sufferingfrominadequacy

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

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[sufferingfrominadequacy]

I am afraid of falling in love again because I’ve had four suicide attempts and I don’t want my future love to fear the end of my existence. And even though I am no longer holding the edge’s hand, I fear that having been acquainted with it before will only leave me at the risk of wanting to lose myself in its arms again. Because trust me, I have never felt more comforted by the whipping winds against my numb cheeks and the deafening silence penetrating my ringing ears as I have when I’ve gazed deep into the permanence of my memories being set in stone. And that’s what frightens me the most because in my darkest hour, the brightness in its eyes danced before me, mesmerizing me with the falsehood of the benefits of rolling my credits only ten minutes into my feature film, allowing me to believe that the novel I am currently writing has already been completed in its entirety, telling me that the melody of the song that’s still escaping my lips is an encore that I never deserved.

late-night confessions. - amb.

#prose #spilled ink #love #writing #tw: suicide #tw: depressing thoughts #tw: death #original #mine #my shit

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

I am cradling nostalgia in my lap as she shows me who I used to be as opposed to this intoxicated twenty-something currently perched on a patio step with a cigarette stuck between two fingers, exhaling magic into the air because it’s just as mesmerizing as it is hard to decipher between smoke and your very own exhales on this frigid early December morning. She shows me the naivety of the mind that used to inhabit these bones and I remember little hands pressed against the glass with curious eyes entertained by falling pieces of the sky, not quite connecting all the dots from sublimation to deterioration. My skin traded ice for rain, and now it’s much easier to cry this season because the weather isn’t quite cold enough to keep my sadness frozen for all the world to see, and the rain is accustomed to shielding them from the truth.

I’m trying to sober up and the poisons wanted to have a conversation this early Christmas morning, so here’s part of it. - amb.

#prose #christmas #drunk #written words #spilled ink #poetry #dearest heart #cigarette #smoker #twenty something #mine #original #my shit

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

Some more of my favorite lines.

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

I'm kinda waiting for life to take off into the sunset far, far away but I'm here and it's Thursday I've been meeting with up with my friend, 4am for the past three months and she shows me again what it's like to not feel lonely light shines on my face it's six in the morning my head's full of Shadows heart's dressed in black, mourning about a love it wants but can't ever find so I have been making long distance calls to someone far from here not even sure if they hear the phone ring but I've been dreaming of hearing the voice that I'd once come to know but where did it go? and there's a beep and I just hang up the phone 4am wraps her arms around me she's warm and attentive cool and composed the opposite of complexity I tell her about who I used to be a smile with a rabbit for a heart but now look at me words inscribed on my own canvas permanent labels that I created tattooed with the testament of my mistakes so I have been making long distance calls to someone far from here not even sure if they hear the phone ring but I've been dreaming of hearing the voice that I'd once come to know but where did it go? and there's a beep and I just hang up the phone 4am likes it when I lie with her tangled in sheets and pillows comfortable mattress against our skin it's hard to say goodbye again but i see her every morning like clockwork she appears she's the only one who stays above water in my ocean of tears we have been making long distance calls to someone far from here not even sure if they hear the phone ring but I've been dreaming of hearing the voice that I'd once come to know but where did it go? and there's a beep and I just hang up the phone but I'm not alone 'cause 4am makes me feel at home

I'm drunk and this was supposed to be a song but I don't know what to make of it I can't find a rhythm maybe I'll do something with this later but I vomited words tonight so here have this shit

#insomnia #lonely #loneliness #prose #poetry #word vomit #spilled words #words #original #mine #drunk #suicide #suicidal thoughts #depression #anxiety #sleep deprivation #sleep #4am

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

your existence has brought forth new meaning to the things I thought I had already eulogized.

an excerpt from my latest work in progress

#love #relationship #in love #life #heart #relationships #spooning #good morning #original #mine

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

my depression has reached an all-time high and I am afraid of heights. I never imagined being 23 and lonely. I saw myself going to Saturday brunches accompanied with hangovers and a gaggle of goofs that make my world go 'round. I saw countless adventures with someone's fingers intertwined with mine as we cruise down the highway while we blast the melodies our adolescent versions of ourselves played over and over again. I saw my entire life ahead of me. now, I can't even picture tomorrow. I am stuck looking at a reflection of myself my own eyes cannot recognize. the shadows under my eyes, the Nile river flowing downstream on my face, the yellowed fingertips stained with a vice I cannot kick, inscriptions on my skin that were permanently written in red. this is not the person my ten year old self imagined. she imagined happiness in an endless circle of people surrounding her. she imagined eternal spontaneity without fearing consequences. she imagined a life with no stigmas, no worries, no heartache. if I could go back, I would tell her not to keep her hopes up. because today, I am twenty three years old and in a state of constant emergency. I have ghosts haunting my mind, skeletons in my closet, and demons lurking in the shadows. I am branded in hurtful words my own hands used to purposely remind myself of my pathetic excuse of an existence. my depression is at an all-time high and I am afraid of heights. I fear falling into a bottomless pit that I have already inhabited for twelve years. I am terrified of being amongst the shadows I have already come to know by name. I never imagined wanting to die at twenty three, but I guess there was no way for me to look into the future. I was too entranced by the looking glass that I gazed far too hard for far too often long that I fell in. gravity was never my best friend.

I relapsed again today and I'm realizing that this was not the life I imagined when I was ten. thirteen years later and I'm contemplating suicide once again. third time's a charm though, so fingers crossed I don't come back again.

#depression #suicide #trigger warning #anxiety #mental health #proses #spilled ink #word vomit #original #mine #goodbye #suicide letter #trigger #tw: suicide

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

Letters To You Series #1 || Dear Jade ( @vagabondly )

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

We've got thirty-seven minutes until we can call it a new day, and your arm is draped across my waist as you succumb to dreaming. I haven't done this in a year, and honestly, I wasn't sure I was capable of taking these kinds of risks anymore, but the contours of my body somehow feel at home within the frame of your bones. You really had me at "Hello." I don't understand how the mere timbre of your voice makes my fingertips tingle. It's like falling out of touch with my own world yet somehow melting right into your very own universe. I don't mind it. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be. As life would have it, you made your guest appearance in my dysfunctional sitcom of a life just four months ago, and yet oddly enough, you were quickly promoted to co-star in a matter of days. One week into this entire ordeal and I had an inkling that I was in trouble. Today, I know my hunch was right. You named our son the other night and told me the second his little fingers were strong enough to create their own melodies, he would become just like us. You said our daughter would have your curly hair and my dimples with a laugh sweet enough to solve all the world's problems. Had anyone else brought this up, I would've run for the hills, but oddly enough, I can picture everything you tell me. We're only four months in, but you said it already feels like both of us have lived enough lives to finally reach nirvana. I've never wanted to know that feeling until now. I don't know what we're supposed to be or even if we're supposed to be anything. But my God, I can almost see a tan near the knuckle on the fourth finger of my left hand. I can almost hear the cries of our sweet little ones in the middle of the night. I can almost taste the crisp autumn air in the middle of our suburban life. I feel your heartbeat in my fingertips and it feels like home. I think I've finally found my home.

#mine #prose #spilled ink #love #boyfriend #crush #original #it's not even pretty shit i just needed to get this shit out omg #gabriel

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

little poem

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.

Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

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(via books-n-quotes)

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still.

Jean Rhys, Voyage in the Dark

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(via books-n-quotes)

[sufferingfrominadequacy]

The devil shakes in his boots over this bitch’s bite. Amoebas have more heart than this shell of a soul and I can name eighteen different species of spiders I’d rather have as company.   I believe everyone in this world  deserves love, but for her, I’ll make an exception.

Schuyler Peck, Condolences (via schuylerpeck)

#dearest js