#''it's not real this isnt happening'' in me. i wish it wasnt bc if it turns out to be real it devastates me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

misterradio · 16 days

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okay here are some tron 2.0 thoughts TEE HEE....... you have been Spoiler Warned for REAL!

tron fans talk abt this game with me okay 🥺

THIS GAME IS BEAUTIFUL .... MWWWWWAH!!!!!! i just love all the different environment designs, the color coding that went into the different computer systems was really cool too. my main takeaway is that the visuals Rule.

the npc designs were cool too but i kind of wish there was More variety (visually as well as voice acting)... but i really enjoy the design direction here ::-) why so many bald antagonist though? lol (AND WHY SO MANY MEN?)

In regards to gameplay i felt like it was pretty standard? i ended up using the basic disc weapon for most of the game because switching weapons takes Way too long if youre actively fighting, which is kind of a shame cuz there are so many weapon options... i did really enjoy the energy claw though 👍also the light cycle racing SUCKED and there was a graphical glitch that made it so that a bunch of visuals to my cycle were missing so i couldnt even enjoy the new design that was hyped up lol. as complicated as gameplay felt up front it definitely felt much better as it went on so it was pretty good.

game progression was very straightforward which i didnt expect..? go do this and then do that, etc. i thought it would be more open. this isnt rlly a complaint bc at least i wasnt lost or anything.

finding all the build notes was thankfully not hard but i enjoy poking around as much as i can in games already... and i liked the mechanics of searching archive boxes and being able to read emails between people ::-) YAY NOSINESS !!! despite finding all the build notes i still didnt end with the highest version i couldve...🤔 no idea how that works then...

moving on 2 story...

all the characters felt a bit flat so that was unfortunate... i wouldve liked to see some more emotions from everyone, bit more personality, etc...

i dont rlly know where jet's attachment to mercury came from, is he in love with this girl, if so why?? im thinking that since she was the first program to really reach out and help jet, that he latched on to her. but as the player i was kind of neutral on her SORRY although her design is cool

i was in disbelief that lora died and i was thinking she would just have been digitized and b in the computer somewhere? and there are allusions to her at least being superficially present in the program ma3a/ma2a etc (they have the same actress ^^__^^) but neither jet nor alan mention this which really shocks me??!!!??? thats your deceased mom or wife can u show a bit of tenderness or something..... maybe this can be cooked up more in an AU or something . idk i was really hoping she (and yori) would be around. i held on to hope for so long ✊️

OBVIOUSLY WISHING TRON WAS THERE... but omg alan being in the digital world shocked me so much i really liked that HEHE. him wearing tron's outfit was fun. i saw someone else in the tag say this, but if tron is "retired" then where is he?? INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW !! he and jet werent very fazed by being digitized which surprised me buuut they also have to adapt fast given the urgency of their situation..

i felt rlly bad that thorne died SNIFFLE SNIFFLE jet and alan just watched a real guy die in front of them thats MESSED UP!! he was really cool too i enjoyed the corruption concept ::-) i was really worried the three fcon employees were gonna die too but im glad they implied that they could be repaired and manifested again.. (what is the word for un-digitized..?)

evil ma3a was really cool 👍 tbh all the antagonists are cool except im neutral on the kernel. i was confused that he was red i thought he was evil like in the original movie with the MCP's soldiers.. but i think hes just a guy who happens to be red. and also trying to kill u but just bc you (jet) are a freak of computer nature and should not be there. thats fair. i enjoyed his boss fight too.

THE FCON MONSTER WAS RLLY COOL HOW AM I NOT SEEING ANY FANART OF THEM.... ::-( i have to fix this... ALSO I WISH they had dialogue. like are they even aware of their situation. missed opportunity !!

okay thats all i can think of now.

WAIT UM I READ THE COMIC CONTINUATION(?) the ghost in the machine AS WELL and i dont have many thoughts on it bc it was really confusing BUT i did enjoy the layers of horror and unreality which i really did not expect. was also expecting the titular ghost to have more to do with lora (SIGH I REALLY WANNA SEE HER AGAIN) but it didnt but thats okay. i really liked the art of the first book specificaly.....

do any tron fans also like soma (2015) haha just wondering [TWIRLS MY HAIR

#original nonsense #personal #tron 2.0 #disabling rbs but main-tagging anyways so tron fans wil talk to me maybe 🤔#LONG POST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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girlwithfish · 1 month

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its kinda crazy he smothered me like loll. feels so stupid and lame recounting the same story over and over nothing changes. but i still dk how to process that. some days i feel ive made more peace w everythin and dont feel as strongly and some days like today its more difficult and i think being tired and today not being the best kind of set me up for being more emotionally low abt multiple things in my life. as well as maybe need to stop reading peoples real life stories on reddit abt their abusive male partners bc its more triggering for me than i thought but its hard not to read them :/ idk its just crazy how someone can do something that vile towards u even when you are crying and begging them to stop and saying you cant breathe. literal psycho shit. and i was gaslit for however long into minimizing it even tho deep down i knew it was fucking wrong and i resented him for it but i was treated so dismissively and not taken serious my pain wasnt ever considered so after it happened i was just trained into suppressing it not telling a single person about it not even journaling privately about it just carrying that awful thing w me for idk how long. and i dont even remember when it was bc i didnt document anything mentally or literally and my mind worked so hard to suppress it i justndont have any recollection of when it happened. im guessing either 2023 or late 2022. it makes me angry and sad, and angry bc it is so unjust that he was able to control the narrative once again and determine that that was acceptable behavior and wasnt violent and extremely fucking dangerous too. Would sneer at me and tell me that wasnt smothering or make excuses and act like that isnt inherently Violent and terrible. and even tho i knew it was fucked i was just forced to go along w it even though i resented him for however many months for doing that to me and would bring it up and hed continue to deny it. like i wonder if he fucking remembers that now bc ofc there's been no apology for that specifically but i also have to tell myself i do not seek his validation or acknowledgment bc it is way too late for that and i had to unlearn the gaslighting and manipulation and dismissal and downplaying that he ingrained in me and insisted upon me on my own without him so theres no way i would need him to validate that act or that it happened or was messed up. but part of me still wants that bc even though hes given me surface level apologies and goes on abt his self reflection and discovery that could only occure after he got hit by a bus (enrages me that he now has empathy and some self recognition ig After a traumatic brain injury and months after the breakup) i still did not feel fulfilled by anything he said really. but he is not a person who i seek validation from or value his opinion or perspective at all anymore i never wish to see him or have him in my life again. you dont treat any person like that and yet he countlessly showed me he was okay with treating me violently and terribly and disrespectfully. it makes me sick tbh bc idk how someone does that so easily ur fucked in the head

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neptune-ian · 2 months

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ik most idols not going to date non fans but for those that have their fs as an idol it must be awkward to have ppl doing readings on them? like im thinking if bts members know about it and their fs isnt it just supposed to then happen at some time in their lives? like ppl who were panicking that it isnt themselves well ofc it wasnt going to be...

can you do a reading on how would bts fs first felt when they knew they were an idols fs / what they think of armies overall and if they pay any attention to bts music cause i feel like if they arent fan of their music then what would they want to be with the members for?

you would have to like them for their music or at least somewhat be a lowkey fan otherwise it would also be awkward than anything else cause a lot of armies would probs want to be with the idols for other aspects like the attention theyd get (both good and bad) money is another reason someone would want to be with bts but not for the genuine relationship and i think the stans that fangirl about it being themselves well they arent going to have genuine relationship otherwise bc a lot of stans might cross the line

honestly id be so curious though for when bts do go publicly in relationships (IF they ever do) cause if ppl are already freaking out about jks fs and now yoongis its surely going to be a dissapointment to many? so i dont blame bts for never speaking about their personal lives outside of the group itself cause they know how quick armies are to overreact to such news of them dating, in fact wouldnt be surprised if a member or two got married without telling fans and one day theyd be like hey btw they just got married not that long ago

and as much as i love kpop music and overall groups i dont think i could cope with it without feeling not trapped but kind of caged in by not being able to be open about it but also their fan bases, like im sure some idols like their western fan base more so bc theres different behaviours they display compared to knetz yet when they are grouped into one huge online "community" i think thats when things get out of control like it did for jks fs

idk these are just my 2 cents on the whole fs thing, sure some people would be idols fs but how can they truly know without being delulu? cause some idols are going to be like eww they wouldnt date a fan due to their fan base or they would maybe date within the safetynet of the industry and just not bother looking elsewhere, foreign idols most likely probs want to date other foriegn idols so the margin is kind of slim or somewhat limited in that respect as to who actually would have chance to date idol

Hi anon!

What you say is interesting and right. However I don’t read of the FS because some can be aware of me reading them which I do not want them to know.

What I know from my pov is that people connected to celebs (me for instance) we have HUGE mental breakdowns because of it, we doubt it everyday, find reasons and ways to say « well no, it was all in my head I’m fine » whereas the proofs are in front of us lol. So for the FS it must be WORSE than what we go through.

The delulus thought are not connected and misjudge their wishes as a connection. They have nothing because if you asked them some proofs where there is a connection they won’t give you anything. Saying « yesterday I thought of eating an apple and Felix ate 3 in this live » or « I wished to see Jay’s abs and he showed it » it doesn’t work like that. That is not a connection let alone a real sign.

I can’t talk for the FS because I am not them but they must have felt like a delulu too. They must have felt like they are/were obsessed over their future husband and if they have a good mental state then they may or may not have suffered from this. That’s not easy to know that you’re a celeb spouse with all the pros and cons.

If one of the FS is really lurking there on Tumblr trying to make sense out of their situation they may know deep down the truth but still reject it as they stay silent 🤷🏽‍♀️ if one had interacted with readers then they may like the readings and/or are curious about what is said. I can’t tell 🙃

But for those that are aware let’s greet them and show them how we respect and value them for who they are and not because they are someone’s spouse, have a curvy body, are known, rich, independant and stuff! They deserve love just lile they will give love to their partner ☺️

#tarot blog #anon ask

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taikanyohou · 2 years

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Faiza I love your VP thoughts 😍 what are your wishes for the last two epis for VP?

haley!!! hi hi hiiiiiii my love!!!!

aaaah what are MY wishes? ok so if you're giving me a chance to share what i personally would Love to see happen, then here goes! and i'm gonna be as wild and as dark as i wanna be here!

for vegaspete to talk about vegas' mum, vegas' dad's homophobia towards vegas, and for pete to talk about his childhood/life before he became a bodyguard.

for vegaspete to talk about what ifs - what if vegas wasnt born in the second family, as a mafia, or if pete wasnt a bodyguard, how different would life have been and what their own hopes and dreams are/would have been.

for vegaspete to fuck a few more times in the safehouse - and allllll the kisses please!!!

for vegas' dad to find out that vegas has in fact not killed pete, and for vegas to release pete and tell him to leave otherwise his dad Will Kill Him.

for vegas and macau to have a proper heart to heart, about their brotherhood, their parents, and about vegaspete and for vegas to confide in macau about all these feelings, this heaviness in him, and what pete means to him.

for pete and vegas to go absolutely numb with the feeling. like. they just zone out once they return Home and cannot focus on or think about anything else but each other and how utterly shit All Of This .... being away from one another ... feels like. distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? so i WANT them to MISS each other. be lost without one another. if that means smashing tabletops or breaking down ugly crying, THEN SO BE IT.

so there's this shot in the why dont you stay mv of pete, where he Literally looks like he's dressed like vegas and it looks like he's at the club??? and he looks Sad???? so. here's what i want. i want all the bodyguards and khun to go out to the club for a night out, to cheer pete up also bc recently he's been looking Mega Glum. so they're at the club, and pete just ISNT feeling it. he looks up and .... there he is. he would recognise his silhouette anywhere. its etched into his memory its ingrained in his brain. vegas is at the back of club hidden away, leaning against the walls near a back door, and all he's doing is STARING RIGHT BACK at pete. and he walks out of the door and pete just ... drops EVERYTHING and goes and follows vegas out until they're in some backstreet or alley and they KISS. they FUCK. and its SO desperate and they're so needy and they cant GET THEIR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER and they're just CHANTING each other's name and vegas smirks and comments on how pete is dressed like him and pete just cuts the bullshit out and goes straight for the jugular and says to him how much he fucking misses him, misses his hands and his mouth on him. yeah they just ... have some real rough hot dirty sex. and that makes them both realise that no. it wasnt just because they were both locked in the safehouse that made them want each other. even outside of it, in the Real World, they want each other just as bad.

and in the final showdown? yeah. vegas has got all the ammunition he needs. he Knows pete wants to be with him now, so what has vegas got to lose? he just storms in dressed in his suit and unleashes absolute HELL. MAYHEM. CARNAGE. he is dressed to kill anyone and everyone for his man.

until its his dad. and he cant. vegas CANT. and he's got all the ammunition to do so but his hands are shaking whilst he holds the gun to his dad's face. so pete takes the gun and kills him instead.

and from there, pete tells kinn he wont be working for him anymore. that this would be the last time ever he killed for him. and he holds vegas' hand and walks the both of them out of there, and they go home. the second family's home. vegas and pete and macau's home. a real, safe, proper home that bleeds love. and they make something beautiful out of it.

#faiza answers #vegaspete #of course none of this will happen BUT. yeah. these are /MY/ wishes.

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thisdreamplace · 1 year

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How did you reach a place where you can be happy and full of love no matter what? I hate feeling like I’ll be unsatisfied if my desires don’t manifest. I wish I could feel totally complete without them.

honestly by being willing to totally allow myself to surrender and let go and... allow. allow in general. you have to start to value yourself more than you value whatever manifestation u think will be the trick to fixing ur life. i will be completely transparent in saying i experienced a lot of heartache and pain on this journey as a whole, mostly from the fact i was the same way for a while. i put my wholeness into the manifestations without even realizing i was doing so. so i feel for everyone who gets stuck there bc sometimes u truly think ur doing things for urself but deep down, ur still living for the hope of a desire materializing. through all this time, i cried a lot but i also broke new heights of love, peace, and beauty. and i feel so much more stable and trusting of myself than i ever have. accept that this is a journey and you're just gonna have to be there for yourself, along for the ride ! <3

to be specific, on what i actually did, i firstly took a break off tumblr as some of you know. and i immediately started questioning everything and asking myself for the answers. things that didnt feel right to me i started to reject, and i started to accept things that everyone in the community made fun of. because i didnt care about anyone's beliefs anymore, i just knew it was time for me to live a life i actually wanted. and what was popular in the community was hurting more than helping. so i went all in ! i also allowed myself to revisit topics like deattachment and letting go, which actually helped a ton. after a couple months of starting to challenge my old belief system, i started to actually live again. (yall got a light taste of this energy when i did "love me february" earlier this year bc i slowly started doing new things) i started to push myself out of my comfort zone and go do things in real life, rather than sitting in my room telling myself "i dont have to lift a finger ! if i just sit in here in my mind it will surely happen" (i got tired of telling myself that after 2 years of a rather stagnant-feeling life) so i said fuck it and started doing things. which only snowballed because then i got comfortable doing things. and now ive had so much fucking fun in my life in just the past couple months. i only say that because it still blows my mind n i am beyond thankful for my experiences this year !

what i would like to help yall understand more than anything is this life was meant to be lived and experienced, period. without even realizing it, a lot of us do put life on hold because we're too busy worrying about our manifestation arriving because we put so much weight into that being the thing that will finally be the pinnacle of happiness for us, we ignore everything else already in front of us. its truly a thing like. take it step by step, little things that are out of your norm and you will see the way life responds to you so beautifully ! i love experiencing myself through others and life as a whole n not just thru my mind sitting on my bed everyday !! its great !! but it wasnt some manifestation that got me out there, it was me being done with waiting on shit to change. i just went out there to see what happens, while also keeping my spiritual practice important to me, and it was like magic tbh.

so to simplify. challenge what doesnt feel right. allow what feels right. and allow yourself to actually live and experience life along the way. nothing that is in front of you at this moment, is an obstacle or something you need to pretend isnt there. take what you have and let it be part of what guides you. make that your goal. feeling complete. (or whatever you want, really) when that is your goal, instead of your desire, you wake up everyday and make decisions based on your true self. not that egotistic urge for results.

i hope this helps ! <3 you so deserve to live a full life, no matter what is in front of you. and the thing is that what the greats say is so true. you dont need to be so focused on a desire to force it into being. life responds to you perfectly when youre just busy loving yourself and making the most out of each day. :') things just happen with ease and so beautifully. <3

idky but this q also gives me this post’s vibes hehe ;-;

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johannwolfgangvongoethe · 1 year

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various sloda discourse, etc etc

i briefly touched on most of these before but this is my personal self-indulgend “I AM CORRECT NO ONE TOUCH ME” post about themes in the game, criticism i saw from others, and my own grudges with it

(warning for story spoilers) (of the whole game)

1. DUDE MADARAME IS FUCKED. THIS IS NOT LOVE

i cannot stress this enough. madarame does not love towa. madarame is a manipulative, deeply selfish, lonely person who specifically preys on the weak. i dont know if this is obvious to people who have never been abuse victims before and had to spent a large amount of time with people like him. he engages in multiple well-known abuse tactics: weakening towa and blaming it on him. blameshifting and gaslighting. specifically offering help afterwards to appear merciful. alienating towa from his friends to cancel out outside help. destroying towas sense of self, his sense of time, his ideals in life. destroying his confidence. at the start of the route towa hates everything about him, doesnt want to see him again, is grossed out by how much madarame violates him. at the end he is too destroyed to form coherent thoughts. anything that isnt being chained up and beaten and raped feels like a mercy to him. there is a reason madarame simply does not appear in the taku, rei, fujieda routes; towa has a social circle. he has support structures. it is harder to get to him. the only time madarame is able to successfully manipulate him, is when towa is in a downward spiral over indirectly killing someone and actively pushing others away. it also really is no coincidence to me madarame was drawn towards towa when he was young. towa was in a vulnerable spot: an older teen, who just escaped the most horrific past life, is caught up with the yakuza, and is extremely prone to selfharming. to a 30-ish year old madarame, he was an easy target to overpower. at the end of the day its all power games and feeling superior to him.

the game literally spells this out. over and over and over. there is nothing beautiful about it. it is a telling character study and explains a lot about their history and the world. but it is not a romance story.

like. dont romanticise this. be very very vigilant how much madarame isnt just gaslighting towa but you. learn about this behaviour and become a more mindful person through it.

2. towa, as a character, is the most satisfying creation

my boy towa. he is such a character. he is not the type i usually love but i am so so strongly captivated by his very special nature.

it is made so so easy by the game to put yourself in towas shoes. sometimes you play through a part only to realize the depths of what happened earlier bc you suddenly snapped out of towa brain. at least thats what it felt like to me.

he is strong and he is weak and he is manipulative but also brutally and compassionately honest. and it never feels out of place. i cannot describe how much i love this skrunkly. i especially love when he gets chattier later into a route... when you can tell he acts like a loner but loves his friends and loves to have people around him. he is a hot mess but he takes his meds and works his silly little job. they really captured the perfect image of a person who has given up on everything but underneath it all there is still a drive. there is still so much will to live.

i also feel like most people probably drastically changed their opinions on him while playing through the whole game. you learn and grow with him. theres a real sort of connection.

3. WISH IT WASNT A PORN GAME

slow damage, for all its rawness and aspirations, really gets held back by being sold under the premise that theres a set amount of porn scenes in every route. this is especially rough to read and sit throught in the madarame and foujieda routes but its odd for the other two as well. i understand there must be a certain amount of consistency if youre trying to sell a product, especially if you are nitrochi and, well, known for dick and balls. but at best it feels very out of place in this carefully crafted self-aware universe and at worst it just comes across as straight up offensive.

there were many times where i thought that either not having a sex scene at all would have been more meaningful (fujieda route, after towa almost killed himself. AT LEAST LEAVE THE CUM DIGGING OUT. or let towa do it himself. GOD.) or focussing on towas feelings instead of eroticism would have been better from a storytelling standpoint (madarame) and more tasteful.

I ASSUME this is as much a problem with boys love/vn media in general as it is with this game. though i cant say i read much BL. because i am not interested in reading about trama porn and shock value, which are an infamous stereotype. there is a time and place for graphic content but i feel like normalizing it and making it fapping material (sorry for my cringe wording) is really offensive and just damaging to readers in the long run.

4. the gender of it all

i have been thinking about this for a while and i think the localization team really made a great effort with getting the gender of characters across. imo, it would have been perfectly reasonable to have rei use she AND he pronouns throughout the story. though, see the point above, i dont know how limiting the genre is in that regard. and i do appreciate they really captured reis like... quirky bubbly personality and she and the gang do collectively go by “girls” a couple of times, iirc. it would have also been fine to use she/her for honami, junko, and arashi but i really Really love them all going by they/them as well. i did not expect them to be such heartfelt precious characters without transphobic violence ever being a topic and it was a breath of fresh air and so wonderful. their little clique truly is such a source of love and courage in the story. usually universes without any sort of bigots feel fake BUT in an enviroment like shinkomi it doesnt feel out of place! at least to me. you see all kinds of diverse people there. i do not doubt for a minute that the transgender community background of this city is probably the best thing about it LOL

in general, i did not expect gender to be such a big topic in general. reis development is interesting to watch and analyse. why does him becoming masc happen here but not in other routes? is this truly the end to the rei gender journey? is this party brought into place bc rei identifies moreso as a gay man than a woman here? lots to think about!!! not in a negative way at all, i think reis struggle with gender performance was really relatable+well executed.

ADDITIONALLY the fujieda bad end provides such an interesting take on this conglomerate between towa and his mother. the switches between pronouns were FANTASTIC and such punches in the gut. i absolutely LIVE for this monstrous uncomfortable weirdly gender creation and the little touches of “i thought there stood a woman....” and “it didnt matter to me if it was him or her”

5. somewhere between high empathy and cognitive dissonance

ngl, it is not inherently something i like but i am absolutely obsessed with the slight hypocrisy in the storytelling. (affectionately. they did well for what they had written out.)

shinkomi is a city filled with the impoverished, the disadvantaged and underprivileged, the sick and the preyed on. this is often mentioned and shown to be the case in the background, yet all the characters we meet live under stable circumstances. the danger never touches us, it is merely a setpiece. yet we are supposed to understand how rough life there is.

IN FACT CLASS IS SO IMPORTANT TO THIS UNIVERSE that i want to argue it was not necessarily the scars that helped fujieda and towa to bond, they were just a visual cue that thematically fit into the story. what really lifted any reservations between them was the recognition that fujieda comes from less than stellar place as well, that he has known a socially and financially unstable and dangerous enviroment. it eradicates fujiedas standing as a member of the upper class and makes him approachable.

mentioned under point 3: the underlying evil of the game is the sexual and physical abuse towa suffered in the past. yet current sexual abuse is often written to be sexy and appealing. it is quite dishonest

there is no love interest that does not have blood on their hands yet the only one to speak about his grief is taku. this makes sense because as a doctor, his sense to do good is deeply ingrained into his person, it is simply in character to do so. but shouldnt rei get to have a heart to heart about the people she had to beat in moneymatches, at the very least?

eiji as a character is this whole concept personified LOL i like him a lot

6. alas, fujieda is still in the trenches

slow damage really managed to cleanly wrap up so many little sideplots and the main mystery and tragedy surrounding towa and his mother was executed absolutely beautifully.

but alas, fujieda stayed in the trenches. he very much comes across as a side character to towa in the final route. yet he has his own trauma, his own regrets about his past, his own unresolved struggles. the end very much hints towards him and towa slowly healing together but ah.... i cant help but think i would have loved to see more that vulnerable side of him more...

from what i have heard about the artbook story (havent been able to check his afterstory drama cd out yet! but i definitely plan to listen to it eventually), it took half a year for him and towa to get physical again. thats so... strangely calming. the entire time throughout the post-shower scene i couldnt help but think they are searching for warmth but also slightly retraumatizing eachother. bro.. the sweet pain of seeing him readjust towas hands and face if he touched or kissed him in a wrong place. gently and quietly. without saying anything. you could tell he is still deeply hurt and was using the skills from his own undesirable past just to please towa. its very sacrifical in that way. this sounds like im not talking about what was really just a prostate massage but yeah. anyway.

i cant help but think fujieda hates sex. not that he dislikes intimacy. and he certainly seems to adore towa. but he has clear limits. sad but also nice to see, i think??? i love the vulnerability of it.

7. jast usa made a lifelike translation and everyone hated them for it

OK YES!!! YES!!! I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE!! but talking about it with my friends who do......... idk man i think they just tried to create a lifelike translation and put some funnies in there. its honestly fine. also on behalf of the very consistent they/themming i am willing to eat out of their hand. yes, yes maybe rei did not originally end all these sentences in “, hun?” but you know what. if english pronouns are putting a limit on you, you have to have him talk like a motherhen.

8. ok we have to do this. we have to talk about DISABILITY

towa is... so disabled. towas is deeply chronically ill. and we need to ackowledge this. to truly grasp a lot of the significance of the story. he is missing an eye, he is super mega depressed and suicidal, he is terribly underweight, no doubt his has multiple other physical issues caused by past injuries.

when everyone supports him unconditionally, they want to include and spend time with their struggling disabled friend. when people violate him, they are specifically abusing a disabled person with less chances to help and save himself. when taku is impossibly protective over him to a point where he neglects to tell him things, he is acting out a pseudo-custodian role he voluntarily picked up just because towa means a lot to him.

i spoke about this before but autonomy is of HUGE importance to towa. both because his specific backstory and childhood trauma AND because he is a disabled person. i think the fact people dont try to hold him back from going on self destructive sprees has a lot to do with this. they know it is his weakest spot. he does not react well to it. also shown quite effectively but how much freedom he loses in his bad ends.

in a way the madarame route makes specific use of this; madarame denies him his right to stay unharmed and stable and sells it to him under the guise of independence. but i think everyone can understand that this will never be a realistic permanent solution for someone in need of care, even if it might seem temporarily desirable. you cannot survive and thrive like this.

9. pick your coping skill; the game

slow damage, in my opinion, is a game mainly focussed on hurt and coping skills. everything towa does is a direct or subconscious attempt to cope with his life and past experiences. as such, to me it seems like the routes are less about love interests and more about different ways of dealing with it.

taku -> just fight the symptoms. take care of yourself. you can be happy in a new life. just attempt to bury your issues.

rei -> socializing is really really good for you and will help you build up confidence <3 also keeps you from running into traffic bc your friends will actually let you know your life matters

madarame -> just badcope lol. wear it like a shield and lash out against yourself and others. hurt hurt hurt but at least you dont have to work on yourself. it is the direct easy way out

foujieda -> radically tackling the roots of the issue. you will be SO hurt but you might be able to heal in a few years time

10. personal favourites (unimportant, i just wanna gush)

fav characters: taku (his old man sad boy swag has bewitched me, i just really love his struggle with doing the right thing, as a person AND a medical professional. he is the only character allowed to truly express his pain and guilt), ikuina (i love a good softspoken yandere what can i say. also flowerboy <3), igarashi (WHaT WAS HIS DEAL I NEED TO KNOW HOW HE ENDED UP WITH THE YAKUZA he is such a honest puppy of a person. his last post-game dialogue makes me think this isnt even a facade, he just is an upstanding person) honorable mentions: towa (how can you not be obsessed with him), rei (sweetest girl. literally did no wrong. joy of my life), eiji (HIS REVOLVER OCELOT LARP WAS UNBELIEVABLE literally hes just so funny and evil)

fav good/euphoria end: ITS NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS but taku. definitely taku. yeah the weird dependent relationship between a doctor and a patient with 20 years age gap is quite creepy. i could not imagine this irl. but their chemistry and just... fluffy, gentle, sweet bond. is. everything to me. while it is not the ideal solution by any means, i also love the sweet pain of towa just never finding out about his past and starting a new life without it. it will always hurt a little bit in the back. but he can be happy and surrounded by friends. I ALSO REALLY LOVE FUJIEDA GOOD END i think i would be way more obsessed with it if i saw them interact more in a very casual setting? since the plot moved on quickly, they had very little time to really... establish what connects them outside of painful things that happened in the past?

fav bad/madness end: FUJIEDAAAAAAAA it is so fucked up. it is the scariest one despite being the least bloody. there is something deeply deeply haunting about watching towa go through all of this, experience so much pain and suffering in the name of uncovering and rediscovering his own life......just for it all to be for nothing. he got worse. this truly is the most chilling outcome of them all and i think it is a fantastic last end for a story that mainly focusses on trauma and recovery. isnt that the ultimate horror story.

also i am quite fascinated that in every other madness end, towas life gets ruined by his love interests. fujieda however is as much in the role of a victim as he is, though. and the slight cry for help at the end really drives home why he cannot leave. they are caught in worlds unhappiest yet loving marriage.

fav route to play: FUJIEDA ONCE AGAIN just because the game got so quirky with visuals and you finally get all the information and clues and emotional gratification of it all. yes it also destroys you mentally but thats part of the joy.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY. reis route. it is so deeply defined by his beautiful friendships and there is a real sense of life and love when you see his little clique hang out... it definitely is the most fluffy and feel good to play through. i dont really like reitowa as a romantic pairing but seeing them hang out is SOOOO sweet.

thank you everyone for coming to my ted talk

#slodaposting

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chilope · 6 months

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re: dogwhistles everywhere: ok, but also there is a wave of statements to the tune of "oh, you say [real aspect of the ongoing ethnic cleansing]? what bullshit lie, you are obviously only saying that bc you believe in [antisemitic dogwhistle]".

i dont. care? like. okay. im going to get on a box real quick and then not talk about this at all anymore.

israel is doing an ethnic cleansing. thats bad. israeli nationism is bad. us support for israel is bad. as us citizens, we have an obligation to oppose our governments support for israel. we have an obligation to call our representatives, to protest, to vote for politicians who will fight back. nothing that anyone says on tumblr about anything that is happening matters at all even a little bit. real time updates about the war crimes dont stop the war crimes from happening. long posts about israels right to exist dont stop the war crimes from happening either.

im frustrated both by the antisemitic dogwhistles and by the jews on this site who insist on making really long posts about how people are being mean to jews as a result of the war crimes. like, antisemitic tumblr posts arent in the same hemisphere as an ethnic cleansing, it feels gross and unnecessary to focus on it. but also, we live here!!

like. this isnt important. im gonna start with that. in the grand scheme of things its just not important. but the little circle of people who exist 1 or 2 degrees from me on tumblr is so chock fucking full of bald antisemitism its mind boggling to me. and it just sits there, all the time, completely unchallenged and unchecked. its normal, its fine, its good even. and then the conflict gets out of hand again and i sit here and watch a bunch of people that i like and respect hold hands with antisemites and talk about how bad israel is. and theyre right!! israel is bad!!

so on the one hand you have a bunch of people saying that the ethnic cleansing isnt happening, or is fine actually, or talking about it is antisemitic. and theyre wrong, and i want them to stop, and also nothing they say matters. but most importantly, i dont actually know them. i dont interact with anyone who says that stuff. i know theyre out there, ive seen screenshots of their posts. but they arent holding hands with anyone i care about.

on the other hand, you have a bunch of people who hate jews, who openly hate jews, who have hated jews for years, who have openly stated they dont want jews to exist, who keep sneaking antisemitic dogwhistles into anti-israeli posts. and theyre getting reblogged by people i like. and again, nothing they say matters. none of these posts impacts actual policy or public sentiment in literally any way. it just doesnt matter!

the only thing that gets impacted by any of this is the the willingness of the people i associate with to tolerate ethnic cleansing apologism (a thing that i have not seen happen) or antisemitism (a thing i have watched happen in real time over the last few years).

so one post slipped through. one. i reblogged *one* post about antisemitism.

like. i *get* that it doesnt fucking matter. some guy on tumblr making a post about how jews should be exterminated isnt on the same level of anything as an actual, literal genocide. it isnt even on the same level as anti-black hiring discrimination, or police violence, or homophobia. but man it sucks that a bunch of my friends are friends with that guy! wish that wasnt true! wish i didnt have to see his posts because people still think hes so cool and insightful!

but it doesnt matter, it really doesnt, and neither do the "actually you only oppose israel because youre antisemitic!" posts. its all just a bunch of powerless angry people yelling at each other to feel better. it doesnt accomplish anything. call your senator, donate to palestinian relief, start a fight with your uncle over thanksgiving.

and leave me alone. that too.

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csaventing · 6 months

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If im doing this wrong im sorry but i just wanted to ask something, and talk.

I was 7, 8, and 9 years old when i was being sexually abused by my neighbors, a married couple who had their own young kids. I dont know how frequently i was raped but i have a fair amount of memories, not everything tho. He trained me to be a toy. But because of that trauma i can only masturbate to loli stuff. I hate it so much. I feel disgusting and awful for wanting to be a tiny child again, for wanting to be fucked like that again, for wanting all the things that happened to me. For wanting to be a small loli child whos only purpose is to be raped day in and day out. But its the only content that i can get off to. I have other kinks and fetishes, but they dont work when im on my own. I hate that im half attracted to that fantasy. I hate so much that i want it. I hate so much that i want to relive my trauma, maybe id enjoy it. I just wish i wasnt disgusting i wish i didnt want that fantasy i wish it wasnt the only way for me to get sexual pleasure because i know its wrong i know its awful i know its horrible. I feel so awful i wish they didnt train me to find getting raped as a fucking 7 year old hot and sexy. I wish i didnt crave taboo and illegal things bc i want to feel dirty. I want to feel like im doing something wrong/illegal and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i just wish i had normal sexual wants i know this isnt who i am i know i dont actually want any of it and i would never actually do any of those things i would rather die the most painful death you can imagine than do those things in real life but im so scared thats who i am. what if i want it. What if thats who i am i cant tell if these feelings are real or not im so scared of it i hate it i dont want to be a horrible person i dont want to be depraved and no better than my rapists i want to feel sexual pleasure and feel sexually fulfilled and happy without needing to feel dirty, doing something illegal or wanting to be a child. I just need to know that im not alone that im not a horrible person and these feelings will go away. Im sorry but i just need someone to tell me this isnt who i am and itll go away

The fact that you are scared for these thoughts and actions shows that this is not who you are. You are absolutely not alone with getting off to things like this and “wanting” it to happen again. I also do similiar things. I don’t know if it will go away, but for me coming to accept that this is a trauma response and I’m not alone in it has reduced a lot of the suffering.

#survivor #tw csa implied #tw csa #csa vent #trauma vent #actually traumatized #tw csa mention #tw csa vent #trauma #tw loli mention

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single-malt-scotch · 1 year

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thinking abt how cleo was saying shed come back to tumblr if she won the poll did have me thinking like, id really hope itd in the end be her own real choice and not just like. something she joked to say and then 'oh oof, now i really do have to return even though i didnt want to' kinda deal. like i wasnt here Around when the 2019 thing happened n cleo left but it hung around this fandom enough i quickly learned about all that.... and i have seen some pretty shit ways people have interacted with hermits on here in the past. incredibly embarrassing to watch! and feels bad knowing they deal w that. and by no means would i ever encourage them to return unless they really wanted to and knew they could avoid the crappy people. its not possible for me to say "its better than before!" because er, it isnt necessarily. because those kinds of shitty people will be around. so many people just do not behave around creators.

but anyways tumblr is not your cool underground fandom club where nothing you say will ever be seen, youre posting on a public platform. it WILL be seen whether you like it or not, and while its anyone responsibility to avoid looking for those things, it also is totally within someone's right to go and look at the thing no matter how much you wish they didnt.

also youre stupid as hell if you decide to get mad at a creator themself for saying they dont mind the shipping and to just not look at it if you dont like it. there is truley nothing you can do about people who ship, it doesnt matter how much you want to fight them. your time is better spent elsewhere bc no ones going to stop the shipping and above all it is very much not a good move to try and shit on creator's themselves for deciding where their stance is on the matter... when the ships Literally involve them

#no ones gonna see this but if ur following this blog and dont agree then fuck off i guess #i think its real important to imply you cannot stop the shipping #while we go back and forth abt rpf in the end this isnt like #the worst shit to fight #these ships are pedophilic or abusive or whatever #its just a moral grey area as to whether or not its rpf #and i will be real. it is not a big concern... out of everything else it could possibly have been

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jackienautism · 9 months

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going 2 be real for a sec

i usually keep this stuff to myself since its super personal and i probably will just sound like a crazy person bu t i really just want to get something down and post it and MAYBE get some sort of like ? validation. that im not the only one who feels this way or does this LOL

so just. long story short. does anyone get like physically ill over seeing someone else like . engaging and doing "more" with a special interest slash interest youre really really into? like. just like 10 or os minutes ago somethting happened and i started lowkey shaking and shit (but maybe its just bc its real hot where i am rn but idk) and felt sick to my stomach all bc someone was engaging "more" with something i rly rly like and i just uuuuugh

ive had this feeling ever since i got into until dawn and the quarry lol...... this feeling has been occurring a lot less frequently than during like last year. which like. speaking of. when the quarry first came out the feeling came and WEEEENT....... ALLL THE TIME. like i wasnt even into the game that much yet but seeing other ppl engaging w/ and making content for it...... made me feel suuuper ill. or maybe was it when i first started getting into it? yeah i think it was when i first started hyperfixating. but anyway LOL IT WAS A TERRIBLE FEELING. AND IT HAPPENED SO OFTEN TOO

luckily its gotten a lot better in terms of the quarry. especiailly after joining tumblr and all. but until dawn? naaah its still very much there lol. as i said earlier, it doesnt happen as much as it used to (in regards to UD) but. it stilll happens. as i just fucking found out. ive settled down quite a bit now but good god

until dawn is such a dead fandom but theres just some things that when i see it it still makes me go wiiiild (negative). i dont know why. it makes feel so sick. and i dont hold it against anyone of course, it just affects me interacting w/ slash following people LOL! and it mainly has to do w/ sam and emily LMAO especiallly sam as ive come to find out.... i think its becasue ive projected sooo much of myself onto her that im like super protective and shit. like... shes not your fictional public character shes MINE. and thats not your public piece of media. its MINE. you know?

and its liike. i KNOW that there are ppl who are more into UD and have been into it longer than i have. i know that. and htat doesnt always affect me. but tthen therr are just osme other times where it seriously DOES and its just.... man. i wish i werent like this LMAO

i think thats like the. basis of it. im just. man. and its such a hard thing to shake off ): i know im just gonna have to "get over it" and "learn to live w/ it" but man!!!!!!

idk man. just seeing others "understanding" a character "more" than i do and seeing others do suuuuper in depth character analyses just..... ESP if its characters i rly relate to and basically projected every part of ,my being onto........ it makes me ill!!!!!! like genuinely!!!!!!!!!

and its like weird bc like. i was SUPER into mean girls the musical back in 2019 / 2020 and so forth. but i dont ever remember getting THIS BAD over others being "more" into it than i was. and this isnt just straight up jealousy. i know how that feels and its DEFINITELY not that. i truly dont know what makes until dawn / the quarry so different. maybe becasue this was the first time ive engaged more with the fandom? especially on tumblr? i dont know man. i dont kn ow

hopefully this makes sense. im just tired

#mine #text #vents #misc tag #not gonna force anyone to read this but if you do<3 thank u and please tell me im not hte only one who does or feels this LOL #[emma mountebank voice] ok :) i’m done #my thoughts

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thegongoozlerreacts · 10 months

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Cemetery Mary: Reginald's Route Part 2

now i am going to go get Reginald's good end! the bad end was,,,, it was,,,,,,, bad

anyways to get the good ending i'll just do the opposite of what i did the last time (and follow the ending guide lol)

spoilers belowww

ok so ive mostly been skipping thru everything and for some reason??? i keep ending up on the wrong routes?? like i accidentally got on the twyla route then the Crowven one like oopsies

not sure what i did wrong tho ?? i'll just start over

ok now im on the Reginald route, going shoppinggg time to get one wrong thing just to see what will happen ok nothing much happened just some dialogue

now to bring up the axe (bro he is so sus)

the cursed manga still freaks me out i skipped thru the church part but it still freaks me out also why did those people at the church look at Mary weirdly also im really curious about the black goo stuff,,, will i get an answer for it in the true ending or on the good end of this route?? im wondering if i should get the true end on Reginald's route (but it doesnt rlly matter which route i get the true end on since it doesnt change much apparently)

that part where Reginald gets mad at his neighbor makes me wonder if he's only super nice to Mary and around Mary like is his behavior different around other ppl when Mary's not around??

aww asking Crowven to stay,, cute

THEYRE SO CUTE AHHHH

now for Mary talking to the priest at the church,,, an interesting thing about this route is that Mary never realizes her ghost-communication powers, just gets caught up in some weird curse/wish thing in the form of defaced shoujo manga and a mysterious headstone

thats nice of him no threatening 'I'll make her be sorry' comments just him showing up w an umbrella

in the restaurant scene why does Mary see black goo come out of the mouth of Reginald's victim just another clue that the manga and the grave are connected to Reginald i guess??

OUCH

i tried to call twyla in the part where Mary needs to sleepover with someone interestingly u literally cant LOL twyla doesnt answer that makes sense tho

oho?? this is new a headache huh? and that music from the church when she was super sick is playing too ooh will she discover that Reginald's missing or smth?? learn more answers regarding the manga and the eye and the grave???

oh her phone is missing?? did Reggie take her phone? since he told her about the flashlight and Mary was like 'did he not realize my phone has a flashlight?'

maybe he took her phone bc its flashlight is bright enough that she would see that he isnt in the living room, unlike his flashlight

i am very incredibly nervous

OH WTF??? IS THIS HIS POISON MIXTURE?

hey maybe his antifreeze-poison thing is a mixture between antifreeze and rat poison since twyla said that it was 'some kind of' antifreeze that had a purple label but they werent able to find anything like that so maybe the label was actually a rat poison label???? or maybe im wrong LOL

ooooh it changes??? i went back and picked the middle 'grab something' bc i wanted to see if it was the same thing

it wasnt, obviously but also IS THAT MARY'S HAIR?? WTF???

what's the third thing

OH MY GOD

ok im gonna,,, im gonna continue with the first option that i picked if Mary doesn't discover the other stuff then i'll just re-load those saves and see

MARY DONT SMELL OR DRINK THE STRANGE LIQUID MARY?!?!??!

ah ok so she put it away and then u can pick to grab the other stuff alright

Mary dont rationalize the pictures,,,, they were taken without ur consent or knowledge Mary,,,,, Mary these are red flags Mary,,,,,

OH MY GOD ITS HER MOM'S NECKLACE ISNT IT OHHH MY GOD.

if i slept in her parent's room then this would be her plushie right?

"Is the Reginald I know... even a real person?" lol. lmao. no.... hes not,,, sorry Mary,,,

I KNEW HE HAD SMTH TO DO WITH ALL THAT WEIRD STUFF!!! I KNEW IT

jumped when the mirror broke lmaoo

oh god. i hope he doesnt catch Mary

oh no she's trapped :((( nooo Maryyyy

BBBBBBRRRROOOOOOOOO

oh fuck. oh no. oopsies...... i missed the quick time event im,,, Mary i am so sorry

bro wtf stay away from Mary?!?!??!

"It makes me sound like I'm crazy" my good sir you are crazy you are absolutely insane

"No matter how many times it happens" so there is time travel happening

that IS true i cant deny that but also,,, u like,,, thats not how u do it Reg

"You... love funerals so much. ...So I tried to provide you with as many as I could!" oh so THATS why he kills people ok,,,, ok then thats

yeah thats definitely not how u do it

how many times has he been like time travelling or like,,, looping i guess?? is it a time loop?? maybe??

HHHUH WHAT WHAT WAS THAT??? I DIDNT GE TTO READ IT?

i think it was purple text that said 'well since you asked so nicely' but im not sure?? im just assuming cuz she's out now so is Reginald behind the purple stuff? probably but like maybe its not on his side?? woah first time that some creature presented with purple is doing some good(?)/j

help?? Crowven??? i mean like yeah i would too but lets slow down for a sec

what the hell he just disappeared? and everything he owned too??

well that was a wild ride definitely more confusing than all the other routes and no ghost-communication too (unless the eye and purple text were ghosts?)

well im gonna process this ending, maybe ramble more to my brother bc he doesnt know anything and its funnier to theorize around him

i think im also gonna try to take a screenshot of that one purple text bc im curious abt it

next time i'll be playing i wont skip any scenes, and i'll be getting the true end on Crowven's route

#cemetery mary #cemetery mary spoilers

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miss-styles · 9 months

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Ok wait I have a question if you feel comfortable answering on your blog! I really want to have casual sex, but my dilemma is that I’m a virgin and I would need someone to be very patient reassuring and understanding with me that first time or first few times, but I feel like that’s difficult to find when you’re hooking up especially with men. I really wish I would’ve lost it already so that I would feel more comfortable and experienced having sex with other people. Like although I haven’t ever had sex before, I just think I would really enjoy it because I love intimacy. So idk how to overcome this because I don’t want to be in a relationship rn, but I do want to have sex but still have some level of trust respect and care for each other’s bodies. Thoughts or experiences you wouldn’t mind sharing?

omg i dont know if im seeing this really late but thank you for coming to me with this!

okay so to share my own first time experience... i had just gotten out of a really bad situationship. the situationship was my first time making out with someone and just genuinely having feelings for someone. first love if you will. but we had never had sex. the most we did was just his fingers being on my underwear. after this ended i just started going on dates with random people. realistically i knew like i wasnt ready for a relationship at the time but it was a good distraction for me to put myself out there. after like a month or so.. i went out with this one guy and i reallyyyy liked him. the first time we went out he fingered me in the theater (sorry guys!) and the second time was also similar. the third time i was over at his house and we had sex.

now i will admit that i was so incredibly lucky to have my first time with him. he was so understanding and so nice he didnt make it awkward at all i was just really comfortable through the entire thing. but i can't tell you that everyone youll meet will be the same way and ive definitely had some "bad" (not as good) experiences after that

and also to me sex or virginity has never really been a THING. so i never had a need for my first time to be special or to be with someone i had been dating for a while etc etc. i know for some people sex can be this very special thing but for me it just isnt. and from what i understand you also seem to feel the same way? (correct me if im wrong) so i just felt good to get the first one over with someone i felt comfortable with and it just opened up a whole new world for me. controversial but! like i love having sex. it has made me feel so much more comfortable in my body etc etc.

now my advice would be to (at least for your first time) dont have sex on the first hangout. ofc you can do stuff but just get to know them first and see if you feel comfortable with them. i would also advise that you tell them youre a virgin not in like a weird way but i promise it would make them be more understanding. also definitely discuss what you like (sexually) bc it can get real awkward if you realize your preferences dont align at all.

just overall be open with them. for your first time (and even in the future if you wish) let them know that you wont have sex in the first hangout (and their reactions to these kind of boundaries or their reactions to your preferences can be very telling of their character) and use the first hangout to get to know them to see if youd be comfortable having sex.

and also!! (sorry this is a very long response) awkward things will happen during sex but just laugh through them and i promise it will be fine. i promise you wont be the only one who's embarrassed by sth the other person will have things that they're embarrassed about too. its natural dont stress about it.

i feel like this was a lot of blabbing but i hope it makes sense to you and if you have ANY other questions feel free to come back. i promise i would never judge

#mail #anon

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