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#(I just really don’t wanna deal with this rn)
the-wizard-system · 3 days
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Really feeling the impostor syndrome rn. I keep seeing stuff being like "If you think you're a system but don't have x, y and z. You're not a system!" And like sometimes I don't have those things. But the thing is if I'm not a system then what am I? Like please tell me I'd love to know. For the most part I feel like one person, except for when I don't. I say I feel like just me and then I'm talking to someone in my own head with their own name and face and feelings. I tell myself I don't have osdd and then something stressful happens once in a while and I'm desperately trying to keep someone else from fronting bc I don't think I have osdd. And when I think too much about being a system or think about headmates I start to zone out and feel light headed, and when I "switch" I feel it in my body, coming up from my chest and into my head. It feels different depending on who too. Steven says he always feels like he's gonna throw up a bit when he comes up. We don't have amnesia so it's hard to tell. If we had an it would be a lot easier to know what's wrong but we don't.
I think sometimes it's just that I don’t want it. I don't wanna have this thing. Especially since it seems like no one else really understands how it feels for me. I feel lost and I don't know what my deal is.
So please, dear people on the internet who decide what is or isn't DID. Please tell me what I have if not that.
- kinda everyone
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boomerang109 · 18 days
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enrapture · 11 months
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stay alive.
#the happiest people can be going through shit#the saddest people#the meanest of people#all walks of life you could never know what they’re dealing with#life is so hard so fucking difficult#I didn’t think I would be here#so many years before this one I didn’t think I would be alive at all#honestly? I didn’t think I’d live to see today a few days ago even just the other day I felt it#it’s really hard to stay tonight even with a good thing like meeting my favorite band right now on the 31st#internally I won’t share these feelings and thoughts allowed y’all don’t care about that or even wanna hear what I feel and what I think#but yeah#I just wanna share this because I’m struggling with it sand sometimes it’s a good and bad thing to keep finding reasons to stay#but you should stay because you want to be here to experience life with others and to help others#that life wouldn’t be life without you and you would want to see your near future self happy among your childhood past near past selves#evolve and be happy you’re staying and relive your childhood and grow as a person#you’re meant to be here if no one else tells you that#means a lot being heard and understood#staying is just a. little difficult rn#I never thought I’d make it this far and I don’t like the act of growing and I don’t like how life is a lot of the time#but that’s a story for another time if desired and shared#I’m gonna hop off now#bye#internally I won’t share these thoughts#these feelings aloud because y’all don’t care y’all don’t wanna hear about the dark parts that stay and stick in my head or pass through#but I just wanted to share it for those that needed a sign to stay#to stay because I too am one of those that could use it#spread love#be there for those that struggle#life is so fucking hard#take it one day at a time
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gregmarriage · 2 months
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currently trying to find a balance between being close friends with people and putting my all into relationships, and keeping them at arms length and it being semi casual, so i don’t hurt myself
#i don’t wanna push people away or isolate myself#it’s just friendship is harddddd#especially right now as i’m still dealing with a lot#like i’m mostly recovered from the manic episode#i just wanna put things in place in my life so i can better deal#not just in the event i’m manic but just in general#tho honestly all i seem to do lately is fix my life and it doesn’t really happen#but i keep trying because what else can i do?#i guess i’m just trying to take things slow#but also my fatal flaw is my impatience#but honestly anybody in my situation probably would be#no one wants to sit around for things to get better#even if i’m doing it for myself i’m still waiting as i put things in place#bc nothing happens instantly#soooo 🤷🏻‍♀️#idk i’m kinda torn between hating small talk and also kinda needing it?#like putting everything into relationships is exhausting#just talking casually is kinda easier for me rn#and i need to find better ways to deal bc i can’t just trauma dump on my friends#even if they’re fine with it#it’s not healthy#a certain level of talking about your problems is fine but there’s a stage where it gets to be you should probably be talking to a therapist#instead of a friend#bc your friend can only help you so much and distractions only go so far#you need like actual help at some point#even if you won’t admit it to yourself#bc honestly i’ve been through this a million times#and you always have to hit rock bottom before you admit you’re in too deep#i hit my rock bottom recently#and now i’m crawling out and paving over that hole i fell through
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astridthevalkyrie · 1 month
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feeling like you’re 12 when you’re 22 is genuinely such a humiliating experience.
#my dad and mom have been on my case ab asking for permission before I go places and it makes me kinda sick#seeing everyone around me make plans or whatever and then being like ‘I’ll have to ask 🥺 👉🏽👈🏽#’#and my dad’s a liar he’s like it’s not like we ever say no#except my mother does and so does he???#even the muslim girls I am friends with have more freedom and you know what’s amazing ab this is#they can’t stop me from going to school. they don’t pay for that#they can’t take my car. they don’t pay for that#my mom can stop making food for me and I will manage just fine#they wanna kick me out???? blessing in disguise#but it’s hilarious that as an adult i’m still paying for everything I use but I still have to ask permission genuinely fuck off#my parents when I have to stay late on campus for some school event: 😒#the way I’d be making money rn if they didn’t decide to come and stalk me at work and see me without my hijaab on#and that one’s on me I could choose to just work with it on and make them happy#but I literally can’t as a matter of principle#i’m given such little pride as it is and if I say I don’t want to work with a hijaab on that’s that#i got an internship two days ago for the summer and you can bet your ass I’m not wearing my hijaab#except it’s not paid#and as much as I have guilt spending I really don’t spend a lot and it makes me so angry#i know that your 20s isn’t your whole life and people shouldn’t think that if they waste their 20s their life is up#but it’s like#my teens were already so shitty and abusive and trapped#how much longer do I have to deal w this before i’m treated like an adult#trick question! it’s only until a man can own me bc then he can make my decisions instead of them <3
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muirneach · 3 months
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everyday i wake up and i still don’t know what i should take in university. envsci or indigenous envsci or agriculture or anthropology or canadian studies. how’s a guy to choose only two majors or a major and two minors because that’s not enough for me!! i want to do it allll
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margaetyrell · 1 year
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omg i just saw that i’m 3 followers away from my first k on this blog. should i do something? would anyone actually be interested and do you have any suggestions??
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jentlemahae · 3 months
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#okay i need to vent a second#im literally heartbroken rn#this friend of mine just told me that she feels that ‘our friendship is starting to revolve around me’ bcs i asked her to help me once with#wheelchair practice and i was late to a meet up once and i am genuinely without words rn#like she’s been late multiple times and i’ve always let it go bcs i don’t think it’s that big of a deal but im late once and suddenly im an#awful friend#and yeah i need some more accommodations than most people but i feel like it’s obvious why#and to say that it weighs on u is genuinely cruel to me#cause i always try to make myself smaller so i dont bother people and u know that very well so to call me a weight is the cruelest thing#and she said that she feels like our friendship now is just about me discovering the world and her just being there#an insane thing to say when she knows how hellish these past years have been for me and how now im finally able to go out#it’s like am i not allowed to be happy?#i am so sad but also so angry#also the fact that she sent me this when she knows i’ve just started uni and im so stressed and overwhelmed is just beyond me#like does she even like me? does she care about me? she claims she does and then does this like wth#and i dont wanna be a bad friend and maybe she’s right and i am but im trying my best here#and im always there for her when she needs me so i dont get why she’s trying to make it seem like im not#like idek how to answer her#this is really not what i needed rn
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yuribalisms · 1 year
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Lesbian or trans guy…. Lesbian or trans guy… lesbian or trans guy…. That is The question
#like !!!!!! I would like this To Be Over#rn Im Kinda doing a thing where I ‘came out’ as a trans guy to a bunch of ppl#(my friends and dad’s side of the family ya know ppl it’s not a big deal for)#and trying to present more masculine more often#mostly to see if I like it better#it’s basically an experimentation thing despite me still not being sure#because I thought it would help because hey!!! if I really like it then great! I’m a dude!#if I hate it or it makes me uncomfortable then great!!!! not a dude!!!!#unfortunately it is not working out that way and I am still mostly confused#like…. I just don’t understand 😭😭😭 I want to understand and I don’t#I got jealous when my friend started hormones and then I was talking about gender issues with my therapist and she asked if I wanted her to#write me a letter for hormones or any surgeries and the idea of changing my body like that made me viscerally uncomfortable#like what!!!!! the fuck!!!!!! what is wrong with me!!!!!#why can I not just know exactly what I want and how I want ppl to refer to me and how I want to be seen#my friends call me ‘he’ and their pets ‘uncle’ and my dad called me his son and like okay awesome#I think I kinda like it but it’s also a goddamn jumpscare every fuckin time#sometimes I think I like being a guy but also I wanna be a lesbian#and like sometimes I wanna be a dude but the idea of having a dick? absolutely fucking not I KNOW I don’t want that#but I want a deeper voice and more body hair#and just ugh UGH I DONT UNDERSTAAAAAAND#like yeah I know I’m almost certainly on the non-binary spectrum like there’s no denying that#but :( I just wanna know how I want to look and be seen so I could actually take steps towards being more comfortable#because no matter what I’ve tried I’ve never been completely comfortable#guy or girl even sometimes androgynous it just isn’t working#I just want to be Me and I feel fine but literally the second I get referred to as anything from an outside party#it sparks intense euphoria or dysphoria but it’s not consistent so I can’t figure it out#anyways I wanna melt into the floor of this Costco one of my dude coworkers called me ‘man’ and I cringed but then another coworker called#me ‘she’ and I also cringed#like what the fuck what in fresh hell I’m so frustrated I just want it all to stop#like it’s all fun and games ‘haha I’m a boy lesbian’ and sometimes yeah that does feel right but also both are wrong and just
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wrathfulrook · 1 year
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Yoooo I’ve been up for 38.5 hours and I’m in the shower technically but I’m just sitting on the floor while the water goes and I NEED to get up and get clean and go tf to bed but I’m too sleepy to do the tasks required to get to bed
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broadway-ghoul · 2 years
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I’m avoiding a certain someone so Ive escaped to my horses field- I’m this close to just laying down in the grass so they can’t see me
Rn I’m just sitting in the grass with my horse trying to lick my hair..
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sadlazzle · 2 years
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y r neurotypical ppl so rude and mean. they’ll say something unbelievably insensitive and mean spirited and then b like ‘oh i didn’t mean it like that tho :) it’s fine :)’ as if they didn’t just let u know exactly what they really think of u as a neurodivergent person
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ghosttown-mp3 · 1 year
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2023 will not be my year
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decembermoonskz · 1 year
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gregmarriage · 15 days
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me rn, but instead of nb, it’s god only knows what
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disneyprincemuke · 4 months
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bother figures * fem!driver
being the designated baby sister of the grid by default is never as easy as you think it would be
pairings: alex albon x fem!driver, max verstappen x fem!driver, george russell x fem!driver, lando norris x fem!driver
warnings: ugh annoying men
notes: this is hardly funny but like i've had to take inspiration from my bother-less life rn so i'm like rly going through it rn LMFAO and it's almost 5am here but as far as i'm concerned, it is night time somewhere so teCHNICALLY i'm not late to an update!
(series masterlist) | (📂 the rookie season)
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in the almost empty room, she sits in the corner seat as she taps away on her phone a message to reply to her siblings' group chat. she had arrived early for the driver's briefing and decided to take solace in the corner with a cup of hot chocolate.
she was enjoying the peace and serenity with the soft chatter in the background as she tried to lock herself in for the race weekend. that was until she felt a presence looming behind her with an aura she couldn't possibly ignore.
she slowly lifts her head up with a mean glare. she turns her head and meets max's blue eyes and sly grin. "what'cha doin'?"
she puts her phone on her lap as a scowl replaces her dead expression. "what do you want?"
"what are you doing?"
"does it hurt you when you see me and like... not do anything to annoy me?"
"yes, actually. i like talking to you."
"i just wanted to talk to ciara."
"now you can talk to me."
"but i don't really feel like doing that."
"why not? i'm here in front of you and not behind a phone screen. where's ciara?" he looks around, then at her with a beaming smile. "oh, would you look at that? not here."
"because she isn't an f1 driver."
"still not here to talk to you and provide you the joys of interacting with somebody face to face."
"max."
"(y/n)."
"times like these i remember you've got a younger sister."
"what's that got to do with anything?"
"you've mastered the practice of being annoying growing up, obviously. you're such a pro at it."
"how can you say that?" max cries, hand on his chest to feign hurt over her words. "i'm not annoying. please take that back!"
"you realise you made me stop my conversation with my lovely sisters because you saw me sitting alone."
max reaches out and pinches her cheek, grinning when blood rushes to her cheeks. "you were just looking a little lonely. just wanted to make you feel a little accommodated to, that's all."
she stares at him, lips pressed together. "okay, that's actually pretty sweet. i kinda feel bad now.”
“and you should!” max frowns, folding his arms over his chest. he leans back into his seat and rests one leg over the other. “you’re mean, you know?”
“i’m an oldest sister.”
“i’m an oldest brother.”
“i have three younger siblings that made me wanna shave my head bald.”
“that’s kinda crazy.”
“i know,” she sighs tiredly. but she smiles slightly. “but it’s kinda nice. with oscar and logan taking over those responsibilities growing up, we never had a moment of boredom at home.”
“cute!” max smiles. “if i lived with you growing up, you might’ve actually run away for good.”
“i could run away for good now if you’d like.”
“seb wouldn’t like that.”
“you’d have to deal with it. i’ll leave a note on my team’s fridge with your name on it.”
“you need to put the reason underneath. if not, your team will think you’re just naming the most handsomest driver on the grid,” max shakes his head in disappointment. “don’t wanna give off the wrong idea, you know?”
“if you say ‘handsomest’, it doesn’t need a ‘most’ before it,” she says, lips parted slightly at the atrocious grammar. if there’s one thing she can’t stand, it’s most definitely the reigning world champion making simply grammar mistakes. “you should get more sleep.”
“i do! i slept like 10 hours last night!”
“somehow i find that hard to believe with the bags under your eyes.”
“what are you two bickering about?” a hand lands itself on the back of her chair. carlos stands next to her with one hand on his hip. “i could hear you from the hallways.”
“damn, you should really keep it down, max,” she chuckles, sending him a shocked look before she clasps her hands together and rests it on her stomach. “you’re too loud.”
“i’m sure he meant you. you like… swallowed a mic as a kid,” max scoffs. he looks up at carlos. “tell me she was louder than me.”
carlos sighs. “you were loud on the same level, i believe.”
"see? i told you."
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"you're moving in with logan?" alex's jaw drops, the tiktok video no his phone left to play on repeat as the younger girl dropped the news that logan's moving into her apartment. "mate, what?"
she looks up at him with a confused stare. "what?"
"i thought you said you didn't want people talking about you like that?" alex asks, raising an eyebrow. "people will definitely talk if you move in with a man."
she presses her lips together. "you've got a point, i suppose. but logan's my best friend. we've been talking about moving in together forever! since i was 15!"
"i'm just looking out for you, kid. you should really think this through," alex sighs as he slumps his shoulders. of course, he knows just how close she and logan are on a day-to-day basis. but people tend to be quite ruthless with women and he just can't see this going any other way. "you know how people are."
she sighs, shaking her head. "i don't know. i just don't think people would pay attention to that aspect of my life. i still deserve to make decisions that wouldn't be at risk of scrutiny, right?"
she takes a step forward towards alex. she hadn't exactly thought of the public implications that this would cause her. all she knew was that they'd talked about this for years and were ecstatic when logan shyly brought up their conversation from years ago.
"that's the basic that we all hope for," alex frowns. "but you know how people are. you've seen how they treat you just being here. imagine the chaos."
"maybe i'll just keep it under wraps and hope for the best," she suggests with a small smile on her face. "that could work, right? i don't wanna have to put down something i spent forever talking about."
"if you can keep it under wraps, i applaud you," alex smiles, slinging an arm around her shoulders. "and i thought you've had enough of men - why are you still moving in with one?"
"to save money, really," she smiles. "and with kidnapper and stubby at home... i think living with another person is best."
"but doesn't logan like dogs more?"
"yeah, but kidnapper's taken a very weird liking to him. he doesn't wanna admit, but i know logan really likes kidnapper a lot."
"typical logan, really."
"you'd be surprised how much feelings that loser's holding in."
"oh?" alex smiles mischievously. "tell me more?"
"nice try," she scoffs with an eye roll. "i'm not spilling the beans about logan's love life. that's lore you've got to unlock the longer you race with him. just hope he's feeling friendly enough to share, yes?"
"so true," alex frowns. "but what if he's not friendly enough? means you are my only source for material to piss him off with. so, 'fess up!"
"can't betray my best friend like that, i fear," she frowns. though, her smile grows slowly. "but i can be bribed."
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a scowl carves her face as she stares at the roll-in whiteboard with pictures held up against it with sesame street magnets. she sinks into the plastic chair she's given and tilts her head at the men gathered around her.
"and that's why i think you should get the same car as me," lando says simply, recapping the marker in his hands. he turns to her with a proud smile after his presentation.
her lips part. "so that we can matchy and..."
"and fuel rumours," lando repeats. "i'm involved in too little drama this year. it's always 'no wins' this, and 'no podiums' that... i want more."
"that's not a very good argument," she answers slowly, confusion contorting her face that almost makes alex laugh. "i said that i want an easy car, not a supercar. i've made that clear to almost everyone on the grid, yes?"
"yeah, but like," lando whines, throwing his head back as he stomps a foot into the ground. "seriously? you can't do this one thing for me? i'm asking you a favour!"
"to spend big money on a supercar i have to drive like it's made of glass!" she laughs dryly, hands thrown in the air in disbelief. she looks around at the men that have forcefully pulled her out of her garage and put her in this private room, in this plastic chair when she could've been taking a power nap. "is this what i'm here for? you lot are trying to convince me to finally purchase a car?"
"as per logan's request," alex shrugs, sipping on his juice box. "he said you've been putting it off all year. the season's about to end."
"and you listened to that nonce?" she cries, pinching the bridge of her nose. "you guys are absolutely unbelievable. i can't believe i'm wasting my time here!"
george, sitting next to her with a picture in hand, points at the whiteboard timidly. "i really put in a lot of thought about a car you should get," he says softly, looking slightly disappointed that she's caught on a lot faster than they predicted. "can i at least show it to you? i don't have to present."
"aw, george," she sighs, shaking her head. "it's not another supercar, is it?"
"it's not, i promise!" he perks up with a small smile on his face. he turns to lando with a small scowl. "only lando did this presentation with his best interests in mind. alex and i took the task seriously - just hear us out!"
she looks between george and alex, contemplating if the brit is telling the truth. instead of getting up like she had initially planned, she leans back into her seat. "fine. if it's anything like lando's, i'm leaving immediately. i don't care who has yet to present."
"but this ferrari looks so pretty," charles frowns, turning the picture in his hand to show it to her. "it's matte black and all. i thought we could match."
"that is also a supercar."
"he's presenting last, so i really don't care what he says," george mutters, shoving lando away from the whiteboard. he picks up a big bird magnet and pastes his picture between lando and max's proposal. "so, i think you should get this super cute toyota car."
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