rantsbylaura

[rantsbylaura]

Late posted thoughts 1/14/15

I'm falling in love with an impossible boy.  A mix of reality and well crafted fiction. I'm taking words and phrases and applying them to this creature riddled with sadness and draped in mystery.

You are absolutely haunting.

#blogging #rantsbylaura #thoughts #personal

[rantsbylaura]

breaking radio silence, more static.

What is the point of working so hard to be secure just to have an empty wallet, empty panty and empty heart at the end of each day. I work so hard to provide, I work to make life better for everyone except for myself. I can't enjoy the fruits of my labor. I feel like I haven't been myself. I am not me. I am a shell, hollow, empty, drained. Just. DONE.  These little white pills keep me floating. My own personal life saver. Oh, Lexapro, my little savior in an amber vial, you lower the volume of the screaming anxieties in my head, you level out the clashing chemicals in my head and calm those firing nerve endings and receptors. You turn my life off so I can pretend to get by. 

BUT THIS IS ALL A LIE. I feel as if I'm being shut down, my reality is false and flawed. I want to face my problems head on but I'm too weak. My strength is laughable. 

#rant #ignore me #lauranon #rantsbylaura #depression #lexapro #escitalopram #anxiety #prose #help

[rantsbylaura]

[rantsbylaura]

you can't make someone love you with a song.

I've slipped too far away from gentle coastlines. Drifting farther out to sea, I've lost my way home. I'm sinking because I'd rather drown than crash head first into the mess of rock and debris. I can only swim towards more hardships, so I'll sink. I've lost my will to fight.  The small white happy pills do more good than bad.  Nights spent with my mind on fire are not worth the seldom waking stability.  My chest swells and feels as if flames are about to leap out of my mouth.  My head spins and my body aches.  Tonight, I will soothe my empty head with songs I've all but forgotten.  Isn't it funny how something 11 years old will evoke the same reactions.  I guess I've just been sad since I was 13.  I guess some of you have been right all along. I am a loner, I am the strange little girl in the back of the room. I'm the one who is left standing alone again.  I'm the one who's face fades into the background.  How is it that I can be the same emotionally and mentally as I was as a stupid, silly, sad teenager?  I'm a fucking adult now.  I thought it was supposed to be fucking easier.  I have a good job, I own a car, I have a college education, I moved away from home when I had the chance.  All in all, I'm living the dream I spun myself.  If this is what I wanted, why is this darkness creeping in again?

If not drugs, nor therapy, nor drinking myself to sleep will help, then what will?

#rant #depressed #miss me #ignore #rantsbylaura

[rantsbylaura]

i just wanted you to know that baby, you were the best.

There's a million unsaid words and conversations that will never be had running through my head. I feel so empty and alone again. This fucking sick cycle is wearing me down to absolutely no end. I am making plans to get out of here in the worst of ways. I am not well and I have reached a breaking point. I feel like a failure, all things in my life have been a huge disappointment. The pressure I put on myself combined with the external force of reality have exposed cracks and weaknesses in my foundation. I am raw and broken. I cannot go on much longer like this. I fear the worst and I feel that this is a decision that I am not choosing, this is a predetermined nightmare, this ending was chosen long before I ever knew what it was. I can't, I just can't do this anymore. I have nothing to gain, nothing to lose. I will be a horrible and indecisive person the rest of my life.

For fucks sake, I ruined the one chance I had at getting out of my slump OVER A YEAR AGO, and I am still beating myself up about this relentlessly. I can't fix this, I can't make you love me. I can just sit here and wonder if you'd ever let me get in again. You gave me a chance in bits and pieces and I let it get destroyed. Your success has turned me into a selfish, disgusting creature. I can't be happy for you, I am so fucking jealous and filled with hate that you could have been a happily ever after.  My internalized emotions will be the death of me, you won't even talk to me anymore. Your resistance is causing me to feel like I'm spiraling out of control. 

I can't do this anymore, I just want to go to sleep. 

#depression #ignore #rant

[rantsbylaura]

Lunch time brain release

"cut, cut, cut. dig, dig, dig. hurt, hurt, hurt."  These words echo in my head and bind my fragile bones. I feel totally encased in pain and suffering. All at the mention of you talking to someone else.  For weeks I go without collapsing under the burden of our secret.  Why the fuck do I care now? I care because you tossed me aside. Oh, it's just another Monday at work and I want to kill myself. All because you might like her. I am out of control with my emotions. I let men rule my life. I am so goddamn unloved it burns right through my skin. Being a lover scorned feels like my flesh is melting from the bone. I feel pure rage flowing through my veins.  I still want you to notice me, but I know based on how I've acted, (so rude and immature) that will never happen again.  I want to rip you limb from limb and replace my broken parts with yours. You took these things from me and now I want them back. I want my courage back, for when I am near you now, I am afraid. I was fearless in your gaze once.  l took life by the horns and now I'm timid and scared. I second - no - third - no - fourth guess my every move around you. Oh god, how I went from feeling like your star to being just a lost speck of dust floating in the sky.  I am so lucky that I never gave you my full heart It bounced out of my chest and into C's safe hands years ago. He has my heart and he has kept it safe and locked away for me. For if I gave you 100% of my heart, for certain I'd be dead now. I cannot even begin to understand how and name and a face can make me feel so empty. I feel like I've died a thousand times trying to win back your good favor and affection. NO matter what I do, it's never going to be enough.  I could never love you. But try as I might, I can never stop that sinking "what if" feeling. Dear God, I feel like sinking.  I still feel very out of control. I feel like a top, wobbling and spinning out of control without guidance. I thought I had come so far and one thing triggers me into a total downward spiral. Self control is a mother fucker. I crave it, I crave you deep in my body, under my skin, ever poisoning my blood stream.  

Oh God, make it stop, just please make it stop.  What started as just a simple loose screw is evolving into total demolition and destruction of a once sturdy structure. 

#blogging #depression #depressed #quarter life crisis #love #love lost #strugglebus #writing #personal #ignore #prose

[rantsbylaura]

[rantsbylaura]

a break from the bleak.

Been slacking on the typing and replaced the nonsensical clicking and clacking of my aching fingers for my lakeside retreat with a tiny notebook clutched in my death grip. The roller coaster seems to have come to a stop, for now at least. At first it seemed like I was going to slam head first into a brick wall without any restraint, but the closer I got to absolute chaos, I was able to buckle myself in and brace for impact. Little by little, things started falling into place to save me. By the time the imminent destruction seemed it was going to happen, my tiny support system had held me in place and my projected disaster was nothing more than just a slight jerk forward.

I have tried to view things as they are, not creating an entire galaxy of problems from one tiny bit of lonely starlight. Just because there is one thing you can see, doesn't mean that there is an entire disaster waiting to unfold when you have a clearer look. Sometimes, a star is just a star, not a catastrophic black hole waiting to engulf you in darkness.

The darkness of my head still looms over me. Some days, it's a black cloud, preventing me from seeing anything else but despair, hugging me close and my insecurities come alive. I can hear them taunting me that I'll never be good enough, that I'll never come out of this alive.  But other days, it is just a haze. It's like a smoldering summer day when you can see the heat rising off the pavement.  You know that it's there, you can see it, but you can't reach out and grab it. I can see through the haze and easily gain composure and see the other side of life.  Bit by bit and step by step, I'm coming out of this one alive. I said not too long ago to C that I only write (here or in general) in times of overwhelming emotional situations and that I feel like I can only write about the dark side of life. But, here, sitting here with a sheepish half grin on my face, I'm finding it easier to be expressive in a positive way.  Sure, I can write the saddest tale of the girl far from home with no one to help, but what good of a story is that? I am trying to make my story a real one. There's no room for fantastical beings and notions in this tale, but there is a heroine.  There is the girl who you feel for and cheer for and want all the best for.  To all of you whose eyes grace this string of letters and verbal stream of consciousness, I hope that you can be on my side too.

#blogging #rantsbylaura #personal #writing #blog #quarterlifecrisis

[rantsbylaura]

Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries, took the bus home, carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment and cooked myself dinner. You and I may have different definitions of a good day. This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill, worked 60 hours between my two jobs, only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks and slept like a rock. Flossed in the morning, locked my door, and remembered to buy eggs. My mother is proud of me. It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course. She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale” with, “Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs” But she is proud. See, she remembers what came before this. The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles, how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks. She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide. These were the bad days. My life was a gift that I wanted to return. My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs. Depression, is a good lover. So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you. And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world, That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting. It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created. Today, I slept in until 10, cleaned every dish I own, fought with the bank, took care of paperwork. You and I might have different definitions of adulthood. I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college, but I don’t speak for others anymore, and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for. And my mother is proud of me. I burned down a house of depression, I painted over murals of greyscale, and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live But today, I want to live. I didn’t salivate over sharp knives, or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge. I just cleaned my bathroom, did the laundry, called my brother. Told him, “it was a good day.

Kait Rokowski (A Good Day)

[rantsbylaura]

[rantsbylaura]

sigh.

it's hard to pull away when every note and every song i hear you whisper alone makes me think it's for me and my ears alone that should be hearing you. i know you don't sing for me anymore, but wouldn't it be nice if you did. 

#rant #feeling feelings #angst #blog #rantsbylaura #sigh

[rantsbylaura]

1am break downs

where do you go when there is no one to talk to and the light is only getting dimmer. how can you keep your head afloat when the flooding is coming from the inside. i am not battered by salty sea waves, but with my own words and thoughts. i am alone here, reaching out to anyone and anything with an open mind to let me ease my worried head. i am alone here, and images of the end are dancing around, a sick twisted mantra of demise lulling me to sleep. i am not getting better, i can't help myself anymore. the end seems closer and more beautiful each day.

at 24 years old i'm accepting i will probably never accomplish anything that i want. is acceptance a sign of depression? i thought it was just a step in grieving. well, in that case, i think i'm so far gone i've accepted this. i feel a great darkness falling over me once again. i don't know how i can pull myself out of it this time. you were my hope for so long and with the distance and disconnect, i can't see you helping me anymore. i think this is the end on all fronts. oh what a bleak life this has been. i can count more failures than anything else, what a blessed life to lead of feeling unfulfilled and overwhelmed by the smallest, most trivial of things. i have been a great disappointment thus far. 

#depression #breakdown #writing #blogging #personal #rantsbylaura #not okay #ignore

[rantsbylaura]

I have squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises

Its hard to write with paper cut wrists and demons dancing in your head. The noise is too loud to drown out, it boils and bubbles so until so it trickles in red drops out of my skin. It breaks free, a sweet release. Pain flowing freely and dancing down the delicate curves which long to be caressed. I can't help but nurse this broken heart from my own hand. I can't help but worry and read into every sigh, every breath and ever side snuck glance. I can't help but break my own heart, I can't help but worry about you. I read too far into every word you write, any inch you give me will be ran a mile long before you can tell me to be calm. The anxiousness of wondering if this can ever be mended is a tiresome dance. I struggle with just thinking if you're not as clever as I am, that a song is just a song and that the sly curling of your lips below those tired eyes is not for me. I long for the words whispered in darkness and listening to the sad song of your heavy heart. I should have let mine sing along that night, but it laid dead and silent. It cracked from being so delicate; one soft touch undid the fine craftsmanship to leave a million shards spinning out of control and falling all around me.

How do you mend yourself? Being truthful and honest seems like a good place to start. Who do you confide in about the monsters in your head, where do you run when you are the problem? One day I hope to find peace. A slip up and a cut up leaves me with miles of pain and millions of unanswered questions. If my destiny is in my own hands, why do I use them as vessels of destruction?

#rantsbylaura #rant #depression #quarter life crisis #blogging #feeling feelings #writing #blog #mine #ignore

[rantsbylaura]

i never thought i'd need all this time alone.

#rantsbylaura #rant #personal #blogging #quarter life crisis #lol what am i doing #relationships #writing #loneliness #heartbreak #answers

[rantsbylaura]

life's waiting to begin.

We're haunted. By our past selfs and actions. People change, but how much can a heart change.  I have given it all for you and given up myself in bits in pieces.  They were bad pieces in your eyes, but they made me whole.  I tried to fill my empty spaces with your love, but with every day going by since you doubted your love for me, the spaces are empty again.  What am I to fill them with? Cigarettes and coffee don't fix a heart that's breaking. Trivial things can't ease this soul. No bit of retail therapy can make me feel whole.  Two souls come together to become one bound in love, without the other half of me, I am empty.  I need my other half. I need to feel loved. If I can't have that 100% back, what is the point? The thought of trying to find another is the companion of worry filled sleepless nights. I can't peel myself off this floor, I can't bring myself to a peaceful night in bed.  My thoughts dance and fall head first into end game, worst case scenario ultimatums.  Is this the end? How can it be when I thought we were starting a new chapter.

A new part of life filled with sparking hands, white dresses and undying vows of forever.  How does I don't think I want to be with you come as a prelude to that? It can't. How can you recover from this? I have tried to ignore it, as I do with all bad things, but when you are the light of my life it is a hard change to be wandering around in darkness.  You shone life and happiness into my dead eyes three long years ago. Guided me to a better path, and now with that light growing ever dimmer, I am resigning myself to a life of darkness. Your words breathed a new life into a dying body. You saved me from myself. Now, we find your words pushing me away. I sit here as patient as one can be, waiting for your decision.  If I am to be an independent being, who does not depend on others for my own happiness, then why am I sitting here waiting for you to decide if you want to be with me or not? Should I move your lips for you and damn this all to hell?

Waiting for you to prolong the inevitable or stay with me despite miles and months of change is like watching a car wreck. You hope that last minute the sleepy driver will swerve out of the way and prevent destruction. Maybe they'll wake up and get back to the place that they belong. Or maybe they'll stay half awake and carelessly destroy everything in their path. 

#relationships #quarter life crisis #long distance relationships #my heart hurts #heartbreak #rantsbylaura #writing #blogging #depression #personal #boyfriend #love

[rantsbylaura]

August 14, 2013

And it's just my luck that you are never far.  When together is the last place we'd ever expect to be again.  There's a question marked shape hole in my heart where you used to wander in. My fragile heart beats frantically underneath paper thin skin.

You could read me like a book, but you don't like what you see on the cover. Really, who would want to be a secret lover? 

Ties that bind us lay broken in blankets and sheets. Our past is forgotten, no one dare speak of the nights spent tossing and turning over what comes next.  Now that next is upon us, we're silent.  My eyes always searching for you, always apologizing.  I'm sorry I'm so needy, I'm sorry I can't let you go.  I'm sorry for wanting to let go so many months ago.  My heart is torn, you're right here constantly, but the other is so far.  Too far to touch, too tired to speak.  I'm a mess of what if's and why nots.  I don't know what comes next again, all I know is that I'm missing out. 

#rant #rantsbylaura #personal #writing #confused #alone #i'm not clever #blogging

[rantsbylaura]

it's me and the moon she says.

I feel shut off, unplugged and disconnected.  I am trapped on this emotional upheaval from hell.  I swing and sway almost effortless from happy to a complete, distraught mess.  I yearn for simple tasks which I used to hold dear to my heart. I can't clean, I can't craft, I can't paint and I don't know how I'm managing to write at the moment.  I guess I'm forcing myself amidst the humidity and smoke dancing around my head.  I just feel so tiny and insignificant sitting here on planet Earth staring at the moon.  

In nearly 24 years I still can't quite figure out why my brain decides to shut down when all my ducks are neatly in a row.  I have a job, I'm getting a better job in less than a week, my living situation is about to go from alone with Lily to with a really nice and down to earth roommate.  Why do dreams of blades and pain dance in my head each night? I'm searching for contentment.  A smile cracks across my face to a good song, but will my happiness run out when the music stops?  Moments of happiness and normalcy are fleeting and far between.  I'm just lost again I suppose. I only come here for an escape when I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds.  I'm losing the ability to put on a happy face and suck it up, but lately the sour, bitter side is shining through.  Maybe it is just work, my boss is a dick and I hate my job, but it feels the same when the name tag is off and I'm home laying in bed restless.  

S told me to stop giving a fuck about things I can't control back when we first started talking about more than beer at the pool.  The realistic, rational and overly dominant thought process I have has declared that really nothing is in my control.  I'm always asking permission or seeking approval from someone else.  I could slap a quick bandaid on the blues, but it doesn't seem quite as efficient as finding out why the hell I'm so depressed all the time.  Maybe I am just lonely. Or, maybe I am in fact a bitter bitch who will never be satisfied with anything.  Tonight, with that bright, white, distant rock shining down at me seems like a good night to sit and listen to songs and melodies which have calmed troubled seas before.  

I think my friend Andrew McMahon said it best, "I'm so tired of days that feel like the night".

I am tired, of many things, but I think what I am the most tired of is myself. 

#rant #ignore #laura writes sometimes #rantsbylaura #50shadesofshutthefuckup