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tworoadsandapenny · 10 months

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What You Wish For: Chapter 15. Raph

It's all the title. This one is all about Raph. Which means I thoroughly enjoyed writing it.

Lots of blood in this one. You have been warned.

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“RAPH!”

His voice tears through the ire, bringing me back to the here and now. I catch a glimpse of my right arm gushing blood and basically useless, and try to thin the haze from my mind while I gather my surroundings.

The pause was clearly the opening my opponent had been waiting for. I see it coming in my periphery, but with my right arm as it is, I’m too slow to stop it.

The blade sinks deep. I can feel it digging around near my liver. But as I’m waiting for the final blow, my mind clears enough to notice it’s Hun’s only weapon. And his right eye is covered in blood and probably not working so good.

Blue bandana tails whip past me on my left, and I hear him whisper.

“—the right moment.”

My lip curls up in a grin as blood pours down my leg. Hun looks at me like I’m a madman, which only makes my smile broader.

It’s in the details, right Big Bro?

I clamp my hand on his wrist like a pit bull to a bone, pulling him closer—the blade digs deeper into my innards, but I needed to close the distance—and make sure his face is mere inches from mine before I talk.

“You lose.”

By the time his blood soaked eye catches what’s happening, my sai is so deep in his skull, I can almost see it popping out the other end. It takes a moment, like his brain was trying to understand what just happened, before his eyes close and his body crumples to the floor like a broken marionette.

Year and years I’ve wanted to sink my sai into that bastards skull. Hot damn did that feel good!

I use the adrenaline from my kill to pull the blade from my side—as carefully as possible, because I know Don’s gonna freak out as it is—and I stand over the body. His brain is leaking blood all over the floor and I know for damn sure he’s not getting up again. But still. I can’t help myself. My rage is not quelled. My thirst for vengeance still demands more.

I pry my sai from his rotting brain and lord it over his bleeding corpse, right over his enlarged chest. My hands are trembling with rage. “This,” I say with venom dripping from every syllable. “This is for my brother.” And I drive the blade deep into his heart. Deeper. Until my hand is nearly inside his ribcage.

“Leo!” I reach a hand down to the one he’s covering his wound with, pulling it away slightly so I can take a look and see how bad.

He’s been shot. Leo’s been shot.

I pull my weapon free only to plunge it back into his chest with just as much fury. More.

His chest ain’t moving. I can’t hear his breath anymore. He looks so peaceful…

Again and again and again, I stab him in a frenzy as my ire pours out in a loud and building scream.

And suddenly I can’t feel anything anymore.

My body goes numb, my brain shuts down, and all I can do is sit there, staring at my big brother, waiting for my heart to rip out of my chest.

Finally. It’s done.

I stare at the body, my hands covered in as much blood as his chest, and I know with certainty that the man who orchestrated my brother’s death is finally eradicated from existence. As he should be. As he deserved.

But the pain in my chest is still there.

It still hurts. As much as it did three months ago. As much as it did when I watched him take in his last breath.

As much as it did when I realized my dumb, worthless ass, had gotten my brother killed.

A sudden dizzy spell brings me out of my stupor, and my eyes dart around the room in a panic. My family. They’re here, I saw them. The explosion… I heard more Dragons being thrown about on that side of the warehouse, which means someone is over there. I need to go look. To find them. To protect them. To keep them from leaving me like he did…

What if I just got them all killed? What if they’re all…

I sink to my knees without realizing, my body feeling heavier every second. There’s a pain in my side now too, and it takes a moment for me to remember I’ve been hurt. My hand goes to cover the wound immediately.

“Pressure.”

He whispers in my ear. I do as he says. I haven’t the heart to argue anymore. I want to do what he says. I want to hear him bark orders.

“Keep pressure. Stop the bleeding.”

I want him to be here. With me.

“Keep them bright eyes open. If you pass out, I can’t give you CPR.”

I can’t help but crack a smile. I still can’t see him, but I feel him sitting next to me, his hand over mine as he helps me keep the pressure on. “Duly noted.” I say before spitting a hock of blood from my airways.

The room’s gettin’ mighty fuzzy. I feel myself list to one side, but when I go to catch myself Leo stops me, holding his hand over mine to keep the blood at bay.

“If I leave, you bleed out.”

I’m about to reply with my own wit when I hit the floor. Right… I was falling. But his hand’s still on my side. Still helping keep me here. Keep me safe.

Always.

“Leo…” I still can’t see him. I keep looking for that blue bandana and those fretting eyes, but they're not anywhere in the room. Everything’s starting to go dark. My family… where are my—

I feel his hand though.

“Leo…”

“It’s okay, dude, we got you.”

That’s not Leo’s voice. Still familiar. Still comforting. But not Leo.

I know that voice. “Mi—“ I’m suddenly coughing, the familiar taste of bile and copper mixing in my mouth. But I gotta be sure. They’re here. They’re okay. “Mikey?”

“I’m here!” He sounds desperate. “I’m here, just squeeze my hand if you can’t see me.”

I hadn’t even noticed his hand was in mine. Gripping tightly. I think. Can’t feel it. Can’t feel much. But I can hear just fine, and his terror rings out clear as a bell.

I’ve scared him. Again.

It’s always me. The big screwup…

“You’re not.”

Blue flickers at the edges of my vision. Just beyond the dark. Just out of sight. Just… barely…

“You’re a much better person than you think you are.”

I don’t know if it’s what he’s saying or the fact that I still can’t find him, but I start to panic, coughing as I try and sit up. He’s here. I need to find him. See him. Just once. “C-Come back!” I’m spittin’ blood, and I know I shouldn’t move, there’s a voice saying I shouldn’t move, but I have to. I have to find him!

“You still don’t get it.”

It’s driving me crazy the way he keeps saying that! “Get what!?”

But it’s not Leo that answers.

“Get out of here. Casey and Sensei can only hold them off for so long.”

Don. He’s safe too.

“I won’t lose another brother to your temper!”

Don knows. He knows the truth. Knows what I am. The thought is another knife in my chest. I try to find his eyes, but they’re focused on something in my side. My wound? Am I still bleeding? Can’t feel it anymore…

I need to—I should say something. Don and Mike, they don’t deserve this. Don’t deserve me. My brain ain’t workin’ right and my lips feel as numb as my hands, but I need to tell them. It takes a good solid effort—damn I’m gettin’ tired—but I finally manage to clear the blood from my throat so I can speak.

“Don…”

I sound pathetic. Weak. And I don’t get past the name before my strength fades again. But I need them to know. Should have said it before. Should have told them all the time. Should have…

Shouldn’t have said it. Shouldn’t have shouted.

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

Dammit. I can’t make my mouth work. I don’t know if it’s because I’m bleedin’ out or because I’m so damn bad at telling them how much I care, but I can’t do it.

Gotta try again. “D-Don…”

My eyes finally manage to focus a little, and I can see Don and Mikey trying to stand me up, Mike taking point with his nunchaku out and spinning, and Don beside me with my arm over his shoulder, trying to drag my ass through the warehouse.

There are tears running down his cheeks.

Dammit.

“Just save your strength, Raph. We can talk after we get you fixed up, okay? After we’re home and safe.”

“Save the lecture for after we get home.”

The thought suddenly strikes me that I might not make it home. I’ve been thinking it all night, but just now it really sinks in. Becomes real. Maybe it’s because I can feel it happening. I can feel myself going. The darkness at the edge of my vision keeps growing and I know this is it.

I slide my eyes over to peak at Mikey who’s whipping his weapon in an unsuspecting Dragon’s face. Makes me proud, I gotta admit.

Dammit.

A sudden chill runs down my body as the cold hand of dread snakes through my veins. I can’t… I can’t leave ‘em. But I don’t think I got a choice in the matter anymore. Can’t feel. Can’t think. Can barely keep my eyes open. Thoughts are draining through my mind like a sieve and I can barely tell if my feet are under me anymore.

I think… I think I’m leaving…

Dammit!

If only I hadn’t gone out on my own.

“You shouldn’t have left.”

It’s always me. I’m always the one screwing it all up. If only I’d stayed.

“Because you took off! And I didn’t want you out here fighting alone.”

If only I’d listened.

“We’re going back. Now.”

Why didn’t I listen?

“We’re a team Raph. We need to stick together.”

If only…

“RAPH!”

If only Leo was—

“Still here.”

My eyes snap open—when did I close them?—and the room’s gone. Everything’s disappeared and I’m standing in the middle of this endless white. I can hear Mike and Don shouting frantically around me, but I can’t see them anymore.

It feels like I should be panicking, but there’s something about this place that soothes my frayed nerves in a way that’s almost… familiar.

And then he steps forward. Blue bandana flitting behind his head, one katana upon his back, and a knowing smile across his face.

Not a vision. Not a figment or an apparition. It’s really him. In the flesh.

“…Leo?”

I hear him chuckle at how tentative my voice is.

“Hey Raph.”

It’s his voice. Really his. He’s here, speaking to me. Staring at me. And suddenly I can’t breathe.

“Still getting into trouble, I see.”

He looks at me like he’s waiting for a response, but I can’t give one. I can’t remember how to make my lungs work. He just smiles and walks towards me, eyes bright and almost dancing behind that blue bandana of his. I look him over as he walks and… and there’s no more… no more blood. His stomach is fine, his plastron fully intact, not a drop of red anywhere to be seen.

He’s suddenly right in front of me and I know if I could move I’d be doing something embarrassing like hugging him or something. But I can’t. Can. Not. Move.

If I move he might…

I close my eyes to try and find some semblance of balance when I feel a tight embrace. I feel his breath against my head, feel his heart beating against my chest.

“I’m here.”

I don’t know what happened. Something in me snaps, I can feel the break as it gives way. And suddenly there’s water streaking down my face as my arms shoot around my brother’s shell.

He’s here. Just like he said he’d be.

There are no words… I can’t…

His hand comes up to my neck, holding me there for a moment, when I hear him sniffle. I pull away quickly to see tears streaking down his cheeks.

I ain’t ever seen Leo cry before.

He must have understood the dumb look on my face because he just smiles wide at me and wipes the streaks away.

“I’ve missed you.”

His words strike a chord somewhere deep in my chest. I want to reply, but I… I got nothin’. I just stare at him, wondering when the dream is gonna end and trying not to grip his arms too tight. I watch as he looks me up and down like he always did when he was checking for wounds or injuries I wasn’t coppin’ to.

Finally he clamps my shoulder with his hand—warm and firm and not a spec of blood on it—and gives me a bit of a shake.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

Before I can even bat an eyelash in protest he’s pointing past my shoulder. I turn and see Mike and Don, almost faded behind this veil of white, like a movie screen with the brightness level way too high. They’re kneeling beside something on the ground that looks like it’s covered in—

Wait… is that…me?

I look from the body to my hands and back at least four times before I finally find my voice. “…Am I—“

“—dead?” Leo shakes his head humorously. “No, not yet. But you don’t have much time.”

My mind is reeling. I can’t seem to find purchase on anything he says. I’m still standing there, probably looking as confused as I feel, when he walks past me to stare at Mike and Don, a familiar twinge to his eyes.

Fondness and worry. Or “Forry” as Mike had dubbed it at one point. I just knew it as the “Leo look”.

He watches quietly, his eyes moving from one brother to the other like he’s trying to drink in every detail before they disappear. Suddenly Sensei is there beside them, his hand on—I guess that would be my head?—and Leo’s face shifts to something that looks awfully close to shame. He holds up his hand, like he’s going to reach out and touch the picture of our father, before pulling it back and closing his eyes.

I don’t think I’m breathing. I’m just watching him in silence, studying every inch of his face while my heart thumps so heavily in my chest, I’m surprised it hasn’t burst through my plastron yet.

“They’re in so much pain��”

The way he speaks… it’s like daggers. Thin needles, poking just deep enough to pierce the nerve and flare with pain. He sounds tormented. Hurt. And the scariest part is he’s not trying to hide it.

“Leo…” His name croaks out like I’ve just swallowed a cigar, but as I’m about to try again, he’s speaking. Low and calm and unjudgemental.

His back in still to me. Still facing our brothers. Our family.

“If you wanted to live, you’d already be fighting your way back to them. It would be close, but you could make it. We both know you could. But you’re not fighting. You’re here.”

Wait… what? Was he saying I’m choosing to die? That’s not—

“Are you?”

An ire burns in my stomach that makes me want to shout in his face for even suggesting something so stupid. But it dies the moment I realize the pain in my chest is gone. For the first time in three months I don’t feel like someone is staking my heart with a hot rod-iron.

I… I want to be here. With my brother. With Leo. I don’t want to leave him.

“I…” But the words won’t come. Everything clogs at the back of my throat as I turn to stare at my family—Casey standing over me with his hands in fists and blood on his knuckles, Sensei stroking my head and whispering like he’s trying to coax me to wake up, Mikey clutching my hand like it’s tethering him to sanity, and Don working frantically to patch me up while I bleed all over the roof—and I can feel my fingers curling into my palm.

DAMMIT.

“I can’t. I can’t leave them.”

I know it’s cowardly, but I keep my eyes on the ground ‘cause I know if I look up—if I see his face all sad and worried and filled with shame and telling me he misses me—I’m going to lose it. I’m going to give in. I’m gonna stay by his side and refuse to leave, consequences be damned.

I think my whole body is shaking as I stand there. I’m barely holding it together when I feel his hand on my shoulder. Don’t Leo… just don’t…

“Thank God.”

I can’t help but look up in my surprise and he’s standing there in front of me, a big wide smile on his face and something glinting in his eyes that makes my bones ache I’ve missed it so much.

Pride.

He wants me to go.

“They need you.”

I don’t mean to scoff, but I can’t help it. I know he’s trying to be nice and all, but we both know the truth. Know it all too well…

He’s suddenly got his arm around my shoulder, turning me to face our family. The white haze that separates us has grown thicker to the point that I can barely see them, but I still make out the general shapes. They’re at the lair now, in Don’s medical bay. Don’s standing over me as April—when did she get there?—hands him bandages and Casey watches from a distance. Mikey’s still holding my hand for dear life, tears falling on my skin as he sits beside me with Sensei’s arm draped over his shoulder.

The fear is so thick I can taste it.

“They need you, Raph.”

I want to believe him. I do. I know my family would miss me.

They shouldn’t. Not after I—

Casey would throw a fit. Mikey would cry. Don would wall himself away.

They should be thankful. I only cause trouble. I never listen. If I’d listened, Leo would still be—

April would square her shoulders and bare it for everyone’s sake. And Sensei would be left to pick up the pieces.

I didn’t mean to. I didn’t. I didn’t mean what I said. I swear. Leo, I swear I didn’t—

“Raph.”

His hand’s on my shoulder again, squeezing to get my attention. I just stare at him. Stare at his blue bandana. Stare at his green skin. Stare at those eyes that never stop worrying.

“I don’t need your orders.”

Not hurt or angry.

“I don’t need your leadership.”

Why aren’t they angry? They should be. I deserve it.

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

What have I done?

I fall to my knees, my muscles all failing from the anguish now charging through me. How could I? Why did I want to hurt him so badly? He was just being protective big brother. Just being Leo. How could I… I…

I was just being me.

Just being…

Just let me be. Let me stay here. Let me stay with him.

“NO!”

His voice is almost shrill with fear, so much so it startles me into looking at him. He grabs my other shoulder so tightly, I nearly wince at the pressure.

“You can’t stay. You can’t. Please. I can’t stop you—I can’t make you go—but you have to! You have to!”

I’m still trying to form my reply when he takes me by the back of the head and touches his forehead to mine. I fall silent, leaning into the touch more than I ever have before.

“Please Raph, you have to understand. I want you here. I do. I want you to stay with me. I miss you more than I can…” He pauses, and I can hear the brokenness in his voice being forced to the back. “But they need you. You have to go back to them. Please. Please.”

I almost didn’t hear what he was saying ‘cause I’m so focused on the touch. His forehead against mine is such an unexpected comfort… I don’t want to think about anything else. I want to stay. I need to stay. I can’t leave him. Not again. Never again. I can’t—

But Mike and Don. I can’t leave them either. Can’t leave them alone to deal with everything—three months I’ve been out of it, I don’t even know how badly they’ve been hurtin’—I can’t leave ‘em. I can’t.

But Leo…

I can’t.

I…

“Raph!”

I look up and Leo’s glancing back at the picture of the others. It’s fading again, the picture washing out so much I can barely see anything. Mikey’s standing up—I think it’s Mikey—and shouting at me on the table. I ain’t seen him cry like that since the rooftop…

I must be fading. It’s now or never, I can feel it. Stay or go. Either way, I abandon a brother.

I don’t know what to do!

I know I’m of no use to them over there, Mike and Don are better off without me. But they’ll hurt… they’ll morn… and I can’t stand to see ‘em cry.

But Leo. I can’t. Leave. Leo.

He suddenly stands me up, his face hardened in resolution, looking to me as he steps aside. “Whatever you decide. I’m with you.”

I stare at the fading picture of my family huddled around me, holding my hands, shoutin’ for me to stay with ‘em, begging me to open my eyes.

And my feet don’t move.

I look to Leo—my leader, my elder, my brother—and I feel ashamed. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry!”

I can’t do it. I can’t…

And he just looks at me with those kind eyes again.

Kind and sad.

“I know.” His voice is so calm as he touches me on the shoulder. Always calm. Always in control.

I hate him.

I miss him.

I need him.

But I can’t stay.

I reach out and touch the picture of my family, a cold film—like brushing the surface of the lake out at the farmhouse—meets my hand. Suddenly there’s a pain in my chest, sharp and intense, like a blade cutting out my heart. I can’t help it, I fall to my knees clutching my torso and gasping for breath, staring at Leo.

Still here. Hasn’t left. Still here.

“It’s okay.” He whispers quietly, hand still on my shoulder as he kneels beside me. “Let me help.” He reaches out and touches the film, grabbing a handful in his fingers and tearing a chunk away. He flinches, his eyes pinching shut like they do when he’s fighting off a serious bout of pain and—

Connection. I don’t know why or how but I don’t care to ask because suddenly I can feel him. I can feel Leo. I hear his thoughts, I know his fears and desires, I feel his pain.

We’re connected. For this one brief moment I know my brother better than I ever did before. I know he’s hurting. I know he’s desperate for me to leave, to go back and protect our family.

I know he wishes more than anything that he could come with me.

The sting is intensifying with each passing second. It’s like bolts of electricity jolting from one nerve to next, setting my skin on fire. I reach out and pull at the film, tearing it away as Leo was, ripping it apart as best I can amidst the throbbing of my body.

I can see beyond the screen now. Nothing but darkness. Endless. Emtpy. And suddenly I’m terrified of it.

“Go Raph!” Leo shouts at me amidst his grunts of pain, trying his damnedest to keep this barrier at bay so I can squeeze through. “Quickly! You’re out of time!”

I know. I know! Now or never. Literally. But I look up at Leo—stare at those heavy shoulders and those eyes alight with fire and determination—and I can’t help but pause. Because I feel him. And I feel something I never thought I would in his mind.

Fear.

Afraid that I’m leaving.

Afraid that I won’t.

The pain is too much. “Leo—“

“RAPHAEL!”

Mikey. That was Mikey’s voice. Hurt and scared. I suck in as deep a breath as I can and turn to my older brother. To see him. To take him in.

One last time.

“I know you don’t need me.” He says before I can open my mouth. “You never got it, Raph.” My stomach churns. “That it’s not—“

“Leo,”

“That I need—“

“Wait,”

“Remember what I told you. That night. The last thing I said. Remember it. Please… never forget it.”

“ LEO!”

I let go.

My body slips through the barrier and the pain disappears. I’m floating in the darkness, my body practically weightless.

My eyes locked on Leo.

He lets go of the film, a huff of exhaustion blowing past his lips as he looks almost shocked that I actually made it through.

He waves at me. Smiling. Tears running down his cheeks.

My heart is in my throat as part of me is suddenly panicking, clawing to go back and bring him with me. But the other half is just as desperate to get back home. Back to Sensei. Back to Casey and April.

Back to my brothers.

My skin is tingling.

Something warm washes through my body like a breeze of hot air, warming me inside and out. It’s comforting. I try to focus on it, focus on the warmth and ignore the dread. My stomach finally starts to settle as I breathe deep.

Another pain hits me, duller than before, more like the constant ache of a sore muscle. In my stomach this time. I go to reach for it, but my hand is like lead. I suck in a breath and steady myself—just like liftin’ weights—and force my hand to move. It’s slow, shaky, but does the job. I feel around my stomach—it feels different, smoother—till I come to something soft. Gauze, if I had to guess. Must be bandaged. No doubt the result of a sleepless night for—

“Raph?”

Don. I don’t need to see him to know he’s exhausted. His voice is as tired and weary as it always is when one of us is out of commission. And if he’s here, that means Mikey must be nearby.

“Raph!”

Right on cue. I can feel the others around me stir, gathering closer. Can feel Mikey squeeze my free hand tightly (can't see, but I know it’s him).

My heart feels like it’s beatin’ out of my chest, and it’s not because of the effort it’s taking to drag air into my lungs.

I’m scared. Scared to face them. After everything that’s happened… after everything I did.

“He told you not to go!”

And they don’t even know everything. They weren’t there. They didn’t see…

I should tell them. Everything. But if I do they’ll know it was me. They’ll know it was my fault. That none of this would have happened if I’d been paying attention. And I can’t handle having them look at me like that.

“You owe us for getting our brother killed!”

It feels like there’s a cinderblock on my chest. I try to speak, to tell them what happened—I swear I do—but the words just won’t come out.

“It’s okay, bro.” Mikey’s wrapping his other hand around mine and gripping tight, his voice as steady as a rock. “You’re home and safe and that’s all that matters right now.”

Mikey and his insight, I swear. “Mike…”

“We can talk when you’re feeling better.”

I’m still trying to figure out how in the hell he knew when I’m steamrolled by a headache. I flinch as I feel exhaustion overpower my senses. Still can’t open my eyes. The fatigue is growing with each passing second, and I suddenly don’t know why I’m fighting it.

“Rest, Raphael. “

Sensei’s voice is like a breath of fresh air. It feels like I haven’t heard him talk in months. Maybe I haven’t. Can’t remember… but damn it’s good to hear it now. And he sure doesn’t have to tell me twice, I don’t think it’s a minute before my body relaxes and I’m out like a light.

Last thing I remember is Sensei placing a hand on my chest and leaning in to whisper in my ear. “Yoku nemuru, my son.”

And after three months of running, I’m finally home.

~*~*~*~*~*~ Previous < - > Next Masterpost

See, I told you we'd find comfort eventually.

Comments/Critiques are always welcome.

End of Line.

-TRAaP

#tmnt fanfiction #tworoadsandapenny #traap #tmnt #tmnt 2003 #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2012 #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #what you wish for #Raph #angst #hurt/comfort #we're finally getting to the comfort #tmnt hun

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tworoadsandapenny · 10 months

Text

What You Wish For: Chapter 9. Patience

Not much to say about this one. Just lots of angst. What else is new?

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The old cabin stairs creaked beneath his feet, his heavy footsteps weighed down by the grief on his shoulders.

Four hours. And not a word. Not a single word.

It’s not that he was expecting a long heart to heart, Casey knew better than that. He knew Raph, much like himself, would rather punch out his feelings than speak them. But when they were down—when the anger wouldn’t settle and the violence wasn’t enough—they’d always talk it out. Only with each other. Because they understood. They were of the same blood. The same mind. The same unquenchable rage.

Brothers to their core.

And it wasn’t about the words. Honestly, Casey wouldn’t be surprised if Raph didn’t speak at all for a good week. It’s just how they dealt with pain. But Raph hadn’t just been silent, he’d been absent. Entirely blank. Not angry, not vengeful, not… anything. Four hours Casey sat in that room, watching his friend glare at nothing, teeth chattering and body shivering, and not once did he look like he even knew where he was.

He was just… gone.

And Casey didn’t know what else he could do.

A few years back, when he’d found out his dad was running with the Purple Dragons, he’d clammed up too. Went on numerous violent thug-bashing sprees that would put Chuck Norris to shame. And Raph had been there through all of it. Didn’t ask questions, didn’t force him to talk it out or find less violent means of escape, just let Casey blow off steam. And two days in, Casey finally spoke. Spilled his guts to his best friend as they sat on that roof and cleaned the blood from their weapons. And all Raph said was “You need a beer.” and handed one over. And that was that.

Raph knew how to let Casey vent without feeling any… less for it. And Casey gave the same comfort in return. He knew. ‘Cause Raph would come to him anytime he was angry. Anytime he felt he’d failed or him and Leo were fighting…

Anytime.

But now…

Casey sighed as he reached the bottom of the stairs. Maybe Raph just needed more time. Maybe he needed to be alone. Maybe he needed to go out and pummel a few (hundred) drug dealers and bank robbers to work through the mess going on inside. But whatever he needed, wherever Raph was… Casey couldn’t reach him.

The thought dropped like a weight on his gut.

“Casey.”

Blinking back to reality, Casey registered Splinter’s voice and rubbed the back of his neck. “It ain’t good, Splinter. He ain’t…” Casey needed something to hit. “I got a blanket ‘round him to help warm him up, but I don’t think he’ll be eating any time soon.” Splinter’s face was impassable, but Casey could tell that wasn’t news he wanted to hear. “He needs space. Just… give him some room for a while. He’ll come around.” Eventually. Hopefully.

Without thinking about where he was going, Casey found himself in the kitchen, watching April wash dishes that looked like they were already clean. He came behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and breathed her in.

“Casey,” She let him hold her for a moment, leaning into his body and putting down her dishcloth. After listening to several long, deep sighs, she didn’t even need to ask. “That bad.”

Casey rested his temple on the crown of her head, closing his eyes and holding her closer. “Yeah.”

“He’s hurting. More than he ever has before.” April could feel Casey’s guilt radiating like a stoked fire. “He knows you’re here. That’s enough for now.”

“No, it ain’t.” The tall vigilante stepped back so April could face him, his arms still around her waist. “It’s times like this I’m supposed to know what to do. How to help. And I got nothin’.” Another sigh blew past his lips as his fists ached to curl and pound the table. What he wouldn’t give for something to throw right now. “He’s… He’s my best bud, Red. My brother. He’s been there for me through everything: all the crap my dad threw at us, everything that happened with my sister, he even snuck into a busy hospital just to visit me when Shred-head shot me a few years back.”

April nearly shuddered. “I remember…”

“He’s been there for all of it. Fightin’ with me and helping me sort through it all. And now he’s the one who needs a friend, and I… I can’t think of a single thing to do.”

April drew closer, her arms wrapping around Casey’s neck in a firm hug as she listened to him speak.

“He’s gone red. Leo’s gone. And I think he might have taken Raph with him.”

Hearing the break in Casey’s voice snapped something in April’s chest. She pulled from the hug just enough to be face to face with him, a hand to his cheek to draw his eyes to hers. “We’ll get through this, Casey. All of us. I know we will. Raph will come around eventually. Until he does, all we can do is be here and be ready to help in any way we can.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Casey cast his eyes downward. She was right, he knew it, but it didn’t feel like enough. “I just wish there was more we could do. I wish… I wish Leo…”

“I know.” April sighed, resting her head on his chest. “Me too.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Taking the sword in his hands with a feather’s touch, Splinter smoothed his hand down the length of the hilt, feeling every knick and scratch. His eyes closed of their own accord, attempting to hold in the memories threatening to send him into yet another fit of grief. He breathed deep.

“They had it on display in their base like a trophy.” Mikey’s quiet tone held no anger or resentment. Only innocent disbelief. “We tried to sneak it out, but one of the Dragons said something about Leo, and…” He glanced at Raph. “Things got out of hand.”

Raph didn’t say a word, boring a hole in the ground with his unblinking stare.

“I still don’t understand how they got it. Did we leave it on the roof?” That night had become a haze, a thick fog that Don didn’t dare enter for fear of what he’d be forced to see. Again.

Mikey felt the same way. “I can’t remember.”

All eyes landed on Raph. He was still the only one who knew what happened that night. And he still refused to talk about it.

“Raphael.”

Splinter barely got the name out before his son stood and began storming towards the door.

But Don wasn’t letting him get away that easily. He ran ahead, blocking the doorway. “Nuh-uh. You don’t get to just walk away. Not again. Not after what you did tonight.” He watched Raph’s hands curl into fists as he seethed out a breath.

“Move.”

“No.” Don could see the veins bulge from his brother’s wrists as his fingers curled tighter into his palm, but he was still unwilling to move. “You can’t keep avoiding us like this. We deserve to know what happened that night. We deserve to know how our brother died!”

Raph went rigid. “Don’t.”

But Don wouldn’t stop. “You owe us, Raph!”

Couldn’t.

“Owe you!?”

“You owe us for running off tonight!”

“I don’t owe you sh—!”

“You owe us for running off then, too!”

“Don, don’t—!” But Mikey was too late.

“You owe us for getting our brother killed!”

The words rang out in the room like a cathedral bell, hanging in the air and daring someone else to speak. He couldn’t take them back. He didn’t mean them. Did he? He couldn’t blame his brother for what happened… and yet every fibre of his being screamed he should. And Don was far too angry to listen to anything else.

Raphael hadn’t moved. His hands were balled tight, his arms flexed and poised to attack, and his shoulders were practically hunched to his ears. But he didn’t moved.

The silence only brought Don’s rage to a tipping point. Why wasn’t Raph saying anything!? Why didn’t he just tell them what happened!? Why did he have to be so damn stubborn about every—

It was quick. Blink and you would have missed it. But for a moment Don saw it. The pain. The raw, gut-wrenching, nauseating, pain. It streaked through Raph’s eyes like a flash of lightning, covered so quickly with anger that Don thought he must have been making it up.

But the way his own anger suddenly curled in on itself and died, he knew he hadn’t. Raph really was feeling all that. Potently. Constantly.

Don had never felt regret come on so strongly.

“That is enough.” Splinter finally interjected, his hope that his children would talk out their anger and restore peace being dashed with their last words. “My sons, we cannot go on like this. If we are to survive this loss, we must come together and help each other in our grief, not blame one another for it.” He handed Michelangelo the katana and placed a paw on each of his elder son’s shoulders. “Donatello,”

But Donnie was already trying to walk back his words. “I… Raph, I’m—“

An elbow to his side had Don faltering out of the doorway as Raph stormed passed him, stalking away to his room and slamming the door shut with enough force to rattle the walls of the lair.

Splinter knew it unwise to follow. He would allow his son time to calm and focus on the wounds of his younger children. “Donatello,”

“I know... I shouldn’t have…” Don blew out a remorseful sigh. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…” a sob caught in his throat and it was all he could do just to keep himself from collapsing into tears then and there. He cleared his throat. “I know it’s not his fault. It’s just… if he’d stayed with us, this never would have happened. Leo never would have had to go after him. He’d still be… He wouldn’t have…” Don closed his eyes, overwhelmed with the emotions warring over his mind.

“My son,” Both paws reached up to grasp his son’s tall shoulders, attempting to comfort, not reprimand. “Anger is an unavoidable part of grief. But you cannot let it drive you away from those who love you.”

“I…” Don stared out the door, guilt written all over his face. “…What do I do? How do I let it go?”

Splinter paused a moment before glancing at his youngest son, who remained silent in the corner with an innocent hurt on his face. Like a child caught between to warring parents. “Michelangelo. With me.” He held out his hand, waited for it to be taken, then led his son to the door.

Don watched his father walk away forlornly. “Sensei?”

“Allow yourself to feel it, my son. We will be waiting when you are ready. As long as it takes.” With that, he closed the door.

Donatello stared after them, unable to understand what his father was getting at. Feel what? What was he supposed to feel? He felt nothing. Nothing but anger and bitterness and…

He thought of Leo, his lifeless body lying prone on the roof, drenched in his own blood.

A whine bubbled at the back of his throat.

He thought of Raph, how inconsiderate and dangerous his actions were, and how he’d almost lost him tonight. How he might have just pushed him away for good.

Nausea stirred in his stomach.

He thought of Leo, the worry in his face when he’d found out Raph had left.

He held his breath to keep a sob in.

Leo, sitting by the desk, speaking words of encouragement to keep Don from giving up on his latest project.

Tears welled in his eyes.

Leo, slinging Don’s arm around his shoulders and carrying him to safety during a mission gone wrong.

He couldn’t…

Leo, knocked to the dojo floor by a new move Don had been practicing and smiling at how proud he was to see Don improving.

Keep them…

Leo, reading a book in his spot on the couch and smiling a greeting when Don walked in the room.

In.

A mournful cry ripped from hiss throat, bellowing through the room. He gripped his head, fell to his knees, and wept, all the pain and anger flowing out of him in droves.

Wept for the brother he’d lost.

Wept for the brother he’d hurt.

Wept for the family, the home, the life that would never be again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Raph…” Mikey uttered his brother’s name brokenly, his heart heavy at what had happened. As he walked towards the living room, he couldn’t help spy up to Raph’s room. “Shouldn’t we go talk to him, Sensei?”

“Give him time. Approaching your brother now would only drive him further away.”

“But… it wasn’t his fault. We don’t blame him. He should know that…”

Splinter could feel the worry twisting knots in his son’s stomach and draped an arm over his shoulders, prompting Mikey to wrap around his torso in a deep hug.

The young turtle sighed sadly, breathing in the smell of his father’s robe. “He only got hurt tonight because he was protecting me. If anything, Don should be mad at me.”

“Anger does not always follow logic, my son. Donatello’s anger runs deeper than tonight’s events.”

Mikey nodded. He understood Don’s anger… he’d felt it too when they were at the farmhouse. Felt a cruel resentment toward Raph that only faded because of a moment of pain he’d witnessed two months ago. But it was unfair. Just because Raph was the last one to see Leo alive, didn’t mean he was to blame. Mikey couldn’t help but wonder, if it’d been him with Leo on that roof—if he’d been the one to see it all happen—what would he be feeling now?

“Sensei… are we going to be okay?” What if Don never forgave Raph? What if they stayed mad at each other forever? What if Raph ran off again and Mikey wasn’t able to—

A loud anguished cry suddenly echoed through the halls. Mikey turned toward the closed med-room door. His heart was practically lurching from his chest with the desire to run and hug his brother tight. “Sensei—“

“It’s alright, my son.” Splinter stroked Mikey’s head in calming circles. “Your brother is finally allowing himself to feel his loss. We must give him time.”

The continued bellow of agony sent shivers through Mikey’s spine. “But shouldn’t we be with him? Does he have to do it alone?”

“Sometimes that is the only way pain will appear. When we are alone and unhampered by others expectations.” And as much as it pained him to be distant while hearing his son in such agony, he knew this was what Donatello needed most of all.

Permission to feel. To grieve. Away from the eyes of everyone he was so terrified of disappointing.

“But…”

“He knows we are here, Michelangelo. And when he is ready, he will seek comfort. Until then…”

“Patience and faith.” Mikey finished. He’d heard the speech before. It was practically Sensei’s motto. And while it didn’t make hearing Don cry alone any less painful, it was something to hold onto that gave him purpose. He would wait. He would hope. And he’d be ready when his brother needed him. “…What about Raph?”

Splinter closed his eyes a moment, gathering his thoughts as he tried not to let the tormented wails from the other room cloud his mind. “Raphael needs time. He is not yet ready to face his pain.”

Mikey didn’t like that answer. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

Pulling away slightly, Mikey found his father staring at him with a look that was almost… pleading. “Michelangelo,” Even his tone had changed. Mikey swallowed thickly as he listened. “Your brother is going to avoid this pain as long as he can. And in doing so, he is going to try and push away those who remind him of it. The best thing you can do for him is remain steadfast. When the anger fades and the pain sets in—and it will eventually—he is going to need you to help keep him together. To remind him he is not alone.” Splinter gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “Are you willing to do that?”

Splinter sounded almost… worried. Mikey blinked. He couldn’t believe his father even needed to ask. “Hai, Sensei.”

Anything for his brothers. Anything.

“I’ll be here.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Gusting winds had picked up outside the barn, snaking through the cracks and slivers of the old wood. Every gust creaked the boards, raising an eerie chorus of ghostly groans. Mikey shivered through his blanket. “It’s almost like a horror film. You know those ones where the teenagers get stuck in some creepy old mansion in the middle of nowhere and are picked off one-by-one by some crazy guy in a mask.” Another squeal of creaking wood echoed through the barn, but Mikey kept his eyes forward. On the black bag. Waiting for a reply. “I know, I know, you hated those movies. You’d always point out the zillion ways they could have escaped if they’d just “analyzed the situation properly”. Or list off the ninjitsu moves they could have used to defeat the enemy. Or how unrealistic the whole plot was in the first place. But you know what I think? I think you secretly enjoyed them.” He cocked his brow up to a coy perch. “Oh yeah! I know you got really into them. You even got scared by one of them! It was on my birthday four years ago when you let me pick the movie after the party, and since I’d just turned twenty-one, I wanted to prove I was old enough to watch the scariest movie of them all—The Ring, obviously—and we all got so freaked out we couldn’t watch movies for a week. I saw your face, you even closed your eyes at one point!” He paused, then nodded his head. “Yes you did.” Paused again, nodding at the bag. “Yes you did, I saw! You started whispering things under your breath to remind yourself it wasn’t real. AND you were the first one to suggest we not watch movies for a while.” Mikey shook his head, a sliver of a smile splitting his lips. “That was so not for our own good, it was because you were scared.” He waited. “Were too!”

A large gust of wind battered the barn, sending up another refrain of creaks and moans. Mikey still stared at the bag in front of him.

“That’s not the only time we’ve seen him scared.”

Mikey blinked, pulling himself from his own thoughts to look up and see Donatello finding a seat opposite him, also draped in a blanket and looking down at the black bag.

“You should drink that before it gets cold.”

A blink of confusion had Don pointing to Mikey’s right, where a steaming cup of tea sat perched beside him. When had Don put that there? Mikey nodded in acknowledgement, but didn’t touch the cup. “What else have we seen that scared him?”

“Not movies, I meant real life. Leo got scared all the time.”

“He did not. Name a time you actually saw him scared—I mean really scared—and it can’t be when we were kids.”

“When we first faced Shredder.” Mikey nearly shuddered at the memory. “He didn’t look it, but his hand trembled slightly until Sensei showed up. Or that time you nearly had your shell knocked off by Tiger Claw.”

Mikey thought a moment. “What about that time you were turned in a giant rage monster? Or when Sensei was taken over by Rat King and attacked us.”

“See, he’s been scared a lot over the years.”

“Yeah, but only for us.” Mikey’s eyes fell back to the bag. “When it came to us, he was a baby! He’d freak out any time we even came close to getting hurt on a mission. But he was never scared for himself. Or at least, never showed it…”

“He’d probably say something about a leader not being allowed to fear for himself.”

“Probably.”

The barn walls ached, moaning against the constant attacking wind. And yet Mikey couldn’t hear any of it. Could only hear the rain. The rain that had been pouring on that roof, washing away Leo’s blood. Washing away his life.

“I wonder… I wonder if he was scared on that roof…” He fidgeted with his blanket. “If he knew he was going to… going to…” A lump caught in his throat. “What if that was the last thing he felt?” His words were barely audible, whispered in fear of actually hearing an answer.

But Don heard them clear as an ear-piercing scream.

He waited for the nausea to pass, swallowing back bits of bile as he closed his eyes. “He wasn’t alone. Raph was with him.”

Mikey’s eyes drooped as he held his blanket closer to himself, knuckles gripping it tight enough to pale. “Yeah…”

Raph was with him. Raph dug the grave.

It was all thanks to…

Raph.

~*~*~*~*~*~

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I try to base most of the memories in this story on actual events from the comics and show (albeit loosely) and Casey being shot was a big event that happened right before Leo was kidnapped and brainwashed by Shredder to become a Foot soldier. It happens to be one of my favourite issues.

As always, comment if you find anything confusing, if you please.

End of Line.

-TRAaP

#tmnt #tmnt fanfiction #tworoadsandapenny #traap #tmnt 2003 #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2012 #tmnt donatello #tmnt raphael #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt splinter #tmnt april #tmnt casey jones #angst #hurt/comfort #tmnt brothers #what you wish for #patience

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