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chasingthelight-blog · 4 months
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Life scares me. My future terrifies me. My present is a routine.
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chasingthelight-blog · 5 months
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How I feel (and how I feel about myself) is paramount – happiness over wisdom, contentment over apparent success, freedom over finance, integrity over vanity, compassion over cruelty – I need to like myself much more than I require anyone else’s approval.
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chasingthelight-blog · 6 months
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Recently, I have sat in pain—often numb—dismissing thoughts!
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chasingthelight-blog · 6 months
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So, what is on my mind right now? Holy shit, so very much!
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chasingthelight-blog · 8 months
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Today, my ego's out of control
I love me, myself and I🥹
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chasingthelight-blog · 10 months
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I have had a headache for the last 4 days.
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chasingthelight-blog · 10 months
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I’m afraid if I stop and look honestly at my life I’m going to realize I can’t do this any more. And that scares me.
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chasingthelight-blog · 10 months
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Doom, disease, dark forces, dystopia.
Arghhhh!!!! Everything’s fucked!
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chasingthelight-blog · 11 months
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If I am being honest with myself I never thought I would be back here. In this place, this feeling. Stuck. Stagnant energy anchoring down my heart and soul. Like wading through muddy water: it is exhausting and feels like it will never end.
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i am not myself these days
i look in the mirror
i do not see me anymore
i wake up in the morning
i do not feel like me any longer
i am not myself these days
i appear to be somebody else
i want the old me back
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I wish I could mute my thoughts
from overthinking😮‍💨
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What are these voices in my head? Are they me? Is this the multi-channel streaming service of self? Who is their audience?
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I have been struggling due to health issues over the last several months. Actually, it has been a rough year so far. I’m spending most of my days managing chronic illness, and honestly, I’m angry and anxious about it all. I feel like I’m drowning, trying to manage one problem after another, trying to keep my head above water, so to speak.
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It is a Saturday night, in the middle of December, in Lydenburg and I am sitting on my bed in my bedroom. There is a candle burning, casting a warm glow – the only light in the room, other than the screen from my laptop. It’s raining outside. Not a heavy, loud rain… no, a slow, light drizzle. It is quiet and peaceful… romantic, even – a true “midsummer’s night dream.”
But I am alone.
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Today I will try not to beat myself up because I can’t control my brain or my emotions. I will try to believe it with my heart and not my head. It seems like such a short trip from your head to your heart but in my experience there is a chasm there. But I guess I’ll try to cross it.
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Depression and Anxiety! This is lived experience; there’s that outer part where it’s just lived experience. But when you go a little bit deeper, there’s a daily struggle. I have panic disorder, delusions, hallucinations, and it’s been a little bit tough. I find it hard on a daily basis to just live my life. I’m still a person. In some ways I’m still like you and everybody else on this earth, but it’s hard. Very hard….
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