#but i feel as though i always initiate

[grey-has-rusted]

^me when i am a sensitive person

#ramblings #i hate feeling lonely #it literally hurts my heart #i have such a hard time forming connections both irl and online #idk how many times ive cried just this past month bc i felt lonely #and even when i am included in things im always an after thought #its been months but im still thinking about stupid christmas #i know the whole point isn't to get gifts #but i got one present. while i spent hundreds of dollars getting my family gifts #they even asked me what i wanted too #helped my cousin decorate for her christmas party and last minute i found out it was a secret santa #i got invited but was the only one not included in that #so yeah.... #i dont have anyone to celebrate holidays with #my birthday was sad #i cried then too #not looking forward to tomorrow either #and i try to make friends and talk to people #but i feel as though i always initiate #and nobody seems interested in talking to me #which... i dont expect everyone to like me #but it really does hurt and it makes wonder what's wrong with me #also why cant my brain focus on something else #like doing something productive #its been ages since ive drawn anything #ive just been sad. that's the whole post. #bye now

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Turtle Takedown Teamwork.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #tulu xuanwu #Something about changing the action sequence to something gentle is hilarious to me. #The lesson here is “Be nice to turtles. They are gentle creatures. And many are very endangered.” #don't get me wrong here; I love this scene a lot. LWJ's string technique is one of my favoyrite things. #We do get a fair amount of LWJ fighting but I always loved how the theme of strings comes into play. #There is actually a lot to unpack with LWJ being associate with 'strings'. #The musicianship: Of dedication and rigor in one's practice. #The tension between following along a path or composing your own way forwards (playing what has been written vs composing) #A string is a tightly coiled/taunt entity; The same tension that makes it sing so beautifully can be it's downfall if pushed too hard. #And as a non-musical string - something that binds. Be it to his sect and family or how he binds his fate to WWX - #LWJ cannot exist without his binds. It is not something which ties him down though. It keeps him together. #And he himself *is* a bind. He 'ties wwx down' in ways that are initially negatively viewed ('come to gusu' - feels like: come be trapped) #But later it is shown how (despite being introduced as a free spirit) WWX truly wants to be bound to something and someone. #Marriage is a bind he wants. He wants to be tied and grounded by LWJ. #It's starting to sound like innuendo. Let's call his fondness for being literally tied up smart thematic writing. #Finally. Sex scenes that are important to the plot and characters

[makotonaegiunderstander]

something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.

“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”

#makoto naegi #Danganronpa character analysis #Danganronpa #danganronpa thh #danganronpa future arc #I fucking love Makoto Naegi man. #I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known #he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said #he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky #he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did #if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world. #he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done #and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend. #I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though #post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do #it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to #and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc #he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions #I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse #and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate #and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable. #honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually #I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself #that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels #it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it #it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic #anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for #the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!

[stardestroyer81]

yo congrats on that P rank :D

⭐ STAR P-RANK SCREEN REAL??? ⭐

Oh my gosh, thank you!!! For context, last night I completed the Noise Update and absolutely refused to take down Pizzahead until I P-Ranked him— it took a little over an hour of nonstop attempts, and I only ended up making it to phase three two or three times, though I'm pleased to announce that I've P-Ranked all bosses as both Peppino and The Noise!

I thought I'd doodle a quick something to go along with the superb P-Rank screen you drew! While I've still yet to conceptualize Star Tower's P-Rank screen (I have a general gist of how it's going to look and I've only drawn complete art for the D-Rank screen), I'm absolutely going to reference facets of your own if I may, especially the star spotlight; that's probably my favorite detail!!! ⭐👾✨

#Mail Time with Star #⭐ Star's Art ⭐ #Star Tower #Pizza Tower #Pizza Tower AU #The Noise #Star Splitscreen #Peppino Spaghetti #Aseprite #Sprite Art #Coolness #Seriously though I can't get over how cool that P-Rank screen is. I deeply appreciate you drawing such a cool piece!!! #Initially I wasn't going to P-Rank Pizzahead at all seeing the third phase includes a particularly distressing sprite #Those who know know. Those who don't... it involves the Doise and I suggest you not go looking for it if you're sensitive like me #But I just felt COMPELLED to go out with a bang once I reached Pizzahead. And besides I could always look away once said sprite comes up #And seeing as I barely made it to the third phase I didn't have to see it repeatedly #I feel like I have it in me to 101% the game as Peppino and Noise though it's going to take a lot of practice #I've yet to match my bestie Pan's gamer panache in P-Ranking every level #But for now? P-Ranking every boss as both characters will do just fine!

[moe-broey]

Got inspired to revisit this FEH comic redraw I did when it first dropped! Specifically these panels:

Ended up freestyling that second Xane though LMFAOO he is just so impish to me...

If you wanna get Old Art Jumpscared I'll also include the original sketch under cut!

AAAAAAAAA JUMPSACRE AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

In a way though, I'm glad that I dropped it and picked it up again later... like I feel like this isn't even from that long ago (guy who has no sense of the passage of time voice), but the characterization and even design of Moe is so different. The Scrunch and :< face were game changers for it LMFAOOO (also just making it autisticer 👍)

Beyond that I think everyone looks a lot better and closer to how I envision them, esp Loki!

#fire emblem #feh #please do not the moe. it doesn't like it :( #TRIED. to capture that really pretty hair gradient that's in loki's mythic but idk if i got it #i am really satisfied w the little changes i made to xane's pallette though! his halloween alt is just. So Red LMFAO #WHICH. UNDERSTANDABLE. that is his signature color. i feel like just a few changes pull it together more though #which does tempt me to do a full body art of him...... but don't hold me to it LMFAO #ALSO DAMN....... moe interactions with other charas that aren't the askr siblings/unofficial extended family....... #like in universe it probably happens frequently/casually but. it's rare for me to actually draw it LMFAOO #i just.... always have the askr siblings on my mind....... #also i am just deeply in love w alfonse here like. this WAS the initial pose i was imagining when i first drew this #i ended up cropping it so much though. wasn't as skilled in Drawing Really Small yet #also just. i feel like there's more layers here w the updated moe characterization like. he's not just In Too Deep for the summoner #he knows it really doesn't like that (being touched ESP without warning/permission). #like beyond his own feelings he has a reason to be so intensely protective. which i'm also sure #is what he tells himself. #they just have a really funny dynamic. that i hope shines through every now and again! 😅 #fe alfonse #fe xane #fe loki #moe tag #summoner oc #my art #my comics

[citrusflowerss]

i feel like people wouldn’t have been so shitty in regards to violet if the game was more transparent about the issues within violet and minerva’s relationship before she was taken.

like i’m pretty sure the game developers did mention how vi wasn’t really getting the treatment she should’ve been (??) in the relationship, and you do see it in certain scenes, but those scenes are mostly in the romance violet route, so people who already decided to hate her and only play the louis route didn’t get to see them.

#like okay she IS a lil mean when you first meet her but i just took that as her humour #like even one of the game devs said they wrote the dialogue for when she first speaks to clem based on how they feel like she’d flirt #but even though she loved minnie you could totally tell there was something wrong there IMO #her being so shocked that clementine likes her #her being so nervous to ask to dance #and to initiate a kiss in that once scene #basically saying shes never been able to dance w anyone made me go ??? bc if shes always wanted to and she was dating minnie why couldnt she #which leads me to think minnie either shot her down or she felt like she couldnt ask #which are both equally as sad #and dont even let me mention the captured vi route #shes so misunderstood #twdg #twdg s4 #clementine twdg #violet twdg #violentine #minerva

[hannahwatchesbigbrother]

The Dr. Pepper cup (aka Cory’s ghost) has now cursed Bowie Jane and she now has no chance of winning the season. May she hope the ghost takes mercy on her.

(All jokes aside, I need to acknowledge that their takes are WEIRD. Really weird. Matt is weird. Bowie and Jag are weird for encouraging it. Production is weird for encouraging it. I am just so dumbfounded that they could possibly say that Matt and Reilly is a more real showmance than the one that actually confessed that they love each other. I— 😶)

#also Bowie wasn’t winning anyway but I wanted to make the joke #anyway I hope they feel dumb when they exit the show #like they’ll see that cory and America had a true connection #and they’ll also see that they always considered them friends and never talked half the amount of shit that they talked #I hope Reilly sees that this a red flag too and even though it’s easy to be manipulated by the clout she should trust her initial instinct #anyway #bb25

[grimxark]

some more designs for my mlp/tf au!

Ironhide, Elita 1, whirl and Bee

#im going a bit crazy with these #i was initially going to make bee a flier but i feel his horns are a bigger character trait #im always open to suggestions though #i also kind of dont like bees design. i was gonna make him brown but making him yellow feels more. faithful? idk. #maccadam #transformers au #mlp au #what do i even tag this au to #elita-1 #idw whirl #bumblebee #ironhide #my art

[cheekblush]

i'd rather be friendless than to constantly have my boundaries disrespected

#i am so frustrated and annoyed rn #at the beginning of this year my ex best friend reached out to me and i cautiously let her back into my life #things were going great but now she turned a harmless topic into a full blown discussion even though i told her multiple times that i no.. #.. longer want to discuss this matter but she kept going & then accusing me of continuing the discussion as well #and tbh i really should've stopped engaging with her messages much sooner but it's so annoying when someone sends you lots of messages with #their opinion although i mentioned several times that i want to drop the topic & then i'm just expected to shut up lol #she didn't respect my wish to move and made a huge fuss about nothing #i stopped replying to her since yesterday bc i really had enough & i should've just left her on read much sooner #but her messages were truly annoying me #her last message now says that we often have different opinions & she thinks she's more optimistic than me & that makes it hard for her to.. #talk to me..... i was so dumbfounded when i read that this morning #our initial conversation was about whether a song is more pop or rnb....... & she twisted that into me being negative lmao #she was so obsessed with being right that she couldn't drop the topic even though i told her how exhausting the convo was for me #and like it's such an irrelevant topic... imagine being that obsessed with always being right 😭 #idc anymore i'd rather be a negative bitch than someone who disrespects others' boundaries <3 #i thought she changed for the better but she's so self-righteous opinionated & stubborn it's awful #i calmly told her that her behavior is bothering me & we easily could've just moved on but she kept going on and on #and she herself admitted that it's one of her flaws that she always has to be right & she's being petty & yet she didn't stop 🤡 #even writing all this down feels so silly to me bc the initial topic was sooooo trivial #am i supposed to feel sorry for thinking a song was rnb rather than pop???? like go touch some grass please #she even sent me a screenshot of the wikipedia page of the song to prove that it's rnb & it literally said synth pop & rnb lol #but i wasn't even mad about that her not respecting my wish to drop the topic & move on even though i said it multiple times really pissed.. #me off though.... like girl just let it go it's not that deep!!! #but apparently i'm negative & pessimistic for having a different opinion than her 🤷🏼‍♀️ #like imagine starting a fight over smth SO IRRELEVANT but i'm the negative one sure lmao #okay i just needed to get this off my chest bc i don't have anyone to talk to about this & it's just ridiculous to me #☁️

[elftwink]

been learning to play ironsworn (gritty fantasy ttrpg which you can play with a gm but is mostly suited for solo or small group co-op gmless play) after having the rulebook pdf for several years (stars finally aligned to remove invisible thing blocking me from reading it idk) because i'm on another solo ttrpg kick & i don't know what took me so long to get around to this game because it genuinely is exactly what i was looking for. years ago when i was playing through solo 5e modules i should have just been playing ironsworn (believe it or not, 5e isn't very suited to solo play and is extremely clunky when you try lol).

also though i have dabbled in some other solo ttrpgs, a considerable amount of them are journaling games which is fun but imo considerably more work (usually by the time i'm a quarter of the way through the journal entry, i know how to entire scene played out and i want to move on to the next gameplay thing, so i get frustrated and bored quickly. it feels like when you solve a level in a video game but don't have the coordination to pull off the necessary move so you have to spend 20 extra minutes doing something you already figured out), so i really appreciate like not needing to write something for the game to progress (ive been taking notes for my own record since im playing solo and thus am not really out loud roleplaying the way you do in a group, but i definitely could do that instead and not take notes and the game would still function perfectly)

& ive been playing by myself but also in the past ive played a lot of ttrpgs in very small groups which has been other games but is mostly dnd and like. we also should have been playing ironsworn so that having a gm was not necessary. have definitely played games where we had to adapt the rules soooo much to do something that is just base game included in ironsworn. plus it's rules-light enough to do pretty complex moves that pose difficulties in bulkier games (ever introduced someone to dnd and they tell you they want to do a sick backflip and catch something and then attack and you have to tell them that will require several different consecutive rolls and some creative liberties with how the rules are 'supposed' to let you move? you can just Do That in ironsworn. use the strike move and describe it. done!)

the one thing is that although it's rules-light enough to theoretically play any setting or genre (some with more difficulty than others), ive found so far that like... the grittiness and sense of threat is very built into the mechanics so that would be sort of difficult to work around or change (but i think it's great from a game design perspective). what i mean is like, okay: you start with 5 max hp. there isn't really a way to raise this max hp, you just slowly gain abilities (assets) that make you less likely to have to lose the hp in the first place, or that make it easier to recover. when you encounter foes, you rank them on a scale of 1 -5, and enemies on the lowest side of this scale do one harm to you, while enemies on the highest side do five harm to you. so even though encountering an epic enemy won't always be deadly due to the assets you have, they are ALWAYS capable of taking you down to 0 hp with one good hit. so the feeling of threat is much more present compared to games where your character starts to be able to just tank and push through a failure or huge threat.

admittedly also i'm playing solo, im still learning how to balance combat, and also i built a character who has NO combat talents and iron (the close quarters fighting stat) is one of my lowest stats so i personally am under much more threat than if you built a character who knew how to fight or who could do deadly harm. but also the other thing about combat is it's extremely difficult to maintain control of the fight; you have to score a strong hit to do it on basically all moves, and there's a really limited pool of moves available when you don't have the initiative, and obviously none of them really favour you. i don't know that this makes combat genuinely more difficult, but it does make you feel like the fight is always about to spiral out of your control. every second you let it drag without decisive action feels like it brings you closer to dying. like i said, this is a feature of the game design and not a problem in any way. just thinking about it because when i was initially learning i was going to try to supplant it into a homebrew fantasy world of my own but the tone just wouldn't be right. and that it is somewhat difficult to replicate the kind of worlds that i typically play or run for dnd, which tend to lean somewhat sillier and definitely much higher fantasy

but i like to try new things and tbh especially in dnd i find that i very rarely feel that sense of threat and when i do feel it, it has nothing at all to do with the actual mechanics and reality of the combat and everything to do with how well the dm sells it to me and makes it sound and feel scary and dangerous. which is a testament to what a good gm can do for you but i do appreciate the threat feeling more built-in and also being actually real.

#good idea generator #kas plays ironsworn #am giving it a tag because i will continue to talk about this. its my blog #idk i just find in dnd like. players often FEEL threatened WAY before they actually are threatened #which makes it really hard to balance combat because players treat evenly matched fights like hopeless death traps #so instead they do underleveled combat that feels boring for some hard to pin down reason #but like. the reason is even though you're nervous about the dm's description and the things the monsters can do #there is no real threat. especially in bigger parties where the players DOMINATE action economy. they are always in control #so of course it gets boring. it drags out so everyone can take their turn but it never forces you to make difficult choices #or to totally exhaust all your abilities. after awhile the combats start to feel same-y #because even if the monster is different. you never have to do anything different to defeat it #ofc this is a subjective assessment and also if youre reading this and we play dnd together this is not a gripe abt our table i love u #i think it's really easy to get trapped doing this esp in tables which like rp more than combat #because its also like. once you're used to a certain balance of combat if your dm suddenly threw you a big one #you assume that this is a uniquely large threat in the narrative as well (rather than a rebalancing attempt) #and treat it accordingly. which is to say with way too much caution because it isnt actually that big of a threat #so then as a dm when you have to maintain the feeling of threat and the mechanical threat #(especially when sometimes the mechanical line between 'cakewalk' and 'tpk' is razor thin #and is more about the initiative order and luck than anything else) #you start to prioritize the feeling of threat. which is imo the right call always #but its just after awhile when you feel the threat but nothing ever happens to anybody. the dissonance starts to affect the table #also balancing dnd combat as a dm is really hard and often requires a LOT of on the fly adaptation #because sometimes the CR is useless and you don't know how it's gonna do until the dice are on the table already #anyway. my point is that im enjoying how ironsworn handles this problem

[kiro-sveta]

Some cozy camp vibes for @ameliarobiniii, because they introduced me to Laid Back Camp some time ago, and it's delightful, and I wanted to draw something warm and nice for them!

#rin shima #nadeshiko kagamihara #laid back camp #yuru camp #my art #gift art #always want to draw all the nice things for friends lol #also initially drew this in grayscale too (because colors have been a struggle lately) #but it didn't look quite right so i added a few colored overlay layers #wanted to kinda give it a comfy old photo feel but not sure i succeeded lol #had a lot of fun drawing it though! #and hope this is okay! #and thanks again for reccing laid back camp a while ago #kiro draws #yurucampart

[kkujo]

something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍

#like if i see one more nt being like hyperfixation this hyperfixation that SHUT UP!! YOU HAVE AN INTEREST #talk to me when you stay up until 6am every night bc you can't fucking sleep bc ur thinking about it. #talk to me when you can't process emotions in a normal healthy way because you can only relate it back to your hyperfix #paired w madd especially it's IMPOSSIBLE to be normal about shit i swear 2 god because the second i'm upset or lonely it's straight back to #immersing myself in another world and being someone else and not facing my emotions instead letting 'someone else' deal with them #not just negative emotions yk it's anything it's fully immersive to the point i end up not knowing exactly who i am myself bc i'm rarely #myself in my head yk #and it's so isolating #and this is why i get mad when people use these terms lightly bc they don't fucking get it #oh you're hyperfixated? oh you're delusional? you're delulu? watch this #< guy who has delusions that all of his friends secretly hate him bc he's too insane abt xyz media and who feels alone bc no one else is as #into it even though it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to be #like i'm constantly questioning whether all my friends are secretly against me & finding me annoying anytime i talk about it but it's fine #it's so fucking isolating #i'm not losing my hyperfix yet thank god but i am in the stage of like realisation where the initial euphoria has worn off and i'm like #fuck no one else gets it. no one else is thinking about it like i am. and it's so lonely #< like not to sound like 'i'm 14 and no one gets me' or i'm not like other girls or whatever 😭 #it's not me being dramatic i genuinely. know that no one else is spending every waking moment thinking about the things i am the way i do #and it's so incredibly depressing i can't even explain it in a way that will make sense #because i want to talk about it so fucking bad and i can't. even to my friends and gf who always listen i end up feeling annoying #and then i get genuinely delusional not like tiktok girl voice delulu like i genuinely start questioning my entire reality #just if i talk about something a little too much #bc i'm convinced i'm fucking annoying and no one gets it and they're thinking bad things about me #but i know they wouldn't. but it feels like they are #idk #anyways !

[stardustedknuckles]

It's been so long since I've had to exist within a group of people consistently over many days and damn, I nearly forgot I was autistic. I found out yesterday that though I get along with almost everyone at work, most of my coworkers thought I was a huge bitch who hated everyone for a little bit (and one still does, which is how this whole thing came up at all). I was bewildered like. No I'm very often dizzy or in a bit of pain and I'm very focused on taking care of the dogs but I'm not - I don't dislike any of you? I've never been mad at you, you guys thought I was mad?? Just an alarming disconnect between the way I see myself and the way I come off to others. I have never once gotten the hang of behaving like a regular person, but it appears that time has taken me from "generally silly person with an offbeat sense of humor who doesn't take things seriously" to "stoic hardass who doesn't like you and thinks you're stupid also." I did not authorize this change. It's throwing me for a loop. I feel like I'm 6 again being told to stop talking over people's heads because I just learned a new big word and I wanted to use and share it. I like assholes with a heart of gold in media. I don't want to be one??

#Like I've essentially been locked alone in a room for three years almost four due to the pandemic #And before that my big job was working in a warehouse where we mostly worked separately #But I remember the times we did socialize I fit in #But I also remember my coworkers were all nerds and that helped #Like idk I feel like I've been sleeping for years and woke up to being a different person #I know it's been hard for me to manage migraines and such (though it's getting easier or I'm just in a good proud period) #But damn #Everyone I've talked to at work figured out pretty quickly that I really can be fun to talk to #But this one girl is avoiding me and I think it's because I was stressed on Thanksgiving day #And probably went from an unknown to a definite asshole in her mind #So I need to talk to her but having it explained to me last night like #'I told her it's not anything personal and you're just kind of like that with everyone' and I was like #Fuck! Am I awful to interact with initially?? Or worse - always until you adapt?

[quirinah]

SLAY THE PRINCESS (chewing on drywall)

#oh my god the way this game has been festering in my brain since i watched rts playthrough of it ITS SO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I LOVE COSMIC HORROR AND SELF AWARE TIMELOOPS AND THE ENDLESS FUTALITY OF THE NARRATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I LOVE BIRD MEN AND GIANT MONSTER WOMEN AND NARRATORS WITH PERSONALITY!!! #sorry im normal. #quirinahscreams #no but i also love the voices of the main character and how the choices you make determine which one of them shows up (saying nonsense) BUT #ALSO HOW THEY EACH HAVE THEIR OWN SKILLS? IF THAT MAKES SENSE #like the stubborn and the hunted's affinity for combat/survival in the beast route or paranoids autonomic nervous system thing #she heart on my lungs till i liver nerves #I WISH IC OULD SAY MORE BUT SPOILERS BUT ALSO RAGHHH. they werent lying it really is a love story (gripping table so tightly it splinters) #THE WAY THE FIRST CABIN RUNTHRU IS LIKE UR DEFAULT SLATE AND THEN THE CHOICES YOU MAKE SLASH HOW YOU PERCEIVE THE PRINCESS IN THAT ROUTE #AFFECT WHAT SHE APPEARS AS TO YOU LATER #EVEN DOWN TO TAKING THE KNIFE #how shes docile and initially innocent if you dont take it but calculating and dangerous if you do #or depending on how you die she reappears as vengeful or simply cruel or resigned etc and then different voices show up to compliment that #i always feel so lame giving faceless characters visual appearances though its part of the mystique intrigue or whatever #but my boring hc for the mc is that hes like a harpy. a la howl movingcastle type beat but i also love birdman mc #its just that i wasnt paying attention earlier and imagined him as like a generic fairytale prince/knight and then realized oh he has TALON #I NEED TO SHUT UP OH MY GOD BUT ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO DRAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moe-broey]

Also I underestimated how difficult doing Fatesawakening-esque portraits for Moe would be because that Thang emotes with its whole fucking body. Like I feel like if you go through all my drawings (ref sheet/more recent drawings where you see it more in action, esp my comics), you see the emotion (or something more complicated) in more than in just its expressions. It's in the body language, and silly hair physics.

Plus that isn't even factoring in attempting to pin down just a few "main" emotions -- which is already a fucked up and difficult thing to do with Moe specifically, because sometimes the way it emotes outwardly doesn't match what its saying or feeling internally!!! And it is just extremely expressive in general (except for when it isn't.)

My guy is so restricted by this format it's so sad. Like an animal in an enclosure that is not suited for it 😔

#moe tag #summoner oc #well it was an interesting study! #esp to compare and contrast the initial emotions i sketched out for the ref sheet vs #the way moe has sort of naturally grown into itself/expressing itself in A Setting w other charas #and esppp in comparison to mani. a lot of my mani stuff is behind the scenes LMFAO i am particular about it #but one thing is mani's mannerisms/emoting is even 'worse' than moe's. when it comes to things Not Matching Up. #i am always thinking about it. the effects of autistic masking in its peak and how emotions/expressing them #is just so fucking difficult. or simply just different. when you're autistic. #i was gonna try more portraits but. i don't feel too compelled actually it feels too restrictive 🥲 #the initial one i drew through is a good candidate for an icon though.... #my art

[plulp]

guys i'm so sorry i write so much i promise i'm trying to get better at it 😣 i just have so much to say all the time but i promise i'll try to tone it down since i don't want to clutter your dashes

#germaphone #i feel so bad i write 15 page essays every time i sit down to talk about something #it's insane #sorry my tags are just whole blocks of text too #i'm sorry if you ever open them and it's just an entire wall you have to scroll past #i have nothing interesting to say and sorting tags are always at the top #sorry 😰😰😰😰 #editing tags so i can talk MORE LMAO: #i also feel a little silly celebrating 50 followers (now it's way more than that 😰) #because i know it's not a lot but it makes me happy anyways #thanks for everyone who's followed me after #even though i really didn't plan for this to draw any more followers (since i had rbs turned off initially) #it really wasn't my intention to get more people 😰😰 #i'll be honest i just wanted everyone who's followed me so far to submit their pcs just so i could thank them personally #since i'm not able to a lot of the time!!!! :( because of my side bloggish nature #but i enjoy seeing more people too :) it makes me happy #OH ALSO the EVERY SQUAD GOT THE post having people see it is driving me CRAZY insane #it's so fucking funny to me genuinely i didn't expect anyone to see it at all since i didn't tag it #i literally just made it because i couldn't get smosh fan out of my mind #smosh fan is the highest tier i could ever give any character