#(Also; he did not get his dad for christmas. he got evicted. :( )

[palmtreepalmtree]

Alright my friends - the twinkly lights are up, the house smells like pine, you've got every manner of red-green-and-gold wrapping paper shoved in a corner - without a doubt it's that time of year: Christmas. As you know, I've been disappointed to see so few entries into the Christmas rom-com genre this year from Netflix, so I've started to explore further afield to find something ripe for your enjoyment.

And now, I'm pleased to present...

The Worst Movies on HBO/MAX/Discovery+/HGTV??? (idefk), Right Now!

As it turns out sometime last year Discovery+ teamed up with MarVista to produce some Christmas romance content with random tie-ins to their FoodNetwork/HGTV network stars. This has created some really... oh, let's just call it interesting content.

I mean... you gotta know from the outset that there's no way these will be good. NO fucking WAY.

FIRST, as a whole, I don't think these movies know what their purpose is. Are they supposed to promote the reality shows of their cameo stars? Are they supposed to give their reality stars an opportunity to flex some acting muscle!? Are they supposed to be *GASP* good stories? NOBODY KNOWS!

SECOND, it's possible that the point of these movies is just to promote the reality show format as like... a concept. But the thing is -- NOT TO FORESHADOW OR ANYTHING -- that comes with some very weird baggage. LIKE SUPER WEIRD.

Let's break these down in round-up style.

The first movie that apparently created the mold* was Candy Coated Christmas (2021) - *pun intended. This vehicle cameos Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman, who gets about two minutes of screen time which apparently warrants her this kind of promotional one-sheet placement:

...like okay.

A shocking number of these stories involve people who are in financial peril. In this one, a hotel heiress finds herself on the brink of bankruptcy, and, on daddy's orders, she heads to a small town to evict the peppermint farmer tenants at her family's property who are, you guessed it, on the brink of bankruptcy.

In this movie, the spirit of Christmas (or spearmint gum in this case), is a plan to rescue these two financial catastrophes, oh, and they fall in love. Sure. Why not.

This movie is an empty candy-coated shell of a romance that I can best describe as serviceable. But apparently it was enough of a hit that the rest of the movies followed. So we can blame this candy cane for the Christmas rogering that followed in 2022.

Continuing from worst to most egregious...

A Gingerbread Christmas (2022) - This one cameos that Ace of Cakes dude (no idea his name and not interested in looking it up) who is judging a gingerbread competition that the main character desperately needs to win to save her dead mom's foundering bakery - YES another fucking business in peril.

Her love interest is the general contractor/baker/single dad who has taken up daily residence in the bakery where he is apparently simultaneously working on fixing the place up and also doing all of the baking........?

Yeah, it makes little sense, and yet somehow this is not the worst of the four entries this year.

Both of these actors are people you'll recognize and will have you thinking heyyyyy where is she/he from? (Let me help you out: The Good Place/Reacher). They're fine.

This is fine.

It's just... not going to leave you feeling much of anything. And that's the exact opposite of what these movies are supposed to do. You're not killing me, you're just boring me. There's nothing spicy in this gingerbread, baby! ZING! Nailed 'em.

There's a kind of nice subplot about a new immigrant entering the contest as well, but maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for that. This definitely does not seem like it's going for the same audience as some of the Hallmark movies, but it's also only gesturing at substantive things rather than really delivering anything of substance. Hey guys, did you know that immigrant Muslims can celebrate Christmas too!?

MOVING ON.....

One Delicious Christmas (2022) - Alright... where do I even start here??? Continuing on our theme of struggling businesses, this one slightly breaks the pattern by telling us a story of the owner of a boutique inn who needs to find a new chef for her family business so that she can bring on a financial partner to help ease the strain of her sole ownership.

The cameo in this one is Bobby Flay who comes in as a restaurant critic to comment on the food. Sigh. I know. Look I'm just reporting here, don't harm the messenger.

Alright there are three things here that just drove me completely batty: First, and I hate calling this shit out, but I gotta say the lead actress here has some partial vocal fry thing going on with her voice that is just impossible to watch for an hour and a half. I just wanted to shake her and be like BREATHE THROUGH YOUR CHEST. Fucking hell. It's a trial being me sometimes.

Second, obviously the theme here is cooking, but the whole story is based around the fact that the chef is doing new and risky recipes that the inn owner is nervous her people won't like... but like... the recipes are super basic? Like scalloped potatoes instead of mashed? Lobster bisque!? None of the new menu items read as dangerous or cutting edge -- especially if you watch the Food Network -- SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT1?!? Argh, okay.

Last, and this is just a weird thing that probably only I noticed, but like all these movies seemed to go out of their way to do mixed racial castings, which is a good thing, but then they also seem to have not made any adjustments for that in terms of story.

In this one, the love interest/chef is played by a Canadian actor of Filipino ancestry -- but his character name is Preston Weaver. Preston. PRESTON. PRESTON. There are also repeated references in the story to cooking for and with his grandmother, but no mention, not even one, that maybe her cooking wasn't American-style food? I mean, it is perfectly possible for a person to have their family immigrant story have happened so long ago, that even their grandparent doesn't make traditional foods from their country of ethnic origin, but it also seems WEIRD. Like some sort of weird white washing??? idk. Jury is still out on this I guess. I just don't think it would have killed them to reference one Filipino recipe or technique, especially since that's a pretty rich food culture. You know, as compared with making a main plot point that the fucking LOBSTER BISQUE keeps selling out.

(Is there a whiter word than bisque? I don't fucking think so).

I HAVE GONE ON TOO LONG. THE NEXT ONE.

Designing Christmas (2022) - Alright, I'm running out of steam and so I'm gonna make this one quick. This one cameos that dark haired lady from Love it or List it not sure her name not looking it up (Hilary???). This one is about a couple who work as a designer/contractor pair on a reality show and in order to save their failing show they decide their last show of the season will be a restoration of her family's old home that she just purchased and SURPRISE TO NO ONE WHO WATCHES THESE SHOWS there's a crack in the foundation blahblahblah WHO CARES!?

NO ONE.

This one really suffers from the fact that the male lead is just boring.

Honestly, that's a theme throughout these movies. The male leads are super weak and boring. Tepid. Just absolutely forgettable characters played by actors who are deciding whether the fuck to fire their agents.

What's weird about this one is the way that the production really styles it after a reality show -- even including those restoration classic before and after reveals. But that is nothing on the last one......

A Christmas Open House (2022) -- Alright the cameos in this one are that Hometown Whatever couple who have been "restoring" houses in their hometown in someplace in the south and by restoring, I mean flipping but under the guise of home restoration.

ANYHOW - the plot is that this big city house stager teams up with a realtor to sell her family home to make sure her mom gets the best purchase price on the sale. It's just like those old Christmas classics that really capture the Christmas spirit - A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life. You know. Really in that anti-capitalist vein.

Deeeeeeeep sigh.

So... I don't even know how to say this. But this movie involves a Christmas miracle.

See, it turns out the house stager accidentally gave the furniture company the wrong credit card number, so the day before the showing ON CHRISTMAS the furniture people came and took back all of the perfectly staged furniture and GASP knocked down the (fake) Christmas tree! WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO1?!? HOW ARE THEY EVER GONNA SELL THE HOUSE ON CHRISTMAS NOW!?$!

BUT IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

The whole town shows up to bring them furniture that they can use to stage the house before the potential buyers arrive. Like... they show up with their odds and ends so that the house can be staged. SO THAT THE HOUSE CAN BE STAGED FOR SALE. Are... are you guys with me here? The miracle that the whole town rallied behind was bringing FURNITURE to STAGE A HOUSE. FOR SALE.

I just... I am walking away.

We are so fucking far from Dickens here we might as well be in a new fucking holiday.

And we are.

Because that's the whole point of all of these movies.

It's not Christmas.

It's American Christmas.

For all the shit that the nostalgic, small-town worshipping Christmas movies get this time of year, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these movies are more insidious. Instead of blatantly trying to valorize the small town spirit, the support of family and friends, and getting back to your roots, these movies are like the Scooby Doo villain of Christmas movies. Rip off the mask at the end for the big reveal:

IT WAS CAPITALISM ALL ALONG!?!?

Anyhow, I don't know who was supposed to read these scripts before they became movies, but everyone involved will probably be laughing all the way to the bank.

Don't watch these. They're not funny enough to be worth the soul-gutting feeling of realizing what these movies are for.

Nothing.

Empty.

Spiritless.

Candy-coated capitalism.

#ptpt reviews #long post #not sorry #ptpt has opinions #i have actually watched some good ones #but this ain't it

[staygoldsquatchling02]

advice

so, this is going to be a long post and pretty venty, if you have advice its appreciated but i just need to get this of my chest. To make a long story short really quick before I get into it, i think I'm close to cutting off my best friend of two years. If you want to know more keep reading.

In July of 2021 my parents and I decided to move away from our family in Oregon to live with my mom's best friend at the time in Nevada. For the most part it was because we needed a change of scenery and have always gravitated towards the desert having spent a few years in Arizona. The only people we knew at the time here were my mom's best friend, his 24-year-old son, and his mom. we moved in with them so we could get settled and then start looking for a place.

Living with them was hell, my mom's ex best friend was a drunk who treated everyone like trap and didn't have a job, his mom had like twenty cats and the house smelled like cat piss. The drunk spent all his money on booze instead of paying rent including money my family had given him for rent. I had even taken out a payday loan so we wouldn't get kicked out right before Christmas 2021. He was also a narcist and tried to assault my mother multiple times when my father was at work. It sucked to live with them, but I'll come back to it later.

back to friend problem. From the time we got to Nevada, I was looking for work, I finally got a job at the beginning of Augst, and I started working quickly glad to be away from the drunk. Shortly after starting work I met a new employee who was the first person i have met here my age. I introduced myself and started a friendship. We would talk all the time at work, and she was the first person at the job to know I was trans and accept me. (I was out before I just was scared to come out at new job because I didn't know how people would react)

For a while she was just a work friend and then I invited her to go see the Jujutsu Kaisen movie because I had seen it once loved it and thought she would like it. She loved it and started to really get into anime. We also started to hang out outside of work. Going to movies and the mall, just being normal 19-year-olds.

Fast forward to June of 2022, and the drunk I mentioned before had gotten evicted from the house we were staying in. I had to leave work an hour into my shift to help get my important things out of the house right away. My parents, the drunk and I spent the whole day trying to find a hotel to stay in with five dogs, and two cats. When we finally found one, I had to take out another payday loan to pay for it. After two days in the hotel, we had to condense from two rooms to just one. We had to surrender two of our dogs because they didn't get along with the drunks two dogs and that hurt a lot. But me not liking the drunk at all asked my friend if I could stay with her for a bit while we got back on our feet.

She agreed and so I moved into her spare bedroom. Now i wasn't staying there and just leaching off of her I was helping as much as I could. I was buying gas and sending her money every payday to help pay for things. I even door dashed food most nights because with our work schedule it was hard to make food at home. But she wasn't the only one I was helping, I had my own car payment and phone bill to pay so I was paying every month, and I was also giving my parents money for gas and food, because my dad had lost his job and was struggling picking up work.

When I was living with her, she had made multiple comments about how i shouldn't be supporting my parents and how they just needed to suck it up and find jobs. Mind you my mom had just broken her back, not bad enough to paralyze her but still broke her back, she also has preexisting medical conditions that make so she can't work and was in the middle of filling for social security disability. and my dad was helping her and was trying to find work.

there were other things she did that pissed me off, like if she had decided to order food for dinner, she expected me to pay her for my part even though i never made her pay me for buying her food. she would get upset with me if i forgot to close a door in the apartment, not the front door just any door, like to a bedroom or the bathroom.

eventually the things at the hotel with the drunk got really bad. My dad had accepted a job from one of his friends to drive them to Mexico and unfortunately my mom couldn't go because she lost her social security card and so she wouldn't have been able to cross back to the u.s so she stayed at the hotel with the drunk. On the second day my dad was gone I got a call from my mom at like 10pm saying that the drunk had tried to sa her and she was now spending the night sitting outside. she had called my dad and unfortunately, he was in Mexico and couldn't leave till his friends got paid and so he had to spend the night worrying for her. My uncle back in Oregon sent my mom the money for a hotel room so she was safe for the night but that was the final straw for them. When my dad got back the next day having driven straight through not stopping except for gas and food, my parents decided that they were going to drive to Oklahoma because my dad's family has land out there. They asked if I wanted to go but at the time, I just wanted to stay in Nevada where i had a job and was safe being me, knowing that my family in Oklahoma was not friendly towards the lgbtq.

My parents left like two days later and i had a mental break down. It hurt a lot for my parents to be so far away from me. I was raised as family is number one and by not going with them in my head i was abandoning them and vice versa. I was alone, none of my family was even in the same state as me, sure i had my roommate and coworkers to talk to but you have a different connection to family.

About a week after my parents left for Oklahoma, they called to tell me that Oklahoma wasn't going to work because there was no house on the land it was just a field, and they would have to get a mobile home to live there. With the realization it wasn't going to work the decided to go back to Oregon and live with my mom's mom and brother. They asked if I wanted them to come back through Nevada and pick me up on the way there but again, I thought I was better staying with my friend. I told them no and they went back to Oregon without me. This all happened around the middle of August, and I thought i was making the right choices.

When the end of September, the separation anxiety from my parents was becoming too much to deal with and I was struggling in every sense of the word. My job had gone to shit, my managers where fired and they had been like an extra pair of parents to me, one of my coworkers who I also as like a parent or weird uncle was treating me like trash, and money stress was coming up more often with the friend I was staying with because I was still helping my parents with money. So when my parents called again asking if I wanted to go back to Oregon I actually thought about it.

I had told them i had to think about it and talk to my friend about it because I didn't want to just leave her hanging like that, we had been talking about maybe getting a cheaper apartment together. When i told my friend about it she told that i was going to do what i thought was best, but she thought it was dumb. she told me I was only thinking about it because it's my family. She was right in the fact i was thinking about making my family happy, but I was also trying to make a choice that would make her happy.

Eventually I decided it was best for me to go home. I would have my family, and I would be able to see some of my friends from high school as opposed to only having the one friend. the only thing is I had told my parents not to come get me until the end of October. I did this because back in august I purchased tickets to see Panic at the disco with my friend, because they were one of our favorite bands and it would be a once in a lifetime thing. I didn't want to cancel that; it was her first concert and I wanted to experience it with her. I had them wait until the week after the concert to come get me. In the month between my choice and me going home, me and my friend did so much together. We went to rein fair, we went to a Japanese steak house, hell we even went to the only 18+ strip club in Nevada just to say we went. we had fun but we still had tension because i was leaving.

When i left she made me promise to call all the time and text all the time which I did. I tried to make it so at least once a week we spent the whole day on discord playing video games or watching anime. I tried to make it like nothing changed even if we were 800 miles apart. I didn't even realize at the time that I was making all the first moves, i was the one sending the first text I was the one asking if she wanted to do something. looking back at this situation now I'm realizing it wasn't a healthy time but more on that later.

Around a week before Christmas, i had gone out with my friends from high school and had a great time, we had lunch and i bought them each a present for having been good friends through a lot of shit i dealt with in high school. I thought we had a great time, only to find out when i got home they had blocked me on everything. my closest friends from the last six years had cut me off like i meant nothing to them. looking for support and comfort i told my only other friend, the one in Nevada. she acted like she cared that i was broken from it, but she also made comments about how if i had just stayed with her it wouldn't have hurt as bad when they blocked me, that i wouldn't have cared if i was still in Nevada. I agreed with her, but looking back now she was gaslighting me.

Fast forward to the end of January and my grandmother's health is dropping and the apartment we are all staying in is trying to find any reason to kick us out. We talked as a family and decided that it would be best for my grandmother to move to Nevada where there is a better healthcare network, and it would also benefit my mom's health. I was excited to tell, my friend i was coming back and how we could do all the things we talked about doing before, like going to pride, and going to movies again. But when I did finally call and tell her I didn't receive quite the response I was hoping for. here's a brief summary of how it went from her. "Cool I'm glad you're coming back but, what's your plan, are you getting place before you get here, are you looking for work, are you going to live with your family or are you going to live with me. if you live with me know that you can't change your mind in a month." And just a constant stream of questions. I understand that it was valid to ask but then she followed up saying it was dumb to have moved back to Oregon if i was just going to go back in a few months. She was discrediting every response i gave with "well what if your family messes up again, i can't have you move back in with me if you guys do get kicked out." it was like she is expecting my family to fail.

It only got worse when I finally got back. We got a house here in Nevada in March and packed all our stuff and came down. After about a week of being back I had fallen back to old routines of going to hang out with her all the time. I was spending every weekend at her place because I was stressed out at home. My grandma had gotten into town and was immediately taken to the hospital and even now five months later she has spent more time in the hospital than time at home, but that's beside the point. Everyone in my family was stressed the first two months because it was taking a bit of time for me to find work. Spending all my time with my friend had resulted in us coming up with the plan of getting an apartment together because my mental health was crashing living with my family.

We decided that we wanted to find a place by the end of July because that was when my friends current lease would be up. I had found a part time job at the beginning of June and was naive enough to think that it would be enough. so throughout the month of June we looked at places, I thought it was going to work out. I was wrong. As it got closer to July, I realized I wasn't going to have any money to put towards a place, the housing market is shit and a part time job was not enough to even think about getting a place. I had also started taking my adhd medication again that i had been off of for about six months. With my mental state evening out I figured out that moving out was impulsive and not the right choice at the time. Even though I figured it out I was to scared to tell my friend this.

Until one day after we had gone to look at an apartment and she came over to my house to have dinner and talk more about our plans. We spent a few hours in my room, and the whole time I couldn't help but listen to what she was saying and think damn I can't move in with this person. She wasn't talking about us getting a place she was telling me I needed to cut my family off. She told me multiple time in an hour that I needed to get a new phone plan with just me on it and stop paying for my parents phones, mind you i wasn't forced to pay for their phones I offered to get a phone plan with them because it was the easiest thing to do and they were helping me pay for it. She was also telling me that i have to force them to teach me how to drive so she won't be the only one able to drive when we get a place. (I never learned to drive because i had priorities like school and helping raise my niece and nephew.) she then started talking shit about how we use or garage for storage and not for parking our cars, and how my parents need to stop smoking so that then maybe we would have more money for food. Like i will be the first to say yes, my parents need to stop smoking, and yes it would take some stress off of getting money for food but that's not her place.

After she realized I was getting irritated with the conversation she left, and we didn't speak for a week. When we did finally speak again, she called me crying because she didn't want to lose our friendship. I believed her. I thought it was just a call to iron out our feelings. I told her how I felt that I wasn't ready to move out because of my financial situation and my mental health. I told her that i didn't want to move in with her and put her through what she went through with her last roommate. (She had moved out with a friend and two months later the friend just up and left leaving her to deal with the apartment alone.) It sounded like she understood and was grateful for me telling the truth and backing out before we got too deep. or at least i thought she was for a while.

We started talking more and watching anime again. hell, we even joined a discord server about one of our animes and have made some awesome friends online. We talk nearly every day again and I thought things were great until two weeks ago.

One of her friends that she had introduced me to that i get along with invited the both of us to go swimming and of course i agreed, i love swimming and it would be nice to get out of the house. So, we went. While at the pool I had gotten out to go to the bathroom and left them to talk. When i got back to the pool they were talking about my friend's life. they were talking about how my friend is struggling with paying her rent and how she wishes she could find a cheaper place.

The friend we were at the pool with said that her and her fiancé were thinking of moving out of her mom's house because it to crowded and offered to plan to get a place with her. But my friend said no because she has ptsd from roommates bailing on her in the past. I knew she was talking about me but her friend thought she was talking about her first roommate, because we never directly said we were roommates because it was never official. My friend then said it's that and the fact that (op) did the same thing, they left for Oregon and they recently canceled our plans to get a place together. I understand that she may feel like i wronged her in some way but to phrase it that way hurt. she can feel upset but i thought we had moved past it.

Later that same day she told me that i don't talk to her when i have problems, which is true to an extant, i used to talk to her when i had problems with stuff she did but recently I've stopped because if i bring something up she does wrong she throws back at me saying it's my fault in some way. for example we watch anime through discord because it's easier than figuring out how to get to her house with her car broke down and me not driving. As of recently something has been going wrong where audio from her end is patchy and it gets hard to hear her. I've checked everything on my end, I have uninstalled and reinstalled discord, i have checked my headset but everything is fine when I'm not talking to her, audio is fine nothing cuts out. I have told her all of this, but of course she says she has done the same thing and therefore it has to be something on my end, it's my fault that it sounds like she is talking to me from a different room than where her mic and computer are because her headset is full charged and working fine corroding to her computer.

It feels like everything i do is wrong. I even feel that way about my taste in anime at this point. You see I like a very specific type of anime, the ones where the main character is an underdog who either can't do what everyone else can or just hasn't been introduced to the lore of the world yet, who eventually find their place and become strong, but not in a boom you are now the best of the best way but in a here's how to become the best, you have to work for it kinda way. for example, My hero academia, and Jujutsu Kaisen. these are my two favorites; my friend will watch them with me but has to point out every time that all my shows have very similar plots. She has taken it upon herself to have me watch animes that don't fit this profile, for example we just started watching banana fish and don't get me wrong i like to try new things and I'm enjoying it but what i don't like is in the first nine episodes she has made multiple comments about how it's nice to watch something without an underdog main character who has the same energy as a puppy. I understand having separate opinions is normal but constantly point out how she doesn't like the exact same stuff as me is bit much.

I've just been rethinking everything. I realized that i have stopped doing a lot of things i used to because of her. I stopped watching anime on my own, if i want to watch something i always text her and see if she wants to watch it. I stopped talking to one of my other ex-coworkers that i got along with because she doesn't really like her. I've also begun to realize that this is a lot of the same stuff my mom was going through with her Ex best friend. he constantly made her feel bad about things she liked, made her feel bad because she uses weed as pain relief (it's legal here), he hated on her family all the time. I can't help but feel like it's happening to me. She judges what i watch, she judges the fact that i vape (again i know not healthy but my bod my choice), she judges my family (even the ones she has never met) and if i did any of this in return i would be the bad guy. If i told her that i don't like how her dad talks to her, or how i don't like that she pushes me to my breaking point at the gym(not just past my limits but i have nearly passed out at the gym because she thinks that at 300 pounds and never having been to the gym before I can keep up with her 150 pound gym rat self.) she would tell me that I'm being mean and that i hurt her feelings.

My parents have told me multiple time i need to tell her that i feel this way and need to cut contact or at least limit it by a lot, but i don't know how. I don't expect anyone to actually read all of this as it took me almost two hours to right but I just needed to get it off my chest. if she sees it then she will know who she is and probably have a problem but im tired of bottling things up. If you do end up reading this and have advice, please share but for now I'm going to hope I can find a therapist soon to help me with coping mechanisms and get past this.

#vent post #personal vent #tw vent #vent

[missymurphy1985]

The Lesson

After breaking up with your long-term boyfriend, you finally found the courage to enrol at university, studying Modern Theatre. Your life now taking an unexpected detour to its original plan of marriage, babies, settling down. This is going to be an interesting year.

Tag List (message me to be added): @queenshelby @peakyscillian @ntmynouis @margoo0 @cloudofdisney

Warnings - smut / teacher.student relationship

Main Characters - Cillian Murphy (he's 35 and single for the purpose of this fic, no children)

"Hey!!! Over here!!" You heard Sarah, your best friend, shouting from the other side of the hall and made your way over.

"Thank god, I was starting to think I'd gone to the wrong place! This place is huge!!" You laughed as you hugged each other. Your bag slung over your shoulder, you linked arms with Sarah with your other arm as you made your way down to the Lecture Theatre.

"So how are you feeling?" Sarah asked.

"Nervous! I never, in a million years, thought I'd be doing this! I feel so old!" You laughed. At 26, you were easily the oldest student here, but Sarah laughed your worries away.

"Trust me, you're not. Once they revealed who the teacher was going to be this semester, a fair few extra people signed up to do that course y/n!" You looked at her confused.

"What, Mr Allen?? He's about 75 isn't he?" Sarah laughed again and left you at the door to your classroom, making her way to her own Design Studio at the bottom of the corridor to teach her own class.

"You'll see when you get inside!" She called behind her, smiling.

You took your seats near the front of the room, looking behind you you could see a gaggle of ladies in the back corner, all of them easily over the age of 40 with no clear interest at all in the subject at hand. They were all giggling like children.. this was going to be fun, you thought, rolling your eyes. Turning back round, you caught a glimpse of a dark haired man making his way through the door at the back of the room. As he made his way to the desk in the centre of the stage area in front of the students, you couldn't help but gasp a little. Jesus he was cute....

The ladies at the back squealed in delight and the man rolled his eyes.

"Right then, let's make a few things clear from the off shall we folks?" He spoke, his Irish accent booming through the auditorium. Everyone fell silent.

"I have a passion for the arts - I've been involved with them since I was 19. I'm here to teach you all I've learned over the last 16years and I plan on teaching it to like minded, dedicated people. People who want to make a career out of the beauty that is theatre. Those of you here simply to catch a glimpse of anything OTHER than a teacher doing his job, the doors at the back of the room." He stood still, leaning against the desk. The gasp at the back of the room was so loud, you couldn't help but giggle a little. Busted ladies. They all whispered to each other, a few of them glaring in the man's direction as they made their way to the back of the room. Slowly but surely, a few others also left sheepishly, men included, and you couldn't help but notice the man smiling a little underneath his floppy brown hair and round glasses. Who was this man??

"Now that's taken care of, I'm hoping I'm left with students that are here to learn the theatre and nothing else..." He paused, looking round the room. His eyes met yours and he paused for a second, raising his eyebrow slightly. You were now the oldest in the room, and you felt even more out of place. You kept a straight face, and maintained the eye contact with him. He wasn't bullying YOU out of here, you didn't care who he THOUGHT he was.

"Right... Well we'd better get going then!" His demeanour changed, he smiled broadly clapping his hands together. "My name's Cillian Murphy - please for the love of God call me Cillian... Mr Murphy is my Dad and I'm not quite ready for that level of old yet." A few chuckles in the room - that tension was gone. "This isn't the first time I've done a class like this, and I've had to evict people part way through for.. ah.. shall we say inappropriate behaviour. Wanted to nip that in the bud from the offset, so I apologise to you all now for the way the class started. Now, do you all have the textbooks the school sent out last month? Let's start on page 35 shall we?" The class, including you, opened the books in unison to find the chapter on Lighting and Sound. Cillian glanced back over at you, a look of uncertainty on his face. You could feel him staring, but refused to look up at him.

"So how are your classes going y/n?" Your mum walked into your apartment to find you studying, book one side, laptop the other and you making notes in the middle of your desk in the corner of the room. You'd given her a key a month prior so she could let your dog, Juno, out during the day while you were at uni.

"It's hard work! I had no idea there was so much to learn about the theatre, they make it look so easy!!"

Your mum laughed and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on for you both. Kicking back, you allowed yourself a break after 3 hours studying and met your mum at the small breakfast bar.

"I hear you have a new teacher too? Cillian Murphy?"

"Yeah, he's amazing! He's been there and done it all mum, the stories he tells are fascinating!"

"You know who he is, right?" You did know. You'd googled him when you got home after that first lesson. Pretty big hot shot actor, but you weren't bothered. He seemed pretty down to earth and normal to you.

"Yep I know - you'd never think it though, he's so... Normal I guess?"

"Cute too."

"Mother! Behave!" You both giggled. You couldn't deny he was very attractive though - but you could tell he was a professional. No way had he even looked at you that way - in fact you were convinced he thought you were there purely for him, rather than the course, so you were even more determined to pass this semester with flying colours to prove a point.

The following weeks were filled with more information than you could get your head around. You hated to admit it, but you were struggling to keep up. You hated admitting defeat, but you were really starting to wonder if you could carry on at this pace. Your work was starting to slip, and Cillian had noticed it too, much to your dismay. He'd called a 1-2-1 with you this afternoon, and you were convinced he was going to pull you from the course. You knocked on the door of his office, the defeat written all over your face.

"Come in y/n.."

"Hi.." you tried to smile as you sat across from him. He had your latest piece of coursework in front of him on the desk and he was leaning back in the chair, eyeing you through the rims of his round glasses. Standing up, he made his was over to the drinks cabinet in the corner of the room and pulled out a bottle of Irish Whiskey. You watched him, silently, as he put two glasses on the desk.

"Shouldn't be drinking this during the day, but felt the need. Want one?" You smiled, nodding your head.

"Conversation is clearly not going to be a fun one, no?"

"What makes you say that? I'm just lightening the mood y/n, you walked in here looking like you were going to either cry or knock me out!" He laughed, and offered you the glass. You took it, and sat it in your hands. Your fingers connected and you forced down a gasp at the contact. You'd refused to show him any kind of attraction but it was difficult while he was sat so close to you.

"Listen, I know I'm falling behind Cillian, I'll make it up I promise -"

"Stop. It's okay. Yes, your marks are dropping slightly, but not by much, okay? I'm seeing real potential in you. I invited you here to talk to you about some extra classes to help bump you back to where you need to be. What do you say?" He took a sip of the whiskey and so did you. Relief washing through you as the warm liquid fell down your throat. Hopefully it hid the blush in your cheeks.

"Um.. wow... Okay.. yeah! That'd be great, thank you!" He smiled again. God that smile... Stop it y/n.. he's your teacher, stop.. he sat back down at his desk and handed you a book.

"Great! I've put my phone number on the inside cover. Have a read of this, and call me when you're done. I think you'll like it." You took the book and smiled. A history of Modern Theatre. You agreed, definitely an interesting read.

"Is it classed as 'appropriate' for a teacher to give a student his phone number, Cillian?" You smirked, referring to his opening outburst on that first day. He chuckled.

"Maybe not, but I'm not a teacher, I'm an actor helping out the local university for a semester while the actual teacher takes a leave of absence." You'd heard Mr Allen had fallen ill, Cillian was just a temporary stand in for three months. Nothing permanent. "I have a new job starting in January, I'll be done here by Christmas." You couldn't help but feel a bit sad at the thought of him not being around anymore. Without admitting it, you'd looked forward to seeing him every day in class. He stood again, and raised his glass in a toast. You raised yours.

"What are we drinking to?"

"You. We're drinking to you y/n. I'm telling you, I'm seeing some real potential with you - you're going far, just need to focus more on the content, that's all." You blushed again.. was that the reason you were distracted? Him? Maybe. "Meet me back here tonight, around 4:30? Should be done with marking by then, we can make a start?" You agreed, a nervous knot forming in your stomach.

**************************************

You'd been having your 1-2-1 meetings with Cillian for more than a month now, and your marks were certainly improving. You had finished the book he gave you, but you hadn't plucked up the courage to text him yet. Watching TV alone in your apartment one evening, you downed your third glass of wine and picked up your phone. He wouldn't have given you the number if he didn't expect you to use it, come on y/n...

"Hey Cillian? Just letting you know I finished the book. Really good read, thank you! I'll have it back with you in the morning. And thank you for spending time with me helping to improve my marks too, it's really helped. Y/n x" pressing send, you cursed yourself, why the hell did you put a X at the end!!! You cursed again when it was delivered... Then again when its status changed to 'read'... Oh crap... A reply.

"Glad you liked it! It's been a pleasure, you're doing a great job! Cx." He put one on his text too... Come on y/n, you're not a teenager anymore, get a grip of yourself!!! Your phone pinged again.

"Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow xx" 2 kisses? Ping.. "Maybe we can finish more than your coursework.x" What did that mean? Was he flirting with you?

"What did you have in mind? X"

"There's still half a bottle of whiskey in the cupboard, shame to let it go to waste X"

"I don't think you'd be able to keep up with me Cillian 😉" you typed, feeling a bit braver.

"Challenge accepted y/n. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon X" you knew his stint at the university was coming to a close, was he flirting with you?

****************************************

You knocked Cillian's office door at 4:30 sharp, knowing how much of a stickler he was for punctuality. You felt nervous, after your texts last night you didn't know what to expect - was he flirting or were you just overthinking it? The door opened, and he stood aside to welcome you in, a smile on his face as he greeted you.

"Good to see you y/n, come on in!" He walked to the cabinet in the corner. "I never turn down a challenge, you in?" You smiled, nodding, as he poured two glasses.

"Good job I left the car at home this morning," you chuckled as he brought his glass to meet yours. Both of you sinking it down in one, you grimaced as the liquid slipped down your throat and he took the glass from you to pour another.

"We'll take this one a bit slower y/n, what do you say?" His eyes darkened slightly, the alcohol clearly having an effect. You couldn't help the warm feeling running through your groin as he licked his lips to clear them of the whiskey remnants that sat on them.

"Whatever you say sir.." he glanced up at you as you said 'sir', and leaned against the desk.

"Sir? Since when did you call me sir?" He tilted his head back slightly, glass swirling in his hand. You sipped your drink and stood to face him, confidence growing. You could see his attraction towards you, and you decided to go with it.

"Since you decided to try and seduce your student... Sir." He swallowed hard, the game clearly up, watching you take a step towards him. Your bodies inches apart, he brought his hand up to rest on your hip, pulling you that little bit closer.

"Probably shouldn't have put kisses on a text to your teacher, then, should you.."

"Probably shouldn't have given me your phone number then, should you.." the air was hot now, your bodies touching gently, your breathing becoming deeper. You brought your hands to his chest, over his shoulders, and he quickly spun you round so you were now sat on his desk. His lips found yours and he ground his hips against your core, your legs parted allowing him access, skirt hitched up to your waist.

"I've wanted you since that first day... Fuck y/n you're beautiful... Sexy... Smart..." He kissed your neck between each word, breathing becoming hot and heavy. Suddenly stopping, he kissed your lips before making his way to the door, turning the key in the lock, before coming back to finish what you started. Unbuttoning your blouse and opening it, his hand snaked around your breasts, underneath the black lace bra. Groaning slightly, he moved his hands lower, down your abdomen.

"Leave as much on as possible... I'm taking you on this desk, right now.. you okay with that?"

"Like I said sir, I don't know if you'll be able to keep up with me.." your leg pushed him away slightly as you stood up, pushing him against the wall. You sank to your knees, taking his trousers and boxer shorts down with them, his cock springing up, twitching, begging for attention. Gasping, he watched you lick a circle around the swollen head, down the shaft, before taking one of his balls into your mouth and sucking lightly. His hand in your hair now, pulling it gently as he groaned. You continued teasing him with your tongue, before taking the tip of his cock into your mouth, giving it a hard suck, releasing it with a pop, sending his head back against the wall.

"Fuck... Take it y/n.. take it down..." You smiled, before sinking your mouth over his cock, all the way down the back of your throat, groaning into it sending shockwaves through him.

"Lets see how much you can take..." You sucked harder, not giving him time to react. Moving your head quickly up and down his shaft, you felt your core begin to leak, you'd never felt as turned on in your life as you did right now. You felt his legs start to shake...

"Yes.. fuck yes... Feels so good baby... Suck it... Harder.. god fuck yes..." His balls tightened, you could feel him trying to pull back but you held him firm with your hands on his hips, willing him to empty into you. "I'm gonna... You might... Jesus.... Fuck...." He came hard, gripping your hair for support as he came hard, you felt his cum shoot in the back of your throat and swallowed as much as you could, some of it spilling down your chin. You pulled your mouth away, holding your mouth slightly open so he could see his cum on your tongue before swallowing it back down.

"That was... My god... Fuck y/n..."

"Oh you will sir, you definitely will. I'm not done with you yet.." you stood up and sat back on the desk, legs parted again to reveal your core to him, completely bare. He didn't see you remove your underwear while you were sucking him, but he wasn't complaining. Gathering himself, he moved to stand between your legs and pulled your lips to his, kissing you passionately, tasting a little of himself in the process and feeling surprisingly aroused from it. He moved his mouth down to your core, running his tongue along your open slot painfully slowly.

"Cillian... Please... Need to cum...."

"You will, baby, oh you will..." You moved your hands to his soft, floppy hair and pulled his face where you needed it. He loved you taking control and took your clit with his tongue, pressing it, rolling it around his tongue as he felt you begin to shake. You lifted a leg onto the desk to give him better access, and he inserted two fingers inside you, tipping them up to meet your g spot deep inside, emitting a sharp cry from you as you three your head back.

"Yes!!! Oh god yes... Right there... Fuck!!" Your hips were involuntarily rolling against his face now, riding his tongue as he brought you more pleasure than you thought was possible. Within minutes, your orgasm was building, and sensing it, he pumped his fingers harder against that one spot that was making you see stars. Three pumps and you came hard against his face, liquid flowing from you like a waterfall, hitting the floor underneath you as you screamed Cillians name. He leaned back on his ankles, watching you coming undone, smiling. Once you'd caught your breath, your eyes fell onto his his.

"Feeling proud of yourself there Mr Murphy?" You smiled. He stood between your thighs again.

"Extremely. But I'm not done with you yet. Turn around y/n." His blue eyes darker now. Your core throbbed, knowing what was coming. Standing up, turning round, you bent over his desk, his hands parting your legs. Taking a condom from his bag behind him, you heard the packet rip open and you rotated your hips, teasing him. He groaned deeply as he started to push his length into you, inch by inch.

"Ohh... Oh god..." You weren't ready for his size, you legs parting as much as possible. Inch by inch he pushed, allowing you to adjust, before bottoming out, his balls resting near your still throbbing clit.

"I'm gonna fuck you hard against this desk, y/n... You're gonna take every thrust like the good girl you are..." You bucked your hips up and he responded by pulling his cock nearly out, and thrusting back in powerfully enough to make you scream his name. Picking up the pace, he leaned over to grab your hair in his hand, giving it a sharp tug as he thrust into you from behind over and over, relentlessly.

"Harder... Cillian harder!!! Fucking... Oh god yes!!!" Loving the sound of your cries and the feel of your pussy contracting around his cock, he knew you were close to another orgasm.

"Rub yourself... Rub your clit baby, make yourself cum for me..." You reached a hand round to your core and found that bundle of nerves. Circling it hard, your orgasm built up again and you swore you saw stars.

"Good girl.... That's it baby... Let it go, I've got you... Let it go...." That was all you needed to hear. You came hard, and he couldn't hold back once he felt your walls contracting round him. "I'm... Oh y/n yes... Yes!" He stilled, you felt his cock pulsate, filling the condom. Both of you breathless, he fell forwards resting against your back.

He pulled out gently, pulling the condom off and disposing of it in the bin, he chuckled slightly.

"Remind me to empty the bin before we leave... I don't think the cleaner will expect to see that in there in the morning!" You laughed too, standing up to face him.

"That was incredible... Just amazing..." You rested your head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around your waist, kissing your hair gently.

"I enjoyed that too y/n.. and I'd really like to see you again, if you'll let me?"

"I'd like that..." You smiled. You'd convinced yourself if anything happened it would probably be a one time thing, I mean he was a famous actor, what would he want with you? You had no illusions going into this.

"My teaching finishes here in 2 weeks - what do you say I take you out for dinner when it's done?"

"Sounds like a plan Cillian. But am I supposed to stay away until then?"

"Definitely not, y/n, we've still got a few 1-2-1 sessions to squeeze in before I leave..." He leaned down to kiss you, pushing you back against the desk again. His erection pressing against your core again. "It would appear I'm able to keep up after all y/n..."

#cillian smut #cillian x fem!reader #cillian teacher x you #cillian murphy #cillian x reader #cillian x smut

[strangesmallbard]

no i don’t celebrate christmas. but my grandma and grandpa celebrated christmas, because they mainly associated with goyim who celebrated christmas, because they were both raised in orthodox households and wanted to rebel from their parents. i don’t celebrate christmas, but every year my grandma laid our presents out in front of the fireplace and someone always got a joke gift. we didn’t always get together on christmas day because the date didn’t matter as much as the sound of ripping paper, my cousins following around my baby steps around the house.

no, i don’t celebrate christmas. in 2015, my mom, my dad, and i saw star wars: the force awakens in theaters on christmas day. we went to starbucks beforehand. we opened presents in the living room now, and my grandma became a reluctant participant. i watched her carefully pry open the ribbon. she told me, don’t get old. we lit candles, because it was also hanukkah. it was an afterthought. i could still taste peppermint mocha on my lips.

no, i don’t celebrate christmas. two years ago i spent christmas eve in cedar sinai hospital in west hollywood, los angeles. the cancer wing was the kind of basalt grey and cool blue you’d expect. there was a machine in the waiting room that made watery coffee. there was an unlit menorah next to a sedate poinsettia. my dad’s doctor had a firm handshake, a kind smile. when my dad asked to see his brain scans after christmas was over, he complied.

i hugged my dad in the hospital parking garage before we left. he was too tired from radiation to acknowledge the day. that night, our hosts prepared a feast for us, warm and warm and warm. my dad apologized for dipping out early, said he might not make it for christmas. i wanted to say, the day doesn’t matter.

no, i don’t celebrate christmas. but the last time i heard my dad’s voice it was on this 1997 home tape and he told the camera, this is stephanie’s first christmas, only sleepy pride in his voice. he helped me open a present. my cousin jumped up on the fireplace mantle and sang, using a bow and wad of tinsel as a make-believe microphone. in 2014, we did christmas eve on the 23rd because my uncle’s family would be vacationing on the 25th, so i wound up spending the night at my dad’s apartment. there was a raucous party next door, so my dad strummed chords on his fender guitar in retaliation, amp on. i thought we might get evicted. we had cherry pie.

no, i don’t celebrate christmas. but one year, i tagged along with my friends while they went tree-shopping for their apartment. i walked between the rows and pretended i was in the forest, adventuring. i placed the first ornament on the tree and ate cookies and provided silly commentary on the muppet’s christmas carol. i fell asleep thinking the string lights were stars. i wondered if they’d celebrate hanukkah with me, if i asked them to.

no, i don’t celebrate christmas. this year, i woke up at 11:00 and made eggs with turkey bacon. i downloaded a new video game on steam and started a puzzle with my mom. she strummed half-remembered chords of a song on my guitar she and my dad liked, something by bob dylan. we talked about christmas with grandma and grandpa in front of the fireplace. we agreed nothing would compare.

#yell.txt #idk what this is!

[janicho88]

Fire, Fur & Mistletoe Chapter 2

Pairing- Dean x Lisa, Eventual Dean x Female Reader.

Word Count-6,102

Warning- Mentions of: loss of parents, death, car accidents, and fires, alcoholism.  Fired from a job. Putting animals up for adoption, eviction.  Possible swearing. Slight angst. Fluff,

Summary- A rewrite of the Nine Lives of Christmas, Hallmark movie. AU, Dean is a firefighter who doesn’t do commitment, the Holiday’s don’t mean much to him.  Coming home after a shift he finds a dog in trouble.  The reader is a veterinary student who works in a coffee shop trying to make it to graduation, until someone causes problems there for her.  She isn’t interested in finding anyone other than her own dog until after she finishes school.  Do their four legged friends have other plans?

A/N- This series is written for @spnchristmasbingo.  The square filled for this chapter is Decorating.  The first two chapters will stay closer to the movie than the rest will.  

This has its own tag list and it is open.  That way I am not tagging anyone who doesn’t want to be tagged in Christmas stories.   This story is unbeta’d.

Header by the amazing @winchest09

Divider from freepngimg.com

Series Masterlist

The day after you were fired you dragged yourself to class determined to keep pushing toward your goal.  No matter how upset you might have been.  Charlie tried to distract you but it didn’t work.  You spent the night trying to study for your upcoming finals. 

Thursday, you went through the want ads and looked for any openings you would be qualified for.  The hardest part was needing flexible hours for school.  Then you prepared your resume and looked up other places in town who might have online applications you could fill out.  

Friday, Charlie reminded you of the Sweet on You party you had agreed to go to.  With everything happening you had completely forgotten, but told her you would meet her there when she didn’t back down.  Walking up the driveway to the house where tonight’s party was, you could see all the happy people inside.  You could see Charlie was laughing with a brown haired girl in the living room window.  You didn’t fit in with this group tonight, you couldn’t pretend to be happy.

Taking out your cell phone you call Charlie’s phone to leave her a message.  “Hey, I’m so sorry.  I’m not going to be able to make it to the mixer.  I hope you have fun.  I’ll see you in class.”  

Turning around you head back to your car to go home and spend the night on your couch with Dakota. 

Dean took Miracle back home, Lisa complaining about the dog the whole time.  He just tuned her out. 

Wednesday he was back at the station for a 48hr shift.  Things were a little slow, which was good in the sense that people weren’t in trouble and needing them, but it could also make for a long day.  He was in the workout room with the guys when Bobby walked in with wrapping paper.  It was for the toys that had been donated.

“No adoption huh?”  He asked, seeing Miracle sitting next to Benny.

“Not yet, Lisa is still trying.  He probably deserves a better owner than me.”

“Do you know having a dog can be good for your health?”  Cas asked.

“No, but I think I do sleep better since he’s been around.”

“You know you are going to have to choose between her and the dog, right?” Cas wanted to know.

“I’ve got an idea, brother.  How about you keep Miracle and give Lisa my number.” Benny suggested.

“I think Miracle would make a better girlfriend than Lisa. I’m not sure that will work when you and Andrea, finally get back together.” Sam threw out.

“Yeah, but who knows when that will be?  I could have some fun in the meantime.”

“You’re awful.”

“Thanks, Shaggy.”  Benny throwing out his nickname for Sam.

“Are we going to keep him around here when we’re working?  Make him our firehouse Mascot?”  Cas wanted to know.

“The other stations have Dalmatians, they might make fun of us for him.”  Benny stated.

“Who cares, makes us unique.  We don’t need to be like the others anyway.”  Bobby told them before walking over to Dean.  “So Winchester, what are you going to do?  Keep the good old boy, or let a girl push him away.  I told you, I don’t trust a girl who doesn’t like dogs.”

Dean spent the first night of the shift thinking about his options and what the guys had said. The next day at the firehouse he left Miracle at the station when he had a minute to run a quick errand, there was a stop he needed to make.

Walking into Braeden’s he looked around, but didn’t see Y/N anywhere.  So he headed up to talk to the blonde running the register.  

“Hi, I was in here a few days ago.  I’m looking for the girl who was working with you, Y/N.”

“Y/N, she was such a great person.  I miss seeing her.  She no longer works here.  She got fired.”

“What, why?  What happened?”

“Your girlfriend, Lisa.  Complained about Y/N to her dad.  I don’t think Mr Bradean really  wanted to fire her, she’s the best barista we had. She  remembers people's orders and their  favorites.  She handles the difficult ones without a problem.  The only one of  us who can get the cranberry bars just right, and this time of year they are the most popular.  His daughter is a beautiful, but horrible superficial nightmare of a person.”

“I get it.”

“She is trying to put herself through school.  She really needed this job.”

“Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that.  Do you have her number or home address, maybe?”

“Why, she doesn’t have enough problems, now you want to go burn down her house too?”

“What? No.  I want to apologize.”

“Oh really?”  Claire leans against the other counter folding her arms and glaring at Dean.

 “I didn't know Lisa did that,  I would have stopped her if I did. I’m so sorry.  Please.  I feel really awful this happened to her.  Is there any information you can give me that would help me find her?”

 “Her last name is Y/L/N, that’s all I am going to tell you about her.”

“Thank you.”

He leaves to head back to the station.  There still isn’t much going on so he grabs his computer and uses some of the down time to sit in the common room and look up Y/N Y/L/N on social media accounts.  Bobby is in the kitchen area behind working on some food.  Cas, Benny and Sam are playing cards at the long dinner table.  

“Any luck yet?  Bobby asked.

“Nope, I can’t find her anywhere.  None of these profiles on facebook,or  linked in are her.  I even searched twitter.”  

“I can’t believe Lisa got her fired.”  Cas just shook his head. 

“That’s pretty cold, man.  Maybe I don’t want her to have my number.” 

“Not a problem Benny.”

“You know, you haven’t told us anything about this girl you are trying so hard to find.”

“She is wicked smart.  I would bet she’s getting straight A’s.”

“Okay more important question here,”  Benny interrupts.  “What does she look like?”  

Cas and Sam both throw chips at him for that comment. 

“Hey, I’m curious, here?”

“She’s really pretty, but she’s the kinda girl that doesn’t know it.”

“That’s the best kind.”  Bobby tells him.

“Is she nice?”  

“Unbelievably so, she is super sweet.  She loves animals, especially dogs.”

“Okay so let’s see if I got this, she’s wicked smart.  Pretty but not full of herself, sweet with a heart of gold?”

“Yeah.”  Dean looks around and everyone is looking at him.  “What am I missing here?”

“Apparently a lot,”  his brother tells him.

“She sounds like a special person.”

Dean shrugs, “Yeah, she is I guess.”

“I have an idea.”  Sam turned to Dean.  “Why don’t you ask your girlfriend to get it from her dad.  Actually that is a conversation I would pay to watch you have with Lisa.  ‘Lisa can you get me the address of the girl you had fired so I can go apologize to her, for you being the bitch you are.  See I’m in love with her, but I haven’t figured that out for myself yet.’ “

“Are you done?”  Dean asks his brother anything but amused.

“For now,”  the younger Winchester joins in laughing with the others.

“Boy, you are a special kind of idjit.  You lot, go finish that equipment inventory.”

“Sure thing Chief, just let me beat these guys real quick.”  Looking up Benny sees Bobby’s face.  “Or now is good.” 

Bobby walks over to the table from the kitchen counter he was working at, “So, Y/N.”

“She doesn’t want to date until after she graduates and starts working.  She is nothing like the kind of girl I go out with normally, anyways.  She actually believes in true love and Marriage.”

“It’s really not that bad you know.  Don’t tell Ellen I said that.”

Dean chuckles at that, knowing how much the grumpy man really does love his wife.

“Just because things didn’t work out for your parents doesn’t mean it won’t for you.  Look at Sam and Jess.”

“It’s not what I’m looking for Bobby.”

“Then why are you here spending your time searching for this very pretty and smart girl?”

“I just want to apologize.”

“Yeah, sure.  Don’t you want a family one day?  Someone you can share the Holidays and special moments with?”

“You and the guys are my family.  You know this.”

“As close as you and your brother are, you still can’t snuggle up with me the other idjits on a cold night, after a rough shift.”

“Is that a firm no?”

Bobby just shakes his head at Dean's attempt at humor, and goes back to the kitchen.

When the shift ends Friday afternoon he takes Miracle home and tries to relax before getting some work around the house done.  He goes back Saturday for a 24 hour shift.

“It looks like the two of us are going to be stuck together for a little while.  You can stay until I finish here and sell the house.  Then you are on your own.  For now on we can come and go as we please.   You aren’t responsible for me, I’m not responsible for you,  That work for you?  Just a couple of bachelor's living together.  Good talk, let’s go watch the game.”  Miracle follows Dean into the living room, curling up in his lap.

After the game Dean heads out to get some supplies he needs to work on the house.  Lisa is in the kitchen with dinner when he arrives back home.  

“What are you doing here Lisa?  Weren’t you supposed to have a shoot today?”

“It was postponed so I came over to make you dinner, it took all day.”

“You made the food here?”  

“Yeah so it would be nice and hot when you got out.”

“Uhuh. hey have you seen Miracle? 

“No, figured it was with you.”

“He was here earlier”

“I’m sure it’s around somewhere.  Go shower I’m sure you smell like smoke.  I’ll put the food on the table.”

“My shift ended hours ago, Lisa.  I already showered.  I need to look for Miracle.”

“Miracle hey, come here dog.” she pretends to look for him.  “Guess he’s not here, let’s eat.”

“He usually greets me when I come home, he must have gotten out.  I need to go find him.”

“Why? It’s just a stupid dog, who cares?  Now come eat this delicious dinner I made.”  That puts Dean over the edge with her.

He turns back around in the doorway, “You just don’t get it do you?  Did you really have that barista from your father’s coffee shop fired?”

“Yeah, she was completely awful to me.  I can’t have that.”

“She was giving you facts about Miracles, She wasn’t doing anything to you.  You can’t just have people fired when you don’t like what they say Lisa.”

“Sure I can.  She doesn’t matter, the dog is finally gone.  Everything is just how it’s supposed to be.”  She tells him with a shrug.

“You know, I don’t think this is going to work.” 

“What?”

“You and me.”

 “Wait, are you seriously breaking up with me?”

“Yeah, yeah I guess I am.”

“I’m a model and you think you are going to break up with me?”

“You might need to get your hearing checked, yes I am.”

“You can’t do that, I'm the best thing to ever happen to you.  You are going to regret this Dean Winchester.  I won’t take you back when you come begging me to.  I spent all day making this dinner for you.  I got my hair done for you, these highlights were expensive.”

“No, you actually didn’t.  That stove isn’t connected, I just bought it. I know it doesn’t work yet, and the take out bags are sticking out of the trash outside.  Nice try though.  I’m sure the hair was for you and no one else. I think you need to go, Lisa.”

She stomps out of the room in a huff, slamming the front door when she exits.

Dean went to look for Miracle but didn’t have any luck finding him.  The backdoor wasn’t shut tight, Lisa must have done that when she took the trash out. 

Saturday was spent with your list going to all the places you found that might be looking for help, and making stops with those who had ‘Now Hiring’ signs up.  Passing some Christmas carolers in the town square you stop and listens for a moment.  You do love this time of year.   A couple of places took your resume, but others weren’t very keen to work around a school schedule.

The best you could do is just keep trying until something works in your favor. 

Sunday, morning Donna was over bright and early to start your day together.   She brought donuts and coffee with her.  Chatting with you and petting Dakota as you got yourself ready to go.  The first stop she had planned for the two of you were mani/pedi’s.  It had been a long time since you felt that relaxed.  For a little while in the chair you were able to forget about your troubles.  When you were done there the two of you visited a few shops you were passing by.  

From there you grabbed a light lunch and listened to the carolers and watched the other shoppers.  

“I should head back home to study.”

“No, we had a deal.  It’s time for your hair and makeup appointment.  Then i’m taking you to get a new dress.”

“I don’t know.”

“Hey, I know you.  I bet you already know everything you need for your exam.  You are just overthinking it. Relax.  Take some time to enjoy the Holiday season.”

“Fine.”

When your hair and nails were done she took you to a little boutique to look for a dress for the Mayor’s party.  You tried on multiple options before she handed you a black long sleeve one stopped mid thigh.

“Come on out already, I want to see it.”

You pulled the curtain back and stepped out.

“Wow, look at you girl.  Green eyes is going to flip when he sees you in this.”

“Oh no, I can’t afford this one.”

“I’m going to get it for you, I got a bonus.  You deserve to be taken care of once in a while too.”

“It’s too much.”

“Y/N, when mom and dad died, you came home to take care of me.  You put your whole life on hold, just for me.  This dress is nothing compared to that.  Please let me do this.”

You walked over to look in the mirror, Donna coming up beside you.  “You look like mom.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you do.”

Turning, you give your sister a big hug.

Leaving there you thought she was finally taking you home to study but you find her pulling into the fire station and you start to panic.  “What, what are we doing here?

“Do you really think I’m just going to take you home looking like that?  You are going to walk in there and make Green eyes faint.  Plus I want to meet him, you said he was working today.”

Dang it.  “No, no.”

“Come on, you can’t hide him forever.”

“I have to study for my final, I have to go home. Now.  Let’s go.”

“If you don’t get out and walk your but in I am going to drag you in there. Do you really want that?”  She was already unbuckling her seatbelt and going to open her door. 

“Wait! I’ll go in.  Okay I’ll go in.”

“He is going to be so surprised.”

“You have absolutely no idea how surprised.  You know what?I should really go in alone.”  Donna sits back in her seat raising her eyebrow at you.

“Why is that?”

“He’s going to see this outfit and want to grab me, and start kissing me.  One thing can lead to another.  It’ll be a little awkward with you there.  That’s not the best circumstances to meet him, when he’s making out with your older sister.  You can meet him at the Christmas party, promise.”

“Alright, fine.  I want details, I’ll wait here.”

“Oh no, that’s okay.”  Pretending to check the time.  “He’s about to get off shift, he can take me home.”

“Okay, fine.  Take care.  Have fun.”

“Thank you, and thank you for today.”

 You get out of her truck and slowly make your way up to the fire station, turning back to wave at your sister.  When she finally pulls away and you can’t see her anymore you turn and start walking back to your condo.  Great, you're in heels, this will be fun.  You don’t get too far down the road when you hear a dog bark at you.  Looking around you see a dog that looks like one you met earlier in the week.  He comes over rubbing against your bare legs and you check his collar.  Sure enough it says Miracle.  Just great.

“Hey there buddy, what are you doing out here?  Are you lost?”

Turning around and walking back to the station Miracle following along behind you.  When you step inside there are three guys working on cleaning the truck.

“Hi, sorry to bother you, I’m looking for the owner of this dog,”  You point to Miracle who is now sitting beside you.

“He’s mine!” two men call out at the same time, then turn and glare at each other.   The third with longer hair just shakes his head at them. 

“I think he belongs to someone named, Dean?”

“Yo, Jerk get out here.”  The shaggy haired man yells out.

Dean comes walking out from inside a minute later, “Bitch, what do you…”  He suddenly notices you, “Hey I’ve been looking for you two, how did you end up together?”  Bobby comes out to join Sam, Cas and Benny.  The four of them watching you and Dean.

“You’ve been looking for me?”  That really surprises you.

“Yeah, I heard about your job. I’m really sorry It’s my fault.”

“That wasn’t your fault it was all your girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend anymore.”

“That’s good.”  You seriously had no filter.  Dean looked up at you a little shocked by your comment.  “I’m mean, that’s too bad.”

“It’s alright, I knew she wasn’t the nicest, but I didn’t realize she could be that awful.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, at least you have Miracle back now.  Have a good night.”  With that you turned to walk out of the station.

Dean turns back around and the guys are all pointing and gesturing to you.  “Hey, Y/N, I’m getting off work soon.  Could I give you a ride home, or maybe buy you dinner?”

“Thank you for offering but you don’t have to. I'm fine walking.”

“Come on, let me buy you dinner.  With everything that’s happened it’s the least I can do.”

“You really don’t..”

Three shouts of “it’s the least he can do.”  Come from behind Dean.

“Okay, but only if I can take you to my favorite place.”

“Alright, do I need to run and change first?”  He looks down at his uniform blue pants and shirt.  If your favorite place is anything like Lisa's he is going to need dress pants a tie, the whole shebang.  

You pretend to look him over, “No I think I can get you in just fine dressed like that, I know the owner pretty well.  But what about Miracle?”

“He can hang out here, he’ll be fine with the guys around here.”

“Okay.” 

Bobby comes up to get Miracle, “We like having him here.”

Dean takes you to the common area and you wait in there until he is finished with his shift.  When you leave you give him directions to your favorite taco truck.  Dean wasn’t expecting this at all.

“This is really your favorite place?”

“Yes, taking a bite out of one of his tacos is like a surprise party in your mouth.  He’s open all night.  So when I’m studying really late I come and grab something from here.”

Grabbing your food you go and sit at one of the nearby tables.  Dean groans when he takes his first bite. “Oh you weren’t lying that is so good.”

“I know right?”  You smile at him. A sudden chill hitting you.  You tried to hide that you were cold because a big part of you really didn’t want the night to end.  Dean saw it anyway.

“Are you cold?”

“I’m alright.”  He shook his head at you.  

“I’ll be right back.  He returns with his yellow coat from his uniform draping it over your shoulders to keep you warm.

“Thank you.”  The two of you get up from the table and walk around the nearby park looking at the light displays around you.

“When I was 19 my parents died in a car accident.  I was away at college then.  I came back home to raise my little sister.  When she entered college I went back and started my undergrad back up.  Now I’m trying to finish veterinary school.”

“What made you want to become a vet?”

“My parents were huge animal lovers. My sister and I grew up around animals and that love for them passed down to us.  My mom was always taking in strays.  When I was seven, walking home from school I found a baby bird in the middle of the road.  The little guy was hurt when he fell out of his nest.  I took him home and nursed him back to health with the help of my parents.  I was there when he was finally able to take his first flight.  That’s when I realized I wanted to be a vet and help animals when I grew up.  What about you?  Why did you want to become a firefighter?”

“When I was four our house caught on fire, I was carrying my little brother Sammy out of the house.  The front door was engulfed in flames, I wasn’t sure how to get out.  This firefighter crashed through the living room window and got us to safety.”

“Wow.”  

“My mom was trapped, but they managed to get both of my parents out.  They blamed each other for the fire and started fighting a lot. Until they eventually divorced.  We lost my dad to the bottle a couple years ago.  Mom to a car accident.  The firefighters made me feel safe, and took care of me and my brother that night.  I wanted to be able to do that for others one day.”

“That’s powerful.”

He just nodded.

“What were your parents like?”

“They were so in love, they met in high school and that was it."

"So you could say he jumped in front of her and stopped her in his tracks. She followed him to the highest peak?”  He asks as he smiles at you.

It took you about thirty seconds to realize what he was saying, “You remembered the mountain lions.”

“Yeah, I did.”

The both of you sat there a few more minutes lost in your own thoughts before you reluctantly spoke up.  “I’ve really enjoyed tonight.  It’s been really nice, but I have a big final tomorrow morning.  I should try and get a little more studying in.”

“Okay, no problem.  I’ll take you home.”

Reluctantly you got up and followed Dean to his truck.  You gave him the address to you

 place, and he found it no problem.  As a fireman he most likely knows his way around town very well.  He walked you to the door when you arrived home.

“Thank you for dinner, it was nice of you.”

“No problem, Sweetheart.  Thank you for accepting my apology.”

The two of you stood there looking at one another for a minute or so before you snapped out of it.  

“Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.  Good luck on your final tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

The two of you so lost in thought you didn’t realize you were still wearing his coat until after he had already driven away.  

Your dreams that night revolved around a pair of green eyes, with a boyish smile and a great laugh.

You were studying as you were getting ready Monday morning, trying to get any last bit of new information in that you could.  All too quickly it was time to head out.  

Sitting down next to Charlie you apologized to her for missing Friday again.  She told you all about the girl she met there, Dorthey.  She seemed to really click with this one.  You were very happy for her.  At least one of you could get what you wanted.

The two of you walked out of the Veterinary school building an hour and a half later.  “Okay, that final was so much tougher that I thought it was going to be.”

“Charlie, I’m sure you did great.”

“At least that was our last one. Now Christmas break is finally here!”  She broke into a little dance as she was saying this.

“I’m glad you are so excited about this,”  you laughed watching her.  Turning back around someone caught your eye.

“Hi.”

“Hey, how did the test go?”

You were a little flustered, did he come all this way just to ask about your test?  “I think I did all right on it.”

“That’s great, glad to hear it.  How about I take you out for coffee and we can celebrate?”

Charlie was looking back and forth between the two of you, when she finally got a good look at Dean’s face.  “That’s Green eyes?”  She exclaimed much loudly for your liking.  Judging by Dean’s laugh and slight blush, he heard it too.

Reaching out you quickly smack her arm before turning back to Dean.  “That’s so nice of you to offer, but dinner last night was enough.”

“Wait he took you to dinner last night?”  Charlie wanted to know looking at Dean then you.

“Yes, please shut up.”  You whispered to her

“Let him take you for coffee.  She would love to go with you.”  Charlie turned to Dean shaking her head yes.

Dean was amused by Charlie's antics. You on the other hand could hurt your friend.  “Besides the coffee, I kinda need my coat back for work tonight.

“Oh, yeah.  I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t realize I still had it on till after you left.”

“It’s alright, let me take you for coffee and we can grab it after.”

“Alright.”

Charlie pushed you toward Dean, “Have fun you two!”

Dean took you to a coffee shop you had never been to before.  The two of you enjoying a nice conversation before being on your way.  When you were walking back to your place you commented on the shop.

“I really liked that place.  I’ve never been there before.  Or even heard of them before.”

“You know what they say, firemen and police always know where to get the best coffee. There was one I really liked, only had it a few times.  I’m pretty sure it was the barista there who made it so good.”  Dean winking at you as he said it.

The front of your condo coming into view. The door was wide open.  “Oh this is bad, so very bad.”  You run up the steps toward the door.

“What’s going on?”

“She found Dakota.” Dean watches you run inside slowly following behind, but staying out of sight.

Your landlady is standing at the counter when you come rushing in.  Hearing you she turns around.

“I just knew you were hiding something.  I had a plumber come in and check out your sink.  Do you know what he found?”  She asked you while holding up an Effective Immediately Eviction notice.

“Where is she?”

“I shut her in the back bedroom.”  You went right over to check on your girl.

When you come back she starts right back in on you.  “This is a clear violation of the Angel Arms by laws.  You have to be out by the end of the day.”

Good things get any worse for you right now?  Where were you supposed to go?

Just then Dean comes walking in holding up his fireman identification and badge, “I assume you gave this tenant 48 hours notice before you had a service person enter the residence?”

“I, um I’m not sure.”

“How about the fire code?  Are you all up to date on all of the apartment codes pertaining to apartment and condo buildings?”

She couldn’t even get a word out.

“What about all the bylaws with the state's statutes?”

“Well, I would think I…”

“I’ll be back next week and make sure you are in compliance with each and every state and city fire code.  If you aren’t I’m afraid I’ll have to slap you with a 777, and close this place down.”

Her eyes widened at that and she quickly left the building.  No doubt to start looking into all the codes and begin the tedious work of making sure each one was met.

You were watching Dean in awe, you couldn’t believe he would go to all this trouble for you.

“I’m sorry I won’t be able to stop the eviction, but I can make her miserable for awhile.”

“Dean, I don't know what to say.  Thank you for doing that.”

“Talk later, let’s get packing.”

“What?”

“You have to be out today, let’s go.”

“You’re going to help me?  Dean I don’t even know where I can go.  My sister doesn’t have room for us.  I couldn’t find a place to rent before this happened.”

“I have an idea.  The house I’m renovating right now, it has an upstairs apartment.  There is even an outside entrance so you could come and go as you needed.”

“Dean, I couldn’t do that and impose on you.”

“You aren’t.  I’m inviting you to stay.  You won’t even have to pay rent. So you can save for a new apartment. Plus I’m the reason you got fired.”

He really was giving you a tempting offer.  “You said yourself you had nowhere else you knew of to go.”

“Are you okay with dogs?”

“Yes, actually they are a must.  Plus you could help me out with Miracle.”

“I will pay you.”

“That’s okay, maybe you could just help me with the house some?”  

“I can do that.  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate this.”

“No problem Sweetheart. I’m going to go get us some boxes, while you start getting your stuff around.”  When Dean got outside he called Sam.

“Hey, you doing anything right now?”

“No, just hanging out till the shift starts.”

“I have a friend who needs some help packing up her apartment real fast.  Can you help?”

“Yeah, wait, her?  Who’s the her?  I thought Benny and Cas were your only friends?”

“Will you just stop talking and get over here?  I texted you the address.”

You were shocked when Dean returned with not only boxes but one of the other firemen.

“Y/N, this is my little brother Sammy.”

“It’s Sam.”

“This is Y/N, Sammy said he could help us out for a bit.”

“Thank you so much.  I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.  Dean told me what happened.”

In just a few hours the three of you had everything loaded up in the three vehicles.  The apartment came furnished so everything but the bed stayed.

Getting to Dean’s place you get out and look at the house, it’s amazing.

Heading inside Dean shows you around.  You are distracted by the wonderful details that surround it, and the great work Dean has done.  You can’t believe he rebuilt the entire staircase.  He is extremely talented. 

The two dogs are introduced and seem to get along really well.  You are kind of surprised, Dakota is usually more reserved around dogs she has never met before. 

“I think they are going to get along just fine.”  Dean tells you.

“Yeah, I guess us living together could work, I mean sleeping together.  NO, I just, you know what I mean, staying under the same roof, not in the same room.”  You aren’t sure your face could be any redder.

“Well, not sure I have a problem with the first two options either.”  

You were wrong, your face could get redder.

“I promise you won’t know I’m even here.  I’m looking for a new job, and I’ll look for a new place.  Hopefully I can find something by next week.”

“No rush, it’s fine Sweetheart.”

 The two guys help you unload the things in their vehicles before heading off to work. 

Wandering around the house you notice the living room and all the white paint stripes.  This must be the room Dean was saying he was having trouble finding the right color.  You didn’t have anything else to do so you go to work.

When Dean came home from work the next night, some amazing smell greeted him.  Y/N, must have grabbed takeout.  He’s hoping she got enough to share.  Looking around he finally found her on a ladder in the living room.  He walked in looking around.  He couldn’t believe it, the whole room was painted, and the color was perfect.

On top of the fireplace mantle he saw a few Christmas decorations out.  Some reindeer, a big snowman in the middle.  They weren't his so they must have come from your house.   It helped to make the room feel a bit homier than it had before.

Turning around you finally notice Dean.  “Oh hi,”

“Hey, I can’t believe you finished this room.  The color is perfect.”

“I’m used to being busy, but I’m currently unemployed, and school is on break for a month.  This is Pearl, it’s a layer of Egg shell over Egg crue.  It’s the only way to get this color.  It’s the least I could do for you rescuing Dakota and I.”

“Don’t worry about that.  I do appreciate you doing all this.”

“No problem, I like to keep busy.”  You get Dakota up to head to your apartment, you did tell him you would stay out of his way.  “Oh, there is chicken and mashed potatoes in the fridge if you want any.”

“It smells amazing, where did you pick it up from?”

“I cooked.”

Here we go again, Dean thought.  

“I saw the stove wasn’t hooked up, I hope you don’t mind I connected it.”

“Oh, no.  Thanks.”  That surprised Dean.  Y/N really was different than all the other girls he dated.  

As she walked out of the room he realized he didn’t want her to go,  “My shift was kinda slow, do you want to stay and eat with us?”

“We already ate, but thanks.  I’ll let you enjoy your downtime.”

“Oh okay.”

Walking back to the room you are talking with Dakota about why you left.  “He really doesn't want us to join him.  He was only being polite.”  Dakota gives a little growl.  “Don’t give me your attitude, missy.”

The next morning Dean is up looking around for Y/N, before he has to head out.  He knows she’s up; he saw the coffee put all made for him.  Not seeing her anywhere he assumes she is in her room and doesn't want to bother her.

He’s caught by surprises when he walks out the front door and sees her hanging up Christmas lights on the porch.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Morning, oh.  I heard Christmas lights and decorations can add curb side value to a house.  If you are going to sell when you’re finished.  Having some lights out now, might get people to notice the house.  Do you mind?”

“Not at all, great idea.  Thank you.”

“No problem.  You know, I have all that stuff from my apartment if you want to decorate the inside too.”  

“I’m not much for decorations, but you can have at it.”

He walks down to his truck and asks without thinking.  “I have to give a presentation to a group of fascinating people, would you like to come with me?”

“Sure, do I need to go change?”

“No, I think I can get you in with jeans and a sweater.”

“Alright, let me grab my phone.”

Hurrying back outside Dean locks the door behind you, “Let’s go Sweetheart.”

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 3 

Tags- @winchest09  @waywardbeanie @whatareyousearchingfordean  @flamencodiva @atc74 @deanwanddamons @jensengirl83 @abuavnee @lunarmoon8 @amyzombie1013 @akshi8278 @that-one-gay-girl @mandalou29​  @igotmadskills​

#Fire Fur & Mistletoe #dean winchester #dean x female!reader #dean x reader #christmas #spnchristmasbingo #supernatural #firefighter dean

[homosociallyyours]

hi Megan! Number 16 for the asks! I love me a good story :)

16) Favorite love story?

Alright Suus, I'll do my best!!

I think I've told parts of this story before, but I love my parents' love story a lot so I'll go with that ..

They met in high school, early in freshman year. My mom had come from Catholic school so she was new, and she thought my dad was very cute. Now according to him he often had girlfriends in Jr high, but according to my mom she tried to talk to him and he straight up ran away bc he was too nervous to talk to her. Maybe it was because she complimented his shoes? And he didn't know what to say?

In any case she wasn't having it. So after a little bit of trying to get him to talk to her she just "accidentally" bumped into him at his locker and made him spill his books so she could help pick them up. SNEAKY!! Anyway it worked better than the "I like your shoes" line, and they ended up hanging out.

I know that was in the fall. They had their first kiss at a Christmas party at my dad's house, sitting behind the couch in the den. My dad asked my mom to go steady and she said yes 😢 and it would probably help if you could see them but I'm already in bed so I can't go get the photo booth pics of them as teenagers, smushed together and smiling and kissing in the last photo.

The next year at the Valentine's dance, my dad gave my mom an opal ring because they were pretty serious about each other. I never got to see it because it cracked while she was doing dishes and she had some superstition about a cracked opal being bad luck.

They used to call each other every night and talk on the phone, usually until my dad would fall asleep. They didn't live very far away from each other-- it's like 5 minutes by car, maybe less back then because the main road wasn't as busy --so it feels extra cute to me that they'd call one another. Of course I used to talk on the phone for hours in high school too, so I guess it's not that unusual.

They spent a lot of time with each other's families. My mom went camping with my dad's family and my poppy (dad's dad) who was a truck driver would go way too fast and freak my mom out. I think she hated camping, really, but she did it because my dad liked it. Both of them were really active in clubs too and when you look in their yearbook they're always right there in the same ones.

I'm not sure when or how my dad proposed. It's weird that I can't remember, but sometimes that's how it is. They were 18 when they got married, though. They did it on Thanksgiving because it was a day that everyone had off and they were going to move down to Atlanta soon. I remember finding my mom's wedding dress when I was in high school; my grandmother made it and it was fitted white lace with long sleeves, pretty and classic and not very 70s. It looked good on her. It's sad to me that it's gone now but I'm pretty sure it didn't get grabbed from the house before my parents were evicted :/

Anyway they stayed together, which not everyone can say. And they loved each other a lot. My mom had self image issues her whole life, and my dad never stopped telling her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. Also I'm sure some people would think it's kinda gross but like-- he really thought my mom was hot. She rarely wore makeup and she was fat and just. Not the things that generally get categorized as hot in the het world. But he looked at her and never saw anything but the gorgeous person he fell in love with.

Even when she injured her back and couldn't play softball anymore (he coached, she played). When she lost a baby and could barely function from the depression. Through lots of health problems and hard times.

And she loved him too, took care of him and made him laugh and smile. They were really compatible. A good fit.

I was lucky to grow up around a lot of loving, functional couples who were mostly pretty good. But my parents have a special place in my heart and so does their love ♡

#pardon typos I'm on my phone #long post #family #about me #kind of #hope this satisfied #i realized halfway through that it wasn't necessary the best love story ever #but tbf what real one is?

[cloverrover]

Bonfire

Fall weather had finally reached the farmhouse where you grew up in North Carolina. Bringing in the crisp morning air, crunchy leaves, and warm apple cider with it. You hadn’t been back home in years, focusing more on helping Steve and Bucky get their bearings after the fight that had pursued due to the Accords.

So, when your mother told you that she and your dad would be visiting family in Ireland for a few weeks, you immediately took those stockpiled vacation days and put them to good use. Packing up and flying back over after spending some more time in Wakanda, you were excited to not only have a well-deserved vacation, you were excited to have the entire property to yourself.

More than 300 acres with fields littered by logs, table jumps, and ponds from your younger days of a successful eventer. Even though representing your country as part of the United States Equestrian Team had once filled you with happiness, you wanted to do more for the world than to bop around fields at flying speeds on horses. You wanted to be an avenger and though you weren’t as skilled as Nat in spying, or as strong as Steve for obvious reasons, you were better at mechanical engineering than almost the entire team. Except for Tony.  

And when Nat found out you had returned stateside, while not mentioning it to her, it didn’t take much to convince everyone else to go down and surprise you. So, when you woke up one morning to incessant banging of the front door, to say you were shocked at the entire Avengers team at your doorstep was a gross understatement. But after getting everyone settled in some spare rooms and a brief scolding for not telling anyone you were in the states, you called for a bonfire to celebrate.

“Before someone asks about the stupid ass massive hole in the back, it’s not for burying bodies, Tony. We use that hole for bonfires.”

“Why did you assume I’d ask if it was for bodies?”

Giving Tony a hard glare only to receive a smirk, you ignore the man and continue you raid in the kitchen; making sure you actually have all the essentials for a dope ass bonfire when you feel the ever so quiet presence of one Bucky Barnes.

“So, Ally, why didn’t you tell us you were coming here? Also, where is here?” Every attempt to ignore the explosion of butterflies in your stomach, you turn to the man that made in your insides jelly and your brain mush with just a single look.

“I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t think it would matter? I mean everyone needs some alone time James. Even Avengers. And ‘here’ is my home dumbass. I’m not setting up in some random house.” A small laugh escapes your lips when you hand the man the biggest bag of marshmallows he’s ever seen.

“Is that the reason, or is it so you can avoid your crush on me?” Without even turning to look at him, you can feel the smirk he’s giving you, knowing that he’s got your face red as Nat’s hair.

“Who says I was avoiding that crush? Maybe I was taking some time to plan how I’d have my way with you.” Turning back briefly, you catch a glimpse of Bucky’s surprised reaction to your words, not expecting something like that to come out of our mouth.

Not giving him any more time to dwell on it, you tell Steve to grab some blankets from the closet and Clint some chairs from the garage.

“Ok guys, there’s only 2 rules. Number 1, under no circumstances are there to be any marshmallows thrown into the pit, and number 2, under no circumstances, is anyone, to take a Christmas tree into the pit and run through it.”

“What in the hell is with that second rule?” Steve, Clint, and Wanda question all at once.

“To answer that question guys, in my younger days one of my besties had a bonfire at his house for New Years. They had their Christmas tree and being the idiotic boys they were, threw it into the pit and jumped over the thing. For a solid half hour. So, if I catch anyone doing that, Bucky, Sam, you get evicted and are no longer invited to my house. Got it?”

With some scared nods from the boys, you finally set up the pit, hoping for a great fire with some great people around.

Three hours, four bags of marshmallows, and many songs later, you’re enjoying the best bonfire you’ve had in a long time. Wrapped up in your favorite childhood blanket in a crappy old and retired baseball tournament chair you used during your brothers’ tournaments, Bucky, being the stupidly gorgeous man he is, man bun, metal arm and all, comes over and sits on you. Literally.

“Dude get your fat-ass off of me so I can enjoy this man.” Trying to laugh but slightly wheezing due to the sudden added 200 pounds of gorgeousness.

“Hey no name calling. You can’t name call people you crush on.”

“And why not? I thought it was a form of flattery.” Wrapping your hands around his waist and ignoring the knowing looks you’re getting from the girls.

“Because doll,” leaning in close enough to feel the warmth of his breath in the frigid air, “it’s rude. You’re forgetting to call me babe.”

Saving you from even further blushing, Nat and Wanda complain about it being too cold and the fire not being big enough.

“Ok ‘babe’ gotta let me up so I can help the girls. If you do, I might even make you my famous s’mores.”

“And what’s so special about your s’mores?”

“Let me up and you’ll find out.” Being released you take the girls over to the pile Steve so graciously split for you.

“Before you guys say anything, yes I like Bucky and yes I’m aware he likes me to.”

“Ally we were only going to ask when you were actually going to do something about it.”

“What Nat said, there’s only so much tension we can stand to watch.”

“Well you girls are in luck.” Ignoring the confused yet hopeful looks they give you, you add more logs to pile and go pick out the ingredients for your ‘famous’ s’mores.

“Look who’s returned. Without her ‘famous’ s’mores might I add.”

“Patience Bucky. Patience.” You reply, sitting gently on his lap, much unlike he did to you.

“Doll I have 70 years of patience under my belt. I think I can be a little impatient.”

Blatantly ignoring him and making the s’more, you turn around in his lap and hand him the s’more when it’s ready, patiently waiting.

“Bucky I’m not hand feeding you, that’s not what makes them famous.” Taking the s’more out of your hand, you wait until he’s finished eating it until you speak next.

“Doll I’d really like to know now why your s’mores are so fam-” Not waiting for him to finish the sentence, you lean down and kiss him. Something you’ve wanted to the moment you saw him the first-time way back in D.C. After a few moments of utter surprise, you Bucky kiss back softly, knowing that he’s enjoying this as much as you are.

“Don’t look now, but we have an audience.” Bucky whispers softly after breaking the kiss. Laughing lightly and knowing you’re blushing, you hid your smile in his jacket donned shoulder.

“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to give them a show, won’t we?” Smirking back at him you snuggle closer into his chest and kiss him lightly, truly knowing this is the best bonfire you’ve had in a very long time. Surrounded by warmth, friends and food, and the man you’ve always known was good deep down.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky fluff #the avengers #Marvel MCU

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #304

“she’s got a hold on me  /  maybe she is just what they want me to be”

How many foreign friends do you have? Only one that I know of that actually immigrated into America in their life. I think. In which countries do they live? She was born in Asia, either China or Japan. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? I either wanted to go to the skating rink or Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, definitely. Whose hand did you hold last? Probably my niece's or nephew's if they were taking me somewhere. What was the last thing you planted? Habaneros, I think. Do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs with plants? I don't really try with plants because I'm not interested in the maintenance. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? Does telling your therapist about another person and what they do to stress you out count? lol Any books on your night stand? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. Would you ever consider going vegetarian? I was briefly one, but I had to introduce meat back into my diet because I just hate too many foods needed to keep me healthy without meat. I would love love LOVE to go vegan, but I just can't. When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably holding open a door for someone in a wheelchair. What's the most selfless act you have done? I don't know... Maybe letting my mother use all my Christmas and birthday money (which was a lot) to take care of bills to keep us from being evicted and losing the car. She was going to pay me back, but then cancer happened. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. What makes you feel lucky? The fact I have a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water... That kind of stuff. Never take it for granted. How many Lidls are there in your town? One. Last time you went to Ikea, what did you buy? I don't believe we've ever bought anything from there? But I wouldn't really know. How do you like your favorite beverage? Really cold in a can, heeeeell yeah. What's your big family secret? We don't really have one. What did you think you were good at, until you saw someone else do it? I remember thinking I was the "gifted" artist in school until I met my acquaintance Cailin in the 5th grade, lol. She is SO talented. What is something nice going on in your life right now? My partial hospitalization program is going well. I'm getting more comfortable with talking via things like Zoom, it's a good opportunity for me to socialize with like-minded people almost every day, and I ADORE one of the teachers so much so that I want him to be my normal therapist. I have never in the entirety of my life felt less judged and more cared for from any therapist before him, and it's almost supernatural how easily this man reads people. You could twitch a certain way and he picks it up. I'm ready for him to teach more of the sessions. What was the pinnacle of wealth to you as a child? The idea of owning one of those toy crane machines, haha. If I saw one in a store, I would like beeeeg for it. I remember I cried once when I came across one I adored, it was just too expensive, lol. I did eventually get a little one, I think. What's something that you hate, but can't live without? My meds. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? I don't really brag about anything I think I'm good at because I feel bad about it and don't wanna emit a "better than you" vibe. Who's the worst person you've encountered on the Internet? Ahhh, a lovely "friend" nicknamed Shakes. God she hated me. If death wasn't a consequence, what would you try? Probably ride a motorcycle. I'm too scared to risk the possibility of crashing, and those wrecks are nasty. What's the dumbest thing you've heard someone say? There's this one video of a TV show host thinking the moon was a planet and it was just- What is the worst smell you can remember? This smell was forever branded into my memory as if it was fuckin trauma. When my late dog Teddy had a massive, infected cyst near his ~you know~ and also wore diapers because of incontinence with his age (also keep in mind he had a UTI we couldn't afford to fix, and that smells bad enough), changing the diaper he would wear overnight could, swear to God, be enough to make you puke. It literally came to a point that I personally could no longer do it. It sounds so so bad and selfish, and it probably is, but Mom had to do it before she left and came home from work; she's way less fazed by stuff like that than me. Yes, when we had the money, we got the cyst removed. What song gets better the louder it gets? Only like, every song I enjoy. The louder the better until it becomes obnoxious to others. What's the biggest inconvenience that does NOT ruin your day? Having to pee at like an unnatural frequency? haha What's something everybody should know how to do? Cook... which I don't know how to do. What is a great movie no one knows about? I'unno. I don't really know the success level of most movies unless you see stuff about it everywhere. What type of person could the world use less of? Rapists, pedophiles, monsters like that. What makes you tingle? I have this odd reaction to rubbing my hand while someone is holding it???? idk why????? What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? Oh MAN, I wish I could remember 'em all. I've seen some goodies. What's easy to learn, but hard to master? God, it's pathetic that my immediate response is related to a video game, haha. Then again it's such a common idea that it's basically a meme in the World of Warcraft community. So, playing hunters in the game. They're argued to be one of the - if not the - easiest classes in the game that requires little to no skill, while as a hunter main, I disagree with the second part firmly. I don't know about the other specializations because I don't play them, but at least in beast mastery, it takes focus and thinking ahead to master your rotation for optimal damage and just to generally be a skilled player of the class. Not to mention you need to watch your pet(s), too. What's something you've changed your opinion on? Wow, LOTS. Tons of political ideas, like my stance on gay rights, transgender folks, etc... If you had a refilling bowl, what would you want it to contain? For some reason my mind immediately jumped to fresh strawberries. I'm picky with the firmness of fruit, so I won't eat them if they're older because ew. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but Sara's house so we could actually hang out, Dad's house so I could see him more, and then uhhh South Africa to regularly see meerkitties. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? Oh, I dunno. I've got some for writers of other media, but I guess by "author," you mean this is for books exclusively. If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Shit, I wouldn't even know because I essentially always have caffeine in my system. I don't believe it affects me. When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Keep trying to sleep, or more common than not, I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop for a while. Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? My most recent therapist in the PHP. I love love love him. The therapists rotate the days they teach, and he was the last one I met. Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I'm not opposed to it if I actually watched television. Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? If I actually have the money to, omg yes. I honestly do think I create or buy very thoughtful gifts, and I just really enjoy reminding other people that I love and think about them. Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? My sisters, Mom, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday dinner. That place has come to oust Olive Garden as my favorite restaurant, haha. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? I believe it was this amateur cooking show called Nailed It!, I think it was, with my mom when I sat in the living room with her for dinner one night. Do you have a favorite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Absolutely animals. Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? Do not fucking talk to me if you're anti-mask. If I set foot in public, I'm wearing a mask like a goddamn considerate human being. Do you prefer zip-up or overhead hoodies? Overhead. I really dislike the appearance of zippers on them. If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? N/A When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was the first time Tyler came to my house. This was quite a few years ago. When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Hell, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept over anywhere since the last time I was visiting Sara, which was like, two years ago. What’s your favorite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? The Renaissance; I always found it to be an attractive subject, art being in its "glory days" and all. My Art History course in college really hooked me in. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Homophobic bullshit. What's a job that doesn't get enough respect? As others have said before me, teachers might just top the list. The shit they gotta put up with for so little pay... What did you take for granted until you visited another country? I've never left America, so I wouldn't know. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I don't have a favorite; I don't know nearly enough about any. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? I'm from the emoticons era, so I'm biased, haha. How did you meet your pet? Roman was the kitten of one of my sister's mother-in-law's females. They have quite a cat problem and wanted to adopt the kittens out, and Mom knew I desperately wanted a cat, so there we go. One day when we were over there, she showed me the kittens, and Roman caught my eye instantly with his beautiful blue eyes. Venus, I "met" via the Morph Market, a reptile hub website for selling, as the name implies, reptiles that are generally morphs of their species. I was clicking through the genes, keeping my price ceiling in mind, and really fell in love with champagnes, and I thought Venus in specific was just absolutely beautiful. I officially met her as a little thing mailed to me, and she was and still is just the sweetest. I wanna point out that when I chose Venus, I hadn't the slightest idea that champagnes harbored "the spider gene," as otherwise I would have avoided adopting her and feeding the market. Regardless, I love her to death and wouldn't trade her out. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo, yeah. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? No; they make me really uncomfortable. When writing RP, some scenes can get sexual, but I have my limits for sure and know when to stop writing and just time-skip. If you had to choose, which one would you rather have: a pet or a baby? Keep the baby away from me. Gimme a plains hognose or tarantula, please. ^Why did you choose the one you chose? I don't want kids at all but would love the mentioned animals as pets. Do you live with your parents or on your own/with a partner? I live with my mother. What's the car of your dreams? I don't have a "dream car." Have you ever witnessed something or someone die? Animals, yes. Has anyone ever told you that you snore or talk in your sleep? I don't snore, but I talk a LOT. Do you have any houseplants? No. Are you more on a laptop or a desktop computer? I only have a laptop, and I prefer them for portability's sake. If you could do absolutely anything, what would you like to do the most? Entirely leave behind my anxiety, probably. Or PTSD. Do you think your parents raised you well? Yeah. Dad didn't really take much part in "raising" us/enforcing rules and stuff, but hey, my sisters and I wound up being good people. Do you have a Facebook? Yeah. Do you know any of your neighbors? Definitely not well. We haven't lived here long at all. Does/did any of your relatives have an interesting, nowadays unusual job? I'm sure somebody does. Have you met your ideal partner yet? I think so. Have you had a serious relationship yet? If so, how many? Yeah, two. Do you enjoy books, magazines or comic books the most? Books. Are your parents old-fashioned or up-to-date about certain things? Dad is more old-fashioned I think, while Mom is pretty up-to-date. Do you or did you at some point keep a diary? I very briefly did on a few occasions. I always had a journal I wrote in during all my hospital stays. Have you ever upcycled trash into useful items? I remember I once followed this craft idea on Animal Planet where you turn a milk jug into a bird house. We never got any birds in it, though. Which color Skittle do you like best? The only right answer is red. What’s your favorite element? Of the classic four, fire. If you had your own radio show, what would it be like? YIKES, I don't want one. Don't make me talk in front of (through a radio or not) people. What has been the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten? An "impossible" breakup over Facebook Messenger lmaoooo. Is there a holiday you can’t stand at all? There aren't any that I "can't stand," but I do hold at least some degree of dislike of ones bastardized by religion. It's disrespectful as fuck. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. Has there ever been an activity you became obsessed with? I was definitely obsessed with RPing in my early teens. Like, I ALWAYS wanted to be writing it. What has been the strangest place you ran into someone from your past? I can't think of an occurance. What is something people tend to come to you about? Anything related to English and grammar. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? For purely a hobby, definitely not very far, partially because I can't drive or afford travelling via plane or whatever. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? N/A What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? Pretend to be interested to avoid being rude. Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? Yeah. Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? No, but I need to. Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No. Do you have any bruises on you? Yeah, on my shin. When getting in Ash's van the other day, I hit it against the thing that helps you step up into the vehicle. Because of my muscle atrophy, I, and I am not kidding, can barely manage to absolutely yank myself up there. And mind you, her van isn't even very high up at all. My legs are just that damn weak. Any changes in appearance lately? Gaining weight is fucking lovely. Who was the last person to call you babe or baby? Probably a gal friend commenting on a selfie or something on Facebook. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Sometimes. Do you actually care about other's problems? Probably too much for my own good. Have you ever gotten a teddy bear from someone? Besides my mom, I don't think so.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''big bad wolf'' by in this moment

[soft-stormcloud]

Panic Cord: Please Don’t Say You Love Me [2/3]

Synopsis: When Virgil and his fiancé, Logan, take in Virgil’s ex boyfriend Roman and his boyfriend, Patton, Virgil’s forced to come face to face with his guilt. 

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Prinxiety, Analogical, LAMP, background logicality

Word count: 3580 out of 8823

Trigger warnings: Implied abusive parents, very heavy guilt, financial problems, potentially unsympathetic Virgil? It’s complicated, everyone makes mistakes.

Part One

    Logan was, of course, okay with it. 

    Virgil dared say he was excited. He took a day off work (he had a lot of personal days saved up) to spend making sure the apartment was clean and inviting, and his office was cleared out for Roman and Patton to move in. Virgil had to move his vanity to make room for Logan’s desk, but he didn’t complain. 

    When they arrived, Logan pulled Patton into a tight hug while Virgil took Roman’s luggage to carry it inside. 

    “Is this all you have?” He asked, frowning. 

    Roman shrugged and followed Virgil into the apartment. He was sort of dazed as he looked around. “Well, I had a few of Patton’s things over at my place, but when he was evicted, his landlord sold his things. I had to be fast to leave so I just filled up whatever I could in this suitcase and we left.” 

    “I’m surprised you let Patton in your house,” he said as he pushed open the door to what was previously Logan’s study, now Roman and Patton’s room. 

    “What?” He frowned. “I didn’t.” 

    Virgil set his suitcase down in the bare room and looked at him in confusion. “You said you had some of his things?” 

    Roman blushed and looked away. “Just, like, sweaters and stuff.” 

    He couldn’t hide a grin. “You’re still so sappy.”

    “It’s not exactly a bad thing!” Roma pouted. 

    “I didn’t say it was.” He didn’t bother unpacking the suitcase, leading Roman right back out. “Logan and I called in a favour with our parents- Come with us, we’re getting you some furniture.” 

    “What?” Roman smiled nervously. “You don’t-” 

    “You’re at least getting a bed.” Virgil gave him a flat look. “Besides, my mom was way too happy to help. She and Dad actually want to have dinner with you and meet Patton, whenever you’re up for that.” 

    Roman only blushed brighter. He was embarrassed, but in a good way.

    When they went back into the living room, Logan was explaining to Patton how they could afford such a nice apartment. 

    “Virgil’s and my parents got together and wrote us a cheque for our Christmas present,” he was saying. Virgil stepped beside him and wrapped his arms around Logan’s waist. “They covered half the costs. We’re also pretty lucky with our jobs, they pay us well, and we’ve been saving up for a while.” 

    As they walked out the door and headed for the apartment’s elevator, Patton looked at Logan curiously and asked, “What do you guys do?” 

    Virgil hid a smile as Logan lit up, launching into an excited ramble about his job. Logan loved his job, and he wasn’t quiet about it. He didn’t even do anything super exciting or that he’s passionate about; It was just convenient, and well-paying, and easy. He said he mostly enjoyed it because he got to put all of his energy into his studies, and his relationship with Virgil, not having to waste any to pay for basic living expenses. 

    The four of them went out to a few of the surrounding furniture stores, somehow managing to fit a nightstand, the parts of a dresser and a bed, and a shit ton of hangers inside Logan’s tiny car. They went ahead and used the leftover money to buy Patton new clothes, and a little for Roman, as well. 

    When Roman and Patton were distracted with the clothes, Logan pulled Virgil aside. “Are you doing okay?”

    Virgil frowned in confusion. “Yeah? Why?” 

    “I just… Know this isn’t exactly what you wanted.” Logan took his hand. “I’m sorry.”

    He shrugged and ran his thumb across Logan’s palm. “It’s not what they wanted either. It’s not a big deal.”

    Logan watched him carefully. Virgil seemed… Truly unbothered. 

    “Verge, you know you don’t have to answer this, but… Why did you two break up?” He laughed a little and shook his head. “I’m so confused about your relationship.”

    Guilt flooded Virgil’s system. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “No, it’s… I don’t want to talk about it.” He did want to tell Logan, both because Logan deserved to know and because Virgil thought he may feel better after getting it out. 

    But there was always the possibility that Logan would leave him, would find his actions so disgusting and mistrustful that he decided to go. 

    “It’s okay,” Logan whispered, pulling him into his arms. “Don’t panic, it’s fine. It clearly doesn’t matter anymore, whatever happened. He doesn’t seem mad at you.”

    “That’s not what I’m worried about,” Virgil mumbled. 

    xxx 

    The next few weeks living with Patton and Roman were… Interesting. For Virgil, most of it consisted of not ever letting himself be in a room with Roman alone, while also making sure Roman and Logan were never in the same room alone. It was pretty exhausting- Not just the act itself, but the guilt that came with it. Was it wrong of him to be stunting Roman and Logan’s relationship so badly? Was he proving that he hadn’t changed at all in he and Roman’s time apart, by doing pretty much the exact same thing? Was his reasoning justified in meddling with the ecosystem of their apartment? 

    Logan, someone who was always straightforward and blunt with him, didn’t seem to care. Or even notice. He and Patton were growing closer and closer by the day, and if they were a ‘normal’ couple, Virgil would be frightened every time he found Logan and Patton tangled up on the couch, asleep together, or walked in on them talking quietly and holding hands. 

For once, it was not because of the guilt. Most things Virgil did in his life was because he felt guilty. But, truly, it was because he would do anything to keep that dopey smile on his fiance’s face, and he wasn’t bothered that he wasn’t the only one to cause it. He and Logan simply had too much love to give that could be dropped onto one person. 

One day, Logan, Patton, and Virgil were in the living room, Virgil doing his makeup before work and Patton and Logan doing a puzzle, when Roman burst through the front door with sunshine in his face. 

“Love?” Patton stood and smiled, coming over to hug him. Roman picked him up and tossed him a bit, spinning him around and holding him tightly. Logan snickered as Patton squealed. “Woah- What’s going on?!”

“They’re doing auditions for Dear Evan Hansen down at the Carnation, and I got an audition!” Roman set his pink-faced boyfriend down and smiled so wide it changed the way Logan and Virgil saw him. 

Virgil had missed that smile. 

“I’m auditioning for the role of Connor!” He reached into his messenger bag, a large hole in the side patched up with the scraps of a thin red scarf, and pulled out a clean, new script. It was thin and unlaminated. “They gave me a few scenes to practice for, I need to go right now!”

Patton wasted no time following Roman into their room. Virgil was embarrassed, because half of him tried to get up, too. For a split second, he had fallen back into his old life, his old self, and as terrifying as that was, he still felt ecstatic when Roman poked his head out and said, “Hey, Verge? You wanna come, too? Patton wants to read for Zoe, but you can play Evan!” 

Virgil desperately wanted things to go back to how they were, and he desperately wanted to never go back. He was terrified that Roman being here would put him back into old habits, that all the work he had done to change and be better and build a life with Logan would vanish. But he was also so, incredibly, ridiculously happy to have Roman back, and achingly sad in a way that you only feel when you just now realized how much you’ve missed a person. He wanted to be able to pick and choose, to reach back and pluck certain elements out of his old life and drop them into his new one, and forget about the remnants. 

But life didn’t work that way. 

So as he and Patton helped Roman prepare for his audition, with Logan sitting on the bed with a book, he kind of wanted to cry. 

xxx 

“I want to be a halfling!” Patton cried in excitement. 

They were all crowded around the living room table, Virgil and Logan’s D&D Player’s Handbooks laid out in front of Roman and Patton. 

“Okay,” Logan chuckled. He was sitting next to Patton, hand planted beside his hip, so his arm was almost around him but not quite. “Then, here, these are the stats you get, you put those here.” 

When Roman and Virgil were still dating, Virgil mentioned a few times how he always wanted to get into D&D. Roman agreed, and they always said they would play together, once they had time and enough friends to make a party. The day Virgil and Logan met, Logan was wearing a Critical Role t-shirt and was buying supplies for his weekly session, a few days out. He offered to take Virgil with him, and the plan was just to watch and hang out but he got along with their party so well and already had an idea for a character, they insisted he started right away. 

It didn’t escape Roman’s attention that Virgil ended up doing something they always planned on doing together, with Logan. He was sad about it even though he knew he shouldn’t have been. How could he expect Virgil to have put his life on hold, for a reunion that neither of them thought would happen? 

There was still a part of him that felt betrayed. Roman often felt betrayed when thinking of Virgil, and it was so frustrating because he didn’t want to be mad at Virgil, especially seeing him now, seeing how much he’s changed. He was engaged, and happy about it- Excited, even. Every time someone brought up their upcoming wedding, Virgil positively lit up and couldn’t stop himself from attaching himself to Logan’s side. 

Although… As betrayed as he’s felt these last two years, as sad and as angry as he’s been… It faded as the four of them spent the night playing D&D, sinking six hours into it, making a clumsy team with Logan as their ruthless DM. It faded away for very familiar feelings to take its place. 

That morning, after Patton went to bed and Logan went to work, Roman found himself wandering towards Virgil’s room. He was so confused, and surprised, and he didn’t think he could wait any longer- He had to talk to Virgil. During their relationship, nobody could calm him down and make him see clearly the way Virgil could. He hoped they hadn’t lost that, that all this time apart hadn’t made them strangers. 

Virgil called him in after knocking, looking a little wary. He knew it couldn’t have been Logan, so it was either Patton to chew him out about all he did to Roman, or Roman himself, which had its own problems attached. 

“Hey,” Virgil said haltingly. “You need something?”

“Not really.” Roman shrugged one shoulder, not able to meet his eyes. “Just, uh…”

Virgil scooted over and Roman took the silent invitation to sit next to him, pulling the covers over his lap. “What is it?” Virgil actually looked concerned, and Roman hated that that surprised him. 

“Does it feel… Weird to you?” He risked peeking at Virgil, risked noticing the way his faded purple fell in his eyes and the way he still looked so, so tired. “Being back together?”

Virgil fell silent, and Roman was patient. He knew the face Virgil made when he was thinking, when he was choosing his words very carefully to both say what he meant and spare feelings. His eyebrows scrunched up and he chewed on his upper lip and he looked, just faintly, defeated. 

“It does,” Virgil said. “But it’s not… All bad. I just don’t think we were expecting it.” 

Roman was relieved to hear that, but it also scared him, because that meant they were thinking the same thing, and that could be dangerous. He thought of Patton, Roman’s ray of sunshine. For a short amount of time, Patton was the only reason Roman stayed alive. He loved Patton fiercely, but that kind of love was familiar to him, and he had been feeling it double lately. 

“I bet you got rid of everything.” Roman didn’t mean it as an insult, but he could acknowledge that it definitely sounded like one. 

“Actually,” Virgil said, annoyed, “I still have all of it.”

Roman’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?” 

“Yeah. I was going to get rid of it during the move here, but… I don’t know.” 

He crawled over Roman to get out of bed, and went over to the closet in the corner of the room. He disappeared inside for a minute, clothes being moved on racks sounding out into the room, and came back with a scrapbook and a shoebox. 

The shoebox was unassuming, nothing like the one Roman had spent hours decorating, that still sat somewhere inside his parents’ house, or maybe the garbage at this point. The scrapbook was a lot more exuberant- They made it together. Somehow Virgil ended up with it. 

He got back into bed and set the scrapbook into Roman’s lap. 

But then they didn’t move. 

They both wanted to open it, and they knew that, but something about it felt wrong. Were they making a mistake? 

Just as Roman started to contemplate, Virgil took off the shoebox’s lid and tossed it aside. All of Roman’s concerns disappeared at the sight inside. 

At the very top, there was a brown leaf that looked like it would crumble with a single touch. On their one month anniversary, Roman took Virgil for a walk, which was really a disguise for a secluded, romantic picnic. He took Virgil down a dirt path with overarching trees, blooming all vibrant shades of green in the summer sun. Virgil wanted to stop, to check out a little alcove of trees off the path, and they ended up staying there for longer than planned. As they made their way out, Virgil plucked a leaf off one of the trees and stuffed it in his pocket. 

Now, Virgil reached down to pick it up, and under the weight of the wind it shattered, all over a card Virgil had made for Roman’s 19th birthday. 

They both snickered, and Virgil dropped his head back, frustrated and happy. Roman flipped open the cover of the scrapbook. The first picture was from Roman’s 19th birthday, about two months into their relationship. They both had writing and scribbles all over their arms, Roman’s in purple, Virgil’s in red. Virgil squinted to try and read some of it. 

In red, Don’t Forget Your Meds!! <3  

In purple, audition at 2:30. see you there 

There were drawings, random scribbles in red and little icons and comics in purple. Their arms were like that in most pictures, and in a picture they had taken at the park, where Roman had Virgil picked up with one arm, a little ink peeked out under his raised shirt, on his tummy. 

Looking at these pictures, Virgil had never felt so dumb. 

After they finished looking at the pictures, neither of them felt like letting Roman go back to his room. Guilt gnawed at Virgil’s insides as he and Roman scooted close to the wall, leaving enough room for Logan when he got back from work. They fell asleep with their legs tangled and their bangs brushing together. 

When Virgil woke up, it was like he had never gone to sleep. A blink of time passed and he peeked over Roman’s shoulder, worried Logan had gotten home and gotten angry, left to sleep somewhere else, and was only mildly relaxed to find him there in his usual spot. He had actually scooted closer than he had to in order not to fall off the bed, almost spooning Roman. 

Virgil laid there until Logan woke up. The morning was one of Virgil’s favourite times to spend with Logan, because Logan was sleepy and affectionate like a cat, and they often spent the mornings drinking coffee in silence. Just being in the same room was often enough for Virgil. 

It wasn’t like that this time. Virgil could barely look at him. Was he angry? Was he going to accuse Virgil of cheating, or wanting to leave him? 

He knew Logan would never have this conversation without at least a cup of coffee, so he stayed quiet. Logan prided himself on being able to articulate himself, and he couldn’t do that when he was tired. 

After a little bit of Virgil stewing, and cooking breakfast for four, Logan finally turned to him and said, “What’s going on? You’re freaking out.” 

“Was that inappropriate? Are you mad?” 

Logan hummed and turned off the stove, putting the pan on a different burner. “I think for normal couples, the answer would definitely be yes, and we would need to have a talk.” He opened up his arms and Virgil sunk into them, resting his head on Logan’s shoulder. “But we’re not normal. Does he make you happy?”

That wasn’t a question Virgil was prepared for. Maybe that was stupid, but it wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer, it was that he wasn’t sure if he earned the right to say it. 

But this was Logan. He was always safe with Logan. 

“Yes.” 

“Do I still make you happy?” 

“Yes!” Virgil pulled back, looking at Logan in concern and panic. “What kind of question is that?!” 

Logan cupped Virgil’s face in his hands and kissed him, just firm enough to keep him grounded, to remember where he was. Virgil rested his hands on Logan’s waist and sighed into it, kissing him back. 

“We tell each other before we do things,” Logan mumbled. 

“Right. And the other has to be okay with it.”

“And I’m okay with it. And the other has to know the new person. Don’t I?”

Virgil swallowed and nodded. “Yes. And it goes both ways.” 

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Logan whispered. “But if you really can’t shake that feeling, then we should have a different conversation.”

Virgil and Logan had put their polygamy into practice before, but never for anything serious or long-term. Virgil felt guilty about a lot of things, it pretty much ruled his life, but this had never been one of them. 

“Morning, guys,” Patton said as he wandered into the room. Virgil and Logan pulled away so Virgil could make Patton a plate while Logan greeted him. 

Patton and Logan ate their breakfast and then headed into Patton and Roman’s room, because Logan promised to help Patton prepare for his job interview and then drive him there. While Virgil was making his own plate after finally getting hungry, Roman came into the kitchen. 

“Hey,” he said nervously. 

Virgil glanced back at him and then forward. “Hey. Are you hungry?” 

They sat next to each other with their plates of food, and ate in awkward silence. When Virgil went to reach for his drink, Roman set his hand over Virgil’s. He didn’t remember the last time his heart had jumped so high, or so much excitement flooded his system. 

“I have my audition today,” Roman said quietly. “Are you busy?” 

Virgil was walking on eggshells. Everything lately felt like a decision, like one way or another his life was changing, and he had to make the decisions without knowing what it would lead to. 

“I’m not busy,” he settled on, because it was the truth. 

Roman linked their fingers together, and Virgil squeezed his hand. Virgil thought of what Logan said, that he was okay with it- And suddenly Virgil realized that he himself might not be. As Roman leaned closer, Virgil jumped out of the chair and scrambled to grab his half empty plate and head into the kitchen. 

“Actually, I just remembered that I, uh, have a lot of stuff to get done today,” he stuttered, fumbling for a tupperware to put his leftover food into. “Sorry, I, uh, can’t make it. Sorry.”

“Virgil.” Roman frowned and stood, coming over to him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just- I can’t make it.” Virgil slid his food into the fridge and put his dishes in the dishwasher. He tried leaving, but Roman was blocking the way out of the kitchen. “I can’t make it, okay?”

Roman looked at him in frustration, and hurt. Virgil hated how familiar that was. Of all the things Virgil wanted to see again now that Roman was back in his life, that was last on the list. “Do you think- Maybe we should talk about what happened? Because you’re acting-”

“No!” Virgil’s eyes widened. “No, what? What are you- There’s nothing to talk about. How would that help?” 

“Virgil, if you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine, but-” 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Virgil insisted, and he kind of felt like crying. 

Roman stared at him for a moment, as if waiting for him to change his mind or say he was kidding. Then Roman grabbed his keys and his jacket, and walked out the door.

Reblogs are better than likes

#roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #prinxiety #analogical #lamp #virgil #roman #patton #logan #hurt/comfort

[saltyandsassynomad]

I Am A Strong Woman But A Vulnerable Child

circa 1995

This was written during an English class of my freshman year of college.  We were tasked with coming up with a title or tagline for ourselves.  What is below is exactly what I wrote; no changes have been made. 25+ years later and sadly I have many of the same feelings.  

The life I live now started when my parents got divorced, that was back in the 4th grade, 1986.  My little sister and I went to live with my mother and my older sister went to live with my dad.  Everything seemed to be going OK until my mom lost her job. Come to find out from the other relatives, it was because she was getting a little too personal with the patients she worked with.  I never found out if it was true or not.  Before she lost her job she met this man named Dennis.  He was a veteran of the Vietnam War and an amputee so my mom took an instant liking to him.  Both my little sister, Michelle, and I went to meet him at the hospital (after my mom lost her job).  He was very friendly to us and us to him.  Shortly after that he went to Wisconsin to “take care of some business.”  We talked to him almost everyday and seemed to be getting really attached.  On one of our weekend visits to our fathers house, something happened to my sister Michelle.  She decided she didn’t want to go home to Mom.  WHen I got home there was a cop talking to my mom.  Apparently Michelle and Dad were pressing child abuse charges against my mom, claiming she hit us with extension cords, belts, coat hangers, etc.  It was all true but the funny thing was that both my parents did this to us when they were married.  I don’t know what made Michelle change her mind and to this day it is one thing I will also never know.  

When Dennis got back from Wisconsin he and Mom decided to get married.  They didn’t have any rings so they used foil and made some.  They went down to the city hall and got hitched.  During the ceremony Dennis was very much drunk.  That should have been the first clue something was wrong.  Back at our apartment Dennis continued to drink.  While drunk he would go around in his wheelchair banging into the walls, leaving holes, scratches, and all other kinds of marks.  This led to the eviction of our “happy little family.”  Mom and Dennis decided to move to Oregon to start again.  This would have been OK except mom's car just got repossessed.  Their first goal was to find a car.  Since we had 30 days to leave the apartment they went looking for a car while I was supposed to be cleaning the apartment. If the work wasn’t done up to my mothers standards by the time she got home she decided that she wasn’t going to say anything to me but instead just walk up backhand me.  I was 9 years old.  Well we eventually got to Portland, Oregon.  Since we had nowhere to live, Dennis went to the VA hospital and got himself admitted.  There was a man there that had a family and offered to let me stay with them while Mom and Dennis found somewhere else to stay.  My new room with the family I didn’t know was in the basement of their house.  Luckily there was a school down the street so I went and enrolled.  Missing my other family members again, my mom still insisting that they didn’t want anything to mdow th me.  She had already told me this before and now I believed her.  I mean she was my mother and they hadn’t made any effort to contact me (actually they had and my mother was hiding it all from me).  She had basically brainwashed into believing they hated me.  I stayed with this family for about 3 months when Mom & Dennis decided they were going to move back to California.  They left me with the family I was staying with so they could go back and get everything set up.  This was only one of the many times in my life where I was left behind for something better.  

After about 3 more months with this family, they decided they didn’t want me there anymore.  I got moved to a shelter for pregnant and runaway teens.  I was still in the 6th grade.  I stayed there for about 6 months before Mom & Dennis came to get me.  We ended up in Concord, CA.  At first we stayed with this “lawyer” guy that Dennis knew.  I came to find out later that Dennis knew him through their drug deals with each other. Finally we lived in an apartment in a not-so-good part of town.  I enrolled in school again and finally finished 6th grade.  All the while neither Dennis nor my mother have a job.  They use his disability and go begging at churches for food.  Welfare and food stamps were a big part of my life.  During this time the abuse got worse.  It was not only physical but also mental and verbal.  Luckily never sexual like my earliest years.  

There was a school closer to my house than the one I was going to.  I had to transfer and once again had to leave my old school friends behind and make new ones.  At my new school I met a girl named Laura.  At first weren’t that good of friends but later in my life she became an instrumental part of helping me survive.  The problems at my house were getting so bad I ended up spending Christmas eve with my neighbor and her family.  My mom would tell me that no one wanted me because I was dirty and disrespectful.  When we were kids we were taught to never disrespect someone so where she got this idea, I don’t know.  She would also let Dennis’ mother call me a “dirty little Mexican whore” and not say anything.  One time she decided that she didn’t want me there anymore and made me pack all my stuff to move out (I was in 7th grade).  When I was done packing she had me put all my stuff on the porch and sit outside.  She finally decided that I could stay and made me unpack everything.  Another example are the times she would get me a dog, let me keep it for a few months, get attached to them then say “it ran away” while I was at school.  I know she gave them (more than one) away.  

One day in 8th grade I decided I couldn’t take anymore of the abuse so when my mother proceeded to hit me again I fought back and defended myself.  I threw a bowl at her and had to swing a walking stick to keep her off me.  She never hit me again.  

Shortly after that we got evicted again.  We lived in our car for a while then Dennis devised some plan to get himself admitted to a hospital so he had somewhere to stay.  The hospital was in San Francisco and my mom went to visit him all the time.  Some nights she would stay with him so that meant I was in the car by myself.  I eventually lived with my next door neighbor for a couple of weeks.  One day my mom called to talk to me and I told her I wanted to find my dad and stay with him.  She flipped out.  The next day when I came home from school my neighbor, Candy, told me “they’re coming to get you.”  A feeling told me inside that something bad would happen if I went with them, so I took off for Laura’s house (we had become good friends by this time).  I explained the situation to her mom and she was trying to help me out.  I ended up going to the police station and staying there for a while.  After explaining what happened, they decided the best thing for me was to stay in another shelter for troubled kids.  After some pushing and prodding, I got to stay with Laura.  My Mom didn’t fuss or fight or anything.  

That is until  a few weeks later when she decided that I needed counseling (for all 3 of us).  Since I admitted I wasn’t happy and had thought about dying, I was admitted to a special hospital where I spent a week.  By the time I left the hospital, they said my mother needed the evaluation not me.  I stayed with Laura and finished 8th grade.  I started prepping for high school when my Mom decided to stir everything up and cause problems.  By law when you don’t want to live with our parents and there is trouble in the house, you have to live with relatives before friends.  I chose my aunt and uncle in Pleasanton because they had more money than any other relatives and I was sick of being poor.  I never told them this and I never will.  

I left my old friends behind again.  I thought everything was going to be OK.  I even called my dad after not seeing him for over 4 years and talked to him.  We both cried.  Well to try and make a very long story shorter, he is now a very big drug addict along with my older sister.  My little sister now lives with another aunt and uncle.  My dad doesn’t care about me, only his drugs and I know this for a fact.  My mother and I haven’t spoken in over 5 years and right now I have no intention of speaking to her.  She is supposed to love me unconditionally and she didn’t.  No one ever has.  My aunt and uncle that I live with have negative feelings towards me because of my parents behaviors and actions.  They are doing everything they can to make me leave.  They are also mentally abusive.  Mostly my uncle.  But I’ve been through too much in my life to let this set me back.  I am determined to graduate from college.  No one in my family ever has.  

So you see, I am a strong woman in the aspect that I have been through so much and I can handle most anything.  I would never change a thing because it has made me stronger.  Except for one thing.  I am a vulnerable child when it comes to love.  No one has ever loved me unconditionally and it tears me apart.  There is a hole in my heart.  Everyone that I have remotely cared for has found someone or something better.  I have never been #1.  This will stay with me until the day I die. To know that your parents and even the rest of your family doesn’t want you around, can tear you apart.  I am a strong person and I will survive.  There is a reason this is all happening to me.  Well more than one.  One of them is I will never be like my parents or the rest of my family.  I can overcome anything...eventually.  

#reflection #long reads #writing #vulnerable #abandoned #unloved #i can do this #healing #strongwoman

[mist-over-water]

Decade in Review.

2010.

One of the newest members in my group of friends began spreading lies about me, saying that I had been bitching about everyone behind their back. I hadn’t obviously, but they believed her, and in the space of a day, I had lost all of the friends I had made in my five years during high school. My first lesson of the decade: if I have something to say to someone, just say it! 

I left high school, with one friend, whom I had had since primary school. I passed all of my GCSEs, and I began sixth form. I was part of the first year to attend this sixth form, and it was exciting to help work out the kinks, and I got to study two different types of English (language and literature), photography and sociology. 

After my brothers’ girlfriend had suffered a miscarriage the previous year, she got pregnant again, and my twin nieces (Ellie and Layla) were born; they were premature, but oh so perfect, and changed my life, honestly. 

I went to North Carolina, and spent my sixteenth birthday there, where I met my best online friend. I had an amazing time, and again, it was an experience that changed my life forever. 

I stopped speaking to my dad, for many reasons; that’s such a long story, that now’s not the time. 

My mum’s boyfriend moved in, and began a seven year story of abuse.

2011.

I met four of my best friends; they changed me so much for the better. WE shared some good memories, some of which I still cry reminiscing on to this day. 

After getting scolded at sixth form, I actually began putting some effort into my A Levels, shocking my teachers at what I was capable of!

The friend I visited in America came to visit me in England for three weeks, though as none of us could drive, it was not half as exciting and action packed as my time in North Carolina! Sorry about that!

One of my best friends that turned my back on me in the previous year? I began speaking to her again, she is still my best friend to this day, and we began opening up about our struggles with mental health a lot more.

I began bulking my CV out a lot more, between work experience at my old high school, and volunteering at a charity shop and an art gallery, I barely had any time for myself!

I also began running a creative writing club at sixth form, which formed the basis of them beginning the creative writing A Level! One of my proudest achievements.

My mums dachshund got pregnant, and we kept one of them - my little dachshund/Jack Russell cross, Molly!

2012

My hard work paid off - I was the only one in my group of friends to get offers from all five universities I applied for! My first choice was University of Lincoln, and I moved 150 miles away from everyone I knew to study English.

I became a really shitty person. With the psychological abuse my mums boyfriend put me through, that friend who came to visit me, and I went to visit? I treated her awfully. I pushed her away on purpose, I hurt her so bad. I think about it every day, and every day I regret it.

I joined the Anime Society, and met a lot of great, fucked up people. I met people on my course. I met a lot of people, most I don't speak to anymore, but given half the chance, I'd welcome them back in my life with open arms.

I began drinking too much, like I don't remember much of my first year, I tried passing this toxic behaviour off as a personality trait. How wrong was I.

2013

A long story, but I got in my first 'relationship that wasn't a relationship', and he broke up with me at the beginning of the summer as he was finishing university, and I was only just beginning, and we lived on other sides of the country.

Upon reflection on things I ultimately regret, I made the decision to begin speaking to my dad again. He ultimately got married, in a wedding I was the only family member to not be invited.

I moved in with four gay people, and experienced the best parties I've ever been too, honestly. Though as housemates, they were insanely flawed.

I got into my first real relationship! He was psychologically abusive, took all of my money, nearly got me kicked out of university, made me lose all my friends, and... What a fella.

He raped me, five days before Christmas. I still suffer with trauma from this, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

2014

I attempted suicide. I broke my families heart and I promised my Nanny Gate that I would never hurt myself again.

I broke up with my boyfriend! To which my housemates took me out for drinks and a celebratory meal. They had no idea what had happened to me, but they knew he was bad news.

My dad forced my mum to sell my childhood home, forcing me, my mum and our abuser to move into a tiny two bedroom house, with seven dogs.

Another niece, Imogen, was born!

As well as drinking too much, I began trying drugs, trying to pass it off as a quirky part of my personality.

That friend that I visited in America, and she visited me in England? I began speaking to her again. Although we don't speak much, I could talk to her every day if I could. I'm so thankful that even if she didn't forgive me for everything I did to her, she put it behind her to rekindle our friendship.

I moved in with two of my best friends! Though by the end of the year, we would hate one of them. This happened all the places I lived during university.

I began dating a man I thought I would marry.

(Also, fun fact, I went on holiday to Walton-on-the-Naze that year, where I stayed at the same part of the caravan park @onetruejonsey lived with his girlfriend at the time, I got drunk, and got lost, and tried to get into his caravan! If that's not fate...)

2015

I got my degree without much effort, and I realised I've never really tried at anything. My dad and my boyfriend didn't attend my graduation, but mum and I had a blast.

For so many reasons, I fell out of love with my boyfriend, though he manipulated me into staying with him for almost a full extra year.

I got my first job as a Healthcare Assistant! But I quit as I saw too many residents being treated badly, and no manager or supervisor was interested in hearing my concerns. I done work experience at my old sixth form, trying to find an age group I'd like to teach, turns out older kids weren't that. But I did get a Christmas Temp job at EE.

2016

My boyfriend broke up with me, so angry that I had tried to break up with him and he had not let me, I got back with him just to break up with him. I am a pretty little bitch, honestly.

I went to Kenya with my mum, so we could complete our bucket list item of seeing giraffes and elephants in the wild. It was incredible, and made me reevaluate how lucky I am.

I got a job at B&Q, though my supervisors were awful, I made some good friends with other members of staff.

I planned to take my life at the end of April.

My Granddad Gate got there first, losing his battle to COPD just three days before I had planned to die. Seeing my Nanny Gate and mum, I decided to not go through with it.

While window shopping on Plenty of Fish, I met @onetruejonsey.

One of my friends from sixth form got me into trying harder drugs. I decided to stop speaking to her, I sometimes still get an angry text to this day.

Me, mum and our abuser got evicted from our house.

2017

@onetruejonsey's mum, knowing the situation with my abuse at home, offered for me to move in with them. We went to London for four days, and decided I should move in by the end of January, six months into dating.

I got a job with him and his mum at McDonalds, we were everyone's parents, and it was amazing.

I was discriminated against because of my mental health, and I gave a days notice that I was quitting. Someone else put in a formal complaint about how they had treated me, which made me feel a lot better about everything.

My Nanny Gate was hospitalised over Christmas, where she stopped speaking, eating, and drinking. Her three favourite things.

2018

@onetruejonsey and I experienced the worst argument I've ever had in a relationship; one of which I still think back to, to try and figure out what happened, and learn from.

My poor mum went off work sick for a broken foot and got evicted from her bungalow in the same month, meaning she had to go back to our abuser.

My Nanny Gate died, but my mum, brother and I were all with her when she passed.

This meant my mum had to pack my Nanny Gate's belongings as well as her own bungalow, the deadline for each was only a couple of days from each other. I moved back in with her for a month to help with this.

I was unemployed for five months, and after working so hard to get out of my overdraft during my time at McDonalds, I ended up with £5 in my bank.

With my Nanny Gate not around to say anything anymore, I began self-harming again. Though @onetruejonsey then made me promise to stop it, and I hate breaking my promises.

I got a job as a Housekeeper at Premier Inn, after my second interview. It was only a Summer job, and they tried so hard to fire me, but never found the grounds. After a teaching job fell through, I got my act together and became one of the best housekeepers at the site.

My fourth, and final niece, little Millie was born. With her ginger curly hair, my heart could have burst with love.

@onetruejonsey and I have a tradition to go to the zoo for my birthday, with my mum and nieces. Surrounded by them and giraffes, he got down on one knee and proposed to me! I cried so much, and so many people congratulated us. Even the guy who yelled "HAS SHE SAID YES YET" which makes me laugh everytime!

2019.

@onetruejonsey and I learnt to drive, and we brought our little car, Moss. We have plans to update him to a better car ASAP, but at the moment, I'm so in love with him that I can't bare the thought of getting rid of him!

After nearly getting our own flat, I can't imagine life without a dog. We decided to stay put with his parents, and save as much money as we can to buy a house. A house we will raise our children in one day, dog and bearded dragon included!

2018 was such a shit year, it took up until Summer this year to recover fully from it. When we decided to start planning our wedding. Of which we have booked 90% of everything.

I went on my twenty-first teaching interview, and after that rejection, I decided the universe was sending me a sign. I had not enjoyed any of my previous work experience, and I didn't enjoy working with the kids during interviews. I made a conscious decision that I would not pursue that anymore.

I was discriminated against at Premier Inn when I went into crisis with my menal health, the same day our hotel manager was visiting with an apprenticeship tutor. I spoke to her, and she offered me a job at a different site, where I would do housekeeping and reception, and an apprenticeship, and get a pay rise, AND one day becoming assistant hotel manager, but maybe at a different site.

My decade did not go as planned. I hoped to be teaching by now, but the universe has had different plans for me. A lot of bad stuff has happened to me, but that's karma I suppose. While at university, I spoke to a good friend, and we talked about how bullshit dream jobs were, and I made a promise to myself that I wanted to grow up to be unapologetically happy. So in this decade, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to work whatever job will pay me that I enjoy, I will come home to a fiance who loves me and I love him, we will have our wedding, we will buy our house together and drive in whatever car we can get, I don't care what it cost or how new it is, we will have our Bassett Hound and whatever little pets we want, and we will one day have children together. And that child will be so loved, I will move mountains for them to never experience pain and hurt of the likes we have experienced.

#personal

[thrill-cfthechase]

@gallaghertasks​

to Tucker and Forrest:

hello to my favorite shitheads. 

as much as i hate to admit it, i miss my bros. mostly because i’ve been working on my spinning back elbow and would love to test it out on you idiots, but maybe also because i love you, just the teeniest bit. maybe. it sucked not seeing you on thanksgiving or christmas, but i understand. plane tickets from virginia to seattle are expensive. and no offense forrest, but i’d rather hitchhike back to santa rosa than go to a protest with greenpeace in the winter. 

tuck, please send more pics of mia. she’s starting to look like less of a potato and more like a person. i still can’t believe you have a tiny person. i’m sad i won’t get to meet her until summer.  but i looked it up and she won’t be sentient for another few weeks, so she’ll only not know me for a few months. and i have until she’s two to start making real memories with her. also please tell alison that i say hi and i’m sorry she has to put up with you.

forrest, do you ever think that maybe you took your name too literally? just kidding. i’m very glad that you’re trying to save trees and shit. but you’re not sending me pictures of rambo and seriously, i’m offended. if tuck can send pictures of his baby baby, then you can send pictures of your furbaby. i don’t care how often you go away camping. i don’t have anything for you to tell james, except for how great i am, but that goes without saying.

school is good. the fact that i get actual credits for advanced martial arts training is basically the best thing ever. i think it’s cool how kinesiology can come in handy for my mma days. and it’s very informative, so i think you’ll both be happy that that’s my major. last semester the lowest grade i got was a B, and it was for a film history elective. and i even got an A in a class where we did jiu jitsu. my being amazing won’t surprise you, of course, but i thought you’d like to know. and ultimately, they’re giving me a full ride, so what’s not to love?

i talked to dad last week for the first time since the summer. i didn’t really want to, but now i’m a little worried for him. he didn’t sound good, and he mentioned the landlord being “a useless garbage fucker” which i’m pretty sure means that he threatened to evict him again. i’m not even sure if he still has a job. i know i should have said something sooner but we had a special winter break program and things just got so hectic that i forgot. if one of you could check on him i’d really appreciate it. i don’t know what else to do.

yikes. that was a downer. to end on a positive note, here’s some selfies with spruce (see forrest? it’s not that hard)

mucho love, smelliot & spruce bringsteen 

#gallagher:task #im doing old tasks because i want to?? #me doing all of them because i have no chill? more likely than you'd think #not 𝔣𝔯𝔞𝔤𝔦𝔩𝔢 like a 𝔣𝔩𝔬𝔴𝔢𝔯; 𝔣𝔯𝔞𝔤𝔦𝔩𝔢 like a 𝔟𝔬𝔪𝔟 ❛ visage ❜ #𝔞 𝔤𝔦𝔯𝔩'𝔰 𝔟𝔢𝔰𝔱 𝔣𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔡 ❛ spruce bringsteen ❜ #I FUCKING FORGOT TO POST THESE FOR LIKE A WEEK ??? #the fuck is wrong with me

[jellycreamjammedart]

please give us more smash bros ultimate sitcom edition highlights or insights

Fine. Just remember YOU asked for it.

Mornings almost always start with a battle already. The reason being fighting over who gets to use the coffee machine first and get the first mug of the morning (children smashers and coffee-repulsed smashers usually don’t partake… doesn’t mean they won’t fight over something else like, I don’t know, the last cookie.) It’s all attributed to early morning crankiness though, smashers quickly settle afterwards and the day goes normally.

Peach is like that model citizen/resident/neighbor… except when she’s hanging with Daisy.

Yoshi is that one resident often threatened with eviction or getting REAL close to being evicted, but never really getting evicted. Since he doesn’t do his taxes, it’s likely he’s not very on-day with his rent either. Yet despite that he’s a well-liked resident/neighbor. He’s also the main guy on setting up for Easter holidays with his eggs that can pop like fireworks.

Kirby is ALWAYS doing BBQ parties (usually on weekends) with hella abundant amounts of food for everybody (and himself too of course.) Everybody is okay with that.

You often find ones like Little Mac and Incineroar at the gym. It’s their natural habitat after all. You can also find Sonic in there sometimes, usually blowing up the chronometers of the treadmills. Wii Fit Trainers are very often there too, they’re the gym manager after all.

Bowser and King K. Rool are those ‘infamous’ residents who are always said to be the hard-to-handle-and-deal-with and always in a bad mood therefore people usually opt not to approach them for things. But when they do it turns out Bowser isn’t 100% what people think, usually a low-tier pleasant surprise. King K. Rool is 100% accurate though.

Bowser Jr. usually has a difficult time finding stable playmates because other smash kids either are wary or scared of who’s his Dad. He ends up finding one in Isabelle so she kinda ends up becoming his unofficial babysitter too.

Like Tumblr, literally EVERYBODY is a sucker for Halloween. No exceptions. The sitcom sure gets REALLY spoopy during Octobers… aND THE WHOLE FIRST HALF OF NOVEMBER.

During Christmas holidays, all adult smashers (even those who have low affinity among themselves) work together to secure the eggnog, or else the kid smashers will try to sneak into some of them. Except Wario. Guy couldn’t care less.

In addition to that, everybody seems to share the hilarious love for ugly (Christmas) sweaters during the jolly season too. It’s almost like they actually compete to see which one has the ugliest/most ridiculous sweater. Yes, even Bayonetta.

If the power goes out for whatever reason, Pikachu and Pichu provide emergency energy till the power gets stabilized. It’s not enough to power everything to the normal capacity, but enough for more critical things like keeping the refrigerators running and minimal illumination so nobody’s stubbing their toes in the dark.

If someone gets an injury or falls sick, Dr. Mario is immediately the one resident/neighbor everybody calls.

There’s the rumors among smashers that Joker did in fact steal Waluigi’s invitation but it never goes beyond a rumor. Joker himself also always gives the rumor the benefit of doubt– though he doesn’t deny the fact his invite is indeed stolen.

Captain Falcon is a little bit of a flirt towards the girl smashers, but poor guy just hecking sucks at that stuff. He’s often asking Mario for advice, who ain’t the guy to deny help. Problem is, Mario TOO sucks at that stuff, 20 or so years and he still hasn’t asked Peach out so what gives.

Got insomnia? Feeling restless? Just knock on Jigglypuff’s door and they’ll have the thing that’ll just work nicely. Just don’t be surprised if you wake up later with your face all doodled up in sharpie.

The Inklings are often accidentally clogging their place’s plumbing with ink, so Mario and Luigi are often there fixing it. Happens at least once a week.

Toon Link’s that one guy who gets himself pizza for lunch.

Wii Fit Trainer is that resident/neighbor who always knows recipes for healthy diets, often sharing said recipes with others or suggesting some if anybody ever asked them like “do you know any diet that helps stabilize my immune system?” Basically, they’re the local nutritionist. And its not BS recipes, they’re indeed healthy, and delicious ones none the less! Wii Fit Trainer and Dr. Mario are often exchanging body/health-related knowledge between each other, too.

Duck Hunt Dog is a good boy. *Everybody* gives him at least a passing pat if they walk past him.

King Dedede is the local memelord. He along with Isabelle and Luigi are known for being great with kids (plus Kirby.)

Mr. Game & Watch and Zelda/Sheik are the ones always buying the groceries and making sure they have everything.

Bowser, being the smasher who’s a dad (he’s got Bowser Jr.) surprisingly knows his way into the dad jokes if he’s in enough of a good mood. The reactions to them are… a mixed bag.

Samus is that one dud who likes pineapple pizza, so naturally she gets some teasing over that, especially from Diddy… but everything changed one day when Wario was caught eating by himself a green peas and mayo pizza. Samus’ pineapple pizza was the most normal topping when compared to that atrocity.

Luigi is no secret a bit of a cowardly, which is, nothing wrong really! But he has a secret hobby of playing horror games privately as an attempt to train himself to be braver. Whether that works or not is hard to tell, but he’s sure the one smasher who’s seeking Jigglypuff’s help to sleep the most. Guy also has a bigger knack for indie horror games since they’re usually more diverse.

The Ice Climbers always have good life hacks to keep one warm during Winter, so they’re the go-to ones if that’s what a smasher wants.

Palutena is that one who’s known for making cute stuff (like, bracelets, cute custom household items, etc). If a smasher wants something of that sort they can order something from her. Also whenever it’s a smash’s birthday, her gift is always handmade.

Speaking of which, Link is that one smasher who always forgets or blanks out on his own birthday.

IF YOU FOR WHATEVER REASON HAVE CATNIP KEEP IT AWAY FROM INCINEROAR AT ALL TIMES FOR GOD’S SAKE

Sonic is the main reason *nobody* forgets or gets sloppy with putting up ‘wet floor’ or ‘waxed floor’ signs. You can imagine why.

No matter how high-tier, skilled, or powerful a smasher is, *EVERYBODY* will get one-hit KO’d if they stub their toes against furniture, or step on a lego. The latter is rare but has happened, usually after the kid smashers have playtime and missed some lego pieces when putting everything back away.

(if you have your own smash ultimate sitcom headcanons then mcfreaking go wild!)

#super smash bros #super smash bros ultimate #anonymous #question #questions #jellycream answers #long post #shitpost

[thepointofthestory]

Pressure Release Valve

I’m starting this blog as a way to release some of the pressure I’m experiencing.  A journal to help me process what’s going on and deal with it.  I process verbally a lot, which is good, but I can’t afford a therapist right now so I’ve been leaning heavily on friends - and they’re amazing for listening to me, but, I just keep going over the same shit again and again and they have to be getting tired of me.  I can’t vent on Facebook anymore - because that’s just so fraught.  Anonymous venting onto Tumblr seems like it’s worth trying.   So, here we go - first real post.  This is some background about one of the topics that’s got me deeply wound.  

My father is an elderly man.  He is 71 years old with Type 2 Diabetes, Severely Reduced Kidney Function, and Moderate to Severe Sleep Apnea. 

A Quick Medical Overview about 15 years ago my dad was in a long term relationship with a woman and was living in her home.  During that period he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and, because he snores to wake the fucking devil, she made him do a sleep study and he was diagnosed with Moderate to Severe Sleep Apnea and given a CPAP machine.   About 4 years ago my father’s kidney’s failed.  He had a UTI and went in for a contrast dye test for some other issue, and, the combination of those things plus my dad’s unchecked Type 2 Diabeties (and very high blood sugar levels) made his kidney’s throw up their hands and go “Fuck it, we’re done!” 

He spent THREE FULL WEEKS in the hospital.  At first trying different treatments to see if they could “reboot” my dad’s Kidneys, then, after a day or two doing Dyalisis and getting his bloodwork stabalized.  Three full weeks.  And he nearly died.  

He was released to Hospice/Rehab care where they assessed his abilities and capabilities.  They recomended a walker.  Set up on-going out-patient Dyalisis treatments.  Literally helped him get back on his feet.  The Rehab center was wonderful and recomended that he move to a facility with nursing staff.  Not that he go into a “Home” or Hospice care, just... a place with medical staff on hand.  Someone to help him manage his diet and medications.  He refused.  Because he’s a grown man, see. 

THREE days later he called me at 2 am hysterical.  Utterly freaking out.  At the time I had a 5 month old baby and I was awake when he called because I was nursing my son.  But also I lived an hour and a half away from him and could not understand what he was saying or what was going on.  I was sleep deprived.  I hung up on him.  My sister ended up calling an ambulance to check on him, which was good, because his blood sugar had crashed out so low he was having a delustional episode.  

He went back to the hospital.  He got stabalized again and relased to go home within 48 hours, but, with the caveat that he take a Diabetes 2 education class.  I agreed to go with him to the classes - which were at a location close to his house.  So I drove an hour and a half to pick him up, sat through an hour of class, drove him home, made him fucking dinner and then drove an hour and a half back home with breasts that were, at that point, painfully full of milk - because there was no possible time to pump in that whole mess of activity. 

The course was 5 classes long, after the 4th class we got into an argument about how he couldn’t just eat McDonalds all the time anymore.  Because the class had focused on how fast food was an especially bad choice to make for Diabetics who have other health issues.  The teacher had specifically pulled up the nutritional information for a BASIC McDonalds Hamburger and talked about all the reasons why it was bad for blood sugar, even though - yes, there was a high protein count, there were all these added sugars.  Our argument began by me basically saying “Now that someone else has said it, will you please stop doing this?”  The argument ended when he OPENED THE PASSENGER DOOR OF THE CAR WHILE IT WAS IN MOTION AND THREATENED TO THROW HIMSELF OUT.

I had to pull the car over, get out, shove him back into the car (as he wasn’t able to right himself) while he hit me in the shoulders and threw a tantrum like a toddler about how all the women in his life have ever done is screw him over. I didn’t go to the 5th class.  I’m not sure if he did.  And I didn’t talk to him or deal with him for months. 

During those months my sisters (both younger) discovered that he was so deeply in debt that he was going have all his utilities shut off and to be evicted from his apartment if he was late on another payment.  So, they took over his finances.  Like, litterally took them over.  My youngest sister (who we’ll call Teri) is his Trustee for his social security payments, and, all his money goes into an account that she has access too but that he does not.  My middle sister (Who we’ll call Beth) now manages the day to day bill paying and distribution of the account, including putting money weekly onto a pre-paid debit card that my dad has access too for shopping and miscelaneous expenses. 

About six or nine months passed and things had evened out a little.  My father was coming out to see my son on a fairly regular basis.  I was ignoring him to the best of my ability.  Working. Raising my son.  Ignoring.   And then I got a call, while I was at work, from my father.  He needed to go to the ER, he said.  To schedule a surgery apointment.  Huh?  He had a wound on his big toe that wouldn’t heal.  This happens with Type 2 Diabetics, so it wasn’t a surprise. I was already aware of the wound and that he was seeing doctors about it.  He had assured me that he was taking care of the wound and he was having apointments reguarly to have it dressed and assessed, so, I hadn’t done any digging into it.  Apparently his doctor had recomended surgery and told him that he should go to the ER in the morning and get scheduled for a surgery apointment... which doesn’t make any sense at all.  That’s ... not how that works? 

So, I took a break at work and called Kaiser.  I spoke to someone who read me the visitation notes from the doctor.  Basically, the doctor had come to the conclusion that the tissue was damaged enough that it needed to be abraded and recomended that my father be transported to the hospital and admitted and scheduled for surgery that night.  My dad, who was STILL paying off the ambulance bills from his last two hospital stays refused to go.  He said he’d drive himself in the morning.  His doctor recomended against that and suggested that, if he didn’t want to be transported via ambulance he could get a family member to pick him up.  He refused.  The doctor made a note in the after visit information that this course of action could result in serious issues up to and including DEATH and that my father was refusing/leaving the office against medical advice. 

So.... I got a friend who drives Uber to pick my dad up at his apartment and take him to the closest ER.  I met them there.  There is a whole story associated with this pick up and my friend had to get his car detailed afterwards.  Whee. 

When I got to the ER they had my dad laid out in a hospital gown and had done some initial blood testing and my dad was waiting in a curtianed area.  His blood sugar was all out of whack.  He had an infection in his toe that threatened to spread to his blood - and if you don’t know, blood poisoning is fucking deadly.  They were running fluids and antibiotics via IV.   The toe was necrotic.  Unsaveable.  They needed to remove it ASAP.  It was a good thing I had gotten him in tonight, the doctor told me.  If he had waited until morning he might have fallen asleep and never woken up.  

They ended up removing his big toe from the first knuckle to the tip, and wrapping it up.  He went back to Hospice/Rehab and spent another 3 weeks learning how to use a cane to help him walk.  He was instructed to use the cane all the time, but especially while he was recovering from surgery.  He never used it, still doesn’t.  

Another six months pass.  It’s December now his toe has never healed from surgery.  Refusing to use the cane has put too much pressure on the toe and it won’t heal.  Being diabetic makes it important that he keep it clean and dry, but, he continues to stand up to pee ... and misses the toilet regularly.  So... he’s peeing on his open wound and not changing the bandage or cleaning the wound.  

And, so, there’s a need for a second surgery.  This time they take the whole toe.  And it’s back to rehab.  Again.  Where he ends up pushing for release early - and ends up getting authorized to go home on Christmas Eve.  This time he promises he’ll use his cane.  He does not.  

It’s been two years now without any catastropic injuries or events.  He’s mostly stabalized but his kidney function is in the 24% range (which is a failing grade on any test I can think of) but means that he doesn’t require regular Dyalisis.  His Diabetes is under control only with the help of medication, and his A1C is generally in the 6-7 range, which is boarderline and if it gets any worse will not be able to control it with the meds he’s on.  He’ll have to do insulin injections - this is an ineveitablity.  But he doesn’t test his blood sugar.  

He continues to ignore the dietary recomendations for both his Diabetic and Renal conditions.  He refuses to use his cane.   My father comes out to my house on Tuesdays to spend time with my son.  Mostly he naps in the chair in the living room and we feed him dinner, so at least he’s getting one good meal a week.  But, recenly, over the last three months he’s been falling more.  He shows up to my place with new visible scrapes and bruises every week.  He always wears slacks and a button up shirt, sometimes with a sweater.  So, the visible bruising is on his wrists, hands, and face.  In addition to that he *falls down* in front of me once every two weeks or so.  These falls are not little falls.  He trips, looses his balance and just CRUMPLES into a heap on the floor.  Usually face first.  Often he doesn’t even have time to put his hands out to slow his fall.  

Recently, I suggested we move his recliner so that it was out of the walk-way into his living room.  I have noticed that he often bumps into it or starts to stumble when walking through the narrow walk-way to get into his living room, because it’s in the way.  I suggested we move it to the other side of the coffee table, about 2 feet to the right.  And then, before he could protest, I said that if that meant he was too close to the TV, that we could then swap where his desk and TV sit, which would clear his desk chair out from in front of the entrance to the kitchen - removing another hazard.  

Keep in mind:  I DO THIS FOR A LIVING.  I am a personal organizer and I help reorganize and reorder people’s spaces for better work-life flow.  I am not simply making random suggestions.  I’ve thought about this for a while, and, it was a soft suggestion, not an order or an edict. 

But he flipped the fuck out on me.  He dug deep into the past to pull out some horrible bullshit he *did do me* as a kid and tried to weaponize it like it was shit I did to him.  It was dramatastic and awful, and, in hindsight probably an indication that his blood sugar is way off.  Because he was super irrational and kept saying he was shaking. 

I just get to sucked into his fucking tantrums and bullshit, because of a life-long dynamic of screaming fights and hysteria on his part.  I try.  I really do.  But I never recognize the possible low/high bloodsugar behavior until after the fact.  

#bitching #venting #parents #diabetic #diabetes #kidney failure #renal #diet #cane #falling #falling hazard #tripping hazard #over reaction #over reacting #frustration #medical drama #death and dying

[gjr1086]

Sometimes the hero needs saving...

So i don't really post much unless i have me feels going. But i think it's time u guys kno my story..

Since I was a kid my brother n my dad would always fight. I've seen my dad slam my brother through a wall when i was 14 n felt helpless... both of them are big guys with short fuses n thick skulls..

Throughout my teens i was picked on n bullied cause of my eczema (sever constant dry skin. Almost like having a heat rash n sunburn at the sme time). I wasn't popular but i made my own rep n was able to make friends easily. However, being so nice gets u taken advantage of.

I had a lot of messed up n abusive relationships to the point that being treated like a worthless piece of wasted skin. As hard to say all this it's time for me to let go of these heavy weight that I've been carrying around all my life.

When i got pregnant in 2008 my ex husband would cheat on me with random females (some from craigslist). The stress before n during my pregnancy landed me in the OR to have an emergency c-section cause my daughter's heart rate kept dropping (i wanted to have her naturally but my body only dialated 3-5cm. I spent the next 5 days in the hospital trying to learn how to walk n take a piss on my own with out having an accident. When we got home my ex husband tells me that with the complecations during surgery the doctor gave him a choice on who to save in the event that we both start crashing. He tells him to save his wife cause we can always make another baby.

After that he just kept abusing me mentally n emotionally by staying out at outrageous hours saying he has to work (as an electrician who's hours of operation end at 5pm. He leaves at 6am n cames home at 2am the next morning). I had enough n snapped on him tue daybafter my daughter's first Christmas. My mom took the baby out of the room so i could sleep n my ex runs his mouth about my mom invading our room n messing with the baby. (Mind u i am still pretty raw from having my daughter less then a month before). Idk what came over me but when he turned his bck to me in the middle of the conversation i saw red n pulled him back saying "don't turn ur fucking back on me again n look at me when i am talking to u" he seemed like he was gonna swing n i would have let him just to fuel my rage more.. something took over me n i fractured 3 or his ribs, gave him a black eye and a busted lip.. we split for bout 3 weeks but he would "try" to see the baby n ended up saying that he wanted to come home. But that didn't last long. We separated about a month later n he hasn't seen his daughter since she was 4 months old..

After that all my relationship were extremely difficult on both ends cause i seem to be attracting n am attracted to ppl as broken as I was.. thinking I could save them.. when really i needed to he saved. I was told by my over 5 yr ex that fairytales don't exsist n started believing that there will never be a happy ending for me..

In 2014 my mom, dad, daughter n i moved into a house with my brother, his wife n 2 bots who came from the Philippines. Here i was thinking it was to bring the family closer but i soon came to realize it was so that we could take care of his family while he was out at sea. Big mistake cause when he was home all he did was fight n argue with my dad. My dad started getting obsessed with his plants n gardening that he watered our big ass back yard n the front garden area for almost 3 hrs a day n running up the water bill. Then shit knocked us out one by one.

Feb 2015: daughter get pneumonia n had to he admitted to the hospital for 5 days with round the clock meds.

April 2015: my dad had a mild heart attack n heat stroke from being out with his plants n not resting nor taking his meds for diabetes, high blood, hypertension, n more.

May 2015: i slipped n fell at work messing up my right knee n was in a wheelchair for 3 months n crutches in between.

June 2015: i went back to work after my injury n the same day my mom had a massive stroke leaving her paralyzed on her whole right side, damaging the entire left side of her brain n compromising her speech.

I ended up quitting my job n staying home to care for her fulltime (but only got paid for business hours). Regardless of the pay i did it for her to not suffer alone in a damn nursing home like my grandmother. Little by little things changed but not for the good.

July 2015: my dad has a melt down n acted as if he ws going to hirt someone or himself. So i told my sister in le to take the kids upstairs n lock the door while me n my 5+ ur bf took care of the situation. My brother was on the phone with me during this n told me to call the cops. My dad acted like nothing was wrong n the cops said that cant take hime because basically nothing bad happened yet... smh.

I took my sister n the kids to my aunts for the weekend while my mom was still in the hospital to let things cool off in the house n family n friends were telling me that he may need mental help.. as much as i didn't want to betray my dad i had to do what was best n he agreed to do a psych evaluation. The things that cam out of his mouth was soo cold n morbid that it broke my heart knowing that he saw demon faces on his own family's faces...

He was admitted for 72 hrs but was sent back on another incident. (I kno I'm missing a lot in between but I'm just letting my fingers do the talking for me). He was evicted n homless living in his van for 2 yrs until my brother had the bright idea to sell the house n basically made it to ever man for themselves. He did me a "generous" favor of letting me n my 3 friends rent the house as tenants.

March 26th, 2017: my mom passed away the morning after I broke things off with my 5+ yr ex. I guess she was waiting for me to do that to let her kno that I ws ready to let her go.....

April 2015: I met my recent bf (who is now ... idk not apart of my life anymore i suppose) who was basically cheating on me while he was living with me because he got fed up of my trust n insecurity issues n literallysaid "fuck it.."

Before this crap with my dude, my daughter's god father (who is also my ex) got jealous n broke his lease agreement to move to Maryland. N my so called sister (my god daughter's mom) fucked me over as well by taking advantage of my generosity n kindness to get her n my god daughter off the street n in an actual home. I tried to give her another chance to be a good mom but took too much advantage of everyone. Those two got everyone evicted n not only was my dad homeless but me, my daughter n my bf for 4 months (it may not seem long but when u are going through it.. that seems like a lifetime). In that time I learned that my bf was talking inappropriately to other females n that door that was keeping the demons locked up had broken down n won't close. I ended up swinging at him on 3 different occassions n started cutting, ripping at flesh or smoking my life away slowly since.

Friday, Aug 13, 2018 we were blessed with a new home but it doesn't feel like it just yet. Stuff isn't fully unpacked cause finances are low to get a uhaul n lack of man power is making the process longer. Since the crap with my dude happened i guess he got tired of me bitching about his neglect n abuse towards me cause he really feels like he didn't do anything wrong..

It's ok.. i always turn into the bad guy when all i did was put in all my time n effort just to have it thrown back in my face...

So I'm just sitting here feeling worthless.. n wondering what the fuck to do now... i'm just soo lost... i just wana sleep n never wake up again...

[pocketsizedsam-blog1]

The Unexpected Perks of Being a Nanny ~ Chapter One

Pairing Jared X Reader

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Swearing

"You're leaving?" To this very day, your mother's words still rang through your ears.

The look on her face made you feel a thousand times worse about your decision. Four years ago, you needed to get away from your mom. She never really felt like family to you and your dad left when you were very young. You had a half sister and half brother. Twins, born from a different father than yourself. In the divorce between your mother and your step father, he gained full custody of the twins. You were about seven when they were born and nine when you never saw them again. Today however, you sat at the desk you recently purchased in your dingy, dark basement apartment, preparing for your finals in one of Vancouver's finest Early Childhood Care and Education programs. With a smile on your face, you pushed the bad memories of your mother down and continued to read over your notes just one last time. You felt the finals went great, or so you hoped and thought. Your grades wouldn't be posted until you graduated. Recently, you made flyers detailing your hopes to work full time taking care of kids, whether it'd be a nanny or a daycare owner offered you a job. With just your luck, however, you posted your flyers one week ago and you haven't gotten a single message. You made your way back to the apartment, deciding to work on your resumé and send it out to local daycares and post it on websites promoting childcare. You heard a knock on your door and shot up, dancing over to it.

"Feel up for a drink?" Your best friend, Lacee smiled.

"Lace, you know my opinions on drinking." You frowned.

"Okay... Would you like to come with me, while I get drunk, so you can drive me home?" She grinned, brushing past you. "I don't understand how you could live in this place for so long." Her happiness turned to disgust. "It's gross."

"We don't all have daddy's money, Lacee. I'm very broke." You snickered, pushing the door shut.

"I think if I stay in this place for too long, I might cry."

"It's not that bad!" You began to defend the apartment you hated so much.

"Whatever, so will you come with me?"

"Rein-check?" You cocked your head to the side.

"C'mon, Y/N! Let loose!" She begged.

"I don't want to be a babysitter!" You grumbled.

"Uuhh then why'd you go to school to look after children?" Lacee shot back.

"Okay, correction, I don't want to be your babysitter!" Your [E/C] eyes wandered from Lacee's charcoal gray ones to your phone.

There was a message from a number you had never seen before.

"Who is it?" Lacee tried to stick her nose in your business.

"It's nothing for you! That's for sure and certain!" You giggled, pulling your phone away from her. "It's this guy, says his name is Jared. He's an actor on a TV and he seen my ad! He's looking for someone to look after his kids!"

Your face lit up like a Christmas tree! You done a little dance before messaging the man back.

"This is good, Y/N." Lacee smiled.

"He wants to meet. Tomorrow at twelve thirty." You exclaimed.

"Well if you're not going to come with me, I'll probably just stay home. I can help you!" She squealed.

"With what?"

"Well, he's going to ask you questions! I'll look up some practice questions while you finish up your resumé."

You pulled an extra chair over to your desk, giving her a place to sit. You used your computer to finishing typing up your resumé, adding things you knew would make you look good. You can speak French and you added the name of the school you're going to, also the courses you were taking. You added a bit about your past, not too much however. Lacee came up with some practice questions and you answered them off the top of your head in detail.

"Maybe I will go out with you for a drink." You smiled.

~

You only had one drink, far from intoxicated. Lacee decided to get as drunk as hell. You took her to your apartment to keep an eye on her. Lacee drunkenly staggered next to you, her arm slung over your shoulder as you fumbled with the key.

"Hey!" She giggled. "What's this?"

She bent over, nearly loosing her balance while you unlocked the door.

"Ooooh! Y/N, bad girl." Lacee purred. "You got evicted!"

"I what?" You snatched the paper from her.

Sure enough, a piece of paper, issued to your apartment had the words 'Eviction Notice' written on it. It was previously taped on the door, but had fell.

"Shit." You muttered as you went into your apartment with Lacee holding onto your shirt tightly.

She began to pull it down and you continued to speak, "You're worse than a two-year-old." You frowned.

"Sorry, mom." Lacee jested.

You laid her down on the couch and pulled the comforter off your bed for her. You wrapped her up, making sure that in her drunken state, she wouldn't escape it. As you turned to go over to your bed, you forgot about the coffee table and ran into it, stubbing your toe.

"FUCK!" You cried out.

Thankfully, Lacee was already in a deep sleep, but your upstairs neighbor didn't like it too much. He stomped on the floor to let you know. You slowly began to lose your temper.

"I already got evicted!" You yelled at him through the ceiling. "Go ahead and complain."

You started to mutter curse words under your breath as you went to use the washroom. You threw your foot up onto the counter top, the two toes next to your big one were already bruising and swelling. You used the washroom and brushed your teeth, then limped out to bed.

~

The next morning, you woke up to the sound of your good friend throwing up her guts. You groaned and threw the pillow of your ears.

"What happened last night?" Lacee scratched her forehead and wiped her mouth, as she took a seat at the end of your bed.

"You got piss pour drunk, I got evicted and broke two toes." You grumbled.

"Oh Jesus, Y/N." She frowned. "I'm sorry."

"None of it was your fault, don't apologize." You sat up and threw the blankets off you.

"You really did break your toes." Lacee winced, glancing at your two swollen and black toes. "What'd you even do?"

You explained to her what happened as you took a change of clothes into the bathroom. You changed then came back out.

"What do you want for breakfast? I got cereal and- Cereal that's it." You sighed.

"That is a crappy selection."

"I realize that, Lacee. But as you can tell, I don't have enough money to buy food right now so I might as well starve myself!" You snapped at her.

"Y/N, I'm sorry. No need to get pissed off at me. I will rephrase that and say I'll take you out for breakfast." She offered.

"I don't need a pity breakfast." You growled.

"Oh, my fuck, there is no pleasing you!" Lacee threw her head back in annoyance. "It's not pity, you need to eat! You're already tiny enough." She noted your small figure.

Lacee approached you and brushed some of your hair back out of your face.

"Just remember, you got that meeting with that actor today." She smiled softly. "Worst comes to worst, you can stay with me until you find a place."

You nodded as she wiped a tear that rolled down your cheek. You and Lacee had breakfast at a local café in Vancouver. You started to get nervous about your meeting with Jared. Him hiring you or not decided your future living arrangements. The two of you went back to your apartment so Lacee could help you pick out an outfit. She majored in literature in University, but she has a great fashion sense.

"Y/N, this will make his jaw drop and make you look professional all at once, you should go with this!" Lacee squealed.

You stuck your head out of the tiny pushout you called a closet and glanced over at the outfit. Lacee held up a dark blue shirt, loose fitting shirt, with five black origami birds across the front of it and a pair of black leggings.

"Yeah, that's nice." You smiled.

She laid the shirt and pants down on the bed and went to the dresser. She opened the top drawer and dug deep down. She pulled out a black lace push up bra that does up in the front with a triangular lace back. She also found the matching pair of panties and laid them down on the bed as well.

"Lacee, I'm going to go to him to get a job, not to fuck him." You half laughed.

"I know... I know, I just like these, I bet they make your boobs look really big." She poked one of your breasts as you passed her.

"Ow, jeez Lace." You took the clothes and changed.

"You look great! And I was right! Jesus, they're huge." She chuckled.

"They're not that big." You blushed.

You took the bus to the set of Supernatural, where Jared asked to meet you. He had a beautiful trailer. You were kind of fangirling when you got to the set, you were a die hard Supernatural fan, but you had to keep cool, calm and collected. Jared greeted you at his trailer door. He was so tall compared to you! You could barely contain your smile when you first seen him, you were dying a little on the inside.

"Hi, I'm Jared."

"Hi, I'm Y/N." You smiled, shaking his hand.

"Are you a fan of the show?" He smiled.

You nodded.

"So, I guess you know Gen and I got divorced about a year ago." He sighed.

"I heard, I-I'm really sorry. It must be hard." You frowned.

"Yeah, A little, one of my biggest thing to overcome is living arrangements for the boys and Odette. I seen your ad and decided to message you." Jared half smiled.

"Well I'm glad you did. You read the fine print, right? I haven't graduate yet. But I'm close to it! Oh, and here's my resumé." You handed him the sheet of printed paper. "I didn't get time to laminate it, sorry."

"Of course, I did. Thank you." Jared chuckled, taking the piece of paper. "I know you're just about to graduate, but do you have any other experience with children? What age group were they?"

"I worked part time in a daycare when I was younger. There were three kids under the age of three, which really helped make my decision to go into ECCE."

"ECCE?"

"Oh, oh sorry, Early Childhood Care and Education." You giggled. "I took courses in infants, toddlers and school aged children."

He nodded and smiled at you.

"Do you have Emergency training? Like CPR and first aid?"

"Oh of course, I needed it to graduate." You nodded.

"Can you speak multiple languages?"

"Je peux parler français." You grinned.

"Okay that's good." He chuckled. "Uh, let's see what else and I'll give your resumé a look."

"While I'm gone to work, you would have to cook for yourself and the boys. Is that okay? Would it be too much if I asked you to help clean around the house occasionally? In the mean time, I will always be stocking the fridge and cupboards, so you don't have to worry about buying things. Also, I have a dog, would you be willing to take care of him?"

"That's fine with me, Jared." You gave him a small smile. "It's not too much, I'm here to help."

"Are you willing to take the kids to the park for an activity?"

"Oh yes of course."

"Gen and I agreed on making sure we read to the boys for at least twenty minutes to a half hour a day, are you-"

"Yes, I am willing to read to them and with them." You smiled, finishing his sentence.

"Okay, I think we've covered everything." He smiles. "I'm really liking you for the job, I got to talk it over with Gen and she'll want to meet you, she's probably gonna ask you a lot of the questions I just asked you."

"Okay, that's fine with me." You shook his hand.

You took a bus back to your apartment to find Lacee with several boxes.

"Lace, you don't have to help me." You frowned.

"Y/N, I'm your friend, I want to help you." She sighed. "How'd the meeting go?"

"Pretty Great, actually. He told me he likes me for the job, he's just got to talk his ex-wife about it and she wants to meet me too."

"That sounds really good!" Lacee took sharpie marker and started labeling your boxes.

For the rest of the night, You and Lacee packed up your things in boxes.

My (very short) Tag List: 

@nanie5 @inevergaveuplarry

#Jared Padalecki #jared x reader #genevieve padalecki #thomas padalecki #shepherd padalecki #odette padalecki #supernatural #jensen ackles #danneel ackles #justice jay ackles #zeppelin ackles #arrow ackles #misha collins #vicki vantoch #west collins #maison collins