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singledarkshade · 3 years

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Alone

Summary: He hoped Gideon had been listening when the signal went out, as brief as it had been, and it reached her otherwise he would probably die here. But as the last of the Time Masters, maybe it was time. Author’s Note: Day 3: “I’ve seen darker days.” – Terrible things have happened to Rip throughout the show, but as fans we’re good at thinking up more. It’s Whump Day! ********************************************* Rip Hunter, former Time Master, former Time Bureau Director, former Captain, former husband, former father, and current recluse walked slowly through the deserted space station looking for the point of origin of the distress signal he was tracking.

The station had been shut down for years and, from what he knew, there should be nothing working at all. Never mind a signal made by technology over a hundred years ahead of when the station existed.

He checked the tracker on his modified courier for the information Gideon had provided for him. Rip shook away his sadness at the fact they weren’t together, but current circumstances meant they weren’t able to be.

Reaching the coordinates, Rip frowned when he saw the object and realising that what he’d been tracking was a trap set by Time Pirates. Turning he began to run through the corridors back to the Time Sphere, hearing the device charging. Reaching the Sphere, Rip jumped in and activated a time jump but before the portal closed the Sphere was rocked by an energy wave. Rip grimaced as he fought to steady the small craft, but the blast had disabled several of the systems.

“Come on,” he muttered as he tried to keep the small vessel inside the time stream long enough to reach his current base of operations, but the sphere didn’t have the same redundancies the Waverider did. Suddenly the time stream disappeared, and Rip saw the ground rushing towards him. Slamming the button to activate the emergency beacon, Rip managed to grab the disaster kit and activated the sphere’s version of an airbag before he hit the ground. Aware of things smashing around him, Rip’s head slammed against the console before everything went black.

Rip woke slowly.

His head was throbbing but as almost every other part of him was aching, it was in the majority. Forcing his eyes open, Rip could see the Sphere was completely dead and in complete disarray. He was lying on his side, his legs trapped beneath the seat and Rip felt any hope of rescue die quickly seeing the beacon was as dead as the rest of the Sphere. He hoped Gideon had been listening when the signal went out, as brief as it had been, and it reached her otherwise he would probably die here.

But as the last of the Time Masters, maybe it was time.

He’d been alone for so long, betrayed by those who raised him, by the man who he looked up to and almost thought of as a father, then forced to destroy them, the people he loved were all dead while those he had once called friend presumed him dead and probably had a party at the fact.

Perhaps it was time he finally did.

“Please,” a mocking voice drawled, “You won’t die. I’m not that lucky.”

Turning slightly, Rip frowned as he saw a familiar woman sitting just to one side of him, “Sara?”

“Well,” Sara Lance said amused, “Your brain is still working for the moment.”

He frowned confused, “Why are you here? How are you here?”

“To make sure you actually die this time,” she smirked at him, “Since you clearly didn’t after the Mallus thing. I don’t want to have to worry about you trying to take my ship. Even if there’s no way you could, it would be inconvenient to have to put up with the attempt.”

Rip closed his eyes as he thought of his ship, his home and Gideon who he knew worried about him while he worked away from her.

“The Waverider is mine,” he breathed, “You’re currently allowed to use her.”

Sara laughed, “Do you really think you could walk onto the Waverider and even get a chance to say a word before we had you in the brig, bound and gagged so you couldn’t talk to Gideon? She wouldn’t accept you back anyway. After how often you’ve abandoned her.”

“Gideon knows…”

“What?” Sara demanded, “That you care about her? You’re fooling no one, Rip. We all know the only one you care about is you. Gideon was just a means to an end, a tool you used and threw away when you found something better. You can pretend to yourself that you asked her to come with us but,” she smirked, “We both know she came with us to get away from you.”

Rip covered his eyes with his hand, “No. She knows why I left, she understands.”

“You’re so pathetic,” Sara shook her head, “No wonder Druce was able to manipulate you with ease. You’re desperate to be loved, desperate to be relevant but let’s face it, Rip you’re not. I mean look how easy your beloved mentor fooled you,” she paused and smirked at him, “The love of your life was probably screwing you under his orders.”

Rip flinched at her words, at a deep unspoken fear he had that could never be eased since Miranda was gone, being spoken aloud.

“Because who could possibly love someone like you?”

With a cry Rip threw the first aid kit at her, it bounced off the shell of the ship and fell to the ground. Rip closed his eyes and slipped into unconsciousness.

The pain in his head was worse when Rip woke again, touching his forehead he winced as he felt the wound there. Pulling his hand back he saw blood coating his fingers. That explained the pain.

“Injured again, Rip. Honestly if it wasn’t for our medical technology, you would have been dead years ago,” Druce said, making Rip flinch when he saw the man sitting where Sara had been earlier, “But then again you should have been dead a long time, that worthless brat we found living on the streets.”

“You’re dead,” Rip whispered, horror filling his voice.

Druce smiled darkly at him, “Am I? You know better than anyone how to fake your death.”

“I didn’t fake my death,” Rip replied coldly, “I simply didn’t let the team know I survived. They don’t care anyway.”

“Well, that is true,” Druce noted, “The team you brought together learned very quickly how worthless you are. They have a leader they actually listen to, someone who can fix the ship as well as programme the AI and a historian. Where would you fit in?”

Rip closed his eyes.

“And even Gideon,” Druce continued, “Your dear Gideon, she doesn’t need you at all. The only people who ever needed you, Rip, you utterly failed to protect.”

“Stop,” Rip snapped.

“Miranda would have been so much better if she’d never met you,” Druce reminded him, “And your son probably would be alive now is she’d never let you know him.”

“Stop!!!” Rip screamed, the memory of Jonas dead in his arms hitting him and tears filled Rip’s eyes, “Please, don’t.”

“Failing at everything you’ve ever tried to be is bad enough,” Druce ignored Rip’s pleas, “But that little boy, so innocent and full of life deserved so much better than you.”

“Stop, stop, stop,” Rip cried, turning his head away sharply, it connected with something solid and fell into unconsciousness once more.

*********************************************

Rip felt sick as he woke up once more to the empty Sphere. At least Druce was gone but the feeling of hopelessness his former mentor had left him with remained.

He had to get himself out of this and find a way back to Gideon to repair his injuries but right now, Rip had no idea how. His mind was fuzzy, it felt like it had been filled with cotton wool and he wanted to just give in, to simply sleep but he knew he couldn’t.

“You were never lazy,” the clipped voice of Mary Xavier told him, “You have plenty of other faults, but I will admit you’ve never been lazy.”

“Mother,” Rip whispered.

She shook her head, “Oh, Michael, what a mess you are.”

Shaking his head, Rip sighed, “Please, don’t. I can’t take it from you too. You’ve always encouraged me.”

“Well, that was my job,” Mary reminded him matter-of-factly, “To take the children I was given and make them Time Masters. I had to act like I cared about them.”

“Mother…”

“I have never met such a needy child as you before or since,” she sighed sadly, “Desperate for approval, desperate for love, desperate for someone to tell him he is good boy.”

Rip stared at her through tear filled eyes, “Don’t…”

“It was so easy to get you on the right path,” Mary continued, “Bake with you, tell you stories, pat you on the head and you were my little lapdog.”

“I love you,” Rip whispered.

“I know, Michael,” she smiled at him sympathetically, “Which was why it was so easy to train you.”

Rip closed his eyes, “Go away, go away, go away.”

“That’s not a nice thing to say to your mother, Michael,” she admonished.

“You’re not my mother,” he snapped, “Because she would never say these things to me and she…”

“She?” Mary motioned him to continue when he trailed off.

Rip whispered, “I don’t know where she went after the Time Masters were destroyed.”

“For all you know,” she noted, “She’s dead.”

He nodded.

“One more person you claim to love who you failed,” Mary told him.

“Mother…”

“No, you don’t get to call me that anymore,” she told him sharply, “Only someone who would care to look for me can call me that.”

“I looked,” Rip whispered.

She ignored him continuing, “Only someone worthy of the love I gave deserves to call me mother and you are nothing more than a worthless pathetic failure.”

Trying to move to her, pain stabbed in his legs and Rip cried out, Mary shook her head before she disappeared.

Rip realised suddenly he was hallucinating. Which considering he’d seen three people who’d disappeared, one of who was definitely dead, meant his brain was not functioning as it normally would.

“Head injury,” Rip murmured to himself, “But that doesn’t explain hallucinations this vivid.”

Taking several deep breaths, Rip hunted through the emergency pack lying beside him for some water. He took a few sips from the canteen, realising he could smell something on his clothes. A strange sickly smell that he hadn’t noticed before and grimaced, “Bollocks.”

The booby trap wasn’t just an energy blast, they had included a hallucinogen probably activated the moment Rip had walked into the engine room of the station, to disorientate the victim while the pirates raided their ship. If it was the one that he thought it was, then it was going to get a lot worse before it wore off. Rip knew he was not the poster child for good mental health and dreaded what else his subconscious would dredge up to taunt him with.

Suddenly remembering he had a courier, Rip looked around to find some components to see if he could modify it to signal Gideon. Rip groaned finding it smashed beyond repair, so there was no way it was going to open a portal to the Waverider. He had to find a way to make it sturdier if he survived this.

“Focus,” he murmured to himself, “Focus.”

“You always could focus.”

Rip felt the knife in his heart and tears fill his eyes, “No.”

“Now is that any way to greet your wife?” Miranda asked sweetly.

Raising his head Rip stared at the woman before him, the woman who had stolen his heart before he’d even realised that he liked her.

“Miranda.”

“My darling husband,” she smiled at him before noting, “You look terrible by the way.”

Rip closed his eyes, “Not you, please not you. I can’t hear the things I feel about myself from you.”

“Oh, Rip,” Miranda whispered, “It’s only the truth you’re being told.”

“I know you loved me,” Rip whispered, tears slipped down his cheeks, “It’s one of the only truths in my life.”

“Are you sure?” Miranda asked, “Because let’s face it, dear you are not good with people. And I was taught to lie just as much as you were. In fact, more since I was raised by the Time Masters from a much earlier age.”

Rip winced, “Don’t…”

“I’m not saying it wasn’t fun pretending to love you,” Miranda mused, “When you are focused on doing something well, you really work at it but…” she trailed off with a smirk.

Remembering how he’d managed to get rid of the hallucination of his mother, Rip looked up at the beautiful women he’d loved in a way he’d never known himself capable of.

“I love you,” he whispered before he deliberately moved his leg sending a stab of pain through his leg.

As Miranda disappeared, Rip dropped his head and wept.

Managing to stop his tears, Rip forced himself to concentrate on working. His resolve instantly dissolved at the small voice piping up, “Daddy.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Rip cried, “Please stop.”

“Don’t you miss me, Daddy?”

Looking up Rip saw the earnest face of his son looking down at him and whispered achingly, “Jonas.”

“Don’t you miss me, Daddy?” the little boy asked again.

“Every day,” Rip breathed, “I miss you every day.”

“Then why did you leave me?” Jonas asked a confused pout on his face, “Why weren’t you there when the bad man killed me? Why didn’t you stop him?”

Rip stared at him, no longer able to cry, “I tried, Jonas. I tried so hard for so long. I’m sorry. Please forgive me, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t deserve to be forgiven,” the little boy scowled at him, “You deserve nothing.”

Reaching out for his son, Rip whispered, “Jonas…Jonas…Jo…”

The world spun and Rip fell into blackness.

*********************************************

“Gideon?” John called as he scanned the area, “Are you sure this is where the beacon came from?”

“I am, Mr Constantine,” Gideon replied, “The Time Sphere should be within view soon.”

John sighed, the problem with being the only member of the crew who knew Rip was alive was that Gideon expected him to go searching without any back-up when the idiot got himself into trouble.

“Why is he using that and not the Time Courier, which would let him step from place to place?” John demanded, “Isn’t that much easier?”

“Captain Hunter prefers to use the Time Sphere as there is a possibility someone may try to follow him through the portal back to his base of operations,” Gideon explained before adding, “An issue the Legends have experienced.”

Continuing along the path, John finally spotted the Time Sphere or more accurately what was left of it. Running over, John grimaced finding Rip trapped and unconscious with blood dripping down his face.

“Damn it, you crazy bastard,” John snapped, “What the hell did you do this time?”

Crouching down beside his friend, John checked for a pulse, relieved to find one. Slow but it was there.

“Gideon,” John said, moving junk off Rip, “I’ve found him.”

“Excellent, Mr Constantine,” Gideon said, relief evident in her voice, “Is he injured?”

“It’s Rip,” John replied wearily, “Of course, he’s injured.”

The man in question groaned, murmuring something about not being able to take it anymore.

“Typically,” John continued before Gideon say anything, “He’s also pinned beneath parts of the Time Sphere, I need to get things off him then get him to the med bay. From the look of it, he’s going to be in a lot of pain and possibly bleeding heavily.”

The portal to the medical bay opened beside him and Gideon told him, “I am waiting for you.”

John grimaced, he pulled the loose bits of kit out of the way before managing to shift the seat pinning Rip to the ground off the other man, releasing his legs but unfortunately this meant the wounds it had been pressing on began to gush blood.

“This is not going to be pleasant,” John murmured as he gripped Rip under his arms, “But hopefully you’ll stay unconscious, and Gideon will have you on the good drugs soon.”

Pulling Rip out of the Sphere made him cry out but thankfully he didn’t waken. John managed to get him into the medbay then onto the medical chair and attached the cuff to Rip’s wrist.

Gideon instantly began to scan Rip, sedating him and started the healing process.

“I suggest once you clean up the blood on the floor,” Gideon said, “That you get something to eat and drink. I shall contact you once Captain Hunter is awake.”

John sighed, grabbing a cloth he gently patted his friend’s shoulder.

“Captain,” a gentle voice invaded the blackness, “Wake up, Captain.”

Rip squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t do this anymore. Not with Gideon, she was all he had left. Why couldn’t he stay unconscious? Why did his mind have to torture him like this?

“It’s alright, Rip,” she continued, gentle fingers stroked his hair, “You’re home.”

Slowly opening his eyes, Rip found he was in the parlour of the Waverider with Gideon sitting at his side.

“Are you real?” he asked softly.

An amused smile touched her lips, “That is a discussion we might wait to have until I am sure you are well enough to debate.”

“You know what I mean,” Rip frowned at her, “Am I hallucinating you or am I on the Waverider?”

Gideon squeezed his hand, “You are currently in the medbay, under my care and sedated so you stay put.”

Relief filled him.

“From your blood work, you were exposed to the hallucinogen, SL27,” Gideon spoke up.

“I knew it was something potent,” Rip sighed, looking at her sadly, “What I saw…”

“Was not real, Rip,” Gideon reminded him, “It was your subconscious fears brought to life, voiced by people you would listen to.”

Rip stared at her, he wanted to rest just for a short time with his best friend before he had to leave once more but unbidden the question slipped from his lips, “Did Miranda love me?”

“Oh, Rip,” Gideon whispered, “Of course she did. Miranda was deeply in love with you.”

He shook his head, “I know, I do know but…”

“The hallucinogen you were exposed to has played with your mind,” Gideon sympathised, before stating, “I have something for you from my memory banks that will help.”

Rip frowned confused jumping in amazement as Miranda appeared before him dressed in her wedding dress with a worried frown on her face as she paced a small strip in front of him.

“Is something wrong, Lieutenant Coburn?” Gideon asked her, “Are you having second thoughts about the wedding?”

Miranda shook her head, “No. I can’t wait to marry Rip. I love him more than I knew I could love anyone.”

Rip felt tears fill his eyes but stayed quiet as the scene played out before him.

“Then what is concerning you?” Gideon asked.

Sighing Miranda confessed, “That by marrying him I’ll be holding him back. I know Rip is destined for great things. I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t reach his potential.”

Gideon turned back to Rip and hugged him tightly as Miranda disappeared.

“She loved you,” Gideon reminded him.

“I’ve never felt as alone as I did when the vision of Miranda suggested she never loved me,” Rip took a shuddering breath in, “I thought I was going to die there.”

“You are never alone,” Gideon assured him, “And I will always come for you, my dear Captain.”

Rip dressed after his shower, happy to be home wishing he didn’t have to leave again but he knew the team needed Gideon to guide them more than he did for now. Besides the noise they made hid his work from those who would try to interfere.

“Your new Time Courier is ready, Captain,” Gideon spoke up, “And Mr Constantine is waiting for you in the parlour.”

“Thank you, Gideon,” Rip gave her a quick smile.

Grabbing his freshly laundered duster, Rip rested his hand on the bulkhead before he walked up to the bridge where John was waiting for him.

“Thank you,” Rip said, “For coming to help me.”

“Gideon gave me no choice,” John told him, an amused smile touching his lips, “But you’re welcome.”

Rip chuckled softly, “I’m assuming the team are visiting family or taking a break while you’re here.”

“Actually, they’re in the middle of a mission,” John shrugged, “Gideon assures me she can return the ship to the exact same moment we left.”

“She can,” Rip nodded, “And I should let you go.”

“Captain,” Gideon said softly, “You do not need to leave so soon.”

Stroking the central console beneath her avatar, Rip sighed, “I do. The longer I’m here, there is a greater probability that the crew will discover my survival.”

Taking a deep breath, Rip picked up the bag with the supplies Gideon had made for him before tapping a few instructions into his courier.

“Gideon, please reset the preferences within the base to allow me access via portal?” he asked.

“Of course, Captain,” Gideon told him.

“John, thank for finding me,” he said to his friend, “Take care of Gideon.”

John shook Rip’s hand, “I will but I don’t want to have to save your sorry arse again, so be more careful.”

“I’ll try,” Rip gave a slight sardonic smile, opening the portal he left the Waverider once more hoping it wouldn’t be for too long.

#fic #ripfic #rip week #rip week 2021 #legends of tomorrow #rip hunter #gideon #john constatine #sara lance #zaman druce #miranda coburn #jonas hunter #mary xavier

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sweetlittlevampire · 3 years

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Okay, I know that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I feel like giving one nonetheless. Or maybe I just wanna talk into the void that’s the internet, because it’s easier than talking to an actual person, but -

I don’t like May 15th.

Which is an odd thing to say, because the day per se isn’t a bad day. I have very dear friends who were born on that day. I am trying to think about them on this day, about making them happy. I am trying to make May 15 th a nice and happy day for myself. And most years, at least the past few ones, I succeeded in doing so pretty well.

But on some years, I do get remined that May 15th was also my father’s birthday, and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Especially if my mother decides to casually forget that there are things you simply do not say to someone else, even in jest, thank you very much.

(Heavy mentions of mental/emotional/psychological as well as physical abuse and mentions of suicide under the Read More. Proceed at your own discretion.)

If you’ve been around for long enough, you probably know that my relationship with my father was not the best. He lied to my mother about wanting children because he thought he could get her to stay with her that way. He told her he never wanted kids when I was fourteen; he successfully hid that truth from the whole family the whole time.

He didn’t hide it from me. Every minor inconvenience, every deviation from what he deemed his “standard” - and I mean even minor things, like not wanting to wear the colour socks he’d picked out for me - was met with degrading and humiliating comments, yelling, and sometimes even a beating. Every hobby I picked out - drawing, reading, crochet - every choice I made academically - pursuing languages and linguistics and literature - was met with comments that were aimed at making me feel completely worthless as a human being. Because what I love doing most was worthless to him, so anyone doing those things was a worthless person by default.

(If you ever wondered why I am so unreasonably insecure about my art and my writing at times? here’s your answer.)

I got severely ill during my teen years, which was stress-induced, and my father didn’t believe me for one second that I really was sick, despite of having an actual diagnosis, meds to take, and being unable to eat food or drink without breaking down crying because I was in so much pain (oh yeah, trying to beat your kids so they stop crying when they’re in pain does not work. We tried that too.)

It might seem super trivial, but the yellings and the beatings were so bad that I was afraid to come home from school. My father developed heavy alcoholism in his late years - he literally drank himself to his grave - and there were days on which I was begging for him to be extra drunk. Because it meant he’d probably be asleep and would leave me alone.

(Drunk enough that he was still semi-conscious was...a whole different thing,)

He wasn’t nice to my mother either. She has Multiple Sclerosis, and he tried to make her believe that she was faking it too (didn’t work). He had zero respect for neither me nor her and got physically violent with her as well, as if the whole stress wasn’t taking enough of a toll on her health as is. I remember her legs stopping to work completely for a couple of weeks because of it all when I was around six or so.

(Side note: If you’re wondering why my mother never left him - both my parents were on disability pension, but because my father got his disability pension years before my mother did, she would’ve had to pay him a special alimony, which she could never have afforded back then with her meager job and a child. She knows this because she actually consulted a divorce lawyer about it.

That, and fear. It’s a paralysing thing.)

I didn’t like my father. I think it’s safe to say that he didn’t like me either. He still expected birthday gifts on May 15th.

Which were either met with indifference, or with disgust. “That’s all? So that’s what I’m worth to you, huh? Thought so” he said while actually tossing it into the trash. ...it was an expensive stationery set with a fountain pen, a ballpoint pen, and a mechanical pencil. Emerald green with gold accents. Monogrammed.I remember this so distinctively because I had saved my allowance for almost a whole year to get the thing, simply because I foolishly thought “Hey, he always uses fountain pens. He likes those. Getting a quality one that is personalised will maybe make him like me too? Just a bit?” ...an idiotic thought in hindsight.

I still think about the birthdays. I often think about my father - I look like him. On particularly bad days, I look into the mirror, and all I see is him.

I know I sometimes behave like him, in the sense that...I kind of have a bad temper? And I tend to get loud when I’m upset. I don’t know if it’s genetics, or if it’s learned behaviour. I have told most of my friends and family to tell me whenever I’m doing it, because sometimes I do it without noticing...and I’m actively trying to unlearn it. Sometimes there are slip-ups, and I make mistakes. It happens, but please tell me if I mess up, so I can apologise and do better next time.

Now my mother is equally hot-headed, equally stubborn, equally as loud. So when we argue, it tends to get messy sometimes.

Like today. It was because of something minor, I don’t even recall what it was about, but I ended up raising my voice in frustration and anger, which frankly, was a bad move. I need to work on that.

So my lovely mother, who already told me once that I am but “a ruined human being” to her, proceeds to look me in the eye, and says:

“You are just like your father.”

And leaves the room.

And I know that she probably meant “You are just as loud as him”, but it sent me spiralling.

Because my father was a manipulative, self-absorbed, irascible, abusive human being who didn’t shy away from driving his daughter into depression and to the brink of suicide with his words and his fists.

And I’ve been wondering for the last few hours: what if she’s right? I already adopted some of his behaviour and am having a hard time unlearning it. What if there’s more? What if I am a manipulative, self-absorbed, irascible, abusive human being and I don’t notice it?

What if I’m hurting and scaring my mother in the same way that he did? What if I’m hurting my girlfriend in the same way that he did? And just cannot see it?

Look. Objectively and logically I know it’s not the case. But my brain keeps circlimg back to “But what if it IS the case?” and I am disgusted and scared and insecure and just want to crawl into a hole and never to come out again because what if my brain is right?

...May 15th, yall.

#Sweet is rambling #tw: abuse #tw: suicide mention #it's literally just the word being mentioned though #it's a long read so feel free to ignore #but I'm in a really bad place right now #so if I go quiet for a while that's why #which I don't know if I'll do yet bc socmed is distracting me #but yeah

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andillshowyouwhocanttimetravel · 3 years

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I know I don’t really have that many followers, but could use some support from other neurodivergent people rn.

So I don’t have an autism diagnoses, I can identify with a lot of symptoms adult women with autism describe, but have no therapist right now to discuss any of this with.

My current diagnoses is OCD, which could be perfectly correct idk. I have bad social anxiety, depression, the works. This post is mostly about how my social anxiety interacts with my OCD.

TL;DR: My ‘boss’ who is barely my even boss, told me he ‘understands’ that I’m uncomfortable but I need to ‘face my fears’ because my anxiety caused a problem. So I had a panic attack, cried in front of him, couldn’t look at anyone for the rest of the night.

I started a new, very demanding, intense job in the middle of a global pandemic. I made a lot of progress in the past few months, pushing through with difficult people, rambling less, adapting to how certain people want to be spoken to. It’s been a lot of work but was really rewarding, becuase people see my overthinking/discomfort as a genuine effort to make their jobs easier, even if I’m awkward at times.

HOWEVER, I think most of the crew doesn’t see me as neurodivergent, just “awkward” “quirky” and my tics are “cute” or “charming” or other things that prove I mask VERY VERY VERY well.

One of my catchphrases is “Oh? You were doing a bit?”

I ask very genuinely, becuase I’m not good at knowing when people are joking or being sarcastic. This makes people laugh and I’m totally fine with that becuase it’s all in good spirits and I know they like me and I’m good at my job.

And while I guess I’m glad they think I’m ‘normal’ it means they have NO GODDAMN idea how much it tears me up inside when I say the wrong thing, or someone is passive agressive to me, or rude in passing. Because it feels like my fault. I didn’t just do something wrong, I am wrong, and bad, and stupid, and bad and bad and wrong and stupid and bad.

And I have to have this spiral about 8 times a day without anyone knowing, or letting it affect the way I talk to anyone else.

SO with that as the background, here’s what happened to me last night.

I work on a TV show. I have very little interaction with the actors, which I am very very happy with, because the social code of talking to the cast is a whole minefield I like to avoid anyway. They have specific people from my department that take care of them and it’s not me and that’s great. I’m new to this industry so I just want to stay in my lane.

But on fridays, I’m in charge of running this fun game. (“selling cards” if anyone’s done this before) It’s kind of like a raffle, I have a deck of cards and ‘sell’ each card for $20, and at the end of the night, someone (separate from the game wholly) pulls the ‘winning’ cards from a fresh deck of cards and those people take home all the money accumulated.

Every week people are excited to play but lately 1 or 2 people have told me I have to ask the cast to play too. (sometimes the cast add extra money to the pool and buy cards for other departments) But I am WAY too uncomfortable to talk to the cast while they’re working. On the few occasions I’ve had to get their attention just to say “They’re ready for you on set” have been WAAAY anxiety inducing.

So I’m not comfortable asking them to buy cards, and I’ve asked for help with this (from their assistants or Cast PAs) but since the game is my responsibilty to run, they never ask cast for me. So I don’t get any money from cast, which I could not care less about.

And this game is just some extra (meant to be) fun thing, it’s NOT part of my actual work responsibilties and is totally superfluous to the rest of what I do on set.

So the fact that it weighs so much on my mind is already a problem for me.

But last night EVERYONE was so insistent I talk to cast, but I never had a good opportunity since I was so busy, so I did what I belived was sensible; I picked the actor I was most comfortable talking to, waited until he was done working, and asked him before he went home. I had to kind of re-explain the game but he was really nice and bought some and I thought it went really well. The whole interaction took about 2 minutes.

Here I was patting myself on the back for having a good interaction I was anxious to have, and then my ‘boss’ (who has the same position as me but just kind of makes the calls for all the PAs) pulled me aside and got really serious, and said I held everyone up, by talking to the cast when he was already wrapped for the night.

He lectured me for like 5 minutes about how he ‘understands’ that I get anxious but I just needed to get over it, because the way I did it was inconvenient. And he JUST KEPT LECTURING ME in a way that was sooooooo self serving and even though I went from ‘sweating but pretty okay’ to absolute ‘nonverbal, no eye contact, heart pounding, can’t breathe, pushing tears back” meltdown right in front of him, he would not let me walk away and just kept repeating himself, probably trying to make himself feel like less of an asshole.

And it was just this slap in the face, reminding me that even when I approach a task from a level that I’m comfortable with, making my own accomadations for my disability or whatever, I am still less than, because a neurotypical person could have just done it better and without all the extra effort.

So I’m stuck in this OCD shame spiral, I’m bad and wrong and I did something wrong and bad and so I’m wrong and bad and I’m just like this and I lose either way I try things.

I don’t want to go back to work on Monday, I don’t like that he knows how easily he can make me cry, and that I can’t just walk away from him when he makes me cry becaus he has like 8% more authority than I do.

I don’t want to be like this anymore, I love this job but it is not conducive or very accessable to neurodivergent people. This isn’t emotionally sustainable for me and I’m not sure what my next move is.

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #296

“reality’s a plague; we’re the medication”

How are you doing in this time of COVID19? Do you personally know anyone who is not taking COVID19 seriously? Tired of it. Don’t see an end to it. I know a bunch of dumbasses who don’t take it seriously at all. What do you think of TikTok? Have you jumped on it yet? Why or why not? I don’t have an opinion on it. What hobby or interest of your significant other do you have ZERO interest in? What about something you actually think might be fun or something you actually picked up thanks to them? If you don’t have an SO, you can think of a relative or friend as an example instead. No s/o, sooo I’ll use best friend instead. Tbh I can’t say I have ZERO interest in anything she likes… If it makes her happy, I’m thankful for it. To answer the second half, she definitely got me into Wings of Fire. Have you ever felt affected by the death of a celebrity or public figure? If so, who? Do you remember when you found out and what was your reaction to it? Steve Irwin comes to mind very quickly. I remember exactly who told me and where I was. I was heartbroken. He was my childhood hero. Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank, bitch? I’ve been called a bitch. I remember one occasion as a kid where I was called fat for breaking a swing, even though I was a normal size. The swing was just old. It affected me though, for sure. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Ever slow danced with anyone? Yes. Who is the last person to send you a message on Facebook? The woman I took pictures for a few weeks back. She’s a sweetheart. Have you ever been given roses? Yeah. Ever been called babe/baby? Yeah. Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? No one’s ever smoked anything else in my presence. Does anything on your body hurt? My knees. They pretty much always do. Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? My uncle Rob. Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? Sara. Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? I feel like all of them that are “likely” literally are pregnant right now lmao. My Facebook is like a new pregnancy announcement once a week, it seems like. Have you ever been called prince/princess? Ew, no. Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? No. Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? Nooo, I have no interest in being “that person.” What would you call your body type? Let’s not think about this. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yeah. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I don’t think I could. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? I don’t believe so. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? My parents fought all the time. Separated when I was… 17, I wanna say? Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? Ha. Attempts, anyway. Both were animal-related, and I was so excited to become a regular helper, but my weak-ass body couldn’t handle either. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? I never actually thought of it this way, but yes. Flirting like that was absolutely cheating. Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: Stuck. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? I always have guilt nowadays. When was the last time you saw someone attractive? In person? Hm. I think a about a month back when I took family pictures for someone. The kids’ dad was pretty cute. Are you okay with the life you live? Nope. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? Fuuuuck dude, I want a lot. Many more in my ears, dermals in my collarbones (the #1, ahhh, but I want to lose weight first so you can see the contrast), it’d be nice to have a nose ring that fucking stayed in, I would LOVE an undereye microdermal if I ever change to contacts again, sometimes I think about an eyebrow piercing if I kept my eyebrows thinner… man, there’s a lot. I just love body mod. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? No. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NO. Is your present hair color natural? Sadly yes. Do you follow a certain religion? No. Do you listen to any country music? Noooo. It’s so weird remembering that I loved it as a kid. Have you ever lived on a farm? No. Do both of your parents have jobs? Dad does, but Mom is currently on disability due to recovering from cancer. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? Ummm. I dunno. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Politics. Is there anyone you’re not over and feel like you never will be? I doubt I’ll ever be fully over him. But I feel it’s understandable. When’s the last time you were really late to something? Hm. Dunno. Do you sing a lot? I sing veeery rarely. Do you think you have an addictive personality? I have a very addictive personality, yes. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon, easily. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? I don’t know. When was the last time someone took your picture? *shrugs* Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? I eat them with ketchup and mustard, not chili. Would you say it’s easy for people to make you smile or laugh? I’m unsure… but I lean towards no. Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? Hell yeah. I’m so for platonic “I love you”s. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? I'm not sure about "worst," honestly. I've mostly just heard mild inconvenience type things. Have you ever been in a car wreck? Yes. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Actually, yes, by maybe my second psychiatrist. She was fucking looney; I could see ADD, but ADHD was ludicrous. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? I cut off connections with my dad for years after the divorce. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? Yeesh, no. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None. Are you a happy person? Not really. Have you cried yourself to sleep? Oh yeah. Have you been in trouble with the law/jail time? No. At what age did you become sexually active? Maybe like, 16 1/2? Have you been in a loving relationship? Yes. Have you been in an abusive/bad relationship? No. Who would you die for? Quite a large handful of people, really. Have you ever been in a gang? Nooooo thanks. Who do you dream about most? Annoyingly, Jason. When are you happiest? When I'm hyperfixated on a new interest. Do you answer the phone by saying anything besides "hello?" Not unless it's family, really. Then I'll just be like "hey" or "what's up?", something along those lines. Do you get mad easily? No. What is your favorite song right now? I'm pretty hooked on "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli. Do you wear glasses or contacts? If you wear both, which do you prefer, and why? I wear glasses. I've worn contacts before, they're just too tedious for me. Would you rather be buried or cremated? Cremated, please. Ever done karaoke? Did you like it? No. Goriest movie you've ever seen? Probably some SAW film. Is anything in your room purposely hidden? No. Have you ever been pranked via hidden camera? No. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? No, anything with raisins is disgusting. What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? "It depends on the situation." <<<< This. Have you ever loved a boy who was dating some other girl? I certainly still loved Jason when he was with his girlfriend after me. Is your hair all the same color? Yeah, pretty much. When it was longer, I had natural highlights, but now that it's so short, ig it's hard for them to exist. Denim, leather or varsity jacket? I have desperately wanted a leather jacket since middle school. They're just expensive, at least the ones I like. Do you clean things that are already clean when you're bored? Ha, no. I'm not gonna clean without reason. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. What TV shows do you keep up with? None. Would you rather have a wiener dog or an Italian greyhound? Absolutely a greyhound, if I wanted a dog and had room for one of those. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? Most definitely not. I'm not even comfortable asking for things at my age. Have you ever tried to jump a fence? I have jumped fences, as a kid. Do you like the movie Zootopia? I do. Do you ever go on Pinterest? Rarely. What's the last kind of chocolate you ate? A sea salt dark chocolate w/ caramel filling Ghiradelli square from Christmas. Can you speak any unusual languages? No. Did you do gymnastics in elementary school? No. Have you ever performed in front of a large audience? Yeah; I was in dance classes for a long time, so we had recitals and went to competitions. I never did a solo, though. I was going to my senior year (senior solos are typical), but I got too nervous to continue with it. It was to "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson. Do you like BBQ sauce? Ugh, I hate it. Last time you wore the opposite sex's clothing? Right now. I always wear men's pj pants. Are you currently fighting with someone? No. Have you ever kept anything wild as a pet? When I was little, I know my sisters and I kept a box turtle that wandered into our yard for a while. We eventually let it go. Then when I would go fishing with Dad, one of my absolute favorite things to do was try to catch the minnows and tadpoles in my hands, and so I had a fishbowl of those. Don't keep wild animals, please. Do you set good examples for little kids? Probably not. Does your house have a pool? No, but I REALLY want one. It would be so helpful in strengthening my legs without sweating my ass off and feeling like I'm going to collapse. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No, but I've actually had very short (I mean like, a second), sudden spasms when lying down that feel like what I assume a seizure to feel like. I think it's a side effect of my nightmare medication. What's the longest hotel stay you've ever had? Not long at all. Just a few days. Do any of your friends or family members have strange occupations? Maybe? What small thing makes you automatically distrust someone? Making dark/dangerous jokes. Of all the states/provinces in your country, which one is your favorite? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Have you ever had to wear a school uniform? In middle school. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? My fat ass ain't getting in the top bunk. Are you close with your cousins? None, really. Are you close to any aunts or uncles? Also not really, but one of my mom's brothers is closest to that. Are you close to your grandparents? They're all dead, but I wasn't very close to any. I never really see my extended family. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Go swimming, if they had a pool. If they didn't or it just wasn't up, I liked playing two-player video games. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? Probably go to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and dessert with family and just chill at home for most of the day. What is the last new thing you discovered that was really good? Peanut butter fudge, like holy shit. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. What is the best hairstyle you've ever had? What I have now. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? DYED. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Straight. Have you ever won a contest? Yes. How many drawers does your dresser have? Five. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? N/A What song hit you so hard that you remember where you were the first time you heard it? Oh man, what a question. Music can affect me very deeply, so honestly there's probably a number that fit this criteria if I thought for long enough, but I'm not gonna spend ten minutes trying to pick the best one. "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White will do, I guess because that was probably the most recent. I don't let myself listen to it, even though I love it. It'll only drag me into a trauma pit. What's your "brand" of fictional character, the type you always get attached to (ex., "perky girls with deep-seated mental health issues," "guys who you would want as an older brother," etc.)? Totally the sarcastic and usually well-composed villain. If you use Spotify, share your 2020 Wrapped! What are your overall feelings about it? Is it what you expected? I don't use it. If you’re a ~gamer~, what are your top 3 all-time favorite games? Silent Hill 2, Shadow of the Colossus, and Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. What’s the biggest red flag you’ve ever ignored? I dunno; I'm pretty good at listening to those. What’s something extremely bizarre you believed as a very young child? It's fucking embarrassing that I went through this many-years-long "I have animal powers given to me by a wolf I made up!!!" thing, holy god. Like, I thought I could "activate" traits of certain animals. Kids are fuckin wild, but I was exceptionally so. What is the biggest conflict in your life right now? With myself. Through a lot of digging with my therapist, she got me to realize that I don't feel that I'm rightfully lovable because I'm not "successful" and "going nowhere." It hit like a ton of fucking bricks when I understood the "why" of feeling like that. Like don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a bad person that is worthy of being hated, but totally deserving of pure love, no. So my therapist has me tell myself "I am lovable" in the mirror every morning, and I don't believe it. I'm trying to, but every time I'm just like "lol but are you really?" If you could change your current life schedule to incorporate more or less time for certain things, how would you do so? Do you feel like you have a well-structured and well-balanced schedule at the moment? My schedule is embarrassing, truly. I wake up, get on the computer, go to bed, and that's just about it, taking care of bodily needs being sprinkled in there throughout. I want to change it so, so badly, but I'm just... so set in my ways. I want to incorporate at least 30 minutes of daily reading, and I've yet to start my Wii Fit exercising because I'm waiting for Mom to move into her room (she stays and sleeps in the living room rn) because I do NOT like exercising in front of ANYBODY. I don't care if she gave birth to me. I also want to spend less time just hopping between websites on the laptop just because I can't find anything to do. It'd be nice to draw more, too... but for that, I really need to like the idea of what I'm drawing to stay even slightly motivated. There's probably more to this, but yeah, that's enough. What filler words do you find yourself using most often ("um," "you know," etc.)? "Um" or "uh," probably. I fumble over my words so much as well as just total derail on what I'm talking about that filler words are very, very common for me. When was the last time you felt let down? What were your expectations about the given situation that weren't met? Ugh, so apparently when my laptop was fixed, a lot of things were reset, and that included Lightroom, my primary photography editing software. I lost all my presets and I initially thought pictures too, but thank Christ I had a backup dialogue. I'm still pretty annoyed, because I can't find my favorite free LR download site. I didn't at all expect my laptop to be affected as heavily as it was, just getting a new DC port... If you enjoy taking and editing photos, how would you describe your editing style? This greatly depends on the subject matter and composition, but I feel a common theme is I enjoy vibrance. I war with myself a lot if I make them too saturated, but idk. Have you ever been inspired by a celebrity to change something about your appearance (your clothing style, hairstyle, etc.)? Is much of your taste/style inspired by celebrities? If not, what else serves as an inspiration for you? Ha! Guys, I'm not going to bullshit you, when I got into GMM, I loved Link's big, "nerdy" glasses so much that I became very curious as to how they'd look on me. Years later, I still kept the style and think they've looked best on me of all my glasses. I love them. For the second question, no, not really. My personal aesthetics dictate my style selections. When was the last time you felt a friendship was petering out? If a friendship seems to be fizzling, do you go out of your way to try to "save it," or do you accept that it may have just reached its natural conclusion? Ugh. This has happened in so very many of my friendships that I don't even like thinking about it. If we're talking the most recent time, I suppose with Alex. She just started talking to me less and less before vanishing (to clarify, she's an online friend). Considering just how poorly I handle loss, I'm the type to always try to save friendships I still cherish. Who is your favorite contemporary writer, author, poet, thinker? I don't know. What are your thoughts on body positivity vs. body neutrality? I believe in seeing your body and loving it for all it does, considering it's a masterpiece of biology, but, I also feel it is vital to consider its health. In other words, no, I do not think morbidly obese or emaciated individuals should think their body is... I can't think of the right word, really. "Ideal," I suppose? And keep in mind: this is coming from an obese person. I don't want someone to tell me "your body is perfectly fine!" or "you should just accept you the way you are!" when I spend almost every minute of every day thinking to some degree about how much I hate my fucking weight. No, I don't want to be convinced I should settle and neglect the wellbeing of the one body I have, but I in no way support bashing or being rude to people who are unhealthy, either. I feel like my stance on this is kinda hard to explain. Just respect your body as well as others' and their efforts to treat it the best they can. Do you enjoy keeping secrets from people, like having something about yourself that no one else knows? I mean, I don't enjoy it... I'd prefer to have none. If you play video games, what do you usually like to play? If you don't play video games, do you like watching others play? If so, what? I really like horror games, more than any. Fantasy ones with dragons and gods and the like are awesome, too. I don't enjoy a lot of games that are pretty much just movies with player decisions that barely affect the ending (I do like watching these, though), nor do sportsy or action things normally do it for me. It's by serious luck that I'm an avid World of Warcraft player, because I don't tend to like very grindy games, but I suppose WoW is an exception with the absolutely endless options of what you can do. Onto the second part of the question: totally. I wouldn't watch let's plays if I didn't, and I grew up loving to watch my dad and brother play. I'll watch an even wider variety of games than I play, but it more so depends on who the person is versus what they're playing, because whom I watch is controlled by whether or not/how much I enjoy the individual themselves. What are three things you like about nature? Just three? Damn... Well, the easiest I suppose can be summed up in a quote: "As above, so below." All is tied together. I could go on a romantic monologue about the beauty of our connection to the infinite stars we look upon and the ground we stand on, but I'll spare ya that poem. I love, love, love the sounds of nature: birds chirping, zephyrs through the trees, the crunching of fall leaves. All of it. Then, there's the power of nature! I live for those pictures of nature just taking the Earth back: desolate homes eaten by vines, all that. To call nature merely "spectacular" is truly an act of disrespect, pretty much. What do teenagers have right now that you wish you had when you were their age? Hm. I guess better phones.

#survey #surveys #questionnaire #questions #lyrics: ''ultranumb'' by blue stahli

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howtobeapersonwithfibro · 4 years

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Disability Sci-Fi: Alternate Universe Theo

Finally continuing my Disabled Sci-Fi series. Here’s one about Theo, an amputee who gets sent into an alternate reality by a meddlesome young witch. Enjoy! I’d love to hear what you think.

***

The first thing he notices when he wakes up is that the window isn’t in the right spot in his room.

The second thing he notices, as he swings himself to the edge of the bed and looks for his forearm crutches, is that he has two legs.

And then he freezes. For a solid three minutes.

When Theo went to bed, it was in a small bedroom in a shoebox apartment he shared with his boyfriend in Pittsburgh. The walls were beige, not this clean white. Their bed was nestled beside the room’s one window, the only place it could logically go.

And he had one leg, courtesy of an accident that occurred a few years before.

This morning, everything felt wrong. He stood up, unaided--a feeling that was odd but that he vaguely remembered--and approached the window that was in the wrong place. He recognized the view from the one time he’d been there on a college tour.

Harvard. He was in a dorm at Harvard. Once upon his time, this was his dream school.

Then the accident happened, his mental health went to shit, and he decided to stay closer to home where his family could support him better. Ultimately, it had worked out. He’d taken a year off after high school, went to University of Pittsburgh, met Xavier, came out to his parents.

So what the hell was this? Some kind of lucid dream?

He grabbed his phone from the side table and opened up Contacts, looking for Xavier’s name.

It wasn’t there.

Theo dialed the number he’d memorized months ago, and breathed a sigh of relief when he heard his boyfriend’s voice on the other end of the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Something… weird is going on. Where are you right now?” Theo paced as he talked, an old nervous habit that kept reminding him of his two feet on the floor.

“I’m sorry, who is this?”

He shook his head. Xavier was always full of jokes, but now was not the time. This weird alternate-life dorm room was freaking him out. “Don’t be a smartass. It’s Theo.”

“Sorry, dude, I don’t know a Theo. You must have the wrong number.” Click. Call ended.

Theo stared at his phone. What the hell was going on? It’s like he’d woken up in a different version of his life, one that didn’t belong to him.

He didn’t know what else to do. He dialed Mom. She should be the same no matter what, right?

“Hi honey, what’s up?”

“Mom,” he breathed a sigh of relief. At least she was right. “The weirdest thing has happened. I woke up at Harvard, and my leg--”

“Oh, Theo. Slow down. This must be one of your panic attacks. Do you have your medication?”

Panic attacks were something he’d struggled with since the accident in his world, too. That happened when you were suddenly hit by a car, and the car drove away as you bled onto the blacktop.

“But mom, the car accident--”

“Just breathe, Theo. It’s over now, remember? The doctor said it was amazing you only needed stitches.”

His mom was still talking, but he set the phone on the bed. He drew up his shorts to look at the spot above his knee where his leg was supposed to be amputated.

There was just a scar, fairly faded, a few inches long.

He picked the phone back up, and found his mother still rambling. “Honey, why don’t you take a clonazepam and take the day off from classes? You’ll feel much better after some rest.”

Clearly, she was not going to be much help in the “what the hell is going on” department. So he just said, “Okay, I’ll do that,” tolerated a few more reassuring comments, and then finally hung up.

Left without any other ideas, Theo got dressed and left his room to go wander around campus. He didn’t know what classes he was supposedly attending or who his friends here supposedly were, but it didn’t matter. He was looking for something, anything to tell him why he was suddenly here, in this life.

Could that other life have just been a really detailed dream--and the accident caused just a mild, now-healed injury? But why couldn’t he remember anything about this place? Why didn’t it feel like his? He pinched his arm experimentally, but no magical awakening happened.

He found himself missing the muffled clacking sound of crutches that usually accompanied him as he walked. Who was he if he wasn’t Theo, the amputee? The anxious U of P student dreaming of vet school? Xavier’s boyfriend?

This was all wrong.

He was wandering uneasily down one of the paths when someone caught his eye. A girl with purple hair and piercings who had a mischievous, observant air about her. Not exactly Harvard’s type.

And he remembered her. Not her name, but her face.

He’d met her yesterday. The real yesterday, in his world, which he was now certain existed.

He all but ran up to the picnic table where she lounged carelessly. He found himself wordless, but she simply quirked an eyebrow at him and said, “What’s up, champ?”

“Sorry, I’m, uh, having a bit of a weird day. But… do we know each other?”

She smirked knowingly, but said, “I don’t actually know a lot of Harvard boys.”

“Yeah, see, the thing is, I’m not…” He ran his hands through his hair, trying to figure out how to sound even relatively normal. In the end, he decided not to bother trying. “This is going to sound crazy. I think I met you yesterday, but… somewhere else. I was in Pittsburgh, and I lived there, and my life was different…”

She stared at him a while, letting him think for a few minutes that he truly was crazy. Still somewhat amused, she finally admitted, “I remember you. I... may have come here to visit you today. To… check on my handiwork.”

“Your what?”

She hesitated a moment, then sighed. “Okay. See, like, I’m part of this... witches’ coven. Not, like, brooms and cauldrons and shit, but like, real spells and magic. And I’ve been wanting to practice this one spell I found, but my sisters told me not to, and you can’t just go around telling people you’re a witch and asking if they want a spell… so I just sort of picked someone. And it was you.”

So much for being sure of things again. Theo blinked. Several times. Took a few breaths. Found some words. “So,” he ventured, “Let’s just pretend for a second that magic is real and I’m not having a fever dream right now.”

“Sure.” She leaned back against the wooden table, as if this was an average day for her.

“You… made this happen? Put me in this alternate life? But why?”

“Yes. And, honestly... I had to find someone the spell would work on. It involved finding a pivot point in someone’s life--a point that could have gone one way or the other, like, deciding whether or not to take a job, have a kid, or spontaneous accidents--and making it flip the other way. The overall world stays the same, but the ripple effect of the pivot-point moment is applied and the person’s world changes.”

He just stared at her.

“We have the ability to sort of… read people. So I saw you, struggling to carry a bunch of shit down the street with your crutches, and I got your vibe. A bit of your history. Bad accident, took your leg, now it’s mighty inconvenient for you. So I wondered if I could just… flip the pivot point and see if it fixed you.” She shrugged.

“You didn’t fix anything, you crazy… witch,” he finished lamely, struggling for a more accurate word. “My whole life is wrong now. I’m at the wrong school, away from my family, my boyfriend doesn’t even know me…”

“But you’ve got your leg, yeah?” She stood up from the table, as if she was satisfied with this conversation and ready to move elsewhere. She had a new excitement flowing through her expression. “So it worked! I can’t believe I did it.”

“You. Are not. Hearing me. I didn’t ask you to do this. I didn’t ask for my leg back. I want my life back, the way it was.”

“Look, even if I could… it would take some time. Recharge my magic batteries or whatever. Find my focus for the spell. It’s not like I can just snap my fingers. Can’t you just stay here? I mean, shit, you’re at Harvard, and healed, for one.”

“Being able-bodied is not a replacement for a happy life that I already had.” He shook his head. “Why can’t people understand that not every disabled person is inherently miserable?”

It seems to sink in, because the purple-haired girl is starting to appear guilty. “I mean, you looked pretty miserable carrying those bags down the street. I just thought--”

“I know. You looked at me and thought, what a poor crippled soul, he must have a terrible life just because he’s struggling with grocery bags for a few minutes. Right?” Theo didn’t think of himself as intimidating, but his anger made him bigger, somehow, as he loomed over the girl. Theo thought of Xavier, of their crappy little apartment and long nights spent studying for pre-vet program exams. And he wanted it back. Needed it.

“I mean--” she started.

He cut her off. “I need you to undo this. Today.”

She was breathing quickly. She took a step back from him. “The best I can do is tonight. Six hours or so. We’ll meet back here.” She bit her lip nervously.

“You better not be messing with me.”

“No, I swear,” she said. “I’m really sorry. It was stupid of me to try the spell without your permission.” She paced a bit. “I’ll undo it. I just need a little time.”

***

Theo spent the rest of the day wandering around the campus, poking around a little out of curiosity to see what this Alternate-Theo’s life was like. He was sure about wanting things to go back, but he had time to fill, and when did anyone else get an opportunity to see what their life could have been like?

He managed to find the way back to his dorm, following a peer through the locked door and stairwell. He eventually found the door number he remembered, 410, and pushed open the door he’d left unlocked in his earlier frenzy.

The room was a single, so no roommate. Everything in here belonged to this Theo.

He poked through some papers and textbooks. It looked like he was pre-med, and making decent grades--that was his old dream, of becoming a doctor for people, not animals. But after the accident, he’d wanted to spend as little time in hospitals and doctors’ offices as possible, and found comfort in his pets. The solution seemed obvious, once his anxiety went down and he was clear-headed enough to see it.

He scrolled through his phone. A couple casual texts to friends about homework and such. No boyfriend or even super close friends, it seemed. There were some texts and calls to his parents--one text from his mom said Meet any nice girls lately? ;). So he hadn’t even come out to his parents yet? What about his so-called “friends” here? To Theo, it looked like this life was pretty lonely.

This whole snooping process took up several hours, and he spent the next few eating snacks he found in his room, pacing the Harvard grounds hoping the witch-girl would return sooner, and, briefly, taking a run. It wasn’t as fun as he’d imagined it would be on the rare occasions he did miss his leg.

Finally, as the day grew cooler and a little darker, the purple-haired girl approached him where he sat at the same picnic table he’d found her at earlier.

“I think I’m all set.” She sat down next to Theo with the same nonchalance she had earlier. “I just need a minute to get relaxed and settled here. Are you sure you still want to undo this?”

“Yes,” he replied, without hesitation.

“Okay.” She closed her eyes, breathing evenly. She held a few objects in her hands he couldn’t see.

“Am I going to rememb--?”

“Shh. Trying to focus here. And to answer your question, I don’t know. Now be quiet.”

***

Theo woke up in a tiny beige bedroom in a shoebox apartment in Pittsburgh. Beside him, the sheets were ruffled; typical for Xavier to get up early for rowing practice. Leaning against the wall by the bed were a pair of forearm crutches.

A sticky note in Xavier’s messy scrawl was on the side table next to the bed. See you for lunch? I’ll text you. Love you. -X

Theo held onto the note and let himself fall back into the pillow with ease. He did remember the crazy alternate-life day he had, but couldn’t entirely be sure whether it was a dream or not.

But he could relax and be happy now. He was back where he belonged.

#my writing #writing #short story #disability #disability fiction #disability short story #disabled characters #disability story

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evil-is-relative · 5 years

Text

Alright, I don’t know how many of you I told some of what’s been going on with me lately, but I thought I’d update. For those who were unaware, two days after I opened commissions (ofc) my life blew up. Here are the results:

1) My car is gone. The accident made it too hazardous to drive, though it still started. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE a man going through a much rougher time than I, a disabled veteran who was worried about losing his job without a running car, had the same uncommon-around-here model of car that I had. His only needed seat belts, air bags, and a headlight to be legal to drive again. So I suppose God knew what he was doing, because through a string of coincidences, he ended up being taken to the same random collision shop my car was still sitting in while we looked around for the title that had mysteriously gone missing. So while I lost my car, this man did not lose his livelihood. It makes me feel much better about the whole thing, and I wish him well.

2) Father-in-law-kinda finally has a release date from the hospital. I had to take him to the ER the Monday after the accident, though he tried to put it off to not be inconvenient, and it turned out he had was having heart failure. He was in the hospital for a few weeks to start prepping for surgery and to learn how to manage diabetes, then I took him home. On the way home, he fell asleep and suffered a stroke, couldn’t talk, and when my boyfriend went to get him out of the car, yelled “Dad!” in this voice I hope I never have occasion to hear him use again, because he tried to get out and instead went down the slope of the driveway. He insisted it was because he was tired and had been in bedrest for a few weeks, but I told the doctor anyway, and he was admitted back into the hospital for rehabilitation.

I have had to drive back and forth from the hospital (an hour drive) several times, along a busy highway and through areas I’d rather avoid in rush hour. Highlights include hating being in hospitals, the nurse asking if I was alright because I got overstimulated by the antiseptic smells in the hallway, and spending an entire afternoon on the phone with a machine to try to talk to SOMEONE in immigration because he was in the middle of his Green Card renewal when this happened. A good point was finding the little garden area in the therapy wing and having a lovely half hour singing with a folk singer in there.

3) I’ve been trying to manage little bro’s Autism meds and appointments. Since his dad mostly had these in his head, it’s been an adventure, I can tell you that. Thankfully, Nathaniel is very patient with me, and so is the pharmacist and his teachers.

4) Getting both children ready and on the bus by myself. The buses come at different times, so formerly Nathaniel’s dad would take him to get his bus, and in twenty minutes or so would come back to take Jordan to the bus stop. Now I get Jordan up earlier, and he just hangs out in the car with me for the twenty minutes between bus pick-ups. Neither of us are morning people and getting up at six is hard.

5) I had what I thought was a large and randomly growing mole on my chest, and showed it to my doctor. Earlier this week, they put me through a minor removal that was a bit more complicated and bloody than everyone was expecting, and now I don’t have full range of motion in my arms because it pulls my chest hole and bandages. But today I got the pathology back, and the lump was NOT CANCEROUS, thank God. Turns out it was an abnormally forming collection of blood vessels? I don’t know why they did that, but it explains why they had to cauterize the thing.

So, that’s mostly what’s going on, besides the normal spring cleaning (which is now on hold because arms are needed) and regular house chores, keeping up with the kids’ homework, ect. My boyfriend has been wonderfully patient and helpful and supportive through all this, despite going through a re-certification process for work, and worrying about me and his father. Because he can only really study when people are quiet (i.e. Asleep), he gets the kids up half the time by striding into their room and singing at the top of his lungs, which makes me smile. He’s been running himself a bit ragged, though. This morning he was halfway out the door (literally) when he halted, looked down, and said “I’m missing a shoe” and had to go back and find it.

Still working on those commissions. Hopefully, next time life will be kinder to me getting them done in a reasonable time!

Oh, and I have three mice again.

#personal #life

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innie-s · 7 years

Text

of mental health visibility

As I’m sitting here in a nice apartment, fresh out of a shower with my hair clean and a face mask on, hot coffee in hands feeling content in my life, it almost seems impossible that only six months ago I was a crying ball of sadness lying on the floor and thinking of ending this misery… It almost seems like a dream I had, that it never happened. But it isn’t and it did. That’s how depression works.

I never though I’d be sharing this online (in this manner), you see, so please excuse a bit of awkwardness. I’ve always been rather open about my mental health state, never really tried to hide it, and yet not many people know or realise. I’d blame that on them not being educated enough but that’s not the problem either, I think. The cause of that lies in a much deeper issue – and that is the invisibility.

You see, there’s one thing to say “I’m ill.” while coughing your lungs up or having a broken leg, and quite another to say “I’m ill.” while smiling and generally showing no symptoms of any discomfort. The invisibility of mental illness isn’t always a bad thing, sure, but it is a bit inconvenient when you need special treatment and people simply don’t believe you. You would never question a physically disabled person needing help up the stairs, but when a person who seems completely okay tells you they cannot do a task because they feel terrible, you’d think them lazy or looking for excuses. Oh, how many times have I heard “Just start – that’s the most difficult thing, from there it’ll flow.” Oh yes. If I could only start. For you, as a neurotypical, having difficulties starting might mean that you have to give yourself a little push or simply sit down and do the thing. For me, it means overcoming five different weights holding me down while constantly hating myself for being like this because look at them, they can do it, why can’t I? It’s sitting down in front of my computer with my thesis open and watching it with dread while shaking and crying because I would love to write the thing that’s been sitting in my head for days now but not being able to. There’s a chain on my hands and they just won’t move, no matter how much I tell them to. My head is spinning a little and the words don’t make sense. It’s finally giving up and starting a new episode of that TV show I was watching or scrolling tumblr until I get to my own posts from the day before. I call that procrastination but it’s so much more, really. It isn’t just putting work off until the last moment, it’s also hating yourself for it more and more every day while being physically unable to do it.

We all understand and accept that the society has a bit of a problem accepting mental illness. We all know that it’s still a bit of a taboo, and although it is spread quite wide we still seem to think that it either doesn’t exist or that it only exists in the most escalated forms of “crazy people who belong to a mad house”. This has been changin lately, for which I am gratefull, but the outcome has been confusing to say the least. Neurotypical adults call their children lazy while completely overlooking symptoms of depression or labeling them as a typical pubescent behaviour (When did it become normal for every other 13-year-old to have cuts up their arms and down their legs? When did it become typical for primary school children to starve themselves because of forced body images? When did it become common to oversleep and romantic to be sad all the time?), we have been called adicted to the internet by people who don’t feel that the only way to express themselves and feel accepted and loved is via internet friendships with people who go through similar things every day. We have been told “It’s going to be alright.” by people who refuse to listen to us and help.

I don’t think our parents understand that when you condition us into thinking there’s something wrong with us, it will stick. I don’t think our teachers understand that calling us lazy or stupid will only ever make us believe we really are. I don’t think adults realise that when they dismiss our symptoms we will grow up thinking we really aren’t ill. There’s nothing wrong with us. We are not lazy and we are not stupid. We are ill. And in many cases we battle that illness without any help, support or guidance and sometimes we lose. Sometimes it’s just too much to deal with and we don’t have the strength to do it. And afterwards adults will say “Such a shame!”, “What a brilliand mind that was.”, “Such potential in that young person.”, and “Didn’t they know they were loved?”.

Now I myself am an adult and rather educated one as well. I can’t say I’ve never dismissed mental illness. I can’t say I came to my knowledge because I cared about others so much I started learning. I wasn’t born educated on the matter and I had to go through some pretty bad experiences myself to even start considering mental illness as a real threat. I’ve only come to terms with my own issues 4 years ago when they became big enough for me to actually consider therapy. At that time I knew nothing and it took me a bit to overcome the way I was thinking of mental health issues and accept that I might be one of “those people” as I used to think about them (us). It took me quite some time to battle my own prejudice towards the idea of being mentally ill and I still haven’t made my peace with it completely. And still as I face a task I simply cannot do, I question myself. Am I being lazy right now? Do I actually need help with this or am I just calling for attention? Am I being stupid right now? Isn’t it just that I’m incapable/not clever enough/not strong enough to do this thing? I don’t think I’ll ever overcome this need to be “normal” and to prove that I don’t have this limitation.

Many people have suggested therapy to me. And I have suggested therapy for many people myself. I believe therapy can be a very helpful thing. Yet I never went myself and I’ve been called a hypocrite for it. My deal with therapy is simple – will it help a person who is open about their problems, doesn’t bottle them inside, is honest to themselves even if the truth is sometimes uncomfortable and has trust issues the size of the sun? What can therapy of a self-conscious person do – will it help me if I dont need to talk about it (I vent to friends/the internet therefore I dont need any other person listening to me) and dont need advice (I know what to do with myself and I’ve been helping myself for years now)? Would therapy give me something more, can they help more? I don’t pretend I can do this alone but I also don’t feel the need to pay a professional just to tell me what I already know. There’s also the fact that I will not talk, I will not open up about this, I will not show weakness. I will not trust a person who does this as a job, I will never believe they care about me personally, why would I go there to sit and stare at the wall? The day I will go to a professional is the day I will feel so low I’ll accept that I need medication.

There’s a bit of an issue with medication. Meds are for the crazy ones, yes? The moment you get pills you’re automaticaly labeled as a basket case. The moment you have a note saying anxiety/depressive disorder, OCD, psychosis of any kind, personality disorder, etc, that’s that. You’ve been labeled. It all became real. And people will treat you differently, not because they want to be rude but because they pity you and don’t know what else to do. There’s a popular opinion that you have to get better to stop using the pills, yes? As if your brain has a better chance at healing than, let’s say, your respiratory system (will you tell an asthmatic to try and stop using their inhaler?), your pancreas (will you tell a diabetic to try and stop injecting insulin?) or your eyesight (will you tell me to try and stop wearing my glasses?) Can you imagine coming up to a disabled person and telling them to just stand up and walk, see, I can do it, why couldn’t you? No? Then why do you tell me to just start thinking of nice things and find something to do and soon I’ll be feeling better?

And you know what the worst part of this is? That the people who need the medication live with the same prejudice. And so they don’t go to a doctor or they refuse to take the pills or they stop taking them the moment they feel better because they think the deal is to stop needing them. It is not. You are allowed to need them and there’s nothing wrong with accepting help, be it from a person or a little bit of hormonal boost. God knows sometimes I feel like asking for them (and I just might this year before exams and writing my thesis, actually).

But then I get better, as I am now, and I start questioning whether I’m actually ill or if I’m just pretending. And that’s how I know I haven’t escaped any of the prejudice I just desribed and I will have to try a little bit harder to get rid of the idea that I’m really just a poser. Doesn’t help that my own mental health is fine compared to some of the people I know. I’ve never tried to kill myself. I’ve never thought of hurting myself. I already said I’ve been helping myself for years now – and it’s true. I recognize when I’m low and an episode is about to start and I get help (seeing as I’ve found the source of my episodes I also know how to get rid of them). And sometimes they’re bad enough to last days but usually it’s merely minutes and then I’m okay. And everytime I come out of them stronger and stronger and I havent had one in such a long time I don’t even remember what they feel like.

(February. I had the last one in February when I failed an exam and I realised I wouldn’t be able to finish my bachelor’s this year. That one almost broke me, I’ve always had this idea that uni will be the first thing I won’t fail and then I went and failed it. There was a possibility for me to make it – it would’ve been hard, it would’ve cost me a lot – mostly my mental health. And so I didn’t. I didn’t fight, I gave myself a month to heal a bit and to realise this isn’t the end of the world and I didn’t dissappoint anybody except myself – and then to forgive myself. And I came to the conclusion that it might not be ideal but it’s what it is and it’s okay. Maybe I would’ve been able to fight through it. But I felt like I wasn’t and I gave myself a free pass on that one. And I don’t regret my choice for I feel healthy, calm and comfortable now.)

I still get mild ones, mostly before exams. I’ll never get rid of that, I’ll always have a bit of a struggle with procrastinating and then hating myself for it. I used to hate myself for quite a lot, and then I worked that out. I stopped blaming myself for my problems and I came to peace with the reasons of them. I had issues with many things and I’m happy school is the only one left. I have hope that I’ll get over that one as well, sometime, maybe. It’s fitting, really, as school was the first one I recognized and the rest only appeared once I started digging into it.

I’m a lucky person. I know what to do to myself, how to help myself and sometimes even how to help others. Not everyone has that. Some have pushed the idea so deep into their mind that they simply cannot find it anymore, some think it humiliating to show weakness, some reject the reality and some don’t, they realise what’s happening to them and they don’t know how to ask for help or have conditioned themselves into thinking they don’t deserve help, that they’re not worth it. And the few who come and ask for help sometimes find that the help they’re getting isn’t enough.

What I wanted to accomplish with this text (Essay? Speech?) is not only spreading awareness of mental health issues but also to show the people who have it that they’re not alone and even a person who is presenting themselves as strong as I am can suffer from it. I wanted you to realise you’re not weak for experiencing this in whichever form and strength you do. And that there is help to get and it’s not humiliating to ask for it. And if you read this and you feel like it has nothing to do with you, please consider your friends, parents, coleagues, spouses, children. I strongly believe you have a person who’s going through it somewhere around you, and they might be needing your help.

#confessions #but please pay attention to this #mental health #depression #mental illness #my thoughts on the matter #my experienced #i am in no way a professional #please dont judge me too hard #please dont call me names for this

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gintamajustaway · 7 years

Note

Hey, I just went through the old posts on your blog looking at art I might've missed from before I was in the fandom, and I noticed a huge chunk of your old posts is art reposts. All of them link to the artist, but a lot of the artists have since deleted their pixiv accounts or made their works private, so it makes me think that they wouldn't want their art out there.

AHAAAA!! Well, now we get to go back and delve into the lore of this blog!

So, when I first started this blog, I allowed one other person to be a mod with me. We’d been friends at the time, but our friendship was extremely toxic because she was very abusive. She’s the person that did all this stuff to me and it took me a long time to stand up to her and cut her out of my life. At the time I started this blog, I was more or less terrified of her because she’d blow up at me a lot if I said or did the “wrong” things ((and by “wrong” that really translates to anything that was at all inconvenient to her)).

Anyway, she never worked and lived off her boyfriend and his disability checks. Everyday while he worked, she’d find ways to dither about her day and she’d spend hours going through Pixiv. I’m not even exaggerating, she would spend hours and hours and hours of time every single day just being online and going through Pixiv to find works and at the same time she was telling me and everyone else that she was applying for jobs. It wasn’t until one of the many nights she was drunk ((she was always drinking)) that she admitted to me that she hadn’t applied to any jobs, which was ridiculous because one of her manipulation tactics was to throw a pity party that she kept getting rejections for the jobs she applied for, but surprise! She’d never actually applied to any!

So, since she was a mod, she could post stuff and she started posting some of the works from Pixiv. I was never okay with it, but I knew she’d get angry with me if I said something, so I kept silent. I was young enough that the thought of her blowing up at me terrified me because I never knew what she was going to say or do when she went off on me. I admit that I posted some of the works because she get on me for “not helping” her with it and even now I feel incredibly guilty over it.

Eventually, I did cut that person out of my life. She sent me pictures of her cutting herself to get me to stay. She told me she went to the hospital for 3 days because she was so sick I was leaving. She said she’d been binge eating and gained a ton of weight. The ironic thing is that I was still following her twitter at the time and I think she forgot because yeahhhhh… the days she was “in the hospital” she was tweeting normal things and there was no mention of any hospital or being sick anywhere. She was posting selfies all this time, too, and uhhhhhhhhhh…….. there was no weight gain at all??? I also never saw any cut on her arm in her selfies, so she might have just used makeup or something, I still don’t know. The whole situation was disgusting and ever since then, I’ve been living how I want and advocating for things I care about.

Which brings me to art reposters. I hate them. I speak out against them. I know the damage they do to artists and I’ve been doing what I can to help. I actually went out and spoke to a lot of the artists that person reposted from, too! So any reposts on this blog, there’s a high chance I sought that artist out and spoke to them about what happened and I apologized profusely. Also, here are a few out of a ton of posts where I advocate against art reposters:

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

You even said it yourself, those posts you saw are old posts. As soon as I cut that piece of shit person out of my life, I became the person she’d been subduing all that time. Reposts are terrible and I rectified the situation and I work really hard to speak up for artists that are getting their works reposted without their knowledge or permission.

I hope that answers you! If you have any further questions on the matter, my inbox is open!

#anon

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wewithus · 7 years

Link

The Five Minutes for Freedom series is a collection of small, step-by-step walkthroughs designed to help you take concrete political action in support of the principles of We With Us. The articles in the series are designed to be read and their steps followed in order, as later posts frequently build on earlier ones. A chronological index of all posts in the series can be found here. While this information is targeted primarily at US readers, we welcome readers from all countries and encourage you to adapt these strategies as necessary for your jurisdiction.

5M4F 14: Support Actual Facts. [Support freedom of information for government agencies; oppose Steve Bannon.] Dependencies: 5M4F10, (light dependency on) 5M4F9.

This week’s 5M4F has an online component and our now-usual phone calls component. We’re going to be following and sharing online information from the scientists and civil servants who are standing up against the Trump administration’s gag orders on government agencies, and we’re going to be letting our representatives and the White House know that those government agencies don’t work for Trump: they work for us, the American people. I’m also adding on as a tag a mini-task to oppose Steve Bannon, which may become a theme around here, because Bannon is using the understandable and necessary outrage about everything else the administration is doing to quietly amass power. So let’s make some noise about it, shall we?

If you want to do this all in one go: as always, it’s not possible to make all the calls in one go, because we want to keep individual calls focused on a single issue. But you can do all your scripting in one go with all the online tasks, and then you can make your four calls about scientific freedom at the EPA et cetera in one block on Monday and your calls about Bannon in one block on Tuesday, or whatever.

If you want to do this five minutes at a time: easier! All scripts on one topic will probably take you 5 minutes to assemble, so 5 minutes for scientific freedom, and another 5 minutes to oppose Bannon. One call will probably take you five minutes to make, so that’s four five-minute chunks per issue on two issues, a total of eight 5-minute calls. Following all of the governmental agency resistance social media accounts at once will probably take you 5 minutes. Sharing that information on social media is another 5-minute task. Signing the petitions together will take about 5 minutes. It can seem like a lot of tasks, but they’re all individually pretty small!

If you have extra time, you can get some extra cosmic human-helping brownie points for making some extra calls opposing Betsy DeVos and Neil Gorsuch. I’m not making full posts on either of them simply because I feel like the reasons for opposing them have been covered pretty extensively elsewhere and I try to keep each week’s number discrete 5M4F tasks to ≤4. But please do call if you can.

As I mentioned a few days ago, since the White House comment line has been shut down, you can make your White House calls by either trying a direct line to a White House staffer or a randomly-selected Trump business holding. I continue to recommend that if you can’t get through to discuss political issues (and maybe even if you can), you write an open letter to the Trump White House, cc your senators and representative, and also send a copy to the Government Accountability Office. If this sounds like a nuisance tactic, you’re right! That is exactly what it is! Disabling the White House comment line and running the presidency like an autocracy deserves every inconvenience we can possibly throw their way!!

Section links:

Make calls about scientific freedom at governmental organizations.

Petition for scientific freedom at governmental organizations.

Spread the word about fighting for scientific freedom at governmental organizations.

Complain about Steve Bannon.

A note on how to protest amid breaking news.

How to write your scripts.

What to do if you can’t make calls.

Call your representatives to support scientific freedom at governmental organizations: You probably know the drill by now: ring the local field offices of your senators and your congressperson, as well as the “White House comment line” of your choice, telling them that scientific freedom at governmental organizations like the EPA matters to you.

Here’s my usual rundown of why you should call: while it is typical for governmental organizations like the EPA to temporarily halt public-facing updates (Twitter, press releases, et cetera) during a transition between administrations, it is very far from typical to subject governmental data to political review. The spokesman for Trump’s transition team at the EPA has said that the policy there at least (and very possibly at other organizations as well) will be to subject governmental data to political review. When speaking to NPR, he declined to characterize this policy as temporary. He then told the AP that the hold on public releases was temporary and that there was “no mandate” for subjecting data to political review. If that sequence of events makes you nervous: me too! I have intense social anxiety, especially with crowds, and I’m still seriously considering flying to Washington for the March for Science.

American governmental organizations gather, aggregate, and share critical data and research for multiple sectors of society and industry. This data includes climate and weather data, public health information, data about the economy and U.S. financial health, jobs and labor market data, education access and achievement information, and many many others. Users include not only research universities and public institutions, but also private corporate and non-profit users like Google and Bloomberg and AccuWeather and PossibilityU and Redfin and Ecodesk (source). Government data isn’t just essential to our understanding and handling of issues critical to human survival, like climate change; it also builds and supports private industry. It creates jobs. This is a bipartisan issue if we’ve ever covered one: our country, both our people and our economy, depends on the ability of government scientists to produce accurate, unbiased, nonpoliticized data, without fear of reprisal, retribution, or political censorship.

Call your representatives and let them know.

Petition the White House: There’s a petition on We the People, the White House’s official petitions website, to ask the White House to give government agencies the freedom to share information with Congress and the American public. Ostensibly your signature is being captured even though the count doesn’t update, but I believe this administration as far as I can throw them; so here is a backup of that petition on Change.org. You should sign both the White House petition and the Change.org petition, so we can verify signature counts.

Social Media: If you use Twitter, you can follow and share relevant #Resistance Twitter accounts, e.g.:

AltUSEPA

altNOAA

AltUSDA

Alt_CDC

Alt_NIH

AltHHS

AltForestServ

...and more! I’m not really a Twitter user (I mean, there is a We With Us Twitter but I hate Twitter and am also bad at using it), so I encourage actual Twitter-using people to let me know about other Twitter places where science jedis are currently gathering. The March for Science is also on Facebook, which is another social media platform I dislike and don’t use!! But if you use it you can follow and share it over there. Presumably if you’re here you know how to use Tumblr; you can track relevant Tumblr tags like #march for science and #science resists and so on, and share that information with your friends—whether or not you, yourself, are up to marching. If you did 5M4F9, revisit your network. Where can you share this? Who can you talk to? What friends and family do you have who are willing to listen to you? Talk to them about why freedom of information in governmental agencies is important. Encourage them to protest, and call, and petition, and resist.

And now for what I suspect is going to be a weekly feature for the foreseeable future, which I think I’m going to call: What is Steve Bannon Breaking This Week? Answer:

The NSC: Steve Bannon, Trump’s favorite white-supremacist gnome, has been granted a permanent seat on the National Security Council, while the director of national intelligence and chairman of the joint chiefs will only be expected occasionally. That’s really bad. The NSC bears the main responsibility for advising the president in matters of peace and war; positions on the NSC are typically reserved for generals and national security and military officials of outstanding expertise. Bannon does not have expertise. What he does have is deep-seated racist, Islamophobic, and anti-immigrant views, and a bald and oft-stated desire for another major (read: world) war. He’s also extremely sympathetic to Russia, because he views them as America’s white Christian allies in the war on Islam.

Call your representatives (senators, congressperson, and the “White House comment line” of your choice) and let them know that a fascist, warmongering, white supremacist has no place in the White House and no place on the National Security Council.

A note on protesting amid breaking news: While nothing here is quite as time sensitive as the confirmation hearings (which: if you have time to make a couple extra calls protesting Betsy DeVos and Neil Gorsuch, please please please please do), I do still recommend searching a reputable news source, like The Guardian, shortly before you make your calls, for any breaking-news updates that may require you to tweak your scripts. It’s often also useful to check your representatives’ website to see what press releases they have on a given subject, so you know whether (for example) they have already gone on-record as opposing Steve Bannon. If they have? Ask them to do it again.

How to Write Your Scripts (excerpted from 5M4F-5):

The basic phone script for calling your representatives goes something like so:

Hi, {can I ask who I’m speaking to? <, if they don’t say when they pick up>} [Jot their name down.] Hi, <their name>. My name is <your name> and I’m one of <your representative’s name>’s constituents in <where you live>. I wanted to let <your representative’s name> know that I strongly <support | oppose> <the thing you’re calling about>, because <succinct explanation of reason why you’re calling>. Is <your representative’s name> planning to <do the thing you want>?

Then you have to plan for a few different responses:

They’re with you: Thank you. Could you please let <appropriate pronoun> know that <expression of gratitude> and <indication that you will continue to watch your representative’s behavior and hold them accountable>?

They’re neutral: This subject is very important to me because <longer, more in-depth and emotive reason why you’re calling>. I would very much appreciate it if you could let <your representative’s name> know that I feel very strongly about this and would really encourage <appropriate pronoun> to <do the thing you want>. Is there any way I could follow up with you or <appropriate pronoun> later?

They oppose you: This subject is very important to me because <longer, more in-depth and emotive reason why you’re calling>. Can I ask why <your representative’s name> is <not doing the thing you want>? [Let them give you a reason, and write it down.] Okay, thank you. I understand <appropriate pronoun> concerns, but as one of <your representative’s name>’s voting constituents, I would really appreciate it if <appropriate pronoun> revisited <appropriate pronoun> decision because <alternate succinct explanation of reason why you’re calling>. Is there any way I could follow up with you or <appropriate pronoun> later?

<expression of gratitude>! <polite send-off>!

I want to point out that you probably don’t actually really need to plan for all of these responses. You can probably make a pretty good guess where your representative stands based on their party affiliation. However, especially if your representatives are moderates and often vote across the aisle, it’s not a bad idea to spend a little time planning for all three cases, because then your behind is covered, and you can recycle this language over and over on later calls, to different representatives. And yes: we will be calling other representatives.

This is the sample script that I wrote back in November, on a different issue and to Barbara Boxer, who has been replaced by Kamala Harris, but it gives you an idea how the Mad-Libs-filling process works:

Hi, {can I ask who I’m speaking to? <, if they don’t say when they pick up>} [Jot their name down.] Hi, <their name>. My name is <Ginny Washington>, and I’m one of <Senator Boxer>’s constituents in <West Hollywood>. I wanted to let <Senator Boxer> know that I strongly <support> <her resolution to amend the Constitution to eliminate the Electoral College>, because <I think every American’s vote should count equally>. {I just wanted to thank her for all her hard work on behalf of the principles of equal representation and equal protection under the law.}

<Thank you so much for your time>! <Have a nice day>!

If you can’t make calls: I recommended before that if you can’t make calls, you copy down snail mail addresses so you can send snail mail letters, and that you grab an email address or online contact link no matter what. Calls are the most effective, if you can make them, but please, do send snail mail letters if you can’t, or an email if you also can’t swing a stamp or get to a post office. You can use the script above as a template for your letter, but you’re probably going to want to default to assuming that your representative opposes you, and you’ll have to of course make it sound like a letter and not a phone convo.

If you care about correct forms of address: weirdly, because these things are super arcane, technically the correct way to address your senator or representative is still “The Honorable <whoever>”, as in, “The Honorable Barbara Boxer.” That goes on the envelope. You can then write “Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. <whoever>” as your salutation.

As always, the link at the top of the post goes to a poll on Google which makes a great checklist, and where you can check in and let your fellow humans know you’re standing up for them!

#we with us #resist #five minutes for freedom #5m4f #science resists #oppose steve bannon #oppose betsy devos #oppose neil gorsuch

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drenya · 5 years

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project phoenix

The white floors reflect the white ceiling and the white walls and the white doors and you hate this never ending white hallway. Now and in the future you hate the starch white world you spend most of the day in. Eventually you come upon the familiar door of 529 and place your hand upon the adjacent glass wall to scan. Once the hand print alights cyan, the door slides open to reveal the unsurprisingly white room.

“I see you’re as eager as always,” you remark sarcastically, sitting upon the matted floor, across the white glass table from a young girl. Her piercing white eyes contrasted by dark skin seek your matching white eyes across the distance. Even in this, you can’t escape the ever-present white. But your eyes are yours, and thus you love them anyway for their uniqueness.

“I don’t want to learn about history,” she complains, frowning and looking to the wall beside her, breaking eye contact. Her shaved head gives a striking profile that momentarily distracts you, urges you to touch your own scalp the see if hair is still there, but you simply tighten your hands into fist below the table.

“History is important. It’s how you learn from others’ mistakes. Shows you how we got here,” you make a circling motion above the table that pulls up a hologram of the city. All sleek lines of glass buildings filled with more white hallways. “Shows how you and I talking in this very moment is possible.”

“Why should I bother looking to the past when all I can affect is my future?”

“That’s very ironic since you’re saying it to your future self who is currently traveling back in time to mentor you.” And it’s been a long, long process. Your past self is very stubborn, never sticks to the learning regimen, and always questions everything. You’re constantly asked by others how you can handle that. The self mentoring program was implemented because of its huge success rate. Typically you develop an immediate bond with your future self and it makes mentoring easier. You, on the other hand, are anything but typical. But you already knew that before going back in time.

“Then my future self should already know I’m not going to study history today,” she says, swiping her hand through the hologram to make it disappear. You give her a crooked smile before schooling your face, eyes flicking briefly to the security cameras.

“Then do you wish to discuss the people you got into a fight with last week?” Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. “Didn’t think I would hear about it, hm? I didn’t need to. We can’t remember everything from our childhood, but trust me I remember that fight.”

“You do?”

“Yes. They pick on you for being different because they’ve never been taught to accept those who aren’t like them.” You dance your fingers over the table again to pull up a screen full of binary coding that is only visible to both versions of you in the room.

“I know you can read this. Keep your differences close, cherished, for you will use them to do great things one day.”

Her face is confused but she nods in understanding. With a twist of your wrist the code disappears and is replaced with chemistry equations. “You know the drill. No history means more chemistry.”

She sighs heavily, making a show of balancing the first few equations before settling down into a quiet concentration. This is the first day you change the future.

/ Five Years Later /

“Eve! Eve!” The typical white hallway is washed in red, sirens indicating a lockdown. You know you’ve made it in time, if only you can find your younger self.

“Eve I’m here!” You look to see white eyes peeking around a corner. Suddenly you’re running and then checking over her just to make sure she’s alright.

“Don’t be scared, little one. You will be alright but they are coming.” You grip each of her biceps, staring intently at the now seventeen-year-old. “You have to be ready.”

“Ready for what, Eve? They just started taking people from school! I ran here because I thought you could help but then the alarms started sounding and everything went red...” You lead her back to your usual room so that when the door closes the alarms aren’t so loud. You stare at the security camera, bringing up its coding in the building’s system within your mind and disabling it before turning back to Eve.

“The only one who can help you is yourself. Your present self. They’re testing for Glitches, but they don’t know you don’t fully manifest your abilities until age eighteen. You will show up negative on their tests.”

“Glitches? I don’t even know what that is!” Her eyes look panicked in the red lighting, reflecting all the fear you felt in this moment.

“It is what we are. What you are. You are different. In a way that can break this delicate ruse they have everyone believing. The world is not how you believe it to be.” You explain, trying to help her understand. “You must remain hidden. Once you turn eighteen you are no longer required to visit mentoring sessions and will be placed in a job best selected for you per my recommendation.”

You swipe your hand through the air above the table to pull up a familiar symbol. “But that’s the United Leaders’ crest,” your younger self questions. “You want me to work there?”

You nod. “That’s the best place to have a hidden agent. I will give you more information on your eighteenth birthday after I recommend you for the job.”

“How do you know to do all of this? Does something happen in your time?” You stare down at your boots, seemingly normal for a seemingly normal woman. You often wonder if your life would have been simpler, better without being brought into all of this. You know in your bones the answer is no. Knew it possibly even at seventeen, when the world seemed off.

“Not yet. I am twenty-five, so you will know all I know in eight years. I was visited by thirty-year-old us and told about a plan I was integral to. Something... does happen, but we set in motion a plan to recruit Glitches like ourselves to change the future. We were able to obtain Glitches executed in the past, but after age eighteen, so they could affect how they mentored themselves.

“It’s a bit confusing, but time travel always is, isn’t it? And thus began the new course of events to an alternate reality. The one where I’m here with you, right now, telling you all of this.”

“Okay, but you can’t tell me the plan yet?”

You swish away the hologram. “No, you have to still discover the path for yourself. I just give you the breadcrumbs to follow.”

A harsh knocking on the door startles you both before the door is suddenly open and two officers are stepping into the room. “What is it? We were trying to carry on lessons even with the horrible noise,” you ask, pretending to be annoyed.

“Sorry for any inconvenience, but we are taking all current selves for testing. You’re done for today,” one of them informs.

“Well some notice would’ve been nice, but alright. Eve I will see you next week as usual.” You usher for the officers to lead the way and they escort your younger self down the red corridor while you walk in the opposite direction. You give one last glance over your shoulder and Eve’s white eyes meet yours. You give a nod of encouragement before continuing around the corner towards the time transporters and out of sight.

/ Eight Months, Twenty-Three Days Later /

“They have accepted your position working at the central office for the United Leaders. Everything is going according to plan,” you inform Eve, sitting on the mat across from her as usual. Except today is anything but, considering it’s your birthday.

“That’s great to hear,” your younger self gives a knowing smile but says nothing else about the matter. “So today is the last day we’ll see each other?” She sounds sad, which makes you realize the pain in your chest is the thought of losing her too, as strange as it may be.

“You will see me again one day. It’ll be in mirrors or photographs, but it will be again.” Her smile is still lined with grief, but you know she’s strong. Even more so than you were at eighteen before. A circular gesture above the table pulls up a holographic map. She raises an eyebrow in a very familiar gesture and you chuckle.

“This is where you will need to go to pick up all your identification and clearance items.” While that map is up, you project a secondary location through the code that only Eve can see. She gives a slight nod in understanding, being mindful of the security camera. “Don’t go too soon or you’ll be perceived as overeager. But don’t go too late or you may miss your opportunity.”

“I see. Well, thank you, for everything,” she says, standing up and moving around the table. You follow suit and wrap her in a hug, hand stroking over her shaved head, her hand tangling within your long braids as it grips your shirt. When she pulls back you wipe tears from her cheeks.

“I believe in you. So much. Remember that and know you should always believe in yourself,” you emphasize, knowing the long road ahead. That’s the last day you ever time travel until the age of thirty.

/ Three Days Later /

Now that you have graduated from the mentoring program and gotten everything set for the new job in the United Nations Capital, you pack all your things before heading to Eve’s instructed secondary location from the hologram.

It leads to a very ordinary looking building in the outskirts of downtown. You circle the block until a few scratched zeros and ones on the sidewalk catch your attention. You lean down to run your fingers across them, staring intently until a code sequence fills your mind as Eve had shown you before. Scanning you find the glitch you were seeking and type in your own code: 529.

The sidewalk opens up and you whip around to see if anyone noticed, but everyone carries on walking like nothing happened - like they’re seeing a hologram of the world they walk in. You grip your bag and descend the stairs, shimmering out of existence to those without the Sight. You end up in a wide open room similar to old factories you’ve only seen in images, except this one is filled with a dozen other shaved-head kids staring right at you.

A girl with pale skin and short hair almost as white steps towards you, offering a hand. When you don’t shake it, just lift an eyebrow, she shoves her hands into her pockets and laughs. “Nice of you to finally join us, Eve.” Her amber eyes sparkle with mischief and happiness.

“Do I know you?”

“No, but we all know you. Or at least, our future selves do and have told us about you.” She smiles, and gestures to everyone else in the room with both hands.

“Welcome to Project Phoenix.”

///

inspired by this prompt

#short story #writing #writeblr #writing prompt #scifi #mine #project phoenix

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digitalmark18-blog · 6 years

Text

15 ways to run a terrible website

New Post has been published on https://britishdigitalmarketingnews.com/15-ways-to-run-a-terrible-website/

15 ways to run a terrible website

Image: fizkes, Getty Images/iStockphoto

If you’re old enough to remember the horrendous content displayed on Geocities websites back in the 1990’s you can call yourself a seasoned internet veteran. You can find some hilarious examples around the web, but suffice to say, the dawning age of the internet was one of experimenting with what worked—and what didn’t.

More for CXOs

Websites have come a long way since then, and for the most part are more polished and professional, especially business-related sites. However, there remain some stubborn pet peeves among users, which plague some sites and drive away customers (or potential ones).

With that in mind, here are 15 tongue-in-cheek tips on how to run a terrible website.

SEE: Job description: User experience specialist (Tech Pro Research)

1. Require a certain browser/plugin

It amazes me that some sites still depend on a certain browser, or at the very least offer their full range of features and accessibility on only one browser. For instance, I deal with two business-related sites at my job that depend on using Internet Explorer.

I suppose it’s understandable if the company makes said browser (such as Microsoft). However, in many cases it’s simply a fact that the web server or various related apps aren’t elegant enough to support the range of available web browsers out there.

Worst of all are the sites, which don’t bother telling you that they depend on a specific browser for best results, forcing you to guess (or abandon your efforts to use the site entirely).

It’s the same for plugins. Being told that you have to install an Adobe plugin, for instance, can turn into a frustrating exercise. Some users may have locked-down browsers, which they can’t add plugins to. Chrome is usually the best of the bunch here, often already having the necessary additions, but for best results avoid such requirements where possible.

SEE: Hiring kit: User experience specialist (Tech Pro Research)

2. Use a cumbersome URL

How can you spot an amateur website? The URL often gives it away. What works better: www.company.com or www.joeandbobstastyclamshack.com? To work well, keep the URL short and snappy, especially for people who type it in manually. What’s worse? Using a hosted site with a link like www.hostingorg.com/joeandbobstastyclamshack.com.

For the above example I’d go with www.jbclamshack.com.

3. Annoy or distract the user

One of my biggest gripes as an IT guy is when I google a certain problem, click a link to a vendor website (which purports to offer a solution), start avidly reading, and then get hit with a pop-up asking me to take a survey. I have responded affirmatively to 0.00% of such requests.

It’s also frustrating to use an ad-blocker and be told by a website that you can’t view any content until you disable said ad-blocker. I realize websites depend on ad revenue to exist, but such heavy-handed approaches cause many users (myself included) to just go somewhere else.

SEE: Research: The evolution of enterprise software UX (Tech Pro Research)

4. Make the user login to interact with the site

It is time-consuming and cumbersome to force a user to create a login account and login to interact with a website. I realize many sites must require this for you to post content, such as when replying to a news article, as spammers and scammers would quickly overrun such comments sections posting nonsense. However, it’s absurd when a site demands that you create an account simply to give an article a virtual thumbs-up.

5. Make the user log in and then take them to the homepage

We’ve all come across a website where you are told to log in to proceed with your action, such as replying to another user’s comment.

As I’ve said, that’s fair enough to prevent spammer or scammer antics, but when the user logs in, make sure they’re not taken directly to the site’s homepage—let them continue with their action. Nobody wants to hunt for the content they just wanted to reply to.

6. Set a low timeout threshold

Banks are notorious for this, and I suppose I understand why, but it still causes stress. While conducting my banking online I might lose focus on the site by figuring out my checkbook details, for example, and invariably the site times me out. Then I have to log in again. So, when I pay bills online I often hurry to get the amounts entered and logged so I can click Submit as quickly as possible.

A timeout session of five minutes is fair, but anything shorter than that inconveniences and aggravates the user, making the site less desirable.

SEE: Research: Defenses, response plans, and greatest concerns about cybersecurity in an IoT and mobile world (Tech Pro Research)

7. Design a lousy layout/navigation

A website without an intuitive interface or one that limits the user’s ability to easily find what they’re looking for is burdensome.

I recall one famous printer manufacturer website, which was laid out so poorly that it was extremely hard to find drivers and downloads for my device.

Another vendor website actually had the Chat tech support function hidden so successfully that I could only reach that link by Googling it. That’s a very bad vendor mistake.

SEE: Cybersecurity strategy research: Common tactics, issues with implementation, and effectiveness (Tech Pro Research)

8. Provide substandard or no search capability

Without a search function your website is doomed. Yes, it’s possible to offload that task to Google, but many already know how to do that.

Worse than no search function is a bad search function. To search for phrases and receive irrelevant or no results at all is unforgivable. Make sure the search option works well—and quickly, too. That spinning wheel (or similar Please Wait icon) leads to exasperation.

9. Provide no (or poor) mobile access

Let’s face the facts: Many of us have to access websites on our phones. A site which doesn’t have a mobile option (like m.facebook.com), or which renders very poorly on a mobile phone browser isn’t one many people will want to use.

10. Utilize cumbersome or non-working two-factor authentication

Two-factor authentication involves something you know (a password), and something you have (a one-time code). It generally entails the use of an RSA token or a special code transmitted to your phone or email, for instance. This is required to log in.

I fully understand and support the need for two-factor authentication, but when there are too many hoops to jump through it becomes tiresome. I don’t need to have a code sent to my mobile phone EVERY time I try to log into my carrier’s website, or just because I’m logging in via a different PC.

Worse is when I enter my mobile number or email address to receive the code—then wait. And wait. And wait.

If you use two-factor authentication, make sure it performs in top-notch fashion.

See: IT leader’s guide to cyberattack recovery (Tech Pro Research)

11. Don’t maintain or update links

You know what screams “stale website?” Outdated links. When users click on the URLs you provide, those URLs should go to their intended destinations, otherwise the site loses credibility—and so do you.

12. Don’t update content

Content on a website should be reviewed and updated on a periodic basis. If instructions or details change, make sure to reflect this on your website.

Also, make sure to retire obsolete content, which is no longer relevant or valid, so as to avoid wasting users time with misleading or incorrect information.

SEE: Quick glossary: Computer graphics (Tech Pro Research)

13. Make it difficult to contact you

We’ve all hunted for it. That elusive link on a website, which provides information for how to contact the website operators or customer service group. While I’m sure website owners would love for everything users need to be located on the site, but this isn’t always the case. Provide a Contact Us link on the main page containing phone numbers, email addresses, physical mailing addresses and a feedback field, which allows users to communicate directly with you.

Which leads me to my next point…

14. Don’t request or act upon communication and feedback

Invite your users to get in touch with you via the previous suggestion—and make sure to monitor communication and answer queries/requests in a timely fashion. When you facilitate contact from users, and then ignore or disregard, it’s as if you are pulling a football away from someone trying to kick it.

15. Don’t apply operating system or application patches

You don’t want your website to become a Typhoid Mary whereby it gets infected or hacked, and then turns around and attacks users who access it. Always apply all operating system or application patches to keep your site secure—as well as data of your users confidential. Your business depends on it.

Also see

Source: https://www.techrepublic.com/article/15-ways-to-run-a-terrible-website/

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generouslyteenagealpaca-blog · 6 years

Text

Does making payments on a car make insurance cheaper?

"Does making payments on a car make insurance cheaper?

my mother in law is about to buy us a car and we are going to b paying her back. so i can either put that we are owning the car or making payments on the car in the insurance questionnaire. but i was wondering what difference it made. does making payments on the car make your insurance cheaper or more expensive or cheaper? i googled it but couldnt find an anwer

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Who has the cheapest full coverage insurance in ca?

I need help!!!! where can i find health coverage?

Every day I suffer from pain. I have a wife and kids to support and an autistic son, so my wife cannot work, that way she can give him the care he needs. Medi-cal sent me a rejection. I can't get insurance because they all say they won't cover me for a pre-existing condition. I tried applying for the states pre existing healthcare program, they said I couldn't get coverage because my birth certificate has a different name than I have now. Hey......I have no control over the decisions mom made. I need help.!!! I struggle every single day and minute with this pain. I have a doctor that I pay cash to see, every time I go he gives me heck about writing a pain med. Script. Talks down to me really. He only gives a little bit, and its hard to find a cash doctor at all who would even offer these at all because of the people who abuse it. I'm at wits end, I'm ou of options if anybody knows of a program in California or anything federal that can help a white male, in the 30's, self employed, with a debilitating condition, make too much to be a bum, not enough to afford paying my own way through medical procedures, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!""

Do I need to pay for insurance when I have my temps in Ohio?

My mom has insurance on her car, but I wanted to know do I have to pay for separate insurance for me?""

How much will my insurance go up?

I was trying to merge onto the freeway when the lady in front of me made an inexplicable complete stop on the on ramp. I slammed on my brakes and rode the ABS down to about 15MPH when I hit her. Turns out she was on heroine, and CHP arrested her at the scene. The chippy's were really cool and said my situation was totally understandable , but said my insurance may not see it that way. (the damage to the crack head's car was minimal, and she was not injured) I'm not going to claim the damage to my car. I can fix it myself. So lets say with a little paint and body work, her repair cost is $1000.......how much will my insurance go up? I am 23, and have a flawless driving record until today.""

CAR INSURANCE?????????????

when buying a car i know you have to have car insurance before you drive up but does that necessarliy means they want know you have it but do they let you drive off the lot first or do you give the dealership the insurance money!!!!!!??????????????/

Affordable health insurance?

Dental, health.. I need to know the best way to go about it. Thanks.""

Sr22 insurance Texas?

I need an sr22 insurance for Texas, but a cheap one. Any tip?""

Do you need insurance for a 50cc scooter in florida?

How does paying for car insurance monthly work?

im thinking of taking out a policy with co-operative insurance. The cost is 2300 per year , but they want 700 up front and the rest to be payed in ten monthly installments. When would i start paying the monthly installments , would it be straight away?""

Insurance for penis ?

Is there any Insurance scheme for penis ? i'm worried . beacuse i use it too much . need help .

Car Accident-Health Insurance?

I was in a low-impact car accident and went to the ER the next day to get checked up just incase. I went to my doctor because of back pain and when I mentioned I was in a car accident. They told me I could not go through my health insurance that it has to be through my car insurance. It turns out I have herniated discs and now my doctor has referred me to see an orthopedic surgeon but, I do not feel that the car accident was the cause of the herniated discs. I asked again if I can treatment through my health insurance and I was told by one of the office assistants that it is fraud if I use my health insurance. If I explain to my doctor that I fell down the stairs and insist that I do not want to through through my car insurance because I do not feel the car accident was the cause will he change his mind and refer me to the specialist using my health insurance or should I go through another doctor.""

Is it true you dont need a license or insurance to drive a scooter?

Im interested in buying a scooter because i have heard you dont need a license or insurance to drive one. I need a way to get to work easier (right now i take the bus) and i cant afford any kind of insurance right now. I dont have a car and i dont have a drivers license. Plus from what i have seen scooters are way cheaper then cars. why dont you need a license for a scooter and what is the difference between a scooter and a moped? I think i read you DO need a license for a moped but not a scooter.

Does it matter who drives which car under the same insurance policy?

I have an 08 Toyota Corolla S and my dad has a 95 Toyota Pickup. I'm 19 and we're under the same policy with AAA. Would it make a difference in cost if they put me as the driver of the Corolla as opposed to the Pickup? If so about how much? Currently I'm with the Pickup and my dad's with the Corolla.

Renters insurance cant get homeonwers?

im about to payoff my mobile home and own it but i cant get homeonwers insurance since i own my mobile home could i just get renters insurance and protect my belogings inside my trailer. keep in mind in paying a month lot rent fee for my trailer to sit on someone elses property.

What is the best insurance for a pregnant woman?

So I got a girl pregnant. We are not married. I have a good job making plenty of money but do not have benefits. She does not have benefits or make enough to afford health insurance. What is the best route for us to take to make sure we have the best care for her and the baby during pregnancy and after birth?

""How to apply for Louisiana Children's Health Insurance Program, LACHIP?""

Are you looking for a low cost health insurance program for your children? Do you live in Louisiana? Well, I just recently found a program called LACHIP that offers affordable healthcare coverage for children. Step1 I'm a stay at home mom, and for awhile my child was getting sick all the time. Our insurance was good but, it didn't cover everything. Then suddenly, my boss told me that she was cutting my hours. I frantically started seeking healthcare insurance that was affordable but, would cover everything we needed. That's when I found a program called LACHIP. Basically, LACHIP is a no-cost or low-cost medicaid health insurance program for children. Step2 First thing, you need to find out if you qualify for the program. The program is basic on income. To find out the income guidelines, contact your medicaid office. They will also give you an application to fill out. To find out your medicaid office contact information, go to: http://www.dhh.state.la.us/offices/contacts.asp?ID=119 Step3 Finally, when you get the application in the mail, fill it out and return it back to the office. Now when I filled mine out, I did not have to put a stamp on the envelope because it was already pre-paid. Then within about a week, someone from the medicaid office will call you and tell you if you are approved or not. If you are approved, then you will receive a medicaid card in the mail for your child(ren) within 6 weeks. Once you receive it, you use the card anywhere medicaid is accepted. Also, don't forget to ask your medicaid representative to include a list of things that medicaid covers. For more how to articles, please visit http://www.ehow.com/members/kleighwickham.html?view=3rd""

Whats the best dental insurance to cover for braces? AmeriPlan?

braces for adults in general...? and what exactly is AmeriPlan... if they are not insurance...what are they? and are they dependable?

What is a good looking car that is cheap on insurance?

I am 15 and I am trying to figure out which car would be the best for me. I want to nice looking car that is not to fast because the insurance will be to much. I was looking at the Honda Civic and the Mazda 3. Any ideas? I do not want to spend more than 7 grand.

How does my car insurance work ?

Am i insured to drive my car if after traveling to work i then leave early but am still being paid for the hours contracted , this being that my car insurance allows me to commute to and from a single place of work ?""

Can Chevrolet Dealership repair vehicles with insurance?

So someone smashed into my parked vehicle. It is a chevrolet and the insurance is covering it and I can take it to a repair shop of my choice. I was wondering if the chevrolet dealership where I bought the car to can do those repairs? It is axel and bodywork damage. All help will be much appreciated thank you.

Does anybody know an affordable but good health insurance?

i just recently lost my insurance and was wondering if anybody knew of a cheap affordable but good health insurance plan???? please help!!!

Does my aunt need insurance to drive with a learners permit in CA?

My aunt just got passed the written test in the DMV and got a learners permit. I will be the one who will teach her how to drive. I have a valid CA license and the car we are driving is my uncle's. It is insured in his name, but he added me to his policy. Do we need to go to the insurance company and add my aunt to the policy or can I just teach her because I am insured with the car.""

Forcing to get car insurance?

Two years ago, my ex and I bought a car under her name. It was registered in her name, and the loan was in her name. The insurance was in mine. We split up, and now neither of us drives the car. She didn't have a license at the time of purchase, and she still doesn't, but I did. The dealer told us that we could get the loan in her name, and register it in mine, even though she didn't have a license. When we got the plates, it was registered in her name. The dealer said that was fine, and it was nothing to worry about. We found out that this is illegal to do in New Jersey. We tried to get the dealer to rectify the situation, but they wouldn't touch it. Now, the car doesn't have any insurance or a registration, and a representative from the bank says that they can force her to get car insurance, even though she doesn't have license. Is this legal? Can a bank force someone to get insurance, even if they aren't even legal to drive in NJ? Please help me with this.""

Buying a car and insurance?

The bank has pre-approved me for 11k. I have talked the dealer down to $8,500 for the truck i want. My insurance is going to be around $1,200 for 6 months. If i get the auto loan for 10k, will i be able to use the excess money to pay my insurance. I believe i read that the check from the bank will be written out to the dealer, but what will happen with the excess money?""

What's a good place in california for insurance?

""Can I purchase, insure and register a motorcycle with a temp license in California?""

Hey everyone. I passed my motorcycle skill test six weeks ago, but haven't received my motorcycle license yet. And I want to buy a motorcycle and ride legally commuting everyday. I wonder if it is OK to purchase, insure and register a motorcycle? Thanks.""

Who has the cheapest full coverage insurance in ca?

How do I get car insurance for my 1972 VW Van????

I can get basic coverage for my van but not full coverage. Does anyone know where i can get full coverage for this van. I drive this van more than 12000 miles a year

Is my son even covered under our car insurance?

My 21 year old son not only is no longer in college he also got married 3 months ago. I have not canceled him from our multi-car policy, I guess just so he will have car insurance (liability, required in our state), but I know he was supposed to be removed when he got married, as he is no longer in our household. I also would like to remove him so I can benefit from a lower premium. He keeps saying he can't afford it, so I keep paying the bill each month, that includes his car on it. I guess I am asking if he got into an accident would the insurance even be good, as he isn't even living in our house and he's married. I may have wasted my money these last 3 months anyway, but don't want him to get caught with what appears to be uninsured, without a valid insurance card in the glove box.""

Is car insurance much cheaper if you have more than one vehicle?

I heard that it is, so I call Esurance to ask them and make sure and the lady on the phone said that it will be much higher if I insured 2 vehicles. -civic 4door year2000 -ford winstar year2000 -New York""

How can I see a doctor without insurance?

I really can't afford to go lately and don't see any foreseeable future in which I could afford it. My job doesn't offer insurance. and I really think I ought to speak with a Dr. about dual diagnosis issues

Is insurance high for a base acura rsx or just the s-type model?

I'm a 21 year old male with one speeding ticket. I like the design on the rsx, but I've heard insurance is ridiculous on them. Is this true for the both models, or is the insurance rate for the base model significantly less than the type-s model? Thanks for any help!""

Do i need auto insurance to rent car through Hertz?

I don't have a car now, and so, no auto insurance. I want to rent a car to Philadelphia airport this Saturday. When reserved through Hertz, does the rate includes the insurance too. If not, what kind of insurance do i need to take.""

Car insurance - using someone else's non claim discounts?

is it legal in Uk to drive a car with insurance that is cheap because i am using someone else's - living in other country no claim discounts?

How much car liability insurance should a person have for complete coverage without over insureing?

Can I have a car title in my name & insurance in my dads?

Right now I am listed as a Second Driver under his insurance, and he is on the title of my car. Makes it so I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for insurance as a college student. 270 every 3 months for full coverage is great. I'm getting a new (used) car. I am putting down 3/4 in cash and the rest in a small loan. He is an extremely busy person so I was wondering if I could purchase the car with the title in my name and still be listed as a 2nd driver under his insurance, but the car be under his name/insurance, even though the car is in my name?""

Who has the cheapest car insurance in maryland?

How can I make sure the Insurance company declares my car totaled if it received enough damage?

My boyfriend fell asleep while driving and damaged my car pretty badly. It got towed because it is not drivable at this point. This happened on Friday morning, and today, Monday, I got a call from my insurance asking me to find a mechanic for the repairs. Then he followed by asking if I knew where the car was. Isnt he supposed to get an estimate of the car before he decides if its worth any repairs? Or is that my job? Also, Im afraid that the mechanic will just fix the car to please the insurance company, but Id rather the car just get totaled. I dont want to have future problems because it is my understanding that the transmission got pulled out. Im not sure what to do. Im thinking of just choosing the dealerships collision department for the repairs. How do I make sure that if the car has too much damage, it is declared totaled?""

Can insurance and credit card?

i want to pay monthly to the car insurance company> interest for monthly payments is 8.5% people said go and get a credit card and pay that back 0% but am i best just to pay the car insurance company? i dont know if i would get a credit card as ive not applied for one before and dont know about my credit rating it would only be 4-5 extra monthly to pay the insurance co with interest? is it worth the hassle? as i want to book insurance now. help?

Car insurance for a new driver.?

How much money would car insurance be for a 16-year old teenage boy? My birthday falls weird so i get my lisence when im sophmore.

Car insurance for new driver that will not drive far..?

HI, I am turning 17 in november, and already looking at cars. The cars i am looking at are getting insurance at over 5000 (im male) a year fully comp! The car is only like 2500..... The thing is i will barely use my car as i live really close to school, so will walk all weekdays - especially as i am banned from parking in school as i live too close. I will occasionally use it on weekends - but if i go out in the evening im not going to take my car - drink driving.. So the only time i will use my car is quite alot in the holidays and very occasionally on some weekends, and therefore think 5k for a few car trips is ridiculous.. So is there any form of insurance where you pay for how far you drive? BTW the cars i was loooking at are 1L's, peugeots and vauxhalls mainly. These ok? Im looking at nothing over 60,000 miles and 7 years old max - i think i will do 3000 max a year. IM looking to sped about 2500 on a car, but need cheaper insurance than that! Hope you can help Many Thanks""

About how much does full coverage auto insurance cost for a ford focus?

And how much would it be for a kia forte koup?

I am 30 and just got my UK licence and want to buy a car. Any tricks to getting cheap insurance?

I have had my NZ drivers licence since I was 16 and many years of no-claims. However, I haven't owned a car or insurance policy in the UK. Any tops for not having to pay very high premiums? I would love to get a sports car, but it's looking very expensive. (Would it be worth registering in girlfriends name and being a named driver?)""

How an insurance brokeage business works?

i want to know how an insurance brokeage works in simple points please!!!! thank u!

I need to buy a car cheap on gas/insurance. i have 2 boys and they need car seats..?

The car seats can be the smaller skinnier type. I am debating with a nissan sentra and maybe a mitsubishi lancer. I need something basic with a great warranty and still a little room. What do you think? Anyone own a lancer or sentra with pointers on if its a good car for a couple carseats?

What would be cheaper on insurance?

I'm thinking of getting a 1987-1995 jeep wrangler yj or a 1992 acura integra. Which would be cheaper on insurance? thanks.

Where to find a reliable and cheap insurance for my 2008 car?

I'm frustrated with my previous insurance company, it's expensive and unreliable which means most of the time they dont pay my claims. :'(""

""No fault claim on car insurance, will rate go up?""

My truck was hit by a car while parked in valet parking. The valet company was not driving the other car, it was a lady who tried to get around my truck because she did not want to use the valet. The valet company took her insurance information and wrote a report indicating what happened. I only have a few deep scratches on my bumper, but it is a new car and kind of want to get it fixed because it is new. I was hesitant to call my insurance and tell them about it because I have heard that a claim is a claim on my record regardless of fault. I did call my insurance to discuss the situation and when I could ask if my insurance would go up for a no fault claim, the lady told me she just filed the claim and an adjuster would contact me in a few days to answer all my questions. If it is only a few hundred dollars in damage, I would have rather paid it myself than have a claim. Anyone experience anything like this and how long does claim stay on record in case I have a real claim someday?""

Car Insurance?

Is it normal for a car insurance company to send a questioner to it's clients who had an accident? They asked the same questions I told them on the phone and I had to get the form notarized to send in with my answers. They we're asking what time, where it happened, who was I with, did I ever file a claim before, and the last two pages had to do with fraud.""

Insurance help- good insurance?

MY dad n step mom were going to claim me on their insurance as long as they could (age 26) i just turned 19 and my dad n step mom divorced, my stepmom dropped my dad and i off the insurance but my dad has no insurance bc he owns his own business where hes the only employee and i am now left with no insurance, i am currently searching for a job. i need insurance ideas, i live in oklahoma. We have soonercare but i do not qualify bc i am over age 18 and do not have a kid. So my question where are some good health insurance companys to try and enroll for?""

Life insurance thc test?

Does anyone know if country companies tests for thc for their life insurance policies?

Full coverage car insurance?

My parents are the primary insurance holders of the car insurance. It is full coverage and the 1st wreck since having this insurance which has been 5 years for this car. I am on the insurance but not a primary driver. I was involved in a car wreck on my car but my friend was driving and I was in the passenger seat. Since it is full coverage what happens? Do they have to have proof that I said he could drive? Or do they just go about and get it fixed and not say anything since the car is under full insurance? I have I clue when it comes to car insurance so of someone could explain everything the best they can it would be greatly appreciated

Who has the cheapest full coverage insurance in ca?

If i buy 2008 BMW M3 - how much would i have to pay for insurance?

i am 17 years old Ontraio Canada the car should come in white, alarm system, no tinted windows fair safety rating...""

Who has the best car insurance rates in New Jersey?

South Jersey Resident. 26 year old male with a clean driving record.

CHEAPEST CAR INSURANCE FOR 21YO?

I'M 21 YO HAVE HAD MY LICENCE SINCE 16 WITH NO ACCIDENTS OR TICKETS AND WANT TO INSURE MY CAR FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY OWN WHAT'S A CHEAP CAR INSURANCE?

Aetna student health insurance cover accutane?

Does anyone know whether Aetna STUDENT health insurance cover accutane? I don't know whether regular Aetna and Aetna Student are the same. also, for guys who have taken accutane, do we take the ipledge too? if so, how long do we have to wait before taking our first pill?""

Health Care/Insurance...Right or Responsibility?

I see many on both sides have their own opinion on this issue. Many on the right claim it's a 'responsibility' while several on the left think it should be a 'right'. Why do you ...show more

Approx how much for car insurance for 18 year old to drive parents car?

I do not have my own car, but I have had my license since September, I have not driven since because I have no car nor insurance. I really want to drive again, it's hard for me to have just gotten my license and not being able to use it. However, I am not stupid, and would never even think about it without insurance. My mom says that I can drive my dads car when it is available if the insurance isn't too much. She emailed the woman who takes care of the insurance and she told my mom she wouldnt ask because they would automatically make them pay whether I would drive the cars or not. (We have 2) ANYWAY, I live in CT, and I cannot find anywhere that says how much it would cost approx a month in insurance for me to drive my Dads car (2010 Toyota Camry) Would really appreciate a response to this. :)""

My job offers awful health insurance?

Our company got bought out & our new employer is doing open enrollment for health insurance next year. I currently have roughly a $75 monthly premium with a $500 deductible, then the employer pays 80%. The insurance I'm being offered has a $60 monthly premium, $100 deductible, then the insurer pays 80%, but only pays a max of $750 for the year. As it was explained to me, it is like partial health insurance-but I think this won't be enough to cover what I need. I had major surgery last month & even after meeting my deductible, the out of pocket expenses were a struggle. So should I get a HSA or apply for supplemental health insurance? The other employees at my company are in the same position as I am & I feel awful having to look elsewhere for better coverage. No spam please, I beg you!""

What are the top 5 cars that cost the most for auto insurance??

Help with Car Insurance?

My current car insurance will expire tomorrow at 11:59pm and the new one will take effect at 12:01am. Am I going to have an issue with that 1 minute of non coverage? I know this might sound silly but I just don't know if that will be some kind of an issue. Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

Can i pay for my car insurance weekly?

i am 20 years old and im finding it hard to get insured. is it possible for me to get insurance for a week and only use the car on the weeks that i insure it? it would work out cheaper for me that way because i would only pay insurance on the weeks i need the car... thanks

""How Much is Car Insurance going to cost for a 1997 corvette, if I am 16?

Is it true that the older cars cost less to insure?

First time having car insurance of my own...?

I am getting my first car next month and I was wondering how should I determine how much insurance I need to have. I'm buying a care that cost 3600 and is worth 4000 right now and I'm a college student even though I don't not travel to and from home much. How would I determine what I need and dont need as far as coverage goes? I will be paying cash so no car payments.

Insurance's on a 16 year old driver?

i am 16 years old and i am looking for cars.. i found a used 2006 audi a6, i really like it and i want it to be my first car!!! does any body know how much it would cost too insure me under it ??????????""

Sports car with low insurance cost?

i'm 16 and i'm going to get a car when i'm 18. i'm saving up more money so i can get a good car. i take cars very seriously. i was thinking of getting a 1990-1996 miata or a car like that. i want a want a good looking car that has rwd and manual transmission.

Car insurance goes down after you turn 25?

I recently turned 25 and got my renewal for my car insurance. I know it goes down after you turn 25. I got a ticket last November. Of course, it went up. But was my car insurance suppose to go down after I turned 25? Even though I got a ticket.""

Car insurance????????????

how long before my insurance is up will i recieve my renewal quote?

Car insurance for 18 year olds?

I'm 18 years old and I'm trying to find out how much it would be for me?

Right now Im on my parent's car insurance policy b/c im 17 but im looking to move out soon?

Can someone please tell me how much your car insurance goes up once you are on you own plan. im paying 360 every three months now.

How do you know if you qualify for Medicaid?

How much do you have to make be eligible for your baby to be placed in the Medicaid Insurance when born? And, is it easy to get or is there usually a long wait or anything? Thanks :)""

What insurance companys will insure you at the age of 17?

what insurance companys will insure people at the age of 17

What is the best dental insurance company to get for a low income individual?

I'm getting by on a min wage, part time job....However, we really need dental care. Does anybody know of a good company to look into?""

Does a single man in his 20's need health insurance?

My boyfriend is 25 and does not have health insurance, does he heed it?? Does he need life insurance, or any other type of insurance??""

Will Health insurance costs be lower now that they are making us get it?

How much will we be Taxed if we still can't afford it ?

How much will my insurance go up?

I live in Maine, I was pulled over yesterday for doing 74 in a 65. I got a ticket obviously. It's my first one EVER. I am 24 and my parents pay my car insurance. I wanted to just pay it and not tell them about it because they will get mad. We have our car insurance through State Farm and have for a really long time. Some of my friends are telling me that since it's my first ever ticket it shouldn't effect my insurance too much. Is this true???""

Will like to know what car insurance company is the most affordable?

whats the most affordable car insurance out there? any one know's ?

Who has the cheapest full coverage insurance in ca?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/range-rover-sport-insurance-marieke-fleming"

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short-years-long-days-blog · 7 years

Text

After: Day 37

I’ve had enough conversations with other moms now that I have decoded some obligatory Momspeak.

Most of my interactions have followed this exact pattern: When visiting a new mom (or I guess any woman who’s just had a baby, whether or not it’s her first), it is one’s duty to tell her, “You look amazing,” and as an acknowledgment of her accomplishment, say, “Good job, Mama.” The last required piece is a comment on the baby: “He’s/she’s so cute.”

Each time someone says, “Good job, Mama” to me, it takes me a minute to realize who people are referring to when they use the word “mama.”

Mama. Mother. Mom.

These titles conferred upon me feel foreign, awkward, like each of them is an ill-fitting shirt I’ve been asked to try on. None is comfortable. It makes think of The Namesake’s main character Gogol Ganguli, who doesn’t want to start kindergarten because, as his Bengali family’s tradition dictates, he will have to go by a new name, his formal name Nikhil: “He is afraid to be Nikhil, someone he doesn’t know. Who doesn’t know him.”[1]

My current life circumstances seem to qualify me for the designation of “mom,” but I’m going through the motions, half-convinced some authority with a clipboard will knock on the door one day and revoke my status.

It wasn’t until I was 32 that the prospect of being someone’s mother seemed even the vaguest possibility. Five years later, I am finally someone’s mother, and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who this “mama” is that people keep mentioning while they look at me. My pre-mother self is still out there, but she feels impossibly remote, astray, as if she now exists in a parallel universe.

I’m so glad we have friends who will unabashedly ask to come over and hold Otis. They also want to give me a break, but I’m pretty sure baby-holding is the priority, and that’s okay.

When our church friend/Malachi’s classroom assistant Carol came over to hold Otis today, I made a point of paying attention to how she talked to him. I am embarrassed to admit that I don’t really know how to do this. And the other day, I even forgot the words to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” The part of my brain storing that kind of information has completely shriveled up from disuse until now.

So I try my best. I narrate some of the things Otis and I do with my own call-and-response, for example, I’ll say, “Is it time to check that diaper? Let’s check that diaper,” or “Are you cold, honey? Yeah, it looks like you’re cold.”

And I’m guessing my doctor would say I’m doing just fine as long as I’m talking to him, but I run out of things to say. Talking to a newborn is the equivalent of talking to yourself, and I’ve never been one to do that. I even bought a voice recorder, years ago, with the intention of speaking ideas and inspirations aloud when it was too inconvenient to write them down.

But I never used it, not once. I kept packing and unpacking it as I moved from house to house, feeling a wave of guilt each time I saw it. After maybe eight years of this, I finally put it in a box for Goodwill. I felt stupid talking out loud to myself.

This is perhaps related to some deep-seated issues I have around using my voice, that go back to me creeping down to my parents’ bedroom and standing silently by their bed in the middle of the night. When asked what was wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to say I had a bad dream or was scared. I couldn’t say anything. Some kind of shame-based fear told me not to open my mouth.

So of course now, 30 years later, I’m afraid I’ll stunt my baby’s intellectual, psychological, and emotional growth because I can’t carry on a one-sided conversation with him. I think he’ll end up like those Romanian orphanage babies, with reactive attachment disorder, learning disabilities, and a failure to thrive.

So I eavesdropped on Carol and Otis for a few minutes, and realized that it’s as much about presence, enthusiasm, and tone as it is content. She just held him and put her face close to his, saying things like “You like looking up at those pictures, don’t you?” in a warm and gentle voice.

Shame tells me I’m doing something wrong if I can’t even remember nursery rhymes. So then I think I should try a different tack, like maybe letting loose a stream-of-consciousness diatribe on something meaningful, say, my thoughts on the state of 21st century free market capitalism…or Nabokov’s writing style…or, maybe, naturopathic medicine. However, my audience is mute, with the exception of snorting, grunting, and squealing.

Perhaps I’m overthinking it.

[1] Lahiri, Jhumpa. The Namesake. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2003.

#momspeak #identity crisis #baby talk #general cluelessness

0 notes

stuprosu · 7 years

Text

august 17th, 2017 10:38 PM

this is my first post of 2017. how fucking wild. so much has happened. i can do it by month, i am guessing? but i need to create a record. i need to write down my thoughts. lately, it has become too much, to think. i am angry all the time.

so, the last post was in november? i guess we’ll start in december, then, dear diary. it’s gonna be a long one.

[december] nothing too wild happened this month. final grades, wild snowstorms driving home. decent grades, no cuts, but they were still healing, noticeable. christmas, coming home for the holidays, almost a month off of school. got a new jacket. things between mom and i were /good/. i splurged on her for christmas. i genuinely loved her then.

[january] school started back up again. these were genuinely good months. classes were fine. only stresses were grades and finding a job. little luck with applications. hung out with renee and cade all the time, every day. new friends, more board game club. things were genuinely good. came home most weekends to see family. didn’t really notice anything deteriorate. i wasn’t around, though. cuts are healing fine.

[february] things are still grand. still don’t have a job but it helped me balance what money i had. went without groceries but you don’t need those. i guess the first descent into madness was cade dropping out of school. i love her so much and she left to be with her mom. i understood. but i cried a lot. i missed her so much. i still miss her. but i still had renee. nothing else major went on. nothing on jobs. no new cuts

[march] then, the only thing wrong with march was cade’s absence and the lack of a job. but i wasn’t home to see what was going on. dad got poison ivy really bad. mom’s highly allergic so he slept on the couch. mom started working out heavily. thing about my mom is she’s “disabled”. blames her handicapped on a car wreck 20 years ago that fucked up her nerves and gave her RSD. maybe that part’s true. but we’ve spent the last 10 years taking care of her. well, my brothers, garryck (17) and toby (13) and my dad have taken care of her. fixing all her meals, picking up shit she drops, bringing her her blanket, paying for all of her medicine. waiting on her hand and foot. after her ketamine infusions and her peak of addiction to pain killers, my mom had a commode set up in her room. my father would wipe her ass for her. change tampons. horrendous, awful shit that you only do for the ones you love without hesitation. my father is so in love with my mother. it breaks my heart. but yeah, enough history. march, dad starts sleeping on the couch for poison ivy. march, i apply for a job at a local library. i get an interview. i get the job. i start in april.

[april] i work now alongside my classes. only two weeks of class anyways. work is good, keeps me busy. still clinging to renee. dad is still sleeping on couch, though the poison ivy is gone. they dodge my questions of why. the love i have for my mother is dissipating. that love is such a fragile thing, between my mother and i. my family always took care of her, but i never did. i never did anything for her. she was a burden, a nuisance, and inconvenience and a waste of my time and would eventually die. she manipulated my family into doing things she could do herself. she was enabled. enabled over and over again. but never by me. which is why our relationship plummeted, never was positive.

i suffered the verbal abuse, the attacks after her highs on pain meds, or lack of, or a combination of those and the bipolar and just our ticking bomb of a fight that we woke with every morning. my dad would defend me. middle school was worst. 2013 was bad. even my sister was dragged in, asking me if i had my headphones on so i couldn’t hear the horrible, awful things my mother said about me. i lied. there was no music playing. i heard it all. i can’t remember what now, but perhaps i’ve suppressed it. perhaps it’s killing tiny parts of me still today. maybe i’m being melodramatic. maybe i’m not being dramatic enough.

but. this love i accumulated for my mother during those first six months of college. peaking in december. every mistreatment towards my father chips away. chips away, now that i look back, on everything. everything. april, i think, danielle had her mom, mary, ask my mom for danielle’s tablet back, that i had. i never properly paid her. we’re poor and forgetful, and it’s been since 2014 that i’ve had this tablet. danielle is just being petty. i told my mom to tell mary i don’t know where the tablet is. my mom knows i still use this tablet. i don’t ask her what she tells mary. this information is relevant.

[may] here comes the hell month. the height of my horror. the height of destruction. dear reader, you probably have a guess what is about to happen. everyone is in a tizzy. my dear brother is graduating highschool. he is awarded the alumni scholarship. posts of love and adoration on facebook from not one, but both parents. something i could have never achieved. i think i got a card, a hug. some permission for an ear piercing. regardless, i know the difference. but i love my brother and my father too much to cause a stir.

my brother has always been my mother’s favorite, but i don’t really care about her opinion. i’ve never held it in high regard. this is why i tell her important things. her thoughts do not scare me; her reactions, her feelings. they don’t affect me as my father or my aunt’s might. anyways. little brother graduates. all the proper family comes and gifts exchanged. all is well. i believe it was may seventeenth. my aunt came up to watch one of toby’s baseball games. my sister was there. it got rained out. we came home with pizza and my brothers, my sister, my aunt and my parents all killed each other. my aunt knew weeks prior. had stayed the night the day before. the night before i told her my worries. my dad had lost his job. we had lost our insurance. my knee hurt to walk on and i didn’t want to go to the doctor because we were so poor and had no money for trivial things like doctors. my aunt, as she always does, always has, reassured me. told me i would always be taken care of, no matter what. she told me she’d always love me, always.

she loved my brothers and i like her own children. when my mother was at her sickest, my aunt stepped in after she checked out. my aunt was phenomenal despite all the horrible shit she has been through. she has the most amazing and loving and accepting heart. i have never known anybody else in my entire love to love me as openly and as fiercely as she does. as zusak said. she steps on my heart. she makes me cry. but in the best ways. but what did my aunt know, you ask? she knew about my mother’s intentions. she knew why my mother was exercising and losing weight, her newest diets and protein shakes, her sudden purchase of a car. well, my father’s sudden purchase of a car. we didn’t need another car. my mother got her driver’s license. and then my father lost his job. and her sudden revamp on life came to a halt. but, after my brother graduated, she started right up again. and now it is the seventeenth. i wouldn’t get full marks for chronological placement if this were a paper, i’ll tell you that. i don’t care. you get the point. but here’s the bombshell. we are sitting in the living room, us all. my father tells us, “there’s no other way to put this. *good minute of silence* your mother and i are getting a divorce.”

that’s your big reveal? your secret, lex? yeah yeah, shut up. tons of kids have parents that get divorced. my own sister has divorced parents. ashlee, 25 now. half sister, share the same mom. she understands more than the boys. my mom never treated her well, either. blamed my sister, at 15, for wanting to live with her dad. practically abused her. partied during her infancy and dumped ashlee on her ex-husband. things i never knew, things my sister told me. things that watered the gnarly old tree that embodied that feeling of hatred towards my mother. but. we talked about the divorce, us all. my youngest brother and i cried. my mom cried at seeing us cry. i was angry about stupid shit then, and not the actual cause. i was going to miss the nuclear family, the complete celebrated holidays and birthdays and not having to shuttle around on thanksgiving or how to make one parent happy without hurting the other. i knew what came with a divorce and i didn’t want it. i wanted one thing of stability. college wasn’t stable, relationships aren’t stable, few things were. my family, my car, my cat.

i needed these things. but one of these things i couldn’t rely on. i could no long rely on that whole family unit, the unification of my parents in the hardships of life. instead, i got to ask my father while my mother stepped out to smoke if he wanted the marriage, if this was all mutual. i watched my father choke back his tears and tell me it wouldn’t be fair if he explained. he later told my sister he did not want the divorce and that he was still in love with my mother. he didn’t need to tell me. his tears confirmed it. my aunt held me. but everything was unraveling. everything. and i told them something i haven’t even recorded here in these entries.

i need to be more honest. college was fun, but i struggled. i struggled a lot. i don’t know why i decided to carve into my thighs with that rusted boxcutter. it wasn’t sharp enough for one solid, smooth cut. i had to drag that point over a cut and over a cut and over a cut and over a cut until it was finally deep enough that it bleed and i could make that trench longer in my own skin. cuts in the shower and in the bathroom and i never allowed them to heal. no, the long scabs came peeling off and i pulled them off despite the pain. but after a while i didn’t notice. i don’t know why i began. it baffles me still. it’s not a coping mechanism. i still haven’t cut myself since december. but. i told my family. and they didn’t know how to deal. my mom suggested therapy. my dad remained silent. he has never spoken about it. never. my sister has a few times. but. i couldn’t remain in that house. i had days off work.

i went back with my aunt and we talked for a good, long while. about everything. the divorce, the cutting, my depression and religion and past marriages and the future and our lives and how much we fucking loved each other so much that i cried at her words, at being loved so fervently and without hesitation. i love her so much. i don’t know how i’d make it through all of this without her. but i come back home. my aunt has reassured me once more that the divorce will make my parents better people, happier people. i believe her. my mom looks for a place to move. i go to work. dad finds a job. garryck works. mom doesn’t. mom exercises. mom is moody. the 24th of may i get curious. i want to know what happened between my mom and mary, danielle’s mother, and the conversation had about the tablet. my mom left her laptop open and unlocked. i open facebook. i look for the conversation with mary bailey. i cannot find it. all the conversations are only two or so months old. my mom has had her facebook since 2007 and i know she’s kept inboxes.

i’ve been a filthy snoop before, but never more than 2 or 3 minutes. this is different. the top two most recent conversations are both from men i do not know. one of the conversations mentions my siblings and i. i click on it. they are from a brad letts. he is asking how the kids took the divorce. my mom replied with “my boys are shaken but fine but my girls aren’t talking to me, which is expected.” who is this man and why is he asking about my siblings and i and the divorce? who the fuck? i scroll up to see previous conversations. i see sexts. i see explicit sexts. my mother and this man have been sexting each other for weeks, maybe more. there’s only so much i can allow myself to read. my mother is a filthy cheating whore. my parents have not divorced yet. the vows are still active. i go back to the inbox and click on the other man who i don’t recognize. less tame. but my mother sends him sexual pictures, flirtatious, clearly wanting to go and see him. he lives in california. i kept their names in a memo on my phone. i know these two men’s names and the date i found out. i am enraged. i exit out of facebook. i clear the history. i put the correct window back up. i move the mouse back to its position.

i let this knowledge fester within me. i am beyond angry. my mother hurt the man i love the most in this world for some shitty fucking guys on facebook. men who know that she is married and has children. my mother is a filthy, cheating, lying bitch who broke the heart of the man who would walk the ends of the earth for her and back and there and back again and again. my mother can fucking die in a hole. as far as i am concerned, she is not my mother.

[june] i wreck my car on the 12th. some asshole put gravel on asphalt and i spun out and hit a tree. i sell it for 250 bucks. i buy another for 425. it’s dirty and smells but it does the trick for now. this is getting to become a chore to type this all out. but i have to finish. i need to express. i don’t know when memorial day was. i think it was may. oh well, we’ll list it under june. we went down to kansas city, my brothers and dad and i, to visit my grandparents. they asked us how we were handling the divorce. my grandmother is angry with my mom. i am angry with my mom. it is a good combination. we both rant about my mother. i don’t tell her anything major, just what my grandmother already knows. we come back that night. my dad has a vet friend down there that gave us food for our dogs, cats, and ferrets, and even flea treatments. we’re still pretty poor so we accept it. the vet friend is an old friend of dad’s, back in highschool. my dad goes into see my mom. he closes the door. they begin yelling. my mom accuses my dad of cheating with this vet friend. my dad tells her that amy, the vet friend, has never been his girlfriend and never will be. my mom accuses my dad of breaking his vows. my mom knows that romances now are breaking the vows. she is a filthy filthy hypocrite. she can fuck off. i hate her projecting. it was after the 12th that i told my sister about my mom. it was over the phone, casual mention. and i elaborate. and we’re both raging. we’re both angry. we need to tell my aunt. my aunt is the only person on this earth that knows my mom and knows my dad. my aunt is my mother’s sister. her name is shanna, the one that loves me so much. the closest thing i’ve had to a mother. june and july blur together.

[july] the 12th of july i take my brother’s car (i did not purchase my new one yet) and go to leavenworth. the night previously i had told toby that i was going to leavenworth. i didn’t think he would tell my mom, but he did. the next day, my mom asks what i’m going to do in leavenworth. an easy lie. just going to hang out with ashlee, go to dinner, you know. we didn’t go to dinner. we went to my cousin’s breawna’s house, my aunt shanna’s daughter. my sister tells bre what my mom has done. i am going to tell my aunt. we sit down and i tell her. i tell her everything. my aunt is enraged. she knows one of the men. she, my mom, and him have been friends since highschool, apparently. my aunt is angry at herself, for thinking that her sister was genuinely getting better for her own sake, but in all actuality it was just a guy. my aunt has to go outside. she can’t go outside. everytime she tries, she comes back in and says something else about how angry she is. finally she gets outside to smoke. she comes back in and we talk for a while about everything. they tell me how my dad cared for my mom when she was sick, how my aunt cared for her, how everybody was manipulated by her. i cry because it hearts my heart so much, how after everything my dad did, it is just thrown back in his face like it was nothing. seventeen years, down the drain.

but i have to keep a smile. i have to save face. the plan is for me to confront my mom. to tell her what i know. my aunt will be there to make sure my mom does not verbally or physically attack me. then, i will give my mother an ultimatum. tell my dad about the cheating or i will tell him in my words. we haven’t done that yet, but i need to. christ, i need to. i cannot deal with my mother sharing pictures on facebook, how she’s become a better woman by cutting off the poison, how she’s been horribly heartbroken but now she’s risen from the ashes. all the negativity most definitely directed towards my father. everyone can see it. my aunt and my sister know, even my 13 year old brother has confided this to me. my mother moved out of our house july 28th. a few days before, we drove to atchison together to look at her new house. god, i smile looking back on this. she asks me how i am handling the divorce. i say fine, just dealing with it. she begins to cry. she says she doesn’t know what comes next. she has only been a wife and mother for 25 years, half of her life. she doesn’t know what to be now. she is crying in the seat next to me. she looks at me. she tells me she is afraid that her moving and the divorce will have an affect on our relationship, that she will never get to see me and that what we had will be gone. i assure her that won’t happen and that i’ll always be around.

i am a good liar.

it brings me solace, knowing how i can completely and utterly destroy my mother’s life after she ruined my father’s and mine. i will make her known. i will stop my father from sending her money. i will keep anybody from giving a shit about her. they’ll know you, liar. i used to regret my actions. but know this now.

i am relieved.

i have an excuse to cut you away, you're poisonous and wretched. you were nothing but a burden and a blight and you can rot with that dog i bought in that house the government bought. you are the definition of a parasite and a leech. keep your prayers. and you want a relationship with me?

[august] my sister goes to my cousin’s baby shower. my mother is there. the two exchange pleasantries. my mother informs my sister that she believes i am smoking pot. she tells my sister that i am spreading rumors that she is cheating. she heard this from the mailwoman. who the fuck is the mailwoman? i have told nobody besides my sister, my cousin, my aunt, and my two friends, who would not tell anybody. i don’t think you realize how big a secret can eat away at you, at your mentality, on your outlook on life. this burden is going to bury me. but, my mother is already on the defense. i need to hurry it up. i need to get in contact with my aunt. we need to burn this bridge.

my next entry will hopefully have that encounter recorded. no, it will. i won’t make one until i have.

things are changing, dear diary. let’s see how this all pans out.

#journal #ninth post #august 17th #2017

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