#I WILL HAVE PEACE ONCE MORE

[lonewolflink]

me over the last 48 hours: let's prepare for our 2 day fly out interview/job audition thursday and friday!

my brain: ok but what if we wrote 80% of ch. 16 of hockey au instead, and barely got any sleep

me: NO STOP WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

my brain: too late

#welp i'm here now and underprepared #time to pull off the old high school maneuver #cram for the test last minute #get an A #first test was this evening and i think i passed by spitting BARS at dinner about aristotle and daoism #just gotta not fuck up tomorrow #and make them love me lmao #AND THEN #ONCE I'M BACK HOME FRIDAY #IT WILL BE DONE #ALL THE FLY OUT INTERVIEWS #I WILL HAVE PEACE ONCE MORE #AND CAN WRITE HOCKEY AU (...or my dissertation) TO MY HEART'S CONTENT #my adhd management has been out of control with all this travel lmao #i'm ready to get back to a regular schedule and get my life in order

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[uncanny-tranny]

The hardest, but most important, part of my transition has been untangling what my personal dysphoria is, and what is more a result of cissexism.

What I mean by this is that I learned that I am not dysphoric about certain aspects of myself, my body, and my life, but my discomfort in these aspects was influenced by the cissexist culture I live in which told me I couldn't exist as myself.

It's definitely a slow process, but I have found that it helps me self-actualize and actually see myself instead of what others demand of me.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #dysphoria #and what makes this really tricky is that often it isn't clear-cut as to what makes you dysphoric... #...versus what makes you uncomfortable due to your culture or environment... #...i still experience dysphoria but now i find that my motivation isn't to please the people around me... #...if i truly wanted to please the people around me then i would cease to exist altogether... #...and once i truly recognized that and came to terms with this reality i stopped feeling like i owed the world everything... #...i stopped feeling so disconnected with myself... #...i don't think this will be useful for everybody but i want to offer a different approach to it... #...by no means do i think that this is a 'cure-all' in fact it's not even close... #...because what i found that this has done is bring me *closer* to my trans body and my trans soul... #...i have found that my dysphoria has narrowed (especially since going on testosterone) and i feel more at peace

[bbq-potato-chip]

thinking about saiura

#my art #saiki k #tdlosk #saiki no psi nan #the disastrous life of saiki k #saiki kusuo #aiura mikoto #mikosai #saiura #i like them as friends more often but...an impulse came over me idk what happened . .. #i got an anon a couple days ago saying they liked my mikosai arts even tho i . didnt mean for those 2 be ship arts #so this one goes out to you #usually i dont like it when ppl tag my stuff as ship but i had a change of heart #(btw those other arts are still intended as platonic/ friendship stuff but i'm making an exception just this once) #anyway. no one probably wanted to listen 2 all that but yeagh #more recent art but not really. i really tried to do like have a bunch of arts on queue type deal but it didnt work . like at all. #anyway peace and love

[ryllen]

Look what came through the mail today! The letters & ( •̀ω•́ )σ 3 little gremlins from letterstoear.

Just wanna say i adore the flower stickers on the letters too much, they are that much worth mentioning.

#letterstoear #nui #twst #twisted wonderland #sebek zigvolt #malleus draconia #twst grim #mod posting #okay but i love squishing the bears with my thumb; they just have the right thickness to be pressed on #i really like the flower stickers; they look like romantically artistic wax seal #the letters are pleasantly nice #i love the part where cheka personally request for an audience with yuu thru sebek 🥺🥺🥹🥹 too cute hnggh ....... #sebek becoming our little mailman for our little invitation aw 🥹 for those who wanna know the context of the letter; #i requested a letter from sebek that he sent home while he was away accompanying malleus on other country duty #my other favorite part is just him simply opening the letter with 'My love' #i'm sealed 🥹 the first paragraph is written so sweetly #i enjoy reading the letter slowly outside in peaceful afternoon today; i ran it through together with sebek nui #this will be my treasured keepsake from now on 🥹; it seriously made me miss letters and wish i have someone to send this kind of letter to #it was a bit funny how the envelope sebek's letter came from is sticked with the guys from free! sticker fhsdsh 🤣😂 #and me with the white haired guy like WHo are u?? fsjdsdjsd (´つヮ⊂); but it's a really nice service #the thank you letter came with such a cute and yummy folding paper; thank you for the stickers too #i feel like there's a bit whoopsie on grim's winky eye fshfh like i think the sharpie just blurs the separating space '<' supposed to have #and just combine it all together into one angry eye; and sebek bear's eyes are just a little bigger than i expected it to be #but the more i look at them i think they are just having a little individuality & still cute #i embraced it all together while knowing the fact none of handmade thing would always be the same one with the other; hehe sebek nui has fr #i kinda forget that there's this kind of clip earring fshd; because i always get the ones that work like screw from aliexpress #i know that the literal clip one would just be literal meaning of pain fsh; just like the magnet one my father once got me when i was a kid #it was painful but pretty; tho i lost it quickly bcs magnet easily get loosed once one part of it moves around when u touch ur hair or face #anyhow i had a pleasant day because of this; thank you very much ! sebek nui said 'thank you' too! ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ❀ ✿ 𖤣…

[mashmouths]

post limit was created to silence women

#'mad that you hit post limit again aren't you?' yes i am in fact #felix in despair voice I CAN'T SPEAK #only tenuously a woman and i have never once shut up but i am being silenced and i tire #i don't say words out loud in my real life please can i babble into the void in peace....... #tch whatever it's not like i care. looks wetly over my shoulder at you as i slowly walk away. #a post #this post plays in my head verbatim every time i hit post limit btw it's finally time to let her fly free #like i have almost 1000 drafts i self-censor quite a bit i just have more to say.

[daftpatience]

one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

[lucalicatteart]

A few silly little small sculptures that I made with some of the leftover clay from the main one I did recently

#sculpture #birds #neopets #sparkly little aishas my beloved..... #Though I actually kind of liked them with a matte finish more?? I wanted to try out making them sparkly and shiny..but #I think they might have looked better before adding all the shine. BUT I kind of like both. Maybe I should make two more that aren't shiny #just to have variation lol... an entire army of tiny aishas..... #The little house is so bad lol I hada headache at that point and kind of just wanted to get everything over with #(I bake the clay all at once so I had to get the smaller ones done to go with the main one) #and was like.. zero effort into making things line up or measuring at all. one window on one side is like twice as big as on the other lol #but I think from afar ifnot examined too closely it's still kind of cute. The birds were also just random like 'what can I shape out of thi #s small blob of clay I have leftover' etc. I did actually put irridescent eyeshaow on the pigeon but it just doesnt show up in photos ToT #The other bird is not anything in specific... some sort of random fantasy creature bird with slight purple on it's wings or something #The strawberry is exclusively just a quickly done accessory for the birds.. I wanted them to have a little meal to share #even though I dont know if birds eat strawberries #the last picture in the set is them all sitting on a shelf (the most well lit place I could find) but looks weird #since it has all of my avocado pit eyes in the background......... ominous backdrop for such peaceful little creachures.. #you kind of cant tell what they are from that angle though i guess lol

[julijbee]

i kind of miss when he had genuine beef with a 12 year old and wanted him dead.

#dont change for anyone grief. #art #pathologic #bad grief #pathologic 2 #ill be honest his pathologic one drip is kind of unbeatable to me #he has the same leather based appeal as rubin in that category and i am not keen on giving it up #child based gang violence aside i cant argue that they didnt maintain some amount of nonbinary swag in 2 its just a different kind #its not the same kind of swag #its still there but hes a different guy #i really do appreciate pathologic two grief though. i appreciate him more for every interaction i accidentally find him in #my first playthrough i didnt see him at aspitys the morning rubins being hunted for sport the First time in the warehouses #i still liked him when he wanted notkins head on a stake but hes easier to like without all that baggage i suppose #anyways if you cannot tell my fixation has reared its unsightly head once more and i have not yet broken free #nor do i have any real desire to which is the root of the issue. probably. #in the meanwhile enjoy more comics made on scrap construction paper in an afternoon. #much peace and love. until next time.

[reinabeestudio]

I keep reading their name as 'Saffron' so, the funnie colors 💥

At first I thought it was a pun on 'Sin fin' (endless in Spanish). Fitting since, well. Y'know. The Loops(tm) (<- said like The Horrors)

(*In Stars And Time by @insertdisc5)

#in stars and time #isat #siffrin #fan art #my art #holy skate in a fence yomiel drawing fan art that isn't related to self-insert. MIRACLE ☝☝☝☝ #i still have to finish it (no spoilers!!!) but yknow #there's only so many times i can go HE'S LITERALLY ME FR while playin til i end up drawing them at least Once #how to win in life: add a little funnymandias that is so gender in your project. a billion hearts forever peace&love #btw I do Not recommend following me if you expect more. Bc like. I rarely draw fan art KDJSNFJKDS #that said. Game Fun. Buy It 👑👍✨ #i MIGHT draw siffrin again in the future bc I'm deeply fond of this little funnyjokespun person. but that might take a while AHAHAHDSF #<- btw i love that part so much. made it my header in .3 seconds

[lunarharp]

wanted to adapt the google search results a gay woman got in a japanese drama "tsukuritai onna to tabetai onna" which is good btw.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #the most light and gentle version of flirting-like behaviour of all time - a mutual passing thing - a peaceful dance through the long years #a way to work you out.. a way to express something about myself. all these steps are leading up to that beautiful magic #that you read about once. but actually we've been making it all this time... many many steps to this wonderful recipe. #the only non-perfect & non-fated thing about them is that oru is gay but (imo) qif could easily be transfem at any time. don't test him #oru being a woman wouldnt change anything for qif but oru is gay as hell.. However if qif was a woman then it'd be fine anyway no doubt. #oru would give in his membership to the Gay Men's Picnic Club group he goes to and embark on this life instead..many such cases #also i was typing “am i gay” into google when drawing tsukutabe fanart to check what google looks like #and “am i depressed” was the autofill for “am i”. qif's life is like: maybe he would have looked up something like oru did #but he got a bit distracted and started reading about cptsd instead which seemed more pertinent. sometimes childhood goes this way <3 #anyway Tsukuritabe..Kinou nani tabeta...And witch hat kitchen.... the trio of gentle silly 30+ gay couple situations..ohh.. #orufrey are the combo of those. like tsukutabe they aren't together yet. like kinou nani tabeta they are a long-term couple. beautiful #i will never let go of them. drawing this has cheered me up. they are with me

[violettssims]

The eastern suburbs of Newport where "all the hipsters live" (according to Christian) The streets are a little grungy and you'll get a whiff of rotten trash on every corner but it's home to the best coffee in the city, a vibrant mix of culture and many, many neighbourhood (or perhaps just lost) cats.

#yeah rage quit the game like 236237 times whilst building this #but then randomly i come home from work one day and try again #and it somewhat works out #it be like that sometimes ig #still a wip but honestly idk if i have the time or energy #to work on it more #story stuff #S2VFB #Matty lives here btw #the hipster bat boy #also someone scream at me to stop fluffing around #and actually film episodes #ok ruminating stops here #i actually just want to rest in peace for once #like as in SLEEP #the sims 4 #v

[baby-xemnas]

😭😭😭

#law san do your job and bully him sexually forever for the rest of your lives... #omfggggfg hes soooooo weak #he just got law back its so unfaiiiirrrrr #he just started healing from his heartbreak #hes in full ''appreciating what i have 1000 times more because i lost it once'' wound is so fresh #hes SENSITIVE and VULNERABLE #dont you think its kinda crazy adorable that law is so reserved and you could even say cold #even in the way he loves #but bеpo knows that no its real and its strong and loves him back THIS MUCH #the moment they are apart hes gone hes not there hes lost.... #and the moment law comes back he is so happy he is not even mad law left for a bit in the first place #too happy to think #too in love #bepоs heart can only be at peace when he is hugging law...even better if they are naked #attention from captain yes please #even tho he might cry from captain being rough bepо loves the intensity of it.....how can he not? its captain... #everything captain does he takes and he's grateful #look at him.........gentle thing #so full of love ...law what do you do to him that he is like this when you are apart huh.

[lesbaurinkos]

god's loudest silent This Guy. beautiful world

#im OUT OF CLASS i can WATCH THE VIDEO PROPERLY NOW and i am SMILING SO WIDE #the world is SPARKLING ONCE MORE. FOR LIL OL ME. #i HAVE NOT SLEPT. #but now i can feel PEACE OF MIND

[sciderman]

Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?

actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.

my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.

#sci speaks #i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me. #i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men. #i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring. #also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life. #this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed. #lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??” #“why are you together??????????” #i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror. #i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better. #the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified #but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships. #just an observation. #i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but. #of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does. #it makes a difference. it does. #which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body” #im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me. #i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have. #my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here. #sorry this went off on a tangent. #but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues. #i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous. #i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got. #once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that! #couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.

[skunkes]

doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long

#talkys #im gonna say some more stuff here which is i dont think its ever going to happen for me which is like #it should be fine right...i dont think im even meant to be in a relationship it sounds exhausting and like another #constant neverending performance... #but its like that one post...''im happy by myself but also where's the love of my life'' #ykwim...i wish i could at least make an informed decision #but that would also be tragic as it'd require me to go thru more heartbreak so i could know for certain #is it better to do it or not do it at all... #anyway ive also been having a hard time putting this into words #but. i like my alone time! i can live with myself. + nothing will ever beat the peace and romance in my brain #but. it also feels so weird to think this way. in the sense of like. yeah. you're only thinking this way because you Have To. #because that's your reality. other ppl don't have to think this way because they are capable of finding love. #other people dont have to reaffirm themself of this in the wake of not ever being desired and valued.... #does that make sense...? it feels really weird. #like of course u have to like being alone and spending time with yourself. you have no other choice lol. you lost. #and also... idk. idealized romances in my brain better than anything maybe i would like to be held just once by another living human being. #🌺