#why cant i just do what everyone else does why cant i do anything why is it so hard why do i keep making excuses

[grey-has-rusted]

^me when i am a sensitive person

#ramblings #i hate feeling lonely #it literally hurts my heart #i have such a hard time forming connections both irl and online #idk how many times ive cried just this past month bc i felt lonely #and even when i am included in things im always an after thought #its been months but im still thinking about stupid christmas #i know the whole point isn't to get gifts #but i got one present. while i spent hundreds of dollars getting my family gifts #they even asked me what i wanted too #helped my cousin decorate for her christmas party and last minute i found out it was a secret santa #i got invited but was the only one not included in that #so yeah.... #i dont have anyone to celebrate holidays with #my birthday was sad #i cried then too #not looking forward to tomorrow either #and i try to make friends and talk to people #but i feel as though i always initiate #and nobody seems interested in talking to me #which... i dont expect everyone to like me #but it really does hurt and it makes wonder what's wrong with me #also why cant my brain focus on something else #like doing something productive #its been ages since ive drawn anything #ive just been sad. that's the whole post. #bye now

[commander-gloryforge]

.

#damn . if i like. ever did something wrong i wonder why they dont just talk to me about it #like idk i thought when they like. vagued about *someone* i had to convince myself that it wasnt me #like i literally went through our messages to make sure i didnt say anything wrong #but apparently it was me after all? i just wish they wouldve. idk. talked to me about it #it feels so hypocritical? why are you allowed to say what you think and im not #unless i actually did what you claimed but i cant remember this happening nor can i find messages where it happens #and even then instead of vaguing about me when you know im not doing well you can just approach me #or is there a whole different reason? do you avoid me because of something else? am i just not on your level after all? #if it was any other person i wouldnt have cared so much but they were one of the first friends i made there #we worked out so well in the beginning and now you realised im not who you thought i was and instantly replaced me #why does this shit ALWAYS happen to me? is there something wrong with me or is it everyone around me? #this is why i dont approach people. this is why im so intimidated by others. it doesnt work. ill always end up being less. #everyone always ends up being better and more and i am the replacable one. idk. just sucks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought. #i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks. #nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder? #but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student. #everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path. #one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it. #maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for. #unrelated

[spacedlexi]

i Need to draw more clemviminnie shit but how am i supposed to do that when minnie only exists alongside them for 2 episodes then dies

#its why i alive her for some post s4 stuff just so i have more to work with 😔 #but i dont Love doing that....she sealed her fate..she was lost in the sauce... #but theres so much there.............. #the way minnie was concerned for vi while betrayed!vi and clem were fighting in the cell she def still had feelings... #they still wouldve been dating if she was never taken like...... #ITS SO MESSY I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #like while i Do think there was some tension in their relationship somewhere bc that line in the woods didnt come from nowhere #no matter how changed she was by the delta that sentiment had to come from somewhere. maybe she could just never say it #but idk if they wouldve broken up over it and there was no reason for violets feelings to change either. she just grieved her 'death' #vi says the real minnie is gone and that she'll do what she has to to keep everyone else safe but like.... #theres no way shes not still conflicted on some level like you can see it on the boat she cant leave her. esp since she kinda blames hersel #minnie being clems dark reflection but clem is minnies reflection just as much (obvs) the tension is palpable between them #clem being the part of herself that she killed when she killed sophie...the symbolism of killing your own twin... #and how much does clem remind her of sophie too like whos clem Really mirroring here #THERES SO MUCH MEAT THAT IM CHEWING ON THIS IS A GRAND MEAL #and i cant fucking do anything about it 😭 seriously how do i work within these constraints #there isnt even a 2 week jump like there is in ep2 theres no unaccounted for time in eps 3 and 4 ITS KILLING ME #i bet in a betrayed!vi route minnie was glad to see her when they made it to the boat. and vi feeling betrayed by clem was a perfect target #totally susceptible. minnie gets in her head that its safer to give in instead of fighting back... and now theyre together again... #vi betrayed by clem falling right back into minnies arms OOF girl get away she is Fucked Up..theyre both fucked up 😭 clem u broke her #betrayed!vis reaction to hearing minnies confession about sophie..girl must have been so emotionally fucked in that cell #mmm toxic yuri mmmmm :) #god clemvi really has it all.............................................. #why would i need anything else...when clemvi is here #twdg #it speaks #still cant believe my fave girlie really got it all :)

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[ennuidays]

😂😂 so like 😂😂😂😂😂 when am i going to get the instructions for making friends and talking to people everyone else got 😂😂 its a little late 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

#Whyd rhey have to make this human connection shit so hard . Why doesnt anyone care abourt what i care about #how come everyone else can hold conversations about nothing without getting bored and i cant . #how come i feel like im receiving automated responses. i feel like my interactions are all surface level #whh doesnt anyone seem as interested in anything as i do . Why do i feel like im being judged for indulging in my interests #how come when i say something it doesnt feel like anyone is sayi g anything back . Why do my friends turn my sentences into filler . #why does it feel like im in the middle of a hivemind and i dont know it . why does it feel like its all computer generated . #why can everyone else talk and laugh and converse withoit trouble but when its my turn everyone treats it like an obligation #nobody wants to watch what i wsnt to. nobody wants to listen to what i want to. nobody wants to talk about what i want to. #And if they just go along with what i wsnt to do im just wasting their time . we wont even talk about it . theres no expression . #i hate enjoying mhself when nobody else is. and i hate when others are enjoying themselves without me #but apparently im not a part of 'together' #how come even in small social circles nobody is treated equally . Whh does preference come into it. #Man. whatever.

[apollo-zero-one]

Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....

#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!! #or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing #NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years #waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line #mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker #you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy #victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know #you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and #doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's #life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze #manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head? #This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and #poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy #she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he #said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch. #No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings. #bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk #that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!! #and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck. #Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he? #was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements #and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm #and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word #choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board. #Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself?? #'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person #how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person?? #Are you just living in some other reality??? #callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me #im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason

[seethinglikeme]

seeing ppl say that dabi’s an emotionless sociopath just bc he says he is is actually annoying af to me 😭 like r u rlly gonna say the guy who thought so hard abt the families of the ppl he’s killed he went crazy, went berserk when twice died, and literally burned himself to death BC he was so emotional that his father didn’t come to see his quirk’s development is unemotional just bc he says he is? cmon babes be for fucking real 😭

#and bc ik there r counterarguments to the examples i listed: #1) he said that out loud to himself while wiping blood away from his eye scar which is used to symbolise his tears since he cant cry #so no it’s not him lying or faking it or acting. it’s dabi thinking out loud and expressing his feelings #in a scene btw that wasn’t necessary to that arc’s plot or anything - horikoshi decided to put it in for a different reason then #(perhaps to show the audience that just bc dabi says he’s emotionless doesn’t actually mean he is. but what do i know) #2) yeah he said he’s upset abt twice’s death bc it affects him negatively. but that doesn’t make sense #why high-five him then? that wasn’t necessary - u can argue it boosts twice’s morale but to do what? escape from hawks & help the plf? #twice has plenty of motivation to do that - he already was! so why else? throwing a dog a bone? dabi’s not the type to do that and even if #he was that implies some sort of pity or fondness which also disproves the emotionless thing #not only that but his reaction when twice died was not a ‘fuck i just lost a useful tool for my plan’ #that was someone in the anger stage of grief and going mad w it #also we legit saw dabi’s touya reveal & it was obv not a plan he’d adjusted or created in the time btwn twice’s death and that moment #same 4 the video #and i mean we see dabi fight endeavor & shouto and he does all that alone - none of the plf help #if he doesn’t let the rest of the league help him then why woild twice have been the exception? and actually why would the guy who #told deku to stay out of the todoroki family’s business and didnt tell the league his identity til he revealed it to everyone want someone #else’s help?? #it doesn’t make sense - more likely that dabi was mourning a friend/ally and emotional enough and he came up w a shitty excuse bc of it #3) i mean it’s basically canon that he lost control of his flames BC he was so emotional #and there r plenty more examples i just chose those 3 bc they’re bigger ones #but burning down toga’s family home burning down the orphanage returning to the todoroki family home in the first place etc #trying to inflict as painful a death as he could on hawks etc #all displays of emotion and shit #and tbh i could prbly argue that his constant reiteration that he’s a sociopath who doesn’t feel anything is all bluster and bullshit to #make himself be thought of as worse than he is bc itd hurt enji’s rep even more #i have more to say but u get the picture #if i see one more piece of dabi hate calling him emotionless and sociopathic im going to start biting #todoroki touya #dabi #me

[fallowtail]

i try not to let it get to me but the knowledge i am always going to be The Stupid One in every situation i’m in just…really, really sucks. sigh. oh well. i stay silly :3c

#cant even blame it on being audhd because everyone else i know who is #is smart and talented and their brains work alright 😭 i'm just stupid and incapable #i feel like i’m the only person out there who does not get to experience any of the benefits or joys of these things #for me it is nothing but brain damage and endless suffering with no brightside or intelligence or anything #but then everyone tells me i’m the bad guy because if there was a magic button that would make me not audhd i would click it immediately #like why am i wrong for not wanting to suffer #everyone else seems to have a special interest or a fixation and they can remember information about those things but i...dont. i can't. LO #i do not experience the autistic joy everyone else talks about. i dont have the adhd focusing on what you like superpowers or whatever #my autism made me barely pass highschool and i couldnt handle community college and i had to drop out and i can barely handle having #an entry level job that everyone patronizes me about #i'm barely verbal and i am losing my ability to function to brainfog and everyone around me treats me like i'm their little pet idiot #but wanting to change that about myself makes me evil and bad or something i guess #sorry to whine on tumblr like the good old days but twitter is sick of my shit LOL 😭 #pmdd making me spiral worse than usual #one of those times where i'm realizing that if everyone else experiences these things totally different from me than maybe that was never #what was wrong with me in the first place lol. maybe i dont have an explanation and i'm back to being 10 15 19 24 sobbing wondering why im #like this. why i'm so stupid. not even in a self hating way in a legitimately proven way that i am functioning below average intelligence. #ok im done sorryyyyy god i forgot how good tumblr is to vent on #z

[wickershells]

Sigh. vent time u know the drill

#i havent been sleeping well recently. and ive been losing a lot of daylight whenever i do #my brain feels all mush-like. i just cant think of the right words for anything. its like im dreaming #ive missed the deadline for applications so theres another year gone. im so stagnant my life is idle #ive never been more desperate for spring before in my life #i want to go places and see things because i am so miserable stuck here. so i tell myself it will change once i can leave #but i dont have money. and i cant keep a job being as unstable and sensitive as i am i need to get better first #but in order to get better i need to spend money that i dont have #i dont think i was supposed to be happy. i dont think life ever planned that for me #i know that is such a defeatist and ugly attitude to have but truly i am just so unhappy all the time and i have been for years #realistically speaking im never going to be able to keep myself afloat i dont know what to do with that #and im the loneliest ive ever been #i try reaching out and i meet nothing #i know how hard it is to love me which is why no one really does. and i dont say that to be self-pitying #im so incompatible with everyone i love even my own mother. i keep trying to stop being so sensitive but ive been trying to get thicker #skin my entire life and it has never worked. i am perpetually upset no matter how hard i try i dont think i was built to still be here #i convinced myself i wouldnt be and now i am and i dont know how to deal with that. so many things i never preserved or procured because #i figured i would be long gone by now. that was a bit silly of me. but now ive left myself nothing. im left with nothing #everything i had hoped for as a little kid is ruined now all because of me. i have irreparably destroyed my life i mean that #and i cant handle the inevitability of grief and its growing closer and closer as everyone gets older and older #which is why in an act of pure selfishness id rather let everyone else deal with it. in the nebulous sense #god i just. ive spent year after year trying to fix my life and nothing has worked. not even close #im trying not to believe that its futile but deep down i think i already do #well. whatever #mine

[iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife]

Hey you! Fandom writer! Just wanted to make sure that when you masturbatorily victimize your favourite character you don't do it at the expense of the rest of the cast's characterization! Because thats a fucking annoying thing to do and it just shows everyone that you wouldn't recognize nuance if i hit you over the head with it!!

#like dont get me wrong im a huge fan of masturbatoringly victimizing my favourite characters!! but some of yall just cant do it right. #forever haunted by the way the house md fandom treated cuddy and houses relationship #also i read a very annoying mp100 fic yesterday... #it was a typical teru gets kidnaped by claw and later becomes a scar fic and then #he just fucking kills all the other scars on his way out indiscriminately for being ''bad'' people #and then a few sentences later he has breakdowns over being a '''bad''' person #who did horrible things for claw and just. bestie. #why did he have to kill all the other characters who went through the exact same thing as him. what makes him better than them. #why does he deserve to live and everyone else doesn't. #tearing my hair out even thinking about it like wow okay we get it. teru is your favourite ok. good for you. #guess that makes everyone elses lives worthless. #another example of this that comes to mind is a tua fic i had stumbled upon that was like #five forces klaus to lock himself in the mausoleum for no reason. just because he is cruel or as a bet or whtvrr and klaus has a breakdown #because obviously five doesnt know anything about ptsd. obviously. #anyway hate over. #Al's ramblings #also hunter is there because he is literally me attacking you with my opinions unprompted

[spacedykez]

yknow how people just put a dot and then vent in tags for vent posts i should just start putting "i'm not fine" lyrics as the post cause. yeah thats just a whole mood.

#aaaaaanyways ya wanna hear about my mind rn- #don't read if you don't want to this is all vent #the otter ventposts #the otter splashes #i reblogged a writing ask games whyd i do that i cant write anything people are asking for branzypierce i was hoping i could just do short- #-c!pacix snippets n stuff i cant do this i cant but i have to because i cant just say no because im a writer i can Write its the one thing- #i CAN do its the only thing i can do- :( - i can't draw i never do art everyone else does art and i dont and i. i don't need to i dont Want #to but i. its just. artists can write too. like everyone else is doubly talented everyone else can write AND draw and what do i have i have #NOTHING i can't draw. i can only write. everyone can fucking write. and then people are better at writing than me AND better at drawing and #i know i shouldn't compare myself i just. i wish i had anything to say for myself but all i do is write fucking ONESHOTS i cant even write- #longfics i can write like. 1k-2k words and i cant finish any longfics and i can barely write the last few weeks and now i have to finish- #snippets AND the hermitgao3ng thing which is PROBABLY LATE NOW but i havent even STARTED It and its not even like. long enough to make up- #for being late its just gonna be a horrible rushed thing because i can't. get past this stupid writer's block and im not DOING anything- #lately im just. sorry. i know people like my writing but its just. i. fuck. i mean i just i dont want to say anything because IM FINE im- #fine and i just think if i post ANYTHING its just asking for attention and i. i don't WANT attention i just want to be able to write. #sorry. sorry if youre reading this. i dont know why you are.

[be-good-to-bugs]

itd be so cool if the shitty people in my life were not shitty and were actually slightly decent

#the bin #:/ i wanna stop feeling horrible abt shit with my sister but it makes me so angry and upset ALL the time #im so fucked up abt this. how could i not be. i guess. hhhhh. i dont know what to do. it sucks so much. #its so hard to deal with the aftermath of a deeply abusive relationship in general. and when you cant talk to anyone about it or tell #anyone who knows that person. and you have to continue to be nice or at least civil with them. probably forever. #that SUUUUCKS. she is so awful. shes always been awful. i want to heal from that experience but i feel like im still stuck #probably mostly because im literally physically stuck 1000 miles away from everyone else i know in a place where shes the only person i know #but even after that i think ill still feel so stuck. theres a lot of things she has that i really need to get from her before i do anything #that might make her mad at me. i want to delete our stupid chat full of uncomfortable shit vut thats gonna piss her off #she has a lot of pictures of me from when i was younger and those are pretty much the only pictures of me from then #i can barely even remember those years. id like to get those if i can. also i wanna see if i can convince her to delete all the weird videos #she took of me without my consent while i was having psychotic episodes bc like. what the fuck. AND i know she literally just shows them #to her friends and laughs at them bc shes told me she does. which is very upsetting. and if i can get her to delete them id feek so much #better and not be upset over that all the time #i just cant get iver how much she fucking sucks. she does so much fucked up shit and its so awful. why would she ever think its ok ti record #me when im not in a good headspace. without telling me. and then upload it to her snapchat also without telling me #i only found out about her doing that originally because she decided to show me some of the funny things people said about me on the #video i didnt even know existed and had no memory of what happened. she loves to claim shes so chill and nice and good about mental #illness and she understands it so much and would never ever do anything weird and ableist like that. and then does that. #i feel so much worse abiut myslef and all the behaviors i have caused by my myriad of mental shit specifically because of her #ugh i am so not looking forward to being in a car with her for 20 hours when i move. but thats how it has to be.

[35gofbeansprouts]

💭.

#why cant i Connect w people #no matter whats going on if i say anything at all #i just feel like a stranger butting in #maybe not fully unwelcome just #clearly not fitting everyone elses vibes and theyre Letting Me hang around #it never used to feel like this ? idk i feel like the years have passed only for me #IM JUST TIRED #of just watching conversations #bc i know actually joining in wont satisfy me #i keep seeing the same like 5 ppl in the chat and they look like friends and im just thinking HOW do you DO that #they talk Every Day as far i can tell #where so u get that fucking bond .. that energy .. WHY does it escape me in particular

[krispiecake]

sorry just. can i be insane a second? can i be completely honest but also batshit for a really quick second?

#im getting absolutely furious at the fact that staff are just casually having a convo like laughing and gossiping #maybe like 40ft away from me or something #while im sat her alone in the garden obviously not doing well and theyre just… having a giggle #like theyve asked me ONCE the entire fucking day if im alright its fucking insane #and yes i know things feel more intense and more targeted bc im triggered and have a pd ect ect ect #but this js MY blog and im sick of making disclaimers for how i feel so im not going to anymore #bc im sat here in the freezing cold bc if i stay in my flat im gonna try and end it #but i cant sit in the louge bc theres a meeting going on #what fucking meeting needs to be happening 10 at night #and like lets say it does #why is it not happening in their flat #you know a private place that doesnt impact anyone elses care or needs #like i know they have a living room too like its not fair theyve been using the communal lounge all day and all night for now the 4th day #in a fucking row #other people need it too #but no. bc im not as important or as pressing or as ill or as whatever as them #i have to sit alone with no support cold in the fucking garden #great im sooooo glad that everyone is being treated equally and that everyones needs are being taken into consideration 👍👍👍👍👍 #i just feel like screaming and crying and throwing shit and hurting people im so sick of referring to a fucking text book its not changing #ANYTHING like i still have to deal with it all but now its prolonged and now its worse and now i dont even get any results #im so fucking sick of all of this why cant i just be fucking normal #i dont get why i have to be stuck with this stupid pd and all my other shit bc of other ppls actions and i dont even get a fucking APOLOGY? #im so fucking exhausted and i just dont wanna do this shit anymore #update not even the crisis team gives enough of a shit to fucking pick up the stupid phone lol #its a sign i suppose

[horce-divorce]

amazing how some animals are so misunderstood and display altruistic behavior, like rats giving up food to help a friend... meanwhile these fucking cats are over here ganging up on one of their own and refusing to let her use the litter box bc they don't wanna fucking share 🙄

#me #the resource guarding is a bit out of fucking hand #and my mom expects ME to solve it?? #she keeps asking me to figure it out #and i keep giving her solutions that SHE THEN WONT FUCKING FOLLOW #and then shes confused why the cat's behavior is the fucking same #im annoyed w everyone ok not just the cats #and the one cat in particular. alacrity #who is SUCH a fucking BRAT!!!! ABOUT IT!!!!! #she eats everyone elses food bowls and will lick their empty bowls clean. so that HERS is the ONLY bowl with food. #she'll follow ME around and get between Frankie and I so we cant play with each other #if she sees one of the other cats going near anything (food water etc) she fucking RUNS to intercept them #and i keep telling mom #we need MORE litter boxes. what does she do? GETS RID OF ONE ENTIRELY. #i tell her. Blue needs her own separate food/water station that is DEFENSIBLE. she wont go get water bc of where it is #mom changes fuck all so instead i have to get up early to guard Blue from the other cats and make sure she gets some food. #i tell BOTH my parents. we need to switch to a MEASURED. PORTIONED. SCHEDULED FEED. #so that when Alacrity eats all the damn food NOBODY gets more until dinnertime. #so i have to get up to feed them except on weekends when my dad pours them A FULL BOWL EACH! #FULL!!! LIKE 8OZ OF FOOD IN EACH BOWL FULL. #LIKE HES GIVING THEM FUCKING SOUP. #and still both my parents are coming to ME asking ME how is alacrity doing and what else can we do we've tried so much already. #i am gonna fucking stab myself