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morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy · 3 years

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All of them *^*

Heya Ash!! Oof you're giving me a project lol thank you so much for the ask!!!

1. How big is your mods folder?

That is a really great question. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head, but it got to the point where I had to put all my mods on a thumb drive and only move them around as I need them because I'm computer was running so terribly. So I'd say it's a lot 😅.

2. How would you describe your style?

Uh, I would say very graphic novel type vibes. I'm a huge graphic novel buff and the story I'm actually working on I intended to be a graphic novel, but it really got away from me and is much too big for that now (not a brag, just my legitimate crack head antics) so when I got into Sims editing the thought was always to kind of keep the drawn/comicbook-y feel to it.

3. What is your favorite challenge?

Thus far it's been the stereotype challenge ! It was a lot of fun and I got to do it with four of my OCs who ended up fitting the criteria pretty well! I just think it came out really well both as an edit and as my OCs.

4. Do you make CC?

Aahahaahahahhaahahaah!!!!!! No. I tried to make poses one time! One singular time and it ended so poorly that I decided to swear off making anymore off my own CC for the distant future. Maybe I'll try it again, maybe I'm scarred for life, only time can tell!

5. What type of CC do you hoard?

I had answered this one before, but I FUCKING LOVE POSES!!!! And like I said I didn't have the best experience making my own so I prefer to use downloaded ones. But I never really clean out my poses in case I need them for something else! So my pose folder is astronomical at this point.

6. What default eyes and skin do you use?

You know.... This really is a question I should have the answer to but I'm totally drawing a blank right now so I'll go ahead and put a link to the eyes here and the skin here when I can look it up! ✌

7. How many URLs have you had, and what are the meanings behind them?

On this blog I've only had the one? And I feel like it's pretty self explanatory, I love Morgyn because 1.) They're the absolute best 2.) Untamed magic? Yes ma'am! 3.) They're gender fluid / nonbinary like me!! And 4.) They're an absolute snack!!!! So it was a perfect fit for me.

8. Who is your favorite gameplay blog?

Why would you do me like this??????? I can't choose!!! I love them all and I'm friends with all of them because they're absolutely amazing people that I love so much!!! I don't have a favorite! 🥺

9. Favorite story telling blog?

Please see above answer!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS ALL SO MUCH I AHDHAHSGA I CANT!!!!

10. Who is your favorite CC creator?

I don't really want to answer this one either 😭 but I think the only person I know that makes CC is the awesome @barbieaiden they made a really kick ass emo glove CC that I absolutely love and you should check out. (Sorry if the rest of you make CC I'm sure I've probably seen it, probably even downloaded and reblogged, but this is all I can think if right now 💜) Also my go to for all pose stuff is the glorious @katverse they do incredible poses for pretty much anything you could think up, highly recommend.

11. How do you edit you photos?

This is certainly going to get a few gasps, but I make all of my edits on my phone!!!!! I use just a basic free photo editor app and kind of bend it to my will to get what I want out of it! I'm really bad at figuring out stuff like Photoshop and I'm not willing to pay the expensive price when I can do it and get just as good as a result as I want from something free easy and portable.

12. What's the last screenshot you took?

Once again it has to do with an edit I'm working on so here's the last one I put up if you're interested.

13. What do you do when you are unmotivated?

Honestly, this! Editing and the Sims are my escape from the real world. It helps me when I'm having a hard time with my anxiety because it gives me control over something, it helps me a lot with writer's block I can't tell you how my stories have been inspired because of it. But I guess if I'm bored in the game I usually just start a new save or play another game for a bit, I always come back after like a day though! To be fair I haven't been doing this long enough to feel unmotivated yet, maybe we should revisit this when I've been doing this longer than two months 😅

14. Who is your current favorite Sim?

Ugh!!! As you guys have found out about me I don't like to play favorites......... But if I had to say maybe my OC Parker's Sim, he just came out perfectly and is just spot on.

15. Who is your current favorite Sims that isn't yours?

Guidry!!!! He's frickin' hilarious and just so great. I honestly didn't expect them to put as much into him as they did but I'm glad they did!!! He's the best!! He's no Morgyn, but he's pretty great too.

16. Recreate someone else's Sim in your style.

So this sounds like a lot of fun! But I really don't want to change anyone else's Sim, I know how much we all put into them and they're basically like our babies. They mean a lot, so unless I get explicit consent from someone saying I can use their Sim in my style I'm going to pass out of respect this time.

17. Do you talk about the Sims with people in your life?

Yes! One of my really close friends is the whole reason I'm into editing and mods and stuff! She showed me everything I know and is totally awesome for that. (@jennifermakesstuff on Instagram, go check out she's absolutely amazing and a crocheting god, go do it)

18. How many packs do you own?

.......... I don't want to answer this..... It's honestly a problem..... But I have them all.... Minus the star wars one I just I cannot bring myself to get it, it just looks terrible. But yeah I collect the packs and it's a problem 😅 but if you need advice on what pack to get next I'm your person!

19. How many posts do you have on your blog currently?

141 👀 I uh.... I have nothing else to say about that lol

20. How many drafts do you have currently?

Too many. But they're all like ask games and stuff for my OCs so yup!

21. How many posts are currently in your queue?

Only two 🙃 I need to get back to editing so I can hopefully have some more but I'm sick right now so... Maybe it's time for me to start that gameplay I've been threatening.

22. Have you ever moved blogs?

Okay yes, but not intentionally but I've moved three times? I had a blog for when I first started on tumblr it was for music stuff but I forgot to pass code to it so now it's just there, the other one I had was for my art & make up stuff but it wasn't doing good at all so I just turned it into my personal blog, and then from there I moved to this one! Also I'm avoiding my personal one like the plague right now because of a whole disaster that happened with someone I followed and I don't have the balls to unfollow them so I'm just pretending that account doesn't exist 😅.

23. Are you in any Sims related discords?

Yep! This one right here by the very amazing @clumsyghostie I'm really new to discord so it's the only one I've been apart of (EVER) but everyone has been really nice and friendly!!

24. What are your thoughts on the most recent pack? (Paranormal)

I like it! It added more to the gameplay than past packs have, but I always felt it left something to be desired in the way of CAS and build mode. Spoilers starting here if you care: Also it would've been cool if you could have had more interactions with Temperance like you can with Guidry, and if the specters did more that would be cool too. Either way I think it's good, I wouldn't say it's groundbreaking for the game experience, but it is fun.

25. How many hours have you played the Sims?

Let's find out 3,215 hours 😅 that's board line a problem hahaha if my math is right (it probably isn't because I'm gay and bad at math) that's a hundred and thirty three days straight? Jesus I might need help lol.

26. If you play gameplay, do you play with mods?

I used to! But I play on a regular laptop so it can't really run gameplay mods unfortunately so unless I'm doing edits my game is vanilla.

27. What's the furthest you've gotten on a challenge?

So I'm really bad at challenges! My favorite lately has been rags to riches it's a lot of fun but I always get bored after they get married and pregnant :/ I never know what to do after that because like the challenge is over but I'm so invested in these Sims 😅

Thank you again for the asks! This was a lot of fun 💖 I know I answered all the questions just now but feel free to send me an ask for whatever you want! I love interacting with you all, you're all so amazing 💖💖💖

#get to know the simblr #get to know me #izzy answers things #izzy speaks but i really shouldnt #lilypixels #love ya ash!!!#ask game #ask #send me an ask if you want

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fresh-outta-jams · 5 years

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Part 12

Namjoon x Reader Author: Admin Mo Summary: You’re in college when your soulmate tattoo shows up, an address. You figure it couldn’t hurt to send a letter, right? Note: I’m so excitedddddddd oof here we go, y’all. Warnings: Some swears, soulmate fluff. Word Count: 3.5k

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, Epilogue

Nervous didn’t even begin to cover the emotions coursing through Namjoon’s body. He was terrified, excited, elated to be getting on the plane, and as soon as he sat down, it all sank in. The next time he got out of this plane, he would be in your state, and then soon after, in a car on the way to your school, and then even sooner after that, he’d have you in his arms, smothering you with kisses and affection. God, it was almost enough to make him pass out.

It had been a while since he’d flown somewhere alone, Namjoon reminisced. He missed the chatter and laughter of his brothers, filling the plane. Instead, sitting in First Class alone, he had to turn to his phone and computer for entertainment. He’d told you a few hours ago that he’d broken his phone, another lie, and that he wouldn’t have it for the rest of the day until it got fixed, so the two of you wouldn’t be able to FaceTime. And, if the problem arose, he’d lie to you about his webcam being dysfunctional too. It was a fourteen-hour flight and you couldn’t have any idea he was on the way, if he wanted the surprise to pay off.

Lily and Grace had offered to keep an eye on you, making sure you stayed at the library, which was where he planned to meet up with them, and therefore, you, when the time came. God, thinking about it made his heart race.

After this flight, he’d be with you. After this flight...He’d. Be. With. You. It was going to drive him mad. Figuring his best bet to pass the time was sleeping, Namjoon lowered his seat and pulled his Koya sleeping mask down over his eyes, his headphones playing something soft and romantic. He had no idea how he would ever be able to sleep when something so exciting was waiting on the other end of that dreamy tunnel for him, but he figured he’d have to if he didn’t want the minutes to crawl by.

So, he let his breaths slow, and he let the music carry him off to a happy place filled with coffee shops and a girl with pink hair and a camera.

***

You were decidedly itchy. No, maybe itchy wasn’t quite the right word. You were antsy, more like it. It was seven. You’d just woken up from a very odd dream about an airplane, which you’d written off as anxiety about your upcoming first flight.

Today was Monday, the first day of exam week, which certainly contributed to your itchiness. And once you unlocked your phone to scroll through the night’s notifications, you got some more answers as to exactly why something felt off.

Unknown Number: Hey jagiya! It’s Namjoon! Your clumsy boyfriend dropped his phone, so I won’t be able to text or call you today. I’m sending this from Hobi’s phone. I just wanted to let you know that I love you so much and I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Have a good day studying for your exams. I know you’ll do well! Fighting!

It was sweet, very sweet. How thoughtful of him, to send you a message instead of leaving you to wonder if your amazing wonderful boyfriend was ignoring you. But that was what Namjoon was: thoughtful. And yet, something still felt off about it, yet you couldn’t put your finger on it.

So, you sat up, stretched, hung your sleeping mask on its designated Command hook, and started down your ladder to begin one very uneventful day of studying.

***

You were a strong believer in study breaks. Cramming without stop always made you more frustrated than anything else. So, every couple of hours, you took a thirty-minute break to talk to the other two friends who had come to cram with you. Well, at the moment, it was one. Lily was taking her Psychology exam, so that left you with Grace, who had her nose in her American History book, jotting notes down in her red, white, and blue notebook.

When she looked up, and caught your gaze, she set down her textbook and smiled, stretching. “Break time already?”

“Yeah, it’s like three.”

“Holy shit that went by fast.” She checked the time on her phone only to find that what you’d told her was accurate. And also, she’d received a DM from your soulmate, the one person you could not know she was messaging. She snatched up her phone as quickly as she could.

Your eyes narrowed suspiciously, that sinking feeling you’d been harboring since this morning returning in full force. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” She blurted too quickly, clearing out her notifications, and with them, any remains of Namjoon’s message. “No, I just, uh, my professor emailed me a study guide and I really needed it.”

“Oh, that’s good…” You nodded, attempting to take a sip from your now-empty glass of tea. Luckily for you, you’d been saving up your meal dollars, so you had enough money for all the tea you could ever drink...and then some. And, in addition, you had to spend all of them before the school year ended, so you figured you may as well use them.

Standing up from the table, you grabbed your empty cup and tossed it in the trash, walking up the stairs to get another one from the tea place on the second floor. While you were gone, Grace unlocked her phone and opened Twitter. It was Namjoon, of course, messaging in the group chat he’d started with Grace and Lily.

RM_fan_94: Around five or six hours left on my flight. How are things going? Is she okay?

GracieGirl: She’s fine, Namjoon. She has consumed around six cups of tea since we’ve been here, tho. Your girl has a problem…

RM_fan_94: She sounds like me with coffee haha

RM_fan_94: Do either of you have tips for when I get there?

GracieGirl: I’m going to send you navigation from the entrance of the school to the library, but besides that, it should be fine. We’re sitting in this little area on the bottom floor.

GracieGirl: It’s her favorite spot, so there’s no way we’re moving.

GracieGirl: Plus, this place is full bc of exams, so we couldn’t really move if we tried.

GracieGirl: Once you get here, go through the door on the front of the building (facing the giant bird statue) and go down the stairs. It’s basically impossible to miss her. She has hot pink hair.

GracieGirl: Also, she’s wearing a BTS shirt.

RM_fan_94: Awwwwww that’s my girl.

Lilyyyy: Exam is FINISHED!! Operation Babysit (Y/N) Commences!

RM_fan_94: I hope you did well!

Lilyyyy: Omg where did she find you? You’re so perfect?? And sweet?? Did she make you in a lab??

RM_fan_94: Probably haha omg. But no, after many debates over the topic, I’ve concluded that she is the perfect one in this relationship. I’m just her hype man.

GracieGirl: Oooookay, Mr. Superstar, whatever you say.

Lilyyyy: Y’all are cute as fuck. I can’t wait for tonight!!!

Namjoon paused for a while before he typed out his next message, sighing to himself as he laid his head back against the seat again.

RM_fan_94: Me either…

***

You sat at the table, drilling film terms until your head started buzzing.You had watched your project so many times, you couldn’t stare at the editing program for another second, or you were sure you would go insane. So, instead, you were studying for your Film Analysis class, reteaching yourself about motifs and mise-en-scene and all of the other terms from the beginning of the semester that had been buried by all of the new things you’d learned thus far.

You still felt itchy. Maybe moreso now than when you had woken up, but itchy nonetheless. It was an odd feeling, like something was hanging over your head, something real and heavy and dropping fast. And yet, the more you thought about it, the less it made sense. Nothing was happening. You were fine. Everything was fine. It was just stress. Yes, of course, that’s what it was. Stress. Logical.

The only thing hanging over your head was your exams and the upcoming flight to Korea. That’s all it was, and it made perfect sense.

You sighed and checked the time on your phone. It was six, and you were hungry. You’d had a muffin for brunch and nothing since then. Time for a break, then. You got up and both Grace and Lily looked, wide-eyed.

“Where are you going?” Lily blurted when she saw you grab your keys.

“I’m hungry.”

“Oh. Gotcha. I’ll come with.” Lily offered, picking up her keys too. “If we take the tunnels, we don’t even have to go outside.”

“That is a good point.” You agreed, waving to Grace, the appointed guardian of your things for the time-being, seeing as she had grabbed food thirty minutes ago while you and Lily were busy working.

The two of you walked through the library and through the tunnels that connected the learning center to the building next to it, where there was a selection of fast food places. You got in line at the sandwich place and scrolled through Twitter, your thumb moving to send something funny to Namjoon until you remembered, stopping in place, that Namjoon’s phone was broken.

Your heart sank a little, but you saved the link so you could send it to him later.

“You okay?” Lily nudged your arm and you nodded. “Something wrong?”

“Namjoon broke his phone, so I can’t talk to him…” You sighed. “But I’m glad he told me. Is it weird I miss him? Also, I’m itchy.”

“You’re...itchy?” Lily giggled. “You might want to get a cream for that, sweetie, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“I know, it’s weird.” You agreed, laughing with her. “I don’t know. I guess it’s just nerves from...everything, you know?”

“Yeah, I think I kind of get that.” Lily nodded. It was a good thing you were busy with your phone or you definitely would have noticed the knowing smile blooming across her features. If only you knew what was in store for you in two short hours…

***

When Namjoon got off the plane, he was shaking. Every part of him, trembling in anticipation. He fumbled with his suitcase, struggling to get it out of the luggage check without dropping it. His heart raced. He was here, like twenty minutes from your school, and as soon as his Uber texted him, he’d be on his way.

Namjoon reached into his pocket to check the time. It was around eight, so according to your friends, you’d still be in the library by now, but he figured he’d better send a heads-up just in case. His fingers were shaking almost too much to punch in the message, but somehow, he managed, pressing send after reading over it once or twice.

RM_fan_94: Just landed. Uber should be here soon. I’ll be there twenty minutes after that. Keep her busy.

His face was flushed, heart pounding, banging against his ribcage in hopes to escape and run down the street to find you. God, you were so close. You two had never been this close. There had almost always been an ocean between you, at least, since you’d started communicating. And now, all that was standing in his way was a car ride. Namjoon almost couldn’t stand it.

So, nervous as all hell, Namjoon started pacing in the lobby of the airport until he finally got the notification and went sprinting for the front doors and into the van of his Uber driver.

Every atom in his body was buzzing, buzzing, buzzing and burning as he got closer and closer to the gates of your college. He read the signs on the side of the road. Twenty miles turned to ten, which turned to five. Namjoon felt dizzy, suffocated by his rapidly-approaching destiny. He was sprinting towards it, now, a handful of miles standing between him and the love of his life.

In the passing streetlights, Namjoon could make out the lettering on his wrist. The tattoo that had started this all. He remembered his excitement the moment his fingers brushed against your first letter and the words tingled into existence on his skin. He remembered when all he had to go on was a name and the fact that you were from the States. He remembered the overwhelming joy that washed over him when you sent him the first picture of you, dressed up as Wonder Woman and smiling like you didn’t have a care in the world. He remembered your first phone call, the way his veins pulsed when he finally heard your voice.

All of it was coming to a peak, now. The precipice. This was the beginning of something very new, something uncharted for himself and the rest of the members in BTS.

Without warning, his Uber driver reached the traffic light to turn onto campus. It flicked from red to green, and he drove across the halted lanes of opposite traffic, under the giant arch that marked the beginning of your school. This was it. There was no going back now.

***

Something was wrong with Lily and Grace. They were acting weird. Both of them had gotten a notification from some mysterious group chat, and now neither of them could look you in the eye. It was odd, to say the very least.

“Everything okay?”

“Yep! Just peachy!” Grace lied through her teeth, beaming at you innocently. Something very, very strange was afoot, but you were too burned-out to attempt to get to the bottom of it.

So, seeing as your drink was empty once again, you stood up and began the trek to the tea store up the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Lily asked, almost shooting up out of her seat.

“I need more tea.” You shrugged, looking from Lily to Grace. “I’ll be back in like five minutes tops.”

“Okay.” Lily nodded, walking to the bathroom to cover up the fact that she’d shot up so fast to attempt to stop you.

Shaking your head at the strange behavior, you finished walking up the steps and stood in line at the tea store, ordering yet another iced drink. By this time, the barista didn’t even need to ask. It only took him a few minutes to get your drink to you and then you were on your way back down the stairs to the table. You were sitting down when your phone rang with a call...from Namjoon. Your eyebrows furrowed until you realized it was like ten in the morning in Korea, so his phone must have gotten fixed.

Brightening immediately, you picked up.

“Hey babe! Did you get your phone fixed?”

“I did…” His voice sounded weird. You could hear his tone and his breath shaking with each word. “Good thing, too…”

“Joon, is everything okay?”

“Great, baby, everything is great. Super, super great. I just...God…” And then he hung up, his connection cutting out, assumably. Your eyebrows furrowed, waiting for him to call back, like he usually did when your Skype calls cut out, but he didn’t.

“Something wrong?” Lily asked, almost unable to hide the grin on her face. Grace subtly held her phone, obviously recording. She had been since you got back with your tea. And yet, your head was buzzing too much for you to notice.

“I think his phone cut out.” You said softly, staring at the screen as you contemplated calling him back. You waited for a few more seconds before you noticed someone standing at the bottom of the steps. He was tall, his long frame dressed in an oversized black shirt and ripped jeans, tufts of pink hair sticking down out of his black baseball cap.

Maybe it was the pink hair that caused you to look back down at your work for a split second before your heart lurched and you did a double-take. You studied him, frozen and wide-eyed. You urged your legs to get up so you could get a closer look, but they weren’t listening.

You put your hands on the table, pushing yourself to a standing position as Lily and Grace giggled. Your legs wobbled with each slow step over to him. He was frozen, too, an amused grin on his face as he watched the wheels turn in your head, dimples on full display.

“N-Namjoon?” You whispered, tears fogging up your vision. You covered your mouth with your hands, taking a step forward and then a little step back, still unsure if this was actually happening or if it was some cruel hallucination, cooked up by twelve hours of staring at a book and taking notes.

“It’s just me, baby.” He reassured softly. “I’m right here.”

That was all the reassurance you needed. He set down his duffle bag and opened his arms, waiting for your legs to finally get the message from your brain. Eventually, they did, and you broke into a run, closing the distance between you until you were jumping into his arms, legs wrapped tight around his hips. One of his large hands came to rest under your thigh, and the other fastened around your back, rubbing comforting circles as your floodgates finally opened, a cascade of tears following.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” He tried to hush your sobs, but he realized after a few seconds that he was crying too.

“How did you get here?” You croaked. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to come surprise my girl.” He chuckled softly, happy tears rolling down his cheeks. “I knew you’d need a little pick-me-up for exam week.”

“So you just came at the drop of a hat?”

“This has been planned for months, baby. It’s all worked out, I promise.” Namjoon was still holding you, your legs firmly gripping his waist, but he pulled away to look at you up close. You were the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, even with trails of black mascara running down your cheeks. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

“I look like a mess.” You shook your head, chuckling at how much of a disaster you probably looked on today of all days. Of course on the one day that mattered, you looked like you’d just been hit by the bus.

“Baby, you’re the most beautiful person on the planet.” Namjoon pressed a long kiss to your forehead, closing his eyes before murmuring, “You look perfect, always. I love you, jagiya.”

“I love you too.” You took a moment there to look at him, to really look at this man who held the other half of your soul in his heart. You raised your hands to his cheeks and gave his dimples a pinch, earning a laugh from him. “You’re real…”

“Weird, isn’t it?” He raised an eyebrow. He couldn’t count how many times he’d heard that from ARMYs all over the world. Although, it was never as tender or careful as this statement.

“Mmhmm.” You hummed, studying his features up close, squishing his dimpled cheeks together. “Joonie?”

“What?”

Your eyes lingered on the pillows of his plush lips. They were calling to you. “I want to kiss you.”

“Then kiss me.” He replied, leaning in slowly to meet you in the middle. It was electric, sparks flying the moment your lips melted against his larger, warmer ones. You almost forgot you were in public until you heard cheers from all of the other brain-dead students flooding the library currently. Blushing, you reluctantly pulled away from Namjoon, finally unwrapping your legs from his hips and settling yourself back on the floor.

“Was it worth the wait?” You whispered, taking his hand and leading him back over to where your grinning friends had pulled up a fourth chair.

“I would wait a hundred years for you if I had to.”

“You’re cheesy.” You scrunched your nose and looked up at him. You knew all along that he would tower over you, but up close it was entirely different. Namjoon seemed to notice too, as he looked down on you gingerly. He leaned forward and pressed another lingering kiss to your forehead, pulling you against his chest.

“So are you.”

“That’s fair.” You giggled into the fabric of his shirt before finally sitting down with him. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of you no matter how hard he tried. But eventually, he did turn to give his thanks to Lily and Grace.

“Thank you, ladies. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Grace smiled. Lily nodded in agreement.

You, however, looked between the three of them with wide eyes. “You knew???”

“Explains a lot, doesn’t it?” Lily chuckled, shrugging as she got back to her studying.

“Congratulations, you two.” Gace bidded before slipping her headphones back over her ears.

Namjoon took your hand in his own, scooching his chair closer to yours. He studied your little fingers with a smile before bringing your hand to his lips and kissing it. This, he imagined, was what the rest of your little forever looked like, and he wouldn’t have it any other way...

Tagged: @iie-wakarimasen , @ffantasylandd, @jooniefluff, @chimchimsauce, @mrs-saeyoung-choi, @theprinceoftheundead, @angyexoxo, @copenhagenspirit, @lovelylittlekittn, @lilgaga98, @iminlovewjjk, @feed-my-geek-soul, @loveandwitch, @recoveringflowerchild, @demonic-meatball, @maddieisaacs, @scissorsandtonfas, @carirosesg, @backtonormalthings, @local-mochi, @faliwi, @spoopyela, @nanie5, @ingenu--e, @undiscovered1personality, @andalos, @calspixie, @filtermono, @huhuehuey, @mikey-girl12, @lilliaflurr, @hypophrenium, @sitkafay, @spiicyari, @andeerwilson, @btswerewolfaus, @oyasumi7, @mycurrentusernameisalreadytaken, @gangstavixsta

#armyofwriters #kpopwonderlandtag #namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon imagine #bts #bts imagine #fluff #soulmate au #bts soulmate au #rm #rm x reader #rm imagine #signed sealed delivered

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wishingfornever · 6 years

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10/19/17 – Extensive Contact: To Forgive, Never Forget

Current time is 11:55. I had several dreams last night that I’d like to share.

The first was a dream that Wendel, my childhood home in the middle of nowhere, was being renovated. As in I drove in and there was a Pizza Hut, a McDonald’s, and a Walgreens there as I drove back into it. I had to leave for something and there were more Pizza Huts and multiple McDonalds’. It was becoming a town with a lot of emphasis on these two businesses.

Second dream… it was about Esther. I had returned and she and I were talking again. She was very polite and very nice. Asked for forgiveness and I said, “It’s alright, you thought it was best. I’m just glad you’re back.” We were cleaning around the house and she said she’s single again. I took the hint and asked if I could be her boyfriend again and have the second chance I never really had. She agreed.

There was a lot we were doing and I proposed that we can get her a ticket to come back to Houston with me when we were done there. She couldn’t have been happier. I asked her if she’d want to read the journal. She said yes.

My thoughts at the time was, “Oh, boy! I can’t wait to tell my journal that she and I are getting back together!” which was later followed by, “Wait, am I still going to post it? I guess we’ll see when she’s done.”

Then I woke up. I was so upset when I woke up. I should have known it was a dream. She was too compliant. This is destroying me. :/

The original blog is still up. Did I ever explain what that was? I think I mentioned it, but never really got into it.

She started it when we started dating. She posted these little posts about our relationship. I had to guess the password. I believe I shared that password, actually. That said, they were very inspiring. It gave me hope. It was a very supportive platform. Posts when things were still somewhat good… they’re in white with blue text. She basically stopped posting when we were in California. The last post when we were in a relationship goes like this:

“6.2.2017

Its hard opening up about what’s going on inside of me. I usually wait until it passes & try to ignore it. Today was different. Part of healing is acknowledging what you feel & accepting it. Part of doing that is communicating to the people around you about whats happening.

Just saying, ur hella special. Ur welcome.”

The last post goes:

“9.3.2017

The end.”

That fucking hurts. It hurts so bad. I just wish we could see eye to eye again. If I had three wishes, I’d wish to be the person she deserved. I wished she was always happy. I’d wish for another chance. I don’t like it, but this is how things are. This is my biggest regret.

I really don’t feel like doing much of anything today. I think I’ll go back to my room. I’m sorry. But, looking at the bright side, at least you won’t have to hear me talk about my every moment of the day this time. I’m sure that’s a bonus to some.

I’m back. Only after an hour. I asked Daniel to talk to Esther. Hopefully let her in on the fact that Dennis lied to me, her, and everyone else.

Just spoke to Shane. He seemed to have denied lying. Told me much more about the subject. It’s possible that he was lying to me, but it’s even more possible that Dennis is the one who was lying. I’m not sure who to trust right now. I want to trust Shane, but I feel I’m confronted by my own bias. I need advice.

Who do I trust?

It doesn’t matter. I guess this is all the next step for the drama. Maybe she’ll be more suspicious of Dennis. Maybe she’ll begin asking herself the right questions. Thing is, if she doesn’t want to believe then she won’t. For her own securities. I guess that’s why I never figured he’d do this to me.

You know, I’ll be happy if Esther just talks to me again. Like we used to.

Daniel denied telling Dennis anymore than I asked him to. He’s a nice guy. I trust him. Whether he’s honest or not is irrelevant. Shane told me that I should watch what I say with Daniel. Because he told Dennis something I told Daniel which was something told me. Typical drama bullshit. I proposed the idea that Dennis went through Daniel’s phone when drinking. He uses it for music when they do drink. So, it’s open and easy to see.

Personally, I’m not sure I believe Dennis was going through his phone. But, again, I also do believe Daniel is telling me the truth. A third possibility is that Shane lied to me and was able to guess that I told Daniel. Sort of a cold prediction where I admit he was correct despite him not knowing anything.

It’d make sense. What he accused me of was far more than I actually told Daniel.

Anyways, looking back at when she blocked me. It was… unusual. Why did she block me at that time? I was about to message her. It’s possible that there is some supernatural bullshit going on and that supernatural bullshit caught on to me wanting to message her and pushed her to block me before I could.

Of course, blaming the unknown for a failed relationship is pretty outlandish. I mean… I saw something the night she finished picking up her things. She’s changed vastly. There could be something else going on but I’m not sure. Maybe she needs a priest.

I wouldn’t force her to see one. I’m not religious. Hell, I’m not even certain about what I saw. I was in a fragile state. The mind is poison… it’s possible it was all in my head. Or I could just be in denial. I’d have to experience it further. Maybe if I come back, I’ll take some time to meditate. Try to connect. Don’t remember the name of the suicide victim from before. I’ll have to look back in the conversation with Shane. He told me his name.

Or maybe I spoke to him via voice chat. Fuck.

Shane told me that they intend to get an apartment in Susanville. I guarantee they won’t be able to afford that. I hope they do. Their relationship won’t last and Dennis will have to move back in with his mom. Maybe Esther, too.

The thing with Dennis is that he gets very offended kind of easily. Like, after enough time, he’ll actually become aggravated with someone. Probably not his fault. He’s something of an introvert. Doesn’t like to be around anyone for too long. Esther will learn that.

Anyways, I just got a bunch of work with the bank done. I didn’t go to Starbucks, but maybe I should call them. This is all necessary to get my Kickstarter up and running. April 1st is when it’ll end, I’ve decided. Because I’m a fool. Appropriate, I felt. I’m calling Starbucks now.

They didn’t pick up. Might be a problem with my phone. But I was able to call Golden 1. They shouldn’t be busy, this is the slowest hour. Google confirmed that. I’ll call again tomorrow. I’ll try to wake up early and call between 10-12 and then again at about 3-4. After this week, I’ll look for a different place to apply. I’ll need to print out my resume.

If I get asked about the blanks in between, I’ll let them know that I wrote a book and now I just need an editor. Hopefully, that job will be able to afford me an editor as well as rent and food while I’m at my cousins. It’s stressful to try to deal with that as well as the drama between myself, Dennis, and Esther. I guess Shane, too. Daniel as well.

I guess I’ll get to editing my book today. Or as much as I can. Before the Kickstarter goes live, I want it prepared for an actual editor. I might change entire scenes is why. Character names will change. There would be a lot of differences. Today, I’ll be productive. I’ll end it with my sets and a shower. Get back into the swing of things.

Adela also told me I wasn’t learning Spanish. She’s right. I haven’t been able to find time for Spanish. I need to get Rosetta Stone working again. Thing is it glitched out and made me redo an entire chapter. Fucking. Bullshit. Was I doing badly? I don’t know when I’ll be able to just speak Spanish with my cousin, but I understand what she says to Max. Mostly through context and keywords.

Adela told me I looked skinnier. I told her I lost ten pounds since I got here and she said, “Oh, I can see. Did you lose it at your feet?” I watched as she tried to fight back a smile. I told her I’m telling my mom and she laughed.

Alright, so… Adela tried calling Starbucks and no one picked up. Weird. Fate of the universe working against me? Who knows.

For now, I spoke to her about Saturday. I’ll make her breakfast. She prefers her eggs scrambled. I’m switching out my seasoned salt for Himalayan pink salt, the shit Esther got. I have to twist it so it won’t add too much salt, not that the seasoned salt would be too overwhelming. I’ll chop up spinach and put it in the eggs with onions and carrots. No broccoli because Adela doesn’t like broccoli with eggs, which is unfortunate. That broccoli will last a while, so I’m not concerned. It’s a large bag and it’s frozen. Should have a decent shelf life.

Anyways, I’m going to get started on editing. I won’t start on Rosetta Stone until I get some chapters done. I’ll try to dedicate an hour a day to Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone claims that it’ll take 200+ hours to learn everything so should be about 7 months. Oof. That’s a lot but with Adela, I’ll probably learn it faster. I’ll finish at about May, probably. Hopefully, I won’t need to worry too much about Rosetta Stone resetting my lessons again. If so, I’ll just manually skip it.

Perhaps I should be more patient, but I have a lot coming at me at once. Kickstarter, my book, Spanish, a job, losing weight, and perhaps more goals I can’t think of or haven’t shared yet.

When I can afford it, I’m legally changing my last name. To Molinero. What’s on the book. It’s more to reconnect with the heritage I denied myself when I was younger. The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago. The second best time is right now.

It’s 4:26. Time to work. Later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

I’m… looking for a good ambient song. I went through my favorites. Found that. I feel… broken. I hate music right now. I’m sensitive and I can’t handle it. I’m easily swayed. I’m easily wrapped up. Pushed. And, apparently, easily forgotten.

But I don’t forget. I could never forget. I could only forgive.

I was looking for something without woods with a gentle melody. Something that I could fall asleep to. Help me think. Unfortunately, I found something with lyrics. Helping me think about my current misfortune.

Esther… if you’re reading this a year from now on Tumblr, just know that I’ve never stopped caring about you. I know, I should have moved on but I’m not that kind of person. Maybe if you’ve read all this. Maybe if you know that I’m such an idiot. Maybe then you’ll know what kind of person I am. There are no lies in any of this. Only the truth, no matter how painful it is.

I want to die. I would rather die. This is the worst breakup I’ve ever had.

I was rethinking the night you left. Or rather, I left you. I should have stayed. I should have ensured that you were brought back. I should have reasoned with you. You should have reasoned with me. Then again, I know now. I know that Dennis is a piece of shit. He is such a fucking monster and I never knew.

It’s… somewhat ironic. I tend to be able to know a person just by being in their presence. I can’t explain it but my gut tells me not to trust someone or that they’re a good person or whatever. Thing is, I knew Dennis far longer than I started being able to judge people. My niece used to ask for my opinion on her boyfriends. I gave it, then she told me, “But he’s so sweet.” I was a pushover then. I told her go for it. Needless to say, they didn’t last longer than a couple of weeks.

I guess I never learned to measure Dennis’s character. I was socially inept at that age. I just wanted people to like me. I saw him as, “New friend?!” and wagged my tail. He was such a dick to me. Tried doing everything he could to get me to stop bothering him. Claimed to have had a restraining order.

Eventually, I grew on him. Or, at least, so I thought.

What a fucking bastard.

Anyways, I found some flute music. Supposed be Chinese, not sure if it is or isn’t to be honest. Title is “Beautiful Chinese music Instrument Endlesslove 10 different songs” so maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t, who knows? Endlesslove, though… upsetting to see. It’s been a pain in my ass thus far. It’s not getting any better.

I had to get the notes from Esther. These notes… she printed out my story. Read it. Gave notes. She was going to be my editor. I lied to my parents about her being somewhat professional because I really didn’t want my dad on my fucking back. I’ve had a lot of problems with him. One of the reasons I came to Houston.

I asked her to not talk about my book that much. Keep it hidden from him. Bless her heart, she tried but he asks so many questions. He asks… inappropriate questions, too. My dad has become less socially aware as of late.

Regardless, I need her notes. She read my story when I guess it was in pre-alpha? Left a lot of notes. She also said she wanted to see more action. Kind of lead to the rewriting of a chapter.

I appreciate what she’s done. I tried to get Dennis to do it. Said he couldn’t get into it. I don’t think he even tried, to be honest. I tried getting Jer to, as well. He wouldn’t, of course. Later on, he did offer again but it was too late. I was going to have him edit after the edits with Esther. But, things happen slowly.

Christ, it’s hard to go through the pages. She got through 64… she did such a good job.

I asked Daniel to tell Esther that I wanted to thank her but couldn’t. I know she won’t reopen lines because of it, but she’ll know I’m genuinely grateful. She… has bad spelling though. Of course, I say that using spell check but… yeah.

She still did a good job.

She would ask when we would edit next but I was always too grumpy. I guess I was more of a slave to my emotions then, even now. So, we only got so far. Now, I only have these notes on 64 pages. They’re good notes… a lot of tips and advice. I guess I took her for granted. I let her into so much more of my life than I thought. Than she thought. I’ve never been like this after a breakup. I’d have moved on by now. But this is different. This is so different. I hate it. Esther made me feel something I’ve never felt before. True love? Maybe. Just not for her.

Ugh… I… I don’t hate Dennis. I don’t. He just aggravates me and everything I heard about him had a spin added to it. It’s just… Dammit.

I forgave him. For everything. We’re talking again. I added him on Facebook. We’re legitimately talking about the good ole times. And of course… Esther admitted that she hates me. You can see why. During the discussion, Dennis pointed out more of the things I did which were not cool. Before I continue, know that Esther had a troubled childhood. Her stepfather was the reason she moved in with me.

Anyways, Dennis pointed out three things about Esther. I knew she was cutting and did nothing about it. The thing is, I expressed concern but it wasn’t concerning enough for her. I didn’t want to be compared to Andrew, so I tried to be relaxed about it.

Here’s the thing. Each time she cut, I blamed myself. I felt HORRIBLE when she cut as if I failed her. And I did.

She was also afraid of me because of my anger. Which, is true. Like Andrew, her Step-Dad, I was a very angry person. I upset easily. Road rage, that sort of thing.

And I would also make her flinch because I thought it was funny. Yeah, I did. It’s fucked up but I did. I regret doing it.

I had a lot going on in my head. Not good things. However, to those who are still following this, you’d see why she was angry to begin with. Is that enough to hate me for? Maybe. All I could do is let her know I changed. The rest is out of my hands.

This is comforting, strangely enough. Didn’t get to work on my book but I got something else done. Shane is angry with me because I said he called Esther a whore, and he did. However, I can’t seem to find the message. Like it vanished or something.

Oh, shit. Shane deleted it. I just checked to see if it were possible. Totally deleted without a trace.

That mother fucker…

Ah, well. I’m pretty stressed but the drama between us is officially over. I guess I could end the journal here, but who knows what’ll happen next. I hope I’ve been completely honest about everything so whoever reads this would be more aware of what happened and can make their own opinion from it.

There were a lot of players in this particular game. Daniel, of course, was relaying information to Dennis. He admitted it. Esther admitted it. Feeling betrayed by Daniel, but it’s nothing personal. Still, he lied to me. Dennis lied to me, too. But I feel he’s been more honest from our conversation. Doesn’t mean he won’t lie to me later, but he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

This is the time to move on. He’ll add me on Skype probably and after a while, we can finally begin rebuilding our old relationship. I can’t confirm that he’ll be completely honest with me at any point, but he swore he was trying to stop lying. I want to believe him.

I guess… I was very angry at him. I don’t hate Dennis… I don’t hate anyone. There are a few people who’ve earned my ire, but he… well, he and I can work past that. A lot is changing. Life is a river and you’re dragged by it. When you find yourself at foreign banks, then try to make due with what you have.

Still. I want Esther to talk to me again. She just… won’t talk to me. I know why she removed me. Coincidence. I was told to tell Randy to tell them that they’re crap. So he told them I told him that they’re crap. So, she removed me because she was angry with what I was doing.

She had a right to be. Perhaps she’ll get over it.

I really don’t feel like doing anything. I could edit, but I lost my drive. That was a lot of emotion. It was for the greater good, but it was a lot of emotion nonetheless. And I just discovered that it takes 3 days to verify my identity and bank account. Fuck.

Oh, well. Now that I’m talking to Dennis, Daniel doesn’t have to keep reporting on me. Dennis will want to know what it’s about. You know, the me telling Daniel not to trust him. Yeah, I’ll let him know. There is a lot I’ll have to explain, but there will be time for it.

I feel… bad. I hated Dennis so much, at least I thought I did. I mean… I don’t think he really apologized. But I forgave him nonetheless. I just wish he were a better friend from the beginning. Let me know things were getting bad between Esther and me… then again, Esther told him to be hush hush about it. Something else was that he spoke about me a lot to Esther. Like he’d point at places and say, “Oh, we did this thing over there.”

Yeah… he wasn’t the best of friends… but he appreciated my friendship more than I knew. That made him a better friend than I actually gave him credit for. With Esther, I saw all the good. With Dennis, I saw all the bad.

Ironic. With Esther, she saw all the bad. With Dennis, he saw all the good.

I’m going to watch some videos. Then I’ll go to bed. Tired. Emotionally drained. I feel comforted, don’t get me wrong… but I also strangely feel… defeated?

Good night.

#breakup #slice of life #frustration #depression #getting over it #moving on #journal #a year ago today

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