#He still has his self-harm tendencies but he avoids it. He avoids harming his angel. His miracle. His life. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lovee-infected · 4 years

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Hi! Can i request some headcanons for Yandere Rook, Epel, and the twins where their darling tries to genuinely understand their unhealthy tendencies and tries to co-operate with them to calm them down, would it work? Will that keep their obsessiveness in check? Thanks!

These four really do have different types of obsession , each unique yet - adorable !

♦♥♠♣

Feelings can be quite destructive , but not to him . Rook isn't into self harming emotions and will greatly enjoy a game of cat and mouse . Of course he'd be a lot more fascinated if its with you

He appreciates your beauty , elegance and mostly , your innocence . He loves to see fear and embarrassment into your eyes , just as a hunter

Rook has no worry of you realizing that he's stalking on you . He will pop out of nowhere into your way making you jump , then laughs with a : " My bad , did I scare you my lady ? "

He is totally aware of how unsafe you feel as he calls you his and surely enjoys it , after all that what he's after

You'd tried almost anything to avoid running to him or letting him run to you : Skipping classes , staying out for fewer hours , locking doors and windows before going to sleep...

Rook wouldn't mind you fighting back , it was good to see that he's been realized and feared by his prey . Bunny or deer , he was gonna let you try and fight back , not that he wasn't interested to see it though

Locking windows wasn't a stop for him from watching over you at nights . In fact he believed that you should've been thankful as well ; not a single soul or animal would make it to your room alive under his sight

Spending more and more days being watched , you seriously grew furious ; which made you run whenever you saw him around , causing him to walk faster following you

You soon had enough of it , insomnia and paranoid had you weak , not able to take it anymore

You went too Rook by your own feet , telling him about how uncomfortable you've been feeling lately and your health issues

His eyes suddenly widened putting a hand on your forehead to see if you're fine ; which you surely weren't

He immediately returned you to Ramshackle dorm , putting you on bed and sitting aside you : " My dear , you should've told me if you were feeling uncomfortable . You know how much pain would be brought to my heart even by thinking of you getting hurt..."

He then gave you a kiss and whispered a : " Forgive me darling , now take some rest ," to your ear before leaving

Just by the smirk he was holding all the time you could've said that he hadn't changed at all ; and of course he hadn't

He already knew how he's been making you feel and the only thing changed by your argument , was for him to hide more carefully

He doesn't want you hurt , but he couldn't help how exciting it was to see you helpless either

When you finally re-gained your health just enough to return to classes , he got way worse ways to watch over you . He picked up the same classes as you , participated in same clubs and even took the same path as you yet this time , there is no hiding

He openly talks to you about whatever you might talk : your day , your plans for tomorrow , etc . Pretty good at acting as if he isn't doing all these on purpose

You think that it couldn't get any worse but finding a letter on your bed with an arrow-shaped stamp on , you realize you were greatly mistaken :

He now openly asks you out and invites you for dinner , making it Impossible for you to avoid him

The romantic pace he brings to your night with candles and roses is surely something , but it doesn't change the fact that he's having you in control

He does really enjoy playing with you and your mind Watching you try to hold him back is absolutely cute in the eyes of this hunter

It simply begun with him staring too much at you during classes , hoping that you wouldn't notice him and when you did , he'd just anwser with a nervous smile , trying to seem neutral

Epel tries his best bring himself closer to you but not in a harmful way . He keeps following you around making sure that he'll be as close as possible

He doesn't intend to harm you or make you feel uncomfortable ; he just feels better when you're close

He doesn't care if you aren't going to talk to him or at least notice him , just watching your beautiful giggles and hearing your angelic voice will do for him

You soon realized that you were seeing him around a lot more that usual , during lunchtime , while talking to friends and even around ramshackle dorm , which made you a bit worried

Epel had noticed your slowly growing anxiety around him , and it frustrated him , making him scared of losing you

Even the thought of you hating him would bring tears to his eyes , making him silently cry hiding face into his pillow for many nights

He is much of a self harm yandere , he is way too shy to walk straight to you and start a conversation , so he'll just keep it all to himself , although this will end up bringing him more pain

You were trying to deal with him around , but you couldn't help it the night you found Epel trying to kiss you as you were asleep , which ended up with him running off in tears leaving you in fear and an awfull sense of being unsafe

Epel didn't show up for a few days afterwards , which made you feel sorry about it . You didn't get why he'd choose to stalk if he was really feeling for you , but considering how shy and quite he usually was you couldn't blame him either

Next to you meet he looks just...awfull . You are still a bit shocked about what happened , but realizing the bags under Epel's eyes and how much skinnier he'd got , you hug him tightly

Spending time with him , you realize how he just needs your attention ; to have you close

You didn't directly try to talk him out of his obssessive ways because that would've surely made him feel more guilty and depressed

You decide to use a different method as a way to stop his unhealthy routines or at least , reduce them for a mentionable amount : By giving him the time and attention he wanted

He'll still get a bit upset by the moments you have to leave , but you confort him that you'll soon be back

He'll slightly grows a lot better , returning to his healthy pace

There are times which he gets overly anxious or stressful , fearing of you leaving him behind , but you just know how to keep up with him :

Holding him in your embrace and kisses on the forehead will make him feel unimaginably calm and safe. He sometimes ends up falling asleep into your embrace but you don't mind

He's quite nervous and gentle when it comes to love , which may cause him to go too far sometimes . But as long as you are there for him , he's gonna be fine

Jade is a pretty calm , yet obssessive yandere. He just isn't one into stalking or following you around , yet he has his own standards

He doesn't have to follow you around since you already come for a coffee at mostrolounge's every afternoon , which is enough to be called his perfect time with you

First days just passed with him watching you with a smile , curious and bright about the way you enjoyed taking slow and patient sips of your coffee , putting on a calm face that made him lick his lips excitedly

When he finally took the urge too talk , it was no more than small talk or asking you if you want anything

His small talks slowly turned into friendly chats , he sat next to you more like a friend than a waiter waiting for you to order ; he was really growing close to you

With several weeks passing he is now way closer to you than a normal friend . He also meets you during classes and lunch time but nothing will ever replace your afternoon meetings at mostrolounge

You knew that he liked you and you didn't really have a problem with this , he is all nice and polite so why not , you thought

But just as he brings himself closer to you , his darker sides begin to be revealed as well ;

Having your exams started , you couldn't show up at mostrolounge everyday and Jade didn't like it at all , though he was well aware of you being busy

He doesn't show any anger meanwhile the two of you meet at school , although you already knew that Jads was hiding his disappointment under that calm smile

When you finally get to return to mostrolounge after a while , he doesn't act any differently than before . You try to apologize but he comforted you that he understands how busy you are

Things got a lot different from the day after . He now asks you about people you meet everyday and friends you talk to . You don't find any of these information necessary but didn't mind giving them away either

His questions soon got irritating and whenever you tried to switch the subject or lie ,he used shock the heart on you : "Darling , be honest with me ,"

His friendly talks are now serious interrogations , as if he he knows that you're hiding something from him . You never mind answering him even though he sometimes went too far , but seeing him caught into his paranoids of you cheating him made you worried

You already like Jade and don't want to see him as he is , so you take a step forward , asking him if he likes to go on real dates , not occasional cafe meetings

He blushes at your request , unsure what to say but he immediately accepts it ; not wanting to lose the chance

Even as the two of you date , he continues to be protective over you since the thought of you cheating him drives him mad

He'll keep asking you if you want someone else using shock the heart , which you always say no but that doesn't ever seem enough to satisfy him , even though he knows that you're telling the truth

Jade just wants you on his side and doesn't want to lose you ; after all prevention is better than cure

Floyd's obsession isn't something he'd like to hide . He just isn't the type who would rather hiding in the shadows and sneakinh behind the doors , he finds that pretty useless and of course , boring

He doesn't mind you noticing him around or telling that he's following you , he'd even doubt that you'd ask since he does it pretty obviously

You tried to be positive about it , asking him what he's doing or if he wants something several times , but the anwser made seeing him around a hundred times creepier : " Nah- Isn't it obvious ? I'm just following you ,"

Stalking isn't an extremely exciting kink of him , he's more into close-interactions : Showing up out of nowhere and holding your hand , being squeezed unexpectedly during classes or even being grabbed by arm and warned about how close you've been to your friends lately were just simple

He doesn't like you spending too much time with any other than him and wouldn't mind stating it to you loud and clear. He even says how bad he wants to roast those fishies , which he meant your friends , into flaming hot fire ; which he you laughed at just to be hushed by his deadly gaze , clarifying that he obviously wasn't joking

You didn't really try to hold him back at first , thinking that he was just much of a tsundere around you , being protective as a friend ; but when his small jokes grow closer to reality , you knew that you had to take it serious

He would grab anyone who gets too close to you by grabbing back of their collar and pull them back like it's no big deal ; no need to say that the ones who already know him are too terrified to argue and those who don't as well will be cut off by just looking at his gigantic figure

Soon enough , everyone around you are aware of you belonging to unpredictable Leech twin , which will probably cause them to keep their distance with you ; enough to make you feel isolated

Floyd as well is starts avoiding people , even acting cooler with Jade in fear of you preferring his 'pitch perfect twin' over him

You were already feeling unsafe due to his unhealthy behaviors toward you , but watching him doing the same to himself made you feel guilty ; after all this was all for you , because of him being obssessed with you .

You were no match for him if you were to talk you out of it , so you decided that you needed some...help

Asking Jade and Azul for help would normally cost a price , but since they as well were worried about Floyd , you could call it a deal

You all agreed that he needed to take some time off to return to a more stable position , which Floyd obviously disagreed

Finally he agreed on taking a short vacation but just on condition ; you had to go with him

Jade and Azul were sure that you wouldn't last any more than a few days alone with him , which made them decide to come with you as well

Floyd isn't quite satisfied about having to take an unwanted vacation , but since it's with you , he can kinda deal with it

He is never gonna totally let go of his obssessive ways , but having his closest friends along with you will make him a bit calmer ; at least enough for him to be his real self

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cdkwrites · 3 years

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fall from grace (5)

Two households, both alike in dignity

An uneasy truce between Heaven and Hell was struck eons ago. Tensions still simmer underneath the surface between the two warring factions. Dartz has agreed to keep his angels in line and Pegasus has agreed to keep his demons in line. Their grudges run deep, a danger to those that they command.

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean

When Atem from one of the high houses of Hell is discovered dying in the streets of 1920s Paris by a mysteriously kind angel, tensions of this old war spark when she elects to save his life. The devastating fall out of one simple act of kindness is more than enough to shatter the truce. Soon, it maybe be impossible to avoid the resulting war for all species on Earth.

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend

——-

cw: mentions of blood, self harm (kind of? there’s no scarring involved, it’s more like Allowing Oneself To Starve To Death), suicide idealization (nothing worse than you’d read in canon ygo), some artistic license re: european history espeically re: the french, violence

chapter one. chapter two. chapter three. chapter four.

you can read it on ao3 here!

if you enjoy my work, considering supporting me through ko-fi!

From the journal of Kazuko Kubota: November 15, 1922. Paris Sumiko continues to refuse to leave Paris. Even more irksome, the demon has taken her side…

Kazuko frowned at the mirror, trying to decide the best approach to the ongoing problem of Sumiko's refusal to leave Paris. There was no good answer, really. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy her sister was close by. It was that she didn’t trust Duke. Kazuko liked him even less after Duke suggested that Sumiko was right - her learning self defense would be a valuable skill. You can’t protect her forever, hunter.

Duke was standing in the kitchen with a rather smarmy grin that Kazuko had longed to punch off his face. However, she didn’t know if it would even actually hurt him. The more she interacted with Duke, the less she understood about him. Duke had a very annoying habit of acting like nothing mattered in the long run. He kept insisting that mortals had a short life span and that nothing mattered in the end for people like her. It was very insulting.

“Well, it seems important to me,” Kazuko finally snapped at him one day, turning to glare at him. “What’s your problem, anyway?”

“I don’t have a problem, hunter,” Duke said with a flash of his sharp teeth. Again, Kazuko couldn’t help but notice that unlike vampires, every single one of Duke’s teeth were razor sharp. She badly wanted to ask what Duke ate but was scared of the answer. “I’m merely pointing out that mortals have a tendency to overthink the future.”

“And what would you know about mortals as a whole?” Kazuko crossed her arms, glaring at him. “What type of mortals do you usually meet, anyway?”

“You meet all sorts when you work in this type of shop,” Duke said as he tossed up a vial in the air. Kazuko still was not sure why he felt the need to show off when mixing up the potions for display, even when no one was around to watch him. “They all have ideas of the future. Rigid plans for love, success, and happiness that is fleeting. Some of them are desperate enough that they sell what they can’t get back.”

Kazuko did not bother asking what he took as payment. She didn’t think she could stomach it if she knew. She tried her best to keep Sumiko away from Duke but unfortunately, Sumiko found Duke fascinating. “Right,” Kazuko said with a wary look on her face. “You always say shit like that and get shocked when I don’t want you around my sister.”

“But your sister likes being around me,” Duke said with a smug grin as he splashed a vivid blue liquid into the cauldron. The liquid inside turned a violent shade of green. “You can’t dictate your sister’s life choices, hunter.”

She yanked her knife out, flipping it easily in hand as she slammed Duke into the wall. “Don’t think that just because I don’t know what kills you doesn’t mean I won’t have fun trying to figure it out,” Kazuko threatened, annoyed that Duke didn’t even seem scared. “I imagine that I can at least still make you hurt.”

“You probably could,” Duke said, an arched brow. “Gonna kiss me?” Kazuko made a disgusted sound before releasing him. Duke smoothed out his shirt and winked at her. “You could always just ask me further questions about what type of demon I am. Certainly one of the books around here would tell you everything you need to know about me.”

He had a point. Kazuko still wasn’t sure why she didn’t bother. Duke, at this point, had been a willing open book now that he was certain that Kazuko couldn’t kill him. “Like you’d tell me how to kill you.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Duke said with a smile that Kazuko still had yet to decipher. It was different from his smug, self assured smile in a way she couldn’t quite pin down yet. “But it’s very obvious that you’re an intelligent woman, hunter. I’m certain that all you’d need to find out how to kill me is merely me telling you the wrong thing at the wrong time.”

Her eyes narrowed at him as she wondered what that could possibly mean. Duke, at no point, had ever come across as particularly careless. He smirked as he threw some powder in the cauldron and put a lid over it. She wanted to ask what the potion he was brewing was for. Instead, she rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “Let’s start simple then. What kind of demon are you?”

“Power in names,” he reminded her as he stroked the flames under the pot. “You already knew I wasn’t going to tell you that, though. Why don’t you ask something you really want to ask, hunter?” A flash of teeth and Kazuko took a step back. His smile was smug again. “Ask me what I eat.”

Kazuko’s eyebrows shot up. “How did you -“

“I know mortals, hunter,” Duke said with a shrug. “And you’ve been curious since you saw my teeth. I also know that you want to know what I’m making but haven’t asked. And now you want to know how I know that.” Kazuko glared at him, refusing to answer him. “I see. Alright, fine. This power was granted to me by Master Pegasus. I can glean information directly from mortal’s minds, as if they’d spoken it out loud to me.”

“You can read minds?” Kazuko was well aware it was a silly question and yet she couldn’t help herself. She felt anger surge through her. “And you’ve just been listening in on my thoughts without my consent? Without telling me that my thoughts aren’t safe?”

Duke shrugged. This clearly did matter to him the way it did to her. "You never asked,” he said with a sly grin. “Are you worried I heard something you didn’t want me to hear?”

Kazuko frowned as she mulled this new information over. Something was not sitting right and she didn't know what it was. Her eyes narrowed at him as it hit her. “You said you only hear mortals but when we met, you thought I might be an angel,” she remarked, her eyes narrowing further still. “So spill."

Duke seemed surprised by this call-out. “You’re smarter than most mortals." He seemed annoyed despite this sounding like it would be praise from anyone else. “You’re right. It’s also not perfect - I can’t distinguish the mind I’m reading. Nor do I have any particular control over when I read a mind.” His hands rested on the island, leaning forward. Kazuko leaned back in her chair, feeling uneasy by his sudden closeness. “Well, Kazuko Kubota… It’s been fun talking but I believe you want to convince your sister to leave. You should go try again.”

Kazuko took the excuse to leave, trying her best to keep her mind free from thoughts.

From the logs of Keket, Soldier of Chaos, Keeper of Fate: 1900s Spoke with Rafael. Rafael seems to agree that the best course of action is to eliminate the vampire. While I still have reservations, it seems the vampire's is inevitable.

The map that the vampire had made for her stared up at Keket judgmentally. It seemed wrong to use his gift in this manner. He had, after all, made this map for her in good faith. “I find it hard to believe a vampire just handed you this map,” Rafael remarked, pointing to the same house Jonouchi had pointed out. “I don’t understand what this one is.”

Keket thought about telling him the truth. She knew that he might be able to help her. He was strong and was not suffering from a warning mark killing him slowly. Rafael would be more than willing to help her fight a demon. And yet she could not bring herself to ask for his help. This was her fight and she would not drag Rafael down with her. "I'm not sure what it is,” she lied, shrugging. “He did not explain what it was.”

Rafael examined her critically, as if he did not believe her. Keket could not blame him for not believing her. She tilted her head up to him, daring him to call her out. He shrugged and gave her a small smile. “Shame he didn't tell you more,” Rafael said as he glanced over at her. “It would aid you in the mission Dartz gave you.”

She gasped, glancing up into Rafael's piercing blue eyes. All she could think was how did he know . The only answer was Dartz must have told him. She smirked, ignoring the stabbing pain rolling up along her arm. The sharp reminder that she was weakened and that proceeding forward with Dartz’s mission could kill her. “You always were Dartz’s favorite,” she said with a wink. “Only you would get to know what missions other angels have.”

He didn't even bother looking embarrassed by this. Instead he looked a little smug. "You could also have been favored by Dartz too at one point, " he said. “Instead you started getting chummy with a vampire.”

Keket rolled her eyes. “Dartz has been annoyed with me even before I saved that vampire,” she countered, trying her best to suppress the grimace that came with the pain running down her back. “I ask too many questions, remember?”

Rafael laughed at this. “You do ask too many questions,” Rafael conceded as he looked back at the map. “This is, however, an accurate map. I would proceed with extreme caution, Ket.” He looked at her and Keket got the sense that if she simply asked, he’d go with her. Rafael would be willing to protect her if she only could open her mouth and say the words. “It could be a trap.”

For a second, Keket wanted more than anything to ask Rafael to come with her when she went to check out the house. She thought about how easily that vampire could get the jump on her. Every part of her was aching. She was grateful that she and Rafael were alone. Rafael wouldn’t question her choosing to keep her wings unconcealed. It was too much energy to conceal them. “It could be,” Keket admitted, hedging her answer. “But I can handle it. After all, Dartz told me to take care of this vampire.”

From the journal of Prince Atem, domain of vampires: London, November 1922 Pegasus seems to think that I have a thing for this angel. I don’t know who’s spreading this rumor but it’s truly audacious to assume that I want to date an angel of all things.

“I heard quite the tale about you, Atem-boy,” Pegasus said before Atem even had a chance to settle in. Atem eyed the full goblet in Pegasus’s hand. “Don’t worry, no one died for this. Come, sit down. Shall I get you some blood? The most beautiful girl has been donating to me as of late - I should introduce you two. Oh, wait. You seem to prefer celestial beings now, don’t you?”

Atem blinked and titled his head as he tried to process everything that Pegasus had just said. Pegasus sat a crystal goblet in front of Atem, the dark red liquid calling to Atem. He was ashamed when he picked it up, taking a deep swig of the liquid as he focused every thought on the taste of blood on his tongue. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, dear uncle.”

“Of course you do,” Pegasus said with a wave of his hand as he settled into his ornate chair, crossing on leg. His good eye was focused on Atem, a sinister smirk on his face. “I can still see her face in your mind. You told her where you live…and where other demons in Paris rest, naughty boy. What if her friends show up to kill yours?”

Atem focused intently on the blood in the glass. He thought instead of Anzu and her soft, very human features. “Then I would have been wrong about her,” Atem said quietly, focusing on how pretty Anzu had looked when she moaned and how Bakura had urged him on. He could only hope that this line of thought would keep Pegasus out of his head. “She does not seem like she’d be capable of harm, though.”

“A lot of angels seem that way at first glance, Atem-boy,” Pegasus said, a look of disgust appearing on his face. “Do you mind thinking about something other than your sexual exploits?”

“Stay out of my head, then.” Atem glared at Pegasus. “Don’t you have other things to focus on other than my romantic life?”

“You have a point,” Pegasus said with a sour look on his face. “As much as I would like to interrogate you more about the choice to let an angel this deep into your life, I have more important matters to attend to. Do you remember Duke?”

Instantly, the image of the demon flooded right to Atem’s head and the last time he saw Duke. “Perhaps.”

“You should tell that angel of yours how much you get around,” Pegasus remarked with a roll of his eyes. “I need you to find out why Duke has yet to get me another soul. And don’t try to fuck him.”

“Technically, I never -“

“Yes, yes, I know, spare me the details, Atem-boy,” Pegasus said as he downed the rest of his goblet with a grimace. Atem smirked as he specifically thought about the more intimate details. “You are a menace. Fine, I’ll stop reading your mind for the rest of the day.”

“That’s what I was aiming for,” Atem remarked with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Is there another reason besides asking me to check on Duke that you called me here?”

“Ah, yes,” Pegasus said as he poured out more blood for himself from a decanter. Atem suspected that it was mixed with a fine red wine, based on the scent alone. “Rabiah called me today. She wanted me to tell you that she wants you to come home as soon as possible. Akhenamkhanen seems to be annoyed that you haven’t visited in a while.”

“Tell Mother that I am deeply sorry for the delay in visits,” Atem said, measuring his words carefully. “However, I simply cannot go back home as long as my father remains angry over the death of Akhandin.”

“Ah, I knew I was missing part of the message,” Pegasus said as Atem took a swing from his glass. “Akhenamkhanen isn’t angry anymore over you killing his brother,” he said as he made a dismissive wave of his hand. “All water under the bridge, Atem-boy. Rabiah seems to have finally gotten through to him about how Akhandin maybe wasn’t the best influence to have kept around.”

For a minute, Atem said nothing. If this was true, this meant his self imposed exile could be over. He could return home as if nothing had happened. It was a tempting offer. And yet… “Right,” Atem said as he downed the last of the blood Pegasus had offered. “In that case, I’ll arrange travel plans within the next year. Tell Mother that I’ll head home as soon as I can.”

From the journal of Kazuko Kubota: November 21, 1922, Paris The elusive Yugi has come back to the shop…

As much as Kazuko would like to leave the shop, Sumiko had decided that they were staying here. Kazuko had suggested a proper hotel with the suggestion that perhaps Ryo and Duke would like their shop back. Ryo, the sweet little witch, had insisted it was no trouble that the sisters stay as long as they wanted. This left Kazuko with no option but to politely thank Ryo for the offer.

Some days Kazuko considered simply grabbing Sumiko and dragging her out of the shop. Yet for as much as she didn’t care what Duke thought about her, she didn’t want Ryo to be upset. Ryo seemed rather happy about housing two complete strangers. They had constantly made three large meals for everyone every day and Kazuko had been touched when Ryo insisted on making traditional Japanese food for their guests. Over lunch today, Ryo had informed Kazuko that Yugi should be returning from Japan soon. They seemed delighted in stating that hopefully, Yugi will bring spices to really up the food.

Kazuko had no care for any of this and instead, had taken to hiding and sulking. The wooden rafters in the shop were a decent place to hide away from everyone else. Plus it allowed her to get a better view of the kind of people who entered the shop. Ryo seemed to know the name of every single one, treating them all like family.

A blonde woman had caught Kazuko’s attention at one point. She’d overheard some of the conversation with Ryo - apparently the woman was the elusive Yugi’s cousin. She mentioned wanting to buy something for a girlfriend. Kazuko raised a brow at the conversation, making a note to ask Ryo more about this Mai later.

She’d made the choice to get out of the rafters when the shop door opened again. This startled her and she lost her balance, crash landing instead onto someone. “Oh, I am so sorry,” Kazuko groaned as she sat upright, rubbing her head as she assessed the damage. “I didn’t mean to land on you.”

“Do you always attract danger?”

He sounded amused and Kazuko finally got a look at him as he sat up. She’d recognize that strange, tri-colored hair anywhere. “You’re the guy who helped me when I first got here,” Kazuko said, furrowing her brow as she tried to remember his name. “Yugi, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” he said as he got up, dusting himself off with a grin. He held his hand out to her and she took it. Kazuko was surprised to note that despite Yugi’s lithe frame, he was strong. He yanked her to her feet, and reached a hand out before pulling back. “Sorry, may I examine your head? I’m worried you may have hit it pretty hard.”

“I’m fine,” she said automatically, heat rising to her cheeks. She knew it was probably pointless to pretend that she didn’t help around the guy who had saved her life when she’d been bleeding out on the shop floor. However, she couldn’t bring herself to admit she actually needed help. “Sorry I bled out all over your shop.”

“I’m glad to see that you healed up alright,” Yugi said and for the first time, she saw that his eyes were a brilliant shade of violet. An impossible shade that made her instantly think not human . “It’s nice to properly meet you. Did your sister ever make it here okay? She looks so much like you, you know.”

“She’s prettier than me,” Kazuko said with a shrug. “But yes, Miko made it here safely. She seems to adore living here and decided this is our new home. Sorry about that.”

“The more, the merrier,” Yugi said as he reached down to pick up his bags and threw them back over his shoulder. “I guess I’ll see you around if you’re staying here for longer. I do have to ask: did you tell Duke your real name?”

Kazuko froze and nodded, figuring there was no point in lying. “Did he tell you my name already?”

Yugi grinned. “Of course he did,” Yugi said, nodding at her before starting to walk off. “I’ll see you later, Kazuko Kubota.”

From the journal of Prince Atem, domain of vampires: early winter, 1920s, Paris Yes, I’m bleeding. Yes, I’m fine. Stop reading this, Bakura.

The house was unsuspecting. If someone had told Keket a vampire lived here, she wasn’t sure she’d believe them. It looked just like any other house on the street. She could easily see a family of four that was struggling to get by living inside or maybe a couple who bought their first home with the intention of making a life here. She tried to imagine what could have brought the vampire here. Stay alert, she reminded herself. She was weakened and heading in blind.

It’s the only way to regain her pride. Keket wanted her strength back and the only answer lay in this house. She considered just barging in before deciding that the least she could offer him before his death was some level of kindness. Thus she knocked on the door. Keket half hoped he wouldn’t answer. Unfortunately, hope never worked out in her favor and the door swung open to reveal him. Atem stood in front of her, a look of surprise crossing his face that twisted into a smirk. “I see you decided to drop by,” he said, resting a hand on the door frame and leaning against it. “Did you want to come in?”

No. If she stepped across the threshold, she had no choice but to try to end his life or die trying. “Sure.”

He stepped aside and she hesitated. Could she really do this? She assessed the situation and he raised a brow at her. Atem could tell something was wrong now. “You know, most people enter the building when invited in.”

Keket did not respond and instead stepped inside the house. She examined the entryway and noted how unassuming everything was. Once again, she was reminded of humans and their need to fill the home with trinkets. In another life, she’d ask him about the portrait that hung over an ornate wooden table that had golden objects and thick unopened letters. She’d want to know who sent the letters. Perhaps if he wasn’t a vampire, this would end some other way. She steeled herself, preparing for an ambush that never came.

He closed the door and the lock clicked into place. She expected him to hit her, to get the jump on her. “What do angels eat?” He was grinning and only his teeth reminded her that he was supposed to be her enemy. Did he have to make this so difficult? Surely he had to know… “I don’t have much in the way of human food, but I do have eggs.”

She turned to stare at him. For a second, Keket thought it must be a trick to distract her. When nothing came, the realization sunk in. Atem honestly did not think of this as anything more than a social call. There was no intention of getting one up over her. This put her in the advantageous position. She steeled herself, pushing away all of her concerns about how unfair this was as she launched herself at him. Keket expected him to fight back when she pinned his hands above his head, her knee firmly pressed against his chest. Her wings had spread out, using them to hover at least two feet off the ground. Her heart stuttered in its attempt to keep with her movements.

Instead of fighting back, he raised a brow. “If you wanted a rough night, you could have just asked.”

Keket noted that his voice had gone…husky. His voice was already a deep baritone, but there was something in the way he made his statement that made her hesitate again. Instead, she slapped him across the face. The warning mark stung from the direct contact with his face. “Shut up,” she said. She was fully aware that the warning marks were merely inflaming her anger, making it feel amplified and yet… It was impossible to ignore. “Just shut up!”

Atem was now smirking up at her, a strange gleam in his eyes. She expected him to talk back again and instead, he complied. To her great surprise, his hips jutted up to her. Before she knew it, his legs twisted around hers, yanking her to him. They tumbled around, knocking over the table and shattering something made of glass to the ground. His hips pinned her down, arching a brow at her. “Are you going to tell me why you’re doing this?”

She reached for a glass shard and slashed it across his chest. The shock this gave him was enough to give her an advantage and she slipped out from under him and slammed him into yet another wall. It shattered the mirror she’d slammed him into, shards falling to the ground. “I have to,” she said, steeling herself as she held the makeshift knife to his throat. It wouldn’t kill him - they both knew that. It was the wrong material to kill him. And yet she still slashed across, splitting down until she reached his trachea. It’d shut him up, at least. “I.. Forget it.”

She came dangerously to explaining herself to him as he gaped, struggling to intake air. As far as she was aware, vampires did not need oxygen the same way humans did. This should not kill him, but simply subdue him until she could regain the upper hand. Keket reached up to strike him again and this time, his teeth sank into her palm and wrist before she could actually hit him. She hoped that this would mean that her blood would do him in. As far as she was aware, her blood would basically be poison to him and rot him from the inside out. At least then her task would be complete. Despite this, she thought it was a shame.

Instead, he grabbed her wrist and groaned in what almost sounded like pleasure. Suddenly she was flat on her back and his legs were pinning her down. She flushed as she noted his hips were pressed into hers. His eyes had slid closed and he was drinking from her like a man fresh from the desert, quenching his thirst. Keket had seen vampires frenzy before when dangerously close to death. It had been part of the reason she’d been so unsure about helping him when she’d met him in that dark alley. The reminder that she could’ve gotten that mortal killed had she miscalculated how hungry he was.

Her will to fight was shattered now as she watched the damage she did to him be instantly undone. His blood still ran down his shirt despite the healing, which was in tatters. She could see his toned chest and his dark skin’s strong contrast against the white shirt. She supposed if this had to be the end, then at least it would be quick with a reminder of just how pretty the devil could be. “Please,” she said softly, unsure what she was asking for. All she knew is she desired some sort of release. “Please.”

Atem suddenly ceased drinking from her, looking stunned himself. “I,” he started, looking mollified. “I’m sorry. I only meant to subdue you.” He then reached out, his hand gently resting upon her cheek. The worst part is that she was certain he was being honest. “Strange… Touching you used to burn me…”

Keket stared at him. She wondered why she hadn’t been informed that vampires not only could drink the blood of angels, but that it seemed to be better for them than standard mortal blood. She would think that this would be crucial information Dartz would have told her before she rushed into battle with him. “You can drink my blood,” she said. “Did you know this?”

He shook his head. “I just…acted on instinct,” he said, sounding almost rueful. “Why did you try to kill me? Have I done something to offend you?”

“I… I have to go,” she said, shoving him off her and rushing out the door. She didn’t care that there were possibly mortals around when her wings burst out behind her and pushed off the ground. She needed to ask Dartz if he’d known that vampires could drink angel blood.

#ygo fanfic #ygo fanfiction #atem x oc #oc: great royal wife keket #oc: kazuko kubota #fic: fall from grace

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lassieposting · 4 years

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Tell us about Lucifer’s depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and past abuse. I mean I can see the self harm, both the obvious In cutting off his wings and the like as well as the unhealthy self medicating, and the abuse - which honestly comes across as a murky gray area, like some verges on abuse but isn’t quite- but the other things... I need them pointed out to me.

GLADLY, ANON

okay so, to cover my ass: this is just my personal take as someone with trauma & suicidal ideation who self-harms. other people with different trauma and different relationships with self-harm/suicidal ideation might see this whole thing completely differently. This post could be triggering, please pay attention to the triggers in the tags. I am not a professional psychiatrist, and if you are struggling please seek professional help.

i’m gonna break this down into sections bc, surprise surprise, it got rly long

THE ABUSE:

Now, you’re absolutely right that this is kind of a murky grey area, because at this point we really only have one side of the story: Lucifer’s. And obviously, he’s biased.

the family dynamics:

But let’s take a look at the family dynamics we see in-show. We’ve only seen a fraction of Lucifer’s family, but it’s still fairly obvious that the ways they interact with one another are unhealthy and tend towards abusive, especially when aimed at Lucifer.

We have Amenadiel, who:

Is obedient to his Dad on an almost brainwashed level until he falls.

Blames everything - including his own actions/failures (i.e. saying Malcolm killing humans is Lucifer’s fault, even though Amenadiel himself raised Malcolm from Hell) on Lucifer.

Does not know how to respond to affection or praise, even though he clearly appreciates and enjoys them (i.e. when Trixie hugs him and says she thinks he’s good). This is the son who’s in God’s good books. And he still clearly doesn’t receive affection or praise often.

Openly competes with Lucifer for Dad’s attention/love, to the point of rubbing it in his face when he discovers he’s the favourite

Is complicit in Lucifer’s abuse - taking him back to Hell (thereby isolating him), threatening him when he doesn’t want to go, and cutting off any attempt Lucifer makes at reaching out to connect with humanity - for billions of years to try and win his Dad’s approval.

Straight up tries to have Lucifer killed.

Says he’d love to go to war (with Lucifer, and presumably with Hell as a whole).

We have Uriel, who:

Takes it upon himself to enforce what he believes is his Dad’s will; he had no instructions from God when he came to Earth.

Delights in getting the opportunity to beat up Amenadiel, and gloats about it.

Threatens - and harms - the first good thing Lucifer has had in his life in eons as a way of bullying him into doing what Uriel wants.

When Lucifer complies, Uriel decides to kill both Goddess and Chloe, purely out of spite because Lucifer was “being difficult”.

(There is an interesting meta here on Uriel’s potential motivations that I really like, but this is looking purely at his actions.)

And we have Goddess, their mother, easily the most manipulative and emotionally abusive of the lot. She:

Admits to destroying things God cared about - attacking humanity with plagues and floods etc - out of malice and to get his attention.

Happily releases Azrael’s blade into human hands, hoping for widespread human deaths, to get her ex to get back in touch.

Plays Lucifer and Amenadiel off against one another like a pro for her approval.

Only ever touches her children when she’s trying to manipulate them - there’s a good meta on that here. The one exception to this that I personally believe to be a genuine attempt to comfort (both him and herself) is when she hugs Lucifer after he’s just killed Uriel.

Doesn’t actually care about what Lucifer wants - he’s told her outright that Earth is the only place where he feels wanted and respected, and she knows he has a life he enjoys and a woman he’s falling in love with, but she expects him to abandon Earth and go back to the Silver City with her regardless - to the point that she actively tries to dismantle his human life and kill his loved ones to leave him with no ties to Earth.

The picture this paints to me is of two incredibly narcissistic parents who see their children as extensions of themselves rather than as people in their own right. If you compare Lucifer - who’s an asshole, but fundamentally a good man - to his siblings here, you can see that the two who stayed in Heaven have caught fleas from their parents - and part of Amenadiel’s redemption arc is him realising how toxic and damaging his family is, giving himself a damn good flea bath, and doing his best to be a better big brother to Lucifer and a better son to his mom (and, later, a better father to Charlie than his Dad was to him).

angel life cycle

So apparently in canon, angels were created as adults. My personal headcanon is fuck that, baby angels, but we’ll go with the canon explanation for this, because honestly it still lines up with my theory.

Even if you’re “born” with a mature adult body and adult-level speech ability etc, you still won’t have an adult’s wealth of life experience, or maturity, or social skills. You’re still going to have to grow and learn and experience situations to learn how to cope with them.

Now, Tom Ellis has said in the past that he plays Lucifer as essentially having the emotional maturity level of a teenager, which I think is honestly perfect. For an immortal being - or at least a being with a lifespan of many, many billions of years - it’s actually fairly believable that the angels are (depending on the age gap between them) either still in the “adolescent” life stage or emerging into the “young adult” one.

Lucifer says that he’s spent “most of his life” in Hell. If he’s only a young adult now, at ~11 billion years old, that means he’d have been a juvenile (in terms of life experience/emotional development, even if he was “born” with a fully mature adult body) when he was sent to Hell, and the reason he was sent to Hell is because he wanted free will and started “acting out”.

Even if your 12-year-old is the most unpleasant, rebellious little shithead on the planet, you don’t kick him out of the house and spent the next decade sabotaging every attempt he makes to connect with people or improve his life. Because, you know. That’s your kid. You signed up to have him, that’s normal shitty teenager behaviour, and the chances are he’ll improve with age. God and Goddess went scorched earth on Lucifer because he was behaving in a completely normal way for a kid beginning to mature into a grownup.

lasting trauma

Lucifer’s parents’ treatment has left some crazy deep scars.

He uses a neglectful broken home as an analogy for his celestial family. And he does so incredibly smoothly; this is clearly an analogy he’s thought about before. Chances are he’s seen this dynamic on TV and identified very strongly with it.

He talks about his mother abandoning him as his “lowest point”. Not his Fall. Not any of the horrific things he’s seen in Hell. The point where he realised his mom doesn’t love him enough to protect him.

He doesn’t understand what he did wrong. God punished Lucifer harshly for wanting to control his own life, because narcs often see their children’s developing independence as a threat to their own control over their kids’ lives. Obviously He wouldn’t see it like that, but he’s clearly never explained to Lucifer why what he did was “wrong”. This family has a chronic communication problem.

He’s paranoid as fuck. He constantly suspects God of having a hand in the events happening around him, and any time it seems He is involved, Lucifer immediately sees whatever’s happening as an attempted manipulation. It never occurs to him that creating Chloe - someone immune to his powers who can really love him without any kind of supernatural influence - could be an olive branch or an attempt to give him what he actually needs. He doesn’t believe his Dad would ever do something positive to/for him.

He’s so badly traumatized by his childhood that he reacts like this to being called by the name his Dad gave him. And he’s clearly doing well in therapy - he might not know the word for it, but he knows he’s being (unintentionally) gaslit here. He doesn’t handle it well, but he doesn’t put up with it either, refuses to accept being told to see his Dad’s abuse as a sign of love.

He believes he’s unloveable. When Linda gently suggests that maybe Chloe kissed him purely because she likes him, he tells her that’s impossible and reminds her his powers don’t work on Chloe. He doesn’t think there’s any way someone could love him for who he is, unless he’s either giving them something or using his mojo on them. And it’s his family that’s conditioned him to think that way - look at Amenadiel alone, how many times he tells Lucifer he’s evil throughout the show, as casually as if he were telling him that his hair is brown. This is just a fact of the universe in that family: water is wet, leaves are green, Lucifer is irredeemable garbage.

He doesn’t for a second hesitate to believe that his Dad wanted to kill him. Or that he would kill him given the opportunity. He even thinks Chloe is his dad’s attempt to get him killed for a bit.

THE SELF HARM

the wings:

The blatantly obvious one - and the most deliberate - is when he cuts off his wings. Now when Lucifer talks about this, he frames it as him taking back agency over his own life, freeing himself from his Father’s control, and making a statement about his intention to stay on Earth.

But when you look at him, he doesn’t look victorious, or like he’s looking forward to starting a new life. Physical pain aside - and an amateur amputation would be agonizing - he looks almost like he’s grieving, gritting his teeth through something he feels he has no choice but to do.

Someone did a fantastic meta that I thought I’d reblogged at some point that says something like “this isn’t the devil in his moment of triumph against god; this is an abused boy mutilating himself to spite his father”. I wanted to link it, but I haven’t been able to find it again (if anyone finds it, please let me know so I can add a link).

the self-medicating:

I don’t think he realises this is a form of self-harm, and I don’t think he does it to hurt himself deliberately. But he comes to Earth to overindulge in all the things he can’t have in Hell, all the things he’s been cut off from.

Touch and affection, which he gets through sex. Oblivion, which he gets by drinking. Euphoria, which he gets from drugs. Socialisation, which he gets from being surrounded by people at all times and partying it up 24/7.

It doesn’t matter to him that the touch is from a stranger, it doesn’t matter that the affection only lasts one night, it’s something and that’s more than he’s getting in Hell. He buries himself in those things to forget that he has to go back. He can bury himself in the next line or the next shot or the next attractive body and, just for a little bit, he can forget who he is.

Sending Lucifer to Hell in and of itself is cruel. Angels are clearly social creatures, and he’s been in solitary isolation for billions of years - it’s a miracle he hasn’t gone insane. Yes, he has the demons, but they don’t interact with him by choice and he’s not safe with them. Hell denies Lucifer everything a young person needs to grow into a stable, healthy adult.

the self-sabotage:

We also see that he’s got a tendency to sabotage himself when he’s on a downward spiral. This usually comes out one of two ways - either:

He tries to chase away the people who care about him. This comes from being so terrified of being abandoned and rejected again that he’d rather run them off himself than wait for them to inevitably (in his mind) decide that he’s Not Worth It and leave him. For example:

He tries to push Linda away when he’s grieving after killing Uriel.

He punches Dan in the face and gets himself thrown off the case by Chloe - she’s already warned him she would bench him if he didn’t pull himself together.

He throws Chloe’s initial rejection in her face when he’s on his self-hatred bender in S4.

He’s absolutely vicious to Amenadiel in this scene, when Amenadiel is trying to communicate that he loves Luci and wants to support him.

Or he talks shit about himself. You can always tell when he’s having a bad time; he’ll start coming out with shit like, “I’m the devil, remember, I’m evil.” His real view of himself will slip out from under the mask of confidence and vanity. Chloe cuts right to the heart of this in S4; he’s been told so many times that he’s responsible for all evil that he now believes it. He blames himself, even as he vehemently denies having ever made anyone do anything.

THE SUICIDAL IDEATION:

Jesus fuck, it’s a good thing Lucifer is in therapy.

The first time we see him actively attempt suicide is in 1x13 when he’s being framed for shooting the street preacher. It’s a case of “the straw that broke the camel’s back” here - he’s been having a really rough time lately:

Groups of zealots are cornering him in the street accusing him of murders he didn’t commit

Being accused of things he didn’t do is already a trigger for him

His own brother tried to have him assassinated.

His bodyguard and oldest friend betrayed him.

He’s just found out the detective makes him vulnerable.

He knows Dan - and therefore probably other work colleagues as well - think he’s got something to do with the satanic murders.

And now Chloe is turning her gun - and apparently her back - on him. She’s no different from anyone else. He was stupid to ever trust her, etc, etc, and now he’s spiralling.

She was the last rock keeping his head above the ocean at this point, and when she goes to arrest him, he goes under. We see that mania come out very quickly; he starts laughing hysterically and tries to goad an inexperienced uni into shooting him. He pretends to have a gun, knowing the cop will fear for his life and instinctively shoot. Since Chloe’s right there at the time, and he now knows he can be hurt around her, that’s attempted suicide. He wants to die. He even admits to Amenadiel he was trying to achieve “a good death…or at least a nice and messy one.”

No one ever addresses this bloody hell why

And then there’s the case with the shooter in the hospital. Lucifer’s grieving Uriel at this point, and he’s up to his eyeballs in self-loathing. He killed his brother. He really is the monster everyone believes he is. He’s spent the entire episode up to this point trying to make people punish him. He’s riled up Chloe at a crime scene and she’s told him off. He’s punched Dan, and Dan didn’t retaliate. He turned down Linda’s offer of continued therapy in a way that’s almost a challenge; he wants her to snap back at him. And when none of these little punishments are enough for him, he escalates and escalates and eventually he steps in front of the sniper’s intended victim and, again, goads him to shoot. He goes a bit further this time, though; he outright begs the sniper to shoot him, and reams the guy out when he says he didn’t think Lucifer deserved it.

Again, he knows Chloe is there. This is a suicide attempt. He even admits to Chloe that he didn’t care about the intended victim, he was just trying to get himself killed. She doesn’t believe him. And it’s never addressed again, and I’m salty.

Anyway I hope this clarifies some stuff for you anon? and I’m sorry it took so long to finish I rewrote this so many times for Maximum Sensitivity and kept including stuff and taking stuff out and it got SO LONG and i had to condense it and i have A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OKAY I HAD A LOT TO SAY

#lucifer on netflix #lucifer on fox #netflix lucifer #lucifer morningstar #tw suicidal ideation #tw self harm #tw child abuse #tw narc parents #tw attempted suicide #a+ celestial parenting #celestial family #lucifer meta #i dont think ive covered everything but fuck it im posting anyway bc if i rewrite this again im gonna scream

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iskierka · 5 years

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Body Image and Aziraphale, or, Violently Projecting My Issues Onto This Character The Way God Intended

In honor of my new URL, I wanted to get down some of my feelings around body image since I’ve been doing a lot of projecting onto Aziraphale recently. I want to talk about both why Aziraphale is one of my favorite (and one of the more positive examples of) fat characters, and why I still relate to him through the lens of my own issues.

First off, there are a few trigger warnings that could apply here, but mainly if you’ve struggled with an eating disorder or disordered eating or body image in general, even though this isn’t a graphic discussion or anything, this may not necessarily be something you want to read.

Having dealt with different eating disorders for ten or eleven years now, and body image issues for longer than that, fat characters are really important to me—but only when they’re treated well (by the production, not as necessarily the other characters). There’s obviously a big difference between how Aziraphale is portrayed and how, say, a character like Thor was portrayed in Endgame. Aziraphale is fat, but it isn’t in and of itself A Personality Trait. However, I don’t think it’s a purely physical trait either. In fact, him being fat reflects the good (if not Angelic Good) aspects of his character. Aziraphale enjoys the comforts and pleasures of earth, and his body is just a reflection of that. I see it as a reflection of his love for the world. And look: when Gabriel says “lose the gut” the implication is for Aziraphale to miracle himself into shape, right? What’s made clear here is that Aziraphale can change the way he looks at any time. I think this is to be expected, but it’s important in this context because it means Aziraphale likes that he’s soft. When he comes back with “I’m soft,” it’s a reflection of how he sees himself in a permanent sort of way. Physical softness is not an immutable trait for him, but of course Aziraphale is not talking only about his physical form. His whole being is soft. (Certainly, there are other aspects to his personality; Aziraphale is just enough of a bastard to be worth liking. But compared to the rest of the Host that we see: other angels are rigid in a way that he just isn’t.) Basically, what I see is this: one, part of what makes Aziraphale likable (his love for the world) goes hand in hand with his being fat, and two, Aziraphale has made a conscious choice to be fat.

So then, something else about me: I’ve always felt alienated from body positivity and fat activism. It doesn’t matter whether I’m a size 6 or 22, as someone who has spent—spends—quite a lot of their time genuinely hating their body, those spaces have always felt unwelcoming. My experiences with eating disorders have felt often unwelcome in the context of fat activism. (“Deal with your shit on your own time.”) I’m not able to muster enough Positivity to be a proper activist. So, it may seem odd that a character like this, one so at home and satisfied with being fat, has struck me so emotionally. There are a few reasons here that I see that make Aziraphale comforting rather than needling at these same insecurities. I believe that’s because how little attention the show pays to him being fat. It’s not something that’s really negative or positive in its portrayal. Sure, Gabriel makes that “lose the gut” comment, but it’s not something the audience is meant to side with him on. He’s the villain here, and it’s also meant to be a bit silly or absurd—maybe you could put it in with his disturbance at Aziraphale eating sushi, which shows how much closer to “being” human Aziraphale is than the other angels. And on the other hand, while I have kind of argued here that his fatness is put in a positive light, but I don’t think that’s an overt thing. (For most people watching casually, Aziraphale’s weight is irrelevant and nothing but a one-off joke.) And it isn’t only treated that way by the powers that be, Aziraphale himself, in calling himself soft, says that is integral to him in an absolutely natural way—it’s just part of who he is.

But here’s the thing: I’ve near read my way through the body image and eating disorder tags for Good Omens on AO3. One fic in particular where Aziraphale begins to develop an eating disorder, I’ve already read through four times.* Honestly, it is that normality of his fatness, the permanence of it and role in his own self-image, that make this whole genre (I suppose?) of fics hit so hard for me. For a lot of people including myself, EDs are a form of self-harm. So what makes stories where a character like Aziraphale struggles with issues like these so rending is that it would be a representation of a deeper unhappiness with the fundamental parts of who he is.

And maybe to a lot of people, it seems just a little bit this side of absurd still that he ever would.** But people with EDs often share certain personality traits. A few I recognize in Aziraphale’s character: a tendency towards (personal) harm avoidance, worry, and lack of emotional openness. I think there a few examples of each of these. First harm avoidance—besides just his general desire to avoid ending the world (this is much, much more tied to his love for it anyway), I think his reticence in his relationship with Crowley (“you go too fast for me”) shows this best. Their relationship is also likely the best example of his emotional barriers. (Sure, he isn’t cold like other angels, but nor is he open, and Aziraphale seems to desire that warmth and closeness from connection in a way that the rest of the Host do not.) There are many points where his tendency to over-worry comes across: thinking Crowley is asking for a suicide pill, after five centuries still worrying Heaven will care about the Arrangement—these come up over and over. Maybe it isn’t so unreasonable to think that some version of Aziraphale could fall into an ED. Look at it this way: you lose your only real anchor on earth, your trust in the goodness and rightness of Heaven is broken down, so you try some way to feel in control again, no matter how irrational. Another part of Aziraphale that I think speaks to this tendency to fall into this as a coping mechanism is his position as a protector, a guardian. He lives a role that is about serving and providing for others. When you have an identity constructed around providing comfort, security, and faith to others, it can feel very natural to turn to inwardly or personally destructive habits like EDs instead of reaching out or opening up to others. If you lose some fundamental outward belief, it often feels insurmountable to also reassess your perception of yourself (“lose faith in yourself”) and seek out support.***

I think part of the reason that Aziraphale is comfortable for me to project on here is that his body is established as something neutral-to-positive in canon, while being fat is something negative societally. His character doesn’t bring baggage, and so I think those of use who are fat or have struggled with body image see ourselves in him. For some people that means seeing a character able to be beyond societal pressures on the body, for others it means seeing a powerful character still able to fall into the same things we do and not be bad or weak because of it.

I’m stopping here for now and I know this is all pretty jumbled, but I’ve just been feeling like I need to get this down. It’s been nice to see some positivity about Aziraphale being fat, but sometimes it can be hard to see only positivity because I can’t relate to that. I’m really happy to be in a fandom again where there are characters who aren’t fit/skinny & I love reading all y’all’s fic and seeing fanart—it’s meant a lot. Also: if you too have fat Aziraphale feelings, pls pls come talk to me!!!

* link to that fic

** I know there are reasons why this seems weird re: story mechanics, but I don’t think it’s that hard to understand this plausibly within canon. I’ve got lots of ideas anyway :^)

*** I’m trying not to stray into headcanon territory here but I think it is important that any fic that deals with EDs doesn’t fall into a gets together with/receives affirmation from skinny partner and ED suddenly disappears trope. The reality is that EDs usually stick around after whatever crisis that might’ve triggered their development has passed.

#i know this is messy & it's not really even analysis it's just a jumble of stuff but! just needed 2 get it out there u feel.#ok but also that last paragraph i was thinking about being in les mis fandom and grantaire &#he's a character i strongly hc to have an ed but its not.... healing? in the same way it is with aziraphale #anyway there are about 20 addendums i might could add #like not all eds are about body image and some lead to weight gain not loss #i've experienced both of the latter like. im just thinking more about restrictive eds here #but idk don't wanna go through and explain the reasoning behind all my ~~assumptions here #y'all're like welcome to send asks abt eds i just don't wanna have to write an essay in tags #good omens #aziraphale #i write #my fat aziraphale feelings tag #ed tw #eating disorder tw #body image tw #fatshaming tw #? not really sure what else to add but please please let me know i really don't want to trigger anyone #katie speaks

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bartsugsy · 7 years

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I know it's a slightly contentious point but given all this talk about Robert needing redemption - do you think Aaron has redeemed himself now? I know that the narrative doesn't really suggest he needs to, but he's got a pretty violent temper and has no difficulty throwing wrenches and beating the crap out of Robert because he's angry. I'd quite like them to acknowledge that and apologise, but it's unlikely as the show doesn't really recognise male on male violence as problematic.

hello this is an essay i’m sure we’re all shocked

ok like...

i need to disect this ask a little because i think the fundamental point it’s missing is how aaron’s violent tendencies has been used in the context of rob and aaron’s relationship vs how robert’s horrible decision making tendencies have been

so like... aaron throwing that wrench at robert’s head was the most horrifying thing i’ve seen all year and genuinely terrible but it was also used specifically to show just how much their relationship has disintegrated. like. that was the thing that made aaron get out - understanding that his mh had gotten to a place where he ended up violently attacking his husband and that their relationship had gotten so toxicly bad that it was going to end up literally killing one or both of them

it was the big sign that they were over, tbh

his violence towards isn’t used as a consistent problem in their relationship and if it was that would be a very serious problem. but, the whole point of that moment was that their relationship had become untenable and that the only thing they could do was break up

what i’m saying is i don’t think they necessarily need to redeem aaron for that moment, certainly not in the same way as they’re redeeming rob, because this isn’t a part of their relationship. it was a sign that their relationship had become something very different. it was a story tool to show how low aaron’s mh had sunk and what this relationship was doing to him - and the big pre-emptive reason why since then he’s tried (and failed) to stay away from robert as much as possible, why he absolutely refuses to go back there, why he literally said to liv that he’d spoken with his therapist and understood that that relationship was what he wanted, but absolutely not what he needed

the conversation aaron and rob have after aaron attacks rob says a similar sentiment - that aaron doesn’t deserve to feel the way he feels and that rob doesn’t deserve to deal with aaron having violent outbursts, which is what had just happened.

after everything - buying drugs, the self harming again, the coldness towards robert, it took almost literally killing robert, an actual act of classic aaron dingle-violence directed towards someone he would never fucking direct it towards under any other circumstances, for aaron to call it a day.

basically - this ask sort of implies (unintentionally?) that aaron would genuinely physically abuse robert in any other situation other than this very very specific and fraught one and that he wouldn’t immediately break up with robert and distance himself from the entire relationship afterwards, which i don’t believe is true. and if it is true then that’s a whole other fuckin Issue.

like. he’s not consistently throwing wrenches at robert, or beating him up on a regular basis. that’s not what this is and you... sort of make it sound like it is.... and there’s a big difference

but it’s not who aaron is and that’s not what their relationship is.

again - it was horrifying, but it’s not a running theme in their relationship (it’s also ur standard highly overdramatic soap storytelling)

(and i shouldn’t need to mention this but tumblr constantly makes me feel like i have to - obviously we’re working under soap morality here and not real world morality. irl aaron would have left robert the second he fuckin admitted to pushing a girl to her death. like. jesus. but it’s a soap.)

anywayyyy, contrast this with why robert is getting a whole ultimate redemption storyline - for every life he’s ruined, every bad decision he’s made. i think... on multiple occasions, aaron’s mh has deteriorated to the point where he’s, on multiple occassions, done impulsively terrible things in reaction to robert and has himself called out that that can’t continue, literally went to prison because of one of those times - and on a less extreme level, they’ve had the rockiest relationship in the world. like. there’s a reason why i started writing the break up guide - because they break up or almost break up a lot. a lot.

narratively that has almost always been attributed to robert’s actions and even when it’s been more directly out of something aaron has done, typically you can still trace that back to aaron working off the assumption that rob will do something terrible, because of his past decisions. rob is who he is - he has cheated on everyone, he has threatened people, attacked people, tried to kill people, done dodgy shit - he’s... well, you know, he plays the role of a typical long term soap villain.

narratively speaking

- and again, i feel like definitely need to be clear that i’m talking about what they’re trying to do and have done narratively, as part of the story, not what i myself think about these characters or whatever - this isn’t about me thinking that robert is the worst person in the entire fucking world and aaron is a blameless angel who has never done a thing wrong and i’m certainly not implying that robert and aaron’s relationship is inherently terrible and damaging to aaron

what i’m saying is that robert makes decisions without thought to the consequences and that makes him a fun character to put in different situations and also a compelling romanctic hero when we see that the one person who he does try to consider, who he does genuinely care about, who he does not want to hurt, is the person he’s in love with.

yes, the unintended consequences of robert’s decisions pushed aaron into a place where his mental health had entirely deteriorated and ultimately destroyed their entire relationship. this wasn’t ever ever what robert had intended and as a result of understanding how his decisions had caused aaron pain - the one thing he never wanted to do - he’s basically propelled himself towards a fucking breakdown.

he didn’t have a breakdown after literally killing someone. hurting aaron, though? remember how, during the reveal, robert says that aaron couldn’t hate him any more than he hates himself? this is literally all just.. a result of this.

but it’s led to robert making even more bad decisions. there’s never been a point where robert has sat down and honestly taken a look at why things have turned out this way

- just as aaron needed to almost fuckin full on murder robert to get the wake up call and also strength to completely break up with robert (and we know that usually they’re horrible at staying away from one another, so narratively speaking it did have to be that damn dramatic to make aaron’s attitude since believable), rob needs something that will be a wake up call to him to get him to change enough

because if he doesn’t change? he’s dooming himself to be god damn miserable for the rest of his life and worse than that, he’s going to destroy a lot of people in the process

he needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to be able to take a look at how his decisions affect other people, aaron and everyone else around him. the incident alone, aaron falling apart, the break up - that wasn’t enough for robert to understand, because all robert is really able to understand or face at the moment is that he’s in a shit load of pain and doesn’t want to think about it

so instead he’s acting out (like a child) and avoiding everything completely and instead dedicating himself to his og goal of taking home farm (conveniently narratively tying in his 2015 actions to his current decisions)

basically, robert needs to redeem himself for everything and change because:

the show has made it clear that actually aaron and robert won’t work while robert is still acting as recklessly as he does with other people’s feelings and well-being - no more kissing random exes in the name of revenge or getting more money, no more acting out and knocking up said ex, no more scheming for money - he’s come a long way, the reveal shows that much, but it’s not enough that he’s gotten better at saying sorry to aaron, they need to move him a little more away from “soap villain” and towards “romantic hero” in order to accomplish what they want and get the robron relationship to where they want it to be

(and sure they could have written that robert was magically wonderful after being shot but that would be so much less compelling and so much worse storytelling)

plus robert has done enough bad since he came back that he’s the perfect candidate for this type of big, overarching storyline - and they wanted to get rid of the whites, which had to involve robert heavily, it had to, it would have been insane and a complete cop out for it not to

i’m not suggesting they need to nueter robert completely and make him a good and pure little nugget of humanity, but i think it makes sense that they want to really push robert to the brink and bring him back completely as a way that they can realistically (so to speak) have him spend a good period not fucking up too much (we assume, who knows lmao) and also a good way for aaron and robert to get back together in a way where their past issues don’t come up to destroy them all over again

they both need to go into this with a different understanding of one another and better communication skills in general but... like... one massive problem at a time lmao

and this isn’t something they need to do for aaron - aaron who consistently owns up to his mistakes and tries to be better and has spent his break up trying to channel his pain and heartbreak into healthy ways of coping

robert still needs his wake up call

plus, it’s a compelling redemption story (and hopefully continues that way) which, unlike who shot robert, is actually about him

#answering anons #emmerdale meta #ed #robron #ed spoilers

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incombuz · 4 years

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How To Spot Signs Of Anxiety In Your Child

When I asked Professor Cathy Creswell, a Clinical Advisor to Anxiety UK if it surprised her parents were being taught the way to recognise symptoms of hysteria in children under 10 (covering eating disorders, panic attacks and compulsive disorders), she answered “no.”

She went on to say: “In fact, this is often a very good thing.

Anxiety and stress disorders are the foremost common sort of emotional difficulty experienced across a lifespan, and that we know that they need a very early onset with half all people that have serious difficulties with anxiety first having those problems by the age of 11.

anxiety in children Despite this, we've found in recent studies that a really small proportion of youngsters who have problems with anxiety and their families receive any support, which may be a terrible shame.”

But are there signs that as a society we are putting an excessive amount of pressure on our youngsters – parents and faculty included?

“This may be a tricky question as although the perception is usually anxiety in children is becoming more common, we don’t have the info within the UK to properly test this.

In 2018, a national survey of psychological state in children and children was repeated for the primary time since 2004, so soon we'll be during a better position to ascertain if anxiety in children is on the rise and if so why.

However we must remember we are becoming far better at spotting an anxious child, which is additionally an honest thing.

We work with many parents and carers who tell us that they or other relations were anxious children within the past and it had been never recognised or acted upon.”

But with the endless amount of clubs and after-school activities, plus the pressure of SATS tests bubbling away on the classroom sidelines, surely it's important that youngsters are just allowed to ‘play?’

Professor Creswell says “It certainly fits with our understanding of hysteria to assume if children are in environments that instil a fear of failure then we'll see increases in difficulties particularly among those children susceptible to anxiety.“

What are the signs of hysteria in children? Everyone experiences fear, worry or anxiety sometimes, but consistent with Professor Creswell, this is often not necessarily anything to stress about. It can in some circumstances be helpful.

But it becomes a drag when it's out of proportion to what's happening and interferes with lifestyle.

Children with separation anxiety are typically concerned that something will happen to themselves or one or more of their parents/carers if they're not together. separation anxiety in children This can show itself through clinginess and difficulty separating to travel to high school or to a friend’s house. the kid may become tearful or have a tantrum.

Children with social mental disorder are normally worried about being evaluated during a negative way by others. they'll worry that folks think they're stupid or might do something others will tease. It can show itself through fears in speaking, eating or participating in activities when certain people are present.

In children, stress is usually communicated physically – psychosomatic reactions, including stomach problems, headaches, fatigue, sleep disorders, and problems with getting to the rest room, could also be signals that something is wrong.

Sudden changes in behaviour also can be a sign.

The book Giving Sorrow Words notes: “When an honest student starts getting Fs, that deserves attention, and therefore the same is true when a toddler who was previously a troublemaker turns into an angel.”

“Children who click saying ‘Nobody likes me’ really are telling you that they don’t like themselves,” says Dr Loraine Stern. an equivalent could be true when a toddler suddenly starts bragging or exaggerating accomplishments.

Though seemingly expressing the other of low self-esteem, boasting about real or imagined accomplishments could also be an attempt to beat deep feelings of inadequacy.

Of course, all kids get sick, occasionally misbehave and knowledge periodic disappointment with themselves, but once you start to note a pattern and no immediate cause is clear, you ought to weigh the meaning of the signals.

So what are Professor Creswell’s tips for helping a toddler with anxiety? A lot of oldsters worry that by chatting with their child about anxiety they'll make it worse. The important thing is to think not about ‘whether’ you mention it but ‘how’ you mention it.

When you are talking about fears, be curious. attempt to understand them. What do they think will happen and why?

Some children might not be ready to say exactly what they're worried about beyond that they feel scared and obtain upset.

communication is vital when parenting But that’s ok. you'll work thereupon. Acknowledge your child’s thoughts and feelings and show you appreciate how hard it must be.

To overcome their fears they're going to got to put them to the test. What can they/you do to seek out out if what they fear will really happen?

For example if s/he is worried they're going to be taken if you're not there, could they struggle to be aside from you during a different a part of the house for a brief period of time?

Enlist others around you to assist. If the difficulties are at college, speak to staff to form sure there's a teaching assistant or other adult who can get your child busy and involved in an enticing and important job on arrival.

Plan realistic rewards to assist motivate your child.

Make sure your child knows how proud and impressed you're that they need put their fears to the test.

Researchers at Loyola University of Chicago, USA, studied 400 children age 9 to 13 years old, from wide-ranging backgrounds and checked out how they coped with stress.

Among the five hundred who routinely handled difficult situations well, the researchers found three common characteristics, consistent with American Health magazine:

they were willing to invite help, share their concerns, and seek emotional support from an adult—often, but not always, a parent

they attended take responsibility for his or her own behaviour and sought to influence their peers to avoid harm

they sought out quiet time or recreation to alleviate stress.

Conversely, the researchers found three tendencies that reduced children’s resiliency:

resorting to aggression

self-destructive behaviour like substance abuse

avoiding problems instead of handling them

Some temporary relief may come from helping children to relax, going for a walk, changing routine or environment, or taking note of soothing music.

Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Set regular times to travel to bed and to urge up, a minimum of on school days and workdays.

Allow them enough time to unwind before bed. Avoid exercise (so no late night trips to the park) within three hours before getting to bed, and avoid heavy snacks and caffeine on the brink of bedtime.

When it’s time to travel to bed, attempt to make the bedroom dark, quiet, and cozy.

Let your child know that the emotions they need are often reduced; anxiety is treatable.

Let them know that speaking about how they feel reduce feelings of hysteria and stress. it's going to also help them to understand that they're not alone in how they're feeling.

Sociologist Ronald L. Pitzer says: “All too often, efforts by children and teenagers to speak intense feelings are minimised, denied, rationalised, or ignored by parents.”

Reassure your child that you simply understand, that you simply will never laugh or dismiss their feelings; are you able to give them an example of once you felt similarly?

Avoid language like:

“Stop your crying”

“You shouldn’t feel that way.”

“It isn’t really that bad.”

Could you instead say: “I see that something has made you sad.” “You look really upset.” “I know you want to be disappointed.”

The book ‘How to speak so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk’ makes a legitimate observation during this regard: “The more you are trying to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them.

The more comfortably you'll accept the bad feelings, the better it's for teenagers to abandoning of them. i assume you'll say that if you would like to possess a cheerful family, you’d better be prepared to allow the expression of tons of unhappiness.”

If they find it hard to speak, could they write a letter about their feelings instead? Or if they’re still young, draw pictures for instance how they feel?

What example does one as parent set when it involves stress and anxiety?

Do you attempt to reduce stress by resorting to violence? Punching the wall? Grabbing a glass (or 3) of wine?

Then don't be surprised when your child acts out his anxiety during a similar way.

Do you suffer in silence when deeply disturbed? If so, how are you able to demand that your child be open and trusting?

Are stressful feelings so hidden in your household that they're denied instead of acknowledged and worked out?

Then don't be startled by the physical and emotional toll it's going to combat your child, for any plan to bury anxiety will normally only increase the severity of its expression.

A 2019 UK study found that as many as 66% of mums and dads claim their child regularly feels anxious about lessons, homework – and social aspects like bullying and friendships.

Almost 30% of the oldsters who took part within the study said learning the way to manage their child’s anxiety is now more important to them than their academic success, with 63% saying it as even as important.

To combat school stress, 56% of oldsters now practice mindfulness with their child reception, to undertake and ease their mind about the daily stresses and strains.

Mindfulness is understood to market good mental wellbeing and help children deal with difficulties whilst also encouraging them to raised manage the tutorial demands placed on them.

mindfullness exercises can help children with anxiety British author and mental campaigner Jonny Benjamin, whose own psychological state issues started at the age of 10, said:

“It’s so important for young children to recognise feelings of hysteria, be ready to speak openly about how they're feeling, and find out how to handle them.

“Learning about one’s mind and emotional regulation are invaluable skills that can’t be taught early enough..

“Mindfulness has been life-changing on behalf of me and I’d encourage as many grade school children as possible to require part. i do know of numerous people, both young and old, who really enjoy mindful breathing and relaxation techniques.

It may be that trying to scale back their anxiety by undertaking certain activities on your own initiative might not be enough to assist your child with their anxiety and you'll got to access professional help.

Speak to your child’s school or Dr to debate having access to local counselling services.

If your child cares or actually attempts suicide, “Seek immediate professional help,” urges the book Depression — What Families Should Know.

“Treating potential suicides isn't employment for amateurs, even those that care about the depressed person an excellent deal.

You may think you’ve talked your loved one out of suicide when all he or she is doing is clamming up and keeping all the emotions inside until they explode with horrifying results.”

If you're worried about yourself or someone you recognize, please contact the below organisations:

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ulrike23312637-blog · 6 years

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