#what i Actually Wanted is fuckin gone :)

[mifhortunach]

.

#i’m a little drunk so forgive me please but #idk if it’s like.. bc i’ve been kinda down/moody anyway recently or if it’s bc i was gone for a week or bc i’ve finally picked up on it or #what - but i feel like legit kinda isolated now in work.. not in like some awful everyone deffo hates me way but in that bs olivia laing way #like it’s taken me way too long to notice that i’m not doing a good enough job making fuckn work-friends or whatever the fuck #& it’s so hard to say if that’s like. a me issue or if that’s bc fuckin almost all the people i work w are guys so i’m not a real person t #*to them!! probs fuckin both lbr - but it’s rly not helping shit yk #bc as soon as u go in knowing that ppl are talking 2 u for politeness then ur quieter so u look worse so there’s less talking etc etc etc #great fuckin stuff - ANYWAY remembered what i actually wanted to say #which was that i went to get some drinks w a friend earlier this week and god i wish i could like. this week just do ANYTHING #get properly pissed! see people & shit properly again; i miss having a proper social life and i’ve litch never had one #this is best left to be forgotten #so let’s not tag it lol - but anyway; anyone know how to make proper friends as an adult as a compulsive nonsharer & someone w/o interests!

[redhotarsenic]

I dunno I’m trying very hard to not be a sad shithead online but it’s getting increasingly difficult

#it’s like I have this really vicious creature in me that wants to tear down everything it sees and drag it to hell #that’s how sad and stressed out I am #there is also the Nothingness that is the most prevalent #you know the first time I heard a stranger actually say to my face that they believed in me I almost broke down then and there? #was around the time I was first starting at my first job #had to fuckin excuse myself to the bathroom as soon as I had the chance so I could fuckin collect myself #even then I was Fucked Up the rest of the day #first time in a long time that I actually felt like a real life person to any degree #and now that’s withered and gone and I’ve returned to blissful nonexistence #at least the torment will be over eventually though. looking forward to that day. I’m so tired #feel like I’ve lived a hundred years. can’t believe there’s more Existence I have to slog through. #I’ll try to do what good I can while I twiddle my damn thumbs and wait for the timer to tick down though. #personal

[trashbaget]

tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”

#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with #but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this #i can’t just. talk to the guy #if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that #i can barely even say hello to him #don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like #ah fuck there he is #okay you can do it just say hi #just say what’s up #and then he’s already gone #also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin #ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍 #but like. ​i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction #or like. an actual conversation. #which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or #i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what) #anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴 #i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at #least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.) #anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault #too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair #but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side #where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20 #mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡 #but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number #who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21 #his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦 #cheers to being fools universe

[sketchy-scribs-n-doods]

thinking about how someone tried to insist to me that hellcheer was 'gross and pedophilic' because they had 'a huge age gap' and i thought it was the stupidest shit i'd ever heard so-

in true Extra Ass Bitch fashion i calculated roughly what the oldest/ youngest possible ages chrissy could be and the oldest/youngest possible ages eddie could be based on canon evidence (eddie's 2 failed years, chrissy's '86 necklace, etc.) and approximate school cut off dates

anyway, this is a rough approximation (not that it particularly matters because they're both still in the same age range/stage of life so a few years isn't rly much of an issue given their canon interactions) but if anyone was curious:

eddie should have been born in '65 or '66. backwards calculation places chrissy either late '67 or early '68. eddie failed his senior year twice and was supposed to have graduated in '84, he's on his third try. chrissy is head cheerleader and wears an '86 necklace, she's a senior in '86.

the youngest Chrissy could be is about [17yrs + 7 months] assuming a birthday around August of '68

the oldest Chrissy could be is about [18yrs + 6 months] assuming a birthday of around September of '67

the youngest Eddie could be is about [19yrs + 7 months] assuming a birthday around August of '66

the oldest Eddie could be is about [20yrs + 6 months] assuming a birthday in September of '65

even in the 'worst case scenario' where eddie is the oldest he could be and chrissy is the youngest she could be, eddie is 20 and chrissy almost 18

if you go with the opposite, with chrissy being as old as possible and eddie as young as possible, then eddie is almost 20 and chrissy is over 18

the other combinations average out to a 2 year age gap, which for the record, for high schoolers is still incredibly common. again, this is a stupid argument, but i can be spitefully pedantic sometimes and i enjoy having all the possible information i can before i talk shit

and i love to talk shit. so i went to go get the data myself

anyway grace van dien once said that she thinks chrissy is a pisces and i trust her so assuming that's true then chrissy was born sometime between mid february to mid march of '66, meaning chrissy would haven just turned 18 as s4 began, while eddie is still in the 19 to 20 range depending on when you place his birthday

but all of this seems ridiculous when you realize that based on what school year they're in during s4, chrissy was a sophomore the first time eddie was a senior. so like. everything else is just being pedantic for the sake of finding smth to be mad about

either way i rest my case this is a dumb argument to use against the ship, hellcheer haters get bent just say you don't ship it and go

#hellcheers i have never gone to bat so hard for a straight ship in my life #theyre so cute together and haters picked THE stupidest thing to argue against it #when i tell u i have seen actual ppl on twitter try and say chrissy is 16 and eddie is 21 or smth 💀💀 #like. where are u receiving this information. where tf did that come from. #hellcheer #how tf do i tag this. thank god this isnt twitter lol #chrissy cunnigham is not out here getting 'groomed' by eddie wtf abuse is not 100% contingent on age gaps its about power dynamics + #+ patterns of behvaior and if you calculate what school year they'd each be in during a given year #chrissy was a sophmore when eddie failed his first senior year #i cannot stress how normal that is. i have know seniors that dated sophmores. that are married now. its a 2 to 3 year gap. cmon. #eddie munson my beloved. you do not deserve this. #chrissy cunningham mi amor you definitely do not deserve this #if anyone wants the actual fuckin chart i made to figure this out feel free to ask and i'll drop it lol #i got pics of me trying to Do Math #like if u dont ship it bc you hc eddie as gay and chrissy as a comphet lesbian and you think they'd be wlw mlm besties then just say that #if you just dont see the chemistry like. alright. just say that. #why ppl inventing the wildest reasons to justify not liking a ship asjkdllg

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

i don't wanna see anyone talking about biden v trump like the primaries have already happened

i want both of them to lose their primaries by such an embarrassingly wide margin they both curl into balls like armadillos and roll down a hill never to be seen again

#two consecutive single-term presidents lets gooooo #stirring up trouble #i'll figure out what the most effective harm reduction choice would be after the primaries but before that i want them both out of the race #gone. banished. exiled permanently. #fuckin sick of seeing people already jumping up and down like 'BUT BIDEN V TRUMP' shut the entire fuck up we aren't there yet #and treating it like an inevitability isn't helping. nor is any ideological purity sit-this-out bullshit. NOT. HELPING. #(we have had so much evidence this past political cycle of how much good voting actually can do. don't let apathy win there)

[zerodaryls]

i'm so fucking sick of seeing horrific news with zero info on what's being done to help. stop showing us all these fucking bans on trans healthcare if we can't do anything about it. point us toward organizations that are helping. share mutual aid requests from people who need help moving out of unsafe states.

the journalism industry at large is irresponsible as fuck. we know this. but holy fuck, where is the news site that's about empowering people to make things better rather than just using horrific headlines to get views and offering NO hope whatsoever?

#i swear to fucking christ i'm about one Bad News headline away from starting something myself #and i don't know jack shit about journalism #but i swear to god... if anyone wants to partner in starting a News presence #that makes a point to only share headlines with resources of what people can do to help #please fuckin message me because i swear if i have people working with me i'll fucking do it #i'm fucking sick of this shit #do you know how many times i've seen anti-trans news articles #and gone looking for resources of like. organizations to support. #SOME semblance of hope and empowerment #and found jack shit?? #google 'how to help the trans community in [conservative state]' #you won't find anything. #especially for emergency situations like what's going on in missouri #like. you can find the state's ACLU chapter. #and they'll say things like How To Be An Ally #but that's not fucking good enough #i want to see what organizations are helping people RIGHT THE FUCK NOW to relocate #i want to see what mutual aid funds are out there of trans people or families with trans kids #who desperately need to move somewhere safer #SHOW ME HOW TO HELP ACTUAL REAL LIVE PEOPLE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OR DON'T SHOW ME THE NEWS

[hauntedknightwalker]

Me, 10 yrs ago: fuck piercings, not touchin that shit

Me, 13 yrs ago: man fuck long hair, im never growing my hair out ever again

Me, 15 yrs ago: dont even try with putting nail polish on me, not fuckin happenin

Me, for as long as i can remember: man fuck these tits, i hate them, i wish they were gone!

Me, now: weeeellll....

#knight rambles #its so insane how not living w your family and being around ppl that are so gender makes you reconsider everythin you know #if i had gone with top surgery last year i dont think i wouldve regretted it per say. but i dont really regret not gettin surgery either #its really interesting to reflect back and be like 'wow my parents put unnecessary beauty standards on me and it made me hate femininity- #-on me personally for almost my entire life #but now that ive had enough time to reflect on my gender and what i WANT to be. it turns out i dont actually mind most things #the things i mentioned arent even feminine at all really #but because they were forced upon me as such. i grew to associate it as feminine and hate it #im glad im now at a point where im like 'hey maybe i DO want to paint my nails' and 'lemme grow my hair out a bit lets see how it looks' #im also planning on getting my ears pierced :3 #im me gender babey and i wanna feel awesome #i wanna enjoy things i wanna have fun and i wanna be me for once in my fuckin life

[dennisboobs]

this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.

#moots & friends keep sending me shit and im just like. lmfao this is embarrassing for YOU guys. i stand by everything ive said actually. #i'm sorry you think trying to have a genuine conversation about harmful behaviours is cringe #you consider yourself an activist and will retweet every fucking post abt current events #but you can't actually be bothered to make a positive change in your own life......... #the fact that most of them stop responding after they realize im not going to freak out and give them something emotional is very telling #it's not even like most of them disagree they literally just want to make fun of me for...... caring. like ok. weird hill to die on idk #im at the point where im considering privating my tweets just so i dont continue to get ppl responding but #i think its important that ppl can see my responses. because i stand by them and clearly other ppl do too #theres been a lot of mixed responses but a lot of people have actually ended up agreeing with me after some back and forth #which i appreciate. i didnt want to start fuckin. twitter drama. but like. ill take it #i dont interact with sunnyblr at all so i think this is a good opportunity to potentially change at least a few ppls perspectives #and if youre too far gone to the point where you think that someone caring about perpetuating homophobic rhetoric is funny #i. dont really want to interact with you anyway lol. get better soon xoxo #last post about this on here im. putting this to rest. #ada speaks #genuinely disgusting how many of these ppl will say shit like. ppl are dying. like... yeah. what are YOU doing to help. #retweeting a donation link or someones random carrd doesnt do shit actually. performative armchair activism. #same ppl tweeting vapid shit while acting like theyre above engaging with me on this #i was venting about people qrting glenns old tweets with stupid shit because it was clogging my tl actually lol

[essektheylyss]

the NORMAL book to read in a tree on campus at my very professional adult job is the scientific history book, but the one that WILL get me the look of absolute befuddlement and mild consternation I crave from my supervisor is the gnostic gospels, so here we are

#jk I will probably put the actual fuckin library book I still have to finish in my backpack like the smart cookie I am #I have had at least one of my library books for over a year. and at this point it's just a point of spite that I will finish it. #tbh I may return that one cuz it's just a media studies book on time travel in tv and film and I'm like. what are you gonna tell me. #what are you going to impart to me that I don't already know. #I've got a media degree and have watched every piece of media referenced in the book. what do you have to tell me. #however. derrida on time is like. I NEED TO GET THROUGH THAT BOOK. FUCK. for my soul #DON'T @ me we've known I'm insane in this particular way. if you didn't idk what to tell you okay. #I have to say I've done very well at not buying books. I have bought One all year. #it helps that I haven't gone anywhere. but. #I should go to the used bookstore next to campus tho. cuz I wanna. 'should' I say lmfao. #it's as a treat!!! also I don't think I perused their poetry section last time I was there. #NOT that I don't have like three poetry anthologies to read on my shelf right now. fuck. #hmm maybe I should actually bring the norton native nations poetry anthology instead. #got that one. we want it all (transpoetics). and a book of luminous things. #ugggggh I have so much reading to do. #jesus CHRIST I have a to do list

[borom1r]

finally knocked The Monster Project off my watchlist and that was… disappointing?

#idk I feel like it just could’ve been done better. the whole haunted house-esque thing is fun enough but it has DEF been done better #like if I want that vibe I’ll just watch Hell House #OR UH. the one with the fuckin hole in the ground. that creatures come out of #GOD WHAT WAS THAT MOVIE ACTUALLY #DIGGING UP THE MARROW!!!! #that one rules actually #like idk the whole monster interview found footage film IS genuinely a cool idea but the satanist bit was boring and not set up very well #at all. so it just feels tacked on? bc why wouldn’t you have a satanist cult ig? #and I kept thinking Brian was gonna be a monster. THAT felt like it could’ve gone somewhere #he got out of rehab and its established he’s an addict but nothing else. two of the three monsters directly compare themselves to him. #like idk when you’ve got two of your main baddies going ‘ooo were so similar Brian’ AND he keeps splitting off from the rest of the group #like ‘let ME handle this’ idk maybe just have him be a GOOD monster. have it turn out he was in ‘rehab’ to better control his monster side #and the tattoos of initials on his leg were in memorial of friends he killed AS a monster #also the whole drug addict = same as monster thing is fucking overplayed bullshit #it’s one thing if you handle it well like ginger snaps 2 and you could’ve done sth like that here. multiple angles #the vampire gave in completely to her addiction (blood) vs Brian controlling it and finding a middle ground for himself #I like brian tho. I’m picking him up and plunking him in a better story bc he’s an interesting character he could’ve been really cool #ALSO IT FUCKING SUCKS HIW APPROPRIATIVE IT IS. THATS A WHOLE OTHER FUCKING THING #anyways 3.5/10 better movies have been made I like one character so I’m keeping him

[samwisefamgee]

Every day I grow closer to throwing my phone into the river and when I do I won’t fucking regret it

#i have been. dodging scams all morning #i don’t have any fucking money please just leave me alone #my friendships have been rotten to the fucking core #my mind poisoned #what the fuck is the point in having a smartphone when a fliphone still lets people contact me but doesn’t fucking make my life worse #not that I could afford a flip phone anyway. or service. why would someone want to scam me specifically when I posted my account overdrafted #you can SEE I don’t have money why do you BOTHER #SCAM SOMEONE RICH YOU FUCKIN MORON #alas that the desperate make for such easy targets for the heartless #it’s been so hard to keep going and every day for two months something has happened to convince me it isnt fuckin worth it like its ONLY bad #but god or fate keeps dangling juuuust enough hope in front of me that I keep going. it’s been like that for eight years #and I’ve fallen apart in that time completely. my hair is gone and my teeth will be gone soon too #my bones and joints will follow suit they’re already deformed and weak #the ringing in my ears only gets louder. i haven’t known the familiar peace of silence in years and it’ll only ever get further #and I’ll never afford the medical or psychological care to actually help those things #why bother??? I’ll keep bothering out of spite and stupid foolish hope but I still don’t fucking know why I bother when it never gets better #and it might not! hope is called hope for a reason sometimes shit just doesn’t work out #i could suffer on for abother year or five just to have it all fall apart even more. no payout #hell does exist on earth for some people. if I die and there wasn’t ever joy enough to outweigh everything then my hell was real all along #and I will have been fuckall stupid enough to suffer it for years instead of dying in high school like I planned. or college. or after. #so many times life pushed me to the edge and I crawled back just for things to get worse. every time #and still I hold onto my hope like it’s all that ever mattered. and if life turns out that way maybe it’ll be all that ever did #false ​hopes and a terribly misplaced heart #fate willing we all find peace

[azurescaled-arch]

scuse me real quick while i do the thing here

#okay i'm lowkey burnt the fuck out being here on base #and even if i went off base i feel like it doesn't get any better #it sucks #and i hate feeling like i can't relate to people anymore because i just want to be *me* #but i know i'm a soldier 24/7 #i have to be #and the reality is that i am a lot different from who i was before all this shit #i didn't think i would change that much in 4 months #but i hate it #i hate being distant from people because i'm so mentally tired that talking seems like a chore #i hate that when i wanna talk to my girlfriend i'm so tired of being around people that it annoys me #it's nobody's fault #i just fuckin' hate being here #i hate the people i'm training with on the bad days #and the days i just want people to leave me the fuck alone will never happen #because i gotta just deal with it #i know i'm only national guard #and right now idk what it's like for people who have to actually deploy and be gone for months at a time #and they have it worse #so i always feel like an ass when i complain because i know i could have it worse than i do #idk why i'm even talking about this shit right now #does venting help? #idk #but idk man #i get so many good benefits but #right now it's looking like i'm only doing this one contract before i gtfo of the army

[comas-are-for-sleeping]

hahahahaha oh no

#my family watched get out #and it was so good but it also so just hit #anyway it just. like. fuckin. bam hit me how uncomfy it is when people talk abt how envious they are of my thick hair #so now im having a panic attack bc i dont think i ever really thought about it in that way #like. yeah i have thick hair people w thinner hair are gonna be envious bc when u get older ur hair thins out and i wont have that problem #but the just total fucking disregard #HOW DID I JUST SIT AND THINK ‘maybe you could cut some off and give it to me lol haha’ WAS OK #FROM MY GRANDMA #WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK #’wow your hair is so amazing it’s so thick that’s wild’ #i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate it #rambles #vent tw #THE WORST PART IS THAT NOW I DONT LIKE MY HAIR AS MUCH AS I DID BEFORE #it’s one of the things that i actually like myself and now it feels dirty #i wanna shave it all off #i want it gone even tho im literally tryin to grow it out a little bit #FUCK

[whimsicmimic]

once again thinking about my post-trimax legato somehow miraculously survives despite everything au and vashgato agenda aka The Worlds Most Miserable Roadtrip

#one of these days ill get back to it #its the fucking. anger and hatred and loathing from legato @ vash #because legato and vashs entire dynamic is fucking #legato has lain down on the tracks. and he doesnt want to be saved. he needs vash to be the train that runs him over. #and then he lives. somehow. he missed his chance to die. #he had no reason to live. his one reason to carry on was for a cause he fully intended to die for and then he couldnt even do that #mirrored by vash. who also went into that confrontation with knives fully intending to not make it out #and now the world is saved! knives failed and now hes gone. and thats a whole fucking thing to unpack for everyone #the fucking anger. the grief. the whole fuckin mess of contradictory emotions that happens as a result of abuse from a family member w vash #fucking Everything wrt legato. the devastation of knowing knives is gone + he failed + legato lived + *vash* lived #the slowwwwwww realization over a long long period of time that legato worshipped the ground knives walked on #but knives only ever regarded legato with like. the same way someone might an ant. a bug. maybe a dog. #legato who only ever wanted to be Seen by knives #and knives who never particularly cared for legato beyond his usefulness #legato who begins following vash because its probably what knives would want + there is truly nothing else on this planet for him. #he has no other reason to live #and vash allowing him out of some sense of pity / resignation + being able to see that theres Nothing left for legato #+ probo some sense of obligation too. of heres another person his brother fucked up. which means hes vash’s responsibility to fix #all the while legato resents vash for living when knives isnt here. resents him for failing to kill him. #resents him for being the only other thing that knives actually cared about + who rejected knives when all legato ever wanted #was knives’ attention #and vash who frankly resents legato too. resents the fact that. of all the people who managed to survive. it was legato and not ww #resents all the shit that legato put him through. all the people he killed all the suffering he inflicted #the two of them looking at each other and the fucking. recognition of the self thru the other #and seeing all the shit they hate about themselves in the other #theres also again the shared grief of them both losing someone incredibly important to them both but who was also responsible for some #abuse to Both of them. unpacking it. working through it. moving forward. #learning How to move forward as a Whole when theyre both two deeply traumatized deeply suicidal fucks who no longer have the singular goals #thatve been their sole reason for existing for the past. many. years. and having to find new reasons to keep living #but most of all. i think they should make out sloppy in the desert thank you goodnight

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #hmmmm my tongue is so cool right now I like it #I like seeing the layers of tissue. the white fatty layer past the red skin and blood layer. #first time I saw that was when I cut the head off a snapping turtle cause my friends caught it but were too squeamish to kill it #(the legal kind to kill. not a protected one). idk if killing an animal is gonna make you think I'm problematic but oh well. #messed up and didn't cut the throat first so blood sprayed fuckin everywhere when I cut the head off. #butchered the body to keep the shell and we saved the meat cause they talked about making turtle soup but idk if they actually did #their six year old daughter was the only one brave enough to hold the heart (it was still spasming like it was beating) #honestly I feel like I get bored at all my jobs but maybe cutting up meat would be something I could do regularly and not get bored #idk. maybe one of these days I'll try and get into it somehow. I've got other things to do first though so I'll keep cashiering #anyway. meat is cool and I like cutting into it and I like forming my body in the way I like #and I really really really want bottom surgery because I want the bits I hate cut off and gone forever #I think nullo would be better than what I've got right now but the absence of dysphoria isn't euphoria #cutting out sadness without replacing it with happiness just creates a void. #and nullo wouldn't be gender affirming at all. #don't get freaked out about my random talking about blood. this is a Hannibal appreciation space #did it delete my tags where I said that I cut my tongue frenulum or was that on another tag talk. idk

[controlled-haterade]

look, again, maybe im just drinking too much haterade but like yeah I can acknowledge the things I have to be grateful for like Alex & my cat & my car but like in the grand scheme of things???

#we had to put down my favourite dog this year #and he was the youngest #my dad decided to move to the opposite side of the next country over #and chose to leave approximately 6 hours before i finished my move back home after being gone for 7 years #my grandparents seem to think he can do no wrong #my grandma is practically ghosting me?? #I'm getting guilt tripped for not visiting my family more when its over an hour drive away and im always expected to make the drive? #i dont have a fucking job people #and i found out that if i want to work in the industry ive spent the last 5 years in i have to basically restart from the bottom #like yeah yeah you're looking at all the negative but idk man #what sort of fuckin positive comes from any of this shit #oh not to mention i got covid twice because the so called community we're forced to live in couldn't actually give a shit if we die