#words i never thought would come out

[i-bring-crack]

The picture of Ruler! Ashborn being a bit more buffed up and yet more pristine looking than Jin woo. I feel like the closest I could describe it would be Jin Woo's body on chapter 200. He is taller than most people but he isn't as buffed up as say, Thomas.

And all of his white straight hair (that turned into a long wavy purple when he died) actually makes him look even more thin, sort of like how the Absolute being appears to be. His face of course is defiently that of Sung Jin Woo, all raised and beautiful but with white hair and longer eyelashes than the current Jin Woo. Both eyes are a pure glow of white, and honestly they would look very soft and childish when he smiles, but then he could also pull that scary expression like the ones Jinwoo makes. His eyes post death would also be like very haunting, in this type of sexy haunting with purple eyes. Like at one point his smile was the most bright thing in the world and now his insane smile just haunts everyone.

I need the world to give me Ruler Ashborn being cutest himbo dad that just had a whole ass villain arc and became even sexier.

Of course all of that sexyness just had to be hidden by armor because Ashborn really likes getting geared the fuck up. Everyone thinks it's because behind that mask he is some horrible monster meanwhile the only one who has seen his true self was the Ruler he was closest to (and was always like -_- why tf you so photogenic yet choose to wear every plate of armor) and Antares who totally didn't wanna bang that no totally not/s.

But at the same time, it's not gay if it's just the fuking embodiment of death.

#solo leveling manwha #spoilers #ashborn #antares #picture daddywoo with long hair #picture him please #lucky fuking Antares got to see emo daddywoo #i cant believe i just said that shit #words i never thought would come out #but like not the weirdest you know #prob #OMG OMG OMG #WAIT #WOO JIN CHUL RULER #ASHBORN JIN WOO #AND ANTARES CHA HAE IN #THE OT3 I FUKING NEED #bye

[jasperandhenryslovechild]

the other day at school me and my friends were talking abt the season 5 ep theranos boot and how they all went to different dimensions to replace their own theranos boot and i mentioned in passing that there was a canon universe where everyone is henry and it just wouldn't get in my friends head that everyone was henry and once they clicked that everyone is henry they were like "so theres movies and shows and games made in that universe and the full cast and characters are just... henry." and i was like yeah and they go

"so fnaf if it's all just henry hart

henrys always just

hart hart hart hart hart hartharthartharthart"

and i think that should go in textbooks

#its literally the stupidest thing ive ever heard them say in the entirety of knowing them #and ive known them for 2+ years #ive seen even their sun and moon phase and that was #gasp #i never thought anything that dad joke-y would come out of their word hole ever #but i think the world deserves to know #is this too niche for the masses #henry danger #henry hart #fnaf

[spaceratprodigy]

could i bother u for more thoughts on faith and max in a mock apple orchard 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

@gayafsatan — I would absolutely LOVE to brainstorm some fun ideas of them in a mock apple orchard!!

I've been replaying again so they've been rotating around in my mind a lot extra hard and was especially thinking about mock apple picking bc the botanical labs also has a lil orchard where you can pick mock apples up off the ground! But I'm currently in Roseway so oughhh.. ideas....

I want you now I am going to ramble a LOT so please bear with me I swearsies it'll be more fun if we get the full lore dump from my brain 😩💖💕

–

👇 ROSEWAY THOUGHTS 👇

(I AM GOING TO TALK ABT ROSEWAY THOUGHTS AS A WHOLE AND THEN EASE INTO SOME SILLY MOCK APPLE ORCHARD IDEAS AT THE END OKAY. OKAY ILY THANK YOU).

–

My thoughts are very chaotic and rambly so let me try to walk though my ideas lmao

Roseway is typically where I peg Faith's death wish arc happening, and to summarize what all that entails, it's when the mask slips and the weight of everything finally hits her in full force.

I always envision this story happening over a long period of time so a lot of time has passed since first arriving at Edgewater and the Groundbreaker.

Halcyon. Her situation. Her identity. The life Phineas threw her into abruptly and his expectations for her. Making split second moral decisions where no matter what someone is going to get hurt. Being so alien and alone, no one to understand her or believe in her predicament but having to be the mysterious competent captain regardless.

It finally gets to her. Bad. And she makes some self destructive decisions. She gets sloppy, careless, hoping someone else will end this nightmare for her. Until they almost do.

I am swiftly brushing past many details so we don't get too lost in the sauce. But Max went after her, found her collapsed and injured bad, carried her back to the ship for Ellie to do whatever she could, and then stayed by her side for as long as it took for her to wake up.

This is such a key moment for them getting closer. Because there was a lot of frustration and emotion and being forced to confront the possibility of feelings existing, but nothing they fully understand or are ready to acknowledge as such yet.

She tries to brush past the subject of what happened, deflecting everything until he raises his voice in a way he hasn't since she gave him the journal and she threatened he never talk like that to her again. And it was enough to break through her facade, for her to show just how utterly broken and vulnerable she is, and they have a proper fucking conversation about where she's at mentally. He still isn't ready for the truth about her life before. But it's a step forward.

There is a lot of patience and understanding and just. Yeah. A lot happens here. Some walls come down. There grows some room for them to become softer and closer over more time.

All of this is important because a short piece I had written a long time ago took place in this area roughly after this incident.

It was a personal outlet vent piece, I will be honest. When I wrote it it was after I had a very bad panic attack after an awful scare. And I wrote it into Faith because I just wanted to get some feelings from that experience out of my system.

The shortened version of that one is Faith recovering from a bad episode, trying to calm her breathing, waiting for her ears to stop ringing and for her vision to come back. Her legs gave out on her and she was sitting under the mock apple trees. Her voice locks up on her when she's seriously distressed. Yadda yadda yadda, Max had brought along his datapad so she could communicate anything important and she was incredibly confused because she knows he doesn't like using his datapad ever and then rendered even more speechless to know he brought it specifically for her in case something like this were to happen again. It ends with her just asking if he would keep talking to her, and they sit there under the mock apple trees for a while, in no particular rush to get anywhere.

And after this point, I think the mock apple orchards become a really peaceful, therapeutic spot for her when she just wants a moment to herself. Sits there, breathes, takes in the Roseway scenery and collects herself before jumping back into the horrors of Halcyon. Spends some time picking mock apples to take back to the ship.

I've been having a lot of ideas of her asking Max to go with her. I'm of the mind if she'd ask directly that he'd either decline, or at least pretend to be uninterested but she's the one who asked so he accepts the offer.

But I can see her being vague and just saying that she's heading out if he'd join her and she leads him to the orchards. By this point they're already often in each other's company, she indulges his interests often, letting him be the one who is finally listened to. But in general, they get along very well in conversation when it comes to a handful of similar interests and their personalities and attitudes bounce off of each other well.

(In my story anyway, since she spends an extended amount of time in Edgewater and the Vale, there was also a lot of time spent doing some early bonding with Max. So do with that info what you will. They're not likeee besties yet but they're much more than strangers by this point, ya'know? Just to get an idea of where their familiarity with each other is at and why there's enough respect and trust to some extent already existing. Not to mention how much time they had spent on the Groundbreaker).

They'd be having such a peaceful time away from the rest of the crew.

Oughhh hear me out, okay, Faith loves to bake. She doesn't even ask, she just makes Max hold her bag open while she starts collecting mock apples and after they finally head back to the ship she figures out how to make mock apple pie for the crew 😭 we already know Max doesn't care much for sweets (I wonder how sweet or tart a mock apple pie would be.. Faith girl what all Halcyon ingredients are you adding to that bad boy) but.. what if.... After everyone goes to bed...... He tries some anyway........ Because she made it..........

Most of what's bouncing around in my brain is them early on having wholesome bonding time in a spot just for the two of them. Just enjoying each other's company. Realizing they have genuine respect for each other, Faith feeling like she found a genuine friend who went to lengths further than anyone had in her entire life to make sure she survived. I am specifying Faith's feelings here intentionally. I write Max in a more complicated spot very blinded by his revenge scheme more or less unaware for a long while just how much the lines start blurring between his faith and his Faith. To put it succinctly. (Look I know I'm always drawing The Good Stuff™️ but in actuality their relationship is suchhhh a slow burn. They are not the most romantically inclined people lmao).

But also.. once she realizes she can talk to him when she needs to. I think coming back to this spot, off the ship, away from the crew, she just likes it there. She likes being there with him. She finds comfort in that spot.

OKAY BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WOULD BE CUTE.... they should come back here.. post-scylla and post-gorgon...... Ya'know......... The first being when they establish not wanting to be apart and the second being when they want to make that partnership a permanent one......... ASKING HER IN THE MOCK APPLE ORCHARDS WOULDN'T THAT BE DARLING ough okay I need a minute my brain is going too fast to comprehend

My Roseway ideas aren't the most cleaned up I know BUT so many important bonding moments exist and oughhhh LOOSE IDEAS ARE STILL WORTH TALKING ABOUT OKAYYYYY

I just want them to go mock apple picking together and learn how to get smiles out of each other and not understand why it makes their chests hurt but they know they need to do it again

ACTUALLYYYYY post-scylla when he's much more mellowed out and they're the closest they've been I think would be so so nice. they'd be so much softer and he'd probably be so much more involved in wanting to enjoy silly lil activities with her.....

Currently imagining him reading out loud to her, all the conversations they'd have, maybe he brings his tossball cards to show her, maybe they bring one of the lil games, have a lil makeshift picnic....

Godddd the transition between just how much enthusiasm he shows spending time with her is enough to make me explode. Can you see my vision. The reluctance, to the hesitancy, to becoming absolutely inseparable.

I HAVE A LOT TO THINK ABOUT BUT I'M GETTING SLEEPY SO SENDING IT!!!!!!

Literally feel free to add on or share your own thoughts I'm begging you lmao I promise there is so much room for ideas to be fleshed out and better put together, I'm mostly just spitballing what all I think would be incredibly fun ideas to work with. Plus I'm kind of thinking across the timeline and how much their relationship would change between each visit. And how over time they would enjoy it more and more and make each visit more special than the last.

WAIT BEFORE I LOSE THE THOUGHT!! They make a stop RIGHT BEFORE HEADING TO SCYLLA TO GO TO THE HERMIT'S LODGE!! Oh that could hurt so good omgggg. Okay okay I need to stop now I NEED TO STOP.

#MY DEAR FRIEND I WROTE SO MUCH I APOLOGIZE AHEAD OF TIME #I had a LOT of roseway thoughts I needed to get out of my system #that lead into why the mock apple orchards would be such a special spot they'd want to keep returning to 😭 #my thoughts are all a mess tho I know I know I have a lot that's needs cleaning up and better fleshed out #but hey! what's the point of having ideas if you can't talk about them no matter what stage of development they're at!! #enjoy my long winded roseway ramble #I really do think the orchards would make such a lovely spot to just be alone and bond #not that it was ever their intention. it certainly wasn't supposed to happen he'd think. #yet there he is. unable to deny her invitation and realizing all too late how many details about her he has committed to memory #always so collected and calculated. never stumbling on his words. always knowing just what to say. #until it comes to her. until she days his name. until her voice like a siren song has his tongue tied in knots. #'vicar max if you prefer brevity' he tells her. yet maximillian she'll call him. letting his name linger on her lips for as long as possible #I think I need to go lay down #faith and max #my writing #long post #says*

[unloneliest]

the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.

#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO #he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too #his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve #made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person. #and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a #plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either #mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me #in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that #it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose #and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired. #he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ #he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state. #despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol #hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too #me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life #may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes #i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge #people. unlike him :) #vampire pit #like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it. #jam posts

[wullfric]

Being on the first year of university causes me inmensurable sorrow given that it privates me from taking any research jobs

They keep sending all these wildly interesting research assistant offerings to the group chat, but every single one of them has as a requirement to be at least on the second year, making me unable to even think of taking one of them...

Alas, I cannot do anything about this! So I suppose I will just stare sadly at those offerings while waiting for my time to shine...

#Pathogens. fungi. algae... #All of them out of my reach... #But the time will come were their secrets will be revealed to me...! #Posts that never should have seen the light of day #Do not ask me why I worded the post like this #I thought it would be silly

[magentagalaxies]

having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th #idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self #like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me #but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in #but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them #and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad??? #which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended??? #but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????'' #even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half #if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it #(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out) #but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender) #and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting #which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he #and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that #but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender) #was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels #scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself #which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing. #so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender #bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine #and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it #but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college

[73647e]

todd anderson my little meow meow princess

#dps #dead poets #dead poets society #todd anderson #I love hiiiiiiim #my posts #i never thought those words would come out of my being #todd x neil #neil x todd #anderperry

[getting-messi]

Thank GOD!

#worst experience of my freaking life #I thought psg would be a cute lil detour for him in his career #but man am I SICK of that PATHETIC ASS CLUB! #never utter the words psg to me ever again #barely made it out alive #anyways now Barca get serious or Pep let’s make dreams come true😵🤲🏾 #my post

[beomgyutruther]

.

#snapped at my mom because im stressed about my preboard results and then i apologized and explained that i was rly stressed and accidentally #lashed out and she started saying that im always rude to her and taking my stress out on her ??? and that i never do this to my dad #and then she said i never talk to her about anything even though she's the only one who does everything for me yet i still dont talk to her #and well. maybe if she didnt tell my brother 'if u do this u will end up like ur sister in the future. u dont want to fail in life right ? #then dont do this' (nearly exact words) when she was scolding him . i mean maybe then i would actually want to talk to her #and it sucks because i cant rly talk to anyone irl about this because i still feel scared that they'll like. judge my mom #because i still love her a lot and dont want people to think badly about her #but its getting harder ! to exist here ! and the fact that i am constantly used as an example of what my brother should NOT be #especially when i work this hard partly because i want to be someone my brother can look up to #and to have that come from my own mother . it's really hurtful and makes me feel like nothing i ever do will be enough for her #not to mention the fact that i have come out to her 4 times and she still constantly asks me if it's just a phase #<- i thought that part was getting better but apparently not #but i've stopped expecting anything from anyone in that respect so it doesn't really come as a surprise lmao #anyway rant over i just needed to get that off my chest because i really dont know how long i can keep crying and then forcing my voice #to be normal so that no one asks what happened because wow it is taking a toll on me! who knew #do noooot perceive this

[scarletcomet]

I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.

#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood #i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her #she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now #she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn #i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words #she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately #i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made #like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too #idk #i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may #i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do #im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time #this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday #and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again #i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too #but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic #i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself #i remember the constant thoughts and urges...

[fionnaskyborn]

one day when i am not busy dying on the inside and out i will write an honest-to-god essay about how people are, for the lack of a better descriptor but simultaneously for the lack of a more perfect one, too edgy about five.

#like yeah five is an edgy game and the darkest in the series and gloomier than all of its predecessors but. i lack the words for it now but #there are important little moments in five where light shines through the carpet haphazardly thrown over a pile of garbage that oft get #ignored in favor of pushing the agenda that everyone in five is filth down to the core and that's just not true #i just- deeeeeeep sigh. people are so shallow sometimes man #this is how we get those characters that do not resemble the original in the slightest that either take one trait of the given character an #then bloat and exagerrate it until the character is a caricature of themselves OR projections of what the people would like these character #to BE in order to... be able to wrap their heads around them and their motivations more easily‚ i guess?? #i don't know it feels to me like people just don't want to bother with the intricacies of complex characters and that's how the wood plank #versions of characters get created and then passed around ad infinitum #sweet grouchy baby boy who never did anything wrong ever. man who is either an innocent little big guy or satan himself. guy who is #objectively one of the most flawed individuals in the series being worshipped as a hero (griffith syndrome). guy who is either depicted as #an obnoxious playboy who only cares about getting laid and having as much skin exposed as possible at all times or the most vile man on #planet earth while being neither. the fucking. masochist cyborg thing. i'm gonna explode #oh and if you point out that there needs to be depth to any analysis of these characters if you are to do them justice you end up with a #gaggle of people saying oh yeah of course everyone in here is awful and they all have pig hearts #and i'm just wondering why this is the default conclusion most come to and not‚ you know‚ the thought that complexity does not inherently #imply rottenness but rather that even in the most horrible of situations you can find something good #i'm not the happiest or the most fortunate of individuals but i still refuse to believe in the idea of inherent evil that's being sold for #cheaper than a copy paper pack these days #but that has nothing to do with this my point is if you're trying to do media analysis you've got to look beyond... i don't have a word for #this... i guess you could call them fanmade stereotypes? no that's not it‚ my point is that people need to open their eyes to how complex #motivations and circumstances and human connection are and face that complexity head on instead of rubbing the story with sandpaper until #it's satisfiable to them #logs

[thegetdownrebooter]

People are waking up, I used to pray for times like this.

#i used to pray for times like this #we have come so far #i mean they are still having a former klan meeting in the replies and quotes but still #but that is to be expected #you know whites think they deserve a pat on the back for not saying the n-word so… #but I have always felt this way #but you would get flamed online for saying it #i mean this person is getting jumped by former nazis but still #but the likes on the OG tweet #and certain people in the quotes calling them out #and a few people calling out WHITE QUEERS!!!! #I’ve never thought we would get this far #the fact that being racist/bigot is a coming of age thing or “phase for a certain demographic is disturbing #and when you call them out they immediately hit you with the “so you don‘t think people can change“ when did i say that??? #but it‘s still disturbing #and I’m sorry that calling you at makes you feel bad about yourself #but that’s too bad #just like the black teens you were around during your “phase“ had to hear “well that‘s just too bad“ #you don’t deserve a cookie for not being racist anymore #you don‘t deserve forgiveness either #but if you have truly changed and reflected then you already know that #this post is for the weirdos that go “lmfaoo we all had a neo nazi 🤪“ #and then when you go “who is we????“ they immediately get defensive and weird #“we ALL had a racist phase“ No we didn‘t #that was YOU #that was all you #it‘s not normal #and the most painful part is #that they all were around minorities this time #who had to deal with their behavior

[thebirdandhersong]

if I had a nickel for every time I had an interest in someone who was a) extroverted, b) very enthusiastic and passionate about very niche subjects, and c) completely and utterly clueless, I'd have two nickels.... which isn't a LOT, but it's weird, amusing, and exasperating that it happened twice

#hard knock life is what it is #i am approaching very cautiously but my word clueless doesn't even BEGIN to describe #crossing THAT off of the things i never thought would happen to me this year imaginary bingo #what next an invitation to a masquerade with an all you can eat cheese buffet where i sit and watch people and suffer in silence? #will i be taken to court next for perfectly legal but perfectly obnoxious shenanigans? #will a friend ask me to be their photography model for an up and coming gluten free pastry cookbook? #will someone completely random begin a courtship out of nowhere? (that would be highly entertaining) #will i suddenly become keeper of the flamingos at the nearest available zoo? #why are we ALWAYS IN INTERESTING TIMES. WHY MUST IT BE THIS WAY I WANT TO KNOW #in case anyone cares to know i have not yet lost my mind and have reasons for being medium interested #one being that this boy asked me ONE question about modernist lit. and then listened to me rant and ramble for a very long while #in a very intentional and active and thoughtful way. which is something mr knight never bothered to do #and even asked questions at the end! and told me afterwards that he'd like to continue this interesting conversation #ah well life goes on and one must write emails #how can i NOT be hung up on that when mr knight told me to keep things short and changed the subject whenever i talked about books #slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21

[aeide-thea]

disjointed thoughts abt like. various anti-'normalization' takes i've seen and how actually i think like. expanding the range of things people are aware of & comfortable with is in fact often a helpful step towards becoming less dependent on the concept of normality to determine acceptability, because once you understand that normal isn't in fact a narrowly fixed range but is subjective and can be widened, it becomes a much softer yardstick & less of a bludgeon

#this connects in general to like. pushback against stances that i know from personal experience to have been valuable stepping stones #in the process of broadening my thinking #like idk if some ppl really never knew what it was like to feel totally ruled by social pressure to be Normal or if they've just forgotten #but i think like. our efforts at radicalization have to contain room & compassion for ppl who are starting from very normie places #thinking also abt like. tiktok(?) shit like 'neurospicy' here which like. is WAY too twee for me personally #and i def get where ppl are coming from who feel like it's bc the kids are scared to claim words like disabled #but it's like. no shit the kids are scared to claim words like disabled???? i would have been too?? #having a stepping stone out of Normality that they can feel good about for themselves is like. good in those circs imo! #like there's just. SO much pressure to fit yourself into the Normal box if it's even halfway possible #where 'possible' VERY much includes 'shutting yr eyes to‚ or even cutting off‚ the bits that don't fit' #like. i thought i was a cishet teen! i had body worries i now think are incredibly stupid! Normal absolutely had power over me! #and it's just like. idk. if under that kind of crushing pressure ppl are coming up with cutesy little escape hatches? #seems defiant and resourceful to me tbh! #anyway this is 100% an off-the-cuff beta edition post and may have bugs #but i just kinda think the general concept of like. stepping stones. evolution. learning rather than always-already-knowing. #could use a little more love than it sometimes gets

[afieldinengland]

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#i’m starting to wonder if i hate myself for having been born a transsexual #it’s not shame— but there’s something in the way i think about myself that’s deep and bitter. i don’t know. well i’ve never enjoyed myself #in general. i’ve never been ashamed of it and i’ve never been proud of it in fact i hate talking about it entirely #and i’ve realised i don’t even like thinking about it too deeply. too knee-deep in history’s men-image #(by which he means richard ii and oscar wilde and injured knights with long hair and poets on laudanum and artists on cocaine) #i feel sick. it isn’t a sickness because i can’t be ‘cured’ and i don’t want to be and it’s intrinsic but modern vocabulary feels heavy in #my mouth and puts me in a petri dish. even ‘transsexual’ feels like uber modern parlance sometimes. i can’t do it #but that’s the word. just sometimes i think it would have all been easier if things had gone otherwise. and i know that makes me bad at thi #i have to speak to you in your language. and i don’t know what i mean by that or even where that thought comes from. it’s your language #i should be in the bronze age right now i’m sorry i got waylaid. i got lost #i can’t stop being it but if i think too much about it i start wanting to eat my own fingers and i think— and this is my hypothesis— #it’s because i’ve never enjoyed myself i’ve never been in a healthy relationship and i can’t remember the last time i had fun #but then that’s another thing i’m not made for. that’s a lie there is a desperate aesthete in here who has been so starved of hedonism for #as long as i’ve had him that he’s hoarse. i’m tired i’ve been walking for nine hundred years my feet hurt #i don’t know. why me why now et cetera. i’m just wondering if i don’t despise myself a bit for it— like it’s a trick i did in a past life #again. it’s a privilege. it’s more intrinsic to my personhood than blood type or astigmatism or that weird thing i have with my hip #and i could be proud of it if only i could work out how. i’m content— in the same way i’m content with everything— but i don’t know. #i don’t like talking about it i don’t like thinking about it because it feels like i’m losing the game i’m constantly playing against mysel #in my head. i’m my own personal spin doctor you see #whatever. sorry. in light of doing better i can get this out too. can you believe i haven’t been kissed in years

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water #it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing #still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy #maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body #and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing #but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things #i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they #crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord #and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness #i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give #interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year #was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped #the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury #and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right #but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel #fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe #but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water #anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time #vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see #unrelated