gothsimulacrum

[gothsimulacrum]

live in lover

i miss you most during thunderstorms 

they scare me but i know you love them

i used to run to our windowless kitchen and wait for the rain beating the single glass pane to pass,

only if i wasnt able to bury my face into your neck and tuck my nose behind your ear 

i miss your neck and all its different feelings;

the tendons that would protrude from it as they strain while you sing 

drowned out by the cracked cymbals and broken toms i would play badly,

with the hope of making you smile. 

and i miss the sheen of sweat on your skin that would glisten in the half light of your desktop lamp

where i would nestle my short and giggling breaths moments after our small death

and hear your heartbeat slow so gradually 

i miss the simple kiss i would place as i was heading out for the day, while you were still brushing your teeth, leaving me to brush back your curls and have an excuse to breathe you in, 

and you would murmur something soft through your toothbrush.

i miss the feeling of you pulling me in close and my head lolling right into place under your chin

as we sway in the chemical lighting and im too high to speak 

and you look after me 

the first thing ill do when i see you is kiss your neck 

#lgbt #wlw #romantic #poetry #poets of tumblr #poem #girlfriends #lonely #poet #confessional #confessional poetry #quarantine poem #quarantine #lesbian #bisexual

[gothsimulacrum]

sumMerTyme

the grass is turning brown and 

death hangs on my shoulders and around my throat

slick air curls through my nostrils

it lacks a banana coffee charm 

that would soothe my stomach and appease a bygone hope.

the fleshy soles of my feet peel back and reveal nerves and vessels and copious quantities of blood

grasp my pinky toe and pull my skeleton through 

watch me burn myself dead

escape crawling flesh and be chalky dry bone 

that can crack and snap 

and bend slightly before it breaks 

no more flesh no blood no breasts or cheeks with tears dripping down them or red mottled chests no brain no thoughts no fear 

they were right when they said hell would be hot 

heaven would be the cold wind at night as i sit on the scaffolding on the roof that was taken down years ago 

#heaven #hell #summer #poetry #sad #sadgirl #sad boi hours #confession #poem #poet #poets on tumblr

[gothsimulacrum]

we have scars

you have your scars.

there's one across your throat

and more to come. 

mine are on my hips, 

and you were never critical. 

you weren't understanding, but you weren't critical,

and we would spend hours in uncomfortable positions, silent and aching

were we even who we thought we were?

i know i was not my me then 

there was a percentage sticker on my face, it would hang off my tounge

but you were different to what i thought too.

i want to get plastic surgery this summer. 

the clinic is on the same street i sat with you on the marble steps and braided your hair and called you beautiful and wished you good luck and thought about how much i loved you because i did, i did, if that isn't love then ill never find it 

at the end of the day i don't remember why i loved you, 

but you loved what i did and that was enough 

you didn't guide me into the sunlight but you watched me step out when i was able to, finally.

and i'm angry you didn't mind

i hope you find peace. because you could never find it in attic rooms and ikea furniture and silicone and me

i don't know where you'll find it 

i hope its somewhere close 

#lgbtq #poetry #poem #my ex #poets on tumblr #original poem #confessional #sad poem #sad poetry #sad girl #sad boi hours

[gothsimulacrum]

where i know you

i sent you pictures of the morning fog because its been 

months since i've held you.

since we swayed that morning with smiles wrapped round our heads 

and vodka in our throats and the 

start of something different.

maybe we will act differently,

or maybe we won't.

i know you best in the physical, in the pleasurable.

try as i do to keep up with your rambling head,

the lion pacing circles around a rusted cage with children pressing their faces against the bars, taking pictures for Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter. 

i have been too liberated for too long

to have the same passion as you.

i read Lenin, and Marx, and watch videos on the DPRK, and argue with my mum about american propaganda, because wouldn't it be nice to be able to defend someone like you do, to have all that fire around a table in a pub.  

so i send you pictures of the morning fog,

and remember what it feels like to kiss you softly.

if i try, i can almost press my lips against yours, your top lip slightly bigger than your bottom one and your mouth full of words that cause something in me to stir. 

at least i will always know you there.

#poetry #poets on tumblr #poet #creative writing #lenin #marx #confesssion #lgbt #lesbia #quarantine #quarantine poetry #quarantine poem #sad boi hours #sad girl

[gothsimulacrum]

i am a girl

i am a big scary girl with leg hair and cheap tattoos i got from a friend and muscles i use to pin my girlfriend down with in bed 

i am a soft feminine girl with pink nipples and long painted fingernails and mascara smudged into the bags under my eyes from drunkenly falling asleep in my makeup that is now two days old 

i am a quietly broken girl with shaking fingers and yellow teeth and perfectly parallel scars that you can only see in the daylight in the year 20, april 14th

i am a sad masculine girl with a roman nose and i strap on that i wish i could feel when i use it and a voice that isnt low enough but that i am struggling to change 

i am a sexual, sexual girl who masturbates daily and loves her curves and takes nudes that makes her ass seem bigger than it is which makes her feel not a lot really 

would it be so bad to have a dick? i will never know. 

i am a girl, i think. 

#poetry #poem #poets on tumblr #sad #sad poem #confessional #sad boi #sad girl #sad boi hours #creative writing #gender #my gender is #gender confusion

[gothsimulacrum]

chris

I had to go to the post office this morning

it was raining and i hate going there because i have to walk past your house

i mean i dont really have to but itd be a detour not to

and i was already upset- so indulging my morbid curiosity 

i walked past. 

I hate that you live 6 doors down from my childhood best friend you have ruined this road for me

because every time i walk it i just hear

the mamas and the papas california dreamin’ 

and i see myself in that grey shirt and i hate what followed that, 

for about a year. 

You took over my brain with your ginger beard and your cigarette smells, you would roll your fags yourself because we worked the same minimum wage job. 

You dont have money you live with your parents 

but i mean, it is london prices round here so its hard to make fun of you too much.

I saw you working in vodafone the other day, 

i hate having to cross the road so you dont see me, visiting london is hard now 

when theres the constant risk of you seeing my face, 

why do you live five minutes from me? 

I dont know what id do if we bumped into each other again, 

but regardless i am walking past your house on the morning of new years eve. 

I know which room is yours, its the one i blew you in, remember? 

The big window on the right, 

i look but the curtains are drawn, theres only a slight sliver near the top 

where i can see in and i half hope that id see you through it, 

i hate that ill always have some sort of obsession with you. 

I was so young when i met you. 

I walk past your house, on my way to pick up that parcel id almost forgotten about, 

thinking about how my little sister is older now than i was when we met. 

I get the parcel 

and i have to walk past your house again now. 

Im drawing closer 

i hate the colour of your door, its the same colour as mine, 

a pale shade of green 

which your mum probably picked.

I hate that i remember ringing that doorbell so well, 

and the fairy lights on your stairs, 

you walking me home afterwards and me feeling hollow. 

I walk closer to your house and see in the other window, on the left, a cat. 

The cat is white with a grey splotch on it.

i am immediately angry because you didnt have that cat when i knew you. 

You had three cats, all of them grey, one was called draco. 

You got a new cat? 

Did one die and you had to replace it, or do you have four cats now? 

I say you, it wouldve been your parents, 

you were too stoned to care about anything much. 

You showed an interest in me though.

I hope if i ever see you again

ill hit you. 

I think this has all been coiled inside of me for so long 

i deserve that release one day. 

That would require me to be standing in front of you though, 

and i dont know how that would go. 

You were shorter than me. 

Remember when i dyed my hair ginger by accident 

and all the customers thought we were brother and sister? 

Im still angry about the cat. 

Im angry about you. 

Im angry about the sad stories under my belt that make my girlfriend sad. 

And im angry about how im still thinking of you three years later. 

#poetry #poem #poets on tumblr #confession #confessional poetry #sad poem #sad boi hours #sad girl #creative writing

[gothsimulacrum]

Bequeathal

ive never seen a dead body before 

but im trying to picture my corpse on a stainless steel slab 

give them my age and cause of death 

let them poke and prod, slice my veins vertical and saw through my hips 

take a look at my kidneys and balk, i beg of you.

admire my tattoos preserved on flesh now smooth like marble, i can be a formaldehyde angel! 

my glassy eyes more grey than before, poke them through my eyelids to see if theyre still intact or if theyve turned to jelly 

maybe my severed head will look like martin blower’s from hot fuzz, that makes me laugh

but i dont wear glasses 

so giggle at my mistakes and cut out my crowns 

im coated in irony, appreciate it and try to learn anything at all 

i envy my butchers 

its just another example of a corpse but i know id be more solid then 

you can take my skull and crack it open, comb my brain for certainty maybe 

you might struggle to find any 

hack me to pieces, ill be more whole.

#poetry #poets on tumblr #poem #sad poem #sadgirl #creative writing #confessions #writers on tumblr #sad #sad thoughts

[gothsimulacrum]

Fairytale of Soho

I was just unkindly reminded 

That it was a year ago today we had sex with a strap-on for the first time 

There were two roses in a pint glass on my bedside table, a pink one and a red one-

because people still expected you to buy those for me 

I promise they dont now

We are both very different people 

I have fallen, gotten up and fallen again 

Not that ive let you know 

You looked beautiful and i dont regret our aching months 

Except sometimes when im being selfish

Red silicon and chemical smells we will grow to love 

In eight months time the metal clasps will 

have rusted shut 

Dont tell us that now 

Let us just exist 

Holding each other in this christmas haze 

When i thought you alone were happiness 

#poetry #poem #sad poem #sadgirl #creative writing #confessions #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr

[gothsimulacrum]

howdoyoufallasleepsober

Its past 11 and im coughing 

Hacking up chunks of nothing 

Im sober and

Its easier than i thought 

Oh no honey the walls are closing in again 

Oh no honey im taking up space again 

Im thinking of the shortcomings of fallowfield and i can see faces in the cinderblocks 

Amy from Witch Fever is there, and also on the poster 

I feel bare in your poetry 

And knowing other people have read it feels like exhibitionism 

Im dirty, a girl with an eight inch strap and an onlyfans 

Youre as much of a whore as you can be 

Maybe im like lil peep 

Just a puppy packed full of fentanyl not an addict i can stop i stopped tonight because i told two people i would, tonight 

Last time i did this i chain smoked on the stairs out of a vague sense of poetry

Tonight i didnt bother 

My tattoo hurts and my kidneys hurt a little bit if i think about it 

I promised id get that checked out soon 

Please let me stay in your bed more often 

I dont mind you throwing me out at seven 

#poetry #sad poem #sadpoetry #sadgirl #insomnia #sad #confessions

[gothsimulacrum]

Cremate Me

Add my ashes to the growing pile of those that left too soon when i leave soon 

Because my dusk is coming like a tube on the Piccadilly line screaming down the veins of London 

A city i hate and have tattooed on me forever, i wont remove it

Because i need to be someone who has ink they regret 

Im scared of my lacklustre tombstone

I want to be the most! The strangest looking the funniest the loudest what can i find that youll remember me by, because god knows i dont have a talent to offer

Fuck it, get an offensive tattoo! shave your eyebrows off! fuck the people you shouldnt! Make everybody know you for your actions because you arent much else 

Im jealous of those who have made themselves into something 

Morphing their future memory like supple clay in their hands, they carve contentment inside

But i am too dry, im flaky and im crumbling in my palms, slipping through my crackling fingers

I fall to dust when i shake myself and i become the ash that i will be soon

Pour some spirit on me, so i might be less dry

#poetry #sad poetry #sadgirl #confessions #death

[gothsimulacrum]

13/11/16 - London, Alexandra Palace