silentbutpainfullnightmares-blog

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You ruined me and made me think it was love.

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I'm the disappointment.

The "depressed" child.

The daughter with "Problems"

Ill never be what you want me to be....

#disapoitment #depressed #depression #upset #problemchild #forgoten #lonely #sad #alone #gone

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Always the last choice.

#sad #depression #depressed #lastchoice #upset #nofriends #lonely #notgoodenough #alone

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"BRB"

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"Round and Round the Merry Go Round"

I feel as though I am on a merry go round and it's getting faster and faster.

The harder I try and get off and escape the deeper it sinks into the ground below.

Day by day I am sinking into the black ground.

One day it is going to swallow me whole and no one will notice....

#deppression #anxiety #help #recovery #hate #sadness #overandover #sucidal #fear #lost

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"Daddy Issues"

People hear that and instantly have this thought of "Oh no this girl has issues" They think they know me.

The think it's as "easy" or as "Bad" as not having a father figure or seeking a father figure.

But its more, I crave the love, care and affection from a father. But not the sick and twisted "Love" I was shown and treated to growing up.

The first sort of affection from my father was that of this unrelenting rage, It was like any time he would see me this beast would take shape, this beast that would hit me, call me names and belittle me.

He would check the food I ate and beat me if I ate anything when I get home from school.

To younger me that was what I thought a father was like to those they love. So when the aggression and the hate changed to this other sort of "love" I craved it.

But its wasn't "Love" It was a wolf in sheep's clothing called "Grooming" He sore me not as his own flesh and blood but as a stranger or a friend. The hits turned into touches and hugs that lasted a bit too long or hands that moved to forbidden places.

How was a girl at the age of 13 to know any different, how was I supposed to know that by no chance this was a fatherly thing, He was a predator and I was his prey.

Fast forward 14 years and I still wrestle with this inner want. I want a father, I want someone to want to care for me and protect me. I want someone that is happy to take my calls, someone who would risk their own life for my own.

"Daddy Issues" is more then someone without a father or with father issues.

To me it is the missed years and memories that I will never have with a family member that will never ever be family again.

#Daddyissues #broken #nofather #daddysgirl #sad #depression #hate #grief #loss #assult #childhoodabuse #trauma #cptsd

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'Public'

That word sends shivers down my spine, I dread having to go to the shops or anywhere else where tones of people are.

My heart stops, my skin clams up, and I lose time. My vision blurs and I become a crumbling mess.

I also become vulnerable. I can't tell who is around.

Sinking into water, endless water. Blurred faces, muted voices and there is nothing I can do.

I am the mess, the mess on the floor.

#depression #mess #loss #stuck #anxiety #hate #dissosiation #dp #selfharm #panicattack #broken #gone #suicidal

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Im the replacement friend....

Im the person you ring or text if your main friends are busy and you don’t want to be alone so you pitty me and call me.

Not knowing that your call or text has pulled me out of a three day numbness and cloud that has held me hostage. 

As i am on the phone to you, listening to how our life sucks and how “You” feel so alone i am cleaning up the cuts i have just dug into myself.

Im the friend that gets overlooked, the one that walks behind the group of friends, the one that tries the hardest to fit into the group but always feels alone.

While you hang out with everyone i am at home looking at the photos you post on social media. 

I sit there crying and wondering why I am so different and why i was not invited.

#lonely #depression #sad #friends #forgotenfriend #therapyfriend #selfharm #anxiety

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The Butterly Project

For those that find comfort in a blade. 

Try the butterfly project, If you have heard of it i’m glad if not I will let you know what it is and what it is for.

It’s something for self harmers, for those that may get comfort from cutting, punching, burning or in general hating on your human body.

The butterfly project is not something that claims to be a quick fix, it is to help you slowly reincarnate “As a butterfly from a caterpillar”

The good thing about it is that you can be ac creative as you want with it.Simply grab a permo, Texter or pen and draw yourself a butterfly, onto your skin, it could be on unmarked skin or over scars the thing is that there is no wrong place.  “You could even draw a dragonfly, angel, dragon” 

Be as creative or simple as you like. Make it you, you in a butterfly form. 

An extra thing you can do is write someones name next to it or get a loved one to write it. 

Now with everything beautiful you wouldn't want to destroy it so while it the drawing calls your skin home you try your hardest to not harm, If you feel the need draw more onto yourself. 

“I once covered my hole leg in butterflys”

The goal is to distract the urge. Not to destroy it straight away because that causes a lot of problems. 

So take your time and breathe.

#selfharm #recovery #butterlfy #butterflyproject #perfectimperfections #depression #anxiety #cut #dontcut #stepbystep #beautiful

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“You Okay?”

How many times do you hear that and don’t know how to answer, do you bother them with a real response, would they really care anyway? 

Do you tell them that you are at a feeling past numb, a feeling of always feeling pain, but not like your typical broken arm or a bruise pain. 

The pain comes from the constant voices in your head telling you “Your not worth it’, “You are nothing more than a waste of a life”. 

The pain feels as though your ears will begin bleeding and your heart may stop beating.

So you just put on a smile and node because you know if you said yes you would be vulnerable and an look like just another “Teen Drama”

#sad #depression #youokay #notok #selfharm #suicide #pain #bleeding #crying #emo #goth

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You will forever haunt my dreams, what you did to me. What you made me into. .... I hate you!

#domesticviolence #depression #anxiety #depersonalisation #selfharm #deadinside #help me #youkilledme #Spotify

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#death #suicide #trapped #help #selftrapped

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The Thoughts That Run Through A Suicidal Mind.

#suicide #thoughts #death #help #pain #suicidal #dead

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Don't ever jump

#jump #suicide #don'tjump #dont #please #be #happy #staystrong #iloveyou

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Misery

I feel like cutting, Feeling the blood run, Leaving a trail of pain with it, shutting. Like shooting myself with a gun........ If life is so worthless, Then why do I sing?  All these versus, I don't think I'll make it to Spring? When all the pain,  Kills me When all it is in vain, All I want to be is free..... And get away from this misery, So I sit here bleeding, When everything leads to injury..... Because my heart receiving a beating..... Life is not worth living, So leave me here, So now put in your bidding. Because that is something I just can't bare..

#blood #bleed #poem #mypoem #free #misery #pain #gun