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andy-solo1 · 1 year

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Heartache [Cassian Andor x Reader]

Cassian Andor x Reader

Part 1 of a 3 part fic for Cassian Andor x reader.

Warnings: Angst, Andor spoilers, brief mentions of suicide, cannon typical violence, mentions of death, cannon character death

Words: 4,554

Notes: This is the longest single chapter I’ve ever written and I poured everything I had into it. I really hope you all enjoy it.

* * *

“On program!” Kino yells and you quickly place yourself into position. You lost track of the amount of times you’d done this. The days spent toiling away, each passing by in an endless blur just like the day before. Hope was a nonexistent entity. Your only hope on any day was not being the team in last place.

You’d heard the whispers of an uprising. You’d seen the others communicating between floors, trying desperately to find a way out. But you knew it was a hopeless endeavour. There were only two ways of getting out of Narkina 5. By finishing your sentence and being freed, or in a body bag.

The officer on the level above shoved forward the latest poor soul to enter the compound and rode the small elevator down. You studied the new man, his brown eyes blown wide as he took everything in. You knew what he must be feeling, for you’d stood in his place once. And realising that this is what your fate was, was a crushing feeling indeed.

After the guard was gone and Kino gave his speech, the new guy moved in towards his table, the one next to yours as work started back up once more. You kept your eyes glued to the task before you, unwilling to let your group fall behind, to be the last team. Even as you focused on your task you could hear the murmurings of the group next to yours, curiosity driving you to pay some attention to what they were saying.

“What’s your name?” Melshi asked, probably already guiding the new guy into his work.

“Keef Girgo.” The man replied curtly, and that was the last you heard from the group as Kino snapped at them to get to work.

* * *

The flames flicked high into the sky, casting the world around you in a red glow. Your eyes strained to see anything through the flames and smoke. The same smoke that was filling your lungs, making each breath feel like another flame was burning within your lungs.

You screamed, looking all over to try and find your family. You knew they were here somewhere within the flamed wreckage of what had once been a peaceful village.

Someone far off screamed in pain and you thought you recognized their scream. You turned to go towards them when a tight, vice-like grip grabbed hold of your arm. You let out your own wailing scream of despair as the stormtrooper gripping your arm began to drag you out and away from your home.

You struggled against him with all your might, but he wouldn’t let go, rather he tightened his grip upon you. You were strong, working the soil all your life had taught you strength, but he was a trained soldier, he knew how to hold back someone who could be stronger than him. You were left weak and at his will.

The stormtrooper threw you onto a shuttle, a few others were on it with you, fellow villagers. All of them covered in soot and ash, fear blowing their eyes wide open, as you knew your own were.

Silence rang in your ears as the ramp to the shuttle raised and lifted up off the ground. Your stomach sank as the shuttle flew off, away from the fire, away from the remains of your home, away from your family.

You just knew you’d never be back again.

* * *

Keef Girgo, or rather, Cassian Andor, watched the proceedings of the prison in silence. A dull emotion had settled over him, and he wasn’t sure what it was. Hopelessness perhaps. Or, perhaps it was his resolve to find a way out no matter what, which was something he wasn’t entirely convinced wouldn’t just end with him dead. But he was willing to try.

So he observed the proceedings around him during his work shift, and even as he stood waiting in the walkways with the others in his group for the changeover of shifts, he observed. That’s how he saw one of his fellow prisoners making gestures out the window, and looking, he could see one of the other walkways, and a prisoner over there making hand signals back to the man on his side of the glass.

“What are they talking about?” Cassian asked quietly.

“Plans of escape usually, though I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Nobody escapes from here.” You whispered softly in reply. Cassian turned around to see you standing behind him, he froze for a few moments as he took in your features.

“On program!” Kino shouted, walking past the two of you and Cassian snapped back around, falling into position like the others. He knew he shouldn’t push boundaries, at least not on the first day.

“They are organising an escape?” He asked you quietly, keeping his eyes glued before him.

“They attempt to. It’s also just a way to talk between floors.” You replied quietly. “But like I said, nobody escapes, so don’t get your hopes up.”

“What other choice is there if not to try to escape?” Cassian asked. He could tell from the tone in your voice that your spirit was crushed. But he believed that escape was possible, and he was going to die trying if it came to it. He owed it to Maarva to try and get word back to her.

“Keep quiet!” Kino shouted from the front so loud Cassian almost missed your reply.

“Finish your sentence, or die in here.”

* * *

Days blended together for Cassian. He worked, trying to help prevent his team from coming in last everyday, and tried to work out escape plans with his fellow inmates who were already working on plans. At nights, before the floor would activate he would gather with the others and work out plans in hushed tones. Even though none of the prison guards would be listening in, they all agreed they didn’t need Kino yelling at them all for making up foolish plans, as he had a few times before.

Cassian was distracted from the conversation when he saw you walking past. He didn’t know why, but something about you just drew him to you.

Maybe it was the fact, that even though everyone here had a sense of hopelessness to them, especially so with the increased sentence times, you seemed to be so much more devoid of life than any of the others.

Leaving the conversation, Cassian stood outside the opening to your sleeping quarters, the one next door to his. You looked at him, quirking your brow in question.

“Why don’t you want to escape?” Cassian asked you. He’d asked the question of a few others, and mostly he’d gotten to learn that if they could, they’d want out.

“There is no escaping from here.” You replied flatly.

“And what if you could. Wouldn’t you want to?” He pressed. He didn’t know why he was so persistent with you. But he wanted to know you, wanted to know everyone around him really, but especially you.

“Do you have someone at home to go back to?” You asked him instead of answering.

“I do. I have my mother.” He replied. He looked into your gaze, and for the first time since he’d been there, he saw more than just blank despair. He saw pain, raw and true flicker across your features. As you opened your mouth to say something to him, a voice rang out above them all, warning prisoners to return to their cells before the floor became active.

You turned your back on him and he watched you for a few more moments before quickly moving over into his cell just before the lights went dark and the floor went live.

* * *

The shuttle landed down on some planet. You didn’t know where you were. You had never before left your home, never even left your village, and now, here you were, being ushered off a shuttle by stormtroopers, scared and practically alone. The other villagers were with you, but like yourself, they were all silent, fear and anguish gripping their tongues tightly.

The stormtroopers lead you all into a large building and had you all wait in a line before who you quickly came to realise was a judge. The stamping of the sentence tickets rang out in your head, like a guillotine dropping over the necks of everyone she sentenced.

Finally it was your turn on the chopping block as you stepped up before the judge. You repeated your name out to the judge before she read out your sentence, your stomach dropping out from your gut.

“Guilty of rebellion against the empire. Six years.” She stated, and down came the sentence stamp. The clang of the metal being engraved ringing in your ears as your whole body and mind went numb.

You awoke with a gasp in a pool of your own sweat. You could feel it across your back and dripping down your forehead. Standing up you stumbled forward to the edge of your cell, trying to get some cooler feeling air as you tried to shake the memory from your mind.

Your whole body shook as silent tears began to fall and you slid down the wall until you were sitting right on the edge of the floor. You let out a choked sob and you faintly heard the sounds of someone moving on the other side of the wall.

“Are you alright?” You heard someone whisper quietly and it took you a moment to realise it was Keef. You took a long, shaky breath before answering.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” You replied quietly, lying to both yourself and him.

“But, you are crying.” He replied, sympathy in his voice. You were both silent for a few moments after that. You turned your head to gaze blankly at the red lights on the floor as tears still flowed freely down your face.

“Have you ever lost anyone?” You asked, so quietly you weren’t sure he’d even hear you.

“Yes. I lost my father. And I’ve seen the deaths of others around me.” He answered honestly. “What about you?”

“I lost my whole family. I don’t know for sure if they died, but deep down. I know they’re gone.” You replied, voice cracking as fresh tears rolled down your face in heavy waves. “They’re all gone.” You sobbed. “My parents, my brother, everyone. They’re all dead. They’re all gone. I’ll never see them again and it’s all because of this blasted empire.”

You put your head in your hands and cried. You cried until you didn’t think any liquid was left in your body. Keef had been silent so long you’d almost even forgotten about him when he finally spoke up again.

“The empire is the reason my father died. The reason why I was not able to stay with my mother. They’re why I’m here now. I understand loss, but yours is a greater loss than I could know. I am sorry for that.” He said quietly. You knew he meant well, trying to comfort you, but the words fell hollow and heavy on your heart, so wrung through with pain that it surprised you when you felt a small flicker of warmth and appreciation for the man.

“Thank you Keef.” You whispered softly, wiping away the remainder of your tears.

“Cassian.”

“What?”

“My name. It’s not Keef. It’s Cassian. Cassian Andor.”

“Well thank you Cassian. And, your secret is safe with me.”

* * *

Something was deeply wrong. Everyone could feel it. Taga was frantically trying to communicate with the other floors as panic levels rose within everyone.

Panic gripped your heart like an icy vice, sinking its talons in deep and making your blood feel cold as it coursed through your veins.

“What’s going on?” Cassian asked from Taga’s side, looking out at the other floors despite not being able to translate the hand gestures himself.

“Something’s happening on 2.” Taga replied, panic lacing his tone as he continued trying to communicate with the others.

“Everyone calm down.” Kino ordered, though even he had a note of panic in his tone. That was something that worried you deeply. The floor manager never once showed panic or fear, but now. Now you knew things were really wrong if even Kino was impacted.

“What is going on?” Someone yelled.

“I don’t know. Something’s happening on 2 but nobody can say what.” Taga replied, more panic in his tone than before. You could practically feel the fear in the air now. Everyone was on edge and nobody knew what to do.

Suddenly the voice of your captors came over the speakers, calling for all prisoners to get on program or face consequences. Everyone was in too much of a panicked state to process the order at first.

“Get on program, now.” Kino ordered, pulling people away from the windows. Soon they were all complying, standing still with your hands on your heads.

“What happened?” Cassian hissed.

“Be quiet.” Kino snapped, not turning around to look at him.

“They’re all dead. They killed the whole floor.” Taga replied quietly. Shock fell through the group and you felt like you could breathe anymore. Each breath was an effort for you as you followed the others in the lineup towards your sleeping area.

Panic held you tightly in its clutches as your mind ran wild. The only reason you could think of for them killing a whole prison floor was that they found out that they, like those on your floor, wanted to find a way to escape.

Numbly, you barely even registered you were back standing before your cell, taking a few moments to realise where you were. Cassian started to walk past you and you snapped. You were beginning to care for the man, having had other late night talks with him when neither of you could find any comfort in sleep. And now, with these new events, you didn’t want the man to wind up dead, much less bringing all the others to the grave with him.

“You realise why they killed them!” You snapped, moving to stand before Cassian. He looked at you, slightly bewildered at your sudden change in mood and tone. He’d never heard you speak in more than a hushed tone, and definitely not with so much venom in your voice.

“Why?” He asked quietly.

“Because they must have found out they were looking for a way to escape. Why else would they kill an entire floor? You need to stop this, you’re going to get yourself and everyone else around you here killed.”

“We don’t know that that’s why they killed them all. And I’d rather die trying to get free then let them break me in here trying to work for a freedom that may never come.”

The blood was roaring so loudly in your ears that you didn’t hear the warnings for the floor. You didn’t hear Kino yelling for you to get into your cell, now.

The next thing you knew, your arm was being grabbed and you were pulled up against someone’s chest, just as the lights in the room went dark and floor went live.

Your breath came out in ragged gasps, the rage and anguish that gripped you before dissipating as you stared at the spot on the floor where you’d been moments before, the same spot of floor that now ran with an electrical current, set to kill anyone who dared touch it.

Slowly you turned your head to look up at Cassian. He still held a loose grip of your arm, hand just above the elbow. Your chests were nearly touching, but closest of all was his face, his mouth close enough to you that you could feel his breath fanning across you. Your heart thrummed in your chest, and you were certain that he could hear it. For the first time in a long time, you truly felt alive.

However, the moment was over before it could even truly begin as Cassian slowly let his hand fall back to his side and took a step back in the already small space. The pounding of your heart slowed back down and the feelings subsided, leaving you back to your bleak world, as though the colour had been leached back out of your life right after being able to see it again for the first time in a very long time.

“You can take the bed for the night since you’re stuck here.” He offered quietly, and you nodded mutely in response. All the emotions from before and the near death experience as well as the odd swell of emotions from being faced so close to Cassian left you feeling numb.

You lay down on the bed and find sleep a hard thing to come by. The events of the day left your soul feeling raw, and your heart feeling numb. Eventually your eyes became too heavy to hold open and you drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

The dreams were different this time. Rather than reliving the events as they happened, you could move around, and you weren’t sure if that was worse.

You watched as the stranger approached your village, injured and weakened. Your mother, always a kind woman with an open heart for anyone, helped the man into your home. You learned little about him, but it was clear he was hiding from something and despite protests on your part, your mother insisted on keeping the stranger and helping him.

Then they came.

You screamed and tried to stop them as they marched towards your home. They carried on walking, despite all your efforts and you watched helpless as they banged on your door. It was odd, seeing yourself opening the door, watching as your eyes widened in fear and called for your mother just as you had that day.

You disappeared from the doorframe and your mother appeared instead.

“What can I help you with?” She asked politely, calm even then.

“You are harbouring a fugitive of the empire. Return him and the punishment will not be as severe as it can be.” The leading stormtrooper replied.

“I’m sorry. We have nobody here like that.” Your mother replied, lying to the stormtroopers. You closed your eyes, tears falling because you knew what came next.

The stormtroopers searched your home from top to bottom, but found nothing because your mother had moved the stranger next door when reports came to her of the approaching stormtroopers.

The same stormtroopers who returned later that day and began to burn everything down.

You were helpless to do anything but watch as your brother stormed towards the Stormtroopers, begging them to stop and blocking them from getting to a home. The home of his Fiance that he’d so proudly asked to marry him just that morning and you’d all been so happy about. That happiness felt a lifetime away now.

A scream was ripped from your throat as the lead stormtrooper casually pulled out a blaster and shot your brother down. A single shot to the head and the stormtroopers stepped over the still warm body of your brother, smoke curling up from the wound, and began to set fire to the house. The screams from inside the home echoed in your mind as you stared down at the face of your brother, a look of fear and anguish permanently frozen on his features.

Once more you woke, drenched deeply in sweat. You were shaking and tears were rolling freely down your face. You exited the bed, stepping carefully over Cassian who was asleep on the floor and walked to the edge of the cell.

You leaned forward, staring down at the floor. Every nerve and fibre in your being told you to do it. All it would take was just one step. Then you could finally be free from everything. You lifted one foot and started to move forward.

A tight grip on your arm came suddenly and pulled you back into the cell and flush up against Cassian’s chest once more. His breath came in ragged gasps of panic across your face and you could see the fear in his brown eyes.

You broke down sobbing, burying your head against his chest as his arms moved to encircle you. He gently rubbed your back as you cried. He knew to just let you get it out of your system and wait for you to be ready to talk.

“I’m such a hypocrite.” You sobbed against his chest after a while, the tears had resided some, though you were still crying. “I was so mad about a whole floor being killed, but then I-” you broke off into sobs again.

“You are not a hypocrite. Hearing about the deaths of others is always a hard thing. And I don’t know what drove you to this, but I know you must have had your reasons.” Cassian replied quietly. He slipped a hand under your chin and tilted your head back to look at him “But please, promise me you won’t try this again. I care about you, and if that means nothing, then just hold onto the fact that if you can get one person to care, you could get someone who you care about to care too.”

It took you a while to process his words, gazing up into his soft brown eyes, you could see the care he’d come to hold for you in the time he’d been here shining in his gaze. You leaned in closer, heart pounding in your chest in a different way that it had been before. Cassian closed the final distance between the two of you.

His lips were soft and warm against yours as your eyes fluttered shut, leaning into the kiss. You moved your hands up to hold the back of his head while his hands moved to cusp the sides of your face. Everything about the moment was pleasantly warm, and that warmth filled your heart, chasing away the lingering curls of the sadness from before.

Eventually the two of you parted, though still remained close in each other's arms. You opened your eyes to look up at him, and saw a small smile curling his lips. A smile came to your own lips.

“Please, promise me you’ll stay for me.” He whispered softly. “Don’t leave me.”

“I promise.”

* * *

Your heart was racing in your chest as you followed Cassian and Kino through the halls. Adrenaline fueled you and the three of you ran towards the command centre. So far, Cassian’s escape plan was actually working.

Ulaf’s death had spurred things into action and now, now that freedom was so close you could nearly taste it, you actually felt hopeful.

Cassian kept you close to him as you went. He carried a blaster and took out any guards you came across for you. He knew you couldn’t handle killing anyone and he wasn’t going to force you to make that choice.

When you reached the command room you stuck close behind Cassian, listening as Kino made his speech. Everything Kino said set your blood ablaze, giving you a newer will to get free.

When the three of you left the room, you were all chanting, so was everyone else in the building.

“One way out!”

“ONE WAY OUT!”

The flow of people pushing past you was strong. You got separated from Kino and Cassian as people pushed past you, and pushed you closer to the edge of the prison. You didn’t even get your own chance to jump as the waves of people pushed you over the edge.

Hitting the water was a shock on your system, and your head slipped under the water for a few moments. The sudden cold stunned you for a few moments before instinct kicked in and you swam your way up to the surface, gasping for air as you got your head above water. People were all around you, swimming as fast as they could to get away from the building. Your heart tightened in your chest as you looked around in a panic.

“Cassian!” You screamed, trying to find him. You didn’t know if he’d hear you over the sounds of the waves and the people swimming through them but you had to try. “Cassian!” You screamed again, turning around to look the other way.

You were about to give up when you finally saw him, and he was clearly looking around for you too. He looked over and spotted you and he quickly went over to you, Melshi with him as well. Together again, the three of you began to swim, just like all the others.

Away from the prison. Away from the pain. Away from the empire.

* * *

Niamos was a quiet planet, especially now as the sun was setting before you. You stood next to Melshi, watching your first sunset in years. Your new stolen clothes feel so much more comfortable against your skin than the prison uniform ever had. Glancing back towards Cassian, you watched him talking on the phone for a moment, trying to contact his mother to let her know he was okay.

“We might be the only ones who made it.” Melshi said quietly next to you, drawing your attention towards him.

“I still can’t believe we made it.” You replied softly, and he gave a small smile.

“One way out. And we found it.” He replied, before looking to Cassian as he came over to join the two of you. “Everything okay?”

Cassian nodded “Yeah, it’s fine.” You could tell that he was lying, but you weren’t going to press him, not right now.

“We need to let people know about what happened.” Melshi said and Cassian nodded in agreement. “I think we should split up, get the word out. If they were moving prisoners around on Narkina 5 they’re probably doing it in other prisons too.”

“I agree. People need to know what happened.” Cassian said, and he pulled Melshi into a hug. The two embraced before parting. Melshi gave you a hug as well before Cassian gave him a blaster and the two of you watched as Melshi took off on his own.

“My mother died.” Cassian told you, long after you’d stopped seeing Melshi in the distance.

“Oh Cas, I’m so sorry.” You replied, turning to look at him.

“I’m going back to see her funeral.”

“Then I’m coming with you.”

“No, the empire is there. I can handle myself but please, don’t come. If they get me, I can find my way out again. I don’t want to put you through that again though. Promise me you will wait for me.” He says quietly.

“I promise.” You whisper, and he pulls you close in his arms, pressing his lips to yours. Heat fills you once more, and this time, there are no others who could see the two of you around.

Cassian gives you a night of love and passion. And even though your mind is distracted by everything about him, deep down you knew.

You knew in your heart that when you woke in the morning he would already be gone. In his place was a note with just three words.

‘Wait for me’