#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel
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don't worry about forgetting your drinks, as long as you're trying that's perfect. besides, i'll make sure you catch up on any hydration.
so what's an ideal full bladder session look like to you? what kind of stuff would you like to try while i'm using your bladder as a plaything? are there any pet names you like being called, in terms of humiliation vs praise? you don't have to spell it all out now, you can take some time to think about it and tell me when you get the chance. no promises, of course, i might decide to be extra mean to your bladder just for fun, but i'd like an idea of your limits, too.
i like for things to end with a wetting shdjdkybk i just hold it and hold it until i can’t hold it any longer ..,, i just like the feeling of a full bladder and pushing myself as much as possible i think either begging to pee and being told no until i wet myself or having to earn permission to pee somehow thats the ideal to me……………. i wanna be leaking before i can pee i wanna start leaking and keep trying to hold it and be a good boy………… maybe they decide to be nice and decide i’ve done a good enough job waiting for permission and allow me to pee……. maybe they just tell me no until i lose control and then i get scolded…… but i only wanna get lightly scolded im too sensitive for actual degradation 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 like the kind of teasing that’s sweet but condescending……..
i like to be called a good boy…… and pet :3 i dunno about any other pet names i haven’t thought about it or really been called pet names before . the only thing i can be sure i would dislike is anything that’s infantilizing like baby boy or something cuz i cant do ageplay stuff.. anything that starts sounding like ageplay starts making me uncomfortable ……..
and i love being teased i love getting teased for being needy or desperate or for enjoying being made to do embarrassing things like beg. you don’t even have to tell me to beg though i’ll beg anyway. and… hmm.. how do i describe it.. i like the kind of humiliation where someone makes you admit to enjoying the things theyre teasing you about or like describe things like ummm describe how much you want to touch yourself or something like that except that one im still working on cuz i think it’s hot but then i get so embarrassed i cant even do it. attempting to type out all of this is sooo embarrassing but i like it but its so hArd 😭😭😭😭😭😭 communication kink except when you actually try to say what you want you die of embarrassment
you can be however mean you want though…………. i like the thought of someone being really mean to my poor bladder………. i think the only limits are really like………. i can’t do stuff around other people cuz that makes me feel awkward embarrassed instead of sexy embarrassed. i dont particularly enjoy the do exercises challenges because im lazy and dont wanna do jumping jacks (stretching is ok though but im just like look ive got no muscle ok i cant do a bunch of crunches) and tragically i cant have caffeine cuz my meds (hashtag chronic illness) (although someone told me i should get dandelion tea cuz it doesn’t have caffeine and is a diuretic? but i havent gotten any yet 🤨) oh yeah and i don’t like infantilizing stuff as mentioned earlier i cannot do ageplay 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but ummm thats about it you can be as mean as you want if i beg and plead and say i can’t hold it you can ignore me and tell me to keep holding it anyway :P unless i literally cant hold it and piss myself. cant really unpiss myself once ive pissed myself. sorry now im just being silly. oh yeah and punishments are also welcome. also stuff like edging and asking permission to cum is allowed thats just up to the other person cuz i know for others omo is like differing levels of sexualness? idk but for me if i have to pee i will have a boner and whoever else can decide if they want to do something with that information depending on their level of comfort idc. and also i like addressing people formally cuz it makes me feel more subby like you know sir or maam or some other gender neural title (usually i would say boss as the gender neutral title but one of my anons is boss now in my mind im like boss is a name now) but thats also up to the other person cuz not everybody likes that so it’s not required (i dont even like being addressed with a title in regular everyday life so i get it) but ok i think thats it i think that’s all
oh wait i also live with people so im kind of limited to wetting in the tub cuz of cleanup and stuff ok NOW thats all
#sorry this is so long i didnt anticipate typing so much#also hopefully this makes sense i didnt notice my brain was being foggy until i was almost done typing#also i am eyeing the discord server u posted but i have to join later#once my brain clears up enough to interact with more than one person at the same time 😔#moth chatters
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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots
i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity
the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)
but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.
gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.
this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.
which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him
this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.
its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.
“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.
gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.
IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.
its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication
also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems
to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.
a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this
ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.
secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.
hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.
finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.
when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.
paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.
thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps
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BnHA One-Shot Fic Recs (pt1)
Making some fic-rec posts has been on my to-do list for a while and I’m finally doing it, yay! Currently I have 6 word doc pages full of just BnHA recs. So I’m splitting them up by length and completion, so first up is (part one of) one-shots! Let’s go!!!
Lets start with some classic Izuku and DadMight!
Pictures, Posters and Tender Beauty by ProPinkist (tumblr: @dazais-guardian-angel )
Rating: G Category: Gen ~4,400 words
Summary: Izuku has virtually every All Might-themed item out there, and prides himself on all of it, as Toshinori is well aware. However, somehow, the boy still decided that there was something vital missing.
This is fluffy and very cute. No one truly appreciates All Might as much as Izuku does, but 1A comes close. All Might deserves all the love, and this fic truly provides!!!
Dear Mr. All Might by QuizzicalCrow (tumblr: @quizzicalcrow )
Rating: G Category: Gen ~5,000 words
Summary: As the #1 hero for decades, All Might has collected a lot of fan mail over the years. Toshinori tracks down a series of letters that only now, years later, does he appreciate for their significance.
I always love the thought of All Might looking through his fan mail, even if he can’t get to all of it. This was a wonderful glimpse into that AND it was made to be so, so personal and sweet. Go have some heart-healing fluff.
Growing Pains by LordofLies (tumblr: @theangelofchildren )
Rating: G Category: Gen ~5,900 words
Summary: Izuku finds himself changed by his encounter with the Hero Killer, but changes of a more physical kind are in store for him as he begins to truly accept One for All as his own. Once, he would have been thrilled to look more like All Might, but now those connections are as much a source of anxiety as they are of pride.Or, Izuku wakes up one morning and sees the world through different eyes.
Izuku having anxiety and Toshi being there to help him through it and calm him down? Sign me UP. Its also a pretty cool take on how One for All is able to change things about it’s holder. Could this happen in cannon? Who knows.... Regardless, it was a great read!
I’ll Carry You Home by Renesvetta
Rating: G Category: Gen ~2,700 words
Summary: While training with All Might, it wasn’t uncommon for Izuku to be so exhausted at the end of the day that he unwittingly fell asleep without regard for where he was. It consequently became part of All Might’s routine to help his young protégé home. During that time, Izuku may have let loose more than one sleepy confession towards his mentor.
Yes, it is as adorable as it sounds. Its tagged with “self indulgent Dad Might fluff” which is both accurate and appreciated. In other words: Superb you funky little writer!
Simple Gifts by QuizzicalCrow
Rating: G Category: Gen ~6,700 words
Summary: One year ago, Izuku received the greatest gift he could ever imagine. Now he’s determined to return the favor for the one responsible for it all with a gift of his own.
First off, I love the idea of Izuku and Toshi quietly celebrating the anniversary of passing on OfA from All Might to Izuku. Even just taking the day to hang out with each other. It’s a really precious idea. But there’s not just fluff! Izuku finds himself in a fight, again. (cool villain quirk, too!) I love all of the small details that are in this fic (and in Crow’s other works, too!) anyway its exciting AND very heartwarming, so go read it!!!
Affectionate by Sevi007 (tumblr: @sevi007 )
Rating: G Category: Gen ~2,600 words
Summary: Toshinori starts to show affection very easily around his students. The reactions he gets for that are not quite the ones he had anticipated - well, not all of them, at least.
Toshi is LOVED, APPRECIATED, and 1A feels like HOME. how many times can i say “cute” and “heartwarming” on this post?? bc these are some amazing writers, whom I adore, and their writing makes my heart WARM. AND. FUZZY. i mean, even just the first few paragraphs of this one just, really sets the scene of what i like to believe the 1A dorm is (on a good day, lol). its a really nice read, so go treat yo’ self by reading it.
paint me in trust by dinomight
Rating: G Category: Gen ~6,400 words
Summary: The first mark Izuku gets is a slight brush of green across his temple. It’s the soft touch of a mother holding her son for the first time. Inko has one to match, the same shade of green staining the tips of her fingers. Hers is more noticeable; Izuku’s tends to blend into his hairline.
He loves it anyways. He has to. It’s the only soulmate mark he has.
(Or: how Izuku goes from just green to a rainbow, UA-style.)
Ok, so this fic sort of plays off the idea of soulmates, and does not fit in with soulmates in the usual form of the trope. First off its completely platonic. Its categorized as Gen and sticks to that. Also it doesn’t seem to be as obligatory and permanent as you would think it would be. It seems to be more of the universe telling you who has the possibility of being important in your life. I really really loved this, it was so adorable and gives you that sweet, sweet Izuku angst, before healing your heart with the power of friendship and found family!!!
The Die Has Been Cast by ChiwiTheKiwi (tumblr: @chiwithekiwi )
Rating: G Category: Gen ~5,400 words
Summary: “There’s something about that kid you aren’t telling me, isn’t there?”When no answer meets him, Shouta tries again.“You know something about Midoriya’s quirk that you haven’t shared with me. Is that right?”(Or: A canon "What If" surrounding the latest manga events and focusing on Aizawa finally making a connection.)
First off, this fic has spoilers for the manga, so dont read unless you’re past chp212! I loooooooove OfA reveal fics, especially when it’s Aizawa that finds out. He deserves to know!!! its kind of important!!!! This fic chooses a great moment to work off of, and does a great job with Aizawa’s character. I really enjoyed it and couldn’t keep myself from going back and reading it just now LOL
These last two are actually two-shots, but it makes it an even 10! also Izuku and dadmight, so we can continue the theme here...
Some Unspoken Thing by LittleKy
Rating: G Category: Gen ~7,900 words (2chps)
Green, Toshinori has always thought, is the color of life anew.(Or: It's time for Yagi Toshinori to finally accept that he has a son, now, in all but blood. It's time for Midoriya Hisashi to accept that as well.)
YES ALL MIGHT! ADMIT THAT IZUKU IS YOUR SON! great portrayal of the characters and really hits the nail on the head for DadMight. and Izuku in this story is just the smallest green floof that you wish to give a hug. NEVER MIND ALL MIGHT, YOU TOOK TOO LONG SO IZUKU IS MY SON NOW AND IM NOT GIVING HIM BACK ( no but seriously i want to hug this fic its so cute TTuTT )
LAST BUT NOT LEAST!
I See You by BirdAntlers (tumblr: @aarymk )
Rating: G Category: Gen ~15,400 words (2chps)
Midoriya Izuku is a quirkless child, blind from birth. Yagi Toshinori is the most powerful man in the world, loved by millions. They could not be more different, and yet their loneliness is the same. (From a pair of AU posts on Tumblr that got way out of hand; I wanted to put it here because it turned into more of a fic than a "what-if." Basically a vessel for me to vomit as much Dadmight as I can.)
Hey, you! Yeah! You! Do you want to cry? Do you want to start sobbing in a public space?? Do you just want to be destroyed with words and be left there kneeling at the feet of a writer who has torn out your heart and stomped on it before they gently wipe the tears from your face? Yeah?? y oU Wan NA D IE??? READ THIS AND GET REKT. you’ll thank me later
(under the cut is just me rambling, i kept all the important stuff up here, ur welcome)
Now that the actual recs are over I can rant here- look i really tried to slim my recs down, but i have almost 300 bnha fics bookmarked,some of them are “to read” or theyre in progress, etc but i managed to get this list sorta slimmed down? a little?(to only 58!!!) but as i was gathering this post together it felt like i dont have very many Dadmight recs on that list??? but i havent rechecked all the other fics i was just going through the oneshots. i... kinda read a lot more fics with AIzawa in it instead. it be that way. DadMight content is SO GOOD. but my fav is aizawa im sorryyyyy
anyway i have another SEVENteeN oneshots to put in rec posts and that does NOT include the mulitchapter and friikin series and stuff... and like i said this is aaaaaaallllllllllllllll BnHA. batfam fic posts will come after, and then star wars, and then maybe star trek? we’ll see. i have a very specific taste in ST fics and that is Tarsus IV whump. which. i have not read in a while. when they say “that trope came from ST” for sooooooo many tropes, you WISH other fandoms had tarsus as a trope, holy crap it is TOP TIER angst fodder. if you love to write/read whump, angst, and h/c i would HIGHLY recommend that you take a bit of time and explore the content and stories there. heck maybe i will make a ficrec post for just tarsus angst. ok.
my INTENTION is to edit these posts later with little links to the other fic rec lists so that itll be easier to find. but., its me, so itll either happen in painful detail or not at all
asdjkdgh its 2:30am and i need to sleep and not be rambling incoherently again I WILL SAVE THIS AS A DRAFT.
#Ani's Fic Recs#fic recs#fic rec list#bnha fanfic#midoriya izuku#dadmight#all might#yagi toshinori#bnha#mha#mha fanfic#fic rec#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#toshinori yagi#izuku midoriya#deku#ani can talk?#fandom#anime#text post
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I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.
A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours
my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)
I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.
My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.
They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.
I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.
I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.
My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.
Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.
I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.
It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.
I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.
Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.
I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.
I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)
Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??
Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos
My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)
I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how
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Discord pt 99
[Date: 20/03, 06:01 AM GMT - 20/03, 07:15 AM GMT]
[CW for minor/background character death, transphobia mention]
[Read Fetch's recent asks for context]
Little-K1ng: “hey guys im home!! is fetch here yet?? how did everything go??
...haha are you guys even still awake :)”
Maxwell: “yeah
uh”
god/dreaming crying: “im awake”
Maxwell: “shit went down....again....”
Little-K1ng: “oh of course, hope it wasnt too bad
are you guys at least okay?”
Maxwell: “so...fetch isnt coming tonight...”
Little-K1ng: “...oh
uh!! well!!! just another day to make sure... make sure everythings right for him coming back”
Maxwell: “his headache got worse”
Little-K1ng: “oh no poor thing :(”
Maxwell: “and i think he got really bad sensory overload”
Little-K1ng: “oh no !!!!!
did you have him do his anxiety exercise?”
Maxwell: “so he hid in the bathroom when....knight starting talking through the blog to us”
Little-K1ng: “oh dear”
Maxwell: “he was upset that fetch kept "barking"
cause he was upset and in pain”
Little-K1ng: “huh... internal arguing? thats interesting
"upset and in pain" wonder how that happened knight”
Maxwell: “we all tried to help him but he just kept getting madder and madder until...
he got pissed at knight”
Little-K1ng: “did he yell at you?”
Maxwell: “and wanted to scare him somehow to get him to be quiet i guess”
Little-K1ng: “oh? thats weird”
Maxwell: “we thought maybe he'd say something but then someone knocked on the bathroom door apparentally”
Little-K1ng: “you're shaking, max, do you want a hug?”
Maxwell: “ah....maybe in a bit”
Little-K1ng: “im sure it was scary watching fetch get angry like that :(”
Maxwell: “he....he said the person opened the door and there wasnt anything on the blog from fetch or knight for a couple minutes”
Little-K1ng: “.....”
Maxwell: “till fetch answered an ask asking if they were alright....he said it was warm
he...said there was a lot of red”
Little-K1ng: “..........uh.... i...
....i ....... dont follow”
Maxwell: “lawerence is gone now”
Little-K1ng: “what.?
crown-”
Maxwell: “one of the gas station employees
it wasnt crown”
Little-K1ng: “it....
uh
i....
you...
??? im”
Maxwell: “fetch....he...ripped his throat out (gore warning)”
Little-K1ng: “..............................................................................................i....................
i dont........
............i dont know..................... what to say.. to that”
Maxwell: “he didnt realize what he was doing”
Little-K1ng: “i dont think he did”
Maxwell: “when he did he panicked and started crying
its why he didnt come home
he...thought I was scared of him...”
Little-K1ng: “thats...
fuck”
Maxwell: “i wasnt...but he didnt believe me”
Little-K1ng: “of course he wouldnt, max
do you know where he is now?”
Maxwell: “knight was still there and he was being kind of condescending”
Little-K1ng: “i have to go get him whether he likes it or not, he must be terrified”
Maxwell: “i dont know...im assuming he left the gas station but I dont know where”
Little-K1ng: “fuckkkk”
Maxwell: “last i heard from him
i...called him my brother....and he said he wanted to come back but knight wouldnt let him”
Little-K1ng: “oh max....
....thats........ thats really sweet”
Maxwell: “.....i wasnt lying....”
Little-K1ng: “i dont think you were, max
i know he wants to come back. im gonna go get him first chance i see where he is
i wont hurt him, i wont force him, but knowing he wants to come home is the only confirmation i need
i just-..... fuck, dude........
he really.... fucking killed someone”
Maxwell: “yeah...I guess none of us really expected that to happen”
Little-K1ng: “just like that....”
Maxwell: “he hasnt been in the best state of mind though
I know I haven't....”
Little-K1ng: “not to cool motive still murder at him but, running around drenched in blood as a hybrid in this type of neighborhood isnt. exactly a good look. and not too many folks are gonna take "i was upset" as an answer”
Maxwell: “yeah...i wish i knew where he was...”
Little-K1ng: “i should- i should wake up marcus-... does marcus know?”
Maxwell: “no though im surprised marcus didnt wake up when i started crying
i...cried a lot when he said he was scared to come home”
Little-K1ng: “oh max..... that hug is still on the table?”
Maxwell: “yes please”
Little-K1ng: “uwu;;”
Maxwell: “thanks mona...”
Little-K1ng: “anytime
!! and i mean that”
Maxwell: “i know you do, ha
now how to we wake the shithead....”
Little-K1ng: “ah, cold water
maybe sit on him
dip his hand in warm water prank?”
Maxwell: “jump on his stomach”
Little-K1ng: “something light hearted
and sibling-like ;)))”
Maxwell: “we could slap em”
Little-K1ng: “forgive me if im in like, way too good a mood. just coping with shock i guess”
Maxwell: “nah its fair...”
Little-K1ng: “hard to believe its real, ill try to contact his blog again
damn, that ask i sent without actually checking mustve been uh, Not The Vibe”
Maxwell: “....im gonna hit marcus with a pillow”
Little-K1ng: “yes please”
Maxwell: “not really he answered it saying he was sorry
WAKE UP BITCH!”
Marcus: “ow”
Maxwell: “we need to talk”
Marcus: “dude
what the fuuuck”
Maxwell: “important talk time
wake up”
Marcus: “Is fetch here?”
Maxwell: “so, fetch aint coming home tonight...”
Marcus: “What’s going on?”
Little-K1ng: “hey marcus...
im.... home....”
Marcus: “.....hi
..whats going on?”
Maxwell: “he left the gas station after knight started trying to take control with as we know suffocates him and he got bad sensory overload and then he--”
Little-K1ng: “max, do you want to keep going?”
Marcus: “Why do I feel like I’m in trouble you both look....off”
Little-K1ng: “you dont have to”
Maxwell: “no no im good just one second please....”
Little-K1ng: “take a few breaths, its alright”
Marcus: “.........”
Little-K1ng: “ive got you, ill hold you dont worry”
Maxwell: “Okay....fetch...killed one of the employees...Lawrence”
Marcus: “.....he...
...”
Little-K1ng: “im so sorry marcus...”
Maxwell: “he wasnt himself...he was talking through his blog to us as himself but knight was too....”
Little-K1ng: “ill give you a bit to process... the shock hasnt actually worn off for me yet..”
Marcus: “....fetch
...w..hy?”
Maxwell: “he kept switching back and forth between the too and lawrence came into the bathroom when he was pissed and fetch wanted to get knight to shut up...
so he tried to scare knight....not realizing hed gone too far...”
Marcus: “........”
Maxwell: “when he snapped out of it he had no memory of what hed just done and he was panicking and...crying....”
Marcus: “...I don’t... I don’t like this
Please tell me this is a joke”
Maxwell: “he said he didnt wanna come back home because he thought I was scared of him...”
Marcus: “Please pleasepleasepleaseplease”
Little-K1ng: “im checking his blog right now...... and uh.....
yeah no.. its not a joke
its a fucking horrorshow”
Marcus: “no no nonononononononono”
Little-K1ng: “marcus, do you want a hug also? or do you not want touched”
Marcus: “stop please stop stopstop”
Little-K1ng: “its a lot to take in...”
Maxwell: “i tried to get him to come home....i called him my brother....”
Little-K1ng: “im having so much trouble convincing myself its real”
Maxwell: “but...knight wouldnt let him”
Marcus: “no it’s not it’s not it’s not it didn’t happen nonononono”
Little-K1ng: “i havent even. caught up to the part where im supposed to be upset or angry. i just. i just want him home and safe and warm where i can see him i just..”
Maxwell: “he had control over the two of them...but fetch got control bacck and left but I dont know where im sorry”
Marcus: “it didn’t no nonono”
Little-K1ng: “i-..im going to sit down next to you marcus, but dont worry, i wont invade your space im just worried i might faint”
Marcus: “nothing happened everything’s okayokayokay it’s okay it’s fine everything’s fine”
Little-K1ng: “thats alright marcus, its okay. denial is okay for a while”
Maxwell: “putain
mona look”
Little-K1ng: “it helps it set in better as a gentle present
yeah?”
Maxwell: “flowers....”
Marcus: “everythings fine it’s fine it’s fine finefinefine”
Little-K1ng: “o-oh...
oh marcus.....”
Marcus: “its fine
everything’s okay”
Little-K1ng: “marcus... loosen the grip on your hair, okay? you're gonna pull too hard
you might yank some of the flowers-”
Marcus: “no nononono
Maxwell: “Ah putain putain putain!”
Little-K1ng: “marcus, please-
please give me your hands, if you can, i dont want you to hurt yourself,”
Marcus: “everything’s fine everything’s going to be okay it’s fine it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay”
Little-K1ng: “exactly”
Maxwell: “marcus please”
Little-K1ng: “shhh sh sh sh just stop pulling your hair, just calm down, deep breaths”
Marcus: “its..it’s okay it’s fine
nothing happened it’s fine”
Little-K1ng: “marcus-
its okay to say nothing happened but... you have to come to terms with it at some point. i just want to know you're okay”
Marcus: “im fineimfine”
Little-K1ng: “you're fine, marcus
you're fine, i promise”
Marcus: “im..fine
...im fine”
Maxwell: “you aint”
Marcus: “..I’m.....im fine
I’m fine :)”
Maxwell: “youre not”
Marcus: “I’m ⎎⟟⋏⟒”
Maxwell: “NO”
Marcus: “-!
w-what?”
Little-K1ng: “WHAT
what
okay
let me not
let me not yell
okay
hhhhhh
marcus?
nnnnnoooooOO okay okay”
Marcus: “....”
Little-K1ng: “vwoop vwoop dont do that”
marcus...?: “...”
Maxwell: “No....”
marcus...?: “..I..”
Maxwell: “please no....”
Little-K1ng: “marcus...?”
marcus...?: “.....
..yeah?”
Little-K1ng: “are you...... is that like... "you"?
are you sure you're still marcus? i wont be mad
you tend to just kind of.... accept it”
marcus...?: “I’m...
...hm”
Little-K1ng: “you can think about it if you want
ill call you by whoever you are”
marcus...?: “....”
Little-K1ng: “your flowers are blooming and i dont know if that....... blurred the lines? or if "you" have bloomed”
marcus...?: “...I don’t know
I hate not knowing”
Maxwell: “that's okay...i didnt know for the longest time...
not like my family tried to help....”
marcus...?: “...what are they?”
Maxwell: “the flowers...?”
Little-K1ng: “they're pretty... they suit you.. at a glance, i think they're hyacinths? and... rhododendrons? huh”
Maxwell: “theyre Purple hyacinths and rhododendrons”
Little-K1ng: “yeah
do you want a mirror?”
marcus...?: “...heh
Fitting
...that’d be nice”
Little-K1ng: “here you go”
marcus...?: “....oh
Pretty”
Little-K1ng: “yeah! purple and gold is a good look”
marcus...?: “Red too”
Little-K1ng: “im........... sorry about the other night. i realized while i was at work today what i had actually said
i didnt mean it”
marcus...?: “....”
Little-K1ng: “i didnt mean to make you feel like viscount was less you than you are”
marcus...?: “......
...I don’t...want to be sad anymore
...I forgive you Mona
......sorry about this whole mess”
Little-K1ng: “that..... i dont deserve that, but ill take it
dont be...”
Maxwell: “anyone else still having slight headaches?”
marcus...?: “It’s..kind of my fault that we’re here”
Maxwell: “its not man..”
marcus...?: “...it is
I was...
I wanted to stay”
Little-K1ng: “it wasnt your fault. i left the doors open, maxwell gave himself up, fetch uh. we'll skip that one”
marcus...?: “But I got scared when...page..took off his circlet”
Little-K1ng: “when we're all to blame theres enough to go around, dont hurt yourself carrying it all”
marcus...?: “I didn’t want to leave”
Maxwell: “you helped me get away and im thankful for that”
[Maxwell: “anyone else still having slight headaches?”]
Little-K1ng: “i mean always”
marcus...?: “but you were so unhappy
And...and crown said that if you ever wanted to leave, you could
He said that
But....
But he didn’t want to let page max leave”
Little-K1ng: “he said you could leave? he might be banking on no one wanting to, which is..... surprisingly childish”
Maxwell: “thats why im confused why not just let me go...”
Little-K1ng: “almost adorable, frankly”
Maxwell: “im just a kid
well
not really”
marcus...?: “........he”
Maxwell: “im not a kid but im young”
marcus...?: “None of us
....
Before Max and fetch...
None of us...wanted to leave
We all went...for reasons
......
...I don’t like being marcus”
Maxwell: “.....”
Little-K1ng: “...you dont have to be”
marcus...?: “......”
Little-K1ng: “you can be viscount and still stay here, i wont hurt you”
marcus...?: “..........”
Maxwell: “yeah”
marcus...?: “...what about...knight fetch”
Little-K1ng: “i... they need to figure out what actually makes them happy. for that, they're gonna need time to work that out if crown wants anything lasting. but either way, neither one is gonna hold it against you”
marcus...?: “......”
Maxwell: “yeah
i know i would prefer to stay as max because....
page reminds me of who I was before I was myself....who I truly was
when i was kid who didnt know anything”
Little-K1ng: “so... page makes you feel... helpless?
vulnerable?”
Maxwell: “yeah
hes who i was before
who i am to my family
accept my family sees me as a 'she' even if I've told them im not....”
Little-K1ng: “oh ew
have no fear max, you're you. no matter what they say
same goes to you”
Maxwell: “...i....
you know how im part rat?
but dont fully look like one?”
Little-K1ng: “yeah?
Maxwell: “like fetch kids loved the make fun of me for how i looked....my grandmother gave me a necklace when I was about 10 then helped hide those features....
made my ears more human like, pointy but easier to hide
and....got rid of the other stuff
im not supposed to wear it for more than 2 weeks but i've been wearing it ever since crown took me”
Little-K1ng: “oh no is that.... like.... unhealthy??
i dont usually have to do anything to h-.... well
yknow, like i wouldnt know”
Maxwell: “.....
i hadnt taken it off cause i got so used to wearing it
and uh....didnt know what you would do”
Little-K1ng: “....do you want to take it off?”
Maxwell: “kids used to pull on my ears and yell in em
honestly?”
Little-K1ng: “honestly”
Maxwell: “yeah....my ears have been hurting because in order to hide em it squishes em”
Little-K1ng: “do you........ want us to turn around first?”
marcus...?: “We don’t have to look if you don’t want us to”
Maxwell: “perhaps it takes a second to set in and it might be helpful if you do...”
Little-K1ng: “i can chat with marcus while it... wears off i guess?
wait, marcus uh? viscount?
whichever
uh”
marcus...?: “...I don’t know”
Little-K1ng: “ill wait for confirmation on that
but uh
are you...... feeling okay?
better, at least?
i can get you some water”
marcus...?: “...I’m..yeah
....I’m alright”
[The rest of the conversation is speculation about whether Mona truly is “the fourth” member, as well as what kind of personality her court version would have. There’s only one day left before Spring is supposed to arrive, and the court members return “home”, so there’s still a possibility that Fetch might return before then]
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So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.
Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.
Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.
Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.
And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.
And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.
But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.
These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...
I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.
But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.
But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.
And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you
But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.
Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way
Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.
So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.
It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.
I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...
Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.
Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.
Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.
Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”
It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them
When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...
And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’
Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.
Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like
Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.
I like that... i like thay thing we do
In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.
Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.
Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???
Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.
Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.
Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching
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shae and yasin form a val hate club
(the title is misleading just so you know)
it’s not like i enjoy constantly looking through their social media. i hate it. actually, i despise it. i hate being reminded they exist and they’re living ok while hurting others. i feel like the only thing i can do is reach out to those they’ve hurt... it’s hard to keep up with them. they always seem to move on so quickly from victim to victim. they’re just so... vile. nobody deserves the kind of treatment they give out.
however... i’ve noticed that they may have a new victim. though they haven’t posted about them in a while so i can only assume that they did something. looking at their twitter account though it looks... inactive. is it even worth reaching out to them...? yeah, duh of course it is. i don’t doubt they feel alone and helpless... i’ve felt that too many times with that rabid abomination. i’m messaging them.
unholyg0th sent: hey
truthfully, i’m kind of not expecting an answer... i mean the account’s last tweet is from an entire two months ago. this is probably pointless... as i’m already closing the app and about to turn off my phone, i get a notification that someone had messaged me on twitter. it was them. without wasting i second, i go to open it up.
wormydirt62 sent: hi? whos this?
unholyg0th sent: i know this is out of the blue but you were with val at some point right?
wormydirt62 sent: who are you?
unholyg0th sent: oh im shae.
a couple minutes pass as i dont get a response from them. shit, did i scare them off? thankfully, after a couple more minutes, i hear my phone go off again.
wormydirt62 sent: i heard abt u but i still cant trust this is shae
wormydirt62 sent: send a pic of urself holding a sign that says
wormydirt62 sent: idk
wormydirt62 sent: hi yasin
wormydirt62 sent: or smth like that
wormydirt62 sent: just so i know ur shae
wormydirt62 sent: pls
is yasin their name...? i mean i guess i don’t blame them. they must be trying to make sure i’m not just val on a different account. it sounds like something they would do... i obey their request and hastily (and sloppily) write down “hi yasin” in a notebook and take a picture of myself holding it towards the camera. immediately after, i send it right to them and wait a couple more minutes until they finally respond again.
wormydirt62 sent: yea that seems believable
wormydirt62 sent: im sorry i doubted u. i cant be sure who im messaging.
unholyg0th sent: thats understandable. are you ok?
wormydirt62 sent: yea. i think so. u scared me. i thought u were val.
wormydirt62 sent: nvm did u want to talk abt smth
wormydirt62 sent: abt val
unholyg0th sent: yeah. as i asked before were you with val previously?
wormydirt62 sent: i was dating them yea
unholyg0th sent: if im prying too much do let me know
unholyg0th sent: but why did you two break up? did they hurt you?
wormydirt62 sent: i havent even talked to anyone else about it
wormydirt62 sent: but i trust u
wormydirt62 sent: i guess we never properly broke up
wormydirt62 sent: there was just
wormydirt62 sent: one time i refused to listen to them. i had it.
wormydirt62 sent: i was tired of them depriving me from having a friends
wormydirt62 sent: and hurting me from little to no reason
wormydirt62 sent: and the one time i chose not to listen to them
wormydirt62 sent: they freaked out rly bad and killed me
i already started feeling sick just reading what yasin had told me so far. it was all just... too similar to my own. but it looks like val took the extra step and took their life. the poor thing...
wormydirt62 sent: but then i found myself waking up in the middle of the forest
wormydirt62 sent: i was sure val killed me so i wasnt sure why i was alive and breathing
wormydirt62 sent: it wasnt really long until i could tell there were some changes in me
wormydirt62 sent: my cousin says ive somehow changed into a ghoul
wormydirt62 sent: im not sure if val has anything to do with it though
wormydirt62 sent: actually i hope they dont
unholyg0th sent: thats awful... im so sorry that happened to you. you dont deserve what they did to you.
wormydirt62 sent: sometimes i still feel like its my fault
wormydirt62 sent: or maybe like i deserved what they did
unholyg0th sent: no. not at all. you didnt deserve anything they inflicted upon you. they abused and went as far as to kill you. none of the blame is on you.
wormydirt62 sent: i guess
wormydirt62 sent: im still uneasy about that
unholyg0th sent: i dont blame you. i feel the same way after mine and val’s breakup.
unholyg0th sent: just know im here for you. you arent alone yasin.
wormydirt62 sent: thank u
wormydirt62 sent: ur actually rly nice shae
wormydirt62 sent: i knew i should have had my doubts abt what val told me
to no surprise, val seemed to have been lying about me. though i didn’t really want to hear what val had been saying about me. so before yasin could type anything more up, i go to start typing back to them.
unholyg0th sent: of course. i just didnt want you to feel alone.
unholyg0th sent: i know what its like to be hurt by them.
wormydirt62 sent: thank u
wormydirt62 sent: if u dont mind me asking why did u guys break up
i feel my stomach churn just thinking about our dramatic break up. but at the same time... you really wanted to make yasin feel they weren’t alone in the abuse. i begin typing at a slow pace. luckily, yasin seems patient enough.
unholyg0th sent: val abused me both mentally and physically. they even forced me to break contact with the healthy friend circle i had finally gotten myself after so much hard work.
unholyg0th sent: and knowing how violent they were, i was terrified that they would go as far as to kill me if i mentioned i wanted to break up with them. but i wanted to get out of there.
unholyg0th sent: but... i never knew what exactly they were until i took a knife to their chest. i think val truly would have killed me if i didnt know how to run and hide.
wormydirt62 sent: im sorry to hear
wormydirt62 sent: u went through a lot of things with them too it looks like
unholyg0th sent: i did.
unholyg0th sent: i still have to deal with them.
unholyg0th sent: they found out my new home address and they harass and stalk me almost daily.
wormydirt62 sent: oh my god?
wormydirt62 sent: theyre so awful
wormydirt62 sent: are u ok?
unholyg0th sent: i try to be. i think im slowly regaining back that healthy circle of friends with new people.
unholyg0th sent: so i think i’m going to be fine.
wormydirt62 sent: i hate them so much
unholyg0th sent: me too. i want them to stop hurting people.
wormydirt62 sent: me too
wormydirt62 sent: i havent slept yet so im heading to bed
wormydirt62 sent: thank u for talking with me
unholyg0th sent: go to sleep. you need it.
unholyg0th sent: and no problem. i hope to talk to you more!
wormydirt62 sent: that sounds nice i think id enjoy that
wormydirt62 sent: ttyl
after our conversation had ended, i let out a sigh and put my phone down. the more i hear about val hurting others, the more i wish stabbing them had actually worked out.
#gravetext#oc tag#shae#yasin#abuse m#my writing is BAD#and the ending is STUPIT#but please please PLEASE spare me
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feeling bad so here’s a sexy coping fic
v: hey laur
l: Yes Valerian?
v: have you heard from mercy today?
v: laur?
l: No. I was checking my messages and calls for timestamps.
v: yeah same. they havent responded to anything ive sent all day.
l: I'm not going to be home tonight. Still on assignment. I can't go check on them...
v: ill be home tonight. ill let you know
l: Alright. Thank you.
v: love you
l: I love you too, Valerian.
--
"Mercy?" Valerian's voice doesn't betray the uncertainty he feels. When he first realized Mercy hadn't responded all day, he thought it was a fluke. After all, they run one of the more successful restaurants on Alpha. It gets quite busy with species of all kinds coming in for a taste of their cooking. They go hours at a time without messaging back, but they always take a break, and even if it's just a quick video message, Valerian and Laureline hear from Mercy.
Valerian kicks his shoes off, taking the time to set them nicely by the door, giving Mercy time to respond.
"Babe?" he tries, flipping on the overhead light of their living room. He's both relieved and even more tense to see the room just how he left it several days ago. Relieved because no one has been there, but tense because... that means Mercy hasn't been there.
He walks through the living room and pokes his head into the kitchen, flipping the light on as he goes. Nothing. He turns the light off and bypasses the bathroom, dark and unpleasant. ("I wish it had a window," Mercy remarked when they moved in. "It's kinda creepy without one. I'll never use it without the light on."
"What if the power goes out?" teased Valerian, grinning when Mercy playfully gasped. He cursed when Laureline smacked his arm.
"One of you will always be around to rescue me," Mercy decided.
"From the big, scary, windowless bathroom."
"Valerian!"
"Ow! Laureline!")
Valerian comes to a stop outside of their bedroom. There's the faintest glow of a light on under the door and he doesn't hesitate to open it.
"Mercy?" he calls out, reaching for the light switch.
"Please don't turn it on."
With no hesitation on his part, Valerian drops his arm back to his side and he squints into the darkness of the room.
Their voice sounds so...
"Babe..." Valerian swallows and steps into the room, shutting the door behind him.
The light he'd seen was the street light shining in from the curtains, half closed and illuminating the foot of the Alaskan King bed Valerian, Laureline, and Mercy all shared. He couldn't see their face.
"Hey," Mercy murmurs, and Valerian notes they don't even bother sitting up to greet him. "Didn't think you'd be home yet."
"Merce, it's already nine." But not even that gets them to sit up. Instead, he can faintly make out them pressing their palms to their eyes.
"Fuck," is all Mercy says.
For a moment, neither of them say or do anything. Valerian can only squint through the darkness at one of his partners, wondering what is going on. Laureline is better with this. Val needs Mercy and Laur to tell him outright what's going on. Laur can read him and Mercy, and can pick up better on moods than he can.
And then a sniffle hits his ears and Valerian moves to the bed in less than a second.
"Baby," he coos, moving to Mercy's side. "Baby, baby, baby, I'm here." It's easy to pull them into his lap, and he guides their head to his shoulder to hide their face from the light. "Oh, my Mercy," Valerian says as the sobs hit Mercy full on.
In the dark of their bedroom, with only the street lamp as guidance, it's impossible to tell how long Valerian holds Mercy for. He rubs their back, smooths his fingers over freshly dyed inky black hair (it's nice, he thinks. The last time he saw them they were blond. Black suits them more.), and murmurs sweet nothings against the top of their head.
"I'm right here," Val says. "I'm not going anywhere."
He startles when Mercy actually replies in that cry-hoarse voice.
"Why?" they ask.
"Why what?" Val asks back.
Mercy curls their hand against his shirt and finally lifts their head to look at him properly. His heart aches because they just look so tired.
"Why are you still here?" Mercy asks.
To that, Valerian has no answer. He doesn't understand the question. He tells them as much, and Mercy sighs.
"There's no point," they say. "You'll be... So much better off without me. You don't need me. I bring nothing to the table. I do nothing for you, or for Laureline. Why stay?" Both of their hands tighten against his shirt. "Why? Why? I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. You're better off without me, I'm better off dead I'm just..." They trail off in sobs.
It clicks in Valerian's head, though. He knows they have depression. He knows there's so much in their brain that they call 'wrong' - ("It's not wrong," Laureline says smartly. "It's how your brain works. The chemical balance is different for you than it is for Valerian and myself. But your brain isn't 'wrong'. It's you.") - that it gets to them. But they have therapy, and medication. They have him, and they have Laureline. They...
They've been alone for almost two weeks due to Valerian and Laureline's assignments.
They haven't had him, or Laur.
"You bring yourself to the table," Valerian starts. He usually just clings onto whatever Laureline says to help Mercy, but she's not here and making Mercy wait because Valerian isn't good at this is just cruel. "You bring a witty, funny, charming, caring, selfless person to the table."
Valerian's hands go back to rubbing their back and smoothing down their hair. "Laur and I do need you. We love you. We... I... Mercy, I love you. Laureline loves you. Even if you stayed at home all day, we'd still love you. We love you, and we'd be lost without you. I know I would be lost without you." Valerian takes a breath and presses a kiss to the top of Mercy's head again.
"Baby," he murmurs against their hair. "You are so important to us. Please. Please remember, okay? No matter what the bad thoughts say. I love you. Laureline loves you. You're part of us. Remember? We're neapolitan. You're the strawberry, Laur is the vanilla, I'm the chocolate. Can't be a real neapolitan without the strawberry."
When all Mercy responds with is a sob, Valerian can't help but smile.
"I promise. Laur and I aren't going anywhere."
"Thank you," Mercy mumbles, voice distorted through Valerian's shirt. "I love you, Val."
"I love you, Mercy."
--
v: theyre okay
l: Just okay?
v: brain stuff
l: Shit. I'll be home in a few days to help.
v: k. theyre sleeping right now. i think i did okay
l: Did you say the ice cream thing?
v: i said the ice cream thing
l: You're ridiculous.
v: and yet you both love me anyway
l: Somehow, we do.
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Oh fuck i cant stand this
Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again
Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me
AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes
"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!
Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.
And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...
And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*
Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!
Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns
I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh
Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy
And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.
Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave
I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa
#suicide mention#im sorry#all their no privacy shit doesnt even work cos i was just left alone all night when i wanted to kill myself#and took then three days to notice the wound on my arm#didnt cut my veins or anything dangerous i just couldnt stop scratching#at my skin for an hour and now there's a bit of a mess there#but its scabbed over so its fine#i drew all over the other arm to keep from hurting myself again#i thought i was okay after that nice experience at the build a bear workshop but im even#worse today cos now i k ow the staff are just fuckin fine with transphobia and im gonna just have to#shut my mouth i guess#fuck just look forward to the art classes whenever i finally get to do them#but i was looking forward to the class today and then i couldnt do it cos i got all scared of dad#fuckkkkkkk
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The Diary of Losing You
Day One
I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other.
But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.
I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them.
all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.
sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.
Day Two
teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.
Day Three
teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.
Day Four
its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.
but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.
Day Five
No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once.
Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up.
Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point?
Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried.
Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.
it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should.
Day Six
a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could.
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OOCly viewed chatlog you know the drill.
-- technicalGyrations [TG] began pestering eggBoy [EB] at 08:16 --
[08:16] TG: egg BOY
[08:17] EB: egg boy.
[08:18] TG: egg boi
[08:18] EB: that's me.
[08:18] TG: like soulja boy
[08:18] EB: one hundred percent farmland fresh egg boy.
[08:18] TG: but with eggs
[08:19] EB: hot off the truck and into market, soon to be on your breakfast plate at denny's when it's 2am and you're feeling down.
[08:20] EB: we should go to denny's sometime at 2am when we're feeling down.
[08:20] TG: we could go to dennys right now if youre feeling down
[08:21] EB: it's not 2am yet and i've been up since six making myself homemade mac and cheese.
[08:22] TG: okay instead of dennys come to my work and eat mac n cheesy with me and tell me whats going on
[08:24] EB: i can't, legs are broken.
[08:25] EB: my face hurts.
[08:25] TG: JOHN
[08:25] TG: JOHN!!!
[08:25] EB: suddenly my fingers are broken too, my skin is paper and my bones glass.
[08:25] TG: JOHN EGBERT YOURE KILING ME
[08:26] EB: it happens.
[08:26] EB: you are way too excitable for this time of morning, dave.
[08:27] TG: i have to be im at work and i gotta be excitable so i dont fall asleep
[08:27] TG: so i got music playin and im knitting and drinking some tea
[08:27] EB: i'll accept that.
[08:27] TG: you could be energized too if yall came here
[08:27] EB: i've got a pot of coffee on the table next to my bed and i have been playing threshers 2 all morning.
[08:28] EB: i need to get human games so i can stop playing this.
[08:28] EB: i.
[08:28] EB: ugh.
[08:28] TG: are you havin fun with it at least
[08:29] TG: whats wrong dude
[08:29] EB: i do.
[08:29] EB: i guess?
[08:29] EB: it just upsets me.
[08:29] TG: why?
[08:29] EB: actually a lot of things upset me lately apparently.
[08:29] EB: i'm worried about sollux.
[08:30] EB: apparently i had a family that i don't remember.
[08:30] EB: oh and we're from the same earth i accept that ok?
[08:30] EB: apparently your shades are from me.
[08:30] EB: somehow we forgot these things.
[08:30] TG: i need a second to process this
[08:30] TG: okay im starting the process
[08:30] EB: so i mean i haven't been able to talk about any of it and i'm losing my mind over it!
[08:30] TG: who told you this?
[08:31] EB: rose.
[08:31] TG: how do they know??
[08:31] EB: she's the only one that i've met that will just TELL me about myself.
[08:32] EB: she knew a john that she played that god awful game with.
[08:32] EB: her john knew a dave.
[08:32] TG: and her john gave her dave the same pair of shades i have
[08:32] TG: ?
[08:32] EB: they all played that game together.
[08:32] EB: yeah.
[08:33] TG: i have a feeling that we played that game together too
[08:33] EB: how?
[08:34] EB: everyone that has KNOWS they have.
[08:34] EB: how do you forget DYING?
[08:34] EB: or being a god or something?
[08:34] TG: when i talked to sky about some of this he basically said that what my dream was lines up with some stuff that happens in it and if youre from the same place as ME then we would have HAVE to played it together or someting like that
[08:34] TG: i think were remembering it though
[08:34] TG: since meeting each other
[08:35] EB: :/
[08:35] EB: i can barely sleep anymore, my dreams are so weird they wake me up now. i can't remember them but ugh.
[08:35] EB: they leave me in a cold sweat.
[08:36] TG: ive just been having a lot of migraines lately about all of this stuff
[08:36] EB: ugh.
[08:36] EB: yeah.
[08:36] TG: no dreams i can remember besides the one of someone giving me my shades
[08:36] TG: which is now you
[08:37] EB: when rose was telling me about the shades it hurt, and when she was trying to tell me about my family i?
[08:37] EB: i had a family, dave.
[08:37] EB: a dad.
[08:37] EB: you saw me give you your shades?
[08:37] TG: in a dream, yea, but it wasnt you in my dream just some shadowy ass lookin figure
[08:37] TG: a dad
[08:38] TG: is there any way you could find him?
[08:38] EB: he doesn't exist. the actual address on my id also does not exist.
[08:38] EB: the street does, but there isn't that number house on it.
[08:39] EB: i guess he did something shitty with baked goods and that's why i still don't like them though.
[08:39] EB: so maybe it's not that much of a loss.
[08:40] TG: i had the same thing happen to me address wise like they looked it up and theyre like shit my dude you dont exist
[08:40] TG: and that makes sense i guess
[08:40] TG: some shit like that probably stayed latent in your brain and surfaces without your control
[08:40] EB: yeah.
[08:40] EB: it still sucks!
[08:40] EB: i want him back, dave.
[08:41] EB: i'm grown now but i didn't want to be stuck in foster care for two years! i hated it.
[08:41] TG: i want you to find him so he can explain where the hell hes been all these years
[08:42] EB: he's dead.
[08:42] EB: if i remember correctly, it's been mentioned that he died.
[08:42] TG: WHAT
[08:42] TG: what the fuck
[08:42] EB: or disappeared into the game, if we really did play it.
[08:42] TG: thats even worse
[08:42] TG: but if he disappeared into the game like us wouldnt he be back if were back? this is so fucked up dude
[08:43] TG: do you think if you have a dad
[08:43] TG: that i have a dad
[08:43] TG: ?
[08:44] EB: probably! rose mentioned having a mom too i think.
[08:44] EB: or someone else had a mom. or something?
[08:44] EB: i can't tell if i know this stuff or if someone told me anymore.
[08:45] TG: i mean i guess the only thing we can do is ask rose more
[08:45] TG: if she doesnt mind?
[08:45] EB: she says she doesn't but i wouldn't want to push it.
[08:45] EB: she has a key to my apartment so if you want to meet her you could use my place.
[08:45] TG: we could talk to her together
[08:45] TG: just a meeting betwen all yall
[08:46] EB: i don't know dave she's really nervous about people still.
[08:46] EB: sort of a one on one kind of girl.
[08:46] TG: i could sit in the bathroom while we talk so she doesnt have to see me
[08:47] EB: oh my god dave no.
[08:47] EB: then we'd have to be in my bedroom!
[08:47] EB: what am i going to do, text her up and be like hey rose want to hang out in my BED?
[08:47] TG: dude weve hung out in your BED before
[08:48] EB: yeah but we're also more accustomed to that sort of thing.
[08:48] EB: she's been really alone for a long time, i don't think she's quite ready for THAT.
[08:48] TG: you have seen my shirtless bod before so were past that level of friendship
[08:49] TG: okay new plan: i can hide behind the couch while all yall are on the couch and i can talk from there
[08:50] EB: she might kill you if you do that.
[08:50] EB: but it's your ass not mine.
[08:50] EB: also your body is fine dave.
[08:50] TG: okay new plan: you can facetime me and we can talk from there
[08:50] TG: my body is,
[08:52] EB: how about this?
[08:52] EB: i talk to rose and ask if she'll meet you.
[08:52] TG: that also works
[08:53] EB: no deception and you guys can still use my place.
[08:53] EB: and dave.
[08:53] EB: your body is fine.
[08:53] TG: IT IS,
[08:53] EB: it IS, yes.
[08:53] TG: im yellin
[08:53] TG: youre too nice to me
[08:53] EB: i'm telling the fucking truth you goon.
[08:54] TG: youre STILL too nice to me you goon
[08:54] EB: if i wasn't armpit deep in my clinically diagnosed depression i would come kick your ass.
[08:56] TG: i mean i want to come over to kick your ass out of your armpit deep clinical depression but im at work and also armpit deep in my clinical depression
[08:56] EB: well look at us both stuck in this quicksand of sadness.
[09:03] TG: well pull each other out eventually
[09:03] TG: just gotta wallow for a bit til we feel better
[09:03] EB: i was doing ok until the shit hit the fan.
[09:03] EB: is it bad that it bothered me less when i didn't have friends?
[09:04] TG: i mean same but thats cause you have your own ways to deal with things and when friends get involved you feel like you gotta blab to them about everything and it messes up the coping
[09:04] TG: at least thats my theory
[09:05] EB: no.
[09:05] TG: ?
[09:06] EB: it's because i had nothing to worry about. i worked, a came home to my apartment. i ate and slept and watched movies and had nothing to think about but the next day.
[09:06] EB: now?
[09:06] EB: now i'm worried about my troll friends because they might just die for no reason.
[09:07] TG: and thats making you feel worse combined with your own stuff you got on your mind
[09:07] TG: i gotcha
[09:07] EB: i worry about my human friends because some of them are so sad that i just want to hug them and tell them it will be ok.
[09:07] EB: and yet no one wants me to care.
[09:07] EB: so i'm trying to not care.
[09:07] EB: it's hard.
[09:08] TG: hey if it means anything i want you to care about me
[09:08] TG: and i bet all your friends appreciate you caring even if it seems like they dont
[09:08] EB: congrats you're the only one that does!
[09:09] EB: between troll dave shitting on me for being empathetic and me royally fucking it with sollux i'm ?
[09:09] EB: trolls?
[09:09] EB: what are they?
[09:09] EB: why are they?
[09:09] TG: trolls are strange as hell and they have different views on emotions than humans do
[09:09] TG: makes em a bit complicated
[09:10] EB: i noticed.
[09:10] EB: apparently i messed up and started doing some weird quadrant stuff at sollux.
[09:10] EB: but it doesn't matter, he says it doesn't bother him.
[09:10] EB: (spoiler alert: it does.)
[09:10] EB: and i know it does.
[09:11] TG: i mean id be surprised if it DIDNT bother him
[09:11] EB: but if i don't say anything about it and act normal maybe it will be ok.
[09:11] TG: hes probably just making it seem like it doesnt bother him both for you and for himself
[09:11] EB: but i can't bring myself to talk to him because i don't want him to stop being my friend.
[09:12] TG: you should still at least talk to him if hes your friend dude
[09:12] TG: but i also think you should talk about the pale stuff too
[09:13] EB: i tried to.
[09:14] EB: but everyone else seems to want to get their nose so deep into my business there's no room left for me. i appreciate spanky but uh...he's way too nosy for someone i don't know.
[09:15] EB: i also don't get the subtle difference in what changes being his best friend to being his pale...whatever it's called.
[09:16] TG: theres only one way to find out and thats asking him about it
[09:16] TG: but id think it over before you do
[09:16] TG: i dont completely understand troll stuff either even though i live with two of them
[09:16] TG: and dude if you need me to back off just let me know ok
[09:17] EB: well, karkat told me he doesn't want any quadrants right now so i mean i don't want to poke that hornet's nest and bite the dust on it yet.
[09:17] EB: there's also the uh.
[09:17] EB: looming possibility that he's going to die.
[09:18] EB: so that's a thing i'm supposed to probably pretend that it doesn't bother me.
[09:18] TG: um what
[09:18] EB: he's messing with that game, dave!
[09:18] EB: and something is wrong with it! like really wrong!
[09:18] TG: nothing good ever comes from that goddamn hell game
[09:18] EB: it's not like i pour over every single post of his but i see enough to know that something bad is going to happen.
[09:19] TG: you definitely pour over all his posts
[09:19] TG: callout
[09:19] TG: and yea
[09:19] EB: i do not!
[09:19] TG: i have a bad feeling about this
[09:19] EB: he's not even denying it anymore, dave.
[09:21] TG: i think cause he realizes shit is going to hit the goddamn fan
[09:22] EB: i know.
[09:22] EB: i should just let other people do things for him.
[09:23] TG: john
[09:23] TG: why
[09:23] TG: ?
[09:24] EB: because.
[09:25] EB: i don't know anything useful to him. i don't know about the game.
[09:25] EB: i don't know anything about trolls.
[09:25] EB: or their romance.
[09:25] EB: or their society.
[09:25] EB: the more i learn the more worried i get.
[09:25] EB: the more i wish i could just pull him here.
[09:25] EB: give him a hug, tell him it's ok!
[09:25] TG: once he gets into the game he might be able to get here though
[09:26] TG: transportalizers are normally a game thing i think from what ive seen
[09:26] EB: i don't want him to ever go into that goddamn game dave!
[09:26] TG: rossea didnt play and she had to build her own
[09:26] EB: i want him to stop messing with it before it's too late.
[09:26] EB: he's going to die.
[09:26] EB: and i'm going to lose my best friend.
[09:26] EB: i'm...
[09:27] TG: john
[09:27] EB: i'm sorry.
[09:27] TG: i dont think hes going to stop messing with it
[09:27] EB: i know.
[09:27] EB: i know he's not.
[09:27] TG: so you can at least hope that he finds a transportalizer and get the hell out of there
[09:27] EB: i do hope.
[09:28] EB: but we didn't.
[09:28] EB: did we?
[09:28] EB: you died.
[09:28] TG: i
[09:28] EB: and so did our friends.
[09:28] TG: i dont know
[09:29] EB: we didn't survive that game.
[09:29] EB: not the same way other people have.
[09:29] EB: did we?
[09:29] TG: i dont think so
[09:29] TG: ?
[09:30] TG: but i dont know what happened at all
[09:30] EB: well my dream says everyone died.
-- eggBoy [EB] is now an idle chum! --
[09:42] TG: my dream says at least me died so i believe your dream
-- eggBoy [EB] is now an idle chum! --
[09:44] EB: it doesn't make it any better.
[09:45] EB: i have a lot of worries ok?
[09:45] EB: i'm sorry for suddenly dumping them on you but they just keep coming.
[09:47] TG: dude john
[09:47] TG: dont be sorry at all
[09:47] TG: were friends right?
[09:47] TG: thats what friends are for
[09:47] EB: yeah!
[09:47] EB: still.
[09:48] EB: i kind of exploded there.
[09:48] EB: hey dave.
[09:48] TG: what
[09:48] TG: ?
[09:48] EB: denny's date tonight?
[09:48] TG: of course : *
[09:49] EB: good.
[09:49] EB: because i feel like sobbing into a grand slamwich.
[10:09] TG: you can sob into as many grand slamwiches as you want bud
[10:09] EB: i can only maybe handle one.
[10:10] EB: they're kind of gross.
[10:10] TG: perfect to cry into then
[10:10] EB: exactly.
[10:10] EB: you've witnessed me crying, i'm gross.
[10:11] TG: DUDE youve witnessed ME crying
[10:12] EB: then we're even.
[10:30] TG: : *
[10:30] EB: right back at you buddy.
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> Fondly regard Psii.
we put two manipulator friends that cant hide shit because theyre trapped in the wake of the s.s trickster anon in the same room, what happens next will warm your heart
amicicidalgambler
Shit I didn't tell you congrats EITHER how RUDE.
palteringcecutiency
!!!!!!
Gosh Vriska how could you be so rude~
I'm so wounded~~
amicicidalgambler
I'm a mean and terri8le person. 8ut really, congratul8ions.
palteringcecutiency
You are but it's the enjoyable kind!! It's like playing with explosives~ Probably not wise but super fun if you're careful about it~
amicicidalgambler
Oh no, my favorite kind of compliment, how dare you.
palteringcecutiency
Too late~ You're my friend and I like you~~ You're doomed~~~~
amicicidalgambler
Very doomed. How will I ever~ survive with this privilege put upon me.
palteringcecutiency
Probably with increasing dramatics~!!
Or with a tea party~ Were you serious about that?? 'Cause it sounds like fun~!
I can bring cats~ Or try to at least lmao~
amicicidalgambler
I was! It sounds so nice. I don't know where we could have it, though. It'd 8e nice to have somewhere quiet off on our own, 8ut neither the 8ase or Nadaya's are that.
palteringcecutiency
I know allllll sorts of quiet places over here~! I usually can't stand to be around people for long!!
But Fex would freak out so bad~ I can't do that to him :c ! It'd be like someone inviting another -Empress to here for me!! I think I'd break down even like this if that happened!!
amicicidalgambler
I mean, that and he'd kill me, painfully, and you're one of the people who pro8a8ly wouldn't want that!
Nadaya let me sneak out with someone to one of my old pir8 hideouts, 8ut that was ages ago, most of them have pro8a8ly 8een taken over. That or they would 8e dusty hellholes, and like, I know *you* won't 8e offended if I say I h8 old dusty rooms too much to clean those.
palteringcecutiency
He wouldn't kill you~ I wouldn't let him!! Because I am!! I'm pretty sure you're gonna piss someone off enough to get killed some night, but I don't want it to happen so soon!! I'd miss you!!!!
Ehehehe, you're right!! I'm not at all~ But it does make this harder, whoops~
If you don't have a place~ and I don't have a place~ and Zahhak definitely doesn't have a place~~ Maybe we should start asking friends if /they/ have a place!!
amicicidalgambler
...Would you? I mean, I know you can't really lie right now, duh, 8ut that's a lot.
And we should! I don't know who to ask first, though, most of my other friends aren't the recluse or hideout type.
palteringcecutiency
Uh huh! My Serket was super annoying on Beforus, but I met her on Alternia!!
I rammed her ship with Cronus's to escape, and when she found me hiding aboard, she let me live~! Mostly as a dig to Cronus, but then she helped me get better at lying and manipulating people and how to steal super duper well!! I really liked her, and almost stayed on her crew when she offered, but she was also a super cruel and awful person and I didn't want to die~
You're like a little her~ Well duh but like~ Not as experienced~ Way less dangerous, especially with your collar~ so we can just talk!! And play manipulation games~ And be awful people together where no one will get hurt so no one gets upset at either of us~~ I really value that~
If it wasn't such a bad idea, I'd teach you what I know!! So you can get better and better, I'm already weirdly proud of what you do now~! But!! I know exactly how badly that'd go!! So I haven't been~ Sorry~ !!
I should ask Makara!! Or Cro!! They leave the universe often enough, and they like squirreling shit away just in case!! Especially Cro~ Though I don't know if he'd tell me, I bet a lot of those exist because of me!! So Makara first~
amicicidalgambler
Oh man.
Oh man.
That's a lot.
Oh man.
Fuck.
I mean
That makes sense!
There was 8asically no way you wouldn't have ran into her eventually, I just had no idea you would've
Actually met her like that.
I tried to figure this out in my notes once 8ut I can't fucking REMEM8ER them like this.
8ut I remem8er wondering, 8ecause you sound like her!
Not like a lot 8ut there's patterns, I picked up that much.
This is a lot.
I kind of h8 it.
No I don't.
You're proud of me?
I kind of wished you'd teach me 8ut I didn't think
I didn't think you'd think a8out it
And I thought if I learned from the games you'd 8e proud.
Fuck uh,
Tricksters.
palteringcecutiency
!!!! This is so cute!!!! And I'm so delighted!!!! I can't stop grinning, even more than I usually can't!!!!
Hell yeah I'm proud!!!! Super proud!! I remember the last game we played~ I was so pleased with how persistent you were~ and I had to keep stopping myself from giving you advice~~ because you were so close~ If it wasn't me, I'm super sure you could've tricked someone into giving something away!!
I even thought about telling you you were right!! Since you did so well!! But I couldn't admit how much your fixing my quirk slip meant to me~ So I didn't~
I wish I could trust you to use what I teach you to be constructive instead of destructive~~ because that's what I did with mine!! Manipulation and stealing aren't black and white bad things!! I kept Kankri safe by seeing who in the crowd was giving off the wrong tells! And to get information about highblood plans without giving up any information about ours in return, without them noticing!! And I stole so we could eat~ or to get things away from people who would hurt others with them~~
I really really want to help you with all of that!! So people stop wanting to kill you so much!!!! And you don't have to isolate yourself forever just to stay alive!!!!
But I met your ancestor~ or at least her alternate~~ and I don't want to push you farther down that road any faster~ because then we can't be friends anymore~ :c :c :c :c I might even have to hurt you to keep people I love safe~ and I really don't want to~ :c :c
But!!!! That hasn't happened yet!!!! So we can have our tea party!!!! Cae got us a hotel room and ~everything~ so we can be in the opposite of a dusty old block for our tea party!!!! Which I'm really excited about!!!!
amicicidalgambler
::::D
::::D!!!!!!!!
I mean, credit to you though, I knew I was making progress 8ut I didn't think I was doing *that* good.
And that's not 8ad! It's gr8! I've never 8een challenged like that 8efore, it was so good.
That's fair, 8ut like, damn if that isn't a hell of a pitch. Plus like, it's not like I've had much of a change of heart or anything haha no, 8ut I have ties I want to keep now, and protect with that kind of thing. Some people don't know what's happening to them until they're already dead, it's incredi8le.
So I can't promise much 8ut I don't want to do most of the shit that would keep us from 8eing friends ::::(
Especially not after this! This is the 8est, you're the 8est.
The tea party can't happen fast enough.
palteringcecutiency
!!!!!!!! That's a really really good start!!!!
Like~ I'm never going to be a goody two shoes~ like ever~
Rules and laws register as suggestions at best~ and I put way more effort into damage control than say~ not breaking the law~ because that's /boring/~ (I've broken so many laws here Vriska~ So many~ Mostly for fun~ I'm not even sure how many because I've never bothered to learn them, whoops~!)
But!!!! That doesn't mean my keeping an eye out for Kankri and his followers wasn't a good thing!! That doesn't mean attracting anons away from hurting people and talking them in circles was less helpful because it only happened because I liked the hurt person!! And if you frame it right, people will never know otherwise~
Or~ well~ they kind of already know with you~ but~! You can frame it in believable and acceptable ways!! Without even /lying/, because protecting other people~ vulnerable people~! is a really good thing!! And I can definitely teach you how to do that without upsetting people~ And I will!!!! So you know what to do so we can stay friends!!!!
And guess what???? It can happen /right now/~ and it totally should because I really want to hug you!!!! This is amazing and I'm so /happy/!!!!
amicicidalgambler
Listen to me Psii.
Listen.
Listen listen listen.
I know you like Nadaya a lot so you'd already 8e doing this 8ut we need to protect him, it's important, he's important. He's not the only person for me 8ut we can 8oth help him since he let us in somehow.
It should! 8ecause I want to hug you too!
palteringcecutiency
/We really do/~
He's so oblivious~ and trusting~ It hurts me and scares me so much~~
But it's so much easier when you have other people too~! Ones that care just as much~ And it's just as obvious that you two are close~~ So we'll make a fantastic team!!!!!!
No one gets to be awful to him~
He's /ours/~
!!!! :D!!!!
> [coordinates!]
Zahhak's with me!! So I'll drag him to a pad right now!!!! And then you're getting the gumdrops squeezed out of you!!!!
amicicidalgambler
I'll 8e right there!!!!!!!!
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> Vel / Sawbones, pt 1
#Alternate Selves#ooc eyes only#parasite mention/#slavery mention/#an incomplete log that is still in progress
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Killing Book
Aka, the Death Note movie released this year. Now, I like Death Note (the anime of course). I watched it when I was like 12 or something and it introduced to the world of gory anime. So as you can expect, I was upset at seeing this movie, seeing the wrong things in the trailer and knowing it would be even more wrong in the movie. I was interested though, as one would be interested in watching a kid harmlessly fall so you can snicker at them. I avoided the movie even if I wanted to see the train wreck it was. But tonight, at somewhere around nine pm I decided NO MORE! I shall watch the movie and tell my friend how bad it was. We’ll be calling her Friend. I skype messaged her (i know who uses skype anymore? i do. because im lazy and dont want to change to discord) while watching it. Sadly she left early because she sleeps waaaaay earlier than I do. So at some point I’m just talking to myself. Just to let you know. Enjoy my ramblings.
WARNING: Obviously lots of death is mentioned. Also, if you liked the anime of Death Note, do NOT watched this movie. It’s horrible.
So this was taken directly from skype, with VERY little editing (just small things like personal stuff etc.) and it is rude, crude and not pleasant to look at. I tend to message a lot, in segments and that is was what made this so long. You have been warned.
Me: so I'm finally watching the death note movie
Me: and I might rant at you a bit
Me: first, its set in Washington in seattle
Me: and lights fuckin blond frosted highlights
Me: why
Friend: so
Friend: 10/10
Me: its the best start a movie could ever have
Me: so light is bullied and does homework for other classmates
Me: who is this man? this isn't the light I know
Friend: maybe
Friend: maybe
Friend: just maybe
Friend: someone kidnapped him
Me: god and now he likes this fark haired girl
Me: dark
Me: light loves no one
Me: his heart is too icy to love
Me: if only he was kidnapped
Me: then at least he would break out and kill the person impersonating him
Friend: does he have the death note?
Me: yeah
Me: its so different
Me: its not the same at all
Me: its like they just took the concept and fucked it
Me: so the death note looks used even tho I pretty sure it was blank in the anime
Friend: it's for the money
Me: shit dude ryuk is in the house
Friend: is ryuk still cool thougj
Me: and light just fell over and is now running away
Me: idk we'll see
Friend: does he still freak out over apples
Me: maybe
Me: didn't ryuk show himself in lights room?
Me: cause right now he's in school at detention
Me: oh ryuk ate the apple
Friend: they met in his room
Me: welp here they met at detention
Friend: also it's to soon for light to know ryuk's obsession with apples
Me: its waaay too soon
Me: I'm 10 minutes in
Me: light didn't know ryuk for awhile
Me: not almost immediately after getting the death note
Me: also ryuk is persuading light into using it
Me: anime light did not hesitate to kill a motherfuker
Me: didn't need a demon to tell him what to do
Friend: wait
Friend: what about the chip scene
Me: oh
Me: what]
Me: the
Me: FUCK
Me: they've ruined it
Friend: THE CHIP SCENE!?
Me: wasn't it a rule that if you put someone name without a death, theyd die of a heart attack like an hour later
Me: well
Me: fuck that rule
Me: doesn't exist
Me: they die by random bullshit means
Friend: WHAT?!?!!?
Me: also
Me: no chip scene
Me: yet
Me: I'm waiting
Me: anime light waited until he got home to kill a guy
Me: but movie light was still at school and watched him die
Me: heres what happened that absolutely gets rid of the heart attack rule
Me: so a couple of kids had a basketball and dropped it when a woman's bags of groceries ripped
Me: the kid chased after the ball into the street, where a car swerved to miss him
Me: another car coming the opposite way swerved to miss the car and hit a parked car
Me: a ladder on top of the crashed car got loose and decapitated the guy whose name was written
Me: instantly after his name was written
Me: wtf happened man
Friend: -.-
Me: also
Me: apparently there are rules to the book
Me: lemme get to the scene where he looked at them
Me: but I know one of them was the holder of the death note can only hold it for 7 days
Me: wtf??
Me: in the anime anyone could have for eternity if they wanted
Friend: for as long as they lived or until they gave it up
Me: atleast his dad is still a cop
Me: but his mom is dead??
Friend: dfhnasjkfahdjkasdhf
Friend: what
Me: by getting hit by a car by the guy he killed earlier
Me: wtffffff
Me: okay
Me: okay
Me: tell me what you get from this, its rule 65 of the book
Me: "each page of the note contains the power of the whole note"
Me: wtf does that mean??
Me: ooh
Me: oooooooh
Me: wait
Me: is that the thing where you could tear a page out and it would still work?
Me: wtf you gotta word it like that man
Friend: it's as bad as tests
Me: okay I got a previous rule wrong
Me: it was rule 95
Me: anyone can write names in the note but only the keeper can have it longer than 7 days
Friend: -.- that's still stupid
Me: it is yeah
Me: I'm pretty sure a death note was supposed to have one owner
Me: I mean once you touched the paper, you were stuck with the powers until you died or gave it up
Me: also
Me: previous apparently wrote warning ramblings in the book for light to see
Me: "don't trust ryuk"
Friend: -.-
Friend: no
Me: he also said ryuk weird
Me: I say ree-yook
Me: he said rye-uhk
Friend: i'm sad
Friend: i'm pissed
Me: and that's barely 20 mins in
Friend: need bleach?
Me: still another hour and a half left
Me: god
Me: 90 more mintes
Me: ryuk is creepin in lights closet
Me: light is offering an apple
Me: ryuk is happy
Me: ooh thank god
Me: ryuk told light how to pronounce his name
Me: I don't think I could live with light always saying his name wrong
Me: ryuk looks gross
Me: haven't seen him clearly yet tho
Me: always in shadows
Friend: ryuk is cool
Me: movie ryuk is pretty chill
Me: light has killed again
Me: this time the gfather of the guy he killed ealier
Friend: is
Me: oky
Friend: is light killing innocent people
Me: heres how he died because I'm pretty sure light didn't right a death
Me: not yet
Me: so a couple knocked a salt shaker of a table at a restuarant
Me: a waiter trips on it and bumps into the dude who will die
Me: the father get knocked forward and stabs himself in the neck with a knife that he had been holding upwarrd
Me: he sprays blood all over his guests and dies
Friend: why are the deaths so convoluted
Me: ryuk cackles in the background
Me: I have no idea
Me: wow steak sounds good right now
Me: even tho I guy just died because of some
Me: a
Me: oops heres dark haired pretty girll in the bakground
Me: she talked to light
Me: wtf
Me: who is this chick
Me: she elooks like the next bella swan
Me: turner
Me: light turner
Me: and her name is mia
Me: what was the name of the blond girl who loved light?
Friend: yeah
Me: mia was her name? really?
Me: she has no idea what a death note is
Me: and light is showing it to her
Friend: fucking moron
Me: anime light would never do that
Me: mia is laughing at hime
Me: shit her name in the anime was misa
Me: not mia
Me: noe light is killing in front of mia
Me: but at least hes using the news like anime light did
Me: this movie is horrible
Friend: I wonder how they will ruin L
Friend: i might cry at that part
Me: and I will tel you every wrong thing they do
Me: so light and mia teamed up
Friend: i know you will
Me: even tho mia doesn't have a death note like anime misa did
Me: and light want to kiss her
Me: help
Me: help
Me: oh n
Me: they
Me: making out
Me: I don't want to put skype down
Me: hep
Me: me
Friend: GET
Friend: THE
Friend: BLEACH!!!!!!!!!
Me: theyre done
Me: no[e
Me: not done
Me: shit
Me: okay
Me: wait
Me: stop'
Me: they keep kissing
Me: and its inbwteen scenes
Me: so it surpried
Me: me
Friend: life has no meaning
Me: okay hang on
Me: how did light start getting called kira in the anime
Me: didn't the public start calling that?
Friend: yea
Me: well light chose it in the movie
Me: hes like
Me: I want to be kalled kira
Me: and now somehow the whole world knows
Me: agh
Me: nudity
Friend: >=c
Me: brief, dead women nudity
Me: L is helping kira?
Me: L informed kira of a club full of baddies
Friend: are you sure that's L
Me: yep
Me: subtitles label him as L
Me: here lemme send a screen shot
Me: there it is
Me: proven by the subtitles
Me: L is originally from England right?
Me: I cant tell if movie L is sitting like anime L
Friend: L is an orphan from England yes
Me: no accent
Me: move L is american
Friend: i'm sorry japan
Me: gotta apologise to the mangaka who wrote death note
Friend: who
Me: idk their name
Friend: who the hell made the decision to make them..
Me: I have no idea
Me: eath note was done and over years before they made this movie
Me: why did they make it now?
Friend: money
Me: fuck the money
Me: at least follow the god damn plot
Friend: yeah
Me: they used the right logo for L
Me: that's nice
Me: to see somethingsimilar
Me: ugh
Me: L is such a pig in the movie
Me: hes got candy everywhere and is eating it messily
Me: anime L was careful and deliberate
Friend: yeah
Me: ugh
Me: they say "fuck" is this movie too much
Friend: i'm going to bed. you can keep ranting and i will respond tomorrow
After this point, it’s just me ranting so there will be no more Me: going on. Just a series of messages one after the other.
kay
okay wait this was funny
the movie did a funny
so lights dad is meeting L in L's big fancy hideout
and lights dad has his hand held out and and ice cream is just silently put in his hand with no information about it
no one says a word about it
he just holds the ice cream
now L is speaking to a million reporters in broad daylight outside
and movie L doesn't sit exactly the same as anime L
hes in the same pose as anime L but movie L sits on his butt instead of sitting/squatting on his feet in the chair
if that makes any sense
L is calling out kira on the news
ryuk likes L
so apparently to kill using the book, you need a name AND a face
but I'm pretty sure in the anime you only needed a name
and now L isn't even sitting right
hes lounging
LOUNGING
also mia cant see ryuk even tho shes touched the note book
all the rules have been tossed out the window
mia stole the book and is killing all the investigating agents
oh siiit
mia didn't do it
ryuk did
ryuk killed 13 people
and now hes telling light to let the note go
anime ryuk didn't do this
he wanted light to have the note
mia wants to kill lights dad
so light and L have met in public
and they fightin
and light is being sooo suspicious
they've got the weather in this movie right tho
its constantly rainging
shit
mia told light she loved him
and they making out now
so if you write a name and burn the page before the person dies, theyre spared. but you can only do this once
so many dumb rules
what I don't understand is why they changed misa's name to mia
but didn't changed light's
misa is a way more normal name than light
why change it??
okay now movie L is sitting like in the anime
lights dad is beating L down
L is threatening light
and light is acting as innocent as possible
ryuk is meddling in lights plans
lemme tell you those plans
light write the name of L' assistant, having him find L's name and then tell light
but ryuk is there to screw things up
oh shit ryuk took the page with L's assisatants name on it
so mia betrayed light
light wanted to save watari
watari is L's assitant
but mia and ryuk messed that up
ooooh shiiiiit
mia did kill all those agents
she killed 13 people
not ryuk
oooh L is angry that watari is dead
and mia is trying to kill light
hope he kills her instead
L is gonna hunt light down
L is driving angrily through the streets
just rmapgaing dude
rampaging
now L is chasing light on foot
20 mins left
no chip scene (note: really sad there wasn’t any chip scene)
L is confrtoning light
but light is saved by one of his many admirerers
mia is trying to take the book
and theyre fighting at the top of a ferris wheel
light put mias name in the book
she dead
the ferris wheel deatached
so now its slowly falling
ryuk is manipulating the ferris wheel
mia is hanging out of the pod thing
light dropped her
light fell
mia died in an explosion of flowers
light landed in water
the book did too
now L' there
the page containg lights name is burning
and L saw the page buring
some old guy just picked up the washed up death note
this new guy is carrying on kira's duty while light is in a coma
now he's returning the book back to light
oh light woke up
L knows that mia was involvev
involved
lights dad knows
he knows
now light is gonna tell his dad how it works
okay wait
some exposition is going down
and you need to know what
is up
so mia wrote that light's heart would stop at midnight
so to fix that
light chose a rapist who had connections to a hospital to save light when he fell in the water, give him cpr and keep light in a medically induced coma
hospital guy commits suicide
then
light writes
a pedophile mailman gets the note book on the shore, writes criminals names to keep up the act while light is in a coma, gives the death note back and commits suicide
then he writes
when mia takes the note book from light, she falls, tears the page with lights name on it that then the page is burned, light lands safely in water and mia dies instantly when she hits the ground
L found the page with watari's name and all the agent's names
L angry at light
hes laughing crazily
L looked like he was gonna write light's name
but then the credits are going
ooh that was interesting
they showed behind the scenes stuff while playing the credits
but it was done in a way I hadn't seen before
they were like flashing it on screen inbetween credits, only a few seconds at a time
got to see how they did ryuk
which was cool
god damnit
they never showed if L wrote light's name or not
I'm guessing not
I waited through 5 mins of creits for thi
why
so light didn't kill any innocent people
huh
but mia sure did
so
my rating is 0/10
this wasn't death note
this was like like some knock off version called'killing book'
hope your happy that L is alive tho
didn't have to kill himself like anime L did
unless that was what the end implied
hang on imma see if movie L killed himself too
well Wikipedia doesn't say anything
but we all know how reliable Wikipedia is
that was a real joy ride
hope you enjoyed my ramblings
even thought half of them prob don't make sense
#Death Note#2017#Death Note 2017#Movie#Death Note Movie#Death Note Movie 2017#anime#Death Note Anime#review#rant#i hate this movie#its bad#its not like the anime or manga at all#Manga#Death Note Manga#Light Yagami#Light Turner#L#Lawliet#L Lawliet#Ryuzaki Lawliet#Ryuk#Kira#death#note
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ALSO!! ALL!! (you can skip '''brian''' if you want hsksjskssm)
we’re in for a long ride boys..... under read more im ready
Wonpil: How would you describe your personality?
i wanna just say pass but we die like men so. im pretty dang sure i have 2 personalities one for online stuff and one when im doing irl shit but lately ive been trying 2 be consistent anyway not 2 toot my own horn but im fairly nice i feel like? i send nice asks because it makes me happy seeing the responder’s answer and i try to give comments on art/fics whenever i can in tags or in the comment section so id say im fairly nice. online its easier to say i love you every second and the love is real obviously so i would say im also a big friend lover?? however ! negative time boys.. im also generally rude which is something that defines me really i used to be really sarcastic on purpose too which has somehow disappeared over the years but whatever i can be mean and i will be mean and i kind of hate that so i wanna try to stop going out of my way to be mean to people who .. well I MEAN this person is kinda asking for it their behaviour is .. disgusting so.... not that its okay to be mean on purpose though but idk man im just shady to people i dont like thats who i am unfortunately yike.. . but i will never try to be extremely mean/rude to my friends and even if i am i will make sure its in a joking manner although i do tend to get carried away so my mouth/hands move quicker than my brain and if i do make any of my pals uncomfortable please tell me so i can corrwct my ways and this got long wtf abyway 2 sum it UP i am a nice but rude person lmao also i try 2 b funny sometimes but.. .. ..
Young K: you prefer sexy or cute concepts?
im gonna answer this anyway lol day6 dont know a sexy
Sungjin: are you more of a childish friend or a mom friend?
i try 2 b the mum friend but only with bell lmao ok actually... im always asking my pals 2 go the FUCk to bed so maybe i am the mum friend... ..
Dowoon: Do you get shy easily?
ya with strangers who are most definitely 2 cool 4 me but when i warm up 2 the people im really wild lmao i was attacking jen like 3 seconds into our friendship the duality of megan
Jae: Do you wear glasses?
my middle name is glasses ive had to wear them since i was 6 bc i watched too much pokemon while sitting way 2 close to the screen im p sure im gonna go blind soon
Congratulations: When was your last relationship?
i didnt even have 1 lmao
Letting Go: Who is someone you miss very much right now?
monsta x :-( theyre grandpas so they dont use twitter as much as our children astro
I Wait: Favorite genre of music?
i dont have a favorite since i can listen to anything and find it nice lol but I really really really like day6′s music so much because i have a preference for bands and day6 make such amazing songs wtf i wait just started playing so my favorite genre? day6
You Were Beautiful: Tag your fave mutual!
if this blog was still just u and me falen youd be tagged but now i have 5 mutuals and i love all of them so im gonna have to pass
I’m Serious: Vacation on the beach or vacation by the mountains?
by the mountains? i cant even live by myself in a house id die if i went anywhere near that rocky and unstable so beach please
Dance Dance: do you know any choreographies by heart?
bits and pieces of certain songs only ive had the i need u choreo by bts (the chorus part) stuck in my mind lately bc bin sanha and mj danced to it in that one video its the best bts song ive ever heard 10/10 idk a dna (i dont even stan bts)
My Day: How long have you been a Day6 stan?
since 25/06/17 i thank boxy everyday of my life for this honestly without her i wouldve never found so many amazing people both my mutuals and the groups i now stan
EveryDay6: Fave Day6 song?
pass but bc they just released their oct tracks so id have to be when you love someone but i need somebody is cutting it real close i cant just have (1) favorite song when all their songs are so different it makes me wanna love all of them
Pink sweater: Describe the worse outfit you’ve ever worn
godt.................. so i was a big power rangers fan back in the day and i really loved the yellow ranger from the dinosaur power rangers idk the name but anyway the person wore this like.. pants? and a skirt over it ?? which makes 0 sense now bc it was jeans and a fucking ballerina skirt shit and i hate skirts but i still fucking copied her outfit bc im gay for that yellow ranger and i cant believe i went out in public wearing a skirt over jeans??? wtf was i smoking so. never again
Chicken Little: What fictional character can you relate most to?
oh bOY? i dont know man? it changes every time i get into a new thing but i feel like theres no character ive actually related to yet? ive only had favourite characters so far
Bob: What’s a nickname your friends/family call you?
my family idk man but my friends can call me whatever they want im cool
Are you a bear: What’s the weirdest question you’ve ever gotten?
my memory is so bad i dont remember anything??? um m idk fam
Terry He: How long is/was your longest friendship?
with an internet friend it was like 5 years? i cut ties with her though thankfully and with irl buds 4 years bc u knw sch.. i doubt we’ll hang out again depending on our results rip
ASC: YoungFeel or JaehyungParkIan?
i breathe jaehyungparkian
thank you sosoosososos much for asking falen wt f i love you my soulmate.. no lie tho the question i was looking forward to the most was the last one
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ACT OMEGA PART 9
THE 25/10/16 UPDATE
WOW, third update in one day? I must be extremely bored or something. Anyways, I think we’re just gonna start this up without the big fucking intro part. Lets just. do this.
Come on you gay fucks, make up and KISS.
G U Y S. Also Jake, look at Dirks face not his ass.
OH man Jake looks sad and awkward.
DIRK: (Son of a fuck.)
DIRK: (That was you trying to get me to leave you alone, wasn’t it?)
JAKE: (I... well.)
DIRK: (It’s fine. I get it, finally.)
DIRK: (You don’t want anything to do with me, or this awkward dance we’ve been doing around each other.)
No damMIT, don’t leave him alone. you need to MAKE UP. not avoid eachother.
DIRK: (And I was convinced I'd actually try giving you some space so you wouldn’t have to deal with my overbearing bullshit anymore. Yet here I am.)
DIRK: (Honestly, I’m not even sure why.)
DIRK: (I just had this impulse to try and smooth things over with you by offering some sort of half-assed congratulations.)
You’re on the right track DIRK! You’re almost there, but instead of giving him a shitty congratulations, you need to work out whatever the your problem is dammit.
DIRK: (Sorry for making you uncomfortable for a solid 10 minutes by stringing that conversation along.)
DIRK: (I’ll go bother someone else.)
JAKE: (Dirk, wait!)
DIRK: (What?)
DIRK: (You don’t need to humor me. Or worry about hurting my feelings, or whatever.)
DIRK: (You’re not obligated to care about any of that anymore.)
DIRK: (That ship has sailed.)
A A . AH GH DF Dirk you BUTT, just listen to the fuckin hope child.
pft thanks jake.
JAKE: (Thats not... oh pussyfeathers!)
JAKE: (This is exactly the problem!)
DIRK: (Uh.)
DIRK: (It is?)
JAKE: (Im so lousy at saying what i mean and then you put all of these words in my mouth and i have no idea how to make you understand!)
YES JAKE THIS IS PrecISELY THE PROBLEM!
JAKE: (Maybe because i hardly understand myself...)
DIRK: (...)
JAKE: (This is all so difficult to parse. I am utterly fucking bamboozled by everything thats happened today.)
JAKE: (Ive tried to politely get everything to hold its damn horses for perhaps ten friggin minutes but no!)
JAKE: (Those stallions shot right out of the gate with forceful gusto and ive been trying to keep from being trampled underneath their thundering hooves this entire time!)
JAKE: (There are SO MANY PEOPLE here.)
JAKE: (And while im sure theyre all perfectly upstanding folk i have no clue how im supposed to TALK to any of them.)
JAKE: (Especially when i cant even bring myself to engage with those whom i actually KNOW.)
JAKE: (Because im certain there are a plethora of things i need to apologize for but im still puzzling out what exactly they are.)
Damn, I know the feeling Jake. When you know you’ve done something wrong, and you have no fucking clue what it is, yet somehow that makes you feel even GUILTIER because you think you SHOULD know what you did wrong.
DIRK: (Jake...)
JAKE: (Honestly ive been resigning myself to the possibility of never speaking to anyone ever again!)
JAKE: (Considering im such a dunce theres no way ill ever be able to figure out how to make things right with you or jane.)
JAKE: (And if i badger roxy ill no doubt botch things up with her too somehow.)
Dont be ridiculous Jake, I honestly doubt there’s any way for Roxy to ever hate you.
JAKE: (So whats the point?)
JAKE: (Im never going to be a good friend let alone a good anything... more than that.)
JAKE: (So ive already accepted that im really just a waste of space and i ought to spend the rest of my life keeping out of everyones way.)
DIRK: (Holy shit, Jake. What?)
JAKE: (Its just the simplest solution for everyone involved. Im fine with it!)
Jake you BUMFUzZLING BAFOON. COme on, get a goddamn grip on yourself.
JAKE: (I was perfectly willing to mind my own beeswax and allow the rest of you to mind yours and make myself scarce when the opportunity arose.)
JAKE: (But then you ambled up to me and put that plan on ice.)
DIRK: (Jake.)
JAKE: (Which has had me reeling for the past little while let me tell you!)
JAKE: (I dont know what to do because im getting the vibe that perhaps you still want to be friends? Though I cant even begin to guess why!)
JAKE: (And im so conflicted because theres a part of me that does want to give the whole friendship thing another go even though i know its bound to end in disaster.)
DIRK: (Jake-)
JAKE: (But if im really going to commit to that mad gamble, it feels like this might be my only real chance to try and patch things up between us!)
JAKE: (Except im so blasted TIRED! And even thinking about fumbling through that conversation with all of these people around makes me want to curl up into ball and...)
JAKE: (And embarrass myself.)
JAKE: (Though attempting to salvage my pride at this point seems a fools errand. Nobody can possibly take me seriously while im NOT WEARING ANY FUCKING PANTS.)
DAMMIT JAKE NOWS NOT THE TIME TO BRING UP YOUR BEAUTIFUL ASS
DIRK: (...)
DIRK: (Ok.)
JAKE: (Im sorry dirk i just cant right now. I cant. Its too much!)
JAKE: (I know its so typical of me to chicken out and disappoint you.)
DIRK: (Dude-)
JAKE: (Sakes alive i cant believe i just went on and on like that what am i doing???)
You’re VENTING, Jake. It’s perfectly natural and everybody should be able to do it.
DIRK: (Ok!)
DIRK: (Jake, I hear you!)
DIRK: (You can stop, now.)
DIRK: (The fact that you managed to whisper all that was pretty impressive.)
Yeah no shit. Like, how in the fuck was that a whisper?
DIRK: (But let’s take it down a notch. Like, to breathe.)
JAKE: (...)
DIRK: (Are you ok? Maybe we should sit down or something.)
JAKE: (No i... everyone else is standing.)
DIRK: (I don’t really care, and nobody else should either. Your legs look like they’re about to give out.)
JAKE: (Im really fine and can we please not talk about my legs.)
... dammit jake
DIRK: (Shit, sorry. Sure thing.)
JAKE: (But. Maybe sitting isnt such a terrible idea.)
It isnt. its the best idea. sit down and TALK.
There you go, much better. Now dont fall.
DIRK: (Feeling any better?)
JAKE: (A smidgen...)
JAKE: (Are people looking at us?)
DIRK: (Not sure. Probably not. But even so, you aren’t the only one who could use a breather. I’m sure they understand.)
JAKE: (Ok...)
DIRK: (So.)
DIRK: (Sorry for putting words in your mouth. Looks like you already had plenty of your own in there.)
JAKE: (...)
DIRK: (I mean, like. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m actually kind of glad you told me.)
DIRK: (I’m going to be real with you here and say I’m more than a little concerned about some of what you just said.)
Yes, this is GOOD. Dirk’s realizing that MAYBE Jake has problems of his own.
DIRK: (But I get you’re not in a position to talk about it right now. And, hell, there are probably better people to hash that shit out with than me.)
DIRK: (You don’t have to say anything else. Especially not about... well, us, I guess.)
DIRK: (I don’t know about a lot of the other stuff, but I’m perfectly willing to save opening up that particular can of worms for later.)
DIRK: (I’m... probably not ready for that conversation either. So it’s most likely for the best.)
DIRK: (Being perfectly frank, I’m also not exactly enthusiastic about this crowd. I’m not really used to having this volume of people around.)
DIRK: (And I guess we’re both kind of at a loss when it comes to approaching them all. I demonstrated my lacking conversational chops earlier I think.)
DIRK: (I knew it was a bad idea. But I came over here anyway.)
DIRK: (Mostly because... I think I just really wanted to talk to you.)
DIRK: (I guess old habits die hard.)
DIRK: (Or in this case, ridiculously young ones.)
JAKE: (Um...)
DIRK: (Right. Getting to the point.)
DIRK: (Whatever you may be thinking about yourself, I can pretty much guarantee you I don’t agree.)
DIRK: (But I’m going to put that aside for now and just say that yeah, I really do still want to be friends.)
DIRK: (If there’s some part of you that’s willing to give it a shot, I want you to promise me something.)
JAKE: (Ok. What is it?)
DIRK: (That you’ll put all that bullshit about cutting ties with everyone aside, at least for long enough to talk about this stuff properly later.)
Good, GOOD, they’re both not being idiots anymore. this is good. because holy shit that was awkward. they’re just gonna work out all their problems, and not be dumb shits over it.
DIRK: (It doesn’t even need to be with me. But just... somebody. I mean, don’t you want to talk to your grandma, dude? You’ve been pen pals for ages. And now she’s right there.)
JAKE: (That, um... Yes actually. That does sound nice.)
DIRK: (Good.)
DIRK: (Maybe we ought to wrap this up, then.)
DIRK: (Or am I wrong in thinking you still want some space?)
JAKE: (So long as were all on this platform i doubt ill be getting very far with that either way.)
DIRK: (True.)
JAKE: (What i could really use is a NAP!)
DIRK: (I feel that.)
DIRK: (But it might have to wait a bit longer.)
DIRK: (Think you can manage until then?)
JAKE: (Probably?)
DIRK: (And just to make things crystal clear...)
DIRK: (Until we get our shit together enough to actually talk about, well...)
DIRK: (You know what.)
DIRK: (Are we cool?)
JAKE: (I think so.)
DIRK: (Thank fuck.)
Thank fuck indeed. I realize I didn’t say a whole lot during all this, mainly because I’m indifferent to this whole conversation. I’m not realizing anything new about them other than that they were really annoying when they tried avoiding the subjects. in a weird adorable awkward kinda way.
Yes, there we go, fucking SMILE.
DIRK: (C’mon.)
DIRK: (Let’s go claim our reward.)
GO get’em tiger.
Alright, that was the end of their interaction! It was a little boring to read over, so that kinda made it tedious. not because the act omega team wrote it bad! i just never really cared much for either of these characters. BUT that’s fine. just personal preference and shit. BUT NOW WE GET A CHARACTER INTERACTMENT IVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO.
Here we are aN HOLY SHIT JADES EYES. I dont know what it is about them, they just look off.... HMMmm..
JADE: (hey rose?)
ROSE: (Oh, hello Jade.)
8D THEY FINALLY MEET
ROSE: (I see you’ve finally woken from your nap.)
JADE: (yeah!!! thank goodness!)
JADE: (now i can finally give you a proper nice to see you hug!)
OH YES HUG HER NOW JADE
ROSE: (Is that so?)
ROSE: (Well, It would be remiss of me to refu-)
8D....
thats the end of this update. I suppose I can ship them next time So yeah, expect a fourth update today.
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