#ANYWAYS im tired and i guess i needed to get this out

[wickjump]

hey.

would you like to hear an xtale siblings thought?

rhetorical question.

(abuse mention bc its the fucking xtale siblings)

so. according to jakei (via cornmayors twitter), xpapyrus is "the kind of person who would harvest his own food", which is pretty cute i think. ik corn has a comic abt xasriel being into gardening, and i think theres some canon stuff that might support that, too? so yeah neat, papyrus and asriel/flowey friendship prevails!! they have a common interest/hobby, thats pretty cute, yknow?

but like. i was thinking, right? what would make xpap want to garden? not that he necessarily needs a reason, but..

and i mean the (possible) explanation is pretty damn clear. its been shown before that xgaster doesnt care abt his kids and doesnt seem to provide for them most of the time. im guessing they went hungry a lot as kids.

and like xpap has been shown to be more outspoken, defying orders and/or talking back on multiple occasions (sometimes making cross step in to "correct" him to avoid or at least soften xgasters wrath), so i think if he was hungry hed just say it, and depending on his mood xgaster would either tell him thats not his problem or begrudgingly give them something (or make xalphys go buy food or cook or whatever)

but cross? cross wouldnt say a fucking word. he could be dying of starvation and hed say hes just fine to avoid the potential punishment of "inconveniencing" xgaster

so like. im thinking. what if xpap started growing his own food because he didnt want to be so dependent on someone who couldnt be assed to provide for them? because he was tired of going hungry and being punished for trying to get the only person who could do something abt that to actually... do something? because he was tired of seeing his brother suffer in silence because he was too scared to say anything?

i can see him finding some like.. tomato seeds or something. maybe just planting a slice from food xgaster finally brought them in the hope that it grows into a plant eventually. cross would definitely help him care for the plants. maybe xalphys would occasionally bring him books about gardening or new seeds or just tell him general knowledge so he could more successfully grow things.

idk like. we see a lot of cross caring for xpap (bc of course he would, hes his older brother), but xpap explicitly caring for and providing for cross in return makes me bash my head into the wall /pos like ik thats normal. to yknow. care for and provide for your family. but god damn.

they make me violently ill.

(this was very xpap centric bc im very normal abt him (lie) hope youre ok w that)

vomits glitter everywhere youre soright..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also dont worry ily xpapyrus ilysm..... xpapyrus u deserved better... i love any characters from any au theyre all so cool....

UGHHHHHHHHHH i love it when younger siblings take care of the older ones,,, ugh.. .., i mean xalphys is the youngest of the three, meaning papyrus would technically be the middle sibling but yk what. that makes it better actully imo. middle sibling takes ccare of the other two.

ANYWAY yes. xpap is the most outspoken, as you said, out of them all about xgaster's mistreatment. while cross is silent and alphys is indifferent (outwardly) towards xgaster, xpapyrus is the one with the strongest sense of justice. cross is anxious, xalphys pretty much had her will to fight stripped away from her, but xpapyrus still has that spark in him, and that spark remains despite everything. he'd tell xgaster that he's hungry, because he's hungry, dammit, and if xgaster doesn't feed him, he'll take matters into his own hands. i can imagine xgaster picking a burger up for him after hours of nagging, and xpapyrus plants the whole tomato slice in a bunch of dirt in a tupperware bowl for later.

xpapyrus would defend those plants with his life if he had to because to him, as a child, i think they'd be synonymous with 'he doesn't have complete power over us. look, this is something i did on my own, something he doesn't control'. it would be the first bit of independence he's ever really had. xasriel probably helped as well because he thought it was just a fun hobby of xpapyrus' and not a means to not starve. this also probably helped cement xpapyrus and cross' loyalty to the dreemurr family,,

im ill about them too UGH.... the xtale siblings (+ chara/frisk) are my favorites ever and i just...man!!! the way xgaster abused them all in so many different ways is SO overlooked in this fandom and its my number one duty to make sure eveyrone knows how terrible xgaster is,,.!!! hes a child beater!!!!!!! cross, xpapyrus, xchara, xfrisk, and probably xalphys were beaten children!!!!!!

#rambling again #its my favorite au... xtale..wow... #xtale papyrus #xpapyrus #xalphys #xtale alphys #cross sans #xtale #underverse #utmv #undertale #xgaster #cw neglect #cw child abuse #cw child neglect

[bunnyb34r]

Having to explain to my mom that 5min crafts is a content farm/what that is. That sure they have some genuine hacks, but a lot are genuinely dangerous and bad

It's like I'm not trying to be the parent, but I've been on the internet daily since I was 9 years old and you respectively have only been on it for maybe 8 years? Consistently? And only on Facebook. Like man the shit I have seen has aged me a lot more mentally than I care to admit.

It's so hard too bc I know I should like a know it all/conspiracy freak when I tell her not to get a reddit bc she's gonna get sucked into a WS cult and get radicalized, or when I tell her Facebook reels is the same as tiktok. Which she has continuously forbade me to have since it came out (bc evil chinese company. It's okay when it's an evil American company though). That she needs to be careful and not just believe whatever she sees, but it's like for once I DO know more and I DO need to be the adult.

Like I remember having so many fucking talks to get her out of that SAVE THE CHILDREN shit and debunking the wayfair shit, and the Hillary Clinton shit, and all this shit. I constantly am telling her "nope that's antisemitism in disguise, heres why" ab stupid theories and shit and why they're harmful and it's like I want to fucking scream

Idk where I was going with this but like god I'm tired

#and she gets mad when im 'parenting' her and its like well then fucking use your brain!!! think before you share shit! ask questions!!!! #had to explain that the reason jfk had a diff coffin on air force one wasn't like a body swap but bc the first casket wasnt secured right #and the man was LEAKING in the fucking casket and they had to get a clean easier to transport one #that it was his family that didnt want it open not the gov like the man had half a fucking head at that point!! what did you expect?! #and then shes like well how do YOU know all this shit. how do you know YOURE right and Its like bc i check my sources?? bc i know how to?? #bc i actually use my brain and dont sit in a digital echo chamber validating what i want to hear #thankfully we dont actually get fox in our house somehow (god probably) and we dont have cable so she cant watch fox & friends #but Facebook is it's own fucking up hill battle and it's like go back to playing 1010! and shit on your phone instead #and she stays on Facebook for that dopamine hit and its like i know you have adhd and your dr doesnt believe you but for godsake #i stg she's the reason my body hair is still turning white. it initially stated bc my dad was causing us so much fucking stress and then #it lessened a bit but now im finding more and more like my body is eating the pigment sgdgdgdgd #im gonna go gray by 35 i stg i have ONE white hair on my head and have gotten several on every part of my body like eyebrows and armpits ect #the funniest is leg hair like oh okay go grandpa #ANYWAYS im tired and i guess i needed to get this out #marquilla

[quinn-pop]

okay fine i’ll bring back the egg. sorry for the pun but i’ve been sitting on this for a while because i can’t decide what to name them

(thinking they/he???)

they love being warm and must be approximately as snug as a bug in a rug at all times <3

didn’t give much context before but we’re going with that the egg was abandoned in winter horns and recovered by a group of waddle explorers

there wasn’t a lot of (known) writing on dedede’s species so figuring out what to do from there was kinda hard and they didn’t really know anything for certain, but between a little research, a gut feeling, and dedede and mk already used to Parenting, they passed the egg onto them to look after and well. yeah

it was definitely a rollercoaster for dedede, to be given hope that there were others like him after all - so it was only natural he’d take it very seriously. he spends a lot of time with them and they’re very clingy because of it. he says they’re like a duckling

being so big also comes with problems because as clingy as they are, they outgrew being able to be held by other people pretty fast lol

“meta pls stop looking like ur gonna punt our kid”

anyway i guess i’ll introduce the other kid next? between the two of them uhh dedede had a very tiring few years. stay at home dad problems i guess. on top of being a king lol

he probably realized how grateful he was that kirby was so independent lol..

the real enemy is everyone (meta especially) having a busy schedule

#kirbyposting #i love getting carried away on ideas that were supposed to be small /gen #my art or something #meta knight #king dedede #metadede #how do you tag for fankids and ocs?? i have no idea #kirby oc #semi future au #omg oldee is in this post #if anyone has name ideas feel free to share #i couldn’t really strike a balance and find smth i liked #posting this for Wednesday because im not very impressed with it #so #happy cringe day Wednesday #i guess it’s kinda inherently uninteresting because they only really exist for a narrative #nothing new is being done here lol #buuuut since there’s a larger idea tied to this i feel i need to introduce them #and anyway! who cares if it’s interesting! two cakes or something #ill try to have the other post out soon I just wanted to save this for a wednesday #dedede is very tired in these doodles and i promise it’s just a coincidence lol #he might not be doing perfect but he’s doing good #and yes i am still avoiding redesigning him #bandee cameo wowie..

[ganondoodle]

as cool as their design is im really starting to dislike the sonau in general, aside from their stuff suddendly being everywhere and everything being about them and how cool(tm) they are now with the mystery stone turning people into dragons and the similarities between the sonau and the three dragons (naydra, eldra, farodra) its actually not an impossibility that they used to be sonaus as alot of people have been theorizing about ..but ...... idk that would very much ruin their otherwordly yet ethereal mystery to me

i probably sound like some hater whos trying to find something more to dislike about totk all the time but i promise im not!!

the three dragons being some unexplained mystery, beings that are there yet few can see them, timeless, nigh untouchable, they dont act on anything, they dont talk, something about them has always made me look at them in awe; if it turned out they were just yet another cool(tm) sonau guy that ate a stone ... :/

not a fan of that one lads, but dont worry, i will keep my thoughts to myself from now on, i dont want to ruin other peoples fun nor seem like i just hate everything ... the three dragons are just really important to me so i had to say something

#ganondoodles talks #tloz #totk #totk spoilers #totk spoiler #besides i have leanred that i tend to have the unpopular opinions and frankly im tired of the hate directed at me #if you disagree thats fine but please dont spam me with why you think its cool actually #bc it just feels like yet another argument starting as to why im wrong and need to be talked down to and also suck actually #sorry its been all over my timeline on twitter so i just had to throw my dumbass opinion out there again #and it was a few times more than id like in a row where my random thought posts where torn apart by arguing people needing to prove im wron #the dragons where something i just absolutely loved in botw #they hold a special place in my heart and i dont like the thought of them too being just yet another sonau thing #i feel more secure posting my thoughts here than on twitter #but still i dont want to sound overly negative so i will hold back from now on #unless im exhausted and overly tired and not feeling that great physically like right now i guess lol #ill just have to grit my teeth and try to ignore everything i dont like but everyone else loves like always #anyway i need some sleep #ill be fine after that i think #and then try to resume work on destiny and a commission i havent had the energy to get to

[janiedean]

i would beg my brain chemistry to magically realign itself on a sensed wavelength before I end up begging for meds i don’t think it’s too much to ask is it /s

#personal for ts #ngl i get why therapist would rather not but god i just cried for twenty minutes #because i couldn’t find the thing you use to put water in the iron #and i looked at the living room desk which is a complete mess and burst out in tears #i’m late answering EVERYTHING I can’t bring myself to get out of bed at the right time in the morning #I need to finish commissions and I can’t do three sentences #and ofc 90% of the relatives think that i either need to calm down and NO NEED TO STRESS or think i have no reason to be stressed anyway #i’m so fucking tired #and like i know that i’m shit at getting over things quick and i just got worse with age #idek what i’m getting at #and i feel ridiculous bc ik what kicked me into the spiral #and i need to get the fuck over it because there is no way i’m getting any closure on that front #i KNOW that #but my brain doesn’t i guess #we’re back at i am this picture and i don’t like ir while staring at stannis baratheon aren’t we #sigh #anyway sorry for the debbiedownering s2g im answering everyone soon

[samarecharm]

Cant believe they wont let me farm that fucking teddy bear

#chattin #strikers liveblog #8800 EXP AND U WONT LET ME FARM HIM. FUCKA YOU #CANT HAVE SHIT IN DETROIT !!!!!!! #anyway the fight was tedious. i was hoping for a big reward for beating this fucker #but i was too focused on the exp to see the item it may have dropped #wack #i had ryuji yusuke and haru on my team #i DISTINCTLY remember when i was running for my life leveled 18 that it had mapsio #but i didnt realized it drained psi. so haru was kinda like. useless. im sorry girl. #i wanted to do it again w morgana and sophia but he didnt respawn :( #wack… #i didnt finish the snow city yet; im still grinding bc im out of control #and i get a rush fusing new personas LMAO #i guess when i get tired of it; ill go fight this woman #so funny; the game can try all they might. but i do not think i will sympathize w a politician lol #well. i guess it depends on how they finish her story #but if u want this kind of idea to land well; it needs to be w relatable people. not. mayors….

[piplupod]

why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"

like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!

#GIRL IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY I WOULD BE FINE !!! I WOULDNT BE TALKIN ABOUT IT WITH YOU #like okay yes. that is a good STARTING statement. but can u give me... something actionable perhaps. please. #instead of essentially just shaming me for my feelings hsdgjkl #i KNOW these feelings and thoughts are ''wrong'' and unhelpful and unhealthy and hurting me. but like... what do i DO with them... #''i feel like a bad person'' ''well you arent so you shouldnt feel that way :)'' ''....okay great thanks so much see you next week'' ????? #such wise words from a trained professional! /sarcasm #idk man i think that my stories and characters have been far more helpful in therapizing me than actual trained professionals ever have #these ppl do not know what to do with me it seems like #i get so frustrated every time i hear ''you're so self aware!'' bc that seems to be therapist language for ''idk what to do for you'' #or ''i can't help you. you are beyond my capabilities as a trained mental health professional who went to school for years'' #im TIRED. im so tired !!! #anyways im just dreading my appt later today fdjgkl i like this lady more than the last one but she hasn't been very helpful so far #starting to resign myself to the fact that maybe i am just too fucked up to be helped fdsjkl like man. im just stuck this way i guess #unless i can figure out how to fix me on my own then i think im just fucked #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[toastsnaffler]

I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮‍💨

#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true.. #some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable #they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good #like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one #the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell #lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash #and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun #especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game.. #and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off #i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring #after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now #and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here.. #i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it #and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am #ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend #ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭 #ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that #it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh #anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate #didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol #gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge #typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone #.diaries

[bugsoda]

someone take this device away from me i am much too tired to be dignified. pay this buffoon no mind.

#is that that word #much too #those are words #when i am sleep deprived i get rambly so thats what this is #please tune me out i will tired post and comment and tag and it is humiliating bc its not my true potential #i am better than this! #go to sleep! #nay #i shall keep on for some reason #old speech posting i guess. what era is this #shakespearean? early modern english? what era was that #anyway the Some Reason is boredom and need of sleep #i will continue to ramble stop laughing at me #bloop #ren faires are so fun even though they have like. nothing to do with the renaissance. im in the process of making a cape. sewing machine is #a bitch. why do i keep adding tags #fuck off stop looking at me #dont reply to this please spare me some pride #why did i even make this post #anyway i shoudl really be more educated on history #fuck what was i thinking about. bees? #no ren faires right #who wants to come with me that would be so fun. actually i have only been here for like 3 months and ive only dm’d a couple of you #and even then not a lot. but in my defense how tf do uou keep a conversation. how does that work i cant even do it in person #ive decided to cut myself off #bye

[the-kipsabian]

done with the second worst part of cleaning, i have vacuumed

#i still need to clean some tabletops and wash the floors #but then im DONE #getting a bit too late to my liking tbh but lmao im dysfunctional. at least its getting done #oh yeah and then i gotta put the rest of the laundry away. pretty sure thats everything then #would have loved to take out more trash but they didnt empty the bins today so i cant fit more cardboard in there #you wouldnt believe the amount of boxes i have in this house.... and yet only one fits a human head! #which reminds i should probably put that one away for the checkup i dont. think i wanna answer any questions #the giant kip banner on my wall might already prompt some questions and im not ready for that. like they shouldnt come in to judge my place #its purely to check the quality of the apartment and if anything needs fixing etc #but excuse me i have anxiety and like a two meter tall kip banner on my otherwise empty wall LOL #anyways. gonna wash floors. clean counter tops. put away laundry. make really late dinner. and then see if im gonna write or just pass out #yay productive day i guess. tho i am sweaty and tired lol #sorry ramble tags i need to pour my break into something lol #night is an absolute mess on main

[munamania]

and is there not just generally a certain level of decency that would make you like ease up on a person who's obviously more than a little frazzled i am sorry that i cant process all my feelings and regurgitate them to you in an easily digestible manner while im actively In a situation or have a prepared disclaimer about how im so sorry but im just overwhelmed and need you to leave me alone right now or whatever else maybe i just dont know maybe i cant tell you exactly what im feeling or need and if i have to figure it out and explain that to you my brain is going to explode. but you could read the room. is there not a point where a friend would probably just go oh okay let me not continue pushing this person let me take a moment to reflect on their state and perhaps try to ease that or at least not keep fucking pushing on it. and also maybe not choose these moments to make otherwise innocuous but contextually just kinda meanspirited jabs. ok whatever

#not to be a sensitive little bitch except im not. #i dont want to be rude or too explicitly open about the things i dont really like to talk about #but sometimes. frankly. people need to take on the weight of their own feelings. insecurities. thoughts. etc and then some #some of us grew up with little to no emotional support and in fact took on the weight of their family's issues and the brunt of their #emotional immaturity and sometimes that makes someone feel fundamentally rattled and unsafe in moments like that #some of us had pretty much every big personal emotional. thing. that happened to them minimized and turned into some tragic #family conversation. or had someone reply like huh idk if that could have happened to you i certainly dont remember that #and then you wonder if people were ever looking out for you and if the ones that did just truly didnt care. #um. anyway. this is not just to be like oh im so quirky and different and traumatized lol but im reaching a boiling point when it comes #to people just like. doing this shit. or whatever. im going to start screaming #i shouldnt have to bare my fucking soul to you for you to go oh huh maybe this is a sensitive subject perhaps #frankly we arent the same and we dont relate and aw bummerooni ik im not the only sufferer but good god. #our lives were very different in some ways! #and sometimes all i want is for someone to say its ok kid you did good #again. not to be dramatic. but when ive talked about MY upheaval of feelings or w/e like if thats been impacting #how ive been acting and people start crying at me or get all whatever. oh it makes me wanna be the one to pass the torch #yeah man imagine how tired we are. #ok talking incoherently now so im gonna go do my job i guess. #abby talks #i know no one will save me but maybe sometimes it’d be nice to share the weight regardless

[rubiesintherough]

.

#(( ooc. )) #venting tw #negativity tw #i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls #husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down ' #and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that ' #cant. because then i have more housework after that. #and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic #and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c #and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont ' #and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes. #this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list #yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes #bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores #and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done #examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt. #he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it #bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it #like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me #he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him??? #and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself #' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! ' #i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont #and i have to power through and do it. #i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up. #i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to #do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room #guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! ' #im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway. #if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[dancedance-resolution]

exhausted dot png

#i’m cishet neurotypical for the weekend right and i guess bc i was cishet half of the time just two short years ago i thought this would be #a lot easier than it is? like i underestimated how exhausting this would be #not to sound Like This but hanging with all of these protestants really is so different than the catholics. maybe bc i’ve been largely surro #unded by catholics so im well adapted to dealing with them lol idk. #it’s just. i accepted that the cousins wouldn’t accept me if they ever knew but my beloved beloved great aunt….. #my mom is so sure that she would accept me if she knew but i’ve been telling her i don’t know i don’t know now that she’s a protestant it’s #different…. and lo and behold every other fucking word out of her mouth is virulent shit #and idk what to do with it. #i love her too much to lose her over this (for now) but christ i nearly told her i was a dyke at lunch today just to get her to shut up abou #t trans people. #i have no desire for my family to ever know i’m genderqueer bc i don’t need them to know but eventually my aunt is going to need to know the #homosexuality and this trip has just emphasized how. man it’s gonna be shit isn’t it. no doubt to cling to anymore. #anyways i’m expected to go to baptist church tmrw morning and autism brain i kind of want to go just to see what it’s like but me brain i’m #just. so tired. and even if the transgenders don’t get brought up in the service i don’t think i want to go anyways.

[soldier-poet-king]

Moral purity OCD ever send u into a spiral so bad at work u nearly miss lunch and don't do ur literal job

Instead u spend literally hours reading critical book reviews and working yourself up because oh god oh no someone said something was problematic about a book/show/etc that you love deeply and now ur brain is convinced ur a terrible bad demon person? For consuming the Problematic Content? Even tho in your saner moments you realize this is stupid and the internet has NO capacity for nuance and SURELY there's a middle ground between "I said this was problematic (without basis) and youre morally impure for enjoying it" and "there's is no such thing as privilege or racism or appropriation" SURELY

I also have to stop letting my flight or fight send me into obsessive spirals it's like. Who tf cares if this internet person with poorly formed opinions thinks [thing you love] is problematic! 1) they're probably not correct, but formed out of bad faith internet discourse 2) even if they are correct, problematic isn't contagious and you aren't morally impure for reading smthn supposedly problematic 3) your OCD is morphing a genuine concern about cultural and racial issues into self flagellation because ur white, the same way it takes minor tenents of Christianity and spins them into ways for you to punish and/or damn yourself. 4) disagreement doesn't need to be conflict or mean your bad and wrong. The internet has no nuance and treast disagreement as moral impurity. You were raised in a dysfunctional family where you still live and were trained to see the slightest disagreement or tone of voice as a danger so that is also making the obsessions and fear worse. It's a brain disease.

But also WHAT IF???

Tldr My specific neuroses feed on and magnify the internets lack of nuance or ability to think critically making me convinced I'm a terrible bad person for believing in my ideals and my heart and duty and Goodness, and this leads to a existential pessimism spiral where everything is meaningless and I have no purpose but ALSO I have to punish myself and go to great lengths to prove I'm not A Bad Person because nothing is worse than being a Bad Person (defined by what metrics? Oh that would be too easy, it changes every OCD episode)

#franposting #anyway. today has been bad #im making coffee #yes caffeine but I'm so strung up #that Cafeeine wont hurt more and hot drink sensation tricks the brain into calm #yes this was about hote #yes this Literally came out of Nowhere my brain is the fuckin WORST #im slightly more tired and sun deprived than usual so i guess its time to obsess #and fulfill my moral purity compulsions or else im a bad person with undefined but very bad consequences #and also maybe ppl i love will die and everyone will hate me #i DID get to that review of hote tho. and like goodreads sucks for many reasons #incl bad algorithm and amazon #but i liked review writing. maybe ill do more of it #it was nice not being constrained by the insta word limit #i got nervous about GR reviews before bc comments and what if ppl get mad #(see. my inability to not panic at disagreement and need to be a ppl pleasrr) #but also. fuck that. the internet is lakcing nuance and ppl are dumb #AND ALSO. i know im right (mostly)! #i hold my opinions bc i believe in them so ofc i should be allowed to endorse them! even over silly books!!! #and im allowed to be idealistic and loving and a supporter of the common and ordinary good #that doesnt make me evil

[piplupod]

i feel a feeling that is genuinely intolerable and go "okay what do i do with this"

therapist brain says "feel ur feelings, its unhealthy to suppress all the time." rational brain says, "hi if we sit with this emotion then we are going to either be bleeding or dead in approximately ten minutes. so whats another option." therapist brain goes "wellll i guess in that case maybe u can distract urself idk, that can be a coping strategy sometimes." rational brain glances at emotion, shakes its head and shoots back "yeahhhh no can do there bud. this one's a real whopper and distractions ain't gonna cut it this time."

both sections of the brain shrug at each other and then The Disorder brain raises its hand smugly and simpers out "hiiii remember me? yeah this is the reason i exist teehee :) give me five minutes and I'll have an amnesia wall erected and another part of the brain shoved into the forefront and then we'll be right as rain! and this emotion can go rot in the locked cabinet of horrors until another part accidentally stumbles upon it again in the future or until the lock breaks. :)"

#girl help I've just been drawing and then BOOM. unbearable feelings drowning me !!!! drownding !!! i am drowndinging !!! #i dont wanna do this anymoreeeee im so tired of this #i go ''wow this sure is intolerable! how have i ever dealt w this!'' and then the DID does its thing some more👍 #''gee that sounds so helpful!'' my body is in shambles from the overwhelming amounts of undealt with trauma :] #there are many other downsides but . i ain't getting into all that dhfjdldl #im just . grrrrr. maybe its bc i was drawing another part of the brain but c'mon 😭 i was drawing them HAPPY !! playing!! having fun!! #trying to make smth nice for us !!!! god damn this is so ridiculous #i want to go to bed fjfkdl im so tired and frustrated w everything man im trying so hard and it all seems to go towards nothing #im just not doing well idk also this counselor i have has been so flaky and its making me feel so ... eeurgghh #i understand they dont think im a suicide risk so im low on the priority list but I'd like to just... be a priority for somebody just once #boohoo poor me etc etc. other ppl need the help more than i do i know. im just. tired. #there isnt rly a lot anybody can do anyways to help i guess #still makes me insane thinking abt how the social worker had nothing for me except ''well ... u could go to the homeless shelter'' #im just... theres so many fucked up things abt that. sigh. oh well oh well oh well. #just keep making my shitty art and trudging thru the days and finding good things in a day when i can scrape em together !!!! #argh. sigh. I'll go figure out some food to eat tonight. #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide mention #self harm mention