#I cant tell you how many times I told myself 'make it darker... ok make it darker again... no still needs to be darker'

[jackobbit]

"You've taken so many risks... so many things could have gone wrong along the way, and you changed so much... Do you regret any of it?"

"No."

A little spooky doodle of KC from Magma :]

[ID: A digitally drawn image of KillCode from the Working for E.V.I.L. AU sitting slightly hunched in a dark room, they have one hand on their shoulder while their other hand rests on a raised surface. KC sits with their legs crossed, looking directly at the viewer as large cables stem from his back and travel upwards towards the ceiling. The background consists of grey walls and a bright red light that emanates from a machine with a red screen behind KC. KC is an animatronic with a circular head, small red eyes and a large grin. She wears a long blue nightcap covered in silver stars and puffy pants that match, she blades adorning her forearms and does not wear a shirt. /End ID]

#tsams killcode #sams killcode #the sun and moon show killcode #tsams au #my art #working for e.v.i.l. au #working for e.v.i.l. killcode #didnt turn out quite as spooky as i had hoped but hey its always worth a shot! #I cant tell you how many times I told myself 'make it darker... ok make it darker again... no still needs to be darker' #im very rusty when it comes to shading and lighting and stuff #hopefully ill be able to get back into the swing of it soon enough

[msallurea]

The Blessing of No Longer Relasping

TW: very vulnerable, includes discussion of dr*gs, su1c1de, s3lf h4rm, etc

Today I woke up and everything was going fine until my morning was ruined because I couldn't find my key on my purse which is where I always put it. This pissed me completely off for 3 main reasons:

1. I hate hearing my mom fuss and give me the irresponsibility speech

2. I ALWAYS am 99.9% aware of where my things are and if not then it's placed in the last place I know I put it at which I didn't see it at

3. My siblings are the reason I know my key wasn't there

How my set my personal belongings I try putting it in a way where it can't be touched, unfourtanetly my siblings always find a way to ruin that which is why I've been dying for my own fucking room. This weekend they had continuously kept dropping mythings and at some point I got tired of it and told them they need to pick up my things themselves, this alone pissed me off even more because when I checked my things stuff was still on the floor that was for me. As I was trying to find my key this morning mind you I have to be at school at a certain time as well I couldn't even find it and when I asked my siblings to help me because I know in my gut they're the reason why it wasn't there, for one they were barely looking and secondly they sat up there looking in the places I knew it wasn't at..(my little sister for example sees me looking in my purse and sits up there walk towards me trying to look in my purse to see if it's there I MEAN WTF BRO😑🤬)

So now I'm sitting in class trying to figure out how I'm about to tell my mom I don't have my key without telling her and play it off. Honestly this whole thing upsets me and really sets me off causing me stress. I had came to school ans my thoughts were pretty rampant but after a long while eventually I calm down...well at least my thoughts weren't so rampant. Normally I would've tried doing something to harm myself or fill my mind up with the many MANY ways I would've wanted to either get revenge or harm myself or 0verd0se of dr*gs just to feel better especially because I'm holding back a ton of tears right now. This is sensitive and so stressful for me because I do have OCD and I'm prone to high levels of stress especially especially when I become compulsive.

This time around I didn't do anything out of character. I didn't plunge myself up in a dark place and drown myself in my own rage and impulse shoving myself down with anything harmful i could find just to feel better like I normally would've done. The worst part is with all this I was gonna blame myself for even allowing this entire situation to happen this way. I say all this to say to anyone who does have issues with relapsing and going back to there old self h4rming tendencies that it is ok...you don't have to be a slave to your darker traits. It's a blessing I didn't drown myself in my compulsive nature and self aimed harm. Just like for those who have been going strong on sobriety and are recovering from your own self h4rm tendencies I want you to know I'm so proud of you..that's something I wish I could hear in times like this where the world we live in currently quite literally anything could trigger me and people like me.

To those who are still here holding strong just know we both made it this far and we're gonna make it even farther..to those who are on their verge of end and feel they are ready to clock out and unsubcribe from what feels like hell right now...I cant control your choices and decisions but if you have any little feeling left at all in you please understand that you don't have to be a slave to yourself anymore. I know you wanna let it all go and not deal with any of these things anymore, but know there is always a choice even when you can't see them. You always have a choice to finally take control even if it seems like you can't. Take it from me when I say that it is out of our control to see how others will do us and the circumstances we go through but it is in our control how we handle them and how we choose to let them affect us. To those who feel like no one ever listens know that you're always being heard..from someone much higher than any of us, who you believe that to be is your choice. There's a reason you're still here even if you can't see it yet or even understand, you're not gonna understand now but you will one day which makes this all the more valuable.

You are loved, you are safe, you're protected, you ARE enough and always will be..

#msallurea #self love #self growth

[redrabbitspod]

Ok,, so I have kinda curly hair and I love it so I wanna take care of it right? I’m mixed, my mom is black and I got my curls from her,, so when I go to sleep I usually wrap it in a scarf but every time I do I feel really guilty because I feel like that’s something that black girls do and I’m not black and I don’t wanna do anything wrong but at the same time I don’t want my curls to fuck up during the night.

I just don’t wanna offend anybody or do anything wrong.

OOC:

Alright, darlin. I had to hop on here to tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel. And it is a really... really shitty feeling. 

Number 1 - you. are. black. You’re one of us, love. I am also mixed. I’m black, brown, and white. I’m light skinned but I have 3b-3c curls and I lived most of my life with the brown/white side of my family, thinking I was whitepassing (spoiler alert: I’m not. I’m just delusional lmfao). And because of this, I always struggled with my identity. 

Growing up with my brown/white side, they never knew how to take care of my hair. I’d get it chemically straightened and relaxed, my curls brushed out and generally tended to with absolutely no idea how to handle it (I have a LOT of hair). It wasn’t until college (and youtube) that I began to learn how to take care of it and also come to terms with the fact that even though I always thought I looked white, absolutely NO ONE ELSE DID. But getting rid of the view that Im not dark enough or ‘black enough’ was so fucking toxic and it wormed its way into my brain in a way that I STILL struggle with.  

(^ this kid thought she was white. I know. What the fuck is wrong with you, Tiara. Also, where the fuck are my curls)

In college I avoided joining the BSU because I didn’t think I would be welcome. I didn’t think I fit in. And even though I still very much experience microaggressions and racism, I’m also very aware that being lightskinned, I have privilage over my darker skinned brothers and sisters. So even though by my senior year I was aware of that, and I definitely identified more and more with my black side, i didn’t think anyone else would - completely ignoring the fact that many of my friends were black, part of the BSU, and saw me as one of them. 

When I finally joined, there was no questions like I thought there’d be. Like ‘why’s the mixed girl here’ nothing LIKE THAT. The president of the BSU and one of my friends interviewed me one day for her thesis surrounding black hair. I expressed how growing up I didn’t know how to take care of my hair and that now I was scared of tying my hair in a scarf, or getting braids, or doing twists. I thought that my black peers and friends might see me as culturally appropriating them because I still thought people looked at me and saw anything but black. 

She looked at me like I was fucking crazy. She looked at me dead in the eyes like she knew I needed to hear it and said ‘Tiara. You. Are. Black. And you should do whatever is healthiest for YOUR hair.’ 

I never forgot that. It stuck with me. And it was like all my friends noticed how screwed my own mental image was and took me under their wing. 

4 years later and I still sometimes struggle. Mainly because I am very aware of taking up room in black spaces because of the fact that I do have the privilege of being light. 

But being lightskinned and mixed doesnt make me any less black. Sometimes I think my friends know that I still sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to celebrate my own fucking culture or history. Jeni has definitely slapped sense into me on several occassions when I didn’t know if I should promote myself as a black creator. 

But I am. 

Because I am.

And that brings me to this.

No matter what, you should do whats best for your hair. If that means wearing a scarf or a satin bonnet, then DO IT. (Definitely the bonnet. I cant sleep without it). If that means protecting your hair with protective styles like twists or braids or wigs or scarves, then DO IT. Every single winter and most of the summer, I put my hair into mini twists and it’s greatly affected the health of my hair and you know what? I feel fucking amazing when I do it and not one person has questioned me or tried to stop me or told me that I can’t or that I’m appropriating or offending anyone because I’m not. And it’s MY culture, too. 

And you know what babe? It’s YOUR culture, too. So you do whatever you need to do for your hair. You do what makes you feel happiest and healthiest and most confident. I swear as soon as I started doing what was best for me and learning more about my hair, and really feeling welcome in my own culture, I was far better off and other people saw it too. 

(Quarantine hair shots. Also significantly lighter than I was as a kid)

Please dm me if you ever have any hair questions, want product recommendations, or ANYTHING. I’m here for you. I know how you feel. 

And don’t forget -  you’re welcome here. You’re one of us. No matter how light or dark you are. Your momma’s black? You’re black, too. 

So with that being said

Happy Black History Month, Babe.

-Tiara @bloodydamnit 

#Anonymous #ooc #bloodydamnit #happy black history month #dm me if you ever need

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Get to know me?

Yoooo - yall remember Myspace, and people would blog survey posts lol. Well thats me, I’m people. And I just wanna write my lil heart out and avoid all of my real life responsibilities. So found a lil questionnaire thing and I’m gonna fill it out. Also lowkey like doing this every so often so I can look back on it and reflect and see how much I may have grown/changed/shifted viewzzz ya feel? :) 

Sooo here yall go <3 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My neice maybe?

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

People who know me would tell me to put outgoing, but I honestly feel shy on the inside, so it just depends.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Literally anyone lmao fuck this quarantine

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Definitely

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Lets hope so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind souls <3 always notice how they talk to their friends and family, but even people they don’t know like servers or janitors, etc. that shit matters heavy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A few homies

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah not really, just depends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Not sure -it’s been a min since I had a “deep” connection or convo that I can remember - but was probably with my bestie R’Bo

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Google that shit” lmao me, giving advice to my friends

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

TOUGH!!!! After Hours by The Weeknd is up there, Cayendo by Frank Ocean (been jamming his shit HAARD lately) and Inside Friend by Leon Bridges & John Mayer….but also been listening to albums - like Childish’s new album, Floreyyy for lo-fi shit, and also got into 070 Shake recently just to name a few.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCK YA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah budddyy

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Idk, my bday party was lit?? And lots of river floats happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Lol

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Cant deny that there isn’t so yaaa

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Just moved, so don’t know em

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination lol and biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

Literally ANNNYY-fuckin-WHERE!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Hmm I wanna say generally no, but I also always keep it one hunnnid with myself, and as much as I’d like to say I don’t have any - I think I def have insecurities with myself, that have the potential to become “trust issues” in certain relationships, but overall no. I live by the whole “you have my trust til you fuck it up” mantra

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coffee in the morning lately, missed it and forgot how energized it makes me - gives me time to wake up and reflect/set daily goals

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach forever :((((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll on my phone, pee usually, or feed my cat lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Tanner maybe?

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom or my best friend R’Bonney - but any of my close friends and fam honestly

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Not directly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Lol ok, so this is always changing…but lately (and by lately I mean the past few years) its been a no. I’m open minded though and am aware that I’m always changing my mind sooo who knows

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeppperoo

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Honestly, those aren’t my “thing” lollike id prob laugh or be awkward or just have to be hellllla drunk - but like I wouldn’t mind Jason Momoa and Tom Hardy tossin me around

33. Spell your name with your chin.

hjaylkee

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Scocer back in the day - actually went and kicked it like a week ago for the first time in YEARSSSS - felt so damn good

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, music forreeevverrr

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Lol story of my life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“Soooo” then probably ask a question or some shit lol

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Hmmm…definitely have to be funny/have a good sense of humor. They’d have to be open-minded for sure. Up for trying new things, places, cultures, food, music, etc. Just have an adventurous spirit I guess when it comes to that. Have a good line of communication/openness - and just be able to have a deep/intellectual convo about anything and everything. Bonuses: taller than me, likes cooking, and going to music shows.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Amazon lol I hate shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

To go back to high school :( lmao so much id re-do, cant believe its almost been a decade

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Hell yeah, this is life my dudes, dont take it so seriously - we all fuck up at some point or another

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Something is on my mind for sure, or im just tired lol

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

DAMNNN WHAT so hard - I guesss if I had to pick, space…just because it’s more rare/harder to do I’d think.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My cat lol with his meowing ass

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lowkey a lot lol

47. Have you ever been high?

8)

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Who hasn’t????

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

naw

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black probably, like half my wardrobe

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Of course

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My bad habits

56. Favourite colour?

Yelllllow :)

57. Favourite food?

Oh gaaawwd, literally anything - lately: PB&J’s, fries, wings, Mediterranean, Mexican, pickles, ice cream, ramenzzzz

58. Last thing you ate?

Pistachios

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cofffeeee w creamer

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk, not off the top of my head - maybe something back in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

Yeah lmao

63. Ever been in love?

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

No its really not that interesting and idc to type it out

65. Are you hungry right now?

24/7/365

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Lol yes a few of them <333

67. Facebook or Twitter?

FB

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Noooo

70. Names of your bestfriends?

R’Bonney is number 1

71. Craving something? What?

Foooood, and companionship? Lol

72. What colour are your towels?

Idk, random, mostly blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

A lot lol

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Lol no, but I have my one from my childhood in my room

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

1 - shout out to you Mr.Fluffy

75. Favourite animal?

I am fascinated by sharks; and like gators/crocs. But I have mad respect for elephants, they’re sooo damn smart and beautiful.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Dont have any on

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

BITCHHHH CHOC

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

All of them

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Tie-dye

80. What colour pants?

none

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones prob

82. Favourite movie?

Avatar or Shawshank Redemption

87. First person you talked to today?

Sissy

88. Last person you talked to today?

Friend on FT

89. Name a person you hate?

No one, maybe Trump? lol

90. Name a person you love?

Everyone, fr fr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Not enough <3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Not enough <3

95. Last movie you watched?

The Decline on Netflix, short lil foreign oil, was deep/interesting

96. Favourite actress?

Not sure-Sandra Bullock? Or Meryl

97. Favourite actor?

Denzel or Morgan Freeman

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nah not anymore honestly

99. Have any pets?

Yessss

100. How are you feeling?

Mediocre

101. Do you type fast?

Ya

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Im sure

103. Can you spell well?

Ya

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lol im nostalgic af, so yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes litttty tittyyy

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably :(

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Hell yeah brother, I’m from TX

108. What should you be doing?

So much shit lol

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I ain’t doing all the shit I should be lol

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yooo yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Prob my sister or my mom?? Lol I cry a lot, idk and idc

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Hayls?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Back in the day

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Nah, unless maybe if its homemade

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah occasionally, more of a Thai food chick or Japanese

119. Favourite book?

Kite Runner

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Low-key sometimes lol

121. Are you mean?

Hell noooo

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Ok, this is an interesting one lol I mean no, it’s not “okay” - since it usually constitutes lying/hiding/hurting someone - BUTTTT, for a lack of a better term - I wanna say it’s “normal”? But thats because I, personally, am on the fence about the concept of monogamy. Like no, I’ve never cheated nor experienced that in return - but the whole concept of monogamy and like that a person can love and only love or be with one person is WILLLLDDD and I can’t help but note that its a social construct that we, as a society, are conditioned to from the time we are born. Idk if that makes sense bc im high af lol but those are my thoughts…like to sum it up - cheating is fucked up and sucks, but at the same time its not all that surprising/shocking anymore, like borderline “normalized” just as divorces are and shit, so I feel like bc biologically we aren’t made to be with one person lol. I don’t condone it tho. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell to the naw naw

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm idk about that one, but also can’t deny it

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah of course, you’re talking to a hopeless romantic

126. Are you currently bored?

I guess we could say that

127. What makes you happy?

Food and close, loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, too much paper work

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer, with my lil moody, sensitive ass

130. Do you like subway?

I did lol

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Story of my mf life lol literally all my exes are “best friends turned lovers” situation, so guess it would just depend lmao

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Lol oh godddd; ok off the top of my head - Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up is what comes to mind; just a timeless song and the lyrics are still relevant/apply to this day and idk just really resonate with the message behind that song <3

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk, but it was probably SO dumb, and told to my parents lol

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Either or, lately open so my cat can go in and out lol

137. How tall are you?

5’6 mayyybeee 5’5 actually lol

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall!!

141. Night or Day?

Def a lil night owl, always have been

142. Favourite month?

April and October for weather at least

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No but I try, and go through phases, I’m definitely mindful the older I get and more focused on my health I become

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

FUCKIN ALLLLL

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee but I like tea too, just seem to drink coffee more regularly

146. Was today a good day?

The grateful-to-just-be-alive in me wants to say yes lol but idk, felt off/unaccomplished and cried a lot, so no.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“This too shall pass”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sure why not

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“After all, what he had always wanted was just that: to know new places.” -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

#survey #about me #haylee #thoughts #mine #questions #ask me anything #ask #lets chat #be my frieeennnddd

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

I am not my insecurities reflection- a truthful based oneshot

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ

Ok, this will be a long author’s note but please bare with me as this is very important for you to understand this oneshot. For some context here because I havent posted alot about her yet, this is a oneshot about my Dc oc Gracie Lucio, set kinda in the same universe(i guess) of the teen titans judas contract movie( with Damian as robin) and its a oneshot written partly out of a vent of my own body image issues and partly out of an expression of how I’ve learned to look past said issues slowly.

But this gets very angsty until the end

Now to give a bit more context for the piece itself. The oc herself, Gracie Lucio( because I havent posted any art of her yet) for the reader’s understanding, she is not human, she is a werewolf(it feeds into her story so dont get me started on it alot of research went into this aspect of her character and it plays into her body issues)and body wise looks similar to Dick in the first season of Young Justice. Shes a naturally thin figured , broader shouldered girl who could( if she really wanted to) pass as a feminine boy with short jaw/ barely chin length hair( think of a thick messy longish pixie cut of dark hair). So shes naturally lean and lanky and a little underdeveloped for a 13 year old girl and as a heroine she has toned muscles from years of hero work. Most wouldnt see her having too many insecurities about her body image and appearance, but in truth shes riddled with them. She ages a bit differently than humans, it takes her body longer to develop and even then in some areas it develops differently all together. She struggles to gain any extra weight or build up natural feminine curves, something she wants. She WANTS to look like other girls her age, with more developed and heavier bodies, with curves and more weight and an actual figure. But with a supernaturally high metabolism added on top of a already genetic based thin figure and a intense and sometimes rigorous training and workout routine plus her work as a heroine gives no leeway to gain really any extra weight, its always worked off one way or another. And this causes...comments to be made about why she looks that way by civilians. and though she never shows it publicly  she takes many of these, usually not flattering and sometimes cruel and rude, comments to heart(much like I used to unfortunately) and it worsens her negative feelings. This is a small story of her seeing those problems and issues and trying to face and overcome them. This is more centered around Gracie and Dick and Jason and their platonic and sibling like relationship as they help her through her darker times( again, this is partly me expressing my own personal struggles with body image (which arent the exact same as the character but the language and the comments are very similar)and partly how those two helped inspire me to have more confidence in my body no matter what I look like) and also a deeper peek into her complex relationship with Damian(but thats not the biggest focus) Sorry this was so long I mightve info-dumped a little but its important to understand the story. I hope you guys enjoy?

This is also told in Gracie’s point of view

This will cover some pretty deep kinda issues like body image problems and over eating and weight loss/gain and mentions of eating disorders without really discussing them and bullying so if that upsets you in any way now is the best time to scroll past for your own sake, I dont want you to upset yourself over my crappy emotional writing

I do not look that bad.

That’s what I have to force my mind to accept as I look into the mirror, meeting my own aqua green eyes hesitantly.

I always hated looking in the mirror lately, especially after training or after bathing, like now as I stood in the middle of my room in a slightly loose training type sports bra and spandex shorts. I don’t even want to glance down at my body, out of fear for seeing the same thing I always do.

‘She so skinny...is she eating right’

‘She needs to eat more and gain some weight’

‘what a twig for a superhero’

‘how have bad guys not snapped her in half? Jesus Christ I could probably break her with a sneeze!’

‘What a bad influence shes setting for young girls with such an thin figure!’

‘I think He needs to eat more Christ that poor boy must be starving! Why isn’t Nightwing feeding him more’

The flashes of comments flooded my mind the moment my eyes flickered down to the rest of me. To my thin, unfeminine figure. My underdeveloped and flat birdcage of a chest. To my lanky, toned, too flat stomach. The pinched waist figure. The flat empty expanse I called hips that blended too well into my too dainty looking bony legs. I looked too fucking skinny. And maybe they were right...as a hero I was a role model to those younger than me, and I promoted a Bad Body Image for girls to idolize with my lanky boy figure.

And it was a horrible body type I had no goddamn control over.

My species was not an easy one to live as, especially not intermingled with humans. The team knew, the team understood, but the rest of the world didn’t. As a lupinotuum pectinem, or lycanthrope which in easy translation is simply “Werewolf”, my whole body inner workings were different. Most of my kind were naturally lean and thin, like tall healthily thin model athlete body types and in general the females, even alpha females, were practically born twig like almost. And on top of that our bodies developed....differently. I was not raised by a pack or by my own kind after age 8, so even I didn’t know the full extent but females bodies took longer to grow and it made it very hard for them to gain weight because of the unnaturally high metabolism. Add being a superhero who once trained under a certain league member to the mix and you go from being the “healthy and admirable” type of skinny to the “unhealthy and concerning”type of skinny.

I hated it, and I hated my body. I hated pictures of me from the neck down, because they all looked the same no matter who they were with. And I saw the comments everyone made. Whether its a surprise photo Garfield took dragging me into the picture to commemorate something or another or me taking pictures around Gotham or Blüdhaven with Dick on the social media Gar helped me set up, or even the rare photos I’d get to take with Jason or Damian or Tim and get to post. Every time the flood of comments were the same. The same things I now repeated over and over as I looked over my body angrily.

OMG look at that poor girl is she ok??? She looks like she needs to be hospitalized!

Christ almighty BB isn’t it too early to be posing with skeletons?? LOL

Dude not funny that girl must be anorexic or something.

Such a cute sibling couple but sweetie you need a fast food break to add some fat to those bones!

Fuck kid go eat something instead of taking pictures

Awwww you two look real happy! I hope you’re on the way to lunch or something!

Holy shit your guy’s size difference is so vast its almost worrying

how are you even alive with that little weight

Go eat some junk food or something before you pass out

OMG look at her shes so small and stick like! Her clothes look like they’re hanging off a scarecrow!

That girl cannot be healthy tell me someone is making her eat more

Every time its always the same damn thing....

I couldn’t do it anymore. I turned away from the mirror nearly in disgust and went back to changing into more casual clothes, bitterly noting how my clothes did in fact seem to hang awkwardly on my body as if I was too thin for them to fit correctly. Like they always did lately.

Ew look at her she looks so gross all stick-like like that!

What a fucking twig of a girl! Are those her ribs poking through her shirt??

Bitch go eat a fucking hamburger you need some damn food in you.

God that weight cant be healthy you need a doctor!!

     “Kid? Yo kid you in there?” My head jerked up from the comments flooded screen of my phone to meet Jason’s eyes, catching the quirk of his eyebrow as he sat across the diner table from me. We were at a diner he favored whenever he came into town to visit, a little family owned treasure with delicious and greasy food and the sweetest staff on earth. We frequented the spot during his visits, our own personal little thing since we’d gotten closer. I plastered on a smile and ignored the slight narrow of those blue eyes, the small furrow of his brow got as I snapped off my phone and set it aside.

      “Sorry Jay, BB tagged me in something dorky and I got distracted. So what were you saying?”

He didn’t believe me, and I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t the most convincing at that moment but I kept that damn plastic smile on my face and snagged some of his curly fries right in his face, making him crack a smile and smack my hand away from his tray.

      “ Hands off my food, eat your own wolfie.” I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname I’d been branded and let the plastic smile slowly be replaced by a more genuine one as we began chatting again, grabbing my over sized cheeseburger and finishing every last bite and moving onto the large fries and two milkshakes, hopelessly praying that maybe this time the calories would stick and trying to push away the comments to the back of my mind. I was with Jason and we were having a damn good time, and I wasn’t going to let those comments ruin his visit...not again.

You should be ashamed. All you’re doing is promoting bad eating habits looking like that.

You’re such a bad influence for young girls who idolize you with such a horribly unreachable appearance.

Shes too bony to ever be considered pretty

Does she have a eating disorder or something?

I stiffened instantly startled by a hand on my shoulder, turning off my phone  instinctively and making the endless comments disappear into darkness before whoever could see them over my shoulder. The hand was big, calloused, and gentle and I felt myself relax as I looked up behind me with a smile.

         “ Hey Dick, did you need something?” He smiled down at me with that big bright smile that made all the dark thoughts and feelings melt away and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze, blue eyes meeting aqua green.

          “ Well I was wondering if you’re doin’ anything right now or if you’d want to go catch dinner with Kori, Dami, and I. I noticed that you’d skipped your usual early dinner....” I wasn’t surprised he noticed, he normally did...

Once again that smile plastered itself on my face as I told him I’d love to, and to just let me go get changed into something better. I saw his hesitation at the fake smile, practically smelled it on him and prayed he wouldn’t bring it up right now, god please don’t ask now or I might just break...

Maybe god is listening because he didn’t mention it and just told me to meet them by the front doors of the tower in ten.

How are you not dead yet?

Jesus Christ stop promoting your eating disorder like its a good thing!

She looks so sickly is she ok? :(

Yeah shes sick, sick in the damn head for posting such disgusting pro-Ana pictures

How can you post pictures with a clear conscience looking like that?

Some “superhero”

I was wrong, no god was listening to me.

Dinner was rough to get through, even if it didn’t start that way.

For once I didn’t have to worry or dread possibly checking my phone for anything, I turned it off by the time we got to the restaurant. I even got a small compliment from Damian on our way in, though it was more a snark at me not tripping up the stairs. But it was Damian so I snapped right back with a smile, knowing he didn’t really mean it. Sitting beside Dick and across from Damian, I nudged his foot with mine in a silent gesture to cheer up even a little. He huffed through his nose but I saw his body relax and it made me relax. Those moments before the food came, our chatter and soft laughter as we looked over the menu, and the soothing knowledge knowing that Dick pulled me and Damian along to this dinner so we would go out on a date ourselves, ever the best brother and wingman. The mood was light and pleasant and I could see even the ever sharp and moody Dami lighten up a little by the time we ordered. Maybe the mood shifted into something different as we waited for our food and I was sipping on my tall glass of iced cola, when Damian’s fingers casually brushed over the top of my unused hand that laid peacefully on the table. The gesture was subtle and light, quick enough to miss if your senses weren’t sharp. I didn’t acknowledge it and neither did he, a silent understanding that words would just ruin whatever this was. I accepted that happily, as he was much more engaged in the conversations and even smiling a little more during them as he debated with Kori on leading strategies. Things were pleasant, comforting at that table in those few seconds before the decline, Dick smiling and chuckling at his lover and little brother, Said lover and brother having a more upbeat discussion about different leadership styles and their effects, and lightly debating which work better for what. And Damian’s hand next to mine, ever so lightly brushing against it in his wordless way to say I was still there and at even the smallest twitch I’d have his attention again. Dick ruffled my hair and asked how my online courses were coming along, since I didn’t attend schools publicly and I was more than happy to babble about my classes, and my current work in them. It was nice and I was happy, all the horrible feelings from before draining away as I tuned everything else but these three out of my enhanced hearing. Why had I even felt so shitty when I had great people like them in my life?

Then I heard it as that damned supernatural hearing tuned back in to the rest of the world.

The words and whispers and mutters and the blatant gossip and bad mouthing.

“Look at that younger girl sitting at that table dear...shes so thin I think she should be in a hospital not a restaurant.”

“Ewww mom look that girl looks like a skeleton!”

“ Honey shush….”

“Is….is that girl ok?”

“Dude of course she isn’t just look at her shes unhealthy as fuck. Probably has some kind of eating disorder too or something.”

It all flooded over me and all of my happy mood washed away under the wave. I couldn’t tell if the others could hear them so I grit my teeth tried to tune it all back out, trying so hard to focus more on Kori’s explanation of her points. My hands began to curl up subconsciously, making Damian’s attention snap to me. Fuckin I….no, I cant tell him...I shouldn’t. I forced my hand to uncurl and that stupid smile sprawled across my lips as if someone had put tape over them. I saw his eyes narrow and near begged mentally for him to not say anything or for Dick to distract him...anything.

“Ahem….your meal.”

I have never more thankful to a waitress before in my life...until I saw the look she gave me as she placed my admittedly large order of food in front of me, something that was normally a platter for two people’s worth of beef and sides. I caught the judgmental and suspicious look she had glancing between me and my food and I felt shame burn all over, starting to hang my head to avoid that damn look.

“ If this is all our food then your job is done. Don’t you have OTHER tables to be serving?” Damian’s curt and sharp tone cut through the air and briefly through my shame. This waitress knew nothing about me and i certainly owned no one any explanations about my eating habits, so why was she hanging around giving me looks about my food…?

“ Damian don’t be so rude!” Dick cleared his throat and I felt his strong arm wrap protectively around my shoulder as he leaned close to the edge of the table while Kori’andr apologized for Damian’s attitude vaguely. But I could hear it, there wasn’t much life to her apology. It sounded like a politely required apology, almost...defensive?

“ I am so sorry about my little brother Miss. He’s also sorry. But do you need anything else since we seem to be all set here but you’re still hanging around when you must be very busy…?” Dick’s words were sweet and cheerful, but there was an edge to his tone that gave a clear warning. His arm around me tightened a little protectively as he gave one of his signature charming smiles that could light up half the damn city as he then inquired if there was some sort of problem. The waitress stammered that there wasn’t any problem and that it was fine and for us to enjoy our meal before scampering away to continue her work. I felt other patrons eyes most DEFINITELY on us now and I couldn’t help shrinking into the taller man’s side to hide.

“ I’m sorry this keeps happening…” I murmured to him as our respective dates started eating and slowly reviving their conversation, moving on to mission recounts and training while Damian shot a dark look at the other patrons that made them look away. Dick gave my shoulder a squeeze and i moved closer for that familiar warmth and comfort...my chest felt heavy and my appetite had died and I wanted to curl up in my room and die of the shame. But I couldn’t, he wouldn’t have let me. So instead I instinctively sought out the safety Dick’s presence brought me, like a protective older sibling whose arms I could be enveloped in and forget about the harsh world outside them.

He knew without words, catching my body language before anyone else at the table. He knew me best.

“ Do you want to leave? We can get to go boxes and enjoy this meal all the same back at the tower, or even mine and Kori’s apartment. Is that what you’d rather do?” It was tempting, oh god it was so tempting to just say yes and let him lead me away while I re-gathered myself, same way he did when we were both 13 and living under the same roof...before…

I shook my head and forced those thoughts to the very back of my mind. I was in a dark enough place of mind already without that.

“ N-no...you guys set this up...i...i don’t want one nosy waitress to ruin our whole meal. Lets just eat ok D?” He smiled at the nickname and ruffled my hair with a nod, both him and Kori making sure I knew if things got too uncomfortable we could leave and the heaviness eased a little at their consideration. I started picking at my food and slowly regaining my appetite, once again nudging Damian with my foot to start up conversations. I ignored the words for the majority of the dinner, we even began to enjoy ourselves again. The last straw was probably as we were paying and putting leftovers in to go bins. I was admittedly nibbling on food out of my bin, despite starting to feel full.

“ I swear you are a bottomless pit sometimes Gracia.” I rolled my eyes at Damian’s remark and gave him a small smirk as I licked my fingers clean.

“ This bottomless pit can still kick your ass in training wonder boy~” He grunted and I saw the challenge glow in his eyes as he smirked back, an excitement for tomorrow’s combat training flaring up between us.

“ You really shouldn’t mix up your delusional dreams with reality alpha PUP.” I said something snarky back and we began to bicker halfheartedly over who was winning. I finally snapped shut my leftover box and stood with Damian as we stared each other down confidently, Dick chuckling at our competitiveness.

“ Tomorrow morning’s combat training will certainly be interesting with these two all riled up already.” The words didn’t fully process as I cracked my knuckles and squared up to the admittedly….taller boy.

“ Last I checked Damian I was ahead 11-10. And tomorrow, I just cant wait to make it 12.” He gave a hard laugh to my face and faced up to me with a smirk as our other two companions stood and shooed us more in front of the table so they could leave their seats. He opened his mouth to say something likely scalding and snarky back at me when the worst comment pierced between us both like a goddamn bullet.

“ Damn, I never knew such a sickly, too skinny bitch like her could eat like such a fat fucking pig.”

I think I stopped breathing as my body flinched at the following laughter. The man was clearly on the tipsy side and sitting at a larger table with a group of laughing friends, though the one who said it was standing next to the table with a drink that reeked of the cheapest alcohol this restaurant probably sold, and he didn’t stop there. Oh god of course he didn’t stop there. He kept laughing and loudly making obvious comments at me and openly mocking me and how much I ate to his table, either fully aware of what he was doing and that we could clearly see and hear him or too drunk to really care as more insults and name calling that I had heard and seen and read plenty of times before fell from his mouth. My heart was pounding in my ears as the next few moments happened slowly.

I thought I had seen anger plenty of times before, the worse being the one and only time someone made a malicious joke about my appearance to my face when I was walking beside Jason and it took all my supernatural strength to drag him off and away the guy before he murdered him in broad daylight and to keep him walking to wherever we had been heading.

I had seen pissed, but I had never seen downright hellish fury until that moment when I looked at Damian and Dick.

I had seen Damian mad, and angry, and pissed, a few times in our first meetings at me personally. I had seen Dick mad, angry, and pissed off a a fair chunk of times, even if they had never been directly at me. I had never seen this expression on either of them in those times. And in those few moments that passed almost in slow motion and Damian began to lurch forward with murderous intent the thought finally hit me. ‘ Was this...the first time these two had really heard the comments about me? Oh god…’ I felt like I was moving in honey as Damian stalked past me and I tried to reach out to him slowly, a gleam to his eyes that made my blood go cold.

If someone was to ask me in the future what I believed Death looked like, I would say with completely conviction that death would have the exact eyes Damian had in that moment: lethal, merciless, and furious. And he would have Dick’s cold expression, a look I never wanted to see on the normal cheerful man’s face ever again.

Time snapped back to a normal speed like a whip and my hand grasped nothing but air as Damian stormed over to the man.

“D...da--”

“What did you just say you disgusting drunk.” I might’ve shivered at his tone and I felt Kori’s hands on my shoulders tugging me back protectively as she looked down at me worried.

“ Gracie...don’t listen to him, there’s no reason to cry.” Cry? What was she talking ab--

That’s when I felt it, something warm and wet sliding down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. I...I was crying. My walls and my limit of bottling things in for one day was crumbling away as I watched Damian go to confront the man, my voice disappearing under the surge of hurt and anxiety. I couldn’t even say his damn name. I felt frozen and helpless as Dick stalked after Damian, fists clenched.

I had to do something say something anything to stop them before things went badly I had to I had--

“Eh?What the fuck did you say to me brat?”

“ You heard me you worthless piece of filth. Apologize to her, now.”

I needed to do something anything as I felt myself crumbling. Why wasn’t Dick stopping him why

“ And what if I don’t pipsqueak? You gonna hit me? Now scram. Maybe take your little bitch to a hospital for treatment instead of parading her around a restaurant with normal people!”

“ He might not do anything, But I will. Now take it back before things get messy.”I think my body began trembling as I watched panic swelling. I just wanted to leave and go home. I didn’t want to see this unfold, I just wanted to be home at the tower curled under my covers to simulate the warmth of another person holding me. I wanted to be anywhere, anywhere else then stuck in this nightmare.

So I moved without thinking and lunged, aiming for the back of Dick’s jacket to grab and ready to swallow any shards of pride and beg to leave. Instead I collided with Damian’s back and rolled with it, hugging him tightly from behind and tugging back with a whimper.

“ P-please you two...l...lets just leave...please lets just go home please…” Kori grabbed Dick’s arm firmly and tugged him back.

“ Dick...shes in the midst of an anxiety attack, let it go and lets leave. We need to get her out of here.” He took a difficult deep breath but nodded glaring down the man harshly enough that he flinched and scurried to the bar with his tail between his legs mumbling insults. One of his friends started to stand and began nervously apologizing, though one vicious look from the boy I was holding shut him up fast. It took me and Kori working together to drag the two out of the restaurant and the ride home was tense and silent. I couldn’t look at any of them, instead opting to stare at my feet wiping my eyes.

“ Does that happen often. People talking about you like that.” His cold tone made me flinch a little. At this point I was so upset and anxious and emotionally drained on the inside that I thought Damian was mad at me of all people for what happened. Those dark thoughts began to slowly bubble up to the surface and my insecurities screamed that he blamed me for what happened in the restaurant. I remained silent, too upset to answer. I heard his growl of annoyance and I began to hunch up, ready for a verbal fight.

“ Damian drop it for now. Shes in no right place of mind to talk about it.” Dick warned from the driver seat with a low voice that reminded me he was also upset and angry. When we got back   to the tower I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything, I just bolted for my room as fast as I could, at a inhuman, unnatural speed that they couldn’t keep pace with.

I stayed locked in my room for three days, not willing to face any of them the next morning during training. Everything was heavy and hurt and it was hard trying to rebuild those shattered walls of protection, that image of unbothered confidence. I stayed in bed locked away from the world and curled up under the weak protection of my sheets mostly unresponsive to those outside it.

The first to come knocking and checking on me was Kori, asking if I was ok and if I needed to talk. She left after a little while of trying for a response unsuccessfully though, saying she’d come back to check on me later. It was maybe an hour later that Garfield came knocking, asking why I’d missed breakfast AND training. His voice was concerned as he asked if everything was ok and if I was even in there. The concern poked painfully into my silence, tempting me to speak and make myself vulnerable.

Vulnerability killed. I knew that first hand. So I forced myself to stay quiet until his knocks and footsteps faded away.

The rest of the day passed in a bit of a self deprecating blur, only marked by Kori’s two other attempts at my door. The last one I barely noticed as exhaustion kicked back in and I drifted off into an unsteady sleep

The next day after I woke up things still went by in a near timeless blur. I could hear my phone buzzing and vibrating and rattling for my attention but I left it there on the nightstand unnoticed and curled further under the sheets, lost in a slate tinted world of dark thoughts and darker temptations. But that day was harder to drift away through.

The first to stop by was Jamie, knocking a few times and calling out to me with concern and worry clear in his voice as he asked if I was ok. He asked if I’d eaten at all since yesterday, since he hadn’t seen me leave my room. The thought of eating made my stomach stir and my body curl around it ashamed. He knocked a few more times after that, his voice growing a bit more worried at the lack of answer. After awhile I heard him walk away and I barely lifted my head as I hugged my too skinny too unhealthy body close, feeling those blaring imperfections and flinching at myself.

It was no wonder everyone said those things...if so many people said them so often then they must be true.

The next to come by was Raven. She only knocked twice and gave a small sigh.

“ Gracie...I know you’re in there. If you need someone to talk to...my room is in the next hall over, and I will be here to listen. I wont force you to come out...just please remember you aren’t alone here. You have the team behind you.” I bit my lip hard enough to make it bleed to keep my ensuing whimper silent. The words, soothing and reassuring in context, stabbed into my heart and my resolve. I WANTED to depend on them, to throw open the door and break down under the assurance I could and would not be treated differently after, and be assured and comforted and remind of the positives. I wanted it so badly I was scared of it. Or maybe...I was scared of it NOT happening as those damn fears and insecurities and dark thoughts sowed heavy doubt through me. She lingered a little longer than Jaime, eventually her footsteps disappearing. I remember meekly poking my head from the sheets to stare absently out the half covered windows lost in thought, time slipping by me once more to the point I almost didn’t register Garfield and Kori both stopping by my door again at least twice more worried.

When Dick stopped by as the sun was setting was when the harder pain set in.

I heard the knocks and ignored it in favor of the changing color sky the sunset offered, my room washed in a dim orange and amber gleam. Then I heard his voice, soft and sick with worry from the outside and my heart thudded so hard it hurt. Hard.

“ Gracie...C’mon Gracie-girl please open the door. We’re all worried about you...I’m really worried about you. You haven’t eaten for a day and a half...Please let me in...” I almost broke completely at the pain in that familiar voice, the voice I never wanted to be the cause of being in pain or anguish again.

Well looks like I did a GREAT job of preventing that didn’t I?

He knocked again, asking and pleading and trying to reason, anything to get that door to open. My eyes burned with hot fresh tears and I curled up into a tight ball whimpering softly and breaking my vow of silence.

“....D-dick...p-please...j-just leave me a-alone…I-i just need some t-time alone…”

My voice came out pathetically weak and shaking with tears, which I know he heard. There was a silence for a few moments, perhaps shock that I actually answered this time. I felt warmth sliding down my cheeks as he sighed and reluctantly muttered that he’d come check back on me tomorrow and that there was leftover dinner ready for me to heat up on the kitchen counter before he slowly walked away. His fading footsteps echoing in my ears. Was my heart breaking on every step away? I couldn’t tell. That feeling slipped into the dark thoughts that followed the setting sun. Dark thoughts that also reminded me of the one person who HADN’T come to check on me, and the resulting pain of his absence.

The third day had been mostly quiet. It was almost a painful relief, quiet meant no additional pain of--

“ Gracia.”

That one word coming from Damian’s mouth sent so many things through me and sent any resolve I had spiraling away. His tone was a forced kind of neutral, he sounded as if he was trying to stay calm but it wasn’t exactly working. There was something to his voice I had no energy to figure out. He didn’t knock and there was silence for a few moments but I felt his presence remain.

“ You haven’t eaten since the restaurant.” No questions with him, he didn’t need to ask, always calm and analyzing.

“ ...You cant just stay in there forever Gracia.” A stern lilt to his voice, weakly enforced by the faint sound of his hand on the door. I could only whimper and curl up more. There was another stretch of silence before he sighed and his footsteps continued down the hall.

He was the only one to come check on me, a blessing and a damnation.

The day and night went by so listlessly I didn’t remember falling asleep, only waking up to banging knocks on my door. The volume grated on my sensitive hearing and made me flinch. Who would even be knocking like that…?

“ Oi. Kid. I know you’re still in there. Open the door.” Jason’s hard and no shit taking voice shot through me. Why...Why was Jason in the tower? Why was he in the city?

The knocking continued relentlessly, unlike the others. It even got louder and angrier.

“ Kid I said open this goddamn door.” There was no request or plea in his voice. It was a command, a harsh, cold command. I tried covering my ears with my hands and curling into a tight ball as the knocking continued. He wasn’t about to give up to a little girl.

I knew this too well.

“ Graciea Rosica Lucio I swear to god if you don’t open this goddamn door in the next couple second I will break it down. Now get off your fucking ass and answer me.” I don’t know what it was, but hearing his threat sent my body into mechanical motion, trudging over to the door and reluctantly unlocking it and letting it slide open with a low hiss, the banging finally ceasing. I couldn’t look him in the face, empty and ashamed it took threats to get me to open the door. So I stared dully at his boots and took in his scent as he grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me back inside. I stumbled clumsily along with as he sat me on my bed and stood in front of me. I kept my gaze down towards his knees, the smell of nicotine wisping off his body in a way that told me he very recently had been smoking, no less than an hour ago most likely. Smoke and city is what filled my room. There was only a beat of silence before he spoke.

“ Look at me.” I lifted my head and stared at his chest and his crossed arms, unwilling to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t bare to see what kind of disappointed look he likely had on his face. Perhaps I didn’t want to see my reflection in his eyes, see the sickly, disgusting and bony figured girl with greasy hair and dark circles under dulled eyes and sallow cheeks. I heard the slight growl that rumbled from the back of his throat in warning and I briefly wondered if I would be forced to look him in the eyes. His arms uncrossed and I prepared myself for anything.

Anything except for two big plastic grocery bags filled with fast food bags and orders was dropped onto my lap, the contents still hot. I blinked slowly once, twice, and finally got enough courage in my confusion to look up at his face. When I did I was a little startled.

“ Eat. And you aren’t moving until those bags are polished off understand me?”

He looked visibly angry, eyes narrowed and mouth locked in a fearsome scowl with eyebrows furrowed. But his eyes were soft and worried and it took me a minute to realize worry was what was making his scowl so harsh. He crossed his arms across that broad chest again and I realized he was in his work gear, all the way down to the guns strapped to his thighs. All he lacked at the moment was his helmet and domino mask, his dark hair messier than usual and the white streak falling between his eyes. We had a staring contest and in those pupils I saw myself, I saw the shell I had become and it made me sick, breaking me briefly from the depressive haze.

How the hell had I let myself fall this far, this deep?

We didn’t speak until he grunted, eyes narrowing more in a way even those concerned blues didn’t weaken the glare as he spoke gruffly.

“ You better start eating before I start just shoving it down your damn throat.” I knew he would too. He wasn’t fucking around, I didn’t doubt he’d follow through with any threats made. Slowly I looked down at the pile of food and reached for the first bag, pulling it open and blinking fast as fresh tears stung my eyes.

It was from our favorite diner, and it was my usuals two cheeseburgers and large lightly salted fries with a second order of fat steak fries and fried pork strips. He’d even gotten all the little sides I enjoyed with it and I looked back up at him with a pained look. Maybe that look made him relax because his expression softened slightly, his voice quieting to something gentler.

“ C’mon now...I brought you all your favorites, now start eating...it’s been three days and your body cant handle that. We can talk after.” My shoulders slumped as all the tension stored in my body dissipated a little as he continued to speak, like a tightly pulled strong finally cut loose.

“ Kid I’m not mad at you. No one is. So just eat the food and then we’ll figure shit out, just like we do on any other visit.” I think the tears started falling because his face got blurry and there was warmth in my face. If I did start crying he didn’t say anything, just nodded at the bag. I gulped and slowly but surely pulled out one of the burgers and slowly took a bite, struggling a little to swallow it with a throat that was closing up from emotions. Once I did though my hunger kicked me hard and I began devouring the food, one bag after another.

It took me about a half hour to finish both plastic bags but I did, followed by slamming through at least two water bottles and one thick milkshake that almost made a mess. Jason simply watched over me as I ate from his spot in front of me. The silence was almost soothing, not painful as it had been before. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked back up at him and we made eye contact.

“ So are you going to tell me what happened? Really happened?” I broke his gaze to stare towards the floor as the acidic shame began to creep back over me. He sighed.

“ C’mon kid just let it out already. Who am I to judge? So why don’t you trust me like you USED to and tell me?” Those words shot through my heart and head.

I...I wasn’t trusting him...trusting anyone...I…i...

It was like Jason opened a flood gate.

It all came spilling out with a new surge of tears and mid sentence cracking sobs, my body physically heaving from the intensity as it all came out. All the months of insecurities and pain and doubts and fears and comments and negativity and hate and bullying came rushing out like a tidal wave and Jason took to all, listening to everything without a single word as I let everything out and let myself break down completely, wails and sobs replacing words eventually. I felt him shift and kneel in front of me, felt big strong sturdy hands grip my shoulders to steady me and keep me anchored as I buried my face into my hands and gasped out cries and pained wailing yowls that filled the room and spilled out of it. I vaguely remember the sounds of multiple hurried footsteps coming towards the door but I didn’t care. All I felt was Jason’s hands on my shoulders and his steady, continuous heartbeat in my ears as well as he strong breathing. One set of footsteps dared to enter the room and hurry over, only stopped by Jason’s calm voice.

“ Let her get it out, its the only thing that’ll help.” The footsteps stopped and eventually the wails faded into blubbering whimpers and whines and hiccups, constantly sniffling. I lifted my head to look at him through blurred eyes and got one brief sight of Dick standing behind Jason that sent me into a whole new wave of sobs.

God I’ve been nothing but selfish and now I’d fucking hurt Dick again even when I swore I’d never do that again and i--

I let out a high pitched whine that turned into pathetic blubbered and wailed apologies. Over and over like a broken record I couldn’t stop apologizing to them for everything even parts that weren’t my fault  in any way I still apologized for it I just couldn’t stop. Jason’s grip on me tightened only slightly before slipping away and for a single moment I was terrified I’d annoyed him with all the apologies and was about to add that to my list of them when two strong arms wrapped around me and and Dick’s scent surrounded me.

“ Shh shh shh shhh….shhh Gracie its ok now shh shh its ok I got you its not your fault…” I sniffled and wailed out more sobs and begs for forgiveness as I clung to him like he was a life preserver. And at that moment he was. He hugged me tighter and practically cradled me into his chest stroking my hair as he murmured reassurances, assuring me I was well forgiven and it wasn’t my fault. Everyone got insecurities especially when facing so much negativity. How I was so strong for fighting it for so long regardless. But it was ok to not always be strong and be able to handle it. That he was there and it was ok now. It took awhile but eventually all my noise quieted down to sniffles and hiccups and the occasional whimper as my trembling and heaving finally eased away into a limp tiredness. I felt exhausted but in a way different than the past couple days. I felt lighter and the more Dick spoke gently the lighter and more relaxed I felt,all the pain easing as he banished every dark thought one by one.

“ You ARE a hero Gracie.”

“ you aren’t a skeleton or a scarecrow or a twig.”

“ You are not too bony.”

“ You’re beautiful.”

“ You aren’t sick and you don’t need any doctors.”

“ You’re ok. The way your body works and retains weight naturally is not your fault.”

“ You’re only thirteen you’re still growing kiddo.”

“ I was scrawny and thin until I was at least sixteen Gracie its not that uncommon.”

“ You do NOT have to hold yourself to stupid human beauty standards.”

“ You’re beautiful to us, that’s all that matters.”

“ You’re ok, you have us.”

Each and every statement cleared my mind and I slumped against him with tears still falling down my cheeks. His hand carefully cupped the back of my neck in a soothing gesture to ease the wolf side of me, adding a very small amount of pressure to ensure the sense of security and safety the movement brought. I whispered out a hoarse thank you, my throat sore and raw but already beginning to heal. He smiled into my hair and I let my eyes slip shut in contentment. I felt...stabilized, as if the whole world had been constantly tilted dangerously under my feet for months and now it had finally been returned to normal, balancing me once again.

I felt a second, no technically third, hand tangle itself into my thick and greasy hair and ruffle it affectionately, fingers tangling themselves in the dark chestnut locks.

“ We’re always here for you kid. Whether you like it or not. You can be honest and confide in your inner circle Gracie. We aren’t going to look at you any differently...so next time don’t keep your mouth shut.” My nerves settled and I leaned into his hand with a loud hiccup, making him snort. I looked up and saw both older men smiling down at me, both with their own kind of soft expressions. I rubbed my eyes and wiped my nose and smiled back shakily, feeling like everything was going to be ok for the first time in a long while.

I learned a few things a few hours later, after I’d fallen asleep in Dicks arms and woke up on the couch out in the Tower’s game room with Garfield and Jaime looking after me. My head was resting on Garfield’s leg and he had his elbow rested on my upper arm comfortably as he and Jaime played some kind of two player video game, keeping their voices lower than usual to be considerate of me sleeping. Opening my eyes was difficult as they felt dry and crusted and stung from crying so much. But my throat was no longer sore. When they saw I was awake they paused the game and and told me they were happy I was up, as I had been out cold for at least a solid couple hours. That was when I learned the first thing : Dick and Kori had informed the team of the incident at the restaurant after the first day I stayed locked up in my room, and Garfield had let it slip in his rage that he thought I had finally stopped getting those comments, and confessed that I’d been getting bullied and harassed about my appearance online for months. What I found out was all those months what I failed to notice was Garfield fighting back on my behalf every chance he got. He defended me, constantly called people out for harassment and even worked on getting some of the worst and most aggressive ones banned. For months he’d been do it as relentlessly as he could, filling his own social medias with both our pictures and his constant defense and positivity towards me to fight it back. It got lost in my own comment section so I stupidly didn’t realize. It warmed my heart knowing he’d kept my back even when I never noticed or mentioned it, though he waved it off and just gave me his big old smile telling me it wasn’t that big a deal,

“ After all, you’d do the same for me in a heartbeat!” And he wasn’t wrong. But I still hugged him tight in thanks anyway, an embrace he happily returned as he warned me next time I lied about being harassed there’d be hell to pay.

I assured him there wasn’t going to be a next time anymore and for the first time in months finally wholeheartedly meant it.

The second thing I learned was Jaime told me during those first two days I was locking myself away Damian had gone back to the restaurant and used Bruce’s name to hunt that guy that had been harassing me down and gotten a few hefty harassment charges and minor endangerment charges slapped onto the guy, throwing in a sob story of how I was now in emergency care in the hospital because of him. I knew he didn’t throw his last name around often, didn’t exactly like having to do so to be taken seriously. The fact he did for me…

I had a lot more feelings for Damian after that knowledge.

The third thing I learned was that the only reason Dick and Kori hadn’t come by to check on me yesterday was was because they spent the entire time hunting for Jason to get his help with getting me out, and when they DID find him he stormed for the tower and made it there before they did somehow, he was that angry.

As they were telling me this and retelling a very tense video call between Nightwing and Batman during the second day Damian came in in his full Robin attire, regarding us stoically. When I saw him I stood and the room quieted as I approached him, the both of us observing each other. When we stood a foot apart I stared into his masked eyes quietly and he looked into my tired eyes. I saw his mouth start to open to speak and my body lurched forward without me, hugging onto him tightly.

“Thank you...you didn’t have to do that for me thank you thank you thank you…” He was quiet and I was about to let go and move away when I felt his arm come around me and grip the back of my shirt, returning the embrace. Neither of us was at a point that we were really physically affectionate by any means but my heart swelled when he hugged me back, leaning his head against my own and allowing me to bask in the warmth of his arms and his scent. When I felt him roll his shoulders I took that as my cue and slowly pulled away, gently pressing a kiss to his cheek as I did before retreating back to give him his space.

I think I saw his cheek flare pink but I’ll never say for sure because that would mean admitting just how red my own cheeks were.

I’d love to say that after that everything ended happily and perfectly and things went great forever and ever. But I cant, life doesn’t work like that.

But things did get better.

I was under heavy supervision several weeks, with almost stricter watches on my food intake to make sure I didn’t try to over eat or try to force weight gain. Bruce had me stay with him and Damian for a few weeks as well to make sure I didn’t slip back into that dark place. It was a bit smothering at times...but in all honesty I welcomed the smothering because I knew it meant how much they all cared. And staying with Bruce again...it brought up my mood believe it or not. Being in the manor brought back happier memories of my childhood and seeing the man I considered a fatherly figure more often perked me up. Plus I got to see Tim a lot more than usual in those few weeks, a perk and joy all in itself as he kept me company when he wasn’t too busy with his work. Tim was also the one who disabled all comments on my social medias one calm rainy evening in the lounge. I was grateful and he patted my head after as he read his case files. I think I might’ve fallen asleep against him, I cant say I fully remember. With each passing week I felt better and better. It took a long time for my self esteem and confidence to rebuild itself, but it got some jump starts. Perhaps the best part was two months later after a sparring session with Kori. She was giving me tips on striking with a staff when Dick and the big bad bat Brucie himself walked in.

“ Batman? Has something happened?” He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder.

“ I’m going to borrow Gracie for a few minutes.” Dick gently took her hand and smiled as he whispered something to her as he led me out of the training room and placed a long bottle of what looked like red chewy vitamins into my hand. When I looked up at him confused he gave me some of the best news of my life.

“ These are specially created vitamins designed to accommodate your body’s inhuman metabolism. Tim helped me create them. They're designed to help regulate fats and carb distribution in your body and allow your body to hold onto and gain more weight without immediately burning it off. Take one every week and in a few months you should be up at least one weight class if not more as long as you keep to your regular healthy eating habits, just like you wanted. By Tim’s calculations within the year you should gain enough weight to have a thicker figure, though you may always retain this thinner “ballet-ques” figure...you will more closely resemble the figure of girls your age.” I stared up at him then at the vitamins and sniffled, fighting off tears of joy. All those weeks with Tim and his seemingly just curious questions about my species and their anatomy...the “ case files”...I owed Tim a lot for this.

“ It was Dick’s idea, after all that happened two months ago.” The softer tone brought a smile to my face and I nodded, barely restraining the urge to hug Bruce while he was in the cowl.

“ T-thank you...thank you this means more to me than you know…” He nodded and turned to leave but I caught the ghost of a smile on his face as he walked away.

And once he had I ran back into the training room and tackled Dick to the ground with a ecstatic howl, shifting mid leap into wolf form and licking his face in gratitude, making him laugh as he lazily tried to push away my affection.

I started taking them that day, and it took a few months for a noticeable difference to take place, but it did. My clothes and uniform stopped hanging off me like a walking scarecrow and I started developing the beginning of a feminine figure. I stopped trying to stuff my face too much at every meal and with every week after my self esteem raised back up a little higher. Maybe people saw it in the big, wide crooked smiles in pictures of me now, no matter who they were with. Or maybe the team saw it in the fact I stopped trying to hide my body in layers of clothes, walking around in my favorite tank top after missions instead of over sized sweatshirts and shirts, or the fact I didn't mind sudden pictures taken of me. Regardless it showed and in time I was more than happy to show off that confidence. Throughout it all Jason made near constant visits between jobs to make sure I didn’t have too major of setbacks and Dick stayed by my side as often as he could, supporting me and being a physical reminder almost that I was never alone.

And I didn't feel alone.

And one day as I was getting ready for an outing I paused in front of the mirror and looked at myself, looked at my slightly more filled out tank top and the small curve of slightly more defined hips and an actually fairly filled out stomach, a fuller figure to match my broader than normal shoulders. I slowly looked into my own eyes and after a moment I began to smile.

Somehow….I didn't hate looking into the mirror as much as I used to.

“ I do not look that bad. I look fine.”

“ Gracie c’mon you coming? C’mon the others are gonna leave without us!”

I smiled at my reflection wider before running off out of the room after Jaime’s voice.

“ Im coming!!”

I dont look that bad.

And now I could finally start to see that.

The end.

OOOOOOOH ITS FINALLY DONE ITS FINALLY DONE! 

Ive been working on this for three months now and it was really difficult to finish. Originally it wasnt supposed to be so angsty but...it turned out really angsty at the end.

@phantommoonpeople

@kid-crashed

@call-me-n0ni-chan

Tagging those I know will want to read this

I hope you all like it!!

#My writing #oneshot #dc #dc comics #dc oc #Gracie lucio #dick grayson #Jason Todd #Tim Drake #Damian Wayne #bruce wayne #garfield #jaime reyes #koriand'r #raven #damian x oc #nightwing #redhood #Red Robin #robin #starfire #beast boy #blue beetle #ANGST AND FLUFF #angsty #hurt/comfort #happy ending #trigger warning #tw: body image #tw: body shaming

[cconcerned]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My mom ;w;

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Not rlly anyone-

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Depends. If work then no, if just hanging out then i think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

‘‘I like’‘ friend: probaly. ‘‘I like’‘ crush: idk

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

outgoing ppl and taht just like memes and gaming. Dont know really

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my older, middle brother 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

little bit

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Mom

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Just some pics or text: 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Musical songs. Mostly Heathers 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Not really. I have hair that is greasy 24/7. So the person would probaly be grossed out before they touch it

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Ye

15. What good thing happened this summer?

summer sucks so badly- but I guess.....I- dont know actually

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

V i r g i n  l i p s. never kissed before 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Nah

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

nope, I told him and after years of being good/best friends we stopped talking

19. Do you like bubble baths?

absolutely

20. Do you like your neighbors?

dont have them. Or I just never talk to them

21. What are you bad habits?

This is kinda embarassing but thumb sucking. like a baby. Also nail biting

22. Where would you like to travel?

Japan or China

23. Do you have trust issues?

Eh, idk

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sitting behind my computer

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My face

26. What do you do when you wake up?

think about life and lay there for 30 mins

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker. Im an marshmellow now

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My older youngest brother

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Ye, suprisingly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Probaly yes

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

I think it has to say ‘‘Is’‘, so yeah, it is

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Intresting question- I dont keep in touch with the new celebrities so idk. 

33. Spell your name with your chin.

oh god- Ill just use my nickname ppl know me as, not my real one:

RfdIkVERf     -  River

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I have worse condition then an snail

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

without tv. Dont watch it. Also you have youtube

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Ye. I like someone now but I am to afraid to tell them

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Nothing

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Likes gaming, horror, memes, and is overal an nice guy to talk to

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Outside? You want me dead?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Probaly go into game design

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on what they done

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Im being myself

43. Do you smile at strangers?

If I try to smile I look like I am dissapointed in them or angry

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outer space. 

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Remembering I have youtube vids to watch and I have books to read

46. What are you paranoid about?

the things I dont know

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nah

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Yeah. So I aint going to tell it

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yeah, constantly

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My face

53. Favourite makeup brand?

I dont do makeup

54. Favourite store?

Dont go to stores

55. Favourite blog?

Cant think of anything on the top of my head. Too many

56. Favourite colour?

Purple or black

57. Favourite food? 

Brocoli or something unhealthy like hamburgers

58. Last thing you ate?

chocolate cereal

59. First thing you ate this morning?

chocolate cereal

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yeah. Won a playback competition in 4th grade of elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Never been

62. Been arrested? For what?

Im too much of an pussy to do something to get myself arrested

63. Ever been in love? 

Of course

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Mk. It all started when I was an baby and my mom kissed me on the head

65. Are you hungry right now?

Just ate

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Dont have tumblr friends, (Or real friends)

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

I guess I only have one, Roksana. 

71. Craving something? What?

Chocolate milk

72. What colour are your towels?

blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

around 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

over 100 probaly

75. Favourite animal?

Bears or cats

76. What colour is your underwear?

Light pink- dont judge me goddamnit

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Chocolate

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white with pink and black hearts. Stfu

80. What colour pants?

same as shirt, Im in pyjama

81. Favourite tv show?

Tanked

82. Favourite movie?

UhHHhh Osomatsu san the movie probaly, not sure yet.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Never seen both but I think I like Mean Girls from what ive seen and heard

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Uhhhh- hard to pick favorites

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

random, but Dory

87. First person you talked to today?

My older middle brother

88. Last person you talked to today?

Its morning-

89. Name a person you hate?

Alexia

90. Name a person you love?

Roksana

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

100% 24/7 yes

92. In a fight with someone?

Have been.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

around 3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

7

95. Last movie you watched?

uhhhhhhhh-- shit I dont watch movies

96. Favourite actress?

dont have one

97. Favourite actor?

dont have one

98. Do you tan a lot?

Eh

99. Have any pets?

ye

100. How are you feeling?

could be better, could be worse

101. Do you type fast?

ye

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

of course I do

103. Can you spell well?

Depends if Im rushing: not

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Ye

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Probaly once

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Mhm

108. What should you be doing?

Getting ready to go meet someone

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Nah

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Nada

111. Do you have trust issues?

Isnt this question asked before?

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Mom

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Never had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yeah

115. Do you play the Wii?

Used to

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Never tried it

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Kinda

119. Favourite book?

Warrior Cats

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Pretty spoopy shit

121. Are you mean?

I dunno

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Nope

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Waste of time when they are going to be dirty again by the next day

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Never thought of it.

125. Do you believe in true love?

Probaly not

126. Are you currently bored?

YEah

127. What makes you happy?

Spending time with myself

128. Would you change your name?

Mhm

129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra

130. Do you like subway?

Never tried it

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Think about life and what to do

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

This has been asked before

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Blue from Heathers

134. Can you count to one million?

Yeah but I aint gonna try

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Alot, hard to pick one

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Open

137. How tall are you?

around 5′7

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Blonde

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

January

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

Neither

146. Was today a good day?

Dont know yet, only morning

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

‘‘Bruh’‘ i think not sure

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Ye

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

dont have an book next to me

I like to answer these ok dont judge-

[angelixii]

1-140 (anything you haven't answered already) - Felix

Oh, hello! Thanks for the ask!! 💕

3 fears - Spiders (I get frightened when I think about them) heights (slightly) and the public (anything like murder, kidnapped, ya know stupid people)

 3 Things I love - Music, Idols, and animals

 2 Turns on - ig Hats (like snapbacks) and glasses

 2 Turns off - oof I don’t really know.. ig self absorbed or a fudge boy

 My best friend - C: @straykids-sk (wuv you)

 How tall am I - 5′2

 What do I miss right now - My cat that passed away :c (her name was P.J)

 Favourite color - Blue, red, and sometimes green

 Do I have a crush - no not really

 Favourite place - my home

 What am I listening to right now - theres a website called asoftmurmur.com and it has noises like rain or waves and stuff like that

 Shoe size - pretty sure 10 in US womens

 Eye color - brown

 Hair color - light-ish brown

 Meaning behind my URL - I chose Felix cause hes my bias wrecker and hes angelic C:

 Favourite song - Theres like a million but 5SOS’s She Looks So Perfect wil always be a favorite (idk why)

 Favourite band - Ill just chose Stray Kids cause I don’t wanna write them all out

 How I feel right now - kinda tired but ig ok

 Someone I love - Ill say my best fren Georgia (@straykids-sk) cause i wuv her

 My current relationship status - single and i kinda wanna stay that way for a while

  My relationship with my parents - We all live in the same house and its just us (I have one other sister but she moved out. But shes here a lot tho) and we all get along well

 Favorite season - probably Spring c:

 Tattoos and piercing I have - none and I don’t really want any

 Tattoos and piercing I want - ^^^

The reasons I joined Tumblr - Georgia wanted me to and I thought it would be fun (I was right c:)

 Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - no :/

 Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - oh heel no she my best fren I would never

 How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - when I have school like 20 minutes at max

 Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? - I did today

 Where am I right now? - at my house on my laptop c:

 Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - reasonable level cause I’ve always had ear problems and they are sensitive (even tho I always have my earbuds in)

 Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - yup

 Am I excited for anything? - not that I can think of no

 Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - nope :/

 How often do I wear a fake smile? - not THAT often

 If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - oooof I don’t think I could answer that question

 What do I think about most? - probably k-pop

 Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Definitely behind

 What was the last lie I told? - It was kinda a joke but “i’ll do it because im the good child”

 Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - Eh depends on who it is but facetiming/video chatting

 Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - ghosts kinda and aliens, I mean sure we’ve barely discovered space, who knows whats out there

 Do I believe in magic? - sometimes yeah

 Do I believe in luck? - I mean yeah

 What’s the weather like right now?- theres nothing really going on

 What was the last book I’ve read? - uhhhhhh fully on my own (not in class)? The Maze Runner Scorch Trials

 Do I have any nicknames? - Kassadoodle, Kassidilla, Kassy

 Do I spend money or save it? - I’m trying to save as much as I can rn in my little money jar c:

 Can I touch my nose with a tounge? - nah

 Favourite animal? - Lions and Fennec Foxes

 What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - uhhh im pretty sure saying goodbye to Georgia on video chat

 What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - oo um I cant really think of one rn :/

 What is my favorite word? - yeet

 My top 5 blogs on tumblr (not in any order)

@honeylixs

@zoxsu

@tinyfigureskater

@stray-kids-dork

@straykidsmate

 If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - I probably wouldn’t say anything cause im shy and afraid people would judge me on what I say c:

 Do I have any relatives in jail? -not that I know of

What is my current desktop picture? - a pic of Bts

Had sex? Bought condoms? Gotten pregnant? Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Had job? Smoked weed? Smoked cigarettes? Drank alcohol?

no to ALL those questions C:

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - nope don’t think I could ever

Been overweight? - …

Been underweight? - no.

Gotten my heart broken? - nah

Been to prom? - nope

Been in airplane? - nope and I never want to really

Learned another language? - I take required (cause im one of the more intelligent kids in school. I know shocker right?) Spanish classes in school but im on summer break so I dont remember any c:

Wore make up?- nope

Dyed my hair? - nope

Had a surgery? - plenty of ear surgery and had my tonsils removed

Met someone famous? - nope

Stalked someone on a social network? - nope

Been fishing? - no but my dad has always wanted to take me and it sounds kinda fun

Been rejected by a crush? - nope never really had one and if I did I would never have the guts

What do I want for birthday? - ooo idk but i have to wait till next year anyway cause its already passed

Do I like my handwriting? - sometimes when my hand cooperates

Where do I want to live when older? - with my girl Georgia

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? - nope ima good child (yeah ok suuureee)

What I’m really bad at - running :/

What my greatest achievments are - managing to keep straight A’s and I dont even study cause im online so

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me - “u bird cage” - Georgia c;

What I’d do if I won in a lottery - ooooooooof idk

What do I like about myself - uhhhhh heh ig my hair or eyes/eyelashes

My closest Tumblr friend - Georgia (yes I do know her irl but shes honestly the closet tumblr friend I have so)

Any question you’d like? - hmm idk

Are you outgoing or shy? - definitely shy, unless with people im close to then quite crazy

What kind of people are you attracted to? - funny, cute and nice people

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - hA no

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - kinda

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - oof idk

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “ohhhh no XDD” (sent to Georgia)

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - (I already answered this question and don’t wanna answer again)

Do you like it when people play with your hair? - yes I love when freinds at school did (once we were watching a movie in Spanish and my friend next to me was playing with my hair and I almost fell asleep heh)

Do you think there is life on other planets? - totally

Do you like bubble baths? - I haven’t had one in forever

Do you like your neighbors? - only one cause I think im related to them somehow or they are to like my uncle

Where would you like to travel? - out of this hell hole country c:

Favorite part of your daily routine? - checking my tumblr and stanning talent

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - stomach

What do you do when you wake up? - check my notifications on my phone

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - I wish it was more tan than it is (im quite pale)

Do you ever want to get married? - yeah

If your hair long enough for a pony tail? - yes but I hate pony tails so I never do it (I used to all the time as a kid)

Would you rather live without TV or music? - I rarely watch t.v anymore and listen to music almost all day so

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - I mean yeah

What are your favorite stores to shop in? - I dont really have one for clothes but I do like Walmart

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - I mean sometimes

Do you smile at strangers? - If the smile at me first yeah

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - not that I can remember no

Ever wished you were someone else? - no (as much as I hate myself no)

Favorite makeup brand? - son;t wear any so I dont got one

Last thing you ate? - a Reese cup

Ever won a competition? For what? - not a big one I can remeber no

Ever been in love? - c:

Facebook or Twitter? - dont have a fb and i barely use twitter anymore but twitter

Twitter or Tumblr? - DEFINITELy tumblr

Are you watching tv right now? - i mean its always on for bg noise and light so ig so

What color are your towels? - all kinds of colors

Favorite ice cream flavor? - either Strawberry with out the strawberries or cookie dough

First person you talked to today? - my mom

Last person you talked to today? - Georgia

Name a person you hate? - C: theres too many

Name a person you love? - once again, theres too many

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - C: theres too many

Do you tan a lot? - I barely go outside so thats a no

Have any pets? - too many

Do you type fast? - I mean kinda yeah

Do you regret anything from your past? - everything XD

Ever broken someone’s heart? - I highly doubt it

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - C:

Is cheating ever okay? - hell no

Do you believe in true love? - I mean sure

What your zodiac sign? - Pisces

Do you believe in ghosts? - why is this question on here twice?

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou) - “…but not at all overwhelming, the balance of the different fragrances was subtle and flawless.” Twilight - Breaking Dawn (Do NOt ask me why thats the closest book its not mine and ive never read it and i NEVER plan on it)

oof that took like two hours heh.. its now currently 2:18am. and im very tired

but thanks for the ask anyway love! Im sorry for the wait! I was busy today. But im probably going to go to bed now

#oof #anon ask #thanks for the ask love #love you anon #c: #this whole post looks like a mess I’m sorry

[hoekage-chan]

You should answer all the hella cute questions

yall about to learn so much about me

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? -uhh someone i went on a date w yesterday lmao2. Are you outgoing or shy? -im pretty outgoing, i only seem shy since i dont want to be cringey lol3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? -my friends ig lmao4. Are you easy to get along with? -yes! i love talking to people5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? -probs not, but like im not close enough to ask that of them, and im gucci w that6. What kind of people are you attracted to? -stylish, confident, funny, good taste in music, seems like they would ruin my life7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? -bih i dont know i always find myself in something so maybe8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? -yee some guy i went out w friday c:9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? -nope im an open book10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? -probably my friends lmao (shout out to the 24hr diner ty for letting us just get fries and soda everytime)11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? -BIH I KNOW OMG IM DEAD12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? -glow like dat, faygo dreamns, killamonjaro, need you, love me13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? -yes omg easiest way to get me whipped lmao14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? -yes!15. What good thing happened this summer? -i met up w all my friends again16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? -uhh some guy i went out w yesterday lol17. Do you think there is life on other planets? -yah the world is too big for it to just be us18. Do you still talk to your first crush? -nope! i dont even know what has happened to them19. Do you like bubble baths? -yes. bath life is the best life20. Do you like your neighbors? -i dont kno my neighbors21. What are you bad habits? -i respond rlly late to things22. Where would you like to travel? -japan, korea, places w good food23. Do you have trust issues? -yah lmao that shit gets thrown in my face24. Favorite part of your daily routine? -my makeup! only reason i get up25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? -everything26. What do you do when you wake up? -regret having an 9am class or regret staying up lmao27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? -uhh either tbh, i just dont rlly like the tone in general28. Who are you most comfortable around? -my friends c: i hang out w them for a reason29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? -lmfao nope 30. Do you ever want to get married? -kinda... i wouldnt mind it31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? -yeeeeeee32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? -... michael b jordan for sure and uhh maybe chris hemsworth??33. Spell your name with your chin. -no34. Do you play sports? What sports? -i used to swim but i just lift now35. Would you rather live without TV or music? -tv omg ill die w out my playlist36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? -ALL THE TIME 37. What do you say during awkward silences? -anything so they dont feel awkward38. Describe your dream girl/guy? -nice, big dick energy, good taste in music, warm in general lol39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? -f21, h&m, khols, target40. What do you want to do after high school? -well i went to college so theres that41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? -sometimes they do, but if they hurt u rlly badly then maybe its best they dont42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? -im tired, high, thinking, or confused43. Do you smile at strangers? -yeee44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? -bottom of the ocean omg45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? -the fear of failing another class46. What are you paranoid about? -my life in general47. Have you ever been high? -yes48. Have you ever been drunk? -yes49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? -not really lmao50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? -navy blue51. Ever wished you were someone else? -sometimes i do52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? -uhh everything lol53. Favourite makeup brand? -juvias place54. Favourite store? -........... i actually dont kno lmao55. Favourite blog? -... imma be real i dont even kno who i follow anymore tbh56. Favourite colour? -green57. Favourite food? -spam58. Last thing you ate? -rice59. First thing you ate this morning? -water60. Ever won a competition? For what? -if i did it was a swim competition61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? -nope im a good noodle62. Been arrested? For what? -nope63. Ever been in love? -yah64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? -i inv my friend to come over, we chill at my house, he asks if we can do something friends dont normally do, we kissed and then we did other stuff >:)65. Are you hungry right now? -not rlly lol66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? -nah lmao 67. Facebook or Twitter? -twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr? -tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? -nope70. Names of your bestfriends? -i dont put names on the internet lmao71. Craving something? What? -spam72. What colour are your towels? -like a teal/sea green color72. How many pillows do you sleep with? -273. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? -yes 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? -5 for sure at my apartment and at least 5 back home75. Favourite animal? -sea otters76. What colour is your underwear? -blue/white77. Chocolate or Vanilla? -choloclate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? -chocolate or matcha79. What colour shirt are you wearing? -.......... 80. What colour pants? -........................81. Favourite tv show? -golden girls82. Favourite movie? -uhh i guess either to all the boys i loved before or the breakfast club83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? -mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? -mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? -all too iconic to choose from86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? -crush87. First person you talked to today? -my snap streaks88. Last person you talked to today? -welp days not over yet so....89. Name a person you hate? -i dont rlly hate anyone rn90. Name a person you love? -my friends!! they deserve everyting91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? -dumbass bitches92. In a fight with someone? -nope miss me with that bs93. How many sweatpants do you have? -294. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? -too many95. Last movie you watched? -into the spiderverse96. Favourite actress? -kiera knightly97. Favourite actor? -michael b jordan98. Do you tan a lot? -not anymore99. Have any pets? -i have a doggo back home100. How are you feeling? -fucking cold omg101. Do you type fast? -probably lmao102. Do you regret anything from your past? -yah but i try not to dwell on it103. Can you spell well? -NOPE LMAO 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? -nah lmfao105. Ever been to a bonfire party? -nope but it seems fun106. Ever broken someone’s heart? -probably i can be p distant so i wouldnt put it past me107. Have you ever been on a horse? -yeee108. What should you be doing? -studying109. Is something irritating you right now? -the fact im a bitchass lmao110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? -a couple times111. Do you have trust issues? -yah like i answered eariler112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? -my friends (at the diner lmfao)113. What was your childhood nickname? -shark bait, mosquito bait114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? -yeee115. Do you play the Wii? -used too116. Are you listening to music right now? -heck yeah i got a 15hr playlist on rn117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? -not rlly118. Do you like Chinese food? -yeee119. Favourite book? -uhhh its basic but animal farm (or maybe to all the boys i loved before)120. Are you afraid of the dark? -not rlly121. Are you mean? -nah i cant do it, but i feel like some would see me being distant/roasty as mean tho soooo122. Is cheating ever okay? -depends on the context of everything123. Can you keep white shoes clean? -barely124. Do you believe in love at first sight? -yes125. Do you believe in true love? -yes! i believe everyone has a soulmate out there126. Are you currently bored? -kinda lmao127. What makes you happy? -cute things, blankets, music, food, my friends, cuddling128. Would you change your name? -nah, ive thought about it tho129. What your zodiac sign? -scorpiHOE130. Do you like subway? -its aight131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? -test the waters, you never kno what will happen132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? -my friends (at the diner lmao)133. Favourite lyrics right now? - gusto ko lang naman ang lambing mo (i want to kiss you)134. Can you count to one million? probs in japanese but ill loose focus (esp in english omg)135. Dumbest lie you ever told? -too many to choose from (and i dont wanna expose myself)136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? -closed137. How tall are you? -5′7″138. Curly or Straight hair? -either or139. Brunette or Blonde? -ive been both soooo140. Summer or Winter? -winter (but i like summer style)141. Night or Day? -night all the way142. Favourite month? -november (my bday month)143. Are you a vegetarian? -nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? -dark145. Tea or Coffee? -tea146. Was today a good day? -it was ok (it wasnt bad but it wasnt good)147. Mars or Snickers? -either148. What’s your favourite quote? -getchu a mans that treats you like a queen in the streets and a slave in the sheets149. Do you believe in ghosts? -yah and i dont fuck with them150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? -nope that shits a textbook and i dont want to look at it

damn that was a lot to type but uhh now yall know shit about me

[asomeonenamedjey]

can you answer all 150 in like a master post, you can take all the time you want, but honestly, I love knowing all that I can about my friends and people answering asks is like, my kink, so pls jey

 LETS DO THIS (under the cut)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with? my friend ellie

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? it would be nice to see my pal @imametaphwhore​

4. Are you easy to get along with? i guess so?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? idk most likely my friends 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? feminine boys when it comes to looks and pursinalety wise i tend to find myself attracted to ppl who seem ultra anxious

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? lmao no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ...no one really atleast not in a romantic sence

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really tbh

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend ellie...but it wasnt that

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what do you wanna eat that isnt pizza”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? the entire wintergatan and detektivbyran albums

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i liked it when it was long but ppl cant really do it anymore since its short but i love it so so much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? miracles? no luck..sure

15. What good thing happened this summer? i got out of a toxic friendship and i grew as a purson

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ...i think i kissed my mom a few weeks ago

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? yeah but not in the green human like thing with big black eyes sort of way

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? never had one

19. Do you like bubble baths? hell no

20. Do you like your neighbors? tbh i have no clue if i even have neighbors...

21. What are you bad habits? i actually tend to be really mean to others as a way to take out my anger in myself rather than properly managing self hatred and stuff..idk i know its bad and i want to stop =/

22. Where would you like to travel? germany!

23. Do you have trust issues? no but it takes me a long long time to warm up to someone

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? getting to watch wintergatan videos

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? idk tbh i actually dont mind my body much, i mean yeah it would be nice to look more masculen but i dont hate my body

26. What do you do when you wake up? to my desk where my computer is

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? aside from family? idk i recently got really confterble with my pals ellie its been a while since ive gotten so close to someone 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? again i never dated anyone

30. Do you ever want to get married? not really

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? a tiny tiny one near the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? ....idk im not really attracted to anyone in that sort of way

33. Spell your name with your chin. ujew7yu

34. Do you play sports? What sports? no..

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? without TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? never liked anyone period

37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing...

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? dont have one... jessie eisenberg is pretty though

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? tbh i really like looking around in toy stores...

40. What do you want to do after high school? im not sure i might make music i might do more art i might become a doctor..im not sure

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes but if you fuck it up you deserve nothing

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im not too loud in the first place but im probubly overwelmed

43. Do you smile at strangers? no

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? yes

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? wintergatan..

46. What are you paranoid about? that ppl just think im gross are only talk to me out of pitty

47. Have you ever been high? no but my sister has lmao

48. Have you ever been drunk? no but my sister has lmao

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? navy green

51. Ever wished you were someone else? quite a few times acttually haha

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was cis

53. Favourite makeup brand? dont like makeup

54. Favourite store? ...hot topic..i dont buy clothes from there though

55. Favourite blog? star-nebula

56. Favourite colour? desatuated blues and reds i hate greens, yellows, and oranges

57. Favourite food? spaghetti+bread

58. Last thing you ate? mashed potatos and potato salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? 3 hashbrowns

60. Ever won a competition? For what? rythmic gysnastics

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? no..

62. Been arrested? For what? stepping on my dogs foot...he yelped and i turned myself in

63. Ever been in love? no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never had one

65. Are you hungry right now? i just ate mashed potatos and potato salad

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? alot of my real friends are also my tumblr friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? hate both

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends? ellie emily and maka

71. Craving something? What? nothing

72. What colour are your towels? green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 body pillows and 1 small square one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no there annoying

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 3 but all of them are smol and on my shelf

75. Favourite animal? i like whales

76. What colour is your underwear? dark green

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? green tea

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants? grey

81. Favourite tv show? none atm

82. Favourite movie? why stop now

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? heathers

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? none

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? dont like the movie

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory

87. First person you talked to today? my mom

88. Last person you talked to today? my mom

89. Name a person you hate? fuckin ethan

90. Name a person you love? emily maka ellie charlie

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no im chill

92. In a fight with someone? no im chill

93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 4

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3

95. Last movie you watched? hethers

96. Favourite actress? dont have one

97. Favourite actor? as i said i like jesse eisenberg alot

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? 2 betta fish and an old dog i love them

100. How are you feeling? good alittle tired and a little bitter sweet

101. Do you type fast? i think so?

102. Do you regret anything from your past? toxic friendship i was in

103. Can you spell well? lmao no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? my uncle sam, he’s gone now though

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? probubly

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah her name was penelope

108. What should you be doing? studying german

109. Is something irritating you right now? idk im tired of most humans atm

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? ive wanted physical affection from someone so bad it hurt but nothing romantic

111. Do you have trust issues? no not really

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my friend grechen i think

113. What was your childhood nickname? birth name..nothing speacial

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? oh yeah 100%

115. Do you play the Wii? not anymore but i have one

116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? sorta

118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah

119. Favourite book? idk

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no but sometimes my imaganation gets the best of me

121. Are you mean? yes and i dont like it

122. Is cheating ever okay? no not ever

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? i cant keep black shoes clean take a lucky guess

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? no

126. Are you currently bored? not really

127. What makes you happy? music art wintergatan

128. Would you change your name? already did (not officaly but whatever)

129. What your zodiac sign? leo

130. Do you like subway? its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them im not into them and see what happens

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? i think i already answered this

133. Favourite lyrics right now? none right now

134. Can you count to one million? anyone can if they have the time

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “i didnt kick that kid” I WAS 6 OK SHUT UP

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? 5′3 i think

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? fall

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? dont have one april i guess

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? yeah

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? “Talent is totally overrated patience and hard work is all you need”

149. Do you believe in ghosts? no

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line “my death-wound fron the side whence i expecten no ill, and be safe on that where i looked for most danger”

[eggroll-sushi]

1-150 ask mem

first of all, fuc k yoou

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my mom??

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoing around friends

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

u

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i dont know, ive heard that no one really hates me but like i find it difficult to find someone who i actually enjoy talking to

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i dont really have any interest in anyone rn so... yes? id take care of myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

so far everyone that ive liked is a either a nerd or a pretty shitty person so like ,

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

in what way?? idk im still thinking of this oe guy he had his pants pulled up pretty high with a tight belt on and a big nose. im not thinking in a romantic way or anything i just... it was a weird combination. . ..his hair was ok i guess

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

uh yeah if its not in the brash or crude humor way

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“probably”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

killer - bastille, yeah i dont have any others that stand out particularly

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i have curly hair so we just both suffer if they try running their hands through... but if i had a romantic s/o i probably wouldnt mind bein petted

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yes? i think so

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i hung out with friends a lot.. .i think i dont remember

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah i lovemy mom

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

scary either way.. but the universe is pretty big so i guess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really theyre an asshole mostly

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i havent taken a bath in like 4 years.. but yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

we do not talk

21. What are you bad habits?

being rude and disrespectful and aggressive

22. Where would you like to travel?

europe.. japan.. idk

23. Do you have trust issues?

no

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping and eating

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

i really dont know.. its like an all around tie.. .

26. What do you do when you wake up?

brush teeth and wash face, change into outside wear if im going outside, lotion my face and put on mascara, make tea/breakfast

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

overall just smoother.. like a more even tone.. but darker i guess

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

y ou

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

ive dated.. once but i didn’t even like the guy.. i just said yes because it was like. .mmkfkucin 5th grade and then he broke up with me (i didnt care tbh) and then asked me back?? it was weird because he told me he was breaking up because he found.. someone hotter or something and they said if he dumped me they would date him and they didnt.. .it was wild tbh i dont really know why they did this it was like 6th grade. ......... ... .anyways

30. Do you ever want to get married?

theoretically, yes? but idk it seems exhausting and i cant grasp the concept of someone actually liking me for so long

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

fuck i dont know i dont really think about that buds

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gthhju-asnhhy

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

no unless robotics counts

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i just try to do something funny

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

nice, a kind person, likeable, liberal, ,

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

tjmaxx, marshalls, burlington. i go stright to that mf clearance section

40. What do you want to do after high school?

perferably die, but thats unlikely so i wanna go into a good college, make friends, get a decent job

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

my mind says yes but my heart says no

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

1) tired 2) mad 3) i cant/dont wanna make conversation 4) im just .. zoned out

43. Do you smile at strangers?

if they smile first

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

im fucking terrified of both

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

i have to go to school or i feel like shit

46. What are you paranoid about?

every time im disrespectful, aggressive, or really any action that i make

47. Have you ever been high?

no

48. Have you ever been drunk?

no

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

sure

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

it was a brownish orange (a coat with a hood)

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

ye

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

give myself a massive sponge dick

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont really wear makeup.. i like ChapStick

54. Favourite store?

tjmaxx

55. Favourite blog?

@eggroll-sushi​

56. Favourite colour?

orange? either a peachy orange or a borwnish orange. but i can appreciate a good palette

57. Favourite food?

id say pho but i like a lot of foods

58. Last thing you ate?

oreos and milk

59. First thing you ate this morning?

blueberry english muffin with honey butter

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

recently my team won a robotics comp

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

no

62. Been arrested? For what?

jesus no

63. Ever been in love?

no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

well ... my mo was telling me goonight-- (i havent had one)

65. Are you hungry right now?

yeah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tungle friends are also my irl friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter (i dont use either)

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr? i hate it tho

69. Are you watching tv right now?

n o

70. Names of your bestfriends?

you know who

71. Craving something? What?

food.. savory junk food........olives, nachos, ,,

72. What colour are your towels?

white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two, but i have 3 on my bed

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

i just keep em on my bed yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

4 on my bed (god bless your soul, okoshi, wherever you are) but like.. 10 total?

75. Favourite animal?

cat but i also like most animals

76. What colour is your underwear?

its currently gray

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

dark chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

blue moon

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black with white text

80. What colour pants?

shades of gray

81. Favourite tv show?

su? i dont really watch any others

82. Favourite movie?

the man from uncle movie/ kingsman

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls i guess

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

idk

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

starfish

87. First person you talked to today?

mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

you

89. Name a person you hate?

protein shake (jk)

90. Name a person you love?

my mother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

maybe

92. In a fight with someone?

im constantly in a fight

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

many, over 10

95. Last movie you watched?

Logan

96. Favourite actress?

janelle monae always looks stunning

97. Favourite actor?

uhhhhhhhhh dwayne is a friend

98. Do you tan a lot?

yes?

99. Have any pets?

no

100. How are you feeling?

sick

101. Do you type fast?

not really

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yes

103. Can you spell well?

yeah i guess

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah i suppose

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i went on a camping enrichment?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

no?

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah

108. What should you be doing?

studying for histry quiz

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yes

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no?

111. Do you have trust issues?

im pretty sure this was already asked

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

mom?

113. What was your childhood nickname?

ass (im still a kid, right?)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

when someone has one

116. Are you listening to music right now?

no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

harry potteR?

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes

121. Are you mean?

yes

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no. once i stepped in a massive puddle and got wet like halfway up my calf

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no

125. Do you believe in true love?

n..yes?

126. Are you currently bored?

yes

127. What makes you happy?

friends, having a good time, making people laugh

128. Would you change your name?

no

129. What your zodiac sign?

scorpio

130. Do you like subway?

yeah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

we would both suffer

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you (this is a repeat again)

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

//

134. Can you count to one million?

i could, yes

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

bro idk

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′4″?

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have curly hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

cant choose

142. Favourite month?

november

143. Are you a vegetarian?

no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

eh i guess

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“you’re like shaggy from scooby doo; always alone”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes? im scared of them so

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“’You will blow your eyes out,’ said Nwoye’s mother...” (Things Fall Apart)

#captaincreashion

[okwilliamson]

should be doing homework but im sexting my boy and answering survey questions

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? - ummm i really dont know, syd, seany, evie, luke or bae at home lol 

2. Are you outgoing or shy? - mostly shy but when something i want is in the sights i might as well be outgoing to get what i want 

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? - BAE 

4. Are you easy to get along with? - I think i am easy to get along with, i look mean at first i think and i have trouble controlling my facial expressions lmfao 

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? - yeah i think so 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? -  fucked up sad boys who will crush my heart / boys in general im straight af to clarify/ but boys with big lips and nice eyes / someone whos funny / someone who will watch shitty movies w me/ BUT if this is just about people in general im attracted to shit lords like myself 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - um actually maybe? 

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? - my bab 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - no i love talking about sex 

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - umm i have deep convos with everyone lol so probs today with syd and clayton 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? - ‘omw’ 

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - oh sheesh idk ive been listening to throwback shit from middle school and also hamilton 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?- honestly the thing i like most in the world 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? - luck yes, miracles not really bc i feel like that has a religious connotation 

15. What good thing happened this summer? -  i slept with someone new 

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - would i? yes...should i? not at all lol 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? - there has to be right 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? - bro what how would that even be possible 

19. Do you like bubble baths?- yeaaaa but never have the chance i dont have bathtubs in my dorm room 

20. Do you like your neighbors? - i dont even know my neighbors at all i know the girl next to me is named jackie and shes nice 

21. What are you bad habits? -  im a mess all the time like i dont clean up after myself, i dont even care if im living in trash ill just keep adding more trash to the pile. i dont shower enough lol, and im obsessive 

22. Where would you like to travel? -  anywhere!! i wanna go west 

23. Do you have trust issues? - yes kinda, i have a hard time being vulnerable with people bc i build up this wall to keep myself hard and safe away from potential sadness x d 

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? - umm makeup probably :) 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - probs my double chin lmfao but i can take selfies and look good anyways 

26. What do you do when you wake up? - i like have to pee as soon as i wake up 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? -  im good with my skin tone tbh but it would be nice to be able to tan vs burn 

28. Who are you most comfortable around? - syd, evie, luke, mik, bella, my sister 4 sure, 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? -  no lol 

30. Do you ever want to get married? - ummm idk im not really like super hype to the idea but it could be cool 

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? -  ya girl has a buzz cut lol 

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? - wowwie idk 

33. Spell your name with your chin. - miss me w that 

34. Do you play sports? What sports? - literally no sports are like the least interesting thing in my opinion 

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? - shit idk thats so hard bc i use tv as like back ground noise a lot of the time but music helps me with everything else i cant choose 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - ummmm yes 

37. What do you say during awkward silences? - depends on why its awkward 

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? -  xd i dont need this 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? - lovesick, xxi?? thats about it oh and thrift stores!!!!! 

40. What do you want to do after high school? - bitc im doin it im in art school 

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?- yes for sure i give everyone a lot of chances 

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? - im sick/sad/angry lol

43. Do you smile at strangers? - i try to 

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? - outer space 

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? - classes bb 

46. What are you paranoid about?- money all the time 

47. Have you ever been high? - yes lol 

48. Have you ever been drunk? - also yes 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - ummmmmm yikes idk no not really 

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? - green 

51. Ever wished you were someone else? - i used to but not recently 

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? - work ethic 

53. Favourite makeup brand? - sheesh i think jeffree star cosmetics & lime crime 

54. Favourite store? - not sure 

55. Favourite blog? - probs claudias 

56. Favourite colour?- pink 

57. Favourite food? - pizza i think 

58. Last thing you ate? - pizza lol

59. First thing you ate this morning?- i didnt eat this morning 

60. Ever won a competition? For what? - no i dony think so 

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?- nah 

62. Been arrested? For what?- nope 

63. Ever been in love? - i believe so! i fall in love with people all the time lol 

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?- i was in 8th grade and his name was garrett and he was my first bf ever and we kissed on my front porch it was very cliche 

65. Are you hungry right now? - for the first time in a while actually yes 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? - literally no i dont really have tumblr friends 

67. Facebook or Twitter? - twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr? - this is tough bc i frequent both but probs tumblr 

69. Are you watching tv right now? - nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? - claudia, syd, evie, luke, mik, bella 

71. Craving something? What? - HUMMUS 

72. What colour are your towels? - one is like peachy and the other one is purple but i never use that one bc i cleaned up fruit juice off the floor w it and never cleaned it lol 

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? - a lot like 3 pillows and i use blankets as like body pillows for that snuggly vibe 

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - just one hello kitty lol 

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? - total i have quite a few but i dont bring them to school with me 

75. Favourite animal? - ummm i really dont know tbh 

76. What colour is your underwear? - black 

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla for ice cream / chocolate for like cupcakes or cake 

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? - tbh mint choco chip or phish food by ben and jerrys 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? - currently just chilling in my bra fam 

80. What colour pants? - black leggings lol 

81. Favourite tv show? - right now the office for sure / but also my 600 lb life 

82. Favourite movie? -  i have so many , django unchained, perks of being a wallflower, across the universe, i lowkey love the twilight series?? idk im not well versed in classic film just shitty films that have a special place in my heart 

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? - this is an ugly quest but the original mean girls 4 sure 

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? - mean girls lmao 

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? -janice lol 

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? - bro idk finding nemo is not something i think about a lot lolol but probs the badass fish jawn w his ripped up fin 

87. First person you talked to today?- my sister 

88. Last person you talked to today?- just now syd 

89. Name a person you hate? - donald trump 

90. Name a person you love? - claudia <3 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - um not currently except maybe if my illness was personified then i would punch that bitch 

92. In a fight with someone? - i dont fight w people lol 

93. How many sweatpants do you have? - literally 1 pair i think 

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? - SO many lol 

95. Last movie you watched? - twilight last night lol 

96. Favourite actress? - hmmm, i love charlize theron, kristen stewart but not bc of twilight her other movies are fire 

  97. Favourite actor? i love tom hardy, eddie redmayne, john boyega 

98. Do you tan a lot?- not at all 

99. Have any pets?  - one cat named Bo 

100. How are you feeling? - kinda shit but ok 

101. Do you type fast? - pretty fast, working in call centers get ur typing skills on fleek lol 

102. Do you regret anything from your past? - a few things of course but at the same time whats the point in regretting things you know, it just gives you more baggage to carry around and that shit sucks 

103. Can you spell well? - for the most part i think but sometimes shits questionable lol 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? - ummm no not really 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? - yes i have it was a strange experience 

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? - no way bruh people break my heart all the time tho it seems lol 

107. Have you ever been on a horse? - yes but i was like 8 i think i was sooo young 

108. What should you be doing? - im chillin 

109. Is something irritating you right now? - BEING SICK  

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - yessssss 

111. Do you have trust issues? - not so much trust issues but i have a hard time putting my walls down for people 

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? - ummm syd and luke hahah 

113. What was your childhood nickname? - liv, livy, liver, livy loo ( my mom calls me this when shes salty at me) my dad has always called me scooter crunch i have no idea what thats from, or any variation sometimes its just scooter and recently he called me scooter mc crunchy and that was even a lot for me lol , oh and olive!! 

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? - yes ive been out of ohio but not to anywhere very exciting 

115. Do you play the Wii? - i did once upon a time 

116. Are you listening to music right now? - yes frank ocean’s blond album 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?- i mean its fine 

118. Do you like Chinese food? - i love it but only from like select places bc mediocre chinese is always kinda a let down 

119. Favourite book? - harry potter series, perks, sula, 

120. Are you afraid of the dark?- sadly yes 

121. Are you mean? - i am sometimes lol i cant even lie 

122. Is cheating ever okay? - i dont think so 

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? - dude no 

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? - this is always a question in these 

125. Do you believe in true love? - ofc 

126. Are you currently bored? - nah im cool 

127. What makes you happy? - makeup, photography, my friends, my sister 

128. Would you change your name? - no ive never thought of something that suits me more than olivia, which is why im cool with my nicknames 

129. What your zodiac sign? - scorpio 

130. Do you like subway? - as in sandwhiches yes lol 

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - i would be shocked lmfao 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - ummm idk ive been kind of mia recently from being sick but probs syd 

133. Favourite lyrics right now? - the whole wiped out album by the neighbourhood 

134. Can you count to one million? - ive never tried and i probably never will but on principal yes i can count 

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? umm idk that im ok? i try not to lie about trivial things but if im sad or something and someone im not comfy w asks me about it ill just be like yeh im good 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? - closed i live in a dorm room lol 

137. How tall are you? -5′6 

138. Curly or Straight hair?- i have a buzz cut so neither 

139. Brunette or Blonde? - is this an opinion question bc i have blue hair so like 

140. Summer or Winter? - man im more of a fall/spring type 

141. Night or Day? - day i think 

142. Favourite month? - november but im really tired of my friends trying to kill themselves in my birthday month tbh LOL 

143. Are you a vegetarian? - no but maybe i should be so i wouldnt be so fucking sick all the time 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk 

145. Tea or Coffee? - i really like both 

146. Was today a good day? - my day hasnt even really started 

147. Mars or Snickers? - snickers i guess  148. What’s your favourite quote? - i dont really have one tbh 

149. Do you believe in ghosts? - yuh 

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? -  the only book i have with me is my science book and thats not interesting at all so lol imma skip this one 

#if you read all of these idk why #personal #questions and answers #for the lolz

[dreamsareforsleeping123]

RACE, is a very funny thing if you think about it. Like your born a certain color you have no control over and eventually it becomes the most important thing about you. So it's clear I feel I am caucasian. My mother is native and Canadian and my father is Cuban. However, since I dont really know my dad I dont have a lot of knowledge on my heritage. I will say though when its summer my skin gets pretty dark, and my eyes and hair are both real dark as well.

I was 7 when I had my first encounter with racism. My friends family had taken me to the store with them, my friend and I were the only ones who knew English though. I noticed one employee was following us around the whole time we had been in the store. Strange but I he worked there so I assumed he was doing stuff for work. Well he was our bagger as well. As we were checking out i guess him and the cashier assumed we all didnt apeak English and they started talking really bad about us. Saying stuff about their smell. Saying how stupid my hair looks and how a birds nest is nicer looking then it. They talked about how my friend and I had weird noses, and how they didnt think we would be much better them farm workers. I was so hurt but my friend told me to leave it alone so we dont have problems so I didnt say anything. As we were walking out though the bagger stopped us and made us empty our pockets. It was extremely embarrassing and I finally screamed at them and told them they were rude and that they shouldn't be working because they arent kind people. When I got home and told my mom she had mentioned that it's not my place to talk for people and that it's because they were Hispanic. So I thought about it and I realized my siblings with different dads never had to worry about that. They had either blonde hair or blue eyes. I realized I was the only one with dark hair and who didnt look like my family. So when my brother added blonde streaks to his hair, I also added it to mine. I felt ashamed to be darker but I knew if I changed my hair I may look more like my siblings. I kept that attitude for 13 years later. Always dying my hair making it lighter or different. That way people wouldnt treat me the way they did that day. Even though from that day on I was worried when I went into stores. I was scared every time someone looked at me funny. I had no reason to but because of that day I felt like I didnt belong.

Once I got out of high school I decided to connect to my roots a bit more and dyed my hair back and learned more about my heritage. I started college over summer and in order to fix my car I took the bus to school and back each day to save money. Now maybe 3 weeks into me dying my hair back a new incident occurs. I get on the bus after my classes for a 3.5 hour bus ride back home. I had decided to use the time to do homework and finish my papers since I had that time before work. Well I have my textbook on my lap and my notepad on top of it. As we get more into town the seats start to fill up. To where now all the seats are full and some people are standing. So I let some guy into the inside seat since he was going further then I was. Well this old white lady had gotten on the bus and made her way to the back where i am. Now again. I am doing homework not paying much attention. Well she starts coughing to try and get my attention until I finally look up. Then she goes "are you going to give me your seat or what?" (Mind you I have another 2 hours left on the bus.) Since she was pretty rude, I choose to be rude back and said, "oh no I'm ok I have homework to do." So she comes back at me and goes "you know back in my day YOUR PEOPLE were glad to give up their seat." Well this got me going. So I look around and notice theirs only one black guy at the very front of the bus and then me and all these white people. So just to clarify I said like "what do you mean my people?" Now i notice the black guy at the front is really paying attention to us. So she goes "you know you dark skinned people, just let me sit down!" So I was mad and basically said like " well my people became educated and evolved i guess something you failed to do since your 60 and still riding the bus." Then told her I wasnt giving up my seat. So she tells the driver, who told her she cant make me move, which upset her more where she finally choose to get off. Well now I'm just upset when the black guy came up and thanked me for standing up to her. He told me about his struggles and said he was very encouraged by me holding myself the way I did and he left. I decided that day I was no longer going to be afraid to speak up to be myself. I knew that day how lucky I was that I havent had a lot of encounters, but I realized that day that many others go through those ignorant people everyday.

I am fortunate but I am not ok with that. I am not ok that I am treated differently then someone because of how we were born. I am outraged that people still feel like the lady and the bagger. I am outraged that people of color Hispanic Asian Blacks are being discriminated against and people arent fighting it. I know I will stand up for my fellow humans so that everyone gets the human rights they are born with! If you are not outraged you are the problem.

[survivorinternational]

Episode 2 - "I couldn't believe I heard God wrong the third time" - Sluggy

Jacob: I have no idea for the video Me: I have an idea Jacob: its shit oh okay... give us a better idea before you shut mine down would you? 

So for the past 2 days ever since we won the reward challenge and got the chance to get a clue to the hidden immunity idol, the info had been passed around among everyone in the tribe that it was on the beach. I was waiting for the next opportunity to search for the idol because I know everyone's gonna go for it, and today I was busy beforehand and couldn't search for it until 4 hours after the challenge. But the first day I came here God told me specifically it was at the beach and in the headlands, it just wasn't on the cliff. So i go there and search and search and i cant find it, and im about to give up... 

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...and something falls on my lap, I open it up and here it is. The hidden immunity idol. I couldn't believe I heard God wrong the third time. HAHA! I'm so grateful for this. After all the Asians having idols in the psst seasons of survivor man. 

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So this sucks but I have to keep this idol as hidden as possible even from my closest allies. It's gonna be a big target on my back and if its possible i dont want to use it all the way until the final time I can use it. So even though Michael and Jacob asked about it, I couldn't tell him and err I don't want to lie anymore so it's definitely tough :( Whatever it is I have to keep humble and continue to stay under the radar. 

This challenge will take a lot of confidence which I completely lack but I will do my best and everything what I am asked to. I am kinda pressuring Vilma into being the director/editor of this since I know she is into stuff like this but I might have put too much pressure. Will try to work something out better in that regard. 

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Ginger's constant bullying of the ghost of Emils will get him into deep shit.

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This challenge has been a real coller coaster for me. I hate filming myself in videos but seeing the confidence Vilma (and others) have is really inspiring. We are doing "Toy" by Netta which is a pretty fun song to lipsync to. I am not the best but I am having fun with it and getting some exercise in the meanwhile. I will still undoubtebly hate any of my bits but at least I have the courage to participate and do my best. 

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About hour of recording myself. I shall not edit it from a cringy mess into a slightly less cringy mess. Wish me luck.

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I do not know if it is because I am slightly slick but I am editing my clips into a more coherent structure and my stomach genuinely hurts from cringe

A week in and I received my 1st message from Dean/Dylan :D how lucky. I also have slightly more newfound time coming up in the next few days so I can spend more time building trust with Tyler, Stephen and Dean/Dylan

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I just saw Tyler's part in the music video. How can 1 man be that hot. Like wtf did he do to get those kinds of genetics. I'm so fucking jealous rn. This confessional will contain no actual substance, just me shit posting about how fuxking AWESTRUCK I am at this man. Go to 2:15 of our music video to see... Damn! 

Right so this day was um interesting. I highly doubt i'll cover all the boring ass t but watevs. Ok SO, we had our first cheeky little game talk with Michael who much to my recent surprise is like 33 years old. pop off grandpa. Love him tho. So we had a fun little chat about who we liked, highkey like Stephan the most but didnt want to say that cause he had already said Stephan seems distant, so i pretended i was chill with other people just to be fun :). ANYWAY, he wants to create a majority with Jacob and Dean but honestly like no, those kids r the REAL crackheads. I want to work with Sluggy and Stephan so it was a tee bit awkie for me. But i smiled and waved anyway cause thats ALL im good at. If Michael was to try and create a majority with those 4 i'd highkey flip 🤭. Dean was just... how to put this... slop, and im not having slop in my house MY APOLOGIES. While planning for the challenge he was annoying and then throughout the challenge he was annoying. OK SO i am NOT mean and this challenge is clearly AWKWARD for everyone and everyone is being out there BUT deans video... like i used two seconds of it. Im sorry my love i dont know how to introduce that pillow possession story line into the video... . I think half way through he needed a nap? and started having night terrors, geez i hope he's ok. RIGHT anyway. I finished the video, i hope my editing and also telling everyone that they're part was really helpful and easily the best will grant me safety regardless! O also Jacob told me the idol clue BUT i dont know whether to believe it or not   :((( so he says its at the beach, im like well what was the actual clue? was it cryptic? then he said 'you inhaled smoke and it was hidden there' wtf u mean THAT was the clue. Absolutely not, get that SLOP out of MY face. RIGHT but i looked at the beach anyway to NO PREVAIL. Michael and Jacob both told me where they looked tho ;) Throwback to last confessional where i didnt think i was making an in roads with people, well i THINK i could be much better off now! Jacob says he only really talks to Stephan which is GOOD because i want Dean out and i thought he was close to dean. Also Jacob starting having game talk to me which was a HOOT because i thought he DIDNT like me. obviously my piercing eyes got the better of him. Im close with Stephan, Jacob, Michael and the singaporian one. OOPS thats all of the tribe but Dean. I've been whip whop wheaving my way through these relationships as best i can and forcing myself onto people without them realising. All i need is 1 or 2 STRONG connections and ill smile :) O also Jacob said i was hot and asked if i was single! LOVELY, amazing LOVE compliments, will use this child if need be but if he's trying to use me, sucks for him because im self conscious and DONT believe his compliments anyway. I THINK im setting myself up in a mildly good position, just gonna be more pal'y. I hope people LIKE me. 

We gave our best but our Basic White Boy music video is totally gonna lose, and I’m taking some responsibility for that too. I knew we should’ve chosen something gayer.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KBaGOCmiwLknXyQoaaeyqZ0isdVOFUV2/view here are my clips :eyes:

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I am not saying I am aiming for it, but I am totally aiming for most confessionals. So fun story here. Whole summer not a single time I was bitten by a mosquito. Then this survivor starts. What is survivor known for? Tropical islands with mosquitos and such. So I was riding my bicycle yesterday and sat on a bench for a bit to rest up. 5 minutes. I sat for 5 minutes on this damn bench. 7 mosquito bites all on my legs, 3-4 split. I was fuming. Apparently that opened the pandora's box of mosquitos because I have been bitten 4 more times since them. I am full of hate. In other news: http://prntscr.com/od5qry This is really nice to see. Vilma's the best <3

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I CAN'T STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS OUR VIDEO IS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT

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my life is now a meme 

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oh wait it already was

CURRENTLY FREAKING OUT BECAUSE!!!!!!!!! IM EDITING THE MUSIC VIDEO BUT LIKE I HAVE SUCH LIMITED TIME!!!!! I ALSO HAVE TO BE FORTY FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM MY CURRENT LOCATION IN AN HOUR AND THAT MAKES I ONLY HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES TO EDIT WHICH I DEFINITELY CANNOT FINISH IN TIME. ALSO HAVING HUGE FUCKING PROBLEMS BECAUSE MY OLD METHOD OF DOWNLOADING VIDEOS IS NOT WORKING!!!!!!!!!!! AND IM REALLY FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT LOL SO IM SCREEN RECORDING OUR VIDEOS BUT I ALSO DON'T HAVE THE ACTUAL AUDIO FOR AMERICAN BOY AND IM STRUGGLING TO DOWNLOAD IT I MIGHT NEED TO BUY IT ON MY PHONE LIKE FUCK FJLKDJASLKFAJDSKL THIS IS SO DIFFICULT AND IM TRYING TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF INSTEAD OF WORRYING MY TRIBE MATES BUT OMG WHY I HATE MY LIFE 

I feel so guilty that I didn’t help my tribe with this challenge, I really hope we win! If we don’t win honestly I will probably just tell them all they can vote me off- I hate to go without a fight but they all participated in the video and I feel like it would be the fair thing to do. Hopefully we don’t have to worry about that and my tribe wins!

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Me putting my life on the line for my TRIBE? Must be the drugs this is not really in my character but I feel really bad and want them all to thrive

I spent my entire day doing that music video and I'm gonna cry if we lose and go to tribal again ughhhhhhhhhh. I really tried my best and am super proud of my tribe mates too they did a great job. I really like the video.

Yes! Another win for Ala Mai! I'm loving this tribe and loving this game! I want to get to the merge with as many of my tribe mates as possible because we all have very similar timezones so I need that in my game. 

I am so happy we won the challenge ! I offered the Toy idea but then couldn't participate myself because of real life reasons ugh. My tribe tho did an AMAZING JOB and Im glad we chose Netta 

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Ok so just now I have realized these are not the during-game published confessionals. So I'm gonna confess: I was so fucking nervous not to be able to participate in the video challenge. I wanted to take part and it's risking eviction if we lose. On the other hand, I kinda knew I would be fine even if we lost. First, I offered the song for the tribe. Second, my alliance with Vilma and Veni is controlling the tribe, I have Clash from the side and we got majority. So I'd probs be fine anyway. Glad we won tho ! 

Uh I’ve been so busy for the past few days I can’t socialise and am very worried 

Day 4: Video editing challenge. This will be fun. Make a music video. Tribe chat is just going in circles with choosing a song. Song is finally chosen, Lonely Dance. Its a strange song, would have prefered something more campy or darker but oh well. I dont have time to do a video edit, i also want to take a back seat of this challenge. Searched for idol, No luck but i now have a good list of where to look narrowed down to 3 locations. Think im going to trust Tyler more. 

http://prntscr.com/odkz7k

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idk if i made a confessional about this but holy shit Lord is in this 

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I realise I spam so many messages to people at once. Shoutout to Vilma for always replying (although slowly) to every single one

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Quiet day today, barely spoke to people. Please no swap.

Well I'm sad to go to tribal this early, but it's probably needed. I didn't like my participation in this challenge but I was really short on time, it sucks but oh well, at least Ruthie told us to vote her and hopefully it isn't a hard vote 

Whew! Thank god we won immunity. I honestly think we tried so hard so it felt nice to be recognised for that (and by we I mean those of us who actually helped out with the challenge......). Vilma worries me a bit. I really like her and she gives off a great energy but I feel like she could use that to lead a big alliance further down the line. I definitely won't be targeting her anytime soon and hopefully I can get in that alliance at some point, but she's someone to keep an eye on.

Hello this round was boring we had shitty judges yet again woo we lost immunity woo now we have to look like bad people and vote ruthie out because shes sacrificing herself woo

WE WON!!!!!! NO TRIBAL!!!!! FUCK YESSSS And the judges were so nice to me I legit almost cried I love everyone ughhhh my heart Music video challenges are so amazing I don't care if what placement I get anymore we made that video and that's all I care about really I hope we're swapping soon! 

Okay so whew I had tribal for this game and I was nommed in a BB game so it's been a busy day today! I thought I might play my idol no matter what tonight, but Ruthie has been going through some stuff and volunteered to be voted out. Unfortunately it is uneventful for the viewers and for the hosts but I hope it is nice and easy and I can save my idol for later. Also, tribe swap anyone? Idk I haven't really clicked with anyone yet...Wow my social game sucks I'm sorry hosts, give me comps I can win, ty.

[cyn009]

I just didn’t know...

So, not a lot of you really know me. I think most people follow me for the Critical Role, and gaming stuff I repost from other people. I hardly ever post something myself. And because of this, and because i feel like i need to atleast write this, this is the best place to put it. Its ok if no one reads it, but here it goes.

I have always had a big imagination. I was always the quiet, A honor roll student that always obeyed her parents, and wanted nothing more than to make them proud. While making homework and whatnot, i would watch my older brother draw. He is an amazing artists, and i remember feeling like nothing compared to him. He was better than me at everything i loved. Art, video games, he had a big group of friends that got together almost every day. The only thing i could do better was coloring. It also really annoyed me how my brother would draw these amazing pictures, but in the faintest pencil markings. I was always telling him, “You draw so awesome! Why not make it noticeable enough for people to actually see it?” He always shrugged and said that he didnt care if people didnt see it. I did care. I always looked up to my brother, and i wanted other people to know how good he was. So i asked him if i could make his drawings darker, by giving them a second pass of my own. Not altering the drawing, but simply making the lines darker. He agreed. So i started drawing his drawing all over again, until they were noticeable. Then he would ask me to color them, and i would. He got to sell a lot of his art at fairs and stuff.

I did have friends. I had a group of 4 guy friends in elementary school, who i spent lunch reading Harry Potter books with. I also had 2 girl friends that were my neighbors, who i would “play” barbies with. They would bring their Barbies and all their accessories, and i would bring my Link figurine. The one you could order from the OoT Zelda pamphlet. It was so boring... All they wanted was to dress up the dolls and all that. I wanted to have adventures! 

Never happened with them, or my friends in school.

Later i moved to the US, and i went to middle school, where i met my future girlfriend. I remember so vividly that she said i looked like a whore for dressing up in a dress for a school dance. She was not a good person. But i stuck around. She was different and we would talk about anime and manga. We had this thing that we would do during class in which i would draw a stick figure on a page and pass it to her, who would add a stick figure of her own, interacting with mine. If was amazing! It didnt matter what either of us added to the page, the other would just go with it and continue adding to this story we made together. 

Heh, you could say that my first OCs were literal stick figures. 

We continued friends until high school, where something strange happened. I say strange cuse i dont know of anyone else personally that did this, other than us. I started embodying my OCs. I would say that “Cyn” was in her room, and someone else was possessing my body for the time being. But not just anyone, it was my own characters. People i thought would be best suited to face things than little meek me. Be it school stuff, family stuff, working out, ditching class, even my personal relationship with my girlfriend. She was also doing the same. Acting as her own OCs. I dont know how it started, but it just did. and we kept it up for a long time. All through high school, really. Up until she broke my heart. But it was strange because the girlfriends relationship was between some of out OCs, but not all of them. Some would actively ignore the other, while others just wanted each other in more ways than one. 

I cared so much for her, that i allowed her to rope me into her family drama. It took over my life so much that i had completely replaced my own loving family with her broken one... I say that she broke my heart, and she really did. But i feel like it was the best thing she could have done for me. Experiences with her made me grow up from the perfect little girl that makes her parents proud to a girl that apparently had split personalities.

When she left... I was kind of lost. Having so many personalities out in the open as someone else taking care of my problem didnt work anymore. I didnt want to sound like a crazy person by telling people, “Im not Cyn, im _______.” I realized i had to grow up and admit to myself that it was just me, and i was being the person i wanted to be with the excuse that it was someone else. Because i was nothing. It took me years to get over that. I still sometimes find myself talking to one of my personalities, having full conversations and confrontations. I still feel like it helps me.

Anyways, when me and my grilfriend broke up, i found a new friend. She and I were part of a group of friends that self-published a manga magazine. We organized some OCTs and all that. It was cool.

In one of those OCTs, i met a guy from the other side of the world. We started RPing with each other and started creating this world together that i loved so much that we opened the chat RP to other of our friends from the OCTs. It later turned into a forum RP in this cute website that ran for 1000+ forum pages. If you could see us. All sitting at a table with out computers, like a LAN party, but were just RPing in type. Waiting for each other to post our next thing, and refreshing the page over and over again to keep reading the story. 

Eventually, the forum story reached stagnation with the other characters in the story, so me and my friend took it out to a two person roleplay chat once again. 

We roleplayed with each other for 6 years. This consumed my life just as the other personalities did. I would be with family, but my face on my phone, roleplaying and creating this world that it was just ours. And it was built for years and years, building upon the world i had created since elementary. It was this amazing place that only the two of us knew.

Then i started watching critical role and i wondered if i could do that! Roleplay with other people, maybe bring them into my world.

My first DM experience was typical. I over prepared, and made the encounters so hard that my friends ended up just abandoning the mission and not wanting to play anymore. Atleast not with me as a DM. 

I was nothing again.

So i let my friend be the DM, and i became a player in the world i had helped create for years. Mostly because she didnt like how i was managing the world myself. She wanted control of it, so she took it. I felt like shit about that, but i was not going to be a petty as her. This was just a game. It was not going to mess with the ‘canon lore’ of our imaginary world no one else knew as well as us.

Anyways, it is predictable that we had a falling out, and strangely stopped talking over night. My family had always told me how they felt like my friendship with her was holding me back, and i was determined to not allow that to happen. The loss of her friendship would not stagger me. I am stronger than that. I am strong.

......

I started DMing again. With only one player. The one guy from my group of high school friends that i would have never expected to stay friends with me or willing to face my crazy world alone. But he did! I felt like an idiot that i never took his friendship seriously. He deserved better from me. (btw, Hi, dude!) I DMed a game for him for almost six months, until i felt confident that i knew how to DM better, and he felt like he needed help.

I decided to not invite people we already knew... This was something new, me opening my crazy and letting people play in the world i would escape to in my mind. People we knew would judge me for being broken. Strangers would get to know me like this, and hopefully understand that this is normal for me. 

This was the best thing i could have ever done.

I made that world my own. I erased the places that hurt me and replaced them with adventures and so many new faces. NPCs. Names of people changed, their stories changed, I changed. 

Now i have a group of players that have just finished the first campaign in my world. A 2 year long campaign. And they wanted to return to that world immediately, now having started Campaign 2 without even missing a single session. Not only that, but they ask me for extra sessions! They cant get enough! They are excited to be there and experience the story i will present them! I didnt know... people would like it. 

I asked them what kind of DM they would describe me as. They agreed on “The Depressing DM”. The one that makes them face harsh consequences and situations that challenge their morality. I... I didn’t describe myself as happy until i dropped my old relationships, when out on my own with my world, and found new adventurers. I have always felt loved by my family, but i never thought others could love what i do. I still cant believe it is real. I am actually happy. They want me around because of who i am, what i do, and what i give them. I wished i had known sooner... But i am glad i know now. I am so grateful for my players, my friends. Thank you for welcoming me with such open minds, and joining my game. You guys make me happy. :)

#personal rant

[anniebearunique-blog]

just thoughts

So, I have started taking a natural medicine for depression nd anxiety and I am hoping that it will make for less bad days.Some days I just make myself feel so horrible, worthless, and low. I struggle with my confidence and I always have had self esteem issues. I know that I am not ugly, I know that I am a great catch but sometimes its hard to believe that and I don't want to sound conceded but if I tell myself over and over then maybe one day I will truly believe it. I care beyond most peoples capabilities even when I shouldn't. It takes a lot for me to walk away from someone. It took me two years of emotional abuse and feeling worthless to leave my ex which as I have said in previous posts is something I struggle with internally. My mind is a dark place a lot of the time. I try my hardest not to let myself sink down into the depths of it but sometimes it feels like I have lead weights tied to my ankles and I am sinking slowly to the bottom. I feel like as soon as I break the surface to gasp for another breath something pushes me back beneath he surface and gives me just enough air so that I don't die. Its like drowning but with no death. Sometimes I feel like there Is a hurricane in my head. All kinds of thoughts swirling around and just complete chaos. Then after it calms down I am left with the wreckage and trying to clean up all the damage. It is a constant battle to get my brain to cooperate with being happy. I have to constantly be on my toes trying to stop my mind from slipping into the dark spots. It is tiring but I am hopeful that this new medicine will help at least a little. I have been making my flowers and that is a calming thing for me. I am trying to find the motivation in life to do more but sometimes I just fail at that. When I don't hear from the people I care about I get sad. When I don't have something in front of me occupying my time I start to feel those feelings and start to feel my mind slinking into that dark place. I guess you could say its almost comforting. I am familiar with those dark corners and even though I make myself extremely miserable maybe I am addicted to that feeling. I would rather feel pain and suffering then nothing at all but then again maybe if I felt nothing I would be better off. I have too many thoughts and feelings and I am sure that people get scared by it. I have told my guy friend about this and he doesn't seem too scared but I feel like an annoyance to him when telling him what goes on in my fucked up little head. He is just as fucked up losing his wife to cancer. He has seen darker days then I have even imagined and I have tried to put myself in those shoes to imagine what it was like for him and my heart breaks every time I think about it. My biggest fear is losing my baby, my second is not being there for my baby and my third is putting someone through something that killed them and making them go through it again. For example if we were to fall in love and live happily ever after, I would be terrified to get cancer not because of how it would effect or ultimately kill me but because he would have to go through it again and re live that awful part of his life. I don't know. I just think that would be awful. It does worry me because I want to be a light in his life and sometimes I cant even be a light in my own life. But I have to have faith that it will all work out how its supposed to in the end. it will all be ok one day even if its not today.