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franzizka · 5 months

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so @candidateofloyalty recently linked the aa wlw minibang server to a bunch of blogs from janet hsu, who is the localization director for every ace attorney game and also the voice of franziska. in them she reveals a LOT about the choices that the team made in terms of localizing the games and there was this message in particular about jean armstrong that stuck out to me because i know his treatment is a thorn in aa3 for a lot of people.

– Jean Armstrong is not actually French in either the Japanese or English versions, which is why Trés Bien is spelled wrong in the English version and he speaks atrociously bad French. – Speaking of Monsieur Armstrong, I’d just like to clear up some misconceptions and localization issues surrounding his gender and sexuality. Before I begin though, please keep in mind that societal attitudes and definitions change over time, and that the original Japanese version was made over 10 years ago. Furthermore, Japanese concepts of gender and sexuality do NOT map 1 to 1 onto Western ideas due to vastly different religious, cultural, and historical influences. In the Japanese version, Jean is a typical “okama” character. At the time, the word “okama” was the generally used catchall word for an “effeminate-acting man”, and had been the go-to word since the Edo period. While that usually implied that the man in question was gay, the word was also used for any biologically male person who did drag or spoke like a woman regardless of their gender or sexuality, and even trans women. Nowadays, similar to the way the word “q u eer” is used in the West (but not entirely the same), “okama” is considered derogatory and discriminatory, though some people will still call themselves “okama”. Since adopting the English word “gay”, it has become more culturally acceptable to refer to actual gay men as “gei” (ゲイ) or the more formal word “douseiaisha” (同性愛者 – literally: “person who loves the same sex”). Given all of this, what that meant for the localized version was that I had to take a very vague and different concept of “gay” and localize it in a way that would be understandable to a Western audience. Using all of the info we get about Jean in the game, the answer I came up with was that he is a gay, cis man who enjoys performing non-passing drag… Or to put it in a more concrete way, think Conchita Wurst. Jean’s drag persona, which I have dubbed “Campy French Maiden Jean”, is all we ever see during the investigation segments, but in court, he identifies himself as a man to the judge when he is asked what gender he is. Unfortunately, back in 2007, the general public’s understanding of gender and sexuality was not as informed or as nuanced as it is today, so I think Jean still caused a lot of confusion in the English version, but I hope this has cleared it up somewhat. In terms of how the characters reference Jean, I admit it would’ve been better if they used female pronouns out of respect for his drag persona once they realized it was a persona, but in addition to the fact that I can’t add any extra text boxes to the game, I felt it would’ve been too controversial and hard to explain in-game back then. Furthermore, because he and his persona are not given separate names, it becomes very confusing very quickly as to when the characters are talking about “Campy French Maiden Jean” and when they’re talking about the man/legal witness “Mr. Jean Armstrong”. That said, I feel that society is making progress — to the point where things like calling people by their preferred gender pronoun is slowly becoming the socially correct thing to do — so I hope that someday I won’t need to provide an in-game explanation. As a side note, given what type of character he is, you can see how he ties into the overall theme of the game, which is “not everything is always what it seems on the surface”.

here's the blog post if anyone is interested in reading more

#these blogs are so interesting i'm gonna be posting a lot from them #ace attorney #aa3 #ace attorney trials and tribulations #gyakuten saiban #localization #also im so glad they didn't leave luke atmey's catchphrase as SCHWING bc wtf #.txt

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britnxyspears · 2 years

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No offense to everyone who is going to deliberately take this in bad faith but if you took swerfs as 'serious' as you take the terfs and if you took radfems as 'serious' as you take the terfs we wouldn't be this regressed at all.

Serious is in quotes because saying "yeah fuck terfs" about everything and anything related to trans living has done almost nothing but at least spread word of what they are.

Radfems swerfs and terfs are not the same thing, though many people do buy the three-pack. Even 'trans inclusive' radfems are bigots, and swerfs are arguably the worst of them all, tend to be the most privileged horse blinded people on this Earth, and have a LOT more power than general radfems or trans exclusionary radfems because the disgust of sex workers has much more traditional footing than quite honestly anything else in the world. Almost all cultures demonize sex workers or at the very least see them as the most disposable class. There's a reason why trans and gay and bi people were, up until pride was doused in hand sanitizer, all seen as sex workers. Everyone let swerfs convince them that it was more derogatory to be conceived of as a sw than for sex workers to be bearing the brunt of all if society's bigotry.

That's ine of the most simple reasons why we are where we are now.

#also these people predate 3rd wave and second wave feminism.

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baeddel · 3 years

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Please. Please can you tell me what a baeddel is and why people (terfs?) used it in a derogatory manner on this website for a hot minute but now no one ever uses it at all

you asked for it, fucker

[2k words; philology and drama]

baeddel is an Old English word. i have no idea where it actually occurs in the Old English written corpus, but it occurs in a few placenames. its diminuitive form, baedling, is much better documented. it appears in the (untranslated) Canons of Theodore, a penitential handbook, a sort of guidebook for priests offering advice on what penances should be recommended for which sins. in a passage devoted to sexual transgressions it gives the penances suggested for a man who sleeps with a woman, a man who sleeps with another man, and then a man who sleeps with a baedling. so you have this construction of a baedling as something other than a man or a woman. and then it gives the penance for a baedling who sleeps with another baedling (a ludicrous one-year fast). then, by way of an explaination, Theodore delivers us one of the most enigmatic phrases in the Old English corpus: "for she is soft, like an adulturess."

the -ling suffix in baedling is masculine. but Theodore uses feminine pronouns and suffixes to describe baedlings. as we said, it's also used separately from male and female. but it's also used separately from their words for intersex and it never appears in this context. all of this means that you have this word that denotes a subject who is, as Christopher Monk put it, "of problematic gender." interested historians have typically interpreted it as referring to some category of homosexual male, such as Wayne R. Dines in his two-volume Encyclopedia of Homosexuality who discusses it in the context of an Old English glossary which works a bit like an Old English-Latin dictionary, giving Old English words and their Latin counterparts. the Latin words the Anglo-Saxon lexicographer chose to correspond with baedling were effeminatus and mollis, and Lang concludes that it refers to an "effeminate homosexual" (pg 60, Anglo Saxon). this same glossary gives as an Old English synonym the word waepenwifstere which literally means "woman with a penis," and which Dines gives the approximate translation (hold on tight) male wife.

R. D. Fulk, a philologist and medievalist, made a separate analysis of the term in his study on the Canons of Theodore 'Male Homoeroticism in the Old English Canons of Theodore', collected in Sex and Sexuality in Medieval England, 2004. he analysed it as a 'sexual category' (sexual as in sexuality), owing to the context of sexual transgressions in the Canons. he decides that it refers to a man who bottoms in sexual relationships with another man. i don't have the article on hand so i'm not sure what his reasoning was, but this seems obviously inadequate given what we know from the glossary described by Dines. Latin has a word for bottom, pathica, and the lexicographer did not use this in their translation, preferring words that emphasized the baedling's femininity like effeminatus, and doesn't address the sexual context at all. Dines, however, only reading this glossary, seems to decide that it refers to a type of male homosexual too hastily, considering the Canons explicitly treat them separately. both Dines and Fulk immediately reduce the baedling to a subcategory of homosexual when neither of the sources to hand actually do so themselves.

by now it should be obvious why, seven or so years ago, we interpreted it as an equivalent to trans woman. I mean come on - a woman with a penis! these days I tend to add a bit of a caution to this understanding, which is that trans woman is the translation of baedling which seems most adequate to us, just as baedling was the translation of effeminatus that seemed most adequate to our lexicographer. but the term cannot translate perfectly; its sense was derived from some minimal context; a legal context, a doctrinal context, and so forth... the way Anglo-Saxons understood sex/gender is complicated but it has been argued that they had a 'one sex model' and didn't regard men and women as biologically separate types, which is obviously quite different from the sexual model accepted today; in any case they didn't have access to the karyotype and so on. the basic categories they used to understand gender and sexuality were different from ours. in particular, Hirschfield et al. should be understood as a particularly revolutionary moment in the genealogy of transsexuality; the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft essentially invented the concept of the 'sex change', the 'transition', conceived as a biological passage from one sex to the other. even in other contexts where (forgive me) #girlslikeus changed their bodies in some way, like the castration of the priestesses of Cybele, or those belonging to the various historical societies which we believe used premarin for feminization [disputed; see this post], there is no record that they were ever considered men at any stage or had some kind of male biology that preceded their 'gender identity.' the concept of the trans woman requires the minimal context of the coercive assignment at birth and its subsequent (civil and bio-technological) rejection. i have never encountered evidence that this has ever been true in any previous society. nonetheless, these societies still had gendered relations, and essentially wherever we find these gendered relations we also find some subject which is omitted or for whom it has been necessary to note exceptions. what is of chief interest to us is not so much that there was such a subject here or there in history (and whatever propagandistic uses this fact might have), but understanding why these regularities exist.

a very parsimonious explanation is that gender is a biological reality, and there is some particular biological subject which a whole host of words have been conjured to denote. if this were the case then we would expect that, no matter what gender/sexual system we encounter in a given society, it will inevitably find some linguistic expression. if, like me, you find this idea revolting, then you should busy yourself trying to come up with an alternative explanation which is not just plausible, but more plausible. my best guesses are outside the scope of this answer...

anyway, all of this must be very interesting to the five or six people invested in the confluence of philology and gender studies. but why on earth did it become so widely used, in so many strange and unusual contexts, in the 2010s? we're very sorry, but yes, it's our fault. you see apart from all of this, there is also a little piece of information which goes along with the word baeddel, which is that it's the root of the Modern English word bad. by way of, no less, the word baedan, 'to defile'. how this defiled historical subject came to bear responsibility for everything bad to English-speakers doesn't seem to be known from linguistic evidence. however, it makes for a very pithy little remark on transmisogyny. my dear friend [REDACTED] made a playful little post making this point and, good Lord, had we only known...

it went like this. its such a funny little idea that we all start changing our urls to include the word baeddel. in those days it was common to make puns with your url (we always did halloween and christmas ones); i was baeddelaire, a play on the French poet Baudelaire. while we all still had these urls a series of events which everyone would like to forget happened, and we became Enemies of Everyone in the Whole World. because of the url thing people started to call us "the baeddels." then there was "a cult" called "the baeddels" and so forth. this cult had various infamies attatched to it and a constellation of indefensible political positions. ultimately we faced a metric fucking shit ton of harassment, including, for some of my friends, really serious and bad irl harassment that had long-term bad awful consequences relating to stable housing and physical safety and i basically never want to talk about that part of my life ever again. and i never have to, because i've come to realize that for most people, when they use the word baeddel, they don't know about that stuff. it doesn't mean that anymore.

so what does it mean? you'll see it in a few contexts. TERFs do use it, as you guessed. i am not quite sure what they really mean by it and how it differs from other TERF barbs. i think being a baeddel invovles being politically active or at least having a political consciousness, but in a way thats distinct from just any 'TRA' or trans activist. so perhaps 'militant' trans women, but perhaps also just any trans woman with any opinions at all. how this was transmitted from tumblr/west coast tranny drama to TERF vocabulary i have no idea. but you will also find - or, could have found a few years ago - i would say 'copycat' groups who didn't know us or what we believed but heard the rumours, and established their own (generously) organizations (usually facebook groups) dedicated to putting those principles into practice. they considered themselves trans lesbian separatists and did things like doxx and harass trans women who dated cafabs. if you don't know about this, yes, there really were such groups. they mostly collapsed and disappeared because they were evildoers who based their ideology on a caricature. i knew a black trans woman who was treated very badly by one of these groups, for predictable reasons. so long-time readers: if you see people talking about their bad experiences with 'baeddels', you can't necessarily relate it to the 2014 context and assume they're carrying around old baggage. there are other dreams in the nightmare.

the most common way you'll see it today, in my experience, is in this form: people will say that it was a "slur" for trans women. they might bring up that it's the root of the word bad, and they might even think that you shouldn't use the word bad because of it, or that you shouldn't use the word baeddel because it's a slur. all of this is a silly game of internet telephone and not worth addressing. except to say that it's by no means clear that baeddel, or baedling, were slurs, or even insulting at all. while Theodore doesn't provide us with a description of how we can have sex with a baedling without sinning, and it may be the case that any sexual relations with a baedling was considered sinful, sexuality-based transgressions were not taken all that seriously in those days. there was a period where homosexuality within the Church was almost sanctioned, and it wasn't until much later that homosexuality became so harshly proscribed, to the extent that it was thought to represent a threat to society, etc. and as i mentioned, there are places in England named after baedlings. there is a little parish near Kent which is called Badlesmere, Baeddel's Lake, which was recorded in the Anglo-Saxon Domesday Book (as having a lord, a handful of villagers and a few slaves; perhaps only one or two households). it's not unheard of, but i just don't know very many places called Faggot Town or some such. it's possible that baedlings had some role in Anglo-Saxon society which we are not aware of; it could even have been a prestigious one, as it was in other societies. there is just no evidence other than a couple of passing references in the literature and we'll probably never have a complete picture.

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miraculouslumination · 2 years

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Friendly reminder that if you claim to support and/or love trans people, but then go out of your way to target, harass, bully, and maybe even threaten transmascs and only transmascs? You don't supprt trans people. Full stop.

Lumping us (transmascs) together in your "UGH men (derogatory) #KAM" bullshit isn't as gender affirming as it is. Painting us as gender traitors and gross ugly men is not where it is. Same goes for telling us that testosterone poisons us, that we are killing lesbians for being transmasc, and anything else like that. Claiming we ALL have indisputable male privilege, no matter where we have reached in our transitions, or we haven't, don't even WANT to or CAN'T, and thus saying we are oppressors like cis men or could even hold a candle to the power cis men hold isn't being supportive. If your support begins and ends with constantly sexually talking about our bodies and NOTHING else, that isn't cool (seriously, what the fuck are you going to say to a 15 year old transmasc with this bullcrap """"support""""??). If you actively oppress and silence and discredit the voices and LIVED EXPERIENCES of transmascs for whatever reason, but mostly on the basis of us being men, you aren't a supporter/ally.

If you do everything in your power to silence and erase transmascs from the community, you cannot call yourself a trans ally. Because you aren't. You're just a transphobe who is picking on the most "appropriate" target in the trans and broader rainbow community because you KNOW you can get away with treating transmascs like shit. You KNOW if you pulled this shit with any other trans group, you'd be (rightfully) crucified on the spot. The fact so many people have gotten away with treating transmascs like shit for so long, ESPECIALLY under the guise of "protecting womanhood" or whatever bullshit excuse you have, is sickening.

You either support all of us, or none of us.

#Jean rants #Literally before anyone even TRIES #NO this is not to take away from the transmisogyny transfems face #This is to point out how transmascs have just gotten the scraps of trans allyship for a WHILE now #And I'm honestly tired of it #Transphobia #Transandromisia #Transandrophobia #Virilmisia

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grittyreadsfic · 3 years

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very curious about the new brand of homophobia but also totally respect you not wanting to elaborate?

time is a circle and everything always comes back to people reinventing the wheel except this time the wheel is just homophobia

and you might be asking yourself: grits, we're largely here reading and writing queer stories, how could that be homophobic?

well!

it's not every fic, and it's not every ship, and it's not every writer. you might read what i'm saying and recognize an action you've done and maybe that means what i'm saying applies to you, or maybe it doesn't. this is the internet and it's full of nuance and this isn't a clear cut thing about someone just straight up using a slur (though hrpf did make me read the r slur with no ableism warnings in the last year, so honestly i wouldn't be surprised)

anyway: there's a trend i've noticed, in writing and just in how the community treats the player overall, that if a player displays any "feminine" trait-being on the smaller side, dressing in a nicer outfit, doing more than just basic hygiene, basically anything that distinguishes them from the stereotype of your basic bro-they take that player and make them a bottom. they turn it into an identity that is basically their whole identity and reduce the character to just that one trait.

and you know, there's a time and place. i've said it once and i'll say it again: if something exists, there's porn for it. if it's just porn? whatever, tag it appropriately, do what you gotta, i'm not here to kinkshame anyone. you wanna write force fem porn? sick, go for it

however, when it goes past that-when it's not just porn but it shapes how characters are written, how it influence the perspective on the players-or because this isn't unique to hockey fic, the characters in general-that's where my issue lies

because it's reducing queer identities down to a stereotype. this is inherently homophobic. it's worse than that, actually, because of the issues that arise with that stereotype too when you look at it through an intersectional lens, but that's a whole other can of worms that is for another post.

right, so, this stereotype: the "feminine" guy is a bottom (and like, not to be crude, but i'd argue that for some characters it reduces them further to simply a hole) and it turns the ship into a caricature of queer representation that reminds me way too much of the really limited mlm ships we saw in media ten, fifteen years ago-it feels like someone's about to ask who's the man in the relationship, and who's the woman. and sure, plenty of queer people have preferences about topping and bottoming, and i'm sure for some people it is a part of their personality, but like. i'm seeing characterizations of players getting reduced down to that and nothing else and it just makes me tired.

this becomes a problem when it's widespread. when it shapes entire views of characters or players or, fuck, carries over to how you view the real live gay people in your life.

anyway i was told i should give actual examples of what i mean so here are some of those:

-every smaller usndtp kid is automatically written as a slutty, bratty bottom, generally because of the kind of derogatory side of the stereotypes around twinks. these ones gets reduced to just a hole pretty quick, and like, again, if you're just writing porn, sure, go for it, but it's starting to become to full personality that people are giving them

-i've actually stopped reading tknp fic that isn't by authors i trust or is a fic i've read and liked previously because hrpf people took all the trans people projecting their gender onto summer nolan and essentially force femmed his character both like. in sex and outside of it? i don't know how else to describe it except i kept reading it and it just felt homophobic. it felt reductive and insulting, honestly

-some of you are here just to fetishize mlm and that's really not my business but you might want to unpack that idk

anyway the tldr of it all is that y'all turned top and bottom into secondary genders and there's a lot homophobia (and honestly, some transphobic implications as well lmao) because of it

#i will simply not be elaborating on the transphobia in this fandom though because i simply do not have the time or the energy to try #s/o to the discord for reading this over and making sure i was coherent

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anotherbluesunday · 3 years

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Honestly anyone—any TERF, radfem, GC—that tries to defend their stance by saying “we want to abolish gender too!” And then turns around and says that even with gender being abolished trans folx have to keep the bodies they hate is a fucking lunatic. There is literal science—unbiased scientific research!!—that supports trangenderism and our community! You’re just so busy being pissed off at everything that doesn’t fall into your purview of reality that you can’t be bothered to actually listen to others outside of your own bubble and read the scholastic journals and academic research supporting trans people.

Each and every one of you have become the very thing feminism set out to destroy. You have become the oppressors. You have become the hateful ones. You have become the bigots. You can’t even decide on what the fuck feminism is!! You guys talk about men shutting the fuck up and letting women wear their makeup and hair and clothes however they want and yet you all tear each other apart from the inside of your own clique! It’s fucking abhorant and shameful.

And y’all are gonna come at me and say that I don’t know anything. LoL. Jokes on you because I was once one of you. I was a raging radfem and lived 15 years of my life saying fuck men, fuck the patriarchy, women can fucking run the world, all men are trash, and so on an so forth. I spent years trying to love and accept my body and empower myself but fucking guess what?! I’m still fucking trans!

It took me a long time to get here because I was balls deep in toxic socitial ideals and told myself “welp, this is my lot in life so I might as well make do.” And I’m sooooo fucking tired of you terfs, radfems, and gc’s spouting off crap about something you don’t even know about. You just demonize us because you can’t stand something without a fucking label and you can’t stand being wrong. There’s a difference between protecting women and discrimination. There’s a difference between free speech and hate speech and y’all are discriminatory and hateful bigots.

You think every trans person is some rapist trying to harm women when in reality the vast majority of us aren’t. And in your attempt to protect “biological females” you discriminate against those who do not meet your standard of what women look like. What about every Black female athlete that has been harassed and humiliated because she was “too masculine to be a woman”? Or how about that recent case where a woman athlete had to expose her breasts to prove she was a woman so that she could participate in her sport? It isn’t just men doing this to women; it’s women doing it to women. You can deny this until the cows come home but I was once a part of your community and I know the derogatory shit y’all say.

To say you’re saving lives by abolishing gender but denying transitional surgery is the most elitist egocentric manical thing I have ever heard. You are not medical professionals and you don’t even bother with hearing out trans folx. You literally know nothing and yet you have this self-serving whote knight complex and think you’re going to “save” us trans folx? Ha!! Get off your high horse because you’ll suffocate from the lack of air up there in the lofty heights of your collective delusion. You aren’t saving anyone. And by denying transgender people surgery you are only causing more deaths. Hope you can sleep well with all that blood splatter on your hands. Damn hypocrites.

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futures-tense · 3 years

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Season 3 has so much potential if the writers don’t fumble it and give us the Owen (derogatory) Show again for the third time around. But also if they lay off of trying to kill and emotionally torture every character in every episode like in season 2. I know it’s a drama show but seriously every episode or every other episode, someone died, almost died, had an emotional breakdown or something else. I hope s3 has a better pace in terms of the storylines and it’s not just an angst/tragedy factory. And also maybe they can act like they remember they wrote this show as an ensemble show and actually act like they care to develop the other characters like they try and fail to do with Owen lol. I want more backstory and storylines on TK’s addiction and maybe a flashback or something. I also want more on Judd’s PTSD and therapy because the writers literally act like they forgot about that and it annoys the crap out of me. I want storylines for Paul that don’t revolve around him being trans because obviously there’s nothing wrong with that I love him so much but he’s more than that- he’s a full blown person who deserves other storylines outside of that. Maybe we see him on a call because he sees someone from his past, or we see him use his observation skills to help Carlos with something involving police. And Marjan idk I want more for her, too. I am curious to see more of her backstory too just in general, maybe we see a different side of her in s3 than we normally see of her badass, loving the thrill of saving people type of attitude. Maybe something happens that makes her pull back, reevaluate herself and just everything. And Carlos I want more - him responding to calls, struggling with guilt if he couldn’t save or help someone, etc. And lastly I want more for Mateo, too. We see very little of him and we know very little about him so I’ll take anything aside from the ditsy probie storylines they often give us. And I don’t even wanna see Owen’s face onscreen unless the writers at least TRY to give him a personality outside of being a control freak terrible father

YES YES YES YES!!! OH my god okay so

First: I just,,,, I need a break. Like 911 they have episodes like Jinx and Treasure Hunt and (my darling) Future Tense. And like the action and stuff is fun but they won’t be able to keep going like this for long because the audience is going to get bored. You can only threaten the lives of the characters so much before it gets redundant (cough TK cough)

Second: Ya’ll already know I’m going to agree with less Owen no hesitation

Third: I so want to see story lines from all the characters and they don’t even have to be angst or anything! It can just be a whole episode of various 126 hangs and game nights and I’d go feral over it. We need to be able to see ALL the characters in a happy, stable place before we can really sympathize with them.

Fourth: About the Marjan storyline. They could pick up where they left off a few episodes ago!! Maybe they’re out on a call and Acting Captain Judd (I love him im sorry) like “Marwani, harness up” and she kinda does a “hmmm why don’t I let probie take this one?” And they all kinda give her like ‘u good babe?’ They wouldn’t have to bring in a whole new angsty plot, they already have one and they completely abandoned it. But because we haven’t really seen them on a call since then- and because the firehouse is a lil... ya know- it would actually kinda work and make sense.

Fifth: yeah there’s more. I honestly just want more Carlos in his element. Like I want to see him at work, I want to know who he rides with, I want to know if he hates paper work or not, I want to know more about Carlos than who he is outside of work.

Last but Not Least: Mateo my BABE, they gave us a little tiny baby snippet in season 1 about him being scared about not know what he’d do if he failed the test again. But does he have siblings? How did he meet his old roommates? just give me more Mateo.

#ink answers #wow that was a lot im so sorry #anon #s3 hopes and dreams #911 lone star #owen strand (derogatory)#tk strand #carlos reyes #paul strickland #judd ryder #mateo chavez #marjan marwani

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sidecarghost · 3 years

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Spn Pride Week - Day 3 Trans

AU human!Cas is human and no supernatural. Trans man Dean talks to Cas about how his mom and dad failed at supporting him when he was four years old. Cw: transphobia (no derogatory terms just John is an ass and Mary rather keep their home life calm so she enables his bigotry and fails to be supportive of Dean)

"Dean?" Cas’s voice interrupts Dean’s reverie.

"Mmhmmm," Dean's face is nuzzled between Cas's shoulders, so making intelligent words isn't easy.

"Would you be comfortable about telling me when you found out you were a man?" Cas asks in his deep, soft voice.

Dean sighs. He wants to tell Cas everything, but some stories are just so sad. Dean isn't sure that he can share those stories and still be himself afterwards. He'd like those stories to float down a river and sink into the ocean, where no one can ever find them again. Including Dean. Especially Dean.

"I don't want to pry Dean, but if you are alright sharing that with me, then I would like to hear it and know you better," Cas's voice is gentle like a breeze, and Dean wants to roll himself up in it. The voice would shield him from anything that was attempting to impale and destroy him.

Dean is glad that his face is nuzzled into Cas's back. Maybe he can share this story as well supported as he is. He has the man he loves wrapped in his arms, and he gets to nuzzle into him like a pillow. Everything seems safe, warm, and otherworldly, if Dean was going to tell Cas unsettling things that give him nightmares then this would be the right place and right time to do it. If only he wasn't always so scared. If only he wasn't so broken.

"Always," Dean whispers into the neck of the man he loves. "I always knew, ever since my first memory." Dean exhales and inhales. Dean closes his eyes and tries to squeeze out the pictures of the past that spring up in his mind. He tries to bury the contempt of his father's face. He seeks out a gentler memory instead. Dean brings to mind one of the last conversations he ever had with his mother. "My mom knew I was a boy, and after she died it would be ten years before anyone else knew again.

***

"It came up, back when I was four years old and Sammy was still a baby. Everyone kept congratulating my mom and dad over the birth of baby Sammy, they told my parents that Sam would grow up to be a strong, handsome man. And I didn't understand. I wondered how could these strangers possibly know that Sam would grow into a strong, handsome man? Couldn't he just as easily grow into a strong, handsome woman? I asked my father why everyone thought Sam was a boy, and he told me that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Then he laughed and said something like 'out of the mouths of babes' and ruffled my hair. I didn't understand how my dad could be so sure, but I also didn't want to ask my dad to explain, because he didn't like lengthy explanations. He had taught me that lies take a lot of words to explain, and the truth is always simple, and when I asked him to explain what he meant he struck me. Because I was guilty of talking back and giving him lip. So I knew better than to ask my dad to elaborate.

"Instead, I sought my mom out to see if she could help me understand, and I remember I was so sad that it took a lot of will power to bite back crying. I knew I shouldn't be sad, because my dad explained to me that being sad is the same thing as being lazy. If you have enough energy to cry you should have enough energy to fix whatever mess made you feel bad in the first place.

"So I put on my brave face, and I asked my mother why I had to be a girl. My mom had been rocking baby Sammy, but she looked right into my eyes with all her attention focused on me. Like my question was important and serious, and not a joke like I worried it might be from my dad's reaction. She told me that was nonsense, and that no one ever had to be a girl. My mom told me about her own mother Deanna that had been born as Dean, then learned she was a girl and changed her name. Then Deanna married Samuel, and he had been born with the name Samantha, until he let everyone know he was a boy and changed his name. My mom told me no one can look at you and know if you are a man or a woman, only you know for yourself.

"Cas, I don't know if I can ever properly explain how wonderful that story was to me. I had been ready to bawl my eyes out that I had been born wrong, but my mom told me that wasn't true at all. My dad was the one that was wrong, because everyone knew that Deanna was grandma and Samuel was grandpa. There was never any doubt. I was so happy. Maybe that was the last time I was ever truly happy. I imagined myself telling my dad that he made a mistake explaining things to me. In my head, my dad would laugh over how silly his mistake had been, and then he would ruffle my hair and tell me that he was sorry about that. He'd pull me into a hug and say he was so proud to have two sons. I would return the hug as big as I could, and then tell him we should probably wait until Sam can talk to make sure we don't make another mistake." Dean wishes that was the end of the story. The images of a lifetime ago of a happy homelife that he imagined in his head could have been reality. It all seemed so possible back then.

"Your mother sounds like a very caring person, Dean," Cas says softly.

"She was caring, but things between us were never the same again. I think she cared a little too much about keeping things peaceful and avoiding conflict. Sometimes you need to fight for something you love," Dean says wistfully. "Anyway, before I ran off to tell my dad his error, I asked my mom why dad didn't know that. Why did dad think you can look at someone and assume they are a boy or girl without ever asking them?

"My mom got really still at that question, and she looked so sad like her spirit had been dragged away and she'd never be able to reach it again. When she answered my question her voice was distant and cold, like she was just saying the words but they had no meaning. My mom told me that sometimes people fear things that aren't the same as them, and this fear leads them to hate things. She told me it was like a disease that would eat at people's thoughts and turn them the wrong way. People with that disease would judge others without ever even meeting or knowing them.

"My mom told me that John wasn't a bad man. John was just suffering from a bad disease. Sometimes the disease is incurable, because it takes a very strong will to admit when you are wrong and that you've done wrong to others. My mom told me I must never let my father find out I'm not a girl, because as long as that disease clouds his thoughts he will hate me. She told me that she would pray for John to be cured of his hatred, but in the meantime I would need to conceal who I was and act like I'm a girl. I told my mom I was afraid of my dad hating me, and my mom told me that I could pray to the angels that watched over us if I needed protection. I had never seen angels, but my mom had faith in them. I kind of understood faith meant you believe something without proof. So I told my mom that I would pray for their protection, and I would pray to them to help dad get better, too.

"I didn't tell my mom, but I also prayed that Sam would never catch John's hatred disease, because I loved my little brother so much. I didn't want Sam to hate me.

“The prayers my mom made weren't answered before her death. There was a fire in our house, and my mom didn't make it out alive. Sam was still a little baby, and I held him close and carried him to safety. My dad tried to save my mom, but he couldn't reach her. He told me that the fire was supernatural, because of the downfall of society. He told me that monsters were being sent to punish everyone, even the innocent people like our mother, because bad people failed to obey God and his plan for how we should live. I didn't care about God, his plan, or his monsters. I just missed my mother, and I wanted to weep because I'd never get to hear her voice or see her smile again. But I knew my dad would strike me if he saw me crying, because I should be fighting the monsters that did this and not be indulging myself in sadness.”

"Dean, you know your dad didn't have a disease right?" Cas asks. "He chose to be a bigot. Calling it a disease is just a way to keep him innocent of blame, but every hateful thing he ever did to your mom, Sam, and you was his choice. There was no disease or monster to blame."

"Yeah, it took me too long, but I eventually figured that out, too," Dean replies.

//this excerpt is from ongoing story on ao3 see tags for link

#spnprideweek #transgender pride #trans man Dean Winchester #destiel fic

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the-queer-look · 3 years

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Queer Uber Fund

Name: Gloria Demillo Age: 25 Location: Melbourne Occupation: Digital Copywriter/Poet Sexual Orientation: Pansexual Gender: Non-Binary

I used to really care about how I presented, especially in the workplace because I work in both a corporate environment, and in art spaces, people expect you to look a certain way if your gender is a certain way. Sometimes I think people expect me to be more masc, which I find strange in art spaces, I said I was Non-Binary, not that I was masc y’know? People will send me audition callouts for acting with “identifies as trans-masc” on them which is always weird. Honestly I just wear what I feel comfortable in, or for the weather, which is a statement in and of itself. Before I realised I was non-binary it was very performative – I really did dress for other people, or how they perceive me, or how I want them to perceive me. But now I just don’t care, as long as they perceive me as hot.

I’ve always had a feeling about not being straight, but I’ve never had the language for it because I grew up in a very conservative christian church. It was like “gay is bad” but all of the language around it was centred on men, with nothing to say about women being with women, or both. Like… what’s the grey area there? I was raised and socialised as a woman so… was this only a male centric sin? I started to have a language for it at uni, which helped because I found ways to discuss something I’d always felt, but didn’t know how to explain. When I look back at my childhood and how I expressed myself it just… makes sense. I had this favourite shirt, just a really dark shirt with a lion on it, and I’d always wear it with these little pink shoes with pom poms on it, and that aesthetic of really daggy clothes with really nice shoes is really the modern queer aesthetic.

It was mid 2019 when I realised I was non-binary and then I came out in October of that year, but there was such a long process. I was thinking about gender in uni, and then when I was experimenting more with how I presented myself and letting go of a lot of the ways in which I was socialised to behave. Being socialised as a woman was really violent for me – I don’t know how else to describe it – I had a lot of expectations put on me about my body, and how I should act, and how I should be in relationships, and when I was dealing with all of that gender stuff, it was very freeing to no longer have to live up to this arbitrary standard that was forced upon me. It was also much easier for me to talk about it because I was surrounded by so many lovely trans and non-binary friends, but of course talking to my cis friends about it was very… ugh...

I think when I found the language for my sexuality not much changed in the way I presented myself, it wasn’t until I found the language to express my gender as non-binary that there was a change in the way I thought about myself and how I was being perceived my relationship with my body. I really felt it, It was such a different transformation, I was so genuinely happier in my body, and stopped caring about how other people perceived me, and whether or not my presentation made sense to other people. I’ve stopped wearing clothes that are really tight. I don’t know why, but everything I had before coming out about being non-binary was very tight, very fitted, and now everything is very loose and flowy. It isn’t that I don’t like my body, I love my body, but now mostly what I wear is loose and billowy and doesn’t hug me so tightly.

To me the term Queer encompasses a description of my gender and sexuality that isn’t just one thing because its such a broad label. The way it was introduced to me was like a very radical and subversive way to refer to ones gender and sexuality, and I love that it’s been reclaimed by the community as a whole, though I completely understand those parts of the community that are uncomfortable with the term being used at all due to the way it was used in derogatory ways for so long, especially when used by persons outside the community. I’m sure that there’s going to be a generation coming up that will have no negative associations with that word, in the same way that I have younger queer friends that refer to each other using the F slur as a term of endearment, when I wouldn’t use it with most people.

I’ve always had a lot of queer friends, but I don’t think I started going to a lot of queer specific parties until the last three or for years. Queer events too, drag shows, musicians, poets and artists and other queer specific events. It hit a point where I just didn’t want to go to another straight club. They don’t feel safe, and I cannot just sit there and listen to another Ed Sheeran or Drake song when I want to dance y’know? I’m not a huge fan of the fact that queer events always focus around a party or something, I just want a quiet queer event like a queer book club or something. I’m going to join a queer climbing club or something, just be more involved.

I love being around other queer people, but there’s also a lot of racists around. Just because the event is queer does not mean the event is safe. You’d think that we would have dealt with intersectionality by now. Genderqueer people are more aware because we live on the margins of society and have for like… ever. But I find it really frustrating when people create queer events that aren’t accessible – people with different sensory needs, comfortable for people of colour, accessible for people with physical difficulties etc. I remember the first time I went to a queer club event with a quiet room and I lost my mind, like I wanna be at the club for six hours, but I want to sit down and have a break with just a little noise for a while y’know? It was so beautiful and safe.

K: What challenges do you see still facing the queer community today? Gloria: Racism

There are so many things, being trans-non-binary and a POC I get to see it all but like. People within the community that just straight up hate trans people? The phobia is coming from inside the house! Unlearn that shit queers! Some people in the community get rights? Like they can get married, get recognised, and then they turn around and say “us? we’re the good gays” shut the fuck up. Yeah, internalised phobias within the community? We need to unlearn that as a group, that’s a group effort.

Racism, ablism etc, we need to get rid of those because intersectionality is a thing. I also think that there’s so many laws that are trying to literally kill people in the community so like… I don’t know if we need to crowd fund some community lawyers or something, but we need to get some protections from these people who are out here doing their most to keep us down. I also think that cishet people really need to do better, even the ones that say they’re all about allyship will say that they’re on your side and then take you right to a straight club and like hey, what’re we doing here? I think cishet people don’t understand that there are certain spaces that, for non cishet people, are just inherently unsafe y’know? There isn’t any thought as to how their queer friends are safe going somewhere, or how they’re presenting is safe. When cishet people come into spaces that are meant for queer people yeah it’s just a party and a grand old time, but queer people don’t have that same privilege or concept of space y’know? At a straight club I could just disappear because some homophobe clocks me as queer and has a problem and what would y’all do about that? Cishet people walk around like life is this RPG that they’ve unlocked all parts of, and are free to go anywhere, and just don’t realise that there are places that they perceive as totally safe that are completely unsafe for any queer person to be in. We can’t even go to certain countries? We can’t live in certain suburbs of Sydney! People get bashed in fucking Newtown for being gay. Cishet people, especially if you say you’re an ally, or go into our spaces to have fun, why don’t you take a few seconds to think about the safety of your queer friends? Why don’t you pay for our Ubers and shit, make sure we get home? don’t just text me “are you home safe?” be about it!

Full gallery on facebook

please contact us if you are interested in taking part

#thequeerlook #queer #lgbt #lgbtqiaplus #transgender #nonbinary #gender #sexuality #portrait #photography #poc #qpoc

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maxdark158 · 5 years

Text

Daminette Soulmate AU

Okay so when I talked about this with @chloe-bourgeois-is-big-gay @mindfulmagics and @2sunchild2 yesterday we went through a scenario where Marinette went to Gotham so I thought WELL WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER WAY AROUND which was mostly inspired by @let-me-perish ‘s Alternate Beginnings au

I am NOT writing more of this, but anyone else is open to continuing it for me in whatever way they want! Make it a collab!

@realrandomposts @ozmav

Enjoy

oooOOOooo

Soulmates are a thing in this world! Damian isn’t sure why that has to be a stated fact, but they are real. The majority of people have soulmates and that is as much of a fact as is the fact that he doesn’t have one.

Well, Grayson says not to lose hope but Damian doesn’t think he’s missing out on anything anyway. He doesn’t care that he doesn’t have some random stranger’s name on his body Grayson does, and he couldn’t understand it until he met the Tamaranean himself, he is not colorblind Todd is, but he hates it writing on his skin bears no results Drake is always writing on his skin, he and his soulmate good friends despite never meeting, he has no marks that will light up when he and a soulmate would first touch Father’s was on his chest somewhere and it lit up before Damian knew of him, he sometimes wonders who else shares it and he doesn’t feel any pain belonging to another person he and his father had been battling Poison Ivy when her soulbond was revealed by a bloody nose neither of them gave her, though he noticed how her and Harley’s injuries always matched the other after that.

Given that the only other soulbond is incredibly rare, Damian feels safe to assume that he simply does not have one. After all, hearing the thoughts of his soulmate would be a headache – both literally and metaphorically.

oooOOOooo

His class was on a trip to France. Paris, France to be more specific. A plagued with supervillains, much like Gotham. Of course, the mayor made sure to remind everyone that the villains were harmless – he likely didn’t want tourists to stop going.

Which is what, Damian realized, he and his classmates were. Tourists.

Well, sort of. They were actually part of an exchange program that all students who spoke French got to participate in. For one month, they would go to the highest-ranking high school in the area – the same one the Mayor’s daughter went to. Then they’d return to Gotham and write essays in French, and depending on the score they could opt out of finals for any other language classes they took.

Damian didn’t really care for the skipping finals part, and was originally planning to sit it out the trip. But Father insisted he go. Something about living life. And monitoring the situation in Paris to see if it needed any intervention. But living life too. For a month.

They had recently landed in the city of love ugh, gross and he and his classmates were at the hotel now. It was the mayor’s hotel, a lavish one at that. Well, appearing to be lavish, but Damian knew enough to know what was a good knock off and what was real when it came to expensive things. He’s a Wayne after all.

“We get our own rooms?” His classmate Charlette “Scar” Gamble sounded surprised. Damian was too. Their trip may only have fourteen students but even he expected to share rooms.

“Well we have three young men and eleven young women on this trip, and we wouldn’t be able to evenly have roommates, so single-use rooms were the best option.”

Damian saw Scar’s shoulders relax. He was glad their school was open to her situation and didn’t make her share with one of the boys. They weren’t friends exactly, but he didn’t hate her company.

Suddenly, a white-hot and burning pain hit him. He grabbed his head, lips pressed tightly together so he didn’t scream. All he could hear was ringing, high pitched like when someone dropped a microphone on full volume. His vision was spotty.

Oh kwami, that hurt. Ugh. I need to focus on this akuma!

What the hell was going on? Why was there a voice in his head? And why was it French?

Focus on the akuma! It’s probably doing this to you, it’ll go away as soon as you’re done, then you can finish your homewor-

Whatever just happened, it fizzled out. Damian blinked, the pain was gone just as quickly as it had arrived.

“Damian?” He looked up to see Scar holding him by the shoulders. “You okay?”

It struck him suddenly when his frie- acquaintance was shaking him down for an answer. The girl he heard in his head – those were thoughts.

He was part of the 3% that had a thought sharing soulmate.

oooOOOooo

“So are you going to lie to me like you lied to Miss Olivander?” Scar and Damian were sitting in the lobby, away from the mess of excited classmates that had taken over their section of rooms.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Damian replied, trying not to sound too stiff. He was on google, searching for everything he could about thought sharing soulmates. Apparently, there was always a distance limit, usually around 20 feet.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Scar roll hers. “You’re my friend Damian. You can tell me! Though if you want me to butt out, say the word and I will.”

Damian turned to her. “Friend? I didn’t know we were friends.”

He panicked for a moment, worried he upset Scar but she just scoffed. “You’re the first person I told that I was a girl and you think we aren’t friends?”

“I thought it was just because I can keep secrets,” Damian grumbled back. So he’s a little socially inept, sue him!

“We eat lunch together often.”

“I thought it was because the asshats wouldn’t mess with you when you sat with me!”

“You helped me dye my hair and found hair dye that matched the trans and lesbian flag.”

Damian paused. “Okay so I probably should have connected the dots.”

“Yeah,” Scar was grinning. “You should have.”

Damian rolled his eyes.

“That doesn’t answer my question though,” Scar poked him in the shoulder. “What happened to you? Everyone was super freaked out.”

He pursed his lips. “My soulmate connection formed.”

Scar’s mouth dropped open. “Really? You have a thought share connection? I thought you didn’t have a soulmate!”

“I thought so too,” he replied dryly. “But it appears I was wrong.”

“Your soulmate is in Paris,” Scar giggled. “Literally the city of love!”

Damian made a face at that, and Scarlett laughed more.

oooOOOooo

Damian didn’t tell his father about his soulmate connection, resolving to figure it out on his own or leaving it alone. He didn’t want to have attachments like a soulmate connection to weighing him down, the thought scared him. But he couldn’t deny his curiosity.

If he heard her thoughts again, Damian would investigate.

Unfortunately, his fri- acqu- friend Scar declared that she wanted him to be happy and she would help him search for his mystery soulmate.

Damian was just glad she didn’t declare that in front of his other classmates.

Today they were heading to Lycee Francois Dupont. Seven of them would join one class, and seven of them would join the other. He and Scar both got Mlle Bustier.

When they arrived, Damian noticed that an Italian girl was outside the in the courtyard surrounded by her peers. She seemed to be crying about something, but Damian didn’t really care.

They went to the class early, the teacher settling them into their seats. There were a lot more than a typical French room, she explained, to accommodate all of them.

Damian was caring less and less as time went on.

Soon other students, this time ones who went to the school full-time, began to trickle in. A girl with curly red hair was showing a boy with a red baseball cap a video on her phone. A small blonde girl and a tall dark-haired girl were talking quietly to a large boy and another small blonde girl. And the Italian girl from earlier was approaching them-

Wait why was she approaching them?

“Hello,” her voice sounded sickly sweet, and Damian pursed his lips, “I was wondering if any of you could tell me about my Damiboo? He leaves so much out of his letters to me and I know you go to school with him!”

He blinked. He opened his mouth to say something. Scar beat him to it.

“What do you mean, Damiboo?” She asked.

“Oh, did he not tell you?” she put a hand to her mouth in surprise. “My name is Lila Rossi. Damian Wayne is my soulmate! His name is along my spine and mine on his thigh.”

Scarlett narrowed her eyes. “Bull.”

Rossi blinked. “Wh-what?”

“Bull,” Damian repeated. “Don’t you know? Damian Wayne doesn’t have a soulmate. He’s said so in many interviews.”

The girl did a dramatic sigh. “He must be lying to protect my identity! I can understand, but it still hurts.” She looked at them, the fakest of fake tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry for bothering you. I just wanted to know how my darling is doing.”

“You should be sorry,” Scar bit out.

The girl seemed shocked that her tearful act didn’t work. Before she could attempt to further guilt trip them, Mlle Bustier asked them all to go to their seats for roll call.

“She’s a liar,” Scar hissed once Rossi was out of earshot.

“No kidding,” Damian grumbled. “She attempted to lie about me but didn’t even recognize me?”

“Stupid, truly, she is,” Scar snickered.

“It appears Marinette is late again,” Mlle. Bustier sighed.

The French class seemed to mumble among themselves. The things they said were all derogatory and rude. Damian wondered why an entire class was ganged up on a single student.

It was then that Damian felt... Something. It was like a warmness in his head without any physical heat. It was… odd, to say the least. But at least there was no pain this time.

-late I’m late I’m so late! Ugh, I should have just not done some homework and slept more, I’m so-

Late?

Yeah! Wait who are you?

I could ask you the same question, person in my head

YOU’RE in MY head tho- wait are you my soulmate?

It would appear so. You’re still late.

AAAAAAH I’M LATE

Damian winced at the yelling, which made Scar turn to him. She saw him rubbing his temple, the slight squint, and grinned.

“Is it your soulmate?” she whispered.

Suddenly the door burst open, a girl with blue pigtails and bluer eyes having run through it, though she didn’t seem out of breath.

“Sorry I’m late Mlle!” She exclaimed.

She’s going to hate me if she already doesn’t like the rest of them hate me.

Why do they hate you?

Not important. How are you still within six meters of me?

20 feet

Shut up American- wait you’re American

“Marinette,” Mlle Bustier sighed. “In case you haven’t paid attention in my class,” giggled erupted from the French students.

As usual, they all hate me

I’m not laughing

Wait you’re seeing this? Ugh that’s worse

“In case you haven’t paid attention in my class,” Mlle Bustier repeated herself. “Students from Gotham Academy are spending a month at this school as an exchange program. Please take your seat.”

So I guess you’re one of the Gotham students?

Yes. I assume you’re the late girl, Marinette?

Gee, how’d you figure that out. But seriously I can tell you’re a guy from your voice and they’re only two guys in here that are American-

“Is your soulmate the cutie with pigtails?” Scar asked. “Because if not, dibs.”

Wait no you can’t call dibs on my soulmate

Who’s calling dibs on me?

Nothing. Stop listening.

No, you.

“You can’t,” he mumbled, and Scar lit up.

“I am going to be the best wing woman on this planet and possibly other ones too!” Scar said just a bit too loudly.

Wait no too loud Scarlett!

So I’m guessing that’s you then?

He looked at Marinette, who met his eyes. She smirked.

Found you.

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hometothecanyonmoon · 3 years

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Hi! Not to be too personal (you can totally just ignore this if you're uncomfortable with it) but have you come out to your parents? I'm a minor who's question their sexuality and I'm pretty sure my parents are homophobic.. I was wondering about your experience and if you might have any tips for me? Thanks a lot 🥺

hey anon! first of all i'm sorry about that, i know how it feels, it sucks. sending hugs to you :/

i'm a minor too and the thing is i always kinda knew that i wasn't straight, since i was a kid. i didn't know the terms and labels and different sexualities till like 2018 but yeah to me looking at girls the same way as i looked at boys wasn't a big deal. i started looking into different sexualities and around september, i had discovered pansexuality. i had also discovered the umbrella term queer and different gender identities so it was really eye-opening.

now, my birthday's in july, on the 12th. around june i had started telling my mom and stepdad about larry and babygate and closeting and both of them were like "yeah this is shit being gay isn't a crime". louis left syco on the 11th. i had asked for a larry hoodie for my bday and i got it. then around august i posted something pro-gay on my whatsapp and mom was pissed. i have no idea what caused the sudden change but yeah, that happened. everytime we fought she'd call me a "dirty" lesbian or a "chakki" (derogatory hindi word for trans people). a month later i realized i was pan. my stepdad didn't know about anything that was going on, and he's supportive of the community.

because of my experience with my mother, i obviously didn't want to come out to her. i live in india where it is not a crime anymore but socially you'll be assassinated. i knew she'd kill me and i couldn't risk anything because i still depend on her for everything obviously. my friends are homophobic, as is everyone around me. apparently pansexuality doesn't even exist. non-binary peeps don't exist. me coming out would be the worst mistake of my life so i'm gonna stay closeted at least until i'm financially independent. after that i'll come out and fuck off to canada or something.

no one irl knows i'm queer and i'd prefer to keep it that way tbh. i'm sure she already suspects it because of my never ending support for the community and also because i cut my hair when i was angry so *shrug*.

now i obviously don't know your situation but if you still depend on your parents for money/education/live with them and if you even suspect that they're homophobic then i'd say don't come out. i understand that it's not my place to say or dictate what you do but tbh they can make your life hell. i've read enough fanfiction to know what happens to kids who are openly queer with douchy parents. stay closeted until you don't have to depend on them for anything. until you can move out. until you turn 18. if you come out and are mistreated and if your country is pro-queer then ig you can take action against them but if it's not then you really shouldn't come out.

i'm sorry if this answer is all over the place, but if you want more help please feel free to DM me! i'll probably give a more coherent response that way. till then im sending you a huge hug. you've got this. it's up to you. stay strong. stay proud. i love you.

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