#weve been thinking So Fucking Hard these past like. 2 days

[thewebcomicsreview]

Homestuck 2 has updated! Christmas is ruined!

Previously, on Homestuck 2: Literally nothing happened, and a non-trivial portion of the patreon supporters gave up and quit. Can this update pull a Christmas miracle and right the sinking ship of Homestuck 2? Probably not, but let’s find out! 

We’re back in Candyland, having completely skipped over Karkat and John talking about Dave’s apparent death, because this comic is only interested in long conversations when they’re boring and not about anything at all. That’s alright, I got the gist of it.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

So, it appears to be morning now, meaning that John’s son has been missing in a war zone for almost 24 hours and I guess John literally forgot Harry existed?

Prediction: This conversation is going to end in some variant of “Where is our son?” “Oh shit!”

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid

ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid

ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

What.

So, I went back and checked, and apparently nowhere is it explicitly said that Harry Anderson was also looking for the Vriskas, so I guess he....stayed home? Which makes sense, I suppose, but maybe a “Stay here I’ll go look for them” would’ve helped. I wasn’t the only one who thought Harry was out looking for Vriska too. 

ROXY: sup

ROXY: follow me

ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way

JOHN: haha ok.

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

Is Roxy....horny? Is the solid she’s looking for John’s dick? I mean, that’d make her saying Harry wasn’t available kind of weird, but I think this framing is a fake-out.

...

What the fuck is that lamp, Jesus Christ it’s awful. Just a cat’s asshole, facing the door.

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert

JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding.

JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

Oh hey, it was a fakeout. Good job, Homestuck 2. You successfully implied something just through the art. Art which, by the way, looks a lot better than the last chapter. There are backgrounds and everything. I wonder if Chapter 15 was rushed out due to Hiveswap and that’s why it was so weak?

He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

I’m not the biggest fan of the way the narration is going JOHN IS AFRAID OF SEX WITH ROXY LIKE HE’S A TEENAGE VIRGIN AGAIN (LIKE IN HS1!) AND IT DOESN’T REALLY MAKE SENSE PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER, but okay, noted.

ROXY: u said ur house is gone??

JOHN: yep.

JOHN: completely.

ROXY: jeez

Heh. I like Roxy, still. 

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

If this comic actually uses the phrase “home” and “stuck” in the same sentence I’m turning this blog around and we’ll go right back to Winnipeg.

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

I feel unqualified to talk about how hard Roxy is pushing the June Egbert thing.

....Is that the fucking portal from Hiveswap under a tarp? Also hi Candy Callie, appearing in HS2 for the first time. One of the Calliope’s is nonbinary, I think, but I honestly can’t remember and I think it’s Meat Calliope? 

JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is?

ROXY: hmmmmmm no

JOHN: oh ok.

JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room.

JOHN: space.

JOHN: wherever we are.

ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now

ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi

ROXY: and by that i mean

ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn

JOHN: right, sorry.

JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain.

ROXY: u catch on fast egbert

Oh thing HS2 has not been great at is that it has a lot of plot mysteries that are supposed to keep us enticed but they don’t really get implanted into the audience’s head (Remember Vrissy mysteriously collapsing that one time? Probably not, she did it off screen and the boys kind of laughed it off). This one’s hard to miss.

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs?

JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done.

ROXY: well no not x actly

ROXY: were in the old meteor

It’s kind of weird how this meteor keeps popping up like this. 

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

This is an unexpected but not unwelcome direction for Callie to have gone.

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes?

Oh, wow, we’re going right there, then. This does seem like a bit of a reaction to complaints HS2 wasn’t shmoovin’ enough, but maybe I’m reading too much into it.

CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole.

JOHN: ok.

A’ight, that got a laugh out of me

JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it!

JOHN: i'm so sorry.

JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ):

I like this conversation a lot. 

ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you

JOHN: listen.

JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given.

Quite a bit, in fact.

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

Roxy and John have a good dynamic. 

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

JOHN: ...right.

John’s phone has very good coverage, since he was able to talk to Terezi in the epilogues, as we’re being subtly reminded of here with that ... before the “right”. I wonder if it still works after alt-Calliope left.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

Okay, so we are now being explicitly told that living in the black hole is fucking with the characters and is part of the reason they make such baffling decisions, like Rose not telling Kanaya about Yiffy, or naming her daughter “Yiffy” in the first place.

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

So, the plan is literally for Vriska to be such a Huge 8itch that the black hole itself gets sick of her and yeets Earth C out of its own event horizon to freedom.

This is actually a great plan. 

And that’s Hamsteak. This definitely feels like a bit of a reaction to complaints about HS2, but hey, I dig it, I guess? Definite improvement over the last chapter.

#homestuck #homestuck 2 liveblog

[youralternantpersonality]

New Me

OC x Reader then Embry x Reader

Warning: abusive tactics are used in this second part.

Part 1: “Gaslight” by Snow Tha Product

Part 2: “New Me” by Ella Eyre

Part 3: “Falling for You” by Tamia

***

Ella Eyre here, it's a new me Didn't have time when you knew me Why you tryna call like booty, oh, yeah, yeah

Take a step back and 180 I could play you like you played me (yeah) I really don't care for it lately, though, yeah, yeah

Over the past few weeks, Isaac would try to grasp my attention. At first, it was, well, indifferent. By all means, I was not going to take him back. I was stupidly in love with him, not stupid in general. He would text me different things like “can I come over”, “babe let’s talk about this,” and my favorite one, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said.” It was comical really. So, for the fun of it, I thought I’d talk to him after school, just to see what his lame-ass would say this time.

“Y/n/n, are you seriously going to talk to him?” Kim asked, leaning into Jared for support of pure affection. I shrug my shoulders.

“Yeah, why not? He doesn’t have a shot in hell with getting back together with me. So, why not give me something to laugh at?” I said with chips in my mouth.

“Give who something to laugh about what?” Embry said, sitting next to me. Over the past few weeks, Embry, Jared, and Paul invited themselves to our table for no reason. Just, literally, took a seat next to us, introduced themselves, then proceeded a conversation with us as if we all knew one another and hung out with each other regularly.

“Y/n/n is going to allow Isaac to explain to her why he is an ass and beg for her forgiveness.” She says nonchalantly. Embry’s eyes go wide.

“Why? Are you thinking about taking him back?” He said looking straight into my y/e/c eyes. I smiled and shook my head no. It was hard to talk around him. It's one thing to admire him from afar, it’s another to sit next to him and attempt to have a normal conversation. Noticing my incoherent ways, Kim jumped in.

“She just wants to see what he’d come up with an officially laugh in his face. Almost like revenge, only without the spitefulness.”

“But her doing this is spiteful.” Paul shot back.

“Yes, but that’s not the point,” Kim argued. “The point is, she’s doing it, and we’re going to support her. Then we’ll later look back at this moment and not regret it because it will be funny as shit.”

“Hopefully a thing of the past,” Embry said underneath his breath.

“I’ll let you guys know how it goes.” I move to get up to head to class, “See you guys later.”

You need to change your story, bae Tell me you want to talk It's not what you came here for This heart is ghost, that girl you know Don't live behind that door Anymore, nah

Ella ain't here, it's a new me I don't make time for your foolin' Kinda got things to be doin', oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me Ella ain't here for your problems (what?) Left-right-left, keep on walkin' Shoulda took care of your diamonds, oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me

After school, I met Isaac in the parking lot next to my car. In a distance, I could see Embry’s deep brown eyes watching us. His glare at Isaac wasn’t shy of anyone around. Embry had a deep hatred for Isaac for multiple reasons. One, because of how he treats women (worse than Paul; at least Paul lets you know he’s not serious, Isaac will lead you on and drop you like you were nothing), and two, because they have a history. Isaac would bully Embry and his friends a lot of the time. When I found out about it, I confronted him. Thus, starting the downfall of our relationship. Trust and reassure that, by no means, was it Embry’s fault. Isaac was just an ass. And as soon as the gods blessed Embry, Isaac backed off quickly.

“Let’s get this over with Isaac. What do you want?” I said in an irritating and bored tone.

“Geeze, no hug? No ‘hey Isaac’?” he asked as if he deserved it.

“No. So what did you want?” Looking at him. We were the same height. I was “5’10” to his “5’11ish”. His intimidation game never worked on me and by the looks of Embry and his “6’2” fine ass, he was no intimidation to him either.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing since we took our break.” He shrugged.

“Boy, are you stupid or a dumbass?” I said squinting at him.

“What did you just say?” He said in a rough tone. In the corner of my eye, I could see Embry straighten up and Paul and Jared stopping him from coming over here.

“Break? What break? We broke up. Completely done.” I said as if it was a clear and obvious statement. He laughed at my statement and had the audacity to say what he said afterward.

“You’re crazy Y/n. We never broke up. We just needed a break from one another to see what we wanted. All these other girls don’t matter babe. You do. And only you.” He says grabbing my waist, pulling me towards him. I pushed away from him.

“The fuck is wrong with you? Are you dense or just stupid? We’re done. Leave me alone. Don’t text me, don’t call me, don’t even talk or look at me,” I tried to push his hands off me, but he held on tighter when I tried, “and don’t fucking touch me you bastard.” He glared at me and before he could say anything, he was on the ground.

“What the- “

“Embry, stop. I’m okay.”

“Don’t you know, when a woman says stop, you leave her alone. It’s called consent. Maybe someone should teach it to you some time.” He was visibly shaking. I grabbed his face to look at me and he let Isaac go.

“I’m fine. I promise.” I look at him with a small smile.

Got a new phone, got a new key Got my girlfriends and the new weve And I don't do what I used to When you call me tryna come through

'Cause Ella ain't here, it's a new me I don't make time for your foolin' Kinda got things to be doin', oh It's a new-new me, it's a new-new me

Why do you think you can come here? Not a doormat, it's your assumptions (No) Never did care what I wanted, oh, ah

You’d think Isaac would stop bothering me after Embry, indirectly, warned him that he’d kill him if he bothered me again. But no, see Isaac had this personality where he was persistent, and it was both irritating and noteworthy. Obviously, from here on, it is irritating and just plain harassing at this point.

To think, I was hoping that this was going to be something to look back at and laugh at. No, at this point, it was a game to him. And all I had to do was make sure Embry, nor myself, played it.

Lemme just say you're a killjoy Lovin' the sound of your own voice Think you talk smart but it's just noise, oh oh yeah

You need to change you story, bae Tell me you want to talk It's not what you came here for This heart is ghost, that girl you know Don't live behind that door Anymore, nah

Ella ain't here, it's a new me (new me) I don't make time for your foolin' Kinda got things to be doin', oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me Ella ain't here for your problems (what?) Left-right-left, keep on walkin' (walkin') Shoulda took care of your diamonds, oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me

Got a new phone, got a new key Got my girlfriends and the new weve And I don't do what I used to When you call me tryna come through

This continued onward for weeks. By this time, it was finals and graduation was just around the corner. Kim, Clair, and I have been helping the guys for their finals. Jacob and Quil had officially joined our little friend group and Clair finally got her baby daddy’s attention. It was cringy watching them flirt around one another until Paul, of course, called them out on it. Ever since it’s been smooth sailing with all of us.

Throughout this time, Embry and I had gotten closer. Where his attractiveness was hypnotizing, I tried to not let it get to me too much. However, he would find any excuse to see me outside of the school grounds with everyone. And to be honest, ever since we started doing that, it had been wonderful…Except for the fight that nearly broke out when Isaac cornered me after school one day—a day Embry, Jake, and Quil wasn’t there. Unknowing to him, Paul and Jared were watching closely

'Cause Ella ain't here, it's a new me (new me) I don't make time for your foolin' Kinda got things to be doin', oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me

Not now, never Not now, never Not now, never No, never, no Not now, never Not now, never Not now, never No, never, no

Not now, never Not now, never Not now, never No, never, no Not now, never Not now, never Not now, never No, never, no

Ella ain't here, it's a new me I don't make time for your foolin' Kinda got things to be doin', oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me Ella ain't here for your problems Left-right-left, keep on walkin' Shoulda took care of your diamonds, oh It's a new-new me, it's a new me

I was walking to my car beyond after hours finishing up my English paper for my final. Thankfully Mrs. Cartwright hated giving tests and decided to just have us do a massive five-page paper over Macbeth. Trying to hurry along since the rain was about to pick up. As I make it to my door, a set of hands grabs onto my waist and pulls me to a body. A hand goes over my mouth and a familiar voice whispers in my ears.

“I’m tired of you running away from me Y/n,” Isaac said pushing me into the side of my car. His eyes were bloodshot, and he smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. I pushed him back easily, and he stumbled backward to another teacher’s car. I unlocked my door and threw my stuff inside.

“Go home, Isaac. Don’t fuck up your future just because you decided to go psycho on someone.” I tell him, turning my back to get in the car, he grabs me and tosses me on the ground. My head hitting the asphalt as he towered over me.

“You will listen to me! You left me, you bitch! For that piece of shit Embry,” he spat, “You’re nothing but a whore!” He said, grabbing me to sit me up. And for once I was terrified of him. He lifted his arm to backhand me, but before it could touch me, it was caught.

“Lay another figure on her, and Embry isn’t going to be the one you need to worry about.” I look up to see Paul, Jared, and these other two kids who I later learned to be Seth and Leah.

Got a new phone, got a new key Got my girlfriends and the new weve Glad I don't do what I used to When you call me tryna come through

'Cause Ella ain't here, it's a new me I don't make time for your foolin' Kinda got things to be doin', oh It's a new-new me, it's a new-new me

As much as I wanted to put this behind me, I couldn’t. I didn’t want this to happen to any other girl who may come across him. So, I filed a police report. With the security footage the school caught, it was easy to put a protective order and charge him with harassment and assault.

After that day, Embry barely left my side. I was honestly fine with it, having him near made me safe. Over the summer, we hung out more and more each day. The more we hung out, the more confidence grew between us when we shared slight touches. On the beach, with just us, he’d make sure to comfort me and keep my anemic ass warm. Or when we’d go hiking, I noticed that he’d find the steepest trails so that he could hold my hand.

“Okay, Embry, can I make a suggestion.”

“Sure.” He said with excitement.

“No more steep hills, okay boo? I get that you’re fit. I do, and quite frankly, it’s lovely. But your girl over here is dying. Am I grateful for the weight-loss journey I am experiencing? Yes. But can a girl keep up? No, not yet at least.” He smiles and laughs under his breath at my exhaustion. I hit him in the stomach for his reaction.

“Alright, alright. No more steep hills, boo.” He smiles, eyes shining bright at the word I just called him.

“Just for that, you’re carrying me down. Ain’t no way in hell I’m doing that shit.” I say, jokingly, while laughing.

“Okay,” He shrugs his shoulders then proceeds to lift me while going down the trail.

“I was joking! Put me down! You’re going to hurt yourself!” I yell at him.

“Naw. I’m good. Plus, you’re not even heavy. So, stop moving before I accidentally drop you. The last thing I want to do is see my girl crying. Jesus, that’d kill me.” He said. I look at him with wide eyes and smile.

“So, I’m your girl, huh?” I look at him. He stops and looks down at me and smiles.

“Yeah, basically. Wait, you’re okay with that? Right?” He looks at me worrisome. “I don’t want you to think I’m forcing you into anything.” I couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“No, Em, you’re perfectly fine. I promise.” I smile sweetly at him and we continue onward in silence. 

#embrycall #embrycallxreader #embry call x reader #embry-call-x-reader #embry call #embrycallembrycallxreaderembry call x readerembry-call-x-readerembry calltwilighttwilightsagatwilightwolfpackembry call twilight #twilight #twilightsaga #twilightwolfpack #embry call twilight #new moon #newmoon #eclipse #breaking dawn #breakingdawn #breakingdawnpartone #BreakingDawnPart2 #breakingdawnpart1 #midnightsun #midnight sun #Bella Swan #bella cullen #bellaswan #bellacullen #edward cullen #edwardcullen

[fuckthisblog]

I need to spend more time on tumblr I forgot how calming this was.

I haven’t blogged since April it looks like so fuck...uuhhhh i used to make mini timelines on here and idek how to sum it all up but imma give it a shot for future me cause i always like to come back and read these - gonna go back in time a little to get the full covid picture but it ends with talking about the woods walk that lead to this video which brings me SO MUCH JOY

march 12th ~ last day i was at clinicals before it cancelled april 1st - online class stuff officially starts happening it probably happened before this but this is when i made a record of it. started anatomy review n shit for big ass exam april 5th - judging by my writing.. depression kicks in hard but also studying WAYYY too much every damn day april 14th ~ big deal first job interview april 17th ~ did the breakup thing, think that was the last time i wrote on here april 29th - found out big ass certification test on may 20th is scheduled for TBD ~ also found out i  got the job but awsjhcfksdjhk now certifcation is postponed for got knows when may 1st - journal says “i got to see syd and i feel better”, dont think i realized how hard the breakup feels were hittin me cause i remember casually hanging out n then suddenly crying may 13th - slept through last day of my fucking class like a goddamn depressed dummy may 18 n 19 n 20 - miss kitty to the er, and then to her nuero appointment and they think brain tumor but cant afford MRI but prednisone instantly makes her better. all the scared feels of losing her and class being done and no certification exam in sight and just general awful nothingness floating through the void (still studying way too much everyday day) seems like i saw kirk like every other weekend idk how to feel about that im the worst w clean breakups may 21st ~ technically ive graduated but it feels like nothing. also idk if he did it this day or the next but kirk dropped off flowers and a card and a you did it! smiley face thing with a grad cap on that yells YOU DID IT whenever u touch it lol may 26th ~ study sesh w shawna n jordan i know i did other study seshs w them too but idk when, and then home and parents had signs made on the lawn to congratulate me graduating, and then sydney got dropped off and we headed to rhode island may 28th ~ very interesting/bad/idk wtf mushroom trip. adderall was still in my system and i dont think my body liked that mix and then i took xanax to try to calm down but theyre not pharm approved xanax so i just lost some time but syd took awesome care of me and we laughed about this weird juicy couture dress idk even though it was bad it was great cause i was with her. i do remember petting miss kitty and she had like overlapping colored outlines and looked very ethereal and it kept me calm while syd was outside. before the trip was great too i went to ocean state job lot and syd and i made a bonfire and ate donuts n delicious coffee milkshakes honestly it was all great slept entire day after bad trip but then wokeup and immediately started studying again lmao june 1st - called the people to try to get my test scheduled but that was a no go june 4th - letter arrives can actually schedule test - schedule for 16th STUDY STUDY DIE DIE DIE STUDY DIE STUDY DIE SHdkjceshkfchsdjc june 16th - FUCKIN PASSED MY TEST june 30th - mask fitting n stuff july 1st - good hangs w syd im lucky to have her july 5th - go to the fells for the first time in FUCKIN FOREVER cause syd and lucas were going n invited me and im so happy they did swimming felt so good omg july 7th - first day o work july 10th - officially scrubbed in again, feels good, but exhausting july 21st - all nighter where connor tells me he never loved me but in the context of an actually really good heart to heart session (which weve been having a bunch of latelyp) im upset but also not at all, work is exhausting but ive started taking my antidepressants again (literally that morning lol) and i go for a woods walk n swim after, and a deer follows me in the forest and its magical and life is good july 22nd - fuckin slept through work and thats never happened so been pushin myself a bit too hard july 25th - yesterday, worked saturday w j so we’re the only tchs there and did 2 lap apps and a hemiarthroplasty and it was good but also a little discouraging idk if this career is for me

and that about brings it up to today. talking to kirk less which is good for both of us. connor and i having lots of heart to hearts n genuine friendship chats. glad thats come full circle. lucky to have syd in my life. just generally idk that bears repeating haha i love her and writing this is realized how many times i wanted to write “and then syd made everything better” - she was the first person i called after i passed my test and she started screaming for me cause she knows me and knows my past and how hard ive worked and idk just a lotta love there. im lucky. word end of things idk wtf is going on but does anybody really? hahahaha. this career is not for me and i know it deep down but ill finish orientation before i do anything. but as of right now even though lifes good it kinda feels bad cause almost everyday im sweating and shaking and in so much fucking pain for a 10 hour shift and then i come home and collapse. antidepressants are helping though. i havent been on them for the entirety of my program/job so i thought that the job just came w this sort of exhaustion. but now im remembering theres after work tired and then theres depression tired.

#personal #video #deer #woodswalk

[lividian]

Wat up, I'm here to bitch about stuff.

A good 90% of my life is straight pain and struggle right now. I spend every day trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling, whether that's through sitting on facebook watching slime videos for hours, doing schoolwork for even more hours, or doing regular things and pretending everything is fine. I try to make myself believe that I'm ok. Not say I'm never going to be ok, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the shit life is throwing at me; has been throwing at me, for years.

I took off that mask yesterday, and I feel like I've been emotionally flayed. I'm raw and feeling all those little fragments of emotion I was protecting myself from, all at once. I've been in bed for the past 3 hours or so, thinkin about life and what mine is trying to teach me. Writing helps and I'm really open abt my mental health struggles, so I figured I'd pour it all out on here so maybe it could help someone or something.

A lot of my stressors include other people, so for their privacy, I'm going to use aliases.

Have you ever done something completely against your values/beliefs and wondered what underlying causes made you (re)act that way? I try to think about that often bc it tends to give new perspective and shed light on information necessary for changing those behaviors.

I had a tough childhood and now that I'm older, I can see the impact it's had on me for so long. Even things I can barely remember are reflected in my emotional responses and conscious decisions if I pay enough attention. Bc of the trauma and inconsistent relationship I had with my parents, I have varying degrees of trust issues, problems with relationships (platonic, familial, and romantic), and mental illnesses. I've struggled with behavioral problems for a long, long time. At one point, it was thought I had ODD because of the severity of some of my outbreaks.

Fortunately, some of my more unusual symptoms started showing up as early as 7. I had been placed in the custody of close family a couple years before that, who sought professional help when my depression and visual hallucinations first appeared. I was in counseling from that point on and began seeing psychiatrists at the age of 13, all of that lasted until I turned 19 and lost my medicaid.

Shortly after I started experiencing various mental health problems, I went into sort of a "dark age" and I don't remember much, like there's a big blind spot in my memories. There are some memories that survived and I've clung to, because I don't have much left from that time period. It lasted until about when I started taking psychiatric medications. And about that time, I started to experience extreme mood swings which resulted in damn near anything, from self harm and suicide attempts to violent outbursts and severe paranoia and delusions. These only increased in intensity until I was kicked out at the age of 17.

*I was hurt by that for a long time which fueled poor decision after poor decision, but I have forgiven both myself and my family bc all that anger and pain and guilt was doing was holding me back. I appreciate everything my family has done for me and I hold them very dear to my heart, especially in times of hardship.*

That's some back story for ya. A lot has happened since then, and maybe I'll talk about it some other time, but I'd really like to focus on the present.

My biggest source of pain currently is the fact that my daughter, Acacia, is in one state and I'm in another. I miss her terribly and every day I sit and think about how I've failed her. I want to be a source of joy for her, but right now she's hurting because her mother is gone and she doesn't understand why. We facetime, but she tells me that she doesn't like me and she's sad. It breaks my heart that she's dealing with such big emotions and I can't even be there to comfort her. But I'm also very grateful she's surrounded by people who love her and we can talk every day. It's really hard, and I'm usually in a lot of pain after we hang up, but I will always be there for her. I have to be the mother she needs me to be so I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. I'm not going to talk abt this anymore bc it's too much for me right now.

I'm in another state living with my husband, Onyx, and I feel utterly and completely alone. We left bc we were evicted back home and the only place we could go was his parents'. He shut me out a long time ago, but the homesickness is amplifying my feelings of isolation. Due to some of the toxicity in our relationship, I burned many bridges with friends and family, and aside from my 2 best friends (who I rarely talk to anymore) I have no one. Many days I beg Onyx for affection or communication or some semblance that he still loves me, but my efforts are futile. Weve been having the same fight for nearly half a year. I bring up something that's bothering me, and he becomes angry and says "it's always something", in some form or another I try to remind him that we have to work on the issues in our relationship at some point if we want things to get better, this is where he usually gets defensive and says something something along the lines of "I always need 'more or too much'". From that point, I've learned to just be quiet bc our problems are suddenly my fault and he will do everything in his power to deflect and shame if I try to get him to own up to his negative behaviors that hurt me almost every second.

I saw the red flags a long time ago, but I had hope. Hope that has now completely withered away bc I know he won't change, at least not anytime soon. I can see it in his face when I try to have any form of an adult conversation with him. The way he just barely squints his eyes while I'm talking, the smirk that I try to convince myself isn't real bc it's so slight, the overall look of complete apathy.

I've tried leaving before, several times and one period of 5 months, but I wanted to make things work bc we got married this year. He told me it would make me more consistent and I wouldn't feel like leaving all the time, but let me tell you, I feel like leaving all the time. I've told him about my plans to go back home, without him. I've told him I would stay if he would be a part of this relationship too bc I can't be with someone who is the source of so much of my pain. You know that saying, "you can't make someone love you if they don't want to"? It's true, fucking painfully true. I've found myself holding on to tiny shreds of hope here and there, making myself believe that he'll try in small gestures like a kiss or laying his head on me. But I've been doing that for too long. I have made sacrifices for him over and over to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. I've stopped talking to wonderful ppl bc it made him uncomfortable. I'll admit it, I kissed a guy back the night after we decided to be mutually exclusive. I talked to an ex love interest for a period of time abt how I was struggling in my relationship w Onyx. But I apologized, owned up to those behaviors, and made changes. I don't deserve for those things to be held over my head and brought up in almost every fight bc yes, I fucked up, but I did what I had to do to fix things. At a certain point, you have to be accountable for how you let your hurt and anger manifest.

So now I'm leaving bc I have to get back to my daughter and get in a better environment, but I don't know how or when. Like I said earlier, I ruined a lot of relationships try to preserve the one that was ruining me. But I'm really stuck out here, I've never been able to hold a job in my working career, and even if I could, I'm also taking several online college classes (that's been a bitch too) so I can't work more than part time and even that would jeopardize my mental health. I'm really stuck and so frustrated and I'm sorry that this has been a super long post. Like I said, I'm just bitching about life. I know the most sucky situations bring about the most growth.

For those of you who are curious, my diagnoses are PTSD, atypical OCD, and persistent depression w mood incongruent psychotic features.

Also: Besides being a good talker, I'm also a great listener. If you're struggling right now, I'm here for u.

#mental illness #mental health #life sucks #real life #sorry #beenthrushit #parental seperation #OCD #psychosis #growth #opportunity #depression #hard times #strength #inner power #self love #self preservation #do what you gotta do #potential #background #back story #bad day #no friends #love yourself #see the good

[captaindeanwinchesterforever]

Don’t Leave Me pt. 2

I just want to thank all of you who like to read my writing. I appreciate all the support! I hope y'all like this one. Love you guys!

Pairing: None at the moment *wink wink*

Warnings: some angst, some fluff, and a little bit of cussing

Summary: You are left having to deal with the aftermath of Gabriel’s death, but thank goodness you have a knight in shining armor.

Word count: 2,180

        I pulled into the garage of the bunker and parked my truck beside the Impala. I shut the engine off and sat there a few seconds to collect my thoughts. I got out of my truck and started to open the door to the bunker when I heard laughing and celebrating. It sounded like a fucking party. I was aggravated, but I knew that these people we brought back to this world didn’t kill Gabriel, so I didn’t need to take my anger out on them. I opened the door to see everyone having a great time. There was beer and food, people laughing and smiling at the victory they just had. I couldn’t be a part of the celebration, so I kept my head down and headed straight to my room. I hoped that Dean and Sam wouldn’t notice I was back. As long as I could stay out of their sight, I would be okay.

           “(Y/N)! Wait, please.” I forgot about the angel… I just kept walking, but Cas caught up with me and grabbed my wrist to stop me.

           “Cas, please let go of me.” I didn’t mean to snap at him, but I just couldn’t be in that room anymore.

           “I know you are hurting right now. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I’m sor…” I cut him off.

           “Don’t say it. I don’t need that right now.” I turned and glared at him with anger. My expression went from furious to sorrowful in less than a second.

           “I’m sorry, Cas. I know you’re only trying to help me and be a good friend. I really appreciate you being here for me, but I don’t need anyone’s pity. Just know that I love you and you are one of the most important people in my life. I just need some space right now. I’ll be okay.” I smiled and leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek. I turned around and made a beeline to my room.

           I walked in and slammed the door behind me. I leaned back against it and slid down to the floor. Tears began to flow from my eyes. I had to put on a good face for the boys, but when I was behind closed doors, I could let everything out.

Sam’s POV

            I looked up when I heard the door open to the bunker. It was (Y/N). She was trying to make her way past everyone, and I assumed that she was making her way to her room. All I wanted to do is comfort her, but I knew how she was, and she wasn’t going to let any weakness show. I heard Cas yell out to her and grab her wrist. I grimaced a little thinking that Cas was about to get decked in the face, but to my surprise she didn’t do anything. I could hear a little bit of their conversation. I heard Cas try to tell her he was sorry, but she cut him off and the look she gave him was terrifying. If looks could kill that one definitely would have. Then I saw (Y/N)’s facial expression change. She regretted what she said to Cas and she said something that I couldn’t hear. She leaned up to Cas’ cheek and gave him a kiss. Then off she went to the only safe place she thought she had left.

           “Cas was real brave grabbing her arm like that.” I looked over and saw Dean standing beside me.

           “Yeah, real brave… I don’t know what to do for her, Dean. I know she wants to be alone, but I can’t just sit here and let her go through this alone. Hell, we both know how it feels to lose someone like that.” I was aggravated with everything going on, but especially that (Y/N) had to lose someone she loved. If I was being completely honest, I was pissed at Gabriel for putting her through this again.

           “I don’t know, Sammy. That’s a bit risky. Don’t get me wrong, I love (Y/N) just as much as the rest of us do but she’s different. She doesn’t like to show weakness. Hell Sam, that was the first time I had ever seen her cry. We’ve all tried to comfort her at some point, and you were able to for a little bit, but we both know that the only one that could calm her down is gone. If you feel like you need to help her then you should do it, but if you do you may not like the answer you get.” Dean has always cautioned me about (Y/N) and how she was, but it’s never scared me away. I know she isn’t like other women and I think that’s why I am drawn to her. I have always had feelings for (Y/N), but she loved Gabriel and I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined that.

           I couldn’t stand there anymore, I had to go help her. I took off through the war room and down the hall way towards (Y/N)’s bedroom. Once I reached her room, I stood there for a second. I could hear something coming from the other side of the door. I put my ear up to it and listened. It was her crying. She was trying to hold her sobs back, but she was failing.

           I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. “(Y/N), it’s Sam. I just wanted to come and check on you. Can I please come in?”

(Y/N)’s POV

I was sitting on the floor sobbing when I heard a knock on my door. It startled me a little bit. I should’ve known that someone would come and find me.

           “(Y/N), it’s Sam. I just wanted to come and check on you. Can I please come in?” Of course, it was Sam. I thought I had slipped past him without him seeing me. I got up off the floor and wiped my eyes. I took a few deep breaths and opened the door.

           “Sam, I’m fine. I just want to be alone right now. I don’t want anyone around me right now. I think its best that you leave.” I felt awful being this hateful towards Sam, but he doesn’t need to see me like this. He definitely didn’t need to waste his time on me. I just wanted him to go celebrate and be happy. I went to close the door in his face, but he stopped it with his hand.

           “(Y/N), I just wanted to come and see how you were doing. You were gone for a while and I was worried. I didn’t know where you had gone.” He was so sincere, but I needed him to leave. I wasn’t worth his time or effort. I wasn’t worth fixing.

           “I appreciate that, but I’m good.” I had an agitated tone in my voice. Even with the hateful tone, he was patient.

           “We could just hang out like we used to. It was fun watching movies and talking to you. We used to talk about anything and everything. I just want to help you.” He was trying so hard to help me. I remember how much fun we used to have after I lost Gabriel the first time. Sam was always there. Through my good days and my dark days. I depended on him a little more than I would’ve liked to admit. My feelings for him started to change and I pushed them down. He wouldn’t want this hot mess. He was just being nice, and Sam deserved a whole hell of a lot better than me. As soon as these feelings started, they disappeared, because that’s when Gabriel came back into my life.

           “I don’t need you to save me again, Sam. I definitely don’t need a babysitter. I’ll be fine.” I sounded like a real bitch. If I didn’t feel bad before, I definitely feel bad now. I could see the annoyed look on his face.

           “(Y/N), listen. I get what you’re going through and I get you want to be alone, but I think being alone is the last thing you need to be right now. All I want to do is help you and all you do is push me away. I see straight through that act you put on for everyone else. I’m your friend (Y/N) and I care about you. So please just let me help you!” Sam had never raised his voice at me before. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I tried to hold them back, but one fell down my cheek. I saw the regret on Sam’s face for what he did. He started to apologize, but I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. He engulfed me in his arms and I finally felt safe again, just like before.

           “I’m sorry, Sam. Can you stay here with me for a little while?” I just wanted his company, nobody else’s just his. Sam shook his head yes and we walked into the room and closed the door behind us.

           Sam and I were laying on our backs staring up at the ceiling of my room. We were just kind of enjoying each other’s company, not really talking until I spoke up.

           “I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier. I don’t know how to act or feel about what just happened. I want to believe that Gabriel is alive, but I have a gut feeling that he’s actually gone this time. I’m furious with him for doing this to me again, but most importantly I want to kill Michael. I want revenge Sam and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m overwhelmed with all the different thoughts going through my head. What’s even worse is that I have been such an awful friend to you, and you didn’t deserve any of it. Sam, you’re the only one I can be myself with and you have no idea how important that is to me. There are no words to describe how sorry I am to have put you through so much. I don’t deserve to have a friend like you.” I had rolled over on my side facing Sam while I said this. I really didn’t deserve him. The fact he still wanted to help me after I was such a bitch to him made me appreciate him even more. He rolled over to face me and looked at me for a second with his sad puppy dog eyes.

           “(Y/N), you don’t need to be sorry. I don’t blame you for what you said or how you acted. I would have done the same thing. I understand why our friendship changed when Gabriel came back. You loved each other and he had just stepped back into your life. I don’t blame you for wanting to spend all your time with him. You’re very special to me (Y/N) and I just don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone. I was there for you then and I am here for you know. I always will be. As for Michael, he isn’t coming back (Y/N). He is stuck in that other world with Lucifer. Where I hope they’ll rip each other apart.” He reached up and tucked some stray hairs behind my ear. I couldn’t help but smile. Sam made me feel safe and he took care of me.

           “Thank you, Sam.” I smiled at him and nuzzled myself up against his body. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. Right before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper something, but I couldn’t quite make out the words.

Sam’s POV

           (Y/N) snuggled herself up to me and I wrapped my arms around her. I missed this so much. I missed the smell of her hair, how warm her body was against mine, the conversations we used to have, but most importantly I missed her. I felt like I could fly. The smile on my face was never going to leave. (Y/N) deserved so much better than what her life has handed her. She was rough around the edges and often put up a wall to keep people out, but under all that she had the most beautiful soul. I had never had feelings like this for any other woman, she was everything to me.

           I could tell (Y/N) was starting to fall asleep, so I pulled her in closer. Her face was buried into the crook of my neck. Her breathing started to slow, and I could tell she had finally fallen asleep. I kissed the top of her head and whispered, “I promise to always take care of you and never leave you. I love you, (Y/N). I always have.”

           I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy. I didn’t want to leave her, so I rested my head on her pillow and drifted off to sleep.

#supernatural fanfiction #supernatural #supernatural fandom #supernatural gabriel #Sam Winchester #dean winchester #castiel #spn #spn fanfic #spnfandom #SPNFamily #spn gabriel #gabriel fanfic #gabriel fanfiction #sam winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fanfiction

[amireallylivingorisitfake12]

i dont know what to do guys, im depressed and hurt and i want it all to end but i literally cant do anything and i feel like shit

so i broke up with my now ex(lets call him sabe) in may, because thing were complicated and i was traveling for the summer....... and i got with this other guy (lets name him carl) in place of him.... ive known carl for about 2 yrs now and i had alot of feeling toward him but i didnt want to deal with the long distance relationship..... so i said no a year ago.... but i said yes about a month ago.... me breaking up with sabe hurt him alot.... we dated for 3-4 months (ik its really short but he was my first bf and he made me feel so fucking special like i cant), like alot alot.... so he blocked me on everything even text so he didnt get any of my messages of me wanting to talk to him to clear the mud..... i told my friend to ask if i could talk to him.... she ended up saying more than i wanted her too... and yes at this time im still dating carl..... she said i had a bf and i was sorry and i wanted to talk to him, he literally fucking said he didnt care.... about me being sorry about my new bf ( which btw i was going to mention myself or even not at all she just blurted it out), and even about me wanting to talk to him..... and ive been trying to bc i feel like i really fucked up and i didnt want to be ignored by the guy i loved the most so i was and am still trying to make amends.... any way so carl has been ghosting me for the past 3 days... i tell him i love him( weve known each other for 2 yrs i thought itd be fine, ik its early to say that) , hows he doin, how was his day, what happend, but instead i got half assed responses and comments..... yesterday he called me, he was so quiet i knew smt was up so i asked, he said he was thinking about ‘us’... so i said what about ‘us’... he said im rethinking this relationship... and me being already depressed and my anxiety was way up that day already so imagine the shit that was going through my mind. i asked why.... earlier he had asked me if i was christian i said idk bc i literally dont have a preference, then he asked if ive used a ouija board and shit like that, i said no but i use tarot cards.... he told me he didnt like ‘witchcraft’ or ‘dark shit’ and im 100% into all of that.... so to him that was a ‘problem’.... he told me thats why he broke up with his last gf ‘she wasnt christian enough’.... oh and he decided to mention the long distance thing once after he said all that. anyway he said he loves me and would nvr do anything to hurt me.... so i sent him a message of how i feel.... ive nvr gone to him about my cutting(which ive done more recently bc of this), about my depression, anxiety, add, and every single disorder i have bc he just tells me to go to the doctor or talk to someone other than him, and he judges me so hard like omg...... ik hes going to break up with me today and im so fucking scared.... i dont know what to do and like i want sabe back so bad bc he didnt treat me like this he NEVER treated me like this..... i told my friend that i want them to find me in the girls bathroom dead.... slit wrists and neck.... i want sabe back... and i just want my pain to end... im so done for how people treat me 

and i havent told @captainchloe12354 so ur now hearing about this girl.... im sorry i didnt tell u earlier but soo much shit was happening for the past week ive been so fucking depressed and i so wish u were here w me clo i love you so much my best friend and favorite cousin........ 

and @dontlookatmeimdead this is y ive been depressed.....

anyway ik this is a long ass post and for those of you if u even care i appreciate yuo reading my horrible grammar and horrible life, heres a piece of cake  ...

[ghostydoof-blog]

OOCly viewed chatlog you know the drill.

-- technicalGyrations [TG] began pestering eggBoy [EB] at 08:16 --

[08:16] TG: egg BOY

[08:17] EB: egg boy.

[08:18] TG: egg boi

[08:18] EB: that's me.

[08:18] TG: like soulja boy

[08:18] EB: one hundred percent farmland fresh egg boy.

[08:18] TG: but with eggs

[08:19] EB: hot off the truck and into market, soon to be on your breakfast plate at denny's when it's 2am and you're feeling down.

[08:20] EB: we should go to denny's sometime at 2am when we're feeling down.

[08:20] TG: we could go to dennys right now if youre feeling down

[08:21] EB: it's not 2am yet and i've been up since six making myself homemade mac and cheese.

[08:22] TG: okay instead of dennys come to my work and eat mac n cheesy with me and tell me whats going on

[08:24] EB: i can't, legs are broken.

[08:25] EB: my face hurts.

[08:25] TG: JOHN

[08:25] TG: JOHN!!!

[08:25] EB: suddenly my fingers are broken too, my skin is paper and my bones glass.

[08:25] TG: JOHN EGBERT YOURE KILING ME

[08:26] EB: it happens.

[08:26] EB: you are way too excitable for this time of morning, dave.

[08:27] TG: i have to be im at work and i gotta be excitable so i dont fall asleep

[08:27] TG: so i got music playin and im knitting and drinking some tea

[08:27] EB: i'll accept that.

[08:27] TG: you could be energized too if yall came here

[08:27] EB: i've got a pot of coffee on the table next to my bed and i have been playing threshers 2 all morning.

[08:28] EB: i need to get human games so i can stop playing this.

[08:28] EB: i.

[08:28] EB: ugh.

[08:28] TG: are you havin fun with it at least

[08:29] TG: whats wrong dude

[08:29] EB: i do.

[08:29] EB: i guess?

[08:29] EB: it just upsets me.

[08:29] TG: why?

[08:29] EB: actually a lot of things upset me lately apparently.

[08:29] EB: i'm worried about sollux.

[08:30] EB: apparently i had a family that i don't remember.

[08:30] EB: oh and we're from the same earth i accept that ok?

[08:30] EB: apparently your shades are from me.

[08:30] EB: somehow we forgot these things.

[08:30] TG: i need a second to process this

[08:30] TG: okay im starting the process

[08:30] EB: so i mean i haven't been able to talk about any of it and i'm losing my mind over it!

[08:30] TG: who told you this?

[08:31] EB: rose.

[08:31] TG: how do they know??

[08:31] EB: she's the only one that i've met that will just TELL me about myself.

[08:32] EB: she knew a john that she played that god awful game with.

[08:32] EB: her john knew a dave.

[08:32] TG: and her john gave her dave the same pair of shades i have

[08:32] TG: ?

[08:32] EB: they all played that game together.

[08:32] EB: yeah.

[08:33] TG: i have a feeling that we played that game together too

[08:33] EB: how?

[08:34] EB: everyone that has KNOWS they have.

[08:34] EB: how do you forget DYING?

[08:34] EB: or being a god or something?

[08:34] TG: when i talked to sky about some of this he basically said that what my dream was lines up with some stuff that happens in it and if youre from the same place as ME then we would have HAVE to played it together or someting like that

[08:34] TG: i think were remembering it though

[08:34] TG: since meeting each other

[08:35] EB: :/

[08:35] EB: i can barely sleep anymore, my dreams are so weird they wake me up now. i can't remember them but ugh.

[08:35] EB: they leave me in a cold sweat.

[08:36] TG: ive just been having a lot of migraines lately about all of this stuff

[08:36] EB: ugh.

[08:36] EB: yeah.

[08:36] TG: no dreams i can remember besides the one of someone giving me my shades

[08:36] TG: which is now you

[08:37] EB: when rose was telling me about the shades it hurt, and when she was trying to tell me about my family i?

[08:37] EB: i had a family, dave.

[08:37] EB: a dad.

[08:37] EB: you saw me give you your shades?

[08:37] TG: in a dream, yea, but it wasnt you in my dream just some shadowy ass lookin figure

[08:37] TG: a dad

[08:38] TG: is there any way you could find him?

[08:38] EB: he doesn't exist. the actual address on my id also does not exist.

[08:38] EB: the street does, but there isn't that number house on it.

[08:39] EB: i guess he did something shitty with baked goods and that's why i still don't like them though.

[08:39] EB: so maybe it's not that much of a loss.

[08:40] TG: i had the same thing happen to me address wise like they looked it up and theyre like shit my dude you dont exist

[08:40] TG: and that makes sense i guess

[08:40] TG: some shit like that probably stayed latent in your brain and surfaces without your control

[08:40] EB: yeah.

[08:40] EB: it still sucks!

[08:40] EB: i want him back, dave.

[08:41] EB: i'm grown now but i didn't want to be stuck in foster care for two years! i hated it.

[08:41] TG: i want you to find him so he can explain where the hell hes been all these years

[08:42] EB: he's dead.

[08:42] EB: if i remember correctly, it's been mentioned that he died.

[08:42] TG: WHAT

[08:42] TG: what the fuck

[08:42] EB: or disappeared into the game, if we really did play it.

[08:42] TG: thats even worse

[08:42] TG: but if he disappeared into the game like us wouldnt he be back if were back? this is so fucked up dude

[08:43] TG: do you think if you have a dad

[08:43] TG: that i have a dad

[08:43] TG: ?

[08:44] EB: probably! rose mentioned having a mom too i think.

[08:44] EB: or someone else had a mom. or something?

[08:44] EB: i can't tell if i know this stuff or if someone told me anymore.

[08:45] TG: i mean i guess the only thing we can do is ask rose more

[08:45] TG: if she doesnt mind?

[08:45] EB: she says she doesn't but i wouldn't want to push it.

[08:45] EB: she has a key to my apartment so if you want to meet her you could use my place.

[08:45] TG: we could talk to her together

[08:45] TG: just a meeting betwen all yall

[08:46] EB: i don't know dave she's really nervous about people still.

[08:46] EB: sort of a one on one kind of girl.

[08:46] TG: i could sit in the bathroom while we talk so she doesnt have to see me

[08:47] EB: oh my god dave no.

[08:47] EB: then we'd have to be in my bedroom!

[08:47] EB: what am i going to do, text her up and be like hey rose want to hang out in my BED?

[08:47] TG: dude weve hung out in your BED before

[08:48] EB: yeah but we're also more accustomed to that sort of thing.

[08:48] EB: she's been really alone for a long time, i don't think she's quite ready for THAT.

[08:48] TG: you have seen my shirtless bod before so were past that level of friendship

[08:49] TG: okay new plan: i can hide behind the couch while all yall are on the couch and i can talk from there

[08:50] EB: she might kill you if you do that.

[08:50] EB: but it's your ass not mine.

[08:50] EB: also your body is fine dave.

[08:50] TG: okay new plan: you can facetime me and we can talk from there

[08:50] TG: my body is,

[08:52] EB: how about this?

[08:52] EB: i talk to rose and ask if she'll meet you.

[08:52] TG: that also works

[08:53] EB: no deception and you guys can still use my place.

[08:53] EB: and dave.

[08:53] EB: your body is fine.

[08:53] TG: IT IS,

[08:53] EB: it IS, yes.

[08:53] TG: im yellin

[08:53] TG: youre too nice to me

[08:53] EB: i'm telling the fucking truth you goon.

[08:54] TG: youre STILL too nice to me you goon

[08:54] EB: if i wasn't armpit deep in my clinically diagnosed depression i would come kick your ass.

[08:56] TG: i mean i want to come over to kick your ass out of your armpit deep clinical depression but im at work and also armpit deep in my clinical depression

[08:56] EB: well look at us both stuck in this quicksand of sadness.

[09:03] TG: well pull each other out eventually

[09:03] TG: just gotta wallow for a bit til we feel better

[09:03] EB: i was doing ok until the shit hit the fan.

[09:03] EB: is it bad that it bothered me less when i didn't have friends?

[09:04] TG: i mean same but thats cause you have your own ways to deal with things and when friends get involved you feel like you gotta blab to them about everything and it messes up the coping

[09:04] TG: at least thats my theory

[09:05] EB: no.

[09:05] TG: ?

[09:06] EB: it's because i had nothing to worry about. i worked, a came home to my apartment. i ate and slept and watched movies and had nothing to think about but the next day.

[09:06] EB: now?

[09:06] EB: now i'm worried about my troll friends because they might just die for no reason.

[09:07] TG: and thats making you feel worse combined with your own stuff you got on your mind

[09:07] TG: i gotcha

[09:07] EB: i worry about my human friends because some of them are so sad that i just want to hug them and tell them it will be ok.

[09:07] EB: and yet no one wants me to care.

[09:07] EB: so i'm trying to not care.

[09:07] EB: it's hard.

[09:08] TG: hey if it means anything i want you to care about me

[09:08] TG: and i bet all your friends appreciate you caring even if it seems like they dont

[09:08] EB: congrats you're the only one that does!

[09:09] EB: between troll dave shitting on me for being empathetic and me royally fucking it with sollux i'm ?

[09:09] EB: trolls?

[09:09] EB: what are they?

[09:09] EB: why are they?

[09:09] TG: trolls are strange as hell and they have different views on emotions than humans do

[09:09] TG: makes em a bit complicated

[09:10] EB: i noticed.

[09:10] EB: apparently i messed up and started doing some weird quadrant stuff at sollux.

[09:10] EB: but it doesn't matter, he says it doesn't bother him.

[09:10] EB: (spoiler alert: it does.)

[09:10] EB: and i know it does.

[09:11] TG: i mean id be surprised if it DIDNT bother him

[09:11] EB: but if i don't say anything about it and act normal maybe it will be ok.

[09:11] TG: hes probably just making it seem like it doesnt bother him both for you and for himself

[09:11] EB: but i can't bring myself to talk to him because i don't want him to stop being my friend.

[09:12] TG: you should still at least talk to him if hes your friend dude

[09:12] TG: but i also think you should talk about the pale stuff too

[09:13] EB: i tried to.

[09:14] EB: but everyone else seems to want to get their nose so deep into my business there's no room left for me. i appreciate spanky but uh...he's way too nosy for someone i don't know.

[09:15] EB: i also don't get the subtle difference in what changes being his best friend to being his pale...whatever it's called.

[09:16] TG: theres only one way to find out and thats asking him about it

[09:16] TG: but id think it over before you do

[09:16] TG: i dont completely understand troll stuff either even though i live with two of them

[09:16] TG: and dude if you need me to back off just let me know ok

[09:17] EB: well, karkat told me he doesn't want any quadrants right now so i mean i don't want to poke that hornet's nest and bite the dust on it yet.

[09:17] EB: there's also the uh.

[09:17] EB: looming possibility that he's going to die.

[09:18] EB: so that's a thing i'm supposed to probably pretend that it doesn't bother me.

[09:18] TG: um what

[09:18] EB: he's messing with that game, dave!

[09:18] EB: and something is wrong with it! like really wrong!

[09:18] TG: nothing good ever comes from that goddamn hell game

[09:18] EB: it's not like i pour over every single post of his but i see enough to know that something bad is going to happen.

[09:19] TG: you definitely pour over all his posts

[09:19] TG: callout

[09:19] TG: and yea

[09:19] EB: i do not!

[09:19] TG: i have a bad feeling about this

[09:19] EB: he's not even denying it anymore, dave.

[09:21] TG: i think cause he realizes shit is going to hit the goddamn fan

[09:22] EB: i know.

[09:22] EB: i should just let other people do things for him.

[09:23] TG: john

[09:23] TG: why

[09:23] TG: ?

[09:24] EB: because.

[09:25] EB: i don't know anything useful to him. i don't know about the game.

[09:25] EB: i don't know anything about trolls.

[09:25] EB: or their romance.

[09:25] EB: or their society.

[09:25] EB: the more i learn the more worried i get.

[09:25] EB: the more i wish i could just pull him here.

[09:25] EB: give him a hug, tell him it's ok!

[09:25] TG: once he gets into the game he might be able to get here though

[09:26] TG: transportalizers are normally a game thing i think from what ive seen

[09:26] EB: i don't want him to ever go into that goddamn game dave!

[09:26] TG: rossea didnt play and she had to build her own

[09:26] EB: i want him to stop messing with it before it's too late.

[09:26] EB: he's going to die.

[09:26] EB: and i'm going to lose my best friend.

[09:26] EB: i'm...

[09:27] TG: john

[09:27] EB: i'm sorry.

[09:27] TG: i dont think hes going to stop messing with it

[09:27] EB: i know.

[09:27] EB: i know he's not.

[09:27] TG: so you can at least hope that he finds a transportalizer and get the hell out of there

[09:27] EB: i do hope.

[09:28] EB: but we didn't.

[09:28] EB: did we?

[09:28] EB: you died.

[09:28] TG: i

[09:28] EB: and so did our friends.

[09:28] TG: i dont know

[09:29] EB: we didn't survive that game.

[09:29] EB: not the same way other people have.

[09:29] EB: did we?

[09:29] TG: i dont think so

[09:29] TG: ?

[09:30] TG: but i dont know what happened at all

[09:30] EB: well my dream says everyone died.

-- eggBoy [EB] is now an idle chum! --

[09:42] TG: my dream says at least me died so i believe your dream

-- eggBoy [EB] is now an idle chum! --

[09:44] EB: it doesn't make it any better.

[09:45] EB: i have a lot of worries ok?

[09:45] EB: i'm sorry for suddenly dumping them on you but they just keep coming.

[09:47] TG: dude john

[09:47] TG: dont be sorry at all

[09:47] TG: were friends right?

[09:47] TG: thats what friends are for

[09:47] EB: yeah!

[09:47] EB: still.

[09:48] EB: i kind of exploded there.

[09:48] EB: hey dave.

[09:48] TG: what

[09:48] TG: ?

[09:48] EB: denny's date tonight?

[09:48] TG: of course : *

[09:49] EB: good.

[09:49] EB: because i feel like sobbing into a grand slamwich.

[10:09] TG: you can sob into as many grand slamwiches as you want bud

[10:09] EB: i can only maybe handle one.

[10:10] EB: they're kind of gross.

[10:10] TG: perfect to cry into then

[10:10] EB: exactly.

[10:10] EB: you've witnessed me crying, i'm gross.

[10:11] TG: DUDE youve witnessed ME crying

[10:12] EB: then we're even.

[10:30] TG: : *

[10:30] EB: right back at you buddy.

#pesterings #viewed oocly #long post // #mentioned: #keedlez2

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.25

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25

alright!!! so this chapter is a little special. its a contest!!!!

for literally no reason at all, i decided to have a little fun with this chapter. in this chapter, there are a bunch of pop song references. the majority are from the early 2000s (before 2010, tho there may be one or two from 2011 or 12) and one is from the 90s. whoever can list the most references wins a drabble/short fic of their choice from me!

to enter, submit a list of all the songs that were referenced in this chapter (or the ones you could find!!)

shoot me an ask if you have any questions~!

mental support = nino, ebony = alya, draco = adrien, vampire = alya

i hope you enjoy!

17:20

mental support: a reminder that i hate all of you

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: u love u s

mental support: i can t believe you just made me listen to all of that what the fuck

draco malfoy: Now You Know

mental support: i wish i didnt

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: its so good so iconic also the writer is now a fukcing awesome published author and mari and i r gonna read her books together join us we can b the nerds with a book club

mental support: i just spent several hours listening to you three do a dramatic reading of my immortal i think weve gone past nerds with a book club

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: sounds fake

vampire: You cant say that wasnt a lot of fun though I forgot how wil d that fic got

mental support: i need to process

draco malfoy: Have fun

  5:02

draco malfoy: Reasons to quit modelling: Early morning shoots

draco malfoy changed his name to asleep in makeup

asleep in makeup: I can’t wait to be done today

  9:34

mental support: i am so sorry dude fingers crossed that your dad stops sending you to them

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: ^^^

mental support: al babe please change your name

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: f i n e uhhhhhhhh

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way has changed their name to aint no lie

aint no lie: baby bi bi bi

mental support: i dont know what i expected

aint no lie: pls choose a lyric and join me

mental support: youre ridiculous why do i love you

mental support has changed their name to fool for you

aint no lie: lmao sap

fool for you: true

  10:02

vampire: Oh my god we have so man y orders to day Wont be on Im dying Im gonna dronw in frosting

vampire has changed their name to too many cookies

fool for you: uhhh no such thing let me know when youre on your break i wanna stop in and say hi and also steal some baked goods pull you away from baking for a bit

too many cookies: My knight in shining arm or  <3

fool for you: mostly hoping for cookies deemed unworthy to sell but yes i can work with knight

too many cookies: At least youre honest

13:35

asleep in makeup: Get me out og hits hous e

aint no lie: omw get ready to leave boy i was in the area on a walk

asleep in makeup: Thnak s

  13:46

fool for you: let me know if i can do anything ok?? if you need to stay the night or something that super chill my moms wont mind besides they keep trying to invite you all to dinner

too many cookies: Same as what Nino said!!! And also what!! I love your moms Id love to go to dinner??????

fool for you: yeah but theyre gonna tell embarrassing stories

too many cookies: You say that like I wasnt there for most of them

fool for you: yeah but adrie nand alya werent

too many cookies: Ok true true

19:11 in PM between too many cookies and alseep in makeup

asleep in makeup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6J1-eYBbspA

too many cookies: Why the fuck

asleep in makeup: I’m with Alya We’re listening to 2000 hits from the US

too many cookies: Of course you are Are you having fun And feeling better??

asleep in makeup: Yeah We’re cuddling and making fun of the music videos Mostly the fashion Also her mom brought home some food from the hotel so we don’t have to eat ramen which is both awesome and a disappointment

too many cookies: Mhm How hard are you pining

asleep in makeup: Shut up

too many cookies: You love me

asleep in makeup: Unfortunately Why are our friends just so Great Good Incredible Sos I’m getting emotional about them Mari I really love them what did we do

too many cookies: We have really great taste obviously

asleep in makeup: Man I have shitty luck

too many cookies: Or the best

asleep in makeup: That’s your department

too many cookies: True tru e Are you going to survive??

asleep in makeup: Yeah Cuddling with Alya is unfairly nice

too many cookies: Tell me about it Anyway why this song

asleep in makeup: Because I love you and just wanted to remind you

too many cookies: This is the worst way to tell me that But I love you too I have to go help my mom with dinner but Ill talk to you later <3 Have fun Dont die

asleep in makeup: No promises

20:02 in fucking clock hearts

aint no lie has renamed this conversation to tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

too many cookies: Wha t

aint no lie: THAT IM A VEGETARIAN AND I AINT FUCKING SCARED O F HIM

fool for you: what the fuck

asleep in makeup: We’ve been watching music videos for like 3 hours

aint no lie: im liv in g

asleep in makeup: My dad would die if he saw any of the outfits people are wearing in these

aint no lie: american pop music from the 2000s is wild join us

fool for you: i thik im good

asleep in makeup: Youre not

aint no lie: were not falling in love were just falling apart :/

too many cookies: Im too tired for fake deep al

aint no lie: rip im sorry babe

fool for you: can i break into the bakery and get a cookie i need sugar

too many cookies: Cn I convince you to watch a show with me or something

fool for you: duh

too many cookies: !!!!!!!!! Let me know when you get here Im just at the foot of the stairs braiding my hair Ill let you in  

  20:15

aint no lie: bo y why are all of 3oh3s songs fucking icon ci

too many cookies: 3oh3 is that supposed to like Mean somethin g

aint no lie: idk its just another word i never learned how to pronounce

too many cookies: RIp

fool for you: yo mari im here

too many cookies: !!!

  20:25

aint no lie: a;lsdkfjasdf things i apparently need to do add chloe on snapchat

fool for you: yo why

asleep in makeup: She just sent me a selfie of her wearing designer shades just to hide her face cause she took her makeup off

aint no lie: she is???? weirdly chill snapchattin g marhs whtf

too many cookies: Whtf???

fool for you: what hell the fuck

asleep in makeup: That might have to do with us having been friends since we were like In diapers Chloe isn’t the best person but we still talk for a reason

aint no lie: fair

fool for you: i follow her on twitter for her rants theyre ridic they make my day

asleep in makeup: Oh uh Nino can I come over when you’re done at the bakery?

fool for you: yeah of course dude!!! that offers always there

aint no lie: >:(

too many cookies: I take it you two had this argument alread y

asleep in makeup: Yup I feel bad invading Alya’s space for so long

aint no lie: youve been around all night before!!!!! its not a big deal!!!!!!!!!!! the party dont stop

fool for you: want me to steal some cookies from you

asleep in makeup: Stealing is bad

aint no lie: why are u leaving me!!!!!!!!!!!

too many cookies: Ill let Nino tak ethe cookies then its not stealing Also cant you have this con vo irl??

asleep in makeup: Yeah but this is better

aint no lie: yeah also were comfy on the couch and itd be weird to yell at each other when were sitting like this

PM between asleep in makeup and too many cookies

too many cookies: Rip

asleep in makeup: Please don’t make this worse

too many cookies: Come on Romeo

asleep in makeup: That’s not my name

too many cookies: Fiiine You ok?? I know youre going over Ninos Hes getting ready to leave btw but he just mentioned that in the main chat

asleep in makeup: Yeah I just Its been a really really messed up week

too many cookies: Fair enough Let me know if you need anything ok???

asleep in makeup: Thanks <3 Going from Alya to Nino will be fun

too many cookies: Tonight your e fallign in love

asleep in makeup: Very funny But let me know if you need anything too Ok???

too many cookies: I will <3 <3

in tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

fool for you: ok so how many cookies is too many cookies

aint no lie: there is literally no such thing weve talked about thi s

fool for you: i bet if you eat too many you could die

aint no lie: come on let me shake up ur world and change ur life eat All The Cookies

fool for you: thats too many cookies

aint no lie: eat all the cookies an d die

fool for you: youre just jealous that adrien is coming over

aint no lie: please this isnt even jealousy >:/

fool for you: bruh oh btw im leaving in like 2 minutes gonna steal you away from alya

aint no lie: n e v e r

asleep in makeup: Please save me she’s been playing the same song for like half an hour

aint no lie: listen hot stuff im in loe vwith this son g

fool for you: let the beat rock dude

asleep in makeup: Mari pl e a s e

aint no lie: i cant stop cause im haivng too much fun!!!!!!!

  21:35

aint no lie: i cant believe ive been betrayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fool for you: youre so dramatic

aint no lie: this is the worst thing to ever happen o t me

asleep in makeup: Its not enough to say that I miss you, is it

aint no lie: no >:( tell me what i wanna hear and that is that ur coming bcak

asleep in makeup: Sorry Al

fool for you: yeah ive got a blanket fort set up still from last time so i win

aint no lie: shi t

too many cookies: Youre all ridiculou s You need to come back down t o earht Weve got bigger problems than this Liek the fact that I canT FIND MY SCISSOR S

aint no lie: r i p

fool for you: theyre under your chaise

too many cookies: What

fool for you: check

too many cookies: ……. Holy s hi t HO W

fool for you: magic

aint no lie: u might no t believe ur eyes but ninos magic

asleep in makeup: I thought I got away from this

aint no lie: nope <3

#adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #nino lahiffe #alya cesaire #miraculous ladybug #my fics #wanna chat

[survivorazores]

Ep. 15 - “Surprise! Everyone's a snake!” - Will

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164349795498/individual-immunity-6

I'm genuinely so sad that Emily left because she was probably one of the most genuine and nicest ones in the game, we were definitely on different sides after the Amanda G vote but she was never mean or anything. She easily would've won and I'm just hoping those two votes against me weren't any sort of warning... I wanna see how this next vote will turn out because this could be when Ruthie leaves and I need to make sure I can clear myself in case of a bitter jury. We'll see how this goes though.

My best plan here could be to do exactly what Ruthie did for me, go to her (if she doesn't win immunity) and say "If you have an idol, play it tonight - there's nothing I can do" because if I didn't have an idol and had gone home, I wouldn't have been mad at Ruthie at all, or at least if she had been trying to blindside me I wouldn't have known. That could backfire on me if she leaks it back to the others and they realize I'm playing both sides but... I won't know until I try. And I shouldn't worry about it too much until the challenge is over.

I feel so bad for Emily, she is the true robbed queen of this season and she should have won this game. Voting out people who honestly deserve to win is the hardest part of this game.

I'm so fucking naive. 4 hours of sleep does not, in fact, make the fact that everyone lied to you go down any fucking easier. Just....Emily didn't say “jump” and I didn't respond with “how high?!?!” Jesus fuckingn Christ but that's what people thought of me. Guess I really was just sucking on her teat all along. Big hearty shout out to Michael for leaving that in everyone's mind. Sure we joked about his last words but they didn't not make an impression ffs. You'll get your full video confessional when I'm in the states but until then just have this because it's a pretty good summary of what getting blindsided and lied to by the only people you trusted feels like. (Also, gimme an OTT edit if you must this round idgaf. If I go off enough in the video maybe there will be some good lines from it. Who knows) http://jaxxgarcia.tumblr.com/post/159167820182/when-he-plays-u-and-u-feel-like-a-clown

I've been just following whatever my main alliances says way too much. Well, fuck that. My strategy discussing votes with others was to just let them talk and I'd agree or direct them to something. It all feels way too passive and in fucking done with that. Being lied to by literally everyone really makes you reevaluate how you've been playing the game.

So my game might be about to take a drastic turn! I came into this game knowing i wanted to play with Amanda. But ive been basically rolling with her this whole time and I've been with her 100% for every vote weve been on. But since Emily left and Francie came to her realization that everyone thought of her as Emilys goat that I realized that I am essentially Amandas goat. It's no fault of hers, its just been me not being a strategic player, which I never have been. I get by on social game and admittedly that has been sub par this game. So the only conceivable way I could win is if Will and Amanda go home. I feel terrible but me and Francie can only win against each other and Ruthie or Ali. deep sigh. i adore amanda with my entire heart and she deserves to win this game, but if she gets to the end she wins 100% and I cant in good conscience let Francie go to the end with her without trying to get her a win.

me, two hours ago: I am SO fucking pissed about this blindside I'm forgiving no one. me now: I've eaten, had time to think about this logically, I'm calmer and I feel like I've been involved in more gameplay discussion today than I have been all trip.

Francie literally hasn't spoken more than 5 words in PMs to me this entire game and now after she's been blindsided she's gonna sneak up into my messages saying we should talk I just... what's the point? Unless if you're gonna provide me concrete, clear facts and quotes telling me that my allies are sneakier snakes than Russel Hantz I don't want to buy what you're selling. Period.

Tbh the worst part about it being down to the final 6 is that there's literally nobody to talk to anymore since Abbey/Amanda aren't online and we usually only talk strategy/memes, Ali is (I love you but) impossible to talk to for more than five minutes, I've barely ever spoken to Francie until now, and Ruthie's just like such a pure queen but I need someone in this game who doesn't want to talk about the game for like five seconds like is it over is it done yet

https://youtu.be/5d3dUxIrntQ

Here's how it would go for me ideally: we 3-2-1 with Francie being the target, and Ruthie being the 2 so in case of Francie playing an idol then Ruthie goes home and I can be 100% absolved of any blame. Then at F5, depending on who wins immunity, of course, we vote out Ruthie and I play the "there's nothing I can do!" card and hopefully it doesn't blow up in my face and worst case scenario Ruthie blows things up but doesn't ruin my game since she'll be more nervous about the girls than about me. THEN at F4, unless Ali pulls a miracle and wins, we unanimously send him home. In the case of him winning, the girls will probably turn on me but I'm sure I can convince Ali to stick with me since he thinks we're in such a tight alliance, so what'll happen is a firemaking between me and one of the girls which could screw me over but... it's a 1 in 4 chance of us losing final immunity and it better not fucking happen. Anyways I see my path to FTC very clearly right now and I'm going to win this shit.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164385869108/individual-immunity-6-results-with-5-correct

Currently I'm feeling like I'm Amanda Lynn's goat so.... she's gotta go when she doesn't have immunity.  Will has been my number one throughout this entire game and it sounds like he's trying to turn on me after getting off a call with Amanda Lynn so hmmm interesting we'll see about that.  We're at a place now when it's every survivor for themselves and if I'm playing it smart the best options for me to sit beside at the end are Ali and Francie, bless their hearts.  I mean yes they will both probably still beat me but I think I could make a good case next to either of them whereas Amanda would win- she's social, strategic and has made most of the moves in the game, Will is super strategic and would win and then we have Abbey who I think would win also, she's strategic too. I don't know what I'm going to do but we'll see soon.

https://youtu.be/T9oCLchv-3U

EXTRA DETAIL: Here were Emily’s thoughts after her conference with Amanda

I just ended a call with Amanda Lynn and I am so happy that girl was the one that won the call!!! I wouldn't have been able to say as much to anyone else. I'm pulling for her to win. And I'm so happy she cleared up my tribal and told me that Francie was in the dark. That was the only thing about my tribal that I didn't like... that I didn't know who voted with me, though I was 90% sure it was Francie before the call. I was completely honest with Amanda Lynn, I told her all the stuff I told Ali before I left as a last ditch effort to save myself, and I told her that I told Ali to talk to Francie should I leave that night. She won the immunity and I am so happy!!! She also told me that Ali was the one that had the idol UM WHAT!!! I was shooketh! And he's using it this tribal because, you know, it's his last opportunity. I think it would be most beneficial for Amanda Lynn's game if the idol was played on Abbey tonight just to ensure that she has Ali and Abbey with her in final five. I need Amanda Lynn to win all of these next few immunities because I don't want to give my vote to anyone else!!! The girl deserves it. Also I told her I was gunning for her should I have stayed another round, and she laughed and told me she's glad she got me out when she did. She was genuine about the Gal Pals final four up until I proved to be a very worthy competitor, and I really respect her game for taking me out. She told me it was so hard, especially because I kept saying how nervous I was all day. Which means my guilt tripping WORKED........ sort of. I still got voted out. But at least they felt bad. Ugh, but I really hope the best for that girl. I told her pretty much everything about these past few rounds and how I was in an alliance with the INFPs and how the "friend" I was referring to in my competition confessional (#2) was Bryce. I hope that we can be friends after this game. I think she's such a sweet girl and I admire her gameplay. I was an Amanda Lynn stan before this call, but now I'm her NUMBER ONE stan. Team Amanda Lynn!!! If I can't win, I want her to win. She has such a good read on the game and I trust that she'll make the best moves for her to get her to FTC. I'm nervous because if she doesn't win immunity, she might get booted like I did. She has a target and she's an obvious winner. We both agreed that we knew the winner would either be her or myself. I think I have acknowledged some mistakes that I made in this game and I will use them to better my future games! I'm really thankful Amanda Lynn decided to call me and talk through everything. Especially because I got to write another confessional. Yay! But I think I've said nearly all I wanted to say... So, farewell, confessionals. It was nice getting to write you. <3

I kinda regret not playing the idol on emily but like I kinda don't either it just adds to my survivor resume I feel like people don't see me much as a threat which is a really good thing because they have a long way coming, Amanda is running this game she tells me to do everything and I feel like I'm being used on top of that she's shady I mean she's a good person and I like her but she's way to much of a treath if she finds out I'm a threat she's gonna vote me off so my plan? Vote off her little sidekick Abby ;) I hope I don't dig my self into another hole I have an idol but I need to be slick and I wanna play the idol on will so it will be a 3-0 vote or a 2-0 vote I'm ready for these fireworks to erupt everywhere also I'm searching for a new job and at Orlando so sorry if I can't make live tribals but yassss I hope abbey leaves and then we can blindside Amanda Lynn and then will final 3 with myself Ruthie and Francie :) I'm so ready I'm shaking in my boots

Okay so trying to pick up where I left off in my last confessional. I've been thinking a lot about what Emily told me in our conference call. She seemed genuine when she told me she was rooting for me. But I can't help but wonder if she was telling me some things to get me to get Francie to the end so she can rally votes for her. idk I'm gonna try to not worry about that right now My main focus is getting me and Abbey as far as we can go together.. I'm still a little worried about Francie not trusting me. We had a conversation this morning and she said, "I won't lie, its a little harder now, but I still trust you." So I'm at least glad for her honesty, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to get her to trust me.  I told her about Will's 3-2-1 plan in case of the idol. There isn't much else I can tell her expect that I know where the idol is, and I can't tell her that right now because I need Ali to truly believe I didn't tell anyone about the idol so he does what I want him to do with it. "What do you want him to do with the idol, Amanda?" Well, it's simple, kids: I want him to play the idol on Abbey. After talking with Emily, I feel like the others are going to try and take a shot at Abbey because she is my right hand man, my Alexander Hamilton, if you will. And since they can't get me right now because I'm immune, they will try to go after her. I'm trying to get Ali to believe that me, him, and Abbey are a tight 3, and after tonight, we will have majority and can do whatever we want. But, we all need to get there. I told him that nobody has mentioned his name ever. Nobody is trying to target him, so if he plays his idol on himself, the jury could see it as a waste. But if he plays it on Abbey, the jury could see it as a big move (Something he is severely lacking in this game, minus the Amanda G vote). And he... agreed.... He said he was going to play his idol on Abbey. What? Is this real life? Did I actually convince him to do that? I guess I'll find out tonight at tribal. But if he truly does... then whew.... I will be shook at myself. Hopefully tonight goes as planned and Will goes home. Hopefully...

Oh come on like - duh, of COURSE I've heard about the vote what makes you think I wouldn't have heard about the vote by now there's literally 6 people left in this game

Surprise! Everyone's a snake and turns out that when I make f3 deals with people I need to be more careful! Ruthie is really the only real one left in this game huh?

Here's some tea, I let it slip to Will about what Amanda told me and now the three of them are in for a wee bit of trouble hehe. The smartest moves now are to get out Abbey then get out Amanda or Will who wasn't going to tell me about the 3-2-1 vote. Ali and I can pit them against each other and hopefully he, me and Francie can sail to the end!

Anyway Ruthie is just as bad as Ashley and cant keep her mouth shut and Ali is a snake and I'm screwed either way bc I highkey dont think Francie is actually going to vote with me but I can't wait to be voted out next round. Thank you, Will and Ali, for making me cry for the first time this game.

I really almost got played but I may have just Michele'd my way into having the best social game of all these snakes. I really have people willing to put their own games on the line and tell me that I'm the target? Like...nut? What did I do to get in this kind of game position? Sure Amanda thinks I can't separate the game from reality but like maybe that's what happens when you pull someone so deep into a promise you never intended to keep? It's just funny how people will yell that IT'S JUST A GAME but not be able to see it for themselves. I mean I know I'm not going home tonight but still, wowwwwwwww!!!

everything fell apart, amanda is crying, will is being mean and i wanna take a nap. the girls r voting for ruthie i guess ali might be idoling will idk its a big mess. everyone is sad and mad or oblivious (ali). An hour ago i was ready to be the bitter juror but now im gonna be the apathetic juror bc im just so fucking tired of all this bullshit deep fucking sigh

Pre-Tribal: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7aU3uBdz8F2bkdvNDBYR1hOZDQ/view?usp=sharing Post-Tribal: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7aU3uBdz8F2X3JCQjV3NV8xbWs/view?usp=sharing Also what I forgot to mention at the end of it was that we changed our vote from Will to Ruthie because she was running her mouth to Will and that's what started the shit that went down before tribal

NOTE: These confessionals are both discussing the events pre-tribal, it just so happened that tribal interrupted the confessional. Francie has a separate confessional coming in the following episodes discussing the rocks

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/164424815603/tribal-15-abbey-and-ruthie-tied-3-3-revote-tied

LAST WORDS: This game has been amazing honestly I never thought I would've made it this far if I had pulled that move off I would've won the game I swear it to you but it's all good I hope I get to play again. :)

Ali T becomes the seventh member of our jury, and the first person rocked out of Survivor Athena: Azores (sixth place)

#imthegreatergood #episodes

[officialparamorefanfiction]

I write to Remember Chapter 24

A/N: Brushes off the dust… I had a sudden spurr of inspiration and came up with this. Let me know what you guys think. For everyone who has stuck around I can’t thank you enough. These past few years have been a complete roller coaster and I’m sorry I wasn’t around to keep my stories going while I went through it all. Hopefully I’ve come back as a stronger writer but in the end I just really enjoy it and that’s the important part right? Anyways enjoy!

The days passed faster than I could hold on to them. Each day bringing us somberly closer to the impending notion that Hayley would be leaving again. My stomach was churning at the thought but I knew I had to be strong. I needed to show her that I trusted her again and actually try my best to. Sure she would be alone… doing whatever she wanted…. With whoever she wanted…. But…. We were giving this one last go so go hard or go home right?

I splashed my face in the sink. Trying to remind myself this was only temporary. The day Hayley left was only yesterday but it already felt like a million years. I had planned on visiting them, Hayley even invited me to stay for a few weeks but I had talked myself out of it. I needed to get out of this irrational fear. Okay so maybe it wasn’t so irrational but if we were going to work I needed to learn to trust her again because after an album there were tours and those lasted a lot longer than just making an album. I needed to be strong. But how was I supposed to when I could barely remember who I was before I met Hayley. Would it be possible for me to be an individual again while also still being in a relationship with someone that had me wrapped around their finger?

Time to grow a back bone and remember who you were…Are… I thought to myself.

……………………………….

Week one was probably the hardest. You don’t really realize how much time you spend with someone til you are forced to do everything alone. Shopping, movies, napping, driving. I felt like an isolated prisoner in my own home and I hated it. Sure we chatted, we facetimed but there was already a time difference and they were trying to create an album, distractions weren’t exactly welcome. She faithfully called me before I went to sleep every night even if it was for a quick goodnight and I love you’s but it didn’t stop the pang in my chest or the fear that was growing inside me.

…………………………………….

Week 2 wasn’t much easier. We still talked but not quite as regularly because they were starting to track vocals so she was basically on permanent voice rest which made communicating on anything other then text pretty hard. I had decided I was going to stop moping around and try and get out so I tried my knack at running. I lasted a good 5 minutes before I was bent over huffing and trying to remember if I had asthma or not with the way I was breathing. I mean I knew I was decently out of shape but damn did it suck to feel it firsthand. I also tried hot yoga that week…. Another NO. There was absolutely no reason to be that sweaty for something as casual as yoga! By the end of the week I felt the same pain, just also physical pain from being sore. I went to sleep with icy hot rubbed on my calves and joint and made the bed smell of bengae instead of Hayley’s hair. I was forced to finally wash my sheets ridding the odd and peculiar mixture of icy hot and Hayley’s scent once and for all. For this not being a break up it really freaking felt like one, but I was committed. I needed to be able to be an individual and find myself before I went jumping into some serious relationship. I wasn’t going to ever loose myself the way I had before. There had to be a way to love someone but not lose yourself in the process. You’re supposed to grow together, not grow over one another and I felt like a helpless plant that had been taken over by weeds and other invasive species.

………………………………………..

Week three was somewhat better. They had taken a break from vocals to write some more songs and Hayley was finally able to talk more. We texted less and actually had less phone calls but in a way it made it more meaningful. We had more to talk about if we spoke fewer times then discussing our entire day through texts and stumbling to find good topics over the phone when we had already heard the play by plays of one another’s day the whole time. This week I thought I was try maybe a bit of poetry. I mean I played guitar and wrote a bit but poetry was always an interesting subject for me. I had recently found a favorite poet online who really capture the essence of so many things I was feeling bubbling inside of me over this past year or so but more importantly I went back through my old writings too. The days when I couldn’t get enough or when I just needed to get away.

I looked through one in particular catching my attention. It made my heart clench to remember how long yet not long enough it was that I had written this out. I read it my eyes scanning the paper feeling the tears well at the sides of my eyes.

Pick me like a flower

Pick me like a book

Pick me, oh pick me like I wasn’t overlooked

Pick me like I was always your first choice

Pick me like you couldn’t fathom anyone else

Pick me and tell the others even when I’m not around

Pick me like I’m wanted

Pick me like I’m not dead

Pick me like you promised

But you picked them instead.

I put it back down my mind made up. I wanted to go to a poetry slam this week. That would be my goal To listen to others put their feelings into words and figure out what the hell I was doing and who I was under all of this drama, heartache and nonsense.

It was a surreal feeling listening to all these people, much more brave than I as they walked up on stage and spoke their feelings, their mind and their heart through words. I never felt like I was all that good with words, I guess that’s why I played music, not wrote it but still. I cried, I laughed, and I felt for the people as I listened to poem after poem. When it ended I sat there with my drink, just thinking.

When I finally made my way home I was shaking. What had happened to me? I love Hayley. I knew that but what the hell happened to the girl who would be okay on her own? The girl who was fine with the old Hayley who ignored her? What happened to the Casey who just played her heart out in music and lived life? Where was she and for the life of me how did I find her again? I just wanted to feel like my own person again goddamn it, was that really so much to ask for?

My phone began ringing and I grabbed it my anger and frustration coming out as I answered

“What?”

“Woah…. What happened? Or more so who did it?” Hayleys familiar voice filled the line

My anger faded a bit feeling a bit guilty for yelling at her for no reason.

“Sorry. I’ve just had a bit of a rough day…” I said laying into my couch

“I figured something was up when I didn’t get a text about you going to bed” She said back through the line

“I just….. Hayley do you remember when you hated me?” I asked

“Wait. I never hated you Case” She quickly said

“No. I mean. Well when you didn’t like me then?” I asked again to clarify

“It was never about not liking you. It was about liking you more then I should’ve. The day we kissed you flipped my world upside down and it was my feeble attempt at trying to keep things in control that I had no control over” She said rustling as I heard her settle into a couch or maybe blanket

“Yeah but do you remember what I was like?” I pushed

“Well yeah. You were cool. You were always very cool to me. Like those kids you have to watch from a distance. You never seemed to ever care that I gave you the cold shoulder or that I ignored you. Everyone loved you and I was always so angry that you just had that natural effect on everyone” She said

“but now….” I stuttered not sure if I wanted to hear the answer

“But now I realize I was a complete idiot. I should have figured out a long time ago that everything I could ever want and need was right in front of me….” She breathed out. My heart fluttered but I caught myself.

“I think I lost myself” I said quietly

“What do you mean Case?” Hayley questioned slowly

“I think… I think I threw myself so hard into you and what I felt for you that along the way I lost myself… and now…. Now I’m not sure I know who I am anymore….” I said quietly trying not to let her hear the quiver in my voice.

“Case” She said quietly unsure how to even respond.

“I know its not something you can fix. Especially over the phone. But that’s what I’ve been working on while you’ve been gone. I want to be able to be my own person again….” I said quietly the words coming out without as much strength as I’d hoped.

“What exactly are you saying Casey….” She questioned the fear blatantly obvious in her voice

“Oh fuck. No Hayles. I don’t mean anything with me not wanting to be with you or anything” I said quickly picking up on her worries. I heard her audibly sigh in relief.

“I just… I wanted you to know. Because… Well… I think it should be important to be able to be in a relationship but also still be your own person. You can be two separate people and still be madly in love you know?” I asked

“Yeah. I understand that. So…. You’re doing a bit of a journey to find yourself is what you’re saying?” She asked to be sure

“Yeah. Yeah I guess I am…. I just want to find the person who was in there before we went through everything we went through… and I know I don’t necessarily have to be the same person because weve obviously grown and changed but I just need to find some part of me, something to remind me that I am my own person you know?” I said

“Yeah. I get what you mean. Well I’m here Case if you need me for anything but I understand also if you want to take a step back during this time too. Whatever you want to do and anything I can do to help” She said supportively. I smiled she honestly was the best girlfriend.

“Thank you” I said quietly smiling into the phone. We didn’t take much more time on the phone before I let sleep take over and we said our goodnights. So it was official. Plan Find yourself Casey was beginning and I would be damned if by the end of it I didn’t find something by the end of this.

#OPFF #I write to remember #chapter 24 #Im back #Out of retirement I guess #Missed yall #paramore #paramore fanfiction #fanfiction #hayley williams fanfcition #Hayley Williams #lesbian fanfiction

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

[survivorjordanpines]

Episode 1 Pt 1: I’m Gonna Snatch her Weave so Hard she’ll be Seeing Stars. - Charlotte

I'M ON THE PENIS TRIBE WHAT THE FUCK

LMFAOOOOO THE FACT THAT REGAN WAS WILLING TO RETURN TO A SEASON HOSTED BY J O R D A N P I N E S IS HILARIOUS I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY All jokes aside, it's great to be back! So far I have met Lily and Amanda, who are new to me, and then there's Chrissa....yikes. I voted her out of Wikia Main ORG, but I think we've patched up things. I get Jack back, yes! More to come soon!

MISS KEISHA....MISS KEISHA!!!! Oh my fuckin god shes fuckin dead

That Adam on the other tribe sucks. I don’t like anything about him but especially not his hair. He seems like someone who gets really upset about ice cream sundaes 

I'm shook Jordan casted Regan

I AM SO OVERWHELMED MY TRIBE IS SO ICONIC WHAT

First confessional of the season here we go. First impressions of my tribe...... Charlotte: Who? Ive heard she’s an icon but she also hosts the same game as L.A. Karen: icon that I think likes me, Alliance Member, probably gonna be my #1 Jaiden: crazy lunatic flop who will hopefully overcast myself being a crazy lunatic flop Regan: female jaiden David: pretty sure he has a beef with me rip L.A.: hosts a game with Charlotte, I’ll probably target them Adam: heard he’s an icon, don’t know why but that makes me scared I can’t remember who the other 2 are so they’re probably irrelevant 

I’m here and I’m ready to party! I’m sad Sambrina isn’t on my tribe she seems pretty cool. That Ryan guy can suck an egg 

Literally why did I do this. Jordan Pines better love me forever. #regrets

So like we got some pretty iconic people on this season like Chrissa. I love that girl. Anyways, my tribe seems like a good bunch of people and I am already predicting Charlotte doing well. I need to work with her so that I can get far as well then cut her off cause from what I know that girl is good at this game. These people seem like a good group because I am already getting messages from them and not to them. So I think it will be really good to be here. Having two tribe go to tribal is ugly because now he HAVE to win. I wish Adam the best of luck and will not blame him if we fail. Good luck to myself!

I hate writing confessionals so TBH I probably won't do very many. In the past I've always played as a very loyal player and I think that's what people will expect from me in this game. Ha, jokes on them, I'm here for blood and I can't wait to bathe in it. Playing loyal got me eighth place the last time I played TS and I don't plan on flopping again - actually, that's probably not true, but let's pretend I actually stand a chance. I think my tribe is alright but we're going to have some stiff competition. A lot of the "threats" from past games are on the nahte and nadroj tribe so the fact that only one tribe can win immunity is a little inconvenient. I'm also sad that RTP isn't on my tribe. His intro video was just fun. I need to make it to the first tribe swap or the merge so I can play with Ryan! But anyways, let's do first impressions because people - for some reason - care about those. Adam: I don't know him and I haven't heard of him either. I liked his intro though so he seems like he could be someone fun to play with in this game. I guess we'll find out more but he had some good ideas for the flag so - phew, I think he'll be a good addition to the tribe. David: Oh look, another person I haven't heard of or know. I have a feeling this is going to be a trend. He seems nice enough? It's been a day, Joyce, I don't know these kids yet. Kage: Alright so Kage and I were the first people in the group, so we had a chance to talk a wee bit before we got the rest of our tribe. I like him TBH. We never got a chance to play together in any previous games so I think this could be interesting. Karen: I HAVE ONLY HEARD NICE THINGS ABOUT KAREN. I'm excited to see if we can work together in this game but I am a little worried because I think she'd be more likely to work with LA than me in this game. What's that? I'm worried someone wants to work with LA? lol. Cage: We haven't had a chance to talk much but I think he might be GMT so maybe that'll happen this morning?? IDK the wiki says he's in the US so maybe I'm wrong. Regan: Of fucking course Regan is on my tribe. I love Regan, don't get me wrong, but "Fought" in the VL and she rage quit before the cast reveal. LMAO oops. Here's hoping she doesn't vote me out for pointing out that she was wrong about Taylor Swift's live performance dates. I hate that I even knew enough to contradict her wrong statements. Ugh. I hate me. Jaiden: I am actually so excited to have Jaiden on my tribe. I just hosted him on Themyscira so I kinda think I know how his brain works?? He likes to be chaotic and make big moods and you can never trust him as far as you can throw him. I like to think that he might work with me, just because we do get along, but you never know. Jaiden is a wild card. If I decide I want to play messy, he's a great guy to do it with. LA: Bitch needs to go. Seriously. There's absolutely no way the two of us can work together in this game because it puts a huge target on our backs. If we lose, I lowkey want to campaign to send her ass home. It'll only help my game. Rafael: I was so hyped to see Rafael on my tribe. I just watched him play in IOS and was annoyed I didn't draft him because his VL confessionals are hilarious. I really hope we are able to work together in this game. That's my goal. Also can you believe Jordan threw all of the Geminis on one tribe? Fuck, we're going to murder each other. I love it. 

Hilo! Im back for another season..aka my 6th time. I swear I dont love myself but im only here to have fun so whatever. 30 PPL? and im not?!? on the icons tribe!??! okie whatever idk any of those irrelevant ppl anyways..like who the fuck are these ppl? (king andreas ur not included) anyways evaluation time because i love reading what ppl say about me so im sure ppl feel the same way MY TRIBE: Allison-we did a tribe call last night and she literally rubbed me the wrong way. How can you be that annoying? I seriously dont know. And it was just her and alex and jordan and i on the call at one point and she said something rude just as i was telling them bye for the night. Like literally leave? Amanda-We played in Maldives but i dont really count that because we were on the opposite tribe and i was second boot. I mean Im trying to connect with her ...but nothing bad to say about her. But also nothing good? ya feel me? Chrissa- Idk what to say about her :c sorry girl Drew- oh drew, we have such a weird relationship. Weve played in sides and mains together and for the first 3 times ive snatched him and now hes returning the favor. If I remember correctly were actually even now. BUT IM DYING TO PLAY WITH HIM AND HAVE HIM BE LOYAL. Lets be real I cant send him home as long as there is a redemption island fkjsdhfkdshf Jack- Andreas was his mentor in whatever shitty game steffen hosted? so idk if i can use that to my advantage or not. Liam- mY LITERAL SON! I LOVE HIM. After i forced rocks in india and he left i felt so bad so i will literally try to save him as much as possible and ill be super loyal to him. my love LIAM I LOVE U Lily-LOL regan hates her so if u think im not going to use this to my advantage ur so wrong. I love her she is so adorably cute. I want to keep her as a pet. And it makes me happy regan hates her ahahhahahahah. Madison- again..sorry idk her? Nick- WHO? The I hate jp tribe (also can we talk about who is on this tribe...jordan what...are u trying to do ...all these players are messy?) anyways Adam- irrelevant Charlotte-literal queen/ i hosted her before and i adore her so much David- DAVID ROBB I LOVE U Gage- ok but what kinda...name? Jaiden- JORDAN PINES WHY WOUIKLD U DPO THIS TO ME? WHY WOULD U DO THIS TO ANYONE? LET ME LIVE! hes crazy . pls let him live a short life Kage- hes so funny, and hes also messy so like....omg? but i deadass have him under control so i love that bitch Karen- can i just say shes so  cute and we met in person and shes cuter in person. Fucking 10/10 would bang. I love her so much. But she never makes it to swap so L.A- literally love. I hosted them as well Raffy- who are u? Regan-ok but like shes obsessed with me and i think in like...a friend way idk hopefully in a friendway lool i think im the only one who can control her so this is going to be fun if she lasts and i get to play w her Icons tribe Andreas-LITERALLY MY BESTFRIEND EVER LITERALLY I LOVE HIM ANDREAS WE ARE CO WINNING I LOVE U SO MUCH!! the rest of the icon tribe can suck it because literally yall are all ugly and just really fucking irrelevant to me? like why are u icons? idk you????????? uhuh

I love this cast, holy shit. Being on the same tribe with Char is gonna be hard, people know we are friends and we have some of our Themyscira kids in here so this will be interesting. We already know we're gonna be gunning for each other at some point. KAREN (heart eyes) I also REALLY wanna work with Jaiden tbh

I love frogs and I currently am aligned with my whole tribe except for two people. 

6th time.... Holy Kawolski. This time around I'm just going to try to make it as far as I can. I'm taking it one day at a time and not focusing too long term. So im on the Legends/Icons tribe and I feel out of place. 7 of these people played TS before me, and I still feel like the new kid on the block.... isn't that crazy? I also see a lot of familiar faces in this cast so I'll have to deal with that eventually. Right now I think my struggle is theirs so many old school people that all know each other. Who thought it was a good idea putting Ari, RTP, Jessica, and Casey on the same tribe ??? I think I wanna try to form some sort of alliance with them though. If all of us who played a bunch of times can band together then I think it may be better for all of us. We shall be targeted eventually, we shouldn't go after each other on top of that. I think the only person who might have an issue with me is RTP. I got him out in Easter, but this time around I understand how he likes to play so I need to cater around that. No personal talk - just game. Let's rocket.

The tribe seems to be very connected through the first challenge. I've been talking a lot with Kage and he seems like a potential ally for me. Throughout the day, the tribe has spoken with each other in the tribe chat and sadly I was not able to participate a lot because of school. The people most in it were Karen, Regan, and Adam. I sense that they could be working together down the line if this behavior keeps up. I want to try and continue communications with Kage as well as trying to get on Charlotte's good side. 

Kage wants to work with Charlotte, LA, and I in an alliance. I think this will work well for us in the long run. He also wants to have one other person in this alliance they the two of us control so that if it were to come down to it, it would be 3 vs. 2 with us having the majority. I feel that this is a good plan, but we lack the fifth person. I hope I can try and find someone or Kage does. Pray and hope! I am talking with LA more though so I hope this establishes the groundwork for us to be allies.

Oh man, oh man, oh man. Looks like I'm putting my faith in Sarah to be a power duo. I love her to death, I really do, but I really do hope she means what she says and doesn't try to cut me loose early. 

I cant believe I might have to align with R*gan but thats what it looks like its coming down to. Karen is my favorite minion. I love Gage, Everyone else idk ha

ok so my tribe......... has the WORST ideas for this flag and like adam was gonna do it????/on??/paint????/ this tribe is already selfdestructing anyway as much as I hate jp like I don't want a flag with us murdering him??? ugh anyway I think I have an ides but itll be blandish

@the flag making challenge and our flag specifically The supportive tribemate in me: https://media.giphy.com/media/l3JDFJncJHteKIYzm/giphy.gif The pessimist in me: https://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/skirt-vintage-mean-girls.gif?w=650 The try-hard comp queen in me: https://media.giphy.com/media/115nGRivk9zjkA/giphy.gif The realist in me, seeing RTP on the icons tribe and knowing I'll never make something better anyway: https://media.giphy.com/media/Hb0mP3CTazPmU/giphy.gif Me today: https://media.thedailytouch.com/2014/11/shaun-dead-gif-pub.gif

So, I like my tribe, they're all very nice people. BUT! They are very weak willed. Like I feel like I've got to kindergarten teacher them into getting work done. Lots of exclamation points and happy encouragement. It's only because you've got us doing this stupid arts and crafts challenge. Mr. "Too Lazy to Make the Flags Himself". I like Charlotte the best, she's being very helpful. Karen annoys me kind of but she's the one with photoshop so I need her. Kage is cool but he doesn't seem to have anything to offer to the challenge. Same with a bunch of them really. Like everyone is very friendly and excited but no one really offers up any ideas or help. LA gave us the good idea about word art but didn't really back it up with anything so me and Charlotte figured it out on our own. Like I don't really want to be the leader but everyone is such a follower. Like I wanted to gather minions but damn I don't need this many. Someones gotta be voted out at some point. Whatever, I'm just tryna get everyone to like me, because people really only align with the people they like. Idk, this game is stupid and I don't have time for it but I'm already in it so I'll at least try. "Tumblr Survivor Jordan Pines" What kind of idiot let this happen

Adam is really doing that with this challenge. There is no way that he would be able to be voted out after this level of participation. 

so I love the flag idk if it will win but i love it, I am in a perpetual panic attack right now generally for today in general and shit that happrened yesterday. But I hope we win I need something good. 

Well, I thought I'd finally break down how things are going. Looking at this cast I see a lot of familiar faces. Like, A LOT! We have: Jack, my student from Kvaloya. We were paired together however we never had the chance to play together. In this game we have no reason to play together and I think he would trust me easily because of our past. I'm not really loyal to him and I don't feel a need to work with him if we do end up on the same tribe. Gage, we were on a tribe together very briefly in Kvaloya. We went to a tribal but I always felt he was up to no good. I still feel that way lmao. Liam, we were also on a tribe in Kvaloya. However, we did work together - more trust on his side then mine BUT he's a solid guy none the less. Kage, O M G. HA. I literally orchestrated everything about his elimination in Great Lakes from Day 1. I lied to people about him and started rumors and ultimately got him to sent to Redemption Island where I single handily sent him home. He has reason to want me out but we have a good relationship outside of games so we shall see. Drew, I'm happy to see him here! We worked together in Bangladesh but we never completely trusted each other. However, we were grouped together and I think we could work well together. Hopefully he feels the same way. SARAH LYNN, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. Actually one of my best friends in the whole world. I went to visit her once. She's my final 2, I don't care what people think or say. We have each others back 100% and I can't wait until we can play together on the same tribe. Karen, HA. Another person who I contributed greatly to their elimination. But I think she's someone I want to work with so I think we can put Easter Island behind us. Ryan, I sent him in Easter and I can't read him for shit so is he still mad at me ? We shall never know. Emma, MOM!!!! I love Emma and honestly I'm so happy we're on the same tribe ! Someone I know I can trust. Regan and Casey have also hosted me so I have good working relationships with them. So on our tribe we have a lot of people who were old school TS. I'm trying to like remind people we all need to have each others backs, as if we don't then these new people will target us. Hopefully their listening to me. I'm very aware of the friendships these people and I'm trying to get in with Ari/Jess/Ryan as I think they would be able to take me the furthest. Cole and I also talked and we mentioned how we wanna go far together so thank GOD i got him! I like him, hes real and I respect that. I think I also plan on playing a very social game. I want people to want to tell me their secrets and such. So for the challenge it's flag making and I decided to make the flag because I knew I could do an A++ flag, so I hope we win with it! ALSO so i found on the rule page a puzzle to a secret advantage and i did it and I was too late :( Someone has one and i'm not happy !!!!!!!!! I think it might be Drew, hes smart like that.

#supportyourlocaljordanpines

[maritabaptiste2-blog]

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Also, hot milf with hairy pussy I am a drinker so sue me, I cant always remember exactly what we said to each other so I made it a little bit up, but the level of flirtaciousness and banter was same. Shit, he looked good tonight, I thought. But then again he always looks good. I cheated so if you arent into that sort of thing look away. He has piercing blue eyes and very short light brown hair. *This story is entirely true, except details are taken out to make it more vague for obvious reasons. I could see his eyes light up as he saw me and I could tell mine were doing the same. I thought to myself about how much I wanted him, wanted to feel his weight on top of me and feel his cock in my mouth, and I started to fantasize as the rest of the room our friends disappeared. Wearing a well fitted blue and white button-up shirt and levis that were just tight enough to see a slight bulge if you stared long enough (I always did). Camden is tall at 6'2 or 6'1, and while not incredibly muscular, is very fit and strong looking. But just as he past through the doorway to enter the apartment I saw Katie follow, and it brought me back to earth and I stepped back into reality. We made eye contact and held it for a little too long, like we tend to do. Right, Katie, he has a girlfriend, her name is Katie, and there she is, pretty, oblivious Katie. The reality of the situation I'm in is this: Camden and I are at a friends house, drinking and having a good time, with our own significant others. He broke into a cute wide smile, the one that makes me melt every time. Also have never posted on reddit before so no idea how the formatting works. It's not that we've discussed this at length. But the only thing we are thinking about is each other. But the temptation is overwhelming and we definitely have crossed some lines with our inappropriate conversations in the past. Oh, and Chris, I have a boyfriend, a wonderful, attractive boyfriend, who is standing right next to me. I think the lines started becoming blurred woman with hairy cunts 2 months ago, about 3 months after I first met him. We've technically never crossed any lines sexually. The morning of the concert, Sean backed out because of some Tinder date, and Chris last minute bailed on me because of a work outing he had forgotten about. *2 months ago, before he started dating Katie, 4 of us were supposed to go to a concert in the city we lived near. Before the show started we decided to grab a beer at the bar next store. "Nah I'm not going to tell you that," he said looking away. "Heres to us, for actually making it to this concert unlike those losers," Camden chuckled as he clinked my beer with his. We chatted innocent for about a half hour about all sorts of things, work and music mostly, but we were also flirting shamelessly. Soon the conversation turned to Camdens most recent luck in the dating world and we started talking about all the girls he had had sex with recently. " Camden smiled bashfully and took another swig of beer. "Give me a break, I go on at least 3 dates a week, sometimes 4! *Last night I looked towards the door to the apartment as he walked in. Is it that unrealistic to imagine I manage to get some of them in bed? " "Alright just tell me! " He laughed, god I love his laugh. Me, Chris, Camden, and Sean. Let me guess at least. " I looked him straight in the eye and rested the palm of my hand on his arm. Camden and I figured we may as well not waste the tickets and went together. I like to picture you with all of them. Our conversations usual turned sexual, but this was more flirting that we normally did. Weve been together for almost 4 years now..." I caught his gaze and bit my lip, mostly unintentionally, "besides, I think its hot how many girls you fuck. You are incredibly sexy. Its been so long since I've been with anyone but Chris. I loved how I couldn't make him nervous like I could with other guys. Sometimes I would touch myself at home and imagine him fucking all those girls in all different ways. Ive also been told I'm pretty attractive. " I could hear myself crossing the line but I couldn't help it, I get this animal urge every time I see him. Guys have always been nervous around me because of the overtly sexual vibe I tend to give off sometimes. *He laughed again, confidently, and stared back into my eyes. At 5'6 130 pounds, I'm slender but not a stick. I have wide set hips and small C boobs, but a flat stomach and slender arms. I have very long blonde-brown hair that is thick and parts on the side. What I said was true, too, I loved thinking about how many girls he sleeps with. Most girls would probably think it's gross to sleep around. I bet you were a complete freak when you were single. What are you doing with Chris again? "Not even a little bit repulsive. But back to the story, that's just to paint the picture of why guys I meet are almost always into me from first glance, and why they usually get pretty nervous when I talk openly about sex. *He looked at me excitedly, "Oh yeah, you like that? My butt is my favorite asset, it's plump and shapely but not too big. *"I like being with Chris because he knows exactly what I want. We continued to eye-fuck each other as the conversation went on about our sex lives for a few more minutes. Its that I cant imagine being with that many people in a week is all. I like to be roughed up, called names, spit on, slapped, and I couldn't guarantee that a new guy could handle those requests. I like that you like that. I could feel my pussy heating up and getting swollen, and was nervous that my face was turning red at the same time. Should you have any questions relating to wherever and how to work with hot girls hairy pussy, it is possible to e-mail us at our own page. " he said as he playfully pinched my waist. " he said as he grabbed me by the hand and led me through the packed room. "Oh I bet you could," I said bashfully. " Camden said matter-of-factly. we got about 15 feet from the stage and stopped. He let me squeeze in front of him since he is taller. God, no guys ever make me nervous like that. Once the band we came to see came on, we stopped talking and started dancing. "Are you blushing, Rachel? Our sexual tension was at a high, thanks to the heated conversation we had earlier and that as we danced we could feel each others bodies rubbing against one another on the crowded venue floor. *When we got in the venue it was dark and crowded. His dick had gotten hard and it turned me on like crazy. "OK OK, let's finish these drinks so we can get to the concert," I said as I chugged my beer and put my finger in the air to signal the bartender. *After the concert we shared an uber back to our apartments, dropping me off first. Still, I pretended to be oblivious to his hard-on and danced my ass off, directly into it. We continued on like this the entire concert, and my pussy ached with desire the whole time. I wanted to grab it and feel it in my hand, but I had a boyfriend and my drunk-brain thought that I was still being a loyal girlfriend as long as I didn't grab it with my hand. He started to touch my thigh, which was exposed as my skirt rode up my legs in the car, he touched it pretending he was accidentley drunkenly swaying his arm into me over and over again. I looked into his eyes and could feel the heat coming off of both our bodies. We no longer needed to talk dirty to feel the attraction we had for each other, I could feel his attraction rubbing against my ass. But then I got control and pictured Chris at home, drunk from his work outing, waiting for me. "Want to come over for a drink? I looked at his lips and willed them to kiss mine, desperate to feel him on me. "I want to, you know I want to. " he said as innocently as he could just before the uber made it's first stop at my place. " "Right, sure, yeah of course," he said as if shaking himself back to reality the same way I did. My boyfriend and I fucked that night and it was dirty and amazing. *The next day I felt so much guilty for wanting Camden so much that I decided to distance myself from him a little. " "Just horny," I said casually as if I didn't know exactly what got into me. At one point afterwards we were both out of breath and Chris said "holy shit, what got into you tonight? Because of how packed it was in there, my ass was pushed right up against his crotch, which we pretended to ignore as we carried on a light-hearted conversation over the opening act. I squeezed his arm as I opened the door to the uber. But I need to go home Camden. For the next month every time I knew he was coming out with the group, I would stay home, claiming I was not in the mood to go out. "Good," I thought, "maybe this will make me want him less". *This brings us to last night, and lo and behold him having a girlfriend did not help me get over him. I heard about it through Chris, and was actually relieved. Still, the reality check only lasted about 45 seconds. "See ya," I said as I hopped out of the car and went up to my wonderful, kind, attractive boyfriend. Then, a wave of excitement came over me. Tall, taller than me, long bright blonde hair down to her waist, very slim. As I saw her follow him into Sean's apartment to greet us all, I tried to come back to reality and think about Chris standing beside me. "This is Katie, I think you are really going to like her, you are a lot alike," Camden said grinning ear to ear. I went in to shake Katie's hand but she came right in and kissed me quickly on the lips. I went up to them and Camden gave me a big hug. Camden talks about you all the time, if I didnt know any better I'd be worried about you. "He's just trying to make you jealous. I imagined them fucking and it got me so hot. It was during this month that Camden started seeing Katie. " *The party carried on and we all got drunker and drunker. But more surprisingly Katies presence didnt make jealous or make me give up on him, instead it just made me want both him and her. " I blushed and lightly hit Camden in the arm, playfully. The boyfreind and I mingled separately and together since we dont need to be neer each other all the time. Surprisingly, Katie didn't mind at all. She played right along with it and shared in our sense of humor and flirtiness. At one point I complimented her on her shirt and touched in gently, somewhat close to where her breast was. As I did that Camden grabbed my hand and pushed it further into Katies boob, so that I kind of groped her. "Aren't her tits great Rach? Normally I consider myself a straight girl, but for the right girl I do get naughty thoughts I admit. I saw her pictures on his instagram account and she sure was a cutie. At one point during the party I was talking with Katie and Camden for a long time. I gave him a sultry look and said "Oh really, would that turn you on? Don't worry about him. Camden and I had our usual flirty banter and while I was trying to keep it kid friendly, its hard to around him. Chris, my boyfriend, had made his way into a bedroom with Sean and some others, likely having some long discussion about who knows what. There were about 8 people in the living room but the music was loud, and people had broken off into smaller groups and weren't paying any attention. You should give them a better feel," Camden said. " "Fuck yeah it would," Camden said as he shot me that grin that makes my pussy ache. He laughed and Katie and I rolled our eyes and giggled. I reached out and gently started feeling Katie up. They felt even bigger than they looked. The party had gotten quite loud and it was pretty clear that no one was listening in on our conversation. Wow she really did have great tits. I looked over and Camden was smiling the biggest smile ever. Katie let out a big laugh and started feeling me up. Then she looked at me in a way that I could tell she was about to kiss me. To see me touching your girlfriend like that? I leaned in a bit to invite her in, and she playfully began teasing my lips with hers, pulling away every once in a while before we could full on make out. *I giggled and finally grabbed her by the neck and kissed her. Our tongues danced for about 30 seconds and I almost forgot Camden was even there. Now, I should say, my boyfriend is not opposed to me kissing other girls, he loves it actually, but I know that he would want me to do it for HIM, not while he's in another room not watching, and definitely not for Camden. I bit Katies lip and we parted and both looked at Camden. I looked over my shoulder to see what kinda privacy we had. He was touching both of us and I finally saw a look of nerves on his face that I was never able to get out of him before. But at this point in the night I was drunk, Katie was hot, and I was so into Camden that the idea of turning him on by making out with his girlfriend seemed to be the right choice. I grabbed Camden and Katie by the hands and led them to the room closest to us. I didnt shut the door fully cuz I wanted to be able to hear what was going on outside the room. *I knew that Chris was in one of the bedrooms with some people and if I know their deep conversations, I knew they werent gonna coming out any time soon. He seemed nervous but excited. *"Can I tell you something? She was a great kisser. 30 seconds in I could feel Camdens hand on my waist, lightly. I decided right then that I needed to have him. I imagine your cock in my mouth. You two are so hot," he said as he rubbed his hands on our waists and down to our asses. I imagine you fucking other girls and how hot you must look when you come. In order to keep Katie involved and make it not seem like it was about me, I said before anyone else could talk "OK I want to see you to together. " He looked down at Katie and they started making out as I stroked their arms and chests. " *He started rubbing me up and down and then adjusted his hardon in his pants. " Camden said "I always thought you were just fucking with me when you flirted. We stared at each other for a few seconds and I could tell he wanted me. This was it, I thought. After a few minutes they came up for air. The anticipation was getting to me, it HAD been getting to me for months now, ever since I first met him. "Sometimes, when I play with myself, I dream about you and what you are like in bed. I looked at his lips and before I could think another thought he leaned down and parted my lips gently with his tongue. " Camden squeezed my arm and got the most surprised look in his eyes. I aggressively kissed him back as we began to ravage each other. fireworks went off in the room the second our tongues touched. " I said over and over. Before I knew it my shirt and bra were on the floor. I was panting and moaning just from making out, that's how much he turns me on. I ripped her shirt off and fumbled with her bra until Camden was able to snap it. *After a while I couldn't take it anymore, I had gone this far, I had to see his cock. I grabbed Katie and started kissing her again to distract me from how much I wanted to fuck her boyfriend. Katie and I already kissed, Camden and Katie already kissed, were Camden and I going to get to kiss finally? " Camden nodded quickly and we backed him up until we got to the futon in the bedroom we were in. or maybe I was just excited. Those are harder to unfasten when it isnt your own bra! " I said, mostly to Camden, but obviously Katie was there too, rubbing both of us slightly. He fell back onto the futon and started unzipping his pants. Katie and I started rubbing it, admiring it. I stopped kissing Katie and said "So what do you think, can Katie and I suck your cock? I finally was able to grab and touch it and holy shit, it was better than I expected. Soon, Katie took his length in her mouth and started bobbing up and down and I licked and sucked his balls gently. I pushed him away because I didn't know how to handle the intensity of how turned on I was. While his dick was probably just your average dick, in the moment it felt and looked like the most best thing I ever seen. I went further down than his balls, almost to his ass, but didn't want to push too far because I dont know what he would be into. I love to be face fucked so I was in heaven. He grabbed my head as I was deep throating him. When I saw his bulge through his boxer briefs my pussy got so wet and began throbbing. We then traded and I deep throated him as she licked his balls. I went in first and licked the head, gently flicking it with my tongue. He started fucking my mouth wicked fast and I started gagging. Katie and I both started licking the length of his cock, and every time we reached the head we would kiss a bit and let our tongues intertwine and then lick back down the shaft. So now my eyes were watering and I was gagging but I didn't care, he is so hot. He came in both of our mouths getting some on our faces as he moved between mouths. *Eventually, an hour or so later, Chris came out of the room he was in with those people and said, "Rach, its late, lets hed out. I looked up and saw Camden staring down at us with the happiest look on his face. He asked me if I had fun at the party and apologized for being in the room so long, "we started getting into politics and philosophy and I didn't even notice the time. The guilt is setting in now but I am going to think about that night for a long, long time. " We stopped and I told Katie to open her mouth and stick out her tongue and I did the same. Katie and I got on our knees and helped him take off his pants. " "It's cool, I kept busy," I said nonchalantly as I pictured Camdens amazing cock shooting a huge rope of come into my mouth. we are early 20s and hes going away to a grad school next fall and i dont plan to leave my home city. **also want to say, not that this makes it better, but chris and i will break up eventually. He tried to stop the blowjob and said that we could all fuck, but Katie was nervous about all hairy pussy sex pictures having sex and I also thought that was the last line that I shouldnt cross, so we continued to suck and lick and slobber all over him for about 5 more minutes until he said "fuck, I'm going to come. We got up off our knees and cleaned up a bit and went back out to the party, trying to seem unsuspicious. again doesnt make the cheating better but in a way maybe it helps because its gonna end anyways flutesandhoes Before she had a chance to swallow I grabbed her face and kissed her swapping the come that was in my mouth for hers.