#the ringing in my ears only gets louder. i haven’t known the familiar peace of silence in years and it’ll only ever get further | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crowdedimagines · 4 years

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Leaked - Harry Styles

2.8k :)

“Y/n?” His voice rings out a soft echo. The only noise in my room tonight. I simply answered so the incessant buzzing on my nightstand would finally cease. If only I had checked the contact, I wouldn’t be sitting up straight in bed, staring into the black of my room.

“Hello?” I answer back after a long enough pause for both of us to know that I have just woken up and I wasn’t fully aware of what I was answering.

“I’m sorry to wake you. I forgot what time it is there right now.” I can hear some shuffling on his end, it sounds like he’s getting up and walking around. He must be in London right now, not in his home only a ten minute drive from mine in Malibu. I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, letting my comforter drop from my shoulders.

“What’s wrong Harry?” I ask, cutting to the chase. The slight nervous edge in his voice tells me that something is most definitely wrong. I can’t just sit in silence waiting for the world to stop, I need him to spit it out. Spit out whatever made him call me after nearly a year of no longer being together.

“I had a leak. Someone hacked my phone.”

I don’t know what I was expecting, but this was far from it. I let out a sigh, he’s okay. At least physically. I can feel a slight weight lift off my chest, but it’s far from light still.

“Okay?” I prompt for him to continue.

“It’s pictures of you, Y/n.”

And to think I was worried about him. His words make my ears ring for a few seconds. An eerie pitch fills the void between us, neither of us knowing the words to help this situation.

“Which pictures?”

I switch Harry to speaker and open twitter, ignoring the mass texts that are coming in right now. My manager and my publicist ranting on our group chat but the messages fade into the background as soon as my eyes cross the trending page.

“Um-”

#Y/n’sleaked

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” My hands start shaking as I look over the images shared with the entire world. Not even just one, multiple over the time we shared a relationship.

A picture I sent him on tour, standing in our mirror with not a thread of clothing. Bare as the day I was born. I remember taking this picture as a tease right before he had to take the stage at Madison Square Garden. Now more people than can fit in Madison Square Garden have seen that picture.

Next, is a picture of me in a rather compromising position on my knees looking up at him. It’s not hard to tell what was happening or about to happen. Harry took this one, It was already a hot night for us, and somehow him pulling out his phone snapping a quick picture made it even hotter. Now I need to worry about my family ever seeing this.

Finally, the most modest of the group, a picture of me in simple dark red lingerie thrown on the bed by Harry. Once again, a picture that Harry had snapped himself. I had just come home from tour and he answered our door and I dropped everything I had, including the clothes I had been wearing. He chased me up to our room, he finally caught me in our room and literally threw me on the bed. He pulled out his phone claiming he wanted to remember the sheer joy he was feeling in that moment. Now it’s bringing me dread.

Tweet after tweet sharing the same group of photos.

Harry doesn’t say a single word, knowing that I’ve seen exactly what he was trying to break down to me.

“Oh my god.” I shutter, refreshing as the tweets come in by the hundreds.

“Y/n I-”

I hang up before he can utter another word. I can’t speak with him right now, knowing exactly who’s to blame for putting me out there like that. We broke up nearly a year ago, if he had simply deleted the photos once the relationship was over, maybe we wouldn’t be here.

I read the thread of messages between Jordan my manager and Paula my publicist. Both are trying to diffuse the situation. I wonder how they found out, did they get a call at two in the morning from Jeff?

I simply reply that in the morning to meet at my house to get everything sorted out, there’s no point in stressing over what we can’t change and losing sleep over it. They both agree to be at my house bright and early at seven.

I put my phone back down and pull myself under the covers. At least for a few more hours this can’t be real. A few more hours I can hide under the covers and pretend that this isn’t happening.

I put coffee on, knowing that the girls will be here any moment, hopefully with a plan in hand on how we can diffuse the situation.

“Good morning.” Paula smiles cheerily followed by Jordan who just has a tight smile.

“Please tell me there’s something we can do.” I sit down on my touch, letting my hands warm on the mug.

“Yes, we-kind of!” Paula gushes.

I look to Jordan for a clear answer. Paula has always been a little nuttier, I love her to death, but right now I need serious and I need a plan. I need cold and honest.

“I talked with Jeff for a while last night and we both agree that we think it’s best for us to meet up together to discuss a course of action in person. We have a flight in an hour.”

“So you’re telling me that my nudes leak from his phone and now I have to hop on a plane to go see him?” My jaw must reach the floor by now.

“It’ll be better to get this all sorted out with both teams together. We have the same common goal here, we just want to make this look a little better.”

“Easy for you to say when it’s not your body trending on Twitter.”

“I wasn’t the one sending them.” She raises her brow, she’s told me a dozen times to never put myself in a position like this. That there can’t be any leaks when you don’t take anything private.

I climb upstairs to my room and grab a bag to start packing. I throw on a cute sweat suit and find a pair of dark tinted sunglasses. If anything, the airport is the last place I should be right now. The paparazzi are worse than they’ve ever been, even with Harry, I’ve never been bombarded like this. They throw question after question to me, hoping to get the first scoop on me the morning after it leaked. While it’s still hot and trending with every news outlet.

“Jesus.” Paula mutters, “Still got all your fingers and toes?”

I smile finally, “I’m fine, thank you.”

The flight is peaceful, thankfully. Jordan types a mile a minute on her laptop next to me. Surely, trying to work out a plan and get as many pictures taken down as possible. Not that it matters now, it’s out in the world forever now.

A sleek black car picks us up and drives the familiar route to Harry’s London home. We pull into the driveway and it knocks the air out of my lungs as soon as my feet hit the ground. There’s several cars that don’t belong to Harry, which means it’s a full house today.

I let Jordan walk in first, letting myself weakly trail behind. I haven’t seen Harry since the break up. Maybe once at an award show, but it was far away and we didn’t exchange words. I definitely didn’t think I would be stepping into his house again.

“Jordan.” Jeff greets, getting up from the dining table where it looks like people have set up camp. A whole crew of people making calls, scouring Twitter, and god knows what else.

“Hi, Jeff.” She smiles.

I look around a little, trying not to be obvious. The house looks the same, Hardly a single thing out of place in over a year. Not that I expect it too, I never fully lived here outside of a few weeks at a time. It’s not like our shared Malibu home that we sold in the break up. This place was always predominantly his.

Speaking of Harry, finally he looks up from his phone, he had been biting at his cuticles probably worrying, panicking. He tucks his phone in his back pocket and walks over to the rest of us. Paula instantly pulls him down for a hug, she always loved him.

“Harry!” She sighs.

He lets out a soft laugh and bends down to hug her short stature. We make eye contact a few times, but never say anything.

“I wish this was under different circumstances.” Paula whispers, even though we still all catch it.

“No hug? Harry teases Jordan. They were never close but at least he’s attempting to lighten the mood. Harry is probably the last person on this planet that she wants to hug.

“I’m not your biggest fan right now.” Jordan sighs, her steel cold gaze returns. I bite back a smirk over how protective she can be sometimes.

“Y/n, I-” Harry starts, finally turning his full attention to me.

“Y/n!” A louder voice cuts him off, I glance over his shoulder to see Gemma getting up from the couch in the living room, Anne close behind.

“Oh my god, I’ve missed you!” She pulls me in for a hug, her arms pulling me in tight, as if to make up for the months of nearly no contact.

“I’ve missed you too, Gem.” I tighten my grip around her.

Anne appears in my line of vision now, smiling softly. I release my grip on Gemma and she does the same, Anne taking her place.

“You’ll get through this, darling.” She whispers softly as she rubs her hand up and down my back. Her words bring tears to my eyes. I’ve tried to not let myself be sad about this. I’ve only felt anger, but hugging Anne has opened the floodgates. “You’re strong.”

“I need to freshen up.” I clear my throat, Anne pulls back and smiles.

No one says a word as I excuse myself to the closest guest bathroom. I wash my face with cold water and take a few deep breaths trying to prepare myself somewhat for what I have to go out there and face. I open the door and notice Harry leaning against the wall across from the door.

“Hi.” He picks his head up, no longer staring at the ground.”

“Hi.” I say back.

“Y/n I am so sorry. I had no clue any of this would happen. If I had known-”

“Why did you keep the pictures Harry?” I ask, I want answers not apologies. He’s still Harry and I know he’s feeling so much guilt right now.

“I don’t really know.” He shrugs, “I wasn’t being pervy with them, wasn’t keeping them for any indecent reason. They were just another memory that I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t delete any of the pictures.”

I can’t think of a response which is fine because Jeff calls for both of us to join them. We sit down at the table along with a few unfamiliar faces. As soon as we do they dive into the details, talking about how somehow Harry’s iCloud was hacked and that meant they had access to all photos.

“Well why are my pictures the only ones out there? It’s his phone that got hacked!” I yell.

“We don’t know.” Jordan answers, “We don’t know what else they got either. If they have more that they’re waiting to sell.”

“Fuck’s sake.” Harry mutters, rubbing over his eyes.

“Well Harry, got anything else I should worry about? Or any other girls you should warn?” I turn to look at him, a flash of red creeps up his neck and hangs around on his cheeks. It was a low blow, but it slips out before I can stop it.

“There’s no one else.” Harry answers, “And for other pictures I don’t know to be completely honest.

“Well, it might help for us to get an idea of what else could be out there. We should try and get an idea of what else the two of you have.” Jeff's words make me look to Anne, now it’s my turn to blush but she isn’t phased by any of it so far.

“Well it could be worse.” A man from Harry’s team states as he shuts his lap top, leaning in to join the conversation.

“How so?” Gemma prompts crossing her arms over her chest.

“Any publicity is good-”

“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence.” I cut off the man before he can continue. “You can’t talk. You can’t say any publicity is good publicity. Not until your body is trending on Twitter. Not until everyone with social media has seen your body, talked about it, and used it. Not until you have to call your parents and tell them you’re sorry and to stay away from phones for a while. Not until your body is no longer your body.”

The chair loudly scrapes against the floor as I stand up. I can’t sit here at the table and listen to them talk about it like it’s not as huge as it is. Because to them this is work, to me it’s my real life. I make my way towards the back porch. It’s always been one of my favorite spots. It’s got the best view of the garden.

I trust Jordan for decisions on this. She knows me well enough after all of these years together. They’ll run anything else past me, but I don’t need to be in there while they attempt damage control.

I sit down on the outdoor couch and pull my legs up to my chest. It’s peaceful for a few minutes and I just let myself bask in it. I could probably fall asleep if I tried, jet lag and all. It’s soft, but still loud enough for me to hear the door open. I turn to see Harry just standing there, trying not to invade my bubble while still giving me my space.

“C’mon.” I nod to the spot beside me. There’s no point in being mad anymore. What’s done is done. I will always love Harry more than the drama.

He shuffles over and takes a seat. A slow fog rolls in as it slowly gets darker.

“Do you ever miss it?” His voice quiet and steady. I don’t have to ask to know he’s talking about our relationship.

“Harry, we dated for three years, of course I’m going to miss that. Now what’s got you all sentimental? See those pictures and remember how good of a lay I am?” I tease bumping his shoulder with mine, with a smirk. He lets out an airy laugh, easing the tension.

“No, even before these past few days.” He finally looks over at me, tearing his eyes away from the yard, “I always miss you.”

“Harry.” I sigh. “We both agreed. We were both touring, we never even saw each other. And when we weren’t we were stuck in the studio. Different studios I might add.”

“Isn’t rarely seeing each other better than never?”

His question hangs in the air, both of us leaving it unanswered.

“I don’t know, Harry.” I answer after several minutes. The sun dips below the horizon, and my head dips down to his shoulder. “I don’t know.”

I don’t know how long we sit like that. The sun is gone now, and the breeze actually feels cold, but Harry’s arm is heavy and warm around my shoulder.

The door suddenly opens causing both of our heads to perk up. It’s Gemma with the smallest smile on her face.

“They’re asking for you guys in there.”

“Ready, love?” Harry stands, holding out a hand to pull me up with him.

“Well it’s now or never.”

part two? let me know what you guys think

#harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles fanfiction #Harry Styles

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astrea-lin · 4 years

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MLQC/ Love Producer chapter 25 translation

Spoilers ahead >< Translated this from Chinese but some parts were really difficult too, I hope it helps nonetheless c:

------chapter 25-1-------

Under the inky blue night sky, the moon hung highly.I stood on a surface of water and reached out, raindrops falling onto my palm.There was no sound of rain. I could not feel the temperature of the water droplets, either.

Surprisingly, the surroundings were quiet, and my hazy expression was reflected on the still water. I seemed to have passed through a long, dark tunnel and ended up in a peaceful lake. However, I almost couldn’t remember everything else that had happened.

Someone seemed to be calling my name. I opened my mouth, but there was no sound.

There were layers of mist wrapped around me. My body seemed like it was being pushed around uncontrollably. As my world was spun around, I fell deeper into the water.

The sound of rain and shouting echoed in my ears; the shouts unwilling to cease.

I opened my eyes slowly, and subconsciously reached out my hand to block the ray of light from my sight. In the next second, a few familiar faces appeared in my sight. A pair of eyes gleamed, seemingly surprised.

Young boy: “You’re finally awake!”

Young girl: “We’ve called for you so many times! Quick, call the dean!”

Upon hearing the girl, the young boy turned and left the classroom. I looked at the familiar faces of the noisy children around me, and I lost focus for a moment.

MC: This is…

Young girl: “I knew it! You’ve forgotten about us! You clearly promised to come back and visit us…”

Young girl: “ Lucien even told us that you just didn’t have time…”

I hurriedly looked around me, like I was being struck. I looked at the organized tables and chairs, the snow-white ceiling, and the resentful girl in front of me. All of my memories were then put together.

MC: “This place, could it be…”

MC: “Dean...”

Dean: “Are you alright?”

I turned to look at the dean who was rushing over to me, and I didn't dare to confirm my own assumptions. Looking at the dean and the children who were calling my name filled my heart a little.

Dean: “We haven’t met in a long time. What brings you here? Do you have new ideas for your show?”

The children gathered around me, calling my name. One of the children stood closely to the dean, seemingly full of expectations.

Young girl: “Lucien’s girlfriend is here. Does this mean that Lucien will be here,too? He hasn’t visited to tell us stories in a long time…”

Young boy: “Didn’t you claim that you were Lucien’s girlfriend instead?”

The children started laughing, and the girl blushed. She chased him around and tried to hit him. I felt a tingling feeling in my nose as I watched them. That’s right, this was the orphanage I remembered. They seemed to be a little older now, but it’s true; they were the children I visited because Lucien brought me to see them.

They remembered my name, and the things I did here. I remembered coming here with Lucien…

This was the world I experienced everything in; my joy, doubts, and my countless emotions.

MC: “How have you been, recently?”

Even though I did my best to control myself, my voice was still shaking.

The dean was puzzled, but still nodded at me.

Dean: “What’s wrong? Why are you asking such a question so suddenly?”

I tried my best to take a deep breath.

MC: “Everything’s fine, I’m just… happy”

MC: “Happy that I returned.”

Even though the dean was confused, he looked at me, gave me a kind smile, and understood me in his own way.

Dean: “This place will always welcome you.”

Dean: “Come, let’s get up.”

I nodded, and the children rushed to reach out their hands, pulling me to a seat.

Dean: “When did you arrive at the orphanage? Why didn’t anyone tell us so? The children told me that you fell asleep here.”

Dean: “Did anything happen?”

Looking at the dean’s kind expression, I tried my best to think of my last memory. A beam of light passed me by.

I stood still, and shook my head in the end.

Young boy: “I know! You must have been too sleepy, that’s why you fell asleep.”

Young girl: “Even so, she wouldn’t have slept on the floor!”

Young boy: “Who says you can’t? You were even able to sleep on the grass while standing the other day, and I saw that!”

Young boy: “Didn’t the dean always talk about how it’s so easy to fall asleep during this season?”

Young girl: “You! How could you say that out? It’s too embarrassing!”

Dean: “Alright, stop fighting.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at their bickering. I felt a long lost warmth in my heart.

The sun shined on the windows as I looked out, and all I saw was rich greens. The weather was amazing.

However, something didn’t feel right.

Too many things had happened in the past. Even though what I saw were familiar people, I’ve always felt that there were subtle changes.

Why was I at the orphanage? Has the incident that took place in the other world been resolved?

Is he… doing ok?

Then, I received a phone call from an unknown number.

MC: “Hello?”

??: “MC… Your company...”

MC: “Hello? I can’t hear you clearly. Can you speak louder?”

I heard static noises alongside a familiar female voice. I could only struggle to comprehend what she was saying.

Before I could ask clearly, the call went into voicemail.

My company? Was the call from Anna?

ding--

At the same time, my phone started ringing continuously for a few minutes.

The children around me watched as my phone continued to ring.

Young boy: “Your phone is dancing…”

Text messages, e-mails, news, advertisements…

Countless notifications flooded in, as though wanting to fill up my phone all at once.

MC: “What’s going on?”

The flood of notifications stopped, and my screen went dark

I picked up my phone to check for any issues, when my screen lit up once again.

The sender’s name broke into my sight suddenly, and my breathing seemed to be out of pace in an instant.

It’s Kiro.

Kiro: “Welcome back ^^”

------chapter 25- 2-------

My thoughts drifted to a distant past. Looking at my phone’s screen, I could picture his smiling face, grinning from ear to ear. Kiro… How did he know of my return?

More importantly, the one who sent me thay text message-- was it really him?

An image of a silver-haired boy came into my mind and I thought of his cold gaze. I couldn’t help but hold on to my phone tightly.

Young boy: “Why didn’t you bring chips for us?”

I stopped for a moment, and thought about a decision I made, and my visit to the orphanage to distribute the chips to the children.

MC: “Dean, I’m sorry, things have been too busy these days. How long has it been since my last visit?.”

Dean: “About half a year.”

Dean: “When you last visited, this place was a temporary shelter. The flu affected the whole city, and it was disastrous.”

Hearing about the flu, it rang a bell. All of my memories came rushing back like a surge of waves.

The messy gray-white hall, the girl in a black dress who fell into a pool of blood, the man whom I cried and begged at, and his embrace.

Victor… How is he?

I subconsciously put my hand on my chest, trying to find an answer that did not exist.

Dean: “Are you alright? Are you feeling unwell?”

I shook my head quickly, let out a breath, and thought of something more important.

MC: “Has the flu incident been resolved?”

The dean let out a surprised expression, and nodded.

Dean: “Of course it had been resolved. Even if you were busy, you should know about things like this. Furthermore, didn’t Lucien--”

Suddenly, strong footsteps came from the outside, and interrupted his words.

--bang---, the door was forcefully knocked open.

The children screamed in fear, and I rushed to protect them behind me.

Even though my heart was beating so quickly, my first reaction was to react immediately. Perhaps that was because I had experienced too many things recently.

A group of people in uniforms appeared in the classroom. They formed into a straight line quickly, their faces full of dignity.

There was a sudden conflict. In a few seconds, they blocked the path to the exit.

Upon looking at their uniforms, I reacted immediately. They were agents from the task force!

Dean: “Sirs, may I ask what’s the matter?”

I looked at the dean who was walking forward, my heart full of surprise and suspicion. He’s an ordinary person, so how could he have known about the agents?

Not having time to think, the man who was standing in the middle walked towards us with utmost urgency.

He was holding a device that was slightly larger than his palm. His gaze scanned us, as though he was comparing us with one another.

After a while, he turned to whisper to his teammate next to him. They quickly walked toward us and grabbed the two children behind me.

Officer: “Take them away.”

I looked at the scene before me in shock, unable to react to the situation.

Young girl: “Dean… MC… I’m scared...”

The crying and shouting in front of me amplified and I felt something tugging at my heart. I rushed forward and held their hands.

MC: “Your tasks have always been to arrest criminals with Evol powers, so why are you capturing these children?”

The man frowned, seemingly intrigued by my question.

Officer: “You seem to have a good understanding about us?”

MC: “I know...one of your past colleagues.”

The man looked at me for a moment, and let out a cold laughter.

Officer: “You want to talk about favors? Miss, you’re overthinking. We must take away these two underaged evolvers today. This is an order, please cooperate.”

I looked at the two crying children before me. All this while, I never knew they were evolvers.

However, that man’s tone infuriated me.

MC: “Why must they be taken, just because they are evolvers? Did they commit a crime?”

MC: “Also, how could you discuss the evolvers’ identities so openly?”

There was a dead silence, and then laughter from the agents. Even the dean furrowed his brows as he looked at me.

The officer who captured the children began to speak coldly.

Officer: “3 months ago, the list containing the names of all evolvers was released publicly. ”

MC: “What?!”

Officer: “This is to protect the safety of all citizens.”

Officer: “The massacre at the quarantine zone proved that the potential danger of evol criminals has far exceeded our expectations”.

Officer: “If the force had not taken control of the scene on time and arrested the ones responsible, every single one of you would probably have been dead.”

Young boy: “Nonsense! The one who saved us was Lucien!”

Upon hearing Lucien’s name, the agent was surprised and showed a hint of anxiety on his face, but soon looked serious again.

Officer: “Anyway, we must monitor all underaged evolvers.”

Officer: “Even though they are still young, it would be too dangerous when they lose control of their powers.”

Looking at the two helpless figures before me, I gritted my teeth.

Be it the massacre, or evolvers losing control of their powers-- it is not fundamentally the evolvers’ fault. Even more so, these children were not to be blamed.

How could they publicly release the names of the evolvers? How are they going to live their lives then?

In a moment, countless ideas flashed in my mind.

The man passed down an order as they moved towards me. I could only hold the children tightly with my body to protect them.

MC: “Wait!”

I took a deep breath and paced myself.

MC: “I am an Evolver too.”

Everyone stopped on their tracks instantly as the man looked at me cautiously. Their reaction convinced me that my tactic was effective.

MC: “I am an evolver too, If you are going to take these children, take me along as well.”

The man ordered the dean to stand at the side, as he reached for his gun.

Officer: “Take the rest of the children and leave. Do not return to the classroom without our orders.”

Young girl: “She won’t hurt us!”

The dean suppressed his feelings of suspicion and we exchanged looks. He nodded and took the children away quickly.

The man waited for them to leave, and took a metal device from his teammate as he placed them on my temple.

I gulped nervously and was prepared to be captured, but I stared at him without showing any weakness.

The device beeped twice and showed: No Evol response.

MC: “?!”

The man shook his head and laughed coldly.

Officer: “Miss, do not interfere with official business.”

I stood in place, staring at the device and its response echoed in my ears: No Evol response.

The man turned to take the children away, but I couldn’t help but run forward. I snatched the device from his hands.

Officer: “What are you doing?”

Countless guns aimed at me, and I was running out of time. I placed the device over my temple like they did before. The device rang sharply, and the man looked at me in disgust.

Officer: “What a lunatic… actually hoping to be an Evolver...”

Officer: “Do what an ordinary person would do, or else I will take you away next time.”

I watched the children being taken with my own eyes.

However, the sharp ringing from the device still echoed in my ears.

No Evol response… How is that possible?

Wasn’t my Evol the reason why everything began in the first place?

Because I have the Queen’s Evol, and because I saw those premonitions-- That’s why the world before my eyes slowly unfolded just like what I saw.

The Queen’s abilities would be awakened once the dimensions are unified. I clearly did it in the Black Cabin! So, why…

Was there a problem with that device?!

I closed my eyes as I tried to focus. I tried to recall how I felt when I used my abilities in the past, but I only saw darkness.

No, the Queen’s abilities should be more than just being able to see the future. At that moment, I felt it too.

But then, it seemed I didn’t even have my pre-recognition abilities anymore!

Had I really…turned into an ordinary person?

Hypnos: “Can you feel the helplessness of an ordinary person now?”

A gentle yet distant voice rang in my ears. Its warmth felt like falling snowflakes in the cold winter.

I quickly opened my eyes, and in front of me stood an elegant, slender man. I felt a chill down my spine.

Hypnos: “We met again.”

------chapter 25-4-------

He was still as lofty as ever.

Even though he emerged from the sunlight, his eyes still brought about an air of coldness. I felt a chill involuntarily.

His appearance gave me a terrible feeling, as if this person was concealing some sort of agenda.

MC: “Why are you here?”

He smiled, but didn’t answer.

MC: “Is this another vision in my dreams?”

MC: “Was it you who allowed the disclosure of the evolvers’ identities?”

MC: “Were you the one who let the public treat evolvers like monsters? Like what you’ve done before?”

Hypnos smiled and walked to my side. His voice was warm and calm, like he was trying to appease me from being so agitated.

Hypnos: “I think you have misunderstood. This is indeed the world where you made all your decisions.”

Hypnos: “I think I have already reminded you a long time ago, that regardless of which world it is, they won’t have too much of a difference from one another.”

MC: “I don’t believe that this has nothing to do with you.”

His face seemed to show ruthlessness, or was it sympathy?

I was unable to read his emotions from his eyes.

Hypnos: “You’re overthinking it. In this world, I have become an ordinary person, just like you.”

Hypnos: “This is considered as... the price I‘ve paid.”

He let out a gentle smile, but I sensed a hint of danger. Something then flashed across my mind.

MC: “What do you mean by “Price”? Did you exchange your evol for something?”

He looked at me silently, reached out, and brushed my forehead.

I couldn’t help but to take a step back, and my forehead felt cold.

Hypnos: “You will slowly learn about it, eventually."

Hypnos: “My decision was made for you.”

I was lost in my thoughts for a moment, but I quickly realized something.

MC: “Why would I lose my evol?”

He looked at me like he was prompting me to keep talking.

MC: “Was this your plan? Did you make my evol disappear? Why did you do that?”

Hypnos: “Isn't it great to be an ordinary person?”

He interrupted me, his tone peaceful and gentle, like he was treating a child who had just lost her candy.

Hypnos: “Regarding the Queen’s abilities, It was only a burden to you, right?”

I was stunned by his question. I felt like a rock was stuck between my throat, making me unable to react to what he said.

Hypnos: “Your growth was too slow.”

His cold words hit my heart, word by word. I almost wanted to lower my head to avoid his gaze.

Hypnos: “Or, that the dream world I have created is the place that suits you the most. It’s such a pity that you were not awake.”

He sighed. My neck felt heavy, but I still held my head up firmly.

Hypnos: “This world might change very quickly, and this change will have nothing to do with you.”

His words concealed a hint of danger, making me too afraid to imagine too much. More and more emotions surged in me.

MC: “I will find my powers back.”

He simply acknowledged after a few moments of silence.

MC: “Even if the world is spiraling towards a worse direction, I am still capable of changing it."

Hypnos: “What can the present-you do?”

He looked at my gaze, now seemingly different. I didn’t want to interpret what his words meant.

MC: “Someone once told me that I am the only Queen in this world.”

MC: “No matter how much things change, I will always be able to alter the ending.”

My words made him stop in his tracks for a moment. He smiled lightly after a long while.

Hypnos: “Then, go and do whatever you want to do.”

Hypnos: “Now’s only the beginning.”

I sat on the floor and watched him leave as I gritted my teeth, refusing to show an ounce of weakness.

I only felt my shaking fingertips when I was the only one left in the classroom.

I looked at my palm, the crystal-clear sweat droplets exposing my fear from before.

However, my uneasiness slowly subsided as a voice entered my thoughts.

Lucien: “Only I can bring you to the Queen’s real abilities, and bring you to the real future.”

It doesn’t matter which world it is, nobody understood about Evol and the Queen as much as him.

MC: “Lucien…”

I couldn’t help but say his name. I felt the chilly spring air wheezing by the window.

The camphor tree in the yard just grew new green sprouts. They softly wavered in the wind, as though someone was gently speaking to them.

I looked at the familiar shade of green, and I felt moved by it somehow.

I was already back.

Will he still be there?

------chapter 25-5-------

I was in a taxi as I passed by Lucien’s research center. I looked on with mixed feelings.

The scenery out of the windows got further and further away from me. As I thought of everything that had happened, my mind was like an entangled ball of yarn, unable to get through the huge mess.

MC: “To be an ordinary person…”

I looked down at my hands, and closed my eyes. No matter how much I tried to focus, nothing happened. I could only hear the broadcast the driver turned on, and the reality around me which seemed both familiar and foreign at the same time. Yet, the word “Evolver” kept appearing in my mind.

Looks like the city has completely accepted the existence of Evolvers during the last 6 months. In fact, many people already have their own opinions about it.

News: “The mastermind behind the massacre, nicknamed “Hades”, is currently under investigation. We interviewed the highest ranked commander Mr. Leto…”

I heard two familiar names pass me by. Before I could react, the middle-aged man’s voice rang through the broadcast.

Leto: “What Hades did had brought us great harm, and the agency will not tolerate such a crime.”

Leto: “The current investigation proves that Hades’ organization did plan the virus.”

Leto: “The agency called them Organization B, and there was also evidence that their core members fled the scene collectively after the incident, including Hades himself.”

Hades? Didn’t he already…

I was taken aback. I thought of the gun in Victor’s hand, and the man who collapsed in front of me. Soon, I recalled what happened in the other world.

Looks like “organization B” refered to BLACK SWAN, I didn’t expect them to be revealed to the public so openly.

Perhaps the agenda behind this was the same when they revealed the names of the evolvers.

Leto: “We have already gotten a hold of their identities, and are currently trying to track where they are.”

My heart raced again.

If their identities have been revealed, then Lucien…

I was worried. The taxi had already stopped. As I looked up to see the scenery before me, I froze.

The lone building in front of me was not unfamiliar at all, but this was definitely not the place I had wanted to go.

MC: “Excuse me, did you misunderstand what I’ve said? I said I wanted to get to Lucien’s research center.”

Driver: “Research center? It was long gone. This is Professor Lucien’s research institute.”

I was stunned, and I looked at the vast open space before I noticed the newly installed fences and signs.

The highest life science research center.

That place had given me many memories. At the beginning, it was Lucien who led me here. At the same time, he had also become someone I was unable to get close to...Ares.

MC: “What’s going on here?”

Driver: “What? Aren’t you a fan of Professor Lucien?”

MC: “You know Lucien?”

Driver: “He saved everyone in Loveland. Of course I know about him.”

Saved the whole of Loveland city?

I suddenly remembered the kid back in the orphanage, who mentioned Lucien saving them.

MC: “What… Did he do?”

Driver: “Are you not a local here? The whole world should have known about this news, though. If we didn’t have the vaccine Lucien had created, we would all be doomed 6 months ago.”

I was thrown off guard for a moment, but understood quickly.

It turned out that Lucien was the one who resolved the flu incident.

Upon understanding the situation, I wasn’t surprised. Perhaps all this while, I believed that he would be the one to develop the vaccine.

Driver: “Sigh. Fortunately for us, we have a genius around, like Professor Lucien. If not for this, all of us would have been killed by the volers--whatever they are called.”

As I heard his words, I felt a taste I could not quite explain.

If he knew that Lucien himself is also an Evolver, and if he heard the news broadcast regarding the organization previously…

I snapped out of my thoughts, and got out of the car.

This building brought me many bad memories, and I didn’t want to get close to it. There were many girls around me who were taking videos, and nobody seemed to mind the strange barrenness here.

A few of the girls gathered to watch a video on their phones. From their phones, I heard Lucien’s voice. My heart raced, and I took out my phone as well. I searched for his name on my screen.

News reports and photos of him quickly showed up, all of them related to him saving everyone from the crisis.

I clicked on one of the articles: .

The man in the video had a content smile on his face. It brought me back to the scene where I met him for the first time.

I know that was the Lucien who had nothing to do with BLACK SWAN.

Lucien: “It is a pleasure to accept this commission from the World Gene Organization.”

Lucien: “I chose to rebuild the building out of respect for its predecessors. It also serves as a wake up call for the future generations to come.”

I looked at the calm, harmless man on the screen. At that moment, I felt that it was a lie.

I couldn’t bring myself to remember that this man had said many dangerous things to me with that same voice.

However, before I left this world, he clearly already…

Lucien: “The world’s savior? I’m sorry, but I’m not. I also hope that everyone would not use this term to define me.”

Lucien: “I’m just a sacrifice used in the process of humanity’s evolution.”

The video paused. The word “Sacrifice” coming from him reminded me of something. I thought of another side to him.

I quickly thought of how the existence of BLACK SWAN was known to the public. Will the fact that Lucien is Ares be announced too?

Countless questions and worries took over me.

As I was lost in those thoughts, I arrived at the exit unknowingly.

I put my phone away. As I contemplated on how I should enter the building to approach Lucien, the large electronic gates before me opened suddenly.

A young man in a white uniform rushed out of the doors, and quickly began to speak to me warmly.

Young man: “Are you MC? I’m Amin. Quick, come in! Lucien’s public presentation had already begun.”

I felt so awkward that I didn’t know what to say. As he gestured for me to enter, I had no choice but to follow him.

He took me through a white hallway, and we entered a lab.

MC: “Actually, I…”

The young man reached to a closet, took out a white uniform similar to the one he was wearing, and threw it towards me.”

Young man: “Put this on. By the way, since you arrived late, the experiment was over. But professor Lucien still has a lecture going on--”

MC: “I’m actually just here to look for Lucien.”

Young man: “Yes,yes,yes, I know, but we are already late. When we enter, please do not make any noise that would interrupt Professor Lucien. My credits would be affected.”

The young man gave me no opportunities to interrupt him, so I just nodded obediently in response.

Perhaps it was my subconscious desire to see him that made me unable to refuse him.

He took me up the stairs, and a tall laboratory appeared before my eyes.

A group of researchers in white uniforms gathered around, and occasionally took down notes.

The ring shaped screen atop displayed all sorts of formulas and numbers which I did not understand.

I walked closer to the group of people, and heard a familiar voice.

Lucien: “On the road to humanity’s evolution, we will encounter many challenges. However, it is simply a process we have to go through.”

Hearing that voice, I hardly dared to step forward any closer. I knew that I was no longer looking at a screen, but Lucien himself.

Lucien: “Maybe some people would like to return to simpler experiences, or perhaps… some people would like to look for a shortcut.”

I kept my gaze down, but I couldn’t help but keep walking toward where he stood.

Lucien: “...But to find such a shortcut is not easy.”

As I heard the familiar words, I looked up, and my heart raced.

Lucien stood there, wearing his glasses, and was still wearing the same white coat and dark dress shirt.

Just like that, he came into my sight.

Lucien: “I’m sorry, I’ve been doing the talking all this while. In regards to this experiment, would any students like to express their views? ”

He turned around as he spoke. There was a hint of softness in his eyes.

My heart skipped a beat at that instant as our eyes met. I looked back at him nonetheless, and never tried to avoid him.

It felt like at that moment, there were only the two of us there.

Lucien showed no sign of surprise. Perhaps there wasn't a thing in this world that he doesn't know of.

My disappearance, as well as my presence, didn’t seem significant enough to surprise him.

He was calm and composed when he looked at me, as though I had been around all the time, looking out for him, and as if I was going to respond to him.

My heart was full of emotions I couldn’t quite describe. I wanted to say something, but it was impossible to call out to him in his lecture.

He smiled and began to speak.

Lucien: “Could I trouble that student over there to complete the following part with me?”

His words stopped me on my tracks.

------chapter 25-7-------

Lucien: “Could you assist me?”

Lucien smiled and called the name of the student seated next to me.

I took a deep breath before bringing myself to look up.

He watched patiently at the student, and occasionally gave him pointers. His smile was distant, as though our encounter was just an illusion.

MC: “He...didn’t see me?”

I've imagined various scenes of our reunion, but certainly not this one.

At that moment, my expectations felt so pathetic.

I looked down at my feet. I could only let out a helpless smile.

Perhaps most of the people present were not professional researchers. The lecture seemed more like a public discussion.

The dull topics were made interesting by Lucien.

The atmosphere was intense and feedback was being exchanged around the room.

Lucien would occasionally turn towards me, but would not look at me for long.

I was certain that he did, for sure, notice me.

He always kept a smile on his face, as he confidently answered the questions the students had.

Looking at him, I felt a sense of unfamiliarity.

He couldn’t have forgotten me in this world as well, right?

I felt a surge of incomprehensible emotions tugging at me.

Lucien’s gaze fell on me once again, as if I was a plant he adored.

I was a little disturbed, and decided to retreat to the crowd and look at my phone instead.

MC: “When will this lecture end?”

Alongside many advertisements, my phone was full of messages and calls from different people from the last 6 months.

As I searched through my messages and missed calls, I did not see his name at all.

There was nothing from Lucien.

During the last 6 months, he had never attempted to contact me.

I felt my emotions grow stronger and stronger. I wanted to turn and leave, but I was unable to move.

However, at that time, I didn’t realize that my actions were being noticed by him.

Lucien: “Thank you for giving me your precious time. I hope that this has not been a boring afternoon for everyone here.”

I finally heard him wrap things up. As I looked up, our eyes met again.

MC: “What is he looking at, exactly?!”

Lucien: “And…”

He paused, and smiled, seemingly deep in thoughts.

Lucien: “Our society is currently changing. Even though it is difficult to notice the approaching new era, we cannot ignore any small changes.”

Lucien: “I need everyone to know that this research center has a purpose different from other organizations or institutions.”

Student A: “What do you mean by "other organizations"? Are you referring to the special task force?”

The question seemed to cause a commotion, and the crowd began to whisper to one another.

Student A: “Is this because the names of the Evolvers were revealed?”

Student A: “From your standpoint and in the stance of scientific research, you disagree with their actions, right?”

The commotion escalated, and more discussions were brought up.

I heard someone guess that the student who raised the question previously, was an Evolver.

Student B: “I think I’ve heard rumors about Professor Lucien conducting research on Evolvers. He probably is siding with the Evolvers.”

Student C: “Huh? That can’t be!”

Student B: “Also, according to information provided by insiders, the commander of the task force came and requested for our research materials and data. Professor Lucien did not let them in.”

Student C: “There are indeed many people on the list who are professors themselves. I guess it’s to protect the researchers in their respective institutes ?”

Student B: “I think that in this situation, the only institute in Loveland city that can maintain a neutral point of view is HuaRui Institute.”

As a thought flashed by my mind, someone wearing a white coat and a badge entered.

Student D: “Professor Lucien, can you express your opinion in regards to what you’ve said previously?”

I looked at the student beside me, who looked a little mature. He seemed a little familiar to me.

An assistant stepped out in an attempt to dismiss the commotion, but Lucien waved at him to stop. He was still smiling like before, unwavered by what was going on.

Lucien: “May I ask if you have scheduled an interview with me officially ? Mr reporter?”

The student beside me shook a little. He appeared to be panicking about his identity being revealed. I just remembered that I’ve seen this person at several press conferences before.

Lucien: “I’ve emphasized it many times. My colleagues and I do not accept interviews unless officially scheduled. We have more important things to do.”

Lucien: “ I hope that the media can do their job well, and clearly think of the content they want to report.”

Lucien: “Or...think about the values you want to uphold.”

His stable voice put everyone to silence.

I suddenly realized that what he said were the exact words I’ve told him before.

I couldn’t help but glance at him once more, and sure enough, his gaze fell on me.

My heart skipped another beat.

When I said those words to him before, his expression back then was the same one he wore when he spoke to the student beside me-- there was no trace of warmth in it.

When he was done talking, Lucien walked down the podium, switched off the projector, and took off his glasses.

Lucien: “Life is more interesting with small incidents like this, it seems.”

Lucien: “What I’ve said just now can serve as an assignment to everyone.”

Lucien: “I believe that all of you will soon understand the meaning behind this.”

He seemed to be concealing something I didn’t understand, and I am no stranger to that expression.

Lucien… What are you planning?

All I felt was needless worry.

The staff guided Lucien as he left from the other side. I was pushed along by the crowd as they went outside the room.

While nobody was paying attention, I retreated to a corner and waited for everyone else to leave, before sneaking back to the lab.

The lab was cold. The scene I’ve witnessed felt like an illusion to me.

I took a deep breath, and walked towards the direction Lucien took. I soon found an office with a familiar name on the door.

I never saw any other rooms around, and it seemed that there was only his office on that level.

I wanted to knock on the door, but I didn’t have the courage to do so.

Even though I had gathered enough information, I still couldn’t think of what to say to him when we met.

Should I call him Lucien, or Ares?

At that moment, the elevator doors opened.

I subconsciously hid at the corner as I listened. I heard the sound of footsteps approaching closer and closer.

It was… a woman?

I couldn’t help but peek, and realized that she had already knocked on his door.

It was that girl in a black silk dress from my memories, whose face was exactly the same as mine. She smiled sincerely.

My heart was pounding rapidly, as I witnessed the office door being opened.

MC’s other self : “We finally met again, professor Lucien.”

------chapter 25-8-------

Her voice echoed in my ears. I could not see the expression Lucien had behind the door. I could only see the hemline of her dress as she entered his office.

I could almost hear my own heartbeat. I had so many questions and assumptions. I found myself walking towards the door eventually.

Why would she appear in this world again? Did she have anything to do with the Evol powers I had lost?

Why did she look for Lucien?

What is Lucien doing, exactly?

I felt like a mess. Then, I heard an abrupt, loud noise.

Shocked, I took a few steps back before noticing that the doors were not completely closed. I could hear Lucien’s voice through the gaps. He had a cold disposition, like an invisible blade.

Lucien: “You shouldn’t appear in front of me.”

MC’s other self: “Oh? I thought you were hoping you could see this face.”

I looked through the gaps, and took a deep breath.

The lights were not on, and Lucien stood in the shadows. The light seeping through the closed blinds was cast on his face.

Reflected on his eyes was… a murderous intent.

It was something I have never seen before in him.

It was an expression I’ve never witnessed.

According to my impression of him, he would never show his emotions so openly like this. Even as Ares, they were always carefully concealed.

He was holding a scalper, his icy stance revealed under the light.

MC’s other self: “Looks like Professor Lucien doesn’t welcome me here.”

MC’s other self: “But to kill me with your own hands… Can you really do it?”

Perhaps it was the cloud passing by outside, covering the sunlight that was present before, as a shadow was cast on Lucien’s face. I saw him tighten his grip on the blade he was holding.

Lucien: “You’re not her.”

His voice was deeper than usual, and I sensed danger.

I was unsure if I should enter and intervene what was about to unfold.

At that moment, the phone on Lucien’s desk rang.

MC’s other self: “I think… you should reconsider it again.”

MC’s other self: “I will visit you again next time.”

As I heard her voice, I retreated immediately and waited for her footsteps to disappear.

I paced my breathing for a long time before I was calm again, and I walked back towards the office.

The door was not fully closed, and I even forgot to knock. As I gently pushed the door open, I saw the state of him, and the state of his office.

The small office had a range of lab equipment, all kinds of books, and rich green plants lining the windows.

It was his usual habit.

Lucien sat by the window, with his back leaning against the cabinet.

I was unsure about the conflict that happened before I entered. I saw papers, pens, and pills scattered all over the floor.

His clothes were a little wrinkled, and his tie was loose. He looked so different compared to his disposition back at the lecture hall.

I didn’t know why, but I felt sadness.

There were emotions on his face that I couldn’t get close to. I felt that my heart would get tighter the more I looked.

Perhaps it was because I entered without a word, as he looked at me.

MC: “Lucien...”

He looked at me in a nostalgic way, but looked away the next moment.

He didn’t seem surprised by my presence, just like how he reacted when he saw me at the lecture before. I almost felt like I didn’t exist.

My visit to his research institute and his office were things he should not have expected.

Even if he expected so, he shouldn’t have acted like that.

I raised my voice, feeling a little infuriated.

MC: “Lucien!”

Lucien still didn’t respond.

I watched as he got up, picked up the things on the floor naturally, and completely treated me like air. The emotions I felt got more intense.

MC: “I’m calling out to you…”

Lucien: “Yes. I’ve heard you.”

Lucien: “I just wanted to… hear it a few more times.”

Lucien: “I didn’t think that you’d be angry… Right, you’ve always been like this all along.”

I saw him smile a little through the corners of his mouth. Apart from the little comfort I felt from his smile, I sensed a hint of…

Self depreciation?

Why would I feel this way?

His words felt a little strange to me, too.

However, his reaction comforted me. I composed myself and decided to ask him about the scene I saw before I entered.

His response threw me off guard.

Lucien: “Can we drop by the restaurant we went to yesterday?”

MC: “Huh?”

Lucien: “You don’t like that place?”

He looked up. He seemed to be completely calm, and had a gentle demeanor I never saw in a long time.

Lucien: “Visiting a different restaurant is fine too. After all, if we visit the same one everyday…”

He seemed to be talking to himself, and I quickly realized that something was off.

Yesterday? Going out everyday? Has he… met me during the time I was away?

Or, when I was away, in this world-- there was another me?!

------chapter 25-9-------

The sunlight through the blinds carried with it a light warmth, surrounding the small office.

I had too many things to ask him, but didn’t know where to begin.

If there was really another me in this world, then, my current self…

I suddenly felt that the distance between Lucien and me had been a century, despite us being a few steps apart physically.

MC: “Lucien, all this while... have you met me?”

He paused for a moment, and let out a smile.

Lucien: “Haven’t I always been able to see you?”

His response was still so strange, and I didn’t know how to react to that. I could only deal with my complex thoughts while being stopped in my tracks.

Lucien: “Was the lecture boring?”

MC: “What?”

Lucien: “I saw you daydreaming.”

MC: “No, I just haven't gotten used to it.”

After all, the information presented was too complex for me to understand.

If there was another me in this world with Lucien--

Lucien: “Actually, I felt bored too.”

Lucien: “But we still need to fill ourselves with the boring information, as though they can reduce the fear of what’s unknown.”

Lucien: “To be frank, it is merely ignorance.”

He pulled a chair as he spoke. He closed his eyes, leaned back, and raised his hand to pinch his nose bridge.

I felt his exhaustion, and I thought about the incident that took place during his lecture.

It’s fine if he saw me as someone else…

But in regards to the questions I have, I still want to talk it out clearly.

MC: “Did something happen involving the special task force? I heard that they revealed the incident about BLACK SWAN…”

I thought I saw a gleam in his eyes, like he wasn't expecting me to say that.

Lucien: “Should I be worried about insignificant things like that?”

MC: “What do you mean by insignificant? Isn’t this an important issue?”

MC: “BLACK SWAN had already been exposed, if your identity as Ares gets revealed--”

Lucien: “Such a thing will never happen.”

He looked into my eyes and patiently continued to explain.

Lucien: “Everything that they’ve done was all part of my plan.”

Lucien: “Except for that incident...the incident about you.”

As he said those words, his eyes seemed to darken, and I could sense the murderous intent in him that was present before.

Lucien: “I will stop this from happening.”

His voice was terrifying, and anxiety welled up in me as he spoke. I couldn’t help but reach out my hand towards him.

He was surprised by my action and dodged.

When he looked at me again, his gaze was a little frightening.

Lucien: “Has it… gotten this bad?”

I followed his gaze to the table top, and upon seeing pills on the table and the ones scattered on the floor, I realized something.

MC: “Lucien...are you unwell?”

He picked up a brown bottle of pills and looked at it before putting it back on the cabinet.

Lucien: “No, it was just an accident.”

Lucien: “What, are you worrying about me?”

MC: “Yes.”

I nodded to him as I spoke. I didn’t know why, but since I saw Lucien, I kept feeling strangely worried, and I finally let it out.

MC: “What’s going on with you, exactly?”

Lucien hesitated before turning around. His face was covered by the shadows, and his eyes seemed dull.

Lucien: “Why are you asking such a question?”

MC: “Because I think you’re acting very strangely.”

Lucien: “hm?’

MC: “First of all, I want you to take a look clearly, I am MC.”

He was silent for a long while, and spoke again with a hoarse voice.

Lucien: “Yes, I know.”

MC: “ I don’t know what exactly happened all this while.”

MC: “ Even if there is another MC around, she shouldn’t have let you be in this state.”

MC: “Now, I’m already back…”

Lucien laughed lightly.

I stopped, as my words were stuck in my throat. He was closely in front of me, and yet I felt so far away from him.

Lucien: “You seem different today.”

Lucien: “But you are similar to how you were in the beginning.”

MC: “In the beginning?”

Lucien: “Only that silly girl would ask such questions. It’s just that I haven’t heard it in a long time.”

Lucien: “And I will never hear it again.”

His voice was soft, yet it hit me. I suddenly realized something, but dared not continue to think about it.

He looked at me when he said those words, but it also felt like he wasn’t looking at me.

He seemed to be overwhelmed with emotions and I couldn’t distinguish them for a while.

I have never seen this side of him before.

It was unfamiliar, but it made my heart ache.

He sighed, and turned to look at the calendar on the desk behind.

Lucien: “So it has been such a long time.”

I’ve noticed that since two months ago on a Saturday, every day after that was marked.

Some of the days were marked with tiny dots, whereas some were messy circles that were scribbled over and over.

He took out a pen and scribbled on it a few times on today’s date.

Lucien: “I shouldn’t see you.”

I heard his voice getting weaker, and my rapid heartbeat seemed to hurt the back of my head.

Lucien: “But i was unable to control my desire to see you. As long as I think about you, you would appear.”

Lucien: “This is probably humanity’s biggest flaw. If we can really fully evolve, emotions should be eliminated first. ”

Lucien: “Yet, each time you appeared, you reminded me of my incapability.”

At a loss, I walked towards him.

Perhaps it was because I have never heard Lucien’s voice like this. Or maybe because I saw through his wounds.

There had never been another me.

To Lucien, there was only one MC in this world.

He looked at me bitterly.

Lucien: “So you’ve started looking at me like this too?”

Lucien: “Perhaps in my heart, these were my real thoughts.”

He paused, and his previously soft voice slowly turned into resolve.

Lucien: “So, these hallucinations are fine with me,”

Lucien: “MC,”

Lucien: “No matter what form you take, please continue to stay by my side.”

I understood everything completely. I understood why he was talking to himself, why he was so devastated, how much he missed me, and why he was acting abnormally.

I was also taken aback by my bold assumption.

I forced myself to suppress the tears that were going to overflow, and I smiled at him gently.

MC: “Okay.”

I leaned forward, and hugged Lucien tightly.

His broad shoulders were shaking visibly.

MC: “Lucien, it’s me.”

MC: “I am not your hallucination.”

MC: “I am back.”

------chapter 25- 10----

He was trembling in my arms, and we stayed in silence for a long while.

As the silence was going on for too long, I waited for him to speak.

He took a deep breath, and I felt an air of calmness from him.

I was a little worried, and was about to withdraw my hand from him, but he suddenly pulled me to his side.

His hands wandered around my skin delicately, like he was trying to confirm something. He squeezed my wrist so tightly, and I subconsciously stepped back.

Lucien: “Did I hurt you?”

MC: “No.”

He turned around to look at me, his eyes overwhelmed with too many complicated emotions, and eventually felt like a faint, gentle light.

Lucien: “When did you…”

MC: “When I woke up today, I found myself in the orphanage.”

I knew what he wanted to ask, and I tried my best to explain what happened to him as cheerily and energetically as I can. I felt like all the pain I went through were not important anymore.

MC: “I was looking to seek your help initially.”

Before I could finish talking, he held me tightly.

His embrace made me breathless.

I thought of the Lucien who was at that TV tower, the Lucien who got into a confrontation with me at the press conference, and the Lucien who had forgotten about me in the other world.

All this while, I thought that to him, I was merely a pawn named “Queen”.

I never thought that,,,

MC: “Lucien, thank you.”

His arms around me relaxed after the silence.

Lucien: “What are you thanking me for?”

MC: “Thank you...for wanting me to return.”

MC: “Also, you have told me the same words in the other places, and I guess now’s my turn.”

Lucien: “Other places? Do you mean the other worlds?”

Lucien: “I feel like I remember.”

I thought about what he said to be at Black Cabin, and thought that he might have memories from the other worlds.

MC: “What do you remember?”

Lucien: “Just a few scenes.”

MC: “When you were using your abilities, I was able to see what I’ve done in the other worlds,”

The word “Abilities” caught my attention, I looked at him solemnly as I pulled away from his embrace.

MC: “Lucien, there’s something I need your help with.”

Lucien: “About how you lost your Evol?”

His reply caught me off guard, and I could only nod.

MC: “You...how did you know?”

I looked at his darkened eyes, and recalled seeing this look in his eyes before.

Lucien: “I know all about it. You don’t have to worry.”

Lucien: “This has to be resolved slowly. You don’t have to think too much about it right now.”

He reached out and rubbed my hair, stood up to open the blinds by the window, and

sunlight filled the room in an instant.

I couldn’t help but reach out to cover my eyes from the sunlight. As I looked at Lucien, there was already a gentle smile on his face.

Lucien: “Let’s go.”

MC: “To where?”

Lucien: “Since you just returned, don’t you want to go home and take a look?”

I thought of the other world where I could not return to my house. The Lucien in front of me was familiar. He reminded me of the time when he first moved next to my house, and all the silly things I did.

Returning to my home sounded amazing.

Suppressing the warm feelings in my heart, I nodded to him.

Lucien held my hand as we walked out, greeting every researcher who passed us by.

Everyone’s expressions were full of surprise and curiosity. I tried to let go of his band in embarrassment, but he only held it tighter.

Lucien: “Do the opinions of others matter to you?”

MC: “Not really.”

He never let go of my hand on the way home.

When I saw the area I was so familiar with. I couldn’t help but yell in surprise.

Lucien just looked at me and followed on silently as he watched me run to the gate.

As the elevator continued to rise endlessly, I took out my key in excitement.

Suddenly, the elevator shook and I lost my balance. I fell into the warm embrace that smelled of flowers and plants.

Lucien: “Slow down.”

As the doors opened, I rushed out.

However, I realized that the key in my hands a while ago was gone.

MC: “Where did it go… it was clearly in my hands just now.”

I saw Lucien wave the key at me.

MC: “Why is it with you! Oh, just now, at the elevator…”

I reached out for my key, but he raised his hand, refusing to return it to me.

As I looked at him suspiciously, he gave me a helpless look.

Lucien: “Have you been gone for too long, and hence forgetting where your house is?”

MC: “huh?”

I looked at the door in front of me, and looked at it again and hesitated.

MC: “This should be right.”

Lucien: “So, are you coming to my house?”

Lucien: “if you have doubts, of course I’d welcome you.”

He spoke as he took out his key, reaching for the keyhole in front of me.

MC: “W-wait!”

MC: “I think I got it wrong! My house should be over here!”

MC: “Give me the key!”

I took him to the house next door and pulled my hand away.

At that time, I didn’t know what it meant as the door opened.

Lucien opened his hands, revealing a silver key. I could feel a subtle change in his eyes.

He looked at the excited girl, with a faint smile on his face.

Lucien: “Then, as your neighbor, can I come in and take a look?”

------chapter 25-13-------

MC: “It feels so great to be home!”

MC: “but when did you move back here again?”

Not bothering about changing into my slippers, I jumped into my soft couch and shoved my favorite pillow into my arms, feeling extremely satisfied.

Lucien: “After you left.”

Lucien sat beside me, and put on my slippers for me.

MC: “I’ll do it myself.”

I blushed and sat up straight as I looked about subconsciously.

My house was well maintained, just like how it looked like before I left. This feeling gave me the illusion that I haven’t left at all.

My room was still filled with fragrance.

Lucien: “What are you thinking about?”

Lucien handed me a glass of water.

MC: “Thinking about how I actually came back for real.”

MC: “Until now, I still can’t believe it.”

Lucien: “Yes, it’s a miracle.”

MC: “Did you think that I would never return?”

I deliberately asked him in an angry voice, but did not expect Lucien’s voice to turn heavy as his hands shook while holding on to the glass of water.

Lucien: “What matters is that you’ve returned, right?”

Lucien: “You won’t leave me again, right?”

I felt that something was wrong when I heard his words, and I straightened up.

MC: “I was only joking just now…”

He tensed up, like a bowstring fully stretched. As I felt that something was off, I felt worried.

I looked around the house, and searched for a topic I can talk about happily.

MC: “Oh,right! The plants along the windows..”

Upon seeing a row of healthy plants, I jumped in surprise, and I widened my eyes..

MC: “Even when I’ve neglected these plants for 6 months, they still grew up well and healthy…”

A black umbrella that was placed against the wall suddenly came into my sight.

I could even smell the fresh rain droplets on the folds of the umbrella.

MC: “Where did this umbrella come from?”

I shook my head, not noticing Lucien appearing behind me.

Lucien: “Come in.”

He pulled up the balcony doors.

I thought I was overthinking it, but I eventually realized that someone lived in this house.

To put it accurately, Lucien had lived here.

I closed the closer doors, and forced myself to calm down.

I then quietly left the bedroom and walked to the living room. I pretended nothing was wrong.

Even though the layout and the furniture were exactly like mine, I already felt suspicious at first glance.

But every corner of the house was full of his traces.

At that moment, he was sitting on the couch, reading a book. The warm yellow sunlight outside glowed around him, setting a peaceful atmosphere.

My chest felt tight, and my heart ached a little.

Perhaps...this was the only way for him to relax after all he had been through.

I sat on the couch while eating fruits, occasionally glancing at Lucien, who was reading,

Should I ask him about it? Or should I wait for him to tell me?

I contemplated, and couldn’t come up with a decision.

My glances towards him which I thought were well concealed, were noticed by Lucien. He walked towards me, and sat beside me on the floor.

Lucien: “Did you want me to sit here so you can stop peeking at me?”

I looked down, too afraid to look him in the eyes.

Lucien: “If you’re tired, do you want to sleep for a while?”

MC: “now? It’s still daytime.”

Lucien: “You should sleep.”

I looked at him, concerned, and nodded.

MC: “Then I’ll sleep here, okay?”

I patted the small sofa, good enough for a nap.

MC: “I want to sleep at a place where I can see you at the moment I open my eyes.”

His expression changed a little, but agreed nonetheless.

He took a blanket and attentively put it on me.

MC: “Remember to wake me up later.”

Lucien: “Okay.”

The room got dimmer and cooler as Lucien pulled down the curtains.

I turned to look at the tips of his hair, and noticed the familiar scent that was comforting as ever.

The tension in me eased. I slowly let my guard down, and closed my eyes.

After a long while, Lucien gently caressed the girl’s hair and her trembling eyelashes as she went through a nightmare.

Lucien: “Are you still able to see them?”

He gently smiled.

Lucien: “Just sleep soundly.”

Lucien: “As long as you want.”

------chapter 25- 15----

I opened my eyes peacefully, and could only see a weak, glowing light in the dim room.

It had been a long time since I slept so soundly. I stretched, and took a deep breath.

MC: “Lucien…”

My voice echoed in the room, and it was the only sound I heard. There was no response.

I got up anxiously, and realized that the sky had gotten dark. The time on my phone read 22:15.

MC: “I can’t believe I’ve slept for so long…”

I put my hand on my growling stomach, and went to the kitchen for food as I called out to Lucien.

Even though it was clear that Lucien lived here, I didn’t expect to see only drinks in the fridge. It was cleaner than how a home should be like after being vacant for 6 months.

Lucien: “He… Doesn’t he eat at all?”

I looked around the house once again, and sure enough, Lucien was not around.

Where did he go when it’s this late at night?

I thought I might as well go outside to look for him, and get some food on my way back.

I walked to the door and as I tried to open it, it was locked tightly.

I was shocked at that moment, but persistently tried to unlock it a few more times. The door wouldn't budge.

The door was locked from the outside.

My heart was beating rapidly, and my bare feet felt cold. I quickly took out my phone and tried to call Lucien.

Just then, the door opened.

Lucien was wearing his usual outerwear, and froze when he saw me.

Lucien: “Where are you going?”

MC: “I was going to look for you...Where did you go?”

Lucien: “To buy dinner.”

I watched as he put down the bags. There was no other expression on his face, and I felt a little troubled.

MC: “Even so, you didn’t have to lock the door…”

I complained softly, and Lucien didn’t respond. He didn’t explain much, either, as he simply took the food to the kitchen.

As I looked at him from behind, I felt strange.

A voice in my head urged me to ask him, yet another voice was convincing me to give him a little more time, as he had gone through a lot of pain and hardship.

But I couldn’t let us continue on like this.

I dismissed my thoughts, and called out to him.

MC: “Lucien…”

Lucien stopped and gently looked back. His jawline was clearer under the moonlight, and I realized that he had lost a lot of weight.

MC: “This is… your house, right?”

He paused, and turned to look at me.

Lucien: “Did you realize this from the start?”

Lucien: “Looks like using this method to bring you home was too abrupt, indeed.”

Lucien: “Can you forgive me?”

His unexpected honestly made me hesitate.

MC: “I...It’s not that I’m angry.”

MC: “You could have just told me.”

MC: “If you say it to me directly, I wouldn’t reject it.”

Both light and shadow were cast on his eyes, as he looked at me quietly.

Lucien: “Okay, I got it.”

MC: “Huh?”

Lucien:Just now you’ve said that you won't reject me.”

Lucien: “So, can we have dinner now?”

...This person is too shameless!

The clock’s hand fell on “12”.

Hearing the sound of water coming from the bathroom, I anxiously rested on the sofa.

Losing my Evol, the released list of evolvers, the odd things Hypnos said, and Lucien acting strangely...

I found myself unable to focus on finding back my Evol, and all I could think of was this person.

I had so many mixed thoughts. I walked to the desk, and wanted to write my feelings in my journal, like how I had always done before. However, the cabinet was empty.

Oh, right… that was Lucien’s house.

I still should go back to my own house. At least, I should retrieve what was important to me.

I went to the closet and saw Lucien’s coat.

In the pockets of his coat, there was a silver key gleaming under the lamp.

I thought I should just go home for a little while… It should be fine, right?

As I reached out to grab the key, I heard the door open softly.

My heart skipped a beat as I turned about. I couldn't breathe at that moment.

There were still droplets on his face, and I didn’t dare to look at his cold, narrow eyes.

MC: “Lucien? I…”

Before I could finish, I felt a pain in my wrist. He grabbed my wrists tightly before I could scream.

Unable to resist his strength, I fell towards him, and I felt the world spin around me. My back hurt a little due to the impact, but what hurt me more was the expression the man in front of me had.

One of his hands was on the door as he shoved me against the wall. I could almost see the panic in his eyes.

I was dumbfounded and my body felt cold. I accidentally bumped into the light switch behind me, and the room went dark.

Lucien: “Didn’t you say that you won't leave me?”

His cold tone reminded me of the vision I saw in my dream.

My vision felt hazy, and even though I managed to escape countless times in my mind, I still couldn't avoid it then.

I was tensed, like I was being suffocated.

It felt like I was being overwhelmed by an immense shadow. My body trembled as I tried to break free, but I couldn’t move my hands.

Lucien’s eyes gleamed as he seemed to have thought of something. He looked down and leaned on my shoulder gently.

His soft hair brushed against my cheeks, and the pressure on my wrists were loosened gradually. At that moment, I swiftly pulled away subconsciously.

Lucien: “I’m sorry.”

Lucien: “It seems that I’ve hurt you time and time again.”

His hand gently touched my neck, as his fingertips slightly trembled.

I felt bitter. I bit my lip and turned away firmly.

Lucien: “I’m sorry.”

Lucien: “These words... are for you back then.”

Lucien: “Mc… can you still forgive me?”

The haze in front of me subsided gradually, as I heard his breathing on my ears, close and warm. I calmed down a little.

I looked at Lucien, and lowered my eyes after a long while.

MC: “ I can’t.”

*glass shattering sound* Something seemed to be shattered in the soundless room.

------------------------------

#mlqc #loveproducer #loveandproducer #love and producer #mrlove #mr love queen's choice #mr love dream date #mlqc translation #mlqc chapter 25 #mr love queen's choice translation #love and producer translation

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930club · 7 years

Audio

ALBUM REVIEW: J. Cole - 4 Your Eyez Only

Ten featureless tracks of hard-hitting, brilliant, and bluesy hip-hop. If you haven’t yet listened to J. Cole’s new album, 4 Your Eyez Only, it’s one of my New Year’s resolutions to change that ASAP. Never heard of J. Cole? Take it from credible sources like Drake, Jay Z, Kevin Durant, and even President Obama that this 31-year-old rapper’s music is what you should be filling your ears with in 2017. This album is especially resonant in the modern environment of police brutality, but the album doesn’t ring as aggressively as those from Cole’s colleagues in the rap game. Each song chronicles a story, manifesting countless emotions and painting a deep, pensive lament, as opposed to the shallow picture of rage that is easier to understand. “The voice of the voiceless,” as Ibrahim Haram (@KingOfQueenz) calls Cole, his album generates a parallel story from a perspective that isn’t his, as many fans theorized. Confirmed by co-producer Elite, who says, “the album is largely from a perspective that is not J. Cole[‘s],” 4 Your Eyez Only humanizes the problems existing for countless, platform-less African Americans today via an allegory lived by Cole’s friend, James MacMillan Jr. (name changed for privacy). Elite also touches on just how important keeping the theme, message, and commentary clear was in choosing the tracks to include on the album. The result is a craftily-curated album that tells the story of someone who is gone to their daughter. Cole, a social media hermit, has yet to confirm whether his friend is the subject matter, but regardless, the vibrancy of the feelings expressed, paired with the truth in the general stories, gives a voice to those people lost in the discriminatory system.

The first track, “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” sets the morose tone of the platform J. Cole uses to deliver his heavy message. The vibe-machine triplets, paired with flugelhorn licks soaring above, create space for a waterfall of thoughts about death, its inevitability, and what should be done in the meantime to make life worthwhile. Lines like “Do I wanna die? I don’t know” and “Tired of feelin’ low, even when I’m high” pivot off of themes in Cole’s previous albums, highlighting his own depression. The song is not so self-indulgent, instead representing the pain and exasperation that comes from the deaths of many. A reflection on his current environment, Cole’s titling of the song could be paying homage to two artistic works: a poem by John Donne bearing the same name, or the famous work by Ernest Hemmingway. Donne’s poem preaches peace; the lines “Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee” connect the speaker to the death of others. This is especially pertinent in the plight of African Americans during the search for a solution to systematic violence and institutionalized racism in the United States. J. Cole echoes this tone as he hears the bell getting louder; preparing for death, searching for a solution, but knowing the bell tolls for “he” (whether it is his perspective or James’). Ernest Hemmingway’s novel recounts the story of an American soldier in the Spanish Civil War, in which case the title could act as a parable for the man whose story Cole is telling. The friend is also a soldier, but in the fight against poverty through pushing drugs. In both stories, the soldier meets a girl (see later songs) and no longer wants to be a part of the war.

“Immortal” answers the panicked searching of the first track with powerful solace. The song is “ripe with pain” and raw energy toward deaths of people of color. Cole’s friend, who was a drug dealer killed, is most likely the subject of this track as Cole has previously made known that he never dealt. His answer to the macabre musings in the previous track is that “real n***as don’t die.” This line serves to remind the public that those who died, if seen as good in the eyes of loved-ones, don’t really die. By impacting others, their impression remains long after they pass. The aggressive nature of the song and the tough-guy bite to the verse adds another meaning to the line. It’s almost as if “James” is convincing himself that if he’s a “real n***a,” he won’t die. Someone close to me once said that risky business pays off, but you live a life convincing yourself that “bad things happen to other people.” This cocky attitude and the payoff of the business usually keep people in it for life.

“Deja Vu” tells the story of a girl Cole couldn’t catch due to her status as a friend’s girlfriend. The song resonates in that lonely space in the head of anyone eyeing a crush from a distance. A familiar theme in previous Cole albums, the story of an untouchable femme this time takes a different ending. Manifested in the bitter hook that “she f*** with small town n****s, I got bigger dreams,” he takes a new course of action: focusing on his dreams. The tone is more laidback; instead of pushing for the girl and having his way, he talks himself down while the girl’s voice (sung by a background singer) echoes close enough to hear, but tauntingly distant.

Though Cole seems to sit steady with his bigger dreams by the end of the previous track, the next song, “Ville Mentality,” recounts a melancholy awakening to the fact that things won’t change if dreams stay dreams. In his 2014 documentary, Forest Hills Drive: Homecoming, he talks about how people in his hometown may have dreams, but the mentality is to put your head and heart into the limited opportunities available in small towns to simply survive. The term “ville mentality” was first coined in his track “Can I Holla At Ya” on his extended playlist “Truly Yours.” This theme resonates through the entire album, where J. Cole’s friend, who chooses to deal, questions, “How long will I survive with this mentality?” Featuring a girl from a school in Fayetteville (Cole’s hometown), the existence of this reality is proliferated when her interview talks about losing her dad in a set up. Artistically, the girl’s voice appears as the voice of Cole’s friend’s daughter, to whom he is telling the story, bringing humility to the nameless who are affected by loss like this. In reality, the fact that Cole can pull stories like this from random children at a school in Fayetteville emanates the album’s higher message and is quite possibly the reason Cole doesn’t reveal who the album is about. It isn’t just about his friend or Cole himself – it is about anyone who is given limited opportunity and does all they can to be stable in their world, but remains trapped, unable to touch their true dreams. The unequal opportunities for African Americans – the tendency for them to systematically be pushed into this trap – is substantiated by the song “Immortal” with the lines, “They tellin' n****s sell dope, rap or go to NBA, in that order. It's that sort of thinkin' that been keepin' n****s chained At the bottom and hanged,” perfectly summing up the mentality.

“She’s Mine Pt. 1” has one of the most haunting piano, string, and vocal melodies I have recently found in hip-hop. That’s of course an opinion, but the simplistic production that backs the poem in the verse softens the entire album up until this point. Falling in love for the first time – a feeling exposed in many songs, at many tempos, in many tonalities, in many genres – is here painted in a melancholy, bluesy timbre. I feel the pain and fear that is trying to let go and fall in slow motion toward someone else. The climax of the album’s storyline is represented in this track; he “Don't wanna die (Don't wanna die no more).” The voice now has someone to live for, the modal harmony representing the fear and sadness in minor and beauty and power in major resolve. Now, of all moments, is where someone trapped in a dangerous life wants out the most, foreshadowing the falling action in the album.

The first verse of “Change” recounts the themes of wisdom and confidence in “Immortality,” but in a less aggressive, more upbeat fashion. It’s almost as if Cole is no longer convincing himself through his spirituality that “real n****s don’t die.” He is at peace with the idea that God realizes people make mistakes and intuitively knows that things change — that there are always better days. “The only real change come from inside” proves that fear, pessimism, and living one’s failure is a self-fulfilled prophecy. The best thing one can do is have faith in change and continue to do the things that are right. Cole condemns opulence and materialism in his reference to the “prodigal son,” warning that luck shouldn’t be confused with reward. Faith must be lived out, with change coming from inside, constantly pushing against the vile mentality without “neglecting the execution.” He dissuades against “following homies” because time is too short to live based on what the outside tells to you do. Instead, decisions should be based on love, not economics, as well as on yourself and who you want to be at the end of the day. The end of the verse is the first mention of James MacMillan Jr.’s death and combines the inner desires for vengeance with the speaker’s words in a vigil. Thoughts of vengeance revert the song’s theme back to the tragedy that the black community often faces, inspiring cyclical violence in revenge – a cycle that comes when people “Give up, give in, (and)…move back a little.” Change can come from the perception of death and whether the resulting actions of those effected will change them in a way that pushes people closer to the edge of more death, or whether it will convince them to break out in desperation to change to something better.

The song “Neighbors” is purportedly “inspired by true events,” and Elite talks about the story behind the album in his interview with Complex. Sheltuh, where a lot of the songs on the album are creatively rooted, is a house that Cole rents in North Carolina as a safe space for Dreamville artists and collaborators to work on their art in peace. The house is in a predominantly white neighborhood and with mostly African American artists arriving and hanging around the space, the nearby neighbors became paranoid enough that a “million-dollar investigation” with a SWAT team commenced. Fortunately, all of the artists were out of the house and audio engineer Juro “Mez” Davis came back from his lunch break to watch the investigation fail miserably, as all they could find was a studio. This story and the song incepted are the perfect example of what causes the cyclical violence. J. Cole has no record, so for a large investigation to be called on assumption indicates the institutionalized racism in our country. It’s racism that Cole wants to escape, but honestly thinking he can’t is something that shakes the very foundation of equal protection in our country. If everyone scoffs at your dreams, “Even when your crib sit on a lake, Even when your plaques hang on a wall, Even when the president jam your tape,” it makes one want to give up. People will believe what they want, so Cole says he is selling dope, “so much for integration, don’t know what I was thinkin’,” something unfathomable by those privileged enough to be born out of such of a reality. Why would he give up if that is what this whole album is about? The enterprising sarcasm in this song is also answered by change that comes from the inside. If instead of making your life about what others want – striving for the “right” promotions, the “right” image – you will BE someone to everyone else, but you might not DO anything. It is a matter of choosing which is most important to you and sticking to what comes from within.

Refusing to dwell in the mentality for too long, Cole returns to the feeling of escape and love with “Foldin Clothes.” The groove on this track is funky as hell and one can’t help but smile at a whole song about doing laundry for a loved one. Whimsical lines about almond milk, Netflix, and other “simple things” that “say ‘I love you’” draw the listener in. After all, “The right thing, feels so much better than the wrong thing,” and this song makes you feel good. The pacing of the piece lets people feel comfortable in the love and the escape from the hard-hitting reality. It doesn’t rest in funky love for too long, though; as in life, the track returns to the hard-hitting reality that is amplified by contrast in the third verse. It lays out the reality of living the hustle. “N****s in the hood is the best actors” because they act the second life, abandoning sweetness for a struggle, not letting their brothers see they’re “soft.” Living a second life like that hardens one’s soul and confuses a person’s reality with what they feel they must do to survive. This is the true plague of the ville mentality: the situation that African Americans live in today puts them in such a place that it isn’t a choice to be rough and hard because it’s cool – it’s a choice of survival. Not only is the lifestyle dangerous, unfair, and unfulfilling, but many people who exist on the other side only see it through a rose-colored window pane in pop culture. This is confirmed in the final track, “4 Your Eyez Only,” where the third verse laments the skewed version of what a “real n****” is” set by mixtapes, friends, and so on.

“She’s Mine Pt. 2” represents the falling in love that happens upon the birth of your first child. Again, the haunting mode develops a melancholy picture where, after bringing someone into the world out of love, there is pain in introducing them to the world of materialism, violence, and fear – a world where a father isn’t even sure if he is strong enough to quit his bad habits for something that feels so brilliant. The narrative on the album further emerges, supporting the theory about it being from another man’s perspective, as Cole seems to talk to a small girl. The power and spiritual awakening that come from the gifted moments in life are enough to make one question their lifestyle and bring change from within. Unfortunately, though, change needs to come from everyone’s insides to change to the world — it is not a magic wand that can make the evil disappear.

The resolve in finding someone or something bigger than you is beautiful and heartbreaking. The heartbreak comes at the end of the story, in the next track, “4 Your Eyez Only.” Our narrator lets his dreams fade for “far too long” and he faces “deadly consequences” – the death foreshadowed in “Change.” The verse outlines the crooked system that washes away the dreams of Cole’s friends, replacing them with the “ville mentality.” The stress of providing for a wife and family is all he can think of, and his only wish is that his daughter can understand him through the verse. He hopes that she understands that no one is born with the mentality, praying that she can be tired of the lifestyle before it even takes over her dreams. The “real n****” created by the media, mentioned above, and preached by the father-to-be is, in fact, false. He asks that she find someone with goals and points of view – things that J. Cole preaches helped bring him out of poverty. In the final verse, Cole raps in his own words to his friend’s daughter, telling her about when her daddy told him what to say. Cole’s perspective rings loud and clear when he recounts all the things that her dad did that could have made him a “real n****” in some people’s eyes. Pushing with all his lyrical and artistic might, Cole wants to her know: “Your daddy was a real n**** ‘cause he loved you.”

That line shook me and caused me to shed some tears because somehow love, education, and unique perspectives have lost power to what it takes to survive in your own skin. For some people, this is doing drugs; for others, it is making money, but I sincerely hope that in the new year, everyone finds something that is bigger than themselves, even if it means pushing against what everyone else says is cool and likeable. Change is inevitable, but channeling the direction of that change is not. Change comes from within, and I wish for everyone to keep looking inside themselves in order to send that change in the right direction for you, even if it’s along the road less traveled. J. Cole recognizes that the type of change needed to heal wounds isn’t going to be easy, but his perspective is real in my eyes, and real isn’t always easy.

-Erin Jones

#Album Review #J. Cole #4 Your Eyez Only #For Whom the Bell Tolls #Immortal #Deja Vu #Ville Mentality #She's Mine #Change #Neighbors #Foldin Clothes #Forest Hills Drive #Erin Jones

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