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#tw attempted suicide
strawberryspence · 10 months
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disclaimer: this is the most personal work i have yet. please be kind. trigger warnings: alcoholism, attempted suicide, and implied child abuse. please heed the warnings.
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Eddie flips the coin in his hand.
As a child, Eddie used to drink orange juice from the carton. He likes the pulp, the tanginess, the comfort.
When he gets sick, his mother buys it for him, and like magic, it heals him. It could be the flu or the cold, but with orange juice, it heals everything.
(It's not. It's his mother and her healing magic. Her soft hands holding him through the night, her gentle humming as he sleep in discomfort, her love in the chicken soup.)
Eddie hates alcohol. He hates the burn on his lungs. The way it slides down, all grimy and hot. He hates the bitter taste in his mouth, something you can't wash even with brandname mouthwash.
Eddie hates the smell. The strong smell that stays on you for days, it sticks on your clothes, on your beddings, on your couch.
Eddie hates it. Hates it when he hears the click of a can opening, reminds him of his father coming home. Hates it when he smells it, reminds him of his father's harsh words and harsher actions.
Eddie hates the comfort he finds in it.
(He doesn't, really. Because deep down, he thinks it's the only escape. It's what he was born into. It's what he deserves.)
(It's not.)
There's broken bottles littering his room. He hides it good enough, he thinks. He thinks he does, until Wayne comes crashing into his room, the third bottle of whisky in his hand. Wayne breaks it against his wall and Eddie cries. It was so expensive.
He promises he'll get better.
He does. He does for a while.
Steve helps. Robin helps. The kids help.
And then—
Well.
It breaks.
It breaks the same way Dick Harrington's wine closet breaks, and Eddie feels dirty and useless as he uses his boyfriend's baseball bat— the same one that has saved their lives time and time again— to get him alcohol.
He doesn't really care. One sip and it'll all be gone.
(He cares.)
Eddie's not sure what pushes him back, if it's the writings on the walls, littered all over town or the heaviness of the truth. The truth that he was nothing but a burden. That he should've died that night in Dustin's arms and into nothingness.
Steve finds him like that, and Eddie hates himself for doing it to him twice. Hates that he made Steve go through it twice. Hates that Steve used the same rhythm twice to give him chest compressions. Hates that Steve has cried over almost losing him twice.
Eddie wakes up in the hospital and he's nothing but bones and meat.
Steve forgives him. But his eyes are sunken and his lips are bleeding.
Dustin doesn't visit him. At least he doesn't get to see Eddie like this.
(It doesn't give him any comfort.)
Steve and Wayne talk to him.
Eddie goes to some kind of facility.
It's not working. It's some kind of fucking bullshit.
(It doesn't work that way. Healing is like building blocks. One block at a time.)
Eddie gets out six months later.
He doesn't go back to Hawkins.
The whole Party picks him up.
(It's okay. It's not home. It was never home. It has always been the people.)
"Hey, you going to bed?" Eddie looks up at the voice. Some sitcom is playing in the background. The only light in the room is the light the TV emits.
Eddie yawns, "Yeah, I'll be right behind you, sweetheart."
Steve smiles at him, and it's like being showered with sunlight in the dark. He moves forward to kiss the crown of Eddie's head and it makes him feel like royalty, "Alright. I'll see you there, love."
Without Steve in the room, it's dark. It's only him and himself. Eddie shuts the TV off, walking slowly to the kitchen.
The coin digs into his palm, the familiar inscription sharp and throbbing. A constant daily reminder.
Eddie opens the fridge.
There's orange juice.
There's always orange juice on the fridge.
He takes the orange juice, drinking it out of the carton. Letting the magical juice heal him once again.
(It doesn't work that way.)
He closes the fridge, and a polaroid taped on the fridge catches his eyes.
It was taken on Eddie's 23rd birthday. Everybody was smiling around him, all toothy smiles and laughs as he blows the cake.
(There's orange juice. There's always orange juice in the other room and in Hawkins and in Boston and in Chicago and in California and in Indianapolis.)
(Maybe it doesn't work that way, but having orange juice does help.)
Eddie flips the coin and slaps it on the back of his hand.
(1 year.)
(One day at a time. Like building blocks.)
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rachelcommitscrimes · 1 month
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ok might be a little less active for a bit i kinda sorta attempted via belt 💀 (i’m not hurt dw) i’m just getting back into really bad habits and school is kicking me in the ass
still working on my fangan though, the grind never stops
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xceanlynx · 7 months
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I don't think Ray has ever really loved Mew romantically. Not ever.
The thing is, when you are deprived of love your entire life, it's very hard to differentiate between platonic love, romantic love and gratitude.
Ray was at his lowest. We still don't have enough information to understand exactly how his familial relationships shaped him as the person he is, but from what it was implied, he never really felt like he belonged to anywhere, to anyone. His understanding of love is already distorted - the person that society says is supposed to love him the most, his mom, didn't love him, or she did in a toxic, abusive way. The only person close enough to him to form a similar bond (the bond of healthy dependency) with was Mew.
Ray never had love before Mew. Not from his family, not from other friends, not from himself. How could he differentiate between all of these kinds of love? No one would be able to.
Mew saved Ray, who already saw him as his bestest friend, the one he could count on. Saving him from his attempt just solidified it in his mind - Mew is the one who could save him. Mew is the only one that showed him love, true love. But Ray doesn't understand that there are different kinds of love. A friend's love can be just as strong as a lover's love for someone, but they are still different kinds of love.
To Ray, if he lets Mew go, he will be letting go the only form of love he has ever known. He sees Top as competition because he doesn't understand that love can have different facets (also Boston is feeding his ill brain with shit but that's just a small part of it all). He is afraid of being in that position again, of being lonely again, when no one - not even himself - loved him. He is afraid that, when a newcomer arrives in the friend group, a player, someone that "obviously" do not love Mew the same way as Ray does, and Mew actually likes the player back, he will be set aside. Because Mew likes someone romantically, and romantic love is more valued anyway, so no matter how many times Mew says he loves Ray, it will not be enough. I could write an entire book about this specific topic through an aroace lens, but this is not the point of this post.
Now we see Ray, after being rejected by Mew (rightfully so - Mew did a very good job setting and enforcing his boundaries), seeing in Sand another person that could love him, that could take care of him when no one else would. There is hope, in his perspective, that another person can and will love him. He even begin to repeat the same patterns he experienced in his life with Sand: asking him to curse him won't bother him because it's what he was used to his entire life. That's normal life to him. That's what people who are supposed to care about him do anyway (Mew being just enough outside of the standard to make Ray obsessed). What Ray still doesn't know is that NO OUTSIDE LOVE can save someone.
What I mean is, the only hope for Ray to live a joyful and fulfilling life, is if he starts loving himself. It does sound cliché, but it's true. No amount of love from other people can save someone. It's not family, friends, lovers, or even God and religion that is going to save someone from themselves. They can and do absolutely help, but at the end of the day the willpower must come from inside. His self loathing, his hatred, his low self esteem caused by whatever trauma he holds will only get better if he works on himself of his on volition. For Ray to understand it, I'm afraid only with psychological and medical help - and this is how other people can help.
I have high hopes for his character development. As someone who went through similar stuff (don't worry, I've been through years of therapy and it had no hard drugs involved), some scenes can be quite triggering, but I still very much enjoy what they are doing with his character, by far the one I can relate the most. Ray is a complicated, flawed character and definitely not the cup of tea for everyone in audience, but I can't help being fascinated. I do hope his development won't fall flat at the end of the series.
(also, Khaotung made me cry again. Thank you for your acting, sir. I know you will destroy me eventually.)
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figmentof · 6 months
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"i had a dream about you"
whether or not Ed actually had a dream about Izzy, he was down there to once again goad someone into killing him. it tracks
Ed dares Izzy to be the man he keeps claiming he is and actually deliver on his initial threat and kill him for real this time-- yet Izzy still couldn't do it
for all Izzy continues to call Ed a coward, he was calling Izzy a coward the entire fucking time without saying it
imo this scene is Ed's strategist mind at work. he knew Izzy wouldn't pull the trigger on him, but he knew putting a gun in Izzy's hand would make him turn it on himself
he doesn't kill people remember, Izzy always does the dirty work for him
so he can take his own life for him, then. one last mess Izzy says he wouldn't clean
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little-cereal-draws · 9 months
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It’s so messed up that the whole time nimona was literally on her way to kill herself, the institute was trying to kill her anyway. Like she had already decided she needed to die but that wasn’t fast enough for them
It’s almost like conservatives passing all these anti trans laws even tho the trans community has an attempted suicide rate of over 80%. The faster they ban healthcare, don’t let them have hobbies, remove them from their families, etc, the faster they’d hurry up and die. The fact that it was probably going to happen anyway with the way our country is wasn't enough, they needed to speed up the process
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[TW for attempted suicide]
Officially on a two-week sick leave from work my doctor insisted on.
The reason is not only my precarious physical health, but the amount of stress I apparently need to process and sort out.
Besides being a witness to an ongoing genocide online for the past several months and feeling utterly helpless, I had the worst experience a teacher could have last week.
I let a girl go to the bathroom. And she tried to slit her wrists. Thankfully she did it WRONG and fainted. I found her a little later when she didn´t return. I held her arms up, squeezing with all my might just below the wound she had inflicted. The ambulance arrived within minutes and she is alive and she can now get help she obviously did not know how to ask for before that.
I thought I did well and dandy the next few days. Apparently my shock is only waking up with a delay.
If you believe in God, please send a little prayer for my overall health. If yo do not, send vibes, I take those too. ❤️
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chezzywezzy · 2 years
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Yandere Billy & Stu pt. 2 (3/4)
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Word count ; 3.8k
*TW : topics of death, depression, & attempted suicide.
*Edited.
I know what the police said. That I shouldn’t leave my house or go anywhere alone. But, to be honest - I didn’t say this to their face, of course -, I didn’t care. At this point, I was actively seeking out death. I walked home through dark alleyways, I went to the bar almost every evening, and I could barely muster the energy to eat.
Late nights, when I was dead drunk and stumbled home, I thought I would see her. Mom always stayed up and waited for me to get home. But she wasn’t.
She never would be.
Never again.
I longed for a home. I longed for peace and familiarity. But she was gone now. My home died with her.
Grieving was a funny thing. Sometimes, you forgot altogether that someone so important was gone. Like, when I was still wiping the grogginess from my eyes in the morning, all I could think about was my hangover. But then I would walk into the bathroom and see her toothbrush next to mine and it’d come crashing down like a tidal wave.
Everything had changed. Little by little, I recognized the tiny things that I appreciated about her. I missed her packed lunches and watching jeopardy during dinner. I missed the sound of vacuuming at god-awful hours. I missed the way she told me she was proud of me when I returned home with oil stains on my shirts, because I’ll be damned, there was no way I was ever proud of myself.
She was my everything. She was my mother, my best friend, my platonic soulmate. And she was ripped from me by some obsessive psycho. All for the sake of having a night of sick, seductive pleasure.
I applied the final layer of makeup. I stared myself down in the mirror. My expression blank and empty, I gripped the sink edges. 
I didn’t want to live anymore.
I didn’t have the strength to voice my opinions out loud. It was like if I heard myself say it with my real voice, it would become even more true.
I broke self-eye contact and rushed to the front door. I pulled on my sneakers. 
I looked like a mess. But who cares? I certainly didn’t anymore.
I grabbed my purse and shrugged it over my shoulders. With that, I was off. I was once again going to spend my night getting wasted in hopes I either die of alcohol poisoning or get amnesia. The local bar was more of a home at this point. 
Anything to make me forget about her.
The bartender nodded to me as I entered. It was barely seven o’clock. Each day I came earlier so that I could juice the most I could out of my time there. If it was possible, I would choose to move in entirely.
The bar was mostly empty, still. After all, who in their right mind goes drinking at seven? Luckily for me, I wasn’t in my right mind.
I sat myself down at my usual spot. The bartender knew my name; everyone did. I was on national news. But even he preferred to milk me for what I was worth than tell me to lay off the beer.
I didn’t even have to open my mouth. She slid my usual down to me. My usual being that of the strongest liquor they had. It got me feeling loosened up faster, after all. 
I dazed off. I stared at the wooden counter, occasionally taking sips of my drink. Time passed. I could tell what hour its was by how loud people became. The drunker they were, the more they shouted and cheered. I looked at my third empty glass. 
I fixed my posture and raised my hand. I wanted another —
My hand was stolen and pulled away. I jumped, ready to fight a bitch —
I came face to face with Daniel, that handsome stranger from a week or so ago. He had a ball cap on and had that charismatic smirk of his. He squeezed my hand and pulled it down. I sent him a wary glare.
“I think you’ve had enough,” he stated.
I shrugged. “What’s it to you? Aren’t you just Sally’s attempted hook-up?”
He released my hand and sat down. He strained a smile, and his hand found its way to the small of my back. “No. I’m someone who cares.”
I swallowed air and met his concerned gaze. I almost wanted to melt right then and there, but I was too tired and exhausted to break down like I did when I was alone in my house. 
I finally looked away. “You’re just trying to get into my pants. I’m sure it’s a bragging right to sleep with the American serial killers’ sweetheart.”
I could sense the frown. “Don’t tell me you’ve had to deal with that. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you frequenting the bar lately. I’ve seen guys come to you, but they’re just creeps. I’m your friend, Y/n.”
My heart ached. Friend. The last one of those I had were either murdered or murderers. As sweet as Daniel was being… I couldn’t let someone else die for giving me the light of day. 
Not like my mother did.
I pushed his arm away. “You shouldn’t be around me. I have a permanent stench of death.”
“I don’t mind. I’m a reporter for a living.”
That’s when it clicked. I slammed my fist into the table and swiveled the chair toward him. I let out a haughty laugh, drawing the attention from fellow customers. I pointed my finger at him accusingly. “So that’s why you’re talking to me. You’re another one of those Gale Weathers motherfuckers. You think you’re going to swoop in like the hero you are and save me, the damsel in distress? 
"Don’t think I’m stupid. I know damn well what you’re doing. Your tactics won’t work on me, so stop trying. Give it up, bitch, ‘cause if I’m going down, I’m going down without nobody else’s help. I’ll be the fucking martyr that those damn masked bitches want me to be.” He seemed bewildered by the outburst. Everyone around me, even the bartender, was staring. I leaned toward him, glaring furiously. “Get the fuck out of my face, Daniel Johnson. I don’t mean shit to you and the feeling’s mutual.”
He let out a sigh. He rose to his feet, readjusting his hat. “I hope you feel better soon,” he mitered aggressively under his breath. I watched as he walked out of the bar.
Just as he left, two familiar girls squeezed in. And from the looks of it, Sally and Purdue had already started drinking. Was it really Friday already? I completely lost track of time.
I didn’t want to deal with their happy-go-lucky attitudes. Not now. So, I turned to the bar. I hunched over, trying to disappear as much as I could. The bartender set me up with another drink.
“Oh my god, is that Y/n?” Sally squeaked distantly.
That was all I needed to hear. I downed the refilled glass in an instant, squinting slightly. It was strong, but maybe it just seemed that way from how much I already ingested. 
“Y/n, what are you doing here? It’s a little unsafe for everyone here if you’re here.”
Purdue. Of-fucking-course that’s the first thing that came out of her mouth.
I steeled myself and finally met their gaze. Sally was already making herself comfortable on one side while Purdue hovered behind me with a ‘sympathetic’ hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad random strangers are more important than my well-being, Purdue. And don’t worry, last time I checked, the limp-bitch kid in a convenience store mask doesn’t have magic abilities to take on thirty people at once.”
She frowned, and I could tell she was biting back more shade. “Bartender! Rounds for us all, please!” Sally slurred eagerly, waving her hand in the air.
I sunk on my seat. I already had enough of the pair. Between Sally’s persistent positivity and Purdue’s ruthless condescension, I couldn’t stand it. I crossed my arms and plopped my head down, hoping for a bout of drowsiness to tune them out for a bit.
“Man, she’s really the grumpy drunk,” Purdue noted. “Like, I get her mom died and everything, but she shouldn’t be pushing us away right now. We’re her friends.”
Sally snickered. “Friends don’t rag on a friend’s existence when they’re having a hard time.”
Sally was certainly the more durable out of the two. I’d never met her when she wasn’t buzzed, though, and I never hoped to.
I could feel Purdue’s eye rolls. The conversation shifted and they gossiped. It was like I was completely invisible. I occasionally lifted my head to down a drink, but I bowed out completely. As if my night and life wasn’t miserable enough, I was stuck listening about Richard’s tiny dick because I’ll be damned if I had to sleep another night across the room from where my mom was murdered.
How long… had I been like this?
“…/n, we’re getting out of here.”
“Come on, girl, come with us. Wouldn’t want you getting murdered or something.”
I raised my head. I felt groggy. Had I fallen asleep? I turned to the two girls, who were already coated up and hovering behind me. “What… time is it?”
Purdue shrugged. “I don’t know. Like, two? You were out for so long I forgot you existed - Oh wait, you’re just that forgettable.”
Sally smacked her upper arm. I stumbled to my feet. My body was completely on autopilot as I followed them out into the pitch black night. The parking lot and roads were completely barren. That is, all except for Sally’s expensive… Maserati? I was too tired to recognize which fancy sports car she was driving. 
Under any other circumstances, I would hate to enter Sally’s car when she was dead drunk. But tonight, I was fine with it. All I could hope was that she drove our worthless asses off the side of a cliff. Mister Ghostface was taking his sweet time with finishing me, so I might as well do the job myself.
We walked to our designated sides of the car. Purdue in the passenger seat, me in the back, and Sally driving. We were shielded from the cold October air for but a moment as we entered the car. But it was cut short as Sally tried starting the engine, only to yield nothing.
She turned the key again and again. 
“What the fuck’s going on?” Purdue snarled, leaning into the driver’s seat and trying to start the engine again.
I should’ve been afraid. I should’ve been worried. I should’ve felt anything, because I knew damn well why the car wasn’t working. It was time for one or more of us to drive down the highway to hell. 
No. As much as I hated them, they didn’t deserve to die. It wasn’t my duty to play the grim reaper. It would only satisfy that masked bastard more.
“We have to get inside,” I demanded. 
Sally and Purdue peered back at me. They exchanged glances. “I know you’re paranoid, but it’s just a car malfunction. We can just call a taxi instead,” Sally insisted.
I face-palmed. Even Purdue, who was usually the voice of reason, would be unmoving. It was because she wanted to prove me wrong. To prove that I was going crazy. “Ditto. We can just wait by the curb.”
I was helpless as I followed them like a puppy. We sat down at the bus stop. As Sally took out her cell phone and rang up the taxi service, I examined my surroundings.
To the right was nothing but the road and the darkness of the forest. To the left were shut down restaurants and shops. Everything was dark except the light that escaped the bar and the lampposts a few feet away.
I knew he was watching. He was out there, staring me down like a predator stalking its prey. And I had no idea where he was.
“Sounds good. I repeat, Logan Avenue’s bar.” With that, Sally hung up and tucked her phone back into her purse. Silence fell over us. Purdue was staring me down as though she knew what I was looking so adamantly for. And Sally looked like she was about to pass out.
I leaned against the metal column beside me. It was cold. It sent shivers down my spine. But if I was about to die, who cared if I was in slight discomfort? 
I know that I was tipsy, but I didn’t lose complete track of time. I knew damn well that a solid ten minutes had passed, and no taxi was showing. I reached past Purdue and shook Sally awake.
“Hey, give me your phone. I’m going to check back with the driver,” I insisted. 
Sally groggily handed me her entire purse. So, I searched through it and pulled out her phone. The phone displayed ‘2:46’.I opened the lid, but just as I did so, an unknown number flashed on screen.
Without thinking, I answered. “Sir,” I started angrily,” We would appreciate it if you hurried your ass up —“
“That’s no way to talk to your long-lost lover.”
That damned voice. He haunted me in my dreams. I dreaded that I’d hear it every Tim eI lifted my phone off the receiver. And here I was, hearing that damned filter, right here, right now.
“Who are you?” I gasped.
Purdue and Sally sat up. I rose to my feet. It was habit to be wrought with fear. I hadn’t expected a call. I hadn’t expected a game. I looked around wildly.
“You and I both know who you’re talking to right now.”
Standing across the street, knife in hand, there he was. With his tilted head and waving hand. But he had no phone. Was he playing a prerecorded message?
I slammed the cell phone shut. “Girls, we have to go. We have to go now!” I screeched, motioning to the killer across the street.
But Sally could barely keep her eyes open. Ghostface was approaching. And he was approaching quickly. So, Purdue and I hoisted Sally around our shoulders. The girl was in a total drunk daze, barely moving her feet, so we were forced to drag her along the ground. We kept grunting in a panicked flurry. 
We tried over and over again to weave through cars, but he was growing closer. My entire body ached. It was hard carrying the woman.
“Fuck this!” Purdue raged, suddenly dropping Sally’s weight.
All at once, the world came crumbling down on me. Sally pulled me down to the ground. My entire body was screaming at me to get up, to save her, but I was struggling to save myself. Sally was sobbing slovenly on the ground. I pushed my body off the ground. 
I barely managed to rise to my feet. I turned around just as Ghostface pounced. 
I let out a scream, pushing myself up against the car. The killer dug his knife into Sally’s back. He stabbed over and over again. The blood splattered the side of the car and my thighs. I was paralyzed as Ghostface ended the poor woman’s life.
I was trembling. But, on instinct, my feet took off. My padding footsteps were drowned out by Purdue’s screaming she was almost to the entrance of the bar. My sights were on her. I just wanted to disappear. I wish I was the one who was stabbed, not my innocent fake friend.
I was half-way across the parking lot. Purdue was almost to the door. She reached out, her hand securing the handle.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Purdue froze. Time seemed to slow. And then it sped up as she collapsed on the ground, blood pouring from three separate holes. Her mouth was agape. The bar door swung open and a crowd formed. Light poured outside. I let out a scream of agony, collapsing to the ground. My entire body felt limp, however I glanced over my shoulder once more.
Ghostface was gone.
And so were two innocent lives.
~~~
I rolled onto my side. I’d spent another night restless and empty. 
I was counting the days. Hours. Minutes. And yet, he had not come to end me. He had ripped everything from me, even the worst people in my lives.
So why hadn’t he come to put me out of my misery? I rolled off the couch. I was completely on autopilot. I was thirsty. I had to pee. I wanted to eat. I wanted to sleep.
I was absent of all of my essential human needs. But I hated walking into the kitchen. I hated walking into the bathroom. I hated the nightmares that haunted me to no end.
But I had to do something.
So, I walked my way toward the bathroom.
I was dazed as I peed. I was dazed when I washed my hands. But then I made eye contact with myself.
I was a mess. My hair was greasy and knotted. My eye brows were unkempt. My eyes were red and blood shot. I hadn’t showered in… How long has it been? How long has it been since all this hell has started?
My fake friends were murdered three days ago. My mother was murdered a week before that. And that day, I had come face to face with Ghostface for the first time in years.
I couldn’t tell if it was them or a copycat. And I wasn’t sure which one would be worse - to come face to face with my former friends, or be murdered in cold blood by a maniacal stranger?
I grabbed my toothbrush and slathered it with toothpaste. I ran the water over it and began scrubbing my teeth. I stared myself down further, feeling absolutely humiliated with the state I was in.
Not that there was anyone else around to care. The police could try, but they were more bothered about easier crimes to solve. What matter was it that Nevada was in the midst of a massacre?
I spit out the toothpaste and washed my mouth out. Afterwards, I quenched my thirst by drinking straight from the faucet. I stared at my reflection once more. I was miserable. And I longed for nothing more than to cure it. To join my mother and Sidney and Tatum and Randy. Hell, even Sally and Purdue.
As though I was possessed, my trembling hands opened the sink cabinet. Inside were my mother’s various medications. She had some Xanax and nameless antidepressants. She had back pain pills and NiQuil. A hunger came over for me and I swept the medication off the shelves and into the sink.
I had one mission and one mission only.
I grabbed the antidepressants first. I opened the bottle and dumped the contents into my hand. I set the others onto the toilet lid. I turned on the faucet. I dumped the pills in my mouth and slowly swallowed. 
I was surprised with how quickly it all went down. Next was the Xanax. 
My mannerisms became drowsier each time I downed more pills. My stomach was churning. My head was pounding. But my hands continued to work their magic. My legs could barely hold my weight. My vision was blurry.
I took one last gulp, but instead of being able to swallow the last gulp, my whole body gave in.
Black stars crossed my vision and my legs kicked out. I leaned against the bathroom wall. I felt my body sinking further to the ground.
Water and half-dissolved pills spilled out of my mouth and dribbled down my cheeks and neck. I was becoming less conscious of my surroundings. Everything was a white blob and it all faded to black.
Darkness.
Stars…
Was I being moved? I felt warmth. Someone was grabbing me and pulling me elsewhere. Two fingers were shoved into my mouth. My body was lurching, vibrating under the foreign touch. My whole body hurt and my stomach turned inside out and my innards emptied itself. 
I could barely see my surroundings. But I could hear. I could hear them. Were they truly there? Had I put a stump in their plans by trying to end it all?
Or was I hallucinating?
“…Ambulance!”
“Fucking… know. Get… Call them, now, dumbass!”
I felt a warm, wet hand cloth press against my forehead. I felt feverish. My body was burning, and yet the human touch was cold.
“It’ll be alright, doll face. Just stay conscious.”
Was I hearing things? Was he really there?
I leaned against someone. Two arms were wound around my waist. Oh, how I longed to be held in the arms of my mother again. Oh, how I longed for another movie marathon with Tatum and Sidney. How I longed to live in a world where Billy and Stu were innocent and mentally stable and my friends… 
“You’ll be alright baby, just hang in there.”
The world around me was fading. I could see stars. I could see light. I could feel warmth.
It would be alright if I took a little nap now, right?
@mwitsmejk @animefan3223
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antiendovents · 1 month
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I'm actually pissed at pro endos rn because there's a pro endo harassing me for being anti endo cause one of their friends attempted due to anti endos and I'm sorry that happened but I can 100% promise that if a pro endo/endo drove an anti endo to attempt, then immediately the community would just be like "okay but they're not actually in the community!!" "it wasn't us!!" and just being so pissed because why do i have to be the bigger person when all i wanna do is scream?
yeah, it's not your fault. If anyone anti-endo did push a pro-endo to do that then it's not our fault as a community, I'm sure some pro-endos have probably done the same to anti-endos. It's no excuse to harass people. Every community has bad apples unfortunately, but that doesn't mean you can just go harassing random people in the community. I'd say you don't have to be the bigger person here, if you can block the pro-endo(s) and try move on, or try avoid them / ignore them. This might sound heartless but it's not your problem, unless you were the person who did it then you shouldn't be held responsible for that person's actions
Obviously it is sad that it happened, but it's not your problem and you shouldn't be receiving crap over something you weren't even involved in
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skettelyboi3000 · 2 months
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Jokichi and Sora for the character thing. please and thank you.
Tw: Attempted Sui mention
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I had this done like two days ago, I just didn't put the text on Sora's
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m00nl1ght-sun25 · 11 months
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The burning Fate
Post Seabound/season 15
Warning - Attempted suicide, cursing, past overdosing/drowning (attempt), self harm, implied eating disorder, self gaslighting
Heads up -
 - i hc lloyd as Genderfluid, in this their pronouns will be they/them
- Lloyd and brad are dating (brad is two years older then lloyd- so it’s not illegal or smth and like also lloyd is 17)  also Brad is this kid who was in like season 1 and he went to darklys with Lloyd :)
- i hc Lloyd and autistic, i kinda hint to it in one part (also im not autistic- but i have autistic friends, and if i do smth wrong ever, pls tell me)
- also im not saying if you have any mental disorder or smth your stupid- just ppl think that, when your rlly not-
 - also i have no idea how to comfort- and idk how to write i either- so yea-
Lloyd has been up on top of this building for about an hour. An hour numbly looking down below into the busy street as the darkness surrounds them. Some lights flash into their faces from time to time. But it doesn’t matter to Lloyd, this will be their last few minutes.
Ever since Nya left Lloyd's life has gone back to hell. First of all, Kai and Jay will always be yelling at each other, no matter how loud Lloyd made the music, they could still hear their older brothers yelling at each other. Most of the time it'd just get to the point where it was too much for Lloyd and they just couldn’t hold it anymore and cry, they couldn’t help but get overwhelmed by it all. It’s all their fault though. It’s their fault. They're a horrible leader. Nobody wants a stupid, disabled kid to be their savior.
After nya left the ninja, Lloyd also started to relapse… just like after the sons of garmadon and harumi. They locked themself in their room all the time, never coming out. Not eating, and they would get the extra razor that they have to… hurt themself. They have the scars all over them, not just their wrists. Their thighs, shoulders. Just really anywhere that they can hide it. Where they can hide how hard everything really was for them. They had to  hide, they couldn’t be seen as weak. They’re the green ninja, they’re the one who has to protect everyone.
This isn’t the first time they tried to kill themself.. Lloyd thought as they looked over the edge of the tall building. A month after Nya left them to merge with the ocean, they tried to drown themselves, but Kai tried to find them and stopped them before it was too late. They were forced to stay in the mental hospital for a few weeks, it wasn’t because the ninja thought that they were psycho or anything. Just they tried to kill themselves. When they got to be sent back home, they snuck out one night. No word or anything. And just ran away. So they’ve been living with Brad, Gene, and Sally for about 7 months.
The other time Lloyd tried to end it all was after they moved in with brad. They got a lot of pills and just chugged them all down, it worked. But Sally found them passed out on the floor, and called the ambulance before Lloyd actually died. After they were sent home, Brad kept a close eye on his lover.
Lloyds honestly is kinda embarrassed and disappointed in themselves for failing twice to kill themselves. Well… is it them..? because really, they could’ve done it, but then people keep finding them. They should really try to do it when no one is around or anything. But hey… no one is around right now… just five more simple steps.. and all the pain will be over, they’ll no longer feel the stinging sensation in their arms or thighs after this. Because they’ll be gone. Just like everyone always wanted. For the blonde brat , that was Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon, to be dead.
Funny thing is right now they're not even fully blonde. They dyed their pink with red tips. It makes them think of valentines though, not going to lie. But does it matter? no. Nothing matters. Everything is all useless. All that matters is that in a few seconds, they’ll be free. Free from being the green ninja, free from being the leader and the reason your team fell apart. Free from destiny. Maybe that’s why they’re still alive. Because destiny needs a puppet to pick sticks at, to try to entertain itself. Fuck destiny, man. Fuck it.
Lloyd lets their mind wander as they take one step closer to the edge, one step closer to death.
They think about when they went to The Wailing Alsps, with Clancee. This snake pirate, who was very familiar and lloyd feels like they’ve seen before. And it wasn’t just because of when the whole thing with chen was going on.. some other time… A time Lloyd can’t put their finger on. But anyways When Lloyd and Clancee went to the wailing alsps and almost died, they thought of kai. How Kai was always there for them, and was like the brother and father Lloyd never had. Lloyd is the one who’s leaving, just like last time. But… this is what Kai wanted… The night Lloyd ran away they and Kai got into a fight… Not Jay and kai. But Lloyd and Kai.  It was in the heat of the moment when Kai yelled that he wished he never saved Lloyd from that volcano. Which right after Kai realized what he said to lloyd. But it was too late. The damage was done.
Four more steps…
Three more steps…
Fuck it all. Lloyd thought.  Fuck. Destiny can go find some other blonde bitch to do its bidding.  In Lloyd's last few seconds they just felt rage. The closer they got to the edge the more they got angry.
The last few years their anger has gotten worse. But it gives Lloyd something to think about. It lets Lloyd actually feel something. Sometimes it’s like they're not angry at all, but the next they’re fuming. Like right now.
Like how right now just the thought of Garmadon makes them want to go smash their “fathers” face into a fucking wall. Or Harumi. Definitely Harumi. She messes everything up and then just goes and dies just like that. At least she’s out of their life. even if they can never stop thinking about her… Or the version of Harumi in The Prime Empire game Lloyd and the other ninjas were trapped in.
Lloyd took a deep breath in through the noise and out the mouth.
Taking another step closer.
Two more steps…
One more step…
Lloyd looks all the way down. Heh… So this is it.. The end of the line. Maybe i’ll get to see my real father.
Just as Lloyd took the last step they swore they heard the door slam open to the top of the building… and some yelling..? But all Lloyd could feel now was the air in their face, the wind messing with their hair. And… It stopped…? did they fall that fast to the ground..?
No…no… No! why.. NononoNO!
They feel a hand gripping tightly on the wrist. A familiar voice yelling for them to stay. A sound that is almost like someone sobbing..?
Lloyd hazily looks up to the person who’s stopping them. Only to see Brad, His eyes red and bloodshot, Tears running down his face as he finally manages to pull Lloyd up. Brad falls to the ground and wraps his arms around his partner. Sobbing and hugging them tightly. Lloyd gets some anger inside of them because Brad stopped them. But they can’t help but just stare blankly as Brad sobs that he almost lost lloyd.
“I-I…”
Lloyd tries to get anything out to brad. But they can’t. They just feel numb again, as Brad holds them.
After a few moments Brad gets it under control and wipes at his eyes. He then stands up and tightly holds Lloyd's hand, it doesn’t hurt. But it doesn’t matter. Brad waits for lloyd to stand up before they say
“I… I love you… I’m sorry.. I’m sorry Lloyd.”
Brad doesn’t seem to know what to say at this moment. I mean… What can you say after you find your partner almost killing themselves…? ‘Why?’ ‘What about me?’ ‘Don’t leave?’ ‘People are going to miss you’ ‘I will miss you’ No… None of it seems right… Brad just stays quiet and looks down at Lloyd, love in his eyes.
He hugs Lloyd again tightly and then lets go. Tightly holding Lloyd's hand.
The door to the top was still open from when Brad came running up here to get to Lloyd before it was too late.
Brad closed the door and walked down the stairs with lloyd.
Lloyd just blocked everything out and thought… They were almost free.. Free from it all. But they couldn’t have it. They can’t die apparently. Damn. Destiny really doesn't want Lloyd to die.
Fuck.
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the-elusive-soleil · 2 months
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For some reason, my brain decided to think about Knock at the Cabin at the same time as kidnap fam, and I'm making it y'all's problem.
(bear with me, I promise it'll be okay)
Let's say at the end of the War of Wrath, Sauron escapes, and is making his way through the wilderness. Completely by chance, he happens on an abandoned settlement where Maedhros, Maglor, Elrond, and Elros have been staying.
(For context: the twins are young adults, have won several sporadic arguments over the years about how they ought to leave, and have hung on after all the rest of the Feanorians have had to scatter, and Maglor and Maedhros have not yet heard what's going on with the Silmarils.)
Sauron decides to have some fun with them, and disguises himself as a Maia of Namo before presenting himself to them. He claims that the continental instability they've been noticing is a prelude to a coming apocalypse, and that one of the four of them has to sacrifice themselves to prevent the end of the world.
Naturally, they don't initially believe him - less because they really think at this point that it would be beyond the pale for the Valar to require this, and more because they're not convinced any of the Valar are paying that much attention to them. But Sauron's very good at manipulation, and the earthquakes are getting worse, and the ground is cracking open in some places.
Maedhros was already a little suicidal, and tells Maglor that it should be him, that he should die/be killed just in case. Maglor is horrified and shuts the notion down. Usually, he's slightly more inclined of the two of them to trust the Valar, but not for this, not if it means sacrificing his brother. The only thing they agree on in this situation is that they need to keep the twins alive and well.
Meanwhile. Neither Elrond nor Elros wants to die, particularly since it would mean leaving the other one alone, and since they're not positive what happens to peredhil. However, they a) don't want either of their adoptive fathers to die, for the normal reasons and also in case they would go to the Void/not be reembodied, and b) are mostly sure that they can sing their way out of Mandos as Luthien did. So with that logic, they're starting to look like the best options if someone has to be sacrificed.
Maedhros and Maglor overhear them discussing this, and realize the situation might get more urgent. They hide all possible means of death-dealing about the place. Maedhros reiterates that it should be him, that Maglor is less broken and the one the twins are closer to. Maglor tells him not to be an idiot and that the twins love both of them, and that his lesser brokenness might make him better able to handle the Void if it comes down to that.
And of course, in between the assorted arguments, Sauron's coming around to each of them and stirring things up with a stick, alternately convincing them that they should be the one to die or that they can't be. Any way that it goes is fine by him: if it's Maedhros, Sauron will have finally destroyed his old victim; if it's Maglor, Maedhros will be so tormented with grief and guilt that he might die anyway; and if it's one of the twins, that might be what finally drives a wedge between Maedhros and Maglor.
A lava chasm opens up just outside the settlement. Maedhros decides to take matters into his own hand, discreetly locks Maglor and the twins in the house, and goes out to jump--
--and runs into Eonwe and others from the Host of Valinor, who are on Sauron's trail. Maedhros realizes what's been going on, and also that his brother and sons are alone with Sauron. They speed back to the house and the Host takes Sauron prisoner. While everyone is distracted with him at the camp, someone pinches the Silmarils sans murder, and the Oath is fulfilled. The Silmarils might burn Maedhros and Maglor a little, but not as badly as in canon, and Elros and Elrond are there to talk them down from doing anything drastic.
And so they all four live, and stay together. Which, ironically, would mean that Sauron accidentally made things better by showing up and messing with them...
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rom-e-o · 8 months
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When Orin finds Connie in the tub.
Poor girl.
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cheetochild989 · 25 days
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SPORES FOR THE CHILD
I haven't started the comic/animatic, but until I do, here's the audio and the transcript for what I have planned. Hopefully it makes sense and isn't cringe :D
youtube
For context
-Abby shares a room with Casey Jr when she's staying at the lair.
You know the room that Leo and Donnie were fighting over in "The Lair Games"? It's that one. Leo has the traincars, and Donnie just sleeps in his lab. Casey stuffed a pillow in the vent to block out the sound of Splinter's snoring. Generally, Abby sleeps on the floor in a makeshift bed.
-Any references to Draxum are referring to villain Draxum. The only reformed Draxum appearance is in the last mention of him.
-When I say "wraps" I mean the kind people use when boxing
I don't wanna die...
(Abby standing in the bathroom, looking bitterly at herself in the mirror)
I don't wanna disappear...
(covering an obscured injury with her wraps)
I hate this!
(hugging herself tightly, struggling and failing not to cry)
I hate boys-
(Leo & Donnie making hurtful jokes without realizing, Raph & Mikey being overbearing when trying to help her)
I hate my father- (Abby getting her tail/spinal injury in a sparring match with Draxum)
And my mother! (Mom cat abandoning non-mutated kitten Abby in the snow)
I hate everyone!
(April & Casey jr talking about her with concerned looks)
Nobody cares about me-
(Leo being annoyed she's there IG?)
Nobody stays with me-
(Huginn & Muninn following Draxum's orders to not help Abby when she's struggling to get up after being knocked down during sparring)
So I don't want to depend on anybody!
(Abby shoving Mikey away from trying to help her up, or biting someone who tried to restrain her to calm her down)
But I hate it at the same time!
(curled up in the corner of a room, covering her ears while the turtles discuss her being problematic just outside)
It's a pain!
(Being scared from a nightmare or storm, and flinching away/hissing when Casey tries to help
I don't want to be alone!
(Waking up to find herself alone in the lab's wreckage)
I don't want to be alone!!
(Watching Big Mama look bored/disappointed from the VIP seats as Abby's being beaten to a pulp in the Battle Nexus)
I don't want to be alone!!!
(About to step off the edge of a parapet, but Draxum grabs her and pulls her back onto the roof, trapping her in a hug.)
Don't kill me...
(Abby can see her reflection in a puddle nearby on the roof. Her reflection has shadows covering her eyes. Out of the corner of the screen, you can see that Abby's arm wrappings have blood specks where her wrists are.)
(Abby snaps out of the hallucinogen to find herself still in the infirmary at the competition. Diana and the Goyles are nowhere to be seen. Stubbornly wiping the tears from her eyes, she gets up and stumbles out the door, despite not being able to fully feel/move her legs properly just yet. Diana and the goyles return shortly thereafter, finding her gone.)
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heyheydidjaknow · 2 years
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At about 1 am last night I was struck with the overwhelming urge to write this. I don’t like that fact but it is a fact regardless. The title doesn’t make it obvious, but this is a yandere venti X reader, so check the warnings if you’re worried about that sort of thing.
Good Wine
All things considered, he thought he had done a solid job. Sure, the rug was not the prettiest thing in the world, the bed little more than a sack of hay and a blanket and the walls lacking in any sort of decoration, but considering the circumstances, he thought his efforts were, if nothing else, apparent. He had taken the time, as some might not have, to place things around the room he thought you would like, from a stack of books taken from your personal collection to lamps and candles— which he had paid a good amount for— that he considered to be your style. There were still more things to do, of course, chairs and pillows to make this feel like an apartment more than a glorified prison cell, but those things would come in good time. He wanted your input on those sorts of things regardless; this was still your living space as much as it was his.
“So.” He set his head on his knees. “I’m sure you have questions.”
You were not screaming. That was a good sign, probably. Not that it would matter; the two of you were so far out and away from the city that even if you did scream nobody would be around to hear it. Seeing as you did not know that, though, it gave him something like hope. Perhaps it was possible that you would not be as opposed to this arrangement as he has previously assumed.
Your voice was soft, shaky. “Where am I?”
“Old Mondstadt.” There was no reason to be dishonest. “Higher up than one would typically venture, especially without a vision. Secrecy, for obvious reasons, is important, so this should allow us a bit of privacy while you get accustomed to your environment.” He smiled. “I wouldn’t recommend trying to leave, though; it’s a very far drop at a very steep angle, and I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.”
You were not tied up. Still, you made no effort to try to attack him. You looked out towards the mouth of this modified cave to check if he was lying. He was not. “Why am I here?”
His knees fell outward as he crisscrossed his legs, setting a sack in front of him. You watched him carefully– as if he would take this opportunity, of all times, to hurt you– as he pulled out a loaf of bread, a block of cheese, four apples, two cups and a bottle. He thought it a good idea, when his plan was originally decided upon, to take the time and money to get the two of you a very expensive bottle of wine as a show of good will; of all the things in what he hoped would become your new home, he had spent the most money on this. He uncorked it, pouring a conservative portion into each of your cups before setting one down in front of you, the rest of the food put between you and him.
You eyed the cup suspiciously.
He tossed the sack to the side. “I wouldn’t poison it.” He took a sip from his cup slowly, deliberately swallowing so that you could tell it was safe. “I’ll have you know I hold wine too sacred to. Besides,” he joked, trying to lighten up what was becoming an increasingly oppressive mood, “I wouldn’t waste a perfectly good bottle to do that; this was two months of savings!”
You did not even smile.
He looked down at his hands, voice softening. “You’ve been asleep for quite some time, you know. It would be bad for you not to eat.”
You took an apple, licked and then took a bite out of it. You chewed it slowly, and after what seemed like an unusually long time, swallowed.
He set his cup down, swallowing back a lump of nervousness in his throat. When he had talked to you in the past, it had never been quite so hard to get himself to speak clearly as it was now. This was unfortunately not the time for passionate ballads; what you needed was a rational explanation as to what he would take you away from your friends and family, an explanation that he did not have and could not for the life of him create. “Well,” he started slowly, struggling to meet your eyes, “I suppose that the reason you are here, right now, with me, is because I love you.”
He hated that he could not read the expression on your face. He understood that of all times this was a bit late to be feeling any sort of shame for what he was doing, but even now, after all this time getting himself on board with this whole ordeal, he still could not ignore the way his stomach churned at how uncomfortable he had made you. This was wrong. He understood that it was wrong. The reality of the situation was, of course, that he had kidnapped you because it was selfish, but he could hardly tell you that.
He smiled gently, pushing the feeling to the side. You were scared; you needed reassurance. “You treated me well. You took me seriously and you spent time with me and you cared to know me. I’m grateful for that; I’m not typically around people who treat me with that sort of consideration.”
Your expression was not changing.
“You really are wonderful, you know.” He tore off a chunk of bread, taking a bite out of it to give his hands something to do and to give this delicate conversation a more casual feel. “Kind, considerate, unassuming: I’m very fortunate to have you in my life.” He swallowed. “And I cherished the time we had together; you and I, sat looking at the stars as we laughed and joked and teased one another.” He felt heat flush his ears. “I still cherish that time, however brief. If I have not irreparably destroyed what we have, I hope to spend more moments like that with you.”
You took another bite from the apple. If he had a god to pray to he would pray that this all was not lost on you.
He took another bite out of the bread. “I don’t know if I have ever told you, or if I have ever had the opportunity to tell you, but I am effectively immortal.” He took a sip from the wine, barely tasting it. “I’m an archon, as a matter of fact: the patron god of Mondstadt. It takes quite a bit of effort to kill a god; unfortunately, time has proven that it is not up to the task, seeing as I am unfortunately still here.” He gestured to the bottle. “Have as much of that as you want, by the way; I got it to celebrate.” He cleared his throat, checking your expression. “Am I making sense so far? Typically I’m not this nervous.”
You leaned your back against the cave wall, closing your eyes as if blocking out the sight of him would make the situation any less real than it was.
He wished he had a lower tolerance for alcohol; his hands were shaking. “But anyways.” He tucked his legs underneath him. “Immortality has not been kind to me, you understand; those that are not immortal have an unfortunate affinity for dying. It makes forming relationships difficult, especially with those with adventurous spirits and hearts yearning for glory, which is unfortunate given the type of people I associate with typically.” He set his hands on his knees. “While you don't seem particularly driven by these things, you are still mortal and still human, and while I understand that, developmentally, it’s important for you to be able to do whatever you choose and to take risks, frankly, I don’t really care.”
You still were not responding.
He continued. “You’re very important to me.” He fiddled with the fabric of his shorts. “And I have decided that the best thing to do— admittedly, mostly for my sanity’s sake— is to keep you here, where no human or creature could possibly reach or hurt you.” He chose not to meet your eyes. “I’ll bring you food and drink and I will offer you entertainment as best I can. I may bring people I trust to spend time with you, even take you down so that you may stretch your legs, as I do understand that this space, however much I try, is not the ideal living situation.” His mouth was painfully dry. “I will do my best to provide for your every need, work so that you might not have to, make you want for as little as is reasonable. I don’t have much, but I swear to give you what little I do have, and while I understand that, right now, it may seem like my word means very little— this entire situation,” he admitted, smiling sheepishly, “is absolutely against just about every principle that I hold— but I want you to know that I have every intention of keeping you happy and safe.”
You opened your eyes again, looking back out at the mouth of the cave and back at him. You leaned towards him. “And in return?”
He blinked. “In return?”
“What do you want out of me?” Your hands balled into fists. “You’re not doing this all for me. What do you expect from me?”
He reached forward, brushing a bit of hair out of your face. “What I want,” he explained, voice lowering at the new proximity, “is for you, at some point, to feel the same way about me that I feel about you however I can.”
You were shaking. “And how are you going to do that?”
“If I told you that, it would take all the fun out of it.” Despite his best efforts to keep his voice fairly light, he could see how you wilted at his words. “And it wouldn’t be very romantic if I told you everything I planned on doing outright.”
You looked back at the mouth of the cave, then at him. You picked the cup up, took a drink from it, stood up, and sprinted for the exit.
His response was automatic. In an instant, you were on your back, pushed back into the shelter by a force that seemed to almost whip at your skin. You scrambled away from it, curling in on yourself to try to let the wind rush over and past you.
He watched you, keeping his face neutral as his stomach sank. “You know you wouldn’t survive the fall.” He laid on his side to stay at your eye level. “And even if you did, in your state, how do you suggest you get back to where you came from? Crawl?”
You looked over at him through your arms, eyes brimming with tears. “Fuck you.”
He forced out a laugh, fear welling up in his chest. You could not die. “Maybe another time.” He rolled onto his stomach, propping his head on his folded arms. “It’s alright. I think you would be stunning even without working legs.”
You sat up, crawling back to your spot as if your limbs were being dragged by weights. You did not look at him, instead taking a chunk of bread and stuffing it in your mouth to muffle your crying, as if it would make it any less obvious.
He sat back on his knees, reaching over and wiping your face, ignoring how you flinched. “But I wouldn’t do that to you. That wouldn’t be right.” He smiled gently. “It wouldn’t be a smart move on my part either; if I want you to love me, I can’t exactly do that by scaring you half to death, can I?”
You were shivering.
He untied his cape, setting it in front of you. “You can use this. I still need to get all your things; with you gone, getting into your room might be a bit more challenging than usual, but I’m sure I can manage.” He kissed you on the forehead as if your skin did not crawl at the action, standing up. “I promise I’ll be back soon.” He tried to keep his voice stable. “Please don’t try to die again while I’m gone, alright?”
He was not used to the sight of you so defeated, made to look small next to him of all people. You needed space, would resent him if he did not leave you alone, but he was scared to, now, afraid of what you might do, afraid of losing you.
He would be back soon.
“I love you.” He took one last look back at you before stepping off the ledge. “You’ll see that.”
Previous Works
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abyssguardian · 4 months
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so yeah...................another short story..................Ye
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Rwby ost was always funny af because most of the time songs do a better job at developing characters than the show itself.
And of course add the weird gap between the songs that play and the scene they are inserted into.
Like "Be strong and hit stuff" plays during Ironwood vs Everyone for... some reason. "Chatterbox" (a song about Neo and Curuous Cat internally fighting) plays during Jabberwalkers vs WBY for... some reason. And let's not forget "Red like roses 2" playing during RWBY and JNPR vs Nevermore.
Like... at this point I'm not surprised "Guide my way" has nothing to do with vol9 plot nor Rubys arc in the said vol🤷‍♀️
The RW/BY soundtrack certainly makes....choices. Some songs are good across all 9 soundtracks and others are....their. Overall though I tend to not like it when the songs have lyrics during the battles as for me they can distract from the battle itself with wanting to try and listen to the lyrics because as you said, so often the songs do more of the heavy lifting for characterizing the characters and actually giving us insight into their thoughts and feelings.
But on the other hand so often the songs and their placement makes no sense to what is happening thematically. Unfortunately Guide My Way falls into this trap which is unfortunately because we've been so long due for a song that really focuses on Ruby and Guide My Way...falls kind of flat. (TW suicide and attempted suicide discussions below)
I remember when we first heard the notes from Red like Roses I got goosebumps I was so excited and I loved it and it had my hyped for the whole song...but I've realized I don't like anything but that little instrumental section before the lyrics "Red like roses fills my dreams" that is the best part of the song....and its just Red like Roses. But more importantly the lyrics....don't make sense.
I'm begging, can you Guide my way out Of this place?
This song is what plays when Ruby is supposed to be "finding herself" and regaining her confidence in herself. It doesn't make sense for the lyrics to be begging for guidance. If the volume ended with Ruby still in an emotionally shaky place sure the lyrics could work.
Ruby does chose herself realizing her loved ones would miss her and love her because she is her despite her flaws. However she still feels guilty and lost and clearly needs time to heal. The lyrics then have a duel meaning of seeking both guidance in the physical sense and the emotional sense. However that's not what the show went with so the lyrics go against everything the show is claiming is supposed to be Ruby's arc.
Will I ever be (complete)? When will I become all of me?
Again confusing because this is supposed to be Ruby's finding herself and choosing herself moment....why is she asking if she will ever be complete? As I've said it makes no sense for Ruby to in this moment be having these thoughts, the big thing is she should be feel confident in herself and her abilities again and the show has no indication that Ruby is feeling anything but self assured and confident so the song implying otherwise is odd to me.
Your memory ever-lasting at war with my foolish pride What is left?
The foolish pride part is....admittedly kind of frustrating. All last volume the girls all insisted that they where doing the right thing and never really questioned the morality of their actions. The other make sure to tell Ruby when she doubts their actions that that is just thinking like the super duper evil Ironwood and we can't have that. The show has repeatedly slapped us in the face with the fact that Ruby is totes super perfect and is elevating her to this honestly creepy god like status.
This line teases a story line so many people have wanted to see of Ruby actually acknowledging her faults and failures and growing and improving as a person. Unfortunately this does not happen. The mains continue to act as if they can do no wrong and refuse to sit down and reflect on their actions.
I know it's you and I, when I look inside I'll be who you were and I'll be even more
Again, this is supposed to be about Ruby "choosing herself" why is this song that should be about the moment she did in fact choose herself declaring that Ruby will be who her mother was and given that one of the major things that broke her was this expectation that she would solve everything and was perfect and always happy all the time, having her declare she'll be even more feels....tone deaf is the best word I can think for it.
Cr/wby pretended to write this story about a girl carrying the weight of the world and crumbling under the pressure of it all. But then this song is having her declare after breaking that she would be "even more". Pretending that a person who broke under the pressure would turn around and enforce the pedestal they where put on is absolutely insane to me. Just the callousness of it all especially with how Ruby's break was handled.
Cr/wby had Ruby try to end her life. They had her drink tea that she thought would kill her with Neo telling her the world would be better off without her. Neo broke her by reminding her of her faults and failures and made her think the world would be better off without her. Instead of recognizing this pedestal she was being put on was hurting her, they instead reinforced said pedestal and made sure she know how worthy she was of the pedestal putting her realistically in the exact same situation as she was in before.
I am the reflection of who prevails I'm what inspired the fairytale
As stated above, this is just once again putting Ruby further up on a pedestal and giving her this honestly creepy god like status in how she's being revered and inspiring fairytales. It doesn't make any sense to me and it's frustrating how careless CR/WBY has been with this entire arc.
(I can guide me, I can guide my way out) Guide my way out Of this place
"I can guide me" feels almost like an afterthought that was thrown in at the end to me at least. Why is this line a background line if its supposed to be the moment Ruby fully realizes she is enough? Why not have I can guide my way out be the final line of the song? If the song is supposed to be Ruby's entire emotional journey throughout the volume it doesn't convey well at all given how this feels like such an afterthought. If its supposed to be all about how Ruby has found herself it also falls extremely flat.
Sorry to go on a massive tangent their but I had thoughts lolz.
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