#ykwim...i wish i could at least make an informed decision

[skunkes]

doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long

#talkys #im gonna say some more stuff here which is i dont think its ever going to happen for me which is like #it should be fine right...i dont think im even meant to be in a relationship it sounds exhausting and like another #constant neverending performance... #but its like that one post...''im happy by myself but also where's the love of my life'' #ykwim...i wish i could at least make an informed decision #but that would also be tragic as it'd require me to go thru more heartbreak so i could know for certain #is it better to do it or not do it at all... #anyway ive also been having a hard time putting this into words #but. i like my alone time! i can live with myself. + nothing will ever beat the peace and romance in my brain #but. it also feels so weird to think this way. in the sense of like. yeah. you're only thinking this way because you Have To. #because that's your reality. other ppl don't have to think this way because they are capable of finding love. #other people dont have to reaffirm themself of this in the wake of not ever being desired and valued.... #does that make sense...? it feels really weird. #like of course u have to like being alone and spending time with yourself. you have no other choice lol. you lost. #and also... idk. idealized romances in my brain better than anything maybe i would like to be held just once by another living human being. #🌺