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roxineedstosleep · 3 months

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Could you do a snippet for yandere platonic Batfam where reader accidentally gets hurt and is able to hide it for a few days until someone (May be Dick?) finds it and asks / gets upset about it? Love your writing!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Hi there!!!

First of all: Thank you sweetie!

It's been a while since I've written, mostly because of the university, I'm about to graduate and I'm crazy because I'm approaching my final exams (I even have to defend my research work to be able to get my bachelor's degree)!

But, I got to thinking a bit about what you have written above… and even more so because I myself am a little bit crashed after my last film shoot for my final year of my degree. And can I just say that being in a bad way and having to hide it is terrible.

So… here goes!

(I'm sorry if I sound a bit comical in this writing, but I think the best way to get over something is to laugh at yourself a bit so you don't think about the pain too much; I hope you enjoy it anyway.)

Disclaimer: I don't know if you've noticed, but English is not my native/mother tongue. Occasionally, when I think too much, I write them in my language and then translate it in a trusted translator. So, if there's a grammatical problem or a strange term, it's the translator's fault.

Let's face it… having a large family is terribly exhausting.

It's never quiet enough, everyone is in everyone else's business, you can't leave your favorite mermelade in the fridge for less than a day. Someone is always occupying the bathroom or using your favorite shampoo or watching something on TV at too much volume and someone is probably occupying your bed at nap time.

Did I mention about meddling too much in other people's business? Yes? Well… triple it.

Having multiple siblings was new.

Having multiple siblings, a father and a butler/grandfather isn't exactly bread and butter either.

It wouldn't be so bad to belong to a large and numerous one if it was your blood family and you had lived with them all your life. I mean, sometimes blood is too thick and you have no choice but to learn to love them or just be nice to each other.

Like I said, it wouldn't be so bad if they were really your family.

But the Waynes were not your family. Not distant relatives or anything like that.

You were just living your life, as quietly as possible… and poof!

New room, new butler/grandfather, pets beyond belief, 4 new male siblings and a father with serious emotional constipation issues. And, to add more salt to your wound…. all have serious abandonment issues and death-related trauma.

After several escape attempts, sleep strikes, hunger strikes and any other kind of protest that an anarchist could be proud of… you realized that it was simply impossible to get out of this without risking the path of death.

Which, to top it all off, was also unreliable because apparently your older brother Jason had revived as well as another of your siblings. So no, dying was also not a viable option to which one could resort in the worst case scenario.

What to do?

Well, not much. Trying not to die of suffocation of affection or finding a way to have privacy while going to the bathroom just seemed to be the best survival tools you could resort to.

What does that entail?

It implies that Tim was going to give you hours and hours of lectures on his latest discovery of a case, even if you don't understand half the things he's told you or mentioned at all.

Richard and Damian trying to teach you new tricks almost every second, taking you to the Zoo or not leaving you alone to go to the bathroom.

That Jason, oh holy cow he is the only one more relaxed, takes you with him on his motorcycle to eat ice cream and to the public library. Without being able to scape, because it seems that you have a kind of GPS inserted in the bone marrow.

(Sometimes you don't know if it's true or not, but sometimes you also felt pain between your bones, almost during the cold seasons, and you didn't want to burst your poor little head thinking of different viable possibilities knowing them. No scars, no remembering anythins about any surgery).

Have a grandfather who will not hesitate to make you cookies, your favorite foods whenever you want … without leaving you aside at any time.

Plus a terribly quiet father, who if he can will carry you for as long as you spend time together, won't let you near the secret basement and enjoys being in the same room with you.

Do you see any privacy in this?

No, because even at the bathroom door would be the pets trying to get in and see you for themselves while you want to do your business.

The worst of that? Titus always judge you when you close the curtains.

As I mentioned and it was clear: Having a large family implies little privacy… Having a large, obsessive family means NO privacy.

So, knowing that you have over 50 nanochips tracking in all your clothes, two security monitors embedded - God knows how - in your body (monitors that only tell you if you are in designated safe place), 20 high definition surveillance cameras in every room and a Great Dane chasing you like a chick …. How the heck do you fall down the stairs and hit your pelvic bone without anyone noticing?

No kidding, how?

And if you had to blame someone for your fall… you'd totally blame Damian for it.

It's not that the kid pushed you down the stairs, but over time he had tamed himself into various things and relaxed into looking his age. You know!!! He started acting like a normal teenager!

What do Damian's kids do at his age? Well, they leave things lying around and have messing around them when they can, of course they do!

You just wanted some yogurt with orange marmalade. Maybe some oatmeal cookies. Alfred had left it for you in the fridge when he noticed you'd been watching video tutorials on homemade marmalade for hours. Who were you to deny such a gesture of generosity?

I mean, Alfred was the one who allowed you to hide in the attic for hours on end so you could have some time to yourself.

And how did it end? You, slipping down the main stairs of the old Wayne mansion, down a nicely polished wooden staircase, rolling all the way down (which is no small flight of stairs, it should be noted) to the bottom of the first floor.

Now, lying on the ground is not so bad in itself. What is bad is not being able to feel your legs and still not being able to understand how you manage to tidy up your neural wiring so that your legs can still move on their own and go to the kitchen to rescue all the delicacies Alfred left you in time.

And it's a good thing you managed to do it… because within seconds Bart had rushed in to ransack the fridge and the fruit basket.

But that's not the point.

The important thing is that this time you managed, I insist a little on the feat of action, to climb up to your room and not notice how you couldn't really feel your legs.

You ate, you lay down… and to your bad or good luck, you couldn't get up …. and without anyone noticing there was an emergency and everyone went out to sort it out.

Weak limbs, limited movement and you don't want to mention the embarrassing actions you did in order to go to the toilet.

It's not like you hid it either, I mean, there was no one who could even notice because they weren't entirely available to watch you. Nor is it that you would have run away, otherwise they would have been at your side in less than a second.

The detail, as they insist, is that you had probably bruised your back badly and your body was now taxing you extra for your food craving.

I insist, you did not hide anything.

But still, when you're found completely itchy on the floor, ridiculously trying to run away in the direction of the bathroom… that's when everyone really goes crazy.

First, having to carry you and not dying of embarrassment when you notice that Bruce definitely doesn't give a damn about having to carry you to the bathroom and do almost everything for you.

Or having Dick and Jason carry you and fit you into some kind of weird medical scanner they have in the cave.

Or that Tim keeps track of your periods, types of meds you take and, for fuck's sake, knows how the fuck to inject something into your spine.

Or that Damian had the gall to look a little embarrassed when he heard that a pair of boxers lying outside the laundry basket was to blame for all this.

NO matter.

At the end of the day they heal you, pamper you, leave you alone when you need to take a nap and figure out a way to fix it without looking like complete maniacs who built some kind of internal plumbing that sucks up the dirty laundry and throws it straight into the washing machine.

Like the time they didn't look like maniacs by sanding all the edges of the tables and nightstands.

Or the time they bought a whole brand of sanitary towels when they realised that not all women use tampons.

Don't worry, they're looking out for you… even if they look like deranged Arkhan freaks in the process.

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giuliafc · 3 years

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Betrayal Chapter 5 - Surprise!

<< 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- 4 -- 5: Ao3 || FFN -- 6 >>

Betrayal Chapter 5: Surprise!

Written by: JuliaFC

Beta: Lots-of-free-time, Coffeebanana, Etoile-Lead-Sama, and myimaginationflows .

Summary: Nino learns that he's been an idiot…

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by (c) Thomas Astruc, TS1 Bouygues, Disney Channel, Zagtoon, Toei Animation. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Written for the "Snippet July" challenge of the Miraculous Fanworks Discord server @miraculousfanworks AND for LadyNoir July @ladynoirjuly Day 16 — Treasure/idiots. Let me know what you think!

oOoOoOoOoOo

"Trixx, let's rest!" whispered Rena Rouge from her hiding place. Her illusion of Alya disappeared from near her at the same time the illusion of Chat Noir disappeared from the secluded alleyway where she had placed him earlier. She took out a few grapes of the little pochette Marinette had made for her, and the fox Kwami ate quietly.

"It was an amazing plan and perfectly executed, Alya," praised Trixx in between bites.

The girl smiled at her small friend. "Thank you! As usual, Marinette has great ideas." She signaled to the Kwami to return to her pochette; she couldn't just disappear from the scene for too long, or she'd raise suspicions.

A few seconds later, Alya was again among her classmates. Thankfully, nobody noticed her absence due to how excited they all were after finding out about Adrien and Marinette's relationship.

"Okay, okay, it's all cool and nice," she said, grabbing Marinette and Adrien and dragging them away, "but I'm your BFF, Marinette, I should be given the deets first! Don't you dare spill the beans with anyone else before me. Come, let's go so you two can tell me EVERYTHING!" She gave them a wide grin. "You did say that your parents were waiting for you at your house, right Marinette?"

"Yes!" exclaimed the girl. "I'm sure they won't mind a few more people. Are you coming too, Adrien? Nino?"

After a couple of text messages and a phone call to Nathalie, Adrien was given the all clear and followed them to the bakery.

oOoOoOoOoOo

"That was ace, dude. I didn't know you had it on you!" Nino said when they sat in Marinette's room with a full belly. "Also, I have to comment on Chat Noir. I've fallen into that trap of blaming him too, but the poor guy keeps getting accused of stealing people's girlfriends.”

"Yes, about that, Nino…" said Marinette with a frown. "Luckily everything turned out fine, but I was a little disappointed to know that you told Adrien of your identity, as well as Rena's."

Nino's eyes widened in shock. "How do you know that, Marinette?" He turned to Adrien. "Bro, you shouldn't have said anything! I've told you in confidence. What's next, you've told Chat Noir I think he's annoying?"

Marinette exchanged a look with Adrien and the boy's concerned gaze eased up when she nodded. "Funny you said that, Nino," he said with the shadow of a grin on his lips. "You happened to have told that to Chat Noir yourself. I didn't have to do anything."

Nino's confused gaze darted from Adrien to Marinette to Alya. "What are they talking about, babe?"

"Are you sure you want to do it?" Adrien whispered into the ear of the pigtailed girl next to him.

She nodded. "Yes. I've known Nino all my life, and he's your best friend. He deserves to know now."

"Alright," whispered Adrien.

"Plagg, claws out!" he said a little louder, at the same time as Marinette whispered, "Tikki, spots on."

Nino's face was priceless the moment the two masked superheroes took the place of his friends and he connected the dots. "Holy cow…" His mouth opened wide. "I'm a total idiot…" He shifted over his way to Chat Noir and put a hand on both of his shoulders. "I can't believe I told Chat Noir that I knew Chat Noir better than him and I thought he was annoying!"

Chat Noir lowered his gaze. "I know. That hurt a little, bro." He kept his gaze down as he continued, "I know why you said that, don't worry."

"But I went after you, I hurt you! And you only wanted to talk to me! I'm really sorry bro! Had I known it was you I would have behaved differently!"

Chat Noir put his hands up. "It's cool, honestly. I'm just sorry I had to tell Ladybug about it without letting you know first." He looked Ladybug in the eye. "But we decided to finally be honest with each other, and she'd asked me what was making me so upset recently." He pouted, as his gaze moved to Nino's face.

His friend had tears in his eyes. "No, I should never have said what I did, I should never have revealed my identity, but especially Alya's, without Ladybug's consent. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"Nino," said Chat Noir, grabbing his shoulders. "The reason why I was hurt was because you were telling me those things. You're the first person who trusted me enough to become friends with me. That day when everyone else thought I was a spoiled brat. You're my best friend, and I really treasure our friendship. What broke my heart was thinking that somehow, by acting like a clown as Chat Noir, I had hurt you. I love you, Nino!"

As Chat Noir hugged him and Nino's eyes widened, the boy smiled softly and patted his best friend's hair. "Duuuude… don't say these things to me. We're bros, you love Ladybug." Then he widened his eyes again and blanched. "Uh, I mean, Marinette. Marinette is Ladybug. Gosh I have a headache…"

Chat Noir hugged him tighter and laughed. "Yes, she is, and… It's not the same thing, and you know that!" he proclaimed, before breaking the hug and reaching for the nape of his neck with one hand.

"Well I hope so!" said Ladybug and all four burst into laughter.

To be continued… Day 17

----------------------------------

Author's Note

Okay, as guilty as charged. This is me REALLY wanting them to have this conversation. But when I saw the prompt (idiots/treasure) I just had HUGE Adrino vibes so… here you go, I fed the Adrino tribe :D

I hope you liked the chapter and will leave me a comment. You know that comments are my bread and butter and really help me carry on with my inspiration :=)

Until tomorrow, bug out!

#miraculous ladynoir #miraculous love square #miraculous lb #miraculous les aventures de ladybug et chat noir #miraculous adrien #miraculous ladybug #miraculous #miraculous nathalie #nathalie sancoeur #lila rossi #lila's plan gets debunked #ladynoirjuly2021 #miraculous fanworks #nino lahiffe #adrino #post rocketear #rocketear

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keelywolfe · 3 years

Text

FIC: Drifters ch.5 (spicyhoney)

Summary: An adjustment period is to be expected, right?

Tags: Spicyhoney, Violence, Rescued Child, Medical Experimentation, Babybones

Read it on AO3

Read it here!

~~*~~

It was to no one’s surprise that Red hadn’t waited for them to dig into the food, his stack of pancakes already half-devoured by the time Stretch and Edge made it downstairs.

Edge only sighed at his brother’s manners and said nothing. If tomorrow was soon enough for him to begin searching for some sort of gainful employment, then it would also be when he could hold his brother accountable for his behavior again. As it was, his mouth was already watering when Stretch came back from the kitchen with two plates piled high with food, stacks of pancakes topped with pats of creamy butter melting into a layer of syrup along with fat, browned sausages.

By now his hunger was gnawing so fiercely that his own manners were hardly up to his standards. He grunted a thank you, sitting on the sofa and hastily cut into the stack, groaning aloud at the first bite. The cakes were fluffy with crisp edges, generously soaked in butter and syrup, and lavishly rich. The sausages were perfect to cut the sweetness and Edge would have willingly gorged himself on the entire plate if it weren’t for one small problem.

A pair of pale white eye lights were watching his every move, following the path of his fork from plate to mouth and back again, the child sucking on her fingers as she solemnly watched him eat. Drool was starting to run down her chin, slicking her tiny fingers and dampening the front of her shirt.

Edge swallowed his current mouthful, looking down at the plate and then back at the child, his fork faltering. Surely she was too young for this sort of meal? But then why was she watching him so intently, gurgling out an inquisitive little sound as her mouth smacked around her fingers. His appetite was fleeing, how could he possibly eat in front of a hungry child when all she’d had earlier was a little milk and a pastry?

All his uncertainties were tangling together in the time it took Stretch to notice and his laughter was disconcerting, almost horrifyingly so, was he laughing at a starving child?

“trying to sweettalk daddy edge into sharing, huh.” That name alone made Edge startle, protests rising and left unspoken as Stretch set his own half-finished plate on the coffee table and stood. “hang on, princess, your dinner is coming.”

He went back to the kitchen and returned with a bottle, shaking a few droplets on the inside of his wrist before he handed it over to the child. Who took it eagerly, latching on to the nipple as she slumped back into her small pillow fortress, suckling luxuriously.

Stretch chuckled and retrieved his plate, forking up another bite. Around his mouthful, he said, “don’t let her fool you, she’s a little young for sausage and syrup.”

That he believed, but there were other doubts to consider. “How can milk alone be nutritious enough for her?”

“works for baby cows, but it ain’t milk, edgelord, it’s formula.” He jerked his head towards the kitchen. “there’s a few bottles made up in the fridge. you want it warm, not hot, when you hand it over, just heat up some water on the stove and put it in for a few minutes.”

Formula. That sounded familiar, like something he’d heard or read. He knew so very little about children and nothing at all about infants. It wasn’t as if anyone in his Snowdin ever brought their newborn over for a visit, how was he supposed to know anything without being trained. The librarby, he decided abruptly. They must have books on childrearing, he could stop by tomorrow when he went out to find employment.

In the meantime, he leaned down to slap Red’s hand away before he could sneak the child a bite of his own pancakes. “Stop that, you’ll make her sick!”

“managed not to kill you,” Red grunted, but he ate the bite of pancake himself, unoffended.

“That’s hardly an endorsement.”

“speakin’ a bros, where’s yours at, honey bun?” Red asked. Edge struggled to ignore the way he was licking the dregs of syrup from his plate. Tomorrow, he reminded himself, tomorrow was soon enough to smack the manners back into him.

“eh?” Stretch proved that his own brother’s presence was a cornerstone to his manners, wolfing down the last of his pancakes. “blue’ll be back tomorrow, he and al are doing some kind of night training, he said,” Stretch grinned and shook his head, “dunno what, but he brought his pajamas and a bag of marshmallows with him.”

“sound like my kinda training,” Red snickered. “i’d like to see alphys’s version of hot chocolate, if her kitchen makes it thru alive.”

The mere mention of Alphys’s name made Edge stiffen despite knowing it was a different person entirely, as different as Stretch was from him. Absurd for a name to have that sort of effect, he was only off-balance, a great deal had happened, and he snatched up his abandoned plate, eating the remaining food despite it having gone cold and congealed. He wasn’t about to start off his stay here by wasting supplies.

“I’m surprised he didn’t come home when you told him,” Edge said, absently as he polished off the last bite.

Silence. Stretch stood, busying himself with gathering up the plates into a stack, and carrying them off to the kitchen.

Edge and Red shared a look, and Red jerked his head in Stretch’s direction, his raised brow bones speaking volumes, most of them a repeat of the words, ‘say something!’ A glance at the baby showed the bottle mostly empty and her sockets drooping heavily in preparation for another bout of sleep.

This was his responsible, from his choice. Edge gave a sharp nod and followed Stretch into the kitchen. He was sitting in front of the sink, lowered in deference to Blue’s height, washing the dishes briskly and setting them in the dish drainer.

The Swap brother’s kitchen was a mirror to his own and even if it wasn’t, Edge was familiar enough with it to know his way around. He retrieved a clean towel from a drawer and began drying the dishes, setting them in neat pile on the countertop.

“You didn’t tell him?” Edge asked, cautiously, but the answer was already clear despite not being given.

The silverware clattered at the bottom of the sink as Stretch gathered it up into a soapy fist. “let me deal with my bro, okay?”

“This concerns us as well, if he asks us to leave…”

“he won’t. that’s not it,” Stretch sighed, still wrist-deep in dishwater as he let his head hang, “look, i know sans. he’d be so excited, really excited, and that’s fine. i just thought you guys needed a little time to settle in, is all, without any thrills and chills. he can be just as excited tomorrow.”

That was…actually incredibly thoughtful. Blue was a wonderful individual, Edge was grateful to call him friend, but he did tend to throw himself into things at a hundred and three percent, there was no dialing it back for him. A calm evening after the day they’d had did sound better than struggling to fend of Blue’s enthusiasm, no matter how well-intended.

Stretch was still hunched over the sink as if he expected Edge to shout at him and that wasn’t entirely unwarranted. It wouldn’t be the first time Edge inserted himself into the Swap brother’s relationship, but it was the first chance he’d had to rethink that tendency.

“All right,” Edge said. He picked up another glass and dried it, setting it to join its brethren.

Stretch lifted his head. “yeah?” he asked, cautiously.

“Yes,” Edge said decisively. “The child shouldn’t meet too many new people at once, it might be upsetting for her.”

“i…yeah, good point.” Slowly, Stretch resumed his dishwashing duties and if there was a faint smile curving his mouth, Edge ignored it. Helping with the housework was the very least he could do.

By the time they were finished, Edge was struggling to stifle a yawn. In the living room, Red was slumped on the sofa, his sockets at half-mast as he watched the television. The volume was low and what Edge could hear from it sounded like Napstaton was working on a new mix tape.

In her little pillow nest the child was asleep, her empty bottle next to her. Edge stood over her, watching the rise and fall of her chest, and reminded himself to get that book tomorrow. He would figure this out, he would. “The baby stays with me tonight.”

“your funeral, bro,” Red yawned. He didn’t budge from the sofa, clearly intending it to be his bed for the night.

“she can stay with us, in my room,” Stretch amended. He picked up the empty bottle and handed it to Edge. “go give this a quick wash, trust me, never leave a dirty bottle laying around, that’s a stink you don’t want. i’ll head upstairs with the princess and get her settled.”

It was sensible, Stretch knew where everything was in his room, but somehow Edge still found he wanted to protest. He wanted to carry the baby, wanted to hold her close a little longer. Instead, he nodded curtly and went back to the kitchen. They were here on Stretch’s sufferance, now was not the time to start making demands.

He finished quickly and headed back upstairs, past his brother who was already snoring through Napstaton’s slick beats, and wondered what Stretch had in mind. The mattress worked for an afternoon nap, but he wasn’t comfortable with it as a nighttime solution, particularly not with Stretch in the bed with him, he wasn’t the type to wake at the slightest movement.

Edge opened the door and froze with only one foot through it, staring. In the middle of the room was a cardboard box, Stretch kneeling next to it with both hands inside, and even from here Edge could see he was tucking the child inside. Not naked, not this time, she was still in Blue’s oversized t-shirt, she wasn’t asleep and alone in a lab, carelessly abandoned until she was needed again, a tool, not a person, something to be callously used and discarded.

“hey,” Stretch said, hushed, “figured this’ll work until we figure out something else, she’s a little small to wander off and—"

“No,” Edge said sharply.

Stretch’s grin faded, his browbone furrowing in confusion, “what?”

“No, she can’t sleep in that, she won’t, I won’t allow it!” Edge said, his voice rising, and all his thoughts about keeping the peace had fled, buried beneath the chemical stink of memory smoke, the lab burning around them, and those numbers were hidden beneath the shirt, but they were still there, a scar carved into her very bones.

“hey, easy, calm down…”

“I won’t!” Edge shouted hoarsely and a wail rose up around them like a siren, like the alarms at the lab.

“edge!” The sound of his own name made him jerk, blinking hard. Stretch was holding the whimpering baby, jostling her against his chest. “you’re scaring the kid!”

And he was, her large sockets brimmed over with tears, staining her rounded cheeks as they began spilling down.

“Oh, don’t,” Edge started, brokenly, reaching out to her helplessly, letting his hands fall as she began to wail despite Stretch’s gentle crooning.

Those blasted tears from earlier weren’t as banished as he’d assumed, and Edge whirled away, tipping his head back to keep them from falling, tasting them instead on the back of his tongue, sharp and astringent, another memory and this one he refused, let his mind settle into blankness as he struggled against the rising pain in his chest, a deep ache in his very soul.

“ooookay, everyone needs to take a deep breath and calm down,” Stretch said, loudly to be heard over the baby’s crying, then softer, coaxingly, “c’mon, sugar butt, easy now.” Slowly the crying dwindled to sniffles and the occasional hiccough. “there we go. come on over here, edgelord.”

Edge didn’t turn around. “She’s afraid of me,” he whispered.

Behind him, he could hear Stretch heave an exasperated sigh. “you got loud one time, for fu—udge’s sake. she’s not scared of you, so come here!”

That was definitely an order and one he needed to obey; their lives depended on staying on the Swap brother’s good side. Slowly, Edge turned, moving stiffly as he lurched over to the two of them. He reluctantly allowed Stretch to draw him down to sit awkwardly on the floor, sockets closed, unresisting as Stretch pulled him close to enough to rest their foreheads together with the baby between them. The ache in his chest slowly eased and Edge opened his sockets, looking down at the child. Who was looking back up at him with wide eye lights and there was no fear in them, only a simple curiosity.

“Hello, baby,” Edge told her softly, reaching with trembling fingers to wipe away one of the streaks drying on her chubby cheekbone. He almost jerked away when she offered a coo in return, reaching for his fingers in yet another attempt to cram them into her mouth.

“see?” Stretch said quietly. His breath was a soft, sweet gust against Edge’s face, his smooth forehead resting against Edge’s damaged one. “you’re gonna make mistakes, a lot of ‘em. don’t start out by beating yourself up for it.”

Edge nodded slowly and when Stretch shifted to settle the baby into the crook of his arm, Edge held her close, scooting back to lean against the wall as he watched her unconvincing attempt at cannibalizing his fingertips. She was so light, the weight of her hardly more than a handful of feathers. Such a tiny bundle in his arms, so terribly important for such a small, perfect creature.

Stretch climbed to his feet, dusting off his hands with exaggerated motions as he announced, “crisis averted, won’t be the last one. now, the cardboard box is out, got the memo on that, so how do you feel about a dresser drawer?”

Edge didn’t answer, only nodded and let Stretch start pulling blankets out of the box, muttering under his breath about whether the bottom or top drawer would make for a better bassinet. None of that mattered. All he wanted was to keep holding this child close and never let her go.

~~*~~

tbc

#spicyhoney #papcest #keelywolfe #underfell #underswap #underfell papyrus #underswap papyrus #drifters

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mauserfrau · 4 years

Text

Mau's Very Silly Headcanon Post

Since I have two pieces of fiction going live this weekend and they’re both going to be late due to butting into each other XD.

I did another one here and there’s going to be some overlap, but less bodily function stuff in this one (mostly spit) (also some vague references to medical trauma).

A lot of this is small potatoes because I didn’t want to spoil anything. How Phaseleech actually works ends up being a plot point in what I have pending, so I actually can’t just come out and say what’s going on. That said, I’m sure there are people here who want to know what’s on my mind, but who don’t want to sit through 50K words with half a dozen squick warnings.

That said: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mauser_Frau

Questions welcome, about this, anything else I think about Borderlands, what exactly is in Chapter 13 of Satellite, if it’s true the one flashback actually happened to Mom...

Both

-Look, the only thing I did that’s appreciably off-canon is let them have emotions. Maybe I drove into left field with what those emotions were, but that’s really all anybody’s got to do to fix this situation. Go with the deity of your choice.

-If I was headed for a Gearbox ending, it would be for the scrapped one, not the one we got. See this and this other thing.

>>>I would still have written the twins as having something resembling a meaningful relationship regardless of whether that turned out romantic or not. As things went and are, them as a couple was something I knew how to write and my mom shipped them (no, I’m not kidding).

-I’m not going for a canon ending. Mercy, did I find a thread I could snap and take the whole sweater out.

-Both had blue siren markings when they were born; Troy’s turned red after they were separated.

--Which was a complicated mess-- they were upside-down verses each other and had several secondary adhesions, the most notable of which was Tyreen’s face to Troy’s thigh.

---Leda never 100% recovered from the emotional or physical trauma, but she put on a brave face for the last sevenish years of her life.

---Troy’s tissue loss was severe and left him with a notable pit in his upper right side.

---Tyreen also has heavy scarring running from her right armpit to her right hip. It’s not as complex, but it is very visible. Missing a fair amount of intestine compared to the average human, but this has apparently never bothered her beyond the fact that visiting the toilet when you don’t eat is not fun.

-Semi-identical twins. Have 82.5% of their genes in common. LSS, neither one is a parasite. They’re two sperm plus one egg and they didn’t divide right.

--Ms. Phaseleech* didn’t know any better. #oops

--If you get them relaxed enough, they will indeed curl up together in their “fish” position.

-Tyreen is the one who would wail first if separated from her brother when they were very small, but they don’t like being apart even as adults.

-Both very well-read, used to recite The Odyssey to congregants instead of scripture (‘cause they didn’t have any scripture).

-Good to excellent hunters. Depends what they’re hunting and if they’re together. Prefer to go barefoot if there’s no one else around.

-The circumstances surrounding Leda’s death are appreciably worse than fanon baseline to the point I don’t think I ought to leave them lying around in a Tumblr post.

-Both have wavy hair if they don’t iron the daylights out of it.

-Prefer to be on the road and around people, even if a fair amount of those people are going to end up dinner.

-Get weirdly soft-hearted around kids, especially little boys with a similar complexion to their own.

-Do they have any concept that they’re horrible people? Yes, but it’s very academic and not something that motivates them. You’d be way more likely to hear them frame themselves as hedonists, which also explains their worldview to a certain extent.

~*~

Troy

-Skinnier than most other Troys. You could put him in a room with every fandom Troy and sort them by muscle mass, you’d find him at the bottom end, partying like this was an accomplishment.

-Has an X-linked connective tissue disorder which is more extensive than he lets on. He really should not do about 90% of the stunts he does because of the vascular involvement.

-Made a categorical decision to treat the associated pain with a lot of cannabis and massage. Has a distinct resin and honey body butter smell because of this.

--Also, if you get him off-hours, there’s going to be a fair amount of “but why are we here, man?” discussion.

-Has a kink in his upper back. His spine tilts to his right. Not super noticeable, but if you were on massage duty, you’d realize something felt out of place.

-Used to get catastrophic nosebleeds, though these have lessened in frequency and severity over the years.

-After a certain point, has a permanent latching socket port installed on his right side, allowing him to switch arms out as he likes.

--Because he has a selection of eccentric ones. What? It’s a challenge to learn to use non-human aspects like claws or feathers or forty joints in a tentacle.

--Still flounces around without one if nobody of consequence is watching and generally won’t sleep with one in.

-The insides of his ear gauges are messy and don’t even get him started on changing the jewelry on any, erm, other piercings he might have. (Nipples and one off-center PA. That was QUITE enough after what it took for his tattoos to cooperate.)

-Will frame any illness or off-day as a migraine, which he does get.

-Had really bad teeth before his mouth mods. After that, has none of his natural teeth remaining. Primarily uses his exceptional bite radius to annoy others, show off, eat sandwiches in a disturbing fashion and do unspeakable things in bed. They’re for show. They’re not functional in any serious way.

-Doesn’t have great control of said mouth mods in the heat of passion or if you get him laughing hard enough. Hope you like spit!

-Still has rather heinous-looking feet, but he’s concerned about losing his calluses if he has them fixed. You’d be more likely to see him open on an operating table than barefoot in public.

-Always wants to be the little spoon. You’re a tink? You’re a third his size? So what. He wants to be the little spoon. Just give in.

-Genuinely likes tea, especially flower-based tea. Favorite foods include grits, polenta, tamales, campfire beefy rice, beef and broccoli layered onto somebody else’s leftover noodles, beef curry, beef sandwiches soaked in jus, steak tips on day-old fries and look just give him a sloppy plate of starch and dead cow if you need him to shut up.

-Drinks vodka so cold and over-filtered it tastes like water, then follows it up with extra greasy, burnt-to-hell texas toast while talking about his mother.

-Lactose intolerant. Please do not feed the rat child pizza. Or chipped beef on toast. No, not even if he begs.

~*~

Tyreen

-Abnormally acute senses, especially hearing/smell and including a form of intuition which targets where things she can leech exist nearby. She’s only aware of any of this in the context of it being different from how Troy’s senses work. She knows where to get food. Don’t most people?

-Doesn’t perceive herself as 100% human. The Leech is part of her and she likes herself. Mama said she was perfect. The details are whatever. You got a problem here? Well, that’s easy to fix…

-Would have been sorted as a tomboy growing up, but had no companions to do so. As is, prefers the company of masculine individuals, loves showing people up in a boyish fashion and is absolutely going to tune you out if you start talking to her about the topic.

-Reeks. You might smell something “off” with her around in a meeting room, but get her sweaty or worked up and forget it. It’s not even a human smell. Petrichor and spray paint, menstrual blood and chlorine, dead leaves and solvent. It’s chemical, it’s uncannily biological. It’s really not OK. She can’t smell it and Troy’s used to it.

-Doesn’t shave. Has fluffy armpits that don’t match her dye job and a rather spectacular bush that extends onto her upper thighs. Does pluck here brows and the witch hairs on her chin, but otherwise, you know what, nah.

-Heavily tattooed, but this is limited to her torso. The viewing of said tattoos, as well as her scars, is a ritual in her particular CoV.

--Not that she cares about being naked. A body is a body. You people are so uptight.

-Will reflexively guard her lower stomach before anything else and sometimes in error. Do not call her on this. You will piss her off.

-Has an eye-shaped siren marking, but it’s on her left shoulder blade and she tends to forget it’s there. More aware of the “pointer mark” underneath her navel.

-Poor tolerance for any drugs.

-Can only ingest salt, sucrose and 80 proof or better clear alcohol without retching.

--Which is to say she doesn’t eat “people food”.

--Fatty or high-fiber foods tend to make her ill faster. She could possibly keep tofu or chicken breast down for an hour or more, but it’s still not going to end well.

--Can and does eat cinder toffee because it’s one of the few things she can chew and digest. Konpeito is nice too, but sometimes the dye upsets her stomach.

--Milk, maybe. Human works better.

-Enjoys swimming or long baths.

-Ambidextrous. Was either born that way or picked up doing certain things left-handed because that’s what her brother had to work with and she had to show him how to do stuff somehow.

-Good with a forearm-mounted crossbow. Either hand is fine.

-Used to drool precipitously when she leeched something “good”. Mostly has a handle on this by the time the CoV gets to be a thing. Mostly.

-Deeply immature love language which might include her actually asking to play with her prospective partner and a good bit of bullying.

-SHE IS NOT SHY ABOUT HER NEEDS AND KINKS. THE HELL WITH YOU. YOU’RE MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING. HOW DARE YOU. DO YOU WANT TO BE SKAG BAIT ON THE NEXT LIVESCREAM. UGH. #nottsundereatall

~*~

* The Leech IDed herself as, erm, herself in some stuff I’m not sure I’ll ever post but ANYWAY.

#borderlands 3 #headcanon post #calypso twins #troy calypso #tyreen calypso

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mnm-inc-miles · 4 years

Text

1 WRITING

Remus x Colin x Charlie x Lacey x Newt

———— Saturday, July 4th, 10am —————

“Somethings not right...” Remus shook his head, looking at Newt. His eyes were wide as saucers and his heart was racing, he could feel the beast within yearning to come out. That happened sometimes when the full moon was approaching. “Usually I can tell...”

“The full Moon isn’t until tonight, you’ve had all the wolfsbane?” Newt took a step closer and Remus backed away.

“I know...I’m....” he paused. “I had the last bit of it today, yes. This morning...” He sighed and walked around the kitchen table to distance himself from Newt. “I think I’m going to head to Alaska now...just to settle in.”

“Want me to join you for a bit?”

Remus shook his head, “No it’s okay, I’ll....I think this won’t be a very good night, as I told Sirius, it’s better I’m alone. It makes even more sense now. I can feel it.”

“I can come and bring the suitcase that way I’m around if...”

“No, please. I don’t want anyone around. Please...” Remus was begging him now as he inched toward the door. “Okay?”

Newt nodded, “Yes of course, whatever you think is best. I’ll check in after sunrise.”

—————— Later, early evening ——————

Charlie stood in the doorway of his eldest daughters room. “How much longer are you planning to practice magic? I think we’d like to see fireworks soon.”

“Are there even going to be any with quarantine happening? Also, aren’t we in Germany?” Lacey was practicing lifting heavier objects with the Wingardium Leviosa spell.

“Yes, but Cole is having a small fireworks show in his back yard, and he invited us. We should go, it technically started half an hour ago, fireworks should be a little later tonight.”

“I can meet you there.”

“I think we’re ready to leave,” a little voice squeaked as a chipper Kiera peaked up over the stairs.

“Alright, tell your dad and brother we’ll meet you all there soon. Lacey is finishing up practicing magic, I’ll come with her when she’s finished.” Charlie smiled and Kiera gave a nod.

————— Elsewhere, same time —————

Colin had told Summer about the nightmare he had in a very brief way. He said it was vivid and that he’d hurt someone but he didn’t explain anything beyond that. He didn’t want to scare her but mostly he didn’t want to believe it himself.

He continued to have the nightmare every once in a while, but he would simply shrug it off as a nightmare and nothing more, when in fact it was concerning him. It was the only nightmare Colin had of that nature.

His therapist had done hypnotherapy with him once to try and tap into his blackouts. He told Colin that afterwards he would begin to recollect those lapses in memory.

This dream in particular had him walking the chambers at night in search of the room where one of the other medical assistants was kept. Upon reaching said room he carefully snuck inside and pulled out a knife, then proceeded to drag the blade along the other’s throat. His hands would then be covered in blood and he would wake up.

That was the only blackout he could remember. And it felt so real to all his senses. He could almost feel the blade in his hand, the cold dampness in the air. He could smell the dank musk seeping from the walls, and he saw each detail of each moment with glistening clarity. The taste of metal from the blood on his lips was too real to ignore. But his gut told him something was wrong. It’s why he stopped seeing the therapist, and why he tried to ignore the nightmare. It couldn’t be real...

But Colin decided that after a short walk maybe he’d work the nerve up to talk to Summer about the nightmare in greater detail and see what she thought. He’d tell her his theories and maybe move forward from the bad dreams and hopefully soon after, the blackouts altogether.

——————— One Hour Later ———————

“Alright let’s go,” Lacey playfully snapped her fingers at her father who was lounging on the couch.

“Wonderful,” he responded as he began to stand.

“So I’ve been learning to apparate and if you don’t mind I’d like to try traveling that way.”

Charlie got a little stiff. “No, Lacey, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. That’s gotten people into trouble here before.” He recalled how people used to get spliced using that particular magic more often than not in the past.

“It’s honestly the same thing as blinking anyway.”

“So then let’s stick to what we know.”

She narrowed her eyes angrily then threw her hands up in the air, “Sure, sure. Let’s do whatever you want to do.” Charlie could tell she was upset but was trying to let it go so he didn’t say more on the matter.

As he took a step toward her he suddenly felt light headed. “Lacey...” he spoke as he grabbed the bridge of his nose.

“Dad what’s happening...” Lacey questioned as she watched her surroundings blur and warp. She looked for her father and saw his face beginning to twist as if she was on some bad acid. “Dad...” she whimpered slightly, only now growing fearful.

“Lacey it’s okay...” he reached a hand out and grabbed her wrist, she jumped. “It’ll be okay, just stay with me...”

“What is happening,” she demanded.

“Miles is taking us somewhere...”

“But Dad...it’s a full moon...”

“I know.”

“Does that mean...Dad are we...”

“I know I know,” Charlie tried to remain calm. He suddenly felt something cold and heavy in his back pocket. Mikes’ voice in his head asking whether he’d be able to protect his children now that he had them. Charlie felt the object with his free hand, it was a gun, his heart sank. “It’ll be okay, just stay with me.”

When the world became clear again the two stood in a field of cattle, one of which was right at Lacey’s feet, saturated in blood. Her eyes widened and she leaned down, placing her hands on the animals neck and feeling for a pulse. The flesh of the dying cow was cold and wet. She closed its eyes and stood up to face her dad.

“We need to get out of here...” Charlie began but was interrupted by a howl. Both their heads turned in the direction of the noise and Lacey started running toward it. “Lacey don’t!” Charlie turned on his heals and followed, the hand checking that the gun was still in his pocket.

—————— 10 minutes earlier ——————

As Colin walked he felt a pressure around his heart, he stopped and thought for a moment that maybe his anxiety was spiking. He took a moment to focus on breathing while recalling random and rather useless facts in his head.

Many oranges are actually green. The opposite side of a die will always add up to seven. It’s possible to turn peanut butter into diamonds. Dragonfly’s have six legs but cannot walk.

Then suddenly he walked right into another place entirely and when he registered the change he heard a growl from behind him. Turning, Colin came face to face with a werewolf. He slowly took a few steps away.

“Remus...” Colin barely breathed. The beast regarded him for a moment, growling but maintaining the same distance and composure. “Is the wolfsbane working...are you...okay?”

The werewolf took a step forward and Colin stood still, terrified. Then he watched as the beast lifted its head to howl then lunged toward him. Colin was tackled and in defense he raised his arms to protect his face. The werewolf tore into his forearm and the comedian hollered in pain.

Lacey reached the scene and picked up a rock, throwing it at the back of the werewolf’s head. It turned and began running toward her. She turned and began to run back toward her father.

“Lacey move, go to Colin, I’ll handle Remus!”

She watched as Charlie began on an angle, howling at the werewolf, and she turned back to try and zig zag around the oncoming threat. Charlie continued to the side and howled again, garnering the creatures attention. Lacey b-lined to Colin, but the werewolf was closer to her than Charlie and it could see Charlie’s howl was only a distraction. Pivoting, the werewolf turned and ran toward Lacey.

There was a gunshot and Lacey spun fast and saw that the werewolf closing in, had frozen to identify the sound. Charlie was walking fast now, the gun pointed at the sky. Refocusing, Lacey went back to Colin and knelt by his side. She wrapped her hands around his arm to slow the bleeding.

Then two more gunshots, Lacey looked up terrified as her father now pointed the gun at the werewolf. “Dad don’t...” One more gunshot and the werewolf finally stopped and curled into itself, clearly in pain.

Another howl came from further away and at that moment the werewolf ran from them and toward the call. Charlie followed the beast with his gun but didn’t shoot as the threat disappeared in the distance. In a moment, Newt appeared beside them and placed down his suitcase.

“Please all of you, into the suitcase, quickly.” He opened it, gently pulled Colin to his feet, and stepped inside to lead the way. Lacey and Charlie followed, both a bit awestruck upon their first glance around. Newt guided Colin to a sink to run the bite under cold water.

“He bit me...he’s never done that...am I...” Colin’s vision blurred and his words remained caught in his throat.

“Is he cursed now?” Charlie finished the statement for him, knowing exactly what his concern must be.

“Lacey could you please cut me a few stems from the plant in the corner.” He pointed quickly, then using magic, he slid a jar full of a silver powder across the table and into his hand. “Charlie if you could please put that weapon away, I believe it’s caused enough damage for one night...” Charlie’s eyes saddened with guilt and he placed the gun on a counter and gently pushed it toward the wall and away from himself.

Newt then sprinkled some powder on Colin’s arm as Lacey handed him the plant. “What’s this anyway?”

“Dittany. If we act quickly we can prevent further trauma to his body. He’ll develop mild symptoms of lycanthropy but he won’t turn into a werewolf.” He took the plant and started smashing the small bulbous leaves into a thick gooey substance and slathered it on Colin’s bites. The comedian winced but was too shocked to respond further.

“I won’t be able to hurt anyone?” Colin finally managed to speak.

“Certainly not, at most you’ll crave your meat closer to raw and perhaps around the full moon you’ll be a bit hairy than usual, but you won’t be violent.” He lifted the other’s arm and sighed slightly, “Hold this up a moment.” He shuffled past Lacey to the garden and pulled a few leaves from a plant. Walking back over to Colin he gently applied them to the cuts. “This is Lamb’s Ear,” Newt stated.

“It’s so soft...” Colin sighed in relief, the silky plant a welcomed relief to his pain.

“Yes, it’s a great clotting agent.” He looked up at Lacey. “Behind you is a bandage. Do you think you could wrap him? I need to find Remus, quickly, before he bleeds to death.”

“Yes...” she grabbed the bandage and came over.

“I’m sure Colin can guide you,” he barely waited for acknowledgment as he headed toward the door. “It may behoove you to hold onto something, there may be some slight shifting as I disapperate.”

“Can I do anything?” Charlie asked nervously.

“Just mind yourselves and please don’t wander outside the room...” he turned and left quickly.

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garden-ghoul · 7 years

Text

return of the blog, part.... uhhhh

“that’s right, I can’t even reliably count to three. or maybe I can and it’s four I can’t reliably count to?”

That aside, something horrible is about to happen.

THE SIEGE OF GONDOR

Gandalf wakes up Pippin at “the second hour,” which is either 2am or like 9am, depending on where they’re counting from. Pippin stares at his bread butter & milk breakfast miserably and says, “Why did you bring me here?”

“You know quite well,” said Gandalf. “To keep you out of mischief; and if you do not like being here, you can remember that you brought it on yourself.”

Dude. He’s a teen and he was cursed. Give him a break.

He has to go see Denethor, who treats him rather rudely and then says he’ll be the lord’s esquire for today. Does he know any songs? Well, um, not many that are fitting here... Pippin does not want to sing comic songs or lewd songs to the Steward of Gondor. I just can’t get over this teen thing, he is like a college freshman who got out for the summer after a socially productive semester and now he works for the president. It’s fucking ridiculous. Well, he goes and gets some fancy livery so he’ll look regal enough for Denethor, and it only makes him gloomier. I love all the descriptions of Merry and Pippin being gloomy about being treated like ornaments.

Near sunset he’s finally released from his service (both boring and arduous, though I’ll wager he’s been doing a lot of good eavesdropping) and goes to hang out with Beregond and bemoan the fact that Faramir isn’t here. Oh! How convenient! There’s Faramir’s company right there (what’s left of it), being attacked by Nazgul! LUCKILY Gandalf, who vanished a while ago, seems to have foreseen this; he chases them away with light magic. Pippin runs to the gates to see Faramir coming home, and immediately gets a crush on him. He’s so noble! So tired! Yet so approachable!

Denethor does not really think so. He finds the smallest crack in Faramir’s demeanor as he’s making his report, and verbally eviscerates him in front of the guests. Y’know, for letting the Ring go into Mordor, and also for being alive even though Denethor is the one who told Boromir to go questing. Denethor and Gandalf yell at each other for a while, it’s rather frightening. As Pippin and Gandalf are leaving (Faramir has gone off to get some sleep, thank goodness!) Gandalf says he is filled with foreboding that Sam and Frodo are going via Cirith Ungol. How would YOU have gone, Gandalf? Through the front door? Secret tunnel?

The next morning everyone is gloomy again. They WERE excited about Faramir coming back--the text sort of implies that everyone in the city is a little in love with him--

But now Faramir was gone again. ‘They give him no rest,’ some murmured. ‘The Lord drives his son too hard, and now he must do the duty of two, for himself and for the one that will not return.’ And ever men looked northward, asking: ‘Where are the Riders of Rohan?’

Restless, restless, restless. Electric air. That Good Stuff. Faramir has been sent to Osgiliath to strengthen the garrison:

‘Then farewell!’ said Faramir. ‘But if I should return, think better of me!’

‘That depends on the manner of your return,’ said Denethor.

Ouch. Why do I get the feeling that Denethor will only think better of him if he returns in a coffin? As Faramir leaves, Gandalf tells him that his father loves him. Umm okay but how does that mitigate his awful treatment of Faramir. Doesn’t that make it worse? Right now I’m thinking about how Faramir is probably going to have to fight the Witch King since he’s leading the attack on Osgiliath, and thinking about how Eowyn is the one who kills him, and just being really excited for them to meet. Weary guy who hates to fight but must; frustrated enby who is chomping at the bit to murder some dudes. Honestly doesn’t that describe ALL the best Tolkien ships. Sometimes he does ladies right and it’s so #aesthetic. Wait I think the aesthetic I’m describing is just classic Jewish gender roles. Gentle studious men and women alight with the fire of direct action. I’m gay for both of these genders.

Anyway the next day the Black Host or whatever comes through the wall of the Pelennor Fields, despite the fact that Faramir is still doing his best to hold the rearguard off in Osgiliath. Including, yep, the Witch King. Actually they never refer to him as the Witch King in these books and I’m not sure where I heard it, but it’s an amazing title. Anyway mounted sorties start going out into Pelennor, with Gandalf at Prince Whoever of Amroth at their head. Denethor at least doesn’t let them overextend themselves; he calls them in very promptly so they won’t get trapped or too tired. I get the impression that for quick strikes they have the advantage because all of Sauron’s people are on foot. Oh, except a full third of them died anyway, because Sauron’s forces MASSIVELY outnumber them. Faramir has come back dead or wounded, and EVERYONE is crying. They bring him back to Denethor, who goes up into his tower and people see a strange flashing light and he comes down even more dead-looking than his dead son. I am beginning to suspect that the reason the text has alluded so many times to how far-sighted and well-informed Denethor is, is that he has a palantir. And this is some kind of secret, maybe?

The very last companies who can make it come back in through the gates, and they report that there is no way the Rohirrim can possibly make it in to help them now. The enemy is throwing fire over the walls. They’re throwing severed heads over the walls. Nazgul are circling. Denethor is weeping by Faramir’s body. Gandalf and the prince of Amroth have taken command of the city. There’s an aside here with Gondorians whispering about how elvish the people of Dol Amroth are--the people of Nimrodel. I’m glad there’s at least one version of the story where they found each other again and settled down, even if “the coast” probably wasn’t the land Nimrodel dreamed of that had never heard of war.

Hey, let’s check in on Denethor! Oh, uh, the palantir broke his will and he’s planning to set himself on fire in his despair. That’s cool I guess. Pippin goes to fetch Gandalf, as if he couldn’t possibly have anything more important to do than save one rude old man’s life. Or no, Pippin suspects he is going to kill Faramir as well. He passes Beregond and tells him to stop anything awful from happening.

OMG SORRY I FORGOT EVERYTHING I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING ATTENTION TO BECAUSE WE HAVE FINALLY CONFIRMED THAT THE BATTERING RAM GROND IS INDEED NAMED FOR MORGOTH’S HAMMER. I CAN STOP READING NOW THIS IS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW.

No no jk I will keep reading. I’m extremely pleased though. I have “Grond! Grond! Grond!” echoing in my head nonstop some days. Um anyway the Witch King is there, casting an evil spell to help Grond along, and on the third go it BURSTS the gates open!

‘You cannot enter here,’ said Gandalf, and the huge shadow halted. ‘Go back to the abyss prepared for you! Go back! Fall into the nothingness that awaits you and your Master. Go!’

The Black Rider flung back his hood, and behold! he had a kingly crown; and yet upon no head visible was it set.

Fuck yes.

Somewhere in the city, a cock crows, because having half of Gondor on fire in no way disrupted this chicken’s daily routine. Dawn. And with it, the horns of Rohan.

THE RIDE OF THE ROHIRRIM

The beginning of this chapter has a lot of fun sense description, since Merry is lying awake in complete darkness listening to the distant sounds of the Enemy’s hosts. Smelling the horses. All that. He thinks about how weird it is that everyone is just ignoring him because they know he’s not supposed to be here; Dernhelm seems to have some kind of “understanding” with Elfhelm, the marshal of their company. Sorry. Elfhelm? Elf? Helm? Is that a guy’s actual name? Elfhelm trips over Merry in the dark, and Merry asks What Is Up. As it turns out what is up is Woses, and what will soon be up is all the Rohirrim. I was gonna explain what Woses are but I think it’s way funnier if I don’t.

A Wose has come to offer help to Theoden, since he hates orcs as much as the next guy. Woses, he says, have “long ears and long eyes,” which isn’t especially relevant as far as I can tell but it’s delightful. The leader of the Woses, Ghan-buri-Ghan, knows a secret road! All he wants as a reward is... for the Rohirrim to stop hunting his people like beasts. What the fuck. I can’t believe Ghan-buri-Ghan actually prefers the Rohirrim to orcs. They go through the forest, and it takes all day, but the next morning before dawn they are ready to go do murders. Merry is upset again because he’s actually zero good at fighting and is just going to get himself and others killed.

The king sat upon Snowmane, motionless, gazing upon the agony of Minas Tirith, as if stricken suddenly by anguish, or by dread. He seemed to shrink down, cowed by age. Merry himself felt as if a great weight of horror and doubt had settled on him. His heart beat slowly. Time seemed poised in uncertainty. They were too late! Too late was worse than never! Perhaps Théoden would quail, bow his old head, turn, slink away to hide in the hills.

Then suddenly Merry felt it at last, beyond doubt: a change. Wind was in his face! Light was glimmering. Far, far away, in the South the clouds could be dimly seen as remote grey shapes, rolling up, drifting: morning lay beyond them.

Nice nice nice nice nice that’s some top notch metaphor. Tolkien is sooo good at environmental metaphors and foreshadowing. IDK there’s just something about the way the whole world seems to get in on the narrative, it’s really good. Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered; a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Theoden grabs a horn from someone and blows on it so hard it EXPLODES. AND THEY’RE OFF!! Join us next time for

THE BATTLE OF THE PELENNOR FIELDS

#blog of the rings

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ashafriesen · 4 years

Text

Ayurvedic Diet for Winters

Ayurvedic diet for winters

Who doesn’t love the cosy, pink winters? Think of the cool breeze, hot coffee, and a warm blanket. Aren’t you already feeling at peace? Well, I am!

There’s something special about the winter season. Be it the festivities or the colourful woollens, winters bear certain charm that one can’t explain but can only feel.

However, winter brings a different set of challenges too. This cold and dry season is not very pleasant for our bodies. Dry skin, chapped lips, brittle nails and high vulnerability to catch cold and flu can be extremely upsetting experiences.

Of course, we don’t want to be fretting over these troubles when there are many interesting things to do in winters. So, are there ways to keep these problems at bay? The rich and traditional Ayurvedic knowledge can actually work wonders. And since diet is the main source of several problems, let’s focus on what kind of diet does Ayurveda suggest for the winter season.

The winter season demands more energy to keep the body warm and fight infections. And while your taste buds might be craving for comfort food, let’s try staying away from the fried and spicy stuff and focus on a wholesome diet instead.

What Does Ayurveda Say?

According to Ayurveda, the winter season is divided into Hemanta (early winters) and Shishir (late winters). Interestingly, this is the season when nature is ready to nurture our bodies and mind. The digestive fire is high as compared to any other season and that’s the reason the food is digested better during winters.

Ayurveda suggests that for maintaining a healthy body it is important that the food we eat is close to its natural form. Our food habits in sync with nature or prakriti will lead to a healthy immune system. It is therefore important to focus on least processed and lightly cooked food which is easy to digest and assimilate.

Ayurveda defines winter as Vata season due to similar characteristics as wind – cold, dry, light and moving. Too much of Vata can lead to problems such as digestive disorders, skin problems, high blood pressure, etc. Winters with increased moisture can also trigger imbalance in Kapha dosha that can bring a sense of heaviness and lethargy, leading to quick weight gain. By following a good diet and practicing moderate exercise during winters, one can easily balance the these doshas and enhance body’s established immunity called yuktikrit.

Ayurvedic Diet for Winters

During winters, make warm and freshly cooked food an integral part of your meals. Try staying away from raw, junk, and processed foods. Here are some practical and effective diet tips recommended by Ayurveda for the winter season.

Eat Desi ghee

Ghee tops the list of oils and good fats in Ayurveda. Ghee or clarified butter made from cow’s milk is an essential ingredient in several ayurvedic medicines, treatments and recommended diet. Ghee is a great moisturizing agent and help fight skin dryness and frizzy hair. Ghee made of cow milk also aids digestion and balances hormones. However, it is important that to reduce the quantity of other oils and fats proportionately from your diet to avoid over-consumption of fats.

Desi ghee for- Ayurvedic diet in winters

Hydrate your body

Yes, winter dehydration is possible. It’s quite easy to skip that glass of water during the cold season. In the absence of enough hydration, our bodies tend to lose a lot of essential moisture, leading to a lot of problems such as lustreless skin, dull hair and poor digestion. In winter season, Ayurveda suggests intake of warm water and other liquids to ward off cold and especially balance the kapha. Regularly drink warm water, soups, stews, and herbal teas to keep your bodies hydrated and supple.

Snack on dry fruits and nuts

Winter is a season of increased hunger. Our bodies demand more food and hence we must respect it by fuelling it with the right food and not any junk. Dry fruits and nuts work as great snacks for your in-between-meals hunger pangs. They are a great alternative to fried or oily snack and provide with adequate energy and protect bodies from cold. Grab a fistful of the mixture of almonds, walnuts, cashews, figs, etc. and keep your digestive fire alive.

dry fruits- Ayurvedic diet in winters

Embrace fresh fruits and vegetables

Winters is a season of fresh fruits and vegetables. And since these are great source of vitamins, fibres and antioxidants, fruits and vegetables are highly recommended during the season. Eat more of the root vegetables such as carrots, white radish, onions, garlic, beetroot – since these are warm in nature and high in fibre. Winters is also the season of a variety of green veggies. Methi, palak, sarson are great sources of iron, vitamin A and Vitamin C – all of which help build immunity.

fruit and vegetables- Ayurvedic diet in winters

Spices are important

Spices will help keeping the body warm, reduce mucus formation, and fight sore throat and runny nose. Include spices such as cinnamon, turmeric, cloves, black pepper and cardamom. In fact, if you happen to catch cold, a simple mixture of turmeric, ginger juice, black pepper and honey can work wonders. And yes, don’t forget your adrak wali chai (in moderation though).

Indian spices- Ayurvedic diet for winters

Try cow milk

Ayurveda considers milk as a complete and wholesome meal. Cow’s milk is considered better as it is easy to digest and is known to promote Ojas – the factor responsible to build body’s immunity. No wonder it is the next best thing to breastmilk for the newborn. However, especially in winters, avoid consuming milk as shakes or even with bananas as it lowers the digestive fire. The best time to drink milk is about 30 minutes before bedtime. Add some turmeric and a dash of cinnamon for a good night sleep and muscle repair.

cow’s milk – Ayurvedic diet for winters

Millets and legumes

Millets were the original staple meal of India and are a great alternative to wheat and maida. In Ayurveda, millets are considered sweet, heating, dry and light and are full of nutrients. Include jawar, bajra, makka and foxtail millet in your diet in various forms such as bhakri, rotla, porridge or laddoos. Millets are known to nourish prana and improve appetite.

Legumes are the next important food items for winters. These are filling and provide high protein as found in meat, cheese, eggs, and fish. However, for people who are new to legumes should go slow at first because these are heavy for digestion. Do include legumes such as chickpeas, soybean, lentils and kidney beans in your diet in form of salads, soups or curries.

Gear up for winters, my friend!

Don’t worry if your appetite is stronger in this season. You body needs that energy to build immunity and fight cold. A well-balanced diet and regular exercise will make winters much more fun that you could think of. The simple principle of Ayurveda is respect mother nature and embrace it in every form including our diet.

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katjiekat · 5 years

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Quest 8: Write Down 100 Questions. Boss 8: Finding 100 Questions That Are Not Mediocre. Status: Completed?

^Questioning Mind by Michael Alfano.

Questions for my reader, since you’ve been so loyal in reading this far.

Is this really what I’m going to write as my first question?

Am I doing this right?

Probably not, should I change them up a bit?

Yes, I think let’s go a bit of a more interesting route, what do you think, reader?

So this is what it’s like to “break the 4th wall,” are you scared now?

I’m just kidding, why not come along with me and explore some more questions?

I don’t think I’m allowed to google these things am I?

Well I did for this one and it’s pretty interesting so, what do you call the smell after it rains? (Answer: Petrichor).

Who invented the number 9? (Wikipedia: “the origin of the 9 integers can be attributed to ancient Indian civilization, and was adopted by subsequent civilizations in conjunction with the 0.”) It’s actually rather interesting how the first ‘9′ integers looked, see the evolution of this integer in the first picture at the bottom of these questions.

Hey reader, can you understand Japanese?

Well, here’s a nice question for you anyway - “こんにちは、私の名前はジェスです。あなたの名前は何ですか？”

You didn’t understand that? Well, here’s how to say it according to Google Translate: “Kon'nichiwa, watashinonamaeha jesudesu. Anata no namae wa nanidesu ka?”

You still didn’t understand that? Well, sorry, you’ll have to look it up.

On a scale from 1-you can’t directly respond to me, how tired are you?

Are you as tired as I am?

What’s your usual bedtime?

Oh, that’s cool, mine’s similar. Doesn’t going to bed that late make you all groggy the next day? Well, it does for me. I don’t know how you do it.

When you are old, what do you think children will ask you to tell stories about? I once lay on a tester bed in the middle of a mall with my best friend and a creepy security guard with the biggest gap-tooth I’ve ever seen came up to us not to chase us away but rather to ask if he could join us... Obviously we said no and ran away.

What food have you never eaten but would really like to try?

What “old person” things do you do? I like naps very very much.

What’s the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Back in 2009, I went to India to help out a charity. While I was there, I was introduced to chapatis, milk straight from a cow and the hottest chilli I’ve ever eaten - I ate it whole.

What’s your cure for hiccups? I take a deep breath and then swallow, that usually does the trick. For about a minute anyway.

What’s your favourite weather? Mine is when it rains for the whole day and it’s kinda cold and I can just cuddle in bed with a movie and hot chocolate.

If you had to choose between eating a really nice soup with a fork and a really horrible soup with a spoon, which would you choose?

What do you usually do when you procrastinate?

Do you think that aliens exist?

Are you religious?

What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis?

If animals could talk, which animal would be the most annoying?

What’s the funniest comedy skit you’ve seen? All that needs to be said here is Monte Python or any mention of John Cleese for that matter.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve done or had happen while your mind was wandering? Unintentional awkward eye contact...

What was the best thing that happened to you today?

How do you make yourself sleep when you can’t seem to get to sleep?

What’s the opposite of a koala?

What’s the smartest thing you’ve seen an animal do? Cue the endless supply of videos on YouTube of dogs opening doors and fridges and parrots counting to 30.

What did you Google last?

What qualities do all your friends have in common?

Music recommendations?

What’s the nearest thing to your left?

What would be an accurate tag line for each month?

What’s the most embarrassing story from your childhood? When I was about 5 or so, I decided it would be an amazing idea to participate in a one-girl fashion show. My audience consisted of my step dad and his business partner that was probably there for a meeting. I cringe to this day as I remember how I waltzed around in my baby pink gown and little kitty cat slippers thinking I was the hippest chick ever.

How are you still reading this far?

I hope you’re not bored. Would you tell me if you are?

What’s fine in small numbers but terrifying in large numbers? Any kind of bug.

What did you believe for way too long as a child?

What’s your favorite holiday movie? The Nightmare Before Christmas <3

When was the last time you stayed up through the entire night? What is university?

What outdated slang do you use on a regular basis? Okidokie.

What happens regularly that would horrify a person from 100 years ago?

What questions would you like to ask a time traveler from 200 years in the future?

What awful movie do you love?

What’s the best sandwich you’ve ever had?

What’s the most annoying thing about the social media platform you use most often? I feel like there’s only one answer to this. And that’s ads.

What would be the most unsettling thing to keep occasionally finding around your house?

How much do you think names affect the outcomes of people’s lives?

What are some of the dumbest lyrics you’ve heard in a song? The ting goes skrrrahh, pap, pap, ka-ka-ka.

What word do you always mispronounce? The word “rant.”

What would be the worst food to be liquefied and drunk through a straw?

When was the last time you were hopelessly lost? We all know that “lost in a supermarket, can’t find mom” feeling.

What two films would you like to combine into one?

What’s the most boring super hero you can come up with? Subjectively, “Accounting Man.”

What word is a lot of fun to say? Just say the word “bubbles” a few times and tell me your answer.

If your five-year-old self suddenly found themselves inhabiting your current body, what would your five-year-old self do first? I used to dream of swimming in chocolate.

What is something that everyone looks stupid doing?

In 40 years what will people be nostalgic for? Somehow I’d imagine little touch screen phones will die out eventually.

What is the weirdest thing you have seen in someone else’s home? A decapitated doll hanging from a ceiling fan...

What set of items could you buy that would make the cashier the most uncomfortable?

What are the unwritten rules of where you work? It used to be “Your hours are 7-4 but your real hours are 6:30-whenever we say you can go.”

What is something that you just recently realized that you are embarrassed you didn’t realize earlier?

What’s the best type of cheese? Gouda, holloumi, feta, Parmesan...

What would be the worst “buy one get one free” sale of all time? A coffin.

What’s the weirdest thing a guest has done at your house?.

What mythical creature would improve the world most if it existed?

If peanut butter wasn’t called peanut butter, what would it be called?

If someone asked to be your apprentice and learn all that you know, what would you teach them?

If you see a puddle on the ground, do you walk around it or over it?

If you got to name a new country, how would you decide what to call it?

What would be the title of your memoir?

What do you give a damn about?

If you could have one 'do over' in your life, what would you do differently?

What is your earliest memory?

What do you miss about being a kid?

What’s something you want to do in the next year that you’ve never done before? I want to get two tattoos - one of a koi fish and another of a cat.

What makes you happy? Food, the special people in my life and naps.

What’s your ideal weekend?

What’s your favorite quote?

What do you want your legacy to be? I hope my work becomes significant in the art/design/writing world.

What was the first thing you bought with your own money? An icecream!

How do you like to be comforted when you’re upset? Food, love and series.

What’s a favorite memory with a pet/animal?

What do you think your best physical feature is?

What scares you the most about the future?

Who was your favourite teacher in high school?

What’s your favourite colour?

Do you prefer mornings or evenings?

What is the best book ever written?

What’s something bad that’s happened to someone that you wish you could change?

Do you like mugs? I absolutely love collecting mugs.

Who is the most important person in your life? I have three: my mother, my brother and my boyfriend.

Did you enjoy reading all these random questions as much as I enjoyed writing them?

^The evolution of the number 9 (see question 9).

Concept extracted: Questions.

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headstailsandinbetween-blog · 6 years

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BREXIT MEANS BREXIT

I wrote this short sketch/satire one wet afternoon, while in a fit of depression a short time after the 2016 Referendum. If Brexit goes ahead, because the Country makes an informed choice between a specific Brexit and Remaining in EU, then so be it. I won’t be happy but I can accept that as a democratic outcome. However, until that happens I will oppose Brexit with every fibre of my being.

I hope it amuses.

BREXIT MEANS BREXIT – Theresa May 11 July 2016

A Fantasia (UK) Production – In two Acts

ACT 1 - The Surgery of Drs Cameron, Fox, Gove, Johnson, Davis, Clarke, Morgan, Grieve, et al.

Mr Joe Public (Patient)

Doctor I have this pain in my gut.

Dr David Cameron (General Practitioner)

I’d better examine you then … hop up onto the couch please

Dr Cameron

Yes ... I thought so ... you’ve got EUralgia. There’s been an epidemic of the condition in the last few years. The treatments so far have met with little or no success and they’re costing the NHS dearly.

Mr Public

Is it serious Doctor?

Dr Cameron

Well it won’t kill you if that’s what you mean. It’s caused by a build up of bile from consuming too much British Beef. The strange thing is that for everyone who has EUralgia there’s another with EUphoria. Their gut just reacts differently - no one knows why. They say it’s better to eat EU beef, but that’s not to everyone’s taste. I find that the older generation don’t tolerate it too well.

Mr Public

What do you recommend Doctor? Is there a cure?

Dr Cameron

Well, it’s a very contentious area, medically speaking that is. It isn’t all that long ago that we discovered it was British Beef that caused it. It used to be thought it had something to do with an excess of butter; then it was wine; and at one point, would you believe, it was thought to be something to do with straight bananas. Now we’re certain though that beef is the culprit. British beef that is - EU beef has been known to cause problems but on a much lesser scale.

Mr Public

Will it get better Doctor?

Dr Cameron

That’s hard to say at the moment. But if you’re worried about CJD - or Mad Cow Disease as it’s more commonly known- don’t be. I’m not aware of any connections, though I have wondered about it from time to time. The symptoms can appear similar in some more extreme cases; I even got to wondering if some of my medical colleagues might have it until I knew it wasn’t that.

Mr Public

Is there a treatment Doctor?

Dr Cameron

Well, as it happens I have read of a proposed treatment. It hasn’t been tried yet but there’s been a lot about it recently in the Medical Press.

Mr Public

That sounds interesting Doctor. What does it involve?

Dr Cameron

Well it’s not a treatment that would appeal to everyone. It’s quite radical really and - as I said - it hasn’t been put to the test by anyone yet. It is a surgical procedure known as a EUrectomy. In the British Medical Press there’s been quite a lot of support for it. Within the practice some of my colleagues support it wholeheartedly, while others feel that it’s far too risky. Our Continental cousins are generally speaking very doubtful, so the idea hasn’t caught on over there at all.

Mr Public

What are the risks Doctor?

Dr Cameron

Well, as I say, it is an untried procedure. All surgery carries risks but in this case there is the possibility of severe complications affecting major organs. As yet it can’t be done on the NHS. Therefore there will be fees to consider; though proponents of the procedure say it will greatly benefit the NHS so that may change. The bottom line is that no one can really say at this point in time that the procedure works or doesn’t work. What we need is some high quality research trials, but much of the profession are strangely resistant to that and want to forge ahead.

Mr Public

So where do we go from here Doctor?

Dr Cameron

Well … that’s pretty straightforward really. I’ve got a Consent Form here. All you need do is sign it and I’ll refer you on to my Consultant colleague, Mrs May. Excellent woman with no bias one way or the other as far as I can tell. Seems to be sitting on the fence just now, waiting to see how things develop. [Confidential aside to the audience – I think she may have her sights on a Professorship]. You can be sure that Mrs May won’t proceed unless she’s convinced it’s the right course …. course for you I mean!

Mr Public

But isn’t that rather problematic Doctor? I mean signing the Consent Form for an experimental and controversial procedure which you said yourself carries some heavy risks?

Dr Cameron

I shouldn’t worry about that old chap. You’ll be well looked after by Mrs May. She’s a safe pair of hands. Steady as a rock. She won’t do anything rash I can assure you.

Mr Public

What’s your view on the operation Doctor?

Dr Cameron

Well to be frank, I’m not convinced yet, but some of my most influential colleagues swear by it and I have every respect for their judgment.

Dr Cameron

[Aside directed confidentially to the audience - ‘They’ve been pretty outspoken of late. I don’t want to upset them or risk hostility. I could find myself out of a job - and why risk that for something that’ll probably come to nothing].

Mr Public

Well Doctor I really am finding the pain pretty intolerable. Every day it seems to get worse. If there’s the hope of a cure I don’t want to miss out. And as you say Mrs May sounds the sort of person who wouldn’t dream of going ahead unless she herself had assessed all the facts and thought it was the best answer. I’ll sign.

Dr. Cameron

Good man.

ACT 2 - Nine months later in Mrs May’s Private Consulting Rooms

Mrs Theresa May(Consultant EU Surgeon)

Good morning Mr Public. How are you today?

Mr Public

Well Doctor, not so good I’m afraid. The pain is no better. Dr Cameron said it was EUralgia and could be operated upon. But this last few months I’ve been reading all the debate in the Press about that and I’m beginning to feel less sure about things. The Continental Medical Press especially seems aghast at the procedure. They think it’s madness.

Mrs May

I see. Well you don’t want to believe everything you read. There’s an awful lot of hot air around at the moment. The important thing is you’ve consented to the operation. Medical Science has been working on the subject and there have been some good discussions of late - though conclusions seem to be as far away as ever. While I can’t guarantee there won’t be complications my colleagues are convinced it’s the way forward. I respect their views … and yours of course Mr Public.

Mr Public

What do you advise Doctor?

Mrs May

Have the operation - get it over with.

Mr Public

But you would postpone surgery if you thought it would be harmful … wouldn’t you Doctor?

Mrs May

Sorry old chap but that’s not possible. You signed the consent form after all. No going back on that I’m afraid.

Mr Public

But when I signed the form Doctor I didn’t know the half of what I do now. Do I still have to have the operation? Couldn’t I just wait and see where Science takes us before deciding if I want to go under the knife. It really does appear to be a risky procedure.

Mrs May

No No Mr Public. You’ve signed. That’s all there is to it. And you’re in good hands. We just have to make the best of things. I’m absolutely clear on that. The most we could do would be to delay a little but in the end … you’ll have to go through with it.

Mr Public

But Doctor, I signed the Consent Form without knowing fully what I was signing up to … and on the understanding that I would be sure the operation would help when the time came to carry it out. It wasn’t an informed consent. Some of the things I was told at the time turned out to be totally incorrect; others are hotly disputed and as time has gone on I’m realising there were a great many things I wasn’t told at all. In fact looking back, I don’t think anyone had the faintest Idea about the difficulties I might face, or the expense.

Mrs May

Doesn’t change a thing Mr Public. You signed.

Mrs May

[Confidential aside to the audience - ‘And I’d soon be out of a job if I didn’t go ahead’].

BREXIT IS BREXIT - Theresa May - 11 July 2016

FOOTNOTE

In the run up to the 2016 Referendum I was very sceptical about leaving the EU, despite having no great love for the Institution. Like most things in life the EU seemed to me to have many good points and many bad points. In common with most of the Public at that time I was relatively ignorant of the detail, so my decision was made largely on my gut feeling; which was that we should Remain. To be frank I wasn’t greatly impressed by the standard of the debate or by the arguments put forward by either side. A major factor in my mind then - and now - is that the younger generations are overwhelmingly in support of staying in. At 69 I did not feel I had the right to counter that, when it was largely their future at stake and not mine.

I really do understand why many people - and particularly many older people - decided to Vote Leave. However, I remain - and will always remain - utterly baffled by (i) the process through which we have arrived at our present destination; (ii) the resistance to a meaningful vote in Parliament/or a Referendum on Terms; and (iii) the refusal of the Government to countenance that we could well reach the point - if we haven’t already - when to proceed with Brexit would be tantamount to an act of National suicide.

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snsmissionaries · 6 years

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6/26/18 -- Elder Braden Cowden

Another Day, Another Doug

Hola Everyone! I wrote most of this email out ahead of time so that I do not waste time thinking. So come on everybody, here we gooooo..... ( Peter Pan)

So to start out with all the things I MISSED in last weeks email because I knew I would, and I did. So these past couple weeks I have gotten quite a bit of nicknames, such as Coyote which is from the sister missionary, Hermana Binghley, that we met at the airport and we talked with her mom and family. She thought I said Coyote instead of Cowden. Another one is Vacaden, which is from the other Hermanas in my district who thought it would be funny to change Cow to Vaca which is cow in spanish! And one of my most favorites is Star Lord! Yes, you read correctly! This is because people said that I reminded them of Chris Pratt and I was one day jammin to some old school music by myself and they told me that I am just a missionary version of him haha. Which I do not mind at all! I was going to bring up Captain America but then I thought, Nah It is okay you can be Star Lord here and Captain America at home. Plus i did not want to sound TOO self conceited haha. It is very different having your first name be Elder all the time and whenever you say or hear your first name, it just sounds weird! Plus all I feel like I am missing is a loud thunderous voice saying COWDEN from behind! (Shoutout to Troy)

Also at the airport, I forgot to take my shoes off at security. Apparently nobody noticed or cared so that was a little tender mercy, but interesting. I received a very kind and special package from my family that had cookies, chocolate milk powder, and peanut butter and jelly (i get the reason for those haha) anyways I decided to share the cookies with my district, teachers, branch presidency, and the new Latin Districts! Just so you guys know, I will not be upset if I received more haha! One day our window to our room was left open and it happened to rain, so a lot of the papers that I had brought got wet. That was not fun! I laid them out to dry though so they are not completely ruined. It has rained here A LOT! like this is a whole new level of rain that I have seen.

I almost had to get vaccinations while I was here until we found out that yellow fever is not needed for for Argentina. I was SO relieved! I would have been a little upset because I specifically do not remember seeing yellow fever anywhere in my missionary packet! It was a close one...

OH! So last P Day I got to attend the Mexico City temple! It is the largest temple outside of the U.S. and it is one in five temples who have Moroni holding the plates as well. The visitors center was really interesting and amazing but also very different from the others I have been to. The buildings behind the temple used to be the old MTC in Mexico until they moved it to the old high school location in 2013. Fun Fact for ya, one of the counselors in my branch presidency attended the high school back when it was a high school! And to answer a lot of peoples questions, that has been the only time I have left the MTC grounds and went into Mexico. However, I was on a bus. So technically I never set foot in Mexico, yet. It is interesting to think that for the past month, I have not stood on unholy ground! It was here, bus, Temple grounds, back on the bus, back to the MTC. But I absolutely loved seeing Mexico as I drove by. I saw lots of familiar things, such as Sears, Home Depot, and even Chilis! But i also saw some interesting things, like sculptures of golden body builders wearing a speedo soooo....

The endowment session was all in spanish so I had to be the person who wore those headphones to be able to understand everything! It was a very spiritual experience to see that although it was the same ordinance, it was different in its own unique way, which I liked and am thankful for. My spanish was rough, but I was able to do it! I got lots of pictures however I do not know how to use these computers to put pictures in them and I rather not waste time right now but I promise when I can and am able to, I will. But it may not be until Argentina but THEY ARE COMING!!!

Now for this past week! When I look back on it i can see that it went by pretty quickly. Nothing too exciting happened really except for this past Tuesday Devotional. We had a general authority seventy come and speak to us and it was such an amazing experience! Although in Spanish, and had to have a translator to make it easier so he didnt have to worry about speaking both languages, the words touched my heart for sure. I cant exactly remember his name at this moment, but I wrote it down so I have it! He is the are authority over Mexico I think. He went over the sacredness and magnificence of our mission call and the process of being assigned. One of the apostles go into a room accompanied by at least one other person and there are two big screens. One has all the information about the missionary and the other has all the missions of the world. The rest is just revelation... And i have heard stories about how apostles, even Elder Rendlund, who had gone back to a certain missionary 2 or 3 times because they just had a sickening feeling about it even after they were like 10 names passed! That right there is a testimony of revelation from God and how God calls all of us to a certain area because that is where we need to be. He also read through the mission call letter and pretty much roasted us for those who did not read the letter all the way through. But it is okay, I totally did haha!

Anyways the rest of my week was just classes and more spanish. My spanish is becoming a lot better and my district is having an English Fast until Monday. So I will see how that turns out! But i really want that gift of tongues, So I am willing to do whatever it takes!

We had a couple classes on Family History and Self Reliance and how we can now use those as tools and ways to help others we come into contact with. It is like a new initiative the church is starting as of April or something like that. IDK, I just do as I am told haha

Every week i am going to do LAYLAS WORDS CORNER!

{For those of you who may not know, Layla is Braden’s much adored 5 year old cousin. These are the words she asked him to translate into Spanish for her.}

Pink ~ Rosado

20 ~ Veinte

100 ~ Cien

Sun ~ Sol

Love ~ Amor

Heart ~ Corazon

I miss you guys and I can not wait to hear more from you guys! I love you! Whenever I get sad or down, all i say to myself is that..... I Can Do This All Day

Elder Cowden

P.S. my Maestros say HI!!! (Teachers(

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passportrequired · 6 years

Text

Mooshka: The Restaurant That Almost Made Me Vegan

It’s important to start by telling you about my eating habits: I’m vegan adjacent. That means I enjoy vegetables, but I’d rather wrap my entire being around a beautifully cooked steak with visible sizzling herbs and a pink Crayola couldn’t create. It means I believe a whole red snapper will cure whatever ails me, anything with real butter will undoubtedly taste like the blood of god, and I will overlook the lard they mention in my favorite box of cornbread mix. Yes, vegan adjacent. Now hold that thought for a second.

Picture it: Early May in Amsterdam, I’m slightly hungry after a week of traveling and a long day of walking along the canals, frolicking through passage ways, and train hopping to parts of the city outsiders rarely visit, and since I’ve moved on from the not-so-seasoned Dutch food this beautiful country has to offer, finding a delicious meal that I haven’t yet had is difficult. A voice comes to me in the form of a Facebook message, jokingly saying “I know you dislike vegan restaurants and hate vegans, but you must try Mooshka.” To be clear, I don’t hate vegans, I just hate their missionary-like approach to converting others. I do strongly dislike those with newfound gluten allergies, however. So what did I do? Called a friend and we jumped on the train at Amsterdam Centraal Station and we made our way downtown, riding fast, faces passed, we were Mooshka bound.

My stomach jumped from the train before I could, and we were on Van Woustraat, made the left on Ceintuubaan, and another left on Hemonystaat and there, at #66 (Location Has Changed Since This Interview. New Location Below), was the cool spot with a cow painted on the window. Another thing I should note: Whenever I intentionally set my Plan A meal to vegan, I look for the cheap Plan B meal, in case I’m not full when the overly-priced Plan A is done.

Before I get to the food, there is one truth you should know: I eat vegan-ly often. I just rarely share this out of shame and fear of being judged. Granted, it’s sometimes by mistake and without my knowledge until the end of the meal or until someone has pointed it out. But hey! Sometimes it’s very intentional, and the truth is I do feel better about myself afterward.

Now for the meal: I ordered the Injera with spicy stew of red lentils, a spicy stew of ground chick peas, spinach, a mix of veggies in a masala sauce, and eggplant stew. My friend, Jacqueline ordered the Fried rice and vegetables with a Portobello and a fried banana. And because it felt more like a “Treat Yourself” kind of day, I topped it off with the Caribbean Burger made with quinoa, and topped with delicious dopeness.

Have you sat and had food so good that you:

A. Called the chef to the table so you could slap them and their mama? B. Asked for another menu because you obviously didn’t read the special ingredients that went into making the magic? C. Forget to speak to your tablemate? D. Get upset because you’re just finding out about the goodness currently dripping from your lip?

If You Are Are Me: All of the above. Then I leaned over the balcony from my seat on the second level, and requested time with the self-proclaimed chef, dreamer, cleaner, hostess, and owner, Sarah Reymond, to find out exactly how this amazing food came to be. Lucky for me, the kitchen was closing and she said yes. Listen, when you appreciate good food as much as I do, it’s important that you let the creator know it.

Sarah Reymond, Owner. Credit: ThisGirlCanCook.NL

Darnell: Listen, I don’t know what kind of vegan witchcraft you have going on here, but this food was…well, amazing. Maybe it was just these dishes we chose though and the others are disgusting, as most vegan food is.

We laugh, knowing damn well that’s a joke.

Sarah: No, no, no. Everything we make here is amazing. You want to try something else?

Darnell: God no! I’m so full.

How fun this is going to be, I thought. Good food and a conversation with a funny woman. So we get to the good questions.

Darnell: How long has Mooshka been around, keeping these folks healthy and happy?

Sarah: Almost two years. I opened December 18, 2016. I was 4 months pregnant and celebrated a birthday the day before. What a time it was. What a great time it’s been so far. And yeah, the people who come around this corner are healthier and happier.

A plate of bitterballen and dip are special delivered to the table and I laugh because I’m full, but I’m also a pig, so of course we eat them without missing a beat. Sarah sits across from me with the “mmhmm, I know they’re good” face. Good? An understatement.

Darnell: So one day, you sat back, ate a carrot and said, “I’m gonna open a shop?”

Sarah: No, crazy man. I was in university studying international business and management and a fan of organic foods. I figured I’d graduate, buy a small place, and sell organic meals. Then one day, after my studies, I watched a documentary called Vegucated. After that film, I knew the vegan life was the life for me, but quickly found how difficult it was to grab a quick bite while I was on the go. That’s when I started working on the business plan.

Darnell: And what a dope business it turned out to be. When I walked in, it was like I felt the work the went into creating this. Is that normal? What do you want customers to feel?

Sarah: When customers walk in, I want them to feel welcomed and cared for. I put a lot of love into the food and service, and I want them to taste and experience that.

Darnell: Yes! Yes, that’s exactly what that feeling was. Even the customers who sat across from us interrupted my chewing to ask, “Isn’t is good? I love this place so much.” I guess they saw the first-timer look in my eyes.

Sarah: I have some pretty wonderful customers. I love them all.

Darnell: And what’s next for Mooshka? This animal-free food business is taking off globally, and you are certainly all up in the mix. What are your goals?

Sarah: I would love to expand into more areas throughout the Netherlands. More restaurants, but without that “chain” feel. And even internationally.

Darnell: Hell yeah, internationally. Now that you’ve truly sold me on the perfect, delicious, and cheap vegan meal, how am I supposed to go back to the States and survive? When I sit down to eat a burger because it’s cheaper than a mushroom, I’ll curse you for not being in Los Angeles or New York or wherever I am. So make it quick.

Sarah: I’m coming! Just wait!

Darnell: Okay. Final question. You have one special invite you can send to your dream guest. Who are you inviting to Mooshka and what are you cooking for them?

Sarah: Easy! Gordon Ramsey. I love how blunt he is and he’d be an amazing person to talk and laugh with over the Injera, Caribbean Burger and Chocolat Chip Bananacake I’d make him. I’m pretty sure I can go toe-to-tie with him in a conversation and I already have a list of questions I’d ask him about the restaurant business and cooking.

Sarah, Jacqueline, and I laughed a bit longer while I rubbed my belly and peeped around the corner to see if more food was going to magically appear on the table. It didn’t, unfortunately. The cleaning had begun, the chairs were being put up, and the cases where the food was stored were empty. It was time to disappear back into the Amsterdam streets.

One last truth: Mooshka is by far the greatest vegan joint in Amsterdam (and soon, the world) and if you’re ever there and want great food cooked with love and seasoning, go! Talk with owners, Sarah and Andre, and make yourself at home, because that’s what it feels like!

Oh F***! I forgot to order dessert!

Van Woustraat 110H 1073 LS Amsterdam, Netherlands

Monday Closed Tuesday 12–10PM Wednesday 12–10PM Thursday 12–10PM Friday 12–11PM Saturday 12–11PM Sunday 12–10PM

Mooshka: The Restaurant That Almost Made Me Vegan was originally published on Passport Required

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blondfishbish · 7 years

Text

Weird Shit My Friends Have Said With Zero Context

"You are an in innocent little slut." "Dab party." "Sloth-looking uniboob bitch." "I am the housewife, fuck." "My precious child, Satan." "Bow before my technology." "See, I didn't think about that because I am inconsiderate." "I'm just trying to show that I'm interested even though I'm not." "There are no stars-" "Because they're all in your eyes." "Gay." "How the hell did you get off to a bad start with the neighbors?" "They're aliens I swear." "I look like a discount Harry Potter." "Twas pretty gooch." "I am a bad millennial." "Trust no one but have fun." "I don't mean to be the mom friend yes I do." "Please don't bring the Kardashians into my classroom, they shouldn't exist." "This is a Möbius strip of fuckitude." "I just work here." "Entirely my fault but that does not mean I won't fuck up again." "I think I pretty much am a golden retriever." "Where do you sleep?" "There's a fridge." "I'm gonna drop it -five.... four... three... two... one." "Reflexes like a cat." "She gave you a count down." "They're kinda fucked up in the head so they named him George." "Hold onto your gravy, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." "One two three four, I declare a thumb war." "It's not a war if I submit." "My choices are poor and my wallet is poorer." "I enjoy the name 'Poog.'" "How about you drink a nice tall glass of shut the hell up." "This bitch just called me an ogre." "Where do you think I get my peanut brittle from?" "A dead guy." "I'm always mad. I'm a tiny little ball angry." "Yellow." "Blue -what are we doing." "What'd you say? Debbie Dick? Who's Debbie?" "There's a demon in you." "Yeah, I named him Hector." "High school puppy love." "Puppies?" "That is a very tall and skinny child." "I've seen taller and skinnier." "You are a worldly child." "Fuck, she's dead." "Why does it say blue?" "It's -its blue." "I'm not her keeper." "You're her mother." "So?" "Why do I jump straight to putting people in graves." "My milkshake needs to bring all the boys to the yard." "But I'm lactose intolerant." "I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyways. You know why? Because I don't care." "I don't want to be over the hill, I want to be under it. Bury me already." "I want donuts." "You know what, Emily? You don't get fucking donuts." "You're my donut." "Thanks man." "What's your character?" "I don't know, black?" "I have a knack for order of operations." "Here's the thing: we have a lot of oreos." "Who even is this guy?" "Don't you fuckin' wink at me you bitch." "I want my skin to feel as if it's on fire." "I'm upsetti spaghetti." "That's my favorite meal." "I am the spawn point." "Saying that I woke up early implies that I went to sleep, which would be incorrect." "Fuck me up with a chicken stick." "I know you're an asshole, but try to be less of an asshole." "Nick is Arabic for dick." "Actually I'm pretty sure dick is Arabic for dick." "Guys, don't try to confuse me it's too easy." "I fixed my syntax you bitch." "Who cares, life is pointless." "I guess you've never seen the original Icelandic play, but he's actually a blue elf." "Is this you telling me you're gonna slit my throat again because that wasn't appreciated the first time around." "I never want to see you again." "Then gouge your fucking eyes out." "I dab unironically." "I'm going to injure you." "What?" "I'm going to injure you." "You're going to eat me?" "No." "What'd you say?" "I said I'm going to injure you." "How?" "Violently." "Everything went black." "Racist." "Did you just assume that all black people are bad?" "No, I assumed that all black people are black." "You whore." "I'll attach mine back on." "That's really creepy." "What the fuck do I give about a salad." "Never mind, this is Ben, the fuck up." "You have a great face for drag." "Do you know what cookie it was? It tastes like a snickerdoodle." "Then was it maybe a fucking snickerdoodle?" "I'm trying to be fancy and you're on me." "She just wants to feel close to you." "Yeah, well feel close to me somewhere else." "Is he cute?" "No, he's white." "I have a mind like a steel trap; a steel trap corroded by time and weather." "Is that a unit of measure?" "No, that's a unit of fuck you." "You whore." "Actually, the proper term is prostitute." "But you don't get paid." "Do I need to?" "Dude, you just kicked her in the wrist." "I used to win burping contests all the time in middle school." "That is the nerdiest thing I have ever heard." "What? I was short and chubby and I wasn't particularly good at anything." "Hey, you've got shit coming out of you." "I dropped my phone on the most significant part of my pinky toe." "Am I the only one not wearing pants?" "Someone undress me." "I'm coming in hot, Bean." "I am a bad habit." "Give me your nipple." "If you get to cheat on me, I get to pinch your nipple." "Those hamsters are not having a good time." "Who even likes oats -oh. Dragons." "Why is he wearing shorts?" "He defies the gods." "He's gay. The gods don't want him." "Are you a whale or a bird?" "... I'm a dolphin." "I punched a cup." "Why do you... why do you have a cactus?" "Because I'm Mexican and we eat cactuses." "I promptly prescribe my biggest fuck you in the ass to be taken immediately." "Ow, that would be painful." "Wow, it's almost like it's a fucking knife." "Your ass. Do with it what you will." "It's a reminder not to do bad things and then I do bad things while looking at it and feel guilty." "No, officer, I do not have a burger in my purse." "I know my limits but I do not adhere to them." "We're here, we're queer, and we're just gonna go play some video games." "Fuck home, let's go to Mount Scott." "What?" "Huh? Nothing." "Jenesais pa." "Pa." "I'm always a slut for nuggies." "Ye." "I'm gonna get to go home and you -we don't know what's going to happen to you but we're going to assume it's bad." "Your shadow is suspicious." "You drive with your feet and while looking at your phone." "So? I don't see a problem with that." "Were you throwing my own Cheetos at me?" "Great, now I have peanut butter in my wound." "We can't have a soup party, Jenna." "When's our friendaversary?" "We don't have one, fuck you." "Who the fuck let the cows out." "Do you have your socks on? Because I'm about to knock them off." "It's like they literally want me to crush their body with my car." "If you're gonna rearend my car then just end me." "I don't even have pockets." "You're wearing cargo pants." "Shut up." "That was a lot of thrusting." "This is a sleepy bean. They're rare and I caught one." "Did you just refer to your vagina as Sadness and Despair." "You keep hitting me in the nose." "That's because your nose is huge." "You're such a grouchy old man." "Yes. I've been practicing." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of rock." "I am a rabbit punch." "Peanut butter is a natural ointment." "That's the wrong animal." "Peanut butter's not even an animal." "Yes." "Too many skeletons, too many closets, and I don't know where they all are." "I just burped up apples, I'm a fucking unicorn." "There's a McDonalds statue." "Otherwise known as our god." "You got chicken in my purse." "I think I just twisted my ankle galloping in here like a knight on a white horse." "What are you doing?" "I think I broke a nail." "Okay? But why are you holding onto me?" "I need balance." "Never have I ever fought a child." "You're about to." "You just head butted my Pokéball." "Fuck, man, I was sniffing that." "I'm too small to be filled with this much rage." "It's not polite to be a little bitch either, y'know, but here you are." "Is it hazing?" "No, it's friendship." "I have no clue how to start anything but fires and fistfights." "Where are we going?" "You know, if I knew I would tell you." "Tyler, I'm sorry." "Apologize later when I'll forgive you." "Can I get back on the bench? I've got one butt cheek off." "Why are you guys such nerds? " "Why are you such a fucking dick?" "I dunno know, daddy issues?" "How about you eat my ass -wait no, that's weird. How about you eat your own ass." "Hey guess what, dumbass? My car smells like fucking chicken." "You know she smokes cigarettes with eyebrows like that." "You're our teacher." "Okay, listen up assholes." "You -I -huegh." "He's like the height of chewbacca." "I'm being a desperate penis, okay?" "If she wants to be a murderer..." "You don't have any friends here, everyone wants to either see you beat or leave." "You're gonna get fucked by splooge that's disgusting." "You made a cake for yourself?" "Yeah, it's called being lonely." "He did not calculate the trajectory of how he was going to eat shit." "I don't pray." "To Lima beans yes you do." "Shut up, I'm praying to the good lord Lima Bean." "It's because of my scintillating conversation topics." "Ew I don't like that word, don't say that ever again." "... conversation?" "I didn't water my parsley! I'm upset." "We express things differently in Bean Town." "The squirrel thought your throw was embarrassing." "Moral of the story: finish making your Mac and Cheese, don't hide in the corner, the Babadook isn't real, don't watch the fuckin movie." "Did you just backhand a balloon?" "Karma doesn't exist, life just sucks." "In spirit I am a Great Dane. And you are a chihuahua." "Is that an onion?" "Yep." "Okay." "My stripper name is Borris." "That's like cheetahs without legs." "Why would you want a fish? They can't even talk." "I think you scuffed my loafers." "Somewhere in the two and a half hour movie, I'm gonna have to pee." "Weak." "I'm old and have the bladder of a small child. I make no excuses." "Trust me, if my expectations were any lower we'd all need to be worried about a serious self-esteem issue."

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moonpiemag-blog · 7 years

Text

I’m thinking about ancestors. And gefilte fish.

I’m the type of newly minted adult that can barely manage to tie my shoes. I spend 40 dollars on pot in a good week. I use money like it doesn’t matter. I take my daily life for granted. The all-black pants I wear. The nonchalant way in which I assert my dominance crossing the street. In every way possible I am fulfilled in my ability to be a contributing part of society. Yet I squander my power, i tuck it away in a gem covered box, and I quell my fears with smoke. So many people I know find themselves open, and ready for life but empty inside. Pamela uses men to fill the void. She wants someone to prove that her worth is more than a pretty face. Shag uses cigarettes and a dreams for fleeting loves-lost. She needs to know that her dream of another city, another town, another place, is possible. Jay opens a suitcase and packs all the love he carries into it. He knows that when anybody gets too enamored, they lose their vocational motivation. So he locks his need for a loving girlfriend away, pretends he’s okay, and writes and reads and clicks a calculator, settling for a grade on a slice of premium white notebook paper.

Whatever fulfills you, right? We all have our secrets, right?

It seems that problems were created when freedom was handed out. We all got our ticket. One-way, to the future. But here’s the thing, our ancestors, covered in muck, working away for golden bread and butter were poor, and ugly, and probably miserable at times, but they did have one thing: meaning. Forced meaning, that is.

In the olden days only few were destined for greatness. It was common knowledge that you grew into your parents, you fed your children, you wanted for nothing but to keep pushing forward until tomorrow, when you would wake up to the sound of chickens, and get ready to start it all over again. The simplicity of daily life made prospering creatively damn near impossible. It also made the ones that did slip by, societal outcasts. Drunks. Losers. Look at Hemingway. A genius, but sick. He gave in to his purpose by throwing away all hope for a normal life. For someone like Hemingway, the life he needed to live was not for himself. It wasn’t even for the milk-maid's son. It was for the future. It was for the young tuck in 50 years that would wake up, smiling, knowing that there was another outsider of the past that had defied the slim possibility into creativity.

Nowadays meaning could be anything; we can do anything; we can be anything. Nobody sits you down at age 13 and tells you you’re going to be forced into marriage with the milk-makers son. You don’t have to conceive at 16. You don’t have to cook dinner in a frying pan with homemade butter from your cow in the back. You can do what you want, order food in, dream of being a famous playwright, and have your parents sitting quaintly in the back as you tick away their savings at an elite NorthEast college because that’s what is expected of us all nowadays: anything. This is us following our dreams. Being who we want to be.

For our ancestors, you took the societal approach. You fall into the line handed to you, you make that family, and curate that house.

Nowadays, there is no two-choice solution. Anything is possible. You can follow so many paths: you can have kids in your 40’s, and don’t even need to get married to do it; you can get 4 degrees, flying around the world, eating fine cheese, with money somehow always appearing in your designer jeans pockets. It’s just a phase. One day you’ll settle down. Or you won’t, and that, in the long term, is ok, too.

Your life is not just set out for you in such simpleness. We go beyond the kitchen and try to be a filmographer but also tell ourselves that worse case scenario, we can “go to law school” if need be. It’s that simple. Life is a series of pamphlets we can all peruse and flip through at any time. We can choose, try the model out for a while, decide we made the wrong choice, return it, and begin the process again. Second chances are awaiting at every open door.

***

You can build a life from nothing. You can be a creative and talentless, mocking all that your ancestors worked for. And so damn ignorant you’ll never know the difference.

So how do we know If your vision matters more than the next damn fool with a dream?

How do we know If we’re harnessing our newfound freedom in the best way possible? Basically, how do we know if we’re not just wasting our damn time?

It’s so muddled nowadays, the distinction so unclear. I could go off on a little creative spark and change the world. Or I could lose myself, lose my chance and throw away the freedom i’ve been handed.

And then i’ll be sad because I’ll feel like i’m not living my best life, following my true ambitions. And i’ll be selfish and upset, and complain about my life because that’s what we do. Complain. But how could I even complain about such options? How can I think only of myself and my ambitions and my future and my job in such a way, when 100 years ago I wouldn’t have even considered the ability to change around a few tasks in my daily routine in life a chance. My ancestors never had such time of day to snooze around dreaming of the limelight.

It’s sick but true that my life all comes down to blind circumstance. I am who I am because I was born in 1997 to parents that let me believe I was special.

100 years ago, I wouldn’t have been special. I would have been another curly haired Jewish girl shipped off for marriage and a life spent in the kitchen, making and concocting delicacies. Chopping and serving. Wiping the sweat off my forehead onto the front pocket of my smock.

Remove a century, and I’m making gefilte fish for a High Holy Day celebration. Female dominance gone, in servitude to my tiny jewish community. I would have known nothing more than a few wooden doors, a Temple, and a city line.

I would wear long skirts, and listen to my disgusting bearded husband assert dominance as I brined up the fish in the bathtub, de-scaled it, sliced it in half, cut and chopped it into discernable pieces, fold and molded it into shape, and served it fresh for Passover supper with a smile for my beaming family. I would tell myself I was happy because how could I not be happy? I had love and was doing everything I was supposed to do. There was nothing more to dream of, there was nothing more to have, life was simple. It was a daily struggle, but one that was worthy in the eyes of the town, and my peers, and my God.

My life could have easily been that. Or worse.

But yet here I am, late into the darkness of night, and I still take this life for granted. I have a blank page ahead of me, no plans for forced marriage or a forced life in servitude.

And, so, I slice and dice my own thoughts up. Instead of preparing a luxury meal for my family, I’m left by myself, attempting to prepare a creative life worthy of success.

Instead of serving a husband and family, I serve a university. I serve expectations. But the problem is, with so much freedom, life becomes unclear. IT becomes a free-for-all where you can do ANYTHING.

but can you?

Should we be allowed so much choice? Am i just destined for a chopping board full of fish bits, but I’m too damn spoiled to realize it? Is it sick of me to even consider such a life?

I squalor the freedom I have been graciously handed on stupid things. I waste all of the fight that women of the past, tasting their bitter tears as they fed their children and men, accepted because they hoped one day things would change.

The freedom that women have fought so hard for has created a paradox wherein we all find ourselves alone, almost hoping for someone to tell us what to do, who to be. We are left in a self-motivated fight for our own creativity. We need it, we crave it, we don’t want to, but we do. And i’m not saying just manly approval. Yes, we crave manly approval, but it’s not the only approval, and surely not the most important.

What I’m talking about is much worse: creative approval. Intellectual approval. Societal approval.

So here I am again, sitting in a luxury Brownstone worth millions and I find myself feeling sorry for myself. Because I feel lost.

And so we’re right back where we started.

And i sink into my seat, thinking about my ancestors. And gefilte fish.

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junker-town · 7 years

Text

‘The Bachelor’ episode 4 recap: The women shovel cow poop, Raven once beat up a doctor with a stiletto, Corinne is still a menace

They go to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin and things get real.

Welcome to Week 3 of The Bachelor. We are recapping the show because The Bachelor is sports. Here is last week’s recap.

The Bachelor is technically a show about a man trying to find a woman. But you know what The Bachelor is really about? Women.

You know what else was recently about women? The women’s marches across the world that took place last weekend. You know who went? Nick Viall (is Nick Viall woke?)

Anything done peacefully in solidarity is something I can stand behind. Cheers to the women of the world! #equality #WomensMarch

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 21, 2017

I went to a march, too, in D.C. (after I made Corinne’s nanny’s Cheese Pasta) with friends and friends of friends. The friends of friends were absolutely rad and are now my new best friends, so we are all watching The Bachelor together tonight.

First, though, we went out to dinner and drank several bottles of rosé, because that’s what you do before you watch The Bachelor, which I have renamed The Women’s March Part II. I lost track of time, which is how I found myself sprinting through a city at 7:58 p.m. one minute and 30 seconds after finishing a fairly large truffle-infused cheeseburger.

I’m a little worried I might throw up now, but I made it in time, so let’s do this.

(Side note: You guys should all totally watch the Facebook live show First Impressions tomorrow at noon where I recap The Women’s March Part II with Liz Plank of Vox and Rebecca Jennings of Racked. Here’s last week’s episode, in case you missed it.)

VANESSA DUNKING ON NICK, CONTINUED

The show opens with the second half of the conversation that Nick and Vanessa had at the end of last episode, where Vanessa was like “cut the crap, bad hombre, or I’m gonna go nasty woman on your ass.”

Nick — and I’m paraphrasing here — is essentially like, okay, yes, I get where you might be upset that I dry humped another woman in a bouncy house, but this show is hard.

Then Chris Harrison shows up for his requisite two minutes per episode. This dude must be the highest earner per-second of any white man in the nation, which is saying something. Also, he always looks like he’s wearing a shirt (usually gingham) that he ordered online and has just taken out of the packaging. I can almost smell the starch from here.

Chris Harrison tells the women there will be a rose ceremony, and I wonder if he has any other words in his vocabulary besides “ladies” and “rose” and “ceremony.”

CORINNE INTERVENTION, PART I

This part is kind of boring, but the women are basically like, “Hey, Corinne, you’re immature and privileged.” And she’s like, “I am in no way privileged,” and I’m like, “I don’t think Corinne knows what the word privileged means.”

She’s so drunk, always.

ROSE CEREMONY/BOUNCY HOUSE CONTROVERSY

The producers must’ve had a bet going to see how many times they could get the women to say the words “bouncy house,” because the contestants say it at least 30 times in five minutes. They’re very disappointed in the tomfoolery that went on in that inflatable castle and they all want Nick to send Corinne home.

But he doesn’t. He asks her to accept a rose with her privileged fingers, and she does.

Everyone's like, "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

"It's seems like she's rubbing some of the girls the wrong way." - @chrisbharrison Maybe a bit...#TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/e4j2jD9cSW

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

And I’m like, “Of course he did!” Corinne makes for great TV and Nick wants to have sex with her. Why would he send her home? I don't even think the producers are making him hold onto her. He’s smart enough to know he needs drama for ratings because he’s been on this show 14,000 times before. Corinne is, if nothing else, drama (and also sex).

WE ALL HAVE TO GO TO MILWAUKEE NOW, UGH

Nick is from Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wisconsin, which is a town near Milwaukee. So he’s like, “We’re going to Milwaukee!”

I wonder if ABC slashed the budget for this season, because Wisconsin isn’t the first place I’d think to take a group of women for sexy time. But Nick’s leaning into the whole “wholesome dude” thing, so I guess he wants to jump right in and take some women home to meet the folks. Again, not generally what I would do on a third date, but I’m also single, so maybe I should try it.

Speaking of burgers: They have these things in Milwaukee called butter burgers, where they put a huge piece of butter on the bun that melts all over the burger, and it’s incredible. I hope they eat those on the show.

youtube

Nick and his parents have lunch together and cry a lot.

A pep talk from Mom and Dad is worth a million roses. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/RRceJVd0Kt

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

DANIELLE L.’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A NEIGHBORHOOD BAKERY

Nick and nail salon mogul Danielle L. go on a date to Nick’s hometown bakery. My friend Callie is like, “Is Nick wearing a henley?” And I’m like, “Yeah, he always wears henleys.”

I find henleys to be among the least attractive shirt options for men. Nick is lucky that I’m not on his season or I’d be like, “Will I accept this rose? Only if you accept the fact that you need to stop wearing henleys for this to work.”

On the date, they’re frosting cookies, and Danielle L. tries to draw Nick on a cookie but he ends up looking like a squid instead. My new best friends and I all agree that the reason Nick didn’t try to draw Danielle L. is because he would’ve just drawn two boobs and the bottom of her chin and been like, “oops, ran out of room!”

Ah, num num num! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/sX3CXtVMhR

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

This room collectively goes, “Ewwww!” when Nick and Danielle lick the frosting off each other’s fingers.

Then Nick and Danielle L. run into this woman named Amber, one of Nick’s exes, whom the producers definitely didn’t plant in the window of that coffee shop at the exact right time. They all have some fake awkward conversation and we move on.

Danielle L. and Nick go on an evening date where Danielle L.’s boobs are the star of the show. Danielle L. tells Nick that her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced. Which is ... not a personal flaw, but OK.

Then they go to a country concert featuring some lame-ass, bro-ass country band I’ve never heard of and that Danielle L. probably hasn’t ever heard of either but has to pretend to be excited about. They make out in front of a lot of people.

"She got a smile that makes your worst day feel like your birthday." @iamchrislane #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/061HlPq9nq

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

My friends Callie and Louisa suggest we play a game called “Are They Settling?” in which we have to decide if the women would be settling if they ended up with Nick. Settling is a great way to up the odds that a guy won’t cheat on you. We think Danielle L. might be settling.

DATE CARD

Back at the house, the women find out that Raven got the second one-on-one date. A bunch of the women are holding hands and I’m like, “See? The Women’s March Part II is all about female friendship!” and my new best friends and I all clink our glasses of wine.

SHITTY GROUP DATE

This is literally a shitty date, because they’re shoveling piles of manure at a dairy farm. They’re also milking cows. This is Real America, folks.

All the women are wearing white pants even though they admit that the producers told them not to wear white pants. They’re also wearing blankets — maybe they’re actually scarves or sweaters, but they all look like they raided the home section of an Anthropologie, grabbed the nearest rug, and tossed a belt around it. Nick, to his credit, is not wearing a henley, but he is wearing an Aaron Rodgers/Big Lebowski sweater.

It's a little early for trick-or-treating, but Aaron Rodgers went as The Dude anyway after last night's game. http://pic.twitter.com/UhH2DVljzG

— SB Nation (@SBNation) October 21, 2016

“This is the worst date I’ve ever been on,” says Corinne. “I need sushi.”

Never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Corinne. We all decide that Corinne would not be settling if she ended up with Nick.

Corinne is SO in danger of being lassoed by an unimpressed cowgirl right now. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/7dduHYbfa2

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

SHITTY GROUP DATE, NIGHT

All the women are talking trash about Corinne. Vanessa gives Nick a scrapbook filled with pictures of herself looking super pretty, goofy, and relatable that “her students” (she’s a special needs teacher as well as the most beautiful woman in the world) made for him but that she definitely just made herself.

Kristina and Nick are vibing. He’s like, “I love watching you,” which is creepy. She just kind of looks at him and smiles, so she’s probably a Russian spy sent by Putin. Hello, CIA? You may want to keep an eye on this chick.

Sarah asks Corinne, “Do you think you’re ready to marry a 36 year-old-man? I don’t see you meeting his maturity level. I would love to hear from you if you think you are.”

Corinne, in a confessional to the camera, is like, “I’ll show you mature,” and grabs her boobs, and I’m like, “Doesn't scream maturity to grab your boobs and smush them together on national television but who am I to judge.”

And then Corinne delivers the best line of the night:

“I know you were really upset for me falling asleep that day. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap.”

She then says that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps, and honestly I can’t prove her wrong.

Perhaps the greatest reaction GIF in Bachelor history. You're welcome! Thanks Vanessa! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/qVgIAdup3k

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A YOUTH SOCCER GAME WHICH ISN’T WEIRD AT ALL

Raven and Nick go to Nick’s little sister Bella’s youth soccer game. Bella — who is now 11 years old, I’m guessing — has been on every season of The Bachelorette that Nick has been on, and I’m pretty sure that’s enough cause to call the social workers in Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin.

Raven meets Nick’s parents. Nick’s mom looks like Kate Gosselin did a Snapchat face-swap with Robin Wright Penn. Things are a little awkward, but I don’t know how you could expect them not to be when you meet a guy’s parents on the first date you have alone with him surrounded by camera crews.

We really just spent most of the date eating orange slices #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/aDbYrOma9U

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 24, 2017

Much like the producer’s “how many times can they say bouncy house” game, they seem to be doing the same thing with “hometown,” because Nick says it every other word. It’s like Morse code: “Hey (hometown) Bella, (hometown) great (hometown) game (hometown)!”

Then they all go to an arcade and go rollerblading. Bella’s eaten a lot of candy so her tongue is totally blue.

Nick’s henley (but not the same one he wore on his Danielle L. date) is very unbuttoned and it looks like he’s oiled up his shaved chest. He and Raven make out at the roller rink.

So kiss me! Raven and Nick on a great skate date! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/l5sbQaJjJy

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S BEST STORY EVER

The night part of Raven and Nick’s date is cool, because it’s in the Milwaukee Museum of Fine Art, which is a dope-looking building. Raven gets vulnerable and tells Nick about her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. She says that someone told her that her ex-boyfriend — who was a doctor — was sleeping with a nurse while he was dating Raven. So her mom was like, “Go to his house.”

Raven had a key, so she did. The bedroom door was locked, so she kicked it open. My friends and I stop talking because we can tell this is about to get good.

Raven says her boyfriend “was on top of [the nurse], full-on thrusting.” She also says, “I know what her vagina looks like,” and Nick tries to be cool, but his face is like, WHOA!

Then Raven says she beat her ex in the head with a stiletto and the room erupts. We’re all like, “HELL YEAH RAVEN! Way to beat up your cheatin' ex with a stiletto!”

Here is a live look at Raven from that night:

My friend Liz is like, “Most women dream of beating a man with a stiletto. Raven has has lived most women’s dreams.”

I couldn’t agree more, Liz. I ride for Raven. She and Nick rollerblade out of the museum like the end couplet of a beautiful sonnet.

TAYLOR AND CORINNE GO AT EACH OTHER

The end of the episode is basically just Taylor and Corinne passive-aggressive-ing each other, and I’m honestly pretty bored by all of it. Taylor, who is 23 and somehow has a masters from Johns Hopkins in psychology, is trying to mess with Corinne by throwing around words like “emotional intelligence.” Corinne is like, “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company.”

I don’t believe Corinne on either count, but I do think she’s wily, and I wouldn’t underestimate her.

A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF THOUGHTS

We didn’t see enough of Danielle M., Vanessa, or Rachel, all of whom are still my front-runners (and all of whom would be settling).

Raven is now my front-runner for Most Badass.

Corinne's eyes remind me of Jack Nicholson's in The Shining.

My friend Louisa brought up a good point, which is that this show provides contestants with tons of free deli meat, which is her biggest expense.

Dates on The Women’s March Part II are funny, because you just talk about the past few minutes of the date, so you never talk about anything besides talking about what you talked about, so it becomes this endless loop of discussing feelings about nothing.

They made Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin look exotic. Turns out all you have to do to spruce up a barn is put some floral arrangements on bales of hay and fill the place with candles. Seems like a fire hazard to me, but hey, I’m not a doctor.

Next week we have to deal with more Corinne-Taylor drama bullshit when they go on a double date with Nick from which only one can return.

Corinne will obviously return.

The saddest part of this show — and the most real — is when women get sent home in the rose ceremonies in the first four or five episodes. Because at that point, their sadness doesn’t really have to do with Nick; it has to do with the fact that they just want to be loved, and going on the show was a fun way not to have to be single in the real world for a little bit.

And all these women just want to be loved! I wish I could reach through my TV, take their hands, and say, “Just go to a women’s march. You’ll find so many new best friends that you won’t even think about professional Bachelor-goer-oners like Nick.”

At least it worked for me.

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