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omg this the worst. I'm packing for philippines and i was about to put a strongly pigmented blush back thinking "ugh no lola would hate this" but then i remembered she won't be there anymore :c

#damn that's messed up #kind of want lola to bully me again #lol she was cool i love her very much #lol #lola #philippines

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what's odd is my grandma passed, and i've cried the whole week prior to her passing, so I know im sad and im grieving- but everything feels like the idea of her death. because she's so far away it feels like there is a detachment. which i think has helped alot.

i will be seeing the family and hopefully my grandma (not sure when the funeral will be). i dont know if I will be able to handle it. i have a lot of feelings and thoughts.

what i've learned is that grieving alone is very hard. i found out today and i just wanted someone to hang around. my housemates were out all day. i didnt want to drive home bc i feel weak and sick (period pain). i sort of understand it. i just want to co-exist even if its hard on me. i understand that i needed the alone time to process and cry. but i also didnt like it. but i dont have the energy to reach out. blegh, i'll see my fam tomorrow

#life #grief

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who would have thought i would bring this back bc of the LAST month in 2023.

my heart is so full and im so grateful for the wonderful people around me that truly love and cherish who i am. I love my family, my friends, my coworkers, and youth and families i work with. 

but my heart is also simultaneously heavy. being in our 20s is so so hard. its so confusing. its maddening and frustrating and i’ve cried so much the past few months in 2023. 

that’s life huh?

#lola wtf #whats good #im slowly confused #and sad #and confused

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oh my god im going tomorrow. but not for good reasons

I miss philippines so much. I want to see my grandparents. And sit on the porch and people watch. And i love the noise and smells (well. you know not in the city). The weather. I miss it so much my god

#my grandma :c #i had this dream to live with m grandparents for a year #i can no longer do that with both #:c #philippines

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im literally 40 seconds into the first adventure time episode and i get it. i understand the hype. i understand why my little brother at 9 years old was so loyal to this show and still is at 20 lolol

#adventure time

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I miss philippines so much. I want to see my grandparents. And sit on the porch and people watch. And i love the noise and smells (well. you know not in the city). The weather. I miss it so much my god

#the food!!! #i understand im romanticizing #i dont care i want to see my family and feel at peace

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Nadine has such hot girl energy I STILL want to be her so bad!!!!

#nadine lustre #hot girl energy

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When you have a genuine crush, does anyone deeply hide it? Like if I genuinely feel myself feeling a certain way about someone, I never mention it to my friends. i guard that person n my heart like it’s my own precious spark to hold onto. 

but if i kind of like someone superficially it’s so easy to praise them out loud. 

vulnerability is so hard lol

#or do i just have issues #lmfao #crush

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at 25 years old and looking at my pinterest board from high school. 

i think there’s bisexual energy. 

so boomer of me to realize now. I had a LOCKED pinterest board that was titled “cute people”. 

1 picture of JJ field, 3 pics of nam joo hyuk, and 15 pics of kiera knightly, 10 of park boyoung, and 3 of nadine lustre. 

#i kind of dont like this discovery #its riling up my sense of identity and catholic guilt #internalized homophobia is real... #like why is okay for my friends to be bi but i can't #lmao #is it time for an am i gay quiz LMAO

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my heart is so full and im so grateful for the wonderful people around me that truly love and cherish who i am. I love my family, my friends, my coworkers, and youth and families i work with. 

but my heart is also simultaneously heavy. being in our 20s is so so hard. its so confusing. its maddening and frustrating and i’ve cried so much the past few months in 2023. 

that’s life huh?

#gratitude #life #20's #oh boy

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I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I will focus on making sure I’m experiencing it to the best of my abilities. 

#im so lost #all the time #that's okay #i need to enjoy the turbulence before boring routines happen haha #life

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sometimes im so bored at home then i realize i studied abroad and explored europe for funsies in college and i can def do it again

#not just europe #asia!! #wooooo #like why am i all sad its a possibility #lol #life #travel

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its gotten really hard for me to hold other people’s grief. I’m tired. Why do i have to hold hard things when I’m already sad. It doesn’t help that holding space for others marks the basis of any type of relationship. I think my problem is that its not mutual. I never feel safe enough to let others hold my pain and grief because it never feels big or valid enough. I need to work this out wiht myself and remember that it sokay to tak eup space. 

#life #rant #venting

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me in bed on tik tok 24/7 is giving depressive episode!!!!!

#there's a lot of change going on #all fixable and doable #but hard #hopefully im doing better #lol #life #mental health #especially when i dont even have tik tok on my phone #and now im on it 24/7 #ugh

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i sent a really nice guy a “not feeling it, wish you the best” message yesterday and it made me so so so so sad. 

he was really nice but I really wasn’t feeling much. but the loss of “what could’ve been”, or if maybe i might develop feelings later down the line if i just stick around is something i think about. 

BUT its not fair to the both of us if I force something that i already know won’t work. 

#life #dating #dating is hard #he was so sweet #but it felt very transactional #like no banter #i was okay with seeing him but not excited #very weird place to be in #i wanted a bf so bad LMAO

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i refuse to go to my girls for guy advice bc im just such an embarrassing mess like i get worked up over the smallest shit. 

i will only say the story once im done with everything lmao.  

#its like starting the engine over and over #and the car splutters #but we aint goin anywhere fam #like i wanted to reach out to my one friend 900000x about some guy #i held back #period!!!!!!

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are men just nervous human beings? what are they saying half the time?

#you know what it is #a complete disregard for how they come off #they just be talking lmao #rip this hinge man