#I am still struggling to understand akutagawa | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kimetsu-chan · 1 month

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~can’t sleep headcanons~

A/N: I’ve been sleeping crappy the past three nights and tn I extra doubly can’t sleep, so ofc I’m writing this at 4 am 🤩 (I apologize in advance for any mistakes made—)

Characters: Akutagawa, Fyodor, Dazai, Ranpo

TWs ⚠️ reader cries, bc I cried(Fyodor, Dazai), Nicknames (Myshka)(Fyodor) (Belladonna, Donna)(Dazai), GN!Reader

Man, being tired is rough—

Akutagawa Ryūnosuke

Akutagawa most likely wouldn’t notice right away

whether that be because he is asleep, out of the house, or just busy in general

but he would come home one day to you laying face down on your shared bed, spread out like a star fish

he’d raise an eyebrow at you before checking if you were awake

once he confirmed that you were, he would question why you were up so late

and in your tired state, you would unintentionally retort back with unusual hostility in your tone

“[Name], why is it that you are awake at two in the morning.”

“Why are you just coming home from work at two in the morning.”

His mouth would instantly shut, not used to your annoyance

you would almost immediately apologize with a distraught expression on your face and he would immediately understand

seeing the reason for your stress, he quickly dismissed your earlier words

he would be quick in showering himself before slipping into bed with you and wrapping his arms around you

he didn’t really like physically affection often, he had a tough guy facade to hold up. But he guessed he could make an exception for you

Fyodor Dostoevsky

This man doesn’t sleep much either, so he doesn’t bother scolding you for it

he is likely the only one to actually be helpful about it

he would be working away at his desk in your guys’ room, and he would hear the rustling of sheets behind him

he would turn in his chair to look back at you with a blank expression

Fyodor had heard your struggles to sleep during previous nights, but tonight, you finally seemed to have had enough

he got up when he heard you angrily adjust your pillow, and made his way to the bedside before crouching down beside you

he saw the angry expression you bore on your face and blew on your face to wake you up

your teary eyes opened to glare at him and he realized just how frustrated you were

he reached out to wipe those tears before they could fall as he spoke in a quiet voice

”Now, now, Myshka, what’s with the tears?”

“‘m s’tired… but I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try-!”

Fyodor would hum in understanding, you were just exhausted

he stood back up all the way and figured he had some time to spare

he pulled you up and made his way to the kitchen with you tiredly clinging to his arm

”Let’s have a glass of milk, that should help.”

Dazai Osamu

He’s probably dead asleep beside you, and therefore won’t be of much help

there is also a good chance that he is the reason for your lack of sleep

this man will be sprawled all over you. And I mean all over you

he would have one leg thrown over yours, he would have his arm(s) wrapped around you in some way

he just has to be touching you

he also moves around a lot

which you normally don’t mind, but adding that to already not being able to sleep, geez you were frustrated

dont get me wrong, he is perfectly capable of being still and to himself in his sleep

he just doesn’t want to-

he can’t help wanting to be in constant contact with his precious Belladonna all night

but when you nudge him awake with tears ready to fall from your eyes, he instantly throws his wants out the window

he’d frown and wipe your tears away before asking what was wrong

“Oh ‘Donna— why are you crying?”

“I can’t- sleep, and you’re movin’ around s’much and it’s not helping..”

You didn’t mean to make it sound like it was his fault (even though it kinda was-)

but I’m your exhausted state, you couldn’t control it

instantly filled him as he pressed a kiss to your forehead

“I’m sorry ‘Donna… I’ll be still, I promise”

Ranpo Edogawa

Just like Dazai, he is likely the reason you cannot sleep in the first place

I headcanon that he is also a super restless sleeper in the sense that he moves a whole bunch

and maybe even kicks

so imagine you’re tired, and almost falling off the bed because he is taking all the space

deciding that you had enough, you grabbed your pillow and a spare blanket and trudged over towards the couch before plopping your tired self right down on it

you closed your eyes with a huff when you tucked yourself in, and began to drift off when you felt a weight on you

you opened your eyes to see Ranpo looking down at you

there was concern in his eyes, despite the unserious-ness of his statement

”[Name]? Why’d you leave? The world’s best detective needs his cuddle buddy.”

You quickly explained the reason of his absence and he nodded

you waited for a few seconds for him to leave, but he just stayed on top of you and made himself comfortable

“I guess I’ll just sleep on top of you then!”

His weight was actually kinda nice, and he was making an effort to be as still as possible

you eventually were pulled to sleep with the sound of your lover’s soft breathing in your ears

A/N: these were fun to write 🥰

but they took an hour—

n e ways

it is now almost five in the morning so I might as well just be up for the rest of the day 😃

Reblogs with tags are appreciated!

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popopretty · 1 year

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BSD Chapter 107

"In the Narrow Room" - Part 3.1

We got a rather long chapter this month and the plot is progressing! Asagiri is always so unpredictable and I love it so much.

Please note that I don't speak English nor Japanese as a native language and I am also super excited about the chapter so I may make mistakes here and there. Please have mercy on me ;_;

SPOILERS AHEAD

After hearing Teruko talk about the true purpose of The Decays of Angel, Atsushi's head becomes confused with all the thoughts of what is right or wrong. He wishes someone could answer all of his questions. He remembers how Dazai used to show up in his thought when he struggles, and wonder why this time he cannot hear Dazai's voice anymore.

He stops at the foot of the tower and notices Aya and Bram there. He tries to go and rescue them, but it turns out to be a trap, with Akutaga jumps out to attack him.

Sigma is finding his way in the prison after escaping from the elevator. He thinks about what happened. He remembers Dazai checking the elevator before getting on it, and realizes that Dazai already knew the elevator was dangerous from the beginning, and he probably just got on it because it is what needs to be done to save the Agency. Sigma also recalls Dazai's expression underwater, he wonders if its the face when Dazai realized that the elevator was going to fall, and that's why Dazai acted the way he did. Sigma wants to run away by himself because he thinks an ordinary person like him cannot do anything. He then found a paper on the floor. It is written in Russian, that says "Save me" (Notes: The original text is just "Please save", it is not clear who it is telling him to save)

Back to Atsushi and Akutagawa. Atsushi still doesn't understand what is happening. He tries to fight back and realizes that Akutagawa is not using his ability to guard himself. Akutagawa instead sucks the blood from his own hand to heal his wound. He doesn't try to cover himself because he can regenerate like that, and it means unless Atsushi kills him, there will be no way to stop him. Atsushi tries to tell him to stop, hoping his consciousness is still there, and that he still wants to ask Akutagawa why he saved his life that time.

In Mersault, Dazai is seen dragging himself and leaning against the wall, covered in blood with his legs broken. He looks up to the surveillance camera and tells Fyodor to put an end to his pain cuz it hurts so bad. Fyodor gladly accepts and sends Chuuya to finish him. Suddenly Sigma enters the room and shoots Fyodor in the shoulder, telling him to stop attacking Dazai. Sigma says he is there cuz he has promised Dazai to touch Fyodor to read his scheme in the airport. Fyodor asks why Sigma has to keep the promise with Dazai, which surprises Sigma himself. Fyodor then proceeds to say that Dazai has manipulated Sigma the whole time, and that normally Sigma is not that kind of a reckless person. He explains that at first, Sigma only wanted a "home" so he would not get used by anyone. But after watching Dazai, Sigma has come to realize that a lonely "home" is not enough. He has started to want not a place, but trust, a relationship where people rely on others without borrowing or trading anything. In other words, he has started to want to become a member of the ADA. Yet, Fyodor adds, it is not Sigma's own thought, but the trick Dazai uses to tamper with his heart.

Sigma thinks back of what Dazai has told him, and still decides to point the gun at Fyodor. Because even if it is a trick, Dazai has paid a big price for it, and accepting a customer's bet is the casino's way. He says he knows Fyodor is trying to manipulate him too, to cause distrust towards Dazai and makes him drop the gun. Sigma then adds that Dazai has won this manipulating competition.

According to the fact that Fyodor has to try to talk him into lower the gun, Sigma concludes that he has no other backup. He tells Fyodor he is going to touch him and read his information, but before that he wants Fyodor to tell him what his ability is, cuz its dangerous to touch someone whose ability might be activated by contact. In the last frame, Sigma changes the question from "What is your ability" to "What the hell are you?"

The chapter ends here. Next chapter will be out on June 2, 2023 (Japan time). Thank you for reading till the end!

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd spoilers #dazai osamu #fyodor dostoevsky #sigma #spoilers #summary

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kaus-quietis · 8 months

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A Circus Library - quick recommendations of short stories, poems, comics and novels I've recently read #1

Hello there! I'm the circus resident poltergeist, Eliott, managing this blog until Lav comes back. Today I offer you a slightly different formula of my super awesome super rare super bookclub post, as Lav would say!

Hello hello hello! Is this a bookclub?! Is this chaotic ramble?! Ding ding! You got it wrong!

Writing full on reviews is tiedous and long, and while I appreciate doing it, I'm myself not always in the mood to read a long post explaining why a book is genius. Do I love that from time to time? Yes! Do I have the attention span to write one now? Nope! However, I still wanted to share some titles I recently (re)discovered, and that I think are marvellous reads for anyone wanting to dive into something new.

Here you'll find a few recommendations with the shortest of words to tell you why they are great, or just scream about it.

short disclaimer before I begin because this is tumblr and while I forgot a lot about this website, I remember how the TW thing works lol, it's at your own discretion to search for the works beforehand if you have any trigger you don't want to encounter.

Jack Spicer - Billy the kid

The master of my fate, captain of my soul as Timothée Chalamet would say idk I barely know the guy. Classic and gold, Spicer is an amazing writer and this poem is phenomenal. It's quite short and perfect if you want to know more about the wonder that was US American poetry during the 20th century. Of course I'd encourage you to read all of his works, but Billy the Kid is perfect to start somewhere.

Ryunosuke Akutagawa - Hell Screen

Classic and iconic, I've recently pushed further than Rashomon and boy oh boy am I never turning back. Hell Screen is a phenomenal short story displaying all the elegance and cruelty Akutagawa can incorporate in his works. It's mesmerizing, it aches, it's everything I love. I read this story in Jay Rubin's translation (Penguin Classics), and even though I do not speak Japanese so I cannot compare, I dare say it's a very good one.

Lucie Bryon, Thieves

I never recommended comic books before but I wanted to for a change! I am a huge comic book lover, but most of the ones I usually read are not available in english language. This one is, though. Thieves is a beautiful comic about growth, falling in love and finding acceptance in others and in yourself. It's light and heartwarming, like eating candy.

Ottessa Moshfegh, Lapvona

Now, this book exploits one of my biggest plot weaknesses ever, and that is fucked up people in medieval settings. Lapvona tells the story of Marek, a sheperd's son, who'll be caught in a series of unfortunate events, political struggles, and secrets, all inside the town of Lapvona. It's dark and unsettling, the characters are scandalous and horrible, yet sickeningly human. Now, I said to check the TW yourselves, but be very careful with this one, if you can think of a TW, then it's certainly in this book.

Osamu Dazai, Early Light

In the Storybook ND series, this book contains three short stories : Early Light, Three Hundred Views of Mount Fuji, and Villon’s Wife. I'd recommend the three of them, as it's a fantastic dive into Dazai's shorter works. I think that reading his short stories is very important to understand his work and the width of the subjects and stories he wrote about. It helps that once again, in my opinion, the translation chosen by this publishing house is so good.

This is it for today! Here you have five of the works I read (or re-read) this summer, and that I'd warmly recommend. There are two short stories (Dazai, Akutagawa), a comic book (Bryon), a novel (Moshfegh) and a poem (Spicer). 'Till next time!

#circusghost #here we go again #this is a shorter formula but i'm glad it allows me to talk about several books #really #i cannot stress it enough #please read Jack Spicer at least once in your life #i am not a fan of contemporary US american literature and media whatsoever #however there was a wave of poetry that's really interesting during the last century and Spicer was part of it #lololol anyway #i have a newfound love for Akutagawa these days and he makes me want to read Gogol again #these authors are the same dudes in different fonts #this summer i read mostly japanese and american lit and it shows lol #lapvona is a great book but it's also the darkest out of this list so beware!#its ending is phenomenal tho #let me know if you read any of these or if you have some book recs yourselves!#or if you want specific ones #my book year started again and we're currently sitting at 33 since july #hurray!#eliott

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littencloud9 · 2 months

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4, 6, 13

@frankenjoly MY FINGER SLIPPED AND I ACCIDENTALLY ANSWERED YOUR ASK BEFORE I TYPED IT FULLY AKHSK SORRY. here it is again

4. with dialogue i'm proud of

from an sskk highschool AU that has been rotting in my docs for 9 months ish by now

Akutagawa scoffs. “You’re still a fool, if that’s why you live. The words of your past shouldn’t define you as a person now.” “And why not? They shaped who I am.” “But they aren’t who you are. If you let him torture you forever, you’ll never find yourself outside of him.” “…Sometimes I wish I could kill him with my bare hands. I think I’d be a little more at peace,” Atsushi admits. He sounds terribly guilty for saying something that Akutagawa wholeheartedly agrees with. “Don’t sound so put off about it. I’d think the same. Yet you can’t, because it’s nonsensical, and you’d have to live with the blood stained on your hands forever. But there’s strength in being able to move on without closure. I think you have that.” “Oh.” Atsushi’s fingers finally unclench. He huffs. It sounds like a meek laugh. “You know, Akutagawa. I think we’re pretty similar in some aspects.” Akutagawa wrinkles his nose. “Don’t compare me to you, fool.” “Yeah, whatever.” Atsushi’s smile grows and he falls back into that dumb loser Akutagawa’s more familiar with. “And for the record, you don’t need to be jealous. I like you just the way you are now.” “Hm.” They don’t exchange any words after that, but Akutagawa feels his body relax and Atsushi shifts a little closer.

6. that i struggled with, but triumphed over

from an itafushi college/coffeeshop AU! for someone online all the time, i have such a hard time writing about social media stuff lol

"Hey. Post a selfie on your story." "Why the fuck would I do such a thing." "If Itadori likes it, it means he's interested," Kugisaki tells him, fully serious. "Come on. Trust me on this one. Your eyeliner looks really good today, anyway." "No. I hate being perceived." "Do it!" "No!" Kugisaki stands up, and suddenly there's a camera in Megumi's face and the flash goes off. He jumps, glaring at Kugisaki. The bane of his existence, he swears. "I'll tag you!" she says, sounding much too delighted. Megumi hopes she slips on a puddle and dies.

13. that helped me understand a character better

from desert to ice floe (i will follow)

Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to write it off as an ability. To pretend it’s something he cannot control and that it’s actually a gift. It’s nice to use what he has without people shaming him for it, all by calling it a blessing instead of a curse. Maybe that’s why he fell into this rabbit hole of lies and keeps putting up this front. It’s just easier. Ranpo just… “I just lied,” he says lamely. “And it kept going. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

send me asks!

#asks #ask game #my writing #god. i froze when i posted it on accident BYE #clau <3 #bsd #jjk #shin soukoku #itafushi #kugisaki nobara #edogawa ranpo #yosano akiko

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himi-wiz · 1 year

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Hehe

Chuuya for bingo! <3

(And Dazai, if you want to.)

YOU. YOU HAD TO HUH.

Definitely don't know you anon. And therefore I can lie about it but here we go:

Dazai —

Interesting lad in the most atrocious manner possible. Admittedly I still needed to read the novels but I think Dazai is an odd character which I've never quite gotten completely even from the start of my initial bsd phase at 2014-2015. Now I'm as old as him (which is bizarre to think about) and I get what's going on, I still don't think I'll ever quite grasp what's in his head. He has this apathy and intelligence I will never take hold of as someone who understands that I am extremely an ordinary individual and chooses to remain so — being oblivious and normal — for fear that I would turn out to be as isolated as he is.

I think it's terrifying.

To be too smart and think too much of yourself, to realise you're never going to be normal for you will always reason a way out of your greatest passions and your worst nightmares. And therefore you never truly fear anything nor could you truly love something wholeheartedly either. How could you when you can't trust in anything?

I am fond of the irl author, Mr. Dazai Osamu's dedication to his work of No Longer Human which I did read through ages ago and encounter some memorable quotes. But it's only rather recently I was able to fully comprehend the sheer terror it brings as the protagonist Yozo elaborates on the despair of understanding one's role in life is inevitably meaningless, akin to an insect realising its doom to fall prey to fate in a web full of lies.

Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer "Nothing." The thought went through my mind that it didn't make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.

— No Longer Human, Dazai Ozamu

And I only have pity for such a being that is unable to unlearn that despair or at the very least, be able to stop, condense and move forward with these thoughts and live with them.

Our BSD Dazai however is given a chance to do so unlike Yozo thanks to Odasaku and it brings a fond affection to see him trying his best. I hope he does find his way and learns to enjoy the difficult journey stumbling around in life. But at the same time, it'll be foolish of me to presume just because he's moving towards the light, Dazai's darkness and general sense of dissatisfaction with people and life would change.

Dazai is not kind, he is not gentle, he's inconsiderate, deplorable, utterly wretched nuisance of a man who can and will use you if he decides it's worthwhile for him to do so, otherwise he has little interest in you even if he can sees through all your struggles and how he could help you, he wouldn't, certainly not intuitively desire so.

And I much prefer that viewpoint for it's more remarkable that Dazai is choosing when he does good. And how he's actively trying to be the side that reaches out to someone else and be there for them. To let himself be tied to people he feels isolated from and be vulnerable enough to take bets and place his trust on the Armed Detective Agency (and Chuuya and Akutagawa) so he could save lives he honestly doesn't care much for. How fascinating.

And so when fans do brush that darkness aside, I can be mildly peeved. But hey, it's still valid and okay to have some fun with just comfort and softness of just wishing happiness for a character you like. It can hard to decipher these layers if you don't know where to look too. Or perhaps am I reading too deep into this? Who knows. Asagiri sure has a way of writing nuances like these and it's so delightful to unpack them.

I still don't understand Dazai on a fundamental level.

That is more of my fault as I am someone who both emotionally and socially impaired so much that I use myself as a medium to "empathise" with people. I merely mimick emotions — like I don't feel sad if someone lost a loved one, I 'force' myself to feel bad if I am that person, I play out the scenario of losing something precious to me and I take that sadness to apply it to the person.

That's how I can predict people well enough, aside from those who are far too passionate in an ideal or passion I can't understand like Kunikida, those who learn to hate everything, and those who comprehend the reasons why they hate and shift to a complete apathy, able to pinpoint all the ways they're wrong — ways they don't fit, they aren't human enough, but are ultimately far too timid and cowardly to work on why they are outsiders and maintain a distance for it's far safer this way.

Dazai is still that person who's terrified of attachment and rejection, still struggling to believe in people more than he trusts his mind and vision of the world around him. And he appears to be doing his best, so perhaps I would fall in love with his character a little more when I finish rereading No Longer Human, the dark era stuff and other bsd side stories.

For now let's see how he'll end up.

Chuuya—

I refuse to elaborate on him.

Suffer anon.

#abt himi me #rambles #bsd #bsd rambles #bsd dazai #bsd literature #asks #ask game #char bingo #himi actually says something wow #i keep making edits im sorry #random jazz from himi

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faux-ee · 1 year

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Desert Rain

A poem dedicated to sskk

This is a translation so it might sound off, I'm sorry!

I just love them so, I have to post this everywhere. x

Written from Akutagawa's pov!

I am in

So much pain —

Life

Pains me so. You

So pure, an azure

Sky over a dried pool; warm

smile and sugar cubes

Four —

A shooting star with hellish burns

You alight my core.

Driving away the ghosts’

Wails, they gripped my throat…

Once. You, repressed weakness

You, speckless, saving me, my good

Conscience, long since sold.

It pains me, pains me more.

Breath — each time a torture

Time, fractured, my whole life

Clogged up with violence

— all psychotic literature

Lost, discontinued.

Yet perhaps, in another world

Sunlight trembles in your coffee

And your words tremble, too.

You are so sure of it all, except for

Yourself — foolish and stubborn.

We are all too different.

I don’t understand, can’t understand.

Tangerine dusk died in the arms of

A beast-like husk, greedy sea fog

Dawn, lost between hurried clock

hands, broken.

BLACK: I ended in truth.

We were allowed a final dance —

Barely. Then it struck twelve.

Midnight saw the last of us.

You rang awake the day,

My biggest fear, you burnt.

My life’s ink, spilled into

A second Spring. There you are

Your nightmares shed

Standing with your back to me,

Laughing, never looking back.

You’re mortified. I hate you.

Yet do you know how your promise

Beat in my chest, so vibrant still?

This world, these turbulent times

would never have you

My sarcastic, sharp-tongued—

Mine.

Your shadows, drowned

In my chest, our pasts cried.

Your sunset eyes,

Honey on my dirty cheeks.

Life: an eternal fall

Between life and death

Narrow is the strait—

My dreams, my remorse

caught up with the winds’ woes

Heading to the end of the world…

You, angel fearful and barefoot,

Beaten black and blue —

By a memory so cruel.

As I was absolved from bitter desires

I could say it without a struggle:

You are worth more than I am.

As my hollow soul withered slow

Fate dealt us a hand so cold:

I was leaving — giving up so little

So little apart from you.

It was planned, scripted, expedient.

It was the last resort, a sure victory.

Then, why does my heart shake—

Then, why so my eyes ache?

In the void of meaning

In this disappointed blank—

Tamed beasts riot

Against reason, against

all it’s taught. Should I

Choose me? Should I

Leave you, never looking back?

My death, escaped

In the fishnet of your absence

A prison sentence, it fought

Agony, tearing apart the light

That left with you.

In another life, I wouldn’t want to meet you.

In another life, I wouldn’t want to fight.

I want to look at you, and laugh at

Your every tear.

Want to look at you, even if you—

Stand with your back to me, for

Another lifetime. Alone,

Freed from every lasting fear.

I will not find you then.

I won’t have to look for you

Won’t have to waste my time.

Even though, I—

I want you to live.

Even though, I—

Don’t understand, can’t understand.

In this gray, frozen life,

An impossible resurrection

At midnight; the desert welcomes

Such gentle, unstoppable rain.

#sskk #shin soukoku

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mead0ws06 · 11 months

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it says go ahead and put anything. So I’m putting anything.

I believe that as we grow older we hide within our flaws instead of chipping at them. We lose the desperation to become a good person and instead focus on simply being and going through the check boxes. I believe that we should never be understood absolutely because then we’d never surprise others, and isn’t that always a nice feeling. When you’re left alone you don’t owe anything to anyone and instead are left with the influence they have had on your way of thinking yet they are not physically there. I went to a bookstore today and saw the poetry book my English teacher let me borrow. I almost bought me a copy and instead I bought a manga instead, Bungo Stray Dogs Beast vol 3. Akutagawa’s sister believed him a selfish man yet all he wanted was to be better, yet his mind is a haunted place and didn’t allow him to see past his own anguish and rage. Atsushi is run by fear, something so strong it runs his entire life. I think rain is a way to remember how small we actually are, and thunder is to help us remember we have a heartbeat and it can skip when faced with Mother Nature. I make Playlists that I promise are going to be good quality and then stuff it with songs I found myself listening to, and I put them in not because it was accurate but because I wanted to listen to it in a new light. I own more books now than I ever have in my entire life. I wax poetry but only in the dead of night when I feel like I’m breathing recycled blood and I spit it out onto my notes app, which blinds me when no one else has eyes on me. I fall in love with characters and see them as myself to gain understanding of who I am and to feel less lonely in the world. If someone wrote that character, they must understand that character, therefore if I ever were to met the author maybe I could see if they would understand me, even if I never spoke a word to them the knowledge of the Maybe is good enough. I crave to talk endlessly to my friends yet feel as if I’ll be eaten alive by my own flesh and walls if I so much as utter a word about passion and love. I’m proud of being 5’9 even if I’m just barely making it to that height. I have a pixie cut and I love my wild curls. Cats just had a liter of kittens in my barn, the mother being pixie and the kittens being mulberry, magnolia, and ceder. I feel different to others how I see the world, how I understand and feel about challenges because I’ve been facing them since before I understood what family was. I was so desperate for love when I was in middle school that I screamed my affections at anyone who will listen, now I see the notifications and all I can feel is my own breathing and not others hearts. I’m 17 and struggling with the idea that I’ll still be unsure of who I am and what to do when I’m an adult. That I’ll still be wearing headphones to block out others on a long car ride, that I’ll still lack social grace and run up to my room whenever I get home without placating others like a good adult is expected to do. I consume stories with the infatuation of someone finding their first love over and over. I can analyze stories for hours yet can’t find it in myself to brush my teeth. I used to think my middle name was gorgeous now all I see is it’s common, and I laugh. I’m a straight A student and can’t will myself to study for my permit test.

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datura-foxglove · 6 years

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(ADA Week Day 2) Doctor’s Oath

Title : Doctor’s Oath

Summary : As a doctor, Yosano had sworn to follow the Hippocratic Oath. All life is precious; not only the innocent but also the wicked. She is a doctor, not a judge. So she will save this man even if she had to half kill him first.

Character : Yosano Akiko, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke.

Prompt : Healing

Warnings : Violence (it’s Akutagawa what do you expect)

Thou Shalt Not Die.

Her ability enabled her to fully heal someone from the brink of death. As a doctor, that kind of ability was really prized and sought after. But despite her rare ability, she still couldn’t defeat Death. Once someone died, she would be unable to bring them back. You can only live once, that was why life was so precious. As a doctor, she had seen many life end. She had seen much blood and tears. She strongly believed that all life was equal and no one was privileged in taking or ridicule other people’s life.

She will save all life that needed help in front of her. Even if that person was a criminal. Even if that person was her enemy.

That determination was also the reason why she was bloody from head to toe, clothes full of holes from black spear that pierced her body before her ability healed her. Her butterfly hairpin long lost and her hair matted with blood and stuck to her face. Still, she gritted her teeth as another torrent of black spikes rose from the ground and pinned her legs. Even under the torrent of pain that strike her, her pink eyes glared at the crouching man five meters apart from her and coughing up blood violently.

“Don’t come closer, woman!” the Port Mafia’s black dog growled threateningly, his eyes crazed from pain as his body slowly losing his strength. Yosano could see the unnatural way his left arm bent, how rapid his breath yet really shallow, his right leg unable to support his body weight, and countless deep gashes on his body that continued dripping blood.

Yosano, along with other agency member, was on a mission to detain a new foreign organization that started brewing trouble in Yokohama. Unfortunately, the Port Mafia’s dogs also sniffed the hideout of the organization as quick as them and send troops to deal with the nuisance. Akutagawa immediately attacked Atsushi the moment their eyes met and all plan went down the drain. The enemy was alerted of their presence and blow up the hideout. Which was located in old underground train track.

After a huge earthquake and land slide, Yosano was separated from everyone else. She wasn’t too worried for Atsushi and Kenji; the two powerhouse could lift up boulders with no sweat and their body were especially tough. She was more worried with Kunikida and Kyouka. Still, Dazai and Ranpo were outside, they would bring rescue team soon enough.

Unfortunately, she was stuck with this rabid dog who wouldn’t let her heal him. Akutagawa was crushed with a boulder when they fell and even after breaking apart the boulder with Rashomon, the damage on his body was apparent.

Yosano swung down her massive cleaver, intent on breaking up the black cloth. To her annoyance, the black cloth resisted her blade and remained pierced on her legs.

Yosano sighed and glared back at the dying man. “I can wait until you are near death and unable to resist when I healed you.” She shrugged, both option didn’t matter for her. “Or you can retain your dignity by letting me heal you now before I can see you in brink of death wheezing pathetically like old dog.”

Akutagawa coughed violently, spitting blood to his trembling hand. “I will kill you…!”

“I am not interested to die with you. Ask Dazai if you seek a suicide partner.” Yosano saw the dying man froze when she mentioned Dazai’s name. He was still too far for her ability range, if only this damn spikes didn’t pin her to the ground like an insect specimen.

Akutagawa’s body started to sway, his blood loss probably had reached critical level. Yosano had to respect the man’s tenacity for not already drop dead with all that wound. “Just let me heal you and I won’t bother you anymore. The mission is probably failed, unless Dazai had a backup plan ready… who am I kidding, that man is probably already on his way to capture the fleeing enemy.”

“Dazai-san…” the dying man surprised Yosano by standing up. His steps wobbled dangerously and blood continue to drip from all of his wounds but he single-mindedly started to walk away from Yosano. The spikes pinning her legs crawled away slowly, following the man’s shadow.

Yosano counted in her mind and she got to fourteen before Akutagawa collapsed. She approached him slowly and carefully, paying attention to the weak tendrils of black cloth that pathetically wrapped around his body like a cast.

Yosano poked him carefully with the blunt side of her cleaver, making sure she poked the least damaged side of him. When the black cloth could only hiss in protest and not attacking her, she flipped his body over and checked the damage. Part of his ribs caved in and most likely pierced his lungs, with how he almost drowned in his own blood. His left arm had become swollen and Yosano could see sharp bones poking out from his right leg. Thankfully, the man was dying enough for her ability to activate.

Black butterflies came out of her body, their wings flapped in the air as they danced around her patient. Each of them landed on his wounds, their phantom like body misted away as they were absorbed in his body. In no time, all of his wounds closed and his cold pale skin warmed up to healthier color. His shallow breathing became gasps as he could once again breathe without feeling like he drowned. Bones knitted together again, leaving no scar nor imperfection. If not for his disheveled and bloody appearance, no one would think that he nearly died.

Yosano rose from her crouch, patting away dirt from her ripped skirt. “There. That wasn’t so hard, see? Go back to doctor Mori.” She turned around, intent on searching her lost comrades. The black dog was already healed; he could find his way back home by himself.

The doctor only managed a few steps away from Akutagawa when black spikes surrounded her and threateningly hovered a few inches away from her. Yosano didn’t move when she heard the owner of those black spikes stood up with shaky feet.

“Why did you save me?” Yosano couldn’t see his face, but she could imagine the confusion on his face. “I am your enemy. I can kill you easily.”

Yosano sighed. Really, were all people in Port Mafia this stupid. “I am a doctor. I have sworn an oath to save all life.”

“Even for enemy?”

“I am a doctor, not a judge.” Yosano turned around and faced him. She met his eyes with no fear but iron resolution. “No matter who it is, an innocent or a criminal, the moment they became my patient I will do everything I can to heal them.”

Akutagawa eyes watched her for a moment before he scoffed. “You and that weretiger, I couldn’t understand both of you.”

Yosano frowned. “Because you only take life. You don’t see how precious they are.”

“The weak must die and pave a way for the strong.” Akutagawa glared at Yosano, his belief in those words unshakeable.

Patient or not, Yosano was tempted to punch the man in front of her. “I can see why Atsushi doesn’t like you.”

“Yosano-sensei!”

Both of their attention averted towards the boy running towards them. Yosano could see the familiar sunny smile and straw hat. “Kenji-kun!”

Kenji stopped when he could see the dire situation, but his smile didn’t diminish the slightest. “We got word from Dazai-san. He said that he already cornered the enemy above the ground! Atsushi-san went ahead to assist him, but we should follow too! Kunikida-san need your help, he got injured from protecting Kyouka-chan.”

Yosano was about to ask Kenji about Kunikida condition, but the man at her back gasped. “Dazai-san!” the doctor eyes only caught a blur of black as the man used his ability to tore apart the roof of the tunnel where they were trapped in and went ahead faster than she could follow.

“Wow, so fast!” Kenji brightly cheered when they could see the holes that went quite far above. “That man is so nice, he left a way out for us too!”

Yosano sighed. She wanted to punch him at least once but he escaped before she could. “Well, let’s go to Kunikida.”

Kenji clapped his hand once. “No need Yosano-sensei, Kunikida-san is fine!”

Yosano blinked. “Huh?”

The sunny boy explained with innocent smile. “Dazai-san told me that I should say that to you and Akutagawa-san. If Akutagawa-san heard that Atsushi is going to help him, he would open up a way for us to escape quickly! Dazai-san already captured the enemy and the others also on the way back to surface, we are the last one here.”

Kenji’s words sank in as her brain realized the trickery. She couldn’t help it and laughed. Kenji blinked at her confusedly.

Yosano brushed away her hair and smiled wickedly. “Well, well. It seems like I owe Dazai a bottle of sake later.”

#bungou stray dogs #adaweek #yosano akiko #akutagawa ryunosuke #miyazawa kenji #warning: violence #day 2 #i don't even know #it spiraled out of control quickly #but I wanted to see these two interact #I am still struggling to understand akutagawa #forgive me if anyone is ooc

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saltyshe · 2 years

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Review: Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam (Light Novel)

my thoughts (NOT spoiler free) on the novel and the arc in the anime and how different they are (mostly about the novel though)

this is a bit all over the place just a warning :,)

so, i’m deciding to read (because i haven’t read all of them yet :,))and review all the BSD light novels in honour of the new one coming next year and because my friend thought i’d be good at writing reviews??? (it’s honestly probably to shut me up) i am writing this as i watch the Azure Apostle Arc in BSD so i can see how it translates from the novel since it's been so long since I've watched the anime

to start, this novel did help me understand kunikida more. i’ve never really been a fan of him, to me he seemed too much of a simple character and so straight forward, i didn’t hate him but he wasn’t my favourite. the anime is also a very watered down version of the story obviously adding atsushi into the equation, so it's a very different experience if you just watch the anime and if you read the novel.

so at the start you see how Dazai came out of nowhere and was recommended into the detective agency. you see fukuzawa being very cautious, even though he did welcome Dazai into the agency, and strictly ordering kunikida to fire him if he seemed suspicious and to shoot him if he sees "any signs of wickedness in his heart". and you can just see more of fukuzawa and Kunikida's relationship which I really do like because the anime barely shows fukuzawa’s relationship with any of the agency members. throughout the novel kunikida becomes very suspicious of dazai and more so when they're working on the case and you see him think about fukuzawa's orders very often, which makes him have internal conflict because he respects the president but his orders went against Kunikida's ideals, and when he does end up carrying out the orders he still saved his ideals. I like how you see fukuzawa's trust in kunikida when he tells him to do Dazai's entrance exam, and you see it again in the end when kunikida says that dazai could become a great detective and that he's not bad and fukuzawa tells him that he respects his decision even thought he had his doubts. also I love this interaction:

“Busy as always. And to make matters worse, Dazai ran off. He said he hates office work, then dumped all his paperwork onto one of our clerks. He’s also somehow managed to avoid all the military investigation department’s interviews. I think putting him in a pot of scalding water should set him straight. Not long enough to kill him, though. He’d like that.”

“Just make sure to do it somewhere remote where the police won’t find you.”

I like how Kunikida's thoughts are such a rollercoaster-ride because of his ideals. this was a very interesting story to showcase his struggle to meet his ideals and what could happen if they tied him down and took over his life.

you can also see Dazai's intellectual ability when he's deliberately avoiding Akutagawa when the taxi is shot down to not be seen, avoiding cameras in the abandoned hospital because any member in the mafia could see him if he's on the newspaper, every time something like that happened it made me smile a little at how he makes it seem as if it was an act of cowardice or just coincidental when really it's not, brushing off Kunikida by insulting him.

this novel also did a very good job in showing what others think about Dazai. I know I've talked about this before when I talked about Chuuya and Dazai and who seemed more human so i won’t get into it much. but Kunikida did point out that a lot of what Dazai does and the way he acts doesn't seem completely human. this isn't completely coincidental, I believe Asagiri put that in to show us how others see Dazai and the way he acts when he's making a facade. it was great to read about it in my opinion because its set in stone and im sure about my suspicions.

it was also very refreshing to see the main character (in this case kunikida) not know all the answers. nowadays the main characters are crazy smart in books but also very secretive, a popular book nowadays with a kind of plot like this novel would have a main character with the same characteristics as dazai, Kaz Brekker from Six of Crows comes to mind at the top of my head, in that book, we know Kaz knows what he's doing but we're not exactly sure what, so we're left in the dark (Six of Crows is a very good book mind you, definitely recommend) until the events happen, but what im trying to get at is that it was nice to know what was happening before kunikida and see him figure it all out like a normal human being. like Kunikida isn't some genius, he's an average person who is suspicious of every little source of evidence he gets. when Dazai was framed, when rokuzo appeared at the hospital before sasaki, he thought it was over when they finished off the two at the warehouse which I think is so human and very refreshing, because if you only read the novel without watching the anime, you would've thought that it was over too.

I also love Ranpo in this. him just knowing all about dazai and dazai just not knowing until after probably when he realized that Ranpo's ability isn't even an ability after all

this story in the anime is very underwhelming now that I look at it, they just deleted the whole plane incident and made it so that the bomb in the fishing shop was the one that needed de-activating. which makes sense since that was were kunikida was really doubting Dazai and ended up "shooting him" to break the listening device. still, I would've loved to see that scene animated but oh well. it also only lasted for two episodes in the anime so all the thoughts feelings Kunikida was feeling weren't included which is a shame. the novel was about Kunikida and his struggle with ideals but that's not how the anime interpreted it, which is fine, Kunikida has his moments but its disappointing. what I do love about the anime is this scene:

it’s probably my favourite scene of dazai and kunikida’s partnership and trust. and that's pretty much it, I enjoyed watching it, but I enjoyed reading it more. when I first watched the arc I thought that it was great and very interesting, but the novel captures so much more. I love the level of trust they've gained for each other throughout the story in the novel in such short time, so when it really came down to it Dazai had to trust in Kunikida's brain in order to not get hurt. he also had nothing to lose, at this point Dazai didn't really have anything to live for yet, in my opinion, it was the start of his journey in the ADA so you know. I wouldn't be surprised if Dazai was actually acting wild from the start for that exact moment. I think it's great that in the fight scene they both looked at each other struggling and kept fighting, it felt much more real and tough to read in writing, like I said, the anime watered it down.

the ending was also better in writing because you feel it in your gut how much Kunikida hates Dazai for what he did, and I think that's when he truly realized that Dazai's morals are good to a certain point, but he also knows that it's honestly better off this way. the whole "Azure King" incident was eerily like Death Note and Light Yagami and his story, and both of those ended more or less the same. I think that it's a really important tie to make that Kunikida has the mindset of Light Yagami except he doesn't want to be some "god" he just wants an ideal world. also he's not obsessed with murdering criminals, he searches for the truth and puts them in jail instead. because the good in his heart overpower his ideals. the biggest difference from characters like Light Yagami and the Azure King to kunikida is that their “ideals” extend to everyone but themselves. they’re okay with getting their own hands dirty if it means that the rest of the world is clean. in kunikida’s case the ideals do extend to himself which is why he’s always so conflicted with killing and death, even if they are criminals. basically the ideal world of kunikida is something that is absolutely impossible to attain. but it’s good, those little differences change a character and its motives but through the Azure King we see what kind of character Kunikida could've been.

finally I wanted to talk about rokuzo. I think it would've given me more impact in the show if they gave him a little more screen-time and talked a little bit more about him and his father, like, they didn't just ignore it but it went by so fast that over time I forgot the reason for rokuzo in the first place. and upon searching the BSD wiki he is 16 in the show and 14 in the novel, which made me understand why it was hard for me to sympathize with him while watching the show so long ago. I honestly thought he was a young adult by the way he is in the show not a whole minor. in the book I was close to heartbroken over the fact that a 14 year old is an orphan and alone the way I felt for kyoka and when Kunikida says "I could never be your dad" LIKE??? the meaning hit harder because you get more context in the novel. rokuzo could've done better in the show if he was 14. especially since a lot of people won't read the light novel because it's already in the show or because they just aren't huge fans. it's whatever honestly, it's not a huge important detail or anything so I don't much care for it.

ALSO did we just collectively agree to not talk about how kunikida was a math teacher as a side job AND was working on a college(?) degree??? i mean probably not anymore but up until dazai joined the agency he was, which i mean, what an icon

the novel was very good though. I've been in a reading slump and this helped me get out of it a little. I like Kunikida much better now and i appreciate his simplicity. i understand the arc a lot better as well which makes me happy.

4/5 definitely recommend wether you're a Kunikida fan or not and probably a must for kunikida fans

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nataliaphantomhivesblog · 3 years

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Shin Soukoku: The new generation of Double Black

This is my 3rd Bungou Stray Dogs post in a row, the brainrot is strong in this one.

This isn't necessairly a ship post, it's just dedicated to their dynamic in general! Take this as you wish<3

WARNING: MAJOR BSD MANGA SPOILERS (chapters 83-88) DON'T READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN THERE YET!!

In this post I will be talking about Shin Soukoku because I personally feel that people don't talk about these two enough.

As we all here know, Atsushi and Akutagawa's relationship is one of the most important ones in the series, mirroring Chuuya and Dazai's relationship.

One could argue that although Soukoku and Shin Soukoku are supposed to be parallels, these two dynamics are very different from each other.

I believe that something that ssk lacks is trust. Atsushi does not trust Akutagawa, even when they are teaming up together Atsushi can't help but feel wary around him.

It's the complete opposite of Soukoku since both Dazai and Chuuya have a partnership that is based on pure trust where both of them are capable of leaving each other's life on the other's hand without a second thought.

Trust is very important in a partnership since there will be times were one of them will have to take life-risking choices while having confidence that their partner will save them.

Fukuchi even points out that if Atsushi and Akutagawa had more trust in each other, he would've been defeated.

In the following pannel, Atsushi is reflecting on Fukuchi's words and you can see how he still struggles when it comes to being able to fully trust Akutagawa, which is understanable considering the latter has tried to kill him countless of times.

It is clear that they have a long way to go to be able to perfectly mold into the 2nd "Double Black". One important step towards growth is for them to start trusting one another.

But just because these two lack trust in each other doesn't mean their dynamic hasn't improved.

These manga pannels show us two things:

Atsushi is having a relazation about Akutagawa as a person, he isn't as bad as he paints him up to be. It literally helps Atsushi get a clearer picture of him since Atsushi has always had a very clouded view of Akutagawa.

Akutagawa kept his word and actually took in what Atsushi had said about not killing people. Atsushi's words impacted Akutagawa and affected him in its own positive way.

To give context behind this pannel: Fukuchi was intending to pin both Atsushi and Akutagawa against each other, more specifically, he wanted Akutagawa to get rid of Atsushi.

Akutagawa put up an act, he started acting as if he was going to kill Atsushi when in reality that wasn't his intention at all.

Akutagawa keeps up with his act, he knows that Atsushi won't be able to "fight" him unless he is fuled by something, and in this case it was by compassion. Atsushi's compassion.

The moment Akutagawa mentioned his lung condition and how he wants to fullfill his goal of killing/defeating Atsushi therefore making Dazai proud before dying, Atsushi did not hesitate to stand up and put up a fight.

Obviously, Atsushi was not aware that Akutagawa didn't want to truly kill him and that it was just a part of his plan.

There are major things to unpack here:

Akutagawa has vowed countless of times that he was going to kill Atsushi, and now that he literally had the perfect opportunity to do so, he deviced a plan to do quite the opposite.

Atsushi was willing to comply with Aku's wishes due to the fact that he has come to an understanding of Akutagawa as a person.

Akutagawa knew exactly what to say to fuel Atsushi into "fighting" him.

They both have come to a mutual understanding. That is a significant step for their dynamic to become stronger.

Unlike Chuuya and Dazai, these two lack balance.

When it comes to Soukoku, Dazai is the one who comes up with the plans while Chuuya is more of a fighter.

(That doesn't mean Chuuya doesn't contribute with the plans but its obvious his talent is focused on combat, same could be said for Dazai, he is a pretty good fighter but his talent is centered around strategies.)

Now I believe that Shin Soukoku shares Chuuya's strenght and combat abilities. Both Atsushi and Akutagawa have been able to defeat their enemies by merging their abilities together.

But when it comes to creating strategies... They aren't the best...

Of course it's going to be difficult for them to even be at the same intellect level as Dazai's, so I don't blame them for struggling.

It has been shown that Akutagawa has the skills to become a good strategist, his overbearing emotions are what eventually holds him back.

That's exactly what Atsushi is there for though. If Atsushi was able to influence Akutagawa into making him stop killing people for 6 months, Atsushi will most likely be able to guide Akutagawa into keeping his emotions in cheek during missions.

Sigh...

Dazai, you intelligent bastard.

Of course Akutagawa saved Atsushi.

He cares for him after all.

Atsushi, if only you knew how much meaning Akutagawa's sacrifice truly holds...

I really hope that Akutagawa will be able to survive this one since in my personal opinion there is still a lot of development and progress left for not only Akutagawa's character, but also for his dynamic with Atsushi.

This won't be the end of their dynamic.

Thank you for reading, I am incredibly thankful<3

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hamliet · 3 years

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What Does It Mean to Save?

I keep seeing it said that Deku, Ochaco, and Shouto will “save” Shigaraki, Himiko, and Dabi, but that there will be no redemption and/or no survival for them. I’m truly not trying to vague these posts and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but literary criticism is fundamentally responsive so I’m writing this anyways.

I personally think that’s not BNHA’s definition of saving nor of redemption. So here, have a deep dive into literary tropes related to redemption, genre, and character arcs as they pertain to BNHA and the question of: what does it mean to save Shigaraki, Touya, and Himiko?

Before we begin, let me say that while we might be personally uncomfortable with redemption (there’s a redemption arc in BNHA I am personally quite uncomfortable with), that doesn’t inherently mean the narrative won’t go there. The key principle I’m operating on here is BNHA’s message that heroes save people. It’s held up as the highest ideal.

So let’s talk redemption in BNHA-verse. With this guy, whose redemption arc I dislike in principle but accept as part of the story so don’t come for me stans and/or antis. I’m analyzing because it shows us what redemption means in BNHA-verse, whether or not that is satisfying to you personally as it fits/does not fit with your own morality/philosophy.

If Endeavor can be redeemed and live, and he’s Bakugou’s negative foil, I highly doubt Shigaraki and Deku as well as Touya and Shouto and Ochaco and Himiko will be any different. Why? Because Enji is an adult character. The others--well, Himiko’s age we don’t know, but we do know that Shigaraki and Dabi are technically adults. But does the story consider them adults?

(It doesn’t.)

Child-coded characters are generally more likely to survive a redemption, which I’ll explain more later. First I have to define what I mean by child-coding, because I DO NOT mean this in the way it’s often (mis)used in fandom wank. Child-coding is a real thing, but it is not done to infantilize and it has nothing to do with shipping.

Child coding frames the character as a child for a few narrative purposes to convey a story’s theme or purpose. For example, if it’s a coming of age story coding a character as a child even if they legally are not emphasizes their journey to an understanding of self-actualization, or a true understanding of self with self-awareness and an understanding of self-value. An example of an adult coded as a child is The Kite Runner, wherein Amir is a legal adult for half the story, even married for fifteen years so we’re talking 30s-40s, but he does not truly become an adult until he returns to his homeland and takes responsibility for a childhood sin. In Attack on Titan, the main characters are now nineteen, but are still struggling to take responsibility as adults and have only started doing so now that their mentors/parental figures have started dying.

Along those lines, in any kind of story, you can code a character as a child of someone, regardless of biological relationship, to convey the type of relationship they have (usually a mentor one). For an example of this, see Bungo Stray Dogs’ Dazai and Akutagawa. Despite their two year age difference, Dazai recruited him to the mafia, abandoned him, and Akutagawa desperately seeks his approval. Usually in these stories a character will “overcome” their parental figure. This can be done through overcoming their need for the parental figure’s approval in stories where the parental figure is kindly (such as in Harry Potter, when in the final book Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave the Weasleys to find the Horcruxes despite Mrs. Weasley’s please) or through like, killing/stopping/leaving the parental figure when they are abusive (see fairy tales like Rapunzel and Cinderella). The parental link to self-actualization is because it is childlike (and a part of actual psychology that is reflected in literature) to see yourself as a part of your parent; self-actualized person would see yourself as a distinct person from your parent, but also acknowledge the ways in which they’ve shaped you.

So, how do you code a character as a child? BNHA isn’t subtle about it, because Horikoshi seldom is subtle about anything. The villain trio are all coded as children.

Shigaraki Tomura:

Who cannot achieve self-actualization so long as AFO has access to his body, as he’s literally trying to possess him. He’s trying, but it’s not gonna work because Shigaraki can’t keep AFO and become an adult at the same time. It’s a choice the narrative is setting up: your dream of destroying, or your freedom? (To get the latter, he’ll probably have to destroy AFO).

Todoroki Touya, who is repeatedly emphasized as a small child when compared to his siblings, and yes, I know he’s now tall. Specifically he’s spotlighted as the child of Endeavor:

And he’s the least self-actualized one in a lot of ways, contradicting himself constantly. I’m not Endeavor, DUH! But these are Endeavor’s flames! He’s gonna have to choose one or the other, because the tragic irony is that the more he takes out his rage on those around him, the more like Endeavor he becomes.

And Toga Himiko (who might well literally be a legal child), who is actually the most self-actualized one thus far, because she rejects Curious’s child insistence (Curious holds her in a Pieta pose, based on Michelangelo’s statue wherein Mary holds a deceased Christ):

She’s still got, like, a way to go though:

Because Himiko also wants to be like the people she loves to the point where she loses her own identity in them, which is er, not self-actualization. So she’ll have to choose whether or not she really wants to be like the people she loves or whether she wants to live her own way, which she herself tells us how that would end (death):

Deku said it himself: it’s good to focus on what someone is doing now. And look, I have issues with this statement and how it’s framed. I’ve talked about it at length and it was doomed to fail because Shouto himself told us long ago that it was annoying to hear a righteous speech by a stranger when you hadn’t gone through the same, plus Endeavor kinda failed by choosing being a hero over a dad here. But, the principle is that if the past doesn’t preclude Endeavor from seeking a better self, why would it preclude three characters coded as children, one of whom is literally somewhat the product of Endeavor’s sins? BNHA doesn’t think the past keeps someone from a better future.

So what about Dabi’s counterpoint, which is indeed valid? Well, redemption doesn’t mean the past forgets, either. It’s complicated and nuanced, and we can debate how well Horikoshi strikes this nuance (it’s got its flaws), and admittedly I don’t know how this will go down in the future. But it is asking Endeavor: how do you redeem yourself to the people you’ve hurt? And we have Endeavor asking this question to Touya’s shrine. I mean, the foreshadowing is obvious. Endeavor has to redeem himself by trying to save Touya. However, it will still probably come down to Shouto to save Touya.

For our three villains, it’s a little harder to predict... well, sort of. For Shigaraki it’s extremely obvious: he has to help take down AFO. Dabi probably has to do something to help his family (siblings probably), but it’s vague. Toga needs help and not condemnation, but presumably she’ll help Ochaco with something.

So, is this redemption? I’d define it as redemption in the eyes of the narrative. To address what makes a redemption is another essay unto itself, but if we bring in the oft-compared Star Wars example: did Darth Vader get a redemption? Did Ben Solo? Everyone says yes to both. However, only Luke witnesses Vader’s redemption, and only Rey Ben Solo’s. So the rest of the galaxy? Doesn’t think so. When I say they’ll be redeemed, I’m defining it as their role in the eyes of the narrative, not whether or not society will accept them or even whether their victims will forgive them (of note, in canonical novels, Leia never forgave Darth Vader despite learning he was her father and obviously knowing Luke’s account of his redemption was true).

So, redemption in a narrative doesn’t mean all of society has to forgive and accept them. Dabi has still like, murdered 30 people--many of whom were thugs, but he himself acknowledges they didn’t deserve to die. Additionally, he himself also acknowledges that the families left behind--their feelings matter:

But why does that mean they have to die? Why even does it mean they have to languish in prison forever? (If there’s even a safe prison at the end of BNHA which I kinda have doubts about.) Heroes have also killed: see Hawks as Exhibit A. In fact, some people want revenge on the heroes precisely because they arrested or killed their loved ones (jail isn’t held up as a rehabilitative place in BNHA’s world. In most countries it isn’t in real life, either, but again that’s for another essay). So why don’t the League’s feelings on Twice’s death matter just as much as the feelings of unnamed and unseen (and thereby less important narratively) characters?

Additionally, regarding death... the villains routinely get called on their death wishes. Himiko’s determination to decide how/when she dies is called out because this is right before Twice overcomes his trauma to save her, and the next arc they appear in is when Twice dies trying to save her again. Dabi’s suicide wish keeps him from getting close to others, and it keeps getting thwarted. Shigaraki’s obsession with destruction and death is clearly not a good thing, and his rejection of his family’s desire for them to join him in death this past arc is growth.

In other words: what Dabi said and what Snatch said about families and how they feel matter for the villains too. The villains are their own weird found family (Dabi as the deadbeat prodigal brother of both his families). Their deaths--Magne’s and Twice’s thus far, and I’m not ruling out further deaths in the future--affect the others. People’s feelings on losing loved ones matter. The villains are people, as Himiko said herself this arc:

Their feelings about each other matter:

How would Touya dying affect the Todorokis? At least they saved him spiritually, I guess, but that’s absolutely lame narratively, and if you have Enji eventually do a sacrifice to save Dabi (pretty likely, even if I personally think Enji will survive said sacrifice) then what’s the point of Dabi dying? How would Himiko dying affect society? As a martyr like Curious wanted her to be, even a redeemed one? A tragic warning story? What even is the point of Ochaco saving her if that’s the case? If Shigaraki dies, well, who would mourn besides Deku? How would Shigaraki dying affect the surviving members of the league? He just couldn’t be saved physically?

It’s not impossible some of this happens, but it doesn’t seem like great writing, especially with panels like, oh, these that show us BNHA’s perspective on death:

Sacrificing something is a type of death that occurs in stories; this should happen in a redemption arc, which is why I’ve been saying Enji needs to sacrifice his hero reputation to help save Touya and even then it’ll still be Shouto imo who does the saving. But physical death?

If you want further analysis of the latter two panels and how they relate to the ending, see here.

We already have another villain who will definitely die redemptively (Kurogiri--an adult coded character--because he’s already, like, dead), and Spinner and Mr. Compress aren’t coded as kids so I hold them with anxiety towards the end. But again, this isn’t me being ageist or saying this is the way things ought to be in fiction or real life: it’s me looking at writing tropes and saying that child-coded characters tend to survive their redemptions. See: Zuko. Why? Because the death of children or child-coded characters is a tragedy. When a child-coded character dies redemptively it doesn’t feel like a happy ending and if framed as such, it’s often criticized for bad writing (see: Ben Solo). Curious even called this out in her fight with Himiko. I would hope Horikoshi doesn’t end the story being like yeah Curious was right that’s the best use of Himiko’s/Dabi’s/Shigaraki’s arcs:

Additionally, as for the believability of a character getting a new chance after so much destruction and murder... well, it’s kinda a thing in shonen and even in seinen? For better or for worse, it’s a thing. We have Vegeta in Dragon Ball Z and Kaneki Ken in Tokyo Ghoul (Kaneki, by the way, is absolutely an inspiration for Shigaraki). We can debate how well-written these redemptions are (I personally have been quite critical of Kaneki’s despite wanting it to happen narratively), but it can be done. BNHA’s Japan especially isn’t as harsh a world as Tokyo Ghoul’s Japan, so it would make even more sense for something like Kaneki’s ending.

The reality is that the cycle of revenge via hurting people and then leaving hurting families and loved ones has to stop somewhere. Someone has to be the bigger person and step up and be like “naw.” That’s heroic. That’s brave. That’s sacrificial itself. Justice itself doesn’t really exist in its purest form without mercy.

There’s another genre-reason I don’t see death or jail as likely (I could see, like, maybe a mental health ward like Rei’s? But it’s too soon to speculate).

If saving is considered a good thing for the story, if it’s truly the highest ideal, then saving someone should be rewarded by the narrative. The characters who save should have a positive result to show us this a good thing.

This is why it doesn’t work for the heroes’ end journey to be accepting that some people cannot be saved. The notion of just accepting that you cannot do something, you cannot save everyone, you cannot, cannot, cannot, is called out as a flaw of society. Determination, on the other hand, is rewarded.

We see it with Deku as well as with Mirio.

So, what if they save them and the redeemed characters then go on to sacrifice themselves in their redemption and die (come to the same end)? If saving changes absolutely nothing for the saved person, if it’s too late for the saved from themselves to change and/or do anything that matters besides die, then the narrative theme of saving as important is left unemphasized at best and undermined at worst. Simple intrinsic knowledge that the kids “did the right thing” doesn’t cut it for a story with so much focus on physical saving when the kids are already doing the right thing; moral struggles about whether to choose to be good aren’t really Deku, Ochaco, or Shouto’s arcs. It works for Aizawa’s arc with Kurogiri, but not for the kiddos. If BNHA was more of a philosophical/spiritual text, that would indeed make sense, but it is not. Genre-wise, BNHA is a fantastical superhero optimistic story, not a gritty real-world set drama.

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along-came-atsushi · 4 years

Text

Akutagawa – Dazai – Atsushi: An analysis about their relationship

And why Dazai treats them so differently.

The symbolism of Atsushi and Akutagawa:

From their outward appearance and their design alone, Atsushi and Akutagawa are meant as opposites, but they’re also a duality:

Both wear black and white clothes, but whereas Atsushi is mostly white with a streak of black, Akutagawa wears mostly black with a streak of white. It’s even represented in their hair colours.

Besides this, there are many other things that mark their oppositeness and their duality to each other:

Atsushi is a member of the ADA, while Akutagawa is a member of the PM. Atsushi’s ability colour is blue, Akutagawa’s ability colour is red. Being a member of the ADA makes Atsushi someone who works for the “light and day”, Akutagawa is someone who works for the “darkness and night.” Atsushi loves cats, Akutagawa hates dogs. Atsushi’s ability takes the form of a tiger, Akutagawa’s ability represents a dragon, both creatures are important elements in Asian mythology. Ultimately, Atsushi symbolizes life or is associated with life, while Akutagawa symbolizes death or is associated with death.

Considering this, the title Shin Soukoku (Double Black) isn’t even a fitting name for them, since they both aren’t simply a double, as both Mori and Fukuzawa or Dazai and Chuuya were.

[Beware: Spoilers starting from chapter 83]

Dazai’s mindset and his relationship with Akutagawa:

1.) One of the reasons why Dazai’s treatment towards Akutagawa as a mentor was so cruel and brutal, firstly lies in his overall negative mental state during his PM time. He was visibly unhappy, constantly surrounded by death and violence, and more than now struggled with his suicidal thoughts.

Is it an explanation for his treatment of Akutagawa? −Yes, it is.

Is it an excuse for his treatment of Akutagawa? −No, it isn’t.

2.) Another reason is that this is just how things are done in the Mafia. There is no sense in handling someone with kid gloves in the PM, a place where you get killed for disobeying orders, where you shouldn’t see your peers as friends or get to intimate with anyone:

“It’s an unwritten rule in the Mafia to not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. One must never open the door to another’s heart and try to judge them for the darkness tucked within.” – Odasaku

If it wouldn’t have been Dazai who taught Akutagawa in such a cruel way, with high probability, it would’ve been someone else. Or as Dazai explained, a sign of weakness will get you killed in the PM:

And Dazai had the absolute chance to kill Akutagawa after he disobeyed orders and killed a person captured for interrogation. His ability can nullify all other abilities by mere touch. He could’ve simply touched Akutagawa, so that he wouldn’t have been able to use his ability to protect himself, and then shot him on the spot. But he didn’t do that, because:

“Akutagawa – he’s like a sword without a sheath.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “He’ll surely become the Mafia’s strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future. But for now he needs someone who can teach him how to put that sword away.” [...]

“When I first saw him over in the slums, I was horrified. His talents are extraordinary, and his skill is extremely destructive. Plus, he’s stubborn. If I’d left him to his own devices, he would’ve ended up a slave to his own powers until he destroyed himself.” – Dazai to Odasaku

He already valued Akutagawa’s skill and saw the huge potential in him:

I was surprised. I had never heard Dazai openly speak so highly of one of his men like that before. [...]

Dazai didn’t freely make people work under him, period; much less a boy on the verge of starvation in the slums. But Dazai seemed to have his own reasons for doing it. – Odasaku about Dazai

Something which is also later confirmed by Atsushi:

“I believe Dazai-san has acknowledged you long ago.”

Why is it then that Dazai still treats Akutagawa so badly and doesn’t tell his approval right to his face? Something that becomes Akutagawa’s main purpose for a long time, even after Dazai left PM.

Dazai’s relationship with Odasaku and Ango:

Dazai’s behaviour and actions when he’s with Ango and Odasaku clearly shows that he can be different and doesn’t treat everyone with cruelty and coldness, if he wants to.

But what’s the difference between the two people he considers his friends and the people who are his subordinates?

-> Ango and Odasaku value and respect life.

The reason Dazai becomes and is attached to Odasaku and Ango is their viewpoint about death and life:

“I would become a novelist and write a story about why the man stopped killing. But to become a novelist, I needed to sincerely know what it meant to live. – Odasaku

“You’re quite the interesting fellow, Ango. Doing that isn’t going to make the boss happy. […]” “You’re making records of the lives of the deceased. Am I right?” […] “The line between human losses and those of money and equipment begin to blur. There is no individual, no soul, and no dignity to death. But you’re fighting back against that.” – Dazai to Ango

This is the reason why he values them so much that he considers them his friends. He’s not friends with them because he gains something from it, or because they have interesting abilities, or because they are on the same intellectual level as him (which they aren’t). Something that gets emphasized by Odasaku’s rank. He descended from an assassin (a high reputation in the PM) to a maid-of-all-work and an errand boy (a low reputation in the PM).

Dazai is attracted to and fascinated by people who value life – something you don’t find in the PM, and something he himself struggles to understand. Probably because there never was a person who taught him this. Like a curious child, he turns to people who he knows have a better understanding in this than him.

He even becomes very irritated when one of his subordinates questions his friendship with Odasaku:

“Dazai, sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but… I saw him [Odasaku] sweeping behind the office the other day. A man of his status isn’t qualified to be your friend, let alone with an enemy like this.” Dazai stared, flabbergasted, at his underling.

“Are you joking? Odasaku’s not qualified?” Dazai asked, thoroughly surprised. […] “You fools!” Dazai’s lips curled into a sneer in genuine disgust.

This respect doesn’t solely concern Odasaku and Ango. Hirotsu is also one of the very few people he respects for this reason. Even though Hirotsu may not value life in the same terms as Odasaku and Ango do, but he also doesn’t lightly throw away his subordinates lives either:

“…Ha-ha! Just kidding!” Dazai abruptly added in a cheery tone. Hirotsu stared back at him, confused. “The reason you have so many people following you is that you don’t turn your back on them. I’ll leave things in your hands. I won’t tell the boss.”

It’s only when Odasaku dies in Dazai’s arms and tells him to go protect the living, that he starts to change his behaviour and viewpoint.

Dazai and his many failed suicide attempts:

Why is it that Dazai − a genius, a manipulator, someone who exactly knows how the human psyche works, someone who’s predictions always come true and who has plans within plans – then always fails when he tries to kill himself?

Dazai has read the book “The Complete Suicide” so often that he can cite it in his sleep. He has engaged in torture and killed many people. He knew exactly how to involve Ango and himself in a car crash without them dying.

If he really wanted to, he could’ve already killed himself many times ago. He claims that “he doesn’t like pain and suffering”, which according to him is the reason why his suicide attempts fail. But there are ways how he could kill himself without just that. It’s just that he doesn’t WANT to die.

„I thought if all went well, I could die a heroic death on the battlefield. But the dozen or so armed guys who showed up were a real scrappy bunch. […] Thus, I unfortunately avoided death once again.”

He always tells that something inconvenient happened that kept him from dying. But sometimes people around him notice that there’s something wrong in his attempts:

“I was walking and reading a book called ‘How To Not Get Hurt Out Of The Blue’ and fell into a drainage ditch.” A surprisingly absurd reason. – Odasaku and Dazai

“I glance at his desk and see the blasphemous book he bought the other day, ‘The Complete Suicide’, opened to a page titled ‘Death by Poisoning Mushrooms.’ Next to the book lies a plate with a half-eaten mushroom on it. However, upon further inspection, it appears to be a slightly different color from the one in the book. – Kunikida about Dazai

“I thought you [Gide] were similar to Dazai at first, rushing into battle and wishing for death without even considering the value of your own life. But he’s different. […] And he’s just a child−a sobbing child abandoned in the darkness of a world far emptier than the one we’re seeing.” – Odasaku to Gide about Dazai.

Dazai is a person who actively seeks life and wants to be freed from his own philosophy. He’s struggling between seeking death, which he thinks is the only way to free him from his loneliness and suffering, and seeking life for the simple reason that he doesn’t want to die.

Dazai’s relationship with Atsushi:

Atsushi saved Dazai from drowning despite the fact that he himself was on the brink of starvation. The first thing Dazai got attached to Atsushi is his view on life. Despite the abuse he suffered, Atsushi seeks life and wants to live, makes it even his reason to fight and his life motto.

“The lives of those who can’t save anyone have no value”. In that moment an idea suddenly popped into my mind. […] If by any chance I can let the passengers return home save and sound does that prove that it’s okay for me to live?”

Throughout the story, Atsushi transfers his viewpoint and determination to characters who have a connection to death, darkness and/or suffering (e.g. Kyouka, Lucy).

The reason Atsushi values life, being the symbolical personification of it, is the reason why Dazai is able to treat him much better than Akutagawa.

Forming Shin Soukoku:

Dazai says that Akutagawa is a highly skilled student, but he needs someone to sharpen him. He instantly decides and plans to team him up with Atsushi, the moment he meets him. He knows that Atsushi, due to his view on life, is the only one who can teach Akutagawa to value life himself and to change as a person. In other words “the one who can teach him how to put that sword away”.

This is something Dazai in the past couldn’t and still can’t teach Akutagawa (or anyone at all for that matter). Because he himself needs and wants to be taught that, so he seeks people who are able to give him a different understanding in this (see Ango and Odasaku). Vice versa Akutagawa isn’t able to teach Dazai how to value life, because he himself represents death and has a strong connection to it. It’s one of the very first things he says when he gets introduced in the story:

“Fear death. Fear slaughter. Those who desire death have an equal desire to die.”

Even though Atsushi’s words may seem very harsh, but it IS one of the reasons why Dazai so abruptly abandoned Akutagawa. Is it an explanation? −Yes, it is. Is it an excuse? −No, it isn’t.

Another reason is that Dazai tries to flee from his responsibilities, his past and the terrible things he has done (including Akutagawa’s abuse), because he is not able to face them. Not now that is. He is still in need of guidance and of change, in order to be able to do this.

[Side note: Dazai and guilt is something that can be analysed in its very own meta. I’m not expanding on it further here].

Akutagawa’s connection to death gets emphasized by him even disobeying orders to not kill, for the sole reason that in his mind, killing is much simpler and more effective. He lashes out and tries to kill the people who are respected by Dazai and/or considered friends, even though he should know that an action like this will definitely not get him the approval he so wants.

He was willing to kill Atsushi, even though his mission was to capture him alive, ignoring the possible consequences this would have had for him.

But throughout the story Akutagawa changes his viewpoint. He thinks that the reason why Dazai acknowledges Atsushi and puts him above him, is because he is a better (better in the sense of physical and ability strength) subordinate than him. But he realizes that this can’t be the case and questions it more than once:

His former pure jealousy and grudge towards Atsushi (something which he also felt for Odasaku) slowly turns into questioning, trying to understand what differs them from each other. Dazai knows very well that Akutagawa is still obsessed with him and his approval. Therefore if necessary, he uses this to manipulate him, if it’s to either protect/help Atsushi or to get them both to work together:

Akutagawa starts to constantly challenge Atsushi, questioning him, and demanding him for an answer. It’s only when Akutagawa saves Yokohoma from the Moby Dick crash, that Dazai openly tells him “you did well”.

The reason why Dazai does this so hesitantly, shows that he is still in his own metamorphosis. He’s slowly changing as is Akutagawa. He is still afraid to face his responsibilities, but doesn’t treat his former subordinate cruel anymore.

This change in Akutagawa goes so far that Atsushi is able to ask him to not to kill anyone until they meet again. When told about, Dazai is visibly happy, as it is something that he as a mentor wasn’t able to do. He is reminded of Odasaku, comparing Akutagawa now to him:

Due to this, Dazai now has this much faith in Akutagawa that he puts the task to keep an eye on Atsushi and to protect him in his hands:

Mind the difference of his expressions when he talks with Akutagawa then and now:

Dazai doesn’t team Atsushi and Akutagawa up only for strength and fighting reasons. Or because their abilities are compatible in battle. But because Dazai knows that Akutagawa won’t unnecessarily kill anymore, because he is seeking answers through Atsushi and is changing through their interactions:

He keeps his promise, much to Atsushi’s surprise, but it’s out of the question that he is happy about this:

Akutagawa promising not to kill anyone, keeping his promise in the end and even going so far as to protect someone, in other words valuing life, is something which Dazai could’ve never taught him. And again, he still can’t. Dazai is not solely the teacher, but the student himself. And although Atsushi may be a teacher for both of them in his philosophy, he is a student of Akutagawa and Dazai in other things.

Because what Atsushi lacks is self-confidence and his own worth, faith in his own abilities and the mental strength to overcome his past abuse and trauma. Those are things he learns through Dazai and especially, through Akutagawa.

#ryunosuke akutagawa bsd #atsushi nakajima bsd #osamu dazai bsd #shin soukoku #sakunosuke oda bsd #ango sakaguchi bsd #Ryunosuke Akutagawa #Atsushi Nakajima #Osamu Dazai #Sakunosuke Oda #Ango Sakaguchi #Bungou Stray Dogs #bsd meta #my meta

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whorefordazai · 3 years

Note

Hi, please ignore this if you aren't taking requests at the moment.

So recently, I came out to my girlfriend as nonbinary. I thought I was trans male for a while, but recently discovered that nonbinary just fits me more. Shortly after that she texted me, to break up with me. She said something along the lines of "it was difficult even when you thought you were trans, but nonbinary is just too much for me"

If you're comfortable with writing it, could I request dazai, chuuya, akutagawa (and maybe fyodor if you want) comforting reader when they're dumped after coming out to their partner?

Usually I wouldn't go anonymous to request something, but I'm honestly humiliated by it, and it's causing a lot of negative thoughts and feelings.

I hope you're having a good day, ily ♡

Hey bestie👋first, I just wanted to say that ilysm and you are valid for who you are! I must admit, I also had a point in my life where I thought I was a trans male, but later on decided I’m fine as a she/they😅(gender is still something I could give less fucks about) I struggled a lot during those years to figure out who I am. And rejection, especially from someone you love-I know that feeling all too well🏃🏼‍♀️It’s okay to feel many things right now. But just know that regardless of who you are, this blog will always be a safe space💗message me anytime bae and take care of yourself <3

comforting you through a break up

ft. dazai | chuuya | aku x gn! reader

genre: fluff

warnings: none

Dazai

This man would be an amazing distraction for your negative thoughts.

He might not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but he will do everything in his power to make you laugh!

For example, he’d randomly take you out at the most bizarre hours.

He’d push you awake at like 3am to help him break into an amusement park😭

“W-what? Dazai, where are we going?”

“To an amusement park! Where else?”

“IT IS STILL DARK OUTSIDE.”

Late night adventures to make sure you’re both sleep deprived the next day😁

He’d make sure to tell you that you’re a bad bitch and there are plenty of people other there who want your hot ass💗

Hyping you up 24/7

There isn’t a dull moment between the two of you.

But sometimes, the both of you can enjoy the peace and comfortable silence that takes over when no one is speaking. It’s almost serene.

But don’t worry, his antics aren’t over!

He’d ask you to commit double suicide with him even more than usual

“Darling! Let us take the pain of broken hearts and jump off a bridge! ◕‿◕”

“ó‿ó?”

Chuuya

When you first told him, he was a little bit pissed😳

Only because he couldn’t even imagine someone rejecting you for such a silly reason.

“You’re perfect just the way you are.” He’d mutter, patting your back. (Give him a break, he’s bad at consoling people😭)

(If you drink) he’d take you drinking with him. Of course, if you’re more sober than him, you’d have to witness his drunk thoughts and actions.

“C-Chuuya! I think you should get down from the bar...”

“NO.”

You miserably watch him from the corner (recording on your phone) pretending to strip on the bar table, moving a seductive arm up his leg.

It’s either you and or him doing the stripping on the bar babe🙄

He wouldn’t be one to exactly talk about “feelings” but he will always be there to support you (even though he won’t outright admit it🙄🦶)

If you randomly break down and start crying, he’d awkwardly look in every direction but yours like “ಥ_ಥ”

With no ideas on how to make you stop crying, he’d place his fedora on your head to cover your eyes ( ･_･)♡ (😖💗)

You’d furiously thank him, and he’d just mutter an “alright, alright😒🙄”

(He knows he’s secretly the best)

Chuuya knows rejection all too well, so he would be able to empathize on your situation.

He may not be the best at coping mechanisms, but this man would go to the ends of the earth to make you feel better🤸‍♀️

Akutagawa

Let’s be honest, this man has even worse coping mechanisms.

When you first told him, he’d be silent for a moment. He’d cough into his hand and say “I’d like to have a talk with this...exᇂ_ᇂ”

He said that with the full intent of murder ◔_◔

Don’t get him wrong, if he cares about you as much as he does for Gin, his first instinct will be to eliminate any person who hurts you🏃🏼‍♀️💨

You quickly nervous laugh and tell him not to murder anyone pls ಥ‿ಥ

Even though he can’t relate to your situation, he does understand rejection and how shitty one can feel.

Other then that, he really has no clue what to do and how else to help you.

So he goes to Gin ◕﹏◕

He actually listens to Gin’s advice. “Just be there for them. That’s all they need right now.”

His mind: “be there for them ಠ~ಠ?”

He doesn’t know what that exactly means, but he has an idea that he’s supposed to be next to you all the time.

Determined to make you feel better, he ends up following you everywhere👩‍🦯

“Um, Ryu...are you following me everywhere ◔_◔?”

He’d cough, and look at you with an emotionless expression.

“I’m being there for you ᇂ_ᇂ”

He’s trying his best, pls let him follow you😭

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linkspooky · 4 years

Text

Kunikida + Oda: Death of a Good Man

While Kunikida and Oda have never met in canon they are characters with a lot in common. They both essentially play the same role, as the moral center of their respective groups (particularly acting as a conscience for Dazai). They both share the same strengths and weaknesses. However, one lives and one dies. MORE UNDER THE CUT.

1. Relationship with Dazai

Dazai is a character who has trouble seeing himself as a person. That is, he doesn’t see himself as the same as everyone else. (His ability is titled No Longer Human, surprise, surprise). Oda says as much to Dazai, that traditional values like good or evil don’t really mean that much to him.

“Whether you’re on the side that takes lives, or the side that saves them nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander for eternity.”

...

“Be on the side that saves people. If both sides are the same, then choose to be a good person.” - Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

It’s not that Dazai is a sociopath, or even unfeeling, it’s just that he is so distanced from his own humanity, and from other people. He genuinely believes he can’t feel the same way as they do. Dazai even described the way he saw himself to Fyodor.

Dazai tells Fyodor that he feels like he’s sperate from everyone else. It’s like he’s the player, and everybody else is pieces on the game board. But, even though he might come up with strategies and move the pieces, he’s not really the one changing things, or affecting other people’s lives because he’s not right there in the middle of things he’s far away.

Dazai even flashes back to Oda and Gide’s final showdown when trying to explain this feeling to Fyodor. Oda his closest and only friend at the time, who he could not reach out to and save. Dazai believes he can’t touch other people, he can’t reach out and save them, because he sees himself as lacking in feelings or a heart. Which is why, Dazai relies on the people around him. Dazai attached himself to Oda when he was in the Mafia, and then again to Kunikida when he was detective agency to essentially act as his heart, his external conscience for him. That’s the relationship he shares with both of them. It’s why the first two light novels are essentially about Dazai, but narrated from the point of view of his partner at the time. Light novel one is about his partnership with Kunikida, and Light Novel 2 is about his friendship with Oda back in the dark age. The connection between them is that both Oda, and Kunikida are good, just men who have tried to understand Dazai in one way or another.

The events of both light novels even mirror each other to an extent. Entrance exam is about Dazai joining the agency, Dark Era is about Dazai leaving the mafia. Entrance exam is about Kunikida failing to understand Dazai, but learning to trust him anyway. Dark Era is about Oda being the only one who fully understands Dazai, but then not listening to him at the end of the story. They both end with a symbolic death, Oda commits double suicide with Gide, whereas Kunikida pretends to shoot Dazai in order to follow his plan.

Dazai’s a master strategist, but he’s not a leader of men, nor does he have any particular ideals he stands for. Dazai was given a position of leadership within the port mafia, and not only did he spend the entire time tormenting his closest subordinate but he didn’t care about the lives of his subordinates the way Chuuya does.

Dazai sees Kunikida as someone having the ideals he does not have, therefore doing what he cannot, and being what he cannot be to others. This is a role Oda used to serve as his one and only friend. However, while they occupy the same spot as Dazai’s most trusted person their relationships with him are very different.

Kunikida is very combative with Dazai and always fighting against him. He personally expects Dazai to be better in all aspects. He scolds him for being lazy and neglecting his work. When Dazai messes with other people or manipulates them, it’s Kunikida who is the first to get frustrated with him. Kunikida also, tends to lack a fundamental understanding of Dazai. It’s a running joke that he’s always a step behind him (he’s the last person to find out Dazai was a mafia member when everyone else already knew). The literal first thing established about their relationship in the first chapter, is that they are constantly fighting with each other. They barely make it through a dinner with Atsushi.

However, Kunikida also listens to Dazai when it’s important. It’s the other way around with Oda, Oda is someone who does fundamentally understand who Dazai really is deep down. However, at the same time Oda doesn’t really try to exert any influence over Dazai until the very end of his life. Their relationship was defined by being distant to one another, and not asking questions.

The reason why Ango and I were able to be by his side was that we understood the solitude that surrounded him, and we never stepped inside it no matter how close we stood.

But in that moment, I kind of regretted not stepping in and invading that solitude.

Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era.

Him, Ango and Dazai could only keep meeting as the Buraiha at the Lupin bar if they pretended to not know anything about what each other did outside of the bar. They’re different in one main aspect, Kunikida fights Dazai, and Oda doesn’t start fighting until it’s almost far too late.

2. Living and Dying for One’s Ideals

One more direct parallel between the two is that Kunikida and Oda are both characters who strive to live up to the ideal they find in a book. Literally. Kunikida obsessively writes out his ideals in his notebook where he has his whole future planned out.

What are ideals? There are innumerable answers to that question. One could say it’s merely a term, or an idea, or perhaps even the soruce of all meaning. But if you ask me, the answer is obvious. It’s the word written on the cover of my notebook. My notebook has all the answers. It is my creed, my master, and a prophet that guides me. At times, it can either be a weapon ro a solution. Ideals. Everything I am is written in this notebook which I always carry with me. My entire future lies within it - Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

Oda picked up a book and loved it so much he wanted to write the ending for himself.

After worrying about it for so long, I came to one conclusion. “Then you write what happens next.” I decided to write about it myself. I would become a novelist, and write a story about why the man stopped killing. But to become a novelist, I needed to sincerely know what it meant to live. So, I stopped killing. - Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era.

Kunikida and Oda are both characters who find their will to live for the future within the pages of a book. Which makes sense as both characters struggle with lofty ideals and a harsh reality. Oda and Kunikida are characters written about the struggle to be a good man, in a world that is not good. To hold ideals, in a world that is not ideal. This once again ties back to what Dazai said to Fyodor, God isn’t perfect harmony, he’s illogical and absurd.

The world isn’t ideal and orderly. It’s extremely, extremely messy. Kunikida and Oda are both characters who strive to be better, and want the world to be better and because of that they fall into conflict. However, Oda lost his fight, and Kunikida is still fighting. Part of why Dazai got so attached to Kunikida is also because he saw Oda’s ideals within Kunikida, and knew that carrying those ideals could crush him so easily.

“Justice is a weapon. It can be used to harm, but it cannot protect and save others.” -Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exams

The meanings of Dazai’s words are clear when you look at them in the context of what he learned after losing Oda. Oda decided to throw his life away to avenge the children after Gide. He achieved justice then. However, nobody was saved. The children were already dead. Oda himself wasn’t saved. Dazai lost his only friend.

“Something?” I looked at Dazai. “There isn’t anything, Dazai. It’s all over. Everything. Whatever else happens now is meaningless - just like I’m about to do. AM I wrong?” “Odasaku...” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording but - don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be soemthing...”

[...]

Oda’s march against Gide isn’t just tragic, it’s a deliberate choice. It was a suiide. He’s given several oppurtunities to just walk away, or wait for something else to give him a reason to live and he doesn’t. His final actions hurt more than they helped. Yes, he did save Dazai in a way by throwing his life away, but Dazai also lost the person who could understand him. Oda could have lived. He could have done more if he had lived. Dazai even says so in dead apple, saving people is the more beautiful path, but you have to be alive to see that beauty.

This is also why Kunikida and Oda have such a connection to Dazai. Underneath their struggles to be a good man they are both constantly dealing with suicidal feelings.

Kunikida is far more fragile than he lets on. Part of the reason he attaches himself to ideals rather than people, is because caring about people hurts, and he is so afraid of failing the people in his life (the same way Oda eventually failed to protect the children) that he can’t admit the depth to which he cares about them.

Kunikida struggles to save everyone in front of him, but that’s also because Kunikida is internally someone who is very fragile. He can’t handle the loss, especially losing those he is close to. When Atsushi is hospitalized after his first fight with Akutagawa, he pretends to be unconcerned. When Atsushi wants to save Kyoka, Kunikida tries to persuade him to not save her. Oda and Kunikida are both avoidant characters, Oda avoided ever stepping inside of Dazai’s loneliness, and Kunikida avoids getting close to others because they fear the people they cannot save. Kunikida cares so much and so deeply, that he’s completely shattered when he fails someone.

Every strategy by the detective agency’s enemies relies on crushing Kunikida because he’s the easiest target. When he fails like this he wants to give up. Kunikida and Oda have this dark underside to their actions where they’re fighting continually to be better, but when they fail, they long to throw their lives away and give up the struggle.

Part of the reason they’re attracted to Dazai is deep down Kunikida and Oda both have the same suicidal feelings. Kunikida knows that his ideals will never live up to the reality.

However, secretly he longs to fail so he won’t have to struggle against it anymore.

“I let go of Dazai. I understand what he’s aying. Perhaps righteousness isn’t something you seek in others, but something you search for inside of yourself. Even then... Miss Sasaki is dead, and so is Rokuzo. All I’ve found in my search for righteousness within myself is a sense of hopelessness.”

Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

The question is can you continue to live? Even if you fail over and over again to do better. Even if the things you try to protect all die. Kunikida’s arc so far mirrors Oda’s. The things he told himself he would protect, he failed to. The promises he made, he breaks. He said he was never going to watch a child die in front of him, and then it happens.

He said he was never going to fail to protect the agency again, but then the agency became the victims of the hunting dogs, and Kunikida had to go completely on the run. He said he was going to throw himself away in a big bang against the hunting dogs to show his ideals would never fail, and instead.

He even loses his ideals and his ability to write in the notebook. So, what is the difference between Kunikida and Oda that allows Kunikida to keep struggling where Oda did not. I think it’s not really a difference between them, so much as it’s a difference between Dazai. Dazai’s grown since then and realized his mistakes with Oda, and because of that doesn’t stay at a comfortable distance from Kunikida.

Dazai has grown enough between then and now he’s able to reach people who feel similiarly to him. He understood the suicidal feelings of both Kunikida, and Oda, but he didn’t reach out to Oda until it was too late. However, Dazai has grown to the point where he not only understands Kunikida’s struggle and sympathizes with him, but he’s also able to say the words he couldn’t say to Oda until it was too late.

There’s no such thing as a point of no return. There is no point where everything is already over. Even if you fail to protect someone, even if you fail to protect everyone.

"Anything I would never want to lose will be lost. It is given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There's nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging life of suffering."

Dazai is still the same person that said this. Deep down that’s what Kunikida and Oda both fear, that after Oda failed the orphans, that after Kunikida could not save an innocent child in front of them, that no matter how hard they fought all of their attempts to protect someone would fail that way. At which point their fighting seemed to become meaningless.

Dazai knowing those feelings has moved past that lament. He still believes that the struggle may be meaningless, but he reassures them that they can keep fighting anyway.

If there’s no great glorious ideal to live for, if nothing we do matters, than all that matters is what we do. The world isn’t good, the world will never be as good as we want it to be, yet Kunikida can still strive to be good in the face of that.

#dazai osamu #kunikida doppo #oda sakunosuke #odasaku #bungou stray dogs #bsd meta #bungou stray dogs meta #bungou stray dogs theory #bungou stray dogs analysis

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nolongerwrites · 4 years

Note

Hellooo! I really loved the one with the drunk reader who doesent regonize the boys, can i please have the same headcannons for atsushi, akutagawa, mori and fukuzawa? (I hope 4 charackters are not to much) I looove your writting so much and I hope you are doing good!

Oh thank you so so much for reading! I’m struggling a lot right now but I’m trying to get back on my feet and pick up my writing again! I hope your doing well anon and I’m sorry this took so long 💕💕

Akutagawa, Atsushi, Fukuzawa, and Mori with a drunk F!reader

Akutagawa

꧂ poor aku left you alone with chuuya for 10 minutes. ONLY 10 WHOLE MINUTES and he came back to a drunk Y/N.

꧂ Chuuya had only offered you a glass of wine with him, that then turned into a game of seeing who could drink the most in under a few minutes. So in reality akutagawa came back to a drunk Y/N and a drunk chuuya

꧂ you were giggling uncontrollably, even spilling wine all over the place. Aku decided that was enough and you needed to go home before you start throwing up everywhere like you usually did

꧂ he placed a hand on your shoulder and took the glass out of your hand, “I swear you act like a child everytime I leave you two alone-“

꧂ “whooo the hell do you think you arrre? Give me that back you ass your not mmmmy boyfriend”

꧂ he twisted his head and confusion. You two had been together for 3 years already and you never mentioned anything about breaking up. So that meant that you were so drunk off your ass that you couldn’t even recognize your own Boyfriend. I mean yeah he didn’t have his coat on but that shouldn’t make him any less recognizable. He was gonna speak up until your blabbering interrupted him again

꧂ “I have a boyfriend thank you very much! He’s a lot more intimidatinnnnng than you and he’s much more handsome. He acts all hard and mighty but on the inside he’s such a little baby” you slurred. And then chuuya’s drunk self chimed in

꧂ “yeah fuck off you skinny asshole, I’m here to make sure she’s gonna be okay.. she’s not some kind of two faced bitch” he yelled. As you shouted a ‘yeah’ really loud, akutagawa slipped on his coat as quietly as he could before coming back into your view

꧂ both you and chuuya lit up instantly and laughed. “aku my love!!! Have a drink with us!!” You happily shouted before handing him a glass. He pinched the bridge of his nose before setting it back down on the table and taking your hand in his “no. Y/N you’ve had enough for tonight. I can’t even leave you alone with these fools without you getting yourself in trouble-“

꧂ “heeey your not my dad let me liiiive. Aku no I’m not going. Leave me alone! I said nnnnNNO”

꧂ in the end he had to use rashoumon to restrain you until you got home safely

Atsushi

꧂ it was at a party the ADA decided to throw in celebration for your birthday where Dazai decided to share too many shots with you

꧂ so everyone dressed nicely. Suits, party dresses, etc. Atsushi has come back from bringing you your gifts when he noticed your face was flushed and you were kind of swaying in your chair. Dazai mimicking the same actions next to you

꧂ Atsushi knee that you were definitely drunk but he wasn’t going to tell you anything since it was your birthday. He smiled and walked over to give you your gift and you instantly went into defense mode

꧂ “who are you and what are youuu doing here? What’s that? Is this annnnn attack on the ADA?? Try me BITCH!!!”

꧂ Atsushi started to freak out. We’re you talking to him??? Everyone else looked around in confusion as you started throwing sloppy punches and kicks at Atsushi. Dazai, being just as drunk as you were, joined in. So now you both were stumbling around giggling and ‘fighting’

꧂ “back off bitch I’ll get my boyfriend! He’s gonna beat your ass because he’s stronnng”

꧂ “Y/N I am your boyfriend! I’m Atsushi?!”

꧂ “your not my Atsushi, my Atsushi is handsome and loving and he would never try and hurt the ADA unnnlike you! You white haired son of a bitch”

꧂ Atsushi sighed as he continued to dodge your punches. Everyone thought it was pretty amusing so they didn’t bother stepping in to try and stop either you or Dazai. That’s when Dazai has snuck around Atsushi and grabbed him underneath his arms and held him in place “got him Y/N!!”

꧂ somehow Atsushi managed to escape from Dazai’s grasp and dart out of the room before either of you could activate your abilities. He came back 30 minutes later in his regular cloths hoping that maybe you’d recognize him now

꧂ “Atsushi honey be carefuuuull some asshole was trying to attack us, but don’t worry I’ll protect you,” you said before enveloping you in a big hug and patting his head.

꧂ everyone in the ADA snickered and atsushi promised to keep a better eye on you when you decided to drink.

Fukuzawa

꧂ This was at a party the ADA threw after the fight with the guild

꧂everyone was in formal wear, even fukuzawa who chose to match your flows olive green dress. He instead wore a suit instead of his signature Yukata and you wore a floor length dress with a sheer Shaw over your shoulders

꧂ you are a grown woman, he shouldn’t have to tell you that maybe 4 bottles of sake was too much for you to handle. Yet here you are about to start your fifth one with ranpo before fukuzawa snatched it out of your hand

꧂ “Y/N I don’t need you getting yourself sick or having me clean up your vomit in about an hour, that’s enough for you tonight”

꧂ you turned around and faced him with the most terrifying glare anyone had ever seen. The anger practically radiated off your body in massive waves that it even scared ranpo a little

꧂ “who the fuck are you? And who gave you the right to talk to me like that??”

꧂ ranpo even started sweating a little. He basically viewed both you and your husband as parental figures so he knew how scary you could be when you unleashed your wrath

꧂ fukuzawa pinched the bridge of his nose, knowing damn well you were going to make a scene

꧂ “DONT make me get my husband, actually you know what? I don’t need to get him. I’ll fucking take you down myself you motherfucker,” you said through gritted teeth

꧂ “Y/N please sit down-“

꧂ “how do you know my name? Who are you..? Are you here to hurt my husband like that other asshole? Try me bitch, I’ll protect him evennnn if it kills me! Ranpo darling help me please”

꧂ ranpo didn’t help you. In the end all you managed to do was land a sloppy punch to fukuzawas shoulder before he literally threw you over his shoulder and carried you out of the room

꧂ you protested and shouted, making everyone else in the room laugh at your drunken state

꧂ you managed to further embarrass yourself when you threw up on fukuzawas back-

꧂ long story short- anytime the ADA threw parties you were not aloud to have a single drop of alcohol unless fukuzawa was by your side

Mori

꧂ you loved drinking with mori. You loved tasting many fine and expensive wines and mixed drinks with him like it was a hobby. So he wasn’t exactly surprised when he found you trying to shove large gulps of wine down chuuyas throat when he came back from shopping with Elise

꧂ so he was wearing simple clothing and Elise stood next to him in her brand new sparky dress

꧂ “boss please help I think she’s trying to kill me-“

꧂ “Elise sweetheaaaaart you look so adorable in your dress!! Who is that man next to you? Is he trying to hurt you?!?”

꧂ you quickly stumbled over to Elise and picked her up, holding her protectively to your side, “who are you? Where’s mori??”

꧂ all while this was happening chuuya was in the back gasping for air on the floor and mori watched the scene in front of him play out. You were drunk, chuuya was probably over exaggerating, Elise had the biggest shit eating grin on her face, and you currently didn’t understand that your husband was standing right in front of you

꧂ “Elise honey I’ll protect you, I won’t let this bad man hurt you anymore,” you said as you hugged her to your chest tightly “I’ll make sure no one ever lays a finger on you again!”

꧂ “Y/N darling it’s me-“

꧂ “back off you imposter!! I’ll make sure you have a slow painful death when my husband gets here” you shouted before taking off down the hallway with Elise still in your arms. Elise turned and stuck her tongue out at mori before she disappeared into the darkness

꧂ mori found you passed out on the couch back at your shared home. How you managed to get home by yourself heavily intoxicated amazed and confused him for days but he still made sure you didn’t hurt yourself. You apologized to him before hurling up the contents of your stomach on the floor

꧂ when he told you about your little incident the next day you told him that you’d never drink again. And that you’d apologize to chuuya when you saw him next

꧂ well that promise went right out the window, because not even 5 hours later you were drunk again running around the port mafia base with Elise as mori watched through the cameras

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animepreferences · 4 years

Text

P R E F E R E N C E # 8 - I H A T E Y O U

*Authors Note: I got sent home from work with a fever and I’m feeling a bit ill, but I wanted to write this for you guys. Hopefully my emotions don’t reflect too much on this preference and it isn’t too dark. Sometimes I overdue it a bit when I’m feeling low.

C H U U Y A

“I hate you.”

He had went too far. He knew it almost immediately, as he watched your face change instantly, the anger absolving into hurt. He would watch as your parted lips would mash into a grimace, your eyes instantly filling with hurt. He knew his words were mean, he even knew that he was taking his anger out on you. He didn’t know, however, that you were taking it so personally. And the second the tears would gush down your cheeks miserably, his heart would shatter into a million and one pieces because he would know.

“Y/N-Y/N...” He would stutter, his breath hitching in the back of his throat as he stared at you completely bewildered. He wanted to hold you in his arms, tell you how sorry he was, but he didn’t know how deep the hurt went, and he didn’t want you to push him away. Sure, he would be deserving of that. Sure, it would totally be in order, but it would hurt him. It would hurt him tremendously.

“I’m so sorry.” Deciding against himself, he would enclose you in a bone crushing hug. At first your arms would tighten at your sides, your frame unwilling to budge. You didn’t want to hug him back, you didn’t want to give in to his malicious damage control, but in your heart you knew. You knew Chuuya; the good, the bad, the ugly. You knew his heart, his intentions. You knew he would never purposefully try to hurt you. You knew he would never mean to make your tears fall. He was simply angry. And you knew better than anyone that he didn’t know how to control his anger. You were helping him every day, but he still had so far to go. He needed you. Slowly raising your arms, you would reciprocate the hug, your cheek pressing against his chest. “I can’t take the words back now. I know you may never fully forgive me, but my heart beats for you and for you only. You can’t even begin to know the disgust I feel with myself for making you cry.” He would whisper into your hair, stroking it gently as his own tears soaked into your scalp. “Please forgive me. I can’t lose you, I’m—I’m begging.” He would plead, his chest heaving as his own tears began to fall down his cheeks rapidly. You could hear the desperation in his voice as he cried, the remorse illustrated clear as day. There’s no way this man hated you. Not for one second would you believe that, not when the strongest person you know was currently deconstructing before your eyes in fear of losing you. Chuuya loved you. He loved you so much. This you knew. “I know you love me, Chuuya. I love you too.” You would whisper as his arms would wound tighter around you, his grasp reassuring you that he would never let go of you. Not now, not ever.

D A Z A I

“I hate you.”

Tears would roll down your cheeks, as you would drop to your knees face buried in your hands. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” You would scream until your lungs burned, your body becoming weak. “I hate you for putting yourself in danger, I hate for you never knowing when to say no, I hate you for not knowing your limits, and I hate you for-for leaving me!” Your screams would be shrill and desperate, Kunikida’s arms wrapping around your chest as he pulled you back away from Dazai’s nearly lifeless body. “L-Let go of me!” You would sob, struggling uselessly against the strong grasp. You hated how foreign his arms felt, you hated how the person comforting you should be the one who was close to death, not his partner. “Akikko Yosano will be here soon, calm down Y/N. He’s going to be okay.” Kunikida desperately tried to calm you as you let out uncontrollable wails, your screaming now happening against your own will. Really, you had forgotten you were screaming until you felt the urge to black out yourself. Furthermore, everything had became exceedingly blurry. You had always said the day you lost Dazai would be the day your own world would come to a screeching halt. Originally you had thought that it was just the romance speaking; that surely there would be a way to go on without him when that time came, but you were realizing the hard way that that would be impossible. You were realizing that without Dazai, there would be no reason to go on. No reason to live because in your body and soul you knew he was the reason. You knew that he was your purpose. Your only purpose. “You can’t die, Osamu Dazai, if you do I will-I will never forgive you. If you die before me right now, I will die HATING you!” You screamed, finally collapsing into Kunikida’s embrace your head dizzy and light. His arms clutched you tight as you sobbed, pulling the material of his shirt into your fists in frustration. “Damn it, damn it, damn it all.” You would whisper, the tears causing your frail body to tremble violently. “Kunikida-San. You can at least wait till my body is cold before you steal my love.” Dazai would choke out, blood trickling down his chin as he let out a strained cough. “Dazai, you idiot save your energy.” Kunikida would scold, loosening his grip so you could crawl to Dazai instinctively. “Don’t you dare die.” You would whisper, placing his head in your lap as you leaned down to kiss his nose, his blood transferring to your own face. “How can I knowing that you would hate me if I did?” He would inquire, his voice weak, his eyes blinking slowly. “That-That’s right. I would hate you so much.” You cried, tears dripping onto his face as he let out a frail laugh. “We can’t have that.” Feeling a hand on your shoulder, you would look up to see Yasano with genuine smile, her eyes hopeful and confident. “I can take it from here, Y/N-ah. This lunatic isn’t going to die that easy.”

A K U T A G A W A

“I hate you.”

You would explode, turning on your heel in a complete fit of rage. “Is that what you wanted to hear Akutagawa? Are you happy now? I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!” Picking up the vase beside you, you would throw it to the ground with infuriation, ignoring how it scattered around you in a multitude of minuscule pieces. “It’s like you can’t even understand me unless I am speaking your language, so do you hear me now? Do I have your attention for once in my life? I HATE YOU!” The tears would roll down your face miserably. You had never once in your life lost your cool on him before. You had always been very patient with his unwillingness to accept the fact that he truly was a good guy in your eyes, that you loved him fervently. But you had grown exhausted by his constant stubbornness. You had had grown tired of having to tell him everyday that his heart was in the right place and he deserved to live. Most importantly, you had grown tired of his constant desire to get you to leave him; even if it was for your own sake. Why couldn’t he get over the fact that you loved him? That you weren’t going anywhere? Sometimes it felt like he didn’t want you anymore, that maybe just maybe he didn’t want you in the same way you wanted him. You just wished he would tell you that. “Y/N-“ Aku would say, his mouth parted in horror. “Don’t-Don’t look at me like that. It’s what you want, right? You want me to hate you, you want me to leave! Maybe I will!” The scream was gut wrenching, taking every last bit of energy out of you as you dropped to your knees ignoring the glass that crunched beneath your knees. The pain was unbearable, blood oozing out of you at a rapid pace, but not as unbearable as the thought of leaving Akutagawa was. To be completely fair, nothing was as unbearable as that. The room would fall into a pit of silence as your sobs would rake through your body, your sniffles as loud as a gun shot. Then Akutagawa would speak and say the words you had always yearned to hear. “I love you. Even if you do hate me. I love you for now and for always.” It was the words you had first uttered when Akutagawa had told you that he hated you. You couldn’t believe he remembered those words down to punctuation, you couldn’t believe that he was reciting them to you now. Truly he wouldn’t have remembered if he didn’t love you. “I wouldn’t want hurt anybody else either, you’re stuck with me for life unfortunately.” Quoting you again, he would lift you up by the armpits, supporting your limp body as you continued to cry against him. “I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. I don’t for a second ever want you to leave me. I love you more than anything, more than life itself. You know how many things I’ve loved before you? I’ll give you a hint: nothing. But you...You’ve changed my life forever, Y/N. You’ve shown me humility, compassion, love...To me you are irreplaceable. To me, you are the reason why the world turns. To me, you are my reason for everything. Don’t ever leave me, I beg of you.” Usually a red blush would creep to his cheeks, but this time his face stayed grave and sincere. For once, you felt his honesty like a ton of bricks. Akutagawa loved you. He really, really loved you.

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