#Habit should khs

[z0mbi3juic3]

Re-watching everymanhybrid, I found I'm Evans height and something clicked in my head so I started working out. If anyone ever asks me why I do, I can't wait to explain to them a short man from a slenderverse arg with mussels gave me enough gender envy to start.

Evan Myers is the equalivent of every short trans man and I stand by that.

#Evan myers is trans ftm guys #everymanhybrid #evan myers #pathetic loser #trans ftm #autism #im autistic #slenderverse is my special interest ok #Im actually evan myers guys #habit hateclub #I hate habit #Habit should khs #silly little guy #emo boy

[kicktwine]

hi hello i was thinking abt it bc of ur posts on vani and ven recently. what are ur thoughts on what bits of feelings vanitas gets from ventus. i am. curious tm

hello. you are in so much luck because I’ve been thinking about them somehow even more bc I just received a zine and also get to see them soon again with my friend. Hi. Hello

i tend to think it works like a sieve. Vani’s heart isn’t healed over, so it thinks it should still be getting feelings from the other part of it, which it does if they’re strong enough. He can get REALLY specific with them too — Ven’s happy because Terra gave him a strawberry tart. Ven’s relieved because he had previously been nervous but Aqua told him a story so everything is fine. — but he only ever gets the good feelings consistently (because that’s what he’s missing), and only gets the bad feelings if they overflow. At which point it kind of becomes dangerous for the both of them because they can get caught in a feedback loop of negativity and push it way worse than it needs to/they originally wanted to be and overstimulate each other just on pure Feels Angry or Feels Bad. Because!! Also! Ven can feel what vanitas does Only if it overflows from his side, only if they’re close proximity, and only the really nasty feelings. Most of them slough off into unversed or chimera unversed so this rarely ever happens, and it only becomes a problem when they’re too close and too busy and too upset. Like their boss fight. u could probably feel the nasty energy radiating off them

anyways I was getting off track vani can feel positive emotions from ven a lot and he can only really understand them when they’re happening and he ceases to really get it once they leave. His negativity reacts to ven’s positivity like fire and wood. It’s like depression+sisyphus’ eldritch madness. yaaaaay. Like this

Vanitas genuinely hates him. For a lot of reasons not the least of which is it hurts him to keep being taunted and never given the reward. but in those moments of feeling happiness maybe he can pretend the feelings are his and cherish them for a moment…

#ven is burning him. he hates it #he’s got four years of bitterness pent up and released into monsters #his heart WANTS those feelings but it can’t hold on to them #likewise ven’s healing heart had a really hard time holding on to negativity. It makes him sweet but too passive #habits stick even if he isn’t instinctively driven to be detached and obedient anymore #LIKEWISE LIKEWISE!!! Vani should be allowed a full heart even if it’s pretty dark in there #because even a fully dark heart can experience the full range of emotions. They do get twisted but #anyways. Is late #ask #anon #oogh it’s really late. I’m scheduling this #kh #if they end up in a feedback loop and don’t consciously calm down it triggers rejection responses in both of em #meaning vani gets sick until he can get rid of all this excess unversed ingredience and ven gets panic attack/meltdown symptoms #they just freeze like oop. too far. BUT THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL ANGRY AT EACH OTHER SO THEY’RE STUPID AND SNAPPY #ven has to ride the feeling out entirely and vani tends to get rid of the whole thing thru 20 unversed so he feels Nothing for a bit

[doodlesfromthebird]

Hi, Canary! It's really nice to see you back. You've been one of my favorite internet artists since I found your work a few years ago, and I really admire your sense of character and costume design! I found you through KH, but I've since fallen in love with your original characters and story ideas, which are lovely. I was wondering if you had any advice for someone hoping to develop their own original characters and worlds. I've been trying to for a few years, but it still feels pretty daunting.

Hello!! Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I'm so glad! ^u^ I absolutely can give some pointers!

Here's a little guide with a few methods I've used to creating characters and developing the world they live in. I'm by no means a writer of any kind (I rarely create stories, and struggle with plot) but I am passionate about developing funky little dudes who live in your brain.

Designing a Character - Make a list. I somewhat recently compiled a document full of design elements, tropes, personality types, aesthetics I generally really liked to help build a small cast of characters I knew I’d have fun designing for. Think about your favorite characters in media and what you like about them! It could be a great jumping point to creating an OC you’re passionate about. That goes for relationship dynamics, too! 

Grab a handful of things from that list, 5 or 6 maybe, and there ya go!

- Make a moodboard. I’ve used this method to create characters based on A VIBE and building off that.

I’ve even figured out personalities just based on the “aesthetic text” I found associated with a color. Part of Cherri’s backstory and personality came forth simply because I kept finding Marina lyrics in pink. - Try using online dress up games! I used to use Dolldivine all the time to get creative. -  In addition to mood boarding, pinterest can also be a good resource for design inspiration with official concept art for movies/games and assets of those sort of dress-up games readily available. CocoPPa is a good example! [Let’s please respect the wishes of individual artists and either give credit when posting for inspiration or respect their wishes if they state not to repost their work at all.]  - In depth character creators in video games! Or simple ones! I’ve built up such an affection for even a few of my stardew valley farmers with their own personal bits of lore, they could probably be stand alone characters separate from the game at this point. Sometimes developing a character from an established setting can be a good base. Dig some of your old fan characters out of the closet, even!

Get to know your character

Getting to know your OC is one of my favorite parts of the process, and is something I find really important if you want to get attached to them. And you should!! The more these guys are on your brain, the more you start asking questions about them, and the more bigger details start to fall into place. - Go broad. Say you have the base concept of a character with their situation, their goal in life, their goal in the present moment, and the past/future that will effect them. What lies do they believe as truth? How has their childhood effected their habits and views? What's one secret they keep to no one but themselves? Who are the most influential people in their past and in their day to day life? - Go detailed. They're practically a roommate living rent free in your mind, so think about what a day in their life is like. Observe how they do small things. What are they eating for breakfast? How do they carry themselves when they walk? Nervous habits? What are they wearing to go to get quinoa from trader joes??? Detail what a few hours of what it'd be like to observe them, doing what they do every day and how they'd do it. - Give them an interview. Here's a blank bio sheet with a detailed list of questions that could be fun to fill out at your leisure! A lot of good questions to chew on. - Or quite literally give them an interview. Pretend they're sat down to answer some questions and think about how multiple characters would answer the same question. Do they overshare? Are they curt and to the point? Do they frequently lie and contradict themselves? What questions take them off guard? - Write about your own experiences. Giving characters traits and experiences you can speak from in a detailed  can really flesh them out as people and gives them that relatability. Even if they’re decidedly different from you as a whole, there’s that point of connection that anchors them to you.

Worldbuilding...ish

Developing a world is a little less easy for me to give advice on, as I’m very character oriented, so my worldbuilding is more of starting with the bigger picture and then filling in details that would affect the character directly, while some other things aren’t as fleshed out and water tight. (I’m working on it!) Some universes have more to them than others simply due to how much time I’ve spent with them over the years. But it’s important, a lot of fun, and gives all the more weight to the universe you’re developing.

- Research. If you’re like me and either have no writing experience or have difficulty pulling key world-building aspects from imagination, there’s a PLETHORA of resources to learn from, a lot of it free and on youtube, even. Make yourself a playlist, grab a notepad and sit yourself down to gather info, and map things out. If you’re, say, creating a country from scratch, look into places with a similar climate and how it affects what species live there. I’ve been researching dining etiquette and shipbuilding lately! It would be of great help to learn from writers as well, if you aren’t one yourself. There's A Lot of advice out there. - Ask cause and effect questions. I create a lot for the fantasy genre, so I get to ask questions like...”What does a world being shaped by the gods/guardians look like? How has their presence influenced the mortals they look after? Their culture, their customs, the way they communicate?  What’s the actual truth of ancient happenings and what has been passed down through a long, long game of telephone? What is the truth current day people believe about magic, technology and historical events? What kind of questions could you ask from the world you’re creating? -Appease your inner child. Think back on what captured your attention as a kid and how you experienced them through your eyes at the time. What sort of things did you feel experiencing your favorite games, movies or books that you can still tap into through a nostalgic lens? I feel incredibly attached to my The Spiral OC universe when I’m playing Legend of Zelda games, especially Wind Waker. The mood, the sense of adventure. The feeling of sailing the seas, the quietness of Windfall at night, the reverent silence when arriving at Hyrule frozen in time.  Those feelings have lent an atmosphere to the world I’d go on to create for myself, and still illicit a strong emotional response when I visualize aspects of it. the adventure, the monsters, the sweet and emotional tone, and the heaviness of ancient legend lost to time. - Immerse yourself in other people’s worlds. Get into a tabletop game podcast of your preferred genre! You’ve got high fantasy dnd, but there’s also plenty of sci-fi, modern fantasy, post-apocalyptic, and more. Listening to multiple people work together to build their world (sometimes as they go a long!) can really get that creative juice a-flowing.  Critical Role and The Adventure Zone are big ones, but I also recommend SkyJacks, Friends at the Table, Dimension 20, Dungeons and Daddies and JemJammer! Worldbuilding prompts/generators!  X X X I hope ANY of this was helpful, I’m happy to answer specific questions as well. 

#sorry for the delay in answering! #its my birthday go out and give ur OCs some love #INDULGE!! INDULGE I SAY #masterpost #character design #original character #text #letters to the bird

[alchemist-of-thebes]

KH OC Week Day 3

Here we go again, time for Day 3 for Velcia (KHx) and Velcia (KHII-Era)! 

Day 3: Friends or Lovers

◾Is your OC paired with someone? Who is important to them?

KHx-Era Velcia:

Owing to her own strange circumstances, upbringing, and the generally peculiar nature of her personality, KHx-Era Velcia had quite a few acquaintances and many touch-and-go friendships, but it wasn’t until she met a young man named Balthazar that she was able to find any real stable connection to someone else in Daybreak Town. Reserved and a bit odd in his own right, Balthazar was nonetheless capable in many ways that Velcia wasn’t and was very unaffected by her many more intrusive personal behaviors and habits that some considered a little harder to deal with. The two are the best of friends and inseparable - and each of their unique circumstances and the unfortunate carnage of the Keyblade War means that they have very little interest or capability to evolve their relationship further than that.

While the existence of her KHII-Era descendant does of course rather singularly assure that this hapless KHx-Era Velcia is eventually able to make a proper romantic connection and start a family of her own on Olympus, there is currently no information to be found as to the identity of her eventual sweetheart. (Though it is something that will absolutely be covered in a future story down the line)

KHII-Era Velcia:

When Velcia was young, she had several friends in Thebes but was closest with her cousin, Denerre. As she grew older, her Grandmother began to tell her of their family’s history and along with these stories came a very unexpected insistence that Velcia was not truly a part of Olympus or its people, and that she was meant to be greater than them. This sort of self-important mindset shocked the young girl, and it was one she and her father soundly rejected, but regardless the thought persisted in Velcia’s head that she did not belong. Passive-aggressive comments from her Grandmother both about and in some cases directly towards Velcia’s friends led her to eventually withdraw mostly to herself and keep her friendships private; though her hardy cousin Denerre was fine to shrug off the abuse and stick by Velcia’s side.

After tragedy struck and Velcia lost both her father and cousin during the events of KH:BBS, Velcia (14 at the time) began to live with her Uncle and Aunt and after some particularly cruel and manipulative comments from her grandmother she distanced herself from this poor influence. These cruel sentiments stuck with her all the same, and going forward Velcia found herself too afraid of losing others to be able to entertain relationships on any deeper level. While she would make a great many friends at the University where she and her Uncle studied, these friendships would generally fizzle out as her friends would move on to other things. Of course, it should come then as no surprise that the idea of becoming romantically involved with anybody was a prospect entirely off the table.

Thankfully for Velcia, once she meets Sam and Hinata she manages to quickly become fast friends with them on their travels, and she cares for them very much. While she is quick to pour everything she can into helping her friends, it takes a long time for her to learn to let them in to help her in return; and it’s not until after making a mistake that nearly costs Velcia her own life that she begins to really entertain the notion that she should be accepting of their affections as well. Still, it is a concept that takes some time and practice for her. Hinata, Sam, and a few others end up becoming great lifelong friends for her from this point. Additionally, I suppose I would be remiss to mention that on this journey she also meets with DiZ. Though they are not entirely on the same page at first, as the two grow to understand each other better their mutual passion for academia and general scholarly ways form a common ground; and she begins to look up to DiZ, and later his true self Ansem the Wise, as a mentor.

A couple years later (In the story I’m currently posting!), Velcia returns to the world of Eos (FFXV) and spends quite some time traveling with Noctis and his friends, and there finds herself opening up and learning a lot more about friendships, relationships, and what a healthy system of mutual support feels like when she is able to properly drop her personal defenses and open up.

#khocweek2023 #kh oc week #kingdom hearts #Velcia

[thistle-and-thorn]

I just watched Katharine Hepburn's 1936 "Mary of Scotland" and I was a bit surprised at how pro Mary it was? I barely know the basics of the Tudors and Stewarts, much less any particular knowledge about the historical figure of Mary herself. What do you think of Mary Queen of Scots? What's your opinion on Darnley and Bothwell? What about Moray?

Buckle your seat belt. Of course I have unreasonably strong opinions of this. And I haven’t seen the Katharine Hepburn movie though it’s all my favorite things and people (1930s historical dramas, KH, Tudors) in one place so I should.

I think a lot of popular culture is very sympathetic with Mary…There’s the play Mary Stuart which I Love very much but is very pro-Catholic in its approach (in response to the playwright’s problems with German Lutheranism rather than Anglo Protestantism). There’s the tv show Reign (?) and the recent movie with Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan which felt very pro-Mary as well. And I sort of get it…like she was executed, leaving behind a young son, and she had many spouses and a cinematic life. The contrasts between her and Elizabeth are appealing—a woman married three times disastrously compared to a woman who never married, Mary being younger and beautiful and fertile, the irony of James I becoming king of England later, etc Some of the way that Elizabeth is portrayed in these adaptions reek of the ca 2011 Taylor Swift “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women” brand of feminism. Which is…not how monarchy works lol.

My personal opinion of Mary is that you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. The more interesting parallel of Elizabeth and Mary to me is that they were both imprisoned at times when their religious affiliation and political position was dynamite. Elizabeth was imprisoned under her sister (also called) Mary, who was instituting an aggressive campaign of Protestant persecution, and Mary of Scots, under Elizabeth during a time of a lot of Catholic terrorism. Both were implicated in plotting to varying degrees of truthfulness and both were faced with a Queen who viewed them as existential threat because of their youth (and ability to have heirs), their sympathizers (including internationally, in Mary of Scots’ case), their claims to the throne. The difference is…Mary of Scots actually plotted to assassinate Elizabeth. The Babington letters and code are likely to be real. So. Like. There are consequences to that. I don’t know what to say. Elizabeth was extremely reluctant and cautious in handling Mary in the wake of her reign falling apart until she couldn’t be anymore. Elizabeth’s ruling style was very conservative…she didn’t make decisions quickly or lightly….which made her really, really effective but also could turn into indecisiveness and you see the benefits and detriments of that approach all over her handling of Mary. HOWEVER: You plot to kill someone, they’re probably going to kill you right back. So I’m not overly sympathetic with Mary in her political struggles tbh.

Her personal struggles on the other hand are different. Darnley was an asshole and killed her friend in front of her. This is wild. As to whether or not she had a hand in his death…like would we blame her necessarily. It is a 50/50 guess as to whether she was forced into marriage and sexual relations with Bothwell or not. Maybe she wasn’t but theres a solid chance that she was. These are horrible things and she was surrounded by horrible men who destabilized her position. That’s terrible and I’m sorry for it. I feel a lot of pathos for her personal life. I don’t have a strong opinion of Moray, except that I think he was smart about some things and stupid about others. He was a Protestant with a Protestant agenda and opposed Mary’s marriage to Darnley but knew enough to remove himself during Darnley’s murder. I don’t think he would have brought peace to Scotland lol. He had a habit of just…burning stuff to the ground lol. Which is a great authoritarian tactic and not maybe great for reconciliation.

Tracy Borman wrote about the gender of Mary and Elizabeth in a way which is sort of fascinating. Elizabeth played into her sexuality and femininity in certain ways—her dramatic dress, her appearance, and her flirtations with marriage and symbol as the object of courtly love. But she existed in a politically androgynous state—she was often called “the female prince,” drew strong parallels between her and her father, referred to herself as a King. She dominated the men around her in interpersonal interactions. She did not marry (even men she probably loved like Robert Dudley) or have children. Mary’s performance of gender was much more traditional and a lot of her biggest political disasters, like her marriages, are described as being the result of her passions and being “weaker” than the male power players around her. Elizabeth’s refusal to have heirs prevented immediate instability while also causing a lot of uncertainty. Mary’s son provided a future in a way, but also was the result of terrible persona situations that contributed to her downfall. No woman can win lol. I think we see this gender contrast, in some ways, in how they’re treated in fiction.

anyway, thank you for indulging!

#asks

[eradicatetehnormal]

Okay So I Watched Some of the 6 Hour "Riku Is Gay" Video

Disclaimer: I only watched the KH1-2 sections, the KH3 section, and Sora's Comphet section. Also, I already agree with the preset that Riku is a queer character. Sorry guys, but he is.

Personally, I think it's a good video. It's not overly malicious or angry and the evidence it presents is actually really good, though I'm in the queer spaces of the KH fandom so I've seen most of it.

I really only have 3 major issues:

The video is way too fucking long. Something like this would have benefited from being a multipart series. Also, if all you wanted was condensed proof that Riku is "gay" that's really only a 30-40 minute video. This leads me to my next point.

The title is very misleading. This isn't just a video about Riku's queerness. Hell, there's an entire portion of the video called "Sora's comphet." Most of the KH2 section is dedicated to how passionate Sora is about finding Riku. This video should not be called "Riku is gay (and why it matters)", it should be called something like "SoRiku is canon actually (It's more than a ship)" or "The queerness of KH and why it's essential."

This video has a habit of minimizing Kairi's importance to Sora. Like, they try to give the disclaimer that they don't think Kairi means nothing to Sora, but it's hard to buy it. In the KH2 section, for example, they bring up that Sora doesn't ask about Kairi until he realizes she's been captured by the organization. That's the thing though, for most of the game Sora knows where Kairi is. He saw her drift away with the islands in one and he finds out when she's been captured in 2. Don't forget he also dropped to his knees for Kairi when Saix comes to tell him what happened. Does that disprove any potential queerness Sora might have? No, especially with the scenes of the reunion. "Kairi, you've changed, but we'll always be friends :)" "RIKU OH MY GOD *cries and gets on the floor* I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!" Really it's more of a personal belief that shines through that the romantic love interest has to single-handedly be the most important person to you that sets me off. Though, I don't solely blame Mr. "Whatever his name is" for that. It's more of a "we live in a society" thing.

Aside from that, most of my criticisms are nitpicks. The structure is hella off with the video. He starts off by stating his beliefs and then giving the evidence. Like, dude, you have to lead with the evidence and then tell people what it means. Anyone who's skipping through the video and doesn't already agree that Riku is queer is going to get frustrated watching it and feel compelled to not take it seriously. Especially since the video is 6 fucking hours.

Arguably the KH3 and Coded sections aren't needed. The KH3 section is just theory and conjecture that he could've saved for the end of the video and the Sora and Riku of Coded are different characters than regular Sora and Riku. Can they give us insight into their relationship and their feelings? Yes, but ultimately, their circumstances are different. Feelings can manifest one way in one context and a whole other way in a different one. Regular Sora and Riku have enough evidence all on their own to carry a video.

The novel should have honestly been its own section. People are not compelled to take that seriously. It's cool that Nomura himself was impressed with the writer's understanding of the characters and had her write the novels so far, but that doesn't mean she never takes any creative liberties. It's also worth pointing out that Nomura IS NOT the only writer for the series. He's not even the main writer for the games.

Bro, you're gonna bring up the scene where Namine comes to Riku about getting him to use the darkness but not bring up the aggressively gay scene before that where Zexion makes himself look like Sora in order to defeat him because Zexion knows that Sora is his potential weakness?

But yeah, the vid has a few glaring issues, but it is great. I'm happy something like this exists where we can get all the major SoRiku talking points in one place. No hate to this man, especially for something like this.

#kingdom hearts #kh #riku is gay #he belongs to us #THE QUEERS #get over it #Youtube

[spiritus-aberrare]

Naamah - Part 2

Naamah has long enjoyed a reputation as one of the most sensual and virtuous Demonesses of sacred sexuality. She has even been depicted within fictional literary works such as the novel Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey as a gracious divine mother goddess, inspiring within Her children passion, desire, and an appreciation of sexual pleasure. This portrayal of Naamah is rather accurate as She is a goddess to whom all matters of human sexuality are sacred gifts. One is reminded of the line delivered by the Great Goddess of Wicca in which She says, “all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals”. This is perhaps a perfect sentiment for Naamah. Those who seek Her mysteries should bear in mind that to appreciate the joys of the flesh is to pay homage to Naamah.

Primary Name: Naamah

Other Names: Na’amah, Nahemah, Maamah, Nahemoth

Mythological Source(s): Kabbalistic and Occult Traditions

Title: Demon Queen, Bride of Samael, Queen of the Earth

Role: One of the Four Demon Queens, Demoness of Sacred Sexuality, Protector of Women and Children, Goddess of Love

Sacred Animals: Bull, serpent, dog, lamb, owl, goat, sow, dove, rhinoceros

Mythical Beings: Gnomes, dwarves, elves, gorgons, minotaurs, succubi

Zodiacal Sign(s): All Earth Signs, especially Taurus

Planet(s): Earth, Venus

Element(s): Earth (Primary), Water (Secondary), Fire

Direction: Northwest (Kabbalistic), North (Traditional), East (Biblical), South (Agrippa)

Colors: Black and yellow

Soul Part: Guph (The Physical Body)

Sense: Touch

Musical Key: F

Kabbalistic World: Assiah

Kabbalistic Hell: None

Kabbalistic Palace of Hell: The Seventh Palace

Tree of Life Attributions: Malkuth

Qliphothic Habitation: Lilith (Queen of the Night)

Associated Demons: Lilitu

Vowel: A

Sounds: k, kh, g, gh

Environment: Geosphere

Season: Winter

Magickal Words: Psychompoiaps, Demogened, Zenobiothiz, Nerxiarxin

Consort: Samael

Children: Asmodeus (Speculative)

Parentage: Unknown (perhaps Rahab)

Trees: Oak

Herbs: Lily, olive, wheat, peach, fig, vervain, mallow, almond, honeysuckle, lemon, coriander, watercress, spinach, fuchsia, clover, mistletoe, iris, hyacinth, lilac, cherry, myrtle, daisy, pansy, periwinkle, apple, rose, thyme, verbena, corn, ivy, willow, cereals, oak

Stones: Quartz crystal, sapphire, garnet, carnelian

Incense: Dittany of Crete, storax, black copal, vetiver, sandalwood, musk, patchouli, oak moss, rose, myrrh, ambergris, benzoin, clover

Metals and Minerals: Bismuth, copper, red brass, green lapis, pearl, coral, glass

Tarot Cards: The Empress (Planetary), The Hierophant (Zodiacal), Judgment (Kabbalistic), the four Princesses, Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles

Ailments: Mental illness, bowel complaints, joints and bone disorders and injuries, reproductive difficulties and disorders, menstrual pain, sexual dysfunction, growth problems, hormonal disorders, throat and neck conditions and injuries, lethargy, sexually transmitted diseases, stomach and digestive complaints, cancer, numbness, diarrhea, constipation

Bodily Government: Excretory system, skeletal system, reproductive organs (especially the female reproductive system), throat and neck, tissues

Sins: Lust

Vices: Inertia, hypersexuality, gullibility, self-undoing

Virtues: Discrimination, skepticism, self-control

Holy Days: May 14 (Zodiacal), April 30 (Walpurgis Nacht/Beltane – Northern Hemisphere)

Time of Day: Midnight

Chemical Element: Sulphur, Antimony

Alchemical Process: Congelation

Symbolism: Circle, Alchemical glyph for Salt, inverted triangle, equal-armed cross, key, cube

Chakra: Root

Ritual Tools: Magickal circle, salt, altar, chalk, wax, lectern

Drugs: Hashish, aphrodisiacs

#goddess #naamah #sex #magick

[jmkitsune]

Hihihiihi

I wanna ask 76 through 85 ☺️

Pretty please 🙏 ☺️ 😇

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Communication

Consistency

Compromise

Understanding

Encouragement

Accountability

Shared Desire/Mutual desire

Choosing to make it work everyday

77: How can I win your heart?

talk to me, like shared personal time/interaction is a love language I thrive with- I'm EXTREMELY anti social but someone makes me wanna spend more time with them in spite of my wanting my alone time= good shit

take GENUINE interest in my stuff (like I'm a creator so like...show interest and engage with things I make and all that, be it my writing, my tabletop stuff, gaming, whatever- show me that you're not just passively /letting me have my hobbies/work- take active engagement in it so we can share it

be yourself and let me be MYSELF- like I understand no one is perfect and no one should CHANGE for anyone but like if I get the impression you're faking yourself to impress me or hiding parts yourself cause you think I won't like that- it says you don't trust me and that hurts, just be yourself, it'll work itself out or it won't promise, it's better that you're yourself and I dislike you vs you trying to be someone else and I like that VERSION of you causing you to hate yourself- I'm not worth that kinda trouble

be smart, and i don't mean just BOOK SMART but like be able to TALK to me about stuff- I'm political, I'm invested in world events, I'm deeply invested in the media I consume as well as the media I create and such- I want to have CONVERSATIONS not surface level small talk- yay tism, I obsess over things so if I can't have ranting conversations about it with someone...I don't speak at all, but also - like I love when someone is smarter than me at something because then through osmosis of conversation/interaction i learn from them

be creative, like can't gussy this one up but, I can't stand "dull people" who have no spark of imagination or anything, which doesn't mean some people don't HAVE it- it means some people actively choose to ....not engage it.

ACCEPT day 1- I'm boring. I am predictable and routine (like even down to my eating habits I have the same things every day), I am not exciting/thrilling, I am not adventurous and know that I'm the homebody I wanna be a stay at home husband who works on his books/tabletop games for people, maintains his home, streams video games and loves his partner, oh and maybe has a shiba inu/husky and some cats lol if that's not what you're into- im not for you- no main character energy here. I am just someone who wishes that we'd stop living in "historically interesting times"

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

no I reject the idea that "insanity brings on creativity" because I believe it is insanity that got us to the point where we are now.

Einstein never said it but the idiom is true- insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

To stop trying to fit into boxes I don't belong in for people who wouldn't want me as I am

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 and 1/2

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

I don't wish for a tombstone, I actually wanna have a jedi funeral pyre when I go

82: What is your favourite word?

probably "wicked"

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

KINGDOM HEARTS (ive been hyper fixating on the KH wiki recently...)

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

"fuck"

"what the fuck"

"goddamit"

"alrighty..."

"hmmmm" (like the witcher)

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

don't let me be misunderstood

gratze for all the asks :D

[lpfreakification]

Xmas (+ work) was ok

Work was surprisingly slow this year. Guess people did their shopping, are broke, traveled, + the wind chill's been brutal. Had 4 or 6 deliveries.

The main adventure was picking up KFC for my coworker in the middle of the shift. I like it when they send me on an errand/mission/side quest XD it's a nice break from monotony :)

*chops my nails off*

(Much better for texting!)

The KFC crew was playing a certain Mexican xmas song in the back.

Me: "Oh no!" XD

KFC lady: "What's wrong?"

Me: "oh! Nothing at all! It's just that song reminds me of my childhood."

KFC lady: "I'll go change it."

Me: "no no no no no, its actually a funny memory. When I was a kid, on the way back from xmas parties, I'd use to rock my head back + forth to this song."

I just keep smiling + thinking of the many times I've done that 😂 I dont like showing my interest of the song in front of fam. Every time they bring it up, they like to rub it in my face in a way. Thus, I frown. Its definitely a guilty pleasure.

When I got home from work, I went straight up to my room. People were in the house XP I knew it was coming but I really dont like to interact with family (when they're physically present). I wont say my reasons again bcuz it's too long.

Instead, I wrote + painted my brothers' names on yellow envelopes. I placed a Dunkin gift card for Elias + 5 packs of pokemon cards for Freddy. Then I wanted to do something shiny for my sister's husband. It helped me avoid people :P

The hour b4 midnight, I ate posole, French silk pie, + brownies. I found two pillows + a hidden corner behind the wine cabinet for me to lay there. For some reason, I kept tapping my foot. I figured out that it wasn't really anxiety (only a little bit) but it felt sorta meditative. It's not the 1st time I felt this sense of peace from foot tapping. (1st time was at a different church).

When midnight struck, everyone came up to the tree. I had to stand + say hi. Didn't look forward to that. I just stood there disgruntled. I snoozed as the little kids opened their presents 1st. Then it was the adults' turn.

I got:

Smoothie skittles

Starburst

A fancy candy apple

9 pairs of food socks XD

A nice fitting brown jacket from Super-Dry X3

Blue gloves

A kh coaster

A blue kh shirt :)

A gray long-sleeved shirt

A red sweater closely resembling my OC

A makeup palette? (I am 100% not a makeup person XP + definitely the least favorable thing I've been given. Luckily the giver already left b4 I opened that. Just, no.)

A fancy winter coat

A corgi sticker :3

A book about the FAQ of the universe

I gifted myself 4 hand sanitizers from Bath + Body Works, 2 yaoi manga, + OHSHC stickers :D

I definitely remember not taking my meds on purpose this morning as an excuse to really sleep in (better not ever make a habit of that). I nearly mistaken my q-tip box for my medicine box. I dreamt of my parents dropping me off to a gang school + i was pursuing a former classmate to retrieve a textbook that they've "borrowed" from me. It definitely felt like hours wandering around the same building.

I woke up, ate some more posole, + played two rounds of Jumanji XD that board game really does make you exercise.

"We should play that more often." XD

I continued with watercolor experiments again until I got hungry again. Ate, finished choosing a certain blue watercolor, + been lazy-ing around watching cat videos X)

Now that that's done...

ITS TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!

KINGDOM HEARTS: BIRTH BY SLEEP

*sets up game*

(Let's go!)

#life

[catboyelimgarak]

Omg that sounds like such a freakin hassle;; I'm so glad that I already had a 3ds by the time I bought DDD (I was... a few years late) BUT THEN they did that package release thing, and I got those. Thankfully I have a ps4 and that's what I play them all on;;

But No I totally understand that for a good while there you can kinda guess Nomura might have had some of this planned. Tbh I'd guess maybe he had kh1, kh2, COM, and Days planned out, but after that it became a mess and more contradictions started popping up. He normally is pretty good at having it tie back into the story in some way (like the inclusion of Terra Aqua and Ventus), but he also has this dumb habit of raising SO MANY QUESTIONS, giving us answers to like, 2 in the next game, THEN GIVING US EVEN MORE!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BLACK BOX!! WHY IS XIGBAR LIKE 3 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHERE IS MY BABY BOY DEMYX!! But maybe I've just been so used to his bullshit because I've literally been playing (or... watching my dad play for a bit there) since I was 3, and I'm so intrenched into this story that I don't even care what he does with this anymore. Like I have no clue what the fuck the plan for kh4. What the fuck even is Quadratum. Why is this weird lovechild of Riku and Noctis that showed up in an in-game ad actually relevant?? AAAAAAAA

Tho, going back a tad, I guess there still is the argument that he only intended for kh to be a one game thing because the whole "there's only one keyblade and it chooses it's weilder" thing from kh1 was so quickly scrapped omg

Also I totally get not wanting to play Re:Com bc the gameplay... well tbh I'm one of the weirdos who doesn't really mind the card based system but also I have to be in a Very Specific Mood to play it. Which sucks bc I honestly think it has some of the best story in the entire series. It also gives us Larxene aka my best bitch.

Sorry omg I talk waaay too much esp about stuff I like I'm sorry I'm bothering you;;;;

I made another post on my main blog that holds this one, and honestly, Nomura possibly did think KH would be an only one perhaps, but somewhere in there he got inspired to make another and then fell down the rabbit hole. Because if you compare the first game to all the others, it has a totally different tone and feel to it, thus making it so much more magical and whimsical than the serious sequels/prequels that just further confuse us lmao.

You’re not bothering me at all!! I can talk ages about this fucken dump truck of a series! You should hear/see me and my friends talk about this in person as we are introducing out other friend to the series (she was gifted the game by our other friend, the 1.5/2.5 remix ones when it went on sale a few months back)

It’s always good to see fellow Star Trek fans who are into more similar stuff 👀

#answered #sorry for the late replies tho I’ve been watching KH explainations videos ahfkabfkajfa

[bananaapplewaffle]

Book Four Part Two: The Schemer of the Scalding Sands

Let's go Besties

WHAT WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO

GET CAPTURED?

GANG GANG GANG WERE BACK

You know what

for funs

I'm gonna image that we got our own little Octavinelle dorm uniform

ANIMALS????

THERE WAS AN ANIMAL

There he is!

The animal!

THE WHAT FEE??

Oh? Lemme get a slice.

Found the Lucky Emblem

Ah didn't get to hypnotize him yet

Kalim: "Ion what you said but thanks!"

Damn helping us did give him a good angle to get in the goods with Scarabia.

Kalim, he's a little slimly...

I love these three

Spreading it like cream cheese

Well Jamil you can't say shit now, he's done brought his family name into it

Girl is that a lucky emblem in the fountain

Are

Are we all sharing a room?

ALS;KDSALK

GRIM HAS A CUTE ROUND LITTLE SILHOUETTE

Correct.

A LIL SEALIE

Oh girl not talk in qoutations

oh god here we go

I wanna come!

Gang gang we in this bitch!

MANCALA???

MANACALA!!!

CORE MEMORY UNLOCKED

There goes the Aladdin bit

LET'S STEAL

Them gears start turning too fast and his brain overloads.

GIRL NOT THE UNIQUE MAGIC

GIRLLLLL

"Do you know...the Muffin Man?"

Damn what the fuck Floyd

might make this into a ficlet ion

Damn lemme play in Grim's place

Damn Floyd

Actually I can't say that

I was the same way

If you weren't on my radar then I really didn't know you existed

ASDLDKL;ADKL;DASKL

GRIM

Besides the NDA

Drop it like a bad habit, smart words

at this point Jamil, just disown your family

Girl the teeth done came out

pink plink plink my bros

Azul, I will hit you.

oh wow

a one time use on that person then never again

covering his damn tracks

IM NOT EVEN THERE LEAVE ME ALONE

Oh thank god

oooooh his room is so pretty!

THE JAMIL SUPPORT SQUAD

LMAO

okay but how is Kalim gonna eat tho...

Had my mans Floyd in the kitchen

Awww they seems so excited

like

"i made this good ass soup, please tell me its delicious."

See Jamil

You coulda have had this working better if you worked with Kalim's ADHD

oh girl help its a twisttune

GIRL HELP THE BOUGIE POD DIED

okay we're good

OH GIRL YET ANOTHER ANGLE

ANOTHER THING TO ADD TO THE LOUNGE

Yeah Jamil, regardless of your parents, you really should let Kalim do things

Okay, and that's more than he usually does, leave him alone

awww friendship

WHAT THIS KINGDOM HEARTS

Divination?

....

I only remember KH lore so ion

Oh here we go!

UNDER THE SEA?

ARE YOU GONNA KILL THEM?

SEE THAT'S THAT VIRGO SHIT

When Jade just got done saying that Azul always has his guard up so mind games won't work on him

well...

WAIT

AZUL GOT SHIT ON CROWELY

HE NEW BEST FRIEND

I can't believe a virgo would do something so foolish

Villain Behavior

LIVESTREAMED

ITS BIG OVER

AWWWWW

Y'all need to stop playing

I FUCKEN KNEW IT

AHAHAHAHAHAH

FLOYD WHAT THE FUCK

DAMN Y'ALL SMART AS SHIT

Thank you, I know.

...

the sun's gon gloomy

the denial

girl it's finna rain

OOP GIRL WE DESTROYING SHIT

This voice is the funniest shit please stop it

JAMIL WHAT

YOU WANT HIM GONE GONE

Well you're free alright

Girl lemme call Dire

"Dire we got a motherfucken shituation"

all this in the hallway mind you

they really said back to back fight

Nah mans said whoope

pack it up

DAMN WHAT THE FUCK

Girl we go any further and its gonna start breaking down like the assassin creed games

thank god

and here's the rain

I'm a virgo, what am supposed to do lie?

JADE WHAT THE FUCK

Everyone is this school is a lil bad tbh

GIVE'EM THE OLE DICK TWIST

AZUL

AZUL AZUL

AZUL AZUL AZUL

SLDK;ASKDASLD;KASDL;ADSK;ASKL;L

nooo i wanna ride on Azul...

wanna see the octoman

awww

damn that man is slow everywhere he go

period he is a coward

GIRL THAT FUCKEN FACE

AAAAAAAA

ABUSE SPOTTED

FOOLISH?

damn...really was just given the seat of housewarden...

This is the type of thing where

even if Kalim understands

he still has to play the role he's been playing

due to his parents...

oh girl itsa downpour

WELL SHIT

GIRL THE CALLOUTTTTTT

OH MAH GOD

Kalim gone head and punch him

Floyd please

...

okay yeah Grim was looking a little possessed

I love this non-friendship between Jamil and Azul

OMG GIRL

IT TOOK YALL THIS LONG TO RESPOND

MY IDIOTS IN CHRIST

Yes, these are my monkies.

PIZZA AND PASTA

OH WE FINE DINNING

KALIM TRYING TO TEACH AZUL HOW TO DANCE LOLOLOLOL

girl didn't even do our job and we were at the cafeteria at one point...

LILIA WHAT THE FUCK

MALLEUS????

OMG THE TITLE SAYS IT ALL

IM READY FOR YOU RICKY RAT

I wonder if they used the same voice actor from kh

3 times?

????

man they just really didn't know what to do with the rat huh

A tan?

A choice of words

EPEL

Mang leave Epel alone

Well... that sure happened

Book 4 basically ended like

Jamil: I fucking hate you, Kalim.

Twisted Ramblings

#waffle plays twsted #scarabia #jamil viper #kalim al asim #azul ashengrotto #jade leech #floyd leech

[oveliagirlhaditright]

So, since Ephemer surely didn't end up with Skuld now, sadly (though some are theorizing there could somehow be two Skulds running around like there are two Brains so he could have, maybe? Also, I still say Xehanort's mother looked a lot like Skuld, so maybe she and Ephemer could have ended up somehow and she's their descendant; who knows at thus point?), what if Ventus/Skuld ends up being the pairing? LOL If we get any kind of ship out of either of those characters, I mean.

What if that was the point of the two of them playing in the snow together in KHUX? What if it was supposed to be shippy? That did kind of make me ship Ven/Skuld for, like, two seconds in KHUX before I went back to Ephemer/Skuld, but what if we were supposed to ship them there?

A lot of people think Skuld/Subject X will be paired with Lea or Isa (before Nomura is then killed by the fandom for breaking up A*kuSai, I joke). But what if she's not? Especially since we don't even know if she'll have aged, wherever she is. KH has a bad habit of not aging characters who have been in other realms.

Anyway, some food for thought.

Also, I should note that I'm not being entirely serious with this post (even though it surely seems like it). Tbh, I really wrote this as a joke--at least initially--even while explaining all the ways it COULD maybe work.

And now I'm struck that maybe it actually could. I still 100% doubt it, but it could.

[erosislost2]

The Flower and the Bee

Love

is the feeling I have for the only man who makes my heart twist.

He takes my heart and molds is back together after it has been shattered.

He takes the wilting flowers and brings them back to life.

He kisses the mental wounds I have earned through my life.

He is a winter’s day with a pet, a cup of cocoa, and a fireplace.

He is the way my favorite movie makes me feel.

His gentle hold on my heart makes me coo and sigh in delight.

Love is a simple yet difficult thing.

Love is full of irony, hurt, and comfort.

He treats me like a king and teaches me how to retain that confidence when he is missing.

I am confident because of his teachings.

He teaches me self love and how to be myself.

He allows me to be my own person without him.

He stays in my life even when absent.

He remains in my mind and even while gone teaches me how to be strong.

My lover is a man of tough love, hard as a rock yet as soft as the grass underneath. 

He understands not how to be completely gentle, but how to guide me to the comfort of his arms.

Many will not understand that he does not show pda.

Many will not understand that he is shy in ways.

He is mindful and understanding of my emotions.

But he also makes sure to tell me his own.

My lover is a man of many things.

But he is no coward to the difficulties of communication.

He searches for what hurts me and asks how to heal it.

He is violent to those to hurt me, but he understand when to stop.

He is possessive but allows me freedom.

He knows he cannot control me and loves me for such.

He loves all my flaws even when they annoy him.

He is my bee, I am his flower.

He pollinates my self confidence and I bring his love to life.

he is my bumblebee.

I am his lily of the valley.

We grow amongst each other.

Equal.

He may sit on the throne but I advise him from behind it.

For he is my king but I am his loyal, regent knight.

Equal.

Our relationship is equal.

We both have the same amount of power.

And I love him for the way he guides me out of unhealthy habits.

Many will say I should view him as the sun,

However, he is not my sun, for I could live without him but It would be with another. 

For he is my bee, and I am his flower. - Eros KH

#mlm poetry #nblm poetry #mlm cottagecore #nblm cottagecore #cottagecore #flowers and bees #Eros kh poetry #im so gay help #hes mine #ILYSM #ilhsm <3 #afjkfnaijnkj gay panic time #please hold me #tough love <3 #kiss me pls

[askcarla]

Hi what would t do if he find out his s/o actually had a habit of ending her sentence with nya and addressing the people she closed with by their name without any formalities at all or by Chan but with t she still addresses than with San or sama and never end her sentence with nya and 1 day they see her talking happily with her friends without any formalities and ending her sentence with nya and she spotted t called them with San and introduced them to her friends and they are her lover and her friends was like really u seems a bit stiff around him how long have u been dating him a year nya and when t question her about why she talk in a formal and stiff way and never end her sentence with nya she like now that u mentioned it I wonder why oh when I first met u and I tried to find out what u like and u slap me and said u lowly human don't have any right know anything about me and speak so familiarity with me so I never did I was really surprised when start to tell me what u like and start talking to me about what I want I thought u wanted nothing to do with me at all other than used me for your I feel like it strange we even become lovers

Will they feel kinda sad,jealous,regretful on how the way t initially treated her has prevented them fully bonding like lovers should since in the 1 year t knew her she nice and sweet but didn't really initiated any personal questions about t at all and treated them more like a lord,king instead of a lover and seems a bit distant and cautious with t will they feel a bit insecure like maybe she doesn't love him even thought she does she just not pushy about it how will they react I bet Carla will outright confront her and start being jealous and clingy since he sweet and honest and caring to the people he loves and wants their love and attention as well

Khー...although it is true that our relationship has changed a lot depending on the past but...

it does not mean you have to force yourself not to be casual in front of me.

Sharing personal thoughts of each other...and having fun included in ‘To-Do things’ of lovers, yes?

Then forget what happened 1 year ago and stop attituding like an unknown one towards me.

K: IDK, what will be Shin’s reaction...I m not that gd in analysing him soー 💀🤞

#shin is my boy but... #idkkkkk #i m mostly hanging over carla and reiji #mostly carla #compared to reiji #diabolik lovers #carla #carla tsukinami #ask

[goblinconceivable]

oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing.  (I can’t be the only one who does that...)  Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again.  And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there.  Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it.  Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first.  I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show.  Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.)  Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy.  Like, WTF was that about?  I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching.  First couple seasons: brilliant.  Downhill from there.  But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together.  One hot second and bam.***  Every.  Time.  Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least.  But these two, nope.  And know what?  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH.  I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one.  And Izzie got the short stick.  Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen.  There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.  

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.)  Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to.  She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle.  It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off.  In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character.  When did KH ask to be let out?  If it was after this point, Shonda svcks.  I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth.  Because he’s not really in a real relationship.  I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful.  Which is most of the time, so they gave me that.  I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.”  Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts.  Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie.  I love that he loves her the whole time.  But he’s willing to step back.  He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean.  But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows.  Izzie doesn’t make him.  She entices him.  Yeah, often directs him, especially at first.  But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily.  And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards.  He reaches out to her a lot.  And she turns him aside a lot.  And he keeps loving.  Even if romance is off the table.  He runs after her a lot.  Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot.  Is understanding a lot.  He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook.  Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct.  I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water.  (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker.  Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me.  Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny.  They’re all standing around.  No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her.  In a really caring way.  And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh?  (Mebbe?)  And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly.  And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie.  I don’t think he even wants to stop.  Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine.  But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged.  But also born.  Stars uncrossed.  I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was.  Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because...  it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be.  She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside.  She knows.  She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually.  Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her.  Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him.  And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.  

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her.  I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it.  She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him.  The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync.  And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s.  And those two things weave into each other.  Kinda like rats and the food button.  When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.”  So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again.  And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter.  And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care.  She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in.  But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair.  There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her.  She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues.  But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny.  Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her.   The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope.  Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA.  Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives.  And I do think female character’s side guys have a  habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life. 

 At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman:  yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying.  Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love.  BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted.  1) That he desperately wants a family.  2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy.  Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first.  And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change.  But we didn’t.  So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that.  Something taken slowly!  We got to explore it.  Did feel a bit drawn out tbh.  But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess.  Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others.  This was their development for the season.  Which was mostly Alex.  But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well.  Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment?  Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more.  Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands.  And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that.  It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.”  She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient.  She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly.  And she’s still in charge.  She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay.  It’s going to be okay.  You don’t have to carry this on your own.  We have it now.  Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden.  And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring.  She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve.  Stages of grief ya’ll.  He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca.  He’s in denial that anything is wrong.  He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.)  He dives into bargaining.  She’ll be okay if he can take care of her.  He can do it.  He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression.  Not just Rebecca, but about his mom.  And Izzie approaches him differently.  In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend.  An equal.  Which is what he needs right now.  His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid.  Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed.  But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically.  Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information.  Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand.  And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex.  I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything.  And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way.  Bargaining again, I suppose.  “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.”  But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died.  Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person.  And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca.  And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment.  Of understanding.  She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else.  Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that.  How to process that in a way that feels manly to him?  Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing.  And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him.  He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories.  But also... stages of grief.  He needs to feel it, so he can accept it.  He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love.  Take out the romantic/sexual aspect.  Take out the friendship.  The trust.  The family.  Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love.  And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care.  Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho.  It’s such a wonderful foil.  Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see.  He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.”  (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself.  He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable.  He let Izzie get too close.  He’s afraid.  It’s all a tangle.  And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards.  So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5.  And actually they start out close.  They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her.  He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial.  And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.”  And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either).  Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact.  They don’t talk about it, it’s fine.  Pretending it did not happen.  But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped.  It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same.  Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer.  Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind.  That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others.  Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim.  It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it.  And he does feel super close to her.  But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light.  For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation.  I’m a bit stuck and going in circles.  If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously?  Doesn’t understand him?  I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak?  Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t.  But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person.  Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff.  But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman.  Were those scenes meant to be inverted?  Or is he going into this eyes wide open?  Trying to prove something?  He’s hurting her though, is it intentional?  Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up.  But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape.  Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self?  They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off.  Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him.  She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly.  And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him.  Though her barb about STD did hit him.   Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could?  He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight.  It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did.  They are incredibly close.  And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening.  He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda.  Follows her out into the hall when she leaves.  The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right.  And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too.  “Okay, ... I”m trying to be-  I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is???  Trying to not be emotionally stunted.  Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation.  Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand.  Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her.  And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her.  And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts.  ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.”  And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.”   Dad calls for son while kinda dying.  I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot?  And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares.  With a hefty does of potential regret.  It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested.  His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.”  He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.”  Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough.  But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more.  And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time.  And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome.  *sobs*  And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window?  And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No.  Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there?  They always say yes.  Eventually.  And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things.  It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life.  In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building.  He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting.  And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing.  I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything.  But he’s also not lying.  He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle.  He’d stay with Jo then out of...  ?  Halp.  The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable.  Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life.  It’s all happiness of them individually, not together.  But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse?  No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.  

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs.  Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo.  Also exposition.  References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie.  It scared him because...  ?  He focuses on the kids.  It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her.  Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight.  Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins.  It’s a free pass to perfection.  But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever.  I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie.  But that’s kinda tenuous.  It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for.  Izzie would for Denny.  In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings.  So in a way she gave up her life for Alex.  And never reached out to him but did respond when he did.  She picked up the phone.  Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones.  And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids.  I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle.  And he’s become a man who does the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish.  He one perfect thing is in Kansas.  And it’s the family.  It’s a family with Izzie.  And his kids.  It’s the whole package.  If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough?  Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.”  But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.  

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is.  He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction.  He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive.  Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things.  She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.)  Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary.  And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her.  He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth.  Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them.  He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot.  Maybe it’s a Miranda thing?  After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her.  He doesn’t need her like that.  And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate.  But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to...  come back for him.  To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back.  I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.  

Interesting point “we married...”  It’s a promise.  He starts with “I’m sorry.”  His breakup speech to her - rehearsed?  He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie.  So his dying speech was also fear based?  He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock.  To when is his mind taking him?  It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup.  It’s been months but that’s still recent enough.  So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.”  They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t.  That hasn’t changed.  

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her.  A happy, rich and full life.  He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it.  Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo.  Maybe it’s contentment?  Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows?  Meh.  Back to frozen.  He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life.  It’s immersive but static, a snapshot.  And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.  

Letter to Meredith.  “It’s about me.”  Which is sorta back to breakup speech.  It was about him, ending the relationship.  He didn’t deserve to be left.  And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids.  There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love.  So I’m torn.  Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love.  Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not?  Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married?  Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right?  Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

#alex x izzie #grey's anatomy #brain dump #meta #why couldn't i just leave well enough alone #and mess around with a vignette for funsies and a writing exercise #and not actually look at canon #because now i have feels #and am confused #and there are barriers to my feels #but it's okay i will live in my own little AU #and remember and know more than i did #given it was many many many years ago #i mean over 13 #right after season 4 started #izzex

[twilight-town-zombies]

A TAGGING GAME

Thank you for tagging @twileighplantssadism ❤

favorite color: blue has always been my most favorite; I'm also especially fond of purple and green

favorite foods: tacos, spaghetti and meatballs, cookie dough, pineapple dole whips

song stuck in my head: "Maybe It's Time" Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born - this played randomly on my playlist yesterday and it will not leave my head

last thing i googled: suicide squad sequel title

dream trip: I would love to travel to England, Ireland, and Scotland; I'd love to visit Italy and Germany again; I'd love to see Japan and South Korea

time: it's 10:39 pm right now, I should go to sleeeppp

tea or coffee: tea, but I do love the smell of coffee

last show i watched: Supernatural

currently reading: KH akrk fanfiction: Passion and Perfection, and Nozaki-Kun #6

currently watching: The Suicide Squad (sequel)

sweet, savoury, spicy: Sweet

last song i listened to: "Bad Habits" Ed Sheeran - which gives me Risem vibes

last movie i watched: Jungle Cruise in the theater, I really enjoyed, kind of Pirates of the Caribbean -esque

cravings: muffins?

hobbies: Reading, writing, drawing, painting, crafting, walking, hiking, visiting new places, trying to learn Spanish

feeling: sleepy, excited for tomorrow

Tagging the last few people in my notes, if any of you want to play! Zero pressure of course: @midriffmoors @argumentativebisexual @teddybear-93 @mirogeorgiev

#twilight town zombies #about me #tag games