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#I am in so much ANGER abt last night
sepsis-and-sparkles · 2 years
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BARKBARKABRKBARK/NEG
>:[[[
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huhustuff · 1 year
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𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐋𝐞𝐰𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐲𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 (𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧)
🌷🧸🍨
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Harry is most of all a desperate and clingy yandere.
Wants to be glued to you all the time. Harry just can not help it. Whenever he is away from you he can not help to miss you. Your presence is like a life force. 
Longs for your praise. It is just euphoric. Having the opportunity to make you proud, to prove himself to you, to show how he is capable of being a good lover to you. It just leaves Harry enraptured. 
His pastel blue hoodie covering your upper body whilst he fully embraces you with his warm body. Feeling Harry’s smile against your skin. The heat of his breathing washing over you. His voice holding so much love in it that just hearing it makes your heart beat so fast it almost hurts.
Naturally falls into the submissive role in the relationship. Feels guilty since he deems it selfish, but Harry loves it when you take control of him and everything else. So he can only focus on your presence and your touch. 
Overall feels that you dominating him is just right (submissive, but unfortunately not breedable).
To him, you are happiness. Just pure happiness. And everyone around can see that. His friends, his family, and his fans. Harry’s heart-eyes and excited voice and speech whenever he can speak about you, catches everyone’s eye.
But after a while, it becomes a bit bitter to the others around him. It is odd, even a bit concerning. Harry’s need to be around you all the time. The worst of it comes out when he is taken away from you. He becomes irritated, sad, and impatient at the same time. But no one dares to mention it, not after one of the Sidemen did and got hit with a storm. 
Will not tolerate any disrespect towards you. He can be mean, very mean and his fist can be even more malicious with the anger that it withholds. If someone attempts to disturb you or make you feel a negative emotion he will not hold back. Unless you tell him to of course. 
Admittedly his clinginess can be extremely tiring. And might even lead to you wanting to take a break from the relationship or end it altogether. Harry would not know what to do, just consumed by shock, fear and misery clouding his world.
“No, NO. Please don’t”
He would just cling to you. As if you were going to disappear for good if he held you any tighter. In a way, you would.
“Do you want me to beg, I can beg”
Falling to his knees, now desperately holding on to your legs he would beg. His mind racing, not knowing what to say, but needing to prevent you from leaving
“I can change, I will change. Do anything you want, be what you want me to be. Please don’t leave me. I am begging you. Please, oh please. Just Please”
Hiccups of forlorn cries interrupted Harry’s rambling as he looked up at you with hope. Wishing you would smile upon him, stroke his cheek and say you will not leave him.
Almost like clay, ready to be molded to his owner's wish, if they wish to do so.
But no matter if you change and manipulate him a bit or not, Harry’s love and desire will not weaken in strength. They will only get stronger until he breathes his last breath. 
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If you guys want I could also do some lil headcanons abt smut with yan!H and go a lil dark with it lol. Anyways, i hope you enjoyed this and that you have a good day or night 💗!!
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fandxmslxt69 · 7 months
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Loki (TV): Speak Now (TV): Enchanted (part 2)
Loki Laufeyson x f!asgardian!reader
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Warnings: Lots of thoughts of insecurity, probably TOO MUCH descriptions lmao umm Loki gets a little sad :( mentions of jealousy, some swearing. Thor being Thor. THIS IS NOT EDITED PROPERLY LMAO I finished it and was Too Lazy to wait for Atlas to get available to edit and read through so thats def a big warning.
Synopsis: After that fateful night, Loki couldn't get you out of his mind, but weeks later at a different ball, he finds you again (or, alternatively, Loki's depressed and Thor Is Thor and decides to help in his special way lmao) Based on Miss Taylor Swift's Enchanted.
A/N: AHAHAHA ITS FINALLY HERE !!!! Anyway Happy Loki Month everyone (idc.) This was so....OOC. I just. Wow yeah I just have lots of things to say abt Loki to they all went here. YEAH I did give it a happy ending okay you're WELCOME. -Clem THIS IS PART 2!! IF YOU WANT THE FULL FIC, YOU CAN FIND PART 1 ON THE MASTERLIST!
Tags: Okay tryna remember everyone who wanted a tag lmao. @divine-knight-hand @the-fox-den @nyxlaufeyson @under00s616 @mischief2sarawr @saturn-rings-writes @sarahscribbles <- if, perhaps, you wanted to read the last little bit <3 If I forgot anyone, please lmk.
Word count: 3.5k (LETS GO!!)
Note: This is from Loki's POV!!
“So what just happened?” Your friends pounced on you as soon as you got settled in your room. You tried really hard, like really hard to ignore them as you carefully undid your hairstyle and brushing out your hair. 
“Whatever do you mean?” “Oh, don’t play stupid. You disappear, and then show back up looking dishevelled and flushed!” 
“I was not flushed,” You argued. They all looked at each other with raised eyebrows. “Okay, fine. I don’t appreciate this at all. You’re violating me, in my own house,” 
“Yes well, our dearest apologies,” One of them said, feigning sincerity. “Now, talk,” 
Well, who liked secrets anyway? 
*                                                               *                                                              *
The lingering question kept me up
2 AM, who do you love?
I wonder 'til I'm wide awake
Loki lay in his bed, fiddling with a dagger between his fingers as he stared at the ceiling. As soon as the party ended, he had left straight to his room, stripping out of his suddenly-too-tight suit and into much more comfortable clothing. He couldn’t get the thought of you out of his head. He hadn’t attended tonight’s ball with the expectations of anything big happening, and yet now it feels like his world got turned upside down. 
And now I'm pacing back and forth
Wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say, "Hey"
Would she come back, he wondered. Perhaps she changed her mind. He couldn’t stop himself from replaying every second, trying to figure out if there was anything he missed- if any second, you’d come knocking at his door. Thinking back on your entire conversation together, he couldn’t stop the smile breaking across his face. 
“Thank you for the dance, your highness,” Your last words rang abruptly in his mind, immediately squashing his good mood again. He closed his fist around the hilt of the dagger and flicked it at the wall. It landed on it perfectly.  
“Thank you for the dance, your highness,” The words replayed again, and again. He groaned loudly, running a hand down his face. He rolled over, burying his face in his pillow and letting out a loud groan of anger. 
Before he could wallow in pain any longer, there was a knock on the door. “I asked not to be disturbed!” He shouted, but it came out muffled.
Then there was another knock. 
“I swear if there is another knock I will-” “You’ll what?” Frigga’s voice came calm, yet in his mind’s eyes he could see the expression of warning on her face. He did not hear the door open, otherwise he would’ve chosen his words much more carefully. He slowly rolled onto his back, his eyes trained on the ceiling. 
“Mother. I didn’t hear you come in,” “No, I doubt you did with all the wallowing you had been doing,” “I wasn’t wallowing,” 
He could see her raise a perfect eyebrow from the corner of his eye. “Really?” She walked gracefully across his room, and her hand reached for the dagger stuck to the wall. She wanked it out, then turned to look at him again. “You enjoy throwing daggers at your wall as a pass time?” He nodded, still avoiding her gaze. “Absolutely,” “Don’t lie to me, boy. I know you better than you know yourself,” 
He cringed. Frigga was kind, gentle, caring and loving. Everything he could ever ask for. But she did not tolerate lying. 
“Sorry,” He sighed heavily. “Simply a long night,” She tutted quietly, walking over to the edge of his bed. The mattress sunk a little as she took a seat, placing his dagger on the nightstand. “Well?” “Well? What?” He frowned, resting his hands behind his head. 
“Well…” She repeated. “What happened?”
He sighed. “Nothing happened. All’s well,” She didn’t offer a response, simply looked at him with a raised eyebrow until he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. “Alright fine. I…” He sighed again. “Must I really? This feels…embarrassing,” 
“Oh, I see,” Frigga nodded seriously. “I suppose now that you’ve grown, neither you or Thor see it fit to talk with your mother anymore,” 
A smile spread slowly across his face. “No I didn't mean it like that,” He sat up, running a hand through his hair. “Alright, well, you know how I tend to excuse myself from celebrations, yes?” She hummed. “Yes,” “Right, well, I went out to the gardens in hopes for some peace, only I…ran into someone,” Frigga straightened a little, a smile playing at her lips. “Oh?” “Stop,” He buried his face in his hands. “Stop smiling, Mother. It’s not like I’ve gotten engaged,” “Yes but, whomever it is you met certainly got into your head if you’re this worked up,” She pointed out. 
“No. No one’s gotten into my head,” He went quiet for a minute, before groaning as Frigga chuckled lightly. He threw himself back onto the pillow. Even he could hear how much of a lie that sounded. “Mother please. Is it that bad?” “No, you’re right I’m sorry. It’s not bad. But,” She suppressed the grin spreading across her face. He knew discussing this was a terrible idea. “Please, do continue,” “No, absolutely not,” He crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the pointed look from her. He figured the more he thought about it, the worse this would get. “There’s nothing else to tell. I only talked to her to get under her skin. She was…quite agitated. But then she turned out to be amusing, and kind, and we talked, and that was it. She went home, I came back in. The end.” He wouldn’t dare mention the kiss, or the dance to his mother. He could already see her scheming just from these pieces, he refused to add to the fire. Besides, the more he thought about the kiss- the way her lips felt, the smell of her perfume, the softness of her skin, the flush of her cheeks and the way her lipstick was smeared slightly- the more dizzy he felt. 
“The end? Is that way you’re so…flushed?” Frigga leaned in, pressing a hand to his cheek. “Mm, perhaps you’ve fallen ill,” He huffed. “I don’t-” He bit his lip, deciding to just play along. “Yes, maybe I have fallen ill,” “Hm,” She moved her hand away, and he knew she didn’t believe him. He knew that she was probably thinking a million things about this and going to press later. No one ever got under his skin, or so stuck in his mind, he knew his mother would not stop until she got every last detail. 
His heart squeezed a little at how dearly he loved her. While feelings of envy and jealousy were often choking him, it was moments like these that reminded him that he still had Frigga. And that was what mattered, right? 
Frigga looked around Loki’s room for a second before getting up from the bed. “Very well. I suppose I’ll let you rest now,” She smiled softly as she walked to the door. “Rest well,” “Mm,” Was all Loki offered. “Oh and Loki, darling-” He could hear the grin in her voice. “Don’t dwell on it too much. I’m sure you’ll see her again,” 
“Good night, Mother,” He answered loudly, as if trying to block out her words and end the conversation. Frigga chuckled, and then the door closed as she left. 
He grumbled to himself as he tossed and turned in bed, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in.
This shouldn’t be bothering him.
He shouldn’t be this agitated about a few simple words.
So what, if she knew he was the prince? What did it matter?
Maybe because for once you hoped someone would like you for just you, the horrible voice in his mind let the insecurities run wild. 
Maybe he would never see you again. Maybe this was a one time thing and he’d never have the pleasure to see your smile again. 
Worse- maybe there would be others. Maybe there already are others. He wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that you were exclusive with anyone- how could you be, when you kissed him? But he couldn’t help thinking that maybe your heart would- or potentially already does- belong to someone else.
It’s not like he dreamt of marrying you. He felt simply…intrigued. No one had interested him as much as you had lately, and the idea that someone else had your attention disturbed him. 
Loki was never one to plead, or even pray- why would he, when he was a prince, a god? Anything he wished was at his fingertips. But he couldn’t help the quiet whispers that escaped his lips, begging that there would be a chance to see you again- to enjoy your beauty and bask in your shine. That perhaps, in the near future, he’d be able to hear those witty remarks and feel your lips against his.
This is me praying that
This was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again
These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
 He hoped and hoped and hoped that if he closed his eyes tonight and let himself sleep, it wouldn’t mean the end. And most of all, he prayed that there wasn’t anyone else. That this didn’t happen out of curiosity's sake- that the kiss wasn’t just to brag amongst friends. It’s happened one too many times, and still he could hear the whispers of past nights when he frequently realized that no one was interested in him, simply the idea of him- the title he possessed and the bragging rights that came with it. 
He prayed silently. Although he wasn’t exactly sure who he was praying to. Did he even need to pray? But perhaps Freyja was listening, and perhaps she’d take pity on him- though he couldn’t be entirely convinced. 
But he still did- praying and pleading quietly with the stars right outside his window and the moon shining its light into his room- hoping that you saw more in him than anyone else ever did. 
Please don’t be in love with someone else
Please don’t have somebody waiting on you
Please don’t be in love with someone else
Please don’t have somebody waiting on you. 
And yet, in the dark of his room, with just his mind as company, he couldn’t help but let the horrid whispers of insecurity take over his every thought until he fell asleep doubting his every thought and emotion. 
*                                                                *                                                           *
Weeks passed before the royal family hosted another ball. It was a simple one, and there was truly no special occasion behind it. Loki suspected his mother caught wind of all his mopping and wallowing and hoped to fix it. 
Not that it was working anyway. He didn’t want to be here. He’d much rather go back to his room and finish reading his book in peace. Instead, he was forced to put on a polite face and greet guests. 
Overall, this night wasn’t going well at all. Not to mention, he still hadn’t stopped thinking about you. Every time you popped into his mind (which was more often than not) his mood instantly soured. It was safe to say he’d been in an ugly mood for a while now. 
He stood in the corner of the ballroom, drink in hand and surveying the room after exchanging pleasantries for what felt like hours. 
He really really wished he wasn’t here. Thor was talking his ear off- and while he loved his brother dearly, he really wished to be alone right now. Everywhere he looked he saw fleeting glances that reminded him of you. Stupid things like hair in a shade just like yours- a gown with a colour matching the one you wore that night- a laugh that sounded ju-
His head whipped around when he caught the sound of that laugh. His hand went up to shush Thor’s talking. 
This wasn’t possible. There was no possible way it could be you. 
And yet when his eyes found the source of the sound, his heart soared and fluttered. 
This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
Suddenly, the night didn’t seem so boring. He couldn’t find it in himself to care about what Thor was asking. 
He felt giddy inside, like a child experiencing the beauty of the world for the first time, and he couldn’t stop the huge smile spreading across his face. It was you. It really, truly, was you- standing right across the room, laughing with your friends. You looked breathtaking, dressed in a beautiful gown and face shining with joy. 
“Oh,” Thor's loud voice brought him back. “Is that why you’ve been so gloomy?” Loki cringed at how obvious Thor made the statement. “Brother, I beg you, stop talking,” “Why?” Thor beamed. “Come now, we shall go over and say hello,” “No we won’t be doing anything,” Loki tried to argue but before he could even finish his sentence, Thor had already left Loki’s side and crossed the room to the group of ladies. 
Fuck. 
Whatever it was that he was saying had the girls giggling. And, as if it couldn’t get any worse, he pointed very clearly at Loki as he talked, causing the girls to turn and see him.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. 
Loki gave an awkward wave at the group. Your eyes lingered on him a little after the group turned back to listen to Thor, and he flashed you a smile. As soon as you turned back around though, he ran a hand down his face in exasperation. What was Thor thinking? Marching over there like it was nothing. Did he not realize how embarrassing this was? What was he even saying to them? What if he was telling some horrible story? He groaned internally as horrible scenario after horrible scenario played out in his mind. Was he trying to serenade them? Why were they laughing so much? Why was Thor grinning like that? Oh what if he was telling some stupid tale? Or was he making up some exaggerated lie about him? And why-
“You look like you’re trying to glare a hole through his skull,”
He jumped, turned to see you smiling softly at him. When did you even get there? Perhaps he got too distracted with plotting Thor’s death. 
“Perhaps I am,” He tried to keep his voice calm, but his heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest? Could you hear how loud it was? Why was it suddenly so quiet? All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. Was he breathing too loud? 
Focus. He needed to focus. He’s getting too much into his head. It’s not like he was madly in love or anything- it’s a simple…interest. Yes, that was it. You simply intrigued him, nothing more. So why did his palms suddenly feel so sweaty as you grinned at him, and why was he so damn nervous? He never got nervous. His face felt like he was on fire. Was he blushing? He cursed himself mentally at least a million times. 
“Your highness?” Your voice brought him out of his head. 
“Sorry,” He mumbled. Stop overthinking it. And why did it bother him so damn much that you used that title? “What was that?” 
“I said, what reasons would you have to drill a hole into his skull?” 
Gods, you were so beautiful. How could anyone be so gorgeous? How could anyone even be allowed to be this stunning? The way your eyes shone with held back laughter, and the soft grin on your lips.
Oh good Norns, her lips. 
No. No. He mentally scolded himself. Stop it. 
“Well,” He acted as cool as he felt- basically, not cool at all. “Other than the fact that he’s my brother?” That got a laugh out of you. Loki: 1 Thor: 0. 
When did this even turn into a competition? Then again, it really did set a fire under him when he saw how easy you were around Thor. 
“Fair enough I suppose,” You shrugged. 
He couldn’t stop the question from coming out. “What was Thor telling you about?” 
“Oh! His Highness was just chatting,” 
“Mm, chatting,” He repeated absentmindedly. You both fell silent for a few moments. “So,” You started awkwardly. “How are you enjoying the party, my prince?” 
“Don’t call me that,” He said a bit too quickly- a bit too harshly. 
You blinked. “Sorry? Why not? You are a prince,” He shook his head. “I apologise, that was rather rash. I just…well,” he sighed. “That night a few weeks back? It felt…nice, to be just a stranger. You made it feel nice to be a stranger with no burden, no title, no importance. Just…another man. I hope…you would be kind enough to keep it that way, between us,” he explained hesitantly. 
“...I see,” You cleared your throat, and he could swear you were fighting back a chuckle. “So, what shall I refer to you as?” “Hm,” He grinned. “Loki works just fine, darling,”
“Loki,” You said hesitantly, as if testing it out and he nearly died right on the spot. “Alright,” You beamed. And then the silence came over again as you both watched people dance across the floor. 
But the question still ate at him. “I can’t help but ask again- honestly, what was Thor telling you? Knowing him, it was either an exaggerated lie or the most embarrassing story in all Nine Realms,” You chuckled. “Well, he was telling us a story,” That had to be the most terrifying sentence he’s ever heard. “Really? Please, do tell,”
“Well, he was telling us this story about a really handsome fellow who’s got quite the personality. He’s kind, and charming, with gorgeous hair and really pretty eyes,” 
He should just listen to the rest of the story before jumping to conclusions, but he couldn’t stop the image of Thor popping into his mind, followed by a wave of bursting fury. He had the audacity- 
“And,” You continued. “Legend has it, he met a brilliant woman- or so they say- but when she left, he fell into a horrible tragic gloom. He was all frowns and grumpy and nothing could ever break through his wallowing and mopping,” He genuinely could not listen to this anymore. His chest felt like it was going to burst from pain and he tasted bile in his throat. Maybe he was falling ill. “I’ll have you know, Thor has been all beams and grins all month,” 
Something passed over your face, and you bit your bottom lip. “Who’s talking about Thor?” “You said ‘handsome fellow’ and ‘charming and kind’ and ‘great hair’ or whatever-” “I told you I’m not into blonds,” You interrupted. 
Now what does that have to do with anything? 
“How does that relate to this conversation?” 
You shook your head, shoulders shaking with laughter. How could you be laughing right now? “Okay, I’ll slow down. Prince Thor told us a brilliant story about this beautiful man, and I came to see you immediately after…” You trailed off, as if expecting him to finish the thought. 
“Yes, you came to rub it into my face. Funny,” His tone went cold. 
You placed a hand on his arm. “Loki, you are the gorgeous man of the story,” Oh. 
And suddenly, his heart was back to pounding rapidly. “Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh I see,” In the back of his mind, he registered how similar this was to the night you met. 
You chuckled. “Yeah, I’m glad you got it now,” You smiled widely, your eyes scanning the dance floor before returning to him. “Dance with me?” You repeated the same words he had said. 
Oh. Oh dear Norns. His heart felt like it was gonna burst, and his face was on fire. 
He nodded slowly. “Oh. Yes, absolutely,” You took his hands and walked to the center of the room just as the music began a new tone. And as cliché as it would sound, he felt everything melt away as you began to dance. It was nothing but him with you in his arms, and the sound of music. And that gorgeous, gorgeous smile of yours. 
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
As the song ended, he held you tighter in his arms, his cheeks aching from how hard he'd been smiling. Your face was slightly flushed, and you were a little breathless, but you looked at him with such adoration his heart squeezed. 
“You, my darling,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips, “are enchanting,” 
I was enchanted to meet you
And although he knew guests were mumbling at the scene, he couldn’t find himself to care. What man could, when such a gorgeous woman was in his arms, grinning at him so widely?
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mulderscully · 2 years
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been rambling in @chasingfictions inbox about this for like days and i can't shut up abt it so i'm making everyone else part of it too.
i rewatched fool for love (again) and i am always struck by william and what his last night as a human was before he was turned. i really just love to pick him apart like a little bird i am dissecting in biology class.
just thinking about how the last thing he ever did as a human being was walk down the street, crying. sat in an alley alone, crying. william was made to be so small as a human. he was made fun of for his soft heart and his sensitivity. he was william the bloody awful poet. people would rather have spikes in their head than listen to him. he was laughed out of the room, he was laughed out of humanity.
william gets turned and he reclaims william the bloody, he reclaims and becomes spike and wears it as an armor. he's the Big Bad now. he's not only a vampire, he's a slayer killer. he is someone frightening, someone important. he can kill the slayer and he can protect all of vampire-kind. becoming a vampire made him feel powerful for once, and he could shove little tear stained william all the way back and pretend he isn't him anymore.
and he succeeds.
then he meets buffy. the slayer. he kills slayers, and he plans to kill her until angel decides he wants to destroy the world and spike likes the world. for selfish and evil reasons he loves the world - but he loves it. and he has to team up with buffy to do so (and buffy needs him too) and that encounter changes his worldview in a way he couldn't have expected, doing good and being around someone good reminded him of who he is, deep down. william is still there, he was always there.
but that's embarrassing so he represses it for years, doubles down on being evil until he has the chip in his head and CANNOT be a killer, and the true version of him claws it's way to the surface the more good he does. there is william and there is the actual, physical demon inside him. but demon is losing. it's still there and he can't express his love the right way and the part of him that is still good knows that which is why him falling in love with buffy is so sad obsessive and frenzied. and he's not even happy about it, he's horrified.
but that porch scene. that porch scene where he walks up so angry, so intent on killing her. so much bravado, so much anger on his face. but he can't do it! he walks up to her and sees her alone, crying just like he was 100 years ago and he recognizes himself in her. he sees her: he sees himself.
he too had a dying mother once, he too felt all alone once. you SEE him understand her and reconnect with william in that moment and embrace it. he puts the gun down and tries to comfort buffy the way no one ever comforted him.
throughout s6 we see buffy struggling with her own darkness, her feelings of disgust and complete apathy that present themselves in how she treats spike and how their relationship is. spike wants her to stop fighting this darkness and learn to embrace it. but on the other hand, spike also has to accept and love his own light before their relationship can reach its full potential. their relationship is about becoming and you cannot be whole while ignoring either part of you.
spike has spent 100 years pretending william doesn't exist. even his "love isn't brains" speech is off. he's wrong there, as we see when he gives his speech to buffy and says he understands exactly what she is.
he has furthered himself from that part of him as much as he could, by choice! but by falling in love with buffy he realized that he cannot outrun who he really is. she had revealed him and it's so frustrating and embarrassing for him because this was the ONE thing he ever had. the one thing that made him powerful and revered, killing slayers! and he's in love with her and he wants to help her, he wants her to be free and happy and have what she deserves in life and in order to do that he has to let this version of spike that he carefully created go. and he knows that when he gets his soul back william will surge forward again. he knows, to a degree, what will happen. and he still says "make me what i was, so buffy can get what she deserves." because william may have been made fun of, he may have been soft but he was a good man. he CHOOSES to become that again. he chooses light, he chooses trying to make amends.
yes, he goes into it angry because it's not a choice that was easy or happy for him, it was simply what he had to do and that's what makes it so profound. he spent a century pushing william away and it took buffy one encounter to drag him out, just by trusting him to do good with her one time. the mortifying ordeal of being known 1000x.
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mustangs-flames · 1 year
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this isnt silly or anything but i am like. MORBIDLY curious to know more abt human cesar's encounter. like he was really peeping the horrors for MONTHS and he couldnt say anything WHAT THE HELLLL
Yeah, it was going on for months, roughly 6 or so!
TW: Mental health issues, suicidal ideation, TMC psychological horror
It started small - not getting much sleep for some indiscernible reason, headaches that became migraines, thinking he was seeing movement out of the corner of his eyes only to turn around and see no one was there. He chalked it up to lack of sleep, but then it started to get worse - feelings of always being watched, strange noises in his house that couldn't be from anything natural, sounds outside his bedroom door at night.
Then there were the nightmares, where he was always being chased by something he couldn't see because he was too terrified to turn around and look at what was pursuing him. Because it genuinely felt that if he looked then whatever it was would kill him.
Barely eating, sleeping, unable to look after himself very well - constantly seeing a figure in his peripheral but never able to look at it head on; a voice in his head telling him all his worst fears and affirming them. Trying to tell his mum but she didn't want to admit how bad it was (she was always scared of being seen as a bad mother), and seeing her worried about him made him want to never bring it up again. And things continue to get worse, but he can't tell Mark because he knows Mark has been going through family troubles and he doesn't want to be a burden to his best friend and potentially lose him.
But then the voice starts telling him that he should resent his mum; that it's her fault because she won't help him. That she can't love him because otherwise she'd help. The shadows in his room start to look like her, sound like her - telling him he's a failure of a son, that he's no better to her than his dad was. That he's a disappointment, doesn't deserve love, or friends - that he should just end it all-
That time almost works - the alternate almost gets what it wants - but Cesar caves and calls Mark at 2am three weeks before the events of INWCT takes place: "There was also that night three weeks ago when - so close to getting what it wanted - Cesar, distraught at the truths the creature that looked like his mother had whispered in his ears, called Mark with a gun in his trembling hand and a half-drunk bottle at his feet to scream. It had always been Mark, giving and giving, and not once caring to take anything back." (Chapter 1). Mark still isn't aware of just what he talked Cesar down from that night because Cesar deliberately kept it as vague as possible - it was Mark offhandedly saying he was going to come over the next day that gave Cesar something to hang on for, to look forward to in the hopes that things might get better.
After almost succeeding, the alternate decides to up the ante and really pushes Cesar's last hold on himself - makes him think that his mother is actually not who she says she is at all, makes him severely doubt himself and his reality. And there comes a moment where everything just snaps for him. And in that second, the human Cesar Torres takes the knife and, consumed by anger and fear, does something he can't ever take back.
I definitely plan on writing this out though as a short oneshot at some point in the future if people are interested in it! :)
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kinjkihu-s · 1 year
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Spoilers for ep. 8 and cw warning for csa mention🚨
Random thought III. I’m definitely not the first one to be saying this or anything, but w/ David’s episode dropping last night i am once again obsessing over how tlou presents love through side character vignettes.
So far we’ve had:
Love in the form of a father doing everything he can to protect his daughter on zombie outbreak day.
Love in the form of an old gay couple finding peace in the mists of the apocalypse.
Love in the form of an older brother willing to kill a whole revolution to get medicine for his younger brother.
Love in the form of a sister willing to destroy herself and everything she’s built in pursuit of avenging her brother.
Love in the form of community.
Love in the form of two estranged brothers.
Love in the form of young crushes and puppylove
Then ep. 8 comes along and here's a guy whose whole stick is abt twisting love into something awful and vial to fuel the flames of his sadism. And Ellie — not Joel — is the one to face this head-on. Mind you, right off the heels of her flashback episode where the audience sees her at her most innocent and carefree.
So Ellie confronts it. She has to. Because she loves Joel, it’s love in the form of a not-daughter doing all she can to protect her not-dad.
This is the first time she’s been directly exposed to this kind of senseless violence and brutality. David wants her because he can have her, because he knows that he’s physically stronger than her and a hell of a lot crueler. Ellie was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
It’s “love” that he’s twisted into something so hideous and so unrecognizable and so terrifying and cruel — everything that love shouldn’t be.
And Ellie's loss of innocence at the hands of this "love" is enforced by Bella Ramsey's incredible acting (give them an Emmy for ffs). Even with David dead, she doesn't stop bashing his head in, she can't.
Cause I mean, yeah. It's the desperate, terrified actions of a little girl who's already been conflated violence with justice and safety being pushed to her absolute limits.
obv. she's totally in the right here. fuck david all my homies hate david. but, at the same time, it's showing what she's capable of when being pushed to that extreme. all that fear and anger and sadness and rage that's been festering in her since riley (and probably for much longer) absolutely has the potential to become destructive. it's a rlly good set up for season 2 me thinks.
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boxwinebaddie · 5 months
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Across the ninaverse Kyle is beautiful yes ( and I his is definitely true for your lovely take on the superhero au ) but so so scary
Please don't let that ugly ass tfbw human kite suit design stay scary tho I'm begging you ☹️☹️ I'm not sorry it's so horrid I cry thinking about it even Cousin Kyle pulled it off more than they did like holy fuck IT'S SO BAD 😭😭 I have personal beef with that god damn design LIKE WTF IS THAG?? I never got the chance to fully play through tfbw after my mom DELETED IT OFF HER COMPUTER I'm still mad about that hwhdhgr but!! from what I saw I didn't mind the human kite I just stay up at night thinking about how Kyle deserved better
also!! I think it's rlly cool that it's canon the human kite is gender neutral and asexual and I wanted to hear your opinions on that and COUSIN KYLE WHEN?? 🤨🤨
( now I don't remember if I actually sent one previously about rm5 and how much I loved it I might have deleted it?? It was a dumpster fire of rambling is all I remember )
-Stan who loves Kyle but is personally traumatised from that ugly ass tfbw design 🧡 I'm actually personally offended for him they did him so wrong I'm sorry if this makes no sense this is built up anger
hi orange heart stan! :) <3
first of all, i am glad you agree! i believe in beautiful style supremacy.
i just think whereas stan is like commercially and cosmetically beautiful, like in terms of like celebrity, supermodel, break your neck looking at him on the street, boy next door pretty. (aka conventionally attractive in a way that is indisputable, i think, like That shockingly stunning...also he hates it more than anything in the world smh )
kyle is definitely a more ethereal renaissance painting, sort of elfish/fae like, looks kind of like a timeless museum statue like high cheek bones, prominent nose, pretty red hair, hes attractive in a feel like a less conventional way but is still spellbindingly beautiful as a muse...also kyle thinks hes ugly i want to die ( spef. human kite kyle )
--sorry i sat on this anon for a while, i was trying to troubleshoot what i wanted my human kite to look like in my universe! which, again, i have not played tfbw -- but i have read extensively on it because you know i try to be thorough...so if some of this is wrong it all belongs in my dystopian, sci-fi commentary on societies prejudices, fear of what they don't understand, superhero au, where canon is mostly there to provide the bones/basics and i chaotically world build around it. ;)
**also i did not know that kite!kyle was gender neutral and asexual, so i will adjust accordingly and use they/them to refer to kyle. i also have never played an asexual character, so i am interested! i am also curious whether that was a conscious choice or something to do with them being an alien ( i think...both maybe? interesting! )
also bc last time i did toolstan and kyshed, this ask is for the kyle/kite lore im working through and a lot of stankite because aw <3
but DO NOT WORRY!!!! i did scrap the original design because it's hideous. okay i'm going to drop some pinterest pictures. xx
( you how i am im sorry guys i love pinterest sm smh )
this is insane...i am apologizin in advance...
*hides* don't make fun of me omg
so obviously kyle is an alien and as such i feel like the pigment of their skin is not a natural...human color. so i was thinking about shades of the sky and i was thinking about the teal jumpsuit so i settled on blue!
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so to me, in alien form, kyle has blue skin ( sort of similar to mystique in xmen i feel like...probably an interesting skin texture? ) and i think all of their freckles are actually white? so they look like little stars ;-; their entire body just looks like beautiful night sky or blue sky with tiny clouds/sun spots...theyre like a living painting.
however...they are...insecure abt it but when kite visits stan and stan likes them more and more he says theyre really beautiful <333 :') ( them and their frecks ) and that he tells his super best friend, who is anxious abt their freckles that they look like constellations but that kite really is like The Sky haha
( i think it’s funny when secret identity stan and kyle talk abt eachother in human form to kite and shed haha )
--sidebar, but i think that ky might have some sort of kite alien birthmark to represent the kite imagery, but its hidden ofc ofc
—second sidebar: i think kyles voice as kyle is very uptight and forced but as kite, his relaxed alien mothertongue is a lot more fluid/faster it has a fantastic alien dream like quality they also forget to use human words sometimes bless them stan is confused
( he’s not complaining tho whatever u say beautiful alien person w the cool pretty voice )
i also think just for the purpose of it not being too obvious who kite is in human form and just based on the reverse of kyles warm toned human skin pigment being blue i think that kyles hair in kite form is...white? i feel like they r giving celestial drow elf alien energies.
( also tech bc of the reverse pigment their cool laser eyes should be red but i kinda want them to be really bright green like wooo shiny )
but their HAIR AAAAA ( ok its curlier tho like very curly )
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also yes its really pretty!!!! stan did say wowza up close skhdlkha it has soft cloud texture and feels like cotton candy...wowza indeed
as for the costume moment...to me it really reads as more of a cloak? like i'm thinking raven of team titan vibes except...weather?
like this cool cloak thing, maybe a little half leotard/jumpsuit moment for For Their Bits...do aliens have bits? yes...maybe? im crying omghs ( listen i made stan look like a birthday party stripper or like hes on the cover of a sexy men at work playboy calendar [ was it you that thought it was funy when i said shed looked like a magic mike construction worker? ]...ky can be a little scandy as a treat xx )
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but!!!! in my brain, the cloak is an heirloom that was passed down thru shelia's side ( in my weird lore, i'm thinking shelia is an alien who married a nonmutated human and had kyle who is like half alien? ike is not an alien...just a human canadian boy...and nuisance. )
...and its like a sheet...of the atmosphere? or something that was like...made/woven out of the sky?? and it helps them with flight and also turns the color of whatever the sky is at the moment ( for camouflage purposes ) and is essentially weather proof, rain, sun, snow,
thunder...lightning...:/
so i think kyles one regret is that they missed stan getting struck by lightning but risked alien form flying him to the hospital, concealing him in the kyle cloak and set him on the steps of hells pass...they could have prevented it and it haunts them everyday bc stan almost didnt survive...kyle does not know it gave him powers however smh
but yes!!! half kite/atmosphere alien icon kyle!!! i hope they thrill you!!!
i think the entire broflovski family is concealing the fact that they are aliens/harboring secret aliens because its dangerous and people are REALLY racist towards aliens ( who i think fled their planets due to persecution...i dont know if this is getting too political given the current climate lmk ) and they get killed by extremist groups who...sigh...tell them to go back to their planets...their galaxies >:(
reg kyle “human cameo form” just for reference btw (if we remember) ft. kyle trying to draw what he thinks shed looks like ;-;
for ref they are like an art history/psychology major at cu
stan and kyle are roomates ouo but no they do not kiss :/....yet ;)
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kyle is mad abt hiding it but for the sake of their family, keep it lowkey...that does not stop them from protesting for mutant/alien rights, going to dangerous rallies with stan ( who is shed aka mutated technically...but bc his mutation is considered "helpful" "not ugly" or scary by society...tool shed is a superhero...where as someone like kyle who is an alien and widely hated and demonized. )
i also think that kyle...might not sleep at night bc alien ? i think that they might just watch stan sleep in their dorm ( ok twilight ) or take night flights ( WHICH IS DANGEROUS SHEILA SAID NOT TO DO THAT ) and i also dont think they eat human food? or at least it doesnt nourish kyle/other aliens...and tastes really fucking bad.
i think there is some sort of underground part of the city, some sort of like dark web, undercity, black market part of denver/most major cities, where heavily mutated people, aliens, cyborgs, other species can interminge, you can buy alien life sources/energy fluid idk, chef is down there and i think has 72372329 arms and makes the alien food into fine dining...which is probably still scary but stan will eat anythin
also yes i do think kite takes stan down there once and they sit in the human-alien friendly restaurant and stan is like WowZA !! its scary but accepting down there...they also make u state ur species...and stan says human bc...his cover...but the machine picks up that he has a mutation but stans like ahaha must be broken im so normal! woops!
--sidebar abt stan...also heres pinterest toolstan again for ref :***
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greasy king oh my god...hes cute tho in a snapback frat-fuckboy way
people do not know that stan is mutated, when they checked him at the hospital i think the machine...Exploded...when he was being treated for the strike...but uh RANDY IS SUPER RACIST AGAINST ALIENS AND MUTATED PEOPLE HE THINKS THEYRE ABOMINATIONS so its a secret...sharon...might know? and is protecting him from randy and people that might want him dead.
but I THINK that because stan can manip tools it works for things like...gears...engines...metal...parts of technology? so he makes the scanners and mutation check station machines go haywire or malfunction...tbh he is safe for now but he do be fuckin up smh
( but anyways! i do think that humans going down into the undercity alone is not completely safe...or at all because while a majority of aliens/mutated humans/other species are very kind and accept you for your authentic self...
...there are definitely some extremists on the other side of the coin who think ALL humans are evil and should die so...kind of dangerous to go alone...but i think stan goes down there ( either as shed or reg stan ) to pick up more alien food for kite bc he looks...faint...i think he almost dies or gets captured ripppp he is a damsel in distress )
cousin kyle!!!! oh my god so cousin kyle i guess is also a kite mutant alien then...BUT HES REALLY BAD AT BEING AN ALIEN AND HIDING IT HES BAD AT CONTROLLING HIS POWERS AND ALMOST BLOWS THEIR COVER A LOT...and whenever he comes by...kyle is basically babysitting him...bugs them abt liking stan
i do also think sometimes cousin kyle has to tag along w kyle to raccoon and friend meetings so he knows kyle is kite AND ALSO WENT WITH HUMAN KITE 2 AS A NAME? KYLE WAS MAD ASF
off topic i think alien kyle is like seven feet tall *wowza* i also think they have a tail not in a furry way let me live!!! in a badass alien way!
also...riley if ur reading this...alien form kyle is tall...but human form kyle...is short...also im making toolshed stan tall...ur welcome bestie
they also practice both judaism and kite theology ( but venturing to that church or getting caught w/ their alien torah essential is dangerous and could get you suspected as an alien and killed :( )
like u can live in society as an alien or someone with an advanced mutation but its...4x as hard to get a job, do anything, you get hatecrimed everyday...could get killed...its not worth it :////
last thing just for clarity:
i'm still working on this bear with me...its complicated ik
to me the way society divides mutations ( also i think there is a 20% percent chance people are born mutated bc of how chemically contaminated the possibly worldwide water supply is ill go into that later if people want it ) that u are accepted in society as a mutant if you have a small mutation, like a party trick, something that doesn't effect how you look but! also if you look human and have a power that you use to Save people, you're hailed as a superhero aka toolshed/fp
but racoon and friends is for like the shady odds and ends, the social pariah/outcasts who society doesnt like/dont fit in, like racoon!cartman is literally a raccoon person, mosquito i think does have a crazy pointy nose situation/maybe is some sort of bug alien...captain diabetes is medically compromised/weak...kyle is an alien...tolkien used to be racoon and friends bc he was a cyborg but realized evil was not the way...him and timmy switched over...
tldr: public perceptions in my weird tfbw universe ( wip )
humans: "good" ( ew )
humans with mutations that dont effect how you look: also good
human-mutants with strong powers that appear human/conventionally attractive: extremely good, worshipped
humans with mutations that make you look inhuman ( extra limbs, unnatural skin color, scales cysts/growths, wings, fangs, tails, ‘monstorous’/scary deformities): bad, frowned upon
aliens, cyborgs, other species in gen: V BAD, might incite violence
r&f are villians but because they are against a society that hates them and therefore lashing out in a way that started out as vigilante justice, but is now becoming Evil ( cartman i think just likes chaos )
and freedom pals is just trying to keep everyone safe and i think there are varying tolerances for the members of r&f by fp ( not bc of their mutations but bc of the atrocities committed by r&f like suspending school buses over buildings, holding civilians hostage etc. ) so when mysterion presented the idea of a merger a lot of them said hell no!! im not working with those motherfuckers!!! stan included...but after spending time w/ kite is reconsidering his stance on the merger
i also...think the undercity is a wellkept secret/people think its an evil place and dont go down there...its hard to get down there unless u know someone to protect civilians living down there..so most people think its a myth, a bad place etc. fp included but now that stan has been hes like...ITS BLOWING HIS MIND OKAY HES LEARNIN SM
sooooo basically kyle joined the villain cause bc people treat them like a villian anyways also took the name Human Kite when theyre obviously an alien just to b an asshole…luv them omg fight the power
ANYWAYS! I HOPE THAT MADE SENSE THE BOTTOM PART I AM STILL WORKING ON SHLHDSD ALSO IDK I TOOK A LOT OF LIBERTIES LMK HAHA SHSJS
-uncle nina, sweatin over my weird au again
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definitelynotnia · 3 months
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sorry i have to rant or i will cry i hate when im so angry that the anger comes out as tears
tw: random guy being a general asshole abt lgbtq and trans ppl so if you dont wanna deal with that today, cz ik there's already enough hate literally everywhere online, then please save yourself from this burden and move along, i hope u have a nice day bcz if i cant then someone should
i just spent my whole afternoon arguing with this guy- it was such a waste of my time i haven't slept properly last night and i wanted to take a nap but my nap time is GONE i hate this i told him im done with this conversation and that i dont give a shit about him enough to want to educate him on things and have him change his opinion i TOLD HIM IM DONE i told him that he can keep his opinion shoved up his ass and as long as he doesn't bully people i dont give a shit i was READY TO GO TAKE MY NAP but nooo this bitch is like "just say you've run out of valid points" like BITCH NO.
i can't have valid points to counter you with because all the points ur giving me are utter bullshit like how the fuck am i supposed to reply to "ppl assigned male at birth wearing skirts and make up is worse than war" like WHAT???? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF??? ARE YOU INSANE? what the fuck am i supposed to respond to that with? except that trans people aren't hurting anyone and war is, and he's like "at least war can be contained, these people are spoiling the mentality of the youth" like YOU ARE THE SPOILED YOUTH not the other way around, im like listen if you were really pressed about children and how trans inclusivity impacts children then you would have at least read more about that but if your first point is only "they're doing surgery on children" then clearly you have not even done as much as a simple google search so we both know that you just heard that in some random reel and went with it and you dont give two shits about the supposed 'children being made to undergo surgery', which they're not, and all you actually care about is looking cool and edgy by hating on the lgbtq community because thats whats in trend right now in india. he's like these people are too privileged why cant they just shut up and enjoy life they are rich like first of all rich people can have problems too??? also being able to afford therapy and gender affirming care does not equal to rich thats like saying if someone in ur family has any chronic illness ur automatically rich like ??? also poor people are trans too? and im so sick of these ppl thinking being trans is just an american thing or a first world problem like brother no? you are literally living in india trans people are mentioned in the FUCKING SCRIPTURES are u KIDDING ME? being trans is not a new sudden occurence its been there for longer than you have. like literally after 2 hours of conversation the only points he could think of to hate on lgbtq for no reason is
they are rich and privileged so they shouldnt have problems
if they have a problem with their gender they should keep it to themself and not fight it (??????)
they are running from their problems (they are literally solving the problem thats the part which everyone is mad abt its when trans people try to solve the problem by being okay with expressing themselves freely and to counter i said that even alcoholics are running from their problems ive never seen any of u andrew tate cocksuckers ever make a "joke" bullying alcoholics he's like thats different like literally all his "points" are him just saying whatever and then if u try to explain it with logic he'll be like no but thats ok bcz i said so and this is wrong bcz i said so like fuck you dude)
they shouldnt have rallies and stuff because there's more important things like war that the government should focus on (he was the one who said "war is a beacon of peace there cannot be peace without war" when i had first mentioned that its ironic that out of all the bad things happening in the world rn LIKE war the biggest thing he's worried about is a "man" wearing a skirt but ok sure now all of a sudden war is a big boo boo and we should all be focusing on that, so basically when he wants to hate on ppl war is irrelevant but when a marginalised group wants to fight for their rights that time war is the most important point and no one elses suffering is valid bcz there is war)
it is spoiling today's youth (im not even gonna talk about this because i do not see how people living their lives and just existing is considered "spoiled" and "corrupt" but people regularly hating on, bullying and degrading a whole ass community just because they are uneducated swines lacking critical thinking skills and a spine that saw some 'famous' youtuber or influencer or wtv or maybe a reel with 'dark humor' dissing on lgbtq and pronouns and 'blue haired girls' and now they thing they're oh so cool and edgy and dIfFeReNt and "not like those woke snowflakes" just cz they degrade and bully a whole community of people every chance they get)
im so done im SO DONE with this bullshit its EVERYWHERE its a trend now to be hateful and mean and an asshole to anyone who isnt "normal" according to heteronormative standards. i understand not having an opinion, to some extent ok i get it you're young you don't need to be involved in this yet but no, they want to have an opinion but they will do no research they physically shudder at the thought of reading a book and god forbid they actually google up a trustworthy article to confirm some of the bullshit they believe they will do none of this but they will scream and shout about how lgbtq is the problem and magically that is the only "social issue" they care about and they care soo vehemently apparently that they have to post about it and make dArK jOkEs about it and use slurs and degrade them every chance they get because THEY are harmful yes sure you who are actively spreading hate are the angelic saviours of society and a community of people JUST EXISTING are the ones that are harmful, right.
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kamiversee · 1 month
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okay, i calmed down a bit. holy shit what a chapter. this chapter is possibly one of the most intense chapters you've posted yet, if not the most. the only other chapters that immediately come to mind in terms of emotional intensity are the ones including Gojo's tearful confession and the chapter with the "last kiss." this chapter devastated me on a completely different level. the drama had me reeling and i loved it so fucking much. well done, Kami. really well done.
i'm going to try to not sound like a broken record since you already know my immediate thoughts based off of my past few anons 😭 it's so interesting that Choso immediately goes to call Geto's brother shitty, yet later on in the chapter Geto refers to them at friends. Choso's denials are believable since he does seem like a major introvert and only really goes out of his way to socialize with the reader, but i wonder if we'll ever meet Kenjaku in this fic. or is this a sneak peak as to who we may meet in a certain sequel...? 👀👀👀 KAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! why do i feel like you're going to draw some parallels between Suguru and his brother's relationship to Choso's relationship with Sukuna. i'm not sure how it would go, but if you do choose to do that i feel like it would floor me.
i love that this chapter is unveiling so much of Choso's toxicity holy shit. i know it's all related to his possessive nature, but the anger issues had me taking breaks and walking laps in my room at 1:30 am on a work night. the way he's upset about things we aren't even aware of (how "flirtatious" we come off in a regular conversation) was expected but the way it built up to him exploding was just *chef's kiss*. the way still calls us little pet names, especially after that huge fight, stung me.
not only did this chapter reveal so much about Choso, but it really does solidify how toxic the reader is for him as well. there's no such thing as a perfect character (even though these jjk men get so close) but this was a perfect reminder that despite everything, the reader has her own red flags to work through as well. will she ever? probably not bc holy shit that passage was so perfect and needed. also, who wouldn't act that way in that kind of situation 😭 swatting OUR hand away when HE is the one causing the scene? omfg it got me so mad LMFAOOOO
also the reveal that Sukuna is a physically abusive asshole? omfg. it makes sense for his character but still, the contrast of that info to how we knew him is intense. it's a shame that he's so fucking hot 😭😭😭 with the things he's done, i understand why Choso has the feelings he does. but holy shit dude, the reader didn't know 😭 why tf is he taking it out on her 😭😭😭
Suguru that motherfucker. i hate now smart and intentional he is with every fuckin' action he does in this series. UGH. the way he had me cringing (in a good way) to the point of having to take breathing breaks after practically every line. especially when he said "Go after him, idiot."
KAMI. YOU 🫵🫵🫵🫵🫵 OH MY GODDDDD. IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUS THAT WHAT THE READER IS TO CHOSO, GOJO IS TO THE READER, HOLY SHIT. YOU'RE PRACTICALLY POINTING A NEON-LIGHT ARROW TOWARDS THAT PARALLEL. such a genius way to reuse that line. once i read that, it fucking clicked. the same fucking line Geto says to Gojo in chapter 8 after their first big fight. oh my fucking God Kami. reading that made me have to put down my phone and stare at the ceiling for a bit. so fucking well done. it's lowkey so funny how Geto has been there for so many of the big fights. i'm so fucking excited to see how this develops. my brain is so fried once again.
- ☃️
Smirks. Chat, it’s time for another Kami yap session, LETS GOOOO
1. Gojo’s breakdown chapters & the chapter where Choso leaves (chapter 19 I think) were one of the only chapters that made me tear up while I wrote them😭 Well, aside from the next one I’m abt to drop- ANYWAYS THOUGH, glad you enjoyed it like always ^.^
2. See, here’s the thing about Kenjaku’s mentioning, he was only brought up to show two things; One, Choso has friends and a life outside of the reader, and Two, Choso and Geto have more of a connection/knowledge of each other than what might’ve been expected :)
It’s also another slight anime reference bc like I’ve said previously, I do tend to mirror things such as friend groups or actions to the way things are done in the anime & Choso’s appearance was always made with Kenjaku so, why not make that a factor here yk?🤷‍♀️
3. There actually are already some parallels ^.^
Notice how Choso calls Kenjaku shitty & Suguru snaps back by saying Choso’s brother (Sukuna obv) isn’t any better. Then, you also have Yuki who points out that both men haven’t told the reader anything about these terrible brother’s of theirs, despite both men having connections & intimate moments with her.
It’s kinda meant to show that there is a lot the reader simply doesn’t know. That was honestly somewhat the point of the past few drama chapters! There’s a list of things she learns all in the span of one day, from Gojo’s obsession to Sukuna being abusive— she learned all of that within a single day.
Anywho, the parallel is simply that the men who she claims as her type both have done similar things to her in regards to opening up🤷‍♀️
4. I wanna note that a lot of people are calling Choso’s actions here toxic. Now, I’m not going to disagree of course but, I will just say, his moment of blowing up isn’t unnatural. Choso’s not the best with his feelings, as we can see, and imagine you’re in his shoes for a moment.
How would you react to everything he was just told? Do you think you wouldn’t have blown up as he did? Especially when you consider how passionate he is about his brothers, more specifically, Yuji.
Just wanted to throw that out there! Yes, he shouldn’t have yelled the way he did but this is something that’d been building up & because he’s such an introvert (I am too ngl) it’s not unusual for him to have a sudden outburst as he did seeing as he typically keeps his thoughts and emotions inside rather than wearing them on his sleeve :)
5. Yep, I want people to understand that she herself is not perfect in anyway. The reader just gaslit the hell out of Choso & played on the fact that he believes she knew nothing about Sukuna.
NOW before y’all jump on our mc, while it is toxic & bad, she only does that for the benefit of everyone if you think about it. I said this earlier but she has learned a shitload of info in one day. With that, she’s just as stressed and tensed as Choso is atm so she uses her situation in order to manipulate Choso into telling her the truth about everything.
Think about it, she could never manipulate Gojo into telling her his truth and as said, the last thing she wanted was to go through that again, especially with someone like Choso who typically tells her everything.
Yes, yes it is bad that she did that but in a way, it was for something positive such as forcing Choso to open up to her. Not only that, it also gives her a path to reveal other things to him ^.^
6. Again, Choso didn’t exactly mean to blow up on her but he’s been tense the entire time so it was bound to happen. He’s not blaming her, he’s just upset and is unsure of how to properly express tht as we can see💀
And I think I said this to a few anons so far but, who knows the last time Choso & Sukuna interacted with one another? Given that & based on what the reader experienced, we don’t know how long ago Choso saw Sukuna be abusive to women, now Yuji on the other hand is different ofc because Choso clearly states Yuji’s current age and that kinda shows that tht abuse is ongoing.
7. When I tell you, I WAS SMILING SO HARD AS I WROTE TS. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE making parallels so I literally went back to the chapter with Gojo & Geto just to recall what Geto said to him and then I was like “Yup, time to reuse this shit😈”
AHH I LOVE DOING THT SM UGHHH
But yesyes;
Gojo —> Reader —> Choso
It’s so perfect too ^.^
Ty for reading, mwah, ily <33
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tezzbot · 2 years
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Osomatsu, Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu (🏳️‍🌈💌💔🧸🪀💬🎃🔊)
not gonna do all of these for all 3 ive been trying since last night my brains gonna melt lmfao
🏳️‍🌈 lgbt hc
osomatsu thats a dyke
jyushimatsu i think w regards to gender probably doesnt give tht much of a fuck tbh. hes just jyushimatsu also woman liker
todomatsu uhhh . hm idk.. theres smth fruity going on there i mean look at it. not sure how id label him hes like a lgbt what all at once type u know HDHJDG
💌 fluff hc
osomatsu has always really loved horse racing even before he had a gambling addiction lol i think as a kid hed go to the library or smth and just Read n Learn about horses and races in general thats the tism baby he knows literally everything you ask him who won whatever race in like 1976 he Knows its like scary impressive (literally how else wld he remember horse racing results from Ten Years In The Past in the movie!!!!) if you gave him a horse he would fully know how to take care of it
jyushimatsu and homura, tho not dating cus i dont think theyre ldr kinda people, they do still stay in contact, they talk on the phone n write each other letters tgey r the world
some of the friends todomatsu has do legitimately enjoy hanging out with him like the barista girls what r their names. aida and s. saachi? they like him a lot! as a friend! he just is in the mindset of im bottom of the social barrel so he doesnt always see it lol
💔 angst hc
do i even need to do this these guys r miserable little freaks as is lmfao
osomatsu. cant think of anythin original just uknow usual. childhood trauma, dependency issues, oldest child 3rd parent syndrome, etcetc
jyushimatsu feels bad abt how he treated ppl in high school, despite the fact tht it was a defence mechanism he didnt Like being so angry all the time :( its why he tries so much to make people happy now. tht anger does still make its appearances but hes better with it now
🧸hurt/comfort hc
osomatsu when he feels like trashgarbage will go and find one of his brothers and if he finds one of them in the house he'll go n sit by them n try strike up a conversation but if hes feeling like considerably bad he'll just sit and maybe lean against them just for the pressure remind him that theyre there keep him grounded
💬 fav line
jyushimatsu - literally all of his big long stupid internal monologues are great but literally the best line in the show is "Samples, my guy" it legitimately made me laugh So loud when i first watched that episode by myself
🎃 sth i think theyre afraid of
osomatsu hemophobia not a fan of blood, why he freaked out so bad in the movie over a scuff
jyushimatsu probably claustrophobic n being restrained fr long not of his own accord, man needs to fidget
todomatsu literally so scared of seeing the hat man in the dark. he watched one five nights at freddys video in 2015 and now his brain thinks hes gonna see bonnie in the bathroom at night he closes the door facing into a room so he has a full view of the room w his back On the door to make sure he hasnt been followed despite the fact he Knows he hasnt. just in case lol (no i am not projecting [lying])
🔊song that reminds me of them
oso - get well city by felix hagan and the family (a lot of their songs make me think Matsus in general tbh lol)
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jyushi- dumb dumb by mazie
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todo is kinda hard to nail down but - secrets by p!nk
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troglobite · 1 year
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jfc
when i'm in a bad mood:
"i'm in a bad mood, sorry. pls don't ask me things. i'm not mad at you i'm just in a shitty mood."
my mom: "well your bad vibes are making me be in a bad mood, now, sorry but it's contagious." [leaves and abandons me to sit by myself]
when she's in a bad mood:
[most often says literally nothing and just acts pissed off]
when i ask if she's in a bad mood she gets irritated with me
when, on the rare occasions, she admits she's in a bad mood, she's in SUCH a bad mood that talking to her is intolerable and my mere existence will make her resent me
so i avoid her, give her the living room, don't bother her, and do my fucking best to just push through any sensory problems happening
and when inevitably i'm in a bad fucking mood bc of how much i'm having to deal w the fucking fallout
she gets mad at me
"WHAT DID I DO?!"
i literally walked out there and she was clearly gearing up to make some food for herself in the kitchen
she was about to FUCKING LEAVE and "get out of my way" even though i was standing there w a single cup
i said it's fine, she can go ahead and get her water--which she was ABOUT TO NOT DO
BECAUSE??? I ALSO NEEDED WATER??????? WHAT THE FUCK????
she finally got her fucking water and then CLEARED OUT the WHOLE fucking kitchen
i literally told her she didn't need to do that
and i fucking HATE when she fucking MARTYRS HERSELF like this for NO FUCKING REASON
and then when i get irritated about it and pissed off--bc i've been on MELTDOWN MODE ALL FUCKING DAY PARTIALLY BECAUSE OF HER
THEN I'M APPARENTLY THE JACKASS!!!
and i can't tell her ANY of that bc then she'll just gET MAD AT ME!
but by all means let's never talk abt therapy again and wait months and months to look for a fucking therapist
she's STILL NOT MAKING HERSELF FOOD, NOW, BY THE WAY
SHE'S JUST SITTING ON THE FUCKING COUCH
BC SHE WAS "GETTING OUT OF MY WAY"
WHEN I HADN'T SAID ANYTHING THAT I WAS GOING TO DO
AND SHE WAS THERE FIRST
AND SHE IS FUCKING HUNGRY
but no
i APPEAR and NEED WATER so that means she has to abandon everything
and she acts like she did NOTHING to piss me off
meanwhile i show up and she spots me and just THIS LOOK ON HER FUCKING FACE
she stops getting water, she hangs her head, she's RUSHING to leave the kitchen
what did you do? what did I?! FUCKING DO?!?!
TO MAKE YOU ACT LIKE THAT!?
i'm so tired of her acting like i'm a supervillain every fucking time SOMEBODY ELSE UPSETS HER OR HURTS HER
but we'll just never fucking talk abt it
it's NOT HEALTHY OR HELPFUL for me to have this anger abt this bc it could burst out like it did that one time
i'm just TIRED
i want to sit out on the couch bc it feels SO GOOD on my back
but she's still in a fucking mood and i'm literally too delicate to fucking deal with her i'm CRYING right now
i want to bash my fucking head through a fucking window
now she's offering to make me eggs and waffles, too, bc that's what she's having
i just had eggs last night, no i don't want any
she's putting herself in a position to be bossed around by me requesting how i want my eggs
i'm just
she does it without even fucking realizing it
and she just remembered i had eggs last night and now it's a whole fucking thing she's changed her mind to HOTDOGS now jUST BECAUSE I ALREADY HAD EGGS
i am literally having a fucking meltdowni'm going to choke and die right now i can't deal with this
she's slamming things in the kitchen i want to die
she doesn't even KNOW that she's mad at me
why does this have to happen when i'm already in fucking pain
i'm so tired of this happening even though it's not fucking frequent
this is so fucking stupid
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rrxnjun · 2 years
Note
from here
Ohh so k-pop does get overwhelming at times like keeping up with all of their comebacks and activities does take a toll on the psyche 🤧 i took a small break of sorts back in 2021 just to get a breather and instead focus my energy on books :') the whole pandemic situation and the lockdown was beginning to get to me + i had to deal with an academic burnout but !! things are definitely better now.
OKAYY so it took me a lot of time to finalise a bias in nct dream and tbt all nct units unghhh i lobe them all but my nct dream bias as of now is renjun. this man has me wrapped around his finger and activates the heart eyes WDYM HE HAS A PRETTY VOICE HES AN ARTIST HE'S PRETTY HE'S SHARP TONGUED AND HE'S A TOTAL SWEETHEART LIKE HE'S SO CARING 100% BFF/BF MATERIAL :( FDIBCFBN GOD HAS HIS FAVOURITES ALRIGHT and oml don't even get me started w the yangyang and renjun interactions im still reeling from when they did this.
In 127 i have a soft spot for the vocal line lol so i usually bias whoever's in the vocal line for a particular song (DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT SO HARD TO CHOOSE THO). rn it's jaehyun bc I'm obsessed w his voice (it's his first few lines in good thing <33)
Oof faded in my last song just hits so hard and it hurts so bad the songs so deep. It's one of my favourite nct u songs that and baby don't like it (again. hoe anthems >>>) for 127 it's either heartbreaker (bc it's hyuck's world and we're just living in it) or good thing (bc jaehyun.) Basically love the limitless era. and for dream okayy i can't really choose but reload and boom era were both crazy good. as for wayv it's after midnight and maybee take off. Wbu what are your favourite eras/songs?
Ahh you're a carat ?? I've been trying to get into svt since hoshi's spider came out but it's still a work in progress :') Which all groups do you stan ?? (40k slowburns are segci and it's for Vernon?? sounds v interesting 👀)
and the yangyang fic's going to have angst okay thanks for the warning angst scares me but i find it beautiful (?) as a genre like whoa how do mere scenes and words strung up together in a completely different world make me feel so much. But again that's why i like reading in general. bonus points if i actually find the smth in the fic relatable :')
YUSSUH 5SOS SUPREMACY youngblood was THAT album yk. weird but their music and a few select songs from twenty one pilots and imagine dragons help me concentrate and actually solve calculus ... esp easier and good girls 😭 idk why tho and whahfkfkkg they came to your city ?? Djnffkfm most international artists usually don't come near South Asian countries ie the place where I live 🤧
and yes so i listened to a few more songs by waterparks but I'm obsessed with 21 questions. i can't stop putting it on loop 😭😭 fdhjk pls feel free to send in more song recs
p.s. i enjoy talking to you too to the point where i think i ramble a little too much hrkfjfnf Have a good day/night <3
SORRY FOR REPLYING LATE I SUCK AT HUMAN INTERACTION
kpop does get overwhelming sometimes dfkjlas but also i just kind of got bored for a bit so i didnt feel motivated to check up on it in so long,, but now i just found the excitement again and i feel the same i did when getting into it for the first time its so amazing. i got into kpop just before the pandemic started, so it was something that was keeping me going during the lockdowns and shit :) i am glad you're feeling better now, though!
OUR BIASES MATCH AAAAAAA #besties fdlksaj renjun is literally the love of my life i think us two are similar in a lot of things (our zodiac signs, personalities, interests, anger issues...) so i think loving him so much helped my selflove djfkla this sounds weird but its true to some extent?? AND DONT MENTION THE CAMPING TRIP VIDEO IN FRONT OF ME ITS MY COMFORT VID AAAAA everything abt it is so wholesome,,, their little karaoke sessions, the shopping, the cooking,, them switching languages every now and then,, also yangyang singing i'm gonna love you by d.o. is stuck in my head that moment felt special.
in 127 i tend to gravitate towards mark and hyuck but i cant really count them bc theyre my dream biases as well LMAO but if i exclude them, i'd say i bias doyoung? i have a soft spot for yuta as well haha and recently my head is full of jungwoo but i'm not gonna give that too much weight just yet it might be a phase we'll see
I LOVE HOE ANTHEMS AAAA no one does sexy songs like nct. no one can compare. period. my fav eras would probablyyy be hot sauce/hello future for dream i fucking love that era and i miss it so much it was comfort for me. hot sauce was the first album ive ever bought from my first ever paycheck haha<33 for 127 probably superhuman/kick it/punch era? altho i wasnt a stan back then yet,, so i didnt fully experience it and for wayv turn back time era!!
i AM a carat!! spider is so good oml truly a cultural reset. no one does it like kwon soonyoung. i stan quite a few groups i think?? my ults are definitely nct, seventeen and txt! i keep up w them the most:) and then i stan enhypen, stray kids and p1harmony, although i dont really watch their contents or anything anymore,, im more of a casual stan for them. wbu?
yesyes its an angsty one but its not that bad i think fklf i definitely wrote more traumatic fics than this one. there's actually a yy tiktok i saw that literally represents how i wrote him in this fic it fit so much uh god i'll show it to you if you're interested
SOLVE CALCULUS HDAKL thank god i dont have maths anymore<33 that was a real struggle. i used to have a twenty one pilots phase tbf but im glad its behind me now bc the tyler joseph now is not the tyler joseph i used to stan!:)) and nooo they didn't come to my city! i'm from slovakia and literally no one comes to slovakia so i get your sturggle. they came to krakow and vienna though and that's kind of close to me!
21 questions>>>>> literally one of the songs that inspired my yy fic. do you use spotify? i'll make you a rec playlist if you really want!
p.s. i really enjoy talking to you hihi i missed your asks hhhh please dont think you ramble too much bc i do too!! it shows that we are comfy w each other xx
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gab-has-adhd · 1 year
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i was the last anon... omg u replied!! did not expect that tbh 😭😭 & yeah i don't *actually* hate illumi, in fact i think it'd be near impossible atp because. a) he's way too relatable + b) i adore his character, and his family and his everything bc of how complex he is. he's amazing. stunning. jaw-dropping. horrendous. terrible. terrifying. all at once & I Appreciate Him So Much (tm) for it :]
also speaking of illumi... i am so interested in kikyo. like ik a lot of people in the hxh fandom find her irritating (she is sometimes) but she's a mother too - specifically the zoldyck's mother - and i think as a character, she would have such an in-depth backstory that we haven't even gotten into yet (at least from where i'm currently at rn in the manga lmfao.. manifesting the future chapters give us more abt her bc i Need to know everything about her history in meteor city 🙏)
another thing abt ur reply - UR SO RIGHT ABT WANTING TO BEHAVE LIKE ILLUMI 🙁🙁 as someone who relates to his trauma & thought process, me and him cld not be more different fr. i am too Fiery. i get into too much Trouble for losing my temper at the Worst times. illumi tho?? he looks emotionless (even tho he's not) but i need that kind of detachedness to get around w my daily life 😭 god made me traumatized but not cold as ice How is this fair Please i need a life refund T___T
im so sorry omg i keep writing essays in these asks 🙁 anyways i also hope u have a great morning/day/evening!!! its almost 12am i need to get back to studying for exams LMAOO hope ur doing well tho (drink water bff)
Hi again anon! 🌸 thank you for sending me another ask ufufufu it's almost 5 am for me but it seems I'm going to hae a sleepless night aGAIN for some reasons gnsngmsmcj
Good luck for your exams! I sincerely hope you'll be successful <3 and please never worry about sending me essays hahaha I love it very much 💕
I agree so much with you on Kikyo! I am usually not very big on female characters for some reasons but kikyo is so cool! I need to know more about her! I like her fucked up personality though lmaooo she is a Zoldyck indeed 🙏 like yes she IS irritating but it's because she literally is the MOTHER in a FAMILY OF ASSASSINS I think at this point every Zoldyck is allowed to be irritating LOL
I truly hope Togashi will give us more about her. She's from Meteor City after all, who knows what crazy things happened to her back there! Also I desperately need to know how she met Silva and how they fell in love.
Where are you currently in the manga? Just wanna make sure I don't drop any spoiler material if you send me more asks ufufu!
ALSO OMG I FEEL YOU SO MUCH ABOUT NOT BEHAVING LIKE ILLUMI. Like sure he probably behaves like this because he was deeply traumatized but... look I have ADHD and BPD, nature wasn't very nice with me. The combination makes me extremely impulsive, extremely emotive and very easily angered. My behavior is basically an emotional rollercoaster LMAOOO I just wish I was able to keep a cold face like Illumi 😭 who knows maybe his emotions are wild in his brain but at least he's able to completely conceal them. This is a skill I would appreciate having.
Instead my traumatized dumb ass self decided to gift me the ability to hide my upset-ness until I eventually explode. Which is. A pretty unhealthy behavior LMAO but I'm working on it :)))
Who knows, maybe one day Illumi is going to explode too 😶 not saying I actually want him to explode but somehow I think I would get so emotional if it ever happend to him. Like. Illumi breaking down nervously and. IDK crying maybe. This sounds wildly out of character but wow...
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noxiatoxia · 2 years
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while i await your answer for the hanahaki au thing i just wanted to do a little rambling . just because
for my next trick, i will return to my roots. hikakao cuddling, the only scenario ever
personally i like the scenario of them snuggling because one is sad. imagine it's late at night, hikaru's sad about something and he's been sulking over it but really trying to hold back his feelings and just snap himself out of being sad. but he can't, and he doesn't really know how to handle it
so it's about time for bed, and kaoru's getting ready to go to sleep. he already was in casual clothes and then his pajamas, but hikaru's still in his uniform because he didn't feel like changing. kaoru has been trying to get through to him all evening but hikaru just quietly mutters that he's fine. obviously kaoru doesn't believe him, but he doesn't seem to want kaoru to see it so he doesn't press
Anyway kaoru's sitting on the bed and he calls over like 'dude are you sure you're alright' and hikaru tries to say he's fine again but he's audibly near tears. and kaoru is finally like holy shit you are mentally ill come over here and ill take care of you. and hikaru doesn't even say anything he just quietly walks over, climbs into the bed and just,, crawls into his arms..,, hiding his face in kaoru's shoulder. and he clings to him and cries for a while. kaoru strokes his hair and tells him to let it all out, and he does because completely snuggled in kaoru's arms is literally the only place hikaru feels safe enough to. it's the only place he'll ever be ok being vulnerable, because he knows kaoru's there and kaoru will keep him safe. i think the reverse is true too,, kaoru's the more 'emotional' twin but he still doesn't cry in front of anyone except hikaru. and he's so closed off even that's rare
this isn't well written for some reason, idk what it is today,, but you get the idea. snumggles..,,
HI NONNIE!!! Sorry abt the wait, like I said I am.... basically writing a whole fic... bc this will prob be the only way I'll ever get the idea out there damn it so bare with me :pensive:
in the MEAN TIME.... hikakao cuddles are always numero uno. ("for my next trick, i will return to my roots. hikakao cuddling, the only scenario ever" <- AMEN FELT THAT)
but NO I love what you wrote....Hikaru is usually so loud & upbeat, so when he has an off day, EVERYONE feels it. He's not as in sync with Kaoru, he's tripping over words, spacing out.......maybe he's simply not in the best mood today. Maybe he had a really bad nightmare last night. Maybe something personal happened that he can't/doesn't want to tell Kaoru about (eyes emoji ??) either way, he's a little out of it.
When they get home, he takes off his shoes tie n blazer but doesn't change out of anything. they usually throw on more comfy clothes everyday after school, but today only Kaoru does. of course Kaoru asks for probably the 100th time today if Hikaru is doing okay, and Hikaru just halfheartedly assures him he's okay.
Kaoru probably watches him like a hawk, bc it's so OBVIOUS something is wrong but Hikaru isn't talking about it, which is strange. Hikaru, when faced with an issue, will usually always talk about it. Usually in incoherent angry ramblings, but still, he expresses his emotions (that usually being anger). But here, he's withdrawn, purposefully NOT expressing anything, least of all anger, and that's kind of freaky because that's not like Hikaru at all. Both twins are equally as emotional, if not Kaoru being more of the sentimental, depressive type and Hikaru the more in-the-moment explosive and fiery kind. Either way, Hikaru just has a harder time keeping things bottled in than Kaoru does and tends to lash out, making him seem "more" emotional or immature.
Basically: Hikaru is acting like how Kaoru would when he's sad and that's strange and concerning, much like how if Kaoru lashed out like Hikaru does that'd be equally as weird. So he keeps an eye on his brother and tries to offer help, only to be shut down every time.
After showering and putting PJs on (neither of which Hikaru has done) he asks Hikaru to join him in bed, it's late. Hikaru is sitting at the edge of the bed on a DS or his phone or something, not really paying attention to it when he mumbles he's not tried right now.
Kaoru asks him if he's okay again. Hikaru says he's fine in a very not-fine tone. It's squeaky and cuts out and, yeah, it sounds like he's about to start crying.
Kaoru instantly sits up and reaches over to Hikaru to pull him into a hug. And he tells Hikaru it's okay. You don't have to pretend to be fine least of all around me. And Hikaru breaks. He abandons whatever he was fiddling with to bury his face into Kaoru's chest and to start sobbing, letting out the emotions he's been hiding all day. Kaoru slowly lays back with him, and soon enough they're under the sheets, Hikaru still in his school clothes, bawling into Kaoru's chest. Kaoru is a little intimidated and a lot worried for his brother, but the best he can do is pet his hair and whisper small things of reassurance to him. Once or twice he asks Hikaru what's the matter since that usually helps Hikaru, but Hikaru fails to reply both times deliberately, and so Kaoru (although worried out of his mind) doesn't push it. Once he's quieted down from guttural sobs to quiet sniffing he remains just as mute as he had been all day and doesn't say anything to Kaoru. Just keeps snuggling into his chest (tho the fabric is probably wet now :/ sad! well there's other pajamas) and holding onto him. Kaoru doesn't say much besides some quiet reassurances or encouraging Hikaru to get some rest, combing his hand through his hair and holding him close...he almost thinks to ask Hikaru a third time what's going on, but before he can, he realizes Hikaru is conked tf out and is snoring against his chest. They fall asleep like that probably, holding each other. It's adorable, but MAN that must be so fuckin hot esp with blankets. At least if Hikaru complains in the morning about sweating thru his shirt, Kaoru can deduce he's doing a lot better than he was yesterday
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urboymutual · 2 years
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hi, a veteran of parental deterfifying process. rule number one is that you've got to be patient - and not in a way that you've got to put up with your mom's bs, but in a way that you've got to brace yourself for something that might take a while. small steps are good here, as well as systematic exposure. don't flood with information - sneak it in, then sneak it in more often. don't give up. you deserve to be understood. good luck & stay safe
hi anon thanks for actually like . replying to the point of the original post 😭💗
um im gonna explain my situation more under the read more because it may be triggering tw transphobia tw csa mention tw suicide mention
so ive been out since i was 14 years old so its been about 6 years i wanna say. but lord knows ive been patient 😭😭 i think in the beginning it was kinda a battle we would constantly argue but i never really felt like. she would get to be this bad? like its like her brain is rotting by t/rf and anti trans rhetoric
like when i came out i was already in therapy and all the therapist i went to diagnosed me with gender dysphoria 😭 like every single one and she still couldnt believe it and i guess she was in the denial stage and what shes doing now is anger?
idk both my parents have the belief im doing it to make my mom made because i was a rebellious child and shit. but like it was really ur typical religious bigotry and i think thats why it hurts now :/
like ive begged her to go to pflag to talk to other parents of trans people i begged her to talk to trans people besides me ive begged her to listen to my point of view so many times but now shes like a full on t/rf conspiracy theorist
she claims theres a trans agenda, that doctors have initiative to "turn people trans" for money, that "sickos" took transgender out of the dsm because "men have a sick fetish for humiliating other men and making them into women" like this is full on like ur crazy trumper uncle who doesnt believe in vaccines type shit. and when i offer her scientific research its considered "bias" and everything i try to show her is bias.
but its worse because she now sends me videos in my fucking email of "feminist" lawyers talking about how we are "losing women" to the "transgender agenda" and how "men are trying to be women to hurt women" like ur typical t/rf bullshit and its like a mixed fucked up concoction of anti science t/rf christian ideology and it hurts so much 🫠 (she also sends me de transitioning videos that neither here nor there but cis people who claimed to be trans and now are de transitioning and are transphobic as fuck can die by my blade)
but its like . she is serious brainwashed and i think it might be this new church shes going to thats making her even worse and im like. i literally cried myself to sleep last night because like i just want her to love me and she yells at me on the phone saying im butchering my body and like she also says i need more therapy (i go to therapy every month) bc i "was molested as a kid so now i think im trans" and that i "just need to love my body" and it hurts because like. shes literally hitting every single transphobic point and wont listen to me ever
i try listening to her now to understand and to try to see where she is coming from but its ruining my mental health a lot like getting top surgery is the only thing keeping me from suicide to be blunt :/ and now i might not even have that because she's threatening to cut me off and i live in expensive ass california and am in college 😭 like i do not know how to keep going
im just a child on the inside begging for my moms love and shes so brainwashed and it hurts. but yeah i guess shes "so based" when she also threatens me on the phone. idk t/rf much rather see a dead trans kid than care abt women
anyways sorry this is so long it kinda became a vent which was like half the original point of my post in the first place 😭😭 ur advice is good anon but i dont know how much i can keep hanging on 🫠🫠
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11271976-07142023 · 2 months
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I have always heard this song. But tonight, I heard it differently. I felt it, extremely differently. I couldn’t stop crying. Imagining how you would have been if the tables were turned. Or even… you being lost ? Not knowing you’re gone… and thinking I went away? The words.. they’re just you. And I lost it. All over again. Time doesn’t do shit but make it worse, Kurt. Life is precious. And I just feel like ppl don’t know it. I’m part of a weird club now. A club nobody wants to ever be in. You were much much more than anger issues, Kurtis. A hell of a lot more. I saw a man changing his tire tonight on the side of the road. You would have pulled over to help him. I got two black women tonight, I was partly you w them lol you were there weren’t you? They were beautiful strong hard working black women, loved them. You would have too. We talked.. we laughed.. I made them laugh! Hard! The delivery, boyyyy lol ‘I’m just thinkin of the bird shit…’ they were the funniest words tonight. They rolllled and I enjoyed their laughter♥️ dropped one off then going to drop off the other, co-workers. First is a head chef at a hospital, or hotel ?? Idkkkkk lollll I forgot/wasn’t paying attention bc it was in back! She was a dishwasher. She was getting dropped off at the gas station, she said she don’t live far from it, I said pshhhh lemme wait for you, you been on your feet all day. She was extremely fucking touched. She eeeagerly gave me $5. She was thankful and grateful and she was like, I like you. I hope I get you again. N you know what, I felt so much fucking love in her words, and it made my fucking night. They both did. And they no no, we were talkin shit abt these little car thieves!! Uhgh. Beautiful women. I hope good things for them. & here n there ppl wanna use the race card on me??? Hahaha!!! Omg smfffffh. That’s probably the biggest insult I could ever get in my life. It makes me wanna fucking choke them fr fr. And you know what I thought abt those ppl? I’m going to be you, Kurt. Bc you become them. You speak to them like they speaking w you n they listen. Bc I’ve witnessed it muuuuultiple times. No need to call police force anymore. I just need to change masks. You taught me so much. I am your legacy. I love you, Kurt. I always will.
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