#But it's so so incredibly lonely and shitty at the same time

[edwardallenpoe]

being young, black and queer (particularly butch and lesbian) online (but Tumblr specifically) is like rummaging and searching for somewhere you're fully welcome and seen but only finding places that accept parts of your identity or the places that were there that fully accepted you have been quiet and abandoned long before you even came along. You go on blogs that say they welcome queer black people or people who have weird identities but they never talk about the things that affect you or (even unkowingly) shut you down when you bring it up. You find blogs that say they accept queer black people or people who have weird identities but they're making blogs targeting and harassing transfems. You find blogs that say they accept queer black people or people with weird identities but their blog isn't safe for minors. You find blogs that say they accept queer black people or people who have weird identities and the person who runs the blog is queer and black but the last update was 2016. It's incredibly lonely.

#Just having Thoughts about this hellsite #Don't get me wrong this place has been great for finding community and indulging in my interests and exploring my identities #But it's so so incredibly lonely and shitty at the same time #I follow all the black queer blogs that are safe for minors probably on tumblr #And are normal about mspec and Butch lesbians #And I see a lot of posts talking about how shitty Tumblr was to black folks to the point they all left??? #Learning that there was a time that there was a large community of black people on Tumblr???? #And they're just???? Gone???? Like that???? #And we're watching the same thing happen to our transfem sisters????? #It's sickening #And if I had anywhere better to go I would probably leave and find better community #But I don't. #I just gotta keep searching for what's still here of the queer black community that I can actually engage with #qpoc #black tumblr #black qpoc #black lesbian #black butch #racism #This is probably going to get as much engagement as the last post I made talking about racism #Aka 0(zero) #It's just been a long long life #And I'm barely out of my teens

[gadriezmannsgirl]

Nine days a little too late💀 but here's Pedri's birthday fic!🎉 also not me inspiring this fic with the quesillo and torta de auyama I helped my mom do last week🤭 also I'm sorry if this is a bit shitty I need to get back into writing ASAP😭😭 Please let me know your thoughts on this one😭😌

Warnings: Spanish swearing, lots of mentions of sweets (?), Pepi is whipped for reader, I didn't revise this so bare with me😭 let me know if there's any grammar mistake pls also it's a bit shitty, sorry😭😭😭

A New Diet - P.G8

Summary: Your love for sweets eventually brings you to the guy of your dreams

You didn't remembered when you started loving sweets so much, maybe you had it in you since you were little or maybe it was when you first got your period, only a big amount of chocolate could calm down your anxiety; maybe it was after watching bake-off TV shows, you didn't knew when but you did knew that you loved sweets and you also loved making them.

You tried your grandma's recipes, your aunt's, your mom's, the ones you find in internet, the ones you find in magazines and eventually you started adding your own "sparkle" into them, mixing random ingredients, taking off some while adding other ones.

It was that much that your parents got you into a course on baking and pastry-making. You loved it and got a certificate for it, one you felt truly proud of and even marked it to put it on your small living room of your new house.

You had recently moved to Barcelona to finish your degree in veterinary medicine and also to achieve your baking dream, you only had some months in your new house but you loved it, even through the rough patches of not knowing anyone in here.

Well... you did met some people and weren't so lonely now and those people were your mates from Uni and your neighbours which were mostly older people but two lovely and funny brothers who you often talk to when the three of you get out of your houses at the same time.

"¡Bienvenida al vecindario!" (welcome to the neighborhood) They had said once you opened your door making you smile

"Soy Fernando, puedes llamarme Fer and he's my brother Pedro but you can call him Pedri" (I'm Fernando but you can call me Fer) The guy next to him smiled and waved at you lightly

"Hola y muchas gracias. I'm Y/N" You replied softly with a smile on

"Un placer, Y/N. We brought this little gift as a welcome. Hope you like it" (It's a pleasure) Pedri extended a small food container with a smile on

"Thanks! What it is?"

"They're croquetas. Family recipe" Fer explained "I made them and I hope you like them"

"Well, they smell incredible so..." Both brothers laughed lightly and you joined them "I'm pretty sure I'll love them"

"Let us know!" You nodded with a smile

"Pues nada, bienvenida, somos tus vecinos, aquella casa de la esquina es la nuestra y nada... Si necesitas algo, estaremos encantados en ayudarte" (And well, welcome; we're your neighbours, the house at the corner is ours and yeah... If you need something, we'll be happy to help you) Pedri said. He's so pretty, you thought.

You smiled nodding "Muchas gracias e igualmente. Si necesitan algo y está a mi alcance pues estaré encantada en ayudarles" (Thank you so much and likewise. If you need something and it's within my reach then I'll be happy to help)

"Thanks" Fer smiled and they started walking away

"Let us know if you like the croquettes!" Pedri yelled and you laughed softly

You remembered your first meeting when you saw both brothers walk towards their house joking around as you were taking out the trash and suddenly realized that was already four months ago.

They waved at you and you waved back with a smile on your face.

You returned inside your house and settled everything up to do your quesillo, you had your period and everything you wanted was something sweet to ease your anxiety and pain.

Turning up your music, you blasted Rosalía, Karol G and some Taylor Swift while you happily made your quesillo, forgetting about everything. However being too into your own world, you didn't realized you did for more people than you were supposed to do.

"Oh fuck" You cursed lightly "What do I do now?" You asked yourself.

As much as you loved sweets, this was a big portion since you basically duplicated the recipe that originally is for 6-7 people, you didn't wanted for it to go to waste.

Your parents weren't in Barcelona and neither was your brother to give them some quesillo. You could give some to your friends and still a big portion will be left.

You closed your eyes groaning and your mind went to the González brothers.

Would they even like it? Would they accept it? You groaned again and your body acted before you could even think straight.

You went around and looked for a food container to give them some quesillo to them when you suddenly saw their food container. The one you forgot to give back because of your Uni and work.

Now you, at least, had a good excuse to give them the sweet.

Preparing yourself mentally you walked over to their house and knocked on their door only for a few minutes later, Pedri to open the door with a pretty smile on his face.

"Y/N! How are you?" You nodded a bit nervous. You were truly hoping for Fernando, to open the door like he always does.

"I'm good, what about you?" He nods

"I'm great! Tell me, what can I do for you?"

"I-mm... I'm actually here because I did this quesillo and I had some problems calculating the ingredients, turns out I did more than usual and I don't want it to go to waste so I was just wondering if you guys would like some?"

Pedri spent a few seconds in silence and those were the worst seconds for you.

"Sure, yes!"

"Perfect!" You pull the food container towards him "And also, sorry I didn't give it back right away. I'm pretty busy with my finals and with work too" He laughs softly grabbing it

"No te preocupes" (No worries) He winked and you felt like instantly dying right there.

"I hope you guys like it. Let me know how is it!"

"Will do! Thank you so much!" Pedri smiled and you waved walking away, he got inside his house and exhaled looking at the sweet in his hands.

It smells divine. He thought softly.

"Was it Y/N?" Fer yelled from the living room

"Yes!"

"Did you ask her out?"

"No"

"And what did you do then?" Fer asked impressed

"She came by to give us a quesillo"

"Joder, increíble" (Fuck, amazing) Fer inmediately said standing up and taking then food container out of Pedri's hands "All for me" He sang quietly

Pedri lamented not being able to eat it, as soon as he saw the quesillo his mouth watered "Puta madre" Pedri cursed as Fer laughed watching his younger brother leave the room.

One month and half later, Pedri was tired of watching the amount of sweets in his refrigerator and not being able to eat a single piece of them. Thanks to Fernando, you have been doing random pastries, cakes, muffins for you and for them, it made you happy knowing people liked your baking and felt on Cloud 9 once Fer exclaimed you could have your own succeful bakery.

Pedri didn't know how much he has resisted to it but he's sure it won't last long and even more when you were once again stood in front of the González brothers house, with a pumpkin cake in your hands.

"I swear this wasn't suppossed to happen. My aunt asked my help for my cousin's birthday but I overdid the recipe once again and I have this small pumpkin cake-"

"I'm pretty sure it's delicious, thank you Y/N" He smiled grabbing the cake from your hands. Pedri shakily opened his mouth to speak "So... How's-" Your phone ringed

"Shoot. I'm sorry I need to leave, I had these muffins on the oven but let me know if you like them!"

"Do you need help?"

"I-uh... I kinda do but no worries I can do it on my own! You might be busy as well and I don't want to interrupt anything"

"Nonsense" Pedri said "Gimme just a quick second to put this in the kitchen and I'll be right back"

True to his word, Pedri was back to you in mere seconds. You both walked to your house

"Make yourself at home" You had said smiling. "Are you a good kitchen assistant?"

"Bueno, que se me ha pasado decirte que soy un poco lento pero que soy un asistente de cocina decente" (Well, I kinda forgot to tell you I'm a bit slow but I'm a decent cooking assistant) You laughed softly at his words

"That's okay. Esos son los mejores" (Those are the best) You replied "I used to be like that and even worse" You giggled softly

"Practice makes a master" You nod agreeing with him "So... What's my job?" You smile starting to explain him what you need help with.

°°° °°°

"I hope your aunt is paying you for this" You laugh at Pedri's words before you looked over at him and found him with his face (and some of his hair) dirty with flour, you couldn't help but laugh harder. "¿Qué?" (What?) He asks with a small smile

"You have some flour in your face" You clean your hands with a towel ", you look funny" you admit softly

"Ah but that's normal. You do as well" You share a laugh

"You want something to drink? I'm about to make me some coffee"

"No bebo café" (I don't drink coffee)

"Really?" You asked impressed "Maybe some tea?" Pedri shook his head "Juice? Water?"

"Those two can do" You smile nodding starting to work on your coffee and on his drink.

"I also have some cheesecake from Monday. You want a bit?"

Pedri's body froze, he hasn't broke his diet, it takes a lot of willpower for him to quietly leave the room his brother's eating in to your baking.

And he also didn't wanted to make you feel bad for saying no.

"I'm not that hungry actually" He hated the fact, his heart hurt him when he saw how your face fell a bit. And without knowing, yours did too a little bit "I'm sorry, I-"

"No worries, that's okay!" You said smiling softly

"No, you know what? I'll accept it"

"If you don't want it, it's okay" You giggled softly to not make him feel pressured

"I want to" He smiled at you "Now... I'm waiting for my slice of cheesecake"

This time, both of your hearts beat strongly at the sight of each others smile.

°°° °°°

"Joder, you're whipped" Fer said shaking his head

"I'm not!"

"You fell so easily into it!"

"I don't think she realized it but she gave me this pout and her eyes dropped, I couldn't watch her like that!"

"Si, hermano. You're whipped"

"Puta madre" Pedri cursed "Now I have to do double session" He said getting ready for his morning training

"Don't overwork yourself, Pedrito"

"Don't call me that!"

"Ask her out already!" Fer laughed watching his brother get out of their house

"¡Cállate" (Shut up!)

Pedri did wanted to ask you out but he was afraid of your answer, he just didn't knew if you liked him in that way and he didn't wanted to make things awkward between you two.

But as if it was something of destiny you were going out of your house with a backpack. You were going to Uni.

Pedri quickly got into his car and started it, to stop in front of your house. "Need a ride, señorita?" (Miss)

"Yes, please. I'm way too late" You smiled and he laughed nodding his head for you to get inside. "Buenos dias" (Good morning) You said leaning forward to hug him "¿Qué tal todo?" (How's everything?) He nods smiling

"¿Tu que tal? ¿Acaso se te han pegado las sábanas el día de hoy?" (How about you? Didn't wanted to get out of the bed?) He joked and you lightly groaned

"I was up all night studying for this exam, it's worth about the 35% of the whole grade and I'm freaking nervous" You admited ", plus, I kinda forgot to set up my alarm so that's the reason I'm looking like a mad woman and I didn't had time to revise my notes" You huff "But let's say I'm good"

"Don't stress so much about it, I know you'll do fine and you'll smash this exam" Pedri reasured you with a smile

"You have a lot of faith in me"

"Que eres muy inteligente, guapa. A veces te subestimas demasiado" (You're very smart, beautiful. Sometimes you underestimate yourself so much)

"I just get really nervous, I've never failed any of my classes and I have this scholarship so I have to be the best of the best"

"And you are. Stop stressing so much, you'll get wrinkles" You blush and laugh shaking your head

The rest of the drive was spent with you talking of random things and listening to the whole "Un Verano Sin Ti" album by Bad Bunny

"Thanks for the ride, Pedrito. You just saved my life" You both hugged each other over the console

"Anytime, Y/N" He smiled watching you pick your things and leave his car. Before you got inside the building, three car honks stopped you. As you turned around you saw Pedri still there and looking at you

You went back to him "What's up?" You said leaning into the drivers window

"Are you free this weekend?"

You nod lightly "I am... why?"

"Wanna go out with me?" You were shocked hearing those words came out of his mouth but at the same time, you were so happy

"Sure, I'd love that" You smiled and he smiled back

"Perfect, I'll text you so we can talk about it" You nod once more

"Good, nos vemos Pepi" (See you)

"Nos vemos, guapa" (See you, beautiful) You blushed once again and separated yourself from his car, turning around you went inside the building

You were walking to your exam when you felt your phone vibrate and saw a text from Pedri

Pedro G: Por cierto, estás muy mona cuando te sonrojas (By the way, you're pretty cute when you blush)

You smile and giggle shaking your head at your phone, replying with a small Sush🙈

And with that you entered with confidence into the classroom

°°° °°°

Two months later

"Estás muy guapa el día de hoy" (You're looking gorgeous today) Your now, boyfriend of one month said looking at you with a smile

"You're exaggerating. I'm covered in eggs and onions"

"Still very guapa" He gave you a small kiss to your lips before entering inside your house "Need help with something?"

"I've got it covered, lindo. Thanks tho" You smiled washing your hands before getting into what you were doing "What are we watching today?"

"Creed?" You think of it for a few seconds and then nod lightly

"Only because we saw Me Before You last week" He laughs softly

"What are you doing?" His arms wrapped themselves around your waist and Pedri brought you into him

"I'm cooking for my brother's date tomorrow night"

"You sure you don't need help?" He kissed your cheek and you smiled resting against him

"I'm almost done, give me just a few minutes and then I'm yours"

"Can I at least do the popcorns?" You smile nodding

"Top left shelf"

A few minutes passed and you finished what you were doing. You wrapped the food and pulled it in a food container into the refrigerator as Pedri was munching on some popcorn

"You will not leave for the movie"

"There are a lot" He brushed off your comment while putting some in front of your mouth

"They're good, baby" Pedri nodded

"I know, I'm the best"

"Oh shut up, come on"

"Amor, do you like football?" He asked out of nowhere as you got the movie ready

"I'm not much into it, to be honest. Why?"

"Would you like to come with me and Fer to a match?"

"Will you teach me every single thing of football so I don't look like a foreign?" He laughs nodding

"Of course" You smiled at each other

"Then sounds good" You nod happy "What are you doing tomorrow, amor?" You ask him

"Nothing important, why?"

"Can you accompany me tomorrow to get some copies I need to get done for Uni?"

"Sure. What time, amor?"

"Maybe around 2pm?"

"I'll be here" Pedri nodded "Shall we start?" You don't say anything but click on the start bottom before you cuddled up to him

°°° °°°

"Hey Fer"

"Y/N!" He said excited hugging you "How are you? My brother has kidnapped you" You blush lightly

"I'm doing well, dear. How about you?"

"Good, good!" He smiled "How can I help you?"

"Is Pedri here? He's supposed to accompany me to do something right now" He shakes his head

"He's in training right now"

"He's training?" Fer nods "For what?"

"This weekend's match"

"What match?"

"Football match?" He asked back confused

"He's playing?" He nods

"He's a football player, Y/N/N" You were confused

"Right, yes, of course!" You said "Well, thanks Fer and sorry the bother!" You jogged back to your house

You instantly went to your phone and searched for Pedri González, to your surprise a photo of your boyfriend came up along with the name of FC Barcelona. Your boyfriend is a FC Barcelona player.

Copies can wait, you decided, Pedri had somethings to explain. And that he did, as soon as he got to your house. You let him know that the door was unlocked and that you'll be waiting for him.

"Amor, I'm sorry, I got caught up on-"

"Pedro "Pedri" González López, is a Spanish professional footballer who plays as a midfielder for La Liga FC Barcelona and the Spain NT" You read from your phone as soon as you see him coming to the living room "And then there's a picture of a guy who looks just like you" You look at him serious "Why didn't you told me that?"

" I can explain that to you"

"Please do"

Pedri sighed "I didn't tell you because I wanted you to like me for me, for Pedri not because of Pedri the football player from Club Barcelona" He sighs "It's not often when I don't have people trying to get my attention just because of fame or money. I'm just a simple guy living his dream and I want for everyone to treat me like that. I liked you from the moment I knew you and when I saw you didn't even recognized me for being Pedri the football player and cared for just Pedri, I wanted to keep that going and protect you from that world. You're my safe space"

"Pedri, I don't really care if you're famous or not and you know that"

"I know and I was eventually going to tell you this weekend after you see me playing" He winces now thinking of his idea "It might not be my best idea but I truly wanted to tell you because I like to think that we can have a long road together ahead of us"

"You're trying to get your way out of this with sweet words" He laughs softly

"I don't. That's what I truly think" you stayed silent for a few minutes

"You have some other secret I should know about?"

"No" He said shaking his head. You smiled and went to him kissing his lips

"Don't lie or hide things from me again, please. I think the same way but I want us to be honest with each other" Pedri nods

"Will do" Pedri smiles leaning down to kiss your lips

"Would you teach me some football right now?" Pedri nods smiling wide

"Let's go, bonita"

"But before that... Wanna have some chocolate muffins?"

Pedri secretly winced before nodding "Not one, not two... give me three of those"

He couldn't break his diet but for you he would.

°°° °°°

"So..." You begin "How do I look?" You turn around with your boyfriend's name on your back

"Gorgeous" That's what he said smiling "The eight looks really good on you" You smile turning to face him with blush covering your cheeks "In fact, everything looks good on you"

"Well, wish I could say the same" He opens his mouth in disbelief.

"I can't believe it" You laugh kissing his cheeks

"Vamos, amor. You are needed" You grab his hand and led him through the door "Hopefully you win tonight 'cus I made a winning cake for you" He laughs

"We will win" Pedri says "But we also know that winning or not, I will eat it" You smile nodding "Let's go to Montjuic!"

You both got into the car and Pedri drove off, it's your first time in a stadium, so you were pretty nervous.

"Call me or Fer. He told me he's already here" You nod taking in Pedri's words. "If you need anything let him know"

"I will" You said smiling "Go ahead and score some goals"

"They'll be for you" You blush and push him lightly for him to start walking

"Go. I'll be fine" with doubts Pedri started walking away only for him to walk back to you and kiss you softly before out of nowhere, leaving you in the hall.

You followed his intructions and soon you were in the yards along with the fans. Your eyes scanned the crowd and quickly divised Fer.

"Hey" You say getting closer to him

"Hey! Happy to see you here!"

"Happy to be here!" You hug

"You know what this match means?"

"Pedri told me something among the lines of El Clásico?" Fer nods

"Our worst rival RMA" You nod lightly

"Yeah, he told me those small things as well"

"Did he told you a fight could break out?" Your eyes widen and you cough

"No! Will he be-?"

"He'll be fine as long as the problem isn't with him. A small fact? It never is"

The tension could be felt in the air, you didn't have any idea what could happen. But you did knew the ones with the blue and red shirt were the ones your boyfriend played for and you were going to yell at everything they do.

Match started and it was already rough some players fouling you guys and the ref said nothing. You were complaining the whole 1st time about that while Fer laughed and maybe even recorded you.

You were stressing out, it was minute 88, four fights already displayed in the spam of the 2nd time and no score. Until he did it. De Jong stole the ball from one of the oponents, you still don't know who it was; when De Jong passed it to Gundo and Gundo to Ferran to start dribbling around players and once he was starting to get close to the net, he shot it to Pedri who scored.

He did his natural signature + a wink to your direction

"That was to me" Fer said

"Sure it was" You laughed and joked around with Fer until the game ended

You receive Pedri by his car with a piece of cake, he hissed when he saw the chocolate and it didn't helped that Ferran made fun of him.

"As I have just the recovery session, you have to take a double one to forget about the calories that cake has, good luck on that, Pepi"

"You're just jealous you don't have a girlfriend who bakes for you" Pedri said hitting the back of Ferran's head while the shark laughed "See you, tiburón"

"See you, Pepi" Ferran waved at you lightly as you waved back with a small smile on your face

"Hola guapa" Pedri said wrapping his arms around your shoulders to bring you close to him. You smile taking in the scent of his soap and shampoo

"Hola guapo" You kissed his cheek before leaning up to kiss his lips "Congrats on the win, you did great"

"I felt motivated tonight" He winks at you and you laugh, blushing "However, I'm starving and this cake looks so good to me right now"

"Ah ah ah!" You push the cake back when he tried to reach it "I found out a little something and I just confirmed it"

"What did you find out?"

"You guys have a very strict diet as I could see" Pedri's heart stopped working for a while "And your friend isn't the most quiet when it comes to talk so... Have you really ate all of the sweets I have made for you this past months?"

Pedri got quiet for a while and before he opened his mouth you beat him to it "Honestly, Pedro"

"I didn't..." He said guilty and he watched how your face fell lightly "But I eventually did that time when I was at yours! And I didn't say any kind of lies when I said that they were the best ones!" You sighed softly

"But you could have told me that before!" You said "Now, I feel guilty"

"Why?"

"I was there making and bringing you guys the most sweet stuffs I could ever made for you to try and you had to suffer seeing your brother eat them without a single regret!" Pedri felt his heart grow warm "If you could have told me I have this strict diet, I could have done something different for you because everything I did was mostly for you, Pepi" You admit and he smiles before kissing you softly

"Now you know, amor. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, you were just really excited for me trying your baking out and I didn't wanted to make you feel bad by saying no"

"You have to do double sessions, I still feel bad" He sent you an apologetic smile as you groaned lightly "That's why this cake is for both of us now" You said

"Hey, it was mine!"

"It was" You agree "That was before I learned about your diet. So I made this one" You said "Half it's especially made for you and the other one is for me, like I usually do"

"Did you seriously just made me a piece of healthy cake for myself?" You nod

"And be prepared because now that I'll try more fitness stuff, you'll be the first one to try them out"

"I can't wait for it" He smiled before grabbing a piece of cake with his fingers and eating it, he groaned in delight "So far, try to make the pumpkin cake for me so I can eat it. That was the best one" He munched the cake once again

"Stop eating it"

"This is so delicious, I just can't!" He shook his head "In fact" He pulled out his car keys out and handed them to you "You drive tonight while I eat this masterpiece my girlfriend made for me, thank you"

°°° °°° °°° °°°

Taglist: @gaviypedrisbride @stuckinaf4nfiction @elijahslover @azzpenswrld @http-isabela

#gadriezmannsgirl is writing #fc barcelona #pedri #pedri gonzalez #pedri gonzalez x reader #pedri imagine #pedri x reader #pedri x y/n #pedri icons #pedri gonzalez blurb #pedri gonzalez imagine #pedri gonzalez icons #pedri gonzalez x you

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

I'm not the biggest fan of Oda, as many here already know. That comes from the INCREDIBLE disconnect between the fandom version of him as opposed to the canon. I see often on Twitter, Reddit, Youtube, etc etc. this treatment of Oda as some great force of pure good, and furthermore this scene as a grand bit of final wisdom. So right now, let's talk about his death scene.

The anime puts it like this:

"You told me you might find a reason to live if you lived in a world of violence and bloodshed. [...] You won't find it. You must know that already. Whether you're on the side who kills people or the side that saves people, nothing beyond what you would expect will appear. Nothing in this world can fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity. [...] Be on the side that saves people. If both sides are the same to you, become a good man. Save the weak, and protect the orphans. Neither good nor evil means much to you, I know... but that'd make you at least a bit better."

And the light novel puts it like this:

"You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a reason to live… [...] You won't find it. [...] You should know that. Whether you're on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity. [...] Be on the side that saves people. [...] If both sides are the same, then choose to become a good person. Save the weak, protect the orphaned. You might not see a great difference between right and wrong, but… saving others is something just a bit more wonderful."

I want to break down what bothers me in these. This portion especially.

You told me you might find a reason to live if you lived in a world of violence and bloodshed. [...] You won't find it. You must know that already. Whether you're on the side who kills people or the side that saves people, nothing beyond what you would expect will appear. Nothing in this world can fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity.

You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a reason to live… [...] You won't find it. [...] You should know that. Whether you're on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity.

I think we often forget that Dazai is still a suicidal teen in Dark Era, and that he's one that's held on to the hope he'd find something for all this time. I dont disagree with the fact he must know he won't find anything in the mafia already. But Oda misunderstands a lot of fundamental parts of Dazai, which lead to this scene being devastating.

Whether you're on the side who kills people or the side that saves people, nothing beyond what you would expect will appear.

Whether you're on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen.

The thing is, Dazai DOES find things he doesn't expect. He meets Chuuya and Chuuya surprises him! He meets Oda and Ango and they fascinate him!! He meets Kunikida and Ranpo and everyone else and he finds them interesting!!! He gets proven wrong, he gets surprised, he has NEVER been infallible. And he's incredibly hopeful too, as stated earlier. He held on to the hope he'd find something for the past 3 years despite how horrible of an environment the mafia was for him, and he still tried his hardest to save Oda. To tell him that not only would he never find anything here, but anywhere else he goes? It's kind of.... well, shitty.

And there's another thing about this line I have to point out, something from a couple pages earlier.

"But he's different. He's sharp-witted with a mind like a steel trap. And he's just a child—a sobbing child abandoned in the darkness of a world far emptier than the one we're seeing."

"He was too smart for his own good. That was why he was always alone. The reason why Ango and I were able to be by his side was that we understood the solitude that surrounded him, and we never stepped inside it no matter how close we stood."

Oda believes that it's Dazai's intelligence that isolates him. While this is true, it's only true to an extent. Look at Ranpo, who was also isolated because of his intelligence. He doesn't stay that way, despite not having any peers. Ranpo found his place with Fukuzawa at the agency, and there was nothing stopping Dazai from also finding his own.

Nothing in this world can fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity.

Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity.

And I don't know how to explain this to people, but telling an emotionally distressed teenager that he's going to be lonely forever is, erm, kind of bad? Especially when the person he thinks understands him the most is like... dying in his arms.

Oda tried to help Dazai in his final moments, I'm not trying to discredit that. He gave Dazai his advice and Dazai chose to take it, because he knew Oda was speaking from his own experiences. But Oda's words were still harmful to him, regardless of how well meaning they were.

#bsdrewatch2023 #my one bsd analysis long post wahoo #sorry for the haterism im fed up with can do no wrong angel fandom odasaku #give me flawed oda!!! #dont get me wrong guys i love this scene but i love it a) BECAUSE IT *IS* DEVASTATING #and b) because dazai choosing a better life for himself is really beautiful to me #but the entire oda was a shining light in the mafia and he guided dazai with his goodness in these final moments narrative IRKS ME #SO MUCH #so here we go :) #caps cw #longer post #long post

[chickensarentcheap]

Bed time sneak peak :)

The chapter is finished, but not polished. But here is a bit:

@tragiclyhip @youflickedtooharddamnit @secretaryunpaid @themaradwrites @thebejeweledwatercat @munstysmind @mrsmungus @asirensrage @residentdormouse @karimac @kmc1989 @alisbackalleybbq @theesirenteller @ninjasawakenedmystar

“It was a beautiful day.”

Tyler arches a quizzical brow.

“When Millie was born.  It was sunny and cool, and the leaves were just starting to change.”

“Seems kinda fitting. That she came along when she did.  It was always her mum’s favourite season; Esme used to go on and on about fall in New York City. About how she’d always take walks in Central Park; she loved seeing all the different colours and hearing the leaves crunching under her feet and how the air actually seemed fresh for a change. She made it sound incredible. Beautiful.”

“She has a knack of seeing things differently than we do.  She holds onto so much trust and wonder; she sees the beauty in everything. And everyone. She could watch the same sunset a million times and find a million different things to marvel at. I used to tease her about it;  almost scold her for being that way.   For always seeing the cup as ‘half full’.  But now that I think about it, wouldn’t it be better if we all saw it that way?”

“She’s just different, Nik.  From what we’re used to.  We’ve all been through hell and back. In one way or another.  And somehow she’s still like that.  I used to give her shit for it, too.  Always said she was setting herself up for disappointment if she kept seeing the world like she did. Seeing the good in everyone no matter how shitty they treated her.  Even told her how stupid it all seemed;  that she was being naive and childish and she was just going to get hurt.”

“If anything…anyone…is a breath of fresh air…”

“I realize now that if she didn’t see things the way she did?  Millie wouldn’t even exist.  Esme wouldn’t have stayed on that bridge.  Dhaka wouldn’t have happened the way did.  The things that went down between the two of us. She wouldn’t even have given me a second look.  She would have just seen me as a huge mess. A liability. And moved on with her life.”

“I know you talk about how she came along when you needed it the most, but have you ever thought that maybe you did too? That you came along when she needed you to? Because despite all that light and that brightness and that love for the world and everyone in it, there was a very broken and lonely woman…little girl, even…under all of it.  I would see it sometimes;  this sadness that would just take over.  When she’d just seem to lost and vulnerable and hurting.  That changed.  When she met you.  I saw it in that hospital.  All that time she was holding on and fighting for you, she was holding on and fighting for herself too.   She wanted to be what YOU needed.  And what you deserved.”

“She is way more than I have  ever deserved.”

”But she doesn’t see it that way.  She doesn’t see YOU that way. You came along and pulled her out of a really dark, horrible place.  And I know it’s hard to see that when you’re in a pretty bad place yourself, but it’s true.  The two of you found each other when you both needed it the most.  She didn’t just save YOU, Tyler. You saved her, too. In more ways than one.”

#Tyler and Esme series #Lost and Found

[aveegrex]

ASHES TO ASHES

we're now the same age

genre: angst pairing: kishibe x gn! afab! reader word count: 0,5k cw: explicit description of sexual activities, smoking, alcohol consumption, workplace affairs, death

"Heeey" you were inebriated enough to tease your superior's tie on some official function, hiding by the bar with the rest of Public Safety devil hunters. 

"Hey" he was aloof enough to not care for misconducts of a drunk twenty-something, and just as drunk to know you two would need a room in about twenty minutes. 

In any other normal department, this would get both of you fired on the spot. Normally. But the devil department was far from normal, a lawless satellite of bureaucratic limbo. So you two didn't even try hiding, mating like rabbits after each successful mission. 

He fucked you in a car that taxpayers bought him to be an effective murderer. Shoved you face first into the backseat and had you reevaluating your fears into kinks. When Aki later reported a successful elimination of the asphyxiation devil, Kishibe winked at you, breaking his deadpan for a fraction of a second. 

You rode him on the stairs of some ancient temple of incredible cultural significance, eyes crossed of how precise his tip was pressing against your sweet spot. Kishibe later swore he never came harder than that night, when he could taste the devil's blood on your tits as your cunt milked him dry. 

Himeno walked onto the two of you once, and waited a solid minute before either of you noticed her. You still had some shame and tried to clasp your thighs, but Kishibe just scoffed, kneeling in front of Himeno's table, and stuffed his face back between your legs. 

"We could die tomorrow, you know?"  the drag in his voice was almost as annoying as his long drag of a cigarette. 

You scoffed, shifting on the damp sheets of a shitty motel. "You're a sap" his cigarette tasted like shit and you fished out your own, the lighter clicks lighting your scarred cheeks. "And you say that every time"

"And every time it’s true" he attempted his weird flirt again, watching you a little too intense for someone his age in this profession. "Wouldn't you miss me?"

That made you raise your head to the window, eyes aching of a neon blue "B&B" flickering in the distance. "Dead don't miss" 

He huffed, and you remember distinctly how for a second you saw his eyes blow wide. "I'm older"

"Exactly". That shut him up, and the rest of the night came just as usual, sheets gaining more and more weight of your affair. 

...

"Kishibe" you whisper, cigarettes of his favorite brand burning through your fingertips. You hate smoking in the open space: the wind and the lack of proper lean-on turn the habit into a chore. But you can't force yourself to leave, not yet. Not until the pack is through, ashes of his brand mixing with the overgrown soil. 

"We were both wrong, Kishibe" you put out the last bud on the white-painted wood, lone tear gracing the soulless ground under your feet. "Now, we're the same age".

MDNI, reblogs and comments are welcome, love wins

© 2022 AVEEGREX, all rights reserved. reposting and copying my works without my consent is forbidden.

#chainsaw man #chainsawman #chainsaw man kishibe #csm kishibe #csm angst #csm smut #kishibe chainsaw man #kishibe csm #kishibe smut #kishibe angst #kishibe x reader #kishibe x y/n #kishibe x you #kishibe x gn!reader #kishibe x f!reader

[cloud-somersault]

Your fic "The constellations within us" was so perfect, and exactly what I wanted and needed for since I joined the fandom. I wish I had eloquent words but english is not my native language, and I'm struggling with the translator now, but this fic is probably one of the most high quality ones I’ve ever read so i've finally worked up the energy to leave a solid comment.

I love your prose, the descriptions and internal monologues are so immersive and emotional that I need to reread over and over again. The worldbuilding scratches my brain real nice, all contribute to make a really cohesive image that canon still doesn't quite achieve in my opinion. And you did a good job capturing the mood and humor of the show with every little detail but at the same time you’ve added a whole new dimension to the plot and characters. Keep cooking, I beg you but also have mercy on me. I imagine you saying something like: I am going to create an situation that is so emotionally fucked up before writing any chapter.

I really love the way shadowpeach interact in this story. From trying to kill each other to sharing the food. It's kinda crazy that people genuinely thought shadowpeach was a one sided crush until s4.

To be honest, I'm not a fan how the fandom treats shadowpeach but you have successfully kept the characterization of mystical monkeys to perfection while setting up a realistic shadowpeach plotline. I read this quote in another fic but it applies very well to them: "They really embody the pain/comfort thing, except that comfort is understanding and trust."

Sun Wukong is canonically a latent danger that not even the most powerful entities in celestial realm or underworld could subdue him, but he has no self preservation skills whatsoever. He's a bleeding heart. He's the one who sacrifices everything possible to protect the few he loves because, god, he has lost so much. The immortality he achieved with peaches, wine, pills, among many other things, may have made him indestructible on the outside, but inside they made him emotionally vulnerable, lonely and afraid of attachment. This monkey can fit so much trauma and he's holding a lot close to his chest even from the audience. The fandom villainizes him unfairly, but sometimes they also put him on some kind of pedestal, which is also incorrect.

The same happens with Macaque. He's the walking mystery who may or may not realize how much of a prickly capricious hypocrite he is in some things. For example, he feels an apparent resentment at being relegated to being a mere shadow of someone much brighter, but at the same time he seems unwilling to step out of that role. In s1 and s3, he clings so much to the past that he pushes Wukong, the only constant of him in a modern world after his resurrection, to be the version he remembered. Where Wukong advanced, Macaque retreated.

Nonetheless, the motives behind every action of his are more nuanced than him just being evil. He did once he was free from LBD's control was immediately start helping everyone even until s4, as if it were a tacit way of apologizing because he was just trapped under incredibly shitty circumstances, let's remember the part where LBD said she'd kill him if he didn't do what she wanted. Although I don't think he didn’t have fun knocking everyone around a bit (to his ex-husband especially).

It's little funny because I consider that before the perigranation trip, Wukong is a self-proclaimed hero with destructive or villainous tendencies (depending on which side you look at, celestial Realm definitely sees it that way still) while in the current timeline, Macaque is a self-proclaimed villain with heroic tendencies.

I wont keep rambling, but thank you again for pouring your time and talent into this beautifully painful read. I can't wait to chew on the next chapter like a hungry dog ​​with a good steak and also I'll be keeping an eye out for your future works, in case you continue writing about queer monkeys with emotional constipation, but if not, it's such a treat to read what you've already gifted us. Have a good week! and sorry for any translation errors again.

AAAAAH i'm sorry i've taken so long to respond to this. this ask is SO SWEET and i loved just rereading it over and over to suck all the serotonin out of it. Filled me with gleee!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to translate and write out this message! There weren't any errors, it's okay! I'm so glad you liked my story sm and read it and ENJOYED IT YAAAAAY!!!

honestly, I only cackle evilly before posting chapters sometimes. Only sometimes, when I remember. I usually cackle while writing, but then, by the time I've posted it, I've read it so much, it doesn't have that emotional impact on me anymore LOL

I think that's a great way to sum up shadowpeach! It's about understanding and trust. No matter what, that trust has to be rebuilt, and that process is so painful and hard and time-consuming that...it takes such a great amount of effort on both their parts. It's the choice to persevere in spite of that amount of hardship that makes them beautiful, even if what they create together isn't inherently beautiful. What's beautiful is that, in spite of tragedy, these two monkeys want to be together in whatever way they can.

I think with any fandom, people are going to misinterpret characters. I've kind of gotten used to it, but there's definitely a lot of missed nuance and character depth that the fandom chooses to not see or doesn't except. Maybe they like to keep it surface level, but i think critically thinking about the plot and characters is where you can find depth or make depth of your own that's not present in the show.

Wukong is either a trickster villain or a precious soul who has done no wrong and needs to be protected. Macaque is usually a mustache-twirling villain or a sweet, bashful monkey who was just pretending all that time! and has never done anything bad.

A lot of the fandom sees things in a clear black and white way, which is dangerous for several reasons, but it means that their interpretations lack that depth or understanding that people crave. Because no one is black and white. The world doesn't work that way, so it's kind of worrying that they think that's...normal. It's not normal. I see it as a lack of life experience and maturity, but I also don't know these people. Maybe they like their fictional worlds to be black and white, I dunno.

Aaaanyway, you're not the first person to speak about this topic with shadowpeach and how, through constellations, they found some understanding or were pleased with how shadowpeach interacted. and to that I say, thanks! I just like some realism and three dimensional...ness to my characters, please and thanks. Don't even get me started on MK.

But wow! Yes! I'm so honored you'll keep reading whatever I write next. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, and I'm just smashing my dolls together, but I'm happy to have you here in Constellations AU land! Welcome! Enjoy your stay 💕

#ask #anon #fave #constellations fic #long post

[minthe-lover]

I gotta say one of the things that annoy me the most about how Demeter is demonized is just how much it doesnt make sense.

Like oh it's so terrible demeter never lets persephone have any friends, she's so lonely and isolated. Oh don't look over to the seemly massive amount of nymphs and other creatures that live here! Or those two supposedly two super close friends that persephone has! Those don't count cause they aren't gods! Persephone is super lonely and isolated from everyone that why she needs a friend with a god!

Also how terrible you know that time persephone was emotionally manipulated into trusting a random ass god that ended up kissing her and would have probably had sex with her if she didn't figure out the lie! Isn't it terrible with how after Demeter's daughter was basically almost sexuality assaulted she didn't give Persephone any time alone! How terrible! I mean it's not like Persephone was overly trusting and didn't tell her mother about someone who could have seriously hurt her! And demeter could be rightfully worried about her daughters safety in a world that clearly often sexuality exploits women.

I mean look at demeter she is so dumb and weird look at her theorize over persephone being a fertility goddess and the reason why she kept it a secret. Oh i mean it is now a serious plot line with at least three super powerful gods that are interested in abusing persephone for it(ares, apollo and kronos). Nah!!!!! She's just a wacky conspiracy theorist!

Oh demeter is a terrible mother, yes she spent alot of time and money covering persephone ass after the act or wrath, and of course she willingly stepped up to take all the punishment for both of them, and yes she created huge opportunities for her daughter that could have kept her safe from a world interested in abusing her she is just a complete asshole.

I mean she yelled at her daughter, oh persephone yelled back? And it was a kinda just really normal argument between family members? And demeter literally just wants to prevent persephone from going through the same abuse she went through? And protect her from gods that would happily take advantage of her when she is still shown to be incredibly native and trusting. Which has almost gotten her hurt on multiple occasions??? Nah it's all just Demeter's fault.. She is a shitty mother!

I mean look at her she puts persephone under so much pressure. I mean i know most of the time we see Persephone in the mortal realm it is naked in a bath but look at all those awards!! Oh what's this Persephone enjoys most of the thing she say getting awards for, like swimming. That and it gave her a better work ethic that has show her to be able to do her work even if she is incredibly under qualified? Nah nah nah demeter is a complete shit mother for doing that!!

Demeter is a good mother and anyone who says other wise... Just needs a better understanding of parenting and possibly some therapy.

#anti lo #lo critical #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Rivals - 6

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Jun, Hiyori

Proofreading: moricchiichan (JP) & hyenahunt (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Hiyori: Jun-kun... Can I give you a hug?

Jun: ... well, I do get what you’re saying. Nothing's gonna change if I just keep moping around.

Hiyori: Yes, yes. So wipe that gloomy look away — let’s move onto more enjoyable topics!

Have a look over here, Jun-kun! I dropped by the agency on my way home, you see —

And they gave me aaall these fan letters!

Regardless of where the winds of history will blow, or whatever tall tales of us are spoken, there are so many people who still love us!

If we were to ever let these people feel that cheering us on was a waste of time... why, that would be the end of us. So you see, we must continue to hold our heads high and lavish our brilliant love on them, all the while with radiant smiles on our faces ♪

Jun: Ooh... You brought heaps of 'em home again, huh~ And to think you won’t even carry shopping bags on your own, usually.

Hiyori: Well, I didn’t have anyone to carry them for me this time.

In the morning, I brought Hidaka-sensei to Yumenosaki Academy, and briefly dropped in to say hello to Eichi-kun and the others. Afterwards, I just had fun wandering about town.

Hehe, we’ve almost always been around each other since Eve's formation, so being all alone for once was in fact rather refreshing.

Jun: But aren'tcha the the type that gets lonely on your own? You could’ve called me up, y'know.

Hiyori: Oh no, you second years still have your normal class times, don't you? So I was just being considerate~ It was lonely, of course, but I endured it!

Jun: Well, yeah, but the higher-ups are all still busy ‘cause of SS, so even in class we just mostly did some self-studying.

Speaking of which, we got out of SS unharmed ‘cause we sided with Trickstar — in fact, the public now has an even better opinion of us thanks to that —

Hiyori: Yes. And now Ibara is taking full advantage of it to play his game of politics as he climbs the corporate ladder with incredible momentum.

With the rate he’s going at, he may already come to stand at the very top of CosPro by next term.

Jun: Hmph. Not that I get what's so great about ruling over this tattered wreck of an agency, but...

Well, I guess there’s some kinda worth in everything? Actually, we’re talking about Ibara here — he's gonna find some use for it, one way or the other.

But yeah, anyway, despite being part of CosPro we’re still profiting from the situation .

And all those other guys probably hate us for that, yeah? Dealing with their pointed glares and shittalking gossip is 'bout as pleasant as stepping on Legos, I swear.

Jun: Well, by now I'm pretty much immune to that kinda stuff. But in the end, I just can’t help feeling guilty about it... or like, I can’t help but wonder: why me?

I don’t wanna keep asking the same thing over and over, but I can’t just shake it off or figure it out... I mean, is it really okay for me and only me to be this happy?

Ever since I was a snot-nosed brat, I've grown up stuck between my shitty old man who's trapped in the past, and my mom who did nothing but cry...

So to me, the life I have right now is like something right outta a dream. And that's exactly why it scares me.

After all, there are people in this world out there living in the absolute dumps... I mean, I was one of 'em.

So y'see, I get what you mean and all, that if I’ve got more happiness than I know what to do with, I should share it with those who aren't as lucky.

But no matter what, I just can't stop dwelling on it. Why me? There wasn't any real reason for it, y'know? It was just a stroke of dumb luck... all thanks to you finding me.

I basically earned it by chance, without a lick of effort on my part — and that's exactly why it feels like I could lose it just as easily...

And it makes me so anxious. I want something to convince me that I’m someone who actually deserves the happiness that I have, just as I am.

But there's nothing I can do right now except train up my strength. I know, I know, all it'll actually do is add to my muscle...

But still, I need to grow stronger, even if just by a bit. I need to become a true idol I can be proud of.

Or else, Ohii-san... I just can't ever forgive myself for being happy.

Hiyori: Jun-kun... Can I give you a hug?

Jun: 'Scuse me? I'll pass, that's gross. Your replies just... never make any sense, do they?

Hiyori: Whenever you feel anxious, there's nothing like letting someone hold you tight while you listen to the sound of their heartbeat. See? Mary felt so safe and secure in my arms that she's fast asleep now ♪

Jun: Haha. You'd never have guessed she used to yelp all night in fear when we first brought her home.

Hiyori: Yes, the thought of the dorm head catching on and coming to tell us off certainly kept us on edge.

Hiyori: The poor girl was born frail... Perhaps that was the reason her owner so heartlessly abandoned her.

She could have died out there in the harsh outdoors, so perhaps she was truly blessed to have stayed alive.

She was scavenging a garbage dump that day, with a desperation to stay alive and her fur stained with blood.

Perhaps I ought to have left her alone. Touching her would stain my own clothes; and I had no reason to think she would have a better life under my care...

But before I knew it, she was already bundled in my arms, my cheek pressed to her fur.

I felt the warmth of her body, and the beat of her heart. And now that I'd found her, there was no way I could leave her alone.

She could stain my clothes for all I care...

If she had died only after there wasn't anything more I could've done to save her, I could still live the rest of my life with that feeling of helplessness and regret.

But if I were to simply abandon this precious life to die, then I could never love myself again. And if I were ever unable to love even myself, why, I wouldn’t be able to live on for even a second longer.

So you see, it was for myself that I picked her up and cared for her, cherished her, and fed her.

I may not be able to save every helpless life in existence, but I wish to protect at least those that are around me.

Then, those who I protected and raised may in turn grow up to be tall and strong and splendid... Perhaps they may even come to provide me with solace and happiness.

And so long as that cycle of love persists, I'll be able to believe that the world isn't all that bad.

Jun: ... and what're you tryna say with all that?

Hiyori: What I'm saying is that you don’t need to be anxious or afraid either, Jun-kun.

You may have asked “Why me?”... but does there truly need to be a reason? Why not just go with the thought that it was the wonderful destiny God always had in store for you, and leave it at that?

More importantly — we'll be getting busy soon enough, so you should go take a bath, change into your pajamas, and get enough sleep for tomorrow.

Jun: ... gotcha. We're gonna barge right into Yumenosaki tomorrow under the pretense of meeting up with Hidaka-sensei, right?

Hiyori: Yes. We'll say our hellos, first of all. Then, just like the typical rivals of a shounen manga, we'll defeat that group they call Ba-barrier.

"Ba-barrier defeated when even Project-Saga's fan-favourite Rain-bows struggled against them — just who are these victors!?"

... So shall be our headline as they welcome our debut with dramatic fanfare! ♪

Jun: Haha. With a dramatic entrance like that, wouldn’t it be embarrassing if we just ended up losing against those Ba-barrier guys?

Hiyori: Our possibility of losing is zero. Well, Ba-barrier does have Madara-kun, so they may not quite go down without a fight...

But no man or devil stands the slightest chance of victory against us... Not when we have the divine perfection of our ruthless angel of victory on our side.

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

#ensemble stars #enstars #enstars translation #s: saga #hyenahunttl #jun sazanami. #hiyori tomoe

[ink-on-the-brink]

Fuck it I'm tired of this shit- PSA TIME!!!!

NO ONE WANTS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR ABOUT HOW LONELY AND DEPRESSED YOU ARE ON RANDOM FUCKING POSTS!!!

Listen okay, I get it. Depression is incredibly difficult to deal with and isolation can make it feel like you're alone in a world full of billions of people. However this doesn't give you a free pass to express those feelings to anyone you come across. No one wants to go into the comments of a feel good story and see them full of "God I wish people cared about me" and "it's cool to have people care about you, at least I guess so"

I mean imagine what it's like to see all those comments when you're the person who posted the story? It's like no one can post happy stories anymore without waves of people making them feel bad for it. Whether that is unintentional or not. It's just so fucking draining to live in a world where people can't be happy, or share a silly story, or say people care about them, without large swaths of people making them feel so shitty for it. As if sharing their moment of happiness was somehow wrong when others are so miserable.

Life is hard, and this is not a call for you to be quiet about your pain. If you're feeling lonely or depressed or are in any bad state of mind. I want you to talk about it. It want you to seek help and get that help in return. But putting that trauma onto random strangers isn't okay and it isn't funny either. Imagine saying that stuff to a real person? Imagine someone telling you that their birthday party went well and then saying "damn, wish people cared about me that much". You're making people feel guilty for being happy. You aren't trying to improve yourself. You're making yourself harder to be around.

I understand that misery loves company. That phrase is very apparent in any place where misery is often found, but most apparent when there should be none of it. So please, let people just have happy stories. I just want to read something without being reminded how horrible other people's lives are. It feels like you people just want everyone to be as depressed as you. That we should all just give up and accept that life just sucks and happy moments are fleeting.

Well I'm sorry, but as a person who has spent the majority of their life living in that same state of depression, I don't want to do that. In fact that's the opposite of what I want. I want to look at a happy story and think about how great it is that it happened. I don't want to live in misery, I think we've all done just about enough of that. I want to find at least just a little happiness every day I can. All I ask is that you guys are least try to do the same.

#its just so draining #all this sadness everywhere and it's like no ones even trying to feel better #like we're all just choosing misery #vent #rant #psa

[29daffodils]

When you get this you have to answer with 5 of your fav songs and then tag your mutuals to do the same :) (no pressure <3)

thanks for the tag @peachym00 🩷🌸 i would have done this under the reblog chain but just didn't feel like scrolling so much 1 in the morning I'm so sorry 🫣

so here's some all time favourites and current ones. might be a little more than 5 songs. but oh well. when have i followed rules 👀

in no particular order :

1. yellow by coldplay

this is the song that helps me not give up sometimes. in my incredibly lonely life, this gives me hope that even if no one else is by me to tell me they love me, maybe one day i will love myself.

2. make my sun shine by swim deep

this is the song i discovered through my favourite BL manhwa "the shape of your love" and never looked back. this was also the first time i ever saw music used in a manhwa, music that was readily available and of course i fell in love with the mc who was quite similar to myself. this song is peppy and sweet and just so fluffy it can rot your teeth.

3. the aspidistra flies by stars

i found this song through a sasunaru fic once upon a time when i still used ffn. the fic was great and so is this song. a perfect ode to love, if you ask me. i loved it so much that i actually wrote a fic to it for my favourite boys and I'm still not over it. it's been over a decade.

4. stranger by jeff satur

jeff has so many good songs and I'm fairly new to thai pop artists, but god damn, this man knows how to write love songs. this is my favourite from him simply because no one talks about it and the atmosphere it creates. I'm a sucker for rare things lol, be it a manhwa or this song. and maybe i have a thing for snow and cold and relationships falling apart and mending at the same time. i dunno. i love the melancholy in this song.

5. first love by BTS (min yoongi)

You say don't leave like this Don't worry even if I leave You'll do well on your own I remember when I first met you Before I knew it you grew up

min yoongi, the man that you are. i love pretty much everything by him. I'm also new to BTS's music but this guy is something else. i started with his solos and then listened to BTS. but goddamn, the moment i heard this one, i was done for. this could have been a tie with amygdala or snooze (both of those are my favourites), but the passion in this is unmatched to me and, well, this reminds me of the person i lost. somehow it feels nice to know someone else felt the way i felt back then. also it always makes me cry.

p.s. : i also discovered this song through an incredible taejin fic lmao so if you wanna read that, i'll drop a link.

some honourable mentions :

1. epiphany by BTS (kim seokjin)

this is the first bts song i ever listened to, back before i even cared about any kpop. let's just say, i hope i learn to love myself too.

2. paratiisi by ville valo & agents

this is a song i found after i lost my best friend to suicide. i was recced this by her cousin and i instantly fell in love with it. sometimes it reminds me of her, though V's taste was more sabotage by chisu 😂

3. moonchild by RM

this is the song that gives me hope these days. that's all i gotta say.

4. awake by BTS (kim seokjin)

this is the song that puts into words my current state of mind. i really am in a super shitty place at the moment and i dunno if i'll ever get out of here but i wanna hope.

5. diphylleia grayi by jonghyun

yeah okay this song just makes me howl cry alright. i love it very much even though i haven't dared look up the lyrics. i hold most of jonghyun's songs very close to my heart. so.

ahhhh i think this is it! tagging @boyslovecorner @ae-azile @lilitblaukatz @thisautistic @goodbyeapathy8 @justfionn and if anyone else wants to do it! feel free to ignore otherwise!

edit : tagging @skyfish7 in this because i've finally found her!!!!

#Spotify #tag game #source : 29daffodils #my posts

[docholligay]

Record of a Spaceborn Few

 The “why I want you to read this”: Look, you'll read it in an afternoon and then I will move on to constantly telling you to read some other sci-fi book, because it's an incredibly varied genre just like any other and I promise you you do not hate all of it. This is a book about what happens to a community formed by adversity when the adversity goes away. It's about identity, diaspora and growing up in a shitty town in the middle of nowhere. Also it takes place on a spaceship.

(This made me laugh very hard btw, and applause)

This book I think was largely not for me. It DID suffer for coming between The Iron Tracks: A novel about revenge and what it means to carry it around, and what you do when it is done, written by a Holocaust Survivor, and, The Power of the Dog: A Western novel about work and discipline and judgment as forms of self-hatred, and what it all comes to.

Record is about, like, baking nice bread in space and teenagers looking for jobs. Feeling lonely. Finding purpose. It’s very much a slice of life novel. Which I CAN like, but the characters have to be very compelling for me to get into that, and this didn’t get there. I was bored much of the time, because the prose never elevated the story above, “wow we really should have a cultural class for immigrants! I’ll volunteer!”

Thing I liked the best: In SOME moments, this is a book about living in highly rural areas, and what it means to have that as a part of you, and how to save it. these are the moments I connected it with it! In moments there is an intense connection with the DIFFICULTY of the choice, and the hardship of the land, that I found truly incredible. A few lines about it I marked out about being specifically beautiful. I think I actually would have liked the book more if if engaged more with “The Fleet I live in now is not the Fleet i fucking grew up with, and I am MAD about that, and I am struggling with that!” because in the brief moments it engaged with that I was screaming “Yes! This also has happened to me and I’M MAD AS HELL!” and then it was like, “Everyone moving there wants to engage culturally with the established culture, just love them uwu” I was shaking her by though shoulders going “ I am BEGGING you to go talk to people from rural cultures in a meaningful way” because it’s ALMOST THERE!!

Thing I liked the least: BOY, Chambers sure wants to make xe/xyr happen instead of they/them. This is essentially settled law in modern English. It’s done. They/them has existed for MANY MANY YEARS and is a natural and normal way for English speakers to reflect the sentiment. It had the same effect on me as a modern author saying “his or her,” which for many years was the correct way but now, is not. Because, the law has been settled.

But yeah, mostly it was a slice of life novel with a bent toward a nigh-naive way of looking at humanity in this near perfect space kibbutz that I agree with on paper but I also know that “sometimes adults chose NOT to take jobs, and there was SHAME :’((, so people discovered their passion for sorting cargo” isn’t quite realistic enough for me to engage with the world.  To touch on the above, with the Fleet changing, and dying, and the upset behind that, I would have loved more engagement with that, but it would have required Chambers to LET THE FUCK GO of her quasi-Startrekkian brightsidedness. 

I am being very serious when I say a major plot line is a teenager figuring out the job he wants and also not to do drugs.

#doc reads

[roobylavender]

what would you say are some of talia's flaws? or undealt with issues/mindsets/beliefs that harm her in the long run?

oh GOODY

self-worth the size of a raisin. obv this marginally improves with her decision to leave both ra's and bruce behind but it's not like her situation at lexcorp necessarily helps. for all of the hatred i can express towards death and the maidens i do think it gets the idea right that by the end of her stint talia is incredibly embittered and lonely to the point of extreme vulnerability bc she feels like she matters to no one. i honestly think the general premise of death and the maidens could have been a great way to finally explore the brunt of all of that self-inflicted inferiority if not for the fact that writers after its publication gave less than two fucks about addressing it (probably in line with the whole chasing every o'neil protégé out of bat editorial thing rucka and grayson talked about)

she would sacrifice herself at the drop of a hat. most of the time we tend to frame this as the cornerstone of her sense of duty but i also believe it stems from the fact that living under ra's has ultimately made her view herself as a cog in the machine. for however much she espouses an appreciation of the world around us and taking the time to truly live at the end of the day she will sacrifice her own long-term happiness if it means doing something for the greater good. again. lexcorp. she put herself in one of the most isolated and miserable positions a person could take with no other connections to reach out to for over a year bc she knew it was the right thing to do and she had the power to do it

infuriatingly stubborn. this is what factors more into her sense of duty imo like the self-sacrificial nature definitely stems from how she was raised but the stubbornness is purely a product of her personal moral code and yet again a catalyst to her progressive isolation and loneliness bc she's willing to let go how unhappy something might make her so long as the something is by her own choice and to some beneficial end. hence why lexcorp is an endeavor she sees through even though it makes her miserable

these are the big ones imo and they all kinda overlap with each other to paint this really interesting picture of a woman trapped within the narrative. which i think can actually present incredible storytelling opportunities (i discuss it a little re: carol here) so long as you as a writer are willing to contend with those circumstances in good faith and address them wholeheartedly rather than simply skirt past them as necessary elements to the story. not to bring up death and the maidens again but with some tweaks here and there i really do think it could have been an interesting direction to pursue with talia as a character. to me the problem with the comic is not so much that this relationship with nyssa was created (though let me clarify i absolutely wish the specific details of nyssa's background were different bc haphazardly using the holocaust as a plot point was fucked and weird) and carried out to that end rather the problem is we get no actual resolution to the comic in any narrative thereafter. and i think that stems not just from the way editorial priorities were shifting at the time but also bc of how bruce was framed to react to talia being "converted" to evil towards the end. like yeah i think you can reason bruce might have expected a rejection from her bc a good chunk of lexcorp era was about him recognizing how indirectly shitty he had been to her but at the same time that never meant he believed she was capable of being as evil and depraved as her father (and thereby nyssa) and ideally the follow-up to death and the maidens should have been about bruce trying to get to the root of what happened to her and trying to save her with the help of people who would also then grow to care about her so she could develop the support network she always needed to survive. and we all know that never happened bc editorial didn't care lol

#eh i'll tag for funsies it's been a while #death and the maidens is similar to under the red hood to me in that the premise is genuinely interesting but #the execution in places is severely lacking and leads to more dead ends than loose threads that can be picked up thereafter #outbox #talia al ghul #dc

[klara-rosa]

I've been on my summer holidays for 2 weeks now (& got one more week left, going to Norway in 2 days ✌️) and it is ALWAYS the same pattern that when I have time off and no real schedule and routine, I start spiralling so, so quickly and SO badly.

I just procrastinate all the time and I sleep in and I ignore my house chores. I snap at people and live my days in denial. All of it annoys me, however the thing that is most bothersome to me about this is that I also start to think about my past a lot and my past relationships and then I start comparing my life to theirs and I just start hating myself so, so, so much.

I would say I always dislike myself but when I'm in this mood, I get so embarrassed and ashamed of who I was when I was younger. And I understand that a lot of people probably feel like this about their teenage self (I hope!), but it is only now that I'm in my late twenties that I even realize how mentally sick and unwell I already was as a kid and that a lot of the time, I was unable to cope with that and I feel like as a result I wasn't always the easiest and most pleasant person to be around. And that's what hurts so much because now, and for the past 10 years or so, my number 1 priority in associating with other people is that I ALWAYS want to be kind, warm, polite and pleasant towards them. It is so important to me. Yet I feel like the people from my past see me as a mean and complicated person when they think about me.

I also always think about my ex best friend in these situations and how shitty it is that the last time I really allowed someone into my life, like REALLY let them in, tell them about my homelife, my feelings, my problems, my past, was when I met her. And then she was sort of everything to me for a long time and I loved her unconditionally. And eversince we parted ways, I have been completely and utterly unable to form a friendship with someone else on this level because I don't want to experience a loss like that again and I don't want to trust again only to be left behind another time.

All while I am incredibly lonely and isolated and, really, have no one but secretly would love to have a friend again that feels more like a sister.

Anyway, routine is everything to me these days. When I don't have it, I'm sort of lost. Just mentally-ill girl things ✌️

#basically i have issues #personal #mental health #depression

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

A Not Literally Real But Essentially Real Part (With a Short Reason For Why I'm Sharing It Today)

Yesterday, J and The Boy and G the Psychotic Clown Dog and I took a walk in a county park. There are two parks closer to our home, but we went to the one with the long trail yesterday, sort of as a 'treat.' You know...for G mostly, but for all of us since it's the one we don't go to as much and it's obviously a longer walk outside and a longer time together. We all expected it to be a nice time. As we turned one trail corner, another couple was walking a cute little corgi (we love corgis). All of us focused on the adorable dog, but as they got closer to us, the man half of the couple was someone who emotionally abused and kind of terrorized me seven years ago, back when I considered him a friend. I won't get into the specifics of what he did here, but I guess if you want those details, I probably should talk about it more to deal with it, since even with not seeing him at all for seven years, and never thinking about him at all for most of those seven years, seeing him for maybe 10 seconds yesterday still triggered me. I've written recently about how being lonely in my life has led me to connect to some pretty shitty people. I've never had an easy go of things making and especially keeping friends. So I've fallen for users and narcissists more than my fair share of time in the friendship department across my life. J is the most important and easiest connection I've ever made in my life, and yeah...I've had bad luck with human connection, particularly making lasting friends, but J isn't my only good connection, and I do have some good friends. I really do. So today I'm sharing a piece of my novel, Community, which is the sequel to the first novel I wrote and let other people read, so it's the same characters.

I didn't literally meet my friends A and D this way in middle school, but I DID meet them both in middle school, and they were the first two people to be genuinely kind to me at a new school where I didn't know anyone. I wasn't bullied in elementary school like Jess was, but I did feel separated in a permanent way when I left my old district, and I was really separated for partial days from the other kids while I was there, into a group of me and just boys. Josh Shepard is heavily inspired by my real life bestie, A, and Kurtis Richardson is heavily inspired by my real life dear friend, D, who truly was literally the first person to be nice to me when I moved to my middle/high school school district. I am so grateful for these men. They're real. They befriended me despite how weird and quiet I am, and have always appreciated the quirky shit about me, and have never lied to me, and have never used me. So anyway...this isn't literally real, but it's how I emotionally feel about meeting A and D, and how I feel about their continued friendship and positive, kind, supportive presence in my life. They are my old friends.

Excerpt from Community:

Josh Shepard drew a snake-like, fire-breathing dragon on the slick top of his seventh grade pre-algebra desk in number two pencil. It was incredibly ornate and lifelike, but when Mr. Ramos entered the class with a new student practically hiding behind him, Josh licked his thumb and erased his work, staining his skin, so he looked like he’d just had a thumbprint taken.

“Why don’t you draw that stuff on paper, man? So you can save it? That’s good stuff,” Kurtis Richardson said from the seat to his right. They were the first two students in the first row. Mr. Ramos was known for making his classroom hyper-competitive, which Kurtis thrived on and Josh hated. They were the highest two averages, thus the seating positions. Sometimes Kurtis and Josh switched chairs at the beginning of a week, but they always occupied the first two seats. Three other students sat to Kurtis’s right, but there was an empty seat at the end of the row, because there were only five A’s in the honors class. The rest of Ramos’ tough math section were B’s and C’s.

“Wastes paper. Besides, it’s all up here,” Josh said, tapping his temple with his pencil eraser. “I can recreate that dragon whenever I want. Worst case? I improve on it next time I draw it.”

“You got a real unique view of the universe, Sheep.”

Kurtis and Josh met in preschool, and were virtually inseparable despite their rather significant personality differences. Kurtis was outgoing and popular. Josh kept to himself, mostly. Kurtis was an athlete. Josh was an artist. They were both quite bright, though, and because of their congruent academic talent, they made fast and lasting friends.

“Who’s the new kid?” Josh asked, still unable to see anything around Mr. Ramos but a pair of skinny, denim-clad legs and blue Chuck Taylor sneakers.

“Dunno.”

Jessica Fielding stood staring at the floor, feeling all the eyes in room trying to see through Mr. Ramos to get a good look at her. She usually didn’t register anyone looking at her, but couldn’t be immune to it in an enclosed space where everyone was. She stayed behind her new math teacher and tried to slow her breathing. She felt anxious, and knew she had to calm herself before anyone asked her to speak, or she was sure she wouldn’t make any friends. She’d go too fast. She’d stutter. She’d end up in the same boat she was at her old school. Jessie liked herself, awkward dorkiness and all, but she expected it to be difficult starting over finding other people that she felt comfortable around; that would be comfortable around her. She knew she was an acquired taste. Her own mother had told her so repeatedly. And the kids at her old school, especially the girls, ostracized her for it.

Jess had been part of a select gifted program there; herself and four other students, all boys. She was already inclined to like ‘boyish’ things, and those interests naturally developed and blossomed spending most of her time with only boys. She didn’t like wearing dresses or playing with dolls as a little girl; she liked wearing sneakers and overalls and watching sports and learning how machines worked. She didn’t draw pictures of horses and rainbows and princesses; she drew knights and dragons (but still rainbows). In the first grade, she’d had her hair cut short like Mary Lou Retton. This, added to being part of that program where she was removed from ‘regular’ class for a large section of the school day to be the only girl in a group of boys, triggered the girls in her class to start callingher a boy. Instead of Jess, they called her ‘Jeff.’ That name stuck even after she’d grown her hair back out long. ‘Jeff’ lasted all the way into early seventh grade when she’d left. She didn’t miss her old school at all, but being in a new place made her nervous in equal measure to relieved. She couldn’t help fretting that this new place could be worse.

“Shepard? Richardson? First row? Move on down a seat,” Mr. Ramos said. Kurtis and Josh looked at each other and stacked up their books to move over, already impressed that whoever the new kid was had unseated them in spots one and two.

“Smart new kid,” Kurtis whispered. They took their new desks as a tiny, red-haired girl sat in the far left front row seat. They both smiled at her. She smiled back, but it was an obviously uneasy smile.

“S-sorry.” She apologized for uprooting them on her behalf, and pretty much existing in her current form. She put her head down on the desk, fevered that she’d stammered even just that one word already.

“Not ‘sorry,’” Josh insisted. “You earned the top seat. I shouldn’t have drawn on it like it was mine before you came in,” he said, apologetic himself, still two minutes to the bell.

“You made the dragon?! That’s amazing,” she said clearly, smiling wider now.

“You...can still see that dragon? I thought I...” Josh stared hard at the spot on the desk where he’d drawn, unable to see any residual lines, then at his dark gray thumb.

“Yeah. I’m um...good at that. S-sorry,” she said again.

“Don’t be sorry for what you’re good at. Be proud of it,” Kurtis said. “Whatcher name?”

“Like you’re ever gonna call her by her name...” Josh laughed. This sentence made Jessica panic, wondering what it meant, but she answered him anyway.

“J-Jessica.”

“Ok, J-Jessica. Imma just call you ‘J.’ I’m K. Ramos is gonna say ‘Kurtis Richardson’ on the roll inna second, but I’m K. Yeah?” He nodded at her, his already friendly smile becoming friendlier. She already reminded him of Josh. He’d reacted the same backward, halting way when they’d met as four-year-olds.

“Okay. K. And then you’re…?” she bashfully addressed Josh.

“That’s Sheepherder,” K answered over Josh.

“What?” Jessie said, totally confused.

Josh and Kurtis both chuckled that she seemed to not understand it was a nickname. “I’m Josh. Shepard. Shepard. Y’know? Shepherd’s a sheepherder?”

“Oh. R-right.” Her face turned red, feeling silly and stupid that she took Kurtis so literally.

The bell rang, and Josh leaned over to inform Jessica, “Y’know, K is likely to change up your nickname once he knows you better. Just a warning. I’ll be surprised if just ‘J’ sticks long term.”

“Oh. Well, that’s okay. I mean, y-you guys um...you can call me w-whatever. I don’t care. Long as it’s not mean. Y’know? Like...not mean stuff.”

“K would never ever give somebody a mean nickname. Unless the person was actually mean.”

“That’s enough, Mr. Shepard. Class is up here now,” Mr. Ramos said, knocking the chalkboard with his elbow. “Ok, radicals and exponents...”

“Seriously, Jess...Jess ok?” Josh asked, not much caring if Mr. Ramos called him out again. He wanted to put her at ease; which is the other reason Kurtis called him ‘Sheepherder.’ ‘You’re a real ‘go get the lost lambs’ kinda guy, Sheep.’ Jess nodded, her eyes darting from Josh to Mr. Ramos frantically, fearful he’d get in trouble for her. “We’re gonna be friends. No mean stuff. I promise.” Josh smiled at her, and she felt more comfortable than she’d ever felt at her old school. Josh didn’t make fun of the anxious stutter or her red hair or her perfect math score. And he liked to draw things, just like her. And Kurtis had already given her a nickname. Not Jeff. A nice one. That’s what friends did. She visibly relaxed, and paid attention to the lesson in front of her, even though she’d already gone over radicals and exponents weeks ago in her previous pre-algebra class.

***

“So...tell me ‘bout yerself,” K kindly demanded as he set his tray of square cheese pizza, carrots, corn, and chocolate milk next to Jessica’s. He planted his feet firmly on the floor, turned toward her, engaging in direct eye contact with a goofy grin on his face, and rested his chin in his hand, giving her comical but clearly undivided attention.

“Can you maybe turn the volume down?” Josh said. Kurtis was the stand-out in this new group of three they’d formed, and Josh wanted to keep it a group of three. He loved K, but sometimes, he wanted the opinion of someone more like him; another obvious introvert. He didn’t want K’s ostentatious manner to frighten her away. But he shouldn’t have been so concerned. Jessica was giggling.

“No, don’t,” she laughed. “I like you loud.” Kurtis looked across the table at Josh, his expression saying, ‘How ‘bout that then?’ Josh thought for a moment K might actually stick out his tongue. “Um...I don’t know what to say,” Jess offered.

“Why’d you move here mid-year?” K asked.

“Moved to a bigger house ‘cause...um...baby brother on the way,” she said.

“Yeah? How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have a brother and a sister,” Kurtis informed her. “Big brother, little sister. George and Aisha.”

“Just the baby brother on the way.” She shrugged.

“You’re almost an only child. Were one for a long time. No wonder you’re just like Sheep.”

“No siblings?” she asked her counterpart as he drank his milk directly from the carton without a straw.

“Nope. Just me and my mom.” Josh quickly turned the subject back to Kurtis’s family, because he didn’t want to discuss his own. “George is in high school this year. Aisha’s a fifth grader.”

“Cool,” Jessica said, nodding at Kurtis.

“New baby’s pretty cool,” Kurtis said. “You’ll be able to really teach him stuff and not fight with him. You miss your old friends?”

“What old friends?” she said, shrugging again. Kurtis and Josh looked at each other and made a wordless pact that she’d never say that sentence again. They’d become her old friends.

#personal #fiction and nonfiction #like I told a friend right after it happened yesterday it seems the universe is determined I deal with this shit right now #it's time to find the pattern so I don't repeat it again I guess #grateful for real friends and old friends

[ares-mars-odysseus]

A lone wanderer, Ares-Mars-Odysseus, is journeying through the states of the U.S.A

1. worker’s yoga pants

[Enter- us, as these timeless deities, into a cowboy saloon, somewhere in Cardova – North Carolina]

In this place where shattered souls go to find solace, drunkards yammer and stammer, onlooking the catwalk with the pole– half-expecting you to strut down it in your high heels, tight yoga pants and leather jacket; your ex, the cynical old man- his banjo would accent your every step from the back of the room, in years past. Yet now, the ex-cuck is reduced to smoking his cigar in his rocking chair, cosy and cloaked under his warm, tweed-knit blanket. He’s seen it all. Even you?

We frantically ask him:

"HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?"

No response.

We frantically ask every drunkard in the room: "HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?"

No response.

The mouthless puppets of sleep can’t respond.

Instead, [the rocking ex-cuck raises his cane. It points deep into the South]

2. peach vuzz

We want to wander some more.

Lost, our feet dig through the Ashville scorch of searing sand.

We see the market off in the distance where couples roam, smoking zoots, eating exotic-RIPENED-REFRESHING peaches and sipping dirty-FILTHY-PUTRIFYING chai latte, pressed from the finest of peach vuzz

can’t be described, how many times do I have to tell you?

When we're close, we ask them:

You know It’s ineffable,-ethereal-METAPHYSICAL, right? HAVE YOU SEEN THEM But you always describe things as that when they aren’t

PEACHY! While pointing at the picture

These are just memories

aren’t they? Memories of what we created.

MEMORIES of You.

But, they don’t recognise you because

the puppets of sleep are faceless.

Instead, [the couples form a horde and try to embrace us in a mass hug, but topple over one another as they fall…thousands of puppets yearn upwards – arms outstretched]

3. pluto, the incredibly defensive, talking cat

Roaming through West Virginia/

PLUTO: Meowdy, Ares.

ARES: WHAT?

PLUTO: I said- Meowdy, Mars!

MARS: WHAT?

PLUTO: It’s a pun – you combine Meow with Howdy. It’s a no-brainer. Don’t you get it, Odysseus - Verbal alchemy of sorts.

ODYSSEUS: WHAT?

PLUTO: Oh...OH…Ohhh I see. I cut y’all off from carrying on your little venture around here – your [licks paw in a cunning, suave and slick way] story of sorts…Mmh…Well here’s the end of the story partner - I'M THE ONLY COWBOY WHO “SLAY!!!”s around here. YOU can’t fuck on me. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM! Now, if you’d excuse me, I have a 1000 CUCUMBER FRIEND, wrapped in plastic, to unwr-attend to.

ARES-MARS-ODYSSEUS: NO - THE MOUTHLESS PUPPETS OF SLEEP CAN’T RESPOND.

ARES-MARS-ODYSSEUS: NO - THE MOUTHLESS PUPPETS OF SLEEP CAN’T RESPOND.

ARES-MARS-ODYSSEUS: NO - THE MOUTHLESS PUPPETS OF SLEEP CAN’T

PLUTO: Damn- Uhm. Y’all are the one that really sound like a puppet! Heheheh. Uhm, three points. Firstly, uhm, the ‘MOUTHLESS PUPPETS OF SLEEP’ CAN respond. Secondly, uhm, I’m not a ‘MOUTHLESS PUPPET OF SLEEP’ -- I clearly have a mouth, that’s why I’m speaking. DUH. Thirdly, uhm, who even made the shitty phrase- what kind of verbal alchemy is that anyways? Definitely not the good type.

ARES-MARS-ODYSSEUS: WHA- WHO ARE YOU; WHY ARE YOU HERE?     

PLUTO: Woah, woah, easy there partner…well, ever since I carried that dead bird home in my mouth, they, didn’t feel the same about me anymore, so, they let me go…abandoned me. I guess my nature- ravenous, craving…instinctual as it was--IS, made them leave. But hey, I’m used to saying— [turns to leave] Meowdios…

ARES-MARS-ODYSSEUS: They…They? THEY!!! H-HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?

4. Your lost poetry

We see a piece of you whistling in the wind as Pluto leaves.

It falls.

A line in the sand is marked by the note. We pick it up – it says:

“You cannot accept

That you might never see me again

Because that means accepting

That you made a mistake

by letting me go in the first place

-you can’t have your cake and eat it too"

We fall to our knees, and say:

ARES: The contingency was mistaken as a lack of contingency…

MARS: Might never see you again? There’s still a chance -

ODYSSEUS: WE ACCEPT. WE ACCEPT. WE ACCEPT.

What happens next?                    

                                                                                     Contortion of the truth

Does another note flutter by     

the manipulator carries the knife

to make the last line about cake

                                                                      to cut my cake

more prominent?                       

                                               and feed off me

An analogy that is expanded to                       

                          inaudibly rambling their justification

make sense?                                                                                                                                          for leaving

Because If you want – we won’t eat it.

Take OUR cake.

ALL OF OUR CAKE.

Our cake is a metaphor for OUR

CAPACITY TO LOVE - BOTTOMLESS

BOTTOMLESS CAKE -

all for you to gorge on.

ARES-MARS-ODYSSEUS: We...forgot...that note wasn't made for us...it was made for the other shattered souls back at the bar...

5. deity of deadpan

These fistfuls of burning quicksand slowly sear into the flesh of our hands, up our nerves, through our minds, where the image of the estranged deity resides. Inside this disintegrating mess that has engulfed us, no effort is made to clutch onto dear life. We begin to encroach on illustrious exaggerations of them- we guess they’re what we see off in the distance of these sandy planes - our mirage; the only thing that can save us now. How to completely disappear when waiting to be consumed by earth is a slow process with still so much time to think? Maybe we've already become one of those puppets back at the bar...lost, yearning, broken. Our closed eyes pan in whatever direction the sun is. A faint monochrome light arises, meeting us inside this darkness. The light emanates from this cloaked figure which approaches us - ‘Is it the deity of deadpan that alludes us?’ The fragments of half clung thoughts ask. Us and them - the way it’s always been; the only thing we've ever seen. We feel something cling to our chin – is it half a finger from a leather glove? Our senses can’t work out anything anymore – they can’t even distinguish up from down - maybe the sand has consumed us by now. Just as quick as that thought passes, direction is restored and our neck bends backwards; chin tipping upwards to meet the trickle down stream of water channelled through our sand chapped lips.

Beneath the ocean of life lays a constant of arising and cessation. Along the wispy desert of Death Valley, amidst the sarcophagus of sunset orange, this was most clear. We long for an end to searching - to suffering. This end was reached when our desires were fulfilled and a figure, independent to our own, approached and nurtured us. We could now open our eyes to the reality that he we'd been blinded to –

two glimmering reflections of us, horizontal to one another, emanate from the figure’s hood – eyes from a face. A FACE. THE CEASELESS DARKNESS WRAPS ITSELF INTO SOMETHING FAMILIAR BUT NOT RECOGNISABLE; A VESSEL OF SPEECH WIDENS ITSELF TO SAY: ‘have you seen them?’ Tracing the figure’s eyes, they look down to their hand. Protruding from their black cloak, it carries the lime green strands of your hair attached to your

severed head.

#poems and poetry #poetry #poems and quotes #writing #creative writing

[theimmortalbeloved]

The One Where’s It’s Been A While

It’s been about 2 years. Not much has changed. Well, it has. But the essence is kinda the same. Oli is incredible but I feel like life - me in general, actually - is going downhill. Over the last 2 years things were just busier, so I couldn’t take time to write. To share feelings. Not even time to process them, tbh. 

It’s been a while since my anxiety kicked in hard. I had skin issues and all that physical crap you can imagine. That plus PPD. And well, none are being completely taken care of. Which is my fault. I know! But yeah, things aren’t pretty. 

In a mix of crap, we both made mistakes. I’m not keeping score, cause if I would, well. I probably would not be here. Bia said the other day that I might be putting all of my seeds in a land that will not give me a harvest to reap. And that just got me thinking a lot. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but she might be right. I love him to pieces. But I’m being shredded in this process. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks. Never felt worse than this. 

I’ve never been lonelier as well. I can count on one hand people I can turn to but none of them are close. So yeah, it’s shitty. Working from home, not a single soul in sight. Not even when he’s at home I stop feeling lonely. I don’t think he gets it. I also don’t feel at home anywhere anymore. Not at mom’s, not here, not at grandma’s. Literally nowhere. I feel misplaced most of the time. And I don’t know hot to fix it.