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astral-orphan · 5 months

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Those horrid white walls

I do grow quite weary of these unpleasant, cream/off-white walls which line my apartment. Try as I do to cover every inch of wall with posters, tapestries and posters it is never enough and the incredibly bland paint color mocks me. While repainting them is allowed, because we rent it is hardly worth the effort. Never-mind the fact we would have to repaint it back to the dreadful color upon exodus from our lease. It saps my creativity and causes depressive thoughts. The many tiny pinholes of countless wall décor and posters dot the horrid paint like a honeycomb, enough to cause tropophobia. Color is a great motivator and many a study done on the effect of colors on the human psyche. Prisons, psyche wards have their walls painted with similar dull colors to induce a sense of apathy and to stifle thought of escape. In the same sense I do feel a prisoner, not of this place but of society, of my socioeconomic status. My pc and television screens become a gateway to other worlds, more exciting ones, distraction my only solace in a cruel, doomed world ruined by capitalistic greed. Out my window, also painted the accursed white, people blindly immerse themselves with menial, trivial everyday tasks as the country slowly collapses around them. We are so absorbed in our own schedules, chores and jobs that we rarely are afforded a moment’s respite to really reflect on our own thoughts and surroundings. They want to keep us occupied so we don’t have time to think; to question our authorities, our “betters”, as the rob us blind and poison our food and air. Sleep comes as a relief, those tiny little slices of death that we gamble and dance with the reaper nightly. Dreaming is free (for now), and provides great insight into our subconscious. For to die is easy, to live is much harder, yet can prove to be the biggest adventure yet. People often wonder the meaning of life, I have discovered it my friends, and it is quite simple, deceptively so! Yet in its simplicity lies the truth of the universe its. To live, why we are born, is to live. Ah! Your disappointment is truly palpable but i lie not, for life is far too short for that. We are all here to have a experience, good, bad, it matters not. For each of us are a part of the universe, god, experiencing life through countless different lenses. There is no great mystery to why we are alive, it doesn’t matter how we got here, nor who created who. Because the past doesn’t exist, neither does the future. Both exist merely as our memories and plans/ideas of what we will do tomorrow. What does exist is now. Right this very moment, you are here. Take a deep breath and ground yourself. Be here now, because the present is all that matters and all that truly exists. Now off you go, off to experience new and exciting things, people and places. We are all the eyes of god, so find beauty for him.

#blog #mental illness #actually dissociative #thought provoking #existentialism #philosophical #new age

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astral-orphan · 1 year

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Times Change but Don't Really..

It is very difficult in today's era to have one's faith in humanity intact. Individually, humans can be understanding and caring on a one on one basis, but as soon as they are put in a group, herd mentality and fear take over and that is when atrocities are committed. This is human nature and it makes me wonder then why our ancestors thought instead of sticking to smaller nomadic family clusters that uniting as a civilization would be any better? Obviously for protection from the elements and predators but who is there to protect us from ourselves? The answer should be the law, the government.

But the hearts of man are easily corruptible it seems. Our government, be it Republican or Democrat led wants to maintain the status quo and collect as much lobbyist support and capital they can, to think they care at all about the original constitution or human rights anymore is laughable. As much as the evangelicists refuse to believe it, nature is wild and untamed.

For in many species, not just our own, there are discrepancies that deviate from the norm. Homosexuality being one of them, in many species it is seen, and we have been around since the dawn of man. Trans people shortly followed, neither of which are a new occurance or fad, perhaps more records of our early existance would've been known had it not been for ancient libraries being burnt down.

Fear and ignorance ruled our ancient ancestors as it does to this very day and witchunts continue unabated. Anything even slightly off societal-deemed center is feared and ridiculed. Autism, mental health, LGBT, birth defects, etc. In the past they were burned at the stake or thrown in dungeons for fear of contagion and even today similar actions are done. Ironic given that the strict oppressiveness and hypocrisy of our society is a major factor in creating some of the idiosyncrasies.

Our misguided, uninformed conservative neighbors are foolishly attempting the systemic oppression of a specific group of people that has been ongoing for centuries. First with the Indians, then the African Americans, then Mexicans, then gays and now the transgender communities. It seems our society doesn't really thrive unless we are at war abroad but also oppressing a small minority here at home too.

This attempted genocide will have rammifications on cishets (Non transgender, straight people) as well. It was never about protecting kids, did you really think the GOP ever cared about kids? Only until they are born so they have more voters and laborers to exploit so big bad China or Russia will not see us as weak and underpopulated. So in many states now they are going to attempt to ban hormone replacement therapy, which has alot of uses for non trans people too.

Men with low testosterone? Well you're gonna have to get used to that limp dick fella. Women with breast cancer? Well you were probably gonna have a abortion or miscarriage anyway and then they would've had to kill her anyway. Birth control? No honey, we are gonna force you to give birth to that bastard, even tho if you are in the south your relative is probably the father.

They think that if by cutting off gender affirming care from both kids and adults and in some states even preventing people from even saying gay or trans, that we will disappear? This won't happen, I grew up in the 90s, LGBT was still considered a dirty little secret and no one openly talked about it. Even before I learned that being transgender was a thing I knew I was different, I always felt I was born in the wrong body. No matter how I was or wasn't raised, nothing would've changed that.

Nor is it a mental illness, think about it, almost every mental illness, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, etc can be at least helped or lessened with medication and anti-psych meds. Because let's be honest, if they could make a medication that stops gender dysphoria they would have by now. Even if a transgender person is forced to not transition and be raised as the gender they were assigned at birth, and is not out, they are still transgender.

Does this make sense? It's classified as a mental disorder technically but further and recent studies show that brain scans of biological cis women and transgender women are similar and closer than to cis men that they were assigned as at birth. They have more feminine thought processes and vice versa for trans men.

You cannot forcibly convert trans people to be cis anymore than you can convert gay people to be straight. You can torture them and scare them into hiding it and pretending to be but they aren't actually converted. We are just born differently, similar to kids with autism, and none of which is a negative thing nor needs correcting.

Did you know you can look up the original hebrew of the bible, that is the closest you can get to what originally was written in it. Some claim it was written by god but in reality it was written by a few men in power to give hope to the serfs with the promise of a reward in the next life, to quell thoughts of rebellion. If you do take that original hebrew, and run it through a translator? That one has to take in account that it is lost in translation and roughly equates to lying down with a child/incestuous relationship with another male (https://blog.smu.edu/ot8317/2019/04/11/lost-in-translation-alternative-meaning-in-leviticus-1822/) not condeming homosexuality in general. Even if one is led to disregard all the mistranslations of the bible, then why didn't Jesus mention it? There WERE gay people in Jesus' days, you'd think he would've said something. "Um hey? You two lezzies scissoring over there? My dad doesn't really like that..?"

Why is it alot of conservatives who claim people are going to hell for being gay, yet commit many if not at least some of the 10 Commandments? Which are arguably and technically more severe of sins to commit than some obscure "sin" in the Old Testament, where even shaving or eating shrimp are considered as sins? How many Republicans have had affairs, sex outside of marriage, slept with thy neighbors wife? According to their own book, these are far more serious sins than "being gay".

Claiming someone is going to hell solely for being gay is just as ludicrous as saying you are going to hell for shaving your beard, or eating shrimp, or not selling your daughter off into slavery. Have you read the bible? Everything in the Old Testament is a sin, that's kinda why Jesus *hic* supposedly *hic came to earth, because we needed better rules to obey. Yet alot of Christians choose to ignore his teachings of loving your neighbor and treating foreigners like family. And if you know anything about the history of Christianity, they definietely weren't that worried about committing the 1st Commandment of "Thy Shall Not Kill".

What's even more curious is they use the bible, and their very rudamentary understanding of it, as a excuse to hurt people? Last I checked the US was NOT a theology, didn't the pilgrims flee Britain to escape religious persecution? My how history repeats itself. Any arguements of what the bible says are entirely irrelevant in terms of the law. YOU are welcome to have YOUR own opinions on if LGBT people, that is fine, but it becomes a issue when laws are created to discriminate and oppress a group of citizens who haven't done anything legally wrong.

Didn't our great great grandparents immigrate to the free world (which is no longer free or even a first world country anymore) under the promise of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Is that NOT what the constitution guarentees us as inalienable rights as United States citizens?! How then can any Republican, no matter how Southern and inbred, even attempt to condone these vile, repressive laws?

Putting aside religion for a second, which has greatly hindered and I dare even say caused our stagnation of our potential evolution as a species. Despite all this, all oppressed minorities, be they POC, LGBT, or other ethnicities rarely become jaded or vengeful due to their mistreatment. If anything it is the opposite in general. The of the kindest people I have ever meant were being oppressed by society in some way shape or form.

The future looks bleak, not just for LGBT people, but for humanity in general. Each day is a struggle not to sink into despair and our faith in our fellow man is hanging on by a hair. To avoid stress and prevent growing a tumor from anger, I no longer look at most news or events such as this, but sometimes it will still be visible on my TL.

I recommend taking each day one at a time and being thankful and grateful to be alive at all, shining in the radiance and uncertainty of the universe itself. Focus not on news and the negativity of society, and refuse to allow it to influence and poison our minds. Surround yourself with quality and like-minded individuals and keep your heart open to receive in nature's bounty. The future is uncertain, the past is dark, but all that matters to you is today.

#text #text post #blog #blogs #LGBT #pro lgbtq+#anti lgbt laws #rant #mini rant #not going anywhere

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astral-orphan · 1 year

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About a year ago I "started" writing a book. I only got the first chapter done. I had a vision for how it was gonna look and wanted it closer to realistic with a little fantasy elements..but I felt no inspiration to write it. I'd make excuses like I was in a writer's block, etc but in reality I feel I was trying to force this story to fit into this particular box when a story is a very organic thing. We as writers breathe life into it and it thrives and grows and evolves and when you try to force it to do something it doesn't want to you will run into resistance like I did. I was playing a western RPG that happened to be in a fantasy setting and I realized something. By trying to stick to realism and keeping it grounded in a real world setting was stifling my creativity and if I were to stop resisting and let the story go in the direction it wanted to (a more open, fantasy world), it would be alot easier to write it. Now I am full of inspiration and can't wait to get some free time to start working on it anew. So be sure not to set rigid outlines and end visions of your work and allow your creation to grow.

#text #author #writing #blog #blogs

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astral-orphan · 2 years

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Who you really are..

Nothing I am about to say is new, every word of everything I have ever and will ever say has and will be said in the past and future. There are no new ideas out there, what we perceive as "new" ideas are just slight alterations to existing ideas, same could be said for languages and religions. Every possible idea has already been thought of and the idea of any semblence of "originality" is laughable and a impossible dream. The same thing also applies to people, what we think is individuality is really just roughly 7 or 8 personality types that just cycles. So knowing this, how do we properly start to think on what makes us, us? How do we find our true selves? Are we even single, individual beings? Technically we are multicellular beings made up of millions of non-sentient bacteria, cells, etc that all work together as a system, it's crazy when you think about it. Oh that's your arm there? Is it really tho? within there are thousands of single celled lifeforms all working together to keep you alive. We literally are a universe with our own ecosystem and biosphere, our body is a living, biological mech that our brain is driving around. So that's who we are then argueably? A brain and nervous system piloting a skelton that is wearing a living meat suit? We as humans love to use labels to try to identify who we are, they can make us feel safe and are easy to attach our identity too. But we are so much more than that and should be careful on relying solely on labels to form an identity on. This becomes imediately twice as complicated if you are a system/plural as well. Because a normal, singular conciousness is broken up into many different ones. Who am I? Well I'm Roxas, there's Shy, and Elias, and...etc. So we get broken down even more. What is in a name tho? Do our roles within the sytem determine who we are? How about our careers or roles in the family? Oh your a father? That is a social role you fufil, not who you are. Are we what we perceive? What we see and feel and touch? Then we become nothing but a antenna for our senses, a collection of nerve impulses receiving electrical signals to the brain. The simplest answer I can give on who I am..isn't even accurate. Because I want to say, "I am my thoughts, my emotions." But I don't think that is right either.. Have you ever meditated? Just sat back and taken a look at your passing thoughts without focusing on them and becoming involved with them? It's almost like they are the thoughts of someone else..and emotions are also just passing by, just passengers on the highway of life, passing us by so we feel what we need to, to experience life and have a proper life experience. So are we our thoughts? Or are we our higher self, a perfected version of us, free of ego, being taken for a ride, a meat vehicle, driven by the ego, a emotional madman, and we are in the backseat, trying to guide the driver to calm down and observe..I feel that is who we truly are.

#text #thoughts #DID #did system #actually dissociative #actually did #blog #blogs

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astral-orphan · 2 years

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World War 3?

So I know I am a bit late on this, but like we didn't have enough to deal with, the cold war is apparently back on again? I was born in 1986 so I wasn't really around for the first cold war, so I don't really have a frame of reference for it. I know it should be a bit worrying, with the possibility of nuclear war happening with Putin and all but we couldn't really care less? Like obviously we don't want that to happen, but living with depression for as long as we have, if it happens it happens, no use worrying about it. That way we wouldn't have to worry about not having a 401k lol. I kid of course, but when you live as long as we have with suicide idealation, it's tough. Life is so short and there are so many things that can end life as we know it. No one is ever the villian in their own stories, each of us think we are the hero, doing what needs to be done for the sake of life and country. I'm sure Putin is no different in that aspect. I'm sure in other parallel realities/dimensions, that may have already happened even. It's def a feeling of powerlessness too, as I'm sure many Russians are feeling as well? It's not their fault Putin is in control, they never really got to vote him in, he's essentially a dictator. Any dissenting opinion usually becomes a terminal violation as well. Yet they have to deal with all these companies punishing the civillians in Russia rather than punishing Putin himself. It just seems extra cruel to me? That would be like if Trump tried to invade Canada or something when he were president. Most ppl didn't approve of him in the first place, let alone his actions. Tbh I feel that our government as a whole picks the President anyway, not our votes. The President is just a figurehead, not holding much power, and the powers that be already probably know who the next president will be. We as the American people have very little say in the matter. Also with witholding credit/debit services from Russia, we really are seeing just how fragile the systems are in digital banking systems, maybe we shouldn't rush to be a cash-less society just yet. Make no mistake tho, I do not condone what Putin is doing, he is seeking to re-establish the Soviet Union and that can't be allowed. We just have to be careful this doesn't spiral into a new war.

It seems we always have some sort of medical issues in the first quarter of the year. If it's not one thing it's another. Past few weeks for some reason we've been having alot of bad back pain, we are gonna be going to physical therapy this friday hopefully to get a handle on it too. I keep trying to do better for myself but how can I do that when literally everything is falling apart? First this goes wrong, then that, it's ridiculous. I know I need to start excecising again and try to eat healthier but I don't have the spoons to take care of all of this at once? I need my back better before I can start excercising. My doctor has been less than helpful about it too. It's so frustrating, I just want to get back to where I was, but I understand it takes a little time to heal. I just wish I knew what had happened in the first place to cause the pain. It is really triggering my hypochondria and that's never a good thing. *sighs*

#blog #politics #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #mental illness #depression #hypochondria #russia #putin

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astral-orphan · 2 years

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Life of a Hypochondriac

This is not the start to the new year we would've liked. If you are a superstitious person and think that what happens in Jan/Feb is a precursor to how the rest of the year will turn out, if that is true then I am doomed. I recently had my grandfather die finally, I say finally because he has been battling Alzheimer's disease for over 13 years, and while it is sad that he is now gone, at least he isn't suffering any longer. It's a terrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. On top of that I have been very stressed lately and as the title suggests, my hypochondria has been through the roof lately.

Hypochondria sucks, it's like..you don't wish something is wrong with you, but you deeply think and feel like something is wrong and no matter how many times you try to explain/convey your physical symptoms that you are feeling something wrong but no one ever listens to me. I was diagnosed with Somatoform disorder too. That is a mental health condition that causes an individual to experience physical bodily symptoms in response to psychological distress. So that means that my hypochondria is so strong, it can cause physical sensations/pains in my body that is not medically backed up by science. Believe me, I have had so many tests taken/done and they never can find anything wrong with me. So my chronic hypochondria can manifest physical symptoms/pain..and that's really scary in the moment. I have a mantra that I keep having to repeat to myself 'I am fine, I am ok." that I repeat to myself when it's bad.

I've been having dizzy spells lately which has really been scaring me, and now knowing that I do have somatoform disorder, it's hard to tell if it's a real symptom with a real cause or if it's just the disorder popping up. I realize I must be a huge pain for my doctor..and I am thankful that I have medicaid so it doesn't cost much out of pocket, but I try not to use up resources/waste people's time when I can by judging if what I'm experiencing is real or not. I have to try to repeat my mantra to fight the urge to go to the emergency room, as I'm pretty certain that they wouldn't find anything anyway.

It's exhausting though, it's always a constant battle with my mind. The others try to help, but switching (when another alter takes over) doesn't really help because I (Roxas) do typically front (pilot) the most and even if someone else fronts, I'm still in the background and my fear basically is so strong it will spread to the others. My mind when I get like this is like a toxin..and I have been on and off of so many different medications to try to deal with it through the years. Most "as needed" panic meds knock us out and we can't use that for when we are at work.

This has devolved a bit into a ramble more than an organized written blog and I do apologize.

#blog #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #mental illness #hypochondria #anxiety #somatoform disorder

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astral-orphan · 2 years

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Most Commercialized Time of the Year

It is time, when the dark creeps. The darker months, when friends and family gather round the fire, to seek protection from the encroaching dark and cold. What once was Yule, a pagan tradition, has since been bastardized and commercialized as “Christmas”. Thanks to Christians and their endless crusade to convert over pagans to their (at the time) new religion. Personally, I don’t care for any Abrahamic religion. I grew up Catholic, had it shoved down my throat all my young life. That aside though, I do still enjoy the holidays.

It’s the childhood nostalgia for me. It gives you warm, fuzzy feelings inside when you think back to that early childhood when you didn’t have to worry about bills, taxes, a job and had no responsibilities. When we were still so full of hopes and dreams and our little hearts were so fresh and unknowing of the harsh reality of the world. So we as a people cling to long standing, family traditions in a vain attempt to recapture that pure, innocent feeling of Christmases long long ago.

So bring in that pagan pine tree and decorate it’s corpse and prop it up in the living room! Right up in front of the bay windows so the neighbors can see how well off we are! Drink your merry drinks and celebrate the not historically accurate time of baby Jesus’ “birth”. Bring on the corporate greed! Max out those credit cards! Spend spend all your money and more! Personally, as I’ve grown older, I have come to realize, material goods come and go, but memories never tarnish. Spending time with loved ones, making new memories, laughing at old ones is what’s important.

It’s very sad that my memory has deteriorated to such a degree thanks to long term depression/mental illness. It’s so bizzare, it feels like amnesia to be honest. I always see amnesia used as a plot convenience here and there and it’s relateable. Obviously I know who I am, where I work, the basics. However memories from childhood are few and far between. Even from a few years ago, it all almost blends together now. We cling to what memories we do remember, even if they are seen through rose-tinted glasses.

We have a few little/kid alters, of varying ages. Aela, Shyanne and Isura. We have made sure to buy them some toys and wrapped them up “from Santa” for them. Why should we crush their dreams, we feel we should nurture them, not to pressure them to “grow up”. Their innocence and youth is a gift and helps us see the world through a child’s eyes at times. Because of them, and as I said, nostalgia, we participate in the annual holiday buying bonanza. Oh yeah, annual reminder to never donate to the Salvation Army. They refuse to help LGBT people in need and are incredibly biased. I will end it here as I don’t want to rant anymore than I already have. Have a safe holiday for those that do participate. Happy Yule!

#blog #blogs #christmas #xmas #mental illness #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #alters

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astral-orphan · 2 years

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Cognitive Dissonance?

I read a theory/belief some new age spiritualists share that got my brain juices flowing. They like to see it as we are of two halves. Our ego is our baser self. I am concious, I am me! I am an individual. Our higher self is our subconcious, our more divine being. Our higher conciousness is trying to drive/steer our ego-driven selves in the right direction for our soul’s betterment. Towards our purpose in life. The higher conciousness isn’t in direct control, our ego is, it communicates via the subconciousness and trying to send messages to us via like deja vu, etc. This resonated with me, because I feel this way. Be it a side effect of us being plural/a system, or maybe for another, unbeknownst reason.

It’s that certain feeling when you dissociate, everyone dissociates at least a little bit. The common example is when you zone out while driving, yet get to your destination safely, but have little memory of being actively aware during the drive. It’s like that for us but more often. “Get in the giant robot Shinji!” It feels like we are struggling to drive this meat suit body, that will act on auto-pilot if we fail to concentrate and “drive” it. We don’t “switch” personalities very often, I (Roxas) am the ‘host’ and “drive” the most. But sometimes, when I focus, it feels almost like I am not the body itself, I am a seperate entity, giving directions to this autonomous, meat body who would act on baser impulse if not “driven” constantly. Ever catch yourself going into a room or just staring at the open fridge, with no recollection of why you went there? Almost like on instinct/autonomously.

I don’t know if I am properly expressing/describing their beliefs about our ego and our higher selfs. We need to realize that we are all connected and reduce our egos, to be closer in touch to our higher selves, but I am not here to preach to anyone. We all walk different paths and that is the point. Perhaps another blog entry I will go into more spiritual stuff, as I am learning alot. But I feel like we drastically change in different stages of our lives, who we once were years ago, are dead. Totally different than who we now are, we are still constantly evolving and growing. And in some cases, unfortunately, de-evolving. Perhaps at the end of this life, we will hit the eject button and get to drive a whole new entity/body. Maybe, but in the meantime, we got to keep on trucking.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #new age spirituality #ego death #spritualawakening #spiritual awakening #mental illness #blogs #blog

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