#while amy was having an anxiety attack. YOU CANNOT DO THAT! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yesifitswithyou · 2 years

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I'm Here | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

ok so i've recently started rewatching brooklyn 99 and remembered i had this fic so im posting it appropriately here on tumblr too. i'm gonna apologize right away cuz i wrote this long ago and i didn't proofread it before doing this post so... sorry?

btw this is an amy/rosa fic

also available on AO3!

Summary:

Amy Santiago receives a case in which a family of three (husband, wife and kid) got murdered. She cannot solve it, which plays with her mental health.

Rosa has to look for a way to help her girlfriend go through this unusually difficult time.

Triger Warnings: Self-Harm, Anxiety, Panic Attacks

The light went through the curtain and got over Amy's laptop and files. She's been awake for a while now, working on a case. Trying to crack it. But it wasn't like other easy solvable cases. It was a huge case. A huge, weird, complicated case. The Johnson’s where this three-membered family that was brutally murdered. A husband, a wife and a 5 year older. Even though she had dealt with this type of case before, there was a huge lack of clues. A lack of clues and a long list of potential suspects. It certainly looked like a dead end.

Amy was sitting on the cold floor of the bedroom when someone on the bed next to her made a sound. Amy turned her head almost instantly, with an almost invisible smile on her lips. It was Rosa. Of course, it was Rosa. They’ve been sharing an apartment for a while now. A month and 2 weeks, to be specific.

"Morning, Santiago"

"Morning." Amy talked while getting on her feet and taking a few steps forward the bed. She sat down and got closer to the hairy mess on the other side. Rosa looked tired and sleepy but, somehow, she still managed to look stunning. Amy got close to her and admired her beauty a couple of seconds before she caresses Rosa's cheek while saying in a whisper, almost inaudible, "Happy anniversary, babe" before shortly pressing her lips against Rosa's.

She couldn’t help it. It was too cheesy, but Rosa still loved that cheesy shit for some reason she couldn’t figure out yet. But she loves that woman so much. Rosa wanted more. More of Amy’s soft lips touching her own and more of her hand caressing her skin. She grinned, being too tired to even try to hide it.

"Another year already, huh?" Rosa said before leaving another peck on Amy’s lips. A longer one, but still a peck.

Her voice was deep and raspy. It gave shivers to Amy. And a teethed smile escaped from her own lips after they left Rosa’s.

August 15th. All the happy thoughts have already left Santiago’s stressed head. Amy now had fifteen days to crack The Johnson’s case and there was no way she could finish it in two weeks. She refused to have her hopes up. It led nowhere. She had never been so caught up on a case. Shit, it was too much. She needed to solve it no matter what. She’s a great detective, she can’t leave a case just like that.

The reason why she was so into it was as much of a mystery as who killed them. Maybe it was the age of the little kid. Maybe he reminded her of her little cousin Pablo. Maybe it was the similarity that the husband had with that old picture of her grandpa when he was younger. Maybe it was that they had the same furniture as her own parents.

Or maybe it was the fact that the wife looked so much like Rosa. At first glance, she would have sworn it was Diaz. Fuck, she swore it was her. Even though she had seen her a few minutes ago, she couldn’t help but think it was her.

But that didn’t matter now. What mattered was that she must finish that case. She and only she by herself. It was Rosa who was on that floor with six shots – three on her chest, two on the leg and one on the abdomen-. No. No, it wasn’t… but still.

Flashes of the Captain’s words kept coming to her head and made her stress more than she already was.

"I know you have been working very hard on The Johnsons' murder case, but I have been informed this morning that Major Crimes is wanting it"

Amy's stress wasn't subtle. At all. She was constantly going from side to side. Looking for clues in the crime scene all over again. Braiding her hair frenetically. Singing awkward old songs when she was trying to focus. Skipping meals. Breaking her sleeping schedule. Not sleeping at all. It was eating her alive. The fact that she was running out of time drove her crazy. How could she not solve a murder case? What kind of detective would she be if she didn’t solve this? It was supposed she was a good detective. Why, then, was this so fucking hard?

"If the case is not solved for the end of the month, Major Crimes is taking it. That is what the superiors had told me. Dismissed."

Amy's body was curled up in the middle of her bed with the sheets over her, thinking about the case, trying to link what she has already memorized. Her knees were in her chest and her head was between them, feeling defeated already. A couple of tears were already coming out of her eyes. It's been days since she last had more than 5 minutes of sleep. It was on August 25. Her stress was increasing as the clock was running, but just like her case, Amy couldn’t move forward. She was already blocked. She doesn’t want to step back, but she isn’t going forward either. Plus, her third mental breakdown of the week left her exhausted. Or was it a panic attack? She’s not sure anymore.

Without any previous warning, tears began to fall down her cheeks… for the fourth time that day. They were silent tears at first, but the knot in her throat was too much and soon she started sobbing without any control.

Why haven’t you solved it? It’s just a stupid case! Solve it! You need to solve it! Why are you so stupid to solve this!

Her own mind was torturing her.

"Come on, Santiago, open the door." Rosa was knocking their bedroom door for the second time this afternoon. "I know you're in there, open up."

No response, just like earlier today.

“Amy, open the damn door.”

Rosa realized she would get nowhere by knocking the door any longer, but she couldn't step back. Even though she didn't want to admit it, she was scared... she was worried. She's seen Amy stressing out before, but not like this. It was somehow different this time. Amy was blocked and did nothing but work on the case. It wasn't healthy at all. Rosa couldn’t let her damage herself a minute more.

"Babe?" Her tone was softer this time. And just like that, that word made Amy's senses pay attention to the voice on the other side of the door. For a moment she forgot about the case and the tears that were coming out of her eyes. It was a brief, brief, moment of peace and calm. "Babe, please open up." It didn’t last a lot. Suddenly, a few seconds later, Amy started crying again.

It was not likely for Rosa to be begging. Fuck it, Amy is her girlfriend. She’d do anything for her, begging was nothing.

"I'm coming in."

Rosa took a hairpin out of who-knows-where and forced the door open. There wasn’t time to go for the key. For one moment in a long time, Rosa was scared. Scared that something was happening. Something bad. Something irreversible.

Once she entered the bedroom, she saw nothing. The lights were off, and the curtains closed to darken the whole room. Rosa did not turn on the lights. Instead, she walked to what she thought was Amy: a darker spot in the middle of the bed.

Rosa knew Amy felt bad. She didn't want to stress her more nor cause her to cry by saying the wrong thing. What could she say in a situation like this? She didn’t know how to proceed. If only she could ask Amy what to do. Except that it was Amy what this is all about.

"Hey, Ames." The mattress sank when the weight of Rosa fell into it. "You good?"

Rosa could listen to the soft sobs and the shaking breath of Amy. It was breaking her heart in small little pieces.

"C' mon, talk to me. What's the matter?"

Amy took her head out of the comfortable space between her legs and her chest and lifted it. It was so dark she couldn't recognize where Rosa's hair started and where it ended or what her eyes were looking at.

"Nothing. I'm just emotional"

Amy's voice sounded shaky and breathy, almost like a whisper. It seemed like she had been screaming for hours enough to damage her throat. Maybe she had.

"Is it because of the case?"

"What? No. What makes you think that?"

"Amy, it's obvious that that case is driving you crazy.” She's had three mental breakdowns and two panic attacks this week. “I think you should better drop the case."

"I'm not dropping that case because it's not driving me nothing. I'm perfectly fine."

Rosa put her hand on the mattress, looking for Amy's. A few seconds later she found it and put it between her two hands.

"Babe, I'm here to help you. I don't like seeing you suffer like this"

"I'm not... I told you, I'm just a little emotional. I don't need help."

How could Rosa fall for such a big lie?

It was on August 31. Amy was nowhere near solving the case. When the clock marked 10:00 AM, Major Crimes was on the precinct to pick up the files they needed to continue with what was, until then, Amy's case. She handed the mountain of papers to them as if they were taking part of her soul. She didn't take her eyes off the screen for the rest of her shift. Rosa couldn't get hers out of Amy.

She was worried as fuck.

Eight days later, Rosa was driving with Amy in the passenger sit back to the apartment. None of them spoke while on the road. Amy was unusually silent since the end of August. She still felt she had failed. She's a Santiago, a Santiago doesn't fail.

On the other hand, Rosa didn't know what to say for her to feel better. Why did she have to be so bad at feelings? She never hated it until now. She could always say something wrong that made her girlfriend feel worse – if that was even possible – because that's how bad she is at trying to comfort somebody she cares about. But Rosa couldn't look at Amy without noticing the unusually super long sleeves blouse Amy was wearing today. It was a mystery to her, but they could talk about that later. In a few minutes, once they get to the apartment.

The door closed right behind Rosa and the warmth of the inside of their apartment got to her. Amy went straight to the bathroom, just like she always did when they got back from work. But it was different this time. Rosa couldn’t hear the clacking of her two inches high heels while she was walking. It made Rosa worry. It was just an annoying sound missing, except it wasn’t. She couldn’t ignore all the signs for any longer. She has to do something… right?

When Amy came out of the bathroom, she was already on her long-sleeved dark pajamas. Rosa approached to her girlfriend, who was laying on the couch trying to find something to watch on the TV.

How a conversation like this can be started? Think, Rosa. Think.

“Ames?” She just answered by humming. “Is there something wrong?”

“What do you mean?” Her eyes still watching the screen.

“You’ve been… off lately.”

“It’s nothing.”

“C’mon, talk to me. We’ll solve it together.”

“I said I’m fine!”

Rosa was lowkey shocked. Amy never yelled. Not to her. Suddenly, she couldn’t hold it anymore.

“No, you’re not! I know you aren’t. I’m not stupid, Amy!”

“I’m telling you I’m fine.”

“Oh, really?” Rosa started listing things with her fingers. “You’re quiet all the time. Suddenly all you wear is long-sleeved even though it’s 30°C. I haven’t seen you smile for days. You’re only coming home to watch reality shows that appear on the TV. You aren’t even eating anymore!” Amy’s eyes moved from the shiny TV to the carpeted floor. “Talk to me, Ames.”

“I… Rosa, it’s nothing.”

“Why won’t you tell me? Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course, I trust you! But it really isn’t a big deal.”

“I swear to God. If this is because of that stupid case-”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Amy finally looked at Rosa’s eyes, lacking the spark they usually had. It broke Rosa’s heart a little bit more. “I don’t fucking wanna talk about it. Just drop it already.”

“Oh, but we will, and I won’t stop until we solve this. That case drove you crazy for weeks, you can’t let it hunt you when it’s not yours anymore!”

“See, that’s the problem. I should’ve solved that case. Me! Not the Vulture, not Jake, not Major Crimes. Me.”

“Why are you making such a big deal about it?!"

“She looked like you, okay?! She looked so goddamn much like you it hurts!”

“But I’m here! Ames, I’m right here.”

“You know what? I’m leaving. You don’t get it and you never will.”

Amy stood up from the couch leaving Rosa sitting on it by herself. She was going to walk towards the bedroom when Rosa took her by the wrist.

“Don’t you dare-” Rosa cut herself. Even though Amy took it just as fast, the sight of Amy’s wrist stayed inside Rosa’s brain immediately, making her worry grow quickly. “Amy, what’s that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Tienes que estar bromeando.” Rosa could feel an unfamiliar knot growing on her throat. “Let me see.”

Amy knew there was no escape this time. She couldn’t avoid it anymore anyways, so she lifted her sleeves until they reached her elbows and showed the interior of her arms. Scars were all through her skin, some more recently than others, some deeper than others.

Rosa couldn’t look for much time. She was disappointed on herself. She was because she didn’t do something earlier. She was because she didn’t notice before.

She opened her eyes again and looked right into Amy’s, trying look for answers. Amy didn’t remember the last time she saw Rosa with watering eyes. The sight of it made her hide her scars once again, putting her arms against her chest as if she was protecting them.

“Why?”

Amy denied moving her head.

“It’s not important.”

“Amy, stop pushing me away for Jesus sake.” Her voice cracked.

“It’s stupid. I don’t want you to worry.” Now Amy was crying.

Rosa got closer.

“If it is making you feel like this then it’s not stupid. Of course, I’m going to worry”, Rosa put her right hand against Amy’s left cheek, “I care about you.”

Amy closed her eyes when their skins made contact and stayed like that for a few seconds before stepping back.

“Y-you shouldn’t. I’m a lost cause.”

“No, I’m not giving up on you.” Rosa got close. “Let me help you. All I want is for you to be fine. To be happy.”

“I said I don’t need help.”

“Yes, you do!” Rosa snapped. “You can’t do this alone, Amy. You need help!”

“No, I don’t. I’m completely fine.”

“Self-harming is not being fine!! ¿Por qué no te das cuenta?” Rosa’s Spanish made everything inside Amy shake. For a moment, it made her feel weak.

“It’s not that bad…”

“¡Sí lo es, joder! ¡Déjame ayudarte! Tell me how.” Rosa sounded desperate.

“You can’t help me."

“Déjame intentarlo.”

“Why do you care!?” Amy’s tears started falling.

“¡¡Porque te amo!!” Amy froze. Rosa was not likely to talk about her feelings, but right now she could see her managing not to cry, even though her eyes were already filled with tears.

That’s when both of them gave up against the tears and the feelings. They closed the space between them. Amy hid her face against her girlfriend’s chest and started crying loudly. Rosa, on the other hand, wrapped her arms around Santiago’s shaking body, feeling the warm tears go down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” Amy whispered with tears still falling.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“I should’ve told you before.”

“It doesn’t matter now.” Rosa took Amy’s face between her hands. “Now what’s more important is for you to get better, okay?”

Amy nodded her head before feeling her girlfriend’s lips against her forehead.

“I’m here, babe.” They stared at each other’s eyes. Rosa kept talking. “We’ll do this together. I’m not leaving.”

#brooklyn 99 #brooklyn nine nine #amy santiago #rosa diaz #alex's fics

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scribbling-stiks · 3 years

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AAR - XLV - Overloaded

After a time leaning on each other, America begins fidgeting and bounces his leg. The bouncing gets more and more erratic, filling Russia with worry. Then, America pulls away violently. Russia jerks a little, startled.

Russia reaches over and brushes America's shoulder with his fingers, and America jerks away. Russia retracts his hands and sits back, filled with confusion and anxiety.

"Are you okay?" Russia asks quietly under the noise of upstairs.

America whines and curls upon himself. Russia holds back from touching him.

"What's wrong?" Russia asks, feeling desperate.

America doesn't answer. Instead, he buries his head into his knees and covers his ears with his hands. Russia bites his lip and could practically hear the pleas of 'be quiet' in the air. Russia freezes a little.

'What's wrong?'

'What do I do?'

A few creaking footsteps echo above them.

Russia began to get up.

"No. Wait. Don't. Please."

Russia falls back, perturbed and frightened. Then, America whimpers and pulls at his hair. Russia hovers over him and feels stuck and powerless.

"Stars?" Russia asks, fear leaking into his tone.

America takes a heavy gasp and tears trace his cheeks.

"Please, just don't leave. Please. I don't wanna be alone," America begs quietly.

Russia sinks back into the bed and fidgets with his hat, feeling nervous and wanting desperately to help, but not knowing how. He waits and starts looking around the room, doing his best to deter himself from touching America, as much as he wanted to hug and comfort him.

The footsteps above them quiet and America curls up a little more. Russia's heart pounds in his chest.

'What do I do?!'

America forcefully tears his socks and his shirt off and he hurls the cloth to the floor as if it burned.

"It's too much. It's all too much," America mutters.

America's fingers light up faintly but the magic sparks furiously before sputtering out with a pained gasp. Russia watches with wide eyes and bated breath.

"Russ?"

His voice is so quiet and vulnerable and Russia feels his heart lodge itself in his throat. Russia's head whips up to look into America's eyes. America doesn't look at him.

"Can you get the grey blanket? ...please?" America asks quietly, his voice shaking.

Russia nods and hurries to his feet, nearly tripping in his haste to search for anything to make this better. There aren't any blankets matching the color on the bedroom floor and Russia wretches open the closet doors.

He spots a crumpled grey pile of fabric in the back corner. Russia grabs it and heaves it up, the blanket much heavier than he had been expecting.

Russia gathers the cloth in his arms and brings it to the bed. He drops it beside America, who shakily takes it and wraps it around his shoulders, no issue with the weight. America shakes under it for a few minutes before he takes a few deep breaths.

The shaking recedes and America's breathing quiets.

"Are you..." Russia starts weakly, "Are you okay?"

America jerks his head from side to side, hunched over under the blanket.

"What's wrong?" Russia asks carefully.

"...overstimulation," America mumbles, the syllables mixing together and making it almost unintelligible.

Russia nods, not understanding what it meant, but respectful.

"Be with me, but don't touch me right now," America pleads, his voice a little clearer, but still shaky.

"Okay," Russia replies quietly.

America and Russia sit quietly side by side until America changes his position, taking to lying chest-down on the bedding parallel to the headboard, the blanket draped on his back.

Russia tries his best to quell his apprehension, glancing at America every few minutes to check on him.

"'m sorry," America says, sounding exhausted.

"Are you okay?" Russia asks tentatively.

"I will be," America says with a sigh, "I just got overwhelmed. I'm sorry, I think I freaked you out."

"It's alright."

America hums. They fall quiet and listen to the house settle.

"Is this going to happen again?" Russia asks carefully, worry in his voice.

"Yeah. It just kinda... happens every once in a while," America mumbles, looking away, "I'm sorry you had to see me like this."

"It's okay," Russia says hurriedly, "I'm worried, not angry."

"...really?"

"Yes. I want to help you," Russia emphasizes.

America shifts slightly and stares up at Russia for a second before looking away. America fidgets with the corner of the blanket and sighs quietly.

"I'm just stressed. And when I'm stressed, my head goes into overdrive," America explains, waving a hand as if to add to his explanation, "and my brain just gets overloaded."

Russia hums in contemplation, wishing he had his phone to find more information, and maybe even find some way to help.

"Thank you for staying," America says quietly, looking away.

Russia pauses. The statement just strikes him as strange. A pang of sadness hits him in the chest.

'What else was I supposed to do?'

"Meri?"

"Yeah?"

"How many people have left you like that?"

"Well... the kids don't see me like this. And no one else would care enough to help except maybe Dixie and Nada. Everyone else just tells me to 'cut it out, you bloody brat,' or something else along those lines, like I have much of a choice over any of it. Like, do you think I would choose this?!"

America sighs.

Russia cringes in sympathy. There is another pause and America slowly inches his way closer to Russia until they two are side by side. America crosses his arms in front of him and leans his head on them. Russia very cautiously lays his hand on America's hair.

"Is this good?" Russia asks softly, trying his best to be mindful.

America gives a small nod. Russia smiles and begins gently playing with America's hair, trying to calm himself down, staring out at the cresting sun over the horizon.

They sit in silence as they hear the house come to life with motion. Footsteps and giggling and shouting about the coffee machine ring out from the main floor. America sighs, but had an affectionate smile growing on his face.

"Are you going to be alright?" Russia asks quietly.

"Yup," America chirps with a yawn, "I just need some caffeine and something to eat and I'll be fine."

A shrill scream cuts through the noise of the house.

Russia and America make momentary eye contact before simultaneously jumping up and rushing downstairs.

"What's going on?!" America shouts, jumping down the last few stairs to the first floor.

Russia stumbles on the last few stairs and pointedly ignores the stinging of his skin and the pulling in his hip. He tries his best to catch up to America but ends up trailing just behind him.

"That thing!" Iowa screams, pointing out one of the side windows.

'Why isn't there any light coming through?' Russia wonders briefly.

He's about to get his answer.

Russia nears the window and catches a glimpse of America's horrified look. He looks out for himself, and most of the color drains from his face.

Another black mass, just like the one in the bedroom.

Except, this one almost as large as the house. Russia freezes in place and the thing lurks outside, traversing the outer edges of the lawn. It seems to stalks the house in the few shadows that remain in the early morning sun.

"S***. That thing is huge," America mutters.

Then America growls and glares down at his hands.

"And my magic isn't back up to speed yet either. F***!" America hisses under his breath, clenching his hands into fists.

Russia puts a hand on America's shoulder. He hears shuffling behind him and raises his other hand, signaling them to stop.

"Wait," Russia orders.

"What?! WHY?" Dixie demands.

Russia turns around to address him and sees Dixie standing, shotgun in hand, with a group of about a dozen states behind him, all of them armed and snarling.

"If it has not attacked us, it might not," Russia explains, his mind racing but his tone sure, "We should not risk anything if it can't or won't hurt us right now."

America hums with uncertainty but doesn't object.

"Amy?" Dixie asks.

"I think we should wait," America says, "like Rue said. And maybe the salt lines worked."

Dixie grumbles angrily but calls off the states none the less. The states groan and move to sit around the living room, guns and knives still in hand.

Russia stares at the blob. Its movement is almost as mesmerizing as it is terrifying.

It rolls over itself, its mass moving almost like a condensed school of fish would, as if it was made of separate, slimy, black pieces, moving in unison.

The slimy mass folds over itself, rolling over the frosty domain outside, coating whatever it touches with a dull grey slime. Its motion and the speed with which it crosses the front yard leaves Russia's head spinning. America grabs his shoulder and slowly pulls him away.

"Russia?"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

Russia tears his eyes away and meets America's worried gaze.

"Yes. I'm fine."

"Okay. That's all fine and dandy, but why in the LORD'S NAME are we waiting here like sitting ducks?!" Dixie exclaims, throwing an arm in the air.

"We may not even be targets," Russia says firmly, "and going out there could end with someone getting hurt."

'...or worse.'

"Well, I want to fight it," Finland chimes in, machine gun under her arm.

"We shouldn't provoke it if we don't have to," Canada argues.

"IT'S AS BIG AS THE HOUSE!" Texas shouts, gesturing wildly to the window.

"We cannot be stuck here!" Brazil exclaims, her hands in her hair, "my states are still out there, and some of them are still missing!"

"LISTEN!" America snaps.

Everyone falls quiet.

"I can't fight right now," America says, pointing to himself, "and I am not allowing any of my kids out there if I can't be with them. And no one else should be going without back up, okay?! Right now, we're going to hang tight. We will fight as a last resort."

America stares around for any objections, but no one speaks up. America lets out a shaky sigh and rubs his face. Then, America begins walking around the house, checking the locks on windows. Oregon and a reluctant Wyoming run around to help make sure all of them are secure. Russia turns his gaze back outside and sees the thing closer now.

"Well, at least the windows are hurricane-proof," Dixie grumbles, his arms crossed.

Table of Contents

#rusame #ch russia #ch america #statehumans #countryhumans

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whatshouldwecallchronicillness · 4 years

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I heard you wanted quotes

“Behind every stressful thought is the desire for things to be other than they are.” ― Toni Bernhard, How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers

“Mental illness People assume you aren’t sick unless they see the sickness on your skin like scars forming a map of all the ways you’re hurting. My heart is a prison of Have you tried?s Have you tried exercising? Have you tried eating better? Have you tried not being sad, not being sick? Have you tried being more like me? Have you tried shutting up? Yes, I have tried. Yes, I am still trying, and yes, I am still sick. Sometimes monsters are invisible, and sometimes demons attack you from the inside. Just because you cannot see the claws and the teeth does not mean they aren’t ripping through me. Pain does not need to be seen to be felt. Telling me there is no problem won’t solve the problem. This is not how miracles are born. This is not how sickness works.” ― Emm Roy, The First Step

“Having a chronic illness, Molly thought, was like being invaded. Her grandmother back in Michigan used to tell about the day one of their cows got loose and wandered into the parlor, and the awful time they had getting her out. That was exactly what Molly's arthritis was like: as if some big old cow had got into her house and wouldn't go away. It just sat there, taking up space in her life and making everything more difficult, mooing loudly from time to time and making cow pies, and all she could do really was edge around it and put up with it. When other people first became aware of the cow, they expressed concern and anxiety. They suggested strategies for getting the animal out of Molly's parlor: remedies and doctors and procedures, some mainstream and some New Age. They related anecdotes of friends who had removed their own cows in one way or another. But after a while they had exhausted their suggestions. Then they usually began to pretend that the cow wasn't there, and they preferred for Molly to go along with the pretense.” ― Alison Lurie, The Last Resort

“Armed with my positive attitude and inherent stubborn nature, I keep my mind focused and my life moving forward. I stop to rest, pout and even cry sometimes, but always, I get back up. Life is giving me this challenge and I will plow through it, out of breath with my heart racing if I have to.” ― Amy B. Scher

“That’s the point. This healthy-feeling time now just feels like a tease. Like I’m in this holding pattern, flying in smooth circles within sight of the airport, in super-comfortable first class. But I can’t enjoy the in-flight movie or free chocolate chip cookies because I know that before the airport is able to make room for us, the plane is going to run out of fuel, and we’re going to crash-land into a fiery, agonizing death.” ― Jessica Verdi, My Life After Now

“Most people live in fear of some terrible event changing their lives, the death of a loved one or a serious illness. For the chronically ill, this terrible event has already happened, and we have been let in on an amazing secret: You survive. You adapt, and your life changes, but in the end you go on, with whatever compromises you have been forced to make, whatever losses you have been forced to endure. You learn to balance your fears with the simple truth that you must go on living.” ― Jamie Weisman, As I Live and Breathe: Notes of a Patient-Doctor

“All parents set out with expectations, hopes and dreams for their child. When a child is diagnosed with a health problem, these aspirations are altered. While one parent is hoping to see their child graduate from university, another is praying that they can live pain free” ― Sharon Dempsey, Extreme Parenting: Parenting Your Child with a Chronic Illness

“Depression affects almost 80% of migraine sufferers at one time or another. People with migraine, especially chronic migraine, also are more likely to experience intense anxiety and to have suicidal tendencies. If we want to live happy and joyful lives with migraine, it is vital that we acknowledge and deal with the emotional realities of the disease.” ― Sarah Hackley, Finding Happiness with Migraines: a Do It Yourself Guide, a min-e-bookTM

“The 40-hour work week, long considered the gold standard, has quietly and insidiously stretched into 50 to 60 hours. Despite this accepted practice, social commentators and the average person agree that functioning at such a pace can't possibly be good for one's mental or physical health. /So I ask you: if the expanded work-week isn't healthy for someone in good physical condition, how can it possibly be acceptable for someone with a chronic illness? Quite simply, it's not.” ― Rosalind Joffe, Women, Work, and Autoimmune Disease: Keep Working, Girlfriend!

“Remember this: You are the expert of your body.” ― Sarah Hackley, Finding Happiness with Migraines: a Do It Yourself Guide, a min-e-bookTM

“No matter what stage of illness we are in, whether we’ve just been diagnosed or we have lived with chronic migraines for decades, there are adjustments we can make to increase joy in our lives and to live more fully.” ― Sarah Hackley, Finding Happiness with Migraines: a Do It Yourself Guide, a min-e-bookTM

“By taking the time to focus on our mental and emotional well-being, we can minimize our triggers and reduce the likelihood of a recurrence.” ― Sarah Hackley, Finding Happiness with Migraines: a Do It Yourself Guide, a min-e-bookTM

“Always remember that, no matter how useless you feel, you’re someone’s reason to smile.” – Unknown

“I fight for my health every day in ways that most people don’t understand. I’m not lazy. I’m a warrior!” – Unknown

“Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness. Those are actually the days I’m fighting my hardest.” – Unknown

“I did as much research as I could and I took ownership of this illness, because if you don’t take care of your body, where are you going to live?” ~ Karen Duffy

“Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. We cannot avoid pain, but we can avoid joy.” ~ Tim Hansel

It's very important that we re-learn the art of resting and relaxing. Not only does it help prevent the onset of many illnesses that develop through chronic tension and worrying; it allows us to clear our minds, focus, and find creative solutions to problems. Thich Nhat Hanh

http://amyjanesmith.blogspot.com/2014/03/positive-inspiring-quotes-especially-if.html

And while I could go on, I figured this should be enough for now. Hope you enjoy them :)

#thanksforthesubmit #submission

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foxfire-and-midnight-wings · 4 years

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Protect Them with Your Bloody Wings Reference Sheet

Hello! This is very overdue, but I had a lot of information I felt I should aff, or wanted to add because I thought of it. I may occasionally come back here to add things or edit it, so it isn’t guaranteed to stay like all of this.

There will be breaks between topics so it is easier to see subject changes, and if you need to skip a section it is easier to see the start and stop.

Warning! This is a very long post, and has brief mentions of multiple things that may trigger or make the reader uncomfortable. (Not in order) This post includes mentions of: self-harm, panic attacks, religion/mythology, sexuality, mental illness (anxiety, depression, PTSD, paranoia), dissociation and flashbacks, triggers for each character (be careful when reading these!), and mind control/manipulation

- Jay’s mom is a Seraph and his dad is a human, they gave birth to Jay and as a result his soul is specially made so he can help others. No one finds out for a while, but he can also interact with both the human/mortal world/plane and the astral/celestial/demonic plane.

- All creatures, mythological and religious, co-exist in these planes, only the most powerful can actually interact and be seen in the human world. This is what allowed Jay’s mom to be able to interact with his father. She is a Seraph, and was sent down to help protect him from a demonic entity that was wanting to take his soul.

- Demons and celestial creatures all fight, sometimes directly but demons have an easier time interacting with the human world and humans. This usually causes other creatures to be sent down to the mortal world, where they are unable to actually be seen or felt, and they usually fight over the person/people that the demon or celestial is trying to protect/use.

- Different creatures can give what is called a blessing to a person, normally it barely affects them, but because Jay already had a special soul used to reach out through the planes to help people, this is what caused him to gain his wings with the blessing from the Phoenix.

- Jay’s soul cannot take blessings like a normal person’s soul, because it is a mix of human and celestial. He always had a passion for helping others more than himself growing up, and this was because of his soul. His powers were relatively weak though, and the only thing that actually occurred around others was that he had a stronger sense and ability of empathy and helping people through different event or what they were dealing with

- This is why he is considered very valuable to the celestials and why The Operator hates Jay so much. The Operator wanted Jay dead but wanted him to suffer too, which is why he went after Alex and the others around him.

- When the Phoenix gave Jay his blessing, it strengthened his soul, which let him gain more of an immunity to The Operator and other demon’s abilities/effects on humans. He also gained his Green Jay wings (due to both the Phoenix and his mother being winged celestials), a stronger empathetic ability (now he can pick up on other’s emotions easier, but unknown to everyone for a while, they can pick up and feel his emotions too. This can be dangerous in the fact that his negative emotions can end up hurting those around him by making them feel this way too. It’s small enough to where people can tell it’s not theirs but strong enough to be able to be felt), and is now able to touch (and if he used enough strength, harm) other demons. (The energy drawback is extreme, though, and if he attempted to kill a demon it would also result in him dying too.)

- People with celestial-human souls like Jay are extremely rare, and some have stronger souls than others letting them see the different planes. Those with strong enough souls can interact with the two planes, which the celestials find to be very helpful for when they want to help protect a person but are unable to manifest in the human world. These people sometimes act as messengers and communicators between worlds, but are usually not ones to advertise their abilities.

- This is the reason ToTheArk always made comments about “the ark” and Jay leading him “to the ark”. While ToTheArk was not sure themselves what “the ark” was, they knew it was important and knew something was different about Jay. The Operator was the reason they knew this existed, even though ToTheArk never worked for him, but they head heard it in passing

- ToTheArk is made up of Seth, Tim, and Brian but it’s only their alters. All three alters were created and forced onto each person by The Operator, and as a result could understand what he said at times. Eventually broke off from working for The Operator and created the channel ToTheArk

- The Operator’s powers were focused on electricity and the mind. Masky and Hoodie, along with Alex and Seth’s alters, were created by him. They all act similarly to how alters with DID work, but are also completely different. (Each is their own person with thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. When one is fronting the others do not remember what happened while they were not fronting. The differences start with how the Operator can forcefully pull them out, which hurts both the alter and host, but can not control what exactly they do.)

Please Note! There are many other smaller differences, but these will likely exist because I do not have DID myself, and felt that giving each character these alters and saying they have DID would be disrespectful to the DID community. I, personally, do not like to give characters mental illnesses or disabilities I do not have personal experience or contact with (usually friends or people I know. I will go to them for advice and have them see if it is portrayed accurately). While these alters are a part of the original story and I felt like I should explain the specifics behind it, I want to make it clear I do not have DID and will only be taking notes from what others say about it. This includes the disorientation, amnesia, individuality, etc. I do not know anyone in real life with DID, and as a result have no way to fall back and ask if it is disrespectful, inaccurate, etc. If you have DID and would like to talk to be about it and have more aepects added into the story, feel free to. But, again, I will not be tagging or labeling these characters as having DID. Please keep that in mind while reading and seeing the portrayal of each character.

- Jessica is 5’3”, Amy and Sarah are shorter than Alex but height unknown (for this we will say Amy is 5’4” and Sarah is 5’2”), Tim is 5’6”, Brian is 5’8”, Jay himself is 5’10”, Seth is just a little shorter than alex and possibly around 6’0”, Alex is 6’2”

- While Tim is the shortest guy, he is also one of the strongest members of the cast, only bested by Amy and Jessica.

- Jessica and Amy are both bi, Sarah is lesbian, Alex is biromantic ace, Tim and Jay are both pan, Seth and Brian are both gay

- Seth and Jay are disasters. Jay can barely function around anyone he thinks is remotely cute and Seth just Blue Screens if he sees a hot guy.

- Alex is the one to tease everyone else about who they like because he can actually Function around who he likes, but on the inside he’s dying. Everyone else is so much of a disaster no one can tell who he actually likes bc to them he’s functioning like normal (even when he’s not)

- Jessica is a Disaster Gay, Amy is the same but only a little better, and Sarah can function decently (but not fully Function)

- Tim is stone cold and hides it as much as he can when he likes someone, and the only two people who can tell he likes someone are Alex and Brian, because he has a small blush that isn’t very noticeable but if he gets teased over his crush? You can guarantee he is a strawberry now. He secretly dies inside and his only thoughts are just love

- Brian can function almost as well as Alex, but is just a little more obvious

- All the girls are the type who would bring home stray animals but in different ways. Amy: I’m so sad guys LOOK! I found this poor cat stuck in the rain. Can we keep him please??, Jessica: Babe we have a cat now, I found them in a garbage can and I love them, Sarah: Hey I found a cat. Who wants to keep it??

- The guys are a little easier to control, but sometimes Jay or Brian will randomly arrive to the set or someone’s house with a stray. No one knows where they go or what those two do with them, and are too afraid to ask. (Brian keeps them if he can, but also gives them to his parents, relatives, and extremely close friends. If someone even mentions possibly wanting an animal he will show up and have a stay/abandoned animal ready for them. Jay isn’t allowed pets in his apartment except service animals, so he usually cares for them outside of his apartment or gives them to his dad, who owns and lives on a farm.)

- Seth and Jay are acquaintances before Marble Hornets, not on the full level of being friends, but pretty close. They were introduced to each other through Alex, and got to know each other a little bit. Mainly got closer to each other when working on Marble Hornets

- Brian was also friends with Alex, but never met Seth or Jay before Marble Hornets. Tim had no idea who Alex was until they met for Marble Hornets (Brian was there the first time they all met so Tim felt more comfortable, as he was panicking before hand about meeting so many new people).

- Seth has anxiety, Jay has both anxiety and depression (and now PTSD), Tim has depression and a form of paranoia/anxiety (while it got better over time and is not as bad, but still prominent enough to where he is almost always anxious at least a tiny bit, it resurfaced when The Operator started to mess with the cast members), and Brian has ADHD

- Alex does not have any mental illness, but has enough experience with Seth and Jay’s panic attacks/depressive episodes to have a fairly decent grasp on how to handle it. Brian is in a similar situation but with Tim and has almost no experience with anxiety/panic attacks. Usually it’s Tim’s depression that surges, and Brian helps him when it gets rough.

- Alex almost always has 2 different items for stress relief. One is for Seth and one is for Jay and even if they aren’t that anxious he lets them use it. If they are about to have a panic attack and he notices, he just whips it out and hands it to them without saying anything. He usually keeps on him money for comfort food and some band-aids/gauze too.

- Brian tends to keep money for comfort food on him most of the time. Sometimes he will have gum on him or items to fidget with. While he doesn’t have anxiety he tends to fidget/stim because of his ADHD. His stims usually are fidgeting with items (necklaces, bracelets, toys, etc.) and usually only chews when he feels comfortable enough around others to know he won’t be judged for it. He has a spinner ring that he found once, and will sometimes use that too. He tends to chew on gum a lot because of his chewing stim, but also has some items an old friend gifted him that were specifically made to chew on. (They are silicone, he has a necklace with a small but thick pendant, a pencil-shaped item, and a bracelet with silicone beads. Self-conscious about the chewing on other items besides gum, but prefers the other items to chew on. Tim was one of the first people he felt close enough to to actually chew on the items)

- For Tim, he usually keeps his anxiety/paranoia to himself. His medication helps some, but he still doesn’t like others to know about it. Brian is one of the only people who are aware it exists, but he doesn’t ever experience anything with it and just knows it’s there. When Tim’s depression surges, he sometimes tries to shut himself off from the world and be alone. Most times, when it gets really bad or he knows he shouldn’t be alone/doesn’t want to be alone, he will call Brian and hang out. Brian has a lot of experience with Tim’s depression as a result of this, and has learned how to best help him when he feels the worst. Sometimes they’ll just hang out and play games to distract Tim from his thoughts until he feels more in control/better, other times they will just enjoy each other’s company. Brian also tends to sleep over most times when he gets called up.

- As a result of Brian constantly coming over to talk or hang out with Tim, and spending the night at least once a month to help Tim, he usually has his own section of Tim’s house just for his stuff (clothes, pillows, sanitary items, etc.). Tim has a smaller section at Brian’s house, but it only exists because Brian insisted that if he had stuff at Tim’s, Tim should be allowed to have his own stuff over at Brian’s house. Both of them tend to hang out fairly often, and once shooting for Marble Hornets starts, Brian starts to create and plan group events. Tim doesn’t come to all of them, but he makes an effort to try to go. Brian makes sure they both still have plenty of time between the two of them, though, and they both understand that sometimes Tim needs time to be alone.

- For Seth, his panic attacks get worse with physical touch unless he says it’s okay, stress balls and other items to hold help ground him, he usually cries a lot, ends up being drained and usually naps on Alex. Fidget toys can help calm him down from a panic attack or general anxiety. Usually uses items that can snap around, move, twist, etc. He usually needs something to do with his hands, because they shake so much that when he fidgets it feels more grounding.

- For Jay, his panic attacks get worse when there is no one else around that he knows, or if there are a lot of people he doesn’t know when it starts to occur. The stress items help him some, but he is a very tactile person (as in, he needs another person there), even more so after he’s come back from the future. He usually holds onto someone when he has a panic attack, and afterwards usually tries to put some space between them. (He feels guilty that he clung to them so much, but after a while he can relax again and stops trying to move away from people. Alex knows he only tries to move away out of guilt, so he encourages him to stay close to them.)

- Now that Jay is back, because of The Operator, he needs someone to be constantly talking to him about something. Alex was not expecting this change, as they all had a silent agreement to only speak if they needed to go through breathing exercises so they could focus more on calming down. After the influence of The Operator, Jay ignores the guilt and stays right next to the others there. Sometimes he will actually press closer to them as a way to continue to ground himself.

- Jay’s depression never got too bad in the first few years before and during the shooting or Marble Hornets, and he had gotten a lot better compared to his highschool years. Now, though, Jay’s depression has come back with a vengeance. The guilt of everything that happened from the previous timeline, the fear that because he’s not good enough he won’t be able to help anyone and will have to watch everyone spiral down and die again, and the overall self-deprecation is crushing him. Alex knew he had depression, but because Jay had gotten better after a few years, they dropped the plans they made in case it ever got ‘out of hand’. Alex still remembers all of them, though, and will try to reach out to Jay if he doesn’t see him for more than a day. Jay knows he remembers them, and appreciates the actions he’s doing, and after a couple years in highschool he was able to be comfortable enough to let him know when he has worse days than others. This now usually leads to Alex coming over to his apartment, doing things to get Jay’s mind off of his thoughts, and the two of them hanging out until Jay feels better (which usually leads to a sleepover, similarly to Tim and Brian).

- Jay’s dissociation has gotten a lot worse too, now that he’s back, and while sometimes it’s pretty easy to call his name and make him snap out of it, he now gets episodes where he stops responding to anything. This can be pure dissociation or flashbacks mixed with the dissociation. Both times when it gets this bad, someone ends up sitting next to him and they have to wait it out. No amount of touching or noise will snap him out of it, and it worries the others to no end. (The only two ways to actually snap him out of it, unknown to the others, is either messing with his wings or The Operator actually being present. The first one is a lot better because it does help him come out of his dissociation, because there is the difference of feeling in his wings, and will be able to gradually pull him out. The change of feeling is because the feathers pick up feelings differently than human skin does, and because the difference of feeling acts as a reminder that he’s not there anymore and he has the chance to save them still. The Operator, on the other hand, is only able to snap him out of it because of the sudden terror and need to protect that Jay gets. This is dangerous because it can be sudden or slow change, and he is still so disoriented from the dissociation that he can’t think clearly. This then leads to him being a lot more self-sacrificial and reckless in his need to protect the others.)

- When coming out of a flashback Jay usually jumps or startles in some way (depending on the severity it can be a full-body reaction or something as small as wide eyes and a quite gasp), looks around, and usually takes a moment to relax again. The next few hours after the flashback are filled with paranoid thoughts, constant jumping and looking around, flinching, a lot more sensitive to noises and triggers, and a general anxiety that can start to cause the others around him to be anxious, even if they don’t know why. (Alex constantly sends worried glances his way the entire time this happens. Jay’s empathetic ability is stronger now, but the bad side is that it can go the other way now too. The others can pick up easier on his emotions, even though they don’t know why, and it can cause them to start to feel those same emotions too. Many don’t realize this is happening or that these are Jay’s feelings, which is why no one brings it up)

- Jay’s triggers -

Physical: completely dark rooms, guns, knives, blood, anything dealing with Rosswood, tunnels, Tim/Brian wearing their alter’s clothes (even without the masks), being tied up/restrained, forests in general, certain areas like the red tower and the abandoned hospital, fast movements, people behind him/can’t see where everyone is/open back, Alex holding anything that can be used as a potential weapon (knives, guns, rocks, etc.), codes/glitching out videos, The Operator and creatures like him, hotels, screen static, dozens of tapes/multiple cameras (specifically to keep watch or record throughout the night), Brian’s house, fighting

Sound: any mentions of an ark/”to the ark”, gunshots, static from anything including radio interference, yelling, audio distortion, religion mentions (Noah’s Ark, flooding, etc.), sounds of fighting

-Seth’s triggers-

Physical: dark rooms, stress from deadlines, pressure from others, talking to new people/being around those he doesn’t know, being alone in a crowd, crowds, jumpscares, being put on the spot in front of multiple people/a crowd of people

Sound: yelling, sounds of fighting

-Tim’s triggers-

Physical: needles, hospitals, medical files/medical papers, medical equipment, pure white rooms/rooms that look similar to his from the mental health hospital, The Operator and creatures that look similar to him, coughing (himself, not other people), restrainment

Sound: the beeping from a heart monitor, yelling/screaming, static/white noise, being told he’s lying/faking,

- Alex, Jay, Seth, Brian, and Tim all know varying levels of ASL. All are able to hold decent conversations and a few could easily test out of college ASL classes. (Sometimes they forget words or phrases so they improvise, leading to hilarious conversations at times.)

- The reason all of them know ASL is because a few of them sometimes go non-verbal. Seth very rarely does, so he knows the least, but can hold a decent conversation. Jay used to not go non-verbal that much (still more than Seth, but not enough to warrant him being extremely good at it), but now that he’s back and has a ton more trauma it’s going to happen a lot more often. Tim has had his fair share of non-verbal moments, usually happening at least once every other month. Sometimes Brian is there for it, sometimes he’s not. When he is, though, it’s very easy to hold conversations because Tim is almost as good as Brian (but still not technically fluent). Brian, himself, has only gone non-verbal a couple times but not the the point of it hindering anything.

-Alex is practically fluent, and so is Brian. Both of them learned it because their friends going non-verbal made them want to. Seth knows the basics and can follow along a conversation fairly well, while Jay can hold longer conversations and is able to talk relatively easily (but still is not fluent)

- When Jay gets back to his timeline, he realizes within the first week being back that he’s gone non-verbal. He doesn’t realize it at first, but it isn’t until Alex signs something to him that he realizes he hasn’t been talking, and is still mentally recovering from the trauma, so he heavily struggles with talking to the others involved in Marble Hornets. He realizes that the moments of going non-verbal are probably going to happen a lot more now, and that he needs to find a way to quickly communicate with the others. (Deciding on impulse to try becoming fluent in ASL, he proceeds to spend at least a couple hours each day learning new signs or practicing making sentences/signing with others, usually on video calls or something similar. He was already very good and able to hold a conversation, but his goal now is to be completely fluent, or as close as he can get.)

-Brian can, and will, sleep anywhere. This has led to him often times sleeping against others and in random places he shouldn’t be able to sleep. He also loves attention/affection from others, but gets easily flustered when it actually happens.

- Jay is a very touchy person, and while him and Brian originally didn’t get very close, when they eventually do people start to find them sprawled on top of each other. They both are very comfortable with physical affection, and it takes a lot for them to be uncomfortable. This leads to them going to the other (once they get comfortable and know it’s not a bother) if they ever want attention.

- Brian grew up doing theatre stuff and can recite random lines that stuck with him. Some are because they were really weird, others because something happened and now it has funny connotations/memories attached. Also, he was in a lot of musicals. He remembers at least one song from every musical he has watched or been in, and can sing it off the top of his head. Would he say any of these lines or songs infront of the crew? Hell no. He’s very easily embarrassed by the fact he can, but Tim loves it.

- Sometimes Tim will ask him to sing something or recite lines/tell a story dealing with certain productions he was in to help Tim feel better and get his mind off things (usually on days where his depression is flaring up really bad and he can barely find it in him to move. Brian and Tim have been friends long enough that this is normal. One of them is upset or needs to vent, and the other just heads on down to their house. If there’s a moment for some reason one of them can’t come over they talk on the phone and text.)

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dvp95 · 5 years

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can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 13 (now complete)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, deeper than anticipated but still not that deep y'all this is primarily silly, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 6,375 for this chapter (59,473 total) (damn, i was really hoping to hit 60k)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

"Do you need to do some laundry before bed?" Phil asks, stirring vegetables with the kind of dubious intensity that Dan recognises from setting one too many meals on fire himself. "Or is all your stuff dry-clean only?"

"Very funny," says Dan. He's keeping an eye on the rice, but it requires much less effort. "Yeah, I could do a load tomorrow."

Phil looks up from his skillet for the first time since he turned the heat on. "Tomorrow? Dan, you leave tomorrow."

"Not til like two," Dan says with a little shrug.

The way Phil is looking at him makes him laugh. He's never seen the man's eyes so wide and anxious, so like a deer in headlights. Dan gently nudges him away from the hob by the hip and takes over vegetable watch.

"Dan," Phil says again, "that's not very much time. You don't want to pack tonight?"

"It sounds like you probably want me to pack tonight, Phil," says Dan. "I'm good at throwing things together last minute, though. I'm not worried about being late."

"I'm worried about you being late," says Phil. "Wouldn't it be easier to pack tonight and just hang out tomorrow?"

Dan smirks and tosses the rice in with the vegetables and sauce, just to get it all stirred together. One of Phil's hands is settled on the small of his back as he needles Dan about this, and it all feels so disgustingly domestic that Dan almost can't handle it.

"Uh huh," he says, trying not to let the fondness seep too much into his tone. "So, what you're saying is, you want me to do my laundry tonight so you can keep me in bed all morning?"

"Yes, but also, I've got time anxiety," Phil chuckles. He presses a kiss to the back of Dan's neck, which makes him shiver.

"You've got anxiety about the concept of time? Honestly, same."

"Stupid," says Phil. He isn't trying to hide the fondness the way Dan is, the affection coming off him in waves as he presses himself into Dan's side, drops a kiss to Dan's shoulder. "That too, I suppose, but I mean about being late. I always have my stuff packed like, two days in advance."

"Absolutely cannot relate," Dan says, biting his lip to try and hide a smile. "But yeah. I can do a load so you're not anxious about my unpacked suitcase all night."

That's not something he would normally offer, because Dan is almost never actually late and he's just fine with his current method of timekeeping, thanks, but he'd rather keep Phil in the best possible mood. And, okay, maybe it does sound kind of nice to just have a lie-in without running around to try and grab all the things he's somehow strewn across the flat in these short days.

It's strange, actually. Dan has spent a lot of his adult life on other people's couches and in hotel rooms, and he's good at keeping his stuff compartmentalized because of that. Something about how comfortable he feels here has him treating it like it's his own home. He's absolutely certain that Phil doesn't mind, if he even notices - it's not exactly obvious that Dan's chargers and straighteners and toothbrush haven't found their way back to his bags when Phil's junk is strewn across every possible surface.

Dan bumps his hip into Phil's and turns off the hob. "You ready to eat?"

"Literally always," says Phil. His hand leaves Dan's back, and Dan feels a bit bereft for it.

Still, he supposes, joining Phil on the sofa to watch some MasterChef while Thor acts like he isn't quietly begging for scraps isn't the worst way to spend an evening. In fact, if that's the only way Dan wants to spend all his dinners from here on out, nobody has to know.

Dan takes a shower while Phil goes on a walk with the dog, and he spends more time zoning out than he does actually washing himself. His phone is blaring a playlist he doesn't even remember making, and while it has some real bangers on it, he keeps getting distracted trying to track down the memory of it in his brain. Then, of course, his mind just drifts from there.

He thinks about his family, about the emails he still hasn't checked, about Adrian spouting bullshit profoundness down a phone line. He thinks about Heatwave, and his role in the whole mess of it, and what Amy will say when he tells her that he doesn't want to be a part of it going forward. He thinks about London, about the way the city has felt like an eventuality before but not quite like this, about how Phil is really what makes it feel like a place Dan can settle down and build a life for himself.

Most of all, Dan thinks about how much it is going to suck to be away from Phil for however long they have to be.

Long distance relationships aren't exactly Dan's forte. Which, okay, to be fair, relationships generally are not exactly Dan's forte, but he understands how this part works. He understands sex and cuddling and kissing, even if it all feels like the dial has been turned up to eleven with Phil, but he's not a hundred percent sure how to keep this sort of energy when they're an entire ocean apart. Dan is kind of a jealous person with a yo-yo of self esteem, and Phil is a very handsome and charming man who surely has far better prospects than talking to Dan on Skype until he falls asleep.

And that thought process isn't one Dan really needs to go down, is it.

He decides to try and trace back an inside joke to its inception while he washes his hair, because surely that's a better use of his time than heading down a rabbit hole of insecurity. He's still pondering that when there's a knock at the bathroom door and it opens.

"Hey, Dan?" Phil's voice comes, just loud enough to be heard over the shower and the music. Dan's eyes are closed so he doesn't get any fucking shampoo in them, and he has no idea if Phil is looking at him through the glass screen or not. He makes a noise to indicate he's heard Phil and tilts his head forward to start rinsing his hair. "You want me to throw your clothes in for you now? I can leave you something of mine to wear."

"I'd take something of yours anyway," Dan says, dry. He keeps his eyes closed. If he doesn't look, then he can live in a world where his boyfriend is checking him out just for the hell of it. Dan doesn't mind being watched by the right eyes.

"Of course you would. Anything that can't go in the wash?"

Dan grins and shrugs, even though Phil might not be looking at him. "I mean, read the fucking labels, mate. But yeah, none of my dress shirts."

"Got it." There's a beat of relative silence for so long that Dan starts to wonder if Phil has managed to leave the room without making noise - not Phil's strong suit at the best of times - but then he speaks again, low and amused. "If I were a murderer, Dan, you'd be so dead right now. Why are you facing the tap, you absolute freak?"

Water goes up Dan's nose when he laughs, and he's sure the sound of him cough-laughing isn't exactly attractive. He turns around and cracks an eye open to check if Phil is laughing at him or not.

Phil is resting against the bathroom counter with his arms crossed and a smirk playing around his pretty lips. If Dan were not acutely aware of the injuries it would cause, he'd whinge until Phil joined him under the spray.

"I'm just having a face the tap kind of day," he informs Phil, making sure his hair is completely devoid of any shampoo that might sneak-attack his eyes and make him look even more hilariously incompetent than he already does. "You just gonna stand there and look at me?"

"Tempting," says Phil. He leans over and picks up the pile of clothes that Dan had discarded beside the bath mat. "But one of us needs to get this done."

"Oi, I said I'd do it."

The grin Phil sends his way makes Dan's knees feel a bit wobbly, like he's a teenager all over again. "I know. I didn't believe you."

Honestly, that's fair. Dan is better at putting things off than he is getting off his ass to do it right away. He pretends to be offended, anyway, because it's more fun than conceding defeat. "Excuse me? I'm a man of my word, Philip."

"I believe you'd do it eventually," says Phil. "But if I do it now, then you can be naked in my bed once you're done wasting all my hot water. See? I think ahead."

"Go away," Dan laughs.

"I'm doing a nice thing!" Phil protests, but he's laughing too. He lets his gaze drift over Dan's body again, unapologetic about checking him out in a way that makes Dan's heart beat a bit faster, and then he's gone. The door closes behind him, and Dan covers his face with both hands to hide his blush from the empty bathroom and Frank Ocean's crooning.

God, he's so far gone for this guy. It's genuinely fucking ridiculous.

He doesn't spend too much more time in the shower, because his boyfriend is waiting for him. And, fuck, that still feels so goddamn weird to think. Boyfriend. Dan has a boyfriend. It's actually surreal.

Dan dries himself off and wraps the towel around his hips, because Phil hasn't come back to give him pyjamas. He turns off his mystery playlist and pushes wet curls off his forehead before he leaves the fogged-up bathroom.

"He emerges," Phil jokes, barely looking up from his phone. "Clothes are in the dresser if you want to put them on."

"If I want to?" Dan repeats with a big grin. He likes looking at Phil's long legs spread over his colourful bedsheets, glasses perched on his nose and his hair sticking up a bit at the back. He looks comfortable and soft, and Dan truly considers throwing on something soft and curling up for another nap. Or sleep, at this point, if Phil lets him sleep through the night. But he's leaving so soon, he wants more than that. "Yeah. I don't really want to."

The way Phil's lips twitch make Dan feel certain that Phil didn't really want him to, either. He puts his phone aside and raises his eyebrows at Dan. "C'mere, then."

As tempting as it is to just collapse into Phil's lap right away, Dan is getting the hang of this 'sharing a small space with a dog' thing. He has to use treats and toys to lure Thor out of the room this time, gamely ignoring Phil's snickers at his attempts. Thor is so dubious at this point, not particularly enjoying being put away, but he eventually does follow Dan into the bathroom and curl up with his rope and a reproachful look at Dan. It's very distracting, but Dan manages to remember to grab a couple of condoms. The lube is still on one of the nightstands, on the side Dan has been trying pretty hard not to think of as his own.

"You know," Dan says as he hangs his towel on a hook, closes the bathroom door behind him. "When I get a place in London, it's going to have more than two rooms. So even if you do bring Thor over, we can shut a door without him getting mad at me."

"I think he'd get mad anyway," says Phil. He sounds distracted, looking Dan over again, and Dan preens a bit under the attention.

It's not that Dan doesn't know what he looks like. He's not going to win any awards for his face or body or whatever, but he's not exactly a bridge troll. He's seen himself on screen and heard enough people talk about him in complimentary ways that he knows, more or less, the way people tend to react when they look at him, but.

Just like everything else, it feels like so much more with Phil. Normally, Dan feels anywhere from gratified to indifferent by people finding him attractive, but when Phil looks at him like that, he just feels... wanted. In a really, really good way.

"Probably," Dan says, putting a hand on his hip. His pulse jumps at the way Phil's eyes track the movement, how they linger on Dan's dick. So what if he's getting a bit hard just from being looked at? Dan doesn't mind being watched by the right eyes, and Phil's are definitely the right eyes. He can't find it in himself to be embarrassed about it, not when Phil doesn't seem to find it funny in the slightest.

"Come here," Phil says again, more firmly.

Dan does as he's told, straddling Phil's thighs and grinning at him. He takes Phil's glasses off his face, puts them and the condoms on the nightstand for safekeeping. Phil blinks a bunch and grins back at him.

"You're wearing a lot of clothes," Dan notes, toying with the collar of Phil's shirt. He hasn't changed all day, and as much as Dan likes looking at him in this tacky print, he'd much prefer to see the pale skin and downy hair and shock of metal beneath it. "That's gonna be a problem."

"Oh, is it?" Phil teases, running his cool hands over Dan's thighs, his flank, his ass. It's like he can't decide where to settle them, not that Dan is complaining about the exploration.

"Yeah, but don't worry, I can fix it." Dan flicks the buttons of Phil's shirt open, pressing his lips to Phil's collarbone as soon as the bright fabric is out of the way. He feels Phil exhale as one of his hands tangles loosely in Dan's hair.

The texture of Phil's jeans feels weird against Dan's bare inner thighs. He leans forward a bit so less of his skin is touching denim before doing something he hasn't done since he was a literal teenager. He bites down rather gently on Phil's pale collarbone and soothes it with his tongue, giving Phil plenty of opportunity to protest before he goes in properly to leave a mark.

Dan finishes unbuttoning Phil's shirt while he sucks and nips at Phil's clavicle, and he lets his large hands map out the rest of Phil's torso while he darkens the bruise to his satisfaction.

Little sighs keep escaping Phil's lips as he runs his fingers through Dan's damp hair, and Dan is sure that he would have been tugged away by now if this wasn't good for Phil, too. Dan brushes his fingertips over Phil's ribs and bites down harder, just to see where the line is.

Phil's breath hitches. Otherwise, he doesn't really react.

"You're like a vampire," he comments, his voice low and dry and very, very attractive to Dan. "Do you bite all the boys?"

"Nah," Dan murmurs, nosing at the small, blossoming bruises. He likes the way they look, hopes that Phil will send him photos later with them on display. "Just you. Want you to think about me while I'm gone."

"Trust me," says Phil. "That was never going to be a problem. D'you like getting them, too, or do you just like giving them?"

What a perfect set up to a shitty joke. Dan's favourite. He grins wide and winks up at Phil, tweaking Phil's nipple ring as he does. "Oh, I'm versatile."

Even with his shirt pushed open, his cheeks pinked, his eyes dark and intense despite not being able to see much of anything, Phil manages to roll his eyes. "Yeah, alright. D'you want a hickey or not?"

"Yes, please," Dan says cheerfully. "Nowhere I might accidentally flash to a camera."

Phil hums and looks Dan over, thoughtful. Dan feels his dick twitch at the attention and resists the ridiculous urge to cover himself.

"Okay," says Phil, patting Dan's thighs decisively. "Lie down."

"Sounds good to me, my dude," says Dan. He laughs as he rolls off of Phil and onto his back, suddenly remembering something he'd said to Phil on what he now knows was their first date. "Never sit when you can lie down, am I right?"

"You are right," Phil says dryly. He shrugs off his shirt and lets it fall to the floor. "You are also very annoying."

"Is this because I dude-zoned you?"

Phil's lips twitch, and he smacks at the general direction of Dan's thigh. He misses, hits the mattress instead, and Dan can't hold back a snort. Phil's depth perception is shot without his glasses, and Dan is so endeared by his confused blinking.

"Where are you?" Phil murmurs, mostly to himself, and stretches his hand out to connect with Dan's hip. "Aha. There you are. Got you."

"I literally was not moving." This time, the slap does connect with Dan's thigh. He doesn't really mind, but he makes a big show of sulking about it anyway. "Ow, rude."

"As if that hurt," Phil says dismissively. He trails his hand over Dan's hip and lower stomach before he moves to settle between Dan's legs, as if he's using his palm to map out where he needs to be.

Okay, yeah, Dan can work with this. He wiggles to get more comfortable and arches a bit into Phil's touch.

This always makes Dan feel so vulnerable. He knows that Phil can't see him clearly, but that doesn't seem to matter to that sense of shame that Dan still hasn't managed to eradicate. Phil presses his lips to Dan's thigh and Dan spreads his legs wider in response, blushing furiously and thanking his lucky stars that Phil probably won't notice it.

Dan knows what he wants, and normally he'd have no trouble asking for it, but he's nervous. It's hard to focus completely on the wet suction of Phil's mouth on his inner thigh when all Dan can think about is how terrifying this is to him. He can't figure out the source of the anxiety at first, mind drifting down various paths the way it had in the shower, but he's jolted back into the present when the sharp edge of Phil's teeth press against his skin.

Suddenly, it's obvious. Of course this is nerve-wracking. Everything that he's felt with Phil has been more intense than anything he's felt before, from such simple things as holding hands to the feeling of Phil's cock in his mouth, and Dan already knows how much he likes being fucked. He's nervous about, like, blacking out or doing something else stupidly embarrassing like that.

Phil pulls back to look at the mark he's left on Dan's inner thigh as best as he can without perfect vision, and Dan tries his best to ignore whatever notions of shame and fear still try to make him feel like less for enjoying something like this.

"Hey," he says, reaching for the bottle of lube before he can lose his nerve. "While you're down there, might as well make yourself useful."

It takes a bit of squinting, but Phil snorts a laugh when he figures out what Dan is holding out to him. "I thought I was already being useful," Phil says, "but sure, whatever you say."

"Don't act like it's a hardship," Dan huffs. He shifts down a bit, getting his hips in a more comfortable position. He can see a red flush all over his chest, and he bets his face looks even worse. He needs to keep fighting back that embarrassment, that shame. That fear of it being so good he won't know how to act. He doesn't want to tell Phil everything, but he wants to somewhat explain himself in case Phil can tell he's acting weird. "Though, like, guess you should know that it's been a while."

"How long we talking?" Phil hums as he brushes his thumb over Dan's dick, teasing.

"Uh," says Dan. "Like, uni."

That makes Phil sit up a bit and furrow his brow in the general direction of Dan's face. "Dan, that's almost -"

"I know," Dan groans, covering his red face with both hands. "I know it's been almost ten fucking years, Phil, but I'm not going to fucking - break, or freak out, or whatever. I do fuck myself, okay, it's just been since uni that another person's done it for me."

"Okay," Phil says, his voice soft and soothing. He squeezes Dan's thighs and leans in to press a chaste kiss to the pudge of Dan's tummy.

"Okay?" Dan repeats, his heart beating way too fast to match Phil's serenity.

"Yeah, okay," says Phil. He smiles. "You say you're okay, I believe you. Just keep talking to me, okay? And you can change your mind whenever."

Dan swallows around a sudden lump in his throat. Fuck, he shouldn't be getting so emotional just because someone about to fuck him is treating him gently, but he might have more issues around this than he'd thought he did. He reaches down to tangle his fingers with Phil's, squeezing both of his hands.

"Oh, so now you want me to talk?" he teases.

His voice doesn't come out nearly as conversational as he wants it to, but Phil is kind enough not to draw attention to it. Instead, he just asks, "You want me to suck you off? Give you something else to focus on?"

"Are you that coordinated?" Dan asks, trying his best to get the light atmosphere back. He can't deal with the weight of emotion right this second, not when he's leaving so fucking soon. He's got enough emotions to deal with about that, he doesn't need to add more onto his plate. He isn't exactly 'good' with 'emotion'.

Thankfully, Phil laughs. He pinches Dan's thigh, close to where he'd left a bruise but not quite on it. "Hey, fuck you."

"That's what I'm saying," Dan laughs too, wiggling his hips. "Fuck me."

Phil still isn't looking directly at Dan's face, but his reassuring little grin still hits Dan as hard as it would have if they were staring into each other's eyes. He settles back down between Dan's spread legs and taps at Dan's thigh.

"Lift," he instructs, and Dan knows he's blushing even deeper as he hooks a leg over Phil's bare shoulder, making things a bit easier on both of them. God, but the vulnerability is so much worse like this. Dan likes being looked at by the right eyes, but the feeling of being on display like this makes him squirmy somewhere in his gut. Phil hums against Dan's thigh, presses soft kisses over it until the muscle relaxes. "Be easier if you put the condom on for me, yeah?"

All too happy to have something to focus on that isn't the feeling of Phil's fingers brushing over his balls, Dan does as he's told.

It's easier like this, it really is. Phil is working by touch more than sight, and that becomes doubly true when Dan's dick is in his mouth and he's got his pretty, unfocused eyes closed. Dan fights back the panic threatening to overtake him, because this is just Phil.

It's just Phil. And more than anyone else he's ever met, Dan thinks that he probably trusts this man the most. He tangles his fingers in Phil's soft bedding, breathing deeply and doing his best to relax when Phil goes ahead and rubs his fingers over Dan, presses a tiny bit inside him, makes a questioning sort of noise around Dan's cock.

"Yeah," Dan breathes, letting his own eyes fall closed so he can just think about how good this feels. "It's good, you can keep going."

And it is. It's really, really good. Dan already knows he likes this, knows that a finger inside him while a hot mouth is wrapped around his cock is one of the better things for him in bed, but Phil sure does turn this up to eleven, too.

Phil isn't even trying to get him off right now, is the thing. He's sucking Dan lazily, keeping his cock warm more than actually blowing him, and his finger - fingers, after a minute, and that slight stretch makes Dan bite back a truly mortifying noise - aren't seeking out Dan's prostate, but none of that makes this any less good for Dan.

He doesn't treat Dan like he's made of glass, and Dan appreciates that almost as much as he appreciates the steady thrum of pleasure coursing through him as Phil gets him ready. He had been a bit wary that admitting the length of time would make Phil gentle and nervous, as if Dan were a bloody virgin or something, but he should really stop projecting so many of his own anxieties on a man who is clearly more well-adjusted than Dan.

The only thing Phil does is slow down when Dan has been quiet for too long, make some prompting noises, pull off him to remind Dan to breathe with him. It's considerate in a way that doesn't make Dan feel embarrassed and smothered, and Dan could fucking kiss him for that. In fact, he will, as soon as Phil comes back into kissing distance. Dan could never articulate any of this to Phil, of course, but he can kiss him until he gets the general idea.

Dan babbles. Of course he does, he's been given explicit permission to do so. It's all a jumble of affirmations and curses, not exactly sensical, but he doesn't think Phil expects him to be talking in proper sentences right this second.

Eventually, though, Dan groans and reaches for Phil's hair, pulling him off. "Okay, okay, fuck. I'm good, need you now."

He opens his eyes and has to swallow another noise at how good Phil looks right now, all reddened mouth and darkened eyes. He surely can't see the way Dan is gawping at him, but the way he smirks makes Dan think that maybe he can sense it. "What exactly do you need?" Phil asks, playing dumb. Dan would kick him if he was physically able to.

"I'm going to kick you," Dan informs him.

"Wow, abuse of the boyfriend," says Phil. He nips at Dan's stomach and sits up with a little roll of his neck, stretching it. "I'm just asking for some clarity, Daniel, you already have me."

"You're terrible," says Dan. "This is terrible. If you don't have your dick inside me in the next ten seconds, you're sleeping on the sofa."

Phil's fake-innocent mask breaks as he giggles, tongue poking out from between his teeth. "This is my bed!" he protests.

Honestly, Dan doesn't care whose bed it is. This is a ridiculous argument to be having when Phil's got three of his fingers in Dan's ass.

"Ten," Dan threatens like he would with a small child, and Phil laughs even harder at him. Dan can feel giggles threatening to bubble up from his own chest, and he tries to hold back a very unsexy snort. "Shut up, oh my god, you're the absolute worst."

"I'm not the one whining about not getting my way," Phil points out.

"Hi, have we met? I'm Dan."

Phil rolls his eyes to the ceiling and shakes his head. The loss of his fingers makes Dan whine involuntarily, and he whines even louder when Phil stands up.

Thankfully, Phil only stays off the bed long enough to shuck his jeans and pants off. Dan reaches for him, wraps a hand around Phil's cock and revels in the soft, surprised 'oh' of a noise that falls from Phil's lips. He's hard and heavy and Dan has to know if that Prince Albert will do anything for him when Phil is inside him. He gives Phil a couple strokes and tears open another condom. Maybe if Dan were a less lazy person, he'd take his own off now that it isn't needed, but - hey, it's already there, clean-up's going to be a lot easier. Whatever.

He doesn't think he can stay on his back. He isn't entirely convinced that he won't get teary if this feels at all like this 'making love' thing people keep talking about, first of all, but Dan also has far more practical excuses for rolling onto his front. His thighs are starting to cramp up, and the other people who live in this building would surely appreciate Dan's loud mouth being pressed into a pillow. Dan has so many things he could say to Phil if he asks about the change of position, but Phil doesn't ask.

A cool palm runs over Dan's lower back and rests on his hip, squeezing. Dan sighs and buries his nose further into the pillowcase. It smells like Phil's fruity shampoo, and that's comforting. This isn't as scary now that Dan remembers exactly how at ease Phil puts him, has been able to since they met.

Phil working mostly by touch gives Dan enough warning that he doesn't quite gasp when he feels the head of Phil's cock pressing against him, but he does groan into Phil's pillow.

He definitely forgot to warn Phil about his volume control issues. It would be fairly redundant to do it now, Dan thinks, because the barely-muffled sound he makes when Phil starts to sink into him is already the loudest one he's made in Phil's presence.

Phil pauses, squeezing Dan's hip again. "Hey. Good or bad?"

Dan turns his face just enough to laugh breathlessly, stretching his arms out to hold onto the pillow. "Uh, fucking incredible."

"Yeah," Phil agrees, voice so low that Dan can practically feel it vibrating down his spine. He rolls his hips carefully and makes a choked-off laugh of a noise when Dan outright moans, only able to hide the tail end of it in the pillow. "Christ. You weren't kidding, yeah? You really like this?"

Eyes closed, practically suffocating himself, Dan does his best to nod.

He does. He really likes this.

The thing is, he still isn't really sure that he's able to vocalize that, at least not right this second. Dan rocks his hips back instead of trying to articulate some kind of response, heat sparking through him at the motion. God, but it really has been a long time since Dan has gotten fucked. Phil lets his hips snap forward to meet Dan's little thrusts, and, yeah. Fuck.

Dan was right. This feels so much better than any other cock he's ever had, and it isn't because the ball of Phil's piercing keeps nudging against Dan's prostate just right or because he's thick enough to stretch Dan just the way he likes - or, okay, it isn't solely because of those things. They do help.

It's just because this is Phil rocking into him, pressing kisses over his shoulders, making little breathy noises whenever Dan clenches around him.

Honestly, Dan had no idea that liking someone so much and trusting them with his body would make sex this much better. Sure, yeah, it makes logical sense or whatever, but it isn't something he could have ever guessed he'd get to experience.

He’s still overthinking when a particularly hard thrust has him rushing to the edge faster than he has in a long time, making his entire mind short-circuit.

"Oh," he moans, curling his hands into fists in Phil’s pillow and nodding into the fabric. "Oh, fuck, s-sorry, close -"

Phil's laugh turns into a groan, and Dan thinks that's the hottest thing he's ever heard. "The fuck are you sorry for, Dan?" He slides one of his hands around to play with Dan's cock, tight enough that Dan doesn't even fucking care about the latex barrier keeping him from the texture of Phil's palm. Phil presses more of his weight onto Dan, kisses the side of his neck, murmurs directly into his ear. "I want you to come."

Yeah. Okay. Dan might be a bit suggestible. He bites down on Phil’s pillow as his orgasm hits, embarrassingly quickly. Maybe he does black out for a second, because he feels heat through his entire body one moment and absolutely boneless the next.

Phil is still kissing over his feverish skin when Dan comes back to himself, and the feeling of him grinding slow into Dan is hovering right on the knife edge of too-much.

"Fuck," Dan gasps, turning his head so he can breathe again. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth and he isn't sure that his arms will ever not be jelly again. He feels Phil stop moving, probably planning to pull out, and he whines a bit. "No, s'okay. You can finish, baby."

If Dan were more present, he might care that he's called someone baby unironically. As it is, he just wiggles back into Phil and revels in the moan he gets in response.

"You sure?" Phil checks, voice trembling the tiniest bit. It's like he's holding himself back. He doesn't have to do that, not with Dan.

"Very sure," says Dan. He closes his eyes, lets the too-much turn back into a low level thrum of pleasure. He's not nineteen anymore, he definitely can't go again tonight, but it still feels good to be making Phil feel good. He hums and reaches a hand back to hold onto Phil's, both of them pressed against Dan's hip. He feels loose-limbed, happy, and he doesn't second guess himself at all when he adds, "I like the way it feels. You can keep going."

"God," Phil breathes. He gives Dan a couple of slow, careful thrusts, testing the waters, but when Dan only makes a contented noise in response, Phil starts really fucking him again.

Dan holds tight to Phil's hand and lets Phil use him for his own end, murmuring absolute nonsense to help him along. Just, "Yeah, that's it, doesn't it feel good, you feel good", that sort of thing.

Still, Phil does get there before Dan stops enjoying the oversensitive feeling. His rhythm falters a couple of times and his blunt nails dig into Dan's skin, hopefully leaving more physical reminders of the best sex Dan's ever had, before he's groaning something that sounds like Dan's name and coming. Dan whimpers at the feeling of Phil losing control inside him.

They're both panting and sweaty and have gross condoms to dispose of, but when Phil pulls out of him and pulls him into a cuddle, Dan feels more at peace than he thinks he ever has in his goddamn life.

"I don't want to leave," Dan whispers into the quiet, because he isn't sure if he's told Phil as much.

"I don't want you to leave," Phil says, pressing a kiss to Dan's damp curls. His arms feel so steady around Dan, not at all jelly like Dan's are. "But you'll be back when you can, right? And I go to Florida every year with my family, I can totally road trip to you."

With any luck, that won't be necessary. Dan is too fucked-out and sleepy to turn this into a Conversation, though, so he just makes an affirmative sort of noise and nuzzles into Phil's chest.

They can clean up in a minute.

"Sorry, sorry, I know I was almost late, but I promise I have a good reason for it -"

"You can't be almost late," Phil says, rather patiently for the time of morning it is in London. He looks tired, glasses on and hair an absolute mess, but he'd woken up just because Dan had asked him to. Dan can see Thor's nose, resting on Phil's thigh, and everything inside him wants to crawl through the screen to join them both.

Dan settles in the hotel bed with his phone, grinning at how cute they both look even through shitty FaceTime quality. "Still, I'm sorry. I know it's early."

"Yeah," Phil says, unable to stop himself from yawning. He gives Dan a sheepish little smile. "But I wanted to see you. How's L.A. going? Has anyone tried to lick you yet?"

"For the last time, you're the only person who has multiple stories of strangers trying to lick you," says Dan. He winks. "Not that I blame them."

The grin Phil gives him makes his stomach swoop. Dan wonders if it's ever going to stop doing that.

"Shut up," Phil says, fond. He shifts around on his sofa, getting comfortable, and Thor gives him a disappointed sort of look for the temporary displacement. "Sorry, buddy. But I'm serious, Dan, what's up? You've been stupidly vague."

"Yeah, I guess I have," says Dan. He lifts a shoulder in a lazy sort of shrug and puts his hand in front of his mouth to try and hide the ridiculously happy grin on his face. "I've been talking to producers all day, and it's been a fucking nightmare. Just got back to the hotel, I really did think I'd be back earlier than this and I could try to be early for once, but."

Phil blinks at him. "I thought you were on vacation."

"Don't you think I'd go to your place if I were on vacation?" Dan laughs. "No, I - I didn't want to get your hopes up. But like, here's the thing. I've got news."

Even Thor seems to perk up. Dan grins at his screen, wishes he could watch Phil's eyes go from their carefully guarded neutrality into something that's softer, more hopeful. Just for Dan.

"You've got news," Phil repeats. He bites his lip. "What kind of news?"

Dan had this whole plan to drag it out, make it all dramatic, but now that he's faced with the cautious optimism in Phil's face, he can't bring himself to do it. He laughs, rolls onto his side to get more comfortable. "Well, you can tell your mum I'm coming round for Christmas, for one."

#can't breathe when you touch my sleeve #dnp fic #phanfic #phan #phanfiction #words words words #i can't believe it's over.... fuck. i hope i made y'all smile and laugh and feel good #that was the whole point #;~;

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ofaurcra · 5 years

Text

TASK #001: EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT.

GENERAL INFO

full name: CHIURA AZAMI nickname(s): AZA, MIMI, AMI gender & pronouns: SHE/HER sexual & romantic orientation: BISEXUAL & BIROMANTIC age & dob: 22, 9TH NOVEMBER 1996 birthplace/hometown: YOKOHAMA, JAPAN parents/siblings: CHIURA AKEMI (MOTHER) & CHIURA TATSUYA (FATHER), AZA ALSO HAS A SIMILARLY AGED BROTHER. pet(s): TONKINESE CAT (KIMURA) (X) & SINGAPURA KITTEN (ROMI) (X) astrological sign: SCORPIO dominant hand: LEFT handwriting style: neat, small & cursive (very pronounced swirls joining letters or flicking them off) language(s) known/spoken: JAPANESE, KOREAN, ENGLISH, FRENCH religion: AGNOSTIC current living arrangements: OWNS HER OWN UPTOWN STUDIO APARTMENT occupation/major: FASHION DESIGN AND FLOWER SHOP MANAGER

PHYSICAL

picture reference: (X) blood type: AB+ nationality: japanese skin tone/color: honeyed glow birthmarks & scars: birthmark on her neck and one behind her ear, they’re usually a very pale beige and she has a scar located on her pelvis from being shoved into a brick wall when younger and scraping across the skin. height: 5′4 build: petite but athletically toned allowing for surprising strength hair color: platinum blonde currently, silvery tonage hair length: (X), (X) her hair is currently this length and style eye color: naturally rich chocolate brown but she’s taken to wearing jade hued contacts more recently. diet: healthy and balanced but she isn’t overly worried over it, she quite likes her salads and all her fruits anyway and will happily choose them over sugary snacks. the only time she really binge eats is on her patisserie visits, if she has people over for breakfast (cause she goes all out she is an extra bitch) or if she’s having a movie night with friends. exercise & level of fitness: she tends to swim and run a lot but is more prone to relaxing exercises which help the mind and body like yoga and meditation, she’s very flexible and used to do gymnastics too. but in general she gets the recommended amount of aerobic activity recommended for healthy adults. how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )?: she usually stands very upright, with her chin in the air so her posture is really good and she often has her arms crossed if she’s being all ‘business workaholic’ aza but if she’s being more relaxed and casual she tends to slant one leg out more and jut the knee with a hand usually resting on her right hip. typical style of dress: (x), (x), (x), (x), (x),(x) body modifications: (x) - this tattoo can be located on aza’s index finger, (x) - this tattoo is located on aza’s back lying just above where her bra strap would sit, (x) (x) - the first image references the design of this tattoo and the second shows the location being just beneath the breast and across the ribcage, it is a tiny tattoo that she shares with ( @sunsbloom) signifying her bond with ivy and referencing the shared zodiac of scorpio between them. (x) - this tattoo can be located behind aza’s left ear. (x) (x) - both these finger tattoos can be located in the places on the images. (x) - this tattoo is dedicated to her brother and can be found on her inner thigh but it is incredibly tiny. (x), (x), (x), (x) - these ones are located in the same places as they are on the images. what can be noticed is that aza has a surprising amount of tattoo’s yes but all are tiny designs and usually incorporate floral elements because she feels such an affliction for flowers, she also prefers to use white ink or red where she can if it works stylistically. finally, she’s hoping to get these (x) with america squad ( @hijinae, @ofdaeseong) as a tribute to their friendship.

MANNERISMS

how does your muse walk?: it’s a bit of a sashay when she’s in the mindframe of getting things done with a lot of hip swinging and fast pace, its not an intentional boss bitch walk but it happens naturally when she’s in a rush. if she isn’t stressed or busy then her walk becomes more of a peaceful and slow paced saunter where she appears to admire or take in her surroundings a little more and get a little zoned out. how does your muse talk?: aza has a delicate and gentle voice, it’s soft and comforting but it’s not quiet at all, she talks clearly and with confidence and when in a position of leadership she can project it without issue. it tends to sound like she’s drawling out words when she’s with those she is comfortable with in a somewhat unintentionally seductive way. she just has a sexy voice asfhfh what can u do. what does their laugh sound like?: twinkly, it comes out in quiet and soft peels and is more akin to a giggle, it kind of lingers in the room long after she’s finished because her laughter is usually short when its genuine as well. how does your muse typically smell?: she favors fruity perfumes which aren’t overpowering but strong enough to catch on the breeze when she moves her hair or embraces someone so scents like patchouli, musk, white amber, grapefruit, wild berries, caramel, praline, jasmine, freesia, peony and pomegranate are some of her favorites. what kind of air do they carry?: somewhat regal, a don’t fuck with me vibe like she’s always sizing you up and knows your next move before even you do to strangers. to friends she’s like a strict but overly affectionate mom. do they have a(ny) catchphrase(s)?: as the legend ariana once said ain’t you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch. what are their nervous ticks?: she runs her hands through her hair a lot, like frequently in a matter of seconds or minutes and pushes it back a lot haphazardly, she also bites her lip or chews things more when stressed.

PSYCHOLOGY

what makes your muse happiest?: spending time with the america squad or ivy since those are her bestest friends, in the past phone calls with her brother really lifted her spirits when she was struggling but its been a while since she’s had one, going out for coffee or picnics in the summer. what upsets them the most?: liars and hypocrites, in general but especially in family dynamics she cannot stand parents who have children and then don’t love them unconditionally as a parent is expected to. she’ll flare up if her friends have family issues and she sees their parents talking down to them automatically because she knows what that feels like and most of the time in her experience with rich upbringing the parents aren’t so perfect either. what are their hobbies? how frequent do/can they do them?: she likes to sketch when designing her fashion and she’s pretty good at painting, likes exploring fashion or art museums and exhibits, likes finding new cafes and quiet restaurants or patisseries for hangout spots, loves spending time in botanical gardens and at the library reading. she’s a bit of an adventurer by nature she just loves to be going places but more quiet hobbies are things like baking, journalism and a bit of blogging. do they have any guilty pleasures?: other than food not really but aza does occasionally enjoy to socially smoke if she goes out partying. she’ll also deny it to all hell and back because sorbet is healthier but she could eat five tubs of ice cream in one evening. is your muse an extrovert or an introvert? neither?: she funnily enough is sort of both, i would say she is more extroverted now because circumstances have definitely forced her to be so if she isn’t working one of her many diverse jobs she is going out and exploring but she used to be a huge introvert. and if there is one sign of rain find her under a duvet with hot cocoa sleeping the day away and marathoning on netflix. do they have high or low self-esteem? what about confidence?: she loves herself what more can i say. she doesn’t believe in vanity she thinks its important to be in love with yourself and i would say her self love comes from a place where it is well earned because she definitely struggled with low self esteem and confidence issues in the past being so silenced and controlled by her father. are they easily stressed and how do they normally respond to it?: definitely, if you worked the way aza does you would be as well. it doesn’t help she’s prone to anxiety attacks from stress so she doesn’t respond very well. if its a minimal amount she can be alright, she tends to just walk away and take a break until her head is clear but sometimes if she is overwhelmed she’ll just break down and cry over the smallest things and shut down on herself, going quiet and unresponsive, she tends to get shaky and her breathing worsens. what is your muses worst fear?: following in her parents footsteps and one day being a neglectful parent, she hates the idea of letting anyone down especially her own potential family. what is your muses biggest dream?: making it as a fashion designer i suppose, she doesn’t want fame especially after seeing how it made her family act with people due to their empire and riches but she wants to live comfortably and be able to show her talents and fresh perspective off more. is your muse a morning person or a night dragon?: definitely a night dragon but she tries to go to bed and get up at the same time when she can because its supposedly healthier to have a routine. how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it?: aza is very cultured and i would say she has a philosophical and extremely open mind. her intelligence is one of the kinds where it is more of wisdom than it is scientific and factual or academic alone. though she did incredibly well with her grades academically she’s still god awful at maths and will not engage with it. describe their sense of humor: dry witted, sarcastic, sometimes dark, crude.

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES

are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships?: there aren’t any plotted out for aza yet (but like pls do come love her down) but knowing her anyway i’m just going to say she probably is in sexual relationships because aza is prone to having flings. what is their experience with relationships?: OOF its not great, mostly negative since her life has became more stable in daegu she’s slowly starting to feel and receive and learn how to allow herself for healthy ones but in the past she had a lot of fucked up ones due to miscommunication and her fear of commitment primarily. how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one? would they ever?: yes yes and yes. BUT aza is way more cautious about it because she’s very aware that usually its a one sided kind of fun where one person ends up falling harder than the other and being hurt. how important is sex to your muse?: i want to say she isn’t that shallow and it isn’t important but... it is, i think for aza its a way to feel things and immerse herself in those emotions without having to feel vulnerable at all but at the same time that only applies to good sexual partners. if not aza thinks sex is just...average at best, its not bad and its not mindblowingly good its just kind of nice for a while and then its done. what are their biggest turn on and turn offs?: OH LAWD, okay well turn on’s: neck biting, choking, broad physique, a lil bit of manhandling like yes slam her against the door and yes pin her down to the table and yes you can lift her and push her on the counter. turn offs: anything too weird like foot fetishes or watersports or something and doNT for the love of god pls don’t ever spank her, she will freak out, spankings are triggers for her big time. does your muse find it easy to make friends?: yeah i mean azami is pretty agreeable, she gets along with basically everyone. its hard for her to have enemies although she may have healthy rivals and frenemies there is never truly really any bad blood between azami and others. she likes to work through the kinks in relationships and she’s stubborn so she won’t give up on people without one hell of a fight. she even tends to stay friends with her ex’s because in her eyes they should be adult and able to wish each other well in their lives and be happy for one another without tension or awkwardness. how important is friendship to them?: considering that for aza her friends have been like her found and chosen family and her only real soulmate connection that runs truly deep in this world is ivy emotionally speaking i think friendship is the most important thing in the world to azami. quantity or quality of friends?: 100% quality of friends how important is family?: suprisingly although azami’s family are trash and can rot she does find them important and she always will love them and she always will wish that her dad was proud of her. also even though she hates that her brother kind of shadows her and makes bad choices bc of it and she shoulders the blame a lot of the time he is the center of her world and she would do anything for him. she hates the fact she couldn’t be there for him the way she wanted growing up and protect him as much as she’d have liked are they close to their family? why or why not ?: hnhh i mean this one is obvious but no she isn’t close to her family. she did not fit the mold of prim and perfect princess who does as daddy says and knows her place without question even if its wrong. her mother simply shut her out as a way to cope with the fact aza wouldn’t pretend like she would. its also to do with the fact that she had aza far too young and didn’t get a chance to live her own life as she constantly made sacrifices for her and to keep the family together but aza doesn’t know so much about all of that.

FAVORITES

activity: reading animal: cats and she likes chinchilla’s beverage: strawberry smoothies and vanilla and honey milkshakes book: milk and honey by rupi kaur color: pastel pink and mustard yellow designer: ralph laurent food: coq au vin and churro’s flower: wisteria gem: garnet holiday: valentines mode of transportation: car or cycling movie: burlesque musical artist: lana del rey quote / saying: l'avoir c'est avoir les étoiles scenery: starry nights in flower covered fields, bright days in quiet secluded peach orchards and strawberry farms. scent: jasmine weather: sunny but with a light breeze vacation destination: bali

ATTITUDES

greatest dream: fashion designer of haut couture dresses greatest fear: letting down her family and loved ones most at ease when: in a quiet cafe getting work done, having a movie night cuddled up with jinae,dae and the cats, shopping and spending time with ivy doing anything really, looking at art or reading poetry in the sunshine. least as ease when: facing unwanted advances, having phone calls with her family, facing a tight deadline with a heavy workload. worst possible thing that could happen: losing the opportunity to be a parent because she’s too afraid of messing her kids up the way she was and losing the chance to be happily married and living alone forever because she can’t open up to someone on that level of vulnerability. biggest achievement: modelling for some lesser known brands and being included in photography shootings for freelance friends. opening up her flower shop and balancing two other jobs as well as her education. being invited to attend some fashion shows by having some designer connections biggest secret: azami doesn’t really like to keep secrets so there isn’t anything scandalous other than the fact that at one point when she was younger she had a slight crush on dae and if anything that’s just laughable to them now so she doesn’t really give it much thought. top priorities: work, coming up with new innovative and fresh ideas for all of her work and not only dedicating herself to her study of and love of fashion, making time for her friends no matter how busy she gets, remembering to go easy on herself and allow herself to take breaks and vacations.

#daegu:task #if u read all of this god bless u and ur crops may u have a fruitful harvest

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thethaumaturgeworld · 5 years

Text

Jude’s Last Strike (The Thaumaturge World Teaser)

The fire wasn’t exactly the worst part of Jude’s week, but it came as a close second.

On the bright side, Jude now understood the universal law of returning books to the school library on time. Because that’s how this whole mess started. A library book.

Jude was a thirteen-year-old student at Havendale Primary. Upon first meeting Jude, you couldn’t tell that he was a troublemaker because he seemed like such an average teen. Bright brown eyes, strawberry blonde hair, and freckles, nothing out of the ordinary. He was smaller than most kids his age, which was an advantage when hiding from teachers, policemen and disgruntled neighbours out for revenge.

His Dad often turned to Jude’s Uncle Aaron, telling him he was a bad influence. Aaron would just laugh it off, of course. But there could’ve been some corruption there. Aaron had told them many stories of the dumb things he did in his younger life. Pranks he used to pull, things that he thought was smart at the time but later discovered could’ve killed him. The real rebel inspiration, however, belonged to Jude’s late grandfather.

William died three years prior, coincidentally a month before Jude’s rebellious attitude had spiked. Nobody is sure of the cause of his death, but Jude knew something that nobody else had. He still couldn’t quite explain it. When he had reached his grandfather’s house a few blocks away and saw the ambulance, he’d have sworn he had seen something scuttle across the road.

At first, he thought it was his imagination. Then he thought it might have been a bearded dragon. Upon closer inspection, that theory was squashed. The creature had scales that were dark cream in colour. A lamp like object on its head similar to an angler fish. Jude only saw it for a second before it disappeared into the bushes. It was real, and it had come from the house in which William Blake was found dead.

The real story began on a Monday, as a class of seventh graders left their classrooms for break time.

Jude was pretty tired after a whole day of boring lectures from different teachers. He knew a fair share of the topics discussed in class; he just didn’t care enough today to listen to the things he didn’t know. Before he made it around the corner to get to the staircase, he felt a hand grab his arm.

“Hey! wait for me!” Henry Jones said with exasperation, “I was caught at the back of the row, and you sped off like a runaway car. Are you trying to avoid me?” He smirked at him at the last sentence.

“I am not avoiding you,” Jude rolled his eyes at the other boy, “I forgot.”

“Your own friend?” Henry placed a hand over his heart, “I am wounded.”

Jude snorted in laughter, “Don’t expect an apology any time soon.”

Henry pouted but then just shook his head, looking up the staircase, “We have… history after this?”

“Ms Jacobus? Correct,” Jude replied.

They headed up the stairs, into the mostly empty hallway. Henry placed his backpack in the row in front of the classroom. Most students were making their way back so they could join the rest of the school on the field, chattering amongst each other. Jude placed his own backpack next to his friend’s.

That’s when he noticed Henry’s eyes following his every move. He looked at him, confused.

“What are you looking at? Does my face resemble a steak?” Jude asked.

He shrugged in response, “Just wondering what you’ve got up your sleeve for today. Any plans?”

Oh. Right. Reputation.

“I thought I should tone down on the surprises today,” Jude explained, “So my sleeves are all empty.”

“Hey, Blake!” He heard behind him. He knew who it was before he turned around. Amy was making her way toward them, her school monitor badge set blinking on her white shirt collar, mocking him.

“Anything you want?” Jude asked.

“Yeah,” Amy said slowly, “The library book? Do you have it with you? Karla’s been stressing about it all morning. It’s two days late, you’re gonna have to pay.”

Jude tried to avoid looking at Henry, “Library book? The ghost story one?”

Amy crossed her arms, “Unless you have other books that are past due, yes the ghost story one? Please return it today… okay? Give us all peace of mind so Karla won’t have another anxiety attack.”

Jude flashed a thumbs up, “It’s in my backpack.”

Amy smirked as she looked over Jude’s shoulder at Henry, “Good, and good luck.”

She turned around and swiftly walked away. Jude turned toward Henry, who was positively glaring at him. Jude shrugged, grinning. “Whoops?” He said.

Henry groaned, “Why!? You told me you returned it!”

“I forgot,” Jude responded, already rifling through his backpack to look for it.

“I asked you if you gave it back and you said yes!” Henry stuck his hand in his dark brown hair, much like Jude’s father would do if he was frustrated. He sighed, “You have it here, though? Right?”

“I’m looking! I’m looking!” Jude said, “Hold your horses!”

“I cannot be stable! You know that!”

“Ah yes; Henry Jones, my dear unstable friend.” He rifled through his books until his hand closed around the library book. He smiled and showed it to Henry, “We’re in luck.”

Henry sighed in relief “Great,” He said, “Let’s go return it.”

They reached the bottom floor where kids from grades one to seven were already on the field. Jude could see a few familiar faces; Abu and Hansie were playing ball closeby. The ball almost hit Imka. The girl turned around and started to shout at them. All good fun.

They finally arrived at the school library.

When they entered, the line at the front desk was long, and Jude almost decided to turn back. Karma, art thou a heartless snitch.

“I’m gonna return this,” Jude said “You can look around. Looks like I’m gonna be a while.”

Henry nodded “Yeah, I’ll be over at the Comic Book section.”

Henry left for the comic books and left Jude standing in line alone. He tapped the book against his leg as he waited. The line shortened way too slowly. He really didn’t want to wait this long and waste his break.

He was considering ditching the library and come back during the second break when the librarian called ‘Next!’ and realised he was the next one. He stepped forward and placed the book on the table. He was just going to turn away when Mrs Botha grabbed his wrist. He sighed. Of course. He turned to face her. She let go of his wrist slowly, peering at him over her golden spectacles.

“It’s late,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

“Yes, it is,” Jude admitted, “Would you also be interested in knowing the colour of the sky?”

She sneered at him, “Five Rand Mr Blake.”

“Fine,” Jude sighed, “I’ll bring it tomorrow. Can I be excused so I can enjoy what is left of my break, or will you prefer to keep me in your clutches?”

Mrs Botha’s glare hardened. “Go,” She hissed.

Jude left as fast as he could and looked for Henry. He walked passed the kiddies’ section, avoiding Karla as she organised some books. He saw the Comic Book section up ahead. All of a sudden, a strange feeling overcame him. He saw something scaly move in the corner of his eye. He turned around. A strange creature was making its way around a bookcase and right towards the Computer Lab.

Jude’s eyes widened when he recognised it. Now that he was closer, he could easily make out the bat-like ears and large, yellow eyes. This one was a lighter colour than the one from three years ago, though, but looked to be the same species. A part of Jude wanted to turn around and pretend it never happened.

Alas, he followed it like an idiot.

He supposed a part of him hoped that by following, he’d find an answer to what had happened to his grandfather. Finally, there would be no more ‘maybes’. This creature could hold the answer, and he needed answers.

Jude saw as the creature zipped into the Computer Lab and with little hesitation, Jude followed. He cautiously observed the room. Old school computers were lined on the tables with cables and mouse pads. The blinds over the windows were closed, and everything looked normal. There was no sign of the angler gecko.

He considered leaving. Little did he know that he was at a crossroad. The decision he made now, will directly impact the rest of his life.

He can get Henry and leave. Spend some time with him and finish this day’s school work. Pretend this never happened. But no… he couldn’t. This creature would keep coming back, and he’d just be forced into another encounter one day anyway. With that thought in mind, he proceeded forward into the room. He scanned the room carefully, a strange feeling crawling down the back of his neck.

His chest burned as he moved slowly into the place. Something was holding him back. He shakily bent down and checked under one of the tables. There was nothing. No sign of anything out of place.

The burning in his chest intensified, his ears buzzed. It felt as if the walls were closing in. He got off the floor and headed to the door before he could think. He looked back and saw nothing. Maybe he was going mad after all. He shook his head and left the computer lab, quickly making his way back to the library.

“What took you so long?” Henry asked, placing the comic back.

“The… the line was long,” Jude said, eyes darting to the computer lab. Was it just him or was there sound coming from there? No, he was just paranoid.

Nevertheless, he grabbed Henry by the elbow and dragged him out. Henry made sounds of protest but was shushed by one of the assistants. They exited the library, and Jude picked up his backpack.

“What was that all about?” Henry asked.

Jude nervously smoothed down his hair, “It’s nothing,” He said. He forced a smile as if to prove his point. He jerked his head toward the staircase “Let’s enjoy the rest of break while we still have time.”

They started to make their way down the hallway. What happened next took them entirely by surprise.

There was a loud booming sound from behind them followed by the sound of screams. Henry and Jude whipped around. Jude lost his voice. Bright red flames moved at an abnormally fast speed across the fabrics of the library curtains. The fire roared aggressively. The alarms blared to life around the school. The principal’s voice was heard in the distance.

“This is not a fire drill. Everyone must gather on the sports field immediately. Do not to panic, and proceed calmly.”

“What about Mrs Botha?” Henry asked “And Karla, Miranda, Chris-”

“I don’t think this is our place to interfere, Henry,” Jude said, “We should leave and go to the field.”

“But… Karla’s in there,” Henry said, “Chris is a first grader!”

“We don’t have any experience,” Jude replied “There’s no point. We’ll only die, Henry. We’ll be helping nobody.”

“You’re always prepared to take a risk,” Henry said. Jude was horrified to see his friend move toward the burning library.

Even though his entire being screamed to grab Henry and run, he knew there was no stopping his friend. It was one of the things that they shared along with freckles and being shorter than most of their classmates.

Jude followed Henry reluctantly into the burning library, cursing himself for doing so. When they were inside, Jude stared around. The fire crackled on the walls and, electronic sounds came from the lab.

The lab… Jude’s eyes found the door hidden behind a burning bookcase. He didn’t see the angler-gecko anywhere. Whether it made it out already or if it died in the explosion, Jude wasn’t about to find out. He saw something else move from the corner of his eye.

While leading the other kids toward the exit, Mrs Botha stumbled away from the bookcases, a small boy in her arms. That’s when she set her eyes upon Henry and Jude.

“Move!” She shouted “Move outside! Now!”

Jude didn’t hesitate. He grabbed Henry and pulled him along, Mrs Botha following soon. The boy in her arms coughed, eyes darting around the room as they made their way out of the library. When they got out, coughing and shaking, Jude took time to see if everyone made it out. To his immense relief, they did. Karla was standing there, looking frazzled.

There were cuts on all of them, but Mrs Botha definitely took the brunt of it. She had a bruise forming over her eye, spreading to her temple and her glasses were shattered and bent. It was then that Jude realised the way she was looking at him.

Her face seemed to be filled with hatred, her glare beyond murderous. Jude knew the only reason she hadn’t tossed him off the third floor yet was she was carrying a first grader.

But the message was clear. Jude Blake was her main suspect.

“All of you — follow me to the field at once,” She said, “Before there’s another explosion that kills us.”

“Kills us?” The first grader asked.

“We’ll be fine,” Mrs Botha assured him. They headed toward the staircases, Mrs Botha telling them to form a line. Jude was relieved when they finally arrived outside of the school building, heading for the field. Every Havendale student stood there for roll call. Principle Mollow had the list and was calling out names.

That’s when he noticed them. His face turned to shock and surprise “How in heaven’s name did you get out of there alive!?” He asked.

“Long story,” Mrs Botha said, gently putting down the young boy, who stood there, shaking. A fifth-grade girl that must’ve been his sister raced toward him.

“Did everyone get out?” Mollow asked.

Mrs Botha nodded. “Continue the roll call with the others, though.” She gave Jude another dirty look before limping over to the nurse, who had a paramedic kit ready.

That’s when he heard the sound of fire truck alarms blaring. A red truck was speeding towards the school, and the sirens that followed meant there were cops as well. He looked back at the building, thinking of the strange creature. He’d observed that thing a few times before, but this was the first time it caused havoc. Actually, there were a few creatures he had seen this past week.

He’d convinced himself that it wasn’t real, but it became more and more real as time went on. The ghoul he’d seen crossing the street last week Wednesday. It had saluted him and then disappeared into thin air, right in front of him. None of his schoolmates had seen it.

Then there was last Friday when something small, fluffy and round had stolen his favourite pen. He felt pretty confident that hamsters weren’t into taking stationery. He tried to ignore it. But he was starting to wonder… maybe ignoring it wasn’t the best decision?

#ttw #the thaumaturge world #jude #jude blake #henry jones #writeblr

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markiplier-bonjur · 7 years

Text

When It All Falls Down

Summary: Everybody says high school is the worst four years of your life. No one said it carried on through college.

Pairing: Platonic!Teamiplier x Sister!Reader

Request: “Can I request a teamiplier x reader who is being bullied by a couple of class mates and the team come to comfort her while Tyler and Mark go confront the bullies, and just a whole bunch of fluff and angst” @mettatonlover858

A/N: I fell in love with this request so fast, oh my gosh! I actually wrote it with the reader being Mark’s younger sibling who is living with him and the team! I didn’t get to the confronting part, but i hope you still like it! But if you or anyone you know is being bullied, no matter how old they are, tell someone. I cannot urge you more than I am right now to speak up. You could save someone's life.

Warnings: angst, fluff, bullying, slight swearing, anxiety attack

Your motions were frantic as you scurried about the house. You kept cursing yourself for being too loud, especially since it was almost 5:30 in the morning. Opting to skip breakfast, you sling your backpack over your shoulder, scribbling a note:

“Had to leave early. Chica’s been fed. Let her outside.”

You stick it to the coffee pot. A head rubs your leg and you look down to see Chica. You smile. “Yes, I love you.” You give her a quick pet on the head and slip out the door. You didn't want to go to school. Not one bit. Mark always urged you to finish your education, but it was growing harder and harder everyday.

You were under the impression that people grew up after high school; went off to live their happy little lives; but apparently, some of your classmates didn't get the memo. They were like the four horseman of the goddamn apocalypse, sent to destroy your world. And the sad part was that they were succeeding.

Your anxiety was through the roof 24/7. Every thought you had was double and triple checked, and even then, you never spoke up. It didn't matter who you were with either.

You didn't say anything to anyone at home though. At this point, you didn't feel you were worth it. They were all leading their lives with excitement in their eyes and you were just trying to stay above water. There was no point in letting someone else drown because you couldn't hold your own.

You round the corner. It was like walking into hell with gates wide open, not inviting you in, but not keeping you there either. Any person in their right mind would probably turn and run, but more than anything - more than wasting years of education, or facing four people who treated you like trash - you feared letting Mark down.

You were the baby of the family and Mark was your number one fan. He never gave up on you. Always said you were his inspiration for everything he’s worked for. But you just didn't see it. All you saw was the things you weren't.

“The Greeks believed Aphrodite, the goddess of love, was responsible for these events, which of course, wasn't true, but rather the because of the-”

“I bet she’s sleeping with Professor Bennet just to pass.”

Don't turn around. Just keep writing.

“No wonder she’s always here so early!”

I’m okay. I’m okay.

“Excuse me, have you seen her? Talk about disgusting.”

I’m not disgusting, am I?

“I feel bad for the Fishbach family tree. Its gonna wither and die where she stands.”

Maybe I will be alone forever.

“But her brothers are totally opposite of her.”

I’m not like Tom or Mark, am I?

“Well duh, people actually like them.”

I’m nobody.

“How disappointing she must be.”

You stand up, the motion shoving the chair backwards. You leave your books where they lie as you run out, desperately trying to wipe away the tears. The lecture marches on, even the door thunks closed behind you.

You didn’t stop for anything as you ran home. You didn't care about the burn in your calves or the drumming of your heart against you skull. Only when you reached the door did you hesitate.

What if you were a disappointment? Would someone tell you? Or would they lie?

Those fears are shoved into the spotlight as the door swings open. Tyler is shouting something over his shoulder, his smile falling when he sees you on the front stoop.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” He drops Chica’s leash and pulls you inside. The playful pup nuzzles her head into your hand, perfectly content with it simply resting there. Your eyes sting as more tears make their way down your cheeks. Chica trots off into the living room.

“Y/N,” Tyler says gently, “you gotta’ talk to me. Please?” His eyes are searching yours, desperately searching for an answer.

“If you’re gonna talk the dog for a walk, that means you gotta take her-” Ethan says sarcastically; his sentence dies away upon seeing you “-with you.”

You remind yourself to breathe, but the sudden rush of oxygen makes your head spin. Tyler takes hold of your hands as they begin to shake. “Go get Mark,” he mumbles. Your windpipe seems to shrink, your breathing now short and choppy. Your knees threaten to give out. “Okay, I’m right here. We’re gonna sit down now, okay?”

You don't answer. The brunette stays eye level with you as he guides you to the floor. It was like you were staring straight through him. Everything around you seems to blur together into one movement. All of your thoughts running amongst each other, cascading into this detached emptiness swallowing you whole. There were voices, and there was silence; each one in the same. Some words ringing louder than the others.

“Y/N?”

“Okay?”

“Found her...”

“Yes...”

“Please...”

Small things came back to you. Your fingers twitched at the feeling of Chica’s fur. Pressure on your arms, nothing more than a silent, “I’m right here.” And after what felt like forever, you could see Mark kneeling in front of you. Tears threatened to spill if he so much as blinked.

“You gotta talk to me,” he whispers, his voice cracking, “please?” He brushes your hair away from your face, watching his hands as he goes.

“'m sorry,” you choke out.

Mark’s eyes snap to yours. “No, no, no. Don't be sorry, smalls.” He cradles your head in his hands. “You have done nothing wrong, okay?”

“But I haven't done anything right either,” you murmur. Your voice had no strength to it, only defeat.

“What?”

“I try s-so hard, Mark, I do. B-but I can’t seem t-to get it ri-right. I’m just a dis- a disappointment.”

Mark was crying now. “Don't you dare say that, you hear me?” He wasn't angry. He was scared. “I am never-” voice crack “-going to think of you as a disappointment. Ever.” His grip loosens. “Why would you think that?”

You give a sad smile. “After hear- hearing th-things for so l-long, you s-start to- to believe them.”

He lets head drop, pulling you against him into a hug. You bury your face into the crook of his neck, sobbing. And you stay like that; holding each other as if the other will disappear. “W-when you were born,” he mumbles, pulling away, “I promised you that I’d be the best big brother.” He takes a shaky breath. “I promised I was gonna take care of you, no matter what.”

“Mark-”

“I promised you, Y/N. And if some son of a bitch thinks they are gonna hurt you, or make you think you are a disappointment, I will do everything to show you that they are wrong.”

You smile for the first time that day, and wrap your arms around Mark’s neck, anchoring yourself in him. He sits back on his heels, holding you tightly.

“Thank you for keeping your promise,” you whisper.

He holds on tighter, pressing a kiss against your head. “Please don't scare me like that again.” He pulls away enough to hold your head in his hands again. “If you ever feel like that - even for an instant - you tell me. Or Tyler or Ethan or Amy or Kathryn. Just please,” his voice drops to a whisper, “say you’ll tell someone.”

You smile weakly. “I promise.”

#markiplier x reader #markiplier x sister!reader #ethan nestor #crankgameplays #tyler scheid x reader #teamiplier #teamiplier x reader #x reader #reader insert #bonjur writes #original #one shot

968 notes · View notes

survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

Text

Ep. 10: “Not all hero’s wear capes, some wear pajama pants and robes!” - Cody

Amy A

Everything worked out PERFECTLY. Ugh I love a good plan. Hopefully my new core 4 plus Najwah stays in power.

Olivia A

WHAT THE HELL!! Grae was my closest ally this is so disappointing. On top of everything, Aimee didn’t even vote with us!! So we’re at a 6-4 disadvantage. I don’t think anyone wants to work with us. Our last hope is finding and buying the idols and utilizing Kalle’s fake idol. I hate this.

Pedro A

woke up on the bottom...and thinking i was going home...guess what...im still here ahahahhahahahahahahhhaahhah...yall though...kalle is my guardian angel ...like if it wasnt for that girlll i would be out

ben kessler

Wednesday, July 29th, immediately after the tribal grae got voted out: heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh

Aimee

I had a long day and now Grae is gone. I’m honestly crying. Jay asked if I was okay and the river of tears just started flowing. I only knew Grae for a short while and really wanted to get to know them more. They brought such a beautiful, fun and loving energy to this game. Grae, I really am going to miss you. I’m just gonna go hug a stuff animal.

Maddison

I knew Pedro was going to play an idol. He didn’t do one single puzzle, it’s obvious he felt safe. Snakes are slithering.

Kalle N.

I truly cannot believe that our plan worked but it did and my splitting headache is totally worth it. I really feel like I deserve an Emmy or an Oscar for my performance with Maddison and Olivia after tribal but it's fine. I have absolutely no idea what comes next but boi will it be messy. I'm so sorry it had to be Grae but I didn't know what else to do. Also I hate that I'm working with Ben but don't worry I will use my chaotic energy to go against him eventually. I will now be erasing myself from the narrative and taking a break for several hours. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Najwah

OK last night's tribal was wiiiiiiild af. I think the funniest part is that this all started with me planting a seed. I told Amy L that she is at the bottom of their alliance and that I was open to working with her to get Maddison out. She spilled all the tea about Maddison having two idols and that she's been wanting to gether out for a while bc she says the same thing to everyone lmao. I think the thing that pissed Amy off is that she told her "I feel closest to you" anyway, Amy didn't respond to me immediately so I thought she wasn't on board at first so I told Cody I'd work with him and that I have the idol from Alan. Ffs. Wrong move. Cody just trust other people wit information and it's really annoying. While I love Sarah, I can't really trust her bc she's really close to Ben and Aimee - who I do not trust. Well, Aimee I am not sure about. I guess I only don't trust her because of her close Ness to Ben and Ben blatantly lies. Anyway. So Amy told me that their alliance is still trying to vote Pedro which is perfect for us coz we can still stay Hanúha strong. So at this point I realise I wouldn't have to play my super idol and Cody wouldn't have to play his extra vote. Anyway. Amy tells Kalle about the plan to get Maddison out. I send Amy a long ass message Pedro sent Zack that Zack sent me. She tells her group that Zack had sent it to her, to solidify their vote for Pedro. And then She, Kalle, Ben and Pedro form an alliance and they pull off one of the most epic blindsided. I mean, wow. Amy told me beforehand so I saw it coming and I told Cody about it too. Lmao but Ccody just can't be low key he wrote something about Maddison's two idols and he asked in the Old Hanúha group whether anyone had known about the plan lmao obviously Ben was like "no" and wtf. Ben's facial expressions at tribal was hilarious especially because I know he careful conducted this whole genius plan. I mean people still think their alliances are with their alliances and that no one has moles but there are so many layers right now and there are a few moles.

Cody just needs to shut up. Be like Ben who claims that everything he is doing is for James lmao but is in a secret alliance with the person that got James out lmao love it. I love that I can see through some of the BS right now. The only person that could fuck up my game is Cody atm but I am taking a leap of faith and trusting him. He needs to trust me too. I kept telling him to just trust the process last night and he kept freaking out. I think the realisation of Ben being a BSer got to him a bit. Also, he toldd Sarah that I spoke to Amy? Like I'm so fkn mad. Can he just shut up? Ugh that's my biggest problem right now. I LOVE CODY OMG WE SPEAK ON VIDEO CALL LIKE EVERY HOUR LMAO but I'm just scared that he is too trusting with certain people, especially at this point in the game. He also doesn't know how to be low key lmao which is kinda funny. Also, Pedro. Wev ebeen talking a lot. Pedro's friggin Greek they're speech and the vote with Grae that ended with "sorry not sorry" just. Lmao. I wish I watched this on TV. I'm sad that it happened via skype😂😂 also I am not sure how this VL confession thing works. Did I say the right things? Yall probably have all the tea already. I'm a little sad that Grae went home. She seemed genuinely nice but she was our only option because Olivia won immunity. Maddison also made us all uncomfortable coz she took the time to chat to none of the new people at merge. Like? Olivia and Grae made the effort. She just seems too safe. Too comfortable. She isn't even participating in this challenge. Is she THAT comfortable or just pissed? Who knows? Never keep to yourself like that. It makes people suspicious. Pedro does seem very smart and manipulative though and I will be weary of him. Let's go idol hunting then woohoo.

Najwah

Also I keep laughing at how ridiculously bad I am at answering questions at tribal. Omg. Embarrassing. I need like a few minutes to THINK. I always look back, and wonder why tf I said what I said. In retrospect, I'd answer last night's question with "don't we all feel like we are on the outs?" ugh. I'm so bad at it. I realise it makes me look dumb and perhaps that's not a bad thing. I don't mind looking dumb tbh. Lmao.

Cody A.

I haven’t done one of these written confessions in a while! Obviously things have been absolutely fish crazy. Idek what fish crazy means but it just came to me. And on the topic of fish... I’m pretty positive I called Maola a bunch of sharks at tribal council.

If it wasn’t for Naj last night, I would have been completely blonde sided by the vote. I had no idea what was going on, I thought the plan was to put votes on Pedro and Madison and one of them would go.

About 20 minutes before tribal naj called me and said she did not want me to feel left out of the events that were about to occur. She told me the real plan of Pedro and Madison both playing idols and Pedro casting the sole vote on Grae. Not going to lie I was scared shitless... I was so close to writing kalles name as a safety net for myself. What if Pedro would’ve cast the sole vote against me? At the very least it would’ve been a 1-1 tie between myself and kalle. I just didn’t want to be Denise’d out of this game.

Ultimately I trusted my gut which told me to just trust naj. If I had got fucked over last night, at least I would’ve went out trusting the right people. Naj also told me about a 4 person alliance between Amy, Pedro, Kalle, and BEN... My Ben!!! Smh. So moving forward I have to be very careful with the information I give and receive from Ben which sucks because I thought I could trust him more :/ Basically THANK THE LORDT FOR NAJ. Not all hero’s wear capes, some wear pajama pants and robes!

Kalle N.

So this entire time that I've worked with Ben, he always dictates our moves and every single thing I can or can't say to certain people. If I suggest something he immediately turns it down and will only do what he wants. Men are the worst. Anyways, a little bit ago after he told me what our next move is and didn't let me have any input, he suddenly said "Actually what do you want to do? You go ahead and tell me what you want". That is EXTREMELY sus and makes me think that he's just trying to make me feel better while he's secretly plotting against me. I could go along with it and just let him vote me out bc honestly I'm exhausted, or I could reveal all of the insanity that happened in the last vote to my other alliance and then expose him to his own tribe for working with me. Which would get him voted out. But that's a lot of work so I'm ngl I'm leaning towards just getting voted out myself

Aimee

I’m so glad I’m not actually on an island playing real life Survivor right now. I would constantly be in the ocean or somewhere in the bushes bawling my eyes out. And then coming back to camp like, “oh hey guys! No puffy face here, I promise! Yeah everything is peaches! Hanuha strong! Those red eyes are just from too much sun, I think I need to lay down in the shade” I’m not crying over Grae and how shitty I was to Maddison or anything, JayKay I totally am! I hate that I didn’t tell Maddison the votes were going her way. I’m not even sure why I didn’t. I’m so sorry Maddison, I really hope we can rebuild our connection and work together again. I just feel like barf and am exhausted. Trying to play this game with a full time job is tough. I hope I have the emotional fortitude to pick myself back up and put on a poker face. The last thing I need is anyone figuring out my tells and knowing what I am up to. I want to work with Ben and Maddison the most at this point. I hope I can make that work out.

Pedro A

I'm honestly scared...for the next tribal ...I feel like everyone is gonna go after me...cause apparently I'm the villan lol

Kalle N.

It's a little hard to focus on the game at the current moment bc an exciting/terrifying development may be occurring in my life in the next couple of days. I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack. We were going to try to take out Aimee so F's in the chat to pay respect. Don't know what I'll be doing. Need to go cry in the shower now.

Najwah

Sigh. It's been a very long day. I really played hard at this challenge, knowing I have a 15% DA. Do I think it's insane that someone came into the game when half the players had already been eliminated and over half the 24 hours had already passed only to NOT even try to eliminate the one person not in our alliance in there, then pretend it's all kumbaya and eliminate our alliance (who we said we won't eliminate, we made a pact?) one by one? I mean yeah it's damn insane. And not that I'm a sore loser or anything, but I wish she'd have been there when things were actually heated and when everyone else was putting in the hard work. This isn't endurance in my opinion. This is coming into a game late and reaping all the benefits. However, well done on her tactic. Love it honestly. I think she made good moves and knew when to strike and for that, of course I think she's a fkn Queen. Even though I felt as though I was so close to winning immunity, even though I tried really hard. At the end of the day, it's how you outwit and outlast your opponents. Next time I'll be sure to not read challenge rules at 4am and then try to actually understand the game properly and how I too, can make things easier for myself dammit coz I think i keep making everything so hard for myself in this game ugh. I just need one fucking WIN. Goodness I am playing so hard. Wow. Wow. Starting to wonder what panderosa is like lol must be fun. Anyway I need to sleep coz the sleep deprivation is making me feel sick af and making me paranoid about having corona.

Aimee

https://lovelyygifss.tumblr.com/post/618070044309700608/deserved-more-than-0-votesssss QUEEN SARAH!!!!!!! 👑 ♥️ This challenge proved to me so much that Sarah is in it for the long haul with me! I could tell she was never guessing for my word and I wasn’t trying hers. Team Casanova is once again coming up equal on all challenges and I love to see it! I can’t believe I got to have my Michele moment and come from behind after being hours behind in the challenge and eliminating the last three people in a row to kick down that damn puzzle! I am on such an adrenaline rush!!! After the low lows of last night this rollercoaster of game really proves you can get right back up and thrive! Haha it was so hard saying my word since I’m a pretty positive person and my word was “not.” Sarah and I never gave up in this challenge and we ended up being the last two remaining!!! I also really bonded with Najwah and Cody. That challenge was so much more than immunity it was also a great opportunity to bond with cast mates and I really capitalized on that. Even during this challenge I patched things up with Maddison too and it seems like we are back to trying to make things work with us. I feel like Grae would want that for both of us too. I went from crying my eyes out the night before to total redemption today. It was on my bucketlist to win an individual immunity and I did it on something I never knew I could win. I’m just so amped and trying to calm myself down. I’m just https://youtu.be/erG5rgNYSd Wheeler island in the sun The song I was listening to when I won immunity. 🎃🐻🌈🍑❤️💜🧡💛

Sarah

There have been so many things that have happened today... This morning Ben, Naj, and I gave Cody enough coins for him to hopefully get the idol. Cody showed me what was in the store and how there were two necklaces for $20 which was odd. He got one of the necklaces and we thought it was a real idol. Tbh we still don’t know if it’s a real idol. Cody sent a fake message to Ben and I showing that it was a “fake idol” (he got the message from Naj when she had found a fake idol). We thought it was real but when Cody found it it said “what seems to be an idol,” which makes me think someone planted a fake idol there and he did get a fake idol. I will send in more soon...

Najwah

I thought that making it to merge would be enough for me lol but somehow my goal is just to get further now. I'm at a crossroads though bc there is no one I really want to get out or back stab or whatever. Cody found a supposed idol yesterday. I told him just to tell Ben it's a fake idol and if Ben wanted to use the fake idol, he could give him my idol. Thing is, Cody is paranoid about it being a real idol or fake one that he found. I think he should just chill about it and it'll be fine. I just want Cody to be calm, I feel like without Zack's constant talking and scheming, the silence is getting to him a bit. But I quite like the silence. He thinks it means something is happening or people are plotting against him. I just think it means people are trying to sleep lol. I mean even if he was a target, he still has an idol. Ugh. Anyway it's actually a religious holiday for me today and tomorrow. So I will spend time with my husband and perhaps go to a fancy restaurant or something. I haven't felt fancy in so long and I realised everyone in this game has really seen gross, messy haired, late night Najwah lmao like I usually don't even let my friends see me this way

Najwah

It's silly trying to keep wondering who tf I can trust. I need to just go with my gut. There are a few people in the game I really like. Cody, Sarah, Amy, Pedro and Aimee. I don't know the rest and I don't trust Ben. I don't know what he's up to. He was supposed to be in some secret alliance with Kalle and Amy but he told Cody and I about them so what's really happening? Who knows? Also he keeps asking me what do I want to do who do I want out? Lmaoooooooooo.

Najwah

We had a lot of deep, crazy conversations yesterday and one of my favs were actually drooling over survivor players and realising how gay everyone is lmao. I love that. As someone who has struggled with my sexuality for most of my life, thinking I'm gay for a long time and then finding myself attracted to boys too was bizarre in the early 2000s. and being told being bisexual is a "phase" or "confusion" or that it was bc I went to an all girls school (shout out to Rhenish girls High), being in a space where everyone is really open and accepting of all this is amazing. I'm happy i live in a country where gay marriages have been legal since 2006 and ironically being trans or gay is not that big of a deal here as it is in countries way more progressive than ours. I still struggle with non binary pronouns but I am learning thanks to this game. I feel free just being who I am, whoever tf that is in this game. And for that I'm obviously very thankful. Today, I'm married to a man who appreciates my sexuality and is open to me exploring it even more. Its been a long journey and it makes me extremely happy seeing people in this game, so much younger than me and so much more sure of themselves. I'm happy that they will be spared a lot of pain and confusion. I love GenZ. I love that they just are who they are and there is no pretense. This Is so important and a luxury previous generations could only dream. Of.

Sarah

From two nights ago.... https://youtu.be/uebz8rVKNbg https://youtu.be/xQyiuiGeEpo

Olivia A

Our plan for this vote feels really ambitious but I think it’s gonna work. We’ll likely get the numbers back :)

Maddison

I’m going to have to use my advantage tonight to save my ass. Guess that’s what advantages are for, eh?

Ben Kessler

I am trying to vote kalle out. If it works, my name will be out there but it may pay off. Maddison and Olivia are definitely going for me which is fine. I need to tell Pedro 5 minutes before tribal to trust me.

Kalle N.

Maddison will use her advantage, Olivia will play my idol, the only votes that will count will be the votes we put on Cody. That's it that's the plan

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/PuZChTTJzzU

Pedro A

Okay so me olivia kalle and amy are voting cody...plus maddison will leave tribal......and olivia will play the idol kalle has....i swear if olivia votes for me...and i go HOMEEE....IM DONEE...i have a bad feeling about this tribal...im trusting the devil lol

Olivia A

Kalle has been playing double agent this whole time and told everyone about the safety without power advantage grrr what a mess

Maddison

I’m making a big move tonight and I’m not sure yet how it will pan out.

Olivia A

Kalle has been playing double agent this whole time and told everyone about the safety without power advantage grrr what a mess

Olivia A

Initially we were going to all (Maddison, Cody, Najwah, Sarah, Aimee, and I) vote Ben but we are going to switch it to Kalle because Aimee and Ben are kinda close and we want to keep Aimee as a number. I’m happy to see Kalle go after how much she has lied to Maddison and me.

Olivia A

I am SO nervous for this vote. Here is the whole plan: Maddison will play her safety without power advantage and I will play the (fake) idol that Kalle gave me. This is just so that Kalle doesn’t get tipped off that we know about her lies. Kalle believes Maddison, Amy, and I are voting for Cody and think that she is voting for him as well. In reality, Cody, Aimee, Sarah, Najwah, Amy, and I are voting for Ben. We suspect Ben, Kalle, and maybe Pedro are voting for me and expect it to work because of the fake idol that Kalle planted. I really hope this works because if people are lying then I’m definitely going home.

Ben Kessler

Dearest confessional, My life is out on the line. I am in a very vulnerable position right now and if I stay in the game tonight damage control must be done. There are many complicated plans and I work best under chaos, so these votes are hopefully good for my game overall. If kalle actually gives her idol to Olivia and we vote out kalle, maddison and Olivia and Amy will be pissed, but they do not have the numbers. I would need to do some more work to make sure I get the info that kalle is currently giving me, but it's not as bad as going farther with kalle and then losing later on. I now need to video call kalle goodbye.

#episodes

0 notes

apochem · 7 years

Text

Chapter 72 Thoughts and Analysis

Chapter 72 has blessed the beginning of 2017. I feel (mostly) whole again. Thoughts, analysis, hopes, dreams, and imaginative fabrications below the cut!

Adachitoka has finally redeemed themselves from sadists by ending this hell-hole of an arc. The best news?? Everyone gets out alive. Considering how many death flags were waved in the previous chapters, nothing short of a miracle has salvaged all of our favorite characters from death or reincarnation.

The Covenant and Imperial Regalia

As we can see from these panels, it looks as if Amaterasu is upset, even angry, that heaven was found in the wrong. Why would this be her reaction if the order for Yato’s execution was not her own? Is she afraid of how her appearance and seat of power has changed in the eyes of heaven as the result of the covenant? Or did she have another plan involved with Yato’s execution and Yukine’s imprisonment?

Unfortunately for us readers, Amy’s appearance in this arc has raised more questions than it had answered. Her demeanor was practically in direct opposition in comparison to her first appearance in the manga. In addition, her jurisdiction was found to be wrong by the covenant, which will no doubt upset the governing stratification of heaven for the future. Despite the covenant, and this monstrosity of an arc, I’m 100% certain that we have not seen the last of Amy.

Just a reminder that this covenant not only pardoned Yato, Bisha, and their vessels, but also overturned the former edict to force Ebisu to reincarnate. This covenant proved that the real sorcerer is still at large while Ebisu was wrongly convicted of holding that identity. Of course, I doubt that heaven will admit this.

Despite heaven being in the wrong, we are reminded yet again that heaven is corrupt:

It seems that even though heaven was wrong, it still refuses to admit defeat, by ways of Amy’s reincarnating regalia. Ebisu mentions that “rule-makers everywhere rig the game in their own favor,” which is interesting given that we are not sure if Amy is actually the absolute rule-maker of heaven. If a rule-maker wanted to assure complete despotism over heaven, why allow covenants in the first place? Heaven is not democratic by any means, so it seems unfitting to have a covenant in place to overthrow heaven’s judgement. Again, this begs the question of who is actually controlling heaven. Although the answer to this question may not come anytime soon, I expect it to be addressed at one point in the series.

As for Amy looking upset, I assumed it was because of heaven’s edict being overturned rather than for her shinki dying for the reason that they can reincarnate. Like @nanielavnz said in their analysis, the imperial regalia are special in that they homunculi born of objects rather than spirits that turn into objects. As the above picture depicted, the imperial regalia turn back into their physical object forms after “dying,” similar to how Tsuyu dissipated into plum blossoms after she was “beheaded.” Like the imperial regalia, Tsuyu is also a spirit derived from a physical object; as a result of this characteristic, I believe that she was able to “reincarnate” like Amy’s imperial regalia are also empowered to do.

Although I suspect that is the reason that Tsuyu was revived, she may have been brought back by Amy herself as a sort of reward for winning the covenant. I suspect the former because she may serve as an example of how the imperial regalia can “reincarnate” in a separate manner than gods. Either way, Tsuyu coming was pretty wild and unexpected to say the least.

Father and the God’s Greatest Secret

Father is--no surprise--MIA yet again. I really thought that he would interject during Amy’s edict, but I guess Tenjin beat him to the punch. I think that this arc demonstrated that Father cannot be dealt with by physical assaults. He’s too cunning, not to mention he has the deadliest weapon when it comes to dealing with deities. In order to face the sorcerer, gods must cooperate and devise a plan for addressing the god’s greatest secret. Heaven at least now knows that the sorcerer still exists, which is at least a step in the right direction.

(Lil shit bitch Nora listening in on the convo, get rekt stray)

I think we can prematurely call this arc the “God’s Greatest Secret Arc” because it will the main focus of the next few chapters as, we are painfully reminded, Yukine is undergoing liberation. The reason that we didn’t see Yukine’s past while he was in the box was probably because Hiyori wouldn’t have been able to witness it. As I have said beforehand, Hiyori is the main protagonist of the series; if she doesn’t understand what happened to Yukine in the past, how can she emotionally support him in the future? If Yukine happens to survive liberation without any assistance from Hiyori, she will become emotionally isolated from the golden trio. But it seems like Hiyori is beginning to catch onto what is happening:

Not to mention she probably overheard Yukine calling out for his father while standing in the doorway of the shed(?):

And, since she is a smart gal, probably understood the implication of gods trying to keep their distance from their shinki in order to protect them:

I have no doubt that she will be an important component in helping Yukine survive liberation, just as she was the one who helped save Yukine when he was degrading into an ayakashi.

Although we have not seen Yukine’s past yet, it seems that our assumption that it was Yukine’s father that had killed, or at least abused, him was valid:

We are starting to see the effects of liberation physically manifest within Yukine, as demonstrated by his panic attacks, vacant emotional state, and overall exhaustion:

This panel is reminiscent of PTSD. Adachitoka does an excellent job of capturing the raw fear within Yukine and the sudden, unexpected, and seemingly illogical nature of post traumatic stress disorder in people. My heart broke in this scene--this poor boy has endured so much and is no doubt going to struggle against his past in the upcoming chapters. Yato reminds the readers that Yukine does have a caring, compassionate guardian who is willing to usher him out of any painful situations:

But even the presence of supportive friends and family can’t magically erase anxiety and trauma. We are all disillusioning ourselves when we say that Yukine is fine since he was released from the box. Yukine is in no way mentally or emotionally stable, and I anticipate the next few chapters to display his suffering as he endures liberation.

God and Shinki Relationships

Unsurprisingly, Bishamon remains in a comatose state from all of her injuries. I mean, can we take a moment to appreciate Bishamon’s fucking iron will to live?? She survived not only countless injuries from heaven’s army but also an ancient spell meant for entrapping gods, shikki’s slight degradation after looking at her past, extreme blight from Kazuma, and a heaven-splitting swipe from sekki. She’s like one of those video game bosses that only power up after getting injured. I want to marry her.

Kazuma the Dumbass is back and dumber than ever!!!!!! Instead of staying by Bishamon’s side and communicating his feelings to her like he should have learned the last time Bisha almost died, homeboy went on a soul-searching journey to bumblefuck. Seriously though, I think, “Oh, here’s an opportunity for Kazuma and Bishamon to demonstrate what 2000+ years and first-hand experience has contributed to the strength of their relationship” and then Kazuma fucks it up. What does he think he’s going to do on his own?? Bisha still owns his ass and most of heaven hates him anyway. I expect Bishamon to wake up in the next chapter only to find Kazuma missing. I honestly have no idea what Kazuma is up to, but I predict that Adachitoka will at least touch upon it either next chapter or the one after that. Kazuma will probably be absent while Yukine is struggling with liberation--I think this point in the series truly marks the divergence of student from teacher. Yukine and Kazuma have chosen (not necessarily voluntarily) their own paths and will endure separate experiences that will (hopefully) help them grow as hafuri.

As many of you know, I love Nana so freaking much and I am SO glad that it looks like she’ll be a reoccurring character within the series. Despite this good news, my heart has officially broken for my hafuri daughter in this chapter. She lived for countless years in a cramped little box under the heart-wrenching assumption that her master was gone from the world and that she would never see his face again. She agreed to assist Bisha only under the condition that she may die afterward, that she may be granted freedom from the memory of her former master and pseudo-father.

But Nana had lived and unfortunately encountered an even greater tragedy: the fact that her master not only lives but has forgotten who she ever was (I WAS RIGHT). His appearance must have raised the last few shreds of hope that she clung to, only to have them ripped from her yet again. Her former master’s appearance will forever remind her of what she lost and can never regain.

Not only does Nana’s former master live but also he never rescued Nana from her prison. It must hurt to know that the man you once called father had utterly abandoned you.

In addition to that, Nana has no hope of returning to serve her master in any way. We have finally received an explanation behind Kuin’s cryptic “Once a hafuri is lost, it cannot be regained”: once a shinki has been released, the same master cannot rename it (it’s a good thing that Bisha didn’t actually release Kazuma that one time lol).

I want to hug my poor hafuri daughter and tell her that everything will be ok. Adachitoka may use the mutual experience of having a father figure abandon them as a way to allow Yukine and Nana to connect to one another. If you have read one of my previous posts, you will know that I will sell my kidney to have Nana and Yukine rely on one another as sources of strength, comfort, and friendship.

It seems like Nana can also anticipate some drop-by visits from heaven in the future. Arahabaki states that though Nana has been pardoned from the treason she enacted with Bishamon, heaven is not willing to overlook her previous crime. Nana’s bell probably serves as a monitor for heaven. If the bell had been broken, heaven probably had no other way to let Nana survive under the punishment of her previous crime while being pardoned for her most recent one. Therefore, heaven would have executed her.

Interesting Tidbit

My brain thinks everything is either a conspiracy theory or has hidden meaning, so I was up at 2 am looking at the symbolism for the bird that Yukine followed into the shed.

Based on its appearance, it seems to be a sparrow. A Tsubame, or barn swallow, is known to portend bad luck from the gods or deities (bad luck from father, aka liberation?). A Suzume, or regular sparrow, sometimes symbolizes loyalty (common motif with Yukine). Anyway, there is a Japanese folklore about the “Tongue-Cut Sparrow.” Although the story seems to place a heavy emphasis on the value of friendship, it seems to have no relation to Noragami, but I thought I’d share: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shita-kiri_Suzume

Sparrows are hella common in Japan so I may be reading into this waaayyyyy too much but I wanted to provide the info anyway.

In Conclusion

This was a hella long analysis

Thank you so so so so so much for reading my craziness

You know I’m always down 24/7 to discuss Noragami theories

I honestly cannot wait to see more of Nana banana

I am terrified for Yukine but let’s just pretend he is ok for now

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This chapter is the calm before the storm

Kuraha is a cute lil kitty in this panel

#noragami #noragami spoilers #noragami manga #yato #bishamon #Kazuma the Dumbass™#nana #yukine #hiyori #amy #tenjin #tsuyu #adachitoka pls don't hurt us

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makesureee · 7 years

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1-150 plz ty~~

omg holy shit that’s a lot and i’m on adderall this will be fun omg yay

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?some bitch ass bitch who’s dead to me

2. Are you outgoing or shy?DEFINITELY shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?any three of my friends, whenever they happen to hit me up, my dog, and my fUTURE GIRLFRIEND WHERE ARE YOU

4. Are you easy to get along with?it depends how well you know me i suppose but i am generally kind, or at least i try to be

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i do not like anyone so i just get drunk by myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?i reallyyyyy love masculine looking girls (could be short hair, shaved hair, tats, piercings, just an all around “gay” look, which is kinda funny for a straight guy XD) but i ALSO LOVE feminine girls fat girls skinny girls just…..GIRLSbut as far as finding people attractive even tho i’m straight boys can be hecka cute too and i typically find myself finding the more feminine looking bois cuteand as for anyone nonbinary or genderqueer it’s pretty much the same

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?no but boy i sure hope so

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?fuck heteronormativity but uh no one really. i don’t like anyone. if you mean literally in general then i’m waiting for my friend to hit me up so we can smoke XD

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yeah but not for reasons you’d think

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?no fuckin idea

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“well i also gotta head back to my house so you’re good” cause my friend needed some time to get weed and food before i head over

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Sad Clown - Kate MicucciPick a suburb, find a culdesac - Amy Bruce Spaceshowstraight kids playing dress up - the official suckersGot High and Still Got No Friends - Shelf LifeOld Maid Cards - Kate Micucci

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?only if it’s someone i’m really really really comfortable with

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?nope. i believe in coincidence and probability

15. What good thing happened this summer?nothing honestly

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?fUCK to the NO

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?um…definitely?? without a doubt??? we’re so small we’re so small we could just instantaneously die any second bruh we’re dust in the breeze this question gave me another existential crisis i want a refund

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?lol no

19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to but now it’s just like……im hot and sweaty and can’t breathe why is the air so wet……

20. Do you like your neighbors?i don’t know my neighbors but i like them because their christmas lights are aesthetic and ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS just has like 20 FUCKIN DUCKS chilling in their front yard. they’re like 3 houses down across the street but if i leave my window open sometimes i can hear them having a good time

21. What are you bad habits?drug dependency/addictive tendencies

22. Where would you like to travel?i wanna go back to italy. spain would be nice. idk. like……the earth has so many places…..

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i’m very forgiving and it sucks

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?drugs!

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?how in the world do i pick

26. What do you do when you wake up?roll a blunt…and smoke it

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?that question is complicated. i’m white, so ideally (in this corrupt awful world), it’s the most advantageous so i wouldn’t change as to have better opportunities and less judgement. however, hOLY SHIT ALL THE COLORS OF THE PEOPLE ARE SO COOL AND BEING WHITE LOOKS SO BOORRINGG so if we lived in a hypothetical world where every ethnicity was held at an equal standard yes a darker skin color would be cool

28. Who are you most comfortable around?nobody really. i’m not emotionally close to anyone right now

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?no but one relationship i ended and the other party did not want it to end

30. Do you ever want to get married?marriage doesn’t really matter to me. just a certificate. if it can help with taxes and whatever, sure, as long as i can remain the important parts of my independence. but imo i don’t even think that marriage should give people tax benefits but you take what good things the fucked up world gives ya

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? LOL YES BUT I’D LOOK RIDICULOUS

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?michonne from the walking dead is super attractive and i can’t really think of anyone else but i probably would not have a threesome with celebrities that’s too much pressure

33. Spell your name with your chin.samkel (THAT WAS CLOSE)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?ew

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV but like does netflix count

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?not really i have this ability to not like people unless i’m almost certain they like me and terminate all feelings for a person if rejected. i mean like, i liked someone in high school once and dropped hardcore hints but never outright said it so killed my feelings and they actually told me recently that they used to have a crush on me too XDD funny ass shit

37. What do you say during awkward silences?“i’m gonna play some music”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?cute funny stoner who loves and accepts me for who i am and supports me and helps me grow and does pills with me and loves all my new favorite music i show her and WITH LIKE A ONE IN BILLION CHANCE i’d like her to be shorter than me cause i’m really short and that’s really killer on my self esteem….but like….if we were both super short imagine how cute that’d be…..we’d be like ruby and sapphire….we’d get made fun of and be the smol couple but we would be smol together

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?my local headshops lolol

40. What do you want to do after high school?i’m already after high school but ultimately i want to be a glassblower and make bongs and shit

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?i don’t believe in blanket statements (lol that in itself is a blanket statement)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i’m awkward or anxious and don’t know what to say because i don’t know how to be a person

43. Do you smile at strangers?sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?NEITHER IF I AM NOT GUARANTEED TO SURVIVE but space even though i would still have massive panic attacks with that guarantee like i can’t even be on a road i don’t know by myself without having an anxiety attack

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the hope that one day i’ll have something that makes me feel less empty

46. What are you paranoid about?holy shit EVERYTHING everyone hates me and i’m a disappointment to my parents and i’m super unattractive and everyone that sees me judges me and like these are straight up facts yo

47. Have you ever been high?i’m high right now

48. Have you ever been drunk?i’m drunk right now. just kidding on that one. i kinda used to be an alcoholic but i traded it in for pot lol. best decision ever. worst financial decision ever tho

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i put 12 shucks of corn up my asshole

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?black. almost everything i wear is black when will i not act like im in high school

51. Ever wished you were someone else?only always

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?confidential

53. Favourite makeup brand?none i ent wear makeup

54. Favourite store?i’m not a shopping person so i’d again have to go with my local headshop

55. Favourite blog?i cannot choose

56. Favourite colour?black

57. Favourite food?also cannot choose

58. Last thing you ate?i have no idea i haven’t eaten today

59. First thing you ate this morning?i have no idea i literally have not eaten today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?you bitches better wATCH oUT cause this guy got SECOND PLACE in his THIRD GRADE SCIENCE FAIR for a poster board about EVAPORATIONand eh i think i won an art show award or two in high school

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?no i never even skipped class in high school cause with attendance you get exemption rights from exams~ now that i’m in college i skip occasionally tho lol

62. Been arrested? For what?dear god no i’d have a panic attack so hard i think the cop would feel bad for me

63. Ever been in love?yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?ugh ew ok so like i was bi at the time and so was he (but i wasn’t into this guy at all) but so anyway it’s after school and we’re behind it with our friends and we start walking away and he pulls me aside and the friends keep walking and his face kept getting closer to mine and in my head i’m just like dude…..why you….getting closer….that’s close….what…..oh….okay. that’s. lips. okay. it was like a gross quick kiss and then like when we talked about it and i rejected him hE WENT AND TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS THAT HE REJECTED ME. luckily a friend i used to have and/or fuck jumped in while i wasn’t present and defended me cause that’s some straight bullshit.

65. Are you hungry right now?nah i’m on adderall

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?eh nah only because it’s harder to form a bond. not that i have strong bonds with my irl friends but we communicate more and smoke together

67. Facebook or Twitter?neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?no

70. Names of your bestfriends?lexi is me only best friend but even we aren’t suuuper close anymore

71. Craving something? What?fulfillment and happiness and a girlfriend

72. What colour are your towels?green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?bruh…….9 ok but 2 are for my dog when she isn’t sleeping next to me on my pillows

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?nah but i use my dog as a cuddle buddy. if she doesn’t wanna cuddle we just hold hands

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?i probably have a good bit lying around my room. idk maybe like 5-8 somewhere in a drawer or whatever

75. Favourite animal?cliche as fuck but like….dogs i love dogs i love themi illove them so much i lvoe dogs

76. What colour is your underwear?currently grey with black stripes lol

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla for sure

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?oreo!

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?black XD

80. What colour pants?BLACK

81. Favourite tv show?black. nah probably adventure time or rick and morty

82. Favourite movie?i don’t like movies that much

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?have seen neither

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?nope?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?who

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today?my adderall buddy. she texted me like the second i woke up some how

88. Last person you talked to today?she literally just texted me as i was writing that out soooo

89. Name a person you hate?i aint no snitch

90. Name a person you love?lexi cause that’s positive

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself

92. In a fight with someone?never been, never want

93. How many sweatpants do you have?one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?i had one but as of today i have THREE

95. Last movie you watched?suicide squad and it sucked but pretty colors tho

96. Favourite actress?ent got one

97. Favourite actor?nope

98. Do you tan a lot?not at all what is the sun

99. Have any pets?two! daisy and ko bear!

100. How are you feeling?i’m feeling okay. i’ll feel better cause now my friend hit me up but i’m rushing to finish this!

101. Do you type fast?YA DAMN RIGHT I DO I GOTTA FINISH THIS

102. Do you regret anything from your past?i regret like almost everything?

103. Can you spell well?the answer is no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?nope

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yep

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?yep

107. Have you ever been on a horse?ONCE WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT I WANNA DO IT AGAIN but i’ve been on a camel does that count

108. What should you be doing?bagging my weed and leaving the house right now

109. Is something irritating you right now?myself as always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?nope

111. Do you have trust issues?i trusted you not to repeat a question so maybe i do now

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?A STUPID ASS BITCH I REGRET IT SO MUCH i never cry in front of ANYONE before that it had been THREE YEARS since i cried in front of someone but i trust horrible people

113. What was your childhood nickname?sammy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yep. i was born in florida, live in georgia. been to a few other surrounding states but nowhere far other than abroad

115. Do you play the Wii?nah

116. Are you listening to music right now?nah the album ended

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?i don’t like soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?not really i wanna eat normal food with chopsticks tho

119. Favourite book?ew

120. Are you afraid of the dark?nah but i still get the creeps

121. Are you mean?some people seem to think so. i think so a lot of the time.

122. Is cheating ever okay?yes. i don’t do blanket statements

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?dear god no i avoid super messes but pretty much do whatever

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?fuck no

125. Do you believe in true love?i believe that love can be true but i do not believe that one single individual is your “soul mate” or “perfect match” or whatever. there are potentially thousands of people that you could fall madly in love with and it’s just probability and coincidence that allow you to collide with them

126. Are you currently bored?with my life yeah

127. What makes you happy?drugs and friends and dogs

128. Would you change your name?i have and it’s awesome now

129. What your zodiac sign?taurus

130. Do you like subway?never ridden one

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?heteronormative again and i don’t have a best friend but the only two female friends i have i would not have sex with, although me and one of them make cute jokes about dating and romance all the time

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?BRUH STOP REPEATING

133. Favourite lyrics right now?“you tell me all the reasons you hate meand it feels like you’re listing off the symptoms of a borderline personalityand I know I am not tetheredto all the behaviors or the thoughtsI know one day I could rise above it allbut for now my illness makes people think I really suckand I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up”- Don’t Blame Yourself by Human Kitten

i relate hella cause i’m pretty sure i have bpd and i can’t afford health insurance so i’m just kinda here

134. Can you count to one million?fuck no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?i never remember shit. that’s seriously not a lie i don’t remember

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?my door is always closed unless i’m home alone but eVEN THEN it’s closed if i’m sleeping

137. How tall are you?ew 5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?mine? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette

140. Summer or Winter?winter

141. Night or Day?both or in between

142. Favourite month?october or december. i like the october vibe but like the december $$$$$

143. Are you a vegetarian?nooope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk

145. Tea or Coffee?green tea with mint please!

146. Was today a good day?it was not terrible. first day of the new quarter. worked my ass off but made some money. aboutta go smoke. it’s been alright

147. Mars or Snickers?neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?too many good quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts?nope i believe in science and facts homie g

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“While some people will argue that this (A) may not exist or (B) is certainly not part of our physical forms, I’m going to go ahead and boldly state that consciousness (at the very least) is an irrefutable part of the human experience.” no shit that was Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen

#thanks for the fun!!!!#ily #<3333 #anon #anonymous #answered

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