#ALL THROUGHOUT THE GREAT WAR | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

peterjakes · 7 months

Text

katniss x peeta - 'my hand was the one you reached for all throughout the great war'

Katniss and Peeta are starting to heal, and grow together. Realising that the Peeta that Katniss once knew won't come back, she comes to accept Peeta as he is and will be. As Katniss' feelings grow deeper, she wonders how Peeta feels and if she can ever be truthful with him.

it's been a while but I finally got around to writing another part of this series. I'm so excited for tbosas you would not believe!

I recently finished igsygrace's peeta pov which inspired me to get back into writing!

I really love everlark and will always love them <3

I enjoy parts of this but others are bit meh, but thank you as ever for reading x

also posted on ao3; https://archiveofourown.org/works/51501304

Katniss was sitting in the middle of the kitchen. It was late morning, and she hadn’t got much sleep the night before. Of course, she hadn’t. Why would she? There was a certain stillness around. Once again, she was alone, or at least she was at that moment. Greasy Sae hadn’t been around much lately, but Katniss didn’t mind. Peeta and Katniss had agreed to meet later, he wanted her opinion on something. Katniss could see him from the kitchen window. He was gardening, planting more flowers, scattering them around the Victor’s Village. Peeta was doing something good with his time, something useful. And what was Katniss doing? Feeling sorry for herself, feeling guilty, of wasting her time. And she couldn’t even do that right.

Katniss knew she needed to stop thinking this way, but that was easier said than done. She would hunt during the day, trying to escape those feelings, those memories. She would walk through the town, or what was left of it, trying to avoid as many people as she could. And she would spend time with Peeta. It was only then that Katniss felt the most comfortable, truly comfortable. But there was still a nagging feeling that would creep up on her. The way she and Peeta were around each other, didn’t feel natural. It was as if the two were tiptoeing around one another. There were many things unspoken that needed to be voiced. But Katniss wasn’t going to be the one to do it, she just couldn’t. Her feelings for Peeta…she didn’t want to think about them, but she knew she couldn’t push them away. They would come spilling out eventually, but Katniss had some time before that would happen. She would have to take control, even if she didn’t want to.

Those feelings came back later in the evening. Peeta had spent the night again. Katniss didn’t like to admit it, but she was feeling a little guilty. Falling asleep in Peeta’s arms again was all Katniss wanted. Of course, it was. It was where she felt safe, the only place she wanted to be. But there was a sense, not that Peeta didn’t want to be there, but he felt obliged to. It was for Katniss’ sake more than for his. There was no proof of this, but that didn’t help disregard any of those feelings. Peeta would never let on if that was how he felt. But the Peeta who would hold Katniss in his arms until she would drift off after a harsh nightmare was not the same Peeta. This was a constant battle Katniss would have with herself over and over again. Peeta was not the same. But he was Peeta. He wasn’t the same, just as Katniss wasn’t. No one was. She couldn’t keep harping on about how Peeta was gone when she could feel his body against hers. When he would give her a look that would almost make her crumble. When he would spend the evenings with her, filling up the emptiness she so often felt. Peeta was here.

It made sense, though, of course it did, that Peeta would stay. The two had spent the evening together, they’d decided they should try to finish the family book they’d started after the Victory Tour. It wasn’t a family book, but a memory book now. Peeta had mentioned it briefly, something he remembered, but it wasn’t a direct memory. Katniss knew something like this, would help. It would help Peeta. Not to be who he was, but to at least remember. She wanted to do that for him, when everything he had done, all the pain and suffering he had endured, was for Katniss. As soon as they’d finished their supper, Katniss had brought the unfinished book to the kitchen. She wasn’t exactly sure where they’d start. Would Peeta remember any of it? How would he react to all of these memories? Would it even be worth it? But it seemed that none of those questions plagued Peeta. He clearly remembered the book, or at least remembered that the two of them had worked on it. Making sure to take in every single detail of the pages, Peeta spent almost the first hour searching through the book, taking it all in.

After that, every seemed to fall into place.

They’d spent hours, pouring themselves over the book. It made Katniss quite tired. They were her memories, rather than Peeta’s. Every so often, Peeta would stop Katniss in her tracks, as if a memory had just appeared. He’d scramble to note something down, a phrase or a quick sketch. And then Katniss would carry on. It was the most she’d spoken about people from their past in a long while, and though she could appreciate how helpful and useful it would be for Peeta, she was glad when he suggested they retire.

After tidying up the book, Katniss left Peeta alone on the couch. She felt guilty, leaving him with only a blanket as cover. But he had started to drift before Katniss had even reached the stairs. She hadn’t wanted to leave him lying there but didn’t think it wise to ask him to follow her. It was right, she couldn’t ask Peeta to stay, just to keep her company. But she knew if those nightmares came, so would Peeta. It hurt, in a way, to know he was only there to soothe her from them, not for any other reason. But what reason should there be? The Peeta Katniss knew, the one she had so many confusing feelings about, didn’t exist. Or at least he was still so hidden away, pushed away within the darkness. No. Katniss needed to stop thinking like this, it just wasn’t fair. None of it was Peeta’s fault. And he had worked so hard to remember who he was, and to be better. It had been months since Katniss had seen him again after returning to District 12. Peeta did what Katniss couldn’t bring herself to do; he got help. He went through Dr Aurelius’ treatment, he listened, he took his medication (even if he noted how little it did), and even now, he would take occasional visits to the Capitol when needed. He was better than Katniss in every way. And yet...her feelings didn’t waiver.

The nightmares visited Katniss again that night, but she didn’t have to wait long before those warm, secure arms found her. It felt so natural, so real. This was exactly where Katniss wanted to be, where she needed Peeta to be.

Katniss could sense that Peeta wasn’t going to fall asleep, not anytime soon. His breathing was calm, but something felt off. So many thoughts must have been racing through his mind. Katniss wished she could just ask him, she wanted to, but she was just too much of a coward to do that. Luckily for Katniss, Peeta decided to delve into a feeling, one he’d been wondering about for a while.

“We loved each other once. Real or not real?”

Peeta already knew the answer to that question, but he asked anyway. Sometimes Katniss wondered if he was doing it on purpose, pushing the boundaries. Or maybe not. Maybe he was trying to remember, trying to find some sense of belonging. Katniss wasn’t going to blame him for that, she felt the same way. The bakery was gone, his brothers, his mother, his father, his friends. It seemed only Delly survived from their small group. She was still in 13 with her brother. Peeta had spoken to her a few weeks ago, but his eyes seemed so sad when he’d mentioned it to Katniss. Finnick was gone too, someone who had tried so hard to help Peeta when he was spiralling. Finnick saw Peeta before Katniss did, and spoke to him properly, whilst Katniss did everything to ignore what was happening. She was ashamed, so ashamed about how she had acted. None of it was Peeta’s fault, not then and especially not now.

The only other person Peeta had apart from Katniss was Haymitch. And Haymitch? Well, Haymitch wasn’t the type of person you could really ‘have’, not now. After everything that had happened, Haymitch had fallen further and further into the darkness. When the two travelled back home to 12 after the trial, they didn’t speak for a month. Katniss would sleep. She would hunt. She would sleep. Hunt. Sleep. Hunt. Haymitch would drink, what he did best. One late evening when Katniss had finally decided to visit him, knowing she couldn’t spend her days in the company of Buttercup, he’d told her he was making up for lost time. There was no point even trying to stop him, Haymitch would deal with his guilt the way he always had. He never listened to Katniss; they were too alike. But Peeta? He always knew a way to get around Haymitch, more than Katniss ever could. Katniss knew the two spent time together, more than Katniss did. She knew the two had grown to have a certain respect for each other. They had something that Katniss could never understand.

And Katniss? Who did she have? Her mother was in District 4. She had called her a few days ago, her voice timid and fragile. The two of them didn’t know what to say to each other, there wasn’t much to say. Everything was still so raw, and they knew it. Peeta had told her it would take time, and that she should allow that time to pass. Katniss wished her mind worked that way, wished she could sympathise, and see the good in everyone. But she was still angry, though she knew her mother couldn’t change.

Gale was in District 2. He would never come back. Katniss didn’t believe she would ever see Gale again, and though it pained her to say, it had to be that way. She could never look upon his face again without remembering, thinking about what he had done. When she looked at Gale, she felt his anger, and hers in turn. It wasn’t like that with Peeta. And maybe, that’s when she realised something so important, so integral about Peeta. He softened everything. He soothed it. Calmed it down. Like a dandelion in the spring. Like a sense of hope that things could and would be better.

“Real.” Katniss managed only this word, gulping down any of the words she had thought of. Once makes Katniss feel hollow. Once. Past tense. Maybe the Capitol took all the life away, and maybe Peeta can never love Katniss again. When Katniss thinks of how they were before, everything they said and did, she feels ashamed. Katniss took Peeta for granted, or at least she took his love for granted. It wasn’t until all that was stripped away, that Katniss truly realised what Peeta had meant to her. What he had done, just for her.

“Katniss… I think...”

“Peeta.” No, no. Katniss couldn’t do this, not now. No matter how much she wanted, how much she ached for it. The realisation that it may actually come to head, no. Katniss couldn’t do it, she couldn’t bear to see that look, the one Peeta would undoubtedly give her. No, this wasn’t how it was going to be. Katniss didn’t want to shut Peeta out, she knew it would cause more damage, and it wouldn’t do any good. But what else could she do? How else could she tell him? It was too hard; it was still too difficult.

Katniss shifted slightly, signalling how she was feeling. She wasn’t uncomfortable, exactly, but she didn’t like the direction the conversation was going in. She wasn’t ready. Peeta could obviously sense this, as his arm started to move away from Katniss and the space between them became clear. This was not what Katniss had wanted. Great.

“Katniss…I’m so-“

And now Peeta was apologising. But what for? He hadn’t done anything wrong. This wasn’t a memory being relived, but a feeling. Peeta had loved Katniss, once, yes. That was true. He’d loved her the way no one else had. He’d protected her. He’d cared for her. He’d appreciated her. And then that all disappeared. Katniss… she had loved Peeta. She’d missed Peeta. She’d lay awake every night in District 13, wanting, waiting for him. She dreamt of him. Loved. Past tense. Were her feelings still in the past? Did she no longer feel that way? Katniss wasn’t so sure that was true. But could she admit that to herself? No, she could not, and she didn’t want to. It could only end one way.

“No, Peeta.” Pulling herself closer to Peeta once again, Katniss placed her hand on his chest. She wasn’t going to let him do this. Before thinking, Katniss felt her body move across Peeta’s, her hand still placed on his chest, feeling his tempered breaths. A small kiss was planted on the top of Peeta’s forehead. Katniss wasn’t exactly sure what made her do it, but she knew it was right. It felt right. Her face found peace once it was nestled under Peeta’s chin. “Night.”

“Goodnight, Katniss.”

The nightmares had seemingly stopped for the remainder of the night. Katniss awoke from her slumber, feeling more refreshed than she had in months. There was a slight tingling feeling rising up from her knee to her inner thigh. It hurt. She imagined she must have sprained something on one of her hunts. She’d always been careful, but it was hard without anyone spotting you. Managing to rise out of her bed, she noted how Peeta’s shoes were still placed by the edge of the bed. The shoelaces were double-knotted, as they’d always been. She could hear a slight commotion coming from the kitchen, and followed the noise, finding Peeta standing in front of the sink. Katniss watched him for a moment, allowing her those few seconds of admiration before Peeta felt her watching him and turned around.

“Morning.” Peeta gave Katniss a quick smile and passed over the hot mug towards her.

“Good morning.” Katniss walked slowly towards Peeta, trying to hide the obvious discomfort she was feeling. She hadn’t noticed how much her leg had ached the previous night. Her mind was occupied with something far more important. Something she spent so much of her time thinking about but could never find the words to let those feelings free. She was still too weak, too scared, too guilty.

Frowning as he watched Katniss hobble towards him, Peeta asked, “Everything alright?” The concern in his voice was obvious, and he clearly wasn’t an idiot. Katniss couldn’t hide anything from him, not now. But it didn’t matter, not really. It didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. She had far more important things to worry about. Her leg was irrelevant.

“Yes, it’s fine.”

“Katniss.”

“What?”

“Come on, what is it?”

“It isn’t anything.”

“Katniss, don’t…I know, you’re a terrible liar.”

“Can’t be that bad, you…” Katniss stopped herself before finishing that sentence. It was harsh, what she was thinking. Yes, Peeta had believed her, in their first games. So, in a way, she was good at pretending, acting, at lying. But there were times when she forgot about all that. Those times when the hunger took over when she just wanted to kiss Peeta, be with him, and forget what was happening. It wasn’t all a lie. The things they did in the games, the things they said, and how Katniss felt, it wasn’t a lie. It was the most truthful Katniss had been in a long time. She just took too long to realise that. She was too slow. By the time she had, Peeta was gone, she had lost him forever. No, maybe not. She had thought so, but Peeta wasn’t gone. He was there, standing there, frowning at her. Katniss couldn’t help but smile.

“OK. Fair enough.” Peeta raised his eyebrows ever so slightly before conceding, turning his attention away from Katniss. Clearly, this was a memory he had himself. There wasn’t any need for either of them to explain further. Of course, he would remember that. But he wasn’t going to push it further.

“I was thinking about last night…what you asked me.” Katniss moved towards the counter, watching Peeta as he stirred his tea. He seemed agitated somehow. His fingers were wrapped tightly around the spoon, going around and around and around. It was as if he couldn’t stop, like if he did, everything would just crumble.

“Right.” Peeta had expected Katniss to elaborate on it, but instead, she kept her mouth closed and walked over to the kitchen table, which was still full of sketches and writings from the night before. Sighing, she pushed some aside, making room to place her hands on the table. She didn’t want to think about that right now. She wasn’t even sure why she’d mentioned it. But she couldn’t help herself.

“Katniss…”

“What?”

“What happened, to your leg?” Katniss didn’t want to look Peeta in the eye. Was she embarrassed? Ashamed? Whatever she felt, her eyes slowly followed Peeta’s, staring down at her leg. Katniss had always been relatively good at hiding her injuries. But Peeta knew her too well. Even after everything, he could still tell when something was wrong. Of course, he could. The one-time Katniss didn’t want Peeta to remember, he had to.

“It’s nothing.”

“Fine…” Peeta shook his head, still watching as Katniss winced whilst trying to soothe the pain. She could feel Peeta’s eyes on her, but she wouldn’t look at him. She wasn’t going to give him satisfaction. But she knew it was only a matter of time before Peeta would see her leg. It wasn’t that bad. Really.

“Katniss, why didn’t you tell me?” Peeta sighed, moving closer to Katniss. He moved his hand to touch Katniss’ leg, managing to find the exact place it ached the most. Katniss flinched at his touch, which told Peeta everything he needed to know. He didn’t move his hand though, allowing it to slowly move between Katniss’ knee and thigh, watching intently.

“I…”

“You can’t keep stuff from me, it’s not fair.” There was a change in Peeta’s tone. Katniss hated to admit she was wrong, particularly to Peeta. She didn’t like it when they disagreed. The two had tried so hard recently to not approach any subject that could cause some anguish. But that had fallen apart. It had just made things worse. Katniss was never one for facing things head-on, not things that she knew would be painful. She didn’t want to imagine how Peeta would react if she had let all her feelings run wild. It was easier to keep it all to herself. But that had changed. It wouldn’t last forever, and the two of them would have to realise it eventually. Arguing over something so simple like Katniss’ leg, well, that was only the start.

“I’m not keeping anything from you.” Katniss didn’t understand why Peeta seemed so worked up. Her leg was fine, probably. It didn’t matter. She knew that wasn’t what Peeta was angry about, it was obvious. But neither of them would admit it. He was just as stubborn as she was, and he knew that.

“Yes, you are. This isn’t how it should be. We tell each other what’s bothering us, we protect each other, we…”

“What? What do we do Peeta?”

“We look out for each other, care about each other. It’s no different than before.”

“Yes, it is. How can you say that?”

“I just-”

“Everything is different, Peeta. Everything.”

“Because I’m different. That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

“Peeta…”

“Because I’m not the boy who was hopelessly in love with you.”

“No-”

“Well, I’m sorry, Katniss.” Shaking his head, Peeta moved as far away from Katniss as he could. Katniss could feel the distance between them so clearly, and it hurt. He turned towards her, that sad look in his eye once again before slamming the front door. And then Katniss was alone. As she always seemed to be.

Katniss waited. She wasn’t sure how long exactly, but then the morning came, and she knew she couldn’t wait any longer. She’d have to go and see Peeta. To apologise. It was stupid, really. The whole idea of them arguing. She didn’t like it. Not one bit. The argument wasn’t even important, what had they been arguing about really? Katniss was reminded of something Haymitch said, back in 13. That Katniss was punishing Peeta for everything that had happened to him. She knew she shouldn’t have, but she couldn’t help it. Deep down, she knew that if things were different, Peeta would have never treated her like that. Just like he wouldn’t now. He was right. She should have told him. But Katniss had never been very good at that, or maybe she had. Maybe she only had one with Peeta.

Taking a slow, deep breath, Katniss knocked on the door, dragging her knuckles down before retracting completely. After only a moment, she heard the footsteps of the person she’d been waiting for. Peeta opened the door, and Katniss was greeted by an odd sight. Peeta was wearing a white t-shirt, or at least it had been white at one point. It was now covered in a wide range of colours, blues, reds, oranges, pinks, and browns. The t-shirt wasn’t the only thing covered, his hands, those delicate, those soft hands had clearly been hard at work.

Peeta had been painting. That much was clear. Some of the paintings Peeta had once shown Katniss after their first games were gone, destroyed when the Capitol bombed almost all of 12. In a way, Katniss was glad, she hated those paintings. How Peeta was able to capture everything so beautifully, it was like she was being transported back to those moments. And she didn’t want that. Peeta had his book still, but it seemed his attention was focused on something else, something new.

“Peeta.”

“Hey, Katniss. Wanna come in?”

Katniss nodded, following Peeta into the landing. The tension was obvious, Katniss could feel it in the distance between the two. Katniss was never very good at admitting she was wrong, she could remember countless times throughout her life when didn’t dare admit it, not to anyone else. This would not be one of those times. She didn’t like disagreeing with Peeta, let alone arguing. Peeta had spent so much of his time protecting, helping, and supporting Katniss. He always seemed to initiate things. The admittance of his feelings, the friendship, the apology, the allies. But he never stepped over the line, never pushed Katniss too far. It just wasn’t in him.

There was no point holding it in. Katniss would do what she came here to do. Not wanting the distance to grow between them, Katniss quickly grabbed Peeta’s arm, stopping him in his tracks. Peeta turned as soon as he felt Katniss’ grip on his skin.

“I’m sorry, Peeta.”

“It’s OK, I’m sorry I got mad.”

Sighing, Peeta carefully slid Katniss’ handoff, allowing their fingers to touch just for a moment. Katniss could sense Peeta wanted to do something else but had thought against that. He moved to sit on his couch, quickly shifting away discarded, half-started paintings onto the floor, making room for Katniss. Katniss watched him for a moment before walking over to where Peeta sat. She didn’t sit at first, her attention was on something else. The discarded paintings sat still on the floor until Katniss moved them with her hand. None of the paintings were finished. It was as if Peeta had a thought, a vision, a memory. He’d scrambled to paint it, to draw it, to get those emotions out. But then it all stopped. Dragging her fingers over the strokes, Katniss felt closer to Peeta. They all told a story, and it was as if Katniss was reliving those stories. These paintings were different from the ones before, the ones after the Games. Katniss remembered when Peeta had shown her, how disgusted she was at the detail, at the horrors they experienced. But these paintings were different. Not as vivid, but still just as beautiful.

Still kneeling on the ground, Katniss looked up at Peeta. He’d been watching her, almost anxiously. Peeta had shown Katniss his paintings before, he’d painted in front of her, painted her, and he’d wanted to show her and see her reaction. But this time it was different. It was as if these were more private, they were unfinished after all. But Peeta hadn’t made any attempt to hide them. He must have known Katniss would come to apologise. Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he thought he was in the wrong. “Peeta, the paintings…”

“Yeah, they’re not…not like before. It’s like I said, it’s as if I had to learn it all over again. It’s different. There’s so much stuff I had to do again.” Peeta frowned, fighting the urge to spill everything out. He grabbed one of the paintings. This was a more recent one, he could have only painted it a few nights ago. It was hard to make out exactly what he was depicting. The colours were dark, harsh, and thick. Swirls and swirls of paint covered the edge of the paper.

“Oh, Peeta.” Why did Peeta have to say things like that? Katniss knew he didn’t mean it, not in that way. He didn’t say anything to hurt Katniss, didn’t say anything to make her heart bleed. But that’s exactly what it did. There was no point sugar-coating it however, this was what happened, this was real, was reality. Katniss couldn’t do anything but move herself towards Peeta and wrap her arms around him. He quickly hugged her back, his raggedy breath floating along Katniss’ ears. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Peeta looked at Katniss in a way Katniss couldn’t remember. It wasn’t sadness, wasn’t regret, wasn’t anger but it wasn’t happiness either. This was a different look. Was it a new look? Was it one Katniss had ignored? She wasn’t sure. She wasn’t even sure she liked it. But she didn’t want Peeta to stop. Katniss didn’t want him to look away, to take those blue eyes and focus on something else. She wanted to keep them just for herself. Still tracing Katniss’ face with his eyes, Peeta moved to flick a loose strand of Katniss’ hair out of the way of her eyes. It was as if he wanted to remember this moment, remember everything about the way Katniss looked. He didn’t want anything to get in the way of that.

“Katniss,” Peeta spoke Katniss’ name so softly, she almost didn’t hear it. It seemed to bring her back, back to that moment with him. He was watching her closely, his eyes flickering between hers. Katniss wasn’t entirely sure what Peeta was looking for, but he seemed to have found it.

“Yes?”

“I was thinking…about back in the Capitol. After Finnick…” Katniss could sense where this was going. Finnick acted as Peeta’s rock during that time. Making sure he was safe, keeping him grounded. And after…Peeta almost lost it. At that moment, Katniss did the only thing she could do, something she’d wanted to do for so long. That kiss meant something; she knew that.

“When you kissed me...”

“I wasn’t...” What wasn’t Katniss doing? At that moment, kissing Peeta was the only way she could bring him back to her. It was like that moment, on the beach in the Quarter Quell. She wanted to kiss him, desperately and he’d kissed her back. That kiss was different, it seemed to change everything. She couldn’t lose Peeta then, after everything. At the time, Katniss wasn’t sure it would even work. She wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t have to leave Peeta there. But she couldn’t, she wouldn’t.

“Thank you. For doing that. I...I needed it.” Katniss hadn’t realised she was frowning until she saw Peeta’s change in expression. It wasn’t exactly intentional. It wasn’t an angry frown. But Katniss wasn’t confused either. She hadn’t expected Peeta to admit to that, to even mention that last kiss. Katniss had thought of it often. Kissing Peeta then wasn’t for any selfish reasons, wasn’t for any desire she felt for him or had felt, it was because it was the only way Katniss could pull Peeta back to her. It was an impulse. She wished she had some of that now. “It brought me back, made me remember.”

“What did you remember?” This almost slipped out. Katniss hadn’t meant for those words to fall out so fast. Of course, she wanted Peeta to tell her, but she couldn’t expect that. It would be foolhardy.

“What I needed to.” Clever answer, Katniss thought. Peeta was clever, and calculating, or at least he had been. Those four words contained so much more meaning than it seemed on the surface. Katniss could tell that Peeta wasn’t going to explain what he meant, and Katniss definitely wasn’t going to ask. She wished she could, but that just wasn’t possible.

The two sat in silence for some moments, Peeta moving the different paintings around them. He seemed to be ordering them as if they all had a specific place, but Katniss couldn’t make much sense of it. They were beautiful, yes, but they all seemed to blur together to create this unimaginable horror. And yet she could imagine. She could remember it. She could dream of it. And she did. Almost every night. Selfishly, she tried to not think of what happened to Peeta in the Capitol. She had enough of her own pain, even just imagining from the subtle hints Peeta would give, that was enough for Katniss.

Peeta spoke suddenly as if he had no real control over the words that escaped his lips. “I wasn’t sure I’d see you again after you left for the mansion.” Another memory, but not an old one. One that the Peeta sitting in front of her had experienced. Something they both had shared. Katniss didn’t know what was going to happen. Just that Snow had to be stopped. Leaving Peeta behind…Katniss didn’t want to do that. But she couldn’t think of anything else at that moment. Everything that had happened was leading up to that moment. And everything fell to pieces. She had lost her then.

“You didn’t have faith?” Katniss allowed a small smile to form, watching as Peeta looked taken back by the cheekiness in her words.

“Katniss...none of us knew what was going to happen.” That wasn’t entirely true, someone did. Gale knew, or at least had some idea what the rebels were going to do. Katniss didn’t. Peeta didn’t. Once again, they were clueless about the games everyone else was playing. “I had to...step back.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think? I was a ticking time bomb.”

“For me?”

“Yeah, for you.”

“And now?”

“Not ticking, just...Sometimes things feel right, like they did before. But other times it feels a hundred times worse.”

Katniss understood completely. “Things can’t go back.”

“No, neither can I. I’m not the same, I understand that.”

Katniss nodded, and Peeta seemed to accept that as an answer.

“You hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Ah, that’s a real shame, Katniss,” Peeta smirked to himself, raising his eyebrows.

“Why?”

“Oh, I think you know why.”

The realisation hit Katniss. Peeta had baked them, the cheese buns.“You have them? You baked them?”

“I may have.”

The two ate in comfortable silence. Katniss savoured every single bite of the cheese buns. Peeta watched her in amusement, and the two kept catching each other’s eyes. Katniss didn’t think she could feel any happier than she did at that moment. Everything else seemed to stop.

Katniss didn’t see Peeta the next day. He’d wanted to go into town to gather some supplies for the memory book. Katniss wasn’t entirely sure if he’d be able to find them. District 12 was building itself back again, but it would take time. People were starting to come back, come home. But the district would never be the same again. Panem was forever changed, and it was slowly starting to accept that.

It was later, when Peeta had followed Katniss to her room, without a second thought. It had become routine for the two of them. Peeta had stopped lying on top of the covers, allowing Katniss to put her whole weight against him. Sometimes they would just lie in each other’s company, enjoying the silence. Katniss would lay her head on Peeta’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. She would trail her index finger up and around his stomach, watching his slow breaths. This calmed her more than anything, knowing Peeta was there and would stay there, just for her. Other times Peeta would play a little game, checking what was real or not. He would ask things that would make Katniss laugh, ones that wouldn’t even make sense. Other times he would have to think long and hard about what he would ask, things he needed to know for certain. Katniss could tell how much those moments of clarity meant to him, and she would always oblige. There were times when their late-night talks would turn to their nightmares, to the things that haunted them. Katniss knew Peeta was there for hers, but she was never there for him. She knew his were quieter than hers, but they were still there.

“Your dreams…”

“Still about losing you, Katniss. But different than before. At the Capitol…”

“You don’t have to”

“I want to.”

Peeta hadn’t spoken much about what happened whilst he was kept at the Capitol. Snow used him for the interviews. And each time he looked worse and worse. But what happened in between? Katniss knew what happened after. How they changed him. Of course, she had some idea what they had done to him in between but never liked to think too much about that. That kind of image of Peeta would plague her mind during her time in District 13. The constant fear and worry of what was happening to Peeta, what they were doing to him. Those images still haunted Katniss, they’d come in the form of her nightmares, and they’d never go away, not truly. But in a way, it was good. Peeta was talking, he was explaining, he was opening up. It reminded Katniss of those late nights on the Victory Tour train, those conversations on the roof of the Training Centre.

“I dreamt about that night in the arena so many times. It was always the same one. I should have stayed with you.” Peeta sighed, closing his eyes. Katniss had thought of that moment too. They were supposed to meet at midnight, things were supposed to be different. But everyone else had a different plan.

“Peeta.”

“I know, it’s futile now but…I had to hold onto something. Before I saw you in that propo, I didn’t…how could I know you were safe? Even then…”

“You saved us. All of 13 lived because of you, Peeta. So many people lived because of you. I’m the one…”

“No, Katniss. Don’t you dare! Would we even be having this conversation without you?”

“I never wanted it,” Katniss mumbled. She hated how Peeta praised her. It made her squirm. She didn’t deserve it.

“I know, but you did it anyway.” And that was it, wasn’t it? Katniss had never wanted any of it. She didn’t want to be the Mockingjay, didn’t want to be a part of the Games, didn’t want to fight some senseless war. But it had to be done.

And Peeta understood that, and he understood the sacrifice she’d made. Katniss could have run off with Gale in the woods so many times. She could have not volunteered for Prim; she could have watched her sister and Peeta both die in that arena. But she didn’t. She made that choice, and that choice changed everything. Panem would never be the same because of that, and neither would she. Neither would Peeta. District 12. No one.

All Katniss wanted was to save Prim and keep Peeta alive. That was it. Prim was gone. And Peeta? That Peeta, the one Katniss wanted to keep safe, where was he? Was he still lurking? Was he trying to get out? No…Peeta wasn’t the same. But neither was Katniss. It was stupid to think anything would be as it was before. Katniss had to understand that. They couldn’t go back to how things were, but maybe things could be simpler now. Time was slow, clear

“We don’t deserve to be here, that’s what I think. Or I don’t. Other people should be here in my place.” Rue. Cinna. Mags. Madge. Finnick. Prim. The list was endless. So many people lost their lives and sacrificed themselves, and for what? For Katniss. For Katniss to be doing what? Wallowing in self-pity. But she couldn’t help it. What did she have to live for now? At that moment after she shot Coin, she was ready. She would take the nightlock pill like she was always meant to, and it would be over. The pain, the suffering, the guilt would all end. Katniss would be at peace. But Peeta, goddamnit Peeta. He couldn’t let her go. And there was a part of Katniss, a small part that was glad he did. Glad he didn’t want to.

Peeta didn’t say anything, just watched Katniss with those sad eyes he so often wore when their late-night conversations took this turn. It was important to speak about it, but that didn’t make it any easier. Before Katniss could say anymore, Peeta’s arms were wrapped around her His warm touch soothes those feelings of anger and regret. They always did. He always knew how to diffuse the fire. He stayed like that for a while, Katniss’ head buried into his biceps, allowing him to engulf her. Slowly, Peeta’s fingers stroked her forehead, like he used to whenever Katniss had a nightmare.

“Katniss, I think it’s time to go to sleep.” Peeta’s muffled voice beat across the top of Katniss’ head. Katniss knew what this meant. He would have to leave eventually; He would have to go home. But she didn’t want him to, she didn’t want to leave Peeta. They could just stay as they were, in that particular moment, forever. Before she could begrudgingly move away, Katniss felt Peeta’s fingers drag themselves along the loose strands of her hair, then a small kiss appeared too. Or at least that was what Katniss felt. She couldn’t be sure exactly.

“OK.”

“Peeta, will you-”

“I’ll stay, you know I’ll stay. You don’t need to ask.”

“OK. Thank you.”

From that moment, there was an unspoken agreement. Peeta and Katniss would spend every night together. Peeta would hold Katniss before they both drifted off to sleep and more often than not would be there when Katniss awoke. They spent most nights in Katniss’ room, but there was a part of her that didn’t want to take Peeta away from his own house. It was different, she supposed. Even after their first games, Peeta lived alone. He saw his family, that was true, but it wasn’t the same. He

Not as it was with Katniss’ house. The two bedrooms across the hall were not always so empty. And that was what scared Katniss the most. That they would always stay empty, forever. Peeta however, was becoming accustomed to his loneliness. maybe it was that he knew Katniss needed him. There was more than he needed her.

“Peeta,” Katniss whispered after a long spout of silence between the two. Peeta’s arms were wrapped around her, shielding her from the world around him. She could hear his breathing; it was slow and calm. It was steady. Just the way he made her feel. They had been like this for at least an hour. Katniss knew she should try to sleep, but she wanted to remember this moment. There was a stillness around them, and Katniss didn’t feel the pain, the sadness, the guilt she had felt so strongly since she had arrived home. Peeta had stopped that. The feelings she had for him had overwhelmed everything else completely. She still didn’t know how he did it. He probably didn’t even know the effect he had. Katniss wished she could tell him, but maybe she didn’t need to use words.

“Hm?” Peeta’s eyes were closed, but he nuzzled his head closer towards Katniss. She could feel his nose against the top of her head. This was a feeling, a moment, that she didn’t want to end. Nothing else mattered at that moment. Peeta Mellark was next to her, and he wasn’t leaving.

“What you said before, about not being that boy anymore. It doesn’t matter.” This was when Katniss realised. Peeta was not the same person he was before the Games. But she wasn’t either. Katniss had become an entirely different person, and it didn’t matter. It couldn’t. There was nothing they could do about it. She had changed. And Peeta had. But he was still Peeta. She hadn’t lost him. Not to the Games. Not to the Capitol. Not to Snow. Or the hijacking. Katniss didn’t need him to be who he was before. She had him as he was, and that was perfect. Her feelings weren’t going to go away, only grow stronger. They would escape eventually, and Katniss would let them.

“I know.” Peeta opened his eyes, his eyebrows furrowed as he listened to Katniss. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking at that moment. Katniss wanted to tell how she didn’t care about it, she just needed him there, as he was. But the words wouldn’t form in her mouth. She was never good at her words. She was never good with the deep stuff. She said what needed to be said. And that was it.

“No, no one’s the same. Not me, not you, not Haymitch. We all changed. I wish…sometimes wish we hadn’t.”

“We had to.”

“Right.” Katniss nodded, surely Peeta understood what she was saying. He was clever, he knew Katniss. He had changed so much since District 13, even since the last time they saw each other at the Capitol. Katniss had accepted things couldn’t be as they were, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to feel that way. She only wanted what she felt in the moment. And what she felt for Peeta, was something good. It was something that made everything else seem bearable. He was the light that Katniss needed. She only wondered if he felt the same.

“Katniss,” Peeta spoke her name so softly, in a way Katniss couldn’t remember. She moved her head from his chest and looked at him directly. Their noses were only inches apart. Peeta’s eyes looked tired, but not unhappy. There was a certain glow about them, something Katniss hadn’t noticed before.

“Yes?”

“Go to sleep, OK?”

“OK. You too. Your dark circles are becoming a little unbearable.”

“OK, Katniss,” Peeta laughed, and Katniss watched as that small tint of happiness was etched across his face. “OK.”

#katniss x peeta #everlark #peeta x katniss #thg #the hunger games #thg fic #thg fanfic #thg fanfiction #everlark fic #everlark fanfic #my hand was the one you reached for all throughout the great war #mine #my writing

18 notes · View notes