#I could talk on everything that was so from the isolation and the the fucking whatever whatever

[suempu]

How about a blind reader and thistle

Like thistle met them by accident and now they just keep them around because reader makes them happy

gn + human, mage reader + can be platonic or not

<3

first off all, he’s fucking confused cause how the hell did you even end up in the dungeon? thistle first finds out about your existence when you accidentally stumble upon him after his confrontation with laios’ party.

he immediately puts up his guard when he hears your footsteps before you gasp in surprise.

“hello! wow, i didn’t think there would be another person down this deep...” you smile, staff clicking on the stone tiles.

he’s taken aback before asking you questions warily, to which he finds out you had some sort of echolocation ability. you have no clue that he had a sour expression on his face, assuming he only had a gruff voice from the aggressive way he talks.

you normally go dungeon crawling with your party but decided to walk around while they recuperate on the floor above. honestly, how did you even survive? what kind of idiot decides to take a casual walk in a dungeon? on the floor the red dragon was, no less. thistle thinks. you were lucky you missed it.

the two of you sit after you’ve offered him some food and snacks from your pack. he tried to refuse but you just kept on insisting.

thistle is interested in the foggy look in your eyes, unabashedly staring at your face after finding out you couldn’t see him.

you both sit on the floor as you munch on your bread, occasionally asking him questions and making conversation.

after that night, he’s curious about your whereabouts and everything about you, oftentimes sending out a creature to spy observe you. its been a long time since he has found good company, and to be completely honest, he’s lonely.

thistle came to know that your party has disbanded after eavesdropping with his creatures, the members finding different jobs and passions.

to your surprise, he appears again while you’re out camping on the second floor. you smile once you realize its your mysterious friend, eagerly offering him soup he couldn’t taste and a space for sleeping which he didn’t need. but he thanks you nonetheless.

thistle finds peace around you, the only person he could call a companion after so many years of isolation. if he’s in a decent mood, he’ll bring out his lute to play tunes while you hum.

conversations with you are enjoyable, you both find a good harmony of back and forth, discussing various topics such as nature, magic, and his hobbies.

“you write poems? that’s amazing. read it to me sometime?”

“i’m not sure you’d like it. it’d probably make you cry.”

you smile assuredly. “i’m sure it’s great! don’t sell yourself short!”

“you’re facing the wrong way. i’m on your left.”

“oh!”

you two grow closer once he lets you touch his face. the curiosity of what he looked like came out in a question as you whisper it to him unsurely.

thistle is hesitant at first, but your amazed gasps and the gentle touches of your palm against his cheek made his heart ache. how long has it been since someone had held him? talked to him? how long has he went without the softness and comfort of another being?

you caress his eyelids, nose, and ears while smiling, committing the feeling of his face to your mind.

“you’re beautiful. thank you for trusting me enough to do that.”

“how do you know? that i’m beautiful.” he murmurs, looking at the floor in contempt.

“i can feel it.” with a hand on your chest, you tell him wholeheartedly.

thistle allows himself to laugh, reaching out to tilt your chin at his direction. “you’re looking the wrong way again.”

you pout, “well, i can’t look or see at all, mind you!”

#thistle x reader #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi x reader #delicious in dungeon x reader #dungeon meshi x reader #dunmeshi #thistle #thistle dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi thistle

[shirkers2018dirsanditan]

my luck is so bad it is legitimately just cruel. every day literally feels like i am being punished for every little decision i make. it’s almost hard to believe and yet somehow i’m too dumb to anticipate this…?

#i have previously been burned by usps coming an hour early and not picking up my packages #i woke up at 4:45 am this morning and got out the bed fr by 9. i knew i should have had my packages out as early as possible. #i want to get paid for the items im selling as soon as possible. i want to get a refund for my returns. #and i want these people to get their stuff #yesterday usps returned a package i had sent out to me so its already delayed #i was in the middle of packaging everything up when i noticed a package was delivered #i meant to check my email to see if they sent me that bullshit fucking email claiming to have picked up my packages when they didnt #but got distracted #so naturally. my dad leaves (the only person i could ask to drop packages off at the post office) and only then do i see that dumbass email #delivered an hour ago #i am so serious……..i cannot do this anymore #it is like this every single day #like okay. if the rest of my life is terrible. if i’m losing my mind from social isolation. if my parents quite honestly hate me. #if i have no future and no hope. #if the only interaction i can rely on is friendly coworkers and patrons at the library. #if i have to spend my days off with basically only myself and my dog to talk to. #can the little fucking things go my way? like…half of them? is that possible? #i’m not even asking to have a happy life i’m not asking to be loved i’m not asking to belong i’m not asking for a point to living #man i just want the tiniest of breaks. just. two days out the week? yeah? can i get my fucking packages sent out on time? l #can i get to work on time? with no stress? can i not look forward to eating a salad all day only for my dad to have eaten it? #can i have a normal menstrual cycle? can i stop having back pain? can i be a little comfortable? can i time my birth control correctly? #this is just so exhausting. how am i supposed to do this for years and years and years #my grandma is fucking 91 #my great grandma died at like 93 #i can’t even do another year of this man #i’m dreading my 25 birthday this september #i don’t know how i’m gonna make it to 30 #let alone anything after that #my parents are in their 60s………it’s a nightmare to have to think about living that long

[milo-is-rambling]

I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like. #what? am I missing something here? #my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know. #honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

[falled-over]

i got a ds as my christmas present a few years back with a copy of animal crossing (which is considered a bad version of the game btw) and something i keep coming back to is these little objectively somewhat pointless interactions like going for a coffee. you just go to the cafe, and buy a cup. you drink it, and you leave. i always say goodbye before i go. im trying to say thanks. i cant really see any practical reason for doing it, it is objectively just a money suck, but i love doing it. at first i thought the little bird who runs it might open up to me but he doesnt seem the type, but i still like him, so i go and visit him. it feels so real. like he remembers me but doesnt like talking about it. its such an incredibly special and intimate feeling. i wonder if other games at the time were able to cultivate this or if it was unique

#ive only really played modern games where everything has a reward. it was so nice to do something so close to reality #im sure there might be some in game reason to do it but i dont know. maybe you get energy or something #i dont really care. i felt like i was forming a connection emotionally. i wish we still valued that in games #its the only thing im really interested in. #if you have any game recommendations for the ds lmk actually. my sister got a 3ds this year #its funny. i wanted a gaming console so bad as a kid. specifically a ds or a wii #and we have them now! and i dont much care about them. and im kind of glad. im glad i was forced to do something else #i do not look down on gaming as a hobby at all but i am glad its a smaller one for me #i would also like to talk about a similar feeling i felt when i played subnautica (which they took off the gamepass before i could finish i #what the fuck man.) #they briefly put the sequel on so obvi i gave it a shot but i feel it was terrible in comparison #something uniquely insane about the first one is the feeling of isolation. the deep fear #you crash land on the planet and immediately all your communication off-planet is cut and it seems everyone perished in the crash #you spend a couple of hours getting situated and then the ships core explodes. a huge shock wave shakes the entire planet #standing on top of my pod and looking out at the mountain-sized wreck was an insane feeling of isolation. you have to experience it. #and then you start picking up signals on your little tablet. other escape pods. the signals from previous missions who came to do research #you travel out. find food. build things. the whole time working towards seeing if you can find the other pods #each one #empty #often containing a log of their last moments. usually eaten by something. you got lucky #you landed in the only area without a massive predator. #you find alien tech. learn about a disease that wiped out the planet. the entire time you are completely alone #its such a unique feeling. no npcs. no story you have to follow if you dont want to. but god is there not much else. you'll get around to i #discovering the alien species is horrifying and amazing #its an incredible game and i think its sense of loneliness is its greatest achievement. being truly alone on an uncaring planet #sitting there and watching the fish swim by #its unmatched. truly #i would actually love game recommendations if you have any. i love games with unique story lines or characters too #im much more into stories than gameplay #which totally goes against what i just said about subnautica in theory but not in practice

[strohller27]

.

#i need to be honest with myself too #it is damn scary leaving the security of my job and the house I’m in right now to try to make it living in Canada #but I have all of the credits I need for my master’s degree #so not only do I feel like I’ve worn out my welcome in the linguistics department here #I’ve started feeling kind of isolated from literally everything #i don’t know who to turn to for help because everybody’s already so busy #i don’t know what to do while I’m waiting around to apply to study at McGill university #i want to write an article and get it published because maybe that will set me apart from all the other people who are going to apply #but I don’t know what to write about. i don’t feel like anyone gives a flying fuck about Canadian dialects of English except me #what could I say about them that would get people to care?? #i want to talk about the construction of Canadian national identity; about Canadian Multiculturism and how it’s still quite hegemonic #why is so much of a national identity tied up to place? is that really what gives a group its identity? #I feel like places help to anchor shared experiences across time but do they really give a group their identity? #but why is that important? i don’t know!? why do I have to justify my entire existence?? #if I want funding for my research I have to prove to someone that what I have to say matters. what if it’s not that deep? #what if doing this research helps me to follow a dream I have? a dream that the american dream could never promise me? #what if I dream of living in a place where I don’t have to worry about giant medical bills? #what if I dream of living in a place where I don’t have to drive for 40 minutes to get to an ice rink? #what if I dream of being able to go to the beach and eat seafood that doesn’t cost 10000 dollars?? #what if I want to listen to bagpipes without being reminded of the redneck-ass piper who threatened to kill me because I’m queer? #or the old guys in the pipe band who basically sexually assaulted me? #what if I want to live in a place where I have room to spread out and not in someone’s storage room?? #what if I’m tired of being stuck in the same ‘safe’ place for as long as I have been?? ​what if I want my life to begin already????? #why should I have to justify that? just please let me out of here. let me see the world. let me live. #let me move on

[fleshdyke]

shdjdnbd

#ok so like. did any other neglected/ignored kids constantly wish for a tragedy to happen to you so you could finally get attention #like. my brother was always favoured at home and i was completely isolated at school and i had like no friends for most of my childhood #plus all the other abuse from my dad and everything #but like. i would constantly want something terrible to happen to me so i would finally get noticed #and people would finally talk about me #like i wanted to commit in like third grade bc i wanted ppl to go ‘oh she was so young’ #i wanted ppl to pity me #and typing it out it feels so shitty but like. i was just constantly wishing for something awful to happen to me #bc i was so so so fucking alone #i ran into traffic a couple times in middle school trying to get hit bc i would get attention if i got hit by a car #i never got hit mind you. i only ever got yelled at #but like. i wanted to be some super young kid bullied into suicide simply for the novelty of it. i wanted to be a victim of some freak #accident or some fucked up murder bc i wanted people to acknowledge that i was there #and i guess at that point i had tried everything to be noticed and none of it had ever workes #so i figured just dying would do the trick bc ppl always got talked about when they died #and then when i was in like sixth grade maybe i listened to the heathers soundtrack #and i saw the heathers’ attitude towards martha’s suicide attempt #and i remember getting so fucking panicked bc if that’s how high schoolers were towards suicide i would have to get it done before then #and i had maybe ten suicide attempts that year? with a lot of different methods #and i was a really reckless kid bc i just wanted something drastic to happen to me #i didnt care how bad it would be. i only wanted someone to acknowledge that i was ever there and that was the most important thing #and if i had to die horrifically to have that then so be it #idk. i just want to know if any other neglected and ignored kids were constantly wishing for something awful to happen to them #rambles #vent #suicide tw

[exospherethoughts]

This is getting so ridiculously meta. I got hit by a wave of "everything needs to be cleaned" this morning and didn't even bother trying to fight it this time, so I'm in the middle of doing laundry and washing the sheets, I've deep cleaned my bathroom, I did the dishes, washed some countertops, dusted a few things off, cleared out one corner of a shelf, and am currently resisting the need to deep clean my fridge. But I probably will when I'm done writing this, let's be real.

Once I started cleaning, my mind began to wander (it was already wandering but once I'm in the zone with some task then I get extra lost in my head and totally disconnect from the real world). And it started going down rabbit holes wondering if you were annoyed by how much I talked during our call this morning, questioning if you really wanted to talk to me or if you only agreed to avoid dealing with me pestering you about it, or if you really want to be close friends, or if I was too irritating, or if you wanted to leave the call earlier, and so on. But then I started thinking about how all of that stuff could be OCD-related intrusive thoughts (if I do actually have OCD), especially because I keep having these insanely strong urges to text you and ask all my questions because my mind thinks that having answers and certainty will relieve the anxiety, but I (try to) stop myself because I used to do that with my ex all the time and it was awful for him, and because it's unfair to you, and because I know that it won't help in the long run because no matter how often I get reassurance, the thoughts always creep back in soon after. They don't listen to logic. It's exhausting.

And then that got me thinking about if I really have OCD or not, and I started playing out hypothetical scenarios in my head of how I'll bring it up with my therapist when I see her this week, but then I started thinking that I'm acronym-hunting and that I don't actually have OCD and that I need to chill out with trying to slap so many labels on myself because there's no way I have so many different ones, but that made me think about my need to organize everything. Literally everything.

I'm constantly anxious and the only way my brain thinks I can escape it is to have everything lined up and in boxes and neat and clean and organized. The only way I can be calm in my room is for it to be extremely clean and to have minimal clutter-- so I get these episodes of over-cleaning and getting rid of a bunch of my belongings. The only way I can be calm in my own body is for it to be clean and feel "right"-- so I find myself needing to shower and scrub my skin and hair until it hurts and pick at my face and wear clean comfortable clothing. Every time I look at or think about my photo library on my phone, I start to get anxious because the photos aren't all in categorized albums, there's photos that I don't need or want and should be deleted to clean out clutter, but there's 12,000+ photos so I haven't ever gotten through all of them when I start to categorize them and clear them out. If I go to my music library or even just think about it, I start to get anxious, because not all my music is in proper playlists, and the playlists I do have are incomplete, and I don't have a playlist for every mood and category that I want, and my music library contains music I don't really listen to that I should get rid of, and so I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to organize it but never finish because there is *so much to do* to complete it and so I'm always anxious about my music library. Not everything in my room has a proper place for it to go and it drives me up the wall, I get panic attacks just looking around my room sometimes, and I've never managed to declutter enough to make it stop. I get anxious about forgetting things and start worrying about my memory and how little I know and how stupid I am and then want to make lists of things I know or learn and have neat little categorized places for all of it. I get urges to organize everything into extremely rigid routines: what I eat (I want to make lists of possible dinners and smoothies and snacks so that I have to choose from those lists), how I feel (I track my feelings in an app several times a day and often end up doubting if I'm accurately recording my emotions and then go into a spiral about that), my files on my computer (declutter and categorize!!!), even my memories (I keep wanting to journal about absolutely every detail of every day so I don't forget anything but ultimately the depression wins over and I don't have the energy to do it, but then I fall into spirals of panic about losing time and forgetting memories). If what I'm wearing doesn't feel right then I need to keep changing until it does, otherwise I feel anxious all day, and there's zero logic behind what is "right" every day, it keeps changing without rhyme or reason.

What I've read about OCD says that a lot of it is rooted in the fundamental need for certainty, despite everything in life being uncertain, and that set off alarms in my head because my psychiatrist specifically tried to lecture me about how everything in life is uncertain after I explained the symptoms that made me think I might have OCD. Like yes, I know logically I cannot be certain about things, but my brain doesn't care about the logic! It makes me anxious and panicky anyways! I know a lot of the actions/behaviours I'm engaging in are irrational or won't, by any form of logic, actually fix anything I worry about or fixate on, but I feel the need to do them anyways, and it is breaking me because I am a logical person and it makes no bloody sense. It's like my mind desperately needs to get rid of uncertainty and it won't listen to any logic. And that's where it gets really meta: I even want to find certainty about myself. I don't really know who I am or how people perceive me, so I go into these huge spirals about my identity and how I come across in social settings, and that makes me extremely anxious, so then I have urges to ask people questions about me or say leading comments (like asking what vibes I give off, making jokes with leading content to try and fish for information from people about their perception of me, asking people what their first impressions of me were, asking how much of an open book I seem to be, asking about quirks they've noticed, etc etc etc). Whenever I get hyperfixated on my identity and behaviour, I have this intense need to figure out every detail about myself and want to do long questionnaires or make lists of information about myself like a clinical autobiography or write down things I know or make lists of habits and quirks I notice I have, etc etc etc. And along with that, I keep getting urges to figure out how my brain works, and the only way to alleviate the anxiety is to go down research rabbit holes about different mental illnesses and question whether my diagnoses are correct or if they missed something or misdiagnosed something and then I think I shouldn't ask about OCD because it's just me getting way too hyperfixated on figuring out myself, but that behaviour in and of itself is something people with OCD sometimes do! It's meta and it's turned into this positive feedback loop that is just making me more and more anxious and my brain will not shut up.

Time to go clean more stuff so I can breathe just a little bit easier. I'm so ashamed of how my mind works, I feel like I'm crazy and irrational and whiny and I'm pretty much 100% certain there is no way anybody will ever be able to love me for the mess I am. I'll always have to filter out the majority of what happens in my head, I'll always have to force myself to talk less about things I care about or enjoy, I'll always have to lie about how I'm doing, I'll always have to hold back parts of me. I don't know how to change things that are so fundamentally part of me, I've been trying to my entire life without much success, and it kills me. I wish I could flip a switch and just be sane and likeable enough to find one person who I can be fully honest and open with, who I also like and trust. But that's never going to happen, not as long as I'm me.

#i'm so fucking tired #i want a break from my mind #i want to feel less alone #but no matter who i'm with or what i open up about #i always still feel alone #i can never quite convey what i'm thinking or feeling #it's so isolating #sounds like the corny “omg i'm so misunderstood” bullshit #but it really does feel like people don't ever quite understand me #idk how to fix that #i don't even understand myself most of the time #that's why my brain gets so loud #always questioning everything #i wish i could talk to you about this #but alas you also would not understand #and i don't want to burden you

[lesbianraskolnikov]

I will read more books i promise though i cannot say if id talk as much as i do this.

#Many a media i will enjoy but not do all. This with #Im not sure if i can have more than one major one at a time but we shall see. #Floyd.txt #Im trying to get thru what i have...at the moment.... #I do think the length of it fueled it a bit. A little. We spend so much time with this freak and see so much into his mind #And he intrigues and fascinates me so so much psychological stuff is so ohh ohhh ohh god #I could talk on everything that was so from the isolation and the the fucking whatever whatever #I have to wonder whats base level and what isnt i dont look around. Because i will see something stupid and talk about it too long. #Most of all hes so pathetic and sad and failguy and i see so much of my struggles in him i can't help but want to squeeze him tight like a #Teddy bearrrrr i wont overshare but man it was a little crazy to see some elements like WOAH okay. Cool. I understand him #Like no one fucking else. Thats a little unironic but i swear to god some stuff i could totally go oh yeah this is xyz and someone else wil #Just..ugh whatever IM SHUTTING UP NOW IM SHUTTING UP. THERES REASONS I WILL HAVE CERTAIN IDEAS ABOUT HIM IM JUST SAYING. BUDDY... #So many reasons it makes me mad when people see him as a cold heartless monster but ultimately did you fucking read the book at all im seri #THE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT HE FELT NO GUILT OTL WHAT??? WHAT??? WHAT????????? #WHAT????

[twrambling]

.

This year is an election year for Venezuela ,,,, and I can't help but feel like something is gonna go wrong again

#Meitoswords #I don't like to talk about the situation in Venezuela too much #Most people in the country have started doing their own shit while the government makes everything worst #But damm I really have a bad feeling for this year's “election” #I am desperate for things to get better tho #The more were stuck in this situation with this government the longer it will take us to rebuilt ourselves #Like even if the “”bad guys“” (we know who) get “defeated” the effects are ever lasting #The only way to end this is sanctions or killing we know who/j #Well only half jk #Tbh sanctions are sorta shit. I do think they were implemented thinking of the best case scenario but they've only left us more isolated an #Fucked venezuelans over even more #Without touching the government #I wish I could explain what it feels like for your country to be so isolated but I can't #It's weird idk #It feels like I'm talking about a completely different univers to everyone else #I must keep my hope up but #I'm scared #Even when I've spent most of my life outside from the country I'm scared #Idk why I'm posting this not like this is gonna help lol #We'll see #Vent

[medicinemane]

.

#I'm having to choose my words carefully and not just come out and say what I want to #because at the moment I just feel like being spiteful; but I know I'll regret it #sometimes I'll talk about wanting to delete my tumblr #and some well meaning person will be like 'it's ok to take a break from social media' #and it's like you're carrying but you're also completely incapable of reading the room #this isn't something about wanting a break from my main source of company #this is about people around me doing things that are hurtful and me wanting to hurt them back #it's about spontaneously removing myself from their life; probably saying why; and giving no recourse #it's about making people feel consequences for their actions #(and you may say why not deal with this in a healthy fashion?) #(and the answer is because when I tell people they've hurt me I'm met with dead air) #(they probably just don't know what to say or even missed the message; but that's why that doesn't work) #but the problem is that while maybe in this moment I want to make people hurt like they hurt me #even in the time I'm writing this I'm hitting the point where I don't want them to hurt #so I'd regret deleting; regret losing everything; regret hurting people #I don't need a break; I just wish people would work with me literally ever #I try to explain what I'm asking for; I try to say when I'm hurt even though that's very hard for me #and... and it's never rewarded; which hurts more and makes me want to isolate more #I want to hurt people back because I want to go 'this is what you're fucking doing' #'so now you know what you're doing could you possibly stop?' #anyway; all these feelings were made worse by my mom sneezing #which sounds crazy but like... it hurts so bad listening to it cause of the past I hit my head for the first time in a while #just wish that fucking anybody would treat me with any respect or like they care #wish I even occasionally came first instead of existing to serve everyone around me #love doing what I can for people but... I don't know... #I do truly doubt I'll even be missed when I eventually kill myself #a couple people will feel bad for a bit; but they'll be relieved long term #and they'll find I'm just as replaceable as I've said #... filled with an urge to make a post that's just like 'anyway fuck you all' after this... but I won't #mm tag so i can find things later

[pteridiumaquilinum]

oh. i guess im angry.

#i was so hurt! and scared! and frantic! #and i had no one to catch me! #i had to be so fucking strong and carry on like i was the same person #i isolated from everyone and everything #and convinced myself i could still succeed #i tried to fucking kill myself by sleeping in the snow! #i walked onto the fucking lake until ben came to the front and yelled at me asking me wtf i was doing #he hurt me so fucking bad! he stole my life from me! #i drank and drank and drank until my body couldnt take it #and sam and lup say they remember the good parts. #what about the bad??? what about the fucking bad??? #realizing that this suffering is private and no one will ever be able to know all of it and feel how much it fucking hurts #i am going insane he stole so much from me #he killed rose!!! #him and dove killed rose!!! #and left me to handle everything!! #krav talks about how he took such good care #and he did but i just couldnt let go enough to rest and i drove us into the ground #memory archive

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #why are people so bad at communicating like bro respect my fucking time please #if you tell me half an hour don't make me wait an hour and a half istg I'll fucking kill you with my bare hands #you can't disappear for an hour right after committing to hang out and then be like “oh sorry I got busy” BITCH LET ME KNOW THEN #I literally won't mind if something comes up but you have to fucking tell me you can't just disappear for an hour and then be like sorry #and then you fucking do it again. like. cool I try to be a nice person but if you can't do basic communication then I'm leaving #I would genuinely rather be alone then put up with someone I dislike. I will pick isolation over a shitty person every time #I'm not so desperate that I need you. I'm not so desperate that you can put me on hold whenever you want. #ugh ugh ugh like. basic consideration for others hello? like. if I'm sitting with my phone in my hands waiting for you to message me #that's my time your wasting. that's my evening your sitting on. I could be talking to friends. watching a movie. playing video games. #instead I'm spending it getting ghosted because your communication skills fucking suck ass and you don't give a shit about my schedule #I'm genuinely so pissed. I don't give a shit how sorry you are. don't be sorry be better. act differently if you really realize you need to #best advice I can give. don't forgive anyone. if they change. accept that they've changed. #but forgiveness gets taught as something to be given regardless of whether they've changed or not. they say sorry and you say I forgive you #bullshit- they say sorry and you say “prove it. become a better person. learn from your mistakes. don't repeat the hurt you've caused” #you don't need my forgiveness. it only justifies your actions. I won't forgive. I'll accept the change you show me your capable of. #no one deserves your forgiveness. no one deserves your love. no one is entitled to you just because they perform the emotions correctly #relationship is earned. trust is proven. time is given. if your motives and actions do not match up then you can go get fucked. #ugh I'm still burnt out from visiting family I'm so fucking tired and angry at everyone and everything I hate being emotionally unstable #fun fact I even get clumsy when I'm like this. being emotionally unstable fucks me up physically too. I have to hold things with both hands #and I lose my balance a lot more. I'm just so physically exhausted. I hate being this way I hate being this way I hate being this way #so glad I backed out of the family reunion though. that would have genuinely put me in such a bad place. #only two more days of work and I'm free though. then we're moving which is gonna be more stress but better than family stress #work was getting boring and annoying and I'm glad to be done with it. maybe one day I'll be able to hold down a job for more than six month #excuse me while I go listen to Maretu at high volumes to vent my rage

[buckyalpine]

Imagine jealous!sharon want to get you out of the way so she can be with Bucky…

She hurts you (even it’s like a bruise) and Bucky begins to be so protective of you 🥺🥵

ABSOLUTELY.

I'm imaging this with a soft sweet reader and fuckboi Bucky. Hear me out, okay.

He's not looking for a relationship at all, finally feeling a sense of freedom after getting a bit of himself back. He's so flirty with everyone, so charming, he knows he can get whoever he wants.

He fucks.

A lot.

Sharon eats it up, loving the smirks he gives her, his playful baby blue eyes always sparkling. She loves the naughty way he bites his lip and don't even get her started on how gorgeous he is when he works out shirtless. His Brooklyn accent comes out when he calls her darlin' and it makes her weak in the knees.

There's just one issue.

The looks he gives Sharon aren't special. She's not the only one he calls darlin', even the old lady at the coffee shop shares the same pet name. Bucky can't help the little smirks he tosses around to others, flirty compliments naturally falling from his lips. He's a bit of a heart breaker but it's who he is.

That's just Bucky.

That's Bucky with everyone else.

Then there's Bucky with you.

The quite lab assistant who worked at the compound.

He didn't have it in him to playfully flirt with you when you asked about his day. He actually liked talking to you, finding any excuse under the sun to keep the conversation going, poking at the little nick knacks you have on your desk so he doesn't have to leave so quickly.

Sharon hates the way he looks at you. Whenever he's around you, he looks at you with puppy eyes as if he's wondering how someone so sweet could possibly exist. She catches onto the way he's not the same with you as he is with others. He's called everyone in passing darlin' with a drawl of his voice but you're his doll. He's never used that with anyone else. That's reserved just for you.

She can't stand it.

At first she tries to pick you apart in subtle ways' maybe you'd finally realize you had no business talking to someone like Bucky.

"You're so pretty even though you wear glasses"

"Don't worry, that dress would still look good on your body type, its meant to suit everyone"

"I wish I was as brave as you to wear that! I'd love to have that much confidence but I could never"

She smiled sweetly while you pulled your lab coat closer together, clutching it tightly in your hand. Your heart sank to your stomach. You'd worn one of your favorite dresses, one many others had always said you looked perfect in but some how Sharon made you doubt that, despite her sugary smile.

Then she took it a step further to make sure you were more isolated, insisting you'd be uninterested in plans when the team wanted to go out. Purposely giving you extra work when they had drinks together. Anything to keep you sad and holed away in your lab while she kept Bucky all to herself.

She'd do anything to get rid of you.

She was almost certain everything was going accordingly to plan, inching closer and closer to Bucky during a movie night until she was pressed against him, sharing his blanket. Not that Bucky noticed since he was more distracted over the fact that Sam was also squished against him on the other side of the small couch. Sam was also buried under the now too hot blanket, his deep snores irrupting the movie having fell asleep on Bucky's shoulder.

"Damn bird brain" Bucky huffed, ignoring the fact that he pushed Sharon off while reluctantly adjusting himself so Sam's head wouldn't slip, shaking his head when Sam grumbled, trying to snuggle into Bucky more.

"Bet you wish that was y/n, huh" Tony wiggled his eyebrows and much to Sharon's distain, Bucky blushed. Not did he deny it.

It didn't matter though. She'd find a way to get Bucky's attention, it wasn't like you were real competition anyways. She figured you'd have the sense to like someone better suited for you, someone in your league, definitely not the very handsome Sergeant.

That was until she found out you had a crush on the super soldier yourself. You'd let it slip out during a conversation with Nat, not realizing there was someone near the lab. Sharon didn't think you actually had a chance with Bucky but it didn't matter.

At this point she didn't care about what it took.

She was sick of the way Bucky was soft over you.

So she took a more direct approach.

"Y'know, I heard someone has a little crush on a certain super soldier" Sharon smirked, wandering to your table, tinkering with one of your tools while you looked at her like a deer caught in head lights.

How did she know?!"

"I-I don't-

"Oh please y/n, everyone knows" the blonde rolled her eyes at your gaping mouth before continuing, "I just thought I should let you know that he's not interested"

You felt like you had been punched in the stomach, the hurt expression on your face made her satisfied,.

"Oh" Was all you mustered out, embarrassed beyond belief while she shrugged. You blinked back tears while Sharon squeezed your shoulder out of faux concern, handing you a tissue.

"I'm so sorry, honestly I just thought you should know because he likes me. And I like him. So it would be best for you to move on, because were seeing each other" It didn't matter if it was a lie because she intended on making it real soon enough.

From that day, you avoided everyone in the compound like the plague, throwing yourself into work, feeling ridiculous for having even thought of Bucky that way. Of course he'd never go for someone like you, you should've known that from the start.

Sharon's plan was short lived after she overheard Bucky worriedly asking Tony about where you'd been all week since he hadn't seen you. After some endless teasing, Tony reassured him you were fine and just busy with lab work, not knowing the true reason as to why you'd overloaded yourself.

Sharon despised the pink that decorated Bucky's cheeks whenever someone said your name.

She hated that she'd seen him walking by the lab hallway in search of you.

She'd do anything to end all of this.

Including hurt you.

-

You made your way down to the gym hoping to sweat some of your unrequited feelings away, putting on your headphones before hopping on the treadmill. Sharon walked in moments later, blonde hair pulled into a sleek ponytail, her toned body on full display in nothing but a sports bra and some tiny shorts.

You felt even worse.

You tried to stay hidden, deciding 15 minutes would be enough, though your escape was cut short with Sharon caught your arm just as you were about to leave.

"How about we spar for a bit" She smiled sweetly, giggling at your confused expression. You'd never sparred in your life, in fact this was probably the third time you'd even used the gym the entire time you'd lived at the compound.

"Sharon, I-I don't think that's a good idea, I've never-

She cut you off, dragging you to the mat, practically shoving you to the middle with more force than necessary.

"It's fine! I mean, it's good for you to learn since you work here n'all C'mon, I'll help you and show you what to do" Before you could say anything, Sharon had flipped you onto the mat, twisting your arm behind your back without warning. You gasped in pain as she gripped harder, pulling further up your back until she heard your joints crack.

"Let-let go" You winced out, confused over what part of sparring this was, your body hitting the floor when she released her grip.

"Ops" Sharon pouted with faux innocence, taking a long sip from her water while you hissed in pain, seeing the formation of a bruise already forming on your arm.

"SHARON"

Sharon squeaked in surprised at the loud voice that boomed through the gym, bouncing off the walls. Her eyes shot up to see a very angry super solder making his way over to the mat, eyes darkening as they landed to your injured form on the ground.

"What the fuck did you do?!"

"Bucky, we were just-

"Don't" Bucky growled through gritted teeth, rushing over to your side, and slipping his arm around your waist.

"Angel, are you okay?" He cupped your cheek, helping you to your feet and taking your hand in his, examining it with the utmost care. "Are you hurt anywhere?"

"M'all right" You nodded, your face heating up under his gaze, still a little shaken, your body trembling.

"How the fuck could you hurt her" Bucky spat, his metal hand clenched to his side, itching to punch Sharon in the jaw, having seen what she had just done but he didn't want to deal with the mess that would come afterwards. "The hell did you do that for"

"Excuse me? I was just showing her how to-"

Bucky's jaw clenched, instantly shutting her up. He refused to let go of you, keeping you firmly tucked into his side, growing unbelievably protective over you.

"Fine, go ahead, I'm sure she's different from all your other little side pieces" Sharon scoffed, smirking at the way your face fell. Bucky felt like he'd been hit in the chest; you were far more than any of his hook ups and he'd never considered treating you that way.

"You. Don't. Touch. Her" He glared her at before walking off with you. After the incident, Bucky insisted you go to the doctors to get checked over, waiting outside of the room like a kicked puppy. He couldn't help but feel guilty that all this had happened because of him. He also wondered that you thought.

Did you think he'd just use you for one night?

He would never.

He knew he wasn't into dating. He gave up on the dream of getting married, having kids, all that years ago. But that was before he met you. Ever since you'd thrown him a shy smile along with the softest hello Sergeant Barnes, Bucky had been a goner.

If his feelings were was bad before, it was even worse now.

You were told to ice your arm for the pain and swelling. Bucky had swept you away right to the kitchen, despite you telling him you'd be fine, plopping you onto the kitchen island wrapping an ice pack in a towel. He held it to your arm, frowning at the way you refused to look at him, your face downcast to the floor.

"Doll?" Bucky wrapped his arms around you for a comforting hug, wondering if the altercating with Sharon was still upsetting you, "Are you okay sweets? I missed you, haven't seen you in ages"

"I-I'm fine, I'm sorry" You pulled away from his arms, remembering Sharon's words from earlier, instantly missing the warmth of his body. "I know you don't feel the same way Bucky" You bit your lip to keep it from trembling.

Bucky blinked in confusion, having no idea what you were talking about. What did he not feel the same way over.

"What do you mean y/n"

"I mean I like you-but I know you don't like me that way so I kept myself busy so I wouldn't bother you because Sharon said-

"Wait, slow down, what did Sharon say"

You sighed before recounting all the things that had lead to this moment, Sharon insulting you, then telling you to back off, to straight up fighting you.

"Oh doll" Bucky shook his head, feeling worse over what had happened but over the moon over your confessed feelings, "She's right you know," He teased at the pout that made it's way to your lips before playfully pecking them, catching you by surprise.

"I don't do relationships. Certainly never had before. That was before I met the sweetest thing in the world and she's had my heart since" Bucky whispered, his hands, one warm, one cool cupping your cheeks, "She has me dreamin' of sayin' I do and that white picket fence, a ring on her finger, a pretty little baby bump with flowers on the window sill. Maybe a baby boy n' a baby girl. Maybe even a cat. She's the cutest little lab assistance and I'd love for her to be my girl, sweets"

Bucky held your face in his hands, his thumbs caressing over your warm cheeks while you grew bashfully shy, burying your face into his chest instead, making him chuckle.

"I didn't think you were the relationship type" You shrugged, toying with his dog tags, "I'm not you're darlin' Bucky"

"That's cause you're my doll" Bucky tilted your face up making you look up at him, his lips pressing the softest kiss to your nose and then your lips. "My one and only doll"

#bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes fluff #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x f!reader #bucky barnes angst #bucky angst #bucky fanfic #bucky x you #james bucky buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes fan fic #bucky barnes fanmix #bucky barnes fan fiction #bucky fan fics #bucky fan fic #bucky fan fiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel fanfics #protective bucky barnes #bucky barnes x f reader #bucky #soft bucky #sharon carter

[spectrumgarden]

I know I'm shouting into the void with this one but like. Genuinely so many low support needs people dont understand what it's like having even medium support needs. Like I am entirely dependent on other people for many of my needs. I can not see a doctor without someone else scheduling the appointment, taking me there and doing a large amount of the communication for me.

If my caretaker had not been accepting of me being trans and invested hundreds of hours into psych appointments and taking me to my endocrinologist and doing all the paperwork involved with my name change and literally taking a week off work to stay with me in the hospital for surgery etc i would have just like. Never transitioned. My ability to transition was entirely dependent on a singular person and that's what a lot of other parts of my life are like as well. and that's fucking terrifying and a great way to be neglected and abused in ways that are horribly hard to get away from.

I dont drive, I dont work, I struggle to leave the house at all, I dont fucking communicate with people majority of the time. The things that are hard for you? I probably can not do them to begin with. No one in my family lives even close to a comparable life to me. None of my irl friends do. I'm incredibly isolated.

And then I go online and see people rant about how easy MSN and HSN people have it because we just get everything we need and how because people can tell we are disabled everything is so easy because none of you even manage to listen to us talk about the neglect and abuse and trauma we face/d. I see people angry at their (more) disabled siblings for getting care they need to survive instead of mad at society for creating a system where its incredibly hard for families to take care of both a higher support needs child and another child.

And I see people who live completely independent lives who work and drive and make their own doctors appointments and grocery shop and travel by themselves call themselves MSN (I could go on a rant about how that's also often the fault of LSN influencers for not leaving a lot of room in their own community for legitimate struggle but that's for another day).

I just want my needs met. I want to be able to decide where I live. I want choice in my care. I want to be able to have community with those like me. I want others to realize I exist and leave the words i have to describe my existence alone. I want others to listen to what I have to say about what my life is like.

#autistic adult #actually autistic #autistic community #medium support needs #actually disabled #semiverbal autistic #semi verbal #support needs

[yawn-emoji]

#confiding in friends is good and helpful and healing until it becomes burdensome when u r in situations where nobody can give u advice #or comfort and all they can tell u are things u already know urself so u feel like a burden sharing things and stressing ppl out #by having them worry abt u w out being able to do anything abt it or offer u actual comfort in any way… :( #dont get me wrong im incredibly grateful for my friends but like if my dad is actively dying from cancer as we speak there is nothing u can #possibly say to help so all i do by sharing is make ppl feel pressured to comfort me even though there is no comfort to be given at all #ik u love me and ik i deserve a break from the difficult things life has been throwing at me for the last yr. ik those things already #and it almost hurts to hear them said again because like. ik those things are true and i wish they brought me comfort but they dont. nothing #brings me comfort. nothing at all #i feel like these feelings resurface every couple months and i start isolating myself from my friends whenever this happens because i feel #so like. burdensome but also unable to accept words of comfort or sympathize w anything that anyone else is going thru. i stop liking #conversing w my friends and i just feel too drained to talk to anyone because all that is on my mind is death #i had to delete a bunch of social media + messaging apps from my phone / mute conversations + turn dnd on constantly because i just. i just. #i literally just cant and i wish i could and i dont feel guilty for needing to take this space because i am familiar w this being one of my #needs and also ik i am going thru something insanely traumatic atm and like nobody can judge me or make me feel guilty for what my needs are #at the moment. i used to feel guilty abt this but tbh i dont even have the energy anymore. this is just how i am #like i dont even have the ability to explain to people what the situation is or how dire it is. my sister and i are sure that this is it #but even if this isnt it it will only be a matter of time. he hasnt responded well to a single treatment and we have exhausted everything #so now its just a waiting game. if it doesnt happen in a few months it will just happen a few months after that. there is no battle to even #fight anymore. this is just it #fuck. oh my god #there was more i wanted to say but i started thinking abt it and i feel like im going to have a panic attack so never mind. ummm #okay… anyways! #woozi eating lettuce dot gif #journal

[milo-is-rambling]

My dog is a pretty good tell for my moms mental health. He has a bone in his bed and he has decided to fully ignore it (weird for him) and instead to lay under two blankets and I lifted the blanket to let him lick a bowl of Mac and cheese I had finished (which he loves and usually the sound of a spoon scraping the bottom of a plate gets his attention and he comes running over) and he sniffed it and then started retreating further into the blankets until I put them back down and mom had a rough morning and is now depression showering and singing sad songs while crying so like :/ I wish I could help both of them. I want my mom and my dog back to normal but that's not gonna happen unless my dad magically comes back from the dead

#it feels weird to be around someone who wants to share their grief with me bc I grieve completely in private #and like it's especially weird bc I was almost raised to do that or like I was raised to independently deal with all feelings and now my mom #wants to be sad with me but also feels guilty about being sad around me #it just makes me realize just how much emotion internalizing came from my father and not my mother #i mean I knew he didn't outwardly feel his emotions but I thought mom was the same way #and now I'm wondering how often she hid her emotions from him becusde he didn't deal with his shit either. #idk. weird to think of your parents as people always but especially when there is only one parent in the picture anymore #i almost feel guilty for still picking apart their relationship or the ways they interacted cause it feels like somehow I'm going to hurt my #moms feelings somehow by merely *thinking* about their relationship #that feeling of guilt for thinking critically of a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore #idk. maybe I just feel guilty over everything always but like :// I wish I could fix that #but grief for me is very much a private affair and im not quite sure how im gonna deal with it when my brother comes home from college #cause he and mom are both very emotional and he tends to share it and they're probably going to talk about him and im going to isolate more #cause I don't want to talk about him at all I simply want to hide in my room #and I am crying now thinking about it cause emotions are hard and im pmsing so my eyes are leaking but like fuck man this sucks massiveballs