#yes the tags are overloaded i am self aware

[ughscara]

THE COLUMBINA THEME/?!?!?>!>D QWJDKWBQQ OH MY GOSHHHHH IM BKFBEFE I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE A BINA FAN AHHHH YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE TASTE AS ALWAYS... it is so so pretty i am eating it up... i am going to miss Kuni with the otter but this is just *chef's kiss* (i also hope you are doing well, your reblog made me 🥹❤️❤️❤️)

AND YESSS THE KUNI BDAY ART ARGHHH,, i can just imagine reader being a few possibilities with him... 😭 either you're the one who tagged along with him to the House of Daena just to see what he's up to all the time but then your brain just dying (like Paimon 😭) from all the long texts overload (me tbh). And Kuni would be rolling his eyes at your dramatic self and be all like i told you so... 🙄 Or you're just peacefully reading those long books and your lover is just like... huh. I know he'd scoff and mumble under his breath but he'd drape some of his clothes over you if you fell asleep... ❤️ (ignoring the presence of his sort-of admirers on the other side of the room)

(this was all over the place and probably very messy but it just came to me ❤️ luv you!!)

AAA SUZU !! 🩷🩷

thank you thank you thank you!!! omg i am figuratively kicking my feet and literally smiling so big rn okay — first and foremost, YES (⁠つ⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)⁠つ i am a 'bina fan since the day she showed up in the winter night's lazzo trailer~ as for kuni and his little otter buddy, don't you worry my dear mutual; here's the screenshot for your perusal alongside another one <3 ( as for me doing well, i am indeed doing well! i hope you are too dear 🩷 )

now that you presented me with his second mini illustration.......... i have brainrot to share in correspondence to yours ( LISTEN my brain is always cooking i'm not sorry )

when i was just inspecting every little thing about his second mini illustration and literally giggling at how cute it was and all — it kinda threw me back to the time i first thought about my academic rivals + roommates concept with kuni .. but now that you presented me with your side of the brainrot which thank you btw it's so *chefs kiss and totes adorbs*

so here's to another episode of 'yame and suzu cooking kuni brainrot ~

“what even...?”

you uttered under your breath, a book in hand as your eyes continued to skim through a lengthy page after another. honestly, you're skipping through almost everything you read through — some part of you admiring the amurata darshan for being able to understand all of this. maybe you should have listened to your lover's recommendation and read something else.

curious, you eye him from the side to see how he's faring. of course, you were aware that this wasn't as much of an issue to him as it was to you, and you envy the ease he found in being able to read through his share of research without complaints.

the wanderer's eyes were quick to meet yours, and he was just as quick in raising a brow at you in what you presumed to be curiosity on his end as well. but that wasn't the case...

“having difficulty?” he murmured with a subtle smirk of amusement. he was aware, not when the confusion practically clouded the light of curiosity in your eyes. yet you affirmed anyways. “i won't shy away from admitting that i am ‘having difficulty.’” you parroted his words with a little smile, deciding it's best for you to just put the book down. you could hear him chuckle a bit dryly at your affirmation, uttering a barely audible ‘i told you so’ only for you to hear. the amusement that adorned his face softened a bit as he heard you hum in response.

“actually — love, can you pass me the book you recommend at first?” the moment he heard that endearment, a rush of warmth rose up to his porcelain cheeks as he hung his head slightly lower to allow his hair do the covering for him. “mhm.” the wanderer hummed in response whilst reaching over to said book next to the small box you brought with you for him. his pinky finger coming into contact with the ocean blue colored gift box for a moment before he took the book and passed to you all the while avoiding your gaze.

with a simple thank you on your end, the area fell silent once more. just the distant sound of students coming and going, chatting about their deadlines or some who were studying in solitude. it's a kind of quiet that allowed you to focus in a way, especially while the wanderer remained by your side; it felt ideal. staying alone together in his favorite corner in the house of daena.

surprise surprise, what he ended up recommending you wasn't a book. but a collection of research papers from the vahumana darshan — researches trying to pinpoint the mystery behind tatarasuna's sabotagement, researches investigating the ancient civilization of the sumeru desert... it felt like skimming through a collection of reports. you gave him a threat-less glare upon seeing that accomplished smirk on his face. but you digress.

you spotted a familiar handwriting shortly after however, his handwriting, and you were quick to begin reading the first research paper simply and straightforwardly titled ‘societal issues in inazuma.’ it was the commentary he mentioned he wrote out of boredom while he was occupied with cooking lunch for you. a smile crept up to your lips at the resurgence of the memory.

that style... how much of a reliable yet unreliable narrator could he be? certainly the former when it came to discussing anything regarding what was once his homeland. and you adored every word spoken in this research paper. sure, it was harsh at some points, but that was just how your wanderer was; straightforward and to the point. hence the reason you felt such immense joy reading the commentary he wrote.

this time around, it was his turn to eye you from the side. indifference fading into a very slight surprise as he saw you smiling whilst reading his research paper, but he paid it no mind. at least you were having some form of fun like you usually tend to.

a while would pass, the once distant sounds of the students became more and more prominent as at long last, he finished the forsaken paper he was writing. and from the corners of his eyes; the wanderer spotted your left forearm on the table. naturally, he was quick to turn to face you and be greeted with your arms on the table and resting your head on your arms, the research papers you read neatly yet messily set aside... sleeping here of all places?

“idiot,” he mumbled whilst getting up from his seat, carefully not making a sound as to not disturb your peace. “this is exactly why i told you to stay home.”

but even then, as he complained to your sleeping self with his ‘i told you so’s, he didn't hesitate in slowly taking his white haori and gently draping it over your sleeping figure, watching you as you breathed in and out softly. and for a moment, he stood there; simply watching you. his anemo vision that now hung over your shoulder began to shine and dim at a familiar rhythm that resembled the same sweet melody he'd sleep to in your shared home, the sight allowed for a subtle smile to adorn his face that if one were to look closely, would be greeted with a softness that'd seem uncharacteristic.

whispers could be heard from behind him, the contentment and softness dissipated in an instant as he shot a glare to those students whispering behind his back, and that was enough to have them scurry away to someplace else.

a sigh escaped the wanderer's lips afterwards as he turned to look at you again. perhaps he'll let you have your little nap whilst finishing up the second thesis he had.

yes, that's a decent enough excuse to have you stay by his side for a little longer.

OMG please don't worry about the ask being messy or all over the place, seeing you here genuinely brought a smile to my face! ( what a delight to wake up to too 🤭 ) and of course, love you too friend! 🩷🩷 remember to take care, stay safe and i wish you a wonderful and kind day ~

#( ❀ ) ── passerby. #( ❀ ) ── over tea with; smooches. #shit ayame when you said you were gonna cook .. #seriously though — THIS !! SUZU YOUR BRAIN IS SUCH A GENIUS I'LL KISS BOTH OF YOU ( platonically ) #scenarios like this have my whole heart :(( combine such scenarios with we all know who and you /know/ i've melted into a puddle #minimal tags because i poured my heart out this time 🤭

[heterochromicnachos]

Serious post, please respond appropriately and respectfully in comments, tags, and reblogs.

The treatment of autistic people on the internet and autism in general is something that has been bugging me for months, and I am entirely disgusted with how people treat them.

Important things to know

Autism is something you are born with, and is not something that develops. It is not a disease, a virus, or anything contagious. It cannot be corrected, as there is nothing to correct. The development happens in the womb, and it is not the parent’s fault that their child is autistic. Main point, it CANNOT. CAN. NOT. be caused by vaccines.

Autism is a spectrum. Autistic people are like snowflakes, as no two are alike. Each autistic person is unique in their own way.

Autistic people can experience sensory overloads, where they are so overwhelmed that they shut down. How they shut down varies. This can occur in going nonverbal, having a meltdown, and much more.

Autistic people are not always disabled or unable to speak. Remember, autism is a spectrum. The people with the abilities to talk and speak are referred to as a high-functioning Autistic. The people who have difficulties with the previously mentioned things are not high functioning, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t autistic.

Now. Let’s talk about why this post exists.

It has recently come to my attention that a tiktok account is posting their daughter’s breakdowns to the platform. You heard me correctly, they are putting their child’s sensory overloads and vulnerable moments ONLINE. and they are essentially painting their child as a bad kid, when in reality they’re just autistic.

One such TikTok occurs on a Christmas, from the looks of it. The captions claim the child is upset because they didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas. While yes, that can warrant a meltdown, it’s a difference from a breakdown. Thw mother is sitting and recording this while the father antagonizes the child, taunting them. The child then goes to start hitting the adult, which causes them to THROW the child into the couch, from where the child begins to violently hurt themselves.

This is not the effect of an unruly child. This is the effect of a child being overwhelmed to the point of not understanding what’s happening anymore and is trying to take out their emotions in any way possible. And the reactions of the parents, recording a child SELF HARMING HERSELF and did NOTHING. I am genuinely livid, and I have the overwhelming urge to find that child’s parents and literally beat sense into them. (I will not act upon this urge, however.)

Upon further investigation of the video, every single adult present is recording this child having an overstimulated breakdown, and no one is doing anything to help. This isn’t dealing with an unruly child, this is borderline ABUSE.

These videos aren’t spreading awareness, they are demonizing their child and their mental difference all for the purpose of clout.

The next topic is the use of autism as an insult and a slur.

People have begun use the phrase “autistic” to essentially the same effect as the word “retarded.” They believe they can use a word to entirely make an opponent’s argument crumble because “they don’t know what they’re saying, they’re stupid.”

It pisses me off that people think this is okay. But the minute I make fun of someone’s depression to the same effect achieved with the “autistic” argument, I’m suddenly the bad guy. Yes, making fun of their depression is not nice, but the fact that making fun of someone’s autism is perfectly fine makes me want to scream.

Finally, the representation of autism in media and online.

Autism is basically the laughingstock of mental differences. People use it as an excuse to not get vaccinated. (Even I, with a severe fear of needles to the point of growing faint thinking about them, has to get vaccinated. We are attempting to find a way to get me vaccinated anyway) They use it to make others irrelevant, and they use it to make the younger generations look stupid, claiming it didn’t exist until we made it up.

Autism has continued to get a bad rep, and I needed to get all of this information into the world. The more people know about this mental difference, the better we can help he children with autism.

Thank you for reading.

#nacho talks #text post #dump #autism #autism spectrum disorder #autism awareness #spreading autism awareness #autistic community #i needed to say this

[eulbkrad]

Another year. Another year avoiding FB. It feels like hiding 😶‍🌫️ It maybe 🤔 un-admitted shame of not doing enough but just venting.

If you are reading this, I choose to share with you.

But I didn’t. I choose to share with void. With someone who just simply stumbles accidentally because of tags 🏷️, or g-d knows what else .

Today I no longer can separate acceptance from giving up. But I don’t want to leave room for any misinterpretations on what “giving up” means here. It is damn hard to explain it on paper with clarity when you’re out of practice. And yes - I don’t want silent 🤫 judgement or words of encouragement. So I’m back here, in my safe place, on tumblr.

I always hold high hopes that for M to succeed just enough awareness and acceptance needs to be in place with a slight addition of support; far from what he is getting at school. That I can’t give up.

Self-talk anywhere and everywhere for no reason and to self-soothe

No attempts to make friends or to keep the ones who reach out

* Recording subway 🚇 tunnels

* Watching 2hr long videos of subway tunnels

* K-5 level cartoons

* RTVi along but resistance to learn Russian

* Talking pretend Russian to people who don’t speak 🗣️ a word of the language

* Visits to Times sq to record trailers available on YouTube for months

I used to try to redirect or mask 😷 (big negative word in ASD community that seems to me extremely self-indulgent, coming from people who don’t deal with complexities of being adult on a lower end of the spectrum). I tried to tap into whatever inappropriate and give it a spin that would bring it closer into fitting into what in foreseeable future will be societal norms.

I accepted defeat and just let it be. Sometimes it backfires badly in public and otherwise; most of the times it’s ignored if noticed. Of course, I can’t ignore it. Sheer for the fact for needing to be alert 🚨 enough to step in when it hints danger ⚠️ levels or awkwardness overload. Like with the rest of this quirky and unpredictable life, the unpleasant reality became mundane and normal. Well… MY normal. I can’t ask anyone to subscribe to it because once in blue moon 🌖, I get a day of respite into the actual normalcy and it still hurts to return into the ASD routine. Not like a bleeding 🩸 hurt more like a paper 📄 scratch that takes annoyingly few days to heal.

I almost gave up on

* not having a conversation that hasn’t been played out gazillion times already

* having hard time between picking favorite, even when it is obvious (like picking cake 🍰 over sandwich 🥪)

* Mistaken pronouns (I am not MY mom but YOURS) and preposition (the cup NOT at the table; it is ON the table)

* And general silliness of your sentence structure and thought 💭 expression

* …

I started this post yesterday after a long day of brewing thoughts 💭 of what and where to write ✍️. It’s 5:30 am and M already woken up ⬆️ like he always does regardless whether it’s a school day or a weekend. I should’ve done soooo many things yesterday but I chose to write until I crashed into sleep 😴

it’s April 2. I write every year on Apr 2. It is silly as I don’t quite believe in traditions. But in a similar vein as I can’t forgo Christmas tree🎄for New Year, I can’t skip ⏭️ and not post today. On the eve of Apr 2 I’m reflecting more than any other day. Again I’m reflecting on acceptance: personal and general. Nobody forces me to write. And yet I hold some slight hope that this is something that someone needs / needed to read. Exactly as I wrote TODAY (which for all I know might not be even the day or month or year). I read so many encouraging posts and they helped. I read so many despot cries and they help. This one is neither. But, if you read thru the end and now feel a feather 🪶-bit lighter, I’m glad for both of us. Hugs 🫂

P.S. dedicated to the lack of regular emojis bank 🏦 -lol… I used to ace social stories with pictures. I thought 💭 that in 14 years the options for OOTB emojis would expand a lot, given the number of spectrum folks and their supporters in the industry. Oh well… here is to another ten 🔟 years 🥂

🔵🟦 🌀 🗣️ 🖌️ for Ⓜ️ 🩵🌐💙

(In all seriousness, social stories what helped a lot us with transition and training for public events. Do that. It’ll be the easiest thing today you’ve done ✅ to help yourself and your kid. )

#myasdmymmg #asd #asd mom #asd parent #asd dad #autism acceptance #autismawareness #autism #april #autism awareness #life

[lesetoilesfous]

I can’t decide if I want “sensory overload” or “on a leash” for Fenris and Fenders, so um, whichever sparks your interest please!

Oh my gosh I had too much fun with this. And "on a leash" gives me a bingo, thank you so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@badthingshappenbingo

Fandom: Dragon Age 2

Prompt: On A Leash

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Slavery, Brainwashing, Mindwipe, Implied Sexual Abuse, Attempted Prositution, Graphic Depiction of Injury

Pairing: Fenders

Characters: Fenris, Anders, Isabela, Varric Tethras, Merrill

Additional Tags: Angst with a Bittersweet Ending, Hurt/Comfort (mostly), Evil/Red Hawke, post-canon, what if Hawke sold Fenris back to Danarius and then the gang went and saved him

Anders knew it was going to be bad. He was - had been - blinded by his own ignorance and pain in the past, too busy trying to scream loud enough to get people to stop ignoring the people murdering children to listen to anyone else. He’d been young and single minded and irrational, and then older and bitter and furious with a terrible, poisonous kind of pain that made it hard to see the world around him. But he wasn’t naive. He’d spent ten years nursing criminals and refugees. Before that, he’d spent nearly a decade in the Grey Wardens, with former slaves and blood mages and Dalish hunters and Antivan crows. Anders had not been naive since he’d first drunk from the Joining Chalice.

Still.

It’s almost impossible to see in the placid, polite, half-naked man the proud warrior he’d once known. Fenris’ hair has been shaved close to his head, a fuzz of powdered snow that’s bright as the moon against his brown skin. There’s a thick, silver collar hanging around his neck, and in it the reflections of his lyrium tattoos twist and shine like mercury. His chest is mostly bare, and thin white linen is wrapped in a loose skirt around his waist. His body is sculpted and unmarred and beautiful, and Anders does not for a moment believe that it means he has not suffered pain. His wide, green eyes no longer hold any of the intelligence, or humour, or fury that Anders had once fallen in love with. Instead he stares, docile, into the middle distance. A greatsword is slung on a strap of leather over his back, but like this Fenris looks no more capable of wielding it than a kitten. Again, Anders knows better than to trust in appearances.

Attached to the collar is a long, silver chain that ends in a black loop of leather. There are runes stitched into the leather in silver thread, though Anders cannot see what they are from where he’s sitting. Opposite him, relaxed, fingers hooked in the loop of Fenris’ leash, Danarius studies him with open curiosity.

Anders tries very hard not to vomit.

“So, you’re a Spirit Healer?”

Anders ducks his head, feeling his fingers beginning to shake and fighting hard to resist the urge to fidget. There’s a clocktower visible through the white marble arches of this balcony. He only has to last until the hour. Five minutes. He can do this. He tries very hard not to look at Fenris, or the way Danarius’ thumb is stroking possessively over the handle of his leash.

“I - I am, yes. I showed a talent for it when I was young.” Anders twists his hand in the air, summoning a wisp without catching his breath, and Danarius gives him the same indulgent, condescending schoolteacher kind of smile that Uldred used to offer before he beat you. Anders snaps his fingers, and the wisp returns to the Fade. At the back of his mind, Justice shifts uneasily, trying hard to resist his own urge to set the whole blighted mansion on fire. Anders tries to ignore the heat racing up the back of his neck and into his cheeks, and clears his throat. “I, uh, heard you were looking for apprentices?”

He can’t help the nervous tic that has him looking up, again, at Fenris as the lithe strength of his muscles. Again, he looks into those green eyes, searching for the spark of defiance that had drawn him so close so many years ago, like a moth to a flame worth dying for. “I’ve read your work an anatomical augmentation. It’s...fascinating.” Horrifying, he means. Anders had read the essays, in preparation for this. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop having the nightmares. Not least the ones which superimpose Fenris’ face and body over the all too familiar anatomical sketches of Elven Subject 003.

Danarius twitches his hand with a tinkle of the chain like the ringing of a bell, and to Anders’ horror Fenris folds onto his hands and knees in one fluid motion to kneel beside Danarius’ feet. No emotion passes across Fenris’ face. Danarius runs his fingers over the fuzz of Fenris’ shaved head, and Fenris shuts his eyes in open, simple pleasure and Anders nearly throws up. Danarius runs his fingers down the back of Fenris’ neck, squeezing the back of it posssessively before looking up at Anders’ with a terribly possessive gleam in his clear grey eyes. “You’re a fan of my little wolf, then.”

Anders swallows the bile in his throat and stares at the clocktower. Three minutes. He can do this. Sweat tickles down his spine beneath the loose Tevene linen robe he’d bought for this occasion. He resists the urge to fuss with his hair, braided out of the way of his neck and ears in a fashionable Minrathous style. He forces himself to incline his chin. “Y-yes. Among other p-things. Among other things.”

Danarius chuckles, sitting back with a creak of his wicker chair, the crushed purple silk cushions huffing behind him as he moves. “Why so nervous?” Anders forces himself to huff a self deprecating laugh. “You knew him, didn’t you. In Kirkwall.” Anders’ jagged, insincere smile stiffens on his lips and Danarius laughs, moving forward to press both hands onto Fenris’ bare shoulders. Fenris shudders and looks up at him, eyes wide as a child’s. Danarius caresses the back of his head, and leans down to murmur intimately close to his ear, still loud enough for Anders to hear. “Do you recognise him, little wolf? Do you know who this is?”

For the first time since Anders had arrived at Danarius’ damn mansion, Fenris’ expression shows a flicker of emotion. Confusion flickers across his brow in a brief wrinkle followed by sudden, mute fear that freezes his expression with stiff tension when Danarius slips his fingers beneath Fenris’ collar and shakes him, gently. (Like a dog, Anders thinks, and imagines what setting this man on fire would smell like.) Danarius laughs, polite and performative. “How rude, Fenris! This man has come all the way from Kirkwall just to see you! Go on, thank him.”

Fenris hesitates for a millisecond, and Danarius sets a sandaled foot on his shoulder and kicks him forward hard enough that he chokes, briefly, as the leash goes taut and pulls on the collar around his neck. Anders sits forward without thinking, the muscle memory of ten years spent protecting this man’s life before Garrett Hawke ruined them both taking over any conscious thought of deception. Danarius doesn’t remark on him giving himself away - Anders is well aware that that game is long since given up.

Instead, the magister sits back, adjusting his grip on the handle of Fenris’ leash as Fenris sits up with tears of pain bright in his eyes, his fingers moving to dip beneath the skirt of Anders’ robes as he lowers his head towards Anders’ lap.

Anders has about three seconds to look up at Danarius and see the perverse glee in the old man’s eyes before Fenris' mouth bumps his cock through the fabric of his robes and his smalls, and suddenly Anders is two years younger on his back in The Hanged Man with his hands buried deep in silver hair thinking hopelessly that he’s fallen in love again.

Then he’s touching Fenris - ignoring the lightning bolt of rage that twists Danarius’ face as he does so, and gently pushing him away. Fenris looks up at him with an expression of quickly stifled terror, and Anders’ heart shatters. “No, no, it’s alright, it’s not you.” His fingers squeeze, reflexively, against the warm, smooth skin of Fenris’ biceps. “It’s going to be ok. I promise, love.” Again, a flicker of confusion wrinkles Fenris’ brow.

The clocktower strikes twelve. As the bells ring throughout the city, Anders becomes abruptly aware of the street below them: the sound of hawkers and tourists, the shouting of slaves and soft music of minstrels. Danarius is staring at him with a sneer twisting his thin lips blue. Anders gives him a wide, open smile. “Well, since we’ve given up on pretenses.” Then he punches Danarius in the face, harder than he's punched anyone since he escaped Kinloch Hold, relishing the way the man’s nose buckles beneath his fist.

He has a heartbeat to think, Nice job bleeding a Blood Mage, idiot, before Danarius’ blue-veined hand is curling into a rigid claw, and Anders’ body is lifting off the ground, his limbs contorting behind him in an agonising rictus that rips his left arm out of its socket and twists his ankle until it cracks.

Then there’s a thunderous BOOM that rumbles through the building, shaking plaster dust from the painted canopy over their heads, and the balcony on which they’re standing begins to list like a ship at sea. Danarius loses concentration on the spell, and Anders falls to the ground. He doesn’t take the time to breathe through the white hot splinter of pain in his ankle. He grabs the leash and pulls fire into his hands until his fingers are blistering and melts the metal until it breaks. Then he turns to Fenris.

Fenris, who has drawn his greatsword. Anders stares at him, and thinks about sitting with him beside a fireplace, sleepy and soft with wine, and stroking his hair as Fenris admitted that of all the things he feared, one of the ones that terrified him most was killing his friends. The building lists with a grinding rumble like a broken bone beneath a qunari sten, and amphorae and flower pots go flying across the tiled floor, hitting the building across the street in fireworks of soil and clay dust.

Anders’ bad ankle slips on the tiles and he grunts and turns it into a smile, and meets Fenris’ eyes. “No matter what, I want you to know that I forgive you.”

Then he runs forward and tackles Fenris, throwing them both off the side of the balcony. Behind them, Danarius screams, and Anders calls up a shield around them both that materialises a hair’s breadth away from the clinging red vines of Danarius' magic.

It’s only when they’re airborne that Anders registers the blade skewered through his chest.

He breathes, and salt and copper splatter against his lips and tongue. For a moment, in the golden, multicoloured kaleidoscope of sky and street, suspended in the air in a terrible embrace, everything is quiet. Fenris frowns at him, and blinks, and his green eyes flood suddenly with recognition and grief as he looks down at the sword hilt between them, intimate as a lover’s embrace. “Anders.”

Anders grins at him, and thinks he isn’t crying because of the pain, his tears rising behind him as they fall like backwards rain. He cradles Fenris’ head in his hand, and wraps his arms around his shoulders, and chokes as his organs shudder against the blade attempting to split him in two, and he feels Justice’s presence building in his mind like lightning in a thundercloud. “Be right back.”

*

What happens next returns to Anders in snatches of lucidity. Justice takes over, and draws the fade around them like a cloak as they fall through the wall of the building across the street like a comet. Fenris is unharmed and panicking, covered in Anders’ blood, his white linen skirt pink and red with it, the damn collar still locked around his neck. Justice had drawn the sword out of their chest and filled the wound with a magic simulacra of the blood vessels, muscles, organs and nervous system that needed to be there, in the way he had once reconstructed Kristoff’s corpse. (Both of them had quailed, at that comparison, but neither had time to linger on it.)

The building they’d fallen into was, of course, riddled with magisters, but before Justice could exorcise his frustration with a little smiting, all three men and women were dead with a bolt to the back of the head. Isabela appeared from the shadows in a puff of smoke like a mage herself, and Varric waved at them to follow him onto a waiting carriage. Merrill barely waited for them to get on board before she snapped the reins, and they bolted into the panicking crowds, most of whom were running to get away from the collapsing mansion.

In the carriage, consciousness had begun to make its slippery way out of Justice’s hands like a wriggling fish. Both of them had registered Fenris’ wide-eyed panic: the way he’d stared at their old friends with no hint of recognition, and held Anders’ arm so tightly it would bruise. But at that point, the blood loss had overcome them both, and they had passed out to Fenris shouting Tevene interspersed with Anders’ name, and Isabela trying to understand why.

*

Two years after Garrett Hawke sells him back into slavery, Anders, Isabela, Varric and Merrill free Fenris from Danarius’ service. They don’t go back to Kirkwall - all of them are too conscious of the so-called Champion’s stomping grounds to trust those streets. But Isabela has a contact in the Antivan Crows (or formerly of them - it’s complicated), so instead they go to Antiva City. Two days later, Anders wakes up.

Fenris is staring at him, wearing real clothes that seem to sit uncomfortably on his shoulders. His collar is gone, and there’s a small frown on his brow - a lifting of his eyebrows towards the bridge of his nose that he always used to wear when he was puzzling over particularly cramped handwriting (or, later into his studies, when he was attempting to accurately interpret and summarise abstract Qunari poetry). Anders breathes, and his chest sets itself on fire, and he groans and lets his head fall back against the richly perfumed pillow behind his head. It does relatively little to drown out the thick stench of hot leather that is as thick in the air as molasses.

Fenris startles when he moves, and stands, moving to the door. Anders frowns at him, turning his head to one side with all the energy he can muster. “Where’r’you’goin’?”

Fenris hesitates, turning back to him before lowering his gaze to stare at his still bare feet. There are new scars there, Anders registers, sadly, in neat white bands around his ankles. “I thought I’d fetch the mistress.”

Anders snorts, “Have you told her you’re calling her that?” He tries again to force himself to sit up, and Fenris starts forward, hands freezing in the air between them. His fingernails are neatly, perfectly filed and it ruins Anders’ tentatively building appetite.

“You really shouldn’t be moving.”

Anders grins, trying to ignore the sweat running down his temples as pain racks through every muscle in his body. “Why? Worried I’m going to split in two?” Fenris grimaces, and Anders grunts, giving up and collapsing to the bed with a thunderbolt of pain. “OW. Sorry. Bad joke.” There’s a rustle of fabric, and when Anders is able to stop seeing stars, he turns to find Fenris on his knees beside the bed, head lowered, hands palm up in front of him. “What in the name of Andraste’s perfect silky knickers are you doing?” Anders asks as if he doesn’t know. He thinks it’s going to be easier not to take this seriously, at first. At least whilst he recovers from the mortal injury.

Fenris flinches, and Anders regrets his bad attempt at humour, feeling Justice rumbling in the back of his head like a bowel movement. “Sorry, sorry. Look, Fenris, I’m not going to...punish you, or fuck you, or whatever it is you think I’m going to do to you. I actually have a very busy day planned of, uh, staring at that crack on the ceiling and pretending it doesn’t hurt when I breathe. Or speak. Fuck. I talk too much. I need to - ow - work on that.”

For a long moment, Fenris says nothing. Outside, there’s the sound of someone playing violin in the street, and the rich, warm sound of Antivan spoken loudly and with laughter. Now that he’s acclimatising to the leather, Anders thinks he can smell cured meat frying, and he’s beginning to reconsider his aborted appetite. He’s trying so hard to see if he can actually hear the sizzling of street food that he almost doesn’t hear Fenris’ voice when he speaks, barely above a whisper. “Why?”

“Because I love you.” Anders responds, more muscle memory than conscious - hey he doesn’t remember anything about you maybe we should start slowly - thought. Fenris stares at him, eyes wide, though his mouth twists in apprehension before he smooths it back into impassivity.

“Domine - My master loves me.”

Anders sighs, falling back in the bed to stare up at the crack in the ceiling and try to ignore the hot-cold flushes of pain rocking up through his body. “You don’t remember anything about me, so I’m not going to take that personally.”

Fenris is very still. “You do not...like him?”

Anders chuckles, and regrets it when his tattered organs throw a violent protest. “What gave that away.”

“You broke his nose.” Fenris says, solemnly, and Anders does laugh then, so hard he thinks it splits something open, and he finds himself clutching at his side in the sudden fear that his organs are going to fall out. When he can breathe again, he coughs on his dry mouth and shifts his gaze to Fenris, who’s watching him with wide eyes and the curl of a smile at the corner of his lips which Anders doesn’t think he knows he’s doing.

Anders’ gaze falls to a pewter jug of water on the bedside table and a wooden cup beside it. It may as well be in the Nocen sea, for all the nauseating pain running through him.

“Would you please pour me a glass of water?”

Fenris immediately hurries to obey with a soft, stifled sigh of something terribly like relief. He offers Anders the cup, and when Anders’ shaking, sweating fingers slip on the wood his hand comes up to cup the back of Anders’ head whilst the other pours the cup against his lips. The feeling of Fenris’ fingers in his hair, after so many years, holding him like this, is almost too much for Anders to bear. He keeps his eyes shut for a long time after swallowing, and breathes as tears tickle between the seams of his eyelids and run quietly down his cheeks.

Fenris’ thumb gently catches a tear and brushes it away from his skin, and Anders forces himself to open his eyes and stare up at the elf in the sunshine yellow and orange painted room in which he’s been laid to recuperate. Fenris meets his eyes, so briefly Anders thinks perhaps he imagined it, and draws his hand away. “My master said that I knew you. But that I had forgotten.” Fenris hesitates, mouth stiffening into a firm line that is so painfully familiar Anders thinks he’d choose the greatsword again. Then he looks up, “Did I - did we - it seems as if I meant a great deal to you.”

Anders smiles at him, though his lips tremble, and tries to ignore the feeling of his heart breaking. Outside, on the street, an older woman walks past, singing quietly to herself and humming when she forgets the words. “I think we meant a great deal to each other.”

Fenris purses his lips, and looks away, out of the window. Over the street, the silver-green leaves of an olive tree brush the windows of nearby buildings. Elsewhere in the building, Anders can hear the familiar purr of Isabela, and Merrill’s chirping, and the soft old gravel growl of Varric. Occasionally, the floorboards creak when they move across the lower floors. At last, Fenris’ shoulders drop, and he shakes his head. “I don’t remember you.” The words are rich with regret and apology.

Anders blinks against the new tears tickling his cheeks, and shakes his head. “I know.” Then he reaches out, his fingers cold and numb with pins and needles. Stiffly, fumbling, he grabs Fenris’ fingertips in his own like a much older man, and squeezes them. “I just wanted you to be free.”

#bad things happen bingo #dragon age 2 #fenders #fenris #anders #my fic #anon

[danger-xylophones]

Major Buir (Plo Koon x reader)

{masterlist}

Words: 3.7k

Warnings: Unedited, Plo Koon trying to flirt but not quite understanding how to make the swoon, Wolffe being the embarrassed son, potential second hand embarrassment for the reader because I think that Plo is very sweet but is not well versed in the art of flirting. Clones being dumb and cute. Angry Wolffe, potential fluff overload-I got a little carried away. 

Notes: Yeeee it’s my first time writing for Plo-would it be wrong to tag?...I’m gonna do it. @a-dorin , I would like to thank you for inspiring me to write this. I find myself steadily becoming a Plo simp and your fics have only accelerated my downward spiral. 

Also, this was only supposed to be about 1.5k words...woops

……………………………………

“From this, we can conclude that the remnants of the Ehterium cluster supernova would provide a suitable route around this Separatist controlled rat’s nest.” You sniffed carefully and lowered the pointer to tap against the ground but it landed on your foot. Swiftly, you moved it again so it actually tapped against the durasteel floor of the briefing room. A few chuckles slipped from the gathered cloned men and Jedi generals currently scanning over your notes on the holomap that had witnessed the little slip-up. “Though I can understand the hesitance-which is why I have also taken the liberty of charting a different course around the cluster entirely. It would take much longer though and would put you in more danger in the long run as you’d be exposed and out of range for too...long.” You trailed off, suddenly self-conscious of the overuse of the word ‘long’. Even though you’d worked for the GAR since the start of the clone wars (and technically before that if you counted all the academy training) you’d never gotten the hang of the ‘intimidating analytics and tactician officer’ schtick despite trying. You were often compared to a little mouse in the academy-even when you were wielding a blaster. But that hardly mattered when you were one of the top tacticians in the army and the Jedi were very kind to you. Especially General Plo Koon. He was incredibly patient with you as you adjusted to life with the 104th after being transferred from the 205th and he gave off this very warm and loving vibe. 

And thankfully your new general was among the Jedi present-calmly looking at you with hands clasped behind his back, respectfully silent as the other masters muttered over the maps you’d provided. You met his eyes uncertainly. While it wasn’t like this was your first time pitching a new tactic to a general it was the first time you’d ever pitched an idea to so many people (eight, to be exact) that were so high ranking. The room was currently occupied by yourself, Depa Billaba, Obi Wan Kenobi, Cody, Anakin, Ahsoka, Rex, Commander Wolffe, and Plo Koon and while none of them were ever rude to you it was hard to not be intimidated. You weren’t the one that had to go through with this plan-they did. They were the ones in danger. Sure, you could lose your job but they could lose their lives. So, you looked to Plo Koon as he would be sure to tell you what he thought. 

Perhaps he was so open with you because he could read you better than anyone else? He always knew what you were thinking and knew exactly what to say to help you. If you were honest, it was no wonder why you two were fast friends. And it wasn’t a surprise when you realized that certain feelings had crept up on you. Although you had resigned yourself to never act on them for both of your sakes there was no helping the admiration that prompted you to value the Kel Dor’s opinion over anyone else’s. And just like so many times before, it seemed like Plo knew this for he offered a single nod to you when your eyes met. The tension fled from your shoulders instantly as a silent sigh of relief slipped from you. Plo Koon approved. You had done good. He knew how hard you had worked on the new plans and could cite several instances where he had stumbled upon you slumped over your desk as the testimony to your dedication. Each time the Kel Dor quietly lifted you to your feet and encouraged you to leave the work for the next day as he escorted you back to your quarters. Once the two of you got there, he’d always, always place a secure hand on your shoulder with a squeeze that just barely made his talons dig into your greys as he bid you goodnight before sweeping away with one last order to get some sleep tossed over his shoulder. It was similar small gestures like those that gave you hope that were your situations different-he being a normal citizen like you and not a Jedi with no trace of war-that maybe something could happen. But alas…

“I must say, Major, I do believe you’ve outdone yourself.” Kenobi was the first among the Jedi to speak with one hand clasping his chin and the other clasping his elbow in typical Obi Wan fashion as he scanned over the details once more. 

You dipped your head with a carefully practiced, “thank you, General” as your immediate reply though deep inside, your pride swelled. This was possibly your most ambitious plan yet and one that had presented significant challenges. While you were a good tactician, your strong suits lie in terrestrial combat and not space. It felt great to be validated. 

“Yes but…” Depa Billaba began with her arms dutifully crossed over her chest as she scrutinized further, “what are we to do about this asteroid field that cuts through our path?” The Jedi asked calmly and you brightened at the mention of it because you had banged your head against it every which way. The asteroid field was the one thing you couldn’t accurately account for as the data you had received on it initially had been outdated. And you explained as much to her. 

“However, I am happy to tell you that I may have found a way to...acount for this hazard.” You cleared your throat and leaned over the console to zoom in on the area in question. “This asteroid field is large, messy, and problematic, and had you asked me how to avoid it earlier I wouldn’t have had an answer. But, I think that the best course of action is to separate-to make it look as though the three of you-” you pointed to the generals you were specifying, “are escorting Depa Billaba till she comes in range with the nearby medical station. That way if any Separatists follow you, you can still maintain the element of surprise because I know that if we can make General Billaba’s starship appear vulnerable that they will go for it. Worst case scenario, you dust off the guns a little preemptively. Best case-” again, you clicked another button that revealed a dotted red path through the holo projection, “you can use the asteroids as extra cover while you navigate through this path.” You paused a moment, eyes shifting to gauge the reactions of everyone. From across the table, your eyes met with Commander Wolffe’s who raised an eyebrow at you. “Clone intelligence has informed me that this path might be outdated as well but we will be active on the comms to offer guidance through the field as you go.” Commander Wolffe gave a firm nod and, again, the Jedi and clones retreated inwards to try and think of any situations that they would need to be prepared for. In the weighted silence that followed, you were keenly aware of Plo Koon drawing closer to you as he methodically circled the console before you. His hands remained clasped behind his back the entire time and you couldn’t help but watch him as he approached. 

He came to a stop right next to you-close enough for your arms to brush and for his warmth to seep through the fabric of your greys. Plo Koon remained quiet for a little longer, leaving you more time to fight the instinct that told you to lean closer to him before he moved his arms. His taloned hand brushed the back of your own and his vambrace bumped your forearm as he brought his arms up to cross over his torso. You couldn’t help but dwell on the feeling of even that minuscule contact which almost caused you to miss the compliment he paid your way. 

“Uh...th-thank you, General.” You coughed into your fist in a not so subtle way to correct your stutter. “But really, my plan is only good because my data was good. You should really thank your men that got me the information.” 

The Kel Dor made a huffing sound that would have sounded like a laugh if not for the heavy overlay from his mask. “Believe me, Major, I will but you do deserve some of the credit.” He stressed, even going so far as to grasp your shoulder very briefly. You could still feel the imprint of his touch when he moved his hand away. 

“Anakin, you’re being unusually quiet.” Obi Wan saved you from further implosion as he addressed his former padawan. You and Plo Koon both turned your attention back to the other occupants in the room and you were unsettled to find General Skywalker’s eyebrows furrowed in scrutiny as he glanced between you and the Jedi Master. Perhaps more alarming though was Wolffe’s face. He was staring at Plo Koon with what you could only describe as a bug-eyed look. 

“Just thinking, master.” Skywalker eventually answered. Your jaw tensed in uncertainty though the younger man said nothing more regarding the visual dissection of your interaction. 

The meeting continued for a few more minutes with you working to finalize the more minute details and to take measures to establish backup plans that would most likely be abandoned by the Jedi at the first sign of conflict and the Jedi began to disperse with their own CO’s. Eventually, that left just you, Wolffe, and Plo Koon. At the first sign that the meeting was adjourned, you began to pack your things up and to log off the computers but instead of leaving you to your own devices like you thought he would, Plo Koon remained with you. He casually waited at the console you had left him at with his hands clasped before his diaphragm, a common gesture for him you’d noticed, while Wolffe awkwardly hovered near the door. 

“Was there anything else you needed, General?” You asked, glancing over your shoulder at the Kel Dor. He stood up straight and approached with light footsteps. 

“Not particularly, Major, but I would like to congratulate you once again on another excellently thought out plan.” Plo Koon’s voice was as calm as it ever was but there was something there-a slight lilt you weren’t familiar with or maybe it was better described as a squeak? Slowly spinning on your heel, you turned to face him. 

“Well,...thank you, General. It...It’s my job.” A part of you swore at your inability to take a compliment properly while the other parts were all focused on Plo Koon. Sure, he’d complimented you on your plans before (he did during the meeting) but he had always reserved the more serious praise for after the missions and the debriefings. He’d never stayed after the preliminary meetings. 

“If you don’t mind, I’d prefer if you called me Plo Koon-it feels far too impersonal to be addressed as ‘general’ outside of meetings.” The Kel Dor explained with a raised hand to stop you from saying anything else till he had said his piece. 

You blinked. Once. Twice. Before eventually sliding your gaze over to Wolffe who had a hand clasped over his eyes. That gesture only added kindling to the confused fire as you returned to the man in front of you. There didn’t seem to be anything amiss-his mask looked in place and to your knowledge, he hadn’t been in the medbay recently. “As...whatever you wish...Plo.” You swallowed, his name-something you’d said in your head thousands of times before-felt foreign on your tongue. “You can of course call me ‘Y/n’...then.” You offered uncertainly. 

“Of course,” he echoed with a nod. “I’ve always thought your name fitting.” 

“Thank you…?” You asked uncertainly. 

“I just mean that it is a strong name and you bear it well.” 

“...” Again, you couldn’t help but look over at Wolffe who had taken his face in his hands in what could only be described as a picture of absolute mortification. His helmet was awkwardly squished into his chest as he shook his head from side to side, lips moving as he formed words you couldn’t hear from where you stood. “I...uh...I like your name too, Plo. It’s gentle…?” You tried as you returned your attention to the Kel Dor and raised one shoulder in a half-shrug. 

He brightened, back straightening up as he continued to regard you. “Thank you, I’m rather fond of it myself.” A silence fell over the two of you-horribly tense and laced with an awkward air you had no way of dissipating anytime soon. Averting your eyes from the Jedi, you rolled your lips in and bit them as you fished for something else to say. 

“Is...are you sure there wasn’t anything you needed, General?” You finally asked after shifting on your feet for the third time. 

Plo Koon shook his head, less in a form of denial and more like he was trying to shake himself out of a stupor before answering. “I’m positive but while we’re on the subject of names I feel it is important for me to inform you of the new one circulating amongst my men.” 

You raised your eyebrow at the Jedi, not missing the way Wolffe froze entirely. “A new name for me or…?” 

“For you.” Plo nodded. “It seems as though they’ve taken a liking to calling you ‘Major Buir’.” There was something in his voice that told you he was smiling (or the Kel Dor equivalent of smiling) beneath his anti-ox mask. 

“Buir?” You questioned as your mind raced to dig up a definition for the Mando’a word you’d heard assigned to the Jedi on multiple occasions. “As in what the Wolfpack calls you?” 

“Indeed. Are you familiar with Mando’a?” 

“After fighting alongside the clones?-of course, but I’m afraid most of the terms I know relate to fighting, tactics, or swearing.” You explained promptly with a glance to Wolffe at the mention of his language-the clone in question looked frozen in his spot and it seemed like he was no longer alone as you could swear you saw the familiar red hair of Boost and the silver of Sinker ducking behind the doorway. 

Plo Koon suddenly leaned forward, getting closer to your height as his voice dropped to just above a whisper. “Buir is Mando’a for ‘parent’, Y/n.” Immediately, it felt as though someone had locked you in carbonite-your heart was still warm as it surged with affection for the men of the 104th yet at the same time your body felt the familiar frozen tingle that so often accompanied the sensation of treading through uncharted territory. You were keenly aware of Plo Koon’s proximity and the way your heart sped as a result. In an attempt to combat this you took a deep breath to steady yourself and regain control over your vocal chords. But that was a mistake as Plo’s natural scent infiltrated your senses. He smelled of leather and fresh air, of tea tree and some other piquant scent you couldn’t name that you knew was the remnant of one of the contraband candles he had hidden aboard the ship. It was so him-something the standard issue GAR soap couldn’t hide-that it overwhelmed you in an instant and you found yourself leaning closer. He, a flame, and you, a moth. 

Your lips parted slightly as your face relaxed and you swore that you’d never felt calmer. It felt like someone was wrapping you in a hug; you felt safe, wanted, and adored. “But...if they call you that and are now calling me that…” you began through the sudden dwam your mind floated in. The pieces were starting to fall into place. “Then...General Plo Koon,” your voice suddenly became firm as you forced yourself to step back, “Are you trying to flirt with me?” 

Plo Koon straightened up, his hands finding their usual resting place crossed in front of his stomach. “I am. Was it not obvious?” He asked, his held tilting to the left just slightly. 

You briefly thought back to the somewhat strange string of compliments he’d paid you that lead up to this. “Uh...no, not really.” You explained quickly, eyes now flickering around the room in an attempt to come up with a reply to this revelation. 

“Hmm.” Plo Koon hummed. “My apologies then. Boost encouraged me to be forward-perhaps it was not enough?” You blinked up at him, gaping like a fish-if that was Plo being forward then you wouldn’t have stood a chance if he had taken a subtle route. 

Before you could say anything though, Wolffe’s explosive voice cut through the briefing room as he rounded on Boost. “You told him to do what?!” The commander barked at his red-headed brother who had long since abandoned hiding behind the doorway and was now standing tall with his chest slightly puffed. 

“Oh come on, Vod, we both know the General likes ‘em! And Major Buir wasn’t going to pick up on it anytime soon. I was just trying to help!” He huffed back, practically getting in Wolffe’s face. 

“Meddling isn’t helping, Boost!” 

“I dunno-seemed pretty effective, Commander.” Sinker chimed in. 

Wolffe wheeled on him next. “Don’t tell me you were in on this too!” The one-eyed clone seethed. “If you weren’t my brother I’d-”

“Boys!” You snapped, having heard enough. The three brothers stopped immediately and turned to you; each one bore a similarly sheepish grin. With a shake of your head, you turned back to Plo who had watched on in amusement. “Plo, I’m flattered but...what about your code? I know attachments are dangerous and I wouldn’t want to be the reason you-” 

The Jedi master raised a hand. “My dear, attachments aren’t dangerous. It is how they can be used against a Jedi that is.” 

“I don’t follow.” You tried only for Plo to shake his head. 

“Yes, you do.” The Kel Dor dropped to your height again. “Y/n, if attachments themselves were dangerous Jedi would also be forbidden from being compassionate.” You were stricken silent, painfully aware of the three pairs of eyes currently fixated on the two of you. “But even if they were, I’d still find you worth the risk.” Your heart melted, a soft ‘Plo’ slipping past your lips that made the Kel Dor incline his head. “I know you care for me too, Y/n, so...are you willing to be with me?” 

You bit your lip in thought, a smile creeping across your face as you looked up at the Jedi. “I’m guessing there’s no talking you out of this?” 

“You may try but my feelings will persist.” Plo countered immediately-a lightness to his voice you hadn’t heard before. 

You chuckled briefly and let your gaze slide over to the three clones now curiously peering at the two of you. You took in their identical faces and the imploring looks each one was giving you. When had the Wolfpack wormed their way into your heart? Probably around the same time their general did. You turned back to Plo Koon. “I say...of course,” You smiled and slipped onto your toes to wrap your arms around the Kel Dor’s neck. He returned the embrace with a low hum, his arms slipping around your waist, “ner Jetti.” You could hear whooping and hollering from the entrance to the briefing room. 

……………………………………………………..

The barracks were dark and crowded later that night-many of the men from the 104th had all crammed into one room to watch the holofilm you’d smuggled onto the starship. It had been about three weeks since the fateful meeting that led to the union of you and General Plo Koon and each day had brought a new development in your aliit as word of your relationship spread. For the most part, none of the men were surprised-some even commenting on how Plo Koon was apparently unable to tear his eyes off of you during meetings, holocalls, or your brief but frequent trips to the base on Coruscant. But there were a few who weren’t expecting it at all. 

But everyone you’d told had been supportive. And now as you sat curled into Plo Koon’s side with clones draped all around you as most dozed off in the peaceful barracks you could safely say that you’d found where you belong. 

A tug on your arm pulled you away from the nearly impossible to hear holofilm (the few soldiers that were still awake had turned the volume down so they could let their brothers sleep) and to the clone currently barely awake with his head on your lap. “What is it, Boost?” You asked in a whisper, keenly aware of the sleeping Sinker and Wolffe on Plo’s other side. Still, your voice managed to catch the Jedi’s attention as he turned his head towards the two you. 

The red head stared up at you blearily, a yawn interrupting him before he began speaking. “I just wanted to say that I’m happy you and general buir are together now. And that I’m glad I could help.” 

A breathy laugh escaped you that Plo helped quiet with a hand over your mouth. He dipped his head to gesture at Wolffe who grumbled and curled closer to Sinker in his sleep. In retaliation, you batted his hand away and rolled your eyes at the Kel Dor before looking back at the sleepy man. “I am too, Boost. Thank you.” You answered fondly, letting your head fall against Plo’s shoulder. 

“Like I said-” he cut off to yawn, “happy to help...major...buir.” Boost trailed off as his eyes closed and he wormed his way closer to you. 

You smiled. “Thank you, ner ad’ika.” As Boost officially fell victim to dream land you turned towards Plo who had watched the exchange carefully. The same feeling of being hugged, of being safe, wanted, and loved infiltrated your senses but you now recognized it as Plo’s signature. Still bearing that soft painted smile, you pressed your forehead to his. A final whisper of thank you slipped from you as you resigned yourself to stay in that moment forever. 

#plo koon x reader #plo koon #star wars #clone wars #star wars: clone wars #tcw #wolfpack

[elizabethsharmon]

Now that s5 has ended what do you think about it? I remember seeing you be quite vocal about the season and then you just stopped and I was just wondering what your general opinion is. Did the fandom scare you away? :(

hey there! I kind of stopped being so loud about the show here cause at some point I just gave up about s5 and don’t worry, it would take a lot for fandom to scare me away and i’ll be back with my usual bullshit in 2 weeks with s6 clip by clip reactions ✌️ anyway, i was going through my archive while writing this to remind myself of what happened in each clip and what were mine and fandom’s reactions to it and somehow when I started writing this, it turned out I can’t stop and it got quite long so I'mputting it under read more:

So first of all may I just say that the trailer/firstclip was one of my favourite clips of all times. It was just SO GOOD and to meit was like a dream come true cause I was talking about dropping a clip andstarting a season on New Year since July AND THEY DID IT AND IT WAS E P I C,such a power move, I love it. Honestly everything worked there, the music wasamazing, it was so wonderful to see both squads partying together, it wasperfect, 11/10.

Then the season started and I absolutely loved thefirst two episodes, we really started to get into Arthur's head, to get to knowhim and his family, find out how insecure he is and how well he's hidingeverything from others, and Arthur and Alexia clips!!!! They worked so welltogether and were so cute and supportive, I said it back then that if they ruinthem I will never forgive them for that because what was the point of makingthem a couple in the first place?? I still don't understand that, I don't thinkI ever will... Fast forward to the first Wednesday of the season aka underwatermale gaze aka the moment I knew we're in for a ride and it won't be a goodone... When the clip started I was over the moon, I'm a swimming hoe myself andI loved that they used the pool for actual swimming, the cinematography wasbeautiful and I loved that they found a way to incorporate Lisa into the story.That was until Arthur dived and saw Noee... and sadly, this was the firstmoment I emotionally yeeted out from the season. Don't even get me started howwrong it was - 1. using the pool which is a sacred place in the show’smythology; 2. using piano music; 3. peak male gaze, objectifying Noee, andArthur staring at her even though HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND; they were setting it upas a love triangle from the beginning and after those 10+ weeks I still havethe same question about it as I had back then: why. It was also the first timefandom started to be hostile and the shipping war began, some people werecoming to my and my friends' inboxes, sending us anons to stop thinking theworse about Arthur, that love triangle will definitely not happen and thatDavid explained on his insta that they used the setting of pool in another waythan it was used in og s3... Well, jokes on you cause we were right. Anyway thatWednesday clip was to me the first red flag of the season, the first momentwhen some people started attacking others, when the fandom police started formingand suddenly you couldn't say anything because someone would jump on you andsend hate.

But I decided to let it slide, hoping that they reallywouldn't go there (spoiler alert: they did) and then we got Friday clips withelu housewarming (i'm still emo!!!) and Arthur losing his hearing permanently.It was absolutely heartbreaking to find out he lost hearing in his left ear 2years ago, it was a real game changer back then and suddenly everything changed- why he was looking at Alexia so intently, why he didn't cover his left ear atnye party, etc. I absolutely LOVED the way they handled the topic at thebeginning with Jerome explaining everything to Arthur and to us and I LOVED thepositive discourse it started within the fandom with deaf/hoh people teachingothers and explaining things without getting mad at silly questions - tbh to meit was one of the best parts of the first half of the season and I'm reallygrateful for it ❤️

Sunday clips with gang were one of my favourite in theseason, I think Arthur took us all by surprise when he went to elu's flat totell the guys that he can't hear and they were chaotic and supporting andamazing and wow, I really don't understand what the fuck happened and wherethey disappeared in the second half of the season. I loved that they hinted aturbex king Eliott and I kinda feel like that might come back in s6....... butanyway. The 7 amclips were absolutely one of the highlights of the season. They helped to buildsome sort of routine and Robin absolutely nailed them, I could feel howpowerless and more frustrated he was feeling AND I also felt betrayed that wedidn't get one on Thursday and Friday. Even though after the first pool clip Iwas dreading every single next clip there, I really liked that they were showingus that Arthur goes there every Wednesday, it really helped to get inside hishead and to understand him more and I kinda wish they hadn't stopped thatbecause it would be a really power move to keep showing that. Alexia in episode2 was just WOW, i can't believe there were people who were saying she andArthur don't have chemistry or that he should break up with her because she'snot supportive - well, she proved you all wrong. Too bad Arthur was too dumband self-absorbed to appreciate that.

BASILE/ARTHUR FRIENDSHIP. All their clips were solovely and heartwarming, I loved how different Basile was in Arthur's pov toBasile we knew at the beginning of s3; when he didn't want to leave Arthuruntil he said back that he loves him :'))) wholesome. I kinda wish we got tosee more of those two, they're definitely hanging out just the two of them andthat's what was lacking for me, those 3 or so clips of just the two of thembeing wholesome buddies were great but they were not enough.

The party clip on Thursday of ep2 was great, I lovedhow they're giving us little insights of deaf/hoh community and showing usArthur getting drawn to it. I wish that it wasn't overshadowed by love triangleand we got more of it, but I'll be back to it later...

Now, episode 3 and 4 were strong in the term of clipsbut those two weeks were incredibly boring when you were watching it in realtime. The breaks were too long, there were three clipless days each episodewith hardly any social media update and at times it made me forget about theshow completely. The bar clip in ep3 was great until they started sayingproblematic shit and tbh I was really starting to stress over Eliott then -first we got a hint that housewarming party was canceled because he wasn't feelingwell, now over a week later he's not feeling well again and Lucas' "he'smy boyfriend and i love him" was very cute and I loved it but it alsostarted to lead to misery porn and this dread didn't leave me until the end ofthe season and I'm still worried that it will play a part in s6 and it won't behandled well (disclaimer: this is not about the fact that they're talking aboutEliott's MI, it's about how Lucas started to act like a martyr and the way theystarted to show him acting almost like Lucille).

Episode 3 was also the time when I think it becameobvious that Arthur's short outburst of communication was gone and we'll haveto deal with next few weeks of miscommunication, sulking and hiding. Beginningof ep4 was another moment for me when I wanted to escape from this seasonbecause of the fandom police - they created as hostile atmosphere for the fanswatching in real time as druck stans did during s3, when you couldn't commentanything or say anything without other people jumping on you, calling you outand hating you, that for a moment again I was ready to give up on the show. Ireally wish I had done it.

As much as I liked stupid gang content in thecafeteria the whole clip was kinda odd and the 1,5 days break between the clipand laser tag was too much. I feel like the pacing in episode 4 really didn'twork in their favour and the clips could've been placed in another order sothat the breaks weren't so long. The laser tag was such a strong clip withbeautiful cinematography and colouring and it showed us Arthur's problems withsensory overload and again - I wish we could find out more about it because inthe end the clip was too short and cut abruptly only for Arthur to go to Noeeto see her dance in a scene that was pure male gaze, where the camera lingeredon her flat, bare stomach, a few times showing close up of her boobs. And yes.I am aware sing language is a bodily language. But the thing is that itcould've been shown differently, without so many objectifying shots, with Noeewearing different clothes, without Arthur staring at her with his jaw dropped.Arthur who - may i remind you - had a girlfriend at that time. I can watchgore, I can watch open surgeries, I can watch blood, and fight, and beating,and all that without the blink of the eye. i could barely watch the clip ofNoee dancing. I've never felt so sick after watching something in my life, Ihad to go offline for a few hours cause I was feeling so unwell. This was sucha fucked up scene to film in such a way, to objectify her, to use male gaze, touse piano music, slow motion, man looking at her in a predatory way, and thisscene was so wrong on so many levels itself but when you add to it the factthat Alexia NEVER got scenes like that and all her dancing scenes showed her basicallyas a quirky friend having fun at parties. And that's disgusting.

But let's move on to episode 5. I loved all the scenesin the asso, I loved that they showed Arthur actually going to LSF classes, Iloved how he confronted his father about it later. Though episode 5 was alsothe start of the boy squad becoming brainless idiots, lying to his friend,plotting behind his back, going to a concert without him. Episode of beautifulcinematography and skating scene that I watched trying not to think about thefact that Arthur is basically having a date with another girl while hisgirlfriend is studying for her bac, of an oblivious guy not wanting to stop itbefore it's too late and everyone's hearts will be broken.... I loved that hesnapped at the guys in the detention clip. I liked the following clip withAlexia, when they made her talk about her insecurities, showed us how strongshe is but also how fragile she is at the same time. But that Sunday of episode6 was the moment I ultimately realized I don't care any more about this season.It was already ruined for me. Alexia opening up, Alexia asking Arthur aboutNoee and him saying the worst ableist shit ever, Arthur breaking Noee'sheart... Those three clips made me realize that for me it's too late, thedamage is done, and I won't be able to enjoy this season for real. Alexia wasbound to get her heart broken, I was pitying Noee because it wasn't her fault aguy she had a crush on kept on leading her for weeks, and Arthur... I dislikedhim more and more and I just wanted it to be over.

I loved all clips with Laura and Melchior, the playfuldynamic in their interactions with Arthur was one of the best things of theseason and I can't stop but think that we could've had the same thing but withArthur, Noee, and Camille. Meanwhile Noee was reduced to manic pixie dreamgirl, a homewrecker, a plot device, and Camille was there only to translate(and later to be Mika's boyfriend). I really liked the clip with Noee andArthur reading her letter about cochlear implant, it was very informative andit was the kind of content I really wanted to see in this season. The onlything I hated about it - which was a recurring theme in clips with Noee... - isthat Arthur kept forgetting about Alexia and this was so unfair to her.

Now. The Valentine's Day. I loved the sourd datingclip, again, it was something that I wanted to see in the season and it was avery strong clip. But then the rest of the episode... I really wish it didn'texist. Jumping to the pool in clothes???? Arthur sharing his deepest trauma andNoee kissing him??? NOEE AND ARTHUR SHIPPERS JUMPING ON PEOPLE SAYING THAT SHEDID IT TO COMFORT HIM???? Sorry guys, I don't know about you but when myfriends are sharing something traumatizing to me I hug them or hold their hand,I don't kiss them with tongue. Also using a flashback??? It doesn’t go wellwith the show’s format, why was it even used???

Episode 8 was... Episode 8 was wild. And weird. Andstrange. And I don't really know what was the point of it. But despiteeverything crackfic farm au was at least entertaining and it was kind ofsomething we needed then after weeks of will they/won't they and hating Arthur.Whipped elu was everything, the fifi saga was hilarious and I rewatched itaround 50 times and it still makes me laugh - Maxence nailed it but ?? what wasthe point? they killed Eliott's bunny so that he would become vegetarian? Theywanted to traumatize him and cause him to have an episode that was cut in theend? (I really wouldn't be surprised, there are 2 clips missing from firstepisodes each, and probably more in the others). I really don't know what wasthe point. The 6h15 or sth clip was funny but if Lucas and Arthur hugging itout cause sorry bro / it's okay bro / bro / bro is what they're considering aproper apology then I'm sorry but it isn't. What's more, the pacing of thisepisode was incredibly off and the clips didn't add up and there wasn't anynatural flow to it - they should've madetwo clips on Sunday - with Arthur getting to the van and them arriving to thecountryside, two clips on Monday with 6 am and then Daphne and Basile, Fifitrilogy on Tuesday and then right after midnight on Wednesday Arthur and Alexiain the barn. Now, the cheating excusing convo... I was absolutelydisgusted by the boy squad and the fact that YANN who was cheated on in s1advised Arthur to not say anything... wow. Also I really don't like what Eliottsaid there, I understood it in that moment that he was mainly talking from aphilosophical pov that humans are never satisfied in general, but he was sayingthat during the cheating convo, right after he said that he cheated on his gfto get with his bf, he said it while Lucas was right there, knowing that he hasdeeply rooted abandonment issues and this is what made the situation worse. Ithink I'll talk more about the fandom reaction and team's comments later causethere will be a lot to unpack there so yeah, I'll leave it for now.

Because now let's move on to February 21, aka theFriday that changed everything. Can I just say that I have never seen a worseclip ever in my life? That wasn't skam. That was soap opera. And not even agood one. I can't even comprehend how they wrote THIS and thought it was good.I despise the choice of making Noee speak out loud with every fiber of mybeing. First they objectified her, reduced her to the plot device and 1/3 ofthe love triangle, and now they stripped her of her integrity for a guy who wasconstantly leading her on, who has a girlfiend. They made her so desperate tomake him stay with her that she lost a part of himself for him. And for who??For a guy who didn't give a fuck about her? Who constantly played with herfeelings? Who mocked her and her language and her culture and didn't do so onlywhen it was convenient for him? Honestly fuck him, fuck Arthur. And then A CARCRASHED INTO HIM LIKE ????????????? Someone please explain to me what was thepoint of that cause the only one I see was to provide a fandom with a greatfree entertainment.

Now, episodes 9 and 10 were overall much stronger thanthe past few weeks but it was already to late to salvage the season. We gotanother cheating apologists scene which was - again - absolutely disgusting,especially coming from Lucas - who gave Arthur the same advice he gave to Emma- and Yann - who was cheated on and knew from his own experience that stufflike that always come out in the end. It's like all their character developmentfrom previous seasons went down the drain. Arthur on the other hand seemed tohave a character regression with each passing week. I'm still appalled by whatLucas said - that Alex is their friend but Arthur is part of the gang. It wasdisgusting. And it was out of the character. And it was the worst possiblething that could've been said.

Coline's song was so beautiful and I was so happy thatArthur finally realized what he's lost, though I feel like all those intensestaring between Arthur and Noee was unnecessary again, it's like they couldn'tjust give us a break for one clip from them, it's like she was constantlystealing Alexia's moments, whether she was on screen at the time or not.

The clip with elu was sweet and gave us greatwholesome content, but it only confirmed that Lucas' abandonment issues woke upfrom their nap and I'm already dreading what they're planning to do with thatin s6, especially that according to the latest news Lucas is not very presentin the next season... The polyamory talk... It was odd. It felt force. Thebuildup to it wasn't done very well and what' more it was built on cheating.And that's doesn't bode well. It's also quite ridiculous how it took 1 minuteconversation with Lucas or even one sentence from him tbh for Arthur to go"oh yeah I'm poly. I think." and tell Noee that he loves her eventhough he spent the last couple of weeks denying that and pushing her away. IHATE that yet again they made her be so desperate and cry when he was tellingher this. That's not Noee they gave us in the first half of the season. Ireally liked the clip of Laura and Melchior and Arthur giving the presentationto the students but Arthur's grandiose speech to students and then to girls wasso strange, there wasn't any buildup to it, or more likely Arthur that we werehaving on screen from the end of ep 4 till the end of ep9 was gone and the oldArthur finally showed up. But nevertheless it was strange and not very fittingto the way how the story progressed.

NOW the last two clips - first was a little bit shortand I can't say I was a huge fan (though Eliott's kermit-like dance waseverything jdskjdkjjd) but the second clip was absolutely beautiful, we finallysaw Daphne talk, I'm still not sure what to think about Noee/Arthur (not reallya fan of how the story was resolved... or how it wasn't resolved), AND THEMURAL! LUCAS CRYING BECAUSE HE'S PROUD OF HIS BOYFRIEND! ELIOTT ONCE A YEARMAKING A MURAL OUT OF PURE LOVE! EVERYONE CRYING! ELIOTT NOT PAINTING HIMSELFBECAUSE HE DOESN'T CONSIDER HIMSELF PART OF THE SQUAD (although he is, I don'tknow why they don't understand it) and... Lola. But I guess I'll be back to itlater.

So now, I can't say I'm a fan of the season. I enjoyedsome of the clips, but overall it was a mess, love triangle and fandom and crewbehaviour ruined the season for me. I was absolutely disgusted but howprivileged fans acted on tumblr and on twitter. And yes. There are privilegedfans, fans who were shutting others up because they "don't want us to getour hopes up when we don't know what might happen", fans who were sayingthat "you don't know anything haha i can promise you don't know shit hahano i don't know anything and no i'm not jealous haha you just don't know buthaha tell me this oh how stupid you are", fans who were acting like afandom police all the freaking time, yelling at everyone to "wait and see!you don't know what will happen!". Well. We didn't. Because contrary to 5%of the "little ones-fans", the rest 95% is not privileged enough toget a special treatment, to be invited on set for filming, to know the detailsof the plot before the season airs, to know the bigger picture. It's not fair.If you really know everything then great, I'm happy for you, but let the otherswatch the show how they like, let them react to it clip by clip. Because mostof us don't know the bigger picture and don't know what will happen and how theissues will be resolved. And you are aware that the format of the show itselfencourages viewers to react to the events of the story as they resolve onscreen and through transmedia content, right? That's the essence of skam.Taking that away from the regular fans because you've been let in to some innercircle and know it all is absolutely disgusting. Don't interact with the fandomif you can't stand seeing people not agreeing with the writing choices,questioning what they watch and theorizing about what will happen. If you're soabove it, then just stick with the people like you, with those 5% or so ofknow-it-all and "enjoy" the show with them. Don't ruin the fun forothers. You're not better than anyone else. Don't act like it. Don't be ahypocrite. Don't act publicly as a fandom police, criticize everyone who sharesspoilers and call them out and write hateful posts, if you're doing the sameprivately, if you can't shut up when someone sends you a dm or a message offanon and suddenly you spill everything. Don't be fake. If you know stuff, thengreat, I don't know admit it and say that you want say anything or don't sayanything but then don't spread the spoilers and don't write cryptic comments inthe tags. It's not helping anyone and it's definitely not doing anything good.And to people on twitter currently posting what I guess they assume are vaguetweets about cast’s personal lives? Fuck you. You’re so loud, you know? Maybeyou think you’re talking in a special code only you and your friends can guessbut it’s so obvious and so disgusting, you really have no shame. Grow up andget a life.

Another thing that ruined the season for me was theway the crew was acting on twitter and instagram and I’m so so so disappointed by their behaviour,especially that I’ve always considered them as one of the most open-mindedteams who respect their fans and their opinions. Turns out they do that butonly when the reactions to the clips are positive. I mean, I kind of get it,obviously everyone wants to hear the praise, but you cannot ignore thenegative comments and fans’ concerns, especially that there were plenty of themthis season. And during social media age when it takes one click to see theliked posts or comments, it becomes obvious that the crew was only interacting (evenin such a passive way like liking comments or tweets) with fanswho were praising the show. All the negative comments and questions werebrushed off, saying that “the season will reveal its own truth” and that iffans will have any questions they will be answered after. Well, franklyspeaking, me and my friends have a list of questions that we’d love to get ananswer for:

- why was love triangle necessary?- why did they make Alexia and Arthur a couple in the first place if theywanted him to go after Noee?- why did Noee say she doesn't like talking out loud cause sign language is howshe communicates only to yell at Arthur to stop him from leaving, losing herintegrity for a guy who doesn't care about her?- car????????????????????????- cheating convos - why are they excusing it like that- treatment of Alexia & why did they include numerous comments about Alexia'sbody?- THE MALE GAZE - why did the camera focus so much on Noee's body, why was sheobjectified and why was she presented as a stark contrast to Alexia?- fifi?- p*trick and why the abuse was introduced so late in the plot and overshadowedimmediately by cheating and then followed by crackfic farm au?- why didn't we see any Arthur centered clips where he shows he likes art?- why did Arthur and space have no relevance in the season???- why are Lucas and Yann saying shit every time they open their mouths and whydid they forgot about everything that happened in s1?- the whole convo with the boy squad on valentine's day and how shitty theirreaction was - why?- why we didn't see any actual squad interactions on holidays and no realapologies?- why does the life of the characters always has to revolve around romanticrelationships?- why can't men and women be friends unless the man is gay?- what was the point of all the ship wars and skamlaserie photo withArthur/Alexia and Arthur/Noee *especially* after all the comments on twitterand on Instagram when fans were fighting already and it only made thingsescalate? Why not stop it, why pit fans against each other, why let it escalatelike that?- why draw parallels between elu and Arthur/Noee?- Why was Noee reduced to love interest and Camille to translator 90% of thetime and why don't give them similar dynamics with Arthur as Melchior and Laurahave?- how can Arthur see underwater?- Catherine - was she just a queerbait?- tuturo comment from the forum and Arthur's 'relationship' with 34 yo - whywasn’t it mentioned ever again?- how could noee not know arthur has a girlfriend since she was following himon instagram and he had photos with alexia there?- what happened with basile's birthday since they never celebrated them??- in samedi 11:04 (5x10) eliott says "i've got some croissants, do youwant me to heat them up?" which implies that he's already bought them andbrought them back to the flat BUT he's putting his jacket on as if he was aboutto leave and then he leaves and slams the door so what's the truth?

The crew completely invalidated the feelings andconcerns of the fans and what added fuel to the flame for me was thatskamlaserie post with Arthur/Noee/Alexia and caption that they can’t choosecause they love them both and… Honestly, who the hell works there. There’s beendrama for the whole week on twitter and under David’s posts on insta andinstead of finally end it, idk block the comments or just make a statement ORWHATEVER, they posted THAT on the official show’s account?? Why haven’t they stopped it? Why did they keep on pitting fans against each other up to the point that one twitter user started getting DEATH THREATS only because they translated some video??? Absolutely disgusting.@skamlaserie and @fr team: hate to break it to you but there's nothing wrong with being single andthere's plenty of teenagers who aren't in relationships in high school andthat's okay... maybe that's how Arthur should've started the season instead ofbecoming a cheater and leading on two girls at the same time just for the sakeof having unnecessary relationship drama which literally only created somepointless ship wars and put half of the fandom off watching the show... just saying.

Then, another things that rubbed me the wrong way werethe whole “canceling” discourse (that never really happened and I still standby what I said in the comments to this post so I’ll just direct you to it) and imposingthe one “right” interpretation on the fans - I specifically have the cheatingconvo from episode 8 in mind now. We all have a right to our owninterpretations of every scene, here many people saw it as Eliott’s commenthaving an effect on Lucas and his abandonment issues and started commenting onthat on twitter and David had to rush to explain that he hadn’t meant Lucas,that Eliott won’t cheat and that they won’t break up and will stay together.Well, the thing is that there’s such a concept as “the death of the author”which I suppose you can already guess from its name says that the author, theirbeliefs, backstory, opinions, etc. shouldn’t be taken into account wheninterpreting the text because writing (or in this case - a show) and creatorare separate entities and shouldn’t be correlated. First of all, thismetaphorical extinguishing of fire seemed pointless and like a mockery, seeinghow two episodes later it turned out people were right and Lucas really tookEliott’s comment personally and his insecurities and abandonment issues wereshowing up again; secondly, after that there were many comments from the crewabout how Elu will stay forever and never break up and maybe it’s just me but Ithink that was obvious, right? So why would they keep repeating that? Unless…something will happen in s6 that will make us doubt that and it’s a preemptive damagecontrol 🙃

So to sum up this monstrosity that I have no idea ifit even makes any sense BUT ANYWAY: I liked some of the things in s5 but overall Ireally really didn’t like it, some people in the fandom were incrediblyannoying and turned out to be fake and complete hypocrites, and the crew’s behaviour on socialmedia leaves a lot to be desired and I can only hope they will acknowledge anycriticism of s6 and won’t blatantly ignore fans’ criticism again. So that’d beit. If you read it till the end then you’re stronger than Sabrina giffingArthur getting hit by a car and I respect you for that cause even I haven’t reread it, have a nice quarantineand stay safe!

#skam france #skamfr #anon #answered #maggie talks

[powermetalhag]

Digging Deeper

 @alienfuckeronmain​ tagged me in this massive tag meme (Thank you!! I love doing these things). If I tag you, feel free to ignore this if you don’t feel up to doing it/reading it. If you aren’t tagged and want to be, feel free to just say I tagged you ❤

I tag: @flowerkitten @meemimajima @darlingdear @wizards1977 @violet-tea @lickthatbattery @lusamine @misfit-on-a-journey @lampshroomomg @cyrsed @wooden-duck @wildbayou @curse-you @ghostly-rowlf​ @icedchailatte​ @oni-lover​

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? City

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’d love to be able to sing and metal-scream really well. I’m trying to learn but I practice pretty inconsistently and it’s an uphill battle bc I don’t have much natural aptitude for it. Also it would be really cool to be a contortionist. 

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? I don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I sweeten tea, sometimes I don’t.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? I didn’t like reading books much as a child. When it came to reading novels, my reading comprehension was pretty below average (I think I posted about this ages ago, but when I tried to read Harry potter when I was 7 I couldn’t follow it at all. I somehow thought that Harry and Hagrid were the same character and that Hagrid was just the name for Harry’s Wizard self. My concentration just wasn’t there). I read a lot of manga though. I think my favourites were fushigi yuugi, saint tail, and miracle girls.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Hobbit

8. Paper or electronic books? I prefer paper books, but I mostly use electronic ones.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my cloud-print long sleeved mesh shirt

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I used to want to change it, I don’t anymore. 

11. Who is a mentor to you? I don’t think I have one

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? I like the idea of creative projects of mine becoming a little bit known, but I’d never want to be famous.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Not really

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? I’m probably less romantic than the average person, but in the right situation I can be.

15. Which element best represents you? I associate myself with fire (bc I'm a leo) but in some ways water or air might better represent me. Idk.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? Honestly? Pretty much all of my friends. My life is complicated and the severity of my ocd makes me keep everyone at a distance more than I’d like to.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? Everyone who I haven’t seen since quarantine started.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. As young kids my sister and I hated Tracey Sketchit from pokemon so passionately that we would draw his face on the bottom of our feet before going to jump on the trampoline so that we could feel like we were jumping on him

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? When we were little my sister and I would sometimes eat raw dried spaghetti dipped in vegemite when there was no other easy snacks in the house. We called them cardboard sticks. (The food situation in my house wasn’t dire or anything, we were just too lazy to make a sandwich or something lol)

20. What are you most thankful for? I am thankful for the people I have in my life and for the amount of stability i’ve been able to have in my life in recent times.

21. Do you like spicy food? I do, but if I eat it often enough to increase my tolerance to it I get bad reflux. So I remain a spice wimp who can only have mild.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Zakk Wylde, Chris Lilley, and some guy who was on Blue Heelers. Also I spoke to Tracy Grimshaw on the phone once. Meeting Zakk Wylde was funny because I was REALLY weird and embarrassing.

(Long story ahead, feel free to skip) Basically, my friend and I were 16 and wandering through the city high on acid. We saw Zakk standing near Hungry Jacks and became completely captivated by him. We had no idea he was some big famous rockstar, we thought he was just some random guy. I cannot convey to you how intense his presence felt at that time. It was like he was everything that is and ever will be metal but congealed into a human being and magnified by 2000x. (in case you don’t know him, he looks like this)

We were so high that we were very in our own world and felt like we were the only ones who really existed and that everything else was just kinda there for us to observe. So we started following him and discussing him as if he couldn’t hear every word we were saying. 

I remember us being like “He’s the most metal thing i’ve seen in my life” “He’s like Neptune, king of the sea, but a brutal version” “He’s the raw original concept that all other metalheads were disseminated from. He’s the true, the original.” It made sense at the time that he could be the origin point of metal and the first ever metalhead because time and space felt like it existed in a looser way than usual. We were really fixated on the idea that metal was invented through his very existence as a direct expression of self, then people copied him, then people copied those people and so on. The further they got from the source (Zakk) the more diluted the essence became. That’s why being around normal metalheads wasn’t as viscerally overwhelming as being in the presence of the raw undiluted concept. We concluded that no metalheads were actually expressing themselves through their subcultural identity. Unknowingly, they’re just expressing him. And we were saying all of this while walking maybe a metre and a half behind him while he ignored us.

Eventually some of the people he was with noticed we were following him and started talking to us (they may have been members of Black label society or they may have just been friends of his, idk). They were friendly and said that they used to do acid when they were younger too and invited us to get drunk with them. We said yes and walked with them for a little. I don’t think Zakk said a word to us the entire time. He probably found us annoying. But we kept staring at Zakk and getting overwhelmed by how intense it was just to be in his presence. Then me and my friend abruptly turned and left without saying anything because being around Zakk was getting to be too much. It was like a sensory overload. As we walked away we barely heard them yelling back to us “something something something ZAKK WYLDE!”. I was familiar with the name but I’d never known how he looked. I googled him a few days later and learned that it was indeed Zakk Wylde who we met and that he’d been in Brisbane with black label society.

And that’s the story of how I passed up the once in a lifetime opportunity to get drunk with Zakk Wylde because his vibes were off the charts.

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? No. Kinda wish I could, but the habit doesn’t stick.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil?  Pencil

25. What is your star sign? Leo sun (Virgo cusp), Scorpio moon, Sagittarius rising.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy

27. What would you want your legacy to be? I’d like to have a positive effect on the people in my life and leave art behind that people might enjoy or relate to (I use the word art loosely, I mean any kind of creative project). I think I've become more aware recently of how important that is to me, which is why I've been so uncharacteristically dedicated to finishing my comic.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I like reading books but I don’t always have the attention span for it. I tend to read more non-fiction than fiction. The last book I read was Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo. A really great book if you want to learn about emo history. The only downside is that it was published in 2003, before emo really took off in the mainstream. Had some insightful things to say regardless.

29. How do you show someone you love them? Idk I can’t think of a concise answer for this. I think it varies depending on who it is and what our dynamic is. When I took that love language test it said my love language was quality time.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? I don’t like it in water. It’s fine in most other drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? I don’t think I can answer this without oversharing or getting too bleak

32. What is your favourite scent? I like tropical scents like mango and coconut

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? By their name

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I’d buy a house with my sister and I wouldn’t have a job but I'd volunteer and do freelance creative work. I’d donate a lot more and help people out more. I’d learn lots of new skills and make lots of art. I would have an amazing wardrobe too.

A kinda sillier dream is that I'd start a cheerleading team where our routines are exclusively to metal songs. As well as entering competitions, we would also be an opening act for bands (in this dream i’m much better at cheerleading than I currently am). It would be cool ok

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean.? Ocean. I miss going to the beach so much

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? See if someone dropped it. Then idk, would depend on my financial situation at the time.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yes

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m not going to have children. I’d like to be a good influence in my friend’s children’s lives though.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Probably some old-school gradient style neopets art (maybe an aisha) or 90s tamagotchi art or a cool wizard. I’d get it on my thigh. I’m very unlikely to ever get a tattoo though

40. What can you hear now? The hum of my computer. It’s old and loud and on its way out

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my bed at home with my cat Luna or hanging out w my sister

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Once coronavirus is less of an issue (which may be in the near future where I live), I’d like to try and push myself to start dating again. I haven’t done that in a long while. The limitations that ocd causes me makes it hard for me to imagine a relationship-- even a casual one--being workable. But I ought to at least try before I decide that. Sometimes things turn out to be easier than I think they’ll be 🤷‍♀️.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? This is so hard!!

If this is purely for enjoyment and not to change the past, i’d probably just want to see all my favourite bands live while they were in their prime and like, cry the whole way through because I am so moved.

44. What is your most used emoji? :) or :/ 

45. Describe yourself using one word. I’m really bad at questions like this

46. What do you regret the most? Eh, that’s a bit personal. I feel like i’ve overshared enough in this thing.

47. Last movie you saw? Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

48. Last tv show you watched? Degrassi the next generation

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Idk

If you’ve read this far ty!! Here’s a little sheep for your trouble

[snarkwrites]

sprung spring | perfect | tim speedle {m}

PROMPTS USED:

Roommates + massage + shy + first kiss / first time together + heavy eye contact + “You have no idea what you do to me.” + thigh riding + on a couch

NOTES:

First of all, yes. yes, I did steal this from an Ed Sheeran song title. We’ve discussed just how bad I am at naming things, so you are all aware of this yes? Secondly... This one ends kind of... abruptly. But.. I felt like it was too good and perfect to keep pushing through and taint the feel I was going for, you feel me? Third.. If anyone wants me too -and bothers me enough, I miiiight be tempted to make this into a fic somehow. Because I have ideas, I just dunno if people wanna see those ideas.

Special thank you of the huge variety to my bb @micolegg​ for looking this over as far as the ending was concerned. I love you for doing it. 

WARNINGS:

Uhh... sex on a couch; unprotected, biting... An overwhelming amount of the fluffy shit here. Oops rip.

PAIRING:

Tim Speedle x OFC, Viv 

TAGGING:

@chasingeverybreakingwave​ because they’re the only one who listed themselves as wanting to be on said list for CSI. If you want to be tagged in any of my multifandom fanfics, please go [here] and add yourself, otherwise, I won’t tag you. 

The files spread beside Tim on the couch and piled on the table close by had Viv shaking her head as she stepped into the door of their apartment, dropping her keys on the end table next to the door. She cleared her throat and leaned against the door, nodding to the files and folders.

“I thought you were going to ease back into work. That doesn’t look like easing, Speed.” Viv slunk over, sprawling dramatically on the couch. Tim chuckled quietly, closing the file he’d been looking at, taking the legal pad he’d had sitting on his lap and stacking it neatly on top. Despite his best efforts, brown eyes traveled slowly over long legs and then back up, grateful that for the time being, she wasn’t looking at him to catch him.

If she had one tenth of a clue what she did to him… the thought died away and Tim took a deep breath, clearing his throat as he prepared to address her dramatic entrance. “Hard day?”

“If one more kid hits on me, I swear to God… I’m their teacher, what the hell… that’s gross!” Viv rose to sit, turning to face Tim, licking her lips as she caught herself getting lost in his eyes. It happened a lot, she always hoped to God he never caught on to just how much she did it and why.

So far, her luck had been holding since the summer of their eleventh grade year, when her parents hired him to teach her Algebra II when she flunked it and wound up repeating the course. So far, Tim Speedle was utterly clueless just how deep in love with him she was.

He thought they were just best friends, so he didn’t even bat an eye when she uprooted herself from their old hometown and moved to Miami after he recovered from life threatening injury. He didn’t even bat a lash when she was in one of her wilder moods and dared to flirt with him, teasing a little bit, either.

And lately, it was getting harder and harder not to do that. She found herself on the verge of almost blurting everything out almost daily now that they lived together. She wanted more. She wanted him to be her man.

Tim clearing his throat had her putting a halt to the train of thought and quickly trying to do her best to seem as if everything was perfectly fine. She nodded to the files and notepad on the table in front of them. “So.. What happened to easing back into work, exactly?” she moved to sit behind him as she asked the question because she’d seen the tension in his shoulders and she knew that as per usual, Tim Speedle was letting the job get to him. Diving in over his head when his doctors all said that he still needed to take it easy.

Tim’s mouth fell open and his head fell to the side slightly as he felt Viv’s legs wrap around his waist from behind and her hands began to move slowly and carefully across his shoulders, kneading in circular motions, the tension seeming to begin melting away almost in an instant.

Just the feel of her body pressing against his had him struggling for any shred of self control. Lately, where she was concerned, it seemed harder to do. He had to really fight to keep himself together around her and he secretly dreaded the fact that eventually, she’d start dating some guy.

… you could open your mouth; make a move…

The thought was only briefly entertained before Tim buried it, letting it fall by the wayside in favor of the massage Viv was giving him.

The groan slipped out before he could stop it and she gave a soft laugh, leaning in with her mouth next to his ear, the warmth of her breath tickling it as she asked in amusement, “Feel good, Timmy?”

“Mhm.”

“You were entirely too tense.” Viv mumbled. She found herself unable to resist the urge to press against his back again and when she did, she gasped because she got carried away and caught up in how good it felt to do so and he jumped a little in surprise because he hadn’t been expecting it.

“Yeah, well.. Apparently someone decided now was an awesome time to be a serial killer in Miami.” Tim retorted, turning his head slightly to gaze at Viv. She was still pressed against him and it felt good.

Too good, really.

“I’m not the only one who looks tense, Viv. Come on around here, darlin.” Tim patted his lap. Viv slipped out from behind him and got off the couch, sinking down into his lap, her back to him. As soon as those rough hands started to clumsily rub at her neck and shoulders, she had to bite down on her lower lip just to keep from making any number of unholy noises threatening to leave her mouth currently. She rocked around in his lap a little, trying to get settled and comfortable and Tim’s hands moved lower, down to below her shoulders. 

Tim tensed slightly, trying to shift himself so that she didn’t accidentally rub right against the way he was straining at baggy blue jeans and find out for herself. As his hands moved up and down her back and across her shoulders, he couldn’t help but hear the quiet little sounds she’d make or the way her breathing hitched now and then. He leaned in and muttered lazily against her ear, “Everything okay, Viv?”

“Oh yeah… yeah.” her eyes fluttered open and closed as his hands began to move in circles over her shoulders again and she couldn’t help but wiggle in his lap again because the massage in combination with the way his hands felt on her body was almost like sensory overload. It felt too good. She had to do something to cope. Tim grunted quietly and almost as soon as she happened to rock herself against the way he strained at his jeans, her eyes popped open wide.

Tim wanted to disappear into the couch. He cleared his throat abruptly, but rather than drop her gaze, he continued to stare directly at her with his mouth opening and closing as he tried to think of something to say, anything to take out what he thought was awkwardness lingering heavy in the air between them.

Viv’s last bit of restraint snapped completely. One of them had to do something. The tension was so thick between them you could cut it with a knife. And given that she knew exactly how Tim Speedle operated, she took a calculated risk.

Scooting up into his lap more, she put a hand on either side of his face, pulling his mouth up against hers. Her tongue trailed lazily over the outline of his lips before prying them apart and slipping between them, dragging over his teeth slowly. His mouth opened more to give her better access and with a quiet whimper, Viv’s tongue slipped between his teeth, trailing lazily over his tongue, taking dominance of the kiss she’d just started.

Tim’s hands drifted down, away from her shoulders and down to her ass, squeezing, causing her to rock against the hefty bulge strained at his jeans. As the kiss broke and they pulled their mouths away from one another, he took a deep breath. Again, all he could do was stare at her in awe. He couldn’t get his mouth to work, couldn’t form words.

Tends to happen when everything you’ve ever really wanted just kind of presents itself to you out of the blue. Things were starting to click to place for him slowly, but he didn’t dare ask her if any of his suspicions were right.

She pressed against him more, baring down against the way the hefty bulge strained against his jeans. His fingers dug into her ass even more, rocking her back and forth over it and he leaned in, muttered against the shell of her ear, “That kiss… Were you trying to tell me something, darlin?” 

Viv paused, going still in his lap, eyes fixed on his lips again hungrily. She managed to stop staring at his lips to meet his gaze as she took his face in her hands and leaned in, just barely brushing her lips against his mouth as she answered, “You have no idea what you do to me.”

The hunger in her voice caught him totally off guard. Almost enough that when her mouth finally crashed against his, carefully and almost clumsily at first, with her pulling away slightly because it took a second or two for him to catch onto what was happening.

He caught her face in his hands, pulling her mouth against his own all over again. A hand left her cheek, slipping down her side, gripping her hip, fingertips digging in as the soft smack of their mouths meeting and the quiet mumbling and groaning filled the heavy silence between them. He could see her blushing and it had him chuckling quietly as he caressed her cheek just before deepening the kiss. “You blushin right now, darlin? Cute. Ya know,” he leaned in closer, catching her bottom lip between both of his, “you could always show me what I do to you. Because I think you know what you do to me.” guiding her core over the bulge strained almost painfully against his jeans. 

Her breath caught in her throat and his tongue slipped between her lips, dragging slowly over the outline of her teeth before slipping into her mouth, massaging her tongue lazily. Her hands caught in his hair, tugging at the back of his head, pulling his mouth in deeper as she continued to rock herself slowly over his lap. Hazel eyes fluttered open and shut as his hands dug into her hips and ass, squeezing, rocking her faster, pressing her against the hefty bulge until she was whimpering and her cunt was throbbing, her panties soaked and the insides of her thighs totally flooded. Her lips caught on his lower lip, tugging as he breathed out against her mouth, “If you wanna stop…”

“No. God no.” Viv panted as her mouth roamed down the side of his neck, latching onto skin, leaving behind marks. Tim bucked himself up into her, his hands kneading her ass as he took it all in. This was really happening.

Viv rocked herself against his thigh harder, baring down, getting wetter each and every single time she rubbed herself over it. Her cunt was throbbing, if she didn’t do something soon, she was going to lose her mind. She needed more friction. She wanted to rip his clothes off and sink down on his cock until he was buried completely inside her. Tim’s hands moved up her body, catching either side of her face in his hands, pulling her mouth against his all over again, greedily. A hand left her face, lowering between them, slipping up the insides of her thigh as he deepened the kiss to a point where they were breathing for and with each other. His teeth caught on her lip and he muttered shakily, “Me either… so we’re doing this…” as he gazed at her intently, waiting, holding his breath until he felt her press against him, her body molded to his and breathing into the heated kiss, “Oh, we’re definitely doing this.”

His hand moved higher up the inside of her thighs, cupping her cunt, rubbing the heel of his hand against it until she was squirming and shaky in his lap. His mouth broke from her mouth to move slowly down the side of her neck and he muttered into her skin quietly, “You know once we do this…” trailing off. Was he putting too much expectation on tonight? Her mumbled whisper against his mouth when she reached up and tilted his chin to make him meet her gaze had him reassured. “Everything changes. Finally.”

He blinked, a little shocked because not once in the entirety of their friendship had he once considered that maybe, she wanted him as much as he wanted her. The shock started to wear off, a devilish smirk tugging the corners of his mouth upward as he gently pushed her back flat against the couch, pressing himself down into her, his hips pinning her flat against the overstuffed cushions, the faint squeak of spring and leather joining the sound of the soft smack of their mouths meeting over and over again. He rose up, she sat up partially, gripping either side of the front of his shirt and pulling, sending a spray of flimsy sewn buttons scattering the room. Tugging the shirt off his arms, she tossed it over the back of the couch. Tim got her flat against the couch again, his hands going up the bottom of the pencil skirt she was wearing, slipping beneath the flimsy band of her underwear and tugging until they snapped in two quietly. He pulled them free from her body and tossed them onto the hardwood floor, turning his attention to the skirt still very much in his way. He pulled it down and she shook her feet to let it settle on the floor, gazing up at him hungrily. Her hand went to his jeans, unbuttoning the button and slowly pulling down the zipper.

Tim stood, letting his jeans and underwear hit the floor, kicking them free at the ankles, sinking back down onto the couch, positioning himself over her, pressing her into the cushions all over again, his mouth crashing against her mouth hungrily as he gripped both sides of her button up shirt and pulled it open, letting her raise up so he could take it off. Her bra was torn away next and during this, he didn’t break the kiss a single time, until there was nothing between the two of them left and it was skin against skin. 

"You're so fucking beautiful, princess." Tim muttered against her throat as his mouth strayed from hers. "Gonna make you feel so good, you know that right?"

"Mhm." Viv muttered as her eyes fluttered open and shut, the warmth of his tongue and the way his lips felt against her skin making her gasp, sending another wave of warm wetness to pool between her thighs. “You always do, Tim.” she panted as his mouth worked lower, trailing across the swell of her breasts, his hands all over her, gripping and squeezing and rubbing her against him. Each time she rubbed against him, she felt her cunt starting to throb harder with need. He was teasing her now and she realized this. It had her pouting up at him, too.

Tim's hand moved up the inside of her thighs and he growled quietly when his fingertips came away coated with her juices. Leaning down and pressing himself into her he muttered in a hushed tone, "Fuck, you're so wet for me already,princess." making her blush all over again under his lust filled gaze as he slipped his fingers between his lips, a lewd groan coming as the taste of her filled his mouth. 

“Tim, you’re teasing me.” Viv pouted up at him. Tim shook his head, leaning in, pressing himself against her and pinning her hips flat against the couch as he pinned her hands to either side of her head with his own and his mouth latched onto hers all over again. “I’m not.”

“You are.” Viv gasped, rocking herself against him. Tim’s teeth latched on her lower lip when he felt his cock slide between dripping folds, just to keep himself from growling out loud. “I told you, darlin. Not teasing you.” he groaned against her mouth as he started to bury his cock in her, slowly, inch for inch. He wanted her to feel every little bit of this. His grip on her body and the back of the couch tightened and he started to pound away, hard and slow, deep and steady thrusts that had the couch creaking quietly, the leather squealing quietly with every move they made on it. “You feel so good. Taking me so well.” Tim gasped against her neck as he started to fuck into her a little faster; not too fast though because he wanted this to last. He wanted to take his time and savor the moment. 

“C’mon, baby, faster. Harder. I’m not gonna break, Tim.” Viv nipped at his lips and neck hungrily, her mouth latching onto his, tugging at it, her tongue slipping past his lips as she continued to meet each deep and long and almost painfully slow drive into her aching cunt with her own thrusts upward, their hips smacking louder and louder. The closer she got to an orgasm, the more he slowed down until she was on the verge of tears, begging for it.

“Oh no, nope. We’re not in a hurry, doll.” Tim drawled lazily against her skin as he continued to drive into her deep, his cock brushing right against her G spot three or four times in a row, making the ache settled in her cunt triple. Viv was nearly seeing stars by now, and every other word that left her mouth was begging. More, harder, faster.

But deep down, she did appreciate the fact that he wasn’t just pounding away at her like she wanted. This was the man she’d fallen in love with as a teenager and that feeling had only grown so much stronger the more she got to know of him. She was so in love with him now that she knew she’d never find her way back. He liked to take his time. He liked making her feel good, whether it be right now, as a lover, or back then, as a best friend, when she’d have a shitty day and he’d come by her parents house with burgers from his dad’s restaurant and a stack of movies that he wasn’t crazy about but he knew she liked.

It was the little things with him.

She wound her fingers through his, eyes locked on his, almost blown away by the mixture of love and lust in his gaze. He chuckled quietly and slowed to an almost stop, pressing down into her more as he went totally still, giving her a deep and gentle kiss, his tongue trailing over earlier bruises left behind because of the intensity of their first kisses and he muttered after a second or two, “Everything alright, darlin?”

“Everything is perfect, Tim.” 

“It is, isn’t it?” Tim mumbled against her mouth as he started to fuck into her all over again, so much slower that it was almost torture….

#tim speedle fanfiction #tim speedle imagine #tim speedle fanfic #tim speedle fic #tim speedle imagines #//fourseasonsofsm*tselfchallenge #// tw: s*xual content #// tw: unprotected s*x #// tw: a cliffhanger ending hehe

[rebelwith0utacause]

re: triggers. I don’t think most people expect to live in a bubble but instead to curate a space on here. If people do tag triggers, they know it’s at least a bit safer for them to follow that blog. For me, it’s really dependent on the day, some days it’s an uncomfortable thing to look at triggers but other days it’s the difference between a panic attack. I’ve always viewed them as a courtesy, regardless of effectivity, the time used to tag is negligible to me but invaluable for someone else

I’m adding everything below the line because I think some people aren’t ready to read this but also don’t want to add tws because there are others who need to have the option to see it.

So I read your ask and decided to take a shower and get my thoughts somewhat together in order to get the best response out. Instead, my mind went a mile a minute in all directions, but that’s nothing new.

Let me preface this by saying I understand that not every trauma is the same, same as how not every person reacts or copes with trauma the same. This isn’t me trying to say that not everyone’s struggle isn’t valid, it’s just my way of reaching out, giving a helping hand and a bit of food for thought for coping.

I keep saying I was raised differently because it’s the truth, might be European but I definitely don’t share the same values as most Europeans (or the image the world has about Europe, which is basically the UK and France). Here things are done differently, tws are almost nonexistent, to an extent you’re considered a lesser human being if you have (so many) triggers, and I’m not saying that this is good. Compassion is rare and understanding even rarer, more often than not, we’re left to our own devices and we can either sink or swim.

But then you have western civilization that comes labeled and prepackaged, where everything is written in fine print, everything is valid, everything is marketed so well that you have no other choice but to believe the seller. I’ve also had the opportunity to experience this, so I know a fair share of how this machinery works too.

I’m always trying to find a balance between the two, because it’s not the Dark Ages, but life also isn’t meant to be so sterile (or portrayed as sterile but I’ll get to that later). And this is where trigger warnings come into play.

We’ve all experienced trauma, either small or big. I won’t bore you with mine, but I can tell you that I’m not immune to triggers. It’s true that I seemingly don’t have them, and if you asked me a couple of hours ago I would’ve said that I don’t have them at all, but upon reflection, mine are just emotional and circumstantial. I don’t get a panic attack from words or images, but I might spiral down from a feeling that a situation might cause (like, say, a sudden right turn in a vehicle or as was the case a few days ago, feeling like my support system is being dismantled, I like my balance, alright?). These are all things I can’t help but fear, but I can learn to cope with them and lessen my reaction to them over time.

But enough about me, the whole reason I started questioning the tws in the first place was because of the overwhelming reaction people on the internet had of the prospect of Ashton’s video/song coming out. I’m talking people literally screaming ‘NO’ but also not wanting to be left out. And this makes me so sad, not because of Ashton or because his work might flop, but because they are missing the whole point of his song. Yes, it’s definitely his way of coping (I don’t buy that bs that it’s only about Harry, like... entering the industry at the fragile age of 18 can cause all sorts of trauma), but it’s also his way of helping other people cope, telling them that their struggle is valid but it can get better if you only allow yourself to get better. By putting a tw on it, it’s not reaching the people it’s supposed to reach, but also, the prospect of knowing that there’s a song about BD but not really hearing it is only leading your brain into thinking about BD, but without the educational guidance the song would provide. I hope I’m making sense here, like you’ll just overthink and reopen old wounds, which will lead you to feel worse about yourself. You can’t unlearn this information, same as how you can’t put a tw on the news that Ashton is releasing a new song.  

I made the parallel between the civilizations because my brain went on a different tangent that may or may not be related to coping mechanisms. Whenever I’m made aware of the difference between both worlds I can’t help but think of The Time Machine by H. G. Wells. Definitely a good read (if you haven’t read it already), but my focus was on the Eloi as a concept. It’s alarming how it translates to modern-day society. For reference, the Eloi were descendants of humans, a species that evolved from (what I gathered as) first-world society, and to fit my narrative, I’m gonna say Western civilization. They had access to everything because of their wealth, from education to food to leisure activities, but they always chose the shorter path or should I say the easier path. They chose to be sheltered from the growingly disproportionate world around them, to the point where they were living under the illusion that everything is alright and they could roam free as long as the sun was shining. They were also scared shitless of the dark because that’s when the Morlocks came out of their tunnels and preyed upon them. Morlocks were another descendant of humans, evolving from the working class and the poor which were pushed to live in the tunnels to cater to the needs of the Eloi.

Now take my short recap as the Eloi being people with trauma and the Morlocks being the trauma itself. Is living in constant fear of the dark really what you want? Or is that something society tells you is okay because there’s nothing you can do about it, so you should stay that way? And what exactly does society get out of telling you that trauma is irreparable? 

This is what I meant by the world being portrayed as too sterile. It just can’t be, we’re not the ones who decide what’s gonna happen, so we shouldn’t be disillusioned that it’s up to us. Tws are there to help you in the moment, but they aren’t a coping mechanism. They’re just a veil we put over things to make them look blurry and to give them a less scary filter so that we can forget they exist. 

And this is what I meant when I said that not every trauma is the same. It comes in different degrees, but it also comes from different irritants. Not everything is because the world was mean to us, sometimes we were mean to ourselves, and we need to learn to love ourselves in order to cope. This is where, in my opinion, tws are counterproductive. Turning a blind eye on what we do to ourselves and romanticizing trauma and martyrdom is only gonna make it worse. 

Before people say I’ve gone crazy in saying this, let me just remind you that I lived through emo szn (I only caught the ends of it, it was mostly the era of ppl born in the late 80s) where self-harm was the norm and trendy and as a person with too many issues with the image of me in my head, I found it appalling that people thought that having scars was helping them. Like... reading fanfics back then, they were FILLED with mentions of self-harm. Say what you will but pop-punk/emo as a genre helped kids feel more understood, but it also popularised physical pain as a way of dealing with trauma, no matter the degree or the outcome.

There’s a prevalent theme in every generation, I think there might be a science behind it all, but it’s almost like there’s depression lurking in the background, but there’s a trend every 5-10 years or so in how we choose to manifest it; self-harm, EDs, drugs, alcohol, adrenaline, violence. Understanding this might help us understand that there’s a root to our trauma, and if we manage to kill it off, we might defeat it. But by adding tws, we’ll never get to this conclusion. We’ll just let society run us over and let us feel like shit.

Did any of this make any sense? Probably not. I’ve been writing this for a few hours now. 

My main advice is to get to know ourselves, to learn what really makes us tick. Introspection can help in finding out which trauma we can deal with, and which one needs to be left on the back burner for a bit. The lesser ones we can cope with one step at a time, until we’re out of the prangs of fear, and we can look back and say “I used to be scared of you, but I no longer am. You hurt me, but you no longer do.” 

Please think twice before relying on a tw. 

As for my blog, I don’t think I’ll tag too many tws, not because I don’t care about your wellbeing, but because I am not an organized person no matter how much I try to be. I also try to steer clear from things that might generally be considered triggering, but you’ll have to believe in my judgment of what’s acceptable or not. If that’s not something you can do, I totally understand if you unfollow me. 

Last piece of advice coming from a person that was just another cog in the marketing industry: Don’t fall for everything that’s been sold to you. You don’t have to do anything online. Something you saw on a blog makes you feel bad? Unfollow it. An event you read about in the news is triggering? Shut your computer down. A social media platform is making you feel like shit because the users are shit? Deactivate asap. Remember that information comes to you in binary code, and at the end of the day, that’s how you should treat everything that you consume online, even tho I might be a person on my side of the screen. Life is much more spicier and colorful when you’re out there in the real world, don’t let the overload of information coming from the virtual world stop you from feeling alive. 

#sorry this is so long #i just realized that i braindumped a lot on this ask #don't know if it even makes sense now but at least you'll get to know me a bit more lol #have yourself a great day/night wherever you are #user in incognito mode #asks

[eyes-of-fanfiction-green]

Shutting Down Part 4

Dean x reader

!! PART 1 here !!

!! PART 2 here !!

!! PART 3 here !!

!! PART 5 here!!

Summary: after a fight with the reader, Dean wakes up in another woman’s bed the next morning. Now the Reader and Dean must deal with the consequences.

Warnings: Suicidal Thoughts (honestly not that vivid), panic attacks, anxiety, everyone is panicking! Also depictions of violence.

A/N: hehehehe

“Sam?”

“[Y/N]! Oh my god, thank goodness you picked up! Look, I know you and Dean-“

“Sam, Dean didn’t cheat on me.” You sobbed into the phone before the panic in Sam’s voice registered in your brain. “Wait. Sam, what’s wrong?”

You felt your blood turn to ice under your skin the more Sam told you what was going on. The note, the suicide hunt, Sam tracking Dean’s phone’s GPS, how you were only an hour away from him while Sam two. You felt as though your brain was overloading with emotion and you began sprinting towards your car, bus be damned, while Sam gave you directions to the forest that Dean was hunting in.

Within minutes, you were screeching down the road in your car.

“This can’t be happening; this can’t be happening.”

Your tears had been replaced by panic and you could feel your heart pounding into your ribs. There was a constant tremor in your hands as you gripped the steering wheel much too tightly, and blood roared in your ears.

“I am so sorry, Dean. Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” There was an overwhelming guilt laying on your chest. You should have known Dean would have done something like this. His self-sacrificing self-destructing nature was beginning to become predictable. How had you not seen this coming?

-------------------------------------

Dean continued trudging through the forest, slowly, as though his energy was being drained out with every mile. The muddy ground was sucking into his boots with every step, making a sickening POP sound echo into the trees.

He hadn’t really thought this through very well.

It was a five-mile hike to get to, roughly, where he thought the vamp nest would be, and clearly he wasn’t as unexhausted as he’d previously thought. To say the hike was slow-going was an understatement.

----------------------------------------

Sam pressed the gas pedal to floor as he reached another open stretch of road, only fifty more miles till he made it to Dean’s location, already far closer than a normal driving speed would have allowed.

He startled slightly when his phone began ringing, yanking him out of his panicked daze.

“Yes??”

“Sam, hey boy. H-“

Sam swerved quickly around a small squirrel family in the road, yanking on the steering wheel breathlessly, “Bobby! I can’t talk right now! I have to get to Dean, and I’m so far behind, I’m probably already too late, and oh my god-“

“Sam!” Bobby’s alarmed voice cut through the wave of shock in his mind. Sam felt his breathing speed up more than it already was and he was pretty sure a damn was going to break soon. “Take a breath and tell me right now what the hell is going on.”

Sam tried taking a breath, he really did. But his throat was constricting, and his lungs were frozen. Black dots were closing in the corners of his vision and he lost control momentarily of the car before pulling over to the side of the road, yanking the door open and losing his breakfast on the pavement.

He was vaguely aware of Bobby’s deep voice calmly telling him to breathe from the phone still in his hand. But the ringing in his ears wouldn’t go away and his stomach was still expelling its contents, and all Sam could think of was how his brother was probably laying dead in some random forest in Buttfuck Nowhere, Indiana his face pale and his eyes unblinking…and oh my god!

He started chocking on his vomit and Bobby’s voice rose sharply to his ears in urgency. “Sam! Breathe, damnit! You can’t help Dean if you’re like this.”

And just like that, the ringing in his ears faded and his lungs started loosening up.

“Good, now tell me what happened.”

---------------------------

You whipped the car into park next to the trail’s opening. Praying to god that this was the one Dean had taken into the forest.

Racing to the trunk of the car, you whipped out a shotgun with silver and salt rounds and slid a machete into your belt. That should about cover it, whatever it is that Dean came to hunt here in the first place.

You took off down the trail at a full sprint, adrenaline rushing through your blood and giving your legs a much-needed boost.

For some reason you managed to have the good presence to text Sam that you had made it before heading off into the “no cell service” zone.

You had had three panic attacks on the way over here and there was still a vomit taste in your mouth, but somehow you had managed to force yourself back into the hunter mindset of calm precision.

Panicking wasn’t going to help Dean.

That was the only thought keeping you from having a mental breakdown right now as your boots pounded down the muddied trail.

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

You knew this was all your fault, but for Dean’s sake you refused to let yourself dwell on it. Later. After Dean was safe. And in your arms. Then you could feel guilty.

But not right now.

Go.

Go.

Go!

-------------------------------------

Dean squinted around the tree he was hiding behind at the lone cabin nearby.

He knew he should come up with a game plan. Take out as many vamps as possible. But he was just so…tired.

He was trying not to think of the full repercussions of what he was about to do. He knew Sammy would be devasted but… this would protect him, maybe even let him move on to a normal life. Yeah. Yeah, that sounded good.

And [Y/N]…. [Y/N] probably wouldn’t even find out, and if she did…probably wouldn’t even care.

Dean let that barb sink in to his heart with a painful stab, eyes blinking away tears. “Alright. Let’s get this over with.”

Stepping out from behind the trees, he made his way quietly towards the sleeping cabin. This was it. Goodnight Vienna.

He carefully opened the creaking backdoor, just starting to peer inside when a large log connected with the back of his head.

CRACK!

--------------------------------------

After a few minutes Sam was back on the road, flying full force once again. Bobby had calmed him down, [Y/N] had sent him a text that she was already there, everything was going to be fine.

The miles flew by as he kept muttering to himself over and over in a constant mantra:

“Dean will be fine.”

“Dean will be fine.”

“D-Dean will be fine.”

---------------------------------------

Dean’s eyes glazed over for a moment as the blow knocked him to the ground, but he quickly shook himself and rolled before the vamp could get another hit in.

He wanted to die, sure.

But he was also planning on killing a few of the fuckers first.

Dean grabbed his machete and scrambled to his feet, ducking another blow. Just as he chopped off the vamps head, two more came running around the side of the building, and one from inside the cabin behind him grabbed his arms in a hold.

They got three solid hits in before one of them bared his teeth, preparing for a bite to his neck. Quickly, he flipped the vamp holding him over his shoulder, taking his head off a moment later.

His vision was still blurring from the blow to the head, and his stomach was cramping from the punches, but he kept his head up as four more vamps appeared out of nowhere, joining the two still in front of him.

Then he was hacking and there was blood spurting and he was taking blows to his…everything. But it only took a couple minutes and two more dead vamps before Dean was being held down on his back, facing up at four very hungry vampires who were leering down at him.

“Boys…let’s eat.”

And oh, was there pain.

Four toothy jaws clamped down on his arms and stomach, his legs and shoulders. The pain burned through his body as he felt himself being drained dry.

And he loved it.

Black was clouding his vision and the noise around him was starting to fade. This was it. Finally. Peace.

The head vamp sat up for a moment and grinned at him. He licked his blood-covered lips and gave him wink. Then, almost as if in slow motion, he watched the vampire’s teeth descend towards his jugular.

And then there was nothing but white.

.

.

.

“DEAN!”

——————————————————————————————————

PART 5 FINALE HERE

@supernatural13-13 @tftumblin @deans-baby-momma @deanwinchesterandpie @sasbb23 @itsjaybro16 @winchester-writes

Let me know if you want to be added to my tag list for the last part!!!

ALSO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! I LOVE FEEDBACK!

#supernatural imagine #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural #dean #dean winchester #dean x reader #non-gendered reader #hunter reader imagine #hunter!reader #dean winchester x reader #sam #sam winchester #bobby singer #angst #dean winchester angst #suicidal dean winchester #suicidal dean #panic attack #hurt dean winchester #dean whump #dean whumpage #injured dean winchester #cheating dean #cheating dean winchester #injured dean #fanfic #spn fanfic #supernatural writings #imagines #reader has a panic attack

[vespertine-legacy]

As I said, I have A Problem, and I made a Watcher Two|Keeper|Shara Jenn playlist. Information about the playlist in general and the tracks below the cut.

Apologies if you’re looking at this on mobile; I found out with my description of my Lana playlist that the formatting gets fucked on mobile, so hopefully it’s at least navigable.

This playlist was compiled with Watcher Two|Keeper|Shara Jenn/Female Imperial Agent|Cipher Nine (OC: Vero’razimiri’vosis aka “Raz”) heavily in mind. Frankly, it was a travesty and a crime that my Raz could not romance her. Also, yes, I will forever and always call her Watcher Two probably, because that’s just how she kind of got stuck in my mind, and because I have adorable tags for her (like “#watcher two where are you” for all the damn times that it would be like “Go to Intelligence HQ and see Watcher Two,” you get there and someone tells you “sorry, she’s busy, you can’t see her,” and “#watcher two i love you” which should be obvious. I may or may not sing those tags to the Scooby Doo theme song; you are not allowed to judge me for that here in my own house).

Without further ado, the tracks:

I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

[Are you kidding me, Watcher Two would follow Raz anywhere (figuratively, at least - she can’t really leave her station much, but she is only a holocall away and following Raz as best she can through the metaphorical and literal dark on every camera and satellite she can slice)]

Hardliners - Holcombe Waller

Now don't laugh 'cause I just might be The soft curve in your hardline There's no doubt that you are mine, babe There's no doubt that you are mine

[“I don’t get close to my agents, they tend to die on me.” Yeah, okay, Watcher Two, you tell yourself that. We all believe you.]

Nobody Does it Better - Carly Simon

I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found me It tried to hide from your love light But like heaven above me The spy who loved me Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight

[Watcher Two opens herself up to friendship with Raz while the Cipher Agent takes down the terror cell on Balmorra, and doesn’t even realize she’s open to it being more than that until it is too late (but she’s not going to tell Cipher Nine that]

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps - Cake

So if you really love me, say yes But if you don't, dear, confess And please don't tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

[Yeah, this one is Raz to Watcher Two. Maybe after fighting Jadus. She gets it - it’s dangerous for someone in their positions to have too many attachments that can be used against them, but still, just say it.]

Love me Like You Do - Kurt Hugo Schneider, Madilyn Bailey, MAX (cover)

What are you waiting for? Fading in, fading out On the edge of paradise Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I've gotta find Only you can set my heart on fire

[Fantasizing (・ω<)]

I Summon You - Spoon

All that you can give is a cold goodbye The law enforcement's impressed you've survived to this age Strapped-up soldiers They'll lock you in a cage without a goodbye

[Why Watcher Two can’t just say it. Not only is she too Imperial/British, she’s worried about the consequences for her Cipher.]

Chameleon Boy - Blue October

Stand by for another break down. Sound off the alarm. Is this the chameleon boy I swore I wouldn't become? So now we've come upon the hardest thing I've ever done. It's telling you that I'm a mess. What sort of mess I mean is self destructive gasoline... The kind that strips you of your best. While I play instead... The way that most would end up dead. You sleep alone at home and wish that I were in our bed. With this I'm telling you my color changes back to blue... How do I ask you this? Will you help me through?

[Another from Raz to Watcher Two. Being a double agent is hard on Raz, and they both know it. The “my color changes back to blue” line is possibly supposed to be a bad thing, but in this context, it’s good. Raz is becoming herself again (come on, she’s Chiss, she’s literally blue), it’s Raz finally being able to fully shed the “defector” cover. “It feels good to be Imperial again” - “You were always one of us.”]

Winter - Joshua Radin

Your voice is all I hear somehow Calling out winter Your name is the splinter inside me While I wait [Just in general because names are so important and change so often in this storyline.]

Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez

One night to be confused One night to speed up truth We had a promise made Four hands and then away

[Has there ever been a time when Raz had a full night to recover from a mission, and actually got to see Watcher Two, for them to have spent a night together?]

One More Night - Stars

When she's breaking his heart she still fucks like a tease Release to the sky, look him straight in the eye

[Look, I’m gonna be real with you. Raz got a fade-to-black with Vector, and I feel like there’s no way that Watcher Two didn’t know about it. Raz doesn’t actually have feelings for Vector, but he made advances at a time when she was just having a lot of feelings in general that she wasn’t letting herself deal with, so they banged. She fixed things later, but it wasn’t a good thing for Vector or for Watcher Two (or for Raz, honestly).]

Polaris - Jimmy Eat World

You say that love goes anywhere In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there When you go, I'll let you be But you're killing everything in me

[Watcher Two has feelings after sending Raz off to become a double agent.]

Think I’m In Love - Beck

I think I'm in love But it makes me kinda nervous to say so What if it's wrong?

[Well, duh.]

How’s It Going to Be - Third Eye Blind

I wonder is there anything I'm going to miss I wonder how it's going to be When you don't know me How's it going to be When you're sure I'm not there

[Hi, I hurt myself again and imagined that she was still fully aware but just locked-in while the damn holoconference was overloading her brain. You’re welcome.]

Nicole - Hotel Books

I think I'm losing you, but I will never regret choosing you Because I am in love, and for now that will be enough And the ones around me convince me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope But now I know even after you began to let your emotions slow the only reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never going to let go

[Raz, while Watcher Two|Keeper is comatose.]

Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace

I'm waiting for this sky to fall I'm waiting for a sign

[This one is Raz. The Wellspring on Voss did some things she didn’t expect. It’s more hopeful than it might sound.]

Desperately Wanting - Better Than Ezra

Take back your life and let me inside We'll find the door if you care to anymore

[Corellia. The distortion on the voice isn’t enough. Raz’s heart knows that voice.]

Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I will never let you fall I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all Even if saving you sends me to heaven

[Corellia. They both know the plan is terrible, but it’s all they have, and Raz will do anything for her.]

Demons - Kurt Hugo Schneider, Sam Tsui, MAX (cover)

Your eyes, they shine so bright I want to save their light I can't escape this now Unless you show me how

[Getting ready to take down the Star Cabal, babey. The Minister can get fuckt, but Watcher Two and Raz have got each other.]

Tell Her This - Del Amitri

Tell her what was wrong I sometimes think too much But say nothing at all

[If this isn’t our Watcher Two, I don’t know what is.]

Hey Ya! - The Blanks (cover)  no I will not apologize for including this song don’t even @ me

My baby don't mess around 'Cause she loves me so This I know fo sho!

[Raz is a goddamn dork, can you imagine her damn face when Watcher Two finally actually says the words “I love you” out loud?]

Songs I was going to include but they aren’t on spotify:

Snakes & Ladders - Basia Bulat

When only you could be the one To win out over me, When it isn't just a game; i's the way we come undone

In My Lady’s House - Iron & Wine

There is light in my lady's house And there's none but some falling rain This like a spoken word She is more than her thousand names

#swtor #imperial agent #swtor oc raz #watcher two #watcher two i love you #shara jenn #swtor playlist #indulge my problem please

[intelligentautisticmedia-blog]

Autistic Community Manifesto Part 1: Us Autistics Chapter 1: Autistic Brotherhood by Charles McIntyre

Prelude: 

Greetings fellow Autistics, I am Charles McIntyre, I am 26 and was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Autism) when I was 4. My greatest strengths are Hyper Empathy, being analytical, seeing details and patterns others miss and word-smithing.

My greatest struggles are connecting with people, executive dysfunction, SPD, CAPD. I officially formed the group Call "Intelligent Autistic Media" in April 2017. Our mission statement is to spread 1. Autistic Pride 2.) Encourage and instruct Autistic Self Advocacy 3.) Defeat Anti-Autistic stigma and myths, 4.) Encourage and instruct NT Ally ship 5.) Improve the lives of Autistics and their families as much as possible.

               I run this Facebook Group has at this about 380 members and we have been active for almost a year. We are an okay group, but I have not been as a successful leader as would like to be. I believe this to be because I my struggles with struggles with executive dysfunction and my inability to connect to people in an effective and consistently. In short, I am more a creative, ambitious visionary, than a leader and organizer.

So, I decided to write this sort of "Manifesto of Campaigns" as way to offer up a list of campaigns and initiatives I believe could elevate the status of the Autistic Community and solve some of our problems. It is hope that this manifesto will inspire various members of the community to time, resources, and talents to execute the fore mentioned project and initiatives. I feel like success hinges on ability to organize and mobilize. With our collaboration and unity can we ever hope to overcome NT supremacy. I am not sure if everybody will agree to all my ideas, but I am throwing them out there regardless. If you do find ideas appealing, please contact me. I hope to set up some collaborations.  If you have any constructive criticisms, please elaborate. If you don’t have anything of meaning to add please ignore and scroll pass.

 Part 1: Us Autistic Chapter 1: Autistic Brotherhood 

Now, as were particularly diverse demographic of exceedingly unique individuals, unification is of   course easier said than done.  I would propose constitution or a share list of demands. As often have embracive personalities and none of us like to walk on eggshells we try to be patient with each other as much as we and agree to interact with a shared written code of ethics or social guidelines

Here is an example of such a code: 1.) If you are not of groups demographic stay in your lane. Ie don't talk about something that you don't understand. 2.) If you post something covers anything that may cause someone a panic attack or extreme discomfort; ie Sexual assault, violence, bigotry ect... ad a Trigger warning. 3.) If you post anything that has possible uncomfortable subject matter or contents; ie swearing, sex, sensory issues ect ad a content warning. 4.) Do not use sarcasm or hyperbole or otherwise confusing language.  5.) While in debate or disagreement do not assume hostility unless it is blatant. You maybe projecting or overthinking. Try asking the other person to clarify.  6.) Try to stay on topic with the post while commenting. 7.) If you see a post or comment that upsets you or that you disagree with scroll past it unless you deem it necessary.  8.) When engaging in a debate be polite and avoid using vulgar language or name calling.  9.) Walk away from an argument if it gets to heated. 10.) If someone does not want to argue, don't drag them back into thread by tagging them. This is harassment. 11.) Do not play mind games or gaslight. This is harassment. 12.) Conversing with multiple people use tags to distinguish to whom you speak.

  First and foremost, though, we must spread Autistic Pride and self-love. I did not want to admit to having any connection to my fellow Autistics until I was able to accept my own Autism. Even now sometimes I get discouraged and wish I was different. I think Autistic self-defecation should thought as virus that we must try to remedy as soon as possible lest it spread through toxic interaction. This does not we shove pride down are fellow Autistics’ throats, but we must always strive to encourage and uplifting whenever possible.  This again would require us to mutually patient with each other.

One idea I have for unification is reject any ideas that we can be or should be Neuro-typical. We shall not try to be what are not. In do this we should reject Neuro-typical social customs viewpoints. We should instead develop our own Autistic social customs and viewpoints. Thus, establishing Autistic social culture.

 As we all know functioning labels divide, silence and stigmatize people across the autistic community. The simplest fly, generalize, and stereotype the experiences of all autistic people. We must never let the neuro- typicals force them on us nor any other autistic. At the same time however, we must be sensitive to the two different ways autistic people struggle. We must never imagine that our experience with autism the same as anyone else’s experience with lot. To demonstrate this point, I’m going to exemplify to members of the autistic community with very different forms of autism without relying on functioning labels.

               Many of us know of John Elder Robinson. He is the author of such books as “look me in the eye”, “be different” and others. In both books, he talks about his struggles and talents. Some of his struggles include sensory processing disorder, social ineptness, aversion to eye contact and possibly executive dysfunction. There is natural engineering talents and creativity, he was able to leave home, find employment, incomplete independence, at age 16. (He also grew up in a different time).

 This contrasts with the experiences of Carly Fleishman. Carly, who is a brilliant young woman, is a brilliant writer, and has developed quite the charming TV personality has struggles and talents very different to Mr. Robinson. In the memoir she wrote with her father Arthur Fleischman; “Finding Carly’s Voice” Carly is described as being nonverbal, having episodes of intense sensory overload, as well as experiencing more extreme meltdowns and coping with more prominent stemming. Throughout her early in adolescent years Carly has been sent to live in a variety of institutions designed for people with her type of autism. Before she learned to effectively type, or diagnosis also included intellectual impairment. She has recently been nominated for a reward called a “Shorty”, but I am uncertain if she has managed to live independent yet.

Essentially what I’m saying is, we must give recognition to struggles and talents of the Carly Fleishman’s, the John Elder Robinson’s, the Naoki  Higashida’s, Stephen Wiltshire’s and everyone else in between in the autistic spectrum. It might be most convenient, we mapped out different types of autistic. This way be as crude was insensitive as functioning labels but would be more like 16 personality types. It would provide some symbolic shorthand to understand the person struggle and strength, without knowing everything about that person.

                 If we do not commit ourselves to encouraging self-advocacy and union ship in cooperation with people throughout different autism types, if we say, “oh yes, I am autistic, but I don’t want to be associated with these autistics, because I’m not freak like them,” then we are not really better than those neuro- typical bigots alienate, and discriminate against us. We autistics are also all we have. We must be inclusive as possible to maximize our numbers. If we cannot be inclusive to towards our own people how can we expect neuro- typicals to be inclusive towards us?

                 Once we have figured out way to bring empowerment, self-love and pride to people across the spectrum must also remember to be intersectional. Intersectional means that while we focus on autistic issues, make ourselves aware that people with identities other than autistic marginalized in different ways and therefore may have different struggles. To illustrate example, I once got accosted with a police officer because he suspected me of smoking cannabis at a town dance. The truth is my eyes were red because I was crying. I couldn’t look him in the eye, because I am in fact autistic and my ability to look people in the eye diminishes as I get more nervous. He thought I was lying in my have arrested me of his partner had pulled him away as he pulled away he shouted, “if you’re lying to me 10 times worse!” Now this was not my only encounter with police. Not my only misunderstanding. It is very common for autistic people to have some dealings police either as a victim or as a suspect. As we are autistic, it can be difficult to be out how to figure these situations and police sir severely under trained to understand or accommodate autistic people. While this incident was fortunate, I will tell you, that would ruin been worse if I were Black. Police tend to unjustly patrol black neighborhoods more and act more hostile towards people of color. If I had been black is much more possible that I would have been arrested and/or beaten by the police. Being intersectional means that we are sensitive to such issues of extra vulnerability to autistics who have extra vulnerability due to belonging to another marginalized demographic.

                 Being intersectional means that as leaders we do not let the members of our community indulge in any form of bigotry. Mustn’t allow any; racism, six them/misogyny, homophobia, trans-phobia, ablism, Islam phobia, anti-Semitism, classism or any other form of bigotry. (If we criticize any creed or religion we must be careful not to act discriminatory against all the members of that said creed or religion. For example: is perfectly fine to criticize Christianity and other religions for things that homophobia, trans-phobia, misogyny, racism and ablism Etc. but we cannot take this out on a random Christian. We should be accepting of people of differing creed identities under the condition that they are accepting of people different identities as well. Again, if we are not willing to be accepting of people from demographics that are different from us, if we indulge ourselves in bigotry, we are no different than those neuro- typical bigots that alienate discriminate against us.

                 Once we formed an all-inclusive and all accepting that all intersectional, autistic community we must strengthen it. We need people to feel pride. To do this we must remind people that autism is a pervasive condition meeting affects every aspect of a person. This means that while your struggles are because autism strengths and talents and expertise is also thanks to autism. We must also remind those autistics who have not found self-acceptance, of those autistics across the spectrum are found major success. Again, self-pride is necessary to push one’s self forward on a tough road ahead.

It will also be important for autistics to be experts in autism. We must do this to best understand ourselves and spread awareness to others. Also, I want us all to be old to really drive it home to those neuro- typicals who believe they understand autism better in anyone else that we are the ultimate experts. And we understand autism in ways that no one else can possibly can.

 One of the most important things for everyone in the autistic community to know how to do is self-allocate. I will go over this in more detail in a future chapter. It should go without saying that is a tool that carves our path to self-empowerment and control of our own destiny. Self-efficacy is something that autistic children should learn from an early age. We must never allow members of her community to be apologetic for being autistic.

One interesting person has memorized the basics of self-advocacy, they are ready to graduate to social political activism for the entire autistic community. I will also go into more detail on such ideas in a later chapter. Basically, we must make sure people the autistic community are aware of the political and activism tools out their disposal. We must help make sure members over community are aware of how they are being marginalized and how their community the daily subject of social political discussion whether they like to acknowledge it or not. A shocking number of autistics seem to be oblivious facts. Thing to consider is while autism can make it difficult to stand up for oneself against an oppressor, we all must learn to do so.

 This has been chapter 1 of my autism community manifesto. And I discussed basic folkways autistics should apply to themselves to get along with the community, how to make sure the community stays all-inclusive and intersectional, how people in the community should be proud aware of their own autism now they should learn how to self-advocate and eventually politically activate for the community. I hope you found it useful so far or at least provocative. Next chapter will discuss stuff out is the and social political activism in greater detail. Until then, this has been Charles McIntyre, power and peace to the community!

#Autistics #autism #autistic culture #autistic pride #autism self advocacy