#Alder Bickerman
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That time i was doing stretches like a little yoga freak in the yard one morning, and Dan and Alder were watching from the window discussing how i was silly. And Dan without thinking says "damn, hes kinda caked up though." A little too unironically. Alder just looked at him and Dan couldnt even look back, he was BRIGHT red in the face and they dropped it there but Dan was flustered all day.
#past life#system babbles#inthrum bickerman#Daniel Crettin#alder bickerman#actually plural#pseudomemories#gay#queer#boys
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Alder patted his leg, then stood next to the bed briefly and kneeling up next to Zim on the floor. "I'm here for you, little man. I love you, Zim."
~
The Irken was frozen even more still by the words, his face deepened in color and his eyes darted around warily. "It's… nice. I-" he looked lost.
"You don't have to say it back, but it is common to say it if you feel it. I felt I could say it a day into knowing you, but I know things are hard. I never wanted to pressure you, or admit I really truly cared for you like this. Certainly didn't want to feel condescending."
"I love you too, Alder." His voice was distant, a trailing murmur, but he meant it.
A gentle palm across his forehead, ending in a light brush over his antennae. Alder leaned in and pecked his forehead. Zim's eyes closed at the touch, and he smiled up at him. "Goodnight, my little alien." He stood to leave, looking back at Zim from the doorway.
Zim just nestled down into his blankets tightly, looking up at Alder with big eyes. The light switched off, the door shut. And now he was alone.
The tears formed big and heavy and painful. The very instant he was alone. This time, the pain felt different. It felt like grief. It felt like the clawing of an old injury Zim didn't know he had. It felt like betrayal from everyone he had ever respected, like he had been alone for far too long. Far too long.
This time, he didn't fight off the gentle sobs. He turned on his side and smushed his face into the pillow and cried until it was too wet to breathe through. He curled tightly into a ball and just cried for so long he wasn't sure he would ever stop. It felt good. It felt like it took something out of him that didn't belong, like removing a thorn that had been in his back for years, his whole life.
It felt like the world and universe itself was ending, crashing and burning and tearing the ground out beneath him. How?! He wondered, crying a little deeper. Why did he suddenly… How did I get here? The tallest have NEVER… ever ever would i have EVER…. His ache knew no bounds. He couldn't breathe anymore and this time he didn't fight it, which made his air return to him easily on the next muscle spasm. He felt he has something to hold onto. He felt everything shift.
He had a family, he had discussed it and agreed and loved his family, and was loved for being in it. Simply because he was in it. Simply because he was Zim.
He didn't even mind the nightmares that night. The thoughts of Keef and of the Skool and the fights with Dib. He dreamt about everything, he figured. He even dreamt about his fears around the tallest. He didn't mind them because as soon as he was awake again, he felt like he was a completely reborn, new being. He was safe. Zim had never been safe before; He wasn't Zim anymore, but this was the most he had ever been.
#dib#zims stink#actually plural#invader zim#fictive#au#alternate universe#timeline#father figure#fanfic#osdd#alder bickerman#insert#irken#oc#writing
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Some past life memories. Ask to tag! Bit of blood and injury. This is how Me(Inthrum) and Alder Bickerman met! I was out in the woods caught in a real messed up Bear trap, my leg mangled. I put up a good fight like a Feral injured animal but eventually he soothed me (pinned me down and freed me before talking to me for a while) and carried me to his cabin. Where the rest of my life began :>
#system babbles#innerworld visuals#osdd#actually plural#system stuff#blood#injury#tw#ask to tag#bear trap#sketch#comic#father figure#Inthrum#alder bickerman#adoption#found family#gesture drawing#digital art#headmates#alter art#past life#pseudomemories#pseudo trauma#ptsd#flashbacks#introject
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Wow it sucks to feel your own grief on top of your past life grief on top of your alternate self's grief on top of your loved ones past selves on top of
#past life trauma#problems#system babbles#vent ish#grief#pseudomemories#actually plural#inthrum bickerman#alder bickerman
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Having memories of talking to Alder where im like. Yeah im feeling very. Normal. Just generally okay. Finally. I actually never really understood that as a concept til i met you, just. Wow.
And the warmth from his laugh. God. How he loved me.
#and it changed me yes it absolutely changed me#inthrum bickerman#alder bickerman#past life#system babbles#memories#pseudomemories#alien#introject#osdd#actually plural
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Of course im thinking about Alder and You Dont Know You're Beautiful 1D comes on. Of course
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I REALLY wanna write my(Inthrum) story. Like. Are you kidding me how don't we have anything like it yet? Cringe? Money? Society? Idk but I'm done waiting. Make what content you wanna see right?
The story about a lil hybrid martian guy, who was sent to earth as punishment for existing, entertainment, a double agent to bring down this intergalactic protected planet. He would pretend to be their friend, and destroy it inside out to spite the organizations who prided themselves in keeping earth a safehub for immigrant aliens.
Unfortunately for him, and for his people, he would fall desperately, hopelessly in love with the planet and the people who reside there. If his people abandoned him to do a terrible thing or die terribly, and these people were so worth saving, maybe he'd have a chance.
Alone, stripped of all alien tech and defenseless with medical issues caused by said tech, and extremely trans coded. He stumbles across a man in the woods, a cabin dwelling park ranger who teaches him about PTSD. He raises the alien boy as his own, and they become family.
Its also mlm, polygamous, and represents things like systemhood, past/alternate lives, and of course the ins and outs of major C-PTSD.
Methinks its epic and i really wanna do a comic i really do think people will enjoy it. Its just for me but i can have an audience too if u want(i can think of like at LEAST 2 people who would genuinely read this)
#system babbles#hmmmmm#story idea#comic#alien#mlm#queer#gay#trans#pride#indie artist#startup maybe??? idk what to tag this#anyway i do#inthrum bickerman#alder bickerman#i need a name for it i still havent picked one
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Me and Alder used to cuddle some nights. I would have trouble sleeping or just some attachment issues/ptsd symptoms and I'd sleep in his bed. Tonight i got a memory as we drifted off to sleep that i was being overly clingy one night, and Alder kept complaining. And then i saw from his perspective of the memory that he was secretly appreciative that i was this way. He loved it, thought it was endearing. It woke me back up because it made me so gleeful and now im eating spaghetti from the body's bio mom's fridge.
Spaghetti was Alder's favorite dish to make for me.
#im EXPLODING#system babbles#and hilda is thru the moon rn so her emotions are bleeding in#hilda#inthrum bickerman#alder bickerman#introject#fictive#father figure#past life#memories#osdd#actually plural#system stuff
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How to: stop being so annoying
Fr bc i cannot STOPP. Autism be damned that shit just on repeat fr fr. Past life memories on loop bitch i can't stop hearing it.
#inthrum speaking#inthrum bickerman#alder bickerman#past life#osdd#actually plural#system stuff#struggling#he literally called me baby like 4 separate times#and i didnt notice til later#also called him dad for the first time then. amazing.#system babbles
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Memory of me (inthrum) and Alder skating on boards together as fast as we can while cadance and Dan scoot around on their electric scooters. Alder jumps up to grind down a bench and he fucking wipes out halfway down and rolls. I laughed so HARD its good in the middle of everything
#inthrum#alder bickerman#osdd#actually plural#system babbles#past life#memories#pseudomemories#system stuff#father figure
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More sad below
(Written earlier, posted when i got time) my art VV
Its just sorta sucky bc everyone apparently knew before i did. And it wasnt like it was denial, Cadance looked at me with so much pity and i had no reason to understand why "this tired is different" meant i would LOSe him. I didn't know that the "sometimes i got tired and need to rest for a few days haha! I'll be alright" didnt extend past his 50s. I had no idea to even fully comprehend that he wouldn't always be there. I wasn't stupid, I'd grown up around death and loss and change, but I'd spent 30 years being aggressively shown that people i loved dearest wouldn't leave me for anything in the universe, and would face death for me. I never paused to think too hard about it because i didn't know what i would do. And i was right. I didnt know. I froze.
I keep seeing the memory of realizing things were about to change. Me, Cadance and Danny were playing in the living room with pool noodles. It was just a random fucking day man. It was just, us being us. Stupid bullshit when my world was collapsing. Everything was about to be the worst it ever EVER would be for me. And i was laughing so hard i was lightheaded with Dan. We were slinging styrofoam at each other and i didnt even notice the phone ring. I didnt think too hard on seeing Alder's face, i thought, oh, work. He'll tell me when he hangs up:)
And the playing got softer from the other 2. I didnt understand that they were eavesdropping subtly. I didn't know they'd seen that phonecall enough to know why i should have stopped. It didnt matter, they told me eventually. It didn't matter because Alder pulled me aside, alone into his room.
He told me he had a very serious doctor appointment coming up, and he needed me to be there for it if i could. Of course, anything Bobby. I called him Bobby, because Aldi used to make him mad. Only playfully, he wouldn't really get that mad much, save for protecting me. He told me that this was going to be really hard, and he was sorry in advance for everything that was coming up. I got scared finally. I said whats wrong?
"They think they found something... In my head. They didn't... say that. But i can infer" he was choked up. "I can infer around the silence. The 'you need to make an appointment' instead of 'you're clear, sir.' I just. I need you to understand something very real is going on right now." I didnt understand, or i didnt want to. The fragility of humans i used to rub in Dan's face during fights was biting me and drawing out all of my blood. I didnt want to see it.
Alder was only 67. He was only 67 and he got like 35 years with me. That number repeated for the whole year since i first fronted and got labeled as host. Since the memories started coming in. 35. That stupid, terrible number. Sucks. That now, years and timelines and dimensions apart, souls changed over massive time periods, and im feeling the weight of the first night i slept on the idea that i could maybe possibly lose him soon. And soon I'll have to sleep in this life again, knowing alllll that new information about what happened between then and now.
#past life grief#actually plural#pseudomemories#ptsd#pseudotrauma#memories#osdd#system stuff#inthrum#alder bickerman#loss#tw#illness#terminal illness#system babbles
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Weird introject/pseudomemories vent below
Inthrum: Im kinda in like this. Paralysis. Sorta. Im just so, so sad and grief ridden. I am missing my last life, im missing who i was back then, and most of all I'm really missing the people i knew. The people. Dan, hes sorta here. And Cadance. A few others. But Alder. That "sorta" hurts a lot. It hurts way more than i ever EVER would have expected it to.
Is it my this life parental issues, the reminders of losing him last life, or the jarring emptiness that comes with a fragment headmate that is making me fall apart? Is this just the straw on my back? Am i just experiencing the normal weight of emotions one would experience facing this sort of thing? Or am i mentally ill? Delusional? Focused on the wrong things? Maladaptive daydreaming is in our history... particularly mine would make sense. Why couldnt sherl front earlier? Wouldnt he be better for up front?
Lol. I dont know. I feel like mentally i know the answer to all this. That its all okay. Like, that maybe Alder's going to eventually figure out his memories and feel okay and attached enough to be fully formed in this life. That we could have a real conversation outside of music, or signs, or memories. Or that weird amalgamation of energy levitating in mindspace that looks like him. Feels like half of him. Doesnt feel all the way alive. Maybe he isnt, maybe he hasn't been.
Why didn't he cure his lycanthropy? It's not his fault, i hold no resentment, and i understand in part. But it made his genetics hard to treat in the time we had. All the raging he'd done. All the work, and all the unknowing time. It passed. And so did he and i had to experience that regardless of anything before and afterwards. I had to live that.
And now, i was doing the math today. Alder said he was 33 when i came to him, and the first birthday i actually understood and celebrated with him was 35. He was 67 when he passed. Did i really only get like, 32 years with him? Only. We dont even onow what 32 feels like in this life yet. Flip the numbers. 23. Still 9 years to go. In 9 years ill be the age i was then, in that stupid hospital room with a view. Thata not exactly how he wanted to go, but better than a facility that gave us a .09% survival rate. I would have had him die up there in my distress, but he asked to be taken off high tech support so he could be on his own planet at the time it happened.
And i remember fighting about it. I didn't make it easy, and bless Alder he talked me down. A lot. And then he wasn't there to soothe me. He told me he was never sorry for dying, he didn't want to leave me wondering later in life if i should be guilty for making him feel like that.
He said thank you for being strong, so we can find each other in the afterlife. Strong energies gravitate to one another, and he said he felt stronger than ever with me. That man really loved me, he did. He showed it and he proved it and he did. Again and again, and he still does. I miss him. And I've never seen his face.
But right now, every day for the past just about week, I've been overwhelmed with memories of this person. This guy. Random guy. Could have been anyone. I remember my first revealed memory that he was a person the christmas lights in the truck! And then the next memory i got, when he met me. When he saved me. And then he saved me. And then he saved me again. Again. Again. Again.
He showed me how to be after i didnt get that chance. When i was cast out by the beings who birthed me. Not family. Never was. Just the group of strangers who used me and cast me out. Abandoned on the side of the road. He gave me the chance. Grabbed my hand firmly and gave it to me. Pushed it into my chest.
He walked me step by step by step into the light and he showed me how to feel the grass under my shoes and breathe the air. All of it literally and metaphorically. He was there. Theres pieces of him here, but such is the way of finding paradise, then watching it go away to move on for the next life, one of pain and nightmare. You have to carry these memories into places no one will bring you lessons. I have to remember him to survive. And i dont know how to do that.
#introject#fictive#osdd#actually plural#pseudomemories#pseudotrauma#grief#vent#negative#personal#do not reblog#ok to interact#Alder Bickerman#Inthrum Bickerman#system babbles#system stuff#headmates#past life#found family#father figure#spirituality#loss#depression
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Its a bizzare feeling watching myself cry in the past from an outside perspective. I never saw myself that vulnerable much, certainly not after a certain point. But there, in his bedroom i can see myself all highlighted in his lamp light with puffy eyes and wet face. All the color was messed up because of my blood flow and such. Just kept looking around and shaking my head.
I remember being completely lost. I remember thinking all these things and not knowing what to think and only just. Empty around me. But there was so, so much warmth. There was nothing ever alone about it, I'd just been numbed. The gold, the warm greys, the clothes that sat completely still and stuffy in his room with the cieling fan off. He was still in there, holding me. Letting me hold him. It was alright. The room is awake for him, he can visit as he needs. And his book was left there on the stand for him.
#loss#grief#processing#father figure#alder bickerman#inthrum bickerman#system babbles#vent#ok to rb#idk what u want with it but i know it can hit people randomly#this is about system past life memories#pseudomemories#past life#alter history#actually plural
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He growled. He had heard it, he wanted to anger Alder with his alien-ness again. More importantly, he didn't want to answer.
He squinted nastily. "Zim is not sure-"
"Dude, i swear to god."
He clenched his eyes shut and shivered. "Fine!"
Alder crossed his arms, he had led them to the den and now plopped heavily into his recliner.
Zim clamped his fists tightly at his hips, arms straightened tensely.
"Zim hates this."
"I know. But you-"
"No. All of this. All of it. I am afraid." He admitted against his own will. He bit back the regret.
"Of what?" Alder softened ever so slightly, and anger flared up again.
"All of it. Stop being so warm!"
"I don't know, body heat-"
"No!" He gasped, suddenly dropping his guard at the joke. "I- why are you so kind?"
"Huh?" Color flickered into Alder's cheeks.
"Zim hates it. Stupid, grimy, icky-..." he fumbled his words, now uncomfortable at how much he was sharing. There was no way out of this now.
"You're mad I'm nice to you?"
"Filthy." He hissed the word, rasping it in the back of his throat and recoiling at the thought of it all.
"Oh." Alder replied dumbly. He looked confused, unsure.
"What?" Zim snapped.
"I should have thought of that."
"No more thoughtful! Attack me! Force me out, tell me i am stupid! None of this lies!"
Alder turned his head and blinked sadly up at him. "I'm not lying! Why would I do any of that? I'm too tired to fight."
"Tired? Then rest!" He insisted, disliking how desperate he sounded.
Alder chuckled and shook his head. "You still don't get it, do you"
Zim puzzled. "Get… get…?"
Alder motioned forward to the couch, and in bitter revenge Zim sat on the coffee table. He was internally thankful it was wooden, if it was glass he still might have attempted this and knew the human equipment was flimsy.
"You are not thinking clearly. You probably won't be for a while." He shrugged. "You simply don't have context for the depth of what's happening to you. You've lost a lot recently, haven't you?"
"Zim knows the location of all his belongings." He lied through bared teeth.
"You're struggling with something. Something hurt you before i met you. Why else would you act so terrified?"
"Zim said-"
"You wanna talk about what you've said?" Alder bit back negatively.
Zim recoiled and bit his tongue in response. He decided to just listen.
"Look. You owe me nothing. I owe you nothing. If you want, you can just pack your shit and go. But I'm not telling you one way or another. It just tells me something what you decide. I know next to nothing about you. You've been here 2 weeks and all I know is that you aren't human and your name is Zim. You are highly reactive and easily threatened. You react with a fight instinct rather than flight, fawn or freeze first. Something bad happened to you to cause something that intense."
Zim was flabbergasted at the words spilling from Alder. They'd talked, sure. They'd had their share of conversations and yelling spats. They'd exchanged jokes and formalities and mild embarrassments like Zim gagging out loud at a smell, and when he accidentally walked in on Alder in the bathroom. But no conversation had been this far digging into Zim's skin.
"W- what m-... what makes this-"
Alder shook his head, stopping him again. "Dude, I've been around. I've had a good 25 years being conscious and even longer that i was a little guy going through my own tough shit. Now i don't know how old you are, or what that means for your race or whatever, but you clearly haven't seen much of the world, as far as you've traveled across the universe."
"And you think you're wise, human?" He sneered.
"Wiser than you to run about in the woods in a frenzy one night."
"What?"
"Yeah, how did you end up here again?"
Zim looked at the floor.
"Sorry. Again, i guess i really don't know anything about your situation-"
"You don't." He bit, glaring back up at Alder's sincere expression.
They paused, looking at each other like they waited for the other to strike. A peace offering settling them both for now in the stillness.
#zims stink#actually plural#invader zim#fictive alter#alternate universe#writing#fanfic#alder bickerman
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The days after meeting Alder Bickerman
Time passed on for ages, but not at all for Zim at the same time. He fell into a routine with Alder, staying reluctantly when the man had offered and he couldn't take himself back. He didn't know why he stayed at Dib's house, he didn't even know why Alder had offered at all. He certainly didn't know why he said yes, why when the man arranged his old office for him to stay in and got him a bed, he felt more at home than in his previous base. It had already been 2 weeks before his room was almost totally set up. It was only a month more that Zim steadily stopped noticing anything abnormal about his new routine, simply following his new companion around the property, watching as he got after trespassers and people who littered.
Alder's domain reached all the way to the campground, and stretched as far as from the end of the mountains. Most of it was wildlife reserve, the rest little hunting trails and further on was land that others managed. The work was easy and peaceful. Alder simply traveled around on foot most days of the week, picking up trash and filling the bag he carried with him. He also took notes on the environment, and would send the information over to someone who would utilize the data and use it to help the land.
Zim thought his job was fascinating, possibly the far opposite of his own task as an invader.
His pak seemed useless to him after a very short period of time, only fussing about it for the first week and a half before barely bringing it up anymore. Alder happily worked on it, but once Zim stopped joining him and seemed to express apathy, the progress slowed to a stop. Alder had gotten his help one last time to condense it, then had stored it carefully in a larger sized safe he bought for the occasion. Zim hadn't requested any of this, but Alder made sure to give him the code and a spare emergency key, insisting all of this was necessary to help Zim out.
No more pak, and Zim got to find out what it meant to be alive without technology changing everything about his personality and body. Not only did he find out that his pak was causing a lot of aggression and anger, it prevented him from feeling his needs and made him unfathomably ill to move between using it and not, and Alder had no way to charge it. He did fine without it, he noted he was surprised how little he missed it after so long. His only problem became the holes in his back that helped latch it on, and Alder aided him with bandages and covers, Zim often just lightly wrapping ace bandages around his torso.
Every day he woke up and ate a small meal with Alder, then slunk around the house observing all his stuff, waiting for the man to finish his tasks. As more time passed, he had started following his friend more and more.
#actually plural#zims stink#invader zim#fictive#alder bickerman#past life#memories#pseudomemories#osdd#writing#fanfic#alternate universe
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Im Mr. Bickerman. And i miss my Bickerman
#mr loverman#that one song u know#anyway this is ahout alder#Alder Bickerman#alder tag#past memories#source#pseudomemories#osdd#actually plural#fictive#invader zim#I've been seeing my full name a lot since i added it to simplyplural and have been out#like particularly lately idkkkk i keep feeling a certain way about it
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