#with several anxiety attacks and depression problems again.. thank god it got better and now I feel okay ^^

[mel-loly]

-I'm back, my dear people! Did you miss me? :]

(I hope so, because it took a while for me to find time to come back- also.. sorry for the bad art😃👍)

#hey everyone!! I'm alive :DD #are you all okay? I hope so! and if not. I hope you be better soon❤️ #(I basically took this time off because because I wasn't well.. I was really and really bad... #with several anxiety attacks and depression problems again.. thank god it got better and now I feel okay ^^ #also- a lot of things changed in my life and I still haven't managed to organize everything.. as well as the drawings... #I have just a “few” drawings to post.. but I hope you still like it and bear with me :'] #I promise to do more and answer you guys when I have time! <33) #a little spoiler: there will be some new things coming to this blog- hope you guys like it :D <33 #i'm back! #i'm mel and this is my blog✌️ #my art blog #art #my art #my art <3 #art mel #my art style #mel designer #mel loly #my oc character #tw vent #? #random vent

[jereviendrai]

||| ooc; does every character on this blog have bpd symptoms? is this problematic, considering they’re all villains or would-be villains? is there a way to give a villain a mental health disorder without stigmatizing the disorder? well--

OH AND BIG TRIGGER WARNING FOR A WIDE RANGE OF MENTAL HEALTH TOPICS SUCH AS: eating disorders, mental illness, stigmatization of mental illness, self harm, suicidal tendencies, and a fuckload more. I don’t go into detail. There are just mentions. I’m not gonna say a bunch of graphic shit, I promise! If I went into graphic detail, this would turn into a PhD thesis proposal, and that’d be WAY too long to be worth writing. Also I have BPD, but I’m not going to pretend that I’m an expert on the subject. I’m not. My word is not law, but it’d be nice if my word was taken into consideration.

this post got so fucking long and disorganized jesus christ

The answers are: yes, not inherently, and absolutely.

I want to get into the mental health of all three characters in a second, but I think it’s important to talk a little about the other two points first. That said, though -- yes, they’re all borderline. All three of them! And they all experience it differently! I will come back to that. Anyway--

I feel like it’s important to talk about villains, mental illness and stigma. There’s a really common (and insanely lazy) tendency for writers to explain a villain’s villainy by simply saying, “oh, well they’re a psychopath,” or, “they’re just crazy.” This is not only lazy and offensive, but it contributes to an unfair stigma against the mentally ill.

Mental illness might, say, compel someone to steal a chocolate bar or snap at someone out of anger. It might make a person’s emotions volatile. It might make someone unreasonable. They might suffer delusions of abandonment, of some plot against them, of people’s secret intent to humiliate them, etc. They might suffer and handle their suffering poorly. They may cause harm. But that doesn’t make them... evil. It makes them complex. And how they react to and handle their negative actions says more about them than any diagnosis could.

When you have a villain with a mental illness, you need to examine how the illness is hurting them. Write about how it hinders their progress. Write about how isolating it can be for them. Write about the impact and struggle. Not how the illness makes them so evil or so irredeemably awful. The illness should be what humanizes them and helps to make them relatable. No matter how untouchable and powerful your villain is, they have some personal struggle that is independent of their villainy. When done correctly, it can go a long way in fleshing out your villain and adding interesting inner conflict!

I know, I know. You might be asking, “yeah, but don’t people with mental health issues sometimes cause harm directly related to their symptoms?” To which I say: yeah, duh, of course. Just like a depressed person might say something mean when they’re having a bad day. Just like someone with ADHD might make someone feel like they aren’t being listened to. Just like someone who has social anxiety might make a friend feel unloved. Just like mentally healthy people also occasionally cause harm.

I’m not saying mental health issues don’t cause problems and maladaptive behaviors. I’m just saying it doesn’t... make someone inherently bad -- real or fictional. And I need people to internalize that.

ANYWAY ON TO THE CHARACTERS AND THEIR BPD

(i know, you’re probably like, “dude oh my god shut up and get on with it” sakjlfdkjsa)

I’m going to be referring to the four subtypes. I know these are controversial to some people. Some really don’t like these labels, others feel comforted by them, etc. They’re just to make it easier to talk about this whole thing. No one fits neatly into any one subtype! Some people don’t resemble any particular one! Everyone is different! Don’t box people into these subtypes if you haven’t been given consent, thanks!

Mr. A / Clark Donovan Mr. A is a classic example of the Quiet Borderline. Someone with quiet BPD mostly directs their symptoms inward. It’s harder to detect than other types, as the symptoms that are most prevalent are mostly expressed, well, inwardly. Self-esteem issues, self-blame, insecurity, withdrawing emotionally, pretending you’re not angry when you are, self harming tendencies, suicidal thoughts, etc. He’s also kind of clingy. Mr. A is an extremely loyal person to a fault. He is a people pleaser and will go to the ends of the Earth to make his loved ones happy, even if it hurts him. This is of detriment to him, as he often finds himself getting hurt on behalf of people who might not care as much as he does. He’s let a lot of bad people into his life solely because they made him feel loved, wanted and useful. He views everyone he loves through rose-tinted glasses and only takes them off long after he’s been laid to waste by them. He has terrible issues with self-image and has thus developed an eating disorder. He also has severe depersonalization/derealization disorder, which is a result of how his mental health interacts with his reality-warping powers. It creates a lot of anxiety with him, watching himself phase through things and bend the world around him on a whim. His motivations in life are connected to this, but his motivation to do evil things is not. He wants to bring other superpowered people together as a united front against humanity, as he feels that humanity is a threat to their continued existence. This has nothing to do with his mental health issues. The part of it that does tie in is that he’s painfully lonely and has chronic feelings of boredom, so being surrounded with a shit ton of different people mitigates that. It’s a motive for him bringing people closer to him, but it is not a motive for him to launch an attack on all humanity. He’d be really offended if you tried to accuse him of doing this on the basis that he’s just a bit ill. His illness literally just makes him crave contact with other living beings just like him. He sometimes does bad or stupid things because of this, but it literally has nothing to do with his motives as a villain. As an addendum of sorts, Mr. A’s alias and reluctance to use his given name (Clark Donovan) are a result of identity issues he suffers due to his BPD. He finds it hard to maintain a stable sense of identity, so he just... doesn’t.

Ivan Chanteur Ivan closely resembles what we like to call an Impulsive Borderline, comorbid with ADHD. He is an impulsive person, as the name of the subtype suggests. He’s a thrill-seeker who suffers from extreme levels of chronic boredom, which he desperately tries to combat by any means necessary. Staying still and doing repetitive tasks is literal torture for him. If he cannot get up and move and do whatever it takes to keep himself feeling fulfilled and occupied, he is probably going to fucking lose it. When he is actively vocalizing his boredom on a regular basis, this means the chronic feelings of boredom have reached critical mass. It’s not just boredom. It’s anxiety, it’s agitation, it’s existential dread, it’s an inability to focus, it’s pent-up energy that needs to go somewhere and can’t just stay in him anymore. If he can’t get it out in healthy ways, he usually resorts to self-harm or less-than-healthy pursuits. He’s been known to dabble in drugs, self-harm, occasional promiscuity on a bad night. While therapy’s helped him get a handle on it, there’ve been a lot of stressful and traumatic things going on in his life have have made it a lot harder to keep himself in check. Ivan is pretty charismatic, able to cast a wide net and catch all sorts of people in his social web. He has a sort of natural magnetism that, on a superficial level, should make him quite popular. But underneath it all, he has difficulty trusting people long enough to actually let them into his life. He’ll act like an open book, only to slam himself shut and reshelve himself before anyone can get anywhere near the end. He’s easy to befriend, but difficult to get close to. This has caused him to feel lonely and frustrated. He wishes he could easily form deep connections, but it’s hard and it hurts him. In addition to all of this, he engages in a wide variety of attention-seeking and risk-taking behaviors. He often spends time with people who are not good to him, simply for the thrill of it. This has often gotten him hurt, but he finds it hard to cut this habit in spite of everything. This leads to a lot of frustration and self-hatred, as it makes it hard for him to protect himself. Every time someone hurts or betrays him, he beats himself up over it and tells himself he should know better by now. All that said, though, he’s come a long way in therapy. He’s not quite able to keep a handle on all of it all the time, but he’s managed to secure one or two decently stable friendships along the way.

Eve Laurier Eve is particularly difficult to talk about, but I’m going to try my best. Eve is what happens when you make a conscious decision to be bad. He knows beyond a shadow of doubt that what he’s doing is wrong, but he feels so wronged by the world that he just cannot seem to motivate himself to care. This... again... has nothing to do with his BPD. If anything, it’s his struggles with this disorder that keep him at least somewhat... grounded in reality. Eve suffered a personal tragedy -- the loss of his twin sister in a housefire. Though ruled an accident, he cried foul play. Consumed with grief at the loss of the only person he felt could truly understand him, he vowed to find the culprit and make them pay. This set him down a path of vengeance that would make John Wick blush. Eve grew up as the heir to his family’s criminal enterprise. This put him in a position of power the very moment he was born. This also left him exposed to a lot of terrible, violent crimes from a very young age. Because this was normalized by his family, he internalized and compartmentalized any misgivings he had about violence. By the time he was ready for university, he had been thoroughly trained to carry out hitjobs on behalf of the family. He was a weapon from the moment he left the womb. He was groomed to do terrible things, and it’s because of this ongoing and continuous trauma that he developed his particular cocktail of mental health issues. He mostly fits in with the label of Petulant BPD. Repeated and violent trauma did a number on him, leaving him angry and hurt over what his parents let him fall victim to. He also experiences feelings of self-loathing over the part he feels he played in his own trauma, despite the fact that it started in early childhood. He is self-defeating and self-blaming. He has a difficult time expressing his feelings and has angry outbursts fairly regularly, often resulting in self-harm and suicidal ideation. He’s been known to reach for the nearest mind-altering substance just to get out of his head for a bit. His mood swings are intense and leave him feeling fatigued and anxious. He has severe social anxiety that sometimes manifests as cold indifference. He also has issues with control, has paranoid delusions about the people in his life and doesn’t often believe it when people say that they care for him. He will find any and every piece of evidence that points to the contrary, even if he has to make it up himself. This usually ensures that he’ll end up alone again. He doesn’t have very many close relationships, if any at all. His BPD is not the reason he hurts people. Any hurt caused by his BPD is directed at himself, not at others. His BPD is a direct result of what actually has primed him to hurt people. It’s a direct result of trauma. He’s traumatized. And no, trauma is no excuse for what he’s done -- but his BPD didn’t make him kidnap and torture Ivan while he waited for Ivan’s parents to send in the ransom. That was all Eve. That was his conscious decision to make, in spite of everything in his head telling him how awful and wrong he would be to do such a thing. He knew it was wrong and ignored it, as he was under the impression that Ivan’s family had a hand in his sister’s death. If anything, his BPD aggravates his feelings of shame and self-loathing when he does precisely what his parents had been training him to do his whole life.

Anyway-- I hope this was helpful or at least interesting.

The point I’m trying to make here is that mental illness isn’t some kind of ultimate litmus test of good and evil. A disorder doesn’t make you good or bad. It’s just another facet of who you are.

So... to that end... please for the love of fuck stop using personality disorders as the reason for someone’s villainy. Please. I am begging.

I wrote a bunch of BPD villains in various stages of villainhood because I have BPD and this disorder often makes you feel like you’re evil, a monster, etc. Honestly, on good days I feel like an inherently bad person who consciously chooses to do good. That’s very flawed and I know that logically I’m not inherently bad, but that’s kind of what stigma does. It makes you feel like you’re inherently bad. And that feeling influenced how I write all three of these characters.

This is an incoherent mess but today’s the day I find out if I have coronavirus and I’m so fucking stressed out and hopped up on DayQuil. Thanks for reading any of this, I guess?

#||| ooc; #||| canon; ivan chanteur #||| canon; mr. a #||| canon; eve laurier #||| canon; #PLEASE READ THIS I SPENT SO MUCH TIME #I LITERALLY SPENT HOURS ON THIS FOR NO REASON AKLJFJSAJDLKSKJDKSL #i'm listening to 'the spider' by weezer and it's a fucking mood right now #fucking christ ok tumblr lags so goddamn much when i open this in my drafts so i need to post this now #also yeah i guess this is me telling the world i have a personality disorder hi surprise i'm Messy and Traumatized who knew haha

[binnie-binnie-bambam]

where I’ve been...?

hey. I feel like I owe y’all an explanation as to where I’ve been for the last 3 months. but imma put it the whole big detailed story under the cut just in case y’all don’t care haha and coz I don’t wanna clog up people’s feed with my incessant rambling.

TL;DR: I’ve been through 3 months of mental hell and that took a big toll on everything, including my love of a lot of things, so I’ve been struggling but I’m gonna try to be on here more and I’m sorry for being away for so long and not saying anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has tagged me in things and sent me messages during this time, I have seen it, I promise, even if I haven’t been in the right headspace to respond, you have made this time even just a bit more bearable, and for that I thank you greatly.

so yeah, things have been rough to say the least. I want to explain what’s been going on because I’ve always been pretty open on here and I know a lot of other people struggle with the same things so I don’t feel so alone. basically, I’ve fallen into another awful depression. I’ve lost my passion and drive and desire, I’ve lost the ability to find joy in things, I have no interest in hardly anything at all, I’m just not...me...right now.

I mean, my whole summer was crazy busy because I was spending almost all of my time doing wedding prep for my best friend/cousin’s wedding so I really didn’t have much time for myself and if I did, I was too exhausted to do anything I wanted to do. that’s when my partial inactivity started. I also started to see a new psychiatrist over the summer and he started me on new meds around August. since August, over a span of ~5 months, I’ve been on and off 6+ new meds, being treated for severe anxiety, panic attacks that resurfaced after being free of them for over 4 years, severe depression, ADHD, and trying different things to see if I had bipolar, as well as having a heart condition, thyroid issues, and fibromyalgia all going haywire.

I was pretty much ok through September, aside from some not so fun side effects that got me on and off 3 new meds in that month alone. like my mood and motivation and everything was fine, we had the engagement party and bachelorette party at the beginning of the month, I got to spend a bunch of time with the guy I have a (stupid) crush on, I was busy, things were going pretty great, honestly. but October rolled around. the first half wasn’t so bad, we had a girls’ trip for a weekend sort of as a last hoorah before my best friend got hitched and that was a lot of fun and I’m super thankful I was able to go, especially since I originally thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it due to family circumstances.

and wedding prep continued on, until I was driving over to my aunt’s house for the last day of prep and things started to hit me. my aunt and I got really close this past year and this was the last time I was spending with her for a long time, like sure we see each other once in a while but I was going over there and going shopping with her and doing all sorts of stuff multiple times a week and I think I just got scared of the idea that I was facing a new normal all over again when my normal had already changed so drastically at the beginning of last year. and also the fact that my best friend was getting married and moving an hour away when she used to be 10 minutes away and I saw her all the time. like we had the rehearsal dinner the Sunday before the wedding and my oldest cousin made this speech (because she knew she’d be sobbing too much to actually make it at the wedding) and she talked about us three girls as kids growing up and all this stuff about my best friend and how perfect her fiance was for her and it was just all really sobering I guess?

and I spent a lot of nights that week writing and rewriting a letter to the couple and I definitely spent most of that time sobbing over everything and sometime that week my mood just plummeted. my dad got /really/ concerned because the change in me was /so/ drastic but there wasn’t much we could do with only a few days until the wedding so we just hoped for the best and waited till my appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the next step. I ended up getting a migraine at the wedding (I know it was from stress and from being so upset) so I couldn’t have a good time like I wanted to and I knew I’d regret it and I definitely regret it but I can’t change anything now. I got to hug the bride and groom goodbye just as they were leaving and I’ve never struggled so hard trying not to cry, which I mean, my best friend was sooo close to becoming a sobbing mess hugging me too, and the groom, well he was a blubbering mess (he’s a very emotional dude, all three of us have sobbed watching movies together, we’re a sight lmao) so I didn’t feel too strange haha. but it was a really weird feeling and it was really hard to sleep at the hotel that night. we drove home in the rain the next morning and did absolutely nothing the entire day.

then the news hit about Woojin and I spent my Monday night quite literally sobbing myself to sleep. at that time, I was still pretty new to skz but it still hurt like hell and I know my depression warped the emotions out of proportion but it was still so incredibly painful. but nothing could prepare me for the news about Wonho. nothing. I was already so deep into my depression and that just, I still don’t even have words. something hasn’t hit me that hard in I don’t even know how long. I couldn’t even cry, it took me over 2 months to cry about it because it just hurt too much. I still can’t listen to any of their music, I can’t even see photos of them without bursting into tears, and I’m ashamed at myself for being so attached to something that I react this badly, but even more so, I’m upset with myself that I can’t support them when they need it most because it causes me so much physical and emotional pain I just can’t deal with it. I’m not giving up on them, god no, I know it probably sounds like I am, but I swear I’m not. I love them way too much for that. it’s not even possible to describe how much mx and Wonho mean to me, I’m not giving up on them, I’m just handling things in my own way at my own pace, I guess.

from then on, things just spiraled out of control. on and off more meds, more and more problems arose, I really felt like I could not keep my head above water. and on top of it, I had the 7th anniversary of my grandma’s death in early November and the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death in early December and to say the least, that did not have the best effect on my mental health. it’s been 3 months of pretty much hell. I genuinely have /no/ interest in things I used to do, none of my hobbies, everything, and I mean everything, is a chore. it’s still like this. but I’m trying to do more to fix it. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I just spent 6 weeks getting another med out of my system so hopefully when I see him, he’ll try something new and we’ll actually make progress instead of taking 2 steps forward and 8 steps back. I haven’t lost hope yet.

there’s been many, many times in these past few months where I’ve felt like I’ve already hit rock bottom and I’m just waiting for the final blow to finish me off. but, if I’m being completely honest, what’s kept me going has been my really close friends on here that have stuck with me this whole time and my love for kpop which thankfully, god thank you, hasn’t diminished whatsoever despite everything. I can confidently say, I wouldn’t still be here without my friends, you know who you are my loves. y’all keep my world turning and no matter how painful it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t have made it this far, I wouldn’t want to keep going, I wouldn’t owe my life to you guys, so thank you, more than words can express. I love you all to the moon and back. and then some.

so this has just been paragraphs upon paragraphs of me rambling so I really don’t know why you would’ve stayed and read the whole damn thing, but if you did, thank you, I feel a lot better getting things off my chest. and this isn’t to say I’m back completely, I can’t guarantee how active I’ll actually be, but I’ll do my best to spend some more time on here because I genuinely do miss this place and all the amazing people in it. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, especially without any real explanation. I’m going to do my best to rediscover my love for things, I may have lost it for a time, but it’s not gone completely.

~

until next time, this has been “aly won’t shut up”. thank you and goodnight, I love y’all

#sorry i've been inactive #things have been rough #i'm doing my best #one day at a time #i still talk too much tho haha #aly won't shut up #but yeah #if you've been wondering where i've been here's the big long explanation #i'll see y'all soon tho #i love and miss y'all lots

[aravensdaisies-blog]

Sugar Crush

Prompt: Bucky Barnes has not had sugar since the 40′s, when it was very limited. You accidentally exploit this by giving Bucky his first ‘sugar high’ in 70 years.

Rating: G, for general audiences

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/ Female Reader

Words: 2,730

This is the first thing I’ve ever published so I’d appreciate the criticism. Thanks for reading :)

     Living in the Avenger’s tower has many amazing perks. One of these perks was the ginormous kitchen. It could have made Gordon Ramsey jealous. Another of these perks was the depth of Tony Starks’ pockets. F.R.I.D.A.Y retrieved anything you could possibly want- no matter the cost. So, when you asked the AI for ten pounds of pecans, twenty boxes of butter, and several other ingredients in ridiculous quantities, she placed an order without question. 

     Baking had always been a hobby of yours, ever since your grandmother has taught you how. Cooking released you from hard times when you were younger and it still did today. You would have been a chef if you hadn’t been recruited by Director Fury four years ago. Your sister had had a very rough week at university (as a med student, she had them often) and you felt it would cheer her up to have some homemade delicacies. You were making her favorite candy: caramel pecan clusters. 

     You knew the recipe by heart, seeing as it was the first one you learned. So, when the ingredients arrived thirty minutes later, you set straight to work. 

     For once, the tower was quiet; most of your team members were raiding a Hydra base in Northern Idaho. You thought Pietro and Bucky had stayed home, but there was no way to tell with Pietro always holed up in a gym and Bucky too shy to show his face. You hadn’t been needed for the mission and you had been excited for a little stay-cation. 

     You had just set the ingredients on the stove when you felt someone watching you. You whirled around to see Bucky on the other side of the island. He had a look of curiosity etched across his face.

Curiosity is a fantastic better look on him, you thought, better than ‘broody and depressed assassin’

     “What are you doing?” inquired Bucky.

     “Cooking...” you quipped sarcastically. Duh, you thought.

     “I can see that much. I meant what are doing cooking at nearly 2 AM?” 

     You studied him further; taking note of the bedhead, sweatpants, and hoodie. He looked like he had just woken up. You slowly turned your head to the clock on the stove, which read 1:48 AM. Your powers allowed you to go long periods without sleep, so the time didn’t phase you much. After gathering your thouhgts, you turned to face him.

     “The real question is what are you doing up at nearly 2 AM? Most people are  asleep by now.” You retorted playfully.

     He shrugged his shoulders, “Couldn’t sleep I guess.”

     “I’ve made fresh coffee, want a mug?” You offered, sliding a blue mug across the island to him. He nodded, taking the mug from the counter and sipping it before replying.

     “Thanks. Do you mind if I join you?”

     He said it tentatively, and you could tell he was afraid of being turned away. 

     “Of course! I’d love some help. In fact, if you could line the island with this it   would be incredibly helpful.” You said, handing him a roll of wax paper.  

      Bucky set to work lining the island but couldn’t help watching you as you worked. You were just as coordinated in the kitchen as in the battlefield and he admired how you moved with grace. Of course, you were oblivious to Bucky’s crush on you- Steve was his only confidant. However, Bucky was oblivious to how much you enjoyed his company. He wasn’t obnoxiously suggestive like Tony, and he wasn’t Mr. Righteous like Steve. He didn’t sneak up on people intentionally, like Natasha and Clint. Also, he had respect for your personal bubble unlike some members of the team. *cough* Thor, Son of Odin *cough*

     As Bucky helped you spoon the clusters onto the paper, you suggested watching a movie while they cooled. He accepted with haste and, after all the mixture was laid out, agreed to watch Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. The two of you leaned back into Tony’s over priced sofas as F.RI.D.A.Y started the film. Bucky would never tell you, but you fell asleep before Harry even got to Hogwarts and he used that as an excuse to turn off the film. Of course, Bucky was horrible with technology so he just told F.R.I.D.A.Y  to do it for him.

     Bucky gazed down at your sleeping form, hunched nearly against his side. He shifted a bit farther away out of nervousness, but this action stirred you and caused you to move closer.You were now cuddled up against his side, squishing his arm. Very carefully, as so not to wake you, Bucky placed his arm around your shoulders. He had meant to get up and carry you to your bed, but found himself falling asleep instead. 

                                               +time skip to morning+

     You woke as warm as could be, laying on a pillow that smelled of mint and sandalwood. As your mind cleared, you realized that Bucky was sprawled over the couch and using you as a blanket. Upon felling you shift, he opened his eyes. At first they were clouded with sleep, but then he blinked and opened them again in shock. It was at this time that he attempted to leap off of the couch.

     You both fell to the floor with an undignified shriek in a tangle of limbs. Bucky helped you up and started rattling off apologies.

     “I’m so sorry, Y/N. Honestly. I never meant to fall asleep and I certainly never  meant-” He rushed to make amends.

      “Bucky, slow down! It’s okay, I promise. You can’t control what you do in your sleep and besides, it’s not like you hurt me!” You hastened to calm him, “ I promise you I didn’t mind. I’m going to go and get ready but I assure you: you did nothing wrong.”

   You reached out and squeezed his hand briefly, in reassurance, before heading up to your room. You  wanted to deliver the candies today and you needed to make yourself presentable. As you showered and dressed, you reflected on last night.

I can’t believe he held me!!! Oh, this is so much progress! I need to tell Nat! And Wanda! But first, how can I get him to hang out with me again? He seemed so embarrassed. Maybe he would deliver the candies with me... It’s only a two hour drive... What could go wrong?

     Once you were ready to leave, you decided to go ask Bucky. You had checked the kitchen, gym, and movie room, but he was nowhere to be found. 

     “F.R.I.D.A.Y, is Bucky in the tower?”

     “Yes, ma’am. Sergeant Barnes is in his room. Should I notify him that you need him?”

     “No, I’ve got it. Thanks though.”

     With this new information, you started towards Bucky’s room, which probably should have been your first guess. As you approached the door, you thought about what you would say to him.

Hey, do you wanna visit my little sister?    No, that’s no good. Wanna go tour a med school?   No, that won’t work either. Wanna take a road trip?   That might work...

     You knocked tenderly on the heavy door and you heard rushed, crashing footsteps approached the door. There was one last crash before the door swung open. Bucky swung the door hard enough that it bounced off the wall, revealing him wearing only a towel, hair dripping wet. 

     “You okay in there?” You asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

     “Yeah, sorry. You just caught me- uh- off guard is all. I was just getting out of the shower, I- um- may have tripped on the way to the door” He continued nervously, “So what did you need?”

     “Oh, right! Sorry about that,” His tale of falling had distracted you. “I’m- umm- I’mdrivingdowntoseemysisteranddeliverthosecandiesanddoyouwanttocomewithme?” You inhaled heavily after pushing the sentence out.

     Luckily, he understood you and replied- blushing like a tomato, “Sure, that- uh- that sounds really lo-lovely! I can be ready in ten minutes!”

     “Oh good! Meet me in the kitchen when you’re ready!” You said, walking down the hall to your room. Once around the corner, you all but sprinted to your room to get a bag ready. You threw everything you needed and more into your over-sized purse before grabbing your shoes and running to the kitchen.

     When you arrived, you found Bucky already packaging the candies for you.

Oh my god, what a saint... 

     He was wearing a deep blue hoodie that brightened his eyes and his hair was pulled into a bun so you could actually see his face. It was a nice change from the brooding curtain of hair.

     “Thank you, Buck. I’ve been meaning to do that.” He turned to face you as you spoke.

     “No problem, you seemed like you could use the help.”

     As he returned to his task, you grabbed bottles of water and plums for the ride there. Shoving the snacks in your bag, you turned to face Bucky. He was holding 3 boxes of 2 dozen clusters each- plenty to sacrifice as snacks for you two.

     “Ready?” You asked.

     “As I’ll ever be.”

     “Good, I was thinking we could “borrow” a car from Tony’s garage.”

     “What are we waiting for?” Bucky asked with a grin.

     Within 10 minutes, you had agreed on a cherry red Chevelle that Tony would certainly miss if he came home early. Before the journey started, you offered him a candy and explained your intention of sacrificing a box for snacks.

     “I thought you’d never ask,” he said, crunching down on the cluster and moaning around the sugary snack.

     You turned to him at the noise, “Wow, do you want a room?”

     Bucky flushed red and looked towards the ground, “I’m really sorry it’s just that I haven’t had homemade candies since before the great depression...”

      You laughed quietly and pulled out onto the open road. It was time for the journey to truly begin. About 45 minutes in, you noticed Bucky bouncing his leg and drumming his fingers to a frantic melody on the armrests. His eyes darted from place to place and his forehead had a sheen of sweat. It appeared he was having an anxiety attack. You felt terrible for not noticing sooner, and pulled over as soon as you could to calm him down.

      He looked over to you in question when the car stopped, “What are we stopping for?”

     “Buck, are you okay?” You asked him in a soft voice.

     His already flushed face seemed to somehow get redder as he said, “Yeah, yeah of course. I’m doing fantastic but I think I uh, I might be allergic to your candies...”

     His response sparked panic within you, “Do you have a nut allergy?! OH MY GOD, BUCKY! IS YOUR TONGUE SWELLING UP?! CAN YOU EVEN BREATH?! CAN-”

     “CALM DOWN, DAMMIT, I’M FINE!”

     “YOU ARE SWEATING AND SHAKING, YOU ARE NOT FINE!”

     Bucky looked at you in what appeared to be fear. You realized you had yelled and calmed yourself before speaking again.

     “I’m sorry I yelled, it’s going to be okay. How many did you eat?”

      “Oh, um, around, you know... 16 clusters.”

      “Oh my god, Bucky! That’s it we are buying some meds for you at the nearest gas station.”

      Bucky looked at you like a scolded puppy as you took off down the road. It was only five minutes later you were pulling into a gas station, looking for allergy meds and a shirt not covered in sweat. You snagged a cheesy tourist tee saying “You Know You Need Unique New York!”, two bottles of water and some off-brand ibuprofen before heading to the register. After you had paid, you handed Bucky the bag and ushered him to the bathroom to change. While he was in the restroom, you called the one person you trusted to handle this-            Steve.

     The phone rang twice before his voice crackled through the speakers, “I’m absolutely exhausted, Y/N, so this better be good.”

     “It’s Bucky.”

     “Oh no, is he okay? Is he relapsing?”

     “No- nothing like that! He- he ate 16 caramel pecan clusters and now he’s all shaky and sweating and he can’t focus! Does he have an allergy? I don’t know what to do, Steve!” You rambled in a single breath.

     There was a crackling noise and you knew the phone was being passed.

     “Hey, Y/N. It’s Bruce here, I think Bucky might be having a bit of an overdue sugar high. He hasn’t been given sugar much at all in his life and his body doesn’t know how to react yet. Just let him release some energy and get him plenty of water to flush his system. Oh, and make sure you have Tylenol or another painkiller on hand because he will crash at some point and that will most likely result in headaches or full body aches.”

     “Thank you so much, Bruce. I don’t know what we would do without you.”

     “Anytime, Y/N; text me if he gets worse,” said Bruce before tapping to end the conversation.

      Bucky was coming out of the bathroom around 30 seconds later and he all but skipped towards you. You giggled at the sight and relayed your conversation to him. Upon hearing Bruce’s consensus, he looked at you like a sad puppy.

     “That makes sense, Y/N, but it doesn’t help me,” he drew the last words out in complaint.

     “You know, Clint told me about this place that might help.”

                                                 ~flashback time~ 

     Clint trudged through the tower elevator’s doors and flopped down onto the couch. He was covered in small bruises and patches of what looked like road rash; his wrist was in a small brace.

     Upon seeing him you exclaimed, “Wow, Clint. You look awful.”

     “Always love the compliments, Y/N. If you care to know, I got hurt playing with the kids.”

     “Ouch; were you playing ‘mug the old man’?”

     “Oh, shut up. I took them to this place with inflatable obstacle courses. I’m obviously not the greatest at them.”

                                                ~flashback over~

     “This says it’s only about 15 minutes from here!”you said, looking up from the map app on your Stark Phone. 

                                                +15 minutes later+

     “Just keep your socks on and don’t break anything,” monotoned the bored teen working the counter. 

     Bucky let out a genuine ‘whoop’ and sprinted towards the obstacle courses. From what you could tell, Bucky quite literally had the time of his tragic life. He beat you at every course, jumped in every castle, and discovered that he could pick you up and throw you into the air in order to amaze a party of nine-year-olds. He lasted 1 hour and 23 minutes, after which he puked in a pirate themed bouncy castle and was asked to leave. 

     Back in the van, Bucky apologized for getting you kicked out and fell into the deepest sleep he could remember. That doesn’t say much, but he didn’t have any nightmares so you called it a success.You stole glances at him every chance you got, seeing his hair fall over his peaceful face. His pinks lips were parted the slightest bit and he breathed silently thought them.

He looks like an angel, I only wish he knew it.

                                                       +time skip+

     As you pulled into the tiny dorm parking lot, you leaned over and poked Bucky to wake him up. He groaned and shifted further away, scowling.

     “C’mon, Buck. We’re here!” You said softly.

     “Ugh, I can’t- I’m busy dying.” He grunted to emphasize his point.

     “It’s just like a hangover, Buck. You need time and water. Maybe another nap,” you suggested, “C’mon, her dorm is only on the first floor.”

     Bucky heaved a sigh and ran his hands through his hair before opening his door. You snagged a box of candies from the back seat before jogging up to the dorm complex and waiting for Bucky. He trudged down the hall to dorm A6 and watched as you knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal your sister, who squealed as she saw you. 

     “Oh my god, Y/N! What are you doing here? Oooh, is this your boyfriend?”

     That seemed to awaken Bucky; he blushed and stammered out, “N-no! I’m just, uh, I’m just- “

     “A friend from work! He’s my friend from work.” You finished for him. 

     Your sister eyed you curiously, “Just friends, you say? We’ll see about that.” She winked without a trace of subtlety before letting you both inside.

                                                To be Continued??

#buckyxreader #bucky barnes #reader insert #avengers #sugar high #fanfic

[fourteenacross]

I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SHARING A BED STORY. I NEED ALL THE BACKGROUND ON THAT ALEXANDER AND lAURENS. pLEASE SHARE.

Haha, thanks, buddy! :D

I don’t plan on expanding that rn as my docket is currently ghosthunters shitty summer, fem4ham, ghosthunters fall term, ghosthunters mirrors, so here’s what was going on in my head while I was working on that.

(as a refresher, here’s the original ficlet)

So, John and Alex grew up together, at least for the bulk of their adolescence. Something something Alex came to the US as a child and ended up in South Carolina, I guess, and they met and became instantly inseparable. There were probably a lot of sleepovers contingent on whose parents were annoying them at the moment, lots of exploring and secrets and crushes and finally, maybe their sophomore year of high school, they started dating.

This John’s depression and anxiety are a little amped up from how I read him historically and how I write him in ghosthunters (…for the most part. Uh. To be continued, there.), but he’s more or less coping, sometimes much less, and Alex has made it His Job to be there constantly, whenever John needs him, to do whatever it takes to de-escalate him, an unfortunate symptom of Alex’s own issues. His problems stay kind of below his father’s and teachers’ radar because a) when he goes on an anxiety spiral, unlike every other aspect of his life, instead of lashing out in anger, he turns his pain inward and gets quiet and hurts himself (minorly. Not so much self-harm as looking down after a panic attack and realizing that he was trying so hard to be quiet that he chewed his nails down to the quick or stabbed his nails into his palms hard enough to draw blood or picked a scab open or, not infrequently, yanked his hair so hard that his scalp is red and throbbing and he tore some out) and b) John is ashamed and goes out of his way to cover it up and Alex believes that He Can Handle Everything, so he sort of facilitates that.

Anyway, they do dumb high school sweetheart shit, they go to dances, they lose their virginity, they have huge fights and tearful make-ups, they talk about the future, etc. When the time comes, they both apply to a bunch of different colleges and promise that neither of them will throw their future away for the other. If they both get into the same place, great, but if not, they can handle long distance. Alex secretly fears that John won’t be able to handle long distance, but it doesn’t matter because they both get into Columbia and Alex gets enough financial aid that he doesn’t have to worry about going into debt for the rest of his life.

And John is sure that things will get better in New York, away from his hometown and expectations and terrible memories of things in his past. Alex is, again, doubtful, but he hopes as much as well. And, tragically, Alex is the one who’s right in this case. The stress of trying so hard to leave his anxiety behind just makes him more anxious. He’s overwhelmed and depressed and doesn’t know what to do or how to be a person and eventually Alex gets a call at three o’clock in the morning and it’s John, sounding drunk, saying, “Alex, I did something stupid” and then dropping the phone. And Alex gets the pleasure of running to John’s room and making the RA unlock the door and discovering that John drank quite a bit of vodka and chased it with all of his ativan.

So John–unconscious–and Alex–hysterical–are transported to the hospital, where John’s stomach is pumped and his system is flushed and all that good stuff. Someone at the hospital calls John’s dad when Alex discovers he’s shaking too much to use the phone and, thank god, he’s listed as John’s emergency contact, so at least he gets updates from the doctors as he waits to see how John’s doing.

The long and short of it is that they have John admitted for a mandatory psych eval and, though at first he’s insistent that he’s not crazy and he should be allowed to leave, by about twenty-four hours into his seventy-two hour stay he starts to realize how messed up he’s let himself become, so he agrees to be admitted for a slightly longer stay.

It ends up being a few weeks, I think, and Alex visits him religiously,  every single chance he’s able. His dad stays in New York for the length of his admission and he starts to put his life back together and begins the search for more helpful medication and starts therapy for the first time and mostly just has a few weeks when the world stops. Which is all he’s wanted for years and years, since his mother and brother died. A few days when everything just stops and he has time to breathe and think and make decisions.

Alex comes up a lot in his therapy, obviously, and one of the things that’s been making him extra anxious is his desire to please Alex, his desperation to be good enough for him, to be someone he deserves. And no matter how many times Alex tells him he has nothing to live up to, he’s perfect the way he is, it’s something that John struggles with. So his therapist suggests that maybe he and Alex should take a little break so John can focus on being good for himself instead of being good for his boyfriend. And it is the last fucking thing that John wants to do, but it makes sense. And, in family therapy, Alex very earnestly tells John that John is his best friend and he will always be there for him, and if he needs some time to himself to get his shit together, Alex understands. Just because they’re not together doesn’t mean Alex is going anywhere.

Which kind of seals it for John. He likes the idea of being able to spend a few weeks breathing and existing without losing Alex’s emotional support. As long as he still has Alex as a friend, he’ll be okay.

And it’s just a few weeks to start, but by then the new semester is starting and John is severely behind due to his leave of absence the year before, so he needs more time to focus on that. He figures they’ll stay apart as long as it takes him to catch up on classes. But then spring semester ends and John’s got a summer class to make up a class he had to drop in the fall and Alex has a job and he doesn’t want to distract either of them. And then it’s fall and John starts to backslide, so he takes more time and then, before he knows it, it’s spring of their sophomore year and Alex is awkwardly asking him if it would be okay if he went on a couple dates with someone else.

“Just, like, messing around,” Alex says quickly. “Not–just until you’re ready. I love you. But I want you to be ready and I don’t want to rush you and–nevermind, this was stupid, I can’t believe I asked–”

“No,” John says quietly. “No, that’s…that’s a good idea. I think you should do it.”

It’s feels like the hardest and worst thing John’s ever had to do, even though he knows, objectively, that’s not true. But he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready for a relationship again and he doesn’t want Alex to wait forever. That will just brew resentment, eventually, and he wants Alex to be happy. If that means he’s gonna go out and fuck some other guy…then so be it.

Alex is simultaneously surprised, relieved, and disappointed. He didn’t expect John to give him a straight answer and certainly not immediately. And he’s interested in a guy and kind of wants to explore the world outside of his relationship with John before they settle down forever. He’s only ever been with one other person–John hasn’t been with anyone outside of Alex. But at the same time, it feels like something is ending. Part of him had hoped that John would say, You know what, let’s try being a real couple again, and that they’d pick up where they left off and everything would be okay again. And things are good now–he still has John in all the important ways, John is still his world, but there’s a part of him that misses kissing him and being kissed and touching him and the fragile intimacy of having sex with someone he loves so wholly.

But John has to move at his own pace. So Alex asks out this guy and John hates him. He pretends, for Alex’s sake, to tolerate him, but he thinks he’s vain and selfish and stupid and not nearly as hot as Alex thinks he is. He knows that most of the reason he hates him so much is because he’s kissing Alex and John isn’t, but he figures as long as he doesn’t say any of that to his or Alex’s face, he’s okay.

And after that guy, Alex has a couple more flings, guys and girls alike. And by the time they’re getting ready to graduate and John feels like he’s maybe ready to be Alex’s boyfriend again, Alex has been accepted to law school and John finds out he’s short a couple credits, so he has to take some summer classes and they’re just so busy. And Alex has this friends-with-benefits thing with their buddy Angelica and he actually seems like he’s taking it kind of seriously? And John doesn’t want to fuck that up, especially when Alex says, sheepishly, that he’s been invited to spend the summer with Angelica’s family. John tells him to go and have fun and, based on the pictures on social media, he totally does. And John is alone and bored in New York, trying not to be resentful of Alex’s summer with Angelica and her sisters, and there’s this cute guy in his building who keeps bumping into him in the halls and one night he’s drunk and lonely and they bump into each other and John let’s the guy take him back to his apartment.

And, two days later, he’s trying to figure out how to tell Alex that he slept with someone else when Alex calls him and starts the conversation with, “You can say no.”

John says, “What?”

And Alex says, “Um, I met this girl.”

And John says, “I thought you were there with Angelica and her sisters.”

And Alex says, “I am. Uh, it’s one of her sisters. You know me and Angelica were always just casual. But. I kind of like her sister.”

And John says, “Then you should ask her out.”

So Alex does and John waits a couple weeks and then casually says, “There’s this guy in my building who’s really hot.” 

And Alex pauses for just a second too long and then says, “Then you should ask him out.”

And John is a little sad, a little wistful at giving up his first love, but he figures that’s just the way it was supposed to be. He feels better about it when Alex comes home from the shore and is still everything he was before–John’s inseperable best friend, always there for him at a drop of a hat, eager to spend as much time together as they can manage. Alex was, before anything else, his best friend and as long as he has that, he thinks he’ll be okay.

Alex, meanwhile, panicked the moment he felt that first pull towards Eliza, sitting up around the bonfire with her, talking about everything, hours after Angelica and Peggy went to bed. He tells her all about John and she listens and nods and he realizes he wants to kiss her and realizes she’s not the kind of girl you kiss and few times and fuck for a couple weeks and then move on. When he calls John, he almost wants him to say no, but he doesn’t, so he goes ahead and asks her out.

“What about John?” she asks.

“I talked to him,” Alex admits. “And he told me to ask you out.”

“I’m not going to be a distraction while you’re waiting for him to want you again,” she warns him. “If we’re together, you’re with me. You’re not biding your time.”

“I know,” Alex says. “And I love him more than anything. And I always will. But I get to have a life too. And at this point, I don’t think we’ll ever be on the same page, so I might as well go out and make one.”

When he hears about Francis a couple weeks later, his heart freezes in his chest. He feels like he wants to throw up, which is selfish–he has Eliza, now, he doesn’t get to have a say in who John fucks. And maybe it’s just fucking. Maybe they’re not even going to date. So he sucks it up, only a second or two too long for polite conversation, and tells John to ask him out.

He drinks a lot that night and Eliza doesn’t ask why, but she does hold his hair back when he pukes the next morning and hold onto him while he cries.

And after that, life just…goes on. Alex gets caught up in law school. John gets a job as a freelance illustrator as he tries to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Alex and Eliza stay together, then break up for a few months after Alex cheats on her (and John never has to know about how she shouted, I always knew you’d do this, but I just assumed it would be John you fucked! in a moment of petty weakness that Eliza is too ashamed to mention again and Alex is too guilty to mention again, because he thinks if John asked, he would have), and then get back together. John breaks up with Francis and dates a few other guys, a couple he even thinks he might be able to love one day. John starts his own photography business and manages to do pretty well for himself. Alex graduates law school and accepts a position at his mentor’s law firm. John and Francis get back together. Alex gets offered substantially more money to move out to Philly and work in the office out there. Eliza moves with him and John’s a little surprised they haven’t gotten engaged yet, but doesn’t like to think about it too hard, though he doesn’t examine why. After six months, Eliza gets offered a job in California and, after a long conversation with Alex, decides to take it, even though Alex won’t leave his job to come with her. A few weeks after that, Francis and John have one last shouting match that ends with Francis shoving all of his stuff in John’s apartment into a garbage bag and storming out.

And then, about a month later, after the holidays, Alex calls John at two in the morning and says, I think I made as mistake.

And then, here we are.

#fic by me #except not really #john laurens #alexander hamilton #lams #the redacted boys #fic i'm not actually writing #replies #cw: suicide attempt

[intheheartofthematter]

GPOY (thinking on it all) As my mom put it, I’m in a pickle...

It’s been 9 days I still haven’t heard back from T & Alexandria, and there aren’t any good/new listings on the real estate sites. I advised Alexandria to rework their part with a potential lender (problems, change the type), and told them both, if still interested, let’s make it happen! Maybe it’s too much pressure. I know that they’re busy, too, but we’re running out of time! Snow season will be here before long. And, for the past few months I’ve been paying their missing roommate’s share of rent, throwing that money away! Right now, there are four of them living there. I was trying to ease their money woes and stress, so they wouldn’t have to move before our move. But, the longer they stay, the more we lose towards it all. So, in the meantime today, I’m pondering and going through more things, trying to decide what to keep out & what to pack and trying not to think too much on it while we’re in limbo. I can’t formulate my overall future plan without first knowing if we’ll be living together (and the costs) or if I’ll be living alone (and look for a smaller, most affordable, residence). I can stay here in the meantime, but it’s hard to be nice or happy when I have a lot of resentment, and to feel used while I’m still here being pulled away from preparing for myself. And, my brother... well, he’s still in bed. He’s been depressed in bed for days, only getting up at night to watch TV in the living room or escape in a video game. Knowing what they’re doing to me, knowing that he has it made, always cared for and spoiled, and that he can’t help me and that he’ll be losing me here, he’s more depressed than I am, lol. Anyway, gonna drink this while I eat the music.

(keep scrolling)

My Mango drink made me think of this song... that’s all. Actually, a lot of KB and SxTx have been playing on my channel. And now Louis Armstrong again. Oh! This song now, listened to a lot after my grandpa’s funeral :) I'll Be Seeing You

Skylar 

I’m half tempted to sample this natural fine fragrance, for aromatherapy on myself. I haven’t bought anything frivolous like this for myself in a looooooong time! I can get 10% off a sample box, which gives me $20 off of my favorite scent for a full-sized bottle. Hmm... maybe. I should save every penny, but something deep inside of me says it’s okay, that it might be beneficial. Or, I’m just trying to talk myself into it, lol. 

I’m trying to decide which tea I’m most in the mood for...

Stash is the best when it comes to chai! Made with part milk... near authentic! 

Celestial is the best Peppermint tea! I was never fond of it until I had to drink it for nausea every morning at 4am. I woke up in pain and nauseated like clockwork, initially. Two bags and a little sugar works like magic! Recently, my brother was real nauseated. I made it that way for him. Felt 100% better after!

And, tonight’s winner is...

I decided on this instead for now... Smiley Daisy was rated #1 overall in 2019 after 3 years of research. I researched it, and didn’t go by what the seller claims. But, instead of Juju Aroma oils, I’m going to first try Pura d’or. I like the wooden box, too! And, like that it includes Tea Tree, Rosemary & Frankincense. 

My grandpa’s plaque arrived. I’m not ready to put it together.

Also, a Lotus pendant I ordered arrived. I forgot about it! It’s like a white pearl inside, but after exposed to light it turns Egyptian Blue. Well, blue. I’m calling it Egyptian Blue (Lotus). In the second pic you can see it’s just starting to turn blue...

That’s an Egyptian Blue Lotus Flower. The blue is soft in the same way. It might seem like I used a filter, because I dimmed the lights. I didn’t. It turns blue (but turns white too, at different times). I like it because I have the purity of the Buddha symbolism with the white Lotus AND the Egyptian symbolism of the Egyptian Blue Lotus, combined... However I wish to perceive it at times, and tune into. And, the symbolism of my growing out of this muck I’m in right now. It’s kinda pretty for being inexpensive. The lighting makes it hard to tell, the chain and Lotus flower are silver. Feeling in a little shock again over my grandpa’s plaque. I’ll share it put together soon. Taking a breather first, instead of pushing myself emotionally. I’m kinda in overload with everything.. How are you doing? 

TFBM GPOY :) 

Also...

Happy Birthday, Alex! Love and miss you!! 💕

When Alex was preparing for her death, she asked me what of hers did I want. I told her I didn’t know, to decide for me. Well, I guess what she had labeled as mine, as well as some Disney collectibles she had labeled for the children, and other belongings, her mother went through all first and took what she wanted. (I have three things Alexandria (her cousin, Alex introduced T to Alexandria) gave to me from the leftovers.) Her mom also grabbed Alex’s urn and quickly left after spending a little time at the services. Everyone was gossiping about it. Who else should have kept it? For Alex, it was a final act of proof of her mother’s love for her, what she always wanted from her mother. She loved her mother, and if anything, was as understanding as she could be of her ways. If you remember, her mother was and is a drug addict who couldn’t handle being there for Alex while growing up (left in her grandfather’s care when not in foster care) nor when she was in the hospital. She glared intensely at me, because she knew I took on the part, and in her excitable, tweaking manner she left and never returned - not because of me. Being young, and being treated by young nurses, Alex was modest about their help with showering. She asked me to help her shower, because she knew I wouldn’t stare and judge, that I’d be more motherly - her words. I also knew how to help calm her down when she would go into a severe anxiety attack, from years of being close. I did the same for her the day she died when she kept taking off the oxygen mask, becoming too frantic about a sudden surge of visitors arriving. Her last boyfriend’s mother gave me a look like, how dare you talk to her like that when she’s lying here dying. I didn’t say anything mean or harsh, lol. I spoke with a parental authority tone, what she craved. She calmed down. It’s not to pat myself on the back... I want to point out that paying attention to what someone needs is important. Just the act of my directing her into calming down, and placing the oxygen mask back over her mouth and nose, helped her to calm down. She squeezed my hand and shook her head in acknowledgement. When her ‘God-Mother’ (her mother’s friend) started to take over things in her last few days, she didn’t show up, but she called several times asking Alex too many questions... I answered her phone that day and she wanted to know who I was, but once we talked a while, she started to ask me those questions instead. One was, does she want a priest to come in and read her her last rites? I asked Alex, in one simple question leaving out the details. She said, yes (anything to ease her fear). I told her God-Mother to hurry. It had to be today. Because she hadn’t come to see her, she was in shock by that, and said she’d see what she could do. He arrived a few hours later. Her God-Mother didn’t. And with a room full of people, standing aside so they could comfort her and take a part in it, no one stepped forward... in fact, they all kind of sunk into the walls. Her last boyfriend’s mom was there, too (who she lived with for a while), and I thought she’d want to step up in a motherly way and as a Catholic, but I think it was too much for her in the moment. So, as weak and sedated as Alex was, she couldn’t really follow in raising her arms, so I stepped up and held her hands up for her... and took part in the ceremony. After the priest anointed her head and blessed her with a prayer, Amen, Alex loudly burst out, “AMEN!” lol (like, 1. to be entertaining and make her visitors smile 2. thank God it’s over... not the ceremony, but the finality with a blessing). I softly giggled and leaned in close to her saying, “God, I love you!” She gave me a big smile. And this, I know I probably shouldn’t have said it, but I did. We had an honest relationship... I knew she wouldn’t take it as something inappropriate. One thing said, When you leave, try to talk to me. I can hear you in my mind. You won’t be alone. I’ll be with you. “Okay, I’ll try. But I don’t think I can.” Yes, you can. Speak to me with your mind. You won’t be alone. I’ll be with you. Even now as you rest. I’ll be able to hear you. “Okay, I will. I’ll concentrate.” You don’t need to concentrate. Just relax and talk to me with your thoughts. “Okay.” And, I wasn’t entirely certain she would have died that night, but she died a couple of hours after I left and telling her, I love you. I have to go. “What? You have to go?” I have to go... and I looked into her eyes and said it again, I have to go. 

T, Alex, friend. Taken @Star Image Brea Mall. So young! :) I found the envelope of these photos in this box...

Mixed Stone GemTree belonged to Alex, one little thing... I’ll share a few more later. Are you seeing this?

Here are the three things Alexandria picked up for me that belonged to Alex, all in the gold box. I know Alex labeled a few books for me, because she mentioned it once, but I don’t know what they were. I never found out what happened to her ESA cat, Peter (named after Peter Pan). I hope the cousin she was living with kept him or someone took him into a good home. 

It was hard to get one pic of the little details of this box.  I got the box and necklace at the Cleopatra Exhibit on  September 13, 2012. Below shows the inside of the box.

That’s called a Sundrop. “Sunshine in a drop of glass.  Melted with focused sunlight and shaped by gravity,  colorful glass naturally forms a signature droplet shape.”

These too. Canopic jar replicas that open. Anubis & Horus.

Also inside the gold box, a keepsake of my dad’s urn, and my dad’s mom and dad’s, my Grammie and Gramps (what they liked to be called), Christmas ornament celebrating 50 years together. If you remember, my Gramps, George John Kallio, was Finnish, and raised my dad from youth although not his natural son. My dad used the last name Kallio in his lifetime, but when he joined the service he had to switch back to Rogers.

There have been many other losses in my lifetime, and now I’m facing more, tho different. Physical loss & the loss of a home at the same time are hardest. I need something to look forward to.

I just have to get this out. 2016 was a hard year. It doesn’t feel like 3 years ago already, because I was never given the chance to properly grieve. (January 31, 2016) Laurie’s mom, like a second mom to me, unexpectedly died. Then (March 4, 2016) Henry, pool league captain, a mentor about T, and friend, unexpectedly died. The league officials called me first, knowing how much I admired him, not wanting me to hear about it second hand. Very thoughtful. Then Alex, was born on the 14th and died on the 14th (March 14, 2016). My dad, whose health took a sudden turn for the worst and died (July 27, 2016). Rough year. Especially when all of their birthdays followed close behind. My dad’s birthday is coming up, September 24th.

TFBM 🙏🏻

“I have longed for people before,  I have loved people before. Not like this.  It was not this.  Give me a world,  you have taken the world I was.”

— Anne Carson  (Source: violentwavesofemotion)

There was an Irish Blessing TFBM yesterday that I didn’t save and now I can’t retrieve it. I was going to share it for/to you. But, when I went to look for it online, this kept standing out. My Grammie always proudly proclaimed her Irish heritage and Alex was wearing the Shamrock cap... IDK, I choose to believe it’s from one or both (to me?). Why not?!

Here’s what’s happening with my Gramps burial flag display... In order to make it fit I would have to try to cram it in or refold it (and I don’t want to do that!), so I’m returning the shadow box and will seek another one of different dimensions. Most likely I’ll get a square or rectangle shadow box and put in the military pins of my grandfather’s, that I kept - explained below, and a copy of the book I have with original cover colors my gramps painted, although I do like the revised edition, too. The author said, “I just received this picture of George Kallio, featured in the book, from Gary Simmons, also featured in the book. George painted this picture which is of the Ardmore, OK's first airport, built in 1920-1921. This was the last painting George completed before becoming too ill to do what he loved. George painted the original covers for the book, The Night A Fortress Fell To Fairfield. The cover for the Revised Edition was modified a tiny bit, but his original drawing was maintained to show the failing aircraft ready to crash.”

The rest is coming in a little while. Instead of a link, I had to revise incorrect parts, and will paste it in. Only a few little things. It says that my grandparents moved to Fort Worth, TX and settled there after my grandpa’s retirement. My Grammie and dad, as a youth, lived in Fort Worth, TX and her relatives lived in Ardmore, where my Gramps was stationed. My dad never lost the TX accent entirely. It would come out at times, and some of my friends would make me laugh by the way they’d ask, “Wha...Your dad has an accent? What kind of accent is that?! Where is your dad from?” Also, I thought it was funny that my cousins in OK, and their friends, were all amazed by what they called my “California accent” and couldn’t get over it, and kept bringing it up anytime I spoke. I would then say, I don’t have an accent... you do! My Grammie had more of a soft southern accent. I think a mix, more Oklahoman. She was very ladylike in ways I’d have to find an actress to play the part and direct her just to show you what I’m talking about. The other little mistake, they got the two name part right, but spelled my name Carol. And, only used one name, Tara. You’ll understand when I add the rest. I included T’s full given name to my slight revision. Don’t search for the book...... I’ll provide the link.

Finally heard from T... God, the communication sucks! They were supposed to answer me... not the other way around. Maybe by not responding right away, T will go back and read the last text I sent. So much like me when I was young & now.

Here’s one for Alexandria... 

Last time they were over (on Labor Day) she was making plans with my brother for Knott’s Halloween Haunt! I think I need to email them both what I wrote about my preliminary diagnosis and what I found out about disability insurance, etc. Of course I’ll tell them nicely first, that this is what I’m facing, please read the email. They already know that we need to get going before snow season and to move before our move, if we wait until spring, they might have to sign a year lease (most places require it now), or lose more moving money by continuing to pay the extra rent they incurred when a roommate moved out.

These came today... the oils are to arrive on Friday. I’ll wait to add the rest after I know you’re ready...

I wonder if he has any fur left... all stuck to the tape, lol. One moment, he bit through with his fangs... they got stuck!

OK  

My grandpa’s obituary (I don’t know who wrote it):

George John Kallio, 92, of Ardmore, Oklahoma, passed away on Wednesday, June 19, 2013. Funeral services will be 10:30 a.m. Saturday, June 22, 2013, in The Chapel at Griffin~Hillcrest with Pastor Terry Tolbert officiating. Services will conclude in The Chapel with private interment to follow.

Born on June 25, 1920, to Joseph and Selma (Tuohino) Kallio, George was one of nine siblings born to immigrant parents who came to America from Finland in 1904. His parents met on the boat and were married a short time later. Settling in Peabody, Massachusetts, they later moved to a small Finnish community on the tip of Cape Ann, Massachusetts. His parents could not speak English until later in life. The children had a difficult time as they started school, as they neither understood nor spoke English. The family moved to Gloucester, Massachusetts, when George was 14. Gloucester citizens consisted of Italian, Portuguese, Finnish, English nationalities and others. George’s father worked all his life in the granite quarries of the area.

George enlisted in the U.S. Army Air Corps, September 1, 1940, serving during WWII as a Tech Sergeant and Flight Engineer Instructor at Ardmore Army Air Field, instructing hundreds of B-17 combat crew flight engineers, in the classroom and sky, prior to the crew’s assignment overseas. He was assigned to Ardmore in October 1943. Earlier, while at Ephrata AAF, Washington, he and three crew members bailed out of a distressed B-17, at 10:30 p.m. February 3, 1943, at 14,000 feet in a blinding snowstorm near Fairfield, Washington. He spent the night wrapped in his parachute in hip-deep snow until daylight when he walked to a farmhouse. This event, 66 years later, became the subject of a book, “The Night a Fortress Fell to Fairfield” authored by the granddaughter of the farm owner, S.J. Buob, where the aircraft crashed. In 2009, George became a belated member of the “Caterpillar Club,” a unique organization open only to those who parachuted under life threatening circumstances.

Dottie Ralls, the love of his life, rode the train to Great Bend, Kansas, after he was transferred there from Ardmore, in October 1944. When she arrived, a Justice of the Peace, located a few blocks from the depot, married them. Not a church wedding, but maybe it qualified, as the Justice of the Peace’s last name was Moses.

After the War, George became a commercial artist through determination, four years of night school and support from the GI Bill. He was fully employed in that field for 50 years, retiring in 1985. Following retirement, George and Dottie moved from Van Nuys, CA back to Ardmore, OK where they lived for over 20 years. Dottie died in 2002 in Ardmore after complications of an abdominal condition. George served for a period of time as a Charge of Quarters volunteer at the Military Memorial Museum in Ardmore. (Where his close friend and historian, Gary Simmons, set up a memorial displaying my grandfather’s Caterpillar Club pin and his story. He broke down crying and hugged me when he asked if I would consider a Deed of Gift of the rare pin, saying it would mean a lot to him, and I answered him, along the lines of; Of course! It would be an honor and how better to honor my grandpa!)

In later years, George spent a portion of his time producing unique pen and ink drawings that he “embellished” with color from acrylic paint, pastel chalks or pencils. “Daily Ardmoreite” made others aware of his skill in its December 3, 2006, edition. George was the artist who designed the cover for the book authored by Claudia Hagen, granddaughter of S. J. Buob. George was a member of Trinity Church of Ardmore.

He was preceded in death by his parents; wife, Dottie (Ralls) Kallio; three sisters; and four brothers.

George is survived by his son, Ron Rogers; granddaughter, Caryl Beth Rogers; great-granddaughter, Tara Kristyn Paulson; sister, Laura Murray; sisters-in-law, Charlyn Ralls, Inez Ralls and JoAnn Rush; brother-in-law, Wayne Ralls and wife, Ozelle; dearest friend, Gary Simmons; and numerous nieces, nephews, relatives and friends.

My grandma’s full name: Dorothy Alice Ralls (Kallio), aka Dottie. Makes me think of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Alice from Alice in Wonderland :)

Blizzard wreckage of B-17 Flying Fortress (parachute escape).

George Kallio and Gary Simmons.

I know I’ve never met anyone sweeter than my grandpa, ever! Look at that photo of him when he was young... I was so blessed to have him as my grandpa. So blessed! My grandma would sometimes act jealous that I was so attached to him. I loved her so, too. But she was fussy, lol. My grandpa was kind and generous and comforting. And, although American, I think being raised within the Finnish culture, he was different, interesting, and crafted things for me... One was a wooden chair, with a high back, and a seat that opened like a toy box. He painted it with my name and a little blonde girl (me) and flowers... he also painted my name with a fancy design around it on a bicycle they bought for me, and kept at their house, so we could ride bikes when I’d visit. And, most magical, he crafted a big wooden, musical (I don’t know what they’re called) carousel-like box with dolls and horses that went in and out and round and round... God, I wish I had photos or video... I know there was more, but it’s hard to recall. These are the grandparents who gave me my piano on my 9th birthday. They asked me to promise to always keep it, and I have, but it needs to be restored. My brother ruined it in ways and even dropped it down the stairs when moving it once, when my mom let him take it when he moved out, when she was keeping it at her house. I couldn’t keep it with me at that time. Still, she had no right. And, my grandparents bought antiques and collectibles for me that my dad kept for me at his house, to be given to me when I had a home of my own, but he divorced his wife before then and she kept them all. My grandparents confronted her about it and she said that they’re in the will for me! What will? And, I’m old now. My grandparents wanted me to enjoy them in my life, in my home. They didn’t argue with her about it. She’s like a Martha Stewart type. Interior designer for a while, art teacher, gourmet cooking, she collects antiques. Her home was featured in House and Gardens once... and, she won 1st place for her yard and garden designs in Orange County a number of times. She still lives in Santa Ana, close to South Coast Plaza, in the same house where my dad lived. That house was fun... and the bathroom I used was gothic, but pretty, and eerie. We still keep in touch on occasion. I called her when my dad was dying. She wasn’t interested in visiting him, and only wanted to talk about herself, so I never answered her last letter after he died. I called to let her know, but got her machine and I knew she had surgery planned that day, would be recovering, so I didn’t leave a message. Anyway, this is depressing me now. I wasn’t expecting to add this part... but, I did.

OK, I wrote T back and they started talking about moving to Palmdale first! We can do this and that and it gives us time, so I said a little to explain why it’s important I move out of state as soon as possible, even if alone, mostly for healthcare. But to explain more that I’d be sending an email, which explained the disability insurance and all. I also sent the pictures and story of my grandpa and what I said about him here, my piano and stepmom. A little more was said in text, then this, with a few things left out. Easier to add this way. When talking to T, Grandpa is my Grandpa Kallio and Papa is my dad.

TFBM

“Color, like life, contains such fine nuances” –Matthias Pilsl

The shell casings, from my grandpa’s 21-gun salute, I thought about including in the shadow box with his burial flag, book, picture(s), pins and medals. But, the shells aren’t pretty at all. Not a shiny gold or brass, but rather a bleak black. I read somewhere that displaying 3 is symbolic, but I’m not sure it is for WWII. I’ll look into it first. 

I don’t think my gramps felt he deserved it or really cared about being recognized for service early in his life. He never talked about it... to me, at least. I think once Gary pulled the B-17 wreckage story out of him and began to share other memorial stories my grandpa became more accepting of it. 

A wood garden box he crafted later in life for my grandma.

My grammie on the left. With a thick head of hair like that  I can understand the hair accessories she wore, like the ones  shared before... Maybe I’ll come across more photos where  we can see them adorning her hair. (Both died on the 19th.)

I found two Finnish dictionaries in his belongings and I have one myself he sent to me, so now I have three. All different. I also found a picture of his dad and first wife, who died during childbirth. His half-brother stayed behind in Finland with his grandparents, I believe. My grandpa would write to him all the time and used these dictionaries to help him when he’d get stuck remembering words. He subscribed to publications in the language later in life to refresh. I’m hoping to come across photos of his mother. There are photos I found that could be her, but no info written on the backs, so I’m not sure. 

Here’s a photo of my stepmom and dad when they married. 

A couple of photos of my silly kid my grandpa had in his belongings. There are many others, surprisingly. My gramps took tons of photos of me growing up when little and I’m feeling sad that I haven’t come across any... a random one or two. I have another box to go through, but I don’t think photos are in it. I don’t know if my dad ended up with them and now they’re gone or if I’ll come across them when I keep going through things. It’s depressing me. I wanted to find the photos of me with my grandpa. There’s one I’m thinking of where I have my arms wrapped around his neck, hanging on from his back, in a swimming pool. Real young. I also wanted to find photos of some of the things he crafted for me. I can’t imagine where the photos would be now, if not in his belongings. Maybe if I contact my stepmom, if she’s still alive now, she’d have some to give to me. I guess T & Alexandria are coming over tonight. My brother invited them for the season premier of American Horror Story.

Some stuffed animals T doesn’t want...

"Maze II" by James Jean, Graphite and Digital, 2013. My candy lollipop. Still working my way through.

My dad became paralyzed in 2004. Medical hell. Now I’ll be facing my own. In a lot of pain today. Coming across pics of animals I lost recently, too. It feels like a never ending stream.  You want music? OK :) Here’s this for now:

[staciabimanyu]

Dealing with Vit D Deficiency

In April 2019, upon having entered into a swimming competition, I felt sudden shoulder and neck pains on the left side of my body. The pain went on and off and became worse during the night. I was in my lowest shape in June 2019 as the pain started striking my inner ear and so I went to an ENT specialist to get my ear checked but the specialist did not find anything.

           I initially suspected that I had a pinched nerve which further led me to a chiropractor, who I hoped was the one who could end my misery. During the first visit, the chiropractor did some physical examinations and said, “You’ve got a Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS)”. He explained that the healing process would not be instant and so I need to be patient as It would take several sessions of therapy to achieve 100% recovery. I had no idea what that was so I did a Google research right after I went home. After reading through people’s threads and replies in one of so many TOS forums I have found (I was quite surprised by the fact that there is actually a lot of people who have been struggling with TOS), I discovered that the symptoms did sound pretty similar to what I have experienced, so I thought it would not hurt if I continue the therapy sessions the following weeks.

A one-time therapy session which lasted for 45 minutes consists of acupuncture, dry cupping, and infrared exposure treatments. Unfortunately, after undergoing four sessions of therapy, my neck and shoulder pain did not seem to get better, and the worse part was that there were some additional symptoms that suddenly appear, such as leg numbness and vertigo, and that was when my husband said, “I think you need to see an orthopedist and get your body medically checked. It is probably not a pinched nerve at all.” I completely agreed and immediately made an appointment with an orthopedist who had been taking good care of me when I had a Jones Fracture a year ago. This orthopedist wrote me a recommendation letter to the radiology department to have a shoulder MRI and Thorax X-Ray and I brought the results of such tests to him the following week and that was when the conversation took place.

The orthopedist : (Looking at my MRI and X-Ray result) All looks good. You only have a mild tendinosis in your left shoulder, it’s probably the inflammation that has been causing your neck and shoulder pain all this time. It's not a big thing but It is just kind of rare to come across this tendinosis case in a patient at your age as it is related to degenerative bones, which commonly found in elderly people.”

I was actually a bit worried, I felt like Benjamin Button.

Me: Is it like dangerous? Is there any sort of treatment to cure this?

The orthopedist: No, it is not dangerous. All you need to do is stretching, I will show you how.

After teaching me how to stretch, in which he said I should do it at least 4 times a day, I began to ask more questions.

Me: So, doc, I assume this stretching result won't likely be perceived until at least a week from now, my guess? Is there anything that can instantly reduce my pain?

The orthopedist: For now, I recommend to give you a steroid injection in your shoulder.  

Me: How does this steroid injection works? Would the pain go away permanently?

The orthopedist: No, only temporary.

Since I was so in pain at the time, I approved very quickly to receive the injection.

When the syringe was pinched to my shoulder skin, it felt normal, just like another blood test injection I usually had. But when the liquid being injected, I can feel the pain to the bone.

And the conversation continued.

Me: Doc, any suggestion on what actions need to be taken if the pain recurrent or even got worse?

The orthopedist: I'm sure that the inflammation would heal itself in a couple of days after receiving this steroid injection and after taking the medicine that I am about to prescribe you. However, apart from your tendinosis, you have a sharp-edged shoulder bone which can potentially cause you to feel pain in the future. In which case, I recommend you to have surgery.

Sharp-edged shoulder bone? Why didn't he mention it in the first place? And surgery? Is there any better solution? I did expect the treatment would be less dramatic than surgery.

Me: Surgery? Seriously? For what?

The orthopedist: Yes, to cut your bones. You’ll feel a lot better after surgery.

“Thank you for your recommendation Doc, but no, thanks”, I whispered in my heart.

Sometimes, visiting a doctor can be so devastating, especially if surgery seems to be the one and only answer. Also, he did not seem to find the root cause of my other symptoms (i.e vertigo and leg numbness).

I did the stretching that the orthopaedist taught me to. However, a few days after the orthopaedist visit took place, my neck and shoulder pain got worse. I was so in pain, I could not concentrate on my work and one day I felt a sudden stabbing pain in my upper chest. I really thought I was having a heart attack and so I went to a cardiologist to get my heart checked. My EKG test result was surprisingly normal so he sent me to an internist to see if my GERD issue was recurrent because after reading my medical record, he suspected that the culprit of all of the symptoms I had was the GERD issue.

I followed his instruction and went to an internist. All the internist did was measuring my heart rate. She then came into conclusion that the GERD is what has been causing all the symptoms merely upon observing that my heart rate was so high. She looked at me and said “You look really worried and that’s the first thing that I notice from all of my patients who have been struggling with GERD. Their anxiety was written all over their face, just like you” Dude, of course I look worried. I AM WORRIED for not knowing what happens with me after all the tests and consultation that I went through. And so her diagnosis was that I had an anxiety disorder which leads to GERD. GERD ok but anxiety disorder? I told my best friend this story and her first reaction was “I don’t accept that you have been diagnosed to have an anxiety disorder. Dude, you are like the most chill person I have ever met.”

And neither do I. I felt the urgency to get a second opinion, so I went to the Second and Third Internist just to hear a similar diagnosis like “You need to be more relax and maintain your stress. It’s all in your head. “ I have never felt so desperate in my life before.

At the bottom of my heart, was pretty damn sure that those were not GERD symptoms, cause it felt different. I have been battling with GERD for years and I notice the difference. When you have a GERD problem, the chest pain that you tend to feel will be like the heartburn type of pain, which in my current case, what I felt is more like a stabbing pain to one point area of my upper chest.

I became more and more frustrated each day. One more additional symptom that I started to feel was that I can't stand to type for more than an hour cause my thumbs would start to generate a tingling sensation. It’s been really disturbing cause It made me less productive on my work, so I made an appointment with a neurologist to see if I have a carpal tunnel syndrome. After having received numerous diagnosis from many different specialists, I was a bit skeptical that this neurologist would finally be able to find the root cause and provide me with a permanent solution.

I still remember I prayed the night before the visit, “God, I am so tired with all of this. I began to feel depressed as it seems like I am only spinning around in a circle of a never-ending searching process. I hope this neurologist will be your incarnation to help me solve my health issue. “

The neurologist sent me to have an MRI (a different type of MRI from the previous MRI that I had before). It is called Braxial Plexus MRI. He also sent me to the laboratory to have a blood test. (CPK, LDH and Vitamin D3). Like I have said before I was soo skeptical. Another MRI..but a blood test? This is actually something new. But I thought let's just see. I brought the result the next day and went to see him again.

He looked at the MRI, “It's all good”.

I am not happy with his statement. I want him to find something. I want an answer.

Then he looked at my blood test and said “Ah there you go. You have a severe vitamin D deficiency. Your level is 9 ng/ml, where the minimum range should be at least 30ng/mL ”

At first, was like are you kidding me? I drank milk every day, I eat cheese every once in a week.

My husband replied with a question, “How is that possible? Does it mean she is malnourished?”

Me: “But I drank milk every day”

The neurologist: You can drink milk as much as you want but still lack of Vitamin D. You need to sunbathe. You deficiency is simply because you never or seldom went outside and did not get enough sun exposure.

It's 100% true. I never went outside my office, not even during lunch. My company provides lunch for their employee (which is good), but it is ironically what has been pampering me not to go outside.

My husband: So when is the best time to sunbathe and how long do you have to sunbathe each day?

The neurologist: The best time to sunbathe is between 7 to 9am, for 30 minutes maximum. But given that your level is so low, I will prescribe you a 5000iu vitamin D3 supplement that you need to consume daily. It cannot solve your problem overnight, in fact, it will take three months at a minimum for you to start seeing progress. But I am sure you will feel a lot better once your level is up. So, let's meet again 3 months from now and let's see how the progress will be.

I feel like what he has been explaining makes more sense to me than what other specialists had told me.

Again, I did plenty of Google Research to find out what Vitamin D deficiency is, what are the symptoms, and what are the treatments. I suddenly felt pretty relieved as I seemed to finally get an answer.

I have been consuming vitamin D for a week now, combining it with 5 to 15 minutes sunbathing. I have not yet been able to say that it works (as its too soon to tell) but I do feel progress, which is a significantly reduced shoulder and neck pain. 

I am going to update you with my progress three months from now.

So, see you then!

#vitaminddeficiency #vitamind #healthy #health #healthlylifestyle

[dailyaudiobible]

8/14/2017 DAB Transcript

Nehemiah 7:73b-9:21; 1 Corinthians 9:1-18; Psalms 33:12-22; Proverbs 21:11-1

Today is the 14th day of August. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It is great to be here with you today as we continue forward through the book of Nehemiah and First Corinthians. So, let’s dive in. We’re reading from the Holman Christian Standard bible this week. Nehemiah chapter 7 verse 73 through 9 verse 21.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for your word. And as we carry on into this week we invite Your word to continue to speak to us each and every day. But even things that You are showing us along the way, may they be sewn into our lives, yielding fruit that is transformative, that continues to recreate us in the image of our savior, Jesus. Come, Holy Spirit, we pray in Your precious name. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website. It’s home base. It’s where you find out what's going on around here. So, be sure to check it out and find out what's going on around here. Check out the resources in the shop. Check out the prayer wall.

If you have Sneezing Jesus, if you have the book, Sneezing Jesus, and you’ve been through it and haven’t had a chance to leave a review wherever you got it, and you're willing to consider that planting of a seed to those who will come into contact with it later, then one more call out for that. Thank you. And if you haven't had chance to check into that yet, we talked about it for…I mean…I wish I could continue to talk about it as I was when we were going through Acts and Romans because the thing is, it's all throughout the bible and I want to keep us facing outward. We have to face outward into the world because of the only way to become Christ-like, which is really the essence of this book - what does that mean, what would that look like or that be if it weren't a metaphor, what did Jesus do with his humanity, and what does that mean to our humanity. If you haven't had the chance to read or listen to that work yet, certainly, certainly invite you to check into that. I fully believe that it will be transformative for you. So, you can Sneezing Jesus wherever you can get books or audio books.

And if you haven’t had a chance to be in the Sneezing Jesus discussion group, that’s at facebook.com/groups/sneezingjesus. There’s a fantastic group of friends there that have shared some incredible stories, just kind of going through and reading all that is really encouraging. And being a part of discussion is really encouraging.

The other thing is that we’ll be taking Sneezing Jesus on the road this autumn and into the new year. And if you’d like to see that come to your city, go to sneezingjesus.com, scroll down to the bottom and there’s a little form there. And just fill that out and we’ll see if that can happen.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There's a link on the homepage. Thank you profoundly, profoundly, and humbly for your partnership as we move through the summer time. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the More button in the lower right hand corner or if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill TN 37174.

And of course, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayers and Praise Reports:

Hi Daily Audio Bible. I’ve been…this is my first time calling. My name is Valerie and I live in Michigan. And I've been listening for such a long time and I am so glassed by everyone that calls in to pray for different people. And I have a prayer request. It’s for my father. He's in hospice now and his name is Joe. And he just turned 88. And I lost my mother about seven months ago. And it’s really difficult for me to go through this again. So, it's kind of like the same thing all over again and I'm having a really hard time. And I just want everyone that can hear this message right now to please pray for my father. He was a very strong willed man his whole life and he chose to do things his own way. And now to see him in such a vulnerable state, it’s very difficult. And I know that God in His great, great mercy understands my father and his life. And I know my mom is waiting for him. So, please pray. And Blind Tony…I love, love, love your gift. It blesses so much and there are just so many people that bless me. I can’t even remember their names now. But please pray for the gift of a happy death for my father Joe. Thank you. In Jesus’ name. And thank you for everyone for blessing me so much. Bye.

Hello Daily Audio Bible Family. This is Jay from New Jersey. Just wanted to ask for some prayer for this little cold that I am dealing with right now. Hopefully you can understand what I’m saying. And also, today is day number ten of fasting and praying for those who are dealing with depression and anxiety. Heavenly Father, gracious Lord, our savior, Jesus Christ, we come to You this morning with our own issues and our own problems but we take just a moment to focus on those who are struggling, who are being oppressed and attacked and overwhelmed and held captive by anxiety and depression. God, I pray for godly doctors, I pray for godly psychiatrists, I pray for Spirit filled councilors, I pray for God fearing friends, I pray for Jesus’ loving family members that can surround these people with Your love, with Your wisdom, with Your guidance, with Your strength, with Your encouragement. God, I pray now in the name of Jesus Christ that you will encourage each and every person within the sound of my voice that is dealing with this debilitating depression to open up the word, to tap on that DAB app, to open up that bible app, and search out Your joy, to search out Your peace, to search out Your strength, which can overcome, which has overcome, which it already has the victory over all of these things. In the name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen.  

Hi DAB. My name is Mary C. and I’m from Georgia. I'm 16 and on October 5th it will be 2 years since I’ve been sick with a heart condition. I also, a year ago, passed out and badly hit my head and I now have convulsions that lately have been getting more severe. So, I just wanted to call to ask for prayer for my healing in the hope that I will be healed and that I will be able to go back to school. I have, sadly, lost contact with my friends and even if I did have friends I don't have the energy right now to be able to hang out. Also, we are trying to…me and my mom…are trying to move to Alabama where we have family. And hopefully then I will be getting better. And also, I have another thing to ask for prayers – it’s for us to find a home. I really want a home that I can be happy to move to. So, that would be very nice. I also ask for prayers because my sister Elizabeth is not with the Lord right now. And I ask that you all pray that she will hopefully come back because it’s very saddening and it scares me sometimes and I pray for her a lot. I hope all of you have a fantastic week. Thank you.

Hey DAB family this is Byron out in Florida. I just wanted to give a quick praise report. I was getting ready for work this morning and my son was sitting at the breakfast table eating and I was packing up my bag and stuff and I noticed that this old bible gospel track in my bag. It was old and wrinkled and I’d never handed it out to anybody. And…ah…I just had this thought…just…give it to him. So, I gave it to him and said hey, read this. And, so, I left and I continued to get ready for work in another room and stuff like that and then a few mins later I came out and just said, hey…did you read it. And he’s like, ya, I read it and it helped a lot. I was like, really, it helped a lot. And he was like ya, it helped me feel more comfortable about heaven, whenever I have doubts, he said. You know, and that’s something that my son has struggled with. He knows the Lord but…ya know…his own sins just overwhelm him sometimes. And this bible track that I just handed to him at random was a great encouragement to his Spirit about the love of God and standing with Christ. And that…I had not that intention at all…to give it to him. I just thought to give it to him. So, I just wanted to thank God for His faithfulness and for His grace and for His mercy and for His love and how He Keeps us and how He user all manner of things to guide us and encourage us. I just want to give a shout of praise to my God for His love and for His glory that He dares to share with us. He is so faithful, so righteous, and so loving. He loves us so much…that just…that little token…it just overwhelms my heart…it just really does...and how He cares for us. And these are the smallest things that we just don’t even think about. He does such great things. He’s just so worthy of out praise. I just wanted to give a shout out to my God. I love You God and I’ll talk to you later.

[eropoet-blog1]

Story i Wrote

Friend or Foe

by Sun Poet

I sit on my front porch, remembering what I had done yesterday.

"Fun." I said to myself, head down, trying to be ignored by the very chill of the dark night air. I was ill prepared for what I had done, and the guilt was overwhelming, but thinking back, it was worth it. I lit a cigarette and went over yesterdays events, from start to finish.

------------flash back two days earlier-------------------------

The house phone started ringing, like it does every hour on the dot.

"Only if my stupid father could keep his pants up for five minutes, maybe I could get some fucking sleep." I said to myself, answering the phone.

"Sorry he's not available! He's screwing one of his bitches!" I shouted into the phone ready to slam it done on the receiver.

"Wait Sun! Don't hang up, it's me!" said the rather obvious female voice.

"Melanie? That's funny you never call my house phone." I said chuckling and relieved it wasn't some whore.

"What! Is it a problem I'm calling?!" She responded angrily. "You think I'm one of your fathers play things?"

"No, of course not. You usually text me or hit me up on the web." I responded hoping for a better response.

"I'm just kidding." She replied laughing. "Hey, could you come see me tomorrow morning? I need to talk to you about last week.." she finished.

"Of course I can, love." I said, acting all devilish.

"Thank you. Well I'll talk to you then! Goodbye!" she said.

"Love you too!" I added just as she was hanging up the phone. It's only been a week since me and her had sex in that abandoned warehouse. It's been on my mind every second of the day, filling me with anxiety, dread, and a constant question "Will we ever be the same again?"

The next day came slow as a drunken man climbing stairs. I was struck with dread at the thought of what was in store for me. What was she going to say? Will our fifteen years of friendship go up in smoke? Will she give herself to me forever as my girl? Will she do something far better or worse? Whatever the case, I still must go on and see what she has to say. I walked up to her front door and gave it three hard knocks. I waited for at least two minutes, but no one answered the door.

"Did she seriously just call me over to stand me up, when she knows how fucking down I've been?" I said to myself. As I was reaching out my hand to give it another hard knock, the door swung open. There stood the girl I had recently slept with, my best and only friend, Melanie. She looked like she had done a complete 180 degree transformation. Her sexy golden skin had gone pale as snow, her beautiful smile had turned into a faint grin of pain and depression.

"Melanie, are you okay?" I said, very worried.

"I'm just fine. Please come in, we have to talk." she replied very eagerly. I was very afraid to step foot into her house, even though I've been in it a thousand times, just seeing how she's become made me feel like this was a stranger's house, without triple guessing myself I walked inside of her house, which was as cold and dark as her new appearance.

We went into her living room, the only room where I could visibly see light in. We sat next to each other on her comfy pink sofa, which seemed hard and dull in this dismal atmosphere.

"Sun, what you did to me last week, was unforgivable." she said with the most serious expression I had ever seen. "It was horrible, and disgusting. I could never forgive anyone who would do something like that to me." hearing these words broke my world apart. My vision went black, my heart started aching like it had been stabbed by red hot blade. I was on the verge of fainting when she continued.

"..but, I forgive you." Those words took a quadrillion megatons of TNT off of my chest, for I was certain I was about to have a very real heart attack.

"...and Sun. I really do love you, and I want us to be together." what she said, broke my slump instantly.

"Melanie, I love you too baby." I said, smiling wide. Without thinking, I put my arms around her and again, jammed my tongue into her mouth. Our tongues rolled around each other's, dancing as we became wrapped together in our true feelings. Her cold skin began to regain its warm feeling, as I held her. She was coming back to me very quickly. I placed my right hand onto her breasts, and slowly began fondling and squeezing them. Soft moans started appearing from her mouth as we kissed, saliva now dripping from both our mouths. I moved my hand up and began unbuttoning her blouse, exposing both of her gorgeous breasts, they were just as beautiful as the last time I saw them, soft and squishy, c-cups with her nipples erect. I pinched both of her nipples as our make out session continued, each action causing her face to cringe up slightly as she tried her best to hold back her powerful moans. Having had enough of kissing her, I went straight in for her breasts, placing my mouth onto her right breast, sucking her nipple. Her resistance was very good this time, she was holding back her moaning through quiet grunts and groans.

"Baby, that feels so good!" She said as quietly as she could, giving out slight moans.

"Your such a nympho." I said moving my hand down to her legs, rubbing her thighs. She gave out a loud gasp, as I made contact with her skin.

"Touch me there more! Oh my god you're getting me so wet!" she whispered letting out grunts. "It's driving me crazy!". I pulled her skirt down with one hand, face pressed to her breasts, suckling away, and started gently stroking her love button softly, gently rolling my finger around it. This action left her no longer able to resist, she screamed from the shock of my hand touching her sensitive bit. Her panties became soaked with each passing second, she obviously wanted me.. but the fun was only beginning. I bit her erect nipple very hard, causing her to shriek loudly.

"Honey, that's it! Take me!" She screamed as I bit deep into the flesh of her breast, causing it to turn purple from the force of the bite. With a powerdul tug, I ripped off her panties, exposing her drenched pussy to the gloomy air, causing it to heat up with her arousal. I was not going to be going easy on her like last time. I forcefully shoved two fingers into her with the speed and power of a grizzly bears striking claws, causing her to jump back a bit from the shock off the forced entry.

"Ugh, baby not so hard!" She complained as my hand viciously rammed into her pussy. Each time it went inside of her, fluid rushed out like a sprinkler. I grabbed her by her throat and threw her to the couch, squeezing her breasts and continuing my brutal fingering of her love hole. Her face turned red as she panted and screamed from my brutal beating, she was so humiliated and helpless, it really got me going!

"Now, now my darling. Are you ready for me?" I asked.

"Oh yes baby, fuck the shit out of me! Please! I can't take it anymore!" She pleaded. Removing my pants, I shoved my rock-hard dick deep into her pleasure porthole. The impact was so severe, it cut her breathe short, followed by a loud scream and beg for mercy.

"Baby stop! I can't handle this!" She pleaded, though her pussy was overflowing with warm juices. I have no intention of listening to her pleas. Over and over my body collided with hers, causing her juices to spill out all over the couch.

"Sun! This is too much, please!" she started crying as my cock slammed into her tight pussy. Her tears made me more excited, causing me to jump into action even more. With my right hand I demonstrated my power by grabbing and squeezing her left breast until it turned purple, she screamed and begged me to stop, but I ignored her. I sunk my teeth deep into her neck like a vampire, almost causing blood to poor from the deep penetration, all while giving her pussy a ruthless beating.

"Please! Stop! I can't take this." She screamed with tears rushing from her eyes. Tired of her complaining I slapped her across the face, she immediately fell silent. Her face had this look of pure horror, as I continued pounding her into submission, only small gasps flowing from her mouth.

"It's about time you finally shut up, my dear." I said continuing my assault. Her head turned to the side, and all struggling stopped, I continued to nearly rip chunks of flesh from her neck and breasts with each powerful bite. Her face now going blank, she was clearly in a state of pure agony, with each collision of our bodies she looked more and more lifeless.. So I decided to wake her up a little. I grabbed her by the throat and squeezed hard, she started groaning again and faintly struggling, a look of beseech thrown across her face. The very look on her face sent me into a rush, the very tip of my penis felt like it was in lava! Each stroke made me grunt and groan as the pleasure increased, her vaginal walls pulsing lead me closer to orgasm.

“Please…. Stop… I … I…” She uttered with nearly no audio. That broke the damn on my testicles. My cum came pouring out in a surge of white fluid, like a fire hose of blank color. My dick swelled up like a pufferfish before launching the massive blast of sperm deep into her pussy. She screamed like a virgin, as it filled her to the brim, and overflowed.

“Baby, that was amazing!” she said happily. “I love being treated like a lowly piece of trash whore.”

--------The end-----------------

[tlaloc4kids]

Mental Health: Why It’s Important to Get Help (Opinion)

TL;DR - if you have depression and/or anxiety, or think you might, you absolutely DESERVE to get the help you need.

If you click ‘Keep Reading’ you can read about my current experience, but it’s long-winded. But please, talk to a medical professional and find someone who will help you.

Love you (platonically).

(Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical professional)

I was diagnosed with depression over ten years ago.

For the longest time, as in from age 7 when I begged my older brother to kill me until I was 22 and a former roommate said ‘yeah that’s depression’, I believed I was just bad at handling my emotions. I figured I was just too sensitive and had to get over it. Turns out there is a difference. If this already sounds like you, please get the help you need, you are not alone. I understand how you feel.

I started seeing a counselor. She wasn’t a great fit. It was very expensive ($55 a session) and we tended to tear open some nasty emotional wounds right before the time was up, thus leading to several days of solo mental recovery. I stopped seeing her. You deserve to find a counselor/therapist who will listen to you and is affordable. Ask your primary care provider what your options are.

I was prescribed an anti-depressant (I can’t remember if it was cetalopram or celexa?) and started taking it every day. It leveled things off for me. I was able to go through my day without really harmful thoughts for the most part. The spirals had stopped. But after a year the effect wore off, my body had gotten used to it, I started to feel sadness and despondency but I could not react to them properly which, thankfully, I realized was not how I was supposed to feel. Stupidly I went off them cold-turkey (my doctor at the time wasn’t helpful so I was avoiding her). Do NOT go off your meds cold-turkey - these types of medicines have very uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms (my least favorite being the electrical pulses).

I spent a long time being depressed again. At some point I made some self discoveries that helped to alleviate it. There were probably 2 months of my best life before suddenly I started having chest pains, breathing difficulty, and panic attacks at random. An online friend, talking me through one of my attacks, said ‘yeah that’s anxiety’. My less-than-helpful doctor diagnosed me with anxiety disorder soon after. She prescribed me the same anti-depressant but I didn’t take it because all I could remember was the withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes a mental illness can have layers that need to be addressed and that’s okay.

Some more time passed and it became 2018 and I was tired to being a mess at work, being a mess at home, scaring myself with my thoughts, and, yes I will admit here, harming myself. I decided to find a new doctor closer to home and in-network of my insurance. I found a great person. I found someone who listened to me. Find yourself a doctor who will listen and if you have any hesitation, get a new one - it’s your money AND YOUR LIFE.

I was prescribed an anti-anxiety medication, an SSRI. It took a while to level out - I had 3 solid days of mania at the start, I still get light headaches, my appetite fluctuates, and, of course, I still get bad days. But people at work have even commented that I am doing better, and I feel it, too. The bad days are less bad, the good days feel more natural, and the medication feels like there’s someone there to go ‘hey that’s the depression talking, let’s get through it’. Medication is not your enemy. Do not let societal stigma and shame about medication get between you and where you could be mentally. You CAN feel better, I promise.

By some miracle the medical center that I started going to offered 20 free sessions of counseling via a program with the state. My doctor recommended that I talk to someone while doing medication and I agreed, but this time I made a plan of action. I decided I wasn’t going to sit there and be sad about past things - I have been doing that every day of my god damn life - I wanted to set up an action plan. Now that I have a chemical in my body making it easier to be a human I need to figure out how to work through things. How can I stop being so negative? How do I overcome depressive episodes if I catch myself spiraling? How can I get my life back to normal? Make an action plan with your counselor about how to make yourself strong - you have your whole future ahead of you and you deserve to run into it like an anime character in a title intro scene (toast and everything).

If you got this far, thanks for reading all of that. I hope maybe some of it was helpful to someone.

I made this post because I saw someone posting about how harmful it can be to push people away from medication. Look, no one’s going to stop you from enjoying tea or massages or meditation - do those things if they make you happy, please!

But medication is not your enemy.

Are there problems with ‘big pharma’? Yes. Is capitalism keeping people from living their best lives? Yes. Is it possible someone reading this knows they need help and wants help but can’t afford it or are in a place where they can’t get it? Yes, and I am so sorry, but please keep going.

I wanted to put this all here because if someone has asked you ‘who has medication really helped?’ I want to stand up and say ‘me’.

My medication has got me back to doing the things I love, forgiving myself for my shortcomings, making plans on how to get back on track, and, for once, got me looking forward to living my life.

Medication has helped me.

And it can help you, too.

Thank you for reading.

[turtlechicky]

Just something I need to rant about.

I have a very hard time trusting women and that’s thanks to my childhood. It’s not something I’m going to air out. A friend believes I may have ptsd thanks to my mom and growing up with her untreated ptsd. So where people call me fake is me just avoiding topics and not willing to talk about shit.

The friend who I could talk to about most things began to stop messaging me, when I’d message her she would only reply to me 3-5 times before going silent. It usually took an hour between the messages. Like I get it you have depression and a lot of health issues.. but all I was good for was being used. I stopped trying to start conversations and we went so long without talking. She got several tattoos in that time period but never had time to say hi to me. She kinda tried so I accepted and invited her to my apartment for a week because it seemed to be better. We had some heart to heart talks and it was okay for a few days and then it was apparent that I was more of a convenience then a friend. She never helped clean, she smoked my weed WHILE I WAS ASLEEP and ate so much of our food only to purge it all in my bathroom. I understand it’s an eating disorder and I understand she has a ton of problems that make coping really hard. But to tell me “I’m bigger than you now” in complete disgust and change the conversation when I tried to talk to you because I need to talk to someone. You slept while I was awake and you stayed up when I went to bed, no matter what I did it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me just wanted to spend the week in my home. You left and changed your name and didn’t even try to talk to me for over a month. I gave up trying to talk to you, you showed me last year after everything that I wasn’t that important. “Best friend” because I was easy to use. I was honest with what I was feeling and thinking and you immediately turned it around as if I’m the one to blame for everything, that I’m the one with problems, that I’m a fake person because I couldn’t handle only being your “best friend” when I was useful to you. You actually tried to turn my friend against me and mocked your boyfriend for having an anxiety attack because you slept with your boss. I’m not the one who talks about slitting my wrists and playing with the cuts and drawing with the blood. When ever I wore pink or purple you went out of your way to tell me how much you hate the colours. You have gone out of your way to ignore me, even though I needed my “best friend”, but I’m the bad person because I didn’t have the energy for mind games and fake friends anymore. Not to forget whatever bullshit you are filling the exroommates head with because I compared the two of you and she went crazy.

Now the exroommate... she’s bipolar, but a more severe kind. She needed help and we needed a roommate. She was living with black mold in a horrible building with some fucked up people. She lived two doors down from a cocky dealer who brings all kind of issues (cough swat cough) and just crappy people in general. So we wanted to help her because she was an old friend of mine. Ditched the town we went to school at and stopped talking to me for a few years. Whatever didn’t matter. But she was obsessive over her cat. Told me I couldn’t call him nosey nibs because she didn’t like it, but her other friends can call him dickface and other insulting names and she loved calling him stupid. But nosey nibs was bad. I need help cleaning and do things because I’m crippled with health problems, that was the other reason she was brought in. Not just money but because she can clean. But nope! I did the cleaning, I did the work that needed to be done and was told to relax every time I complained. During her fits of anger I was the verbal punching bag or I watched the poor cat have to deal with her. She is beyond entitled, bf had a friend over for d&d and the friend said that everyone gets pizza. The boys got back from picking it up and she walked out and demanded to know where her pizza was because he said everyone gets one. When bf took me out for dinner or a date she would whine that she wanted some or that she was never taken out on a date. She would obsess over different topics and would go on and on about the same things that make her angry. Or when she was angry she always had to declare it as she treated anything and anyone like crap. Told me how she destroyed a bunch of her ex’s cloths and other stuff because he was a junkie player who only wanted easy pussy. Her dumbass got back with him and was specifically told he is not allowed here period. He’s a heavy drug user and we don’t want that here, she gave him the address and fucking had him pick her up at the patio. She decides to spend 2 weeks with him and left the cat in our care, without telling us and freaks out saying we need to replace the cat poop scoop because my bf broke it taking care of her stupid animal. She’s not allowed there anymore and starts asking to bring him here, which was met with a firm no. Which she did nothing but bitch and moan about how it’s not fair she can’t see him. He goes on vacation and starts to distance himself before she says wtf and blocks her after saying he doesn’t want to be with her. She actually harassed him hardcore when they broke up, walls of texts of her just not stopping and then none stop calling so she can scream at him.

She’s a hood rat, a grossly petty, genuine shit human all the way through. She trashed my home, believed we should just feed her and give her food when she didn’t have any left. Not my problem you don’t know how to spend the money the government gives you every month, not my problem that you end up hungry for a week or two due to your own stupidity. She sends a text that literally sounds like she was going to leave in a few weeks and then freaks out because we were confused over what she sent. She throws a temper tantrum and says “I’ll move out of there’s going to be issues” when she started the whole issue to begin with. I text her asking her not to burn white sage EVERYDAY (it was a week straight) because when I would get up to use the restroom all I could smell is burnt sage and it makes me feel ill. But that was immediately met with “I don’t burn it while your awake. Whatever I’ll just throw it out.” I tried to explain but she wouldn’t listen and I think she may have thrown it out in the end. I decided to have a nap on the couch and instead of leaving me alone she pestered me until I sat up and listened to the stupid shit I don’t care about that she HAS to tell me. She wouldn’t let me sleep and brought a friend over and laughed at me when I napped during a boring movie. But you know I leave her alone to nap but god forbid I receive that courtesy. I once again try and explain how rude it is to wake me up when I’m sleeping because you need to tell me about what some stupid person said and like clock work she freaks out and says she feels tense angry energy in the apartment because she’s an “empath” and I’m a literal fucking duck, quack. If she was an empath she was a shit one because every time she asked me if I was angry it was nothing more than a depressed state for the day. Yet my emotions how I felt never mattered, if I was upset that must mean I’m angry but even if I yelled she did nothing because “your always so calm and leave headed” and “you didn’t yell you never do” even though I did, I fucking ran and took a bath to calm down to make it a level conversion after I had yelled. She decided to “help” a “friend” (she had known him for maybe a week) and jumped head first into a drug deal and brought the crazy fucker to the apartment. She had only met him once. I was told to lock my windows and doors and be super quiet for the night. She was FUCKING WHITE GIRL WASTED and begged me not to tell my boyfriend. Decided she wanted to kill herself when I told her I had to tell him. Like hell im not going to tell him she may have put his life on the line. Then she wanted to tell my bf what happened after she “calmed down”. She had wanted him to come to her but he refused, he works nights. She knocked on our door FUCKING LIGHTLY until we got up and she barely told him anything, I told him more. She fucking lied to me about what happened 3 times and then tried to turn my bf against me saying I was being emotional. She decided to hop out for a few days, right after they “talked”, changed her number and got a new phone. But she wouldn’t stop texting me. I said I need a few days and she sent me 16 messages in 2 days. 2 on fb and the rest through text. The one she sent right before I went out to tell her we wanted her to move out was manipulation.

(I’m tech stupid so you get copy and paste of the text)

“I get your angry. I really do.

You need to try to understand that vodka makes me freak out I hate the stuff and I over reacted

Please try to ubderatdn it had NOTHING to do with me and nothing to do with you two.

I can continue to stay out of the apartment for how ever long you need. But I might have a job at a pet store that my friend works at and I need this job and I just need a plAce to stay. I would be angry too if the roles were reversed and if you really are my friend you are going to ubderatdn I made a mistake

I admit it And I am learning from it

Please don't send me on the street over almost nothing”

I finally broke and was straight to the point. I gave her until the 16th to get out and when she started to argue with me I threw the text she sent me in her face calling her the name of the other friend. She lost it and stole my ear muffs, a 10cent mug, a small bag of crystals and marbles I liked, and she decided that she was only going to pay 200 of the 490 she owed for rent. She insulted me endlessly and was gross, she kept throwing trash around the apartment more so after I kicked her out. Every time she came to pick up stuff she tried to get me to fight with her and scream back. But I never did, I got the landlord involved and wasn’t here alone when she came here. I made sure she couldn’t do more damage than what she did. And all the while texting my boyfriend telling him how bad of a person I am and that I was stupid for kicking her out over “almost nothing”. She tried to manipulate him and claims I over reacted and he should have said something.

Maybe I did. But I stand by my choice. Why would I want someone who claims to be my friend and treats me like trash? We said weed and muchrooms are the only recreational drugs aloud period. No if ands or buts about it. What happened changed every time she told me what happened. I’ve watched the way the heavy ones warp people and I want absolutely nothing to do with them. I watched the way blow warped a few people and I’ve watched what meth does to people. I know too many drug abusers and seen how they treat the people they love. So sorry if a very personal thing of mine was too hard to understand. But this “one mistake” wasn’t one, it was going to be another and another because that’s who she is. I ducked out of a relationship that was going to be abusive before it got there, why would I make an acception for you? I was dating the guy and found out he was crazy and cut it off before it went south, turns out he was a junkie. Something his cousin left out when she said we should get together. Bitch was supposed to be my best friend.

I have my problems but being toxic isn’t one of them. Just because I refuse to be bullied by people who use their disorders as an excuse to treat others like crap, doesn’t mean I should stay away from anyone with a mental illness, in fact many of my friends with mental illnesses have stated how much I help them. I’m not a toy or a puppet, I am human and your manipulative ghetto ass isn’t worth my time or energy. I refuse to be friends with someone who torments the cat until it paws at her and chases her in anger or will tease him with his favourite treat tuna and then never give him any after she makes him beg for it. I’m also not followed around Walmart for stealing or beg the neighbours to take me to a food bank because weed was more important than food. Or brag about stealing cough drops.

I have my flaws. I’m too forgiving, I can be very cold and cruel sometimes, I’m blunt and picky about how clean my apartment is. I’m not always good at talking about what bothers me and sometimes I clam up and hold onto it until I crack. I can be very cruel when I’ve been screwed over and my anger scares people. But I’m not fake, I am me and I’m not going to change or be manipulated by some bitter cunt who ignored me for the day when I told her of a complement I got and was confused by. Anytime I brought up how I thought people’s comments and stares were odd she’s always say the same thing “well you do walk around with braces on both legs and you dress how you want. I don’t understand why your confused or surprised.” But she just about lost it when I was cat called and didnt give a shit and then bragged about “cat calling men like they do to us.” I don’t hold grudges and sometimes I really question if it’s a good thing or not. I tried to help an old friend and she dug her grave. I will not be sorry for how I feel or what I said. Why is it okay to push me to a breaking point but god forbid I say anything apparently it makes me a hypocrite and immature?

#i’m so tired #long post #personal rant #i feel like crying #i can’t do anything right

[tkmoon2]

Loneliness living abroad

I’ve been living alone abroad for around 13 months now. For the most part, it’s been a very good experience. However, there have been times when I’ve felt so lonely and isolated. I have a few good friends but they’re either busy or live very far away. Nearby, the people I know, I’d describe just as people I know or acquaintances. I was okay with it for a while but for the lat few months. Maybe since last December, that’s when it’s been really hitting me. 

Around Christmas and New years is when I experienced my lowest point since coming to Korea. At that time, a couple of my “friends” had I guess, cut me off. Which I am not sure why. Generally, I try to be really kind and polite to my friends. I’ve experienced it quite a lot of times. I’m pretty much at the point where I don’t have expectations when I meet a new friend. Even if someone makes a promise to me, I can’t really trust it. It always seems to be the same. Typing this up, it sounds so cliche but it’s just how I’ve come to feel. This isn’t only because I’m living abroad. It’s natural to be lonely after moving abroad by yourself but I’ve felt like this for years. 

Also around that time, something triggered my anxiety. I used to have really bad social anxiety but now I am okay for the most part but I can’t handle situations where people are like arguing with me. I generally avoid arguing and if someone tries to argue, I usually try to de-escalate it. So what happened was, I was downtown doing something by myself one night and I was about to go home when one of my recent friends called me out to meet her and another friend in the karaoke room. So I went and told them I can only stay for like 10 minutes. When I got there, she was drinking what I think was just beer but she seemed quite affected by it. She randomly starts talking about her Chinese neighbours and how she hates Chinese and Indian people but kept assuring us that she isn’t racist. I kept telling her that she probably is. Then the next thing. She knows that I’m a Christian and a pretty devoted one at that. She suddenly out of no where asked me “Do you believe in God?” to which I answered, “yes.” Then she started saying a whole bunch of stuff like “If God exists then why are there people starving in Africa.” Anytime I try to even get a few words in, she’s already yelling rebuttals over me. I was starting to feel an anxiety attack happening at this point and I couldn’t speak very loudly and the room was very loud to begin with. Then she grabs the other friend and asks him “Do you believe in God?” and he replies with “No.” So she then started turning him against me too. So we are in this small room with two of them against me and her constantly screaming things at me against my beliefs which I never wanted in the first place. I never brought it up and I surely never pushed it on either of them. That was the breaking point, my breathing became very heavy and I had to get out of there so I just walked out and then as I was walking out she starts apologizing and trying to get me to stay but I ignored her and just went straight home. She called me while I was on the way home and apologized and tried to say she was just joking. Like when you say rude things to your friends and you both just laugh about it but I told her that we don’t know each other that well and what she did to me is not something that friends do to each other. I went home and cried for a little while and then skype called my friend until I felt better and then just went to sleep. 

During this time, I started to see my reality which made me feel worse. I was always just accepting of everything but at this time, I really needed to talk to someone and when I need someone, no one was there. I messaged people who I thought were my good friends but they didn’t respond and didn’t even contact me until over a month after that. Then after contacting me that one time, he seems to be ignoring me again until now. He was the person I felt so close to. Like a brother and suddenly he started ignoring me. I thought he was angry at me but I don’t know what I did to him so I tried calling him which didn’t work so I send him an apology text which he read and never replied to. It’s really hard for me to just let go of this because I felt like we were so close and he just suddenly started doing this with no explanation. This is one thing that is still really affecting me these days. I’ve already realized that I need to move on from him and realize that we aren’t friends anymore but it’s so hard for me to do that. 

There always seems to be ups and downs. Which is also natural but recently it seems like it’s getting worse and I probably need to do something about it. There are some times when I feel content and I just do my regular routine and then times when I feel so down and just stay at home and don’t do anything for several days. Recently, I am at the point where I need to distract myself in some way or I’ll end up internally depressed. I’ve been at a much worse state when I was in high school and I dealt with that a few years ago so at least now I have more of a mind to deal with my problems and don’t do anything that could make my problems worse. I am thankful for that. 

I am feeling so conflicted these days. There are things I know I should do to help me but then at the same time, I really either don’t want to do it or feel a bit scared to do it. When I go to the gym, I usually start off okay but then after a while, some negative thoughts come in and then I start feeling lethargic and not able to put a lot of energy into the workout anymore. It’s the same with a lot of things unless I really distract my mind. I have been playing a lot of games these days which in some sense, it’s a good distracted but at the same time, I am seeing it as a problem. I am using it as a form of escapism which could really turn into an addiction which I really don’t want. 

It’s really not easy living abroad alone. I am dealing with this really difficult circumstance but I will just keep being strong until I can overcome it. I just know that I can’t do it alone. Until then, I gotta keep making sure to make decent decisions that would only benefit me. 

This ended up being way longer than I intended but it’s nice to get it off of my chest somewhere. If anyone actually reads this whole thing, thank you for taking the time. 

#Korea #South Korea #friends #depression #depressed #difficult #alone #lonely #lonliness #It feels difficult #but I do believe that I will overcome this #I will hold on

[livingmyauthentictruth]

Living my authentic truth

Hey Guys

My name is varria. I am forty-something years old.  Having been married with three children for over fourteen years, my life took an unexpected turn for the worse three years ago. I found myself divorced and single and having to start my life all over again. One of the precipitating factors to my demise was the death of my father. He suffered a stroke and later passed away. I was deeply affected by the loss of my father because he was the only parent I had. My father was a single dad who raised five exceptional children.

My mother passed away when I was 7 years old. The circumstances surrounding her death was unclear however, the coroners ruled that my mother’s death was caused by suicide. My mother was found in her hospital bed with her throat slit with a surgical blade. After the death of my mother my father became my rock, my motivator and when he died this shattered my world.  The tragic loss of my dad plunged me into a deep depression and subsequently I began to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. During this period in my life, I felt hopeless and began to experience suicidal thoughts. Thoughts told me that my mother committed suicide and it was not a big deal if I took my own life too. Depression subjects its victims to the worst emotional state of mind forcing them to live with a sense of hopelessness.  

My struggle with depression and anxiety adversely affected the lives of those close to me. My husband at the time was kind and honest enough to inform me that he could not help me with my psychological problems. Through a series of event, my husband decided it was too much to bear so he started divorce proceedings. I tried to reconcile with my husband but he was determined that he was not going to change his mind. He said he wanted a clean break from me. In this, he was going to take our children, our home and leave me with nothing. This event further crushed my spirit and at the time I felt that I had nothing to live for. I guess the pressure of going through the divorce took its toll on me. One day in the depth of despair, I decided I was going to end it all because my life had become unbearable and I knew no one could help me.  I asked God to help and forgive me that my life had come to this. That same day a friend whom I had not very long met invited me out. I initially declined but I later decided that I would go out and meet him at least he would be the last friendly face I see before I ended it all. I literally had to drag myself out of bed to get myself ready to meet him. He could see the terror and despair in my eyes and offered to help me. The truth is he was kind to me when the people close to me had given up on me.

I regrettably began a relationship with this person soon after because I felt like I needed to thank him for coming into my life when I had no one. Rightly or wrongly this seemed like a good idea at the time but if I am completely honest this brief relationship helped me to get back on my feet again. I ended the relationship as soon as I had the realisation that it was not what I wanted. I knew my life felt empty and void and I wanted God in my life.  I became convinced that only God could rescue me from myself and began to ask God to help me to heal me from the depression.  During this period of seeking God, it was revealed to me that God had delivered and broken the spirit of suicide over my family. I believe that God had positioned me for such a time to bridge the gap and bring my family out of the spirit of self-destruction.  The scripture says that God will never give you more than you can bear He always finds a way out. Once I had made peace with God I began to regain my strength and decided to see my GP. My GP recommended me for access to Psychological Therapy, which I attended for 12 months and it helped me a great deal.

As the months went by, my divorce proceedings intensified,  my ex took me to court to take our kids and our home away from me because he claimed I had a mental illness. God helped me to get my 3 children and my home back through the same courts. In that time I experienced God’s amazing love and forgiveness as I began to serve in God’s house. The Scriptures said, what people meant for evil, God is able to use it for good. I have made peace with my ex and have completely forgiven him for everything. We both have shared custody of our children and they too are doing exceptionally well.

Today I am free to live my truth and be my authentic self without apologies. I do this everyday through something I called Holy-stic wellbeing and fitness. Holy-stic wellbeing fitness encompasses, holy living through Christ, looking after your mind, body and spirit in a holistic and purposeful way.

Many people have seen my social media posts but they do not know the context or the story of my journey. In the beginning, I was ashamed of what had happened to me because I did not want people to judge me. I can confidently say that mental ill health is not a death sentence and no one should have to struggle alone. I  want to fight against the stigma and discrimination around mental health. I am a living proof that people can recovery from mental health problems if they are supported or better still if they have a faith.

I began my Holy-stic journey of fitness and wellbeing two years ago after being in a low emotional state of mind. During this time I had to relearn a few new habits such as changing what I chose to put into my body and undertaking a fitness regime that suits my lifestyle.  I had to make several changes to my life: I did a lot of research into food and nutrition and its impact on mood and joined the gym. I also got a family pet dog for companionship and I undertook a postgraduate course to train as a Psychiatric Nurse. I now work in mental health, as a registered Nurse and life is good.

What I learned from my experience is that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Armed with this knowledge I stopped apologising and arguing for my shortcoming instead I have learned to give notification to my future to live an abundant life. I began to make declarations over my life that serves me.  

I want women to realise that they too can experience this transformational and dynamic life if they learn to believe in themselves. God's grace and power is able to save and heal the broken and strengthen the weak. Through my experience, God has provided me with a platform to speak to women from all walks of life through public speaking.

My goal is to help women who struggle with poor body image, lack of self-confidence, a low emotional state of mind, and those who do not know their purpose in life. I want to help them to affirm their truths and stay strong in their pursuit of their life purpose. My message to those women is;  it does not matter what life throws at you, you can still rise again. I believe that its is not what happens to you in life that determines your future but your response to what happen to you is crucial. You can live the life of your dreams if you don't give up and put your trust in God. There is still hope for your future.

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