#2023 was a time i'm still not over my threads obsession | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soaringwide · 1 month

Text

Pick a Card readings - what I learned as a viewer/consumer

Part 02 of my vision of the use of pick a card readings. I’m someone who makes them but I also consume them as a viewer. I wanted to combine both in a post but it’s too damn long so I divided in two parts. Part 1, reader (link); and this is part 2, consumer.

Part 02 - From a viewer point of view

Link to part 01 here

I discovered pick a cards readings on YouTube back in 2017, was super into them for like a couple years before distancing myself from that whole thing due to realizing the spiritual bullshit I was getting myself into (it's a story on its own, so perhaps I'll go back to it at another time).

Found my way back to them back in December 2023, again on YouTube, then Tumblr, due to a specific love situation I needed insight on but for some reason wasn't willing or able to divine on on my own.

The Good & the Bad

I definitely think that they can bring actual insight to a situation. There were many time where I was blown-away by how accurately a pile described my situation, despite feeling like I was just ''randomly'' choosing the first one that pulled me in.

It's definitely an interesting exercise of intuition, to see if you're connected well to yourself and if you're able to grab the thread that shines with your color the most. It's quite fun to see that some days it seems really easy to find your pile from the first try, and some days you just struggle, or don't find it at all.

It's a nice way to get familiar with the feeling of your intuition ''clicking'' when you're looking at all the piles, and makes you realize that it's something that's available to a lot of people, and that's fascinating on its own.

That whole thing made me think about what was happening exactly. Like, is this internet reader I've never interacted with actually reading on my personal energy or situation? I don't think so. I went into it a bit in part 01 but yeah I think those readings target too general energies for that. I see it more like story lines floating in the air, and the reader is guided towards translating one of them (by who or why, I don't fucking know).

Don't get me wrong, it might still be accurate because we human are unique but we also are all the fucking same deep down, and history repeats itself all the time.

It's a game of resonance, as in, you're naturally drawn to the pile that holds the same note as the one you hold inside. And sometimes you do stumble upon a reading that is so crazy specific that it seems like it was made just for you. Not gonna get too into that because I found this post by @helianthus-tarot that explains it very well already.

However, something I've experienced myself and anyone has to be super careful about, is to not over do it.

I think it's very easy to end up in a toxic cycle when you keep looking at tarot spreads about the same topics. What happens is that you keep getting slightly different answers, which make you confused about the situation, so you want to find more, and confuse yourself even further in the process, thus starting an obsessive cycle of not feeling satisfied with anything.

It also removes your sense of agency. You end up trusting what you read online more than your own intuition and guidance and you abandon yourself, in a way.

I'm saying that because I went through phases where I was ob-sess-ed with those damn PAC because of a love situation that was frustrating me a lot, and my mood would actually fluctuate a ton if I got a good one or a bad one. It's like I was trapped inside my own head and was just mirroring the chaos happening within me and mistaking it for reality. It's possible that some of them were actually real but I had no way of knowing because I was seeking as many PAC in a day as I could, thus drowning any useful message and keeping myself in a state of fear that colored everything else.

So yeah that's your PSA to be more mindful about what PAC you decide to read or watch. Don't just read everything all the time. Take breaks and only do it if you actually have a clear issue in mind and feel called to a reading, and once you get the message you needed, let it rest until you or the situation develops further.

#soaringwide #pick a card #pac readings

21 notes · View notes

feelbokkie · 9 months

Text

Ephemeral Love | Chapter 19

pairing: Seungmin x fem reader

genre: smau, crack, angst, fluff, non!idol au, university au, right person wrong time, minor character death

pov: 1st/2nd person (depending on how you view it)

warnings: swearing, grief, descriptions and thoughts of self harm (cigarette and lighter burns, falling out of window)

summary: Does love last forever, or is it fleeting? For university juniors Kim Seungmin and Seo Y/n, it's love at first sight but sometimes you meet your soulmate at the wrong time.

word count: 2,737 (unedited)

screenshot count: 6

previous | masterlist | next

"What the hell are you doing?" Changbin asks as he pulls you outside of the funeral home.

The second you walked into the funeral home with Seungmin, you were promptly dragged out by Changbin. Your family was taken aback by your appearance. Your newly cut, partly bleached hair being the main point of attraction. The other being your makeup, which is normally more subdued than it is now. Your outfit being the last. The black dress you found was fine. Some simple one that you bought ages ago for a family dinner that you dressed down with one of Chan's leather jackets that you borrowed and never returned and some beat-up black sneakers. You haven't even bothered to flip up your septum piercing. You looked more like you were going out for a night on the town than your father's funeral.

"You told me to be here early, I'm here early." You say dryly, yanking your arm out of his grip.

"That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.” He huffs through his teeth, nostrils flared.

"My hair? Got bored." You play with the blonde part of your bangs, twisting a strand around your finger.

"Are you doing this for attention? Is that what you want? You have my attention, so fucking stop." You watch as Changbin pinches the bridge of his nose with his left hand, your eyes freezing on the gold Rolex watch sitting on his wrist causing your breath to hitch in your throat and heart to drop to the pit of your stomach. You recognize it as the one your father bought for Changbin's 20th birthday but never gave to him. The one that was tucked away in his closet.

"Where did you get that watch?" You ask, your voice wavering.

"What?" He questions, opening one eye to look at you.

"The watch. Where did you get it?" You ask again louder, balling your fists.

"Dad's closet when noona and I were trying to find something to bury him in." He sighs, somewhat confused by the sudden change in conversation but slightly grateful. He didn't actually want to fight with you.

"That's not yours. Take it off." You say, a thread of warning in your voice.

"Yes, it is. There was a card with my name on it. My name is engraved on the inside. He got it for me."

"But he didn't give it to you. You don't deserve it so take. It. Off." You say, voice becoming frenzied.

"I don't deserve it? What are you talking about?" His voice gets louder, angrier, and overall more frustrated as the two of you continue to talk.

"Take it off," You hit Changbin's arm with all your strength. Which, to him, feels like getting headbutted by a kitten against.

"Stop it,"

"It's not yours. You don't deserve it." You repeat, tears pricking the back of your eyes as you reach for the watch to take it off of him yourself. No tears actually fall. There's none left to fill your eyes, let alone pour down your face.

Changbin moves his arm just out of your reach. Confused by your sudden obsession with the watch.

"What the hell is going on out here?" Iseul's voice cuts in. She appears behind Changbin, confused by the commotion.

"Gollum over here is throwing a goddamn temper tantrum over my watch," Changbin explains.

"It's not your watch! dad never gave it to you." You huff.

"He didn't get the chance to." He breathes.

"Whose fault is that?" You spit, your voice turned thin and cruel. The three of you becoming impossibly still.

Changbin drops his hand, taking a step closer to close the gap between the two of you, his mouth quirked in annoyance. You're not sure if he's going to hit you or say something equally hurtful. You aren't scared of either action, adrenaline coursing through your veins. You're expecting it. Craving it even. His suddenly Icy stare bored into your eyes, making it hard not to back away. Almost as if they're daring you to say something again. You open your mouth, unafraid to take the challenge.

"Changbin, go inside with mom." Iseul physically wedges herself in between the two of you. Changbin's eyes soften when they flick over to Isuel before he silently stomps away.

Iseul takes a deep breath, relieved to stomp a fight that would have only ended in certain disaster. She takes one more deep breath before turning around to face you. She studies your face, trying to read your expression but unable to read one. She frowns, worrying more than she was earlier in the week. Your eyes are motionless and far away, devoid of any light and emotion. Your skin was noticeably paler and your face slightly thinner. You didn't look like her little sister right now, and it scared her. She takes a deep breath in, her brain freezing at a familiar scent. She leans in close to your jacket to confirm her suspicions.

"Have you been smoking?" She asks in disbelief.

"So what if I have," You cross your arms, "are you going to beat the shit out of me and sit on me again?"

You started smoking when you were 15, curiosity getting the better of you. It wasn't often, only when you could manage to steal one from your father or bum one off of the older kids at school. Right before you turned 16, Iseul caught you smoking one and beat the absolute shit out of you and sat on you until you promise to never do it again. It was your first and only act of rebellion. Until now.

"You're supposed to be the smart and mature one." She rubs her temples.

"Sorry to disappoint. It is what I'm best at." Iseul's face twists in confusion at your words.

"Y/n, I know you're hurting right now. And I'm sorry that Bin and I have been too busy taking care of mom and getting everything in order for the funeral to take care of you--"

"I don't need you or anyone to take care of me. I'm fine." You cut her off.

"Really? You call your little smoking habit and your sudden need to change your appearance being 'fine?'" She scoffs.

"I call it Thursday, actually." You smirk.

"And now you're a comedian." She rolls her eyes.

"Yup, a regular John Mulaney. Now everyone can hop off my dick and leave me alone."

"You know," Iseul steps a little closer to you, "John Mulaney was very much not okay a few years ago. Had a nasty drug habit."

"Drugs would make this conversation so much more palatable. Thanks for the idea, sis."

"That's not funny."

"I'm not trying to be."

"I'm worried about you."

"Don't be,"

"I'm your big sister. I'm going to be. You're not acting like yourself and it's concerning and I'm sorry that none of us have said anything until now."

"Maybe this is who I am now. Who I was always meant to be."

"You wore footie pajamas and crawled into mine or Changbin's bed every time you had a nightmare or couldn't sleep until you were 12. This bitchy, pissed-off version of you isn't the real you. Trust me."

"Trust the woman who went to college for four years and earned a master's degree to become an art curator?"

"You can take all the jabs you want at me, I'm not Changbin. Nothing you say can hurt me right now. So try and push me away all you want, it's not going to happen." She smiles sadly.

"I'm not trying to push you or anyone away. I wish everyone would stop saying that." You sigh, loosening your grip on your arms.

"Okay, Y/n. Let's go inside. People are starting to come and we have to go greet them." Iseul reaches out her hand and tries to place it on your shoulder. You jump back, effectively dodging her. She slowly lowers her hand as she watches you ambly walk alone into the funeral home.

sizz

You wince at the burning sensation left by the end of your cigarette butt pressing into your skin, the pain dull and over quickly. You discard the extinguished butt haphazardly onto the street below and pull another one from the pack. You place the cigarette between your lips and light the end, taking in a huge drag and letting the toxic air sit momentarily before breathing it out. You pull out the cigarette from your mouth and gently press the burning end into your thigh as you take a sip of soju, a cycle you started after Seungmin left. It's not that you wanted to hurt yourself, it's that you wanted to prove to yourself that you felt something. You were still angry and depressed about your father, but mostly, you felt numb. You weren't even sure if you were feeling those emotions or just reacting. You weren't sure you could even feel anything anymore until a couple of days ago when you accidentally burned yourself when you dropped a cigarette on your leg.

You sit on the ledge outside of your bedroom window, dangling your legs halfway above your downstairs neighbor's window watching clouds float in the sky without a care in the world. The ledge in no way should be able to support your full body weight. You watched the ledge in Jisung and Felix's room fall apart after Felix put a cactus on it, but you didn't care. The funeral had ended a few hours ago. Unable to sit through more stories and lies about how your father was "a good man" from well-wishers trying to give comfort, you skipped the reception altogether. You asked Seungmin to take you home, not even telling your family that you were leaving.

You lean your head back into the glass of your window, and watch as a plane--or maybe a bird--flies through your line of sight. You hope it's a plane. You wish it is. Imagining you are aboard that plane, letting it take you anywhere other than here. Somewhere tropical where time doesn't exist and you can lounge around all day without a worry in the world. Somewhere with Seungmin.

"Put that shit out and get in here." Changbin's booming voice breaks through your daydream.

"Fuck off," You mutter, taking another long drag from your cigarette.

You quietly hum to yourself, not caring that your brother is in your room, waiting for you to come back in.

"Hey, when I die, I don't want you guys to sit around telling bullshit stories about how I was a good person or smart or anything like that. I give you full permission to tell the truth and spit on my grave." You proclaim, taking another sip of soju before setting it down next to you. Your hand misses the ledge and you watch as the bottle crashes to the ground below.

"Fucking hell," You hear Changbin mutter. Before you could reply, the cigarette was ripped from your hand and thrown to the side. Changbin quickly snakes his arms around your waist and manages to pull you back into your room, making you two fall to the ground.

"What is your problem? I was fine." You groan, rolling to your side to get up.

"You saw what that three-foot drop did to your drink, what do you think it would have done to your drunk ass?" He huffs from the floor, his back flat on the ground.

"Broken some bones, some brain and internal organ damage. Killed me if I was lucky but a fall from that height is mostly survivable and I possess no such luck." You sigh, slumping into your desk chair.

"Stop saying stuff like that." Changbin sits up, looking around your newly redecorated room. All of the posters and pictures that you had on your walls were in a pile in one corner and your stuffed animals in trash bags in another.

"What? We all die, we're not immortal. Who would want to be anyway?" You spin yourself in your chair, stopping when you're facing Changbin.

"I'm serious, knock it off." He closes his eyes and lets out a stressed breath.

"Why? Is it making you sad?" You lean to the side, resting your arm on the armrest and resting your head on the palm of your hand.

"Y/n," he warns, getting up from the floor.

"Hey Binnie, are you going to cry for me when I die? Or are you going to be relieved?" You ask curiously, spinning in your chair again.

"I said fucking stop!" He grabs your chair, stopping you at your bedroom door where you watch the rest of your roommates quickly run to their rooms.

Changbin slowly turns the chair towards him. He crouches down in front of you, looking you in the eyes. His eyes are barely open, but you can see how they glisten with unshed tears.

"Please, just stop." He whispers. The sight of our brother on the verge of tears should make you feel bad. Feel anything really, but you stare at him blankly.

"I wish I could believe me." You whisper back.

"I'll get you help, yeah? Maybe someone to talk to about all of this? You can take some more time off from school to process some of this before you go back."

"I'm not going back. I dropped out. Well, not yet, there's a surprising amount of paperwork involved."

You watch as Changbin's face twists from sadness, to confusion, and finally to anger. He blinks a few times, letting the tears fall down his face, as he tries to process what he just heard, his grip on the chair tightening.

"No you're not," He breathes.

"That's not your decision to make."

"You're not dropping out of college." He says, cracking his neck in preparation for a fight.

"Again, that's not your decision."

"You shouldn't be making big life decisions right now."

"Why? Are you disappointed in me too?" You smirk.

"Yeah, I am actually. This isn't funny."

"What's the point?"

"In what?"

"All of it. Me going to college. Me becoming a doctor?"

"Because you love it. Because you love medicine. Because you're smart. Because you love helping people. Because...fuck, because I said so," Changbin stands up and walks away from you.

"Whatever you say, dad." You roll your eyes at him.

"What are you even going to do if you drop out? Become a full-time piercer?"

"I could also start doing tattoos. I'm good at art."

"You're not throwing away your future to become a tattoo artist!"

"You do realize you're being a fucking hypocrite right now, right? You didn't even go to college and became a tattoo artist."

"That's different, I've always wanted to be a tattoo artist, you always wanted to be a doctor. You're not dropping out!" He bellows.

"Watch me." You throwback.

"Then get out,"

"This is my room." You roll your eyes.

"Not of the room, the apartment."

"What? Why?"

"I'm trying to help you but you clearly don't want to be helped. I'm not going to sit and watch as you self-destruct and fuck up your entire life because you're grieving and mad at the world. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of being constantly treated like shit because I had to move out when you were in high school. So get out." He clenches his fist, wanting to hit something.

You stare at Changbin, not sure if he is serious or trying to prove a point. He stands in the middle of the room, arms crossed, waiting for you to make the next move. You walk past him grabbing your backpack, significantly lighter now that you've cleaned it out, and shove some clothes and things inside.

"Okay, fine. I spent the first 20 years of my life under dad's thumb. I'm not going to spend the next 20 under yours." Your voice dripping with venom, ready to strike again.

"Fine! Leave! Drop out of fucking college! Get pregnant for all I care, I'm done Y/n! If you want to fuck up your life, that's fine by me! Just don't come crying to me when it all turns to shit!" He yells, his voice no doubt traveling to your neighbors' apartments.

You sling your backpack over your shoulder and storm out of the apartment, making sure to slam the door as you leave.

—

Buy me a coffee?

64 notes · View notes

tleeaves · 4 months

Text

The Fictional Crush Line-Up For 2023 and Beyond

Was going to do this sooner (as in a review on the year based on the new or resurfaced interests I picked up, with aforementioned fictional crushes along the way), but I wanted to collect art for them all too and then I also had to try and remember them all. But here we are. If I'm missing any, I'll either have to edit and or reblog to include them.

See if you can spot any common threads (it may get trickier as the list goes on, just be warned). This goes almost in chronological order. But order does not in any way reflect my level of brainrot and obsession with each.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE FRAGILE THREADS OF POWER, BALDUR'S GATE III, AND ARCANE: LEAGUE OF LEGENDS (SPECIFICALLY REGARDING VIKTOR).

Consider yourself warned.

Victor Vale (Vicious by V.E. Schwab)

Victor and his revenge story are kind of responsible for kick-starting my journey of self-rediscovery these past twelve months, in a strange and roundabout way. He made me want to stick up for myself and what I wanted out of life. Sure, he's extremely morally grey in a concerning way, and yeah, we don't normally encourage revenge, but I found him a comfort at a difficult time. But also, I could totally fix him (no one can and it's no one's responsibility, yet the sentiment is still there). I'm not usually one for blonds (I am a liar) but his cold aesthetic is oddly pleasing. There's nothing I understand more than an awe that rots into resentment and envy while maintaining the same thread of fascination with someone. "Victor Vale was not a fucking sidekick" is just a, mwah, chef's kiss line. Honestly, I have less of a crush on this guy, more of an understanding that I appreciate. Also, I haven't even mentioned the chronic pain implications and canon uses of his powers. But that might be for another time.

Viktor (Arcane: League of Legends)

Another Viktor with chronic illness themes and whose (in LoL lore) regard for a partner in science goes sour over time as they pursue different objectives (not seen in the Netflix series yet, of course, it's too early for glorious evolution). This guy always comes back to rot in my brain, and I cannot wait for season 2 later this year to see what comes of his arc. I'm planning a fanfic involving him, Jayce, and maybe/sort of Jinx, based on a dream I had months ago but still have swirling in the soup that is my consciousness. There is something so pretty about this guy. If I was more confident in my sketching abilities, he'd end up being my muse way too often. Viktor's character to me is kind of a tragedy personified, and I love a good tragedy. Oh, and his voice actor?? Amazing. There's some debate over how authentic he sounds to Eastern Europeans, but the accent aside still, he sounds sooo good. I want to sit in on a lecture where he speaks about literally anything for two hours.

Kell Maresh (A Darker Shade of Magic; The Fragile Threads of Power by V.E. Schwab)

Usually, I don't talk about Kell because of how silly I feel like my crush on him is. I identify with Delilah "Lila" Bard throughout ADSOM and even Threads, so I hate further mentioning how much I actually think about Kell because I'd have to fist fight anyone who said I only relate to her because of Kell when that's not the truth. And yet, there's still enough differences between Lila and I for me to be like "if I had to pick a woman in the Schwabverse..." But also, MAYBE I JUST THINK KELL IS GORGEOUS, OKAY? 🫣 Maybe I like that he starts as a somewhat naive prince who's had things both easy and rough in life (wanting to be loved by the only family you know and not feel like you're only there to protect your adoptive brother whom your parents tried to tell you both was not actually your brother and you should stop treating each other as such is VALID, argue with the wall, also he's the bodyguard and eternal worrier (yes, worrying) for Rhy and he's taken lives way too young). Maybe I like that he fell first and fell hard for Lila (okay, but if we're getting into the nitty-gritty, she did flirt with him first multiple times, but she would never admit to actual feelings), that he's the male love interest without reservations for once, leaving it up to Lila and whether she's open to love for once in a story. And yeah, okay, maybe I like that he's actually some kind of a prince charming, the sort you always secretly dream about, you know? Shut up. I like his stupid magic coat too. He's clever, but occasionally actually unbelievably dumb, he's funny and witty yet he knows when to keep his mouth shut (and is usually the one hauling others out of a scrap because of their own smart mouths), he cares too much about his family, AND DID I MENTION HE ALSO HAS CHRONIC ILLNESS THEMES THAT BROKE MY DAMN CHRONICALLY ILL AND IN PAIN HEART? I've said too much already, but there. He's a guy.

Miguel O'Hara (Spider-Man: Across The SpiderVerse)

This is the one my sister teases me most about because she doesn't get it. To be honest with you all, even I don't know how to explain it. But this guy. Miguel. There is something about him that I just abdkjdjsdv, you know? Is it the tragedy? The moral greyness? The fangs? His insane height? Just his fanon self? The fucking muscles?? I don't know. But I will defend how interesting he is as an antagonist until the cows come home.

Elliott (Stardew Valley)

Oh... boy. Sometimes, I realise I have a type. It's pretty guys who are hopeless romantics that write novels and poetry. Maybe it's just this one guy. But wow, it works on me. I'm writing a fanfic about him because I need to. There's only 400-odd words to it so far. It was not long after I met him in the game that I decided I had to wife him up. I planted that pomegranate tree early, because it's his favourite fruit for those who don't know, and he loves receiving them as a gift. I got ducks so I could give him their stray feathers. I learned how and when to find lobsters and catch crabs because he loves those too. If I'm out of gifts, I go get a coffee for him because every writer needs their sustenance. Literally, by Spring of Year 2, we were married, and I wondered if perhaps I might have been a little too single-mindedly pursuing every one of those cut scenes when I should have been taking it a bit slower and making it less of a mission. Don't know what to tell you, I went crazy. I fully believe in the headcanon that he gets up early just to go through his haircare routine. Is he pretentious? Maybe. Does he lay it on a little too thick that he's scared of dying alone? Well, okay, yes. Does it bother me that as a househusband he doesn't help out more on the farm? Occasionally. But there's also no one else I'd rather be with (and I developed a sprinkler system specifically so there was less work for me anyway and so now I don't mind at all when he isn't helping). And I can't believe my sister ever introduced me to Stardew Valley because I am now mentally ill about a videogame character made of pixels. Yes, I make wine just for him too. Hush. I spoil him daily now that we're married. Our first child is a son named Ernest. I was debating between Ernest and Edgar, and honestly, I think I should have gone with the latter, but I chose the former. All the dialogue from Elliott is so frickin' cute.

Astarion Ancunín (Baldur's Gate III)

And do you know what the worst part about this one is? I still haven't actually played Baldur's Gate III. I know, I KNOW. A crime. I'm working on it. But you best believe I've watched every cutscene I can, every scrap of gameplay dialogue, all the choices, the different endings you can get with him (Ascended breaks my heart every time -- I don't care how hot he is, it's not what he would have wanted, he doesn't love you like he used to anymore, and he's not as happy as he could be), and I've listened to all the interviews with Neil Newbon and the writer for Astarion about him. This fruity traumatised vampire haunts me. I want to hold him gently and caress his face and tell him he's beautiful and what he looks like to me since he hasn't seen his reflection in centuries and I want to make sure he knows he's loved. I want him to bite me and drink my blood too, but that's not as important. Does it weird me out how much he reminds me of Prince Charming from the Shrek franchise and Preminger from Barbie: The Princess and the Pauper and then aesthetically Asra from The Arcana: A Mystic Romance? Yes. But Astarion's also his own character and I'm in love with his smile and goofy lines.

Settrigh "Sett" (Heartsteel; League of Legends)

This... might be the lowest point, actually 💀 My sister would agree. Because it's not enough to crush on book characters, show characters, and videogame characters -- while technically this guy is a videogame character and was part of League of Legends waaay before the music video, it was the PARANOIA music video that got me. So, even fictional characters made/involved in music videos are not safe from my heart. Because, as I understand it, OG Sett is a bit different from Heartsteel Sett, and I've found I usually prefer reading about the interpretation of the latter in fanfic more than the former. I mean, I still really, really enjoy fanfics where he's The Big Boss of the pits, and or his other background/lore is included, but I've read some where his old personality is a bit Yikes. The golden retriever energy is my favourite era of his if we can call it that (I still headcanon him as a part fox Vastayan, you can't convince me otherwise so go argue with someone else about it, not me). And honestly, I think I might have read more fics involving Sett in 2023 than I did any of the other characters on this list. Which is saying something since he's not as popular as a few of them. He's a pretty guy and I wish to bite him. Lovingly.

Mizu (Blue Eye Samurai)

Oh woman. Mizu is... is... she's basically my wife. I know she's all our wife, but like just let me dream a little here. As soon as I finished the series, I was opening up Tumblr, Pinterest, and AO3, my holy trinity of fandom. My platonic wife was sending me TikToks of our shared fictional wife. Mizu can wind up non-binary, male, female, I honestly do not mind because I am in love with any version she is/becomes (for now, I interpret her as a woman in disguise, but if that changes, I'll absolutely change how I refer to Mizu). She is a tragedy wrapped up in revenge because of a rotten love and unfortunate parentage and time period. I want her as much as I want to be her. Also? I go insane over her little smiles and smirks. I LOVE when we got to hear her laugh, even if it was mostly the flashbacks (do not mention Mikio near me; if he wasn't already dead, I would kill him). Also, who doesn't hate their British/white half, ahaha, oh my god, I know mixed ethnicity is a hot topic for people who do not want POC whitewashed in media, and I fully understand that, but I do appreciate seeing parts of myself in mixed characters like the conflict between trying to be more like one side than another. I'll also admit it: she does indeed look hot covered in blood and carrying a sword. I'll see myself out the door. I've been wanting to write a fanfic about her but I'm still stewing over ideas. Mizu is also probably my first truly major crush on a fictional woman (other than my childhood crush on Helga Sinclair from Atlantis: The Lost Empire). Vi from Arcane comes pretty close, but I see too much of myself in her that it gets weird.

We'll do some honourable mentions for characters from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim since I've gotten into that again.

Brynjolf, Hadvar, and Nazir, I wish I could mod my gameplay so I could marry you. The developers hated their men-loving gamers (I know the women-lovers complain about Serana, but she will never be as heartbreaking as Brynjolf, I don't care if she recognises proposals only to decline them). I mean, Brynjolf is the Tamriel equivalent of Scottish, he calls you "lass/lad", has got a smoothass voice, supports you through so much of the Thieves Guild questline, has a wicked sense of humour, and then when you finish the questline, it's all "sorry, lass. Got important things to do. We'll speak another time" 😭 You can't even recruit him as a follower. He says nothing when you wear an amulet of Mara. I play on a fucking PS4, I can't do mods to marry him or get more dialogue.

(By the way, on my most recent playthrough, Lydia died when I fought the troll on the seven thousand steps, and I am still mad about it. It used to be difficult for Lydia to die, that was why I brought her everywhere, and now I have to become Batman "I work alone". ESPECIALLY after Benor then died on the way up to Paarthurnax. I still can't believe that happened, I should have told him to stay behind and wait for my return.)

Also, every time I play, Derkeethus is so bugged, I can't even rescue him let alone marry the guy, which was disappointing because he seemed nice.

Argis the Bulwark, Vilkas, Farkas, Rayya, Aela the Huntress, and Marcurio, you are all marriageable and live in my heart always. Marcurio was the first I ever married, I think. Three guesses why I chose him (it's the sarcasm, wisecracks, and general sense of humour) (maybe the long hair too). Has anyone noticed how there doesn't seem to be marriageable options among the Khajiit characters?? Why do you think that is? I just checked the Skyrim marriage wiki and this is what it has to say in the trivia: 'There are no Khajiit spouses, however; since the majority of Khajiit in Skyrim are traders or travelers from Elsweyr, they probably have families back home. Additionally, Khajiit characters talk about home a lot, stating how much they miss it and how cold Skyrim is; thus, they probably do not want to marry and settle down in Skyrim.'

Heart-breaking. Oh well.

And that's the end of the line-up. If you read through this, Divines bless your goddamn soul. Psycho-analyse me based on them, I dare you. Or just judge me. I'd like to see either. And if you can find something in common about them all (you don't need to consider the honourable Skyrim mentions), please let me know, because I am personally at a loss.

#victor vale #viktor arcane #kell maresh #miguel o'hara #elliott stardew valley #astarion ancunin #sett heartsteel #mizu blue eye samurai #skyrim characters #these are all just from the past twelve months #the real common thread here might just be mental illness

21 notes · View notes

jessenigma · 5 months

Text

My Favorite New Manga Reads of 2023

For the past few years on twitter, I've made threads of some of my favorite manga and light novel reads from the past year. This year, I decided I would move it over to two tumblr posts.

After the cut are some of my favorite titles that I picked up for the first time in 2023.

Talk to My Back, Yamada Murasaki

I like to pick up something a little more unusual at least once a year and so at the beginning of this year, I picked up this 1980s alt-manga title about the life of a Tokyo housewife played out in short vignettes. It's a frustrating read because of how real it feels and how much it feels like things haven't changed as much in the last 40 years as I'd like, but it's all the more fascinating for it. The essay at the end discussing Yamada Murasaki's work and placing it in context was a nice bonus too.

When a Cat Faces West, Yuki Urushibara

I love Yuki Urushibara's Mushishi (slow though I have been to actually finish it), so when Kodansha announced a license for Urushibara's much shorter series, I was there for it. It has a cool concept - there are areas of "flow" that will pop up out of nowhere and shift people and places out of time and space and one guy has tasked himself with helping people fix issues caused by it - but mostly it feels like Mushishi but set in the present day. I love a series that's just vibes all the way down.

Skip and Loafer, Misaki Takamatsu

I was absolutely smitten with the Skip and Loafer anime, so when it ended with what felt like a pretty definitive "we are not making a second season of this" final episode, I started the manga. A high school slice of life series lives by its characters and Mitsumi is the more adorable dork ever. The other characters are equally delightful, even when I don't necessarily like them, and I'm so eager to dive deeper into their lives.

Associate Professor Akira Takatsuki's Conjecture (light novel), Mikage Sawamura

This series feels a bit like what you'd get if you crossed The Case Files of Jeweler Richard and The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window: a college student with a supernatural ability to hear lies that alienates him from everyone meets a folklore professor with a mysterious past fascinated by mysteries, and together they investigate possibly-supernatural events. It's a bit silly, but the relationship between the leads is interesting and there's a lot of fun urban legends in the mix. There's also a manga adaptation that I haven't yet picked up, but maybe one day...

March Comes in Like a Lion, Chica Umino

I was curious about this one from the second Denpa announced the license just because of how much I'd heard about the series for years now, and it did not disappoint. I love a good story about a depressed and lonely teenage boy sublimating his feelings into an obsession with a uniquely Japanese pastime, especially when there's so many people around him wanting to help him stop being alone. Now I just wish that the release wasn't quite as slow as it has been, even if I know the many reasons why...though at least I still have the anime to rewatch while I wait.

Don't Call It Mystery, Yumi Tamura

After reading Basara and Wild Com, I was eager to get my hands on a newer series by Yumi Tamura, and the fact that it's a modern-day non-fantasy series made it all the more interesting. Totonou's incessant observations about the things going on around him are delightful, especially when they lead him straight into all kinds of dangers or even just leave everyone around him wishing he'd stop talking for about five seconds. I just want to pat him on the head and ask him to make me some curry.

After the Rain, Jun Mayuzuki

I got a card for the Japan Foundation's ebook library not too long ago, which has been great for picking up a lot of books that aren't available in my local library's collection, including this series. I had heard about it but was a bit hesitant because it's about a teenage girl who gets a crush on her much older boss...but hey, why not give it a try from the library? I'm glad I did because there was such a sweet relationship between them that ultimately helped them both out of the ruts they were in with their personal lives and dreams.

River's Edge, Kyoko Okazaki

I still can't decide if I actually enjoy Kyoko Okazaki's work or not, but I got a little closer to it with River's Edge. It's a harsh story about disaffected teenagers who find a dead body, but somehow it feels less depressing than the other works of hers I've read because they're teenagers and there's still the possibility that they can escape the lives that are dragging them down. I will say this - Okazaki's stories are never boring, whether I enjoy them or not.

Her, Tomoko Yamashita

I got a little overambitious this year and ordered the Italian release of a Tomoko Yamashita title I've been wanting to read for years. Can I read Italian? No. Did I think maybe I could figure it out kinda okay because I've studied French and Spanish? Yes. Did I end up reading everything through a translation app? Also yes. But this collection of interconnected stories about women and relationships was excellent despite the language barrier. I was thrilled to finally see the context for the kiss between a younger woman and an elderly woman that I so admired in Yamashita's 15th anniversary artbook, and its story was a touching exploration of what "normal" means. I would love to see this in English, but unfortunately I can't see it getting picked up.

Glitch, Shima Shinya

I was thrilled that Yen Press decided to pick up another title from Shima Shinya after Lost Lad London, and Glitch has been well worth my time. While it is a fantasy story about a town full of glitches in reality that I'm excited to see play out fully, what really caught my eye is the sheer amount of diversity in the characters - one of the leads is nonbinary, there are mixed race characters, there's a lesbian couple, etc. It's all part of the story but not in a didactic way, which I appreciate immensely. Shinya's art also makes me so happy, and I hope Yen continues to get more of their work.

Lilies and Voices Born Upon the Wind, Renmei

Speaking of diversity in characters, I enjoyed this series not only because it was a nice yuri with a motorcycle lesbian (always a bonus in my book, the motorcycle) but because it had some really thoughtful discussion of asexuality in multiple forms. I wish I could've gotten one of the printed copies that were available for purchase at one con, but alas.

Witch Hat Atelier Kitchen, Hiromi Sato & Kamome Shirahama

Did we really need a cooking series spinoff of Witch Hat Atelier? Probably not. Am I glad we got it in English anyway? Absolutely. This is basically an Olruggio/Qifrey slowburn domestic au fanfic and I adore it. And I love that they keep up the conceit about magical ingredients in each chapter's recipe, even though they are legit recipes you can actually make with the real ingredients recommended as substitutions. What Did You Eat Yesterday? but with witches, clearly an ideal combination.

Scribbles, Kaoru Mori

I am not actually a diehard fan of Kaoru Mori's work - I drifted away from A Bride's Story when I ran out of volumes at the library - but I do unabashedly adore her art. Scribbles is just perfect for me with its pages from her sketchbooks and her commentary about things like the ideal skirt tightness. I bought this in hardcover and all and will continue to get the other volumes in hardcover even though I almost always get Yen Press titles digitally because it's so much cheaper that way, that's how much I like it.

Innocent, Shin'ichi Sakamoto

I've had my eye on Shin'ichi Sakamoto's work for a while because I saw a bunch of panels from Innocent on here and fell in love with the art. What I did not expect was that the violently erotic story about a French executioner would actually get an English license. It's gorgeous and violent and weird and I am so here for it. Now, if I could just be sure that Dark Horse actually plans on releasing the whole thing...

Barbarities, Tsuta Suzuki

Much like with Innocent, I saw panels from Barbarities on here ages ago and wished I could read it without much hope, given the lack of other licenses for Tsuta Suzuki's bl since SuBLime's relicense of A Strange & Mystifying Story ages ago. But thankfully I am getting to read this nebulously historical drama with all of its social machinations and pretty men getting flustered by other flirtatious pretty men. And such nice clothes!

A Home Far Away, Teki Yatsuda

Kuma really gets some stellar licenses and A Home Far Away was especially good. Set in 1990s America, it reminded me of nothing so much as My Own Private Idaho crossed with Banana Fish and made me weep absolute buckets in the end. I don't think it's for everyone, but if you were ever an aficionado of depressing 90s queer cinema like I once was, this might be one for you.

À vos cotés [Tonari ni], Basso

I was shocked when the announcement for the French release of this title crossed my twitter timeline earlier this year - France has even less by Natsume Ono than the US does, but one of their publishers managed to get one of her actual bl titles published under her bl penname? So naturally, I had to get it. It's super sweet, about a young man who likes to take photos of horses at a racetrack who meets a much older man, and I swear reading it was just like reading her non-bl work only this time the two characters actually got to say their feelings out loud. This would be a perfect addition to several mainstream US publishers' bl lineup, and I would be the first in line to buy it if they did license it in English.

Dear, My God, Nemui Asada

More by Nemui Asada in English! I love Asada's work for its unique storylines and this one didn't disappoint, with a story about a priest having sex with a cult member to help save him and another story about a guy who ends up with a talking plant. It's a bit disappointing that it's only available on futekiya - when will we get some of these titles in print already?

Ikigami & Donor, Hiko Yamanaka

Hiko Yamanaka is another one whose work is always a bit outside the mold, and Ikigami & Donor is an interesting sci-fi bl about powerful "living gods" who have tremendous abilities but can't heal from injuries without blood, bodily fluids, or tissues from one specific donor. It's a fascinating concept and the way the relationship between one ikigami and his donor played out made for an interesting story. I hope to see more from Yamanaka one day.

17 notes · View notes

darkpoisonouslove · 5 months

Text

2023 in Words

We got 2024... tomorrow. 0_0 Normal. I am so fucking normal about this.

How's it going? My eyes are closing, my hands are shaking and my to-do list until the end of the day has several tasks more than I can handle on it as usual which is all a pretty good summary of 2023. Let's see what came out of it:

Word Count:

101 079 words

Phew. I was afraid it would be much worse. That's not super bad considering I've been stuck on one story for more than half of the year and those words are not included here. (Also not included is my almost 40k-word outline for said story, nor any other outlines, so... uhh... actually way more words were written this year.)

Stories:

(I'm not bothering with an overview of the fandoms because it's just Winx.)

A total of 7. And that's counting the first chapter of Fallen Love as a story. Ouch! I hoped to get more done this year but on the plus side, I really love the stories that I did write (and the ones I am still planning)!

Actually, there's 3 other finished stories that I do not ever plan on publishing, which rounds up the total number to 10.

Favorite writing moment - this is tough but I'm going to go with coming up with a completely new angle to Griffin's motivations for pretty much anything she's ever done. I've decided to step away from the righteous fight for getting dark magic users the equality they deserve and see how her character looks through a more selfish prism. I have to say that I love what's currently brewing in my head and the newest reason I've given her for leaving Valtor finally is something really personal that only has to do with the two of them and isn't just... guilt in a trench coat. I like to think that means I am healing as well and don't need to work out my subconscious guilt through her.

Wildest writing moment - definitely one of those 3 never-to-be-published fics. It was a total nothing smut idea and then I'm suddenly left with the most cohesive piece I've written since... ever. Usually when I try to explore several different angles of something in one piece, I start to get tangled up in the different threads and completely lose myself in the story. Whether because this was for fun and I wasn't stressing or for another reason, that didn't happen with this story and all threads are in their perfect place. I'm... thrilled about it! :D

Ships:

This department has suffered too. There's the usual Griffin x Valtor, Griffin x Faragonda, Erendor x Samara (in my documents) and a side of Marion x Oritel and Marion x Griffin (yay!)... and that's about it. Frankly, I am not truly disappointed by this as it has allowed me to focus more on the relationships (that interest me) and on the characters.

I wrote Oritel PoV for the first time this year! Truly an accomplishment considering that he's just Marion's husband in my head and that's pretty much it.

I am also confident in saying that I have a much better grasp on Griffin and Valtor both as characters and as a pairing and most of the enlightenment happened over the last couple of months. I am looking forward to applying all this new knowledge into my fics next year!

That would be videos. I'm pretty sure those are also less than I made last year but that doesn't matter because I feel that I made some really good ones this year!

Other works:

Naturally, my favorites are Griffin x Valtor ones:

Griffin x Valtor - Haunting

Griffin x Valtor - "It's turned to an obsession"

Griffin x Valtor - Daylight

I do have to mention these two:

Griffin x Faragonda & Valtor - Another Love

Griffin x Faragonda - Slumber Party

They are so polar and I love the contrast of Griffin being unable to move on from Valtor in the first versus Faragonda stealing Griffin from Valtor in the second. XD

And last but not least, the video that I am proudest of because of how little material there was to work with and because this is my ship that I made from the ground up:

Griffin x Luna - Lethal Woman

#my writing #my fanfiction #my fanfic #about me #personal #my videos #2023 #2023 in words #winx club #griffin x valtor

4 notes · View notes

gil-estel · 1 year

Text

January 2023 Reads

The River of Silver, S. A. Chakraborty (2022)

Silver in the Wood, Emily Tesh (2019)

Drowned Country, Emily Tesh (2020)

The Spear Cuts Through Water, Simon Jimenez (2022)

Shards of Earth, Adrian Tchaikovsky (2021)

Eyes of the Void, Adrian Tchaikovsky (2022)

Children of Time, Adrian Tchaikovsky (2015)

Children of Ruin, Adrian Tchaikovsky (2019)

River of Silver ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

It's been over a year since I finished Empire of Gold, but jumping back in via The River of Silver, it was like I never left Daevabad. Reading these shorts was much the same comfort-food experience of scrolling through AO3 after finishing a series in search of fics tagged "Missing Scene". Some of my favorites were "Duriyah", the alternative epilogue to Empire of Gold, and the last chapter with Nahri & Ali. It's testament to the vividness of Chakraborty's characters that each of these stories felt like visiting an old friend.

Silver in the Wood ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

A cozy little book, which manages to be sweet but not saccharine. At times it felt like events could use a little bit more room to breath, but an enjoyable read nonetheless.

Drowned Country ⭐⭐⭐½

A bit of a disappointment after Silver in the Wood. Silver is an altogether less sympathetic narrator than Tobias, and the story itself is much more disjointed and the ending a little too neat. I find myself wishing for a book about the adventures of Maud, Mrs Silver, and Tobias (sans Silver himself) all of whom were rather underutilized in this story.

The Spear Cuts Through Water ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

It was initially a little difficult to start this book—the second-person narration and setting seemingly disconnected from the synopsis raising the barrier to entry. But boy was pushing through it worth it! The prose really manages to convey a sense of mythic weight and wonder and the crush of ages. That being said, this book isn't going to be for everyone—it has ritualistic cannibalism, for a start. While some books are perfect on their own, I will admit that I find myself wanting to read more in this universe; it feels like room still remains for a sequel (a thread still unknotted, or just loosely so... easily unraveled).

Shards of Earth ⭐⭐⭐⭐

This book scratched the hyperspace-navigation-shenanigans itch that the Rebels sequel probably won't. I fully enjoyed the world-building and the ensemble cast. The romantic tension/chemistry fell a little flat for me, but honestly that's not really the point of the story so it's not a big deal.

Eyes of the Void ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This one was *very* fun and I'm excited to see how the series concludes! My only complaint is that at times the exposition felt repetitive, with the narration rehashing events multiple times as if we might have forgotten over the last 100 pages.

Children of Time ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I am obsessed with the world building in this book, and utterly fascinated by the time scales across which the plot occurs. Very unexpected and so interesting.

Children of Ruin

I'm currently at 51% and loving it! Both a direct sequel to Children of Time and an exciting, new narrative.

#yes i have been tearing through adrian tchaikovsky's works they're quite fun #im gonna try to keep this up so i dont actually go months without reading again #BookGoals23 #also for reference i tend not to finish books I'm not enjoying so my ratings tend to skew high

24 notes · View notes

benwvatt · 4 months

Text

2023 year-end fic round-up

Thank you so much to @chocomd @itsmoonpeaches @northerngoshawk for the tag! awww, it's a wonderful kataang squad.

words written, published or not: I published 68,911 words on AO3. I publish most of the stuff I write (can you tell I like validation?) so that seems a good measure of my writing.

smut scenes written (if applicable:) two? one for oh, darling (kataang, atla) and some dream sex and religious trauma content for my petals are bruised (tara x darcy, heartstopper.) You can tell I'm funky and ace because I have an easier time writing about hypothetical sex or desire or messy emotions than actual sex.

new things I tried: OOOOH this one will be fun!

Finally actually wrote a multi-chap fic that I (mostly) FINISHED before I published, for i'm cold-blooded, love (heartstopper fic), which got published in 2024.

Can you tell I am very obsessed with writing about religious trauma? I worked a lot on my stories and wrote a lot about sanctity and blood and messy feelings. That's the major influence of i'm cold-blooded, love; my stomach churns (zukka, atla); in reverence (kataang, atla); it's all an epiphany (heartstopper); father, carry me (heartstopper); dance like nobody's watching (miss fisher's murder mysteries); and the heartstopper jolene AU. god is the worst gift that truly keeps on giving. he's a goddamn three-headed hydra.

Wrote a lot more Heartstopper 1000-word prompt fics!

Had fun writing about Graham & Karen from Daisy Jones. They're the cutest. I honestly should/could write more about them.

Attempting to disconnect my writing motivation from the satisfaction of getting comments and hits on ao3. is it working yet???

fic I spent the most time on: my spirit always drifts back to yours, the kataang kyoshi warrior AU that I hope will be finished. Sometime. When my hands and my brain are cooperating. I promise this fic matters a lot to me, I love it a lot, and I need to insert so much tenderness and smut in the future chapters. SOMETIME. SOMEDAY!

fic I spent the least time on: in the velvet water, aka the heartstopper AU where they meet at a swimming pool. Was really busy and happy that night so I just published without a second glance.

favorite thing i wrote: probably my petals are bruised, the tarcy jolene AU / lonely housewife AU, because I love writing about suburban malaise and religious trauma and sapphics so, so much. Can you tell that I am projecting? Loneliness in the suburbs sucks. Writing makes it better.

favorite thing I read: lavender fields by scienceisrealyo (heartstopper); @kaalee's Charlie Spring is Still Not Over Nick Nelson, which I was lucky enough to beta; all of the amazing kataang fics that came out this year for kataang week and for the smut weekend event; everything ever written about love (RWRB) by greenandmoss.

writing goals for 2024:

FINISH MY OPEN WIPS ON AO3. I like it when things are completed.

Don't publish a multichapter fic unless I know I can finish it on a regular schedule. I hate leaving loose threads all over the place.

Try to care less about the numbers and the validation. Writing is about joy, not about the size of the audience. but also it feels so nice to get validation and the circle of life cannot close unless creators get feedback on their work....

Be nicer to myself.

Write more???? mayhaps?

tagging: @kaalee @tinyarmedtrex @firenati0n @nostradamus0 @beachy--head @mothfluff and anyone else who wants to do this challenge! No pressure, really, to the people I've tagged. Do it if you want to.

#benwvatt #tag game #fanfic #ao3

3 notes · View notes

just-emerald-star · 11 months

Text

2023: The Year of Social Media Burnout

Is it just me or has every single alternative to Twitter (including good ol Tumblr here, no shade) led to a severe case of burn out??? Cuz I personally can't take it anymore. In the time since Tumblr was taken over by that narcissistic man child, we've had A FUCK TON of social media alternatives or "twitter clones" pop up or take advantage of every single chance they get cuz Twitter falls apart at least every other week like clockwork.

-Hive (Tried it. Hated it. No Desktop version yet.)

-Spoutible (Giving off echo-chamber vibes. Shitty NSFW/sex worker policies despite being for all marginalized folks.)

-Spill (Whomst?)

-Mastodon (Exists)

-Bluesky (Run by the former twitter CEO. Fuck him as well.)

-Threads (Just launched. 6/10)

-Post (Whomst)

-Substack (An attempt was made)

And plenty more I don't know about yet. I'm sure they'll become relevant at some point. My point is this: Look at how many alternatives have come into prominence in the past 8 months.

This is all in response to Twitter malfunctioning and being run by a dumbass. And everyone's immediate response is "let's move somewhere else" but we often forget that not every site is gonna have that reach you're looking for to promote your shit (if you're a creative like me.) It's not gonna have every function like Twitter & if it does have said functions, that's a whole new system you gotta adapt to. I've tried so many alternatives in the past 8 months out of fear that Twitter may actually shut down. And yet, it's still the one place I often go to. The exception to the rule of course is ya boi Tumblr. And while I appreciate this site, it's taken a bit to adjust.

And me being a creator who just wants folks to see my work but also not be stressed by social media's ever-changing ways, I gotta tell ya folks: I am very much stressed out, burnt out & on the brink of wanting to just...delete everything.

I can't keep spreading myself thin and can't keep depending on new sites, cuz that means I have to build myself from the ground up. And that's not even counting the sites that lack certain functions & can't get their shit together cuz they launched prematurely just to get a leg up on Twitter's bag fumbling.

Not to mention (and I've been saying this shit since December 2022):

TWITTER'S TOOLS & FUNCTIONS ARE GOOD, ACTUALLY. EVERYONE WANTS TO REPLACE TWITTER BUT NO ONE WANTS TO BE TWITTER.

In conclusion: Aside from Tumblr, I think I'll be downsizing on social media presence. I can't nor REFUSE to let myself deal with being spread too thin. It's giving social media obsession and I've had enough. It's not enough to be NEW & BETTER than Twitter. You gotta show us that you understood what worked/didn't work on Twitter and put your own spin on things. Not expecting perfection, I just want better options.

TL;DR There will never be another Twitter, only Twitter Adjacent & that's sad. Cuz Twitter, despite ALL of it's bullshit, has done some actual good & given light to more issues in the last 10 years thx to it's very existence. and it's being fucked over by an old ass transphobic man child in the midst of mid-life crisis.

#rant post #need to vent #social media #twitter is done #twitter alternative #burnout #everyone wants to replace twitter but no one wants to be twitter #Had to get this off my chest #is it just me?

4 notes · View notes

psychicdronefemale-ocd · 20 days

Text

Neutral Wonderings (March 8, 2023)

i wonder if a large part of what i'm experiencing is extreme over-awareness and scrutiny of all my thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. maybe i greatly exaggerate the feelings/experiences i have, and prolong them by how i react to them. i just struggle so much with uncertainty and lack of understanding. is it mental or physical? what is even the line between them? does it matter?

i still think there are persistent health obsessions. both about mental and physical health. i feel the instrusive thoughts slip away from the violent genre and into the health-anxiety genre. i wonder why? did i conquer the violent thoughts? have i become comfortable with them and able to recognize them as silly and non-threatening? certainly, the health-anxiety thoughts are more realistic fears, harder to quell. do these things just shuffle around eternally? is it a game of whack a mole, and one mole has gone down, and another has popped up?

also, i've been feeling like a ticking time bomb. i can see that i'm feeling so much better than i was a few months ago. but it was a very hard few months. i still lived my life, i tried not to let it impact me too much, but it was very intense and uncomfortable to go through the feelings and experiences i was going through on a daily basis. and i felt persistently like i was on thin ice and close to breaking. perpetually on the edge. and i don't know where it came from, and i don't know why it happened, and i don't know if/when/how it will happen again. is it medical/physical? can i control it? can i prevent it? i can look back and feel comforted somewhat that even at the worst of how i was feeling, i still lived my life, i still went out, i didn't harm my relationships, i set realistic boundaries with work that were ultimately positive in the long term (i think), and i got through it. but it really fucking sucked. i still, at moments, get the feeling like im hanging on by a thread, and that something could happen that would just completely throw me into confusion and depression and despair.

just a few months ago, my intrusive thoughts about violence and self harm were constant, overbearing, and so frightening. now that i have started talking to a psychologist and am making a plan to address them, they barely bother me. days went by that i would just lay in bed wanting to cry, so overwhelmed by the noise in my head, playing through the most horrible things i could imagine on repeat. it impacted work, it impacted my physical health, my routines, my confidence, my sense of self. and though i could find happiness and distraction in spending time with friends, my boyfriend, playing games, etc, i carried a heavy weight with me through all of it. something i could almost physically feel in my brain, a looming sense of doom and despair and negativity, always feeling on the edge of panic. can i really just have caused all that by being too aware/scrutinizing about my thoughts?

i can try to focus on the positive, and there is a lot of positive. through these experiences, i protect what is important to me, i maintain my values, and i still experience happiness. but i also want to acknowledge that - for no identifiable reason - i can go months of feeling SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE in my own skin and my own mind. typically, i feel very comfortable alone. i am a comfort to myself, i have peaceful time alone, i enjoy my own company, i enjoy my own ruminations with myself. but it feels like that can suddenly/unexpectedly change, and i don't know why. i can feel unrecognizable to myself, struggle with things that used to be easy, famililar, comfortable. and get this unshakeable feeling of precariousness. am i just addressing it wrong? am i addressing it in a counterproductive/obsessive way?

#intrusive thoughts #obsessive compulsive disorder #mental illness

0 notes

bravevolunteer · 5 months

Note

hiiiii ash i just wanna say while i havent been around to write much i still value you as a friend and think u are literally so cool. i probably spend far much more time thinking about our jeremike than i should im. unwell over them actually. just wanted to let you know that you are loved and appreciated and that i am SO upset that the end of this year has turned out this way for me because we have so many good threads and i think theyre all in my drafts and i want to get to them but . brain scrampled egg. 👍 heres 2 more jeremike ( + other folks ) in 2024 i wish you the best of times in the new year

2023 is almost over

GRABBING YOU. HOLDING YOUR HAND. it is OKAY do not worry about activity with me at all— this is so !!! thank you so so much <33 let it be known that i am Also unwell over our jeremike and obsessed with every thread/ask we've got and you are so so sweet and cool as well! and once again Look At Me. I Let My Threads Sit For Months. I Have Asks From July I Want To Answer. you can reply to ANYTHING from me at any time and i will be so happy to keep going with it DSFJHJDF also i'm always down to just spin around muses + plots in dms! i hope you have a great new year !!

#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc #nineliabilityrisk #⁂ ･ﾟ: i feel more free than i have in years‚ six feet in the ground ➛ answered #saved

1 note · View note

polyamoroamer · 3 years

Text

New Horizons

Dash and I have separated, probably far too late in all honesty, but we have done it. He moved out about six weeks ago and we spent the intervening time in complete radio silence, as agreed. We met up again this week on our anniversary and that was all kinds of emotional and difficult. We spent ten hours together, laughed a lot and somehow I still came away miserable.

I feel sad because I love him and want to kiss him, and cannot even go within 2 metres of him due to COVID. I feel grateful to have that excuse. I feel relieved to not have to be the one dealing with his dishonesty and immaturity anymore. I feel confused and hurt and trapped and free and just downright weird.

Here is the first photo of me ever on this blog: look! It's my face! Wearing my own wares! Though this one isn't mine anymore, it's been got.

I have recently been throwing myself wholeheartedly into taking my businesses online. I made handfuls of beautiful fairytale hoods to sell on my etsy (Sprite Threads: https://etsy.me/36HQOtM ), I have opened a stall at a local flea market with my sister, and I have been recording and uploading weeknightly Bedtime Stories to the Lucid Tales YouTube channel to ease everyone's COVID lockdown blues and SAD. If you're struggling to sleep, check it out - I've got stories from all over, with more to come.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf3zhIdOR-CVtx1vqFKsEcA

I even wrote some of them myself, as a part of my next exciting news: I released a book of short stories!

The collection comprises 10 short stories ranging from fantasy to horror to drug exploration to comedy. I even wrote a reasonable blurb:

If you like the cover art check out Rosie Josie Baker/Rosie Josie Bee on Instagram/Facebook!

And if you want a copy of the ebook message me on here and I'll send you one 😊 it's £2.99 normally but as I've been so unreliable on this daily blogging thing I figure y'all deserve SOMETHING to read. If you want a paperback I can post them but those unfortunately do require monetary exchange. They're available on the Lucid Tales Gumroad at https://gumroad.com/lucidtales :)

Anyway I didn't make this post to sell stuff to y'all, I'm just excited and want to share what I've been up to. And I wanted to share a selfie anyway (even if I don't quite look like that anymore now I've shaved my head).

In other news I have become obsessed with silk as a fabric and have been lurking endlessly on ebay auctions for cheap secondhand nightwear, but that's less shareable 😂. I have also just started on a counselling course to start my training as a future polyamory and lgtbq+ focused sex and relationships therapist (hopefully)! And I'm going for autism diagnosis! In two years! That's how long the waiting list is from referral to diagnosis! Go UK! All autism support funding ceases in 2023! What little there already is! Go UK!

It's been a busy time, and a lonely one, as I'm sure it has been for many of you.

What have you done recently that you're happy about?

5 notes · View notes