts you were so eager about.

After dialing your number over and over again, you still hadn’t picked up and he was getting worried. So, when he tried one last time, he heard the characteristic tone letting him know that your phone was turned off.

Without waiting a second, he got out from his house and wandered hurriedly through the air to your apartment, already planning to search for you all over the city if necessary.

Letting a relieved sigh out, he was now flying in front of your window, watching you curled up in a fetal position with your face buried in the pillow. At first he thought his assumptions were right, you were still asleep and probably forgot about your date, but after a few seconds he wasn’t so sure about why would you turn off your phone even if you were trying to sleep; you never did so, since you were always ready to take calls from your work.

Gavin furrowed his brows with confusion and tapped slowly in your window to see if you were asleep. When you heard the low knocks in the glass, you instantly turned around, encountering with a pair of golden eyes full of preoccupation.

For the first time in that day you got up, with your hair all messy and still with last night’s clothes all wrinkled. You opened the window to let him come in while avoiding his stare.

“What’s wrong?” He asked with gentleness.

Gavin approached you and grabbed your chin to make you look at him, so he could analyze your looks.

“Are you alright? Did something happen?”

And like a lighthouse in the middle of a dark night guiding you through the deep ocean, a beam of joy sparkled in your chest just by hearing his sweet words.

But at the same time the heavy feeling of regret for making him worry and causing him to come all the way just for you, was blocking that beam from spreading.

“I… I’m fine…” You replied, nodding your head and stepping back away from him.

He stood quiet for a moment, before softening his factions and speaking with a sweet voice:

“Y/N…You can tell me honestly if you’re not okay…” With a gentle touch, he caressed your head trying to comfort you.

You stopped to think about his words for a few seconds, with negative thoughts still filling your mind about not being a burden to him anymore. But when you raised your eyes to place them over him, those fears instantly disappeared, since it was so obvious he was there not because you were forcing him to, or something like that. He was there because he cared about you, a LOT.

The proof to that was right there in front of you, in his golden bright eyes full of love and concern. You must be blind not to see his true intentions.

“O—Ok… I’ll tell you everything…” You replied with low voice, stepping back again, this time to sit in your bed, with Gavin imitating your moves to sit right beside you.

Before you could start speaking up once again and completely open yourself to him, he held you in a tight, yet tender, embrace:

“Remember that you can always count on me, I’ll be by your side at your worst and best times, no matter what.”

Gavin placed a warm and sweet kiss on your forehead, and then laid back into the bed, with you still in his arms.

“Just relax, and talk to me whenever you feel ready to, ok?” He said closing his eyes, with a comforting smile in his face.

You stared at him for a second, admiring how handsome he looked with sunshine rays striking his face.

Now you were totally sure: that man was there because he loved you. Your previous insecurities didn’t disappear like magic, as you knew it would take a lot for that feeling to pass by, but now you felt strong enough to open up to Gavin and ask him for help and comfort when you most needed to.

Then you nodded, forgetting he could not see you as he had his eyes closed, and answered:

“Yes. Thank you for staying with me, Gav…”

“Always.” He responded, with honesty in his voice.

#mlqc #mlqc gavin #mr love queens choice #mr love queens choice gavin #mlqc gavin x reader #mlqc gavin x mc #mlqc x reader #mlqc x mc #mr love queens choice gavin x reader #mr love queens choice gavin x mc #otome game #otome x reader #otome x mc #love x producer #evol x love #evol x producer #anime

99 notes · View notes

thejosh1980 · 3 years

Text

(Seems like) Years since yesterday...

Today, 1 year ago, is a special day...

One year ago today was the last time I bought myself a new guitar... I always wanted a Guild, and as I had been touring a lot with The Cashbags I figured I could now afford it. It's blonde, with P90s and as close as I could get to one of my idols, Dave G from The Paladins.

I bought it second hand via “Ebay Kleinanzeigen”, right before a show with The Cashbags. The guy came to the venue, before sound check and I tried it out. I was in love... I bought it there and then...

I played it that night at The Cashbags show too. This was the only show I played my own guitar during all my years touring with the band. Usually I would use the band gear, as it best suited the look the band wanted (and it was easy for me, I didn't have to carry my guitar and amp to and from shows)...

It's also the only show I have so far played with this guitar...

Why?

Well that's cause of that damn pandemic.

You see, that show in Langenselbold was to become the last one The Cashbags would play with me...

I knew I was leaving the band at the end of the tour, which was at the end of April, but COVID had a different plan. It's kinda hard to explain how it felt driving to the show, a good 6 hours, with 1 or 2 date cancellations happening along the way... However, by the the next morning hotel breakfast, the rest of the tour was cancelled.

We lost 6 solid weeks of shows...

But how naive I was. I thought we'd be back at it pretty soon; dates rescheduled, last minute shows would be booked... you know the deal. But in the end, I didn't share the stage with the band again, I didn't get to say goodbye to half the band members before leaving Germany either.

Alex and I had only been married 10 days when restrictions started to begin in Germany. The full lockdown was a week or two later, wasn't it? I don't know, it's all a bit of a blur.

I was lucky, at the time, I had my studio which was all mine, so I could get out of the apartment, walk the dog and play guitar, loud... The new guitar got some action, behind closed doors of course.

You know the story, we started selling up, packing up and, eventually, moved down under...

It feels surreal to think how, at the time, we had no idea how this was going to affect us. It's quite clear the pandemic has brought out the best (and worst) in people.

I think for me, during my time in Dresden's restrictions, everything felt, well, OK. It didn't feel too bad, but I had a lot to focus on. The “goodbyes” to everyone was the hardest thing. I don't remember being under the weather, depressed or sick. I may have been, but whatever negative thoughts and feelings there were, they weren't strong during that time.

I was lucky to be one of the earlier guests on the Blue Note live stream in March, which encouraged me to do my own live streams in April and May. As unprepared as I was to learn so many new songs, it was a good focus, until it got too much.

In July we had “The Josh Fest” which was too much for my emotions. Dresden, I feel the love. I'm so thankful (and lucky) so many friends could come out for one last party. Reuniting old bands, new bands and old friends on stage, it'll go down as one of the best shows in my life. One that ended with me in tears...

When we had the first cancelled flight and rescheduled flights in mid July, I don't remember feeling too bad about it all either. I didn't like it, but our delay was only a week or two. And we had a roof over our head and Alex's family there to support us.

But once the 3rd or 4th rescheduled flight happened it started to get scary and worrying. I remember some really bad days in Meine. I had lost all hope of getting home. We were in limbo, and had little control over the situation. Our health insurances had expired, we were no longer registered in Germany and were worried constantly if the next flight would let us on. So many last minute cancellations, wears one down. I spent quite a bit of my time frustrated, depressed and helpless during those 2 months.

Once we took control, used some savings and bought ourselves new flights, we made it to Adelaide. I definitely felt better by taking action. However, another set of challenges arise, quarantine isn't fun. We were lucky with our hotel, room and food, but it's still tough... Very tough... And I sympathize with everyone who's had to go through it, especially those who are doing it under hardship.

In late September we made it mum's. We finally made it... I'd been waiting for this moment for a year (longer than originally planned of course). I made the decision to move in September/October 2019. I had achieved a lot in Europe, so many amazing adventures (good and challening) that I'll have enough memories to last a life time (if I can remember them!).

I wanted to come back and take care of my family.

When we arrived at mum's, it hit me... I was back! I didn't feel the excitement I thought I would. I felt bad for Mum. Like, shouldn't I have been crying? Shouldn't I have been screaming! “I'm baaaaaaack!!!” In the end I think it was just relief... We'd arrived almost 3 months later than expected. We needed to settle in.

I think settling in took a while. Is it still happening? Even the smell of the fresh salt air knocks you out! Lots of new things to get used to. Integration had begun. Usually I returned home for a holiday, now it was a return for good. This is a full time permanent position.

I did enjoy October through to January. Alex wasn't working, we had time to do stuff, relax... Enjoy the local scene. I don't surf every day, but definitely as often as conditions allow. I did some work, which I previously blogged about. Alex started working in December, and she loves her job... Things were pretty good...

I was, I still am, trying to get over saying goodbye to my puppy, my friends and wondering why I had little motivation to pick up the guitar...

In mid January Mijo, my little kitten, came into my life. Thanks to my wonderful wife, she knew full well I wouldn't decide to get a pet on my own, and on the responsibility to bring some fur into our lives. Damn I'm lucky.

In fact, Alex's intuition is amazing... She always seems to know know when to ask questions, when to listen, when to take action and when to bring coffee. Bless her cotton socks...

However come February I'd hit the wall. I don't know what it is, what it was.... But it's been a little while coming, and hasn't gone away. It did leave me in bed for 3 days, and don't ask me the reason, cause I can't tell you.

I've had a lot of motivation issues... I just don't feel like getting up... I have to, because I gotta drive mum to work and pick her up. Once back home, usually I drink coffee and force myself to do something, anything... I've used the excuse of “training Mijo” that I visit friends with him, but really my heart hasn't been in it. I just know I'd feel guilty if I didn't do anything...

I've had a lot of paperwork to fill out since getting home. Bank accounts and all that kind of stuff... Alex's visa (which is still on going for another 18 months or so). Also local government bureaucratic stuff I have to deal with. Taxes! I'm planning to start studying in April, but to enroll the process comes with a lot of documentation, questions and answers...

So... Lately...

I have distanced myself from everyone lately. Except for a few moments, I haven't picked up the guitar in almost 12 months. I barely do anything. Writing this blog today, has taken a lot of energy and focus to start. If it wasn't for the “anniversary” today, I wouldn't have even begun to type.

To help you understand the hole I was (and still am) in... I have been blessed with a roof over my head, food every day, a loving wife, a beautiful kitten, a loving mum (and family and friends), the beach, the sounds of birds waking me up and (mostly) great weather... But I'm still unhappy...

How could that be? Why is that?

I know I wrote a few times before, that writing has helped me process my feelings. So I figured I'd better try it. Practice what I preach!... But don't ask me how I feel, I just don't know... and it can change in a heart beat.

I got out of bed today, and I did some office work... First time in over a week... Stuff I've been putting off... I'll need to make a few calls this afternoon too... But in between I think I'll rest... Relax...

Usually, I push myself too much... I have pushed myself to the edge (again)... I've been feeling desperate, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless and, well, just plain shit... I know I gotta get out of it, but these days I'm trying a new approach: pull back, relax, rethink, rest and figure out the right balance... So far I am somewhere in the middle....

At least I think I feel better than when I was constantly powering through and not acknowledging my feelings.

I'm my worst critic, and I feel guilty if I don't “do” every day... I gotta “do” this or that... But sometimes you gotta take care of yourself... That is also a “do”... isn't it? Self care. Self love. Listening to your body.

So it's been one of the roughest years in a long time for us... hasn't it??

Damn...

Please don't do what I do and ignore the stress and pressure... What I mean is, there's been so many new things for all of us, so many new challenges, we forget how far we've come. We forget we are still here.

We have achieved so much, even if it's the fact we got out of bed today!!!

We need to be kind to each other, but more importantly to ourselves. I wouldn't treat my pet, my friends or my family as badly as I do myself, so why am I doing that?? It's gotta stop.

I gotta listen to myself when I don't feel up to it, and forgive myself for putting myself first... Rest... Reflection... Relaxing... Recuperation... Maybe then I can begin the next chore... Like filling out this damn paperwork just to get into college...

https://youtu.be/-rkq9ffBpWY - The Paladins - Years Since Yesterday

Thanks for reading,

Josh

#depression #ptsd #musicians #pandemic #anxiety #struggling #self love

3 notes · View notes

oldsaltychipp · 4 years

Text

I don't write much about me personally and my thoughts but I need an outlet so keep scrolling if you'd want. I'm just getting this all out here as I don't really have any other outlet. Bottom line is 2020 has been shit since day 1. Here's the last 20 months

Late summer 2018 a position I've been striving for opened up with my company, 1 catch I had to pick up and move away from everything I've known the last 45 years. I talked to my boys, my ex and family and they all supported this decision. Bottom line though was I needed a fresh start as I just felt like life had become groundhog day. So with that support I picked up my life and moved 900km away, oh and am 8 hour ferry ride in there as well. Thanksgiving day 2018 I got off the ferry at 7am to sunshine and great views as I traveled the rest of the way to my new life.

I had been seeing someone before I left and it was known we would be ending it. They actually did some work in my new city and came to visit for a week the week after i arrived. It was my birthday weekend and she left that Sunday morning. I wanted to meet people so I decided to go the dating route to help thinking it will be a while before i met someone i was truly interested in. I was wrong. I swiped on someone thinking they were out of my league, so beautiful and seemingly similar interests.

I was shocked she swiped right on me that same day. From our first conversation there was an automatic chemistry. We met that Friday night for appies and first quick kiss. We met twice more over the wkend. That Tuesday she had to go away for work and a planned vacation. We actually missed each other like crazy already. I had to go home to get more stuff and it went by where she was on vacation so she ended her vacation early to travel back with me. Chemistry was off the charts in every way.

She had ghosts from her past, her ex had committed suicide a few months after they got married. They were only together a total of 18 months. He gave her the life she was looking for. Her and her teenage son had found him. I can't imagine the trauma for them both. We met 2.5 years later and it was a constant in our relationship the love she had for him. I can't fault her for that. I loved her unconditionally. I had never loved like that before. She still lived in their house in the town she's lived most of her life. The ghosts were constant. Around Christmas she got a job offer in her field 700km across the island. We were only 2-3 months in. I was in no position to ask her to stay, i supported her. By March she was moved, she wanted to split but we agreed to try to make it work long distance. We truly loved each other and our times together was great. Only struggle was I'm a bit more introverted and she wasn't. Crowds and parties at times were a struggle for me and i didn't always handle them well.

As summer went on I traveled the island often to camp and hang out. My kids came for the summer, that added a bit of stress but managed it. So many times we shared how great and perfect we were for each other but the distance was the obstacle.. I had just made a major life move and wasn't in a position to rush into another one to be closer. She had bought a house there so this was a more permanent move for her as well. If she had known how strong our feelings would be i think she would've slowed the move down but I can't fault her for the excitement of a new place. I just did the same thing. I offered to move in a specific timeline but needed the commitment to move in rather than move and live in a more expensive place for me. 10 years with this company, it was too much risk as I'm trying yo get ahead in life and not always chasing mistakes.

Fast forward to fall, another gathering that I removed myself from to avoid conflict and it just caused more. It was my birthday and my present was a wkend getaway. We ended up canceling it. Then she began ending us. I didn't see her again until after xmas for a couple hours. We still talked often but we missed each other, she was eating her feelings. Menopause was in full effect, her father whom they had put in a home due to alzheimers was also a huge stress on her. We tried being friends, I went to help in that area during snowmageddon. I stayed the week with her and it was an amazing week for the most part. We got drunk one night and all the emotions came out, she confessed how much she loved me. I would do anything for her. I was supposed to come back for another week 2 week's later. On my drive home she said it was over and don't come back. It crushed me that i was trying to give her space to deal with it all but reminding her how I felt, always trying to support and encourage everything going on on her life. I held out hope she would miss me so much I'd be worth fighting for. It's never come, and now we don't talk. I'm crushed.

Ive tried to move on, date a bit but my heart just can't. My dating has been focused on activity like hiking and hanging out. Not about sex and such. I miss my best friend, the person i connected with better than anyone in my life. I'm trying to make friends here but it's a struggle for someone that doesn't really have great social skills. I engage people daily for work but for some reason people don't want to bring me in as a friend. Covid hasn't helped any of this and there's days the loneliness is crushing and i just want to hide when i can. I'm forcing myself to get out for hikes with a group but timing has meant it's been solo trips.

It took me all my life to find the connection i had with her I won't settle for anything less. Dating is a bitch right now. I love where i live but it's just lonely. I really don't know what the best move is for me at this point.

Thanks for letting me put my jumbled thoughts. There's so much i didn't write but i can't erase the thoughts, memories and feelings. They're too strong. I'll find my way but why can't life just throw me a bone and let me live a happiness i had found. Fuck i miss her, i shouldn't still feel that way but the energy of every day we were together was just magic to me.

21 notes · View notes

humanemotionssuck · 3 years

Text

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

#quaranthings #just quarantine thoughts #2020 #bye2020 #new year

5 notes · View notes

hermionegranger56 · 4 years

Text

ok lads its time for my breakdown of folklore, something absolutely no one is asking for but here we are!! this album. thIs ALBUMMMM. dear GOD. the intersection of my two favorite things, taylor swift and indie folk???? i feel like i’m dreaming. when she announced the surprise drop i literally burst into tears and evidently for good reason lol.

anywho here’s the thing. Red has been my all time favorite album for 8 years now. it holds such an important place in my life and i never thought anything she did could come close (though Lover almost did). but this. THIS IS BETTER THAN RED

the lyrical genius is unmatched here. taylor isn’t just writing songs here, this is POETRY. every song is nuanced, intricate, devastatingly beautiful, with words that’ll haunt me for a long time. and the fact that it’s stories, literal folklore, no longer just about her own life is incredibly creative and is executed so well for someone who has interwoven her life into her entire body of music thus far. folklore blends facts with fiction so seamlessly and is a true exhibition of taylor’s power as a songwriter.

and the vibessss!! from haunting heartbreak songs, to ethereal lost-in-the-woods vibes, to a comforting return to her old self, this album has everything. taylor is without a doubt one of the most versatile artists of our generation, having success and skill in multiple genres and folklore only solidifies this fact.

ALL RIGHT KIDS LETS JUMP IN

the 1: hell yeah explicit tswift give it to me lol you ARE on some new shit!! ok when i first listened to this i hadn’t read her statement about the other perspectives and i was about to RIOT about her and joe breaking up (like they could ever lol). this is such a catchy beat, such a casual?? look at such a painful feeling? a really good start to this album. the part where she goes another day waking up aLONE killlllllls me wow

fave lines: “in my defense i have none/for never leaving well enough alone”

cardigan: (don’t get me started on the mv it’s gorgeous) YES THE TEENAGE LOVE TRIANGLE suchhh a good concept!! the melody of this song is unreal, the chorus makes me want to scream it’s so beautiful, the i-i-i is SOMETHING ELSE. it’s crazy how just the melody makes betty’s pain so palpable, but so enchanting at the same time. it’s bittersweet and cinematic and i’m in love. PETER LOSING WENDY GOD. easily top 5 song here

fave lines: “when you are young they assume you know nothing”, “cause i knew you/ heartbeat on the high line/ once in 20 lifetimes i” “you drew stars around my scars/but now i’m bleeding”

the last great american dynasty: watch hill!!! her watch hill house!! i live near there!! oh i think this song is so clever and i love how it ties into mad woman as well as harkens back to starlight. i LOVE the way she ties her self in, “and then it was bought by me” like ughhh her mind? and its catchy AF

fave lines: “i had a marvelous time ruining everything”

exile: YOU KNOW HOW TO DO AN INDIE ALBUM??? BRING BON IVER INTO THIS SHIT!! wowww this song is haunting and is definitely the “i’m you but stronger” version of The Last Time. the overlap of both of them singing and their parallel lines are flawless. i could play this on repeat for hours and contemplate my whole existence

fave lines: “you never gave a warning sign/i gave so many signs”

my tears ricochet: ok somehow a track 5 with tears in the title is not the saddest song here but DAMN is it good. I love the visual of someone watching over their funeral and reacting. the music is stunningggg here. ALSO i am pretty convinced this is about the whole scott/scooter drama, like the lyrics fit so well? and she said it was the first song she wrote so the timeline kinda fits?? geniusss

fave lines: “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”, “and if i’m dead to you/why are you at the wake?”

mirrorball: ohhhh this one is so pretty!! it just makes me want to dance around the kitchen with the person i love??? its comforting, ethereal, happyyy ugh i love it. I also think it could be about her relationship with her fans? like her music shows us different sides of ourselves idk? or just absorbing into a relationship?

fave lines: “on my tallest tiptoes/shining just for you”

seven: i’m gonna call this now: this is going to be the most underrated song on this album. it is STUNNING. POETIC. HEARTBREAKING. the music is so hauntingly nostalgic. and the lyrics, holy absolute shit. they’re a delicate testament to childhood, memory, and innocent love. it’s gut wrenching and i love it so so much

fave lines: “i’ve been meaning to tell you/i think your house is haunted/your dad is always mad/and that must be why”, “and just like folk song/our love will be passed on”, “before i learned civility/ i used to scream ferociously” ALL OF IT

august: and now we get the girl james cheated with’s perspective, which i think is great. its sunny, wistful and sad underneath all that beautiful production. when she slides from the chorus to the “back when we we’re changing for the better” and hits that “mineeee to lose” GOD, it just fills your chest. i feel like even if you never have, this makes anyone feel like they know exactly what a summer fling feels like. one of my faves

fave lines: “august slipped away/like a bottle of wine”, “cancel my plans just in case you call/ and say meet me behind the mall”

this is me trying: the slow pacing of this melody serves to show these EXQUISITE lyrics here. this is so intimate and personal and i feel like everyone can relate to this feeling of just trying to hold on and put on a brave face?

fave lines: “they told me all of my cages were mental/ so i got wasted like all my potential”

illicit affairs: ok all you need to know about this one is a) I’m obsessed b) this is the closest she has come to creating a bridge that makes me feel like the All Too Well bridge has, like scream sobbing in the car type vibe??? its unreal. and this song makes me feel that shitty feeling of: “this was supposed to be casual but oops its very much not” hmmm maybe that’s where the scream sobbing comes from hahah

fave lines: “don’t call me kid/don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colors you know i can’t see with anyone else”

invisible string: this. THIS is probably her most stunning love song. like. i thought it was Lover. i was wrong. this one is confidently from Taylor’s perspective, about Joe and dear lord i want a love like theirs. and shit does this song put the folk in folklore, the music is so simple and gorgeous and harkens back to her country roots without losing this new sound she has. and the first few notes remind me of Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens so instantly im sold. this and betty are tied for my number 1, it’s just too beautiful

fave lines: “time curious time/give me no compasses/give me no signs” “isn’t it just so pretty to think/all along there was some invisible string/tying you to me”, “cold was steel of the axe that i had to grind/for the boys who broke my heart/now i buy their babies presents”, “hell was the journey/but it brought me heaven”

mad woman: FUCK YOU FOREVERRRRRR!!! yes taylor said fuckkkk ugh i LOVE this vibe, the revenge of the mad woman that the town cast out is so eerie and powerful, i’m obsessed. it ties back into the maddest woman of TLGAD and it feels like a spiritual sequel to The Man, the same feminist thread weaving through it. the lyrics are razor sharp and biting, i love it

fave lines: “and you poke that bear/till the claws come out/ and you find something/ to wrap your noose around”, “it’s obvious wanting me dead has really brought you two together”

epiphany: so uhhh THIS is the saddest song on folklore. fight me. the seamless comparison between wartime and the pandemic and waiting for some epiphany that could make sense of all the horrors surrounding the both. idk man, as someone who’s been a covid nurse since March, i just….this one HURTS. similar to Soon You’ll Get Better tbh

fave lines: “hold your hand through plastic now/doc i think she’s crashing out/and somethings you just can’t speak about”

betty: OH I LOVE IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART! this is such a TRIUMPHANT return to old taylor, it is so joyful but sad at the same time?? the harmonica?? the last part of the love triangle?? it sounds like Taylor Swift and Fearless all grown up and it makes me ache for back then, but love where we are right now. tbh the first time i heard this i sobbed through the whole thing just out of pure nostalgia. she’s back but at the same time she never left. this feels like a love song to original fans and it. is. incredible. my favoriteeee goddd

fave lines: THE WHOLE CHORUS BABYYYYY

peace: it’s gorgeous, especially the guitarrr ugh. this feels like delicate’s quiet older sister. i think it’s definitely about joe and how taylor, despite loving him, still has these insecurities and fears about what a relationship with someone in her position could be like? like there will be struggles, but he’s her family and she “would die for you in secret”. stunning

fave lines: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm”, “the devils in the detail/but you’ve got a friend in me”, “give you my wild/give you a child”

hoax: i’m surprised she ended it on a sad one (but we still have the lakes!!) but this song is hauntingly beautiful WOW. every line of this absolutely floors me. i think this one will also be largely underrated, but it is pure poetry and deserves so so much hype

fave lines: “stood on the cliffside/screaming give me a reason/your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in”, “it still hurts underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark” “my kingdom come undone/ my broken drum/ you have beaten my heart”

ANYWHO TAYLOR HAS PRODUCED HER BEST WORK TO DATE AND IM READY FOR SAD GIRL AUTUMN

#taylor swift #folklore #tswift #folklore the album #taylor swift folklore #ts8 folklore #folklore era #betty #august #cardigan #exile

8 notes · View notes

deebormzone · 4 years

Text

Return of Blog

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything on here. Just for fun, here’s a snapshot of the video games I’ve been playing recently.

Smash Bros.

Remember my old prediction for Fighter Pass 2? Well, I’m already wrong.

That’s okay, though! Min Min is pretty good. I do prefer third-party characters for the wow factor, but Arms didn’t have a rep yet, so this is kind of like adding a new franchise.

Special mention to the Vault Boy costume. Despite everything, I still love Fallout.

Still, I might have underestimated how many first-party characters would be in the second pass. This time around, I’m buying them individually, so I can dodge lamers like Pokemon and New Paper Mario.

The punchline here is that I’m not actually playing the game, because if I fight someone I know, I only win, and if I fight online, I only lose. Neither is fun and life is suffering.

World of Warcraft

These being Covid Times, I thought it would be a good idea to use videogame to provide some social interaction, so I re-subscribed and made ten new characters. The following two months were spent grinding. I stopped once I realized that the game is not actually fun, and cancelled my subscription again.

Note: No social interaction occurred in-game during this time. I anticipate paying sixty dollars plus tax for the expansion.

Evil Genius

I guess this has been my main game lately! Out of nowhere, it’s an old PC game from 2004.

The concept is: A James Bond film, but you are the antagonist. Hollow out a mountain and build an evil underground lair. Recruit minions and execute them when they disappoint you. Embark on evil missions around the globe to increase notoriety. It’s all very silly, and the theme is excellent.

Unfortunately there are a few racial caricatures. Most prominently: my favorite playable genius Shen Yu. It hurts a little whenever he says “this is vitar to my pran”, but his ability helps keep agents off my island, so I have to play as him because I hate those fucking agents goddamn it.

He also starts with my favorite henchman, Lord Kane, a morose gentleman in a top hat who is, according to his biography, “responsible for pretty much every major crime or disaster this century.” His special power is to glare at the enemy, causing them to flee in terror. The enemy’s allies also flee in terror. Even if they are in a completely different room.

Another notable henchman is Dr. Neurocide, a fearsome scientist whose backstory is that she invented Evil Juice and then rubbed it on herself by mistake. I like her because, when you command her to eliminate an intruder in your lair, she replies “right away, sugar,” in a country girl accent.

I like the game a lot, but it can get pretty tough. My first campaign ended in failure because, since I was playing as a Bond villain, James Bond appeared and killed me. I wasn’t too mad about it because I got to see the special failure movie.

Incredibly, this old game is getting a sequel this year! Shen Yu isn’t playable this time, so the devs have probably cleaned up their act a little. Also, one of the unrevealed playable characters looks a little like Dr. Neurocide. Fingers crossed!

The Binding of Isaac

Have I even mentioned this on my blog before? Isaac is one of my favorite games of all time. Top ten for sure. It’s disgusting and vile, but the cute art style takes the edge off, leaving only intense dungeon fight and shoot. I have trouble playing some games lately- my thumb hurts if i have to press too many buttons- but Isaac is a twin-stick shooter. No buttons required!

I’d been avoiding it because I wanted to wait for the game’s fifth(?) free expansion, which has been in the works for at least a year. Then I remembered that instead of waiting, I could instead play the game with only four free expansions. So I did.

Recently, though, the dev posted with an update: the expansion is definitely coming next year probably. With that assured, I’m back to waiting. I’ll play some other roguelikes instead, such as

Hades

Some kind of historical-action-roguelike-dating sim. It’s very good. Still in Early Access, which i usually avoid, but this one’s worth it. They’re close to release, too: next update is 1.0.

Somehow the plot is the most substantial part of this roguelike. Every update, they add another 400 lines of voiced dialogue. You don’t even have to be good at the game to advance the plot, since you hear more after each death!

Still, I wish I wasn’t so bad at it. Any time I see someone playing it on stream, or in person in the case of @thewrongexecution, they’re playing somewhere between heat level six and eight. Meanwhile I can’t win on heat level one. Truly, this is... hell... the Greek hell... Hades... because the game is called that.........

Torchlight 3

Speaking of Early Access games I usually avoid, I got this one on “release” day because I really wanted to play Diablo, and the five existing Diablo clones just weren’t good enough.

It’s okay. The classes are great, especially Robot and Train Summoner, but the game needs polish. No surprises there, since I got it Early Access day one, but it can be tough to play sometimes. Last update added a whole new section to the game, but it also made all the UI elements very small.

Still, I’m pretty sure it’s going to turn out well in the end. If it doesn’t, I’ll just have to hope Diablo 4 isn’t terrible when it comes out three years from now.

World of Horror

I got this game thinking it was a roguelike.

It is, but it is also a horror game! There was a jumpscare! How could this happen?

I look forward to the next time I am bold enough to play it. Soon, I swear.

Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!

Yeah that’s the game’s full, unaltered title.

I’m not actually playing this game at the moment. I had to dial it back because it got too hard, and also because my thumb hurts if I play anything too intensely button-mash heavy.

Even though I’m a poor typist, I’m seriously considering switching over to keyboard controls so I can keep playing, because as hard as it is, this game is incredible. The whole series has been good and the third is the best of all. It’s the world’s most hardcore cooking simulator. A hard sell, I know, so I’ll just leave you with this, one of my favorite “you have seven seconds to prepare for the final stop, at which fifty-three customers will each order a personalized sandwich, and your sliced meats are about to spoil all at once” theme songs.

in closing...

It’s tough times. I can’t go without saying one more thing.

I’ve been watching the nationwide protests on twitch for a while now. I’ve been struck by two main things: the strength and courage of the protesters, and the cowardly violence of the police.

I know my audience is practically nil, but please take a look at the peaceful protests if you haven’t. Take a look at their opposition, the officers who launch gas bombs into crowds and fire rubber bullets at people’s faces.

And holy shit, this is during a pandemic! All the protesters out there are risking their lives on multiple fronts, and they have been for months.

Please support the protesters.

Please support Black communities.

Please wear face masks.

And please be kind to yourselves.

#smash bros #world of warcraft #binding of isaac #hades #evil genius #world of horror #Cook Serve Delicious #torchlight 3 #what's the best way to go to a protest against police brutality?#a cab

10 notes · View notes

sea-salted-wolverine · 3 years

Text

Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

#vent post #writing #holy fuuuuuck #2020

2 notes · View notes

technicolordeams · 4 years

Text

June 7, 2020

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.” - Tom Leveen, Party

This has been my status on discord for about a month now. It just feels too relevant to me at these times.

I know I said I was going to update my blog back in May, but it’s taken me until now to get to doing it. Things have been hectic both with me and in the world. I am dealing with emotional trauma still (But I’m not going to talk about it on here. I do not feel safe enough to do so and I’m going to keep it to myself, my therapists, parents, and pastors at my church. Maybe two other people that I know too. Some people know that something went down with me recently but I won’t spread it around anymore. I’d rather not deal with anything... But it has caused me to have renewed trauma from when I was growing up. Surprisingly I don’t have an association with a girl I considered my best friend for seven years who turned out to be a pathological liar and manipulator. I guess I was able to get closure with that one and just be done with it. But the ones from before that... It just brings those back up. Anyways, I won’t go into any further detail about that in this blog.)

So I’ll try to summarize things a bit... But I’ve never been good at keeping things short. xD

First off, in November of 2019 I started having really bad pains in my stomach. Just... horrific pain. (Before this started, I was working getting a job with the aid of a job coach.) I landed in the ER a total of 4 times, could have been 5 but that fit wasn’t as bad and went away after a couple hours. But in December after my 3rd ER visit to get pain relief and more testing... and some morphine (sorry but this stuff was good. But I know limitations and wasn’t going to the ER for it. It was strictly to ease the pain so I could rest) I had a couple tests done... I FINALLY got an x-ray of my stomach and it showed I had a slightly inflamed gallbladder. Before this, the nurse that was working with me and my parents just believed I was having constipation and I was being too sedentary. That miffed me big time. I remember coming home one day from shopping for groceries and such that my mom was just telling me off about how I need to exercise more... (I have a fear that is ingrained in my head over exercising. Thanks Children’s ED center.) I just went to my room, no lights, didn’t take my jacket off at all, just curled up on my bed and cried as quietly as I could even though I wanted to wail. I was sick of people not believing me when things aren’t going right with my body and I have been mistreated for many things. I didn’t want to hear this from my parents. There was something wrong and I needed help. I did end up getting a HIDA scan after meeting with a surgeon who said the x-ray wasn’t enough proof that there was something wrong and didn’t want to do anything drastic that possibly won’t help me. But I got the HIDA scan which confirmed that there was something wrong with my gallbladder and on my birthday (Horray horray. Legit though I was so happy) I was approved for surgery to get it removed. The surgeon cut my gallbladder open and found A LOT of small gallstones. He was kind of shocked. Over all of this... I lost probably 10lbs? max? Either way, enough to be concerning to me. Now I’m using this experience to get my parents to actually freaking listen to me when I say I’m having problems and that it needs addressed as quickly as possible and quit dragging your damn feet and believe ME.

Also from the surgery, they had to put a breathing tube down my throat. But something happened and has caused me to have chronic coughing fits where I couldn’t even breathe without coughing. And because of my phobia of throwing up, I didn’t want to eat so I started to restrict for a while. Lots of testing was done to figure out what was wrong there... I got an asthma test and it showed that I had a breathing abnormality but the ENT doctor the day before gave me steroids to help. Said it wouldn’t affect my asthma test the next day. It did. :) Had to wait until May to get retested and another test done. The steroids did help for a while... But getting to that point I had been seeing my regular doctor and he gave me a stronger cough medicine that gave me auditory hallucinations... That was terrifying. So I quit that. Was put on another cough medicine that had a controlled substance in it to suppress my cough. It helped... but not enough. In the end since I didn’t want to wait until May to get tested, my doctor got me an inhaler. It actually has helped a lot. I still cough, but it’s not to the gagging/can’t breathe point anymore. I was very scared and stressed and made my dad take me to get lots of tests. Even speech therapist. Due to the covid-19 threat though, I have been heavily isolating myself at home and my asthma test that I was supposed to get last month got canceled/put off to a later date. So I’m stuck paying for an inhaler at full price because insurance is a dick. Anyways that’s that...

In April, I got a puppy. I finally got a dog that I had been thinking about for months and praying for... His name is Echo and he is a yellow lab. The first couple weeks were absolute hell. He would get up at random hours of the night and needs constant supervision. He’s almost 4 months now, but he’s still very much a puppy. He knows sit, stand, down, looks at me if I call his name with a treat in my hand so he’s recognizing his name... And sometimes off when he will listen. I have plenty of bite marks on my hands and stuff xD I had to have an extreme learning curve on how to take care of him. He doesn’t have accidents in the house as much as before, he will usually indicate he needs to go potty by sniffing around and pacing or going to the door and looking at me like, ‘human. I must defecate.’ xD And he’s got quite the attitude. Which I don’t mind as long as he’s not ripping my clothes or biting me or jumping at me. Dad has stepped in to help me during the mornings take care of him since I’m not sleeping well. Which has helped me out a lot. He’s doubled in size already and I’m so happy with how he’s acting for the most part. The past couple days this past week we’ve learned how the hose works and how to have fun in it since it’s so hot outside. (Also learned I’m allergic to grass. Yay.) But there were several days where I was so stressed and scared that I couldn’t keep up with him and take care of him and I’d have to give him away... But I already invested so much money in him and time and have already fallen in love with him, I won’t give him up. Right now he’s sleeping under my desk as I write this post. Lots of the time though I have to force myself to pretend to be happy and praise him and play with him and teach him what to do and what not to... And it’s emotionally exhausting. Especially this past week.

I had a couple triggers the past two weeks. One was a possible fractured toe from jamming it super hard into the corner of my desk... Another I was woken to Echo making a horrific gagging noise that scared the shit out of me. Then I’ve been working with a grief counselor this past month in addition to regular therapy (obviously over video chat because of infection chances...) for extra support. Thankfully it’s pro bono so I don’t have to pay anything and neither does any of my insurances. But while working on a section in my WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) there was a part where I just started shutting down and falling apart. The Crisis Plan. “This is what I look like when I’m well:” That is where everything started falling apart. It has been like 7 months since I have felt well at all. I can identify what it looks like when things get too bad to handle on my own for the most part... but when I was asked about if my behavior endangers or has negative effects on me or others I want my supporters to... I locked up. I realized I do not really have anyone who I can go to for any sort of help. My therapist is the only one I can go to really about anything, but I can’t get the amount of help that I need from just her. She has told me that if there was no virus threat and that I was in a different city, she would recommend me to go to a mental health program there... That’s how bad I’ve gotten.

In December my suicidal thoughts have sprung back up and I have withdrawn slowly and then faster from everyone. My parents don’t know how to handle me when I’m dealing with emotional distress... They are not very knowledgeable about mental illnesses and are pretty cold to emotional reactions. Sometimes mean. I love them very much yes and I know they would do whatever they could to help me... but when I need support from them specifically, things just go downhill. And I no longer have people I consider friends online anymore. I don’t feel safe to call anyone that right now. A girl from my church who was also in the Bible study I was attending before covid hit has been trying to reach out to me. Her and another lady at church are the only ones really actually reaching out to me. My pastor only stepped back into the picture after I posted asking for prayer for me since I called the suicide hotline the night before. And the things he has said to me already have been rather infuriating. Which makes me feel resentful towards the church I’m attending. That and the fact that nobody else actually reaches out to me at all. I know life has been thrown upside down and many have their own families with small children and such... It just feels very two-faced sometimes. I know that’s my distorted thinking kicking in as well... But it’s there and nobody’s around to disprove it. I am very grateful for the one girl who has been trying hard to reach out to me and encourage and just be there, but I know she knows little about the world and the crap in it and has experienced much if it first hand so far. But God bless her she really does try and care. My therapist has talked with my pastor after I signed a release form for her to do so and my parents have also talked to him about me last week. I have yet to hear from him since then though. They are busy though I know trying to figure out how to deal with this covid crap and how to manage the church so people who can’t go physically can still be sort of included...But I just don’t know if I want to go for a while.

But yeah. While I have been dealing with the loss of my entire online friend group and then being harassed on facebook and only seeing horrible news about covid and people insulting different people and politicians and crap on there... I disabled it for a while. I posted that I was going to do that several hours before I did and told people to message me if they wanted to keep contact with me somehow... Maybe two people did. Granted I had only 69 people on my friends list and a good chunk were family members from the Philippines and don’t usually speak english... I do feel better about not being on it though. The first couple days when I woke up I’d automatically go to fb to look at my notifications and silly stories that I’d get recommended, but after that I felt complete relief. I did get into a bit of an argument about two weeks or so before I decided to do this with a childhood friend I had... She just irritated me... Making it sound like she shouldn’t be forced to stay in like people higher in risk of infection/death because she was healthy and yada yada... Not going to argue on here. I just realized fb is just a toxic social media outlet and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m especially glad I got off of it while I did before the rioting happened. I would rather not have my timeline flooded with it.

Oh yeah, we did get rioting here where I live. Actually 10min away from where I live. That was scary the first couple nights. First night I was home alone with Echo when it started going down while my parents were at work. Thankfully though, our mayor put in a curfew and my parents’ work was closed down at exactly 5pm for EVERYONE. Including employees. Dad had to work on barricading one entrance way in case of looting. Sent me pictures of what he had to do... it was surreal. Not only do we need to be afraid of covid but now hostile people. (Note: I do NOT condone what those police officers did. They are getting punished heavily I assume. If anything, we shouldn’t have been rioting but instead having a vigil in honor for the man killed. Protesting is fine too. But when it becomes violent... I don’t agree with it. That’s just me though. Anyways enough political crap. I don’t want to discuss it on here.) The past two nights the mayor put up a curfew again for two days but two hours later than before (8pm) just to be on the safe side. My parents’ work has gone back to normal hours today. I did go out yesterday to get some groceries and medicine I needed. My car’s A/C has died. That was two hours of hell.

But yeah...uhm... The depression has increased this past week. Actually... a couple weeks before that. I had a meltdown over Echo chewing through the wire of my drawing tablet... I had it still hooked up even though I can’t draw anymore (Long story... recent bunch of trauma related reasons) because of trauma and also lazy to get in the back of my computer to unplug it. And sort of hope that I might pick it back up again... But that destroyed me that night. I wasn’t mad at him for doing it. He’s a baby he doesn’t know anything. It was my fault for not paying attention and taking a bit more care with those wires. Dad was able to fix it though. But I can’t look at it. That same night I received a text from a friend I made in treatment that I love to death... Telling me that she had just got home from being hospitalized and then placed in a psych ward after trying to commit suicide. I think I broke then. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to process very much emotion... Sleep has become very bad... I fell asleep in my chair a few nights ago. Last week was the first time I’ve been able to have any sort of reaction to emotion aside from a heavy depression... I need a big trigger to happen so that I can finally release these emotions inside because it just won’t come, but I feel it waiting behind a thick glass wall in my head. I’ve even started watching movies and shows that would scare me normally and would avoid just from reading the premise or a trailer. I don’t really get much feeling from it (aside from the one night I watched the new Carrie movie and I had to take Echo out at night and it was foggy and very spooky).

I think I’ll leave this here now and be done for a bit... I’ve written quite a lot and I’m sure very few people know of it’s existence and will look. But at least I’ve finally gotten some of it out... somewhere... Hopefully Echo will let me take a nap in a little bit. I would like to talk about my eating disorder at some point and how I’ve been since I got out of the treatment facilities in 2018 and maybe some other things. Been watching a bunch of videos of different mental illnesses because I’ve been running into a lot of people with them and I want to be able to at least know what’s it about and how to be a better person towards them and also not offend anyone so nobody goes off on me again.

#trauma #ptsd #depression #suicide #triggers #surgery #puppy

2 notes · View notes

revol-lover · 4 years

Text

so last year a lady contacted me on facebook saying she was my cousin, and turns out, she was. she’s my cousin on my mom’s paternal side. I guess theres a whole bunch of us who descended from 4 brothers and this lady has been working for years to make like a huge family tree of us all! it’s fascinating and goes so far back. I even got to see a photo my great great grandfather!

who apparently was said to have clear blue eyes. It’s so interesting to learn these details. so she added me to the group and now my name, my husband and Julia and our photos are added to this massive family tree and they were supposed to be having a family reunion TODAY with everyone from the facebook group who could make it there (Azores).

Both my parents were born there, both immigrated to the United States. My mom came with her parents as a kid when she was 11. My dad came, as an adult, to marry his pen-pal aka my mom, when he was 25. It sounds romantic but it really wasn’t. My dad’s aunt and uncle lived in the US already and they knew my mom’s parents so it was kind of a blind-date/arrangement thing. So anyway though, as a result of that I’m a 1st-Gen American.

Because of covid the family reunion had to be cancelled. i wasn’t able to go anyway because it’s expensive to fly out there. we do have a place we could’ve stayed, my dad’s parents still own a home there that all of the family uses when they visit (it aint nothing fancy though. it’s got these giant cock roaches that are common in island climates but freaked my new-england-raised-ass OUT when I visited once as a kid lmao) so if it weren’t for a) money b) my passport needs to be updated and julia doesnt have one c) people drive craaaazy there and i would need my dad to come with us to help me not only get to the town but to drive and while he would 100% do that at the drop of a hat, it would’ve been quite the coordination. but mostly a) and b) is what held me back.

so i’m bummed i couldn’t go. and i probably wont be able to go next year when i think they’re rescheduling it to. but maybe someday i’ll be able to. and that really excites me because i love learning about my ancestry and i’ve always felt very connected to my roots because as a 1st generation american i was raised with more portuguese culture than american just by default.

my parents brought me to the islands when i was 13 and it was one of the best experiences of my life. i havent been able to go back since but i really want to some day. especially to show Julia where we come from. but kevin’s family on his dad’s side are also from Azores so I’d love for him to experience it too.

i can’t tell you how many times in my life i’ve thought about how slim the chance was of me being born in the usa was. like literally. it could have easily not happened. my grandparents were struggling and got the opportunity to come here on plane tickets that were bought with borrowed money. things were really bad in the islands when they left. but if for some reason that didn’t work out i’d probably have been born there. that boggles my mind.

anyway this is my mom’s town where the reunion would’ve taken place. this town is right on the coast.

and this is my dad’s town, where we’d stay if/when we visit someday, this town is inland.

i try not to romanticize it because i know that my grandparent’s left because of poverty but damn when the country they immigrated to is bursting at the seams and has donald trump for a president it’s hard not to sometimes wish things could’ve worked out differently. but then i would have a completely different life and it wasn’t meant to be that way but i digress.

i could write a whole book about what its like to grow up as a first generation american. you’re always a little more “american” and understanding of american culture than your parents but you’re also less “american” and understanding/exposed to american culture than your friends whose parents aren’t immigrants. the best friends i’ve ever had were ones whose parents were also immigrants, not even necessarily Portuguese ones. just cause there’s this mutual understanding of how you grew up differently and how can live in one country but feel way more connected to the culture of another if that makes sense.

#personal

1 note · View note