klara-rosa

[klara-rosa]

On wednesday I had my first therapy session in 3 weeks and it was such an emotional one that I really struggled to hold back tears (and I know it's normal to cry in therapy but in all my years of going I have only cried twice in therapy and one of those times was my LAST session with my previous therapist when I felt like the world's gonna end because AGAIN I lost someone important to me)

Anyway so I tried to be as honest and open as possible and it was so nice to just have someone acknowledge that you feel like shit, like my therapist said she thought about everything going on recently and she saw that I'm really struggling and that my level of mental/emotional pain is high

We talked about all kinds of things and she also said that she would like me to see a psychologist to have a diagnostic evaluation to see what's really going on diagnose wise because she thinks I might have PTSD and when I told her that I already did such an evaluation once fore BPD she became all ears and told me she thinks I might have BPD and she gave me a book to read up on it

So all of a sudden I might have 2 more mental illnesses 👍 but I'm actually pretty chill about it...like, okay. Just please help me get answers. Tell me what to do to become better. PLEASEEEE

#BPD is not new to me because i did think and was kinda diagnosed with it for a couple months once before #I read some of the book and there are a LOT of things that match up but some things don't match at all #like I don't have bouts of anger come up or take drugs alcohol whatever I also don't harm myself or have a reckless sex life or something #I am constantly feeling empty and like I don't know who I am and what I like #and sometimes that emptiness just crashes in on me all at once and I feel like I'm losing it #I also am deeply afraid of losing people and being abandonded #And other things #not everything matches but a lot of things do and I think there are a lot of things I do/feel/say that could be borderline-related #anyway I will go do that and we will see #I'll also think about medication again because I'm really really really not well atm #We also talked about me possibly ending therapy and she said she would have to let me go but that she doesn't really want to #and that she thinks part of why I want to leave is because we get to the 'greasy' stuff so the things that actually made me go to therapy #Anyway #My life is a mess and I don't have any sense of self anymore 👍 #personal #mental health #therapy diaries #borderline personality disorder #bpd

[klara-rosa]

Okay so I decided to give it one last go

I want to become active again, I want to MOVE and have sore muscles from actually using them, I want to sit in the sun and watch my freckles re-appear, I want to trust people and let myself like them even if they might hurt me again, I want to find hobbies, I want to have things in my life I actually enjoy, I want to have a personality and character and joy

I want to not be so hard on myself. Like, I spent most of my weekend sleeping, resting, relaxing. Because obviously my body needed it so I'm gonna let it be!

I'm gonna accept compliments, man. I'll say thanks and get on with it. If you don't like me, guess what, that's your problem dude! Not mine!

Radical honesty! I'll try one more time

#personal #mental health #I've decided to stay alive for now

[klara-rosa]

no more studying for this girl 🥰

#I passed my exam yesterday with 5 awards #5 out of 5 #so...atleast all my fretting the last few months has paid off #I am cooling down now and just relaxing for the first time this year maybe #🥰 #personal #mental health

[klara-rosa]

I have a really big exam on Wednesday that I've been studying for for about 5 weeks now (really more like 7 or 8) and I am so exhausted, my mind and body just feel tired. I feel so out of touch with myself, like I'm aware of how poor my mental health is atm but I'm too tired and hyperfocused on studying to deal with it. I've cried a lot the last weeks and had a huuuge breakdown last week during which I behaved absolutely DISGUSTING and I just feel like I have so many deeply personal issues which I truly don't have any idea how to solve. I don't know how to be better. If I pass this exam, my work contract will become permanent and I will receive full salary. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last 2,5 years to get to this point. But if I pass this now, I don't know what to do, what comes next. Until now I got uo every day to get to work, always knowing that I have to make it to this point where I have to take this exam and until then I was just holding on. But...I have no life outside of work. I have no hobbies, nothing interests me and my need for perfectionism also prevents me from just trying a lot of things. I have, really, one true friend who is a colleague and we both kind of don't really want to hang out in our free time. I'm so wary and scared of people, I don't want to get close to anyone but at the same time I CRAVE closeness and friendships and just a hug every now and then.

I feel like I'm at a point where I have to decide between life and death. It sounds so stupid because this is triggered by an EXAM for my stupid, meaningless work but I feel like I have to make a decision whether I want to start living, making friends, becoming active, seeking hobbies, seeing the pretty parts of life or whether I want to give up. Finally give up. God knows I've been holding on for a long time and this way of living is just no longer sustainable. I'm tired.

I just don't know who I am and what I want and why I am like this. My family tells me I need to speak to my therapist urgently, I need to get new meds. But I could never make them understand why I'm wary because I don't dare tell them my honest, true thoughts. I don't knwo if taking these steps is worth it. Because my honest, true thoughts are that I'm not sure I want to stay alive. I don't know if I want to keep pushing. I don't know if I want to make it to 30. I never thought I'd make it to 20! Then to 25...this year I'm already turning 28. I've far exceeded my personal expectations.

I just don't know. I don't know.

#I will have a talk with my therapist and ask for her advice #I need someone to tell me what to do HOW TO BECOME BETTER #it's not like I WANT to be sick like this but I just don't know who I am without my mental illness #I don't know how to live and I need someone to tell me how to start living #pretty much I just am having a major crisis #personal #mental health #social anxiety #depression

[klara-rosa]

as a certified soft, gentle, calm person I just love so much that characters such as Cash exist because everytime I see him on the screen, he just resonates such gentleness, like he is shy and socially awkward sometimes and he cares about people and just lets them be and he falls in love and lets it happen even though it probably scares him and HE HAS A PET DUCK because he just wanted to save ONE so he did. Like I don't know why, can't put my finger on WHY exactly but it's just always immediatly clear to me that this is someone soft, with a gentle soul, like this is a sweet person, someone who is sensitive because they just are and they lean into it. I LOVE IT I love it I love it, I want to see more softness on screens, I want calm gentle people, I want people that exude angel energy 👼👼👼

#and the fact that he is ace also? #chefs kiss #sometimes i feel like i am watching myself on screen #I don't know how to describe it other than he is just such a gentle gentle soul #I love him #cash piggott #heartbreak high #I know he does/did things but this is his core essence to me

[klara-rosa]

#cash is living my dreammmm #ducks and geese are my favourite animals #heartbreak high

[klara-rosa]

I love Cash from Heartbreak High with all my heart 😭😭😭

#You're my soulmate? Out of nowhere??? #he is such a gentle soul #heartbreak high

[klara-rosa]

In other news, my work situation continues to be terrible. My coworker continues to attack me and make me feel like THE MOST uncooperative, difficult and stupid person on the planet. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm becoming more and more paranoid, don't know if what people say to me is believeable or not. I have this exam in 11 days and feel like I know nothing. Should I pass on the first try, I'll ask to be placed somewhere else in my workplace which will also send me into more anxiety because I cannot deal with new situations and surroundings. I'm gonna "break up" with my therapist....so all in all, my life is great, just great at the moment 👍

[klara-rosa]

One of the first things I ever told my current therapist is that I always feel like it is straining and exhausting to be around me and that I always felt my former therapist was annoyed by me. This is a HUGE problem for me as I always, always, always feel like a burden and like the biggest annoyance anyone could ever have in their life.

Today my therapist told me she feels like lately, an element of kind of a 'strain' has been creeping into our sessions. She said she never could understand what I meant before when I said I feel like I'm taking it out of people and that she always looks forward to our sessions, but that lately that has been what she feels like. And that it didn't use to be like this.

My biggest, worst nightmare has become true. She finally realized that I'm not good and hard to be around and just not a pleasant patient to have. It felt like a breakup and I was waiting for her to say that maybe we should take a break from our sessions. (Which she didn't say).

I think that maybe she meant by this that it feels like going to therapy is becoming a hardship, an unpleasant thing FOR ME, but still I now feel like....why am I even still going?

I am so, so sad. I feel so embarrassed. I feel like I am completely and utterly unable and incapable of being around people for prolongued amounts of time. They all eventually realize that I am just not someone you want to associate with.

I really believe this. I really believe I'm just not made to be around others. Which is terrifying because also one of my biggest fears is being abandoned or alone or unwanted.

I don't know. I just feel like such a failure and so embarrassed by all this. My next session will be my last, I think. I will tell her that I want to end the therapy. It just feels like the only thing there is to do now.

#This hurts so so so much #every single time my worst nightmares at some point actually become true #I am just unloveable #I really just feel like crying #This whole week has been bad #socially and emotionally i feel so empty #like i have nothing left to give #and i also feel so out of touch with myself #the only thing I feel is deep hatred for myself #and the realization that i once again failed #personal #therapy diaries #mental health #don't want to be here anymore

[klara-rosa]

here's my review of Dune part 2

I didn't understand it and not just as in I didn't get the plot (which WAS also the case but more to that later) but I just couldn't understand shit like the AUDIO was bad

Also the plot, I think the editing wasn't the best and sometimes it felt like someone was trying to cram 3 movies into 1 and my brain was like...???

Zendaya is perfect in every way (as always) and I thought her acting was nice. I didn't enjoy Austin Butler but that's maybe not his fault because the only thing I think of when I see him in a movie is how he was part of the Carrie Diaries I believe it was called and he's just baby and a bit boring to me.

Also, and this hurts...Timmy. Timothée Chalamet. I love him with my whole heart but I think he is SO bad in these movies. I think the world of him and I adore him and he can't do any wrong in my eyes and I think he's normally a great actor. But the only good thing about his performance in this movie was his beautiful curly hair

And probably I really am too stupid to fully get the plot so all in all it was underwhelming and reaaaally long. And I like long movies!!! but I kept checking my watch

I'm sorry Timmy

#i would give it probably between a 2 and a 4 on a scale of 10 #zendaya made it bearable #I didn't like it #dune part two #timothee chamalet #zendaya

[klara-rosa]

so many things have happened in the last month or so that I don't even know how to process it all and what to think and where do I even start to think, you know?

And my days are all such a blur, I'm studying for my exam now and frantically trying to comprehend it all that it feels like the day is just a couple minutes long when in reality I sit by my desk, just studying, all. day. long.

Like I've literally been studying for 7 hours or so today. This is so huuuge on my mind that when my therapist asked me this week how I'm doing and how I've been doing and what I'm bringing to the session with me, all I could say was, "nothing, I don't habe the time to overthink at the moment".....

I DO know that my life now is really different to, like, 2 or 3 years ago because this week I went into a restaurant all by myself and ordered all by myself and even ATE there all by myself and as I was sitting there I couldn't really believe it and didn't understand what was going on because I can so vividly remember that back in 2020 or 2021 my former therapist always wanted me to go practice being in public by going to a nearby cafe by myself and I only ever was able of doing so twice and both times were horrible and I almost had a panic attack. And then this week I was sitting there and I wasn't anxious and it didn't feel like I was dying. So I am truly very proud of myself for this and it shows that sometimes I'm so caught up with everything I don't like about myself and with everything that ISN'T working yet that I forget to see how far I've come.

This week I've also seen that I do actually have people in my life that care about me and like me and even though a lot of them are my coworkers who are like 20 or 30 years older than me, it still made me really happy and caused me to pause and think about it. Like, hey, maybe you didn't trick these people into thinking you're a nice person but maybe you just are and they really do like you!!! Wild stuff!!!

Now the next few weeks are going to be tough with all this studying but if I pass on April 17th, I feel it'll finally be time for me to "start" life. I don't want my life to center around work. I want to get home and have stuff to do, hobbies to pursue, people to meet.

[klara-rosa]

this is my Roman empire now

#I mean.... #excellence #timothee chamalet #zendaya #dune part two

[klara-rosa]

<3

#i'm not even norwegian butwhen i say these two made me love biathlon i mean it #(besides fourcade in his days) #they are sunshine boys #tarjei bø #johannes thingnes boe #biathlon

[klara-rosa]

every biathlon race is great and I love it and I look forward to it but every biathlon race also feels closer and closer to Tarjei someday announcing his retirement and what will biathlon be then 😭

#my tarjei bø fixation continues #he is just an icon of the sport and it won't be the same without him 😭 #tarjei boe #biathlon

[klara-rosa]

One Day (2024)

#In all honesty I loved this but I will also very likely never watch it again #it HURTS #one day #one day netflix #emma x dexter

[klara-rosa]

You know it's gonna be a rough day when you stayed up til 4 am the night before and now you've been sitting on the couch in a freeze for the last 4 hours because you realised once again that you spend your life waiting, and not living, and you don't even know what you're waiting for but life goes by anyway?

#basically i'm stuck in survival mode and i re-realised that again today and now i'm like #what's the point of all this #I have nothing or no one i have no hobbies no passions no ambitions #sometimes i don't even have opinions on things #just a plastic bag floating in the wind #that's what i feel like most days #and on top of this i'm also worried because my best friend who is also a coworker may transfer to another office #and then i'll lose her too like i have lost anyone i've ever cared about #AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I'M SO OVER TRYING WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE IT'LL JUST HURT IN THE END #Like i'm just so over investing any time or effort into relationships because no one ever stays and nothing is temporary #at the same time i'm lonely and want friends #also my colleague who told me 3 weeks ago i should maybe think about quitting basically is coming back from physical rehab next week #and the thought alone stresses me out so much i'm just UGH i suck at human interactions #I can't read people very well like they just confuse me a lot #and also i have to take an exam for work in like a month and i'm already stressing about that TOO #so i can just feel it getting really bad again #I'm just overwhelmed with everything and everyone #personal #mental health #anxiety #depression #can someone please tell me if i'm on the spectrum

[klara-rosa]

Two years ago today we lost our perfect, sweet, gentle and pure angel and it still feels like yesterday 🕊 I can still so vividly remember what her fur felt like under my fingers when I scratched her head, how gentle she was, how calm and sweet and thankful that we gave her a home. I can still see the look in her eyes when she finally let go and her suffering was over, and though the moment felt cruel at the time, now I recognize that it was pure relief for her. Finally she was happy and healthy and free again. I can still remember that she was still warm when I kissed her again and again and again, but she was already gone. I can still remember when we dug the shallow grave in our backyard and did the best we could with her homemade 'coffin', how we placed the Olaf toy she'd gotten only weeks earlier for Christmas with her, and how much it hurt when we buried her and it was certain now, this was the final time we would see her.

I really do believe dogs can be your soulmate and I believe Bia was my first souldog. She was so pure. I have never known a gentler, sweeter soul. You could tell she was suffering a lot at times, both mentally and physically; she was just too delicate for this world. I will never ever ever forget her, she was just everything. And as much as I love my own dog and consider her my second souldog now, I do regret bringing my dog into the family when I did because I know it hurt my Bia so much.

I would do anything to pet her one more time, give her one more kiss, go on one more walk with her. Just one time. Tell her just how much we loved her.

#the way I've mourned this dog is incomprehensible #like I have cried so much and I miss so much and I still think about her every single day #She will always be my perfect Bia 🩷🩷🩷 #dogs #pet grief