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September 14th, damn this month has flown by and I'd be okay if it slowed down a bit. This is my favorite time of the year, I just adore it. Today is my day off, I woke up crying because I had a dream I was talking to someone special, someone i love dearly and when I woke up it wasn't real. However it was real last week and I'll hold onto that memory forever because fuck it was special. I keep seeing your smile, hearing your soft voice speak to me and only to me "you're so kind" . I believe that God has plans and I believe that God put people in places for a reason, I do not believe in coincidences and I believe that people can save you without even trying. I'm not sure if this post makes a whole lot of sense and quite frankly I'm very emotional writing it. My mental health has been in the dark lately, I feel stuck and trapped and I'm scared, I've been having medical issues and I feel alone because no one really understands exactly what I'm going through but me. I wanna go to the top of a cliff and just scream, scream until I can't feel anything anymore, because sometimes feeling all of this is just too fucking much to handle.
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August 25th. It's been a minute hasn't it?
Well today was my day off this week, I got up at 10am and decided I wanted to change my apartment. So that's exactly what I did. I started in the kitchen and changed the shelves, I moves the kitchen table. I rearranged the shelves in the living room, I went through all my books and organized them how I've wanted to for a while. I moved both couches and chairs, got rid of stuff and made room for things I wanted out in the open. I made room for all my coloring supplies on the shelve and I even put out all of my Halloween decorations. It's so cozy, I can't wait for my boyfriend to come over and see it. In the process I found some things to get rid of, some things I didn't mind parting with by giving away to my little sister. Tonight I'm making pork chops with baby red potatoes and sweet corn on the cob, It sounds so yummy I can hardly wait to be honest with you. My friend Zach might be coming over which I hope he does because I like cooking for other people other than myself. I restarted watching Breaking Bad, it's probably my favorite tv show of all time, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend for getting me into it along with plenty of other shows like Game Of Thrones, Lost, The 100, Family Guy and I'm sure I'm forgetting more. I started a new medication for my tummy, I'm really hoping it works although I started it five days ago and I haven't noticed a difference but also no crazy side effects like last time so that's good haha. Anyways I'm gonna go now but hopefully I'm gonna be more active on here. Love y'all xoxo dumb hoe. aka -joanna
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Thursday June 30th
I told my boss I’d open so here I am at the ass crack of dawn. I’ve done all my opening duties so again here I am writing to you. It seems I never have time for you anymore, I don’t write nearly as much as I should and it makes me sad. It took nearly everything for me to get out of bed, like three am? Seriously? Shits crazy man I don’t get it. It’s already humid outside which is gross, I like the heat but not when it’s like this. Makes everything you so unbearable. I’d rather be home in bed. But 99% of the time I’d rather be home in bed. When my alarm went off I hit snooze and lay there and thought of every possible way I could not go into work but alas I am here. I was putting on a little makeup in the bathroom when my boyfriend slept yelled at me “open!” I damn near flew out of my body, I came running in the bedroom “what’s wrong?!” Fucker was snoozing like a baby. But then when I came to kiss him goodbye he got up to pee and just drove me to work, I only live a minute away but since it’s 3am I always appreciate it. Words can’t describe how much I love that man, I’d do just about anything to make him happy. We’re rewatching Stranger Things, getting ourselves ready for volume 2 of season 4, I’m not ready. I don’t know who’s gonna die and that scares me. I think it’s gonna be Steve, Eddie and Murray those are my weird guesses, so I guess we’ll see. We finally got the pool at him parents up and running but ya girl started her period the day it was done so now I have to wait another five to seven days to enjoy it! And it’s about to be 4th of July weekend ugh. One of many struggles of being a woman. I’ve been trying to think of birthday plans for my 24th other then spending the day in bed crying because for some strange reason that’s what I normally have always done on my birthday, I’ve always had bad birthdays, I’ve normally spent it alone or sad and I don’t know if that’s just a depression thing or an unlucky thing but it’s my thing. My finger tips are so dry, so is my arms and chest, I’ve been breaking out in a rash on my chest for the past few weeks and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t know if it’s because of the summer heat or just my anxiety but it hasn’t gone away. I cut my hair recently and I’ve grown to love it, I gave myself bangs but I can sweep them to the side if I’m not feeling them at the time and I love it. Makes me feel good about myself. I’ve been feeling confident lately which is surprising. 4:48am God I wanna be in bed, why does everything about that sound like an absolute dream? The warm covers, the fan blowing on me, the silence of the world, my man and little dog by my sides. I find such comfort in those things. I will get to take a nap when I get home today at 11am but for starters it won’t be dark anymore and my man will be at work so lame but I’m looking forward to it. Thank God for naps and thank God I have a warm safe place to lay my head. -Joanna
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It’s not everyday you get to meet your faves. Thank God for concerts.
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This morning I'm feeling so much better in my own skin, today is my fourth day back on Zoloft and I know what you're thinking back on? Yes I slowly weened myself off of 200mg to taking nothing but I realized that taking nothing was nearly impossible. I tried another medication my doctor suggested but it made me throw up literally every single fucking morning to where it was not worth it and it wasn't helping my issues so I'm back on Zoloft but only 20mg which is a big change, I'm hoping its enough for me to be okay. I slept like a log for the first time in weeks probably because I ate an edible and a benadryl cause I wasn't feeling well but know knows. I'm drinking some tea my sister gave me and I"m eating breakfast me?? eating breakfast I know but I am. I'm gonna go shower now but thank you for reading. Love always me <3
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What do you do when you feel like nothing at all? My anxiety has been at an all time high, I stopped taking Zoloft because I was having some issues and now being off it and being on a new pill is not fun. I don't know what to do and part of me wants to give up completely and not take anything but I feel scared. I'm scared of everything. My fibromyalgia has gotten worse, my sleeping pattern has gotten worse. Everything EVERYTHING is a struggle for me now, brush my teeth, shaving in the shower, going to work and now resting I can barely do, I feel like my legs need to come off because I can't stop moving them. I wanted to write in my journal but I couldn't hold the pen so here I am writing on here because it's easier for me. I don't know what the point of this post is but it's helping me just do something. I've been tossing and turning, trying to get high but I'm afraid of puking cause of the medication. I'm watching the Johnny Depp trials now and It's just crazy how they are asking him some of these questions. "How did you like working on Nightmare On Elm Street?" "Were you please with the Pirate movies?" how is any of that important to his situation? Amber Heard can eat the phattest hairiest cock there is and I stand by that. But back to life, It's four pm and I don't know what else to do, Timmy is gone right now and I'm home alone with Hazel but she's in the living room and I'm in the bedroom sitting on the bed, legs crossed with my pillow desk thingy and laptop on lap. This post is boring but I thank anyone who's taking the time to read it. I'm gonna try to go do something else now Bye for now -Joanna
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I'm not even gonna lie to ya'll this month has sucked. The worst thing by far is falling on the icy cement yesterday. I'm in so much pain it's insane. I fell right on my tail bone, my boss saw me outside crying and I had to have my boyfriend come pick me up because there's no way I could have walked home. My heating pad is missing and I'm out of edibles so I can't even get high without fucking my lungs up. anyways I'm gonna try not to complain. I'm just tired of bad shit happening. I've been laying in bed watching Bob's Burgers. It's a quite day, just trying to heal asap because my job is too important to me. I'm hoping to get the Nintendo Switch soon but I can't decide what game I should get with it. I'm bored and feel unmotivated to do anything that requires getting out of bed.
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It's 10pm, I'm high as fuck. Once I got home from work I took a long hot shower with my blue led lights on while listening to music, I put on my favorite body oil and ate my wrap that I got from work. I then ate an edible and now I'm relaxing. I'm eating a doughnut thingy and I'm also realizing that doughnut is doughnut and not donuts, Dunkin Donuts is the only people who call them that omg . Anyways. I don't work tomorrow so I plan on trying to do some more self care. mhmmm I'm hella tired all the sudden so I'm probably gonna go to sleep. Goodnight ya'll
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January 24th
I feel so uninspired with writing, I wanna write a story so badly but I cannot think of anything to save my life. I have had writers block forever and ever, I wanna write something that's not fan fiction and something that I wrote myself. I just finished eating dinner, I made pork chops and mashed potatoes with carrots on the side. It was super yummy. I'm not sitting in my bed listening to Hey Babe! while I write this, they are my favorite podcast ever. Sal & Chris are my <3 It's seven pm, I have half an edible left and I'm debating if I should eat it or not. Back when I was younger I was able to come up with so many ideas and fun things to write about but now i'm stuck. ugh
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where the fuck have I been?
January 22nd 2022.
I’ve been away but I’ve been getting better, November was a hard month I almost lost my little brother, my best friend. December had it’s ups and downs Christmas was wonderful, however I got fired from my job. They let me go because I forgot to pay for a bag of beef jerky and I know what you’re thinking *I’ve been there for two years and they fire me over something like that?* the answer is yes the bosses are no life cunts who only care about themselves. But anyways good things came my way, I started a new job and I’m so much happier. I truly believe that I can say I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been. I love myself again and I don’t know if its because I left the place that made me feel so small or if its because of new beginnings, either way I’m thankful. I’m content, I work at a place i love and I’m in a healthy relationship. I have my little doggy Hazel B. When I’m home *which is all the time now that its a snowy mess here in Michigan* I watch Pokemon with my other half, I’ve been watching Full House from the beginning all the way through. I watched it growing up but never fully watched it all. Rest in Peace to the wonderfully amazing Bob Saget. That was a celebrity death that really fucked me up, was it the fact that I grew up watching him on Nick@Nite? The fact that he gave me more advice than my actual father? yes probably. Needless to say I have Daddy issues and boy Danny Tanner was my tv dad. It’s 9:25pm and I have work at 3:30am which means I should probably go to sleep but considering my dear friend Zach just gave me an extra Chromebook he had I’m setting it all up and playing on it, yes that’s why I’m back and I plan on being back more frequently. So here’s to new beginnings and the New Year. <3 thank you to anyone who took the time to read my post. It means the world. xoxo -Joanna
#blog#full house#danny tanner#daddy#mental health#cussing#happy#healthy#strong#2022#newyear#newbeginnings
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October 24th
Continued
So writing maybe but I’m stuck, I can’t seem to get the words out of my head. Sundays are so slow at work, just older people coming in and getting the news paper and scratch off lottery tickets. I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open all the way, they feel so heavy like little invisible butterflies are laying on top telling me “it’s okay to close your eyes miss” I just watched Coraline with my brother so the strange thoughts haven’t quite left my head. Maybe I’ll watch another Tim Burton movie today, Corpse Bride? Frankenweenie perhaps? I know I need to just write down any thought, story or scenario that I think of but I tell myself “what’s the point if I’m not gonna finish it?” Or “am I ever really gonna do anything with it?” Im too hard on myself I know. My mother never read anything I wrote as a kid/teen. Not my short stories nor my poems because she said she hated poetry. But how could she hate something her child wrote? “Your father wrote so many poems about how I broke his heart and he’d go on and on about them” so I never tried again.. then I thought maybe have my dad read them, if he writes them maybe he’ll enjoy. But then when he said my poem was sexy i Immediately shut it down and out. That was just another weird thing you shouldn’t say to your daughter on the list of many that he did. So no parents would read and douche bag boyfriend didn’t care because “who is this about?” “Someone else? Not me?!” Because he wanted me to write about him but little did he know I did but in different ways about the ways he broke me from who I was. So I always told myself if the people around me wouldn’t read then why should I write? Why should I try? How can I be proud of it if my mother couldn’t even give two shits about the words I wrote. But then came along you. My best friend and you did so many things that no one had ever done for me and you didn’t even realize how much they meant. Like wanting to watch my favorite movie with me, that I tried to show my boyfriend but he never was interested, now that I look back he never was interested in anything that brought me joy. But you read my poetry without a single sigh or complain, When I had my journal out you simple asked me if you could read. I didn’t even need to ask. And that made my pussy wetter than anything else. Because you showed interest in the things I loved, the things I wrote, the music I listened to. Another time I knew I was falling deeply in love is when you listened to an album with me at midnight when it was released, we sat quietly and you let me cry on your shoulder while “play this when I’m gone” was heard for the first time. You were always there when he hurt me, when she hurt me and when he did again. And I didn’t fall simply because you listened I fell cause of the way you smelled and the way you laugh. I fell cause the way you love your family and the way music means so much to you. I fell because nothing bad never happened when I was around you, toxic energy and sadness didn’t happen when I was around you. Before you I didn’t know that someone could love as hard as I love. I didn’t know that kindness was double sided, I didn’t know that someone could actually like me for my mind and my heart before ever even seeing me naked. So when we kissed it wasn’t a fuck or a feeling of sexually aggression. It was a kiss of I really love you and thank you for caring so hard for me. How is it that when I start writing something it always ends with you? Cause that’s exactly how my mind works, it’s you and always will be. My safe place.
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October 24th
Tired as shit. Woke up in the middle of the night having an asthma attack, tummy hurts and I’m cold. So needless to say I’m not having fun. But what Sundays are actually Fundays when you work at a gas station and working the opening shift? My bones hurt and were practically screaming at me to stay in bed, you know when your so exhausted that you lay in bed for an extra few minutes and try to figure out how you could get out of working? But rent is coming up and I gotta make 💲💲💲. It’s hard to get up for work regardless of anything but Autumn/Winter getting up is Hell on earth. I didn’t wanna leave my cozy nest, my dog was curled up under my arm and the air outside of the covers felt heavy. It’s almost nine now though and I have only a few hours left of my shift. I plan on going home and making soup for dinner, I’m gonna take a nap and watch Fosters Home For Imaginary Friends til I fall asleep. Later on I need to wash dishes and sweep the house but I’ll do that later. I’ve been coloring a lot more to try to stay off my phone but sometimes I get tired of it. I wanna learn more things, I’m trying to make myself learn how to crotchet but man it’s harder than it looks. continued but didn’t all fit.
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Trigger warning: mention of suicide.
August 12th
Life is crazy, it’s insane how much can change within a year. I saw on my Snapchat memories a year ago I stayed over night in a hotel, alone. Because I was in such a toxic relationship and we had gotten into a fight to where I didn’t even feel comfortable in my own apartment. It was late when I got there, i was scared and alone. I remember calling my best friend just to hear his voice. Now a year later I’m with that best friend, we fell in love. And a word of advice I wish I could tell everyone out there who isn’t happy in a relationship is. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Because I didn’t know what love was until I was with who I’m with now. I didn’t know that someone could love as hard as I could. I know it sounds cheesy and whatever but I’ve never knew that someone could love me endlessly. It’s little things he does for me that know he’s the one, forehead kisses and head rubs when I’m going to sleep. Surprising me with iced coffees, paying attention to me when I tell a story and actually being interested in what I have to say. Getting high on weed and watching our favorite tv shows together, driving down a back road and singing our hearts out. Playing board games and going over to visit his parents. He loves the way I get so passionate when I talk about the things I love, he loves me without makeup but can appreciate when I do. He doesn’t care about my stretch marks and he loves my tummy. He actually loves my tummy and when you find someone who loves all the things you hate about yourself you start to love them to. So believe me when I say there is someone out there who is going to love every inch of your body and soul, someone who adores you from head to toe. I think about my suicide attempts from time to time, it’ll be four years ago in April being my last attempt. How stupid I was for believing that that life I was living was as good as it was gonna get and dying would be better. Because now life is so precious to me and I’m so great full for everything and everyone in it. I know you’ve heard this many times and it’s so over said but Life DOES get better. It starts with you, you have to have hope. You have to believe it. You have to want to get happy, you have to want to help yourself. I get off work at 11 today, just a few more hours. And I get to go to that same apartment I mentioned in the beginning of this post but I get to go there knowing it’s a home. It’s where my Halloween decorations are put up already because they makes me happy so why not put them out now? Where my books are stacked high, my fridge full of food and most importantly where the love of my life is sleeping cozy in our bed with our dog Hazel. So how could I not be happy? Please do something nice for yourself today. And if anyone is reading this right now, thank you for listening. -joanna
#blog#self help#writing#happiness#love#boyfriend#stoned#self care#happy#cute#depression#help#self love#makeup#Halloween#f4f#it gets better
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July 23rd
i don’t know anymore, i feel numb. I feel so unmotivated. I wanna do things but the heat of summer makes it hard, a lot of people have winter depression but mines for summer. I don’t wanna go outside when it’s as hot as it’s been. I don’t even know what to do anymore, I don’t even feel like writing this but my boyfriend isn’t home and I’m making myself do something while he’s gone but it’s hard. I’m sad. I wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish I felt like I had more of a purpose. I’ve been wanting to write so badly but I have absolutely no inspiration. I’m just so bored with myself and my life. I wanna be happy. -joanna
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July 11th.
Sunday. the past few days I’ve felt disconnected with myself, I felt my body and my soul did not belong together. I felt the world was drowning in the darkness of my own mind. I even went home from work early yesterday from feeling absolutely awful inside and out. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I hate being alone and I need to get over that but I fear it’ll be difficult but I’m trying. I have to learn to be okay being alone sometimes.
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